#ive had friends in my life before who claimed to be so close to me but didnt actually know me at all

[twopercentboy]

,,,,

[abbs-writes]

chronically ill | Tara yummy and Jake Webber

Pairings: bsf!tara yummy x reader, friend!jake Webber x reader

Warnings: mentions of a chronic illness, vomiting, migraines, MRIs, doctors appointments, parties, drinking, Tara practically takes care of you, Jake's a lovable idiot per usual but he cares a lot

Authors note: this is very self indulgent and basically my experience with being chronically ill and wishing someone had been there for me (though my best friend was right by my side and I'll forever be grateful for her) but yeah idk it's self indulgent so yeah.

You'd been sick your whole life, it was something you'd unfortunately grown accustomed to. It wasn't until recently that it started getting worse, the headaches used to be manageable but now they would turn into migraines that lasted days at a time. You used to be able to fight through the nausea like a champ, forcing yourself to go to sleep rather than throwing up. The tremors were annoying but manageable. But recently something changed, everything had gotten so much worse. You were missing work more than usually, your boss started to believe you were faking it, along with many of your friends. So you stopped telling people and you quit your job. The only person who stuck by your side was your best friend Tara, she was there for all the doctor's visits and blood tests and everything else.

First you started with your general practitioner who ran a blood test and sent you to the rheumatologist. Then from the rheumatologist, who found nothing and claimed you were just severely depressed, you were sent to a neurologist. It was months and months of tests and they found nothing. They started you on migraine medication that you'd take every other day, along with two more migraine medications to use as 'saviors' as the neurologist called it. But that didn't stop the nausea or the tremors and the migraines would still leave you bedridden for days. So, the neurologist suggested an MRI. It was anxiety inducing, the thought of an MRI and finding out something could be wrong but you knew you had to do it. Without the support of Tara, you swore you wouldn't have been able to do it.

She drove you to your appointments, sat through some of the doctors visits, kept you distracted as they drew blood by showing you funny tiktoks. But she couldn't be there for the MRI, no you had to sit in the metal tube alone with your thoughts. Thankfully they let you listen to music, keeping your mind occupied. It was oddly calming, the music and sounds of the machine. You expected to have full blown panic attacks or for your tremors to get worse but that didn't happen. You closed your eyes, focused on the music and relaxed.

It wasnt until the nurses came back in and wanted to do a contrast with your MRI. You hated needles, IVs, blood tests, all of it. At first the contrast wasn't so bad, the IV went in smoothly and so did the dye. But the second the IV was out, you got nauseous. It came over you like a wave and you couldn't stop from vomiting. The nurses helped you sit up, holding the vomit bag for you as you threw up over and over again. As a child you hated throwing up, it hurt, your body convulsing as you gagged and threw up. It was a terrifying and uncomfortable experience but you fought through it. Now you were throwing up almost every week, multiple times a week, you grew used to it. But still you felt horrible, having the nurses hold you up and hold a vomit bag, scrambling around and getting you a cold water and tissues. Finally, after you were done, you wiped your mouth, drank some water and took some gum offered to you before laying back down to be sent back into the machine.

Tara picked you up from the MRI, asking you how it was but not pushing when you said it was horrible. She drove you home, "I can stay," she offered. "It's okay, I think I'm gonna go to bed." You responded. "Okay, then I'll stay and do the laundry." Tara said as she parked the car. You sighed but knew it wasn't worth fighting, Tara was the sweetest girl, always offering to help you even when you told her it was okay and she didn't have to. There was no stopping the kindness of that girl.

You walked into your home, crawled into bed and let Tara do whatever she wanted to do to help, sometimes it would be doing the laundry, cleaning out the fridge from expired food and doing whatever else she could to help. You slept most of the day, only being woken up by Tara who came into your room. "You need to eat," she said softly. You groaned, burying your face in the pillows. You worried your stomach was too messed up to eat. "Come on, I'll make soup," Tara grabbed your arm, pulling you up. You sat up, groaning again. "Come onnnnn," Tara said, practically pulling you out of bed and dragging you to the living room.

"Sit," she said, and you sat on the couch. She went to the kitchen, she had already made the soup. You wondered what she would've done if you refused to get up. She came back with the bowl full of soup and a water, setting them down on the coffee table. "What're we watching?" Tara asked as she sat down next to you. You shrugged, leaning forward to eat some soup. Tara's phone buzzed making her look down, "shit," she muttered. "What?" You asked, looking over at her. "It's Jake, he's having a party tonight, he's asking if we're coming," she said.

That was one thing you loved about Tara, she invited you to every single thing she was doing, parties, shopping, you name it and she'd bring you with her. "You should go," you said, going back to eating soup. "Nah, we have movies to watch," Tara said, setting down her phone and grabbing the remote. "Tara, I'm not going to let you skip a party because I'm sick. I'm always sick." You sighed. "That's not true, you're not always sick. You're sometimes sick. Plus, a party without you? I'll pass." She said, giving you a smile. "Tara, if I say I'll go, will you go?" You asked. You weren't feeling 100% but you could handle a party. You just wouldn't drink and you'd probably wear sunglasses the whole time to hide your tired eyes. "You don't feel well," Tara frowned. "I can handle a party, I've been to plenty of parties with headaches. I can handle it." You said. "Fine, but I'm not drinking and I'm not letting you out of my site." She said, reluctantly agreeing. "Fine, if you wanna have a lame time, then that's fine." You giggled, playfully rolling your eyes.

Tara borrowed some of your clothes, sure you didn't have as good of clothes as she did but she knew how to make them work. You just threw on jeans and a hoodie and a pair of sunglasses. You grabbed your bag, the one full of medications, your 'just in case bag' as you called it. Tara told you to bring it, so you did. You two piled into an Uber and headed to Jake's house. You two arrived late, but that was Tara's style so you didn't mind it. Usually you hated being late to places but it was a party, there was no set time to be there.

You got out of the Uber, following Tara inside where you two greeted everyone. She stuck to not drinking which was a little surprising, even after you insisted to her it was okay to drink. It was going well, until a wave of nausea hit you. Used to you would fight it off and choke it down but you knew you couldn't fight it currently. Tara was talking to Johnnie, you didn't want to grab her attention so you made your way to the bathroom but it was locked. You didn't think you could make it to the other bathroom so the closest place was outside. You made a b-line to the backyard. Going around the corner where to one was. You bent over, pushing your hair back as you threw up. "Fuck," you whimpered.

You didn't realize Jake had seen you. He was outside, talking to Carrington and smoking a cigarette. "One sec," he said to Carrington, tossing the cigarette on the ground and following you around the corner where he saw you bent over, throwing up. He quickly grabbed your hair. You were a bit too out of it to care who it was, you were just thankful someone was holding your hair back as you pulled off the sunglasses. You threw up again, coughing as well as you spit out whatever remained in your mouth before standing back up. "Thanks," you mumbled, taking deep breaths. "No problem," Jake said, letting go of your hair. You turned looking up at him and your face flushed red.

You didn't realize it was Jake, you thought maybe it was Tara or some other random person, but no, it was Jake. It just had to be Jake, someone you had a raging crush on and now you looking like a fucking idiot. Another wave of nausea hit you, making you turn back around and bend over. Jake grabbed your hair again, watching as you threw up once more. He'd seen many things at his party and throwing up wasn't a first so he truly didn't mind.

"Shit, are you okay?" Tara came around the corner. "Give me your bag," she said, you held out the bag as you tried to take deep breaths. She took your bag, looking through it. "How much did she drink?" Jake asked. "Nothing," Tara said. She pulled out a pull bottle, "Found it." She said, opening the nausea medication. You held out your hand and she put the pill in your hand. You waited till you were good before standing back up and taking the pill. Jake once again let go of your hair. "Are you sick?" He asked. You felt bad, knowing exactly what Jake was probably thinking. What kind of sick girl comes to a party?

"It's not contagious, Jake. She's fine." Tara said, taking the sunglasses from your hand and putting your bag over her shoulder. She rubbed your back, "are you okay?" She asked softly. "I'm okay, I'm good." You said, wiping your mouth with the sleeve of your hoodie. You knew it was nasty but you'd clean it later. "I'll call an Uber," Tara said, pulling out her phone. "I can drive you," Jake piped up, you almost forgot he was there. "Jake, how much have you had to drink?" Tara asked. "None, I was waiting till you two got here. How can I drink without my girls?" Jake laughed. "That's weird Jake," Tara said, playfully glaring at him. She was joking but in her usual way. "Come on, I'll give you two a ride." He said.

Tara put her arm around you, leading you through the party, following Jake to his garage. Tara climbed in the back with you. "What am I? An Uber driver?" Jake joked as he got in. "Unpaid uber driver." Tara retorted. You giggled softly, shaking your head. "You can lay down," Tara said, you nodded, too tired to say anything or fight her. You put your head in her lap and she played with your hair as Jake drove. Jake played music softly, tapping the steering wheel and singing softly as he drove. Tara every now and then would make a comment making both you and Jake laugh but mostly it was quiet.

Jake was very gentlemanly, parking in your driveway and opening the back door for you and Tara. "Here, I'll take the bag," he offered. Tara hanging him the bag and he put it on. Tara helped you out of the car. "I don't need help," you said. "Yeah, well you're getting it." Tara said, putting her arm around your waist and walking you to the door. You grabbed your keys and opened the door, the three of you walked in and Tara walked you to your bedroom, helping you lay down to sleep.

Jake stood awkwardly. He'd been to your house plenty of times. But he was just awkward sometimes. He sat your bag on the counter, hearing the sound of pills rattling around. He knew it was wrong but he was curious. He opened the bag, seeing at least 3 pill bottles. He took them out, unable to read the names since they were long and confusing. Tara came out of the room, shutting the door quietly. "Jake!" She whisper shouted, walking over and taking the pills from his hand and shoving them back in the bag. "Is she okay?" Jake asked, seeming very concerned now. "She's fine, why are you still here?" Tara asked, sounding a bit annoyed with him.

She'd always been very protective over you. Especially since you told her about your mystery illness and how you didn't want anyone else to know. "Because- I don't- I don't know," Jake stumbled over his words. Tara sighed, she knew he cared about you. She wasn't blind, she knew he liked you. She wasn't upset about it either, but she knew it was a weird position for both of you to be in. "Jake, if I tell you something, do you promise- and I mean swear on your life, you won't tell anyone? Not even Johnnie, or Carrington." She said, looking and sounding extremely serious. "Yes- yeah? I promise." He said, nodding.

Tara sighed, "She's sick, and not like a cold or the stomach flu. She has some sort of mystery illness that we don't know what it is. She had an MRI today, and- and I told her we shouldn't go to the party but she insisted. But you can't tell anybody." Tara said. "I won't.. how long has this been happening?" Jake asked. "Her whole life, just recently it's gotten worse." Tara sighed, she never wanted to admit that it stressed her out, all the things going on with you but it did. It worried her beyond belief and she didn't want to lose her best friend. "You know, I noticed a while ago her hands shake, is that part of it?" Jake asked. "You noticed that?" Tara asked. "Yeah, we were at a party, she was pouring herself a drink and her hand started to shake so- I kinda took the drink from her. I thought she was going to drop it or spill it." Jake said. "I didn't realize you noticed that, you don't notice things usually." Tara said. Jake's face heated up, he was blushing, hoping that Tara wouldn't realize that he actually noticed a lot about her but didn't say anything.

Tara giggled, rolling her eyes, "I know you like her, you idiot. I'm not blind. I just didn't realize how much you liked her." Jake's eyes widened, "What?" He said, high pitched, "I do not- I have never in my life liked a girl." He said, making Tara laugh, "you're such an idiot. Go home," she said, pushing him towards the door. "Will she be okay?" He asked as he walked towards the door. "She'll be okay, I'm here." Tara said. Jake turned around, "I wanna be here too, if I can," he said. "One step at a time, okay? She can't know you know. Just give her time and maybe she'll tell you but right now, you have to act normal which I know is impossible for you." Tara said, giggling again. "I'll be as normal as I usually am." He said. "So not normal at all, got it." She nodded, "now go," she said, practically pushing him out the door. He left, albeit, reluctantly, but he did leave. Now he just had a bunch on his mind.

[aneurinallday]

The Tragedy of James Steerforth

Chapter IV: Old Friends

“Mr Bradbury, I don’t understand,” David protested. “You don’t like the rewrite? But your feedback last week was so positive. You assured me that I was on the right track.”

The man behind the desk lit a pipe and began to puff, filling the cluttered office with the potent smell of expensive tobacco smoke.

“Things change, Mr Copperfield. There’s a lot of competition out there. We need to be careful what we put our stamp on.”

On the desk between them sat a thick manuscript, lovingly penned and carefully bound. Calligraphed on the front page in graceful cursive was the title: The Personal History, Adventures, Experience and Observation of David Copperfield the Younger of Blunderstone Rookery.

“Is it too fantastical?” David asked, picking up the manuscript and nervously cradling it in his lap, “I admit, I did change some names and physical attributes, but only to protect people’s identities. Everything else is truthful. This is the story my life, as it happened, with no embellishment. This is my complete and honest autobiography.”

“Mr Copperfield, we’re not going to publish this.”

“But I - oh.” David paused. “Forgive me, I don’t wish to argue, but I’m just - I’m just confused. At our previous meeting, you praised my writing so highly. Are you sure I can’t change your mind with another revision?”

“It’s not the writing that’s the problem, Mr Copperfield. It’s you.”

“Me?”

“The truth is, we’ve received a report about you.”

“A report? About what? From whom?”

“From an old school friend of yours. He gave us a review of your character that contradicts your memoirs. He said that when you were boys together, you got him into all manner of trouble - running around London, wreaking havoc, sneaking out of the dormitory at night to visit strumpets.”

“What!” David exclaimed, “Sir, none of this is true, I swear. There was occasionally some trouble, but nothing serious. Just boys making fools of themselves, as boys do. I certainly never hired the services of any ladies - I didn’t even know how!”

“Is that so?” Mr Bradbury leaned forward. “Your friend said that you had rich benefactors who kept your pockets full and your reputation spotless. He also said - ” the publisher lowered his voice to a whisper, “ - that you got the clap off a trollop, and you travelled all the way to Yarmouth to see a doctor under a false name, to make sure it stayed hush-hush.”

“But that’s absurd! I went to Yarmouth to see my childhood friends! Ask them, they’ll tell you the same thing.”

“I don’t know, Mr Copperfield. Your friend was quite credible. He spared us no details.” The publisher inhaled deeply from his pipe. “It seems you’re not exactly the poor, tragic orphan you portray yourself as.”

“What can I do to prove these accusations false? The Peggotty family can corroborate my version of events! Ask them!”

“You mean the Peggotty family who were promised a cut of your royalties? I’m sure they’ll say whatever you tell them to say.”

“But - ”

“Mr Copperfield, I recommend you seek publication elsewhere.”

Silence filled the office. David trembled for a moment, then gathered up his things, rose stiffly, and bowed his head with a jerk.

“Before I go, may I ask…this gentlemen who claimed to know me at school - who pretended to know so much about me. What was his name?”

“I hardly have to divulge that.”

“Are you going to tell anyone? The other publishing houses, I mean?”

“No, this’ll stay between us. Anyone unlucky enough to pick up your manuscript is welcome to deal with you. Good day.”

“...Good day, Mr Bradbury.”

David left the publisher’s office in a daze, walking past rows of printers and binders busily churning out novels. He held his hand-written manuscript close to his chest, as if to shield it from sceptical eyes who would tear its narrative to shreds.

Stepping out of the arched doorway of 85 Fleet Street, he paused to glance up at the view above him - a stern, seven-storey façade of pale bricks. Barely a half-hour ago, he’d walked in that door with a heart full of hope, and now he was walking out with his fledgling career in tatters.

“What’ll I tell Agnes?” he wondered. She’d been so happy to see him excited about his new contract. He could already hear her voice reassuring him everything would be fine, giving him perfectly sensible advice. Sometimes he wished she would be less supportive and more cruel, just so he could feel like he deserved her.

Tears stung his eyes as he walked the streets of Central London, but he blinked them away, breathing deep to steady himself. It took him a minute to realise somebody was calling his name.

“Daisy! Daisy! Look over here!”

He turned to see a familiar figure approaching him. He recognised the ostentatious hat, the dark head of curls, the fine coat.

“Steerforth?” he gasped. “Can it be?”

Steerforth’s silver-handled cane tapped on the pavement as he drew nearer.

“Don’t look so surprised, Daisy. You know I can’t stay away from you,” he teased.

David stared at him in disbelief. They stood eye-to-eye, and Steerforth extended his hand. Remembering his manners, David hurriedly tucked his manuscript under his arm, and shook Steerforth’s hand.

“James, you’re back! I had no idea you were in London! My God, why didn’t you show yourself sooner?”

“It’s a dull story. How’ve you been, Daisy?”

“Me? I’ve - I’ve been fine. But what about you? Nobody’s heard from you in weeks! We thought maybe you’d left the country again.”

“Oh, nonsense,” Steerforth waved a dismissive hand. “I’ve been living my life, same as always. You know me - nothing ever keeps me down.”

“But after the storm and the beach, we - we parted on such bad terms, we weren’t sure if you were ever coming back.”

“That’s in the past. I had to move on eventually.”

“But what about your mother? She’s been losing her mind, searching everywhere for you. Why haven’t you been to see her yet?”

“That’s my business, Daisy.”

“I know, it’s just…You could at least write her a letter. Or send a messenger if you don’t want to see her in-person.”

“Maybe.” Steerforth’s expression turned serious. He leaned on his cane with both hands, and sniffed. “Listen, Daisy. Back at Yarmouth, back on the beach…that whole affair with the Peggottys. I’ve been feeling quite awful about it. Do you think I can be forgiven?”

“Well, I can’t speak for them. But I forgive you.”

“Really? Despite everything I put you through?”

“Really,” David said firmly, “You’ve made some…poor choices, but I believe you to be a good man.”

“You don’t hate me, then?”

“No, I don’t hate you. I never have - I never could.”

“I appreciate that, Daisy. I really do.” Steerforth looked very solemn. “I know things can’t ever be the same as they were, back when we were boys. But still, it would mean a lot to me if you forgave me. The things I did, the things I said…They were terrible. Truly terrible. Can you forgive me?”

“Of course, my friend,” David sighed happily. “Of course. Whatever happened between us, I’m just glad you’re home safe.”

He was indescribably relieved. Relieved that his once-closest companion had turned out to be a good person after all. Relieved that he no longer had to live in a world where they weren’t friends.

“Thank you, Daisy.” Steerforth’s seriousness went away, and he grinned again. “Anyway, enough about me! Tell me what you’ve been up to. How’s the writing going?”

“It’s going well. I’ve published some short stories in The Morning Chronicle, and now I’m working on a full-length book.”

“A book? How wonderful! Is that it right there?”

He pointed to the manuscript under David’s arm. David instinctively tried to hide it.

“Yes, it’s - well, I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but it’s an autobiography.”

“No need to be embarrassed, my darling Daisy. Your life has had enough ups and downs to fill a thousand pages. You might as well earn some money off it.”

“That’s true…”

“So what did the publisher at Fleet Street think of it?”

“Well, they were pleased with…Wait, how did you know I’d found a publisher there?”

Suddenly, Steerforth grinned. He widened his eyes and trembled his lip in an expression of mock earnestness.

“Mr Bradbury, I swear, he was out of control!” he exclaimed theatrically, “Even at a young age, it was like he had the devil in him. All of us were afraid of him, but we went along with everything he said, because we feared he would make our semester a living hell. Mr Bradbury, for the sake of your poor readers, please don’t let him spread his lies any further! The man he pretends to be is not the creature he was!”

David couldn’t speak. Steerforth burst into laughter.

“I swear, no matter how many years go by, you’re still as much of a dullard as you were back at school. When I look at you, all I see is that scared, lonely little orphan on his first day, so desperate to make friends, so eager to please. Hanging on my every word. Tripping over himself to make me smile.”

As he stared at Steerforth’s laughing face, it took David a moment to realise that he’d been fooled. Steerforth wasn’t sorry. He had no regrets about anything. He’d only feigned remorse as a set-up to this punchline. The bigger the twist, the greater the satisfaction.

“The look on your face!” chuckled Steerforth, full of glee. “Of all the pranks I’ve pulled, this was my favourite.”

“Prank?” David uttered, “James, you cost me a contract that I worked very hard for. Because of you, I was dropped by Bradbury. Now I have to start all over again.”

“Oh, cheer up, Daisy,” Steerforth scoffed, “There are other publishing houses in London. I’m sure your grand monument to self-pity will be flying off the shelves in no time!”

“How could you do this to me?”

“Typical Daisy - so virtuous he can’t even take a joke.”

“What you did was no joke, James. You could’ve ruined me.”

“That was the idea. Good day!” Steerforth tipped his hat merrily, and walked away.

And so ended David’s first meeting with the reborn Steerforth.

As David watched him go, he considered the many years of friendship that had preceded this quarrel, and began to wonder if they’d been an illusion. Had Steerforth ever really liked him? Had he ever seen him as a friend? Or had he merely seen him as a pet, an amusing novelty?

Upon David’s arrival at Mrs Strong’s school, Steerforth had been the first to extend the hand of friendship towards him. He’d taken the lowly orphan under his wing, becoming his mentor and protector - defending him from bullies, even while being a subtle bully himself. Whether it was motivated by sympathy or by a condescending sense of charity, it was an act of kindness for which David would always feel grateful.

And from that day on, David had loved him. How could he not? Everybody loved James Steerforth. James Steerforth was everything: rich, stylish, handsome, funny, clever, and seemingly without flaw. He’d been the most popular boy at school, beloved by students and teachers alike. The sort of boy who was welcome everywhere he went, the object of admiration and adoration from all.

As the years had passed, Steerforth had proven himself to be selfish and irresponsible. His money and privilege had made him carefree and inconsiderate; and time and again, he’d treated other people poorly. Not because he meant to do so, but because he lived in a world where none of his actions had consequences, and where he’d always been sheltered from the reality of human suffering. Adulthood had brought him little maturity, and he’d charmed his way through life in a never-ending quest for pleasure, oblivious to the trail of destruction he’d left in his merry wake.

Yet still David had worshipped him. None of Steerforth’s shortcomings could ever dampen the gratitude that David had felt towards him.

And then, one fateful summer, David had made the mistake of inviting Steerforth on a trip to Yarmouth, to visit the home of the Peggottys, his childhood friends. There, Steerforth’s wandering eye had been caught by Emily, the fiancée of Ham Peggotty. The rest was history.

It was a mistake for which David would always blame himself.

“I should’ve known better,” he muttered as he began to walk in the direction of home. “I should’ve known you’d cause trouble. You always do.”

But the sabotage of his publishing contract was a turn of events that he could never have predicted. This wasn’t the misguided prank of a careless young man, but a deliberate act of malice, inflicted by a venomous and vindictive soul.

The Steerforth who’d returned from Yarmouth was…different. On the night of the storm, he’d lost something - perhaps his self-worth, perhaps his dignity, perhaps his sense of right and wrong; David wasn’t sure what. But it seemed that the best part of Steerforth had been lost with the sinking boat, leaving only the worst part behind.

Chapter V: The Uninvited Guest

[tcoyd]

TW: Blood, wounds.

I quite rarely draw something based on my original characters and even less often write something on this topic. Anyway, I'm publishing a sketch and a short story for them.

It was important for every soldier in this world to earn the blessing of two: Sonmaniel, the goddess of war and the scorching sun, and Maveot, the god of death. And each of them was afraid of one thing: to see death firsthand. No matter how much each of them claimed that they were not afraid of death, when they saw a man in a dream, when they saw him in reality, each of them was covered with cold sweat. Bad luck: if Maveot came in person, it means he will take it with him soon. And many ordinary soldiers were afraid to see him in front of their eyes.

The experienced ones were also afraid.

But the wounded don't care anymore.

Operation of «Hounds» turned out to be much more deplorable than it should have been. He, the sniper, a young major, went on the offensive with the others. He no longer had any points for establishing a sniper.

And when the splinter hits the heart, darkness comes immediately.

And indifference followed her. Who would have thought that dying was so easy?

Silence. Cold hands on his face. They hug, stroke the chin and remove the hair stuck, wet with blood and sweat from the forehead. The body is light, as if someone else's ...

— Well, why did you do that ...?

The voice behind you no longer seems ominous. He had heard this rumbling rasp many times before, so many times that he had already scratched his soul naked deep inside.

— You promised to dance.

Someone else's head rests on top of his head, and his hair obscures the view. He doesn't want to open his eyes anymore.

«I wonder if Maveot talks to everyone who dies like that?" — He even has the strength to think.

— You've been dancing the tango with Death for so long. I even like to give in to you step by step and sigh by sigh. So why don't you dance? Are your legs tangled?

Death lifts his head to look into someone else's pale, faded eyes. The extinguished blue meets the blood-red gaze of death.

«I don't care anymore.»

— It's okay... It's okay, my brave soldier. I'll give you another chance. Your thread shouldn't break so early.

The soldier closes his eyes. A second chance? What a generosity. The sounds gradually gain volume and volume. The sound of life support equipment... The hospital smell of drugs, the smell of blood... It's coming slowly, but inexorably.

—Don't let me down, Major.

The voice is drowning in sounds somewhere on the edge.

The eyes open with difficulty, lazily. His head feels like it's in a vice, and his eyes are swimming. It's hard to focus. He turns his head. There's someone sitting in front of him. He looks up with a bleary gaze at the man in front of him.

— You idiot.

The voice is familiar. It sounds clearer. He makes out the features of a familiar face. The ligaments pull and it turns out only to croak:

— Ortega ...

— Ortega has been for almost thirty years. I wouldn't be chained to a bed!.. — The voice of the childhood friend rises, but he immediately stops himself so as not to put pressure on the friend and the patient. He rubs the bridge of his nose. — Your family came by. You survived by a miracle, I won't hide it. By a miracle, Inis.

A tired smile. I didn't have the strength, but I was glad that he was alive.

— I told you so... I'm healing like... a dog....

— Yes, you are a dog.

— Yeah...

the image of someone else's hands and voice, cold, rough, tenacious touches, arises in my mind. The equipment beeps intensely and Dr. Ortega, a scientist and practicing surgeon, pays attention to it.

— I saw him....

— Who?

Ortega frowns, gets up to double-check the ivs, the bandage... With such a chest injury, of course, it is possible to survive, but the chances are slim. And it's true that everything heals on a dog.

— Mave...ot... — He doesn't know why he stammers. There is a pain and constriction in his chest. It's even scary, his heart wouldn't stop.

Ortega freezes, but then continues, ignoring.

— Eros... I saw him... And I survived...

— You said it yourself, you're like a dog. You're superstitious.

— You too...

— I'm a doctor. I can't be superstitious.

— You believe in everything connected with me...

Inis closes his eyes. Yes... He don't believe him. But they've known each other since they were young. Eros believed in everything he believed in.

The image of hands is still frozen by hot touches on the face.

And really, a second chance...

[trickstarbrave]

i dont wanna bug op but like

to the person who rbed from me specifically and posted these tags:

#this is hilarious because dricing the speed limit is not gonna get you hit..#you really think ppl will rear end you because Youre drivimg the speed limit?#do you understand that if you get rear ended it is quite literally always their fault unless they have PROOF#that you intentionally break checked them?#rear end is always the person in backs fault i havent ever heard it ruled another way and thats how my accident was ruled w no investigation#no one will read end you because they know it would ruin their life#theyd be out a car theyd get a ticket and possibly arrested you sue them and then they cant ever replace that car#literally they cant because the used car market is nuts#no one is going to hit you guys like cmon thats the worst excuse ive ever heard#you guys are really so impatient that travelling 20x the speed you could generate on your own is too much??#jesus christ...#this is why i dont make friends this behavior is ridiculous and if i get in a car w someone and their speeding all over#im getting out of the car and were not friends anymore like you dont invite someone in your vehicle and drive unsafe w them

you are correct that getting rear ended is almost always gonna have you ruled as Not At Fault. i actually recently got hit in the rear of my car. cops ruled me not at fault. i had to CHASE DOWN THIS WOMAN'S FUCKING INSURANCE TO GET THEM TO PAY FOR MY CAR. and do you know what they said? they said the car wasn't worth fucking fixing. they said it was totaled. it wasn't even that fucked up. but apparently repairs were FAR beyond what the car was worth despite buying a new vehicle costing WAY MORE THAN THAT. this debacle took literally MONTHS trying to resolve. eventually i had to get my dad involved, go to MY insurance, get the money up to what they determined my fucking car was worth, and then pay for the rest of the repairs out of fucking pocket.

i guess i could have chased this old woman down in small claims court for the fucking difference but 1. i dont think the court would have given a shit and decided its MY problem my vehicle is apparently worth only 1k dollars 2. she's an old woman that only hit me because she had fainted earlier, was trying to show her friend how to back up the car bc her breaks were fucked up, accidentally hit the gas too hard while disoriented, and hit my car. she was already at fault for her friend's medical bills. do you think i wanted to be the bad guy hounding some old woman for fucking money.

also like. it doesn't matter if they are at fault and we are going at the designated highway speed limit of 65-70 mph here. that is going to completely destroy the back of my car, potentially flip my vehicle or at the very least cause me to go off road, and i might actually die. "oh that won't happen grow up--" ive been in a near fatal car accident WITHOUT someone fucking read ending me on the highway. my wheel locked up when i was trying to make a pass and i ended up going off road and crashing into a tree. i was lucky it wasnt me going off road off a fucking mountainside bc those are common here and would have meant absolute certain death. sure they will go to jail for manslaughter but i dont want a pyrrhic fucking victory jackass i wanna live

i have driven the speed limit before. i had ppl up my fucking ass who then pass me and flip me off or deliberately made a point to drive close to the side of my vehicle in a passing lane to intimidate me. "but thats illegal they can't do that" astute observation shithead. do you think when i am worried about Not Dying as someone who has Nearly Died In A Car Accident Before because some jackass has decided killing both of us is a valid response to a mild inconvenience i wanna try and get their fucking license plate and call the cops who will tell me "we'll look into it" and do fucking nothing?

i would really genuinely love to not live in a shit place like this. our car centric infrastructure is also done in a way that de-incentivizes actually going the speed limit for most ppl (did you know ppl slow down if the streets are more narrow naturally? yeah they also speed the fuck up if there are like 7 fucking lanes on this road). people here drive like maniacs. i've also nearly been killed for even dumber reasons than someone deciding to ride my ass down the highway like coming to a complete fucking stop on the highway leading to me having to swerve into 2 other lanes. and i was GOING THE SPEED LIMIT DURING THIS INCIDENT.

tl;dr:

"someone might rear end you bc u live in a place with insane ass drivers? yeah right thats illegal, people can't do that!"

[khodorkovskaya]

14.07.23

watched my mum's homevideos yesterday and omg

maybe my grandparents did love each other, despite what my grandma claims..? bc every day she's like "thank god i don't have a man" or "my retirement wouldve been miserable if he was still alive". but they looked so happy in those videos! idk i feel like everyone's been super unfair to my grandpa bc he was ill by the end of his life and it was literally not his fault he went crazy like he had a medical problem. yes, okay, he did try to kill my grandma and my auntie with an axe, but it's sad that it's the only thing he's remembered for! and i don't think he was an alcoholic like my grandma claims. on all videos they took shots together and my mum said that he never drank in the house. i think he was just depressed and homesick and no one loved him and that's why he was miserable by the end of his life. i would've definitely vibed with him, i know it!

but yeah the videos were mostly of lviv. and they made me homesick even tho ive never been to lviv. but seeing my greatgrandma and all of those distant relatives ive never met made me feel this kind of longing for a time ive never experienced. everyone was always smiling and laughing and they all looked so happy. and beautiful. and i love how back in the day women wore those little babushka headscarves, i want to start wearing one too.

it's a shame that there is no audio bc there are many videos of my greatgrandmother singing and my mum said that ukrainian singing is the most beautiful thing in the world. and i would've loved to hear it. it's sad to imagine that so many folk songs and traditions have probably been lost.

there was also a video of my other greatgrandma's funeral. she was married off to a man 10+ years her senior and had 10 children. she was illiterate. and she died at 68. i wonder what she was like.

and on the video you see all of her children. and now the only one left is my grandma, the rest have passed away long ago. both her sons went to jail, one of them commited suicide and the other killed his wife. the son of the one who killed his wife is on the videos too, there's a video of his wedding. he worked with khodorkovsky and fled to lithuania after the whole yukos case thing. he's in his 70s now.

another woman from the videos i would've loved to meet was auntie nadia. she looked so wonderful! my own auntie went to visit lviv for the first time in like 30 years in 2013. and she saw auntie nadia and she was like 76 and had trouble walking. i hope she's still alive. she looked so wonderful! she couldn't have children of her own, so she took care of all the neighbourhood kids and everyone loved her, she was so lovely.

but yeah, time is weird. it's even weird to think that my greatgrandmother had a name, you know? idk how to explain it, but we're so used to our ancestors just being our ancestors that it's weird to imagine that they had all these whole lives of their own with their own friends and ups and downs and memories and dreams. like my greatgrandmother was called pani yankevichova (no idea how that would be spelled in polish sorry) or anastasia grigorievna or maybe she even had a nickname, who knows. and my other greatgrandmother was called arina but apparently that wasn't russian enough so her passport name was irina. and her husband called her arisha. i wonder how she felt constantly being pregnant and living in poverty...

even my own grandma, i dont really know know her. like yes, she's my grandmother and we used to be very close before she got really old and started having memory issues. i used to call her every day when id come home from school, we would skype for hours, she was my best friend. but seeing her on those videos of when she was in her 30s is like wow who is that? and seeing all of them hanging out in lviv and singing and dancing and hugging each other and drinking together and omg there were some clips of them eating what i think is pierogi/pelmeni/vareniki..? everything is in black and white but yummmm. my mum always told me that her lviv grandma's food was delish. but yeah, i would've loved to time travel to meet all of them. </3

[tearyeye-private-i]

Big Bad John! Backstage, the Moon Shadow Saloon, Atlanta, Georgia. Oct 19, 1982.

📷 Rick Diamond.

12 Days of Christmas (8/12)

WARNING! GRAPHIC STORY!! (tw gore, violence, drug use).

Somethin’ about this reminds of the times he went ballistic and hit hospital staff. But before getting to that, the backstory:

    John relapsed after taking pill killers for his eye surgery, in 1981. He wrote, “then I kept taking them after I didn’t need to.” His wounds from the ostrich attack gave justification to use, but after recovering, he wrote, “I knew I was taking them because I liked the way they made me feel.” Thus, he was back on amphetamines and drinking wine to take the edge off.

He’d carry on this way until his European tour. At his lodging, in Nottingham, England, Nov 10, 1983. In which the “spider bite” incident took place. John was convinced a wood panel could turn into a Murphy bed. He tore at the wall, likely, Victorian-era splinters embedded into his right hand. His blood-soaked paw roused him from his delusion, then in bed that night, he hallucinated a big spider biting his injured hand.

    After the tour, John wrote, “my hand was just a giant ball of infection.” He’d checked into the Baptist Hospital, in Memphis, Tennessee. Where internal bleeding was found in his mid-section. They removed his duodenum, parts of his stomach, spleen, and several feet of intestine. John felt he’d be in the hospital for a while, before his first surgery, so he hid a stash of drugs with him. Percodan, amphetamines, and a fifty-dose card of Valium.

Thinking he was so clever with his new hiding spot, the Valium card underneath his bandages. As he wrote, “over the freshly sutured incision on my belly.” His condition turned for the worse, medical staff didn’t know why, until he awoke to show them the dressing. Half the pills had dissolved into the wound. As John wrote, “I don’t know if it was the Valium’s fault but that was a horrible wound; it took months to heal properly.”

    Following recovery, he wrote, “I was about as high as I could be anyway, lost in intensely vivid hallucinations. I half wrecked the ICU, upsetting IV poles and doing all kinds of damage, because I just had to make somebody understand about the commandos; they’d gotten into the hospital and were setting their charges all around the room.” He was in danger of his guts falling out and onto the floor, but he didn’t care. He was in a nightmare, only to be given more morphine, which John wrote. “They didn’t know who they were dealing with, or what: more dope just made me more crazy.”

    While visiting Waylon Jennings after undergoing a triple bypass, on December 14, 1988. John had a check-up that day, and 24 hours later, he learned he’d also be having open heart surgery. The procedure went on Dec 19, two-and-a-half hours, and a 90% blockage to the main coronary artery. It was also during this surgery John had a close call and claimed to speak with his friend Roy Orbison, who had passed on Dec 6, of that same year. He also smoked cigarettes half an hour prior to the surgery, and you’re not supposed to do that.

Days after the surgery, he endured a bad bout of pneumonia. On a particularly restless night, he thought he’d gone to Heaven, but when awaking he was mad to not be in Heaven. So, he went crazy. He trashed around the room, pulling the tubes connected to his arm, even wrestling hospital staff. As quoted in Ron Handelman’s book of John, “An article in the Nashville Banner suggested that the doctors might have been to blame for over-medicating him.” Which could be true, but it’s not like they knew he’d rage out.

Basically, he turned into that Yeti in the clip above! From Robot Chicken (From S1/EP 3: Nightmare Generator). Nothin’ like starting the New Year with a story, even if messed up and gross.

Stories/Quotes/Paraphrased from:

“Cash: The Autobiography,” pg, 174 – 179.

“Johnny Cash: The Life,” pg, 520 – 521.

[honeyxmonkey]

so...carter and archie are both extremely important to douxie right? thats a given. ive been wondering about this for a while and i have to ask. which is stronger? a familiar bond or being soulmates? ik he loves them both different but ya

Hmm... good question. So, I've had this thought in the back of my head for a while, and I think that the only real answer is that both the bond he has with Carter as his soulmate and Archie as his familiar are both equally as strong but in very different ways.

The way I look at it is that no two bonds are ever the same. In the universe of Half-bloods and Hunters, there are several types of soul bonds. Familiar soul bonds, romantic soul bonds, and platonic/familial soul bonds.

Douxie has all three, but we'll get to the last one in a minute.

So, the familiar bond he has with Archie definitely separates and defines him in the wizard community. Familiars are not common, and are definitely much rarer than any other soul bond. Almost everyone has one of the other two, but only wizards are able to form familiar bonds with animals.

Douxie and Archie to me seem like they are two halves of one whole. You can't separate them without there being something obviously missing. They need eachother, in a more simplified term. Because they've been familiars for so long, I imagine that if you took one of them out of the picture, the other wouldn't last very long. In my mind, familiar bonds are ones that the individuals choose to create. And because there is that choice to be bonded for life, that's what makes it so special.

Now, the kind of soul bond Douxie and Carter have is a romantic one, although not every pair of soulmates are explicitly romantic. (Fenris and Archie are an example of this, where they have a sort of platonic soul bond that isn't strictly romantic, but there is something between them that goes deeper than just friendship. More on this later, as well as it being a major theme in the second book.)

Soulmates come in a lot of different forms, and not one looks the same as the other. Douxie and Carter are soulmates who both experience romantic and physical attraction, so this plays a large part in how their soul bond works. Here's an excerpt from something I was working on from Douxie’s pov:

Douxie nodded and kissed the top of his head. He smiled to himself, burrowing his face into Carter's soft hair, letting every part of his soul sync with Carter’s. Douxie let out a soft breath, relaxing even more into all of it. It was beautiful, to be intertwined, tangled in the way their souls crossed together, in the truest and deepest way possible. At the very core, that is what it meant to be soulmates.

It was to be in complete harmony with one another, each soul knowing the other and glowing for its counterpart. To feel and know the other to their core like you knew your own. To have an intimate understanding of the person who's soul was tied to your own.

Soulmate bonds tend to be more of where their souls reflect eachother. It's predestined in every sense of the word. Everyone has a soulmate, but like I said, not every pair of soulmates are necessarily going to be of the romantic kind. But, for Douxie and Carter, the soul bond is romantic.

So, the main differences between Douxie and Archie vs Douxie and Carter

Familiar bond= choosing to be soul bound

And

Soulmate bond= predestined soul bond usually having to do with fate

--

Now, on the subject of platonic/familial soul bonds.

Platonic soulmates are definitely things, and are usually a pair of people (sometimes more than just two), who share the same qualities of a romantic soul bond, but without romance being involved. This is mainly common among asexual/aromantic people, and aroace soulmates are usually very close friends who spend their lives together.

And like I said previously, Douxie has a platonic/familial bond.

And it's with Jim.

So, because Jim is a Divine King, before he understood what that truly meant, he claimed Douxie as his family. Douxie is his wizard, a servant and advisor to the king Jim is going to become.

Both of them claim eachother as their family, and because of the way magic works, claiming eachother that way means they're going to form a familial bond. But the thing about it, is that platonic/familial bonds are almost always. predestined. But theirs wasn't. Because Jim is a Divine King, he has certain abilities associated with it. And Douxie is a wizard. They casually created a soul link between themselves because they love eachother that much.

Think about it like Percy and Grover's empathy link but on a much deeper level.

So yeah! The idea of soul bonds is a major theme of Book 2, and I'm super excited for it!!

[qumiiiquinnquin]

it just dawned on me.

that throughout my entire life , ive been abused. its taken its toll on my mental health during my childhood , but not once did i ever think about just. ending it , or ever doing anything to myself.

this probably immediately sounds ridiculous. most kids in an abusive family do try to escape , resort to sh or...disappearing. why didn't i then? was i really abused?

but i never considered any of it , not until i was probably 15 or 16.

the first time i wanted to end it was when i was 11. it wasn't due to family , it was due to thinking a very close friend of mine no longer cared about me. yea , it was over a friendship. she claimed she did still care , and it was on me not participating in conversations. its kind of hard to jump into a conversation though where you're immediately excluded or never acknowledged though... but i claim responsibility and was wrong to feel the way i did and accuse her ((middle school drama)).

but aside from the first time that i learned i shouldnt be allowed to have friends , i otherwise never considered disappearing. the situations with my family my whole life felt normal to me. being yelled at and spanked by my dad up until i was 11 but yelled at again and him being a bit physical with me when i became chronically depressed and severely anxious when i was 16 and 17 , being a bit neglected by my mom and put into multiple situations that could have k!lled me or gotten the cops called on her , being yelled at by my stepdad and never allowed to criticize my mom and always treated like he knows everything and i don't know anything , being manipulated and emotionally abused by my nana and “aunt”...

both my parents did things that easily could've gotten the cops called on them for abuse , since i was a baby. of course , no one found out. and everyone in my family claims to feel sorry and guilty for everything they've done to my sibling and i , except my “aunt” and nana , the latter saying to me before that she's never done anything wrong to my sibling and i. and really , i dont have the guts to call anyone on my family because i know both of my parents and stepdad care about my sibling and i a lot , despite the rough childhood.

besides my parents and stepdad , my “aunt” and nana were the other main sources for my declining mental health , and its because of them that im shocked im still here. as i said , both were very emotionally abusive and manipulative. they were judgmental and strict about our appearances , what we ate , how much we ate , our weights , and our attitudes. especially my “aunt” , who would not even accept a poker face. if you were not smiling , you were automatically accused or questioned of not enjoying yourself , and guilt-tripped for making her and my uncle spend so much money to ensure my sibling and i had a good time.

she wanted things her way , and every time we “misbehaved” it resulted in over the top punishments. we would have to eat lunch that day downstairs the room we stayed in , we couldn't really talk and multiple times we had to write apology letters and read them aloud to her. one time when we did this , after we read her our letters , she brought up how she never met her dad and was raised in poverty , and along with other hardships , she would make herself cry and my sibling and i were forced to console her. another time when we were punished , she took away all of our electronics , and when they were reluctantly given back to us , my sibling and i saw the message on our lock screens that too many attempts had been made and another attempt could be made in a half hour. in other words , she had tried to get into our phones , likely to see if we were communicating with our mom and stepdad or our dad about our “aunt.” one of the days when we got in trouble , my sibling and i had enough and were downstairs , cursing about her. she had clearly been standing right there listening , because she flung open the door right after one of our comments and threatened to fly us back home and make sure our dad grounds us. i told her why she cant just give us back to our mom and stepdad , and she claimed she couldn't do that , and its either we fix our behavior or we go home - this is something she is not allowed to do. for flights to and from my mom's and my dad's , only my mom and dad can coordinate that. to anyone that needs to know the times and dates so they can make sure we’re packed and ready , they will be notified. otherwise , nobody else but my mom and dad are allowed to arrange flights for my sibling and i traveling to and from home.

but she had eavesdropped on us before , doing it an earlier visit after we went to bed and the door was closed. we were whisper complaining , but at one point my sibling stopped me and somebody walked away from the door. she would grab us by the arm or wrist a lot and sternly speak to us a couple inches from our faces , since we were 4 and 5 or 5 and 6. she told me once how we were embarrassing her. she often compared us to other children , saying the kids she would occasionally watch who were older than us acted better than us , and so did our baby cousins. one time when we were punished , she gave us a lecture on our behavior , saying when we get a job with our attitude , we will be fired and end up homeless with nobody to help us because of our behavior and disrespect. she targeted my sibling , one summer making my sibling feel bad for ruining my birthday and returned the gift , blaming my sibling for it. she made my sibling apologize to me and i had to console my sibling that night , who was crying uncontrollably and blaming themselves for everything. the next morning my "aunt" had placed a letter under my pillow , containing $20 inside and apologizing for my sibling's behavior - i tossed the letter and shared the money with my sibling. another time , my sibling got in trouble for something , and had to stay downstairs away from everyone. when they came up for dinner , they played with it , and my "aunt" said that if my sibling wasn't going to eat and just play with their food , then they could go back down to bed. my sibling left and went downstairs and i immediately excused myself too , so i could go be with my sibling. i comforted them and hugged them as they cried. one of the visits when we had to leave to go see our “aunt” , my sibling cried and screamed and my stepdad had to carry them out because there was nothing else that could be done - we had to go see them. only late last year did i realize that she was trying to live through my sibling and i , and i broke down crying.

my nana was my sibling’s and i’s favorite relative growing up until we were 12 and 13. growing up , she was nice , but was strict and oftentimes made rude comments about us , our home , or our parents ((including stepparent)). we just accepted these comments since there wasn't too much else that she was doing other than randomly being rude and self-centered. we didnt know the kind of person our nana was though until we were 12 and 13 , where we found out she was very manipulative and controlling. we wanted to spend a week , just one full week , with our mom , who is the person that i am doing these visits for , as she is the primary person we are here to see. my nana wasn't allowing it and expressed her lack of faith in my mom’s ability to parent and refused to listen to listen to my stepdad’s plea because he cussed at her out of frustration. my sibling and i cried and i had never yelled so loudly at anyone. i was just wanting to spend a week with my mom , but my nana refused to listen and said nobody had any control over the situation and my sibling and i have to deal with it. eventually she talked to my mom in private , and then came back crying and begging for forgiveness and allowed us to stay the rest of the summer break ((3 weeks)) with our mom , not forcing us to see anyone else. my mom told me though that from that incident , my nana believed that im autistic and my sibling is bipolar ((...because we were fighting back , yelling , and crying , demanding she let us spend time with our mom...)).

only after that did it get worse. she now had shown the manipulative and controlling aide of herself , so now every visit was more tense and she wasn't afraid to keep showing that side. she gaslit us , telling me back in 2020 that she had never done anything wrong to my sibling and i , right after an extremely minor situation got out of control because of her and she made it about herself , sending out an email blaming our mom , stepdad , aunt , uncle , and dad for raising us the way they did and letting us behave the way we do , and claiming my sibling and i were acting like visiting her was like getting bamboo shoved up our fingernails. our nana targeted my sibling as well throughout childhood , rarely trusting them and refusing to trust me when id try to stand up for them because ‘im just being their sibling and defending them.’ i was also only realizing shit she was doing our entire lives , such as making us visit everyone without complaints and keeping us away from our mom. although my mom wasn't well for a while , my nana kept us from her a lot because she had no faith in my mom’s ability to parent , and openly shamed her for her weight and body , once saying “do you want to end up looking like your mother?” to my sibling and i when we were younger and had wanted a snack an hour after not being able to finish our breakfast that morning. she had also tried forcing gender stereotypes on us and tried to make us grow up to be attractive women , wear girls clothing only , do housework while our grandpa doc worked , and be submissive to others. in 2017 or 18 when she learned of my hatred towards our "aunt" , she told me i need to stop holding unnecessary grudges and just get over it , because it does nothing but ruin relationships and it's not fair or respectful to people.

both my “aunt” and nana openly blamed our dad and family back home for our behaviors. my nana didnt like my dad in general because my mom’s claim that he had hit her while they were still married , and my nana had told me when i was 8 that my dad was the cause of the divorce and had expressed surprise about him being able to raise two children while single and in the military. my “aunt” just...hated everyone. she was rude to everyone , but always demanded respect in return. she would never talk to others but just watch them closely , but when anyone talked to her , she'd say very short responses in a harsh tone.

my sibling and i couldn't do anything. there was nobody for us to turn to. we knew that nobody would listen to us because we're "just being little kids" , and spring break of 2014 or 15 just cemented those worries. my nana claimed that she'd do something when we expressed to her the things our "aunt" had done up until that point , but she never did until my "aunt" and uncle got divorced in 2018 , kicking our "aunt" out of the family. our nana communicated with our dad about us flying to and from home to see our mom , and if we had opened up at all about our nana , if would've caused enormous problems and we likely wouldn't have been able to fly out to see our mom anymore. there was no escape from this family. our mom and stepdad knew about our "aunt" and nana , but couldn't do anything and told us to just go with the flow - which never worked , but nothing else could be done. my dad just excused our nana's behavior as part of her upbringing and being from a wealthy family , and we just have to be understanding of her - also didn't work because respect needs to be mutual not one-sided , otherwise you then have a controlling relationship. he did not seem to be aware of what she and our "aunt" were doing , as i had expressed one of the incidents of our "aunt" to my dad's former girlfriend's daughter in 2018 or 19 , and he overheard me , repeatedly saying "what the hell."

since there was nobody for us to talk to or anyone that would believe us , my sibling and i kept it to ourselves. all we could do was vent to each other , cry , complain about having to visit/stay with someone , and , something i very much recall: when i was 11 and my sibling was 10 , we both took out my old tablet and opened up a notes app , listing things we believe we were , putting down things like burdens , children , wastes of time , brats , ugly , and worthless. we saw little to no value in ourselves , and i only recently realized just the kind of impact our "aunt" and nana had on our mental healths at such young ages.

but now , everything has calmed down. i dont know why , but since 2021 it feels like everything that was wrong in my family completely stopped. my nana has chilled out a lot since the passing of her husband , though she still makes unwanted and rude comments time to time. i haven't seen or heard from our "aunt" since 2018 either. earlier that year , our mom told us that our "aunt" wanted us to keep her company after the divorce ((there's a certain term for it but i don't recall it)) , but we declined immediately because we knew she'd just use us for comfort and make us consolidate her at all times. im very glad i haven't seen her again , she had been abusive to our uncle too , whom i was very surprised to see was much nicer after he divorce. we were used to him being emotionally abusive towards us too , but after the divorce and he was much more friendly , i realized it was the influence she had on him that had made him be so hurtful in the past. im still frustrated at my nana for not taking into account the impact she had on my sibling and i and only caring about our uncle , especially because we had said something 4-5 years prior.

but despite all that...i for some reason never considered shing or disappearing or escaping. there was nothing else i could do , why did i never consider it? i only have since 2020 when my mental health started declining , but it was originally due to just general sewercidal thoughts and hating being depressed. but in the last couple of years , ive been having bad memories of how our nana and "aunt" used to treat us , and it partially became a reason why i wanted to commit. when i attempted back in 2021 , the reasons then were because of them , and being tired of being depressed , and thinking ill make everyone's lives better.

i just don't understand. when i had my first ideation at 11 , it wasn't due to family , but it was in the middle of the fucking 10+ years of abuse we faced. only at 15 and 16 did it bother me , and im finding it hard at 18 to be able to just. get past it.

i just don't understand. why did it never cross my mind? my thoughts at 11 should've been about family.

and i wish i had acted on them to get out of this hell.

[fenrisisms]

i have always wanted to know more about riva but didn't know where to start, so riva for oc questions if you're down to answer them? pick your own adventure (questions to answer) version though. what's rotating in your brain that you want to textually chew on?

HI!!!! THANK U FOR THE ASK!!!!

honestly where to start for any of my ocs is just "tell me now" i can talk about my ocs for hours completely unprompted and prompted? oh boy. as riva is one of my most specialist little meow meows in the world this will probably be super long <333 soz in advance the mental illness is about to be unleashed

does your oc have siblings or family members in their age group? which one are they closest with?

yes :) amell warden canonically has four siblings but for character theme reasons i fridged them all offscreen, which riva knows because he spends the years after the blight and in between warden business hunting down any family he has left because he's curious. he got records of the hawkes in lothering pretty early on but just assumed they died at ostagar (he was there, he knows lots of people Did That and hes sooooo so mad that he was in proximity and missed them) until several years later when he gets a letter from zevran that's like My Man You Are Never Gonna Fucking Believe This

anyway for like. age group. he's born in 9:11 dragon which makes him the same age as his cousin carver hawke, but younger than his cousin graham the champion of kirkwall hawke, which is a fact not known to graham the champion of kirkwall hawke until after he has spent like two years following this guy around on the assumption he is in fact older and thus wiser than him. graham does not take this news well.

anyway all of that to say he is very close to both gray and carver because they are the only family he has left and he really, really treasures them. he and gray have an especially close relationship as people who have taken on tremendous burdens and who feel alone in carrying them.

what kind of childhood did your oc have?

so he's the youngest amell sibling right [ignoring bioware's implications to the contrary] and so he's just a baby when amell sr dips from kirkwall with the kids and he's also quite a bit younger than his older siblings (he's 19 at the start of origins, his siblings are edith [30, kirkwall], ewan [27, ansburg], caspian [25, ostwick] & pippa [23, starkhaven]. yes i have thought about this a normal amount) so he's still just a toddler when the last of his siblings manifest their magic and his dad goes okay. ive had enough of this dude. rows his ass across the lake and dumps him at the tower because of course That One Is Going To Be A Mage Too and then he just. disappears.

so anyway riva doesn't really remember a life outside the circle because he's been there since he was like. three. and that has impacted his life in sooo many ways. on one hand he gets a lot of leniency because like. half the people in that tower Raised him, yknow? he was there for at least five years before his magic manifested and even after the switch the templars who were already grooming him for templar training still can't quite let go of the child they remember from Before. ofc that doesn't win him any friends because everyone he's supposed to be like is aware that if he hadn't been one of them, he'd be one of them. he's genial enough to fit in everywhere but he also belongs nowhere. i could talk about this specifically for hours but tldr same idea as sending a gay kid to catholic school to make them less gay. doesn't work at all how u think it's gonna <3

what relationship/s have had the most influence on them?

1000% irving is the single greatest influence on riva. greagoir can claim a little bit of credit as irving's opposite. whatever they are. but a lot of the way riva approaches life is from having witnessed how irving does it. irving is a surrogate father to riva and he is one of the best examples riva has of a mage who lives a successful (relative) life so of course he's going to emulate whatever the fuck he's doing and well. he is a prodigy after all :)

there's plenty of other people who had influence on his life. wynne. zevran. leliana. anders, even (the anders relationship is so. So. but there's not really any questions where i can discuss whatever the fuck was happening there) buuut the only one i really want to mention is cullen <3

i fell into the trap of trusting bioware to have their once per game banger moment and i. should not have. but unfortunately for me i love to look at bad writing and go "i could fix her" even if the character should NOT be fixed. anyway somtimes ur thirteen and you meet some random blonde kid while you're breaking into the templar libraries and you don't even know this meeting is going to irreversibly shape your beef with the chantry and also you're going to be hung up on this pathetic wet rat of a man for the next ten years despite being ferelden's most eligible bachelor. he is the most normal and well adjusted hero of his worldstate. i would say sorry to riva for inflicting whatever this is on him but i'm not really. i would say sorry to RIVER who has to endure me going insane about quite possibly the biggest L of a ship i have. but i am also not <3

how quick is your oc to trust someone else?

deceptively slow! he is really personable and charming, but he's also grown up in an environment where loyalty is transactional and he operates on the basis that the second he is no longer useful to someone, in whatever way he quantifies being useful to someone, then he is no longer in a position of power. so as you can imagine him and zevran interacting for the first few months is a Trip for both of them. and that is why they are now best friends forever <3 he gets better after being free of the circle for a while when he realizes some people are not having to play 8 dimensional chess to stay alive but in general he is very good at making people feel close to him even though he has thought of 16 escape strategies, at least 9 of which involve outright murder. he contains multitudes.

opinion on the chantry?

kind of combining multiple questions here but he understands the importance of religion or at least some conviction or belief in your life. something to bring you comfort when times get hard. something you can turn to when nothing else makes sense. he also thinks the chantry as an institution needs to be systematically dismantled and ground into the dust below his heel. he also grew up in a position where he watched the chantry change people he knew and cared for in irreversible ways. he is very sympathetic to anyone he views as victim to chantry exploitation (extremely broad category) and his preferred method of destruction is violent kindness. he is so nice and empathetic. even when people do not deserve it. if he can make people feel conflicted about being a cunt to him he wins. he will haunt your narrative for the rest of time. this is a threat and a promise. you meet him once you will think about him every day for the next 15 years and maybe THEN you'll have a chance at getting better, but probably not. he has staying power like that.

in what situation was your oc the most afraid they’ve ever been?

absolutely fighting the uldred abomination. there is just so much going on. uldred was one of the senior enchanters that riva didn't particularly like, but he's always been a part of riva's life. irving's life depends on him. in many ways, cullen's life depends on him even though he knows cullen wants him dead (and that hurts in ways he can't even begin to process). wynne, who has also been a staple of his life is depending on him. so many people he knew and cared for are dead, and all his prodigal talent couldn't stop that. he has a scar from getting fully run through in that fight because he was dealing with So Much. everyone assumes it's from the archdemon and he just lets them because he has so many Feelings about that whole thing and honestly he's fine with no one knowing how personal that is to him.

and that is all i will answer for now because i am. afraid of the size of my scrollbar in my peripheral vision. thank u so much for asking again. made my day! <3

[lauranyx]

My Stray Kids Fanmeet Experience

So i saw skz for the first time in real life the other day (jan 202023 to be exact :p) and i wanna write my whole experience so that i can look back at this in the future cuz my memory is shit 😅

It all started last year 2022 around Nov/Dec when bench announced that they'll have a bench x stray kids fanmeet this Jan 2023 (excite excite) so obv i just HAD to get tickets. ITS STRAY KIDS HELLO?

minor detour for some of that extra context lol:

I got into skz mid to late 2021 and ofc it was felix with his deep ass “cooking like a chef” yt short that sucked me in. From then on i just got hooked into their content and just them in general. Really nice to see a grp thats around my age doing something amazing like what theyre doing now.

Anyway! Back to my fan meet xp

So last yr i saw the announcement and got all majorly excited. At first i was thinking of getting VIP tickets. I was actually willing to spend 8k for a fanmeet and a chance to receive a poster from them. But then i saw the lines in bench and i was like,, hell naw! I aint gonna be putting myself through that. Y’all can wait in line for that imma spend my time elsewhere. So i waited for the promo period to get tickets for lower box instead. This was only 4k with a chance for a bye wave opportunity (no physical up close interaction like shaking hands or anything but at least u get to see them closer up). I was totally fine w this since i spend less and since im not going for what majority (who can afford) want, less ppl to deal with/wait in line for.

Now.. i went through s t r u g g l e just to claim my ticket after buying my stuff from bench. Dont really wanna retype everything since ive already shared w my friends so imma just attach screenshots of my rant

(Screenshots here)

Now, after that whole ordeal, is the new year and i honestly forgot there was a raffle. Also can i just say, thank goodness ate girl (for those that dont know ate is filipino for sister that we use even for non relatives.. kinda like noona/unnie) was kind enough to send me my code that night so i was still able to enter my code for the raffle to win a bye wave opportunity. Cuz if not… i wouldnt have seen skz up close😿

Jan 12 day of the bye wave winners announcement: I checked my email around morning and noon; nothing. So i was like ayt, i didnt win. I’ll still get to see skz tho irl w decent seats.

BUT THEN

when i checked my email again in the evening- actually i didnt purposefully check my mail; i just saw the push notif on my phone. Something like “STRAY KIDS WINNER, congratulations!” and I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. Like OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD!! I WON?!?!??? Suuuper ecstatic. Kept squeeling and shit. I could not even.😶😱🤗😵🥴🫠🤪🤪🤪

After i was able to calm down, I immediately let ate girl know if we could meet up earlier so i can get my receipt back so i can have no trouble on the day of the fanmeet when i claim the raffle. She was nice enough to agree and meet up earlier and it was nice that she seemed happy for my win (she also bought lb tix) kinda regretful i didnt try to be friends w her but im shy so whatever. I just want receipt so i can see the bois😛😁😁😁

Cut to day of fan meet. Wait no- actually.. the week of the fanmeet. The monday of that wk is when i met up w ate gurl to get my receipt. Friday was the fanmeet. In between i was tryna decide my outfit (that i dont have a pic of but whatever. i’ll describe it nalang) which ended up being a kinda loose white tank top with a green plaid long sleeve on top then dark grey/black slim jeans. Add in a couple of accessories ( choker, chains, earrings) and we’re good to go. Oh i also had on my hidden high heel highcut black sneakers (or at least i think theyre sneakers; can never remember fashion shtuff)

In case it wasn’t obvious i was fully planning to go on my own since my friends/cousins said they couldnt (busy or broke) so whatever. BUT THEN my friend, day before the fanmeet- night before actually- was like “ hey! Joke lang im actually going to the meet” so i was like “omg yay!” Not like that exactly but yeah. Same sentiments :p

I asked my friend if we could meet up on fri and she said sure. She’ll just be w her friend who got her the ticket.

Now! We can finally cut to the day of the fanmeet. Claiming for raffle winners are from 10am-2pm then theres an orientation @3pm so i went to moa around 12-1230, got my photo cards (chan, leeknow, & hyunjin) and the wristband showing me as a bye wave winner. Went around moa, had lunch in jollibee, waited around in my car for my friend to arrive around 4, 5pm. Ate again in ikea resto then we finally went to the venue.

While lining up we made friends w another stay who gave out some freebies (ngl i forgot her name🥲) she was sweet. I was kinda stupid and decided to split up from my friend (cuz there 2 lines and the one i went to was shorter but my friend didnt follow so 🙃☹️) so i ended lining up alone when i told her that i wanted to meet up so i wouldnt line up alone lol. Anyway, i got inside moa arena went to my seat in lb 221 and got ready for the fanmeet.

The fanmeet started around 7pm (tho gates opened at 5) it wasnt fully packed inside but there were still a LOT of Stay that attended. Tho i think gen ad was fully packed.

Honestly everything happened so fast that if i didnt take videos and didnt see the vids that others have posted online, i woulda forgotten everything but i know i enjoyed every minute of it😁

So first off skz opened w God’s Menu then the host, Sam Oh (who i know of because she used to be on radio and i loved listening to her shows then), introduced them and on the programme went.

The kids played some jenga w missions, whisper challenge, dance replay challange, domino challange, paint a shirt that was raffled out to the audience) call w a fan(that didnt work out cuz of cell service issues) also i didnt quite get that WE had to call the numbers of the phones in front of the skz members so i didnt really try until it was too late. One fan was able to connect tho but it didnt really work out too well. Im glossing over these and might have mentioned them in the wrong order but thats because there are tons of vids out there about these so i won’t go into detail.

At the end of the fan meet skz performed Case 143 and we moved on to the giving out of signed posters THEN my long anticipated bye wave opportunity. So while the poster receivers were getting ready so were the bye wavers. There was an usher of sorts holding a sign for us to recognize and follow to the exit. The staff told us that no pics/vid was allowed😕 sucks but i was planning to sneak a vid if possible. Others also tried im sure of it. I was 15/200 in line. Unfortunately because i was so close to the front and they were ushering us to the stage pretty fast, i couldnt set up my phone to video on time. No matter tho. There was a barrier that was too high for the phone in my front jean pocket to even capture anything so it wouldve failed anyway.

Going up the stage felt so rushed even tho the videos showed that we werent even walking that fast. But it felt so fast that i couldnt even tell you what order the kids were in when i was waving bye to them. Thank god for other Stays tho so imma put their line up here so i can recall my experience better

They were grouped by twos behind some barriers that looked like kiosk stands from left to right (tho we entered right and left the stage left) it went

Chan - Lee Know | Changbin - Hyunjin | Han - Felix | Seungmun - I.N.

We were like 5ft away from them kandhaksbskabxj

Ok so first i saw was IN and i gotta be honest i cant remember the experience 😭😭 id like to say we made brief eye contact but im not sure. I think i saw that he was looking at the ones behind me so i moved my eyes to Seungmin. Again i cant remember anymore so idek what actually happened here

Now Seungmin, bb, i swear we made eye contact and i think i shocked him with my hair cause his eyes widened and mouth opened wider while looking at me aidbsidbdlaj. Context: i have a shaved head. Tho im in the middle of growing it out. My last shave was mid Dec last yr so my hair at this point is about an inch to an inch and a half

Lemme just insert here that i COULD NOT stop smiling

Next was Felix and oh. my. GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!! We made the looongest eye contact ever!!! wodbsisbdb SWEAR!! At least 2 seconds! It was glorious~ And his face was just so beautiful and his smile was angelic and he may not be my bias but he lives rent free mehn. Rent. Free. Period.

Ayt so Han. My bb, my bias. I feel so bad cause i think i got so caught up w looking at felix ( making fucken 2 second eye contact) that i think Han saw me not looking at him so he went on to say bye to the ones behind me already😖😣😔😢😭 tho i did try to catch his eyes but no such luck cause i had to keep moving

Moving on, it was Hyunjin. Very brief, my encounter with him. Again i think i spent too long looking at Felix that it just pushed back the rest to skip over me causing me to miss meeting eyes with the rest. But Hyunjin 👌 also he be the tallest of the grp

Same thing with Changbin tho i really did try my best to look at them whenever they were more or less directly in front of me. The size of this man tho! Batak! So buff 💪 i just wanna feel… all of it👀 in a non sexual way ofc😶 unless? 😏 jk (or am i🤔)

Anyway!

Lee Know is so pretty like wtf . But again he was already looking at those behind me😞 and i had to keep the line moving so.. sad=me Lee Know is my bias wrecker pa naman🫤 i really love his relationship w Han whether its just friends or whatever it is I just love seeing the interactions. (Ngl tho,, the fan edits of minsung that i see Stay post? Mmm is something alright)

Bang fucken Chan DOE! Maybe cuz he’s last idk. But he made it a point to look at me in the eyes😍🥰 made me soo happy~ and his smile! And dimples! My gosh he’s just adorable☺️😊🫠🫠🤭 i just wanna be your friend man. Actually i just wanna be friends with all 8 of them bdkajxhak

Moving on.

After all this we were ushered out of the arena and I decided to loiter a bit outside before i went back to my car. Fangirled like crazy. Then promptly went back to the hotel. I fangirled again when i saw my cousins at the hotel roofdeck cuz i couldnt just keep this in mehn i had to let it out and share my joy.

Later in the night i found out that skz stayed a bit longer to jam w the crowd while Doodle was playing. Kinda jealous but i got to see them up close so im content for now.

The upcoming concert in March tho.. i NEED to get sound check and vip tix. I just gotta💪 heres to me, hopin’ i get the tickets i want🤞🤞

[sereniv]

Just make it until 30 and see how you feel and go from there

30 feels so good

remember all the years where you were just learning colors and words? and then emotions and the concept of good and bad? and then learning more and more, going through puberty still stumbling around, your teens where your consciencness practically really just started-

and then your 20s is practically your teens, where youve had enough experience as a concience human to actually start doing something with it, to actually start beginning your life

your 20s you are still lame and awkward. you still worry about what people think to a point where it affects your life. you still care about trends, and being up to date. you feel like youve been wasting your life when you literally just started figuring things out

and by the time youre 30 its just...

ive seen so many people talk about how good 30 feels it feels like you can finally stop holding your breath

in your 20s and before, it feels tense like so much expectation

but once you reach 30 you are able to understand what actually matters. and it takes such a load off

everyone is different and some people have no option. literally no option. and i support those people. i love them. i understand as an outsider

i always say to wait, that there is always some other option, but for some that option is death.

But before that, wait until you are 30. not on the day, live until 31. And see where your options are and how you feel

and from what ive heard 40 is even better. and 50. and so on

I definitely am in a place of privilege because i am not on hell like some are. and ive been around those people, my mother was one and we all agreed that there was no other option . she wasnt living

i look back and i dont know if i was right. i have more knowledge now. there have long been more opportunities. different platforms new medications

right before she died, when we thought the pills didnt work, she wanted her favorite food and talked about wanting to go to the movies the next day

and that is such a common story

not to get all heavy on a more lighthearted post

but seriously for YOU, wait.

But also know you are not selfish for feeling like theres no other option. you are not selfish. it is selfish of others to only think of their wellbeing in the face of your pain

But know that too many times is there regret, there are people who lived after an attempt and glad they lived

who changed their mind before they fell

If you are already 30, reach 40. not for anyone but for you because you deserve after all the shit you have had to go through, to get some compensation for it.

and that doesnt mean happiness. no one can say for sure if you are going to be a textbook definition of happy

but how different could your life look? what new things can you find joy in and what old things become new under different circumstances

I have heard of terrible situations that people have been in, especially lately. And none of us have any place to keep people here who are not living life simply because we want them to stay

we can not claim to understand exactly how someone feels even in a situation we also have been through

but when you are in that terrible situation, and you feel that the only option is to kill yourself, remember that in any other circumstance, you would choose life

no one aspires to kill themselves. its not some goal people look forward to

This is why if you can, be vocal on how you feel. Be blunt. "I have no option left and i feel i need to kill myself and i need help from anyone to find more options for me"

You have to make sure there is not a hidden option. One no one close to you has thought of but maybe a stranger will

You deserve the chance at a life where you live, not just survive, not just a zombie going through the motions

if we had waited, there would have been more options for my mom.

If i had reached out to more people, maybe my friend wouldn't have gone back to her abusive household

if i had waited those options would become apparent to me.

If you are young, wait until you are 30. If you are 30, wait 10 more years, and so on.

move the goal post, until you cant. And remember that at least I support you. I dont want you to die, but you are not selfish. I am there with you even if we dont know each other

You are not a bad person. You are in pain, you hurt, you are at the worst youve ever experienced. And you deserve a better life, even if that might mean for some people, and end to that life

Again to be clear to anyone who hasnt seen this take before: People dont kill themselves because they want to, they do it because they feel they have to in order to escape trauma.

When i say i support these peoples decision i am not saying it lightly. ALWAYS do whatever you can do for however long you or others can to give this person options and oppurtunities.

But there becomes a point where there is nothing left. its been years, theyve hit their goals, theyve suffered and nothing has changed.

That is when you support them. When they need it the absolute most.

You are not urging them. Not at all. You are holding their hand and showing them that they are not vilified. that they matter so much, that you want whats best for them. And only them

In my experience, this has helped people step away from suicide at least for the time being. Because in the moment they are thinking of what they want to be rid of, but also what other people think of them killing themselves

this is why i am just 1000% against seeing suicide as selfish. it is NOT selfish because its not about YOU

Anyway. Ive been dealing with this my whole life, ive made mistakes and ive helped people. And this is what ive learned in my 31 years of life

you have to stay alive. you're going to be such a beautiful middle aged freak. young freaks will see you in the street and know that things can be okay.

[panzerkatzee]

Good day ya'll!

Its 11:30 and I just completed a small research session on fillipino martial arts and taking extensive notes on how my characters might move in the upcoming combat scenes. Funny enough, I always thought my larp experience would help in writing combat realistically… but oh boy… I WAS SO WRONG… its embarassing.

I am still no real expert, but maybe I can find someone to help with those scenes in particular down the line. For now I did watch some videos and read some instructions online and feel confident to get into the fight scene, I've been hyped for yesterday… but first… warm up time!!

by Electrum Photography

Then and again, he would get a flicker of red eyes, burning brightly with flashes of inert blood magic, his friend no doubt struggling to hold it back, hating crowds as it was. Dan… you are getting an ear full, for dragging her out here, he thought ruefully and picked up his pacing again. A few moments later, she stumbled free from the bodies swaying and squirming with the thrumming beats. "going to try smth new, winky face", had been the last text he received from her before getting on the tube and hot damn… she had. Only her hair was reminiscent of the timid mage, kept straight and falling down onto her shoulders, bangs freshly trimmed to end in a straight line above her brows. To cover her chest Lucille wore only a black pleather bra, the burning church tattooed across he abdomen, was on full display, showing its bell-tower ablaze, right between her breasts. She had paired it off with nothing more than a pair of latex gloves and a matching skirt, making Dan sweat just by looking at it. Clashing with the entire get up, the mad woman had forgone the use of shoes completely.

Not my best work… but after spending so much time on researching, I am a bit anxious to get writing. There is still some catching up with the long-term goal to do… soooo snaps fingers LET'S DO IT!

Okaaay… five hours later… didn't hit the word count… yet. But I am due for a food break, having ordered poké bowl from my fav restaurant.

I really underestimated how far fight scenes were out of my comfortzone… usually I am more for the whole emotional stuff… but as I am writing sci-fi about ppl doing sneaky shit and pissing off powerful other ppl, I don't think I will get away without it…

In the end… I went against the plan I had, and reshuffled my entire story a little bit.. soooo.. that just might turn into something interesting… who knows…

As of now I am at ~1400 words, so very close… aaaand the next scene coming up, will be snugly inside my comfort zone again, hence I am no tooo worried, I won't hit my mark for the day.This wraps up Chapter IV nice and neat~

I do a lot better at starting a chapter than ending it sooo...

But.. to learn from this, I will probably alter the daily warm up challenge a bit… by changing it to stuff I am not quite good at yet..

Maybe a paragraph of a battle scene or dialogue each day? Something like this.

As it stands now, I will wait for my food and write a bit more afterwards…

For now, lets continue with the Playlist, shall we?

Today's song: Faunts - M4 Pt.2

Why is this on my playlist? Those among you with an excellent taste in Video Games, might already know this one. If not by name, then from the Mass Effect I credits, as it is from the Game's OST. To be honest, it doesn't align at all with what I usually listen to, but then that's mostly everything that leads to the release of dopamine in my brain… so I can't claim any consistency there. Being a huuuuge fan of the Mass Effect Trilogy… and my alien waifu Garrus, connecting a very peaceful time in my life with these games… an age of innocence so to speak.. I have feelings about the song as well…

The lyrics just resonate with me… and I kinda always come back to it, when I have a hard time. Its not cheerful or anything.. but it holds this deepfelt wish for someone to heal… and struggling with mental illness, I just need it.

As my novel draws a lot from my personal experiences and how I see the world, this fits the story's playlist quite well… and its Mass Effect related… sooo doubly perfect~

Sooooo I will go wait for food now and play some Mahjong or whatever :D Have a lovely day~

[the-kipsabian]

So. What I think about you. It’ll take some telling to get there. Might get a bit sappy but here goes nothing.

So I’m a pretty new fan of wrestling, less than a year of proper watching still. It was a bit of a spontaneous thing, a friend made watching another sport would post things, and eventually I decided to take a peek and see what all the fuss was about. And in the end, I really enjoyed what I saw. I could get into that, but it’s not exactly important to where I’m going with this.

I don’t remember exactly when I first saw Kip. It was after his feud with OC, but still close to new years. And I thought, geez this guy is neat. Had no idea what was going on with any of his past work, I just liked the way he moved, I guess. So I thought, let me dig a little deeper into this. Eventually I ended up at your blog, and let me tell you, you were a hell of a resource to this baby fan. I’ve always been a bit nervous about following new people (had some bad experiences in the past I’m not eager to repeat) so I think I sort of lurked a while before I actually hit that follow, probably by accident honestly.

So then was Kip and Penny’s trip to Japan, and this is where I got introduced to Chris Brookes, who I’m not sure I even have words for how fond I am of him now. So I very much attribute that to you, and I’m pretty thankful for the introduction to an absolute bastard giraffe man who I adore.

Eventually I got a bit more settled into my new interest, started posting a bit on tumblr, reblogging gifs and the like. And then, just like how I got into wrestling, another fairly distant mutual joked about being interested in what they were seeing. So we talked a bit, I recommended some of what got me interested, and I think in the end that got me a new friend. In a way, I can wrap that back around to you, too.

I see that you struggle a lot. Sometimes it’s with writing, or art. You still make cool things, and I’m pretty awed by that. I’m looking forward to what you’ll make next. I doodled a rabbit on the back of a shopping list today, for the first time in months. It felt like a little victory. I wonder sometimes if your writing, your art, feels like that too. I’ll still celebrate it as if it is.

I’m not really sure how to end this. I guess I just want to say, we aren’t exactly friends, or at least, I don’t feel I can claim that we are right now. But I do think about you, and root for you. And in myriad little ways, you’ve changed my life. That feels a little strange to write, but it’s not untrue. I suppose no one can really know what impact we have on anyone else. At any rate, I hope you’re doing well, I saw you were sick this week.

-🐓

first of all: CHICKEN ANON YOURE BACK HELLO!! its been a while i hope youre doing well! 💜

legit when i read this first thing in the morning, i fucking cried. just.. theres a lot to unpack here, i try not to ramble but this. something like this is literally why ive been keeping on posting everything i do despite occasionally feeling like theres no point to sharing anything. ive always been telling myself that i first do it for myself, and then share it in case theres someone somewhere down the line that might be looking for this content later

and to hear that there is even one (1) person literally like this out there, using my blog and the content i put out to familiarize themselves with my blorbo, im... like oh my god 💜💜

im really glad it has helped you make friends too 💜 and while i dont know who you are, i would consider us friends no matter what tho, especially after hearing this. so glad things like this have helped you to get more into the community, thats amazing! and to touch up on the art thing, yeah its hard at times to pick things up again after a long while of not doing anything - i literally wrote a drabble last night after not writing anything for a week and i havent even seen my drawing tablet in like two months now lmao - but im so happy to hear about your grocery list rabbit!! little doodles here and there are definitely better than nothing, especially if you enjoy doing them!

youre so precious anon, i hope youre having a good day. im still slightly sick, getting better now thankfully so i should be fully operational the next few days and oooooh when that happens its all over you fuckers when i get back to writing (this is affectionate i swear LMAO)

thank you, i love you 💜

[dalleyan]

Elfwine Chronicles (new LoTR stories, Adventures of Theodred, Son of Eomer, ch 4 posted, 5-6-23)

Theodred's adventures as he travels with Freahelm, trying to find a direction for his life.  (Adventure, Drama, Angst, Romance, Family, Humor) (19 chapter story)

 Chapter 4  -  (August-September, 43 IV)

“Well, it is about time you came home, sister!”  Fritha smiled disarmingly.

Kata narrowed her eyes in mild annoyance.  “About time? I have only been gone two days, and you knew where I was.  What is two days of visiting a friend in Lake-town?”

She returned to unpacking her bag as Fritha moved away from the door and pushed it closed, then took a seat, lolling across her sister’s bed.  With feigned casualness, she explained, “Not unusual, such a visit, but as it happens, we have our own guests here.”

Kata didn’t look up as she put clothes away, murmuring with only slight interest, “Guests?  Who has come?”

“That young man from the south.  Oh, what was his name?  Theodred, I think it was...” Fritha teased, and was rewarded with her sister freezing in place.

It took several moments before Kata could squeak out, “Theodred is here?”

“Yes.  They arrived yesterday afternoon.  He wondered where you were...”

Kata whirled around and eyed her sister closely.  “Do not torment me, Fritha.”

Her sister smiled, relenting.  “Well, he did ask about you, but I cannot honestly claim it was more than curiosity. Still, he is here.  You can stop dreaming of him and work on gaining his favor!”

Kata made a face, retorting, “And I suppose it matters not at all to you that his handsome friend has come also?  You, of course, have no interest in gaining his favor?”

Fritha shrugged.  “I have never made a secret of my interest.  You seem to think no one can tell how much you like Theodred. The truth is, I think he may be the only one who has not noticed.”

With a sigh, Kata plunked down next to her sister and picked up her hairbrush, restlessly turning it over in her hands.  “I know. He is charming and pleasant, but I do not believe he thinks of me as anything more than a friend.”  With hurt in her eyes, she asked, “What am I to do? I am very much taken with him, Fritha.”

Her sister sat up and gave her a hug, pressing a kiss to her temple.  “Do not give up yet, Kata.  Give him time to come around.  After all, you have not known him very long.  All told, you have spent less than a fortnight in his company, and that spread over nearly five years time.  Perhaps he is just so intrigued by his traveling that he is not giving serious thought to women just now.”

xxxxx

By dinnertime, Kata was clumsy with nerves at the prospect of seeing Theodred again.  Fritha had explained about their arrival, their father inviting them to supper the previous evening and then insisting that they stay at the palace rather than an inn for the duration of their visit. They had felt obligated to the innkeeper to remain there the one night, but they would be transferring their belongings over later this afternoon.

They had spent the morning out riding with Gird, who was showing them the area, somewhat under duress from his father.  Gird was not entirely certain he approved of these southerners, or the designs they seemed to have on certain ladies of Dale.  He could not deny that both were quite affable, but he would not tolerate them callously dallying with his sisters.  He knew Fritha well enough to realize that her interest in Freahelm was not serious.  He was new and different, but the fact remained that the man was a soldier.  His sister liked to live well, and was not likely to desire the sort of life a soldier could provide.

Kata, on the other hand, was clearly smitten with the son of Rohan’s king.  He had watched the two closely at Minas Tirith, but it had not appeared that the man took any serious notice of Kata, though he was unfailingly charming and polite to her.  Gird was uncertain how to react to that.  Kata was yet young, and very much inexperienced when it came to dealings with men, but still he did not wish for her to be hurt.  If this Theodred thought to toy with her heart and then simply walk away, he would find himself answering to Kata’s brother!

 continue reading on AO3:

              https://archiveofourown.org/works/46771651/chapters/118402117

[qingzhouxi]

Introspect: The Culmination and Evaluation of One's Self-Perception (Part 4)

Blog Post #4 Preliminary Drafting: March 26, 2023 Blog Draft Created: March 26, 2023 Blog Posted: March 27, 2023

iii. Stage 3: Initiative vs Guilt

The third stage deals with the social interactions a child engages himself in during his childhood and so problems in this stage causes a child to form distorted views of social connections and may therefore become wary of forming connections with other children. It must be noted my friend's childhood memories always revolved around his family and not with his non-familial friends, which suggests that he only stayed within his family and barely interacted with other people, if at all, effectively making any interaction outside his family foreign to him. In the case of Kyu, he mostly leaned onto the initiative side but due to his previous conflict regarding shame and doubt, there is an inevitable formation of guilt. According to Cherry (2023), if the child forms guilt during this stage, the tendency is that they will avoid new things fearing that they might do something wrong. In hindsight, this may have contributed to Kyu's wariness of letting me into his life, as having me constantly present is an entirely new concept to him considering I am the first close friend he formed a relationship with online instead of in real life and the only non-familial friend who is older than him.

iv. Stage 4: Industry vs Inferiority

Before I proceed to the content of this portion, please bear in mind that my friend's psychosocial development is delayed as a result of his prolonged Stage 2 and as such, the timeframe I will mention is not the common timeframe in which this stage should have taken place. Stage 4 is when the child begins to form his desire for social acceptance and as such, problems here may lead to a child having problems perceiving their correct status relative to others. Since my friend did have a predisposition to having low self-esteem and nothing was done to directly resolve that problem, his self-esteem was kept low, especially since he does not like being underweight and has a short memory span. This was further exacerbated by his lethargic nature, which may lead to people sometimes perceiving him as lazy, possibly causing a further drop in his self-esteem. Thus, he ended up leaning onto inferiority, as demonstrated paradoxically when he opened up to me that he once had a period during his 9th grade when he had a superiority complex. Holland (2019) claimed that this is most likely the mind's compensation for having perceived inferiority compared to others, further solidifying that Kyu leaned onto the inferiority side more during this period. Thankfully, this superiority complex is already resolved and has been removed from his personality at this point in time.

v. Stage 5: Identity vs Confusion

The conflict present in this stage has to do with the journey to find the true self of a person and therefore, if a person fails to find his true identity, it leads a confusion about his role. Normally, this journey spans the entire high school life of a person (7th grade to 12th grade) but since Kyu experienced a delay, he is only experiencing this journey starting from 11th grade and is currently in this stage. It is indeed good that his identity is slowly falling into place manifested by his formation of life principles and values, namely: fun, reciprocity, and appreciation. My friend's positive traits may also be interpreted as his values: creativity, patience, and detail-oriented. As one of his closest friends, I have done and am doing what I can in order to ensure that he will end this stage while leaning onto the identity side so that he can start the succeeding stages with a positive outlook.

vi. Future Stages (Stages 6-8)

I am honestly interested in how he would develop in the future and while I am always going to be by his side, it is ultimately on him to change his future for the better. Should he end the fifth stage leaning onto the identity side, I think he is basically set on having a brighter future, a future hopefully with me in it.

Click This to Read Part 5