#it makes me heart hurt
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Also a thing no one asked for, but if we are talking about raw KingTumu lines that I can't stop thinking about, another is:
"The cruelty of others is of no fault of your own."
#King cried at that#it was REALLY early on in their relationship#i think they had only been together for a week or two#they got chased out of their tent and stoned#and King was SO upset#upset because he knows they were attacked by humans because he is a Gorgon#upset because he knows that just his existence - Atumu travelling with him - is endangering Atumu#upset because why cant the humans just let them LIVE???#and Atumu says this because he can see that King is really upset#but he doesn't know that King is not human yet at this point and he doesn't know how hard that comment hits#also Atumu is SO kind to King - so much kinder than King had ever experienced with any human#they barely speak but they are so good to each other#it makes me heart hurt#KingTumu#also King was crushed by this comment cuz he DOES feel responsible for endangering Atumu#he does sometimes wonder if Atumu would be better off without him#but he also knows...or has some small idea of the abuses Atumu has faced from other human Masters#he knows too well the cruelty of humans...and he wants Atumu safe from that life#this beautiful man#this beautiful somehow non-human man...King doesn't know what Atumu is but he knows there is something supernatural about him#atumu turned out to be such a treasure of a find#King was not looking to make such a purchase in the market...#a life companion...#my hearttttt#they are so good to each other
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Just thinking about s4 but when Alpha!Eddie grabs Steve to shove the bottle against his neck, he doesn't realize Steve is an omega and accidentally scruffs him. And Steve is just boneless, kinda goes down. And Eddie isn't expecting deadweight and almost falls ontop of Steve but realizes what's happening (let's just say he's fought off a few bullies who scruffed members of his pack). He immediately drops the bottle and holds onto Steve, who tries to scent Eddie. Just shoves his face into Eddie's neck and nuzzles it, lets out a purr unintentionally.
#Obviously from then on it would be different because Eddie's inner alpha would be like I GOTTA PROTECT THIS SELFSACRIFICING IDIOT#And Steve is just like wow Eddie can manhandle him?? He's so strong!! Eddie stole a van??? He's such a provider!!#Steve still has the 6 nuggets convo with Nancy and Eddie overhears still and is like trying to calculate how many names he can come up with#Eddie throwing his vest so Steve will be covered in his scent cause Nancy is also an alpha and no thank you look at ME Steve#Steve has those cartoon hearts floating around his head and is batting his eyes watching Eddie mess around with Dustin#Oh I could go on#When Steve gets scruffed and starts purring Robin is just standing there like 🧍♀️#Robin turns every once in awhile while the two are flirting and looks at an imaginary camera with a ARE YOU SEEING THIS look#Anyways when Vecna gets defeated and torn to smithereens and the upside down starts to close permanently#And Eddie recovers in the hospital (still got hurt) Steve is very territorial and sits by his side the entire time#Wayne walks in and pulls a Robin just goes 🧍♀️ and walks back out for a moment#Wayne is like who is the omega (as if he doesn't know he just wants to see Eddie's response and make him sweat)#And Steve is all indignant like I am your future son in law the future mother of your grandkids#And Eddie is blushing and twirling his hair and biting his lip he's 3 seconds away from asking to bite his mating gland#Oh I could still go on but...I shant...(I will later)#Steddie#Steve Harrington x Eddie Munson#Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson#omega!steve harrington#alpha!eddie munson#eddie munson/steve harrington#eddie munson x steve harrington#Omegaverse#Jade is talking
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(nature au) you said that while dale dislikes dev using a cane in the house he doesn’t really care too much, but what if dev used a cane in public? i can’t imagine dale would be okay with that at all. he’d be pissed, like confiscate the cane kind of pissed
Originally the gag here was just going to be Dev clinging onto his dads arm for dear life while he shivers like a chihuahua but he is just. So small.. I couldnt get it to look reasonable
Bonus:
#The horror of putting Dev in a situation where he would 100% be wearing his sunglasses#Like NOOO the perfectly construction expression of horror I was going to give him#fop nature au#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#fop dev#dev dimmadome#dale dimmadome#fop dale#fop peri#art#digital art#fanart#I cant tell if I got the tone right with this one#Theres a very careful balance I try to strike with comedy vs horror and Im not sure if I got it#I also try to keep a sort of balance when depicting characters that are just straight up awful#I dont like depicting characters as cartoonishly evil but I also dont want to make him seem overly sympathetic#or like he's 'deep down a good person' because he's straight up not#He's awful and selfish. What he's done to his son makes him deeply uncomfortable with himself#but that discomfort means absolutely nothing when he refuses to change or become a better person#and he does refuse to change. changing is hard#he still keeps hurting Dev at every turn and maybe to tries to justify it to himself as being for Devs own good#but regardless he is still refusing to listen to him and hurting him even more in the process#idk im rambling#I like to keep the abuse balanced out with these nothing little concessions on Dales part#tbh even this concession didnt come from the good of his heart he just wanted to avoid making a scene#also because the visual of Dale deciding CARRYING him everywhere is better than just letting him have his cane is very funny to me
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they love each other so much. i feel so sick. guys they love each other SO much what the hell
#this entire scene makes me sick to my stomach#they're both so precious to me. their love for each other is so palpable#they're each other's everything#my heart hurts. i love them. i love them so much#twinyards#andrew minyard#aaron minyard#minyard twins#all for the game#aftg
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#cecilsweep and Welcome to Night Vale trending #1 in 2023
#welcome to night vale#wtnv#ive said it before but people not knowing wtnv makes me feel old#i remember the days before cecil had a canonical last name#so tumblr just gave him the jonathan sims treatment#aka called him cecil baldwin (the voice actor's name)#wtnv will always have a special place in my heart as my first fiction podcast#cecil palmer#cecilsweep#oh to be young and queer and stumble upon a funky little gay podcast about a horiffic and absurd little town#yes i am just reusing my tags from my last post#added a description#glad yall are enjoying my shitty meme#i made it while half-awake and unable to sleep because my tummy hurt :(#follow me for more shitty podcast memes#im currently going feral for malevolent#important note: girlies is gender neutral#tumblr sexyman poll
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I thought I was done talking about Style in THK's episode 2, but jokes on me, no I'm not.
I keep thinking about Style and Bison's first interaction and how pure and sweet it was. In the middle of the mess that is this 4-way whirlwind of lies and deception, it felt like a refreshingly honest conversation between two people who are only accidentally lying to each other.
Style seems incredibly earnest when he tells Bison that Kant is "down bad" for him. It doesn't feel like Style is 'wingmanning' Kant here; or if he is, it isn't meant to be malicious or to mislead Bison. It feels like someone being friendly with his bff's crush and hoping that they can get along because he thinks this one's going to stick around.
Similarly, when Bison tells Style to go for Fadel for real, it feels very honest and earnest. Setting aside whatever games Bison is playing with Kant, Bison seems to genuinely want someone for his big brother, and not just so he can date who he wants or as a distraction.
It's also interesting how Style's protest is that he can't see himself actually gaining feelings for Fadel because in a way there's nothing to recommend Fadel to Style at this point. As far as Style is concerned, Fadel is arrogant and condescending, rude and ungrateful (after all, he did replace a bunch of parts in Fadel's car for free), a stick in the mud about his brother dating, and can't seem to take a joke.
We see the polite, pleasant and reasonable Fadel, but Style doesn't.
Which is why I've been obsessing over Style's expressions immediately after the conversation with Bison. Bison's parting insight is "He's rough on the outside, and on the inside," and I think he accidentally piqued Style's curiosity with that line. Because why does Bison still want his brother to have a "real" relationship, then? What makes Fadel worth loving, despite (what Style thinks is) nothing to recommend him?
Ugh I wish I knew how to make gifs because BLESS @airenyah FOR MAKING THESE GIFS!!! Dunk goes through a whole sequence of expressions here that suggests a shift happens in the way he's thinking of Fadel. There's a pensive and thoughtful look and then almost like, "Oh what the hell, might as well see where this goes" kind of amusement at the end. And I think the reason he has this shift is because he's realised that Bison clearly loves his brother and that must mean that there's more to Fadel then his initial impression of the man.
It's interesting that his next attempt at messing with Fadel actually invites Fadel to play along with it. It's so much tamer and more private than the previous attempts because he isn't actively trying to humiliate Fadel this time. And it works?? Fadel engages in the roleplay, indulges Style's ridiculousness, actually chops faster (whilst the most hysterical series of minute expressions play over Fadel's face <3). Perhaps this was Style testing the waters: can Fadel engage with something playful and not take everything way too seriously? Huh, turns out, he can!
The next time Style shows up around Fadel, he's circled back to that playful over-the-top flirting that characterised the garage scene. This is the first time in this episode that Style is actually flirting. Every other time was just to frustrate/humiliate Fadel but notice how he's actively trying to look attractive to Fadel now? He's putting all his best (ahem) assets on display, and poor Fadel has no real protection against this. And, oh, Style is loving this! He's gleefully lapping up every single time Fadel fails to completely hide that he's affected by him.
This, though. THIS precisely is the point I think Style decides that he really does want Fadel for himself. There's so much playing out over Style's face: the determination to push things further, the delighted surprise to see Fadel so rattled, the razor sharp focus, and then desire. Style has finally broken through Fadel's "roughness" and he loves it.
If that uncle hadn't walked in, I'm convinced Fadel would have let Style do anything he wanted, and I think Style knew that.
It's the first time Style immediately chases after Fadel when he walks away from him, and he's absolutely delighted when Fadel all but chokes him against the lockers because that means he still has Fadel within reach.
The whole conversation about "love at first sight" is breathtaking because it feels like Style is discovering what's going to make Fadel crack as he says it and realising just how much he wants this. And no, I don't think he's in love with Fadel yet (not by a LONG shot), but I think he realises that he wants Fadel to fall in love with him. This is such a shift from what he expressed in the diner to Bison. In the diner, there was no hope, no chance for this.
The kisses catch Style by surprise too: you can see that he's just reacting, pushing to see where Fadel will finally draw the line. Because Fadel kisses back in the first kiss and actually fails to push Style away for quite some time in the 2nd kiss (the camera purposely lingers on the way Fadel's hands hover over Style's waist without shoving him back). The third kiss is the point Fadel finally starts fighting, and in the immidate aftermath you can see Style watching so carefully again. And Fadel nearly kisses him again, you see the way Fadel's eyes drop to Style's lips, the way they both freeze and linger in the moment for that one second. The way Style registers that moment and it leaves Style shaken himself.
It's so interesting that this is how we leave Style in this episode (we only see Fadel's fantasy version of Style after this point). I've got two possible interpretations for this line:
Style possibly catches on that Fadel is more dangerous than he seems. Maybe just from vibes, maybe from something in the way Fadel threatened him that kicks off some kind of fearful instinct. This could be what makes Style start questioning if Kant told him the full story and lead to whatever scene it is where Style demands answers in the episode 3 preview.
Alternatively, perhaps Fadel is starting to become real to Style in ways he wasn't before. Fadel was almost a caricature of a man, one which Style didn't like very much before, and that made it easier to fool around with him. But this? This almost tortured man who clearly wants Style but can't seem to give into that desire? Something is going on and Style isn't sure it's worth the game to either of them anymore. Because maybe Style recognises that he's more affected than he should be. And that has implications that Style was not ready for.
#this is also secretly an appreciation post for Dunk's fucking stellar acting in this episode because taking all these screenshots really#made me aware of how quickly Style shifts through expressions but also how CLEAR they are??#Style is SO expressive - and not just in his eyes or lips; but the way he moves and tilts his head and body#and then there's the use of tone and inflection; the way Dunk DELIVERS his lines that communicates what Style is thinking/feeling too#there's SO MUCH going on in every single scene it makes my brain whirl when I try to parse it#and tbh I already noticed Dunk doing this in SIMM - esp in regard to using his VOICE to convey emotions the way#Dao had a lot of hurt and anger that would bleed through in crucial moments and Dunk was already very good at that#but I'm really loving how much of that is evident because Style is a much more expressive character with very high energy/intensity#and it allows Dunk to really flex and show that skill off <3#the heart killers#the heart killers the series#style sattawat#fadel#fadelstyle#dunk natachai#joong archen#joongdunk#rambles about shows i'm watching#thk meta#<my posts>
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just confess it, just leave me far behind. what's so hard about this? you heartless person.
Hurt Me Please - Joong Archen
#the heart killers#the heart killers the series#first kanaphan#khaotung thanawat#firstkhao#firstkhaotung#gmmtv series#gmmtv bl#thai bl#mlm#thkedit#th: the heart killers#bibi gifs#i lied i had more things to post#but see#i did it for fast love it felt only fair to do it dor hurt me please too right?#consistency#we value this in this blog (we really don't)#all of these make me yearn and hurt and feel happy at the same time#anyway i'm probably actually done now#i'll go through my tag later today too
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God, I'm (yet again) exhausted. What a show. I will say, flaws and all, it's still one of the best animated series I've watched. Ever. No, I don't think it deserves the vitriol it's getting on social media.
I have a LOT of emotions right now. I don't think I'm even thinking straight after watching through everything once. It definitely needs to be re-watched multiple times. No, I'm not offering any kind of insights or anything like that. I think I'm just too emotional seeing my favorite show end.
I really wanna thank the writers, directors, artists, animators, producers, and everyone else who worked on this show for this work of art. It was beautiful, and it's why I love making gifs of this show.
And just because this show has ended, doesn't mean I'll stop making things. There's two whole seasons to work with now. I hope I can have enough free time to post regularly. I still need to make some 8k wallpapers and a ton of gifs haha.
I'll take a break and sleep for now. I'll see what I can make when I wake up tomorrow. I have so many things I want to do, but I also feel like crap and I too, have a life LMAO.
Oh, and I'm still looking forward to the next stories that they tell us! Runeterra truly has amazing lore. Excited to see what's next!
Thank you for all the likes, reblogs, and support you guys give to my lil sideblog! I appreciate you guys so much <3
#personal tag#its arcane.... not everything will be happy fr but gah my heart hurts#ive also allowed replies for now in all gifsets and posts but piss me off and i will block you and close it again#i havent rlly processed everything bc ive been making gifs#but yeah im in fuckin shambles idk what to feel honestly#it rlly hurts to see ppl totally shit on the show you love but i suppose its a sign not to look at social media in general#criticisms are fine but some of them take it a bit too far#the first season was so good (and most ppl watched it with 0 expectations in mind) that the second season had too much to live up to#for what it's worth i still very much enjoyed it even with a few gripes#my grade is like 9.5/10 for s2 while s1 gets like a 11/10 haha#i have a feeling that when i rewatch the show i’ll appreciate it more since im less emotional haha the score will prolly go higher#thank you to everyone who was a part of this show <3#anyways its 2am goodnight my goal for the next coming days is a gifset or two a day#thank you everyone ily <3
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Well, then don't you like me just a little?
The Heart Killers' Closet | Episode 3
#the heart killers#the heart killers the series#fadelstyle#joongdunk#joong archen#dunk natachai#thai bl#bl series#thai series#mambo.gifs#userrlana#esmetracks#userbon#i know i just got here but#i'd protect them with my life#i wasn't expecting to like them as much as i do#but now the next episodes will make me nervous#the betrayal is going to hurt so bad
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Somewhere in the woods, a moth tires of seeking light
#gempearl#shinyduo#shiny duo#not meant to be shipping propaganda for the poll but I mean... feel free to take it as such!!#the solitary plants feel out of place and maybe the color gradients could be better but its fineeeeeee. Not my proudest background...#also haha get it. Moth tires of seeking light. There's light all around her but its symbolic you guys#vaguely inspired by an estonian song. Some of the lyrics:#Luck pat her little girl’s head and repeated that beautiful is everything that there is#The girl then smiled and that was enough for her heart to understand where the sun lay#one of my favorite songs ever. Very beautiful and Id love to make an animatic or smth for it but the lyrics get a bit too specific :(#Shame that its in estonian and probably offputting to a lot of people too but.... õnn ja arm by mari pokinen.......#hermitshipping#commission#centaur cuddles tee hee <3#horses etc cant actually twist their bodies that much without it hurting them I think. But please suspend your disbelief for me pleasee#tubby art
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First post for the Slay the Princess fandom
Take my design for the Voice of the Cold while I figure out how to design the rest of them
(Spoilers for the Pristine Cut update below the cut and in tags)
Happily Ever After drawn on paper
#character art#slay the princess#voice of the cold#stp the damsel#stp princess#stppristinecut#happily ever after#pristinecut#voice of the smitten#eughhhhh damsel no one can make me hate you….#my heart…#ewuwuwuweuhh..#the update surprisingly didn’t make me hate smitten#it gives more depth to him as a character/voice#and I really appreciate it#black tabby games#he’s just a guy who is head over heals for his princess….#and didn’t realise what he was doing was hurting her….#he feels so deeply…. euuuuwu..
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[ cw: death mention / strangulation mention / stabbing mention / blood mention / self-sacrifice / codependency mention in tags / ]
I think a lot about how common it is for Raph to be the one to have direct focus put on him when Leo gets into all his near death experiences.
Like, when Leo is thrown off a building, it’s Raph who’s right there jumping after him, not even thinking about the consequences to himself when he does. When Leo almost gets skewered by the Krang, Raph’s right there to take the blow and send Leo to safety without a second thought. When Leo’s being strangled to near death, it’s a Krangified Raph doing the job, doing exactly what Raph would never, ever want to do. When Leo is telling Casey Jr to close the portal, it’s Raph who tries desperately to convince Leo otherwise.
Likewise, Leo is consistently very single minded when Raph gets forcibly separated from them. Both when in the sewers and by the Krang, Leo is dead set on finding Raph first and foremost.
I also think it’s interesting that during each of Leo’s near death experiences, the lightheartedness of his words during them goes directly hand in hand with both how close Raph is to him physically and how much danger Raph is also in in that moment. From a literal “I told you so” as Leo’s falling away from Raph to a soft joke about how “hero moves” are Raph’s style - both of these are on the more morbidly carefree side and both of these notably take Leo farther away from Raph and, in turn, have Raph not in immediate danger.
On the other side of things is the apology from Leo, heedless of the danger he himself is in as he seriously and genuinely speaks to a Krangified Raph face to face. Then there’s Leo’s freezing and desperation as Raph takes a hit meant for him and sends just Leo to safety, leaving Raph himself behind. Both of these involve much closer proximity and Raph being directly harmed - these together make Leo much more vulnerable in his words and actions, something not even the threat of death can make him.
These two care about each other so much, and they’re way too much alike for their own good.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt raph#rise raph#rottmnt leo#rise leo#honorable mention to the time Leo desperately tried throwing himself into harm’s way to get to Karai#and Raph is the one who has to pull him back#I also think that it’s interesting how both of them go about self sacrifice#because wow they both have problems with it#Raph’s tends to be immediate reactions not even thinking as he throws himself over his bros#Leo’s are often shown to be ‘for the greater good’ (said greater good often being his family)#once again I am saying that post movie these two would likely have codependency issues#considering Raph’s already present acute seperation anxiety and Leo’s immediate memory of Raph standing over him bleeding#another thing to mention is how Future Leo’s actual death still falls into the whole ‘morbidly lighthearted words’ category#I also wanna point out that in Many Unhappy Returns the trust that Leo wants so much does NOT come from Splinter but from RAPH#side note but in regard to the fighting that Raph and Leo were up to during the time between the shredder and the krang#I think it’s interesting that it’s NOT depicted as screaming matches - very blatantly not this actually#also also! I totally love how the movie parallels Oroku Saki and Karai with Raph and Leo respectively#there are so many parallels in general in this show+movie it makes me froth at the mouth#and because it breaks my heart - the beginning of the movie had Raph getting angry at Leo and lashing out at him#the end of the movie has the Krang very very angry at Leo and lashing out at him#both of these times has Leo ‘ruining’ a mission so…bad parallels#in the movie as well there’s a Krangified Raph who beats Leo senseless#so I have to wonder if Raph and Leo just…can’t roughhouse anymore#else Leo would flinch or Raph would be so scared to accidentally hurt Leo like he was already used to do before#then suddenly their usual dynamic of Raph never having to be softer with Leo is thrown on its head#worse is if they’re so terrified of this dynamic leaving that they power through their own sufferings to maintain it
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Maybe I'm a masochist, a sadist, or both, but I have to say it... we were robbed of a real reaction shot of Charles hearing Edwin screaming from Esther's device.
The one time it cuts back to Charles struggling, Edwin has temporarily stopped screaming. Then the girls show up and keep Esther busy, so he's not screaming for a significant amount of time. Charles is getting his bag and picking the lock during that time. When Esther restarts the device again at a higher level, Charles is dropping down into the snake pit.
We never actually see Charles hearing him even though he definitely could. Niko and Crystal could hear his screams from outside.
If they were going to emphasize that Charles was completely helpless and unable to do anything to rescue Edwin, and then make us listen to his agony, the least they could've done was give us that reaction as compensation for the devastation they unleashed on us.
(ko-fi)
#does this make me a masochist?#cause it would hurt my heart?#does this make me a sadist?#cause i want to see them suffer?#who the hell even knows#but if you're going to make protectiveness one of the main qualities of their relationship#you gotta go all in on how destroying it is for one to see or hear the other in pain#their name is payneland for a reason#they gotta live up to it lmfao#when their partner being in pain hurts them more than their own injuries do#you know it's the good shit#dead boy detectives#rambles: dead boy detectives#the case of the hungry snake#charles rowland#jayden revri#payneland
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Hi! I hope this is okay but I would love to hear more of ur thoughts about the Yunmeng siblings because they are important to me and your tummy hurt comic hasn't left my brain as just,,, such good immediate characterization! ^^ Thanks!
I have too many thoughts on the Yunmeng siblings to fit into a succinct post, but I can offer you a Jiang Yanli addendum to the tummy hurt alignment.
#ask#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#jiang yanli#They way I analyze characters is in two layers - the first is how these characters act as literary devices#(i.e. their relationship to the protagonist and themes of the story)#And the second is who they are as independent characters.#Which means I have extensive thoughts on JC and JYL on a scene to scene basis as well as overall thoughts.#The tummy hurt comic was always about the different ways we process grief#and Jiang Yanli's role as the 'comforting older sister figure' despite the hurt she carries in her heart truly fascinates me.#I can relate in the sense I find it easier to care for others than care for my own grief.#But that grief caught me eventually. And it was ugly and raw.#JYL is grief in rose tinted glasses (minimized). JC is the messy chaos of grief when raw and exposed. Clever move to make them siblings!
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One thing that I feel is really interesting and often forgotten about Essek is that fundamentally, his characterization has been from the start based upon his desperation for external perspectives and connection, which, along with much of his narrative and mechanical positioning, means that he actually has an extraordinary and almost (but not actually, as I'll show) counterintuitive capacity for both growth and trust.
(Buckle in. This is a long one.)
In particular, I would argue, knowing now that many places where the plot touches Ludinus have long been marked for connecting back into the current plot, that he was quite possibly built as a prime candidate for radicalization by the Ruby Vanguard. He felt isolated from his culture, he was desperate for other connection, and he was certainly of the type to believe he was too smart to be drawn into such a thing, given his initial belief that he could control the situation and the fallout. If things had gone any other way, he easily could've been on the other side by now.
As such, he has been hallmarked by being fairly open to suggestion, perhaps for this reason, but the thing about that kind of trait is that it is both how people are radicalized and deradicalized. This is certainly true of Essek, who experienced genuine kindness and quite frankly strangeness from the Nein and was able to move from the isolation the Assembly had engendered to meaningful and genuine connection, largely propelled by his own internal reflection. By the time Nein are aware of his crimes, he's already begun to express regret to an extent and, furthermore, doubt in the Assembly, including explicitly drawing a line against Ludinus, even in a position where he was on his own and probably quite vulnerable.
Similarly, when the Nein reach the Vurmas Outpost some weeks later, he has moved from regret for the position he's ended up carrying a heavy remorse. This makes sense! He's fairly introspective, seems used to spending a lot of time in his own head, and was left with plenty to mull over. It's not some kind of retcon for him to have progressed well past where the Nein left him; it just means he's an active participant in the world who has done his own work in the meantime.
This is another interesting aspect to him. I've talked about this a bit before but I cannot find the post so I'll recap here: antagonists in D&D have significantly more agency than allied NPCs. Antagonists are active forces, against which the party is meant to struggle; allies are meant to support the PCs, which means they tend to be more passive in both their actions and their character growth. Essek was both built as an antagonist, in a position that gives him significant agency, and also was then given significant opportunity to grow specifically to act as a narrative mirror for Caleb's arc. Even when he becomes a more traditional D&D ally, he still retains much of that, though he occupies a supporting role.
I believe that this is especially true because of the nature of Caleb's arc, which I've already written on; the tl;dr of this post is that Caleb is both convinced that he is permanently ruined and also desperate to prove that change is possible. Essek is that proof, because he is simply the character in a position to do so. But this also means that his propensity for introspection and openness is accentuated! He has to do the legwork on his own, for the most part, because that's where he is in the meantime.
But he still ends the campaign necessarily constricted; he is under significant scrutiny, he's at risk from the Assembly, and he goes on the run fairly soon after the story ends. He spends most of the final arc anxious and paranoid, which is valid given the crushing reality of his situation. It would be very easy to extrapolate that seven years into this reality, he would be insular, closed off, and suspicious of strangers, even in spite of the lessons he's learned from the Nein and their long term exposure.
So seeing his openness and lightness now is surprising, but at the same time, given this combination of factors in his position in the narrative over time and his defining traits, it's not by any means unreasonable.
But one thing that I found so delightful is how much trust he exhibits, which is obviously a wild thing to say about Essek in particular, given much of what he learns is both earning and offering trust, which was something he says explicitly in 2x124 that he's never really experienced: "I've never really been trusted and so I did not trust." It makes up much of the progression of his relationship with Caleb, and the trust that he is offered by the Nein in walking off the ship is the impetus he needs to grow.
But I think it's easy to talk about trust when it comes to people who have proven themselves to you or to whom you've ingratiated yourself, and that's really the most we can say about Essek by the time he leaves the Blooming Grove. There is this sense in a lot of discussion of trust (not solely in this fandom) that it is only related to either naivete or love, but there's far more to it. Trust at its best is deliberate—cultivating an openness to the world at large is a great way to combat cynicism and beget connection instead. It allows a person to maintain curiosity and be open to experience, but it can be incredibly difficult to hold onto.
It is clear that the Essek we meet now is a very pointedly and intentionally trusting individual. He trusts Caleb and by extension Caleb's trust in Keyleth, as he shows up and picks up a group of strangers from a foreign military encampment and walks in without issue. He trusts the Hells to follow his lead moving through Zadash and to exhibit enough discretion so as to avoid bringing suspicion upon all of them. He trusts that Astrid will respond well to his entrance, but he also trusts himself and the Hells enough to execute a back-up plan in the case that she doesn't. In the end, he even trusts them enough to give them his name and identity.
He doesn't scan as someone who has spent half a dozen years living like a prey animal, afraid of any shadow he runs across in an alley, withdrawn into himself and an insular family, which would've been an easy route for him to take. He scans as someone who has learned the kind of trust borne of learned confidence and a trained eye for good will and kindness, which are crucial weapons one would need for staving off cynicism in his circumstances—as if he has survived thanks more to connection and kindness than paranoia and isolation. (If we want to be saccharine about it, he scans quite poignantly as a member of the Mighty Nein.)
So it is easy to imagine this trust and openness as a natural progression of his initial search for perspectives external to his own cultural knowledge. Though he makes those first connections with the Assembly to try to vindicate his personal hypotheses, he finds in them exposure to the deepest corruption among Exandrian mortals, which could've—and did, for a time—turned him further down that same dark path.
But it's also this same openness to exposure from the wider world that allows the Nein to influence him for the better, and in spite of the challenges he's certainly faced simply surviving over the past seven years, he seems to have held onto this openness enough to move through the world with self-assurance and a willingness to extend the kinds of trust and good will that he has been shown.
(I would be remiss not to mention that I was reminded about my thoughts on this by this lovely post from sky-scribbles and their use in the tags of 'light' to describe Essek's demeanor this episode, which is really such an apt word for it.)
#something something hope is a weapon hope is a discipline hope is a garden to cultivate!!!#HE'S SO GOOD HE IS TRULY EXEMPLAR OF THE WHOLE PHILOSOPHY OF THE NEIN AND I DO NOT THINK THAT'S AN ACCIDENT#truly just like. enormous proponent of letting trust and curiosity into your heart regardless of the horrors.#it's hard and it makes you more vulnerable and sometimes it hurts so so much but it will also save your fucking life!#cr spoilers#critical role#essek thelyss#cr meta#I was gonna apologize for the length but I'm not sorry. I'm also not sorry for being insane about him but he's so special to me.#head in my hands he's so GOOD HE'S BEST BOI! GUIDING LIGHT NORTH STAR!!! LOOK AT HIM!!!#also truly if i had two nickels for a span of time with no essek sightings where I wrote a lot of fic#with deliberate personal acknowledgment that I was writing some pretty maximal arcs for him in terms of character growth#and then end up getting essek for half an episode and having to go OH WE'RE GOING THAT FAR ACTUALLY. FUCKING INCREDIBLE.#yanno. two nickels. but good lord I am thriving that it's happened twice#augh this is ONE of the pieces I need to write this week. we're not gonna talk about it
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