#it made me feel like I was reliving the most abusive parts of my close family relationship in real time

[atalantasfatgock]

So I read hdg

[partially-controlled-chaos]

Come Back to Me Pt 5

Pairing: Astarionxf!Tav

Rating: M

Warnings: Hurt/angst, comfort, trauma, fluff, trauma, soft jealous Astarion

Summary: After an attack in the Shadow Cursed Lands, Tavriel is exposed to the toxins of fear inducing mushroom spores, causing her already weakened mind to relive the traumatic horrors of her past. Astarion and Halsin are forced to work quickly to cure her mind of the spores before the effects remain with her permanently.

Also read on AO3! Check there for more frequent updates because I sometimes forget to also post them here.

I also recommend reading my previous fic for some backstory on my Tav! Not totally necessary, but if you’d like some backstory you can find it here!

Masterlist

Come Back to Me: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 6

Astarion shook his head as his tadpole disconnected from Tavriel’s, allowing his thoughts to once again be his own. His temples throbbed and his back muscles slightly ached, almost mimicking the true agony Tavriel was still reeling from. He felt his stomach twist into knots as bile began to rise, feeling ill just from witnessing the sadistic nature of Tavriel’s master. She had never shared specific stories with him, only general discussions of her tortures and suffering, but she had never revealed just how cruel Oaklarth was to her. He knew of her scars, but to see exactly how she got them and hear the bone-chilling screams she’d let out in the process coupled with the idea of knowing her master would then use and abuse her body against her will over and over again? It was almost too much to stomach. It reminded him too much of his own past traumas under Cazador.

Tavriel’s movements had once again slowed and she began to settle as she took slow, shallow breaths as the memory faded from her mind. She had grown weaker, her arms barely able to hold herself up, slightly trembling under her weight. Her head hung low, hair cascading over her shoulders as her breath came in slow gasps. Astarion watched helplessly as Tavriel simply sat there, her mind slipping further and further from reality. Anxiety had begun to settle in his chest and he had nearly jumped to his feet to drag the druid in the room before he finally heard the door click open. He wasn’t sure how long his mind had linked with Tavriel’s, but seeing that both Halsin and a cure for Tavriel had yet to come, he was afraid too much time had passed. Halsin appeared in the doorway, a cup of steaming, foul smelling tea resting in his hands. He closed the door behind him, looking to Astarion and then to the weary looking Tavriel who was barely supporting herself on the floor.

“That smells absolutely dreadful.” Astarion sneered as Halsin knelt beside him, carefully looking over Tavriel as he made sure not to spill the tea.

“I cannot promise it’ll be the most palatable drink, but it should cure her ailments. Considering we acted quickly enough, of course.” Halsin lightly lifted her chin with his fingers, only to have her weakly pull away. He gripped her chin a second time, a little more firmly than before, and put the steaming cup of tea to her lips.

“This will help you, my friend. No harm is meant.” He said as he slowly poured the warm liquid into her mouth and down her throat, letting her take small sips to ensure she consumed every drop. Tavriel was too weak to put up much of a fight. The memory she shared with Astarion via the tadpole was enough to weaken her more than ever. She slowly drank the steaming liquid, not particularly fond of the taste, but also not in the right state of mind to really make sense of what was happening. It took a bit of time, but eventually she had reached the bottom of the cup.

“How long will this take to set in?” Astarion asked as Tavriel downed the last of the tea from the cup.

“Not too long, but I cannot give you a certain time. This will make her sleep so her body can fight off the spores. She’ll wake when she is healed, but shouldn’t be more than a few hours. The infection is severe, but I do not think it’s beyond repair. She’ll be back to her usual self before long.” Halsin said as he removed the cup from her lips, watching her closely to make sure she consumed the liquid and didn’t expel it from her mouth. Much to his delight, she swallowed the antidote without fuss and allowed it to set in.

It didn’t take long for the tea to have an impact on Tavriel. Her already tired eyes had drooped, her lids slowly fluttering in an attempt to keep herself awake. The actions were pointless, however, and she soon closed her eyes completely and her head once again hung low to the ground. She gave one final, gentle moan before he body began to sway in exhaustion. Astarion gently grabbed her by the shoulders, helping to guide her down to the ground so she wouldn’t fall and injure herself. The vampire placed her gently along the floor on her side, happy to see that sleep had finally taken over his delirious love and she could finally heal. Both the vampire and the druid watched over her for some time, wanting to be sure there were no complications from the antidote Halsin had prepared. They watched as her breathing began to even out and she seemed to be in a peaceful slumber.

“Thank you.” Astarion said after some time of watching Tavriel rest.

“Of course,” Halsin said with a smile and a pat to Astarion’s shoulder, “I’m just sorry I couldn’t have prevented this. Will you keep watch over her? Or do you need me to step in?”

“Oh no, druid, I’m perfectly capable of keeping watch. Get some rest. I will call you if needed.” Astarion said as he settled on the floor, crossing his legs in the process.

“May Oak Father preserve you, my dear friend.” Halsin said quietly to the sleeping elf, placing a strong hand across his chest as he spoke. After a brief moment, Halsin left the room, giving one final glance to Tavriel before letting the door shut behind him.

After he was certain she was deep in her slumber, Astarion carefully removed the armor from Tavriel’s body in an attempt to make her more comfortable. He made quick and easy work of the leather straps that held her shoulder plates in place, letting them gently slide from her shoulders. He then moved to her sides, loosening the straps there to allow her chest place to be pulled off and tossed aside. He gently rotated her in his arms as he pulled the metal plates from her body, not wanting to disturb her too much, but she remained motionless, unaware of the elf attempting to ease her suffering. Once she was free from her bindings, Astarion scooped Tavriel into his arms, lifting her from the hard floor of their shared room and carried her to bed. 

He placed her gently on top of the sheets, slowly letting her seemingly lifeless body sink into the soft mattress they shared, hoping this gesture would ease some of her discomfort. He lifted her head onto a pillow and softly brushed sweat soaked strands of copper hair from her face. She was drenched in dried sweat, no doubt a response from her frantic movements earlier in the evening. Her shirt was saturated as well, but that would be something to be dealt with later when she was once again conscious. After all, he had promised her a bath when she returned. Astarion pressed the back of his fingers to her forehead, checking for a fever as Halsin had, and was satisfied with the lack of heat radiating from her skin. He then moved down to check both cheeks, ensuring they were fever free as well, and softly ran his thumb over each of her cheekbones in the process. He was gentle with his touches, almost acting as if she was the most fragile of flowers that would disintegrate at the slightest touch.

“Is that better, my love?” He asked softly. He hadn’t expected a response, but he still noted the twinge of disappointment when he was answered with nothing but a still silence. His eyes were locked onto her as he sat on the bed beside the wood-elf, continually searching for signs of improvement in his beloved. He was being impatient, but wanted nothing more than to see her return to normal. More than once he found himself leaning over her body to press an ear to her chest, listening for a heartbeat. Her heart rate had slowed tremendously and her breathing had become so slow that he found himself frequently listening for the thumping in her chest to ensure she hadn’t slipped beyond the veil of life. It made him uneasy, seeing her look so lifeless, fearing that she might actually slip away from him.

Astarion climbed onto the bed himself, sitting on her opposite side and crossed his legs, more than ready to sit by her side until she was awake once again. He wrung is hands as he watched over her, anticipating her coming back, but also thankful that she looked as peaceful as she did. Even when they had first started traveling together, he had never known Tavriel to have a decent nights rest. He often found her strolling around the camp at night, eyes always scanning the perimeter as she walked off any nightmares she had relived. She was never truly at rest and admittedly seeing her so still and peaceful was a strange sight. Admittedly, he had grown fond of her late night walks. Given he was usually up late into the night as well, they’d made a habit of quipping back and forth each night and had ultimately grown closer because of it. But tonight was different. There would be no nightmares, no late night strolls, no patrolling to ensure her master hadn’t snuck up on her while she was distracted. Instead, Astarion would take on that role. He vowed to her that he would keep watch and protect her, making sure no harm would come while he was there.

Astarion couldn’t help but admire her features as she slept, his eyes slowly scanning her face as he committed every detail to memory. The corner of his lips twitched into a soft smile as he thought back on their travels in the sun, remembering just how much he found himself enjoying the way the sun would bathe her body. Her hair was a deep copper color and would glow under the warm touch of the sun and her complexion almost radiated a gentle heat. The freckles that littered her cheeks and nose would grow just slightly darker if they spent too long in the light while walking. Before they came to the Shadow Cursed Lands, Astarion had often found himself desiring to kiss Tavriel the way the sun would, with feather light kisses on every freckle he could find from her face to her arms and even the few she had on her stomach and legs. 

As far as he was concerned, Tavriel was the sun. Even if he was doomed to forever dwell in the shadows after he rid himself of his brain worm, being with her would be just as satisfying. She was a beaming light of hope, despite her own darknesses, and was the one thing that could bring him true happiness. Alternatively, spending an eternity in the sun without her by his side would void of any joy and positivity. The strongest rays of sunshine would do nothing to break through the dark cloud of her absence. 

“You have truly and utterly bewitched me, darling.” He said as he gently placed her bruised hand in his, “You don’t cast magic, but you’ve certainly cast some sort of spell on this dead heart of mine.” He was unsure if she could hear or understand him, but was hoping she would. Despite his feelings towards his companion, he found it difficult to express to her how much she truly meant. It was much easier, in his mind, to open up to her when she was asleep and didn’t have to worry about how she may respond. Not that Tavriel would ever say anything to absolutely crush his heart, but he wasn’t confident that she felt the same way towards him. Tavriel was an incredibly difficult book to read and Astarion couldn’t decipher her feelings towards him. And now, with the offer from the druid, he was even more unsure. 

“You have been quite the unexpected surprise on this little adventure,” he continued, “but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I couldn’t have asked for a better companion. You have shown me kindness, even in the worst of times, and I cannot thank you enough for that. It’s a debt that cannot be repaid, although I will do my best; I can promise you that much.” His thumb stroked her hand as he spoke, relishing in the softness of her skin. Tavriel still remained motionless, her chest barely moving with breath. Astarion leaned forward slightly, placing a delicate kiss to the freckle on her wrist before he spoke again.

“I also swear to you that we will find that rat-bastard of a drow and make him suffer for everything he’s done to you. Even if it’s after we deal with these infectious little worms and our little band of misfits parts ways, I will make sure we find him. Let you deliver that final, killing blow and do everything in my power to let you live whatever life you want. The life of freedom that you deserve, my darling.” Tavriel had promised to help Astarion hunt down Cazador and now it was his turn to make the same promise to her. One promise he was more than willing to make. He delivered several soft issues along her knuckles and to the back of the hand he was holding, hoping that maybe just one soft kiss would be enough to stir her from her slumber. However, much to his dismay, Tavriel remained still.

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“Something is wrong,” Halsin said plainly as he gently lifted one of Tavriel’s eyelids with his thumb, observing the eye underneath, “She should be awake. Her eyes have cleared and there are no traces of the spores.”

Two days had passed and Tavriel still remained unconscious, much to the worry of both the vampire and the druid. Astarion never left the room, not wanting to miss the moment she potentially could open those pretty eyes of hers. Halsin on the other hand would flit back and forth, wanting to check on Tavriel but also not metaphorically step on Astarion’s toes. Because Tavriel had not explicitly stated that she wanted something more from Halsin, the druid wanted to be as respectful as possible to her relationship with Astarion, who had become increasingly protective over his lover the longer she was unconscious.

“Her eyes are no longer clouded by the spores,” Halsin continued as he observed her other eye, “but they’re clouded with something else. It’s as if her mind has left her body.” Astarion peered around Halsin, looking over the unconscious elf on the bed. The druid was right, something was not right with Tavriel. Her normally vibrant green eyes were dull, not quite fogged over, but as if her very soul was missing from them. The light in her eyes had simply disappeared and had been replaced with something cold. A chill caressed Astarion’s spine; the sight of Tavriel was too similar to corpse for his liking.

“What do we do?” Astarion asked after a few moments of silence, “Can you heal her?”

“I’m unsure if I’m being honest,” Halsin said as he stood, pressing his knuckles to her forehead to once again check for a fever, “this is most unusual. I’ve healed many who have been infected with the spores, but they have never reacted like this. They’ve usually stirred a few hours after drinking the antidote, at most overnight, but never days on end.” Satisfied in feeling no fever from Tavriel, Halsin removed his hand and stood quietly, lost in thought.

“Surely there are others you can converse with,” Astarion suggested, “to have a second opinion on if your methods of healing are actually working and where to go from here.” His words with said with the intent to wound the druid for failing to bring Tavriel back immediately, but was disappointed to find that they had simply rolled off Halsin’s back unnoticed.

“Let me speak with the harpers,” Halsin said eventually, “perhaps they know of something I may have missed. Stay with her, if you will, and let me know if she stirs in the meantime. Surely time is not on our side with this matter.” Astarion’s lip curled slightly at his words, but eventually gave a single nod in acknowledgement. Without another word, Halsin left the vampire in charge as he hurried to find a harper in the inn, hid pace quickening with each step. After the door to the room had closed, Astarion turned his attention back to Tavriel.

“Now, darling,” he said as he knelt next to her on the bed, “you made me a promise. And if I remember correctly, you keep your promises.” He gently stroked the spot between her eyebrows with his thumb, the other hand holding one of hers. “Don’t break this promise, my love, please. I can’t do this without you. Hells, you’re still here, but I’m already lost. If you leave, I’ll be lost in this darkness forever. Come back to me, Tavriel.” He planted a single kiss to her forehead before standing, turning to being pacing the room once again. 

After a solid day of sitting next to her on the bed with no signs of life, Astarion had to keep himself moving to try to keep unwanted thoughts at bay. He strolled the length of the room slowly, his eyes staring into the dimly glowing embers of the fireplace. He kept one arm folded across his chest, using it to support the other as it nestled under his chin, occasionally running his thumb over his lower lip in thought. Although the pacing helped to a degree, wicked thoughts still managed to creep their way into Astarion’s mind, causing his stomach to knot in disgust. 

“This is your fault, you know.” He said to himself as he made another turn in the room, “If you had just been stronger in convincing her not to go, she would be here with you now. But no, you were weak. Pathetic. You rolled over and showed your belly and now she’s as good as dead.” He shook the thoughts from his head, desperately trying to think of anything else in the meantime. 

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Tavriel found herself on her hands and knees on a stone floor, the sharp stones digging into her flesh. She wasn’t sure about where she was, but she knew it was no place she wanted to be for too long. After a moment, she came to realize she was in a room, cold and damp, and it was unsettlingly dark. Even with elven dark vision, she couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of her. The darkness was cold and piercing, quickly settling into her rapidly beating heart. Tavriel slowly made her way to her feet, her eyes scanning the room for any sign of another person or, more preferably, an escape.

She dared to take a few steps in front of her, her legs shaking from the pressure of the stones she had been kneeling on. The room was small, yet it seemed never ending. She couldn’t quite make out the wall on the opposite side. Each step she took only seemed to make the wall take a step back from her. After a few more steps she turned, hoping that by going into an opposite direction would lead her to an exit, or at the very least, some answers as to where she was. But no matter the direction she went, Tavriel was lost. She was greeted by nothing but darkness and the never ending loop of a room. She felt tears begin to well in her eyes as she continued pacing, the piercing coldness of the room and the dread of being alone was starting to set in. Gods, how she hated to be alone.

“Darling.” She heard a voice behind her. Quiet and inviting, almost inaudible. She turned, hoping to see a figure standing within her line of sight, but was instead greeted only with more darkness. Her eyebrows knitted together, now wondering if she’d actually heard something or if she had finally lost her mind. She took a few more steps in the direction of the voice, her hand outstretched to prevent her from bumping into any obstacles. Eventually, the tips of her fingers brushed against a piece of damp wood. 

A simple, wooden door was nestled in a deep socket of the stone wall, well hidden in the depth of darkness that surrounded her. As she looked over the potential exit, she could see a very soft, faint glow of light peeking through the crack where the wood met the frame. Hesitantly, she approached the heavy door, placing her hands along the wood before pressing her ear to the gap in the frame. She listened closely, hoping to hear the voice once again. Tavriel held her breathing, seeing if it would allow her to hear the voice more clearly. After a few moments of deafening silence, she heard it again. That soft, gentle voice that had called to her previously. She recognized the voice, but couldn’t place a face. She’d heard it many times recently and it was always the same soothing voice each time it visited her. It called to her from the darkness and beckoned her to the light on the opposite side of the door. Her hands fumbled the surface of the door, searching from a handle or lever she could pull. When her fingers touched the seam and the light shining through, she felt a warmth she wasn’t accustomed to feeling. Whatever it was, was loving.

“Come back to me, Tavriel.” The voice called once again as she found her grip on a metal knob. She held it tightly, turning both directions as it spun in her hand. Tavriel pressed against the door, finding it had come give with her weight. The elf tossed her weight more heavily against the wooden door blocking her path, finding that it bent more and more with each shove. She continued, slamming more roughly into the door with each go, until it finally snapped under her movements. The door burst open and Tavriel fell to the ground on the other side with a grunt, fully bathing in the light and warmth that was cascading over her.

************************************************************************************

Tavriel’s eyes opened slowly, her vision blurred and hazy as she tried to make sense of her surroundings. She wasn’t quite sure where she was, other than a bed, but she did know that it did not belong to her master. She stayed silent and turned her head, unsure if she was in safe company or not, and watched as a figure in the room slowly paced back and forth, unaware of her presence. Tavriel blinked repeatedly, trying to remove the fog from her sight as she hoisted herself to a sitting position. Instinctually, she let out a loud groan as she moved, the pain that shot through her body was too much to bear to keep quiet. Everywhere from her head to her legs ached and burned and she had only just noticed the purple bruising that covered her hands. Her ribs felt as if they were breaking with her movements and the scars along her back burned with an intense heat. 

Astarion’s head whipped her direction, surprise covering his face as Tavriel seemed to suddenly spring to life. She groaned again, teetering on the precipice of a scream as she placed her feet on the ground, seemingly ready to stand. Astarion quickly closed the gap between them, wanting to reach out to keep her from standing too soon, but froze mere inches from her when he saw the look Tavriel had etched across her face. In her still confused mind, Tavriel couldn’t tell who was approaching her, but assumed it was a threat. She leaned back as far as her aching body would allow her and placed a hand in front of her to stop the figure from coming closer. He watched as her outstretched hand trembled in fear, the familiar feeling of dread once again settling in his heart. His eyes then found hers as she scanned his face, desperately trying to understand who was with her. Tavriel’s breath was as shaky as her hand as she looked over the stranger, still unsure if she was with a friend or an enemy. 

After a moment her mind started to clear and she took in the man’s features. Silver hair. Red eyes. Pale skin. Puncture wounds in the neck. She knew this face and knew it well. Both elves remained silent as Tavriel regained her posture, slowly coming back up to a sitting position. Her outstretched and trembling hand soon slowed and reached for the familiar face in front of her. She softly placed the hand on his cheek, wanting to feel him in her grasp to ensure he was real and not just another figment of her imagination. Astarion leaned into her touch, offering her a small smile as her thumb caressed his cheekbone.

“Astarion?” Tavriel asked softly, her voice hoarse from her cries.

“Welcome back, my dear.” He said as his smile slightly grew, relief beginning to wash over him as Tavriel placed her other hand on his opposite cheek. She cupped his face as her eyes continued to scan his features, still half expecting him to fade from her grasp and be plunged back in her masters dungeons. 

“...Real?” She asked hesitantly as her grip on his cheeks tightened slightly.

“Oh yes, love. I’m very real.” Before Astarion could say more, Tavriel pulled him to her. One arm snaked around his back and the other hand found purchase in his hair, her fingers gripping his curls tightly to keep him close. It would have almost been painful had Astarion been gripping her with any less force. His hand slid up her back and rested at the base of her head while the other landed on the sheets behind her, keeping the vampire from toppling on top of her after her pull. They stayed still for a few moments, relishing in the embrace of their companion. 

With his arm beginning to lose feeling from supporting them both, Astarion stood straight, bringing the other elf with him. Tavriel let out another strained groan as she stood, a wave of pain strong enough to make her vision temporarily blur and see white. She clutched to Astarion, her eyes clenching shut as she waiting for the last twinges of agony to subside. Instinctively, Astarion nudged Tavriel to release her grip and tugged at her shirt, ready to pull it out of the way to look over her wounds. In doing so, he felt her tense and he immediately stopped his movements.

“May I?” He asked cautiously as he lightly tugged at the hem of her shirt, signaling he wanted to remove the article to observe her injuries all while not wanting to frighten or unsettle her more than she already was. Although both elves were very comfortable in being scantily dressed or fully nude in each others presence, the act of actually undressing the other was still tender ground. It reminded both of them what it could easily turn into, even though neither were never in the right mindset for sex. They were happy to take things slow, although in this instance Astarion found it necessary to see just how badly Tavriel was hurt.

“Of course.” She said quietly, still fighting off the last aches from standing. Tavriel slowly raised her arms over her head, trying not to make her winces too noticeable. Astarion lifted her shirt, carefully tugging it over her sore arms and eventually over her head completely. The tips of his fingers ghosted over her wounds, slowly tracing the various bruises and scratches. Her numerous scars were inflamed, almost pulsing under his touch, and dried blood was stuck to some of her deeper scratches. 

“You need healing, dear.” Astarion said as he looked over her exposed skin, grimacing at the deep bruises that were self inflicted in her delirium, “Let me go find the druid and see what he can do.”

“No,” Tavriel said with another groan, “I’m fine. There’s no need to waste the resources if I’m not bleeding out. We should save them for someone more important. I’ll heal up in a few days, trust me. I’ve looked, and felt, much worse.” Tavriel reached for her shirt, but Astarion had a firm grip on the ragged fabric, keeping it in his grasp. 

“You will do no such thing!” Astarion shouted, a bit more desperate sounding than he had intended, “Darling, I can’t think of a single more important person that needs our bloody supplies more than you do at the moment. Let me help you.” Tavriel placed her hands over his own, shaking her head as she pried her shirt from his grasp, tears threatening to begin pooling on her eyelids.

“I don’t want to cause more trouble than I already have,” she said as she pulled her shirt back over her head, “I’ve made you worry enough as it is. You shouldn’t have to take care of me like this.” The wood-elf gestured to her head, two fingers tapping at her temple. 

“But I want to,” he said more gently than before, “and so does every member of our little group. Believe me when I say that everyone wants to see you well. Some more than others, but nonetheless, all members are on board.” 

Tavriel sighed heavily, allowing her eyes to close for a moment. She was exhausted and it was beginning to show. The two days she spent in her medicine induced rest didn’t allow her to sleep. Her body was still, but her mind raced; memories flashing, voices floating in and out, and trying to escape the confines of her own mind. Which, of course, had been combined with the sheer panic and terror caused by the mushroom spores, which only drained her energy more. Long nights of no sleep in the Shadow Cursed Lands and the ever present feeling of the mind flayer tadpole swimming behind her eye only added to the exhaustion. 

Tavriel was running on empty, her own body threatening to betray her and collapse under the immense pressure she was facing. But even still, she hesitated in accepting help from her companions. She was their leader and the driving force behind finding a cure to the tadpoles that didn’t involve growing a set of tentacles. She couldn’t appear weak in front of them. It would make her look feeble-minded and could cause the others to think she didn’t know what she was doing. Tavriel had convinced herself that she had to be strong for the others. All of her companions had their own host of terrifying and world shattering issues themselves ranging from a magic powered orb threatening to detonate at any time to the looming threat of the goddess of darkness. Compared to them, Tavriel felt inferior. Her issues, as traumatic as they may be to her, seemed insignificant. And yet, here was Astarion, who was spending every waking moment of his undead life running from his former master, desperately trying to convince her that it would be okay to lean on him in her moment of need.

“Okay,” she said with her eyes still closed, “okay.” Astarion felt another wave of relief wash over him at her agreement for just basic healing. 

“Now then,” Astarion sighed as he tucked a few stray strands of hair from Tavriel’s face, “you wait here while I go fetch the druid. Once he’s done we can get you that bath I promised and see if I can do something with that dreadful burlap of yours.” Tavriel snorted at his teasing, her eyes snapping open as she remember their conversation from before her journey.

“You’re still on about that?” Tavriel cocked her head slightly, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

“But of course!” He said with a flourish, “The current state of your hair truly is a crime, love, and I would be a willing accomplice if I didn’t offer my services.” Behind her eyes he could see she was still worn down, but was elated to find that she had easily accepted his gentle teasing. 

“I thought you enjoyed the occasional crime?” Her head still tilted to the side as her smile widened. She grabbed onto his arms, firmly holding on to the vampire. Her legs were weak from exhaustion, threatening to collapse under her weight if she didn’t cling to something.

  “I have standards, my dear.” He said with a wink. “And, if memory serves me correctly, you did offer me a reward for my hard work. And you do know how fond I am over a piece of treasure.” Astarion offered her a coy smile as he placed his hands on her waist and gently pulled her to him, trying to avoid agitating any wounds on her body while keeping her on her feet.

“Indeed I do.” She said softly. The elf pressed her forehead to his, mirroring their final embrace before she left for the shadows, sighing contently at the contact. They stood there for some time, simply enjoying the others touch. 

“Meet me in the baths when you’re ready, my love.” Astarion placed a soft kiss to her temple, his hands lingering on her waist before pulling away and slipping out of the room. Tavriel made her way back to the bed, seating herself on the edge with a grunt of pain. She sat there with her eyes closed, trying to center her thoughts as she waited for Halsin. She found a flurry of butterflies making their way to her stomach as she remembered the conversation she’d had with Halsin before making contact with those dreaded mushrooms. In a way she was thankful for Astarion pushing for Halsin to come heal her. They needed to talk and it simply couldn’t wait.

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@meganwritesfanfics

[thatcanadianfangirl]

JJ Maybank// Healing Takes Time Pt.2

JJ Maybank X Jade (Booker) Routledge

Plot: When Jade is all alone at the chateau falling asleep on the hottest night of the year she hears a loud noise that makes her skin crawl. She discovers JJ on the sofa after what seems like a run-in with the kooks again. With some reluctance he allows his best friend's Twin to patch him up. Falling apart in her clutch that night she discovers that the clash he experienced earlier was something deeper than just some lousy rich boy. He returns to her every time it occurs, he never talks and always leaves before Jade stirs away. That is until one day he does.

Word Count: 4.7k+

Disclaimer: Brother's bestfriend, slow burn, talks of domestic abuse, and mentions of underage drinking. minor writing errors even though this is edited.

{Part One}

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The excruciating heat from the summer sun had made sleep too uncomfortable to keep. Sweat began to latch onto every inch of my body like a second skin. I felt drowsy as my mind began pulling to the front again.

The empty space beside me still radiated warmth from the boy who occupied it last night. A strange feeling of lost overwhelmed me at the knowledge of JJ escaping while I was unconscious. But there also was a foreign and very pleasant emotion starting to plant its-self.

What the fuck is happening to me?

With a cat nap stretch I grasps the most ancient iPhone I've laid eyes on, but it was $500 dollars cheaper than a brand new one, I shouldn't be complaining. Three hours before my shift at the Pelican Yacht Club and another hour ahead of my alarm. Unfortunately there's no chance of me passing out again with the temperatures so high today.

With a heavy heart I scoured the house just incase JJ decided to relocate himself. Every room was completely vacant and there was no sign of life anywhere. John B still appeared to on hiatus and the concern began fluttering. That kid better have the decency to send me a text soon.

After a hot shower I still felt mentally exhausted from the night I had with JJ. It shattered my heart to see him that vulnerable, that broken. I want that prick to drown himself six-hundred feet under the sea. Jay wasn't anything close to perfect but he definitely didn't deserve to be beaten by the one person who was suppose to protect him.

I hoped that blonde boy didn't escape back home to that sorry excuse of a man he was forced to call dad. My throat tightened and it was hard to contain the burning tears.

I took my time preparing myself. I wasn't a fan of your every day kook but with the pay my promotion brought just about made up for it.

Capturing my Jeep keys, I made my way out of the Chateau and through the porch. The yard was Pogue-less and the Twinkie was not in her original spot. Where the hell was my brother? Although my day would go a lot more seamless if I knew where he was. I'm still passive-aggressive towards him for leaving me in that damned place alone.

With the spare time and extra cash I had I was able to grab a bite to eat and hit up the gas station. I really needed to get mobile minutes and fill up the Jeep for the rest of the week.

----

I was relived to be sitting at the reception desk in the cool air conditioned building. Watching a few others from the cut maintaining and fuel up various boats out on the docks. A job I had last year and frankly didn't miss for a single second. Taking this job serious was the best decision I've made in my entire life.

Through the glass door I could see a familiar SUV pulling up front. I spotted Kiara, another friend of my twin brother. She rounded the rear and started for the front doors. I consider Kie a friend of mine as well, she often pulled me along with them. Always mentioning how nice it was to have another girl around to balance out that intoxication masculine energy.

"Good evening, Miss Carrera. Is there anything I help you with today?" I announced in my service voice once she walked through the doors. She flashed me a mischievous grin and I swore I could giggle at the sight.

Kiara wore a vibrant and suitable outfit for the hot weather. She always had such a fun style making me yearn for a body I didn't have. I loved my curves but the hope for Kiara donating to my empty closet was almost comparable. It was hard to find cute discounted or thrifted clothing in my size.

"Yes, Miss Routledge I need the Carrera's Princess y72 fueled and prepped for an evening trip to the mainland." She held an elegant tone and straighten her posture as she addressed me.

I forced a laugh down and continued to play along with our ruse. "Not a problem, It'll be ready for 3:00pm. How does that sound?"

"That simply will not do." She shook her head and both of her front braids followed. "Did you not hear me? I said evening trip." I almost chocked sensing how much she struggled to keep the kook behavior.

"My apologies Miss Carrera. How does 5:00pm sound instead." I offered,

"Yes, why couldn't you just get it right the first time?" she pawed the air in displeasure.

It took two seconds before we fell into a fit of laughter so hard it began to hurt. Her dark skin starting to turn pink as she gasped for air and it only made me laugh harder.

The clearing of ones voice had me swallowing down the ounce of happiness I had today. Fear washed over me as I spotted my boss Pike, standing a few feet away. Arms crossed over his lean chest as he analyzed the scene before him.

"Sorry, sir." I croaked.

He approached the reception desk and leaned his body weight against it. With firm green eyes he stared me down. At the tense anticipation I prepared myself for a scolding. A small one, but a scolding nonetheless.

Glancing at Kiara I could have sworn her eyes almost rolled out of their sockets. I opened my mouth to investigate my punishment but nothing came out.

"Loosen up kid." He breaks into humorous smile. "You dedicated so much to this company and as long as you're doing your job I don't care who comes to visit you during your shift." He shrugs nonchalantly.

The sword above my head vanished into thin air and my lungs began filling back up with oxygen again. "You have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that. I was worried you were fed up with me." I say with a smile of appreciation.

"I could never be, just keep up the good work." He replies with a wink and a too friendly smile as he began retreating.

"As always." I speak over my shoulder watching his tall frame disappear behind the pristine blue wall. My presentable mannerism fleeting my being once my attention clung onto Kiara again.

"Now what were you going to ask me before you almost got me fired." I sassed and gave her a lighthearted glare.

She scoffs dramatically and says "If anything I pushed you closer to the manager position. Pike really seems to be impressed with your work ethic." Kiara's face softened and I couldn't help the proud smile spreading onto my lips at the adoration swirling in her brown eyes.

"Maybe," I shrug. "But it's a tinsey bit fetched considering I'm part-time for ten months out of the year." I say knowing this might be it for me.

"You'll get there, I promise." She says it like she too understood the hardships of living on the cut. As if she had to take bread from the clearance shelf and store it in the freezer. Or fill five dollar condition half way when it was a quarter way empty.

I could taste the bitterness trying to over take this tender moment I was sharing with Kie. I despised myself for every comparing my life against hers. Sure it was unfortunate I born into poverty, but it wasn't her fault she had all these advantages in life.

"I'll hold you to it." I tease lassoing back that buoyant atmosphere we held minutes ago.

"Good." She nods. Her heart is too big for this world.

"Now when do you get off work?" She asks innocently twirling one of her braids with her finger, "I think Seven, why? What do you have planned for tonight?" I asked cautiously. Last time she asked me this I got alcohol poisoning from a 'little' kegger as she put it. Those few days I've spent in the hospital wasn't exactly my idea of a good time.

"Don't worry it's nothing too crazy. We're going surfing tonight and I wanted you to come. I know you cant resist a good wave or two. Plus you can show us some of those tricks we can never get down."

My eyes caught movement through the glass doors again. Leaning against Kie's vehicle was none other than JJ himself. My breathe caught in my throat at seeing him for the first time since last night. He was wearing John's clothes telling me he hasn't gone home yet. His blonde hair was no longer matted in sweat and was now looking perfect again.

His eye looked swollen and I cursed that boy for not fetching something from the ice box. His sewn eyebrow was starting to purple. Despite his face, I found the guy so unbelievably attractive.

Kiara noticed my glance was lingering a little too long past her shoulder and trailed my gaze.

Shit!

She's about to discover that her best friend is the only one in a mile radius and blow the entire thing out of the water.

"Was that sew up job yours?"

"No, I haven't seen JJ since last week." I lied and instantly regretted it, Kiara knew I say him two days ago in my backyard. Circling the fire, roasting marshmallows and having a few light drinks.

A knowing glint sparkled in her eyes and she nodded her head. "Right." She finally says dragging the word on for decades. I shook my head in agreement but feeling guilty that I knew she knew I was lying through my damn teeth.

I had no clue why I was trying to keep the patch up job I did on JJ's face under wraps. I've done it a million times and none of them thought it was scandalous before, I've never shoved it under a rock before either. I didn't plan on hiding it, but I wanted to keep that vulnerable moment to myself. I'm not confident on who was aware of his fathers abuse and I wasn't going to crumble the sliver of trust he has with me.

"So whose all going to be there?" I asked reminding myself to wash my sins away later.

"The usually, John B, Pope, Sarah, me and...Jayj." She left Jay's name for last and I fucking knew it was trap, but I still looked past her and at the golden boy again. This will be at the top of the stupidest shit I've done and it's a long list. It didn't take a rocket scientist to understand he was avoiding eye contact with me. Understandable and yet it still pinched.

'I'll be ready by 7:30." I said not really having the energy for it, but I needed to get rid of her before she had the chance to question my odd behavior towards him.

Kie was quiet for a minute reading into my soul. "Okay. Not a minute later." Kiara finally declares starting to walk backwards, towards the automatic doors. The knowing glint that I was holding something back was still evident in her eyes.

I smile in agreement trying desperately to lock down the wariness that wanted to combust.

"I'll see you tonight, Surf Queen."

----

I'm completely wiped as I pull my green 1995 jeep Cherokee right beside the Twinkie. Cutting the engine I guided the stick shift into first gear and yanked the hand brake all the way up securing its parking spot.

Jumping out I winched as my feet hit the ground and the aching in my bones rattled up. The sight of my brother finally home had me forgetting all about the rage I was holding for him. He was surrounded by his friends, sharing the cheapest case of liquor Maybank could get his hands on and having the best time. My heart glowed at his found family. I

I stayed there awhile watching them before I announced my arrival. I admired the way they all could get lost in one another's company and not hear the loud engine of my jeep approaching.

I'm so drained from my shift, But I already promised Kie I'd tag along. I wasn't prepared to struck a crack into another friendship. The more time I spent with Kie the more I seen her as a real friend. And as much as I hated it, it was time to slip that mask on again.

"Holy shit Is that my twin brother as I live and breathe." I spoke loudly capturing everyone's attention. Almost all of them cheered for my appearance and it nearly felt like I was one of them.

If I wasn't the glorious JB's twin sister I wouldn't try so hard to distance myself. I'm my own person and I wanted to make it clear I was separate from my brother. I'm nothing like him or our father dropping everything to search for long forgotten treasure. It's extremely hard being a twin but it was absolutely brutal being a Routledge twin. Especially for one who didn't have her own circle of friend and trying to hijack one of his. Maybe I needed an animal companion or a boyfriend, probably both.

"Jade! I was wondering when you'd get your little butt down here." Pope hollers over with a giant welcoming grin. "I missed you too, Pope." I chuckled at his enthusiasm and returned a warm smile that didn't take up too much energy.

Pope is definitely someone you could hangout with after a long day of work and talk about the mysteries of the universe. He was loyal like the rest of them were and is always the one to knock sense into anyone who needed it.

Forcing my body onto the porch I engulfed John into a bone crushing embrace. He returned it and I clung on tighter to him. Being in his grasp felt like a warm bed and a home cooked meal. Coos and awes could be heard from the Pogues behind us murmuring something about sibling love.

"Please don't ever leave me in this house alone ever again. If you do I will sink a knife in all four tires on the Twinkie." I croaked into his chest.

Letting go me he grabbed each of my shoulders, "Did something happen last night?" He bursts out frantically, concern etched into his facial features.

on instinct my eyes drifted from his and focused on the blonde boy. It was only for a split second but JB caught it and looked back. I could skin myself alive if that were ever possible. Jay still refused to look at me and shrugged at what I assumed is an accusatory glare. His posture was lose as if he wasn't sporting my stitches on his eyebrow.

"I left the front door open." I started distracting him from his locked gaze, "A deer must've wandered in. It spooked me pretty bad." I said the first tale that floated into my brain.

"were you harmed?" John follows even the doubt swam in his eyes.

"No I-I managed to scare it out of the house." I stuttered,

"Well that explains why my floorboard was popped and the bat left in the hallway." JB notes humorously and that's when it dawned on me that I forgot about the damned bat.

How could I forgot? Oh right! There was a certain broken blonde boy crying in my arms last night.

"Yeah." I say guilty and nod my head weakly.

"I'm just glad you're okay." He says, petting my hair comfortably and I fought the urge to ask him why he cared, he's never here and I needed him in the long moments I thought someone broke in. But this wasn't the time to bring up how he's been a shitty brother lately. I wanted to savour this memory with him where he finally bothered care about me and I believed him.

"Let me get this straight." Pope says breaking the heartfelt aura. "Last night. You almost bashed a deer's brains in?" He finishes with a serious tone. It was so absurd that I struggled to keep a composed face.

"That's such a Routledge thing to do." Sarah comments, It almost caused me to shut down and call it day. I never confided in her about the twin conversation so I shouldn't be reacting to her comment the way I was.

"It's a very Jade thing to do in a dire situation." Kiara makes an effort to over shine her comment. She understood just how much I battled to accept that me and John were so much a like in too many ways to deny.

I gave her a grateful smile, thankful for her words. She tipped her head in acknowledgment "I'll be out in ten. I still need to grab my board from the shed." I mumbled heading into the house.

"Of course, take your time." Kiara replies gently,

"Me and JJ, are going to pack your board onto the Jeep for you." JB calls before I hear him barrel off the steps and almost trip and fumble to the ground. John is a good brother don't get me wrong but I missed him being around all the time.

I understood his determination to pick up dad's treasure map where he left off, it has been weeks since his disappearance. I miss the old guy like I lost every too, but I didn't ignore our situation to chase after a ghost ship. I'm the only one keeping us above water and I needed him to realize how much I craved for him to be my brother again. He's the only family I have left.

------------

Three vehicles and six boards later we arrived at the beach. Kiara and JJ in her SUV, me and Pope in my Jeep, the Greenie, and lastly Sarah and John in the Twinkie.

Strangely enough the beach was so scare we could all park together near the sand. It's hitting the golden hour an absolute stunning even to catch a few wave, so gorgeous that it wounded my soul to see it deserted

I knew pope was giving me an odd look as the others started uphauling their boards while I stayed in my seat. I admired the view I was able to experience in this point in time, absolutely breath taking. Ever since the day I rode my very first wave with the help of a certain golden retriever boy. I could hear the ocean wailing for me like a lost soulmate in the wind.

It has been a long time my first love.

"There everyone goes, leaving us behind..." Pope trails longingly,

I roll my eyes and shake my head at his dramatics. "All of you are always go go go, or too wrapped up in each other to just stop, and really enjoy the scenery around you that this earth has given us."

Being here with them gave me a knew found sense of home, like I wasn't just here living this life alone. I think it's time I let these pogues wiggle their way into being there for me. It'll take some time for me to allow them and get more comfortable with being in their presence more. But I'm willing to try for myself, for John, for the Pogues.

Pope is quiet weighing in my spoken thoughts, "You're right I really need to appreciate it a lot more, but right now isn't the time. It seems we're holding everyone up."

I whipped my head fast enough for it to strain and begin to throb in pain. A few feet away I spotted Kie with her board tucked under her one arm and resting against her hip. An expecting look displayed onto her soft features, behind her Sarah and John were beckoning me forward.

JJ was already at the shore line, the high tides crashing into his ankles. He stuck his gaze to the front of the Greenie. Wearing John's bright red shirt that had a white lobster on the chest confirming my suspicion of further injury. Jay was comfortable with his muscular build and it was unusual to find him sporting a shirt while surfing. He must be hiding from the others as well knowing they'd raise havoc at the new found information.

was I bad person for wanting him to really see me? look at me and acknowledge the night we shared? I knew the pain he faced and the time he needed to numb his trauma over. Maybe when he looked at me he was reliving it all again in a rush of conflicted emotion.

One look was all I craved. Just a tiny glance into those storming blue eyes.

"Are you ready?" Pope asks, gentle hopefulness danced in his dark brown eyes. It dawned on me then like a bucket of ice. They had thought I was going to leave like I've done a few times before. This time was different because I truly wanted to be here with them.

"Yeah, I'm ready, Pope." I say grateful for his patience,

Unclasping our boards, Pope jogged alongside me catching up with the rest of them. Soon he fell into step with John B, both of them rush towards their blonde counter part. Kiara and Sarah flanked me and it almost felt like they knew everything that happened last night. Waiting for me to spill but there was not a single thing to share. Nothing happened and I seemed to be reading into it too much.

"Are you okay? You seemed to be hesitating?" Kie asks as we reached the ocean kneeling onto our boards and paddling out. Entering the water gave me this soft security and had woken my sleeping muscles.

"Yeah." I said contently, "I was admiring how beautiful the ocean appeared in the golden hour."

"I love how you can just get lost in the nature around you. Finding the beauty in smallest of things," Sarah notes,

I shrug, " I was taught to appreciate what I was given." It wasn't a jab at their pedigree. It was more of we're different and that's not a terrible thing. They both hum understanding my words weren't malicious.

I felt complete in this moment, smiling at the both of them I could feel my mask breaking into pieces letting my true thoughts be known. It was a radiating feeling.

Looking behind me, the shore in the distance. I could sense we were at the perfect location to catch a few good waves. The others did too and halted their paddling and sat up onto their boards.

All six us stared at the wall of waves building and crashing just a few yards away. Rocking our boards once it rode out and reached past us.

"I love your bikini." Kie says, I look down at the old fading teal bikini. I got it at a thrift store two years ago and a few sizes too small. "You say that every time and you know damn well this is the only one I got." I say playfully and Kiara smiles giving me a wink.

Sarah shrugs, "Kie's right its so cute, but we should all go shopping for new ones. Like a girls day, god know we need it." She says poking her glance past us and we follow her gaze to see the boys barking at each other in deep tones and hyping themselves up.

We burst out laughing at how ridiculous they were being. Snapping their heads towards our laughter they glare teasingly, "What?!" They shout in unison, "What are you guys doing?" Kiara askes, "It looks very intimate." Sarah calls after.

It warmed my heart to JJ enjoying himself considering what he's been through in the last twenty-four hours. It nicked to know he could never be like that with me ever again.

"Our masculine chant." JB states,

"We need to level out the feminine vibe." Jay retorts aiming his words at me. I was stunned to say the least. It bent my heart and I swore that was the last time I ever helped him. it must've been written on my face because John reaches over and smacks him upside the head.

I coughed to over my laugh, but I couldn't help but feel like a fucking out cast again. Maybe letting them in wasn't the best idea.

"I didn't know your masculinity was so fragile, Jay." I spat,

"It's not!" He shot back desperately

"I'm catching the first wave." I blankly said, paddling for the wave. Behind me I could hear John giving JJ shit for treating me like some Kook whose fucking with his feelings.

My body took control catching the wave like I've done many times before. Everything with JJ and John forgotten like none of it happened and I was completely content with that. The adrenaline raced into my blood as I rode the wave with such perfect ease.

After padding back to my spot beside Kiara and Sarah, JJ went next. It was easy to detect that our surfing styles were similar. I would've loved that I replicated his style to the tee a year ago, but now it made me sick to my stomach.

"I've never noticed how you and JJ have the same style." Sarah comments and Kiara's attention snapped to me, I shrugged "JJ Taught me how to surf."

Sarah gave an amused look, "Really? I would've thought John B did." Kie laughs and I shook my head, "Nope." I popped the 'p' "The jackass was too busy laughing at me while I drowned."

"I was not!" John B yelled over catching our conversation,

"Keep telling yourself that buddy." Kie calls returning her attention back to our triangle. Pope snickers and John B squints his eyes at him," I would've taught her but Jayj was the better teacher."

"beside if John did teach me, I wouldn't be able to land a few of my tricks." I shrug,

"What happened between the two of you?' Sarah asks the one question I was dreading, But her eyes were hopeful and I truly wanted to be close friends with her.

"I'm wondering the same thing. We use to be good friends when we were younger, then one day he pulled away. Stopped hanging out with me and never shared anything with me. It was very cold turkey and so fucking strange."

"I'm sorry, that must've been confusing." She replies and I brush it off.

"Nothing I can do now." I say flatly. Noticing Kiara has been quiet I trailed my glace to her, a weak smile spread across her face and I could've sworn I saw guilt swirling in her brown eyes. She must know something that I didn't and I had the urge to dig deeper.

We stayed there for two more hours, surfing and showing off our technique. The sun was ready to disappear over the horizon and god was it gorgeous but it was time to bring it in.

Dragging our bodies near the shore I walked between the girls again. after a successful day session on the waves I felt emotionally and mentally full and healthy. It was as if the ocean had the ability to revive me.

"Are both of you still down to go bikini shopping?" Sarah askes,

"Yeah absolutely, Jade what about you?" Kie replies looking at me expectantly.

"Operation feminine energy is a go!" I shout to the rising moon. Both of them celebrate like they won a marathon, I join them and somehow feel like I'm apart of something outside of being a Routledge twin.

Ahead of us the boys give us weird looks and I couldn't careless, but the lingering glance from JJ had me conflicted. In his storm blue eyes I saw a flicker of regret and I found it hard to breathe.

I held a façade for Kiara and Sarah, but I felt utterly lost when it came to that boy. Carrying our boards back to the vehicles I tried to focus on our new found girl squad.

--

Pat two took so long because I changed quite a bit from the original piece and added over 1k words. I definitely restrained myself from writing more JJ it's just not time for them yet.

Part two took so long because I wanted to write more JJ, but it's not for it yet.

This is very slow burn and I truly wanted to write about what living on the cut was really like.

Thank you so much for reading It means the worlds you decided to read something I wrote. I love you.

[alostlovergirl]

Pulling back: Part 2 to Come back to me

Summary:Tony plans to pull you back in the most disgusting way possible.

Warnings: Impreganation, abuse, mental abuse, PTSD attack, fear, gun mention, really dark themes.

- Note: this is what I meant when I said I had dark themes that I wanted to post. I hope you guys like this.

Nothing felt right anymore. When I woke up, there was a cold sensation in the room, nipping at my skin. It felt eerie and quiet. My apartment no longer felt like home. It felt like prison. I don’t know why. This home has been my comfort place for the last 2 years. The one only safe place in my screwed up world. But, now it felt like someone was watching me and why the hell is my window open.

I just noticed it. My window was open with a little black heart smeared on my wallpaper next to the open window, blowing in cool air. My eyebrows furrowed and I stood up, wobbling on my feet and feeling even colder now. I walk towards the window and immediately get blown in the face with the smell of motor oil and jet fumes. I slammed my window closed as my chest tightened. Was he here? He was here. He knows where I am. My legs gave out from under me as I kicked my feet, pushing myself across the wooden floor. Tears ran down my face and my chest heaved up and down, numbness taking over my body.

“He was here…” Suddenly, my trauma came back in full force. All the progress I made went down the drain as I felt his disgusting hands all over my body. I can hear my screams in the back of my mind, loud music playing, blurring all the sounds in my head. He used to use me during parties, knowing that no one could hear me. I hit the wall, crying and curling up into a ball, screaming to myself. I stomp on my floor, yelling and hitting myself in the face. I started to bang my head against the wall, trying to knock myself out, not wanting to relive this horrible abuse he put me through.

I just sit there in my room, reliving everything until I finally hit my head hard enough, knocking myself out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital with bandages all over my arms. I had scratched up my arms to a bloody mess and my head busted open. Ethan sat next to me, holding my hand. I could feel that he was trembling and that he was scared as hell. “Eth..?” I call out to him, moving my hand up to his face and caressing his face with my thumb. He looked up and lunged forward, hugging me close to his warm chest.

When we finally calmed down, he told me that I had a severe PTSD attack and busted my own head open. I have 14 stitches in the back of my head. I decided not to say anything about what happened, not wanting to worry him or make him think he has to come stay with me in order for me to be safe. I don’t think I can handle anyone in my house right, I just need my space.

I stayed in the hospital for a few days, dreading the day I had to go back to my apartment. I almost thought about telling Ethan, but I just held my tongue, keeping my back turned to him. I tried not to think about him. I know he was there. He was there. He was inside my apartment, inside my room. What am I going to do?

My home looked the exact same. All my little decorations I had laying around to make my apartment a home, but now it doesn’t feel like home anymore. He knows where I am now and I am not hidden from him anymore. I am sticking out like a sore thumb. He knew where I was... That's the thing that's freaking me out so much. He could take me right now if he wanted too.

I am tired of being under his control. I just wanna be able to protect myself from him and his power. I decide to buy a gun, not that it would do much if he had that suit with him. I wasn't telling Ethan because Tony was said so many times that he will kill him if he helped me get away from him. I rather die trying then have my best friend murdered by my abusive ex-husband. I spend the day pulling out my hair with stress and nervousness. I just sit by my bed, shaking. Eventually night hits and I try to stay awake, but for some reason I am struggling to stay awake. My eyes were falling heavy and my head becoming lightheaded. Maybe I will rest my eyes, but I end up falling asleep by my bed, holding my gun. I let my guard down completely, thinking that he won't come tonight.

Tony's POV

She looks so pretty. And vunerable, even with that gun in her hand. She looks adorable trying to protect herself from me. Did I really cause her to get a gun? Does she think that I am gonna kill her? No no.... I am just gonna draw her back to me.

Stepping out my suit and opening her closet. I toss an empty sleep medicine bottle away. I dumped a bunch of pills in all of her food. She could go without drinking but, eating is a no go. The one thing I know about her is that she doesn't goes a day without eating. So, it was an easy task. I dig into my pocket of my dress pants and pull out a dull needle.A needle full of my sperm.

A twisted smile on my face, I act out my sick plan to get my lover back. Undoing the knot on her pj pants and pulling them over her plush thighs, my dick jumps in my pants seeing her pretty pussy. God, I have missed fucking her to submission, but I can't allow myself to do that and ruin my plan. I push her thighs apart and pushes the dull needle in, gently. Slowly, I inject her. I only do this so she won't know that she is carrying and maybe it'll be too late when she figures out.

She will be drawn back into my life whether she wants to or not. That baby will make sure that she comes back to me.

[ben-marco]

I'm not sure if this is something you can help me with, but I honestly don't know where else to turn. please feel free to ignore or delete this if you aren't the appropriate person to ask or don't feel comfortable answering.

this might get a bit long, I'm sorry.

to be clear, I do not have a history of tbmc or organized abuse, there's no indicators and it makes no sense for the way my childhood was structured. if other parts are to be believed, two of my perpetrators (family members) sa'd me together a few times and covered for each other, but that's as far as it went- if it happened that way. I don't know for certain if it did and don't have enough internal access to verify this. however, there's a possibly related structure within my system that I'm at a loss of how to deal with, and have had very little success with negotiations or compromises with them.

"they" are a hierarchical group of persecutors and gatekeepers who take it upon themselves and work together to lure, trap, and force trauma holders to relive their trauma in a very vivid way, accompanied by matching self harm that they hold their target in co-front for. the lengths they are willing to go to to recreate physical sensations and environmental things like lighting and sounds from our trauma is really, really scary. they've also gotten their hooks in some of the child parts who don't understand how unhealthy this re-enactment is. myself, I don't give a damn if they hurt, I'm an adult and can kind of handle it, but I'm really concerned about the kids. this has been going on for years, on and off, and I can feel us cycling into it again.

the mastermind and his middle management persecutors have made it clear that they believe their function to be necessary (I don't know why or what their function is beyond rubbing salt in the wound) and they seem to take joy in toying with and hurting us. most of the lowest ranking perpetrating parts aren't necessarily willing participants, but they're targeted when they fail to comply and for the most part will fall into line. they're an isolated group from the rest of this layer, and we're already cut off from the majority of the system as is, as well as each other.

I haven't met anyone else with that kind of internal organization beyond OEA survivors I've been friends with in the past, which is why I thought to ask here. again, I don't think I've been programed or conditioned or anything, but I just don't know what to do with this group. is there anything I can do to dismantle them or keep myself and my fellow trauma holders safe? I'm guessing this is a "talk to a therapist" issue, but if there are any resources you are aware of that might help I would be very grateful.

(I really hope this makes sense, I've re-read my words over and over and I think it does? I apologize if it doesn't)

Hi there anon. This is very much a "talk to a therapist" issue as you mentioned, but in the meantime, anything you can do to focus on safety and stabilization would probably be good.

You may also want to look into the literature around persecutors. I have heard people really like the book The Alchemy of Wolves and Sheep, as it takes a very close look at persecutor parts and internal perpetration/retraumatization.

Wishing you and yours all the best-- I know this is not a simple thing to deal with and I hope you can find some good resources and ideally a therapist who can walk through this with you.

[weirdo09]

i know that he’s always lying because my stepdad says that when he has an issues with me, he comes to me. he doesn’t, he goes n rats me out to my momma THEN comes to me. he loves having my momma handling me because she will traumatize me and just act like everything’s fuckin normal. she will treat me like less of a person because I FORGET but ofc he doesn’t understand that because he always leaves it to her. when i need somebody, they always leave. like prime example, he came to me talking about some crumbs, he really acts like those itty bitty crumbs makes me a slob or something. i can’t forget to do anything or just not do it right away LIKE A FUCKING DOG without getting scolded, i’m not a pet i’m not a butler i’m not a fucking caretaker so stop acting like i am

you literally love that my momma verbally abuses me when ya wanna escalate the situation by telling her. YOU MAKE EVERYTHING SUCH A BIG DEAL just to say that it isn’t when my momma already went and verbally abused me n made me cry but you did absolutely nothing. you just sit there or go to another room. don’t you dare say that i can always talk to you or that you love me because you don’t. if you did, you wouldn’t enable my mother TO BEAT ME UP when she found out on her own that i was queer and wanted to date a girl. you wouldn’t enable her to yell at me loud as can be when i don’t do something the first time but you do, you do.

don’t say that you love me and can protect me WHEN YOU CANT EVEN PROTECT ME FROM MY OWN MOTHER she’s hurt me so many times and you know what she does to me because you always say that she’s gonna be aggressive with whatever she does. SHE DOES IT BECAUSE YOU TELL HER SOMETHING AND SHE MAKES IT A BIG DEAL you love that she does that because you don’t actually love me, you just don’t. you were never a father figure to me because you can’t even act like a father to your own children.

you enable the woman in your life that you chose to be with to treat me like shit just because and you let her and expect me to just accept it because she’s my momma. no, no you just hate me being happy and not being your little dog and servant/maid. that’s all, y’all never fucking loved me and it shows. someone who loves you would never just sit there and let you be in pain, suffer alone just to say “i love you but you need to do better.” you act like that’s normal, like my momma’s supposed to beat on me n taking things away because that’s holding me accountable? (her words, not mine) no, holding me accountable would be like telling me what i’m accountable for and helping me register that and move on from it.

all y’all did was traumatize me and make me relive that every goddamn day whether you realize it or not. you don’t want me to have my own life because i’m nothing to you, i’m literally nothing but you only like me because i clean for you, i have to obey your every word and if i don’t do something the first time, my momma has to come in and yell at me because you can’t. you’re literally her enabler, if i told someone have the shit you did, y’all would be in jail and i’d be foster care. but i ain’t gonna do that because my momma made me so nice that i would actually feel a bit sad if i did ever tell someone and the chain events happened.

just know that you’re a part of my trauma, you’re a part of the reason i can’t speak any kind of way without expecting a hit, you’re the reason i can’t even be fully happy because what if the one i love the most in the whole wide world actually sees just how messed up i am and leaves me? you’re the reason i can’t bring myself to trust men older than me, you’re the reason i close my door at night, you’re the reason i’d lock it some nights (can’t now but i feel like he did something) you’re the reason i might lose the one person i care about all because you’re mad about some crumbs i left on the counter and decided to talk to my abuser about it who may or may not take my phone and beat me just because.

good job, replacement …..

[britswriting]

Devotion (20)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of rape, domestic abuse, abortions, parental death 

Smut Warnings: Oral sex (f), anal play/fingering, cream pie, name calling (slut, whore), spit play(?) - idk how many warnings to give. I'm not used to this lol

Half-ass edited because it's 10k words (my bad-) and I'm tired and I'm embarrassed of my smut so I don't wanna relive though lolol bye

*Leighton's POV*

I wanted to watch my sister's abuser's life drain from their eyes as my hands wrapped around their neck as I watched the tears pour down her face as she hid herself from the public.

Every bone in my body wanted to find him and tear him into pieces, but my heart wanted to wrap my sister in a big hug and never let her go.

The metal from the chair scraped against the floorboards as I got up, Lexi's head snapping out of her hands to see what I was doing, quickly being met with my arms wrapping around her, pulling her as best as I could into my chest; working around my bump.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that" I whispered against her hair, my hold tight as she shook in my arms, her hot tears landing on my collarbones.

After a few minutes, I could feel the other consumers stare searing my skin, pulling away to grab our things and drag her out of there as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

 "What about my car?" Her voice cracked, the two of us reaching Colby's SUV.

Colby's been using my car lately, having given me his SUV that he got after he totaled his car; telling me, "You have Gemma most of the time" which didn't make sense since we're only two people, but then he listed all the safety features and practically threw the keys at me, claiming "I like cars better anyway" making me think he bought the SUV for me, and not him; but that's a fight for another day.

"We can come back and get it, let's just get out of here. You deserve to breakdown privately; not in front of nosy coffee shop drinkers''

I drove back to my apartment with my little sister crying next to me, profusely apologizing for breaking down, even though I completely understood the mental torture that came with not only having such thing happen to you, but processing it yourself, and sharing it with someone you're close to. It's a lot.

I unlocked the door to the apartment, slipping off my shoes and setting down my bag as I wandered into the kitchen to grab her something to drink, fetching nearby Kleenex and meeting her on the couch.

Once she pulled herself together and the used Kleenex was thrown away, I decided it was best to emotionally bond with her first. 

"I'm sorry that happened to you" I replied quietly, listening to her sniffles as she wiped under her eyes. "I uh, I'm not bringing this up to make it about me, but to let you know I understand part of what you're feeling. I've been raped before" I stated, my tone numb as I tried to close off that part of my brain. Lexi's eyes lifted from the ground, widening as her lips parted, "Not just once.. or twice. I understand how horrific and violating it feels. I don't know what it feels like to have a loved one do that to you. Gabe and I never had a good relationship.. we didn't have what you and Brennen did, and I'm so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. I'm also so sorry that you had to go through it for so long, and that you were alone. I'm glad you finally told me, and that you think so highly of our relationship that you could share that with me. I just.. I want you to know, I understand; and the reason I never told you, is because you're my baby sister. It isn't that I didn't trust you, or want you to know. It's that my job.. as your older sister, is to protect you from the world. To guide you through life, and I'm very sorry that I've failed to do that for so long" 

"Leighton, you didn't fail me. You told me not to date him" She replied.

"I could've done more" I huffed, picturing Brennen's punch-able face.

"I'm an adult, Leighton. I made a mistake. It's my mess"

"Well it shouldn't have to be your fucking mess!" I snapped, "You shouldn't have to have gone through all this bullshit! You shouldn't have to be put in this place of shitty decision making, and it's bullshit that you can't tell anyone all because of this shitty society! He should've never laid his hands on you, or had non-consensual sex. Lexi, listen to me, and listen to me closely. His shitty actions say nothing about you as a person—"

"I should've left" She interrupted.

My head  shook, "No. His bullshit is not your fault. I don't care if you were in racy lingerie or the baggiest sweatshirt. It isn't your fault that he's an asshole. I'm telling you this to show you I understand, not to put the attention on you or gain sympathy, okay?" I started, Lexi nodding slowly. "Do you remember when I got arrested?" I asked, Lexi's eyes narrowing, nodding. "I was high off my mind and just completely out of it. Of course I didn't comply immediately. I mean, what young girl wants to go to jail?" I chuckled, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat. "I was put in the police car, hands cuffed behind my back and I ended up being sexually assaulted by the officer in the back. His reasoning? It was because I was another drug filled "prostitute" who needed to take it like she deserved if I was going to walk around down in a tank top and shorts"

"Is that why you stopped wearing that?" Lexi asked quietly and I nodded slowly.

"I wore them when I was pregnant because it was fucking hot out and it was part of my therapy. But me being high and wearing shorts and a tight tank top was not a reason for him to do what he did to me and whatever Brennen told you, or whatever scenarios you're playing through in your head has nothing to do with his horrific actions and I'm so incredibly sorry I couldn't protect you from that"

"I'm sorry you've gone through that" She sniffled, wiping under her eyes, my own head shaking again.

"You don't need to apologize. It's been a while, and I've done my trauma work that I've gotten through a lot of that PTSD feelings. I just want you to know that this doesn't break you forever. If you do the work, as hard as it is, one day you can be with someone again. Don't let Brennen ruin relationships for you. Ruin love and happiness that you can find within other people. If I have let every single time someone has done those things to me stop me from proving them wrong, I would've never had Gemma, or met Colby and now be pregnant with our own baby girl" I smiled, my hands rubbing over my stomach; Lexi's eyes lighting up. 

"It's a girl?" She asked and I nodded, Lexi shooting up off the couch to come hug me. "Congratulations, Leighton! So.... have you thought about names?" She grinned, the twinkle shining bright in her eyes.

"It's definitely been a topic of discussion. Why? Do you have any good ones?" 

"Lexi's pretty great" She grinned, my eyes rolling at how cheesy and cliche that was.

"I only have room for one Lexi in my life" 

"Oh but you have room for two Gemma's?"

"I don't know about you, but I call mom, mom" I teased, smirking before giggling when Lexi's eyes rolled.

Lexi and I talked a bit about my pregnancy and the comparisons I've noticed between Gemma and this baby before she suggested baby names, finally asking the million dollar question, "Whose last name is she going to have?"

"Brock. If I'm going to marry Colby, I'd like her to have his last name. Colby's a lot more involved than Gabriel ever was"

Lexi's eyebrow raised, "You guys are still getting married?" 

My own furrowed in response, "What?"

"I haven't heard anything about a wedding"

"We haven't planned one"

"See"

"See, what?"

"See, this is why I thought you weren't getting married"

"We're engaged? We're moving into a house together? We're having a kid together?" 

"I didn't mean to offend you. I just didn't know you guys were still going through with it"

"Kay, well, you've been preoccupied with breathing trash" I huffed, pushing myself up out of the chair, practically panting as I wobbled on my feet.

Lexi reached forward to stable me, my glare quickly stopping her actions as she muttered, "Just trying to help"

"I'm pregnant. There is a lot of disproportionate weight. I wobble. I'm fine"

I heard the front door click open as I walked into the kitchen, Colby and Gemma's voices bringing a smile to my face up until I heard Colby's odd tone as he greeted my sister.

I quickly moved to stand in the archway of the kitchen, seeing Gemma hugging my sister and Colby giving her a weird look, before looking over at me with a squinted gaze mouthing, "What's she doing here?"

I waved him off, painting a smile on my face as I walked over to greet him, giving him a quick kiss before asking if Gemma was hungry.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked Lexi, Gemma immediately pleading, tugging on Lexi's clothes.

The five of us wounded up seated at the kitchen table, Colby scooping dinner onto Gemma's plate whilst I filled her cup with milk.

I felt Lexi's eyes on us both as we moved around the kitchen, bumping into each other a few times making the two of us chuckle as I blamed our unborn child for messing with my depth perception.

Colby and I finally sat down, Colby tucking Gemma's napkin into her shirt making me grin out of amusement.

"Well don't you look proper Gem" I teased.

"Wook silly" Gemma complained, taking the napkin out, throwing it back at Colby who gasped.

"Gemma" My tone disapproving, "We don't throw things. What do you say to Coco?"

 "Sorry, Coco" She mumbled, Colby kissing the top of her head as an  accepted apology.

Dinner felt awkward with Lexi just quietly watching, barely contributing to our table talk.

Colby got Gemma ready for bed as I put leftovers away, Lexi helping me clean up the dishes since it was getting harder to bend over and load the dishwasher.

"Gemma's waiting for a goodnight hug and kiss before letting her lids close" Colby informed, his hand against my back as he moved behind me.

I nodded, drying my hands on the dishrag before making my way to Gemma's bedroom.

"Mommy?" Her little tired voice spoke, melting my heart.

"Hi baby. Coco get you ready for bed?"

"Mhm"

"Have a nice warm bath? Brush your teeth? Nice comfy jammies?" I checked, Gemma nodding as she rolled over in her blankets. "You're getting so big baby" I sighed, carefully sitting down on the floor next to her toddler bed. "Was it nice seeing Auntie Lexi?"

"Yes! Missed her"

"Yeah? Mommy missed her too. You're going to sleep so good for momma, right? Have the best-est dreams ever! So good that you tell me about them in the morning, okay?" I kissed her forehead, Gemma giggling with a nod. "Coco and I will be in our room if you need us, okay? If you hear weird noises, momma gets up to go potty in the middle of the night, okay? Nothing to be scared of. Just your little sister making me have to pee" I reassured her, remembering that toddlers start to enter a fearful period of sleeping in the dark. "Do you want the noise machine on?" I asked, grunting as I got up, feeling a pull in my back as my weight shifted to stabilize my hips.

"Yes, peas"

I clicked it on, listening to the woosh sound before clicking on her night light.

"All good?" I questioned, picking up her dirty clothes with my feet, carefully reaching for them with my hand before tossing them into her hamper.

"Yes!"

"Alright lovebug. You have the best dreams ever, okay? Sleep so well for me so you can have fun at tumbling tomorrow. I love you so much, bug" I smiled, Gemma squeezing her stuffed cow.

"Wove you, momma"

"Love you more, Gemma Lorraine. Sleep well. I'll be in my room if you need me, okay?" I reminded for the last time, Gemma nodding as she shut her eyes, allowing me to slip out, leaving the door cracked so she could wander out if she needed.

"She go down?" Colby asked, myself nodding, taking a seat on the couch where Lexi was. "I'm going to go shower" Colby informed, already walking down the hall before I could reply.

"Thanks for helping clean up. I appreciate it. Things are starting to get a lot harder as this belly grows" I sighed.

"It was no problem. Least I could do. I uh, sorry if this is uh.. crossing a line? But uh, do you regret having Gemma so young? I mean, um.. like.. if you could redo it and still have the same daughter, would you in hindsight want to be older?"

"I think everyone who has kids young would say so. It's really personal preference and what your situation looks like. Obviously, if you're well off and can swing it, I don't see why it would be an issue unless you didn't want kids. Is this because you're expecting, or?" 

"You and Colby just seem like you have it all together and I just.. I can't see myself like this. Having a child depend on me. A family so young.. I just.." she paused.

"Lex, if you don't want it, no one says you have to. There are a lot of choices. If it isn't abortion, there's adoption. If you want to go through the pregnancy, and not have the baby, you can always put it up for adoption"

"But can I really go through life knowing my kid is just out there somewhere possibly one day looking for me?"

"I can't give my opinion here Lex. I didn't go through with that and I'm not saying you have to follow my footsteps, but I didn't see myself having Gemma so young either and even after all we've been through, I love that little bug more than I could've ever thought. That doesn't mean my story will also be yours. It's your body, your life, your choice, Roo. Look, just stay here tonight. It's getting late, we'll get your car tomorrow. Guest room is all yours and we can make your doctor appointment tomorrow. Talk to the professionals. Hear them out. Discuss options, worries etcetera. That's what they're there for"

I said goodnight to Lexi after making sure she had everything she needed, and knew where the dishware, extra toilet paper and spare toothbrushes were before crawling into bed naked.

"Well hello there" Colby grinned, leaning over to kiss me. "Did I miss the memo? Isn't your sister down the hall?"

"Shut up, I need to buy more sleep clothes and my nipples are sensitive , I don't want stuff touching them — You lick or touch them I'll castrate you!" I warned, Colby holding his hands up in defense as I shifted the comforter to sit under my bare chest.

"So you're just going to have your boobs on display and I can't touch?"

"You can look" I grinned, leaning over to plug my phone in before rolling back onto my side so I could breathe. "I'm starting to hit that point where I can't wait to get this girl out of me. I miss laying on my back and being able to breath. Or bend over and not be out of breathe"

"Just a few more months, babe"

"I know" I sighed, my eyes falling shut. "Speaking of, we need to find a new house so I'm not bringing my baby home to no nursery and an apartment filled of boxes"

"You haven't told me where you want to live"

"Lies!" I gasped, my eyes opening again, "I suggested we go back to Minnesota, I just am nervous to pull us away from everyone we know" I frowned.

"Leigh, we've gotta start doing things for ourselves"

"But!" I whined, Colby's head tilting, ready to test me, "Ugh!" I groaned, "I just, your family finally moved closer to us, and we'd be moving right back near where they just  left! And my moms dying and I can't just abandon my dad, and Lexi's finally back and I just... I feel like I'm abandoning everyone"

"Leighton, we can stay here"

"But I don't want to stay here!" I whined, stuffing my face into my pillow before I started to not be able to breath, shifting back, "I don't know what I want. I just don't want to bring my baby home into chaos. I want to do this right"

"Leighton, baby, we've got time. If moving to Minnesota is going to make you happy, then let's start looking at houses there. If anything, we can always move back in with your aunt and uncle until we have a house"

I groaned, wishing I would've pulled my shit together a lot sooner.

The next few days, I felt like I was running around like a chicken with their head cut off as I continued to figure out the housing situation with Colby, having to get in contact with Aunt Melissa about us visiting to go house hunting (She doesn't know the latter though), arguing with my dad about taking my mom off life support, and hurrying to meet Lexi at the hospital as her emotional support system for the chaos that is her being pregnant.

I stayed in the waiting room, wanting to give Lexi privacy to talk about anything she wanted without prying eyes and ears, anxiously awaiting her to come out as I got comments from different expecting moms asking me if I was due around the corner due to my belly size.

Instead of yelling that I'm not due next week, I just smiled and nodded, keeping my thoughts - and hands to myself, exhaling a breath of relief as Lexi walked back into the waiting room over to the front desk.

Once she came back to me, I offered a smile and pushed myself out of the chair, grunting when my hips brushed against the sides.

Stupid hospital chairs.

"Hey! How'd it go?"

"It went.. well. I'm definitely pregnant"

"Is that.. a good thing?" I asked carefully, Lexi sighing. "Bad then? I'm sorry" I apologized, confused when she shook her head.

"Just means I have important decisions to make"

"That you do. Are you coming back to mom and dads?" 

"Yeah. Gotta fight with you about this mom situation"

"Yeah.. I think I'm going to lose the war though" I sighed, praying I didn't let my emotions start to spiral too much. "Are you going to tell mom and dad about the uh.. situation?"

Lexi immediately disagreed, "Not unless I'm keeping it"

~

"Leighton, if you're here to fight with me, it's too late" My dad warned, pouring cereal into a bowl for Gemma.

"Too late?!" My voice shrieked. 

"The dates have been set" he stated, sounding so heartless it was mind boggling.

"Excuse me?"

"October 14th-"

"THAT'S IN A WEEK?!" I shouted, Gemma looking over at me, quickly reminding me little ears are around. "Dad-"

"Leighton. We can't keep prolonging it. She's not getting any better honey"

"Why can't you just keep her on life support?" I argued, my dad sighing.

"Because it's expensive Leighton"

"So, what? Mom isn't worth it?" I scoffed, my dad shooting me a warning look that I've seen one too many times.

"Leighton Rae, your mother is the love of my life. It kills me to do this, but watching her suffer isn't how I wanted things to go. She isn't getting any better. We're only prolonging her pain, and our grief. I hate this just as much as you do, but Leighton, it's happening one day or another. A week gives everyone to stay their goodbyes and for the nurses to prepare things and for me to start calling funeral homes-"

"Funeral homes?! Are you hearing yourself!"

"What's a fune-rel 'ome?" Gemma asked, the words sounding out of place from her little mouth.

"It's a place where family and friends go to show their loved and appreciation for the love ones they can't see anymore" I replied, dancing around the word death.

"Leighton, I'm telling, not asking. I'm hoping you'll act like an adult now that you are one" He raised a brow at me, his face full of disapprovement as I let out a harsh exhale through my nose.

A week wasn't long enough for me to say goodbye. Not only was I not the only one who had to say goodbye, meaning I'd have to share my precious time, but it wasn't welcomed! 

I already felt bad for always being up in her room, away from my own little family, but now with the thoughts of moving away from they'll all need me, I felt insanely selfish.

I laid in my parents bed, my hand grasping my mom's boney one as tears quietly streamed down my face as I tried to memorize this moment. I didn't want to waste a single second. 

I slowly pulled myself together, wiping the salty tears off of my cheeks, jaw, neck and lips before placing my moms hand on my belly, taking in the sight.

She'll never meet my baby.

My little girl will never know her grandmother.

My mother will never see me get married, or move into my first house, or live happily ever after like she wanted. She'll only know me as the mess that has always been my life. Her daughter is a walking talking hurricane, who can't make up her mind to save her life. She'll never see me finally flourish, or watch her grandchildren start to live her life. I feel like I'm losing her before my life ever really began.

"That's your grandbaby, mom" I smiled softly, moving her hand against my stomach. "Maybe she'll kick for us. Little one, can you say hi to Nonna?" I cooed, my own hand caressing the side of my stomach. Every once in a while there would be a flutter, but it wasn't too often that I felt them.

"Mommy! Nonna!" Gemma squealed, running into the room and crawling up onto the bed. 

"And that's your other grandbaby, mom" I giggled, quickly reminding Gemma to be careful. "Want to put your hand on mommy's belly?" I asked, Gemma moving to straddle my leg, placing her palms on my clothed stomach. "Feel silly?" I giggled, Gemma nodding.

"Baby inside?"

"Mhm. Your little sister is in here. You excited to meet her?"

The next few days family members came in and out throughout the days, each night ending with Colby and I sitting with Logan and my dad in their room, helping the night nurse bathe my mom and brush through her hair, rubbing the lotion onto her skin and making sure there were no kinks in her cords.

Lexi stood in the doorway and I quickly slipped out of the room, giving her privacy only to peek in a few hours later, seeing her painting polish on my moms nails, talking to her softly.

"Hey" Colby's soft voice startled me, his hands wrapping around my waist, "Whatcha doing?" 

"Watching"

"Creeping?" He teased, pressing his thumbs into my shoulder blades, working out the tight muscles.

"It just feels weird watching everyone start to get ready to say goodbye. It feels wrong"

"Because it is wrong, Leigh. Your moms still young. You're still young. It isn't time yet, but sadly, we don't get to pick life's timeline" 

"I hate knowing there's a deadline" I shifted in his hold, shoving my face into his chest. "I feel like I'm running out of time. Like I haven't finished the checklist yet"

"What checklist?"

"Ya know, like your life bucket list?"

"Bucket list? For your mom?" His lips twitched slightly, holding back a smirk as I hit his chest.

"You can't make fun of your fiancé who's losing her mom! It's against the rules! And yes, a bucket list pre se. I just, I never imagined getting married without my mom. I never imagined having kids, and my mom not being there whenever I needed her. I just.. I feel like I'm failing"

"You're not failing, baby. You're doing life at your pace. You're not even 30 yet. Losing your mom sooner than you imagined, doesn't make you a failure. It fucking sucks and that's the understatement of the year, but you're far from a failure. We both know how proud she is of you. Getting married won't change that. Buying a house won't change it"

"But.. she won't be there. The only memories I'll have are her absence in such huge milestones of my life—wait-"

"What?"

"I said wait, you asshole!" I laughed, pulling away from him, "Do you have plans, say, two days from now?" I asked, Colby giving me a weird look.

"Plans? You're looking at them"

"Great! So you're free!" 

"What? Leighton Rae, what is going on inside that head of yours?"

"Thoughts on us getting married?" I asked, butterflies swirling in my stomach as my heart started to beat just a little quicker.

"I proposed, didn't I? Or was that just some dream only I had?"

"No, no. You proposed" I wiggled my ring at him. "What if we eloped?"

"Eloped?! Are you out of your damn mind?" He whispered-yelled.

"What? Why? What's wrong with eloping?"

"Since when have you ever wanted to elope?"

"Since my mother is dying!" I harshly whispered back, Colby's head shaking.

"We're not eloping"

"What? Why!"

"Because! We're not speeding along our story all because you're scared"

"But my mom's dying, Colby!"

"I know, but you're not thinking clearly right now"

"So what, your mom can come to our wedding and mine can't?" I glared, Colby taking a deep breath.

"That isn't what I said"

"It's insinuated! I mean, my mom won't be alive anymore so what's the fucking point, huh? As long as Colby and his mom get there happily ever after! Screw Leighton and her hopes and dreams right?" I grumbled, Colby withholding a smirk.

"Are you done yet?"

"No! I mean, what's so wrong with eloping? We can do it in front of my mom! Then she'll have witnessed our wedding, knowing it actually happened! I won't have to live with the fact that she wasn't there—"

"What about our real wedding?" He interrupted. 

"Our real wedding?" 

"Yeah, you know, the one with the dress and tux, and the cake and the flowers. All the extravagant bullshit that's going to milk our bank account. What about that one? She'll still miss out on that one"

"Way to ruin the mood, asshole!" I yelled, shoving past him as best as I could, grousing to myself as I had to slowly walk down the stairs. I could feel him standing behind me, almost mocking me for having to wait for my disruptive outburst to finish as I moved at snail speed down the staircase. "I can feel your smirk" I hissed, Colby chuckling as he replied, "I have no smirk"

"Liar"

"Would I lie to you?" He asked, my hand tightening as I looked over my shoulder.

"Yes"

I walked out to the patio, Colby right behind me, much to my dismay.

"Leighton, can we talk about why you want to elope other than the fact your mom is dying?"

We both sat down on the patio chairs, my feet aching as I stretched out my foot.

"I just.. I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to miss out on these things, and I thought weddings weren't important to you?"

"They weren't"

"Weren't? As in past tense?" I cocked an eyebrow, watching him uncomfortably shift in his chair.

"Mhm"

"What changed?"

He turned to look over at me, "You're joking, right?" 

"What? No. Why?"

"Leighton, fell head over heels in love with you. That tends to change some things"

"Like weddings?" I asked, resisting the urge to pinch myself to find out if I'm dreaming.

"Like weddings."

"You want to have a wedding now?"

"I want to have a wedding now" His cheeks were pink as He looked away from me; the grin on my face made my cheeks hurt as I carefully got out of the car.

"Move forward" I stated, "In the chair" I clarified, Colby giving me a look before shifting forward.

I carefully straddled his thighs, Colby's hands immediately holding my hips, murmuring, "Careful, careful. What are you doing?"

"Straddling my fiancé"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but uh, your cute little bump takes up most of the room. I don't want you to fall off in this small chair"

"Hey!" 

"I said don't take it the wrong way!"

"Yeah, just because you say don't be offended doesn't make it not offensive! If I recall, you made me this way"

"Mhm, and I'm damn proud of it too" He grinned, leaning forward to kiss me.

"You want a wedding" I mumbled against his lips, Colby kissing me again before humming "I do"

"Save it for the wedding" I joked, giggling as he kissed down my jaw to my neck. "No hickies! My dad will murder you! I'll murder you!"

"You're no fun" He pouted.

"That's what happens when you knock them up. They're moody, and grumpy, and sore, and have to look respectable. I can't look respectable with a bruise on my neck from my lover"

"I prefer the term fiancé" He spoke softly.

"Sorry, fiancé" I giggled, finally moving off his lap, starting to get uncomfortable. "So is that a uh, no on the elopement?" I asked, adjusting my shirt back over my bump.

"What will us eloping do for you?"

"It'll give me a memory of us getting married with my mom still alive"

"Will it alter your feelings of her not being there at our actual wedding?" He asked, leaning forward in the chair, his eyes locked on me.

"I don't know" I confessed, "I just, I want a memory of her being there. Her being involved. A bride's mother is supposed to be involved. Now I'll have no one"

"You won't have no one, Leighton"

"But I won't have my mother"

"Will you be upset that we eloped, even if your mom was alive for it and it not be the wedding we now both imagined?" He asked, carefully treading the water that is our future.

"I don't know, Colby. I just know I don't have a lot of time to think about it" 

"I just don't want you to regret such a big decision, Leighton. I don't think rushing this will change your memories or feelings about when the time comes. I strongly think you'll still have wished she was there, rather than just replacing the memory with an impromptu elopement — I'd love to get married to you whenever; I just don't want you to regret anything. I know you wish you could have a longer time with your mom and that everything could go to plan and I'm sorry you're losing her" he apologized, my lower lip becoming sore due to my gnawing as I tried to push down the bubbling emotions.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye" I whimpered, hating the way my voice cracked; the emotion breaking through.

"Do you want a hug?" He asked, opening his arms for me. I hesitated before slowly nodding, walking into his embrace. 

"Sorry for always crying" I pathetically giggled, relaxing into his embrace as I let out a sigh of contentment. "I know it's annoying"

"Babe, if crying is how you process things, then it isn't annoying. I'd rather you cry than bottle it up like I do" He reassured, kissing the top of my head before squeezing me closer to him. "Plus, I think it's justifiable to cry when your mom is dying" he teased, my head lifting from his chest as my smile broadened. 

My hands moved around his neck to pull him closer whilst I stepped onto my tip-toes, pressing my lips into his for a few moments before pulling away.

"Thank you for being here with me; I don't know how'd I'd go through this without you"

The sound of the glass door sliding open caused our heads to turn, Lexi slipping out as she closed it behind her.

"Am I interrupting?" She asked, her tone making my brow furrow.

"No...? What's wrong?"

"I uh, can uh.. we um.. talk? Please?"

Colby tossed me a look as I slowly nodded, Colby excusing himself, entering the house as Lexi took his seat.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes!" She quickly stated before sighing, "No.., I don't know!" She exclaimed, "I just.. it's all happening so fast!" She panicked, a smile tugging at my lips as I watched her freak.

It was like watching my younger self sit right in front of me.

"Lexi?"

"Yeah?"

"Breathe" I exhaled, coaching her through a quick deep breathing exercise. "What's wrong?"

"What isn't wrong?!" She freaked, "Why are you grinning?"

"Because" I chuckled, Lexi huffing.

"Because why? This isn't funny"

"It's a little funny"

"How?!"

"Because you sound just like me" I giggled. "Lex, no one knows what's going on right now. Nothing feels right; it all feels fucked up. It's not just you"

"But I'm pregnant" She whined, my lips pursing as I nodded.

"Yeah, I know how that feels" 

"I don't know what to do" She exhaled, slumping back in the chair.

"About what?"

"About the baby, Brennen, mom, you"

"Me?" My voice peaked.

"Yeah"

"What about me? What did I do?"

"Nothing. I just.." I watched her throat swallow before she quietly whispered, "I'm just like you, aren't I?"

Oh.

I frowned, "Just like me?"

"Pregnant, scared, alone.." she trailed off, my jaw tightening.

"I am not alone" I argued, not having a valid point for the first two.

"The first time" She clarified.

"Okay, well, I figured it out, didn't I? I worked, I got a room, I had the baby, I did the damn thing. Why do you sound like being like me is some sort of shameful confession?"

"I never wanted to be like you" She said quietly, my face burning like her hand slapped me.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want you to be like me either; but here we are. You know, you're not the first scared, alone, young, pregnant woman to ever exist! If you want the baby, you figure it out. If you don't want the baby, there are options. All I've done is try to be helpful towards you, and all you have in return is "I never wanted to be like you"?" I altered my voice, mocking her before crossing my arms over my boobs.

"I just meant I saw you struggle. I saw what happened; I don't want that, Leighton"

"Then there are options! And Lexi, I wasn't just struggling because I had a newborn. There were a lot more factors to the equation than late night feedings and diaper changes sending me for a spiral. You cannot take my suffering at face value for what having a baby at a young age will mean for you. I'm an addict. I struggle with that. I had relationship problems with everyone. I struggled keeping a job, I struggled to pay rent sometimes. Everything was up in the air all the time because I struggled. Day in, day out, I struggled; and I still do. Even the hard days with Gemma, I would never change it. The days I want to relapse, I don't look at her face and think "You're the reason I'm sober". Some days, she's the reason I want to drink, or smoke, or snort something and that's the reality of struggling and having an addiction. You love them to pieces, but sometimes, they're the reason you want something to calm you down. You can have wine at the end of a hard day. You can wind down, relax, and start over tomorrow. I don't get to do that Lexi. My struggle is not the same. You may be pregnant, and we may be sisters, but you don't have the same rocky path I do; or, at least I hope not?" My head tilted, my eyes narrowed as I tried to read her faceless expression.

"I don't" She verified, and I just nodded, knowing that even if she did, the likeness of telling me was slim.

"You need to understand that this child is a lifelong commitment. Whether someone is by your side or not, he or she is yours and I hope that you never have to worry about CPS coming to your door. I hope you never have to call someone to babysit your child for two weeks whilst you're in rehab - but Lexi, if you do, I want that person to be me. I want to be in your corner, whether you have this baby or not. If you want an abortion, I'll be there if you'd like. If you want an adoption, I'll help you look into agencies, if you want to keep it, I'll help you any way I can, but... I don't want you to see that being pregnant at a young age is identical to what I went through. My shit was a completely different beast. It'll be hard, and shit will never make sense, but... Lex, you're not alone.. and" my voice quivered as my eyes filled with tears, "I really.. I really need you.. to hear me.. when I say that, because.. because hearing you're not alone.. when it.. god, sorry" I exhaled, sniffling, taking a deep breath and rolling out my shoulder blades, I tried again, "Hearing you're not alone, when it feels like you against the world.. just.. it feels like you can breathe again" I felt my sinuses start to burn as I withheld the tears from cascading down my face, glancing away out of embarrassment for showcasing my raw emotion; I placed my hand over my chest, "I finally had someone tell me it wasn't just me" feeling my throat swallow the built up emotion as my vision blurred, "And I finally felt like I had a team behind me, and to.. to.." I swallowed again, sniffling, "To have someone in your corner.. to have support? It changes your view on life. On.. on your choices. I.. I wanted to maybe abort G, or give her up.. but I had these voices in my ear telling me I could do it. These people who were down to help whenever I needed, telling me.. telling me that" I sniffled again, wiping under my eye to quickly catch the escaping tear, "Telling me that I wasn't alone, and they.. they were there to help. Gemma wouldn't be with us today if it wasn't for them. I need you to know at the end of the day, whenever you need it, I'm here to help and I love you no matter what choice you make for the baby" the tears finally flowed, my hand struggling to keep up with the cascading emotion as the memories of Sam and Colby played through my head like an old movie on film.

Lexi was quiet as I pulled myself together, licking her lips before looking up at me.

"I feel guilty" She confessed, licking her lips again.

"About?"

"I think.." she paused, glancing down at the concrete for a moment before back up at me, "I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can be pregnant, knowing what it's from. Who it's from. Birth a baby and have them live with the fact that they're a product of such a horrific situation. Look into their eyes and just.. just know what I'm looking at. I'm terrified it will never go away. The thought, the 24/7 replay in my brain that this child is a child of rape, and not love.. feels.. feels so wrong! And.. and.. and volatile! But I feel so guilty for having the word abortion float around in my head because I know that isn't what mom would want. That isn't how I was raised.. and the idea of this baby being babies is terrifying! But every time I look at my stomach, and think about it growing, and giving birth, and raising that baby... all I can think about is how I got here" She spiraled, her shoulders tensing as she sat upright, "I'm losing myself, I'm losing mom, I'm losing my family and my friends and I'm possibly going to lose this baby that I don't even know if I'll regret! 12 weeks is a short amount of time to make such a big decision!" 

"You're not losing yourself, you're just finding a new version" I repeated the words that I've heard one too many times from my therapist. "And Lex, the way you're phrasing possibly aborting the baby tells me you already know you'll regret it; even if you don't know that yet. You can't lose something you've never had. You have one, and if you were okay with willingly giving it up, or away, I don't think you'd be losing it so much as gaining something else instead and hey, you don't want to look like this?" I motioned to my belly, wiggling my hips as I pointed at it before wincing, my hand moving to my back as Lexi laughed at my miserly.

"Yeah, nothing better than tripling your weight, constantly being in pain and always needing to pee" She sarcastically replied, my smile broadening.

"Don't forget the vomiting!"

"Ah, yes! The selling point!" 

We both laughed, my cheeks tight from my smile, "You know, the real selling point is the baby, right? All of this is worth it because you get a baby at the end" 

"Didn't you just tell me your daughter wanted to make you smoke and drink?"

I laughed, "Yes, but the cute I love you's and watching them grow is what I meant! I mean, you've seen G and when she isn't crying or screaming, isn't she just adorable?"

"That feels like a trick question" She snickered, the feelings of butterflies in my stomach made me giggle as I placed my hand over the feeling. "Plus, if I kept the baby, what would I do about Brennen?"

"Just don't tell him. Colby hasn't seen him in forever. Just tell people you don't want him to know" I shrugged, Lexi glaring at me.

"How are you so nonchalant about this?"

"Because if I'm not nonchalant I'll leave to go smash his face in with my fist. Plus, even if you did tell him, doesn't mean he'll stay. This baby is inside of you and as much as it sucks, it is yours whether he pays child support or not" I shrugged again, taking a seat due to my hips starting to hurt.

"Did Gabe pay?"

"Pay what? Child support?" I questioned, Lexi nodding; "At times. He's in med school, so there were times I didn't get it and he's been trying to make up for it. All of it goes towards Gemma and leftover shit stays in a G bank account so if I need it for her when I'm in a pinch, or if she grows up, she has it. It's hers"

Lexi and I watched the sunset over the horizon, pretty oranges and yellows masking the sky above the tall green trees as we discussed baby's and life with a newborn turned toddler. 

It felt so weird to sit in the backyard, talking to my baby sister about her having a baby. I felt like I popped into the middle of the fourth season of a TV show; completely clueless and fumbling the clue card pieces together.

 "Just know, it's your choice to make. You're making the right choice for you right now, not you in the future. If you keep it, great. We're all down to help. You see them all with G. You should know you'll be okay, and if you chose to not have the baby, that's your right now choice. You can't regret it later just because your future changed and hey, maybe you'll never regret it. The future till tell you, but you have to make the smart choice for you right now. Not you in three to five years, or ten years down the line. Forget Brennen and his shitty placement in it. Think about this baby being a baby, and not a reminder of what happened and if you truly can't get over the idea of it, there are always open adoptions" I reminded her, Lexi and I wrapping up due to Gemma's bedtime approaching.

Slipping on Gemma's shoes whilst Colby double checked that we had everything left a buzzing feeling in the back of my mind; an overwhelming thought of leaving Lexi and my mom in time of need washed an immense feeling of guilt all over me as we backed out of the driveway.

"You're quiet" Colby noted, his hand on my knee, squeezing softly.

I could feel his eyes on me as I leaned against the cool glass window, watching the world go by as we drove home.

"Just thinking"

"You're always thinking" he hummed softly, cluing me in on the fact Gemma was falling asleep in the backseat. 

"There's a lot to think about" I replied quietly, hearing him chuckle softly. 

"Want to share with the class?"

Do I tell him Lexi's pregnant? Do I tell him what Brennen did? Is that crossing some sort of sister line?

"Not right now" I chose before I could fully think it through, Colby's questioning gaze burning a hole in the side of my head from his quick glance.

"Is it something bad?" He asked.

Is it?

I mean, yeah.. but.. not for me?

How do I answer this?

"Just complex. It doesn't concern me though, so I don't know if I can share. Lexi has a lot going on right now, and I feel like I'm slowly getting my sister back and I don't want to ruin it by telling you something I shouldn't"

We both quietly did our night time routine.

Colby placed Gemma in bed, me starting the dishwasher and sanitizing the counters before we both met in the bathroom to brush our teeth.

Colby spat out his toothpaste, running his hands under the water before drying them on the towel.

He stared at me for a second through the mirror, discomfort making my muscles tense as I paused brushing my teeth, tiling my head.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked, my eyes squinting before nodding, leaning over to spit out the toothpaste and run the water over the toothbrush.

"I'm fine, Colby. Promise. Well, besides my back murdering me" I chuckled, Colby immediately moving behind me, pushing his thumbs into my sore muscles releasing a relieved moan from me; this hand pushing in on my lower back.

"I've missed the sound of you moaning, it's been a while" He hummed, his lips finding my neck, my head resting back against his chest as I relished in the physical attention.  

"I'm sorry I've been so absent with you" I sighed, "I'm struggling to juggle all these life events that keep getting chucked at me. It doesn't help that everything hurts. I swear this pregnancy is going to murder my body by the end of it"

"You've always struggled unloading some of your plate on someone else. I'm use it, Leigh baby" He snickered, pressing a kiss on my upper back, just below my neck.

"If we go easy on my back, I might be willing to end our celibacy" I watched him through the mirror, biting my lower lip then giggling when his head whipped up with wide eyes.

"You serious?"

"I mean, it has been a while and all your kisses are making my vagina remember just how good it felt having you back on it, and in it" I smiled, my hand finding his, pulling his hand down to my crotch, slipping him inside of my underwear to feel the warmth and wetness accumulate.

I could hear the quiet groan he let out as he melted into my back; his chin resting on my shoulder as his fingers began to play with my crease and folds before spreading me and teasing my center.

I quietly moaned as I felt his middle finger go in a slow circular motion around my opening, desperately wanting him to indulge.

"Fuck, that feels good" I exhaled, my eyes falling shut as he did it again, pathetically panting like a bitch in heat as he toyed with me.

"I've missed this" Colby murmured, his lips finding my neck against, sucking and licking at me.

"I swear if you leave a mark there-" I started to threaten, only to gasp when Colby shoved two fingers into me, my sore, tight muscles contracting and burning a little as he stretched me open.

"God, you're so fucking tight" he groaned, pulling a mewl out of me. "It's been a while since I've stretched this perfect pussy, hasn't it?" he hummed, my head nodding slowly as my body weight fully leaned against his back.

I could feel his erection start to stiffen against my ass, Colby rutting against me softly as he pumped his fingers.

"You are not getting me off by dry humping me, I swear to god if you cum and you're not inside of me- Oooh" I whined, feeling another hand slip under the waistband of my shorts and cup my ass, his finger brushing up and down the crease of my ass, teasing me.

"You want it, baby?" He teased, a slightly louder moan making me bite down hard on my lip, feeling his fingers work me as his thumb brushed against my clit, his other hand squeezing my bare ass. "Should we get rid of these shorts before you wreck them? Hm?" 

"Fuck, Colby" I groaned, his fingers leaving my skin as he pulled down my shorts and underwear, exposing me under the harsh bathroom light. 

"You're so beautiful baby" he cooed, his hand rubbing my ass before slapping it, a gasp leaving my lips as my hips spread for him, my hands grabbing the counter.

"As hot as this is Colby, I've got a bowling ball in here. I can't lean against the counter if you want to spank me. We have to move to the bedroom or it's getting cut short" I informed, feeling my body want to fall against the counter top as my body craved his and the weight of my belly reminded me gravity exists.

Colby grabbed my hand, pulling me into our bedroom, flipping on the side lamp as I carefully crawled onto the bed, Colby placing a few pillows for me to elevate myself before he turned on some music, placing it on the dresser next to the door to try and help drown out our noises.

I leaned on all fours against the pillows, relief on my muscles being a welcomed feeling.

"Comfy?" He asked, myself humming as I rocked on my knees a little. "How sore do you want to be?" He questioned, the bed dipping behind me, the feeling of his bare legs against mine as he leaned forward on my back, moving my shirt up, exposing my skin to him, placing kisses against the skin.

"Nothing extreme. I'm already in pain as it is. Pain isn't pleasure when you're pregnant" I chuckled, shifting slightly so my hands were in front of me, relieving the weight from my elbows.

Colby placed his hand on the middle of my back, slowly moving down to my ass before rubbing the tender skin and spanking me a few more times.

The feeling of his warm breath on the hot skin made me squirm, panting out of need and annoyance of being quiet.

His fingers traced over the crease of my ass before moving down to my vagina, spreading my labia with his fingers, my moan being drowned out by my face in the pillow as he licked at me.

"Oh my god" I groaned, pushing back against him as his tongue lapped at my clit and his fingers slowly pushed back into me, moving in and out at a snail's pace.

"You're getting so wet, baby" He groaned, licking from my opening all the way to my clit, his tongue circling around the sensitive nerves before going back down to my opening.

"Colby!" I shrieked, feeling his tongue press against my asshole. "I— oh my god" I groaned, my cheeks flushing pink as his finger prodded at the tight muscle. 

His finger came back down to my opening, pushing in and doing a circular motion against the muscles, collecting my wetness before pushing back again at the tight ring of muscle holding protest of his entry.

"You're getting so fucking wet, Leighton. You love the idea of me playing with your asshole, don't you baby? Getting all wet and fucked out for me. Looking so fucking pretty and needy as I play with your pulsating holes. Fuck," he hissed,  "You look gorgeous, babe. One second, I'm grabbing the lube" He communicated, abandoning my helpless and needy body.

I heard the bottle pop open, the anticipation growing as my eyes fell shut, awaiting the blissful feeling that was my soon to be husband.

"Ready?" He questioned, my head nodding as I exhaled.

"Yes" I finally answered, catching my breath as I tried to relax for him after repositioning my body, feeling my left hip muscle pull in my back.

Colby's slender, lubed up fingers slowly pushed into my ass; I took deep inhales and exhales as I tried to stay calm, wanting to feel him in me.

His fingers very slowly started to scissor his fingers, opening me up for him.

"It feels weird" I giggled, wiggling slightly, causing me to push back against him, a low grumble leaving my throat before I gasped, "Fuck, that feels good. Wait-" I slowly rocked my hips into him, loving the feeling of his finger moving in and out of me. "God, that's good" I groaned, ignoring his chuckle. "We've got to do this when I'm not pregnant and my knees aren't wanting to chop my head off" I snickered, repositioning again, only to feel Colby's fingers leave me again.

"Flip over, baby"

"I can't lay on my back, Colby"

"Mhm, I know. We'll prop you up so I can make you comfortably cum" He teased, helping me move onto my back, pillows behind me, giving me a better view of him in all his glory.

"You're so fucking hard" I noted, feeling my muscles clench around nothing, "Please, fuck me, Colby" I started to whine, the need becoming unreal.

"Are you turning into a pretty little slut for me? Begging for my cock? It's been so long, hasn't it baby girl" He coaxed, crawling up onto the bed, his hand wrapping around his erection, giving a few tugs before swiping his head through my folds.

"Jesus christ, Colby!" I yelled, the tip of his penis pushing up against my clit.

"Feel good, baby?" He did it again, and again until I was a moaning mess, begging him to enter me and give into my craving.

My hips started to rock against his as he kept hitting my clit, desperate for some sort of relief.

"Please, Colby!" I begged, "I need you inside of me so fucking badly" I cried.

Without any warning, I felt the head of his penis at my opening, pushing my muscles open again for him, welcoming him like a warm hug as I cried out from relief.

"You're so fucking wet, Leighton" He groaned, pumping into me at a slow pace.

"God, you're stretching me out so good" I mewled again, rocking my hips slightly, "Oh my god!" I yelled, Colby pushing in deep, hitting all the right nerves to make my eyes roll back. "Jesus christ!" I panted, "Fuck! Pregnancy sex hits fucking different, oh my god" I groaned, wishing I could ride his cock without my hip muscles burning.

I wanted to be fucking railed and fucked out of my mind, but I knew I couldn't and that pissed me off.

I tried so hard to make it rougher and quicker, but every time I slammed my hips up to meet his, I could feel the tightness and the soreness in my back muscles.

"I need you deep, baby" I whined, tears starting to roll down my face. "I want to ride you so badly. Go so fucking deep- Ahhh!" I moaned out, Colby's fingers entering my ass again. "Oh my god- ohh! Fuck! That feels so good, please don't stop! Oh my god" 

"Cum for me baby. You look so pretty all fucked out and begging. Tears streaming down your face as you plead for me to keep going. I've missed this with you, Leighton. I've missed marking you and reminding you how good we feel together. God, you're dripping down your thighs" He groaned, removing his fingers from my ass, ignoring my protest as he covered his fingers in my arousal, licking them clean with a groan. "Fucking" he thrusted, "Missed" thrusted again. "This"

"Please let me ride you. I need you deep, baby. I need you so fucking deep" I cried, wanting to feel him in my belly.

"Come here baby" His arms went under mine, pulling me towards him before having me move back onto my tummy, "Spread your beautiful thighs for me, Leighton. If you want me deep, I need you open for me. Does anything hurt?" He asked, my hips rocking against the pillows.

"My.. my lower back is.. is sore. My hips.. hips burn a little" I communicated, starting to whine as I continued to rock, wanting to feel him inside of me again; "Fucking worth it though"

"Want this pussy sore too, baby? Want me to pound into you deep and hard? Make you see stars?" He asked, my head nodding as I groaned into the pillow, "Stop moving your hips, Let me do the work" 

I obliged, feeling him push himself back in slowly, resisting the urge to slam back against him.

He started moving slowly again before slowly picking up pace and eventually pounding into me, the sounds of our moans and groans along with our skin slapping together filled the bedroom, drowning out whatever music was playing.

"I'm so fucking close!" I cried out, feeling the perfect amount of stretch that was going to remind me of tonight, tomorrow. "Fuck, it feels so good, Colby!"

"You're so fucking wet, I'm practically slipping out of you" He groaned, "What got you so wet, Leighton? Was it me kissing your skin? Eating you out? Playing with your tight little asshole? Maybe it was that puffy little clit that missed my attention. It reacted so sweetly to me, puffed up real nice and big, letting me know just how fucking ready you were for me. The way this cunt fucking dripped as I lapped at it, pulling me big fucking cock in with need. You're so fucking needy, aren't you baby? Wanting my fucking fingers in your pussy so bad, you just had to fucking have me in the bathroom. Couldn't fucking help yourself, hm, Leighton? Needed me so fucking badly?"

I couldn't reply, moans of ecstasy falling out with no signs of stopping as my stomach clenched, the warmth spreading all over as my muscles tightened around him.

"I'm going to fucking cum! Oh my god!" I cried out.

"Cum, baby. Cum all over me. Fucking drench me. I've missed my messy baby girl. Remind me how much your puffy pussy leaks" he coaxed, slapping my ass, getting a groan from me as my body still. I could feel the wetness drip down to my ass and onto the bed as I cried out, Colby fucking me through my orgasm. 

"Are you close?" I cried out, coming down from my intense orgasm, his cock twitching inside of me before he could even reply.

"So fucking close; gonna fuck my cum into you, remind you how I knocked you up in the first place" he panted, harshly thrusting into my sensitive cunt.

"Want you to fill me up so bad!" I whined, "Want your cum dripping out of me, making a fucking mess all over my thighs. Mark me up baby, leave me drenched in white" I begged, wishing I could watch the way his cum would spill out from the head of his cock into me.

"God, you're such a slut for my cum, aren't you?" He groaned, his eyes falling shut before opening again, finding mine as he stilled hovering over me; the warmth and wetness filling me as he groaned loudly.

I whined, spreading my legs wider, wanting it fucked back into me; only to feel his cock slide out.

"Colby-" I started to complain, only for him to interrupt me.

"You're so fucking full of cum I just fucking fell out, you fucking whore; god I love you" he groaned, swiping his finger through my sensitive folds, showing me our cum mixture.

I stuck my tongue out, awaiting the welcomed substance, only to feel his spit land on my tongue before he swiped his cum down my tongue with his finger, his lips immediately finding mine, shoving his tongue into my mouth, playing with it as I moaned at the feeling. 

He pulled away, both of us breathless; "You look so beautiful, Leighton. I love you" 

"Mm" I moaned, "I love you too. Now fuck your cum back into me. Don't want it go to waste"

* * * * 

This chapter without smut was 7.8k goodnight and goodbye. This is the longest chapter of the entire series I- I didn't want to rob you and uh.. well.. I got carried away 🤪

I always play Into You by Ariana Grande or Body Say by Demi Lovato when I write smut lol #funfact  - What do you think Leigh + Colby would put on for a sex song? lol

We're halfway through this book already O_o

Written on: September 5th, 8th, 11th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 23rd 2023

Published on: September 23rd 2023

Word Count: 10201

Twenty One

[andiwriteordie]

tell me everything about will's airbending <3

a dare is a dare

look i really really REALLY need to go back through and like organize this into some giant masterdoc or something (my other wips and projects are over here looking at me like... bitch pls), because i can't remember what i've talked about with will and his airbending LOL.

so, i apologize if i'm repeating myself!

will misses his airbending.

i think i'm noticing a theme with literally all the party members, and it's that so much of their identity and their joy in life comes from their bending, and a lot of what happens in this little world challenges that/takes it away. (something something something about bending kinda being what dnd represents in the stranger things canon—that loss of childhood and innocence and the difficult journey to reclaim all of that and break free from the cycle of trauma and abuse).

so, in the aftermath of his kidnapping, will's airbending isn't gone. but it's... not the same. will isn't the same, and he can't even pretend like he is. not when everyone around him treats him differently (everyone but mike, that is). everyone handles him with kid gloves. he has to go to the doctor—some airbender who is nice on the surface level but doesn't really seem to care about what will wants—a couple times a week for breathing treatments, his tattoos are scarred and ugly now as a result of what happened, and it feels like every time will closes his eyes, he's reliving those terrifying moments surrounding his near death experience. the encounter with that airbender ruined will's ability to separate his own bending from his trauma.

and will misses his airbending.

because unlike his brother, will's airbending has always been a source of joy for him. jonathan made sure of that, and jonathan protected will from the brunt of lonnie's abuse. even if jonathan didn't enjoy his bending, he still did everything he possibly could to make sure will loved his own airbending. so, as a kid, growing up, airbending has always been one of will's most favorite parts about himself. he's pretty good at it too, and he can make his friends laugh and smile when he takes them to go airgliding (dustin and lucas both scream like little girls, but they still love it; and mike always begs will to take him), or when he shows them new tricks he's been working on, or when they all hang out with poki the bison who all of them are determined to help fly. (it doesn't work, but that's okay. will loves poki anyways!) airbending has been will's escape—from his dad's anger, from the bullies at school, and from everything else that was difficult growing up.

and then, all of that got taken away from will.

he can't airbend anymore without gasping and feeling like somebody is stopping him from breathing. he can't look at himself in the mirror without remembering those moments when his body did something instinctual and terrifying and so painful in an attempt to save itself. physically, he can hardly breathe on his own anymore, and at first, dr. owens agrees that his lungs are weaker and just need some help, but eventually, owens begins to remind him that this is in his head. it's no longer the physical. it's all in will's head now.

which is just miserable. because how can that make any sense? obviously, will misses his bending. he misses his ability to breathe well and to stop associating everything with how this man hurt him. he misses the person he used to be. he feels so different now—different and broken and so unlike himself. so, in the aftermath of his kidnapping, will doesn't airbend. he can't bring himself to. he stays close to the earth, like there's some imaginary shackle preventing him from taking flight. maybe it is all in his head. and maybe he's doing this to himself.

[mxxny-lupin]

Punching bag - hanma shuji

Based on Punching Bag by Palaye Royale

genre: pure angst

Summery: y/n is depressed after a really tough break up

Notes: i really relate to this song and hanma is my favorite... This originally was gonna be a mikey x y/n but i changed it

tw: Abusive and toxic relationship, implied suicidal ideation

Go on, make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

Give me more complaints

You're real, I'm just a fake

You sat on your bed thinking about you and Hanma's breakup. See, You and him had a very toxic relationship. You knew there was nothing you could do or say to fix it, but you still felt guilty. You hurt him a lot mentally. But he hurt you physically, So you guess you were both toxic. You wanted him to love you. That's all you wanted. He couldn't get over it enough to realize what he was doing to you. He took you as a threat.

I wake up, I'm so glad

I can be your punching bag

Go on, make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

You still missed his touch so much, even if Hanma was abusive. You knew him so well. You got so used to the pain. You accepted it to be okay. You made mistakes in the relationship, but he couldn't get over it. He always blamed you even if you did nothing wrong.

Go ahead and mold me, bought me and they sold me

I'm smiling upside down

Now I'm all used up, ready for my close up

He wanted you to be the perfect person for him. He told you to get plastic surgery, so he can feel comfortable taking you out. He knew about your past relationship and that you were passed around to men like you were a piece of candy, but he didn't take that seriously. although he really should have, considering he did the same thing.

You wanted to hide and never get into another relationship.

Am I pretty underground?

I can be your Barbie, I can say sorry

I can do whatever you want

You wanted to end it all. You just wanted the pain to end. You had no one left in your left that cared about you. But you knew that if you could do it all, you would. You hated that fact, but you would change everything about yourself to feel loved and welcomed.

Go ahead and slap me if it makes you happy

Use and abuse me 'til I'm gone

You just wanted everyone to be happy, even if it hurt you. You allowed them all to use you and abuse you until you die.

Go on, make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

Give me more complaints

You blame yourself for being self-destructive, but you felt like you deserved it. That's the thing with the abuse they did to you. You got so used to the pain. You thought it was okay.

You're real, I'm just a fake

I wake up, I'm so glad

I can be your punching bag

Go on, make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

Back when you and Hanma were together, He used to yell and scream at you if you did something that wasn't perfect, most of the time he even hit you if you told him no. You knew he was wrong to do that but you still loved him.

Yeah, if you want me, come and take me

Because I love the way you hate me

You wished your relationships were better. You lost everything and that took a toll on you.

But didn't even notice, barely got a moment

Not a moment to myself

Heaven's what they sold me, but now I miss the old me

you didn't even notice you lost yourself. They took the part of you that was happy and loved. The good part of yourself, god you even forgot what your old self used to be.

Walking down the street, just a public enemy

My back's against the wall

I didn't even notice, barely got a moment

Build me up to watch me fall

After You and Hanma's breakup was publicly announced: it caused people to hate you, and you too have people after you. You knew, but you didn't care about your life. You felt like you were reliving it all over again as he built you up to watch you fall.

If this is goodbye, you bled me dry

This is goodnight, my soul has died

I gave you my all, you built me up to fall

I gave you my all, I gave you my all

You come to peace of mind with your relationship. You hated him. You put everything into your relationship. you fell asleep thinking about it, that he did build you up to tear you apart and break your heart.

Go on, make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

Give me more complaints

You're real, I'm just a fake

I wake up, I'm so glad

I can be your punching bag

Go on, make my day

Go get high on my mistakes

If you want me, come and take me

Because I love the way you hate me

Someone find me, someone save me

Because I feel like I'm fucking dying

You want someone to save you from this nightmare you call love. But you guess you will just have to move on to the next person..

thank you so much for reading this let me know if you want more

Reblogs and likes appreciated

tagging:@raptordeguise @hanmasbitch

© mxxny-lupin | all rights reserved. please do not repost, plagiarize, translate, or share my work on other platforms

@lazydeathjen

[evil-giggling]

Langa VS. the Assholes Who Hurt Reki

Summary: Langa and Reki have finally made up! But that doesn't mean that they no longer have problems.

(or, Langa just wants Reki to be happy, but for some reason people are very against that.)

Warnings: Swearing (Langa has has enough), Mentions of violence, Ad*m.

Words: 1.7k

(haha wdym the title is a star vs the forces of evil pun,,, no it isnt haha)

The stars in Okinawa reflected the sea, and the sound of their laughter along with the scraping of wheels against the cement ground is one that symbolizes peace, unity, and pure, unadulterated love.

Langa and Reki are alright again, and everything is right with the world.

"You... What?" Langa looked befuddled, an unidentifiable look on his features, as Reki nervously fiddled with his fingers, blushing from embarrassment. From what? He doesn't know.

"It's— it's not as bad as you think!" Reki said hurriedly, but by now there was a prominent frown on Langa's face, "it's— I was just ran over by a car—"

"Just," Langa emphasized, his voice uncharacteristically firmer and louder, "ran over by a car? Reki, do you think everyone just gets run over by a car? And do you think people who get run over by a car wake up in a love hotel? With a stranger?"

It's the next day since Langa and Reki's making up from their fight, and neither of them quite expected that the comeback of their roof-top lunches would start with Reki accidentally spilling that he was in a love hotel. Much less brought to a love hotel because he was ran over. By a stranger.

Everything was all so suddenly not-right, and Langa couldn't decide if this was better, or worse.

"—Langa? Hey, earth to Prince Langa!" Reki snapped his fingers in front of Langa's face, and the latter blinked, wondering when he started to get lost in his thoughts, and—wow. Reki seemed a bit too close to his face right now. Not that he was complaining.

There was a cute pout on Reki's lips, Langa guessed it was caused by his own neglect of their conversation. The former, though, upon noticing that his companion's eyes were on his lips, blushed bright red again, and brought back distance between them. Langa didn't stop the disappointed sigh from his lips, but the disappointment didn't last long.

His face once again etched up in concern, looking at Reki, who was facing down at the ground, his headband covering his cheeks, in an attempt to cool them down. Langa let a small, fond smile on his lips, before shaking it off once he remembered what Reki mentioned earlier.

"Reki, you can't just brush this off," Langa said, eyebrows furrowing and his chest hardening in both concern and frustration, "what else happened to you when I wasn't around?"

Reki sneaked a glance at Langa, before sheepishly turning away.

"Nothing," Reki said, but the lie obvious to Langa, "and you're talking a lot about this, like last night."

Langa frowned, "of course I am, you worry me a lot when you say 'it's nothing' or 'I'm fine'," he played with the hem of his shirt, before letting go and continuing, "because most of the time, you're lying."

Reki said nothing, only burrowing farther in himself. Langa huffed, frustration building up in him. If Reki thought it was surprising to see him chatty, he'll definitely have a heart attack after this.

Langa engulfed Reki in a hug, and it wasn't only the latter who gasped in surprise. Perhaps they've gathered some nosy onlookers?

Who cares?, Langa thought, Reki's the only thing that's important right now.

"Reki, be honest please?" Langa said, voice muffled, as he buried his face on Reki's shoulder.

"O-okay! Langa, okay, I'll tell you!" Reki stuttered out, a flustered mess, from the way he spoke, "just, let go, please?" He whispered to Langa, "people are kind of looking at us right now."

Langa didn't care who saw them, honestly. But he got what he wanted, and he didn't want Reki to be embarrassed too bad, so he let go of Reki's waist, and sat back to where he was positioned earlier.

He looked at Reki expectantly, but with patience. The latter picked at his nails in nervousness, wherein Langa took one of his hands to ease his anxiety.

Reki brought back Langa's hands, and started staring down at them and playing with them. He seemed to calm down, as his cheeks were no longer red, and Langa sent a dirty look to the passersby who were looking at them with keen interest, when Reki wasn't looking.

Reki swallowed, and looked up at him.

He scrunched up his face and looked away for a second, scratching his cheek with a finger, a small flush on his cheeks, "uhm..." letting out a sigh, Reki collected his thoughts and said, "erm, before I met you, I used to be in this sort of team? Gang? Thing... It was for skating." Reki added, upon the worried and horrified look on Langa's face, and the latter let out a sigh of relief, and encouraged him to continue.

"Er, they were sort of—they weren't really people I wanted to hang out with?" Reki mumbled, sheepishly, "they, uhm, they weren't really ones who enjoyed skating? They did it for the aesthetic, basically, and it made them sort of lame for me.

"So, I quit after three days."

Langa only seemed confused, so Reki added, "and well, I saw them while walking through the market and they kind of..." Reki mumbled the last part, and Langa blinked.

"'They kind of' what?" Langa pressed on, and Reki swallowed.

"They jumped me, but—" Reki immediately started to add, silencing a seething Langa with the palm of his hand.

Langa was nothing short of furious, and he was ready to tell Joe about this development to gang up on the little fucks that put a hand on Reki. And you know what? He'll do the same to that stranger! He'll make them have hell to pay, damn it, how dare they hurt his Reki.

But he couldn't express any of this right now, with Reki's hand on his mouth, so he (begrudgingly) let Reki continue.

"—but, it's fine! It's all in the past now. 'Sides, I kind of felt like I deserved it? I mean, I didn't actually deserve it—" he said, at the furious glare Langa sent to him, "it's just—well, it didn't compare to the people at S, y'know I—oops."

Reki flustered, detaching his palm from Langa's mouth to cover his own. Langa squashed the giddy feeling of that indirect kiss, and firmly, but with a gentleness Reki absolutely deserved, placed his hands on both of Reki's shoulders.

"What did 'the people of S' do, Reki?" Langa grounded out, tired of all of these people out to hurt Reki. Out of everyone he knew, Reki was the last one to deserve this much abuse.

Reki looked up at Langa, and knew he couldn't just lie his way out of not telling him. He looked down for a moment, simmering in guilt—of what?— and looked back up at Langa, setting his hands on his lap.

"They, uh. They would talk behind my back, and uhm, and talk about... How I'm just... A useless... Er," Reki struggled to find the words, and he felt tears sting at his eyes, and he looked up, not wanting them to fall. Langa felt guilty at making him relive these memories, but he needs to know exactly how he'll hurt these assholes.

Reki looked down, at his hands, and then at Langa, then he said, "they'd say that I'm no one... That I'm just... 'the guy who hangs around Snow'... Or just..." Reki bit his lip, "the one who's not Snow."

Langa was reminded of a meme, back from when he was still very much devoid of Reki and his kindness, talent, and all around amazing-ness. It was a dubbed line from an anime, wasn't it?

This is the first time in my life that I've been provoked to hit a woman.

Except they weren't a woman, in fact, they were the plethora of annoying assholes who made Reki feel worse than he already did.

Talk about kicking a guy while he was down.

"Names." Langa said, plain and simple.

"Huh?" Reki said, confused and flustered.

"I want their names, Reki."

"Langa, they were total strangers! Which makes it even more pathetic that their words got to me, honestly—"

"Don't blame yourself for them being stupid and blind." Langa said firmly, "you're amazing, Reki. Don't let them make you think otherwise."

At that, Reki smiled, and playfully punched Langa's shoulder, "thanks, Langa."

Before Reki could pull his hand away, Langa took it in both of his own, "I'm serious. You're so amazing Reki—"

Reki blushed, "th-thanks man, you're amazing too—"

"—you really don't understand, when you skate, you're the only thing I see—"

"—that's really enough!"

"—and you know exactly what I need, and you don't even have to try that hard to figure it out—"

"—is this even about skating anymore, Langa?"

"—and I think your headband is neat, but you look so cute without it, and your hair is a lot more fluffy—"

"Alright!" Reki squeaked out, just as the bell rang, signalling the end of the lunch period, "we'll talk about this later, we have to go back to school—er, class!" Flustered, Reki fixed his headband, and stomped his way back to the classroom.

Langa let out blissful laughter, and for now, he was satisfied with his work. He hoped it'd be enough for Reki to temporarily forget what those people did and said to him. Hoped it distracted Reki enough to not figure out that Langa was planning to find out everything with the rest of the gang, and would be punishing the ones who offended Reki accordingly.

He ran up to Reki, and offered his hand to the latter, whose cheeks were still flushed.

To his delight, Reki took his hand, and they walked down back to their classroom, hand in hand.

Later that evening, uncannily enough, Adam proposed an idea to the duo. A rematch, he had said, to redeem Reki of his loss in their last beef. There was an obvious, underlying malice, in his offer, though. Reki looked terrified, yet determined, but before he could agree, Langa had stepped in front of him, a chilling glower directed at Adam, who only smirked.

Langa had enough of people wanting to hurt Reki, and hated that smug face on Adam's features so much (it promised to hurt Reki to the point that he would be irreparable, and Langa was furious), that before Adam could even comment at Langa's protective stance, he had been punched in the face by the latter.

And, well, Joe seemed a bit inspired to do the same.

——————————————————————

A/N: haha i dont know how to make titles someone help

@andromeda612 @yunolik87

[arrowflier]

A fic prompt if you'd like: Mickey opening up to Ian about details of his childhood and the abuse he suffered. In 11x06 after Terry is brought home Mickey says he could do anything to him now like "piss on him and let him air dry" and "use his mouth as an ash tray". To me it sounds like those are examples of things that Terry has done to him.

Content warning: child abuse

the things he did

“You’re so much better than that.”

Ian’s words echoed in Mickey’s head while the cooked dinner together. They resonated as they sat side by side at the table to eat, shoulders brushing, rings glinting in the harsh lights of the kitchen. They played on loop as they retired to the living room, alone for once with everyone else out for the night who knew where, sitting close on the sofa as mindless sitcoms droned on from the television.

“What if I’m not?” Mickey asked abruptly, when it got to be too much.

Ian turned to look at him, face full of shadows in the blue light from the tv.

“What if you’re not what?” he questioned, confused, and Mickey shifted away from him, bringing a knee onto the sofa between them to face his husband.

“Not better than that,” he answered, and saw Ian realize what he was talking about. It was in the way his eyes softened in that harsh light, the way his lips turned down at the thought that Mickey might question himself.

He always took it personally when Mickey did that.

“You are, Mickey,” Ian reassured instantly, just as expected. “I know you are.”

Mickey shook his head, looking down. His fingers scratched at the label of his beer, tearing it from the condensation-wet bottle.

“You don’t,” he said quietly. “No one fucking does.” He shook his head, looked up again into Ian’s green eyes. “You don’t just come away from a life like that and turn out alright.”

Ian looked like he wanted to argue. His chin was already pushing out, his lips pressed tight and thin.

Mickey didn’t give him a chance.

“If you knew half the things he did to us, man,” Mickey laughed humorlessly, averting his gaze again. “He should be on death row right now, not sitting next door with a roof over his fuckin’ head.”

“Tell me,” Ian prompted softly, but Mickey shook his head.

“You don’t want to hear this shit, Ian.” At least, Mickey didn’t want him to hear it. Didn’t want him to think of Terry when he looked at Mickey’s face.

“I do though,” Ian countered easily. “Wanna know everything about you, Mick.”

He was always saying things like that. Always trying to challenge the barriers Mickey put up.

But Mickey always challenged his, too, so he supposed that it was a fair enough trade.

“Fuckin’ sap,” Mickey said anyway, glancing up at Ian’s face and down again. “Gonna change what you think of me,” he added more quietly, and bit his lip at how pathetic it made him sound.

“Mickey,” Ian said. That was it, just his name. But it made things better, somehow. “Nothing can change how I feel about you,” Ian went on. “Besides, I was there for some it, remember?”

Mickey snorted, and took a swig of beer.

“How could I fuckin’ forget?”

They sat in silence for a long moment, only the sound of the clock ticking behind them and the strains of an annoying jingle on the TV filling the room. Ian didn’t scoot any closer, didn’t ask Mickey again. He just sat in his presence, calming sipping his own drink, and waited Mickey out.

It was a technique that never failed him.

“It wasn’t too bad when our mom was there,” Mickey started out of nowhere. “She was strung out most of the time, but she cared, you know?” He ran a hand through his hair, scratched his neck. “At least in her own way.”

“And when she wasn’t?” Ian prompted gently. Not pushing, just providing a guiding hand.

Mickey shook his head. “When she wasn’t, things really went to hell.”

A beat. The TV had changed over to some new infomercial, an obnoxiously eager voice droning on about the ‘next best thing’, whatever that was. Mickey ignored it. They both did.

“Iggy and Colin were already used to it, I think,” Mickey expanded. “They were around more the first few times she left, when Mandy and I were still in school. They knew what was coming when she was gone for good.”

Ian made a sound, deep in his throat. He set down his glass on the coffee table, overlapping the multitude of condensation rings that already marred the surface, and grabbed up the carton of cigarettes that lay there. He lit it with a spare lighter, took a drag, and passed it over to Mickey’s waiting hand.

“What about you?” he asked casually. Too casually for the way his fingers shook when Mickey took the cigarette from him.

Mickey scoffed. “Me?” he repeated, then took a drag himself. He held it in as long as he could, breathed it out in a plume of smoke that hid the new wetness in his eyes.

“I was a naive little shit whose mamma hadn’t warned him how bad Terry could get,” Mickey said, then took another hit.

“The first time he hit me—really hit me, not just a cuff around the ears for mouthing off—he laid me out flat on the kitchen floor. I had eaten the last side of bacon, see,” he explained. “Mandy made it for me after school. And Terry’d been savin’ it for after whatever run he was out on.”

Ian stayed silent.

“Couldn’t tell him it was Mandy’s fault,” Mickey went on. “He didn’t care that she was a girl.” Mickey flicked the ashes off the end of the cigarette, watched them fall. Watched the tiny burns it made on the knee of his jeans. “Didn’t care until she was useful.”

Ian swallowed hard at the reminder of what Terry had done to his best friend. But this was about Mickey right now, not Mandy, and as much as she was entrenched in that part of his life, it wasn’t what he needed to get out.

So Ian scooted closer, brushed ashes off Mickey’s knee and rested his hand there, waiting.

Mickey stared at the point of contact, then at his cigarette again.

“You know he used to burn me with these?” Mickey asked abruptly, waving the lit stick in his hand. “Think it was an accident, the first time. Caught me suckin’ on a candy one when I was a kid, told me I needed to man up. Tried to stick a lit one in my mouth, but he was drunk. Used the wrong end.”

He tongued the corner of his lips. “Couldn’t eat for two days while it was healin’.” He chuckled, shook his head. “I was suck a fuckin’ wimp back then, man.”

“Not the worst thing he’s put in my mouth, though,” Mickey continued, on a roll now. His voice was faint, full of that absent quality it got when he wasn’t really there. When he was reliving his nightmares in real time.

“Stumbled into my room more than once looking for the toilet,” he confided. “Forgot there was a second door, I think. He usually just went in the corner, but he got me on my bed more than once.”

Mickey paused, looked up at Ian through his lashes.

“You know why I don’t breathe through my mouth anymore?”

Ian shook his head.

“Wakin’ up to the taste of piss will teach you that trick real quick.”

The cigarette was gone, now, and his beer was only dregs. Mickey stared at a space over Ian’s shoulder, breathing heavy, refusing to let his eyes spill over.

He was done crying for the kid that let his dad walk all over him. He was done crying for Terry. He was done with all of it.

And he really, really wished that were true.

“Frank locked me in the basement, once,” Ian stated suddenly, taking the empty beer bottle out of Mickey’s hand and placing it with his own glass on the table. “During one of my mom’s episodes, when she wouldn’t get out of bed.”

Mickey just looked at him. Let Ian take his hand, turn it over to hold it in his.

“He told Fiona I was at a sleepover, and she believed him—forgot I didn’t really have any friends.” Ian grinned, then, but it was empty, almost sharp.

You had friends, Mickey wanted to say. You had family. You had me.

But the first and the last were lies, and the middle wasn’t always a blessing.

“Lip found me two days later,” Ian told him. “He got suspicious when he saw Frank taking food down there; he was an asshole, but he wasn’t gonna starve a kid on purpose, at least.”

Ian laughed, and rubbed his free hand along the leg of his pants.

“He just didn’t want to look at me.”

Mickey gripped his hand tighter.

“Why are you tellin’ me this?” he asked. “It’s not a fuckin’ competition, man.”

“I’m just saying,” Ian pressed on. “We don’t have to be our dads, Mickey.”

Oh. And there it was. Ian, his husband, ever the optimist.

“What if we don’t get that choice?” Mickey questioned. He’d seen it often enough, after all. Milkoviches that tried to get out, tried to do better for themselves and their kids.

But they always ended up back where they started. They always ended up under Terry’s roof, and under his thumb, just waiting for another chance to break free.

Ian shrugged, and pulled him closer, tucking Mickey’s head into the space between his own neck and shoulder. Mickey made a grumbling sound, but went without protest, tilting his head so that his nose rested near Ian’s collarbone.

“Then I guess we have to kill each other,” Ian stated blandly.

Mickey gave a stunned, barked laugh, breath hitching and releasing in a wash of hot air over Ian’s neck.

“Ian, what the fuck?” he managed, but Ian only gripped him tighter, pressing his face into skin so that he couldn’t speak.

“It’s for the greater good, Mick,” Ian assured him. “Mutually assured destruction, and all that, right?”

He ran a hand down Mickey’s back, scratching lightly.

“I lock you in a basement, you take me out,” he declared. “You piss on me—well, without my permission at least—”

“Ew, Ian, Jesus Christ—”

“I get to murder you in your sleep.” Ian pulled back just enough to look at him, Mickey meeting his eyes without a struggle this time. For all the macabre discussions, Ian’s eyes were bright.

“Deal?” Ian asked, and Mickey finally smiled.

“Yeah, alright, tough guy,” he agreed. “It’s a fuckin’ deal.”

[thatringboy]

i am no good with literature (and English isnt my first language) so a lot of nuance often goes over my head and while i enjoy your writing a LOT, could you give me a run down on the ”depths” of your au characters?

You are 100% fine and your english is better than mine sometimes lol (and I never pass up a moment to talk about FS&S)

The most simple way to describe my characters is that they are all fouls for each other, meaning that they all are “two sides of the same coin”. The easiest example of this would be Nezuko and Sanemi

Both of them lost their father and little siblings by demons, being just too late to save them and the surviving family members were irreversibly changed. To save themselves from drowning in survivor’s guilt and vengeance, they become the best Demon Slayers they can be

Of course, we know this is where their stories diverge. Nezuko had already lost her mother by now and had experienced the grief and trauma that came with that. And she had Tanjiro (+ a new life goal) to cushion the fall. Nezuko made herself busy by training to distract herself from her losses, but we see that even now, 2 1/2 years later, that she still carries her family with her.

Sanemi is different. He grew up around the dangers of demons and had strong, involved parents. He is the eldest son, the heir to the Shinazugawa name that his father married into and he is the Tsugoku to his mother, the Wind Hashira. Yet he comes home from Final Selection to find all but one of his little siblings dead and his father a demon. He kills his own father, only realizing later that his father had no blood on his face and his mother Shizu, who had gone through the recent trauma of discovering Sun Breathing, resents him for it. Shizu becomes a hermit in her own home and Sanemi’s last living brother Genya is permanently scarred and often is berated by his mother as she fails to accept all her losses

On top of all those losses, only a few months after finally becoming a Hashira, Sabito - the lover of his childhood crush - dies and Giyuu also shuts himself off from the world. Sanemi is made leader of the Hashira in Sabito’s place just as Genya hits puberty and the age to begin his training. The brothers discover that Genya isn’t even strong enough to swing a sword properly, meaning that his prospects in the family business just vanished

So Sanemi has survivor’s guilt + the guilt of killing his father + the daily verbal abuse from his mother + the responsibility of leading the Pillars + being a shield for Genya and he’s only 20

In comes Nezuko Kamado, a girl with survivor’s guilt + guilt of letting her brother become a demon + grief of loosing her mother at a vulnerable age + the responsibility of keeping Tanjiro’s demonic side in check + a burning desire to kill the King of Demons. She’s only been a Demon Slayer for a month maybe and she had already faced a Lower Moon and was just pardoned by the Master for letting a demon live. Sanemi meets her again two months later on the Mugen Train and she’s asking about Fire Breathing, which is suspiciously close to Sun Breathing. She tells him her life story and he realizes how close it is to his own

Then Akaza puts the two of them into the dream realm and they relive their trauma violently. Then Sanemi battles Rui and loses brutally. Then Nezuko screams about how by not letting any civilians die, Sanemi was actually the victor. He calls her over and gives his speech about how even though Nezuko feels like she’s losing everything all over again, she would be okay because she’s a stronger version of Sanemi

Nezuko won’t know what this means until she meets Shizu and Genya

The nuance, the depth of these characters is how similar their trauma is and how one choice changed everything. Nezuko protected Tanjiro from Shinobu and saved him while Sanemi killed Kyogo before realizing his innocence. The theme of Sun, Wind & Ice (Part 1) is the duality of man and living with trauma (which is the overall theme of the entire au) and this is found in all I said above

Of course, not every character has the same story. Inosuke is a foil for Nezuko and Zenitsu because while they lost their families to demons, Inosuke is aware that he has no major loss motivating him and that is his motivator

Douma and Tanjiro are also foils. Tanjiro is a demon who has his human memories and has to chose to fight his primal urges to protect people. Douma is a human raised by demons to be an assassin who chooses to protect the Kibutsuji family for no other reason than he sees them as a safer insurance option (at least that’s what he tells himself)

Rui is a foil for many characters. He’s a foil for Sanemi who refused to join his demon family despite how he grieves for his own. He’s a foil for Nezuko and how spider demons have appeared in nearly all of her major battles and are responsible for some of her trauma. He’s a foil for Shinobu who lost her two sisters to the spider father demon that only Nezuko could kill (and other reasons that would be spoilers to delve into)

Even the two wives/matriarchs of the au are foils. Rei, the Master’s wife, is snarky and witty, unafraid to challenge her husband and present new ideas to him. Then there’s Amane, the wife of the King of Demons. She was raised to be his wife since she was an infant and this is reflected in her stone cold persona and unyielding loyalty to her husband. Similar yet oh so different

There are many more foils in my writing that deserve their own separate essay, but I really hope that this helps explain what you are confused about

[j-amespotter]

★ the last great american dynasty - s. b.

“i had a marvelous time ruining everything.” 

Pairing: Sirius Black x Muggle-born!Reader 

x. x. x.

Summary: A one-shot diving into Sirius’s complicated relationship with Grimmauld Place and where the Muggle-born he falls for fits in.

Genre/Warnings: angst, emotional abuse, alcohol, language, mentions of death & war 

Word Count: 1.9k

A/N: so.. this is more of a character study on sirius & his dynamic with his family – i know this song is meant to be about a woman but it also screams sirius to me. i’m a sucker for romance so it’s a reader-insert. fun fact, i was almost done writing this when i realized i wanted it to be a wolfstar fic, but i was too lazy to change it, so just putting that out as a concept lol. let me know what you think & if you’d like me to tag you in future works!! 

masterlist

When Sirius first showed signs of his rebellious nature, Walburga wasn’t worried. After all, many children were incapable of sitting still in large gatherings, mouthing off to their parents, or incessantly teasing their younger siblings. “He will be kept in good company. He will learn,” Walburga would say to her husband. He often exasperated her, but there was no denying her immense pride. Despite his antics, even at a young age, Sirius displayed impressive magical ability and had a commanding presence – excellent qualities for the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. 

She worried only a little when he preferred to spend time with Andromeda, who was clearly becoming disillusioned with their family values, and Alphard, who Walburga believed was beginning to get a little too soft. Still, the Blacks were not raving lunatics. They were traditionalists, committed to upholding the high standards of Wizarding society. Sirius would not defy them, not when the weight of their bloodline rested on his shoulders, not when Regulus would never be able to stomach such responsibility.

On his first night at Hogwarts, Sirius didn't write home. It wasn’t until the morning after that Narcissa delivered the dreadful news to her mother. Walburga’s sister-in-law relished discussing this most recent embarrassment, as the family’s attention was now off her daughter’s courtship of a mudblood. Young Sirius, their direct heir, was sorted into the House of Muggle-lovers and blood traitors, into the House of Godric Gryffindor.

Blown apart by this development, Walburga turned to her younger son. She had no intention of repeating her mistakes and resolved to train him for the responsibility that should have belonged to her eldest. That way, if she was unable to correct Sirius’s behavior, she had back-up. Her legacy was secure. 

During every subsequent holiday, she noticed that the damage was getting more-and-more irreversible. Sirius unabashedly consorted with infamous blood traitors and pathetic half-bloods. He seemed to dread seeing his family as much as she dreaded seeing how much of him she had lost. She tried; no one could say she didn’t. But she was too stern with him. He had inherited his flexibility, or lack thereof, from her. She pushed him too far away. Soon, he stopped returning home for Christmas. When he was sixteen, she spat at him as he closed the door to Number 12 Grimmauld Place one last time, without sparing her a final glance. 

He never expected he would have to return. Offering up the property to the Order seemed like a good idea at the time – he hardly put any thought into it. That was how he made most of his decisions. His track record certainly proved so. When Remus didn’t have anywhere to stay, and neither did the newly-reformed Order of the Phoenix, Sirius knew that his family estate in London was not just their most ideal option, but also the only one they had. 

He managed to enter undetected in his Animagus form with Remus. He had to hand it to fate – there were no extra security measures to keep him out. It was as if she anticipated his arrival. Swallowing, he absorbed his surroundings. Despite the eerie silence and decomposing furniture, it looked like an image straight from his memory. Sirius suddenly felt sixteen again. 

What he did not expect to see, however, was a currently-sleeping life-sized portrait of Walburga Black in the hallway. Though now in his human form, Sirius growled inadvertently. She knew. She always knew that he would come back. She wanted to be there when he did. Unbelievable, he thought to himself. 

Aware of Remus’s wary gaze on him, Sirius walked forward and began pulling on the frame. “Get off, you hag! Remus, help me get this off!” 

Remus went to join his old friend in what seemed like a fruitless mission in his mind but came to an abrupt halt when the portrait, disturbed by her son’s grunts, awoke in a flash of fury. “Filth! Scum! Abomination of my flesh! You are no son of mine,” portrait-Walburga hissed. 

“Shut up, just shut up!” He had not heard her voice since he was near a Dementor, reliving the worst of his teenage years. The visual made it much, much worse. 

“Permanent Sticking Charm, it seems…” Remus said to appease his friend, pulling the withering velvet curtains over its towering frame with all his strength.

“This is torture,” sighed Sirius. “Maybe we can find another place.” 

Remus refused to meet his eye. “For now, it is all we have, Sirius. If it was going to be a problem, you should not have offered it to Professor Dumbledore.” 

Sirius frowned. “It’s all I’m able to do this time around. It’s not like I can go around trailing Death Eaters and infiltrating the Ministry with everyone else.”

“Hopefully, it’s only temporary,” assured Remus, though he was equally as uncertain about Sirius’s fate as a fugitive. “Try not to let this place get into your head, okay?” 

Sirius Black was never good at keeping promises. He had three-and-a-half decades of evidence to back that up. In the weeks following, the Order settled in, consisting of many highly competent Aurors, half-a-dozen Weasleys, and an ex-Death Eater he could do without seeing. Sirius found himself never too far from alcohol, itching for more access. He longed to see Harry and to get away from his wretched house-elf, along with the constant, stinging reminder of his mother's existence. 

But there was something else inside of him, something he couldn’t describe. It was an emotion that was egging him on. He felt it inside of him every time Kreacher muttered complaints about wandering red-headed blood traitor brats. It swirled in his stomach when his mother shouted scathing insults at the clumsy half-blood and filthy half-breed that took temporary refuge in the former pure-blood paradise. 

Then she came. 

She was new. She worked at the Ministry; many of his houseguests were incredibly fond of her. He recognized the innocence in her eyes. It was the same innocence that he had when he first joined the Order seventeen years earlier. It was the same innocence that differentiated every new member from every returning one – they had yet to see tragedy in its fullest form. 

“Hello,” she greeted. She seemed strangely unperturbed by the fact that she was in the presence of an alleged mass murderer. “I’m (Y/N). I’ve been told this is your house. Thank you for playing host.”

“My pleasure,” responded Sirius. Involuntarily, he reached for her hand and kissed it. Suddenly, he became painfully aware of his hollowing cheeks, untamed hair, and liquor-infused breath.

She flushed slightly at the gesture. Black family habits die hard. Just because he chose to refrain from practicing them did not mean he had forgotten, nor did it mean that he wasn’t any good at them. 

Walburga Black’s portrait watched her son fall in love with her. Sirius watched her watch him. There was no telling how she would react. Regulus was dead – it was up to him to preserve their family’s name and purity.

(Y/N) was witty and flirty and incredibly intelligent. He found himself feeling a decade younger as he enjoyed their banter and her overall easiness. Before long, she kissed him in his dimly-lit pantry, and he was too selfish to stop her. They would kiss in every corner of the house, hardly caring that anyone was watching, ignoring the ghosts living within the walls. For Sirius, (Y/N) was his greatest act of defiance. She was born to non-magic parents. As narrated by a disgruntled Kreacher to his now-helpless mistress, she was nothing but a “filthy mudblood.” 

One night, weeks after the children departed for Hogwarts and the house was, as on most days, empty, he caught her staring at the Black family tapestry. Without making a sound, he inched behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Hello, beautiful,” he whispered, pressing a kiss on her shoulder. “Sickle for your thoughts?” 

She leaned into him. As the days went on, she would tire easily. Still, she found happiness in Sirius as he did with her, and they both were old enough to know to reach for it in any capacity they got. “It’s nothing. It’s stupid. Let’s get to bed.” 

“As much as I’m a fan of that idea,” he started with a smirk, “you look upset. Is it work? Fudge?” 

“No, nothing like that.” Her fingers traced his blasted name on the wall. She looked thoughtful. “I’ve just… noticed something about you.” 

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” 

“The way you look at your mother.” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Well, it’s no secret that I hate her. I hope that’s not off-putting. You’ve seen what she’s like – it was worse when she was alive. I promise I’m a gentleman in general circumstances… for the most part,” he added cheekily. 

She smiled tightly. “No, I get it. It must be terrible for you, being back here.” 

“It is,” he affirmed. “I’ve got you, though. You make me happier than anything, love.” 

“That’s the thing,” she uttered as if it pained her. Sirius could stare at her fiery expression for days on end. To be on the receiving end was strange. “I can’t help but think that you’re only in love with me to spite her. Like your feelings aren’t love, they’re just a culmination of your hatred for her.” 

It took Sirius an eternity to process what she just said. Realizing that he was not going to say anything, she continued. “Believe me, I know you hate it here. But at the same time, you look so… satisfied. You’re hosting a bunch of blood traitors, half-bloods, and a werewolf in this place that was once the pinnacle of blood purity. You’re providing a haven against the bloody Dark Lord. And worst of all, you’re with a mudblood.” 

“Don’t call yourself that,” interrupted Sirius harshly. 

“It’s the truth. If you weren’t in this position, would we even be together?” 

“Of course,” said Sirius. To answer this question, he didn’t even have to think. “I love you because you’re you. You’re beautiful and smart and make me laugh until my stomach hurts. You’re so good with Harry and you can put anyone in their place. You make me feel new again… God, that’s fucking sappy, but it’s true. I indeed hate this place and I hate her but… but if I let her dictate my choices, even when she’s bloody dead, then she’s won. I don’t want her to win. If I was only with you for your blood status, then I would be no different from my mother.” 

She stared up at him, her eyes betraying a wave of emotions. She reached up to kiss him, tangling her fingers in his hair. “Thank you for saying all of that. Just hold on for a little while, alright? Soon, we’ll be out of here. We can have our own house – you, me, and Harry.” 

He smiled at her sadly. It seemed too unreachable of a goal to him at the moment. “By the beach?” “Wherever you’d like,” she answered, leading him to his bedroom, his only sanctuary in the horrible house. 

As they made their way towards the stairs, Sirius glanced at the tapestry over his shoulder, at the seven generations of Blacks behind him. He gently squeezed (Y/N)’s hand. For the first time in his entire life, he felt the weight of carrying his name lift off him. He’d done his part to corrupt his bloodline. It was time for Sirius to focus on himself in a way that the shadows of his past never allowed him to, even in his schoolboy days with James. Being a Black was a part of who he was, and even a disowned Black deserved his long-overdue happiness.

Tagging: @strawberriesonsummer​

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

There are a lot of thoughts in my head right now and I’m trying to unravel them a bit before therapy on Friday.

Being with my friends this week brought up a lot of memories of my past self. I felt the most me in college, even though that was my most depressed time up to that moment. We were reliving my “glory days” of when I was literally (okay figuratively) fighting guys off me. For whatever reason, I was really “popular” in college. It was interesting hearing one friend (who I only recently became friends with) tell me how she wished all through college that we could be friends and she was so jealous of the people that were close to me (funny thing, this friend intimated me back then!) and our other college friends agreed- I was part of the cool kid club. We were recounting stories of the guys I dated and how some really tried controlling me (Bible colleges y’all) and I was a spitfire. I challenged them left and right and they all ended up leaving because they couldn’t get me to submit. (Seriously. This is Christian culture)

Then I moved to Massachusetts and while that wasn’t me, the confident parts of me grew even bigger. It was a trashy time in my life that I don’t like to relive, but the values I can pull from that time are confidence, self assurance, and self advocacy. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and wasn’t going to settle.

I was super shy and unsure of myself in high school and my confidence started growing in college and then in what felt like overnight, I lost all of it when I returned to college after Massachusetts. My friends had all graduated in the time I was gone, I was older than most of them classmates, had “lived more life” and just didn’t relate to my sheltered Christian peers. I hit an all time low with my depression and didn’t leave my bed unless I had to. I started over eating and drinking to cope. I sunk back into myself and it’s been like that ever since.

Hearing peoples perspectives of me back in college, reconnecting to that confidence and strength I once held… who I am now is not who I really am I don’t think. I think I had a moment (2013-2015) of confusion that led me to be more vulnerable to awful people.

Through college, I had a crush on this kid. Looking back, it was quite toxic for us both. He took on the role of counselor and me the client. He was my first unrequited love. I was crushed when he ultimately told me it wasn’t happening and he got engaged. I took this to heart. I felt unworthy of love. He didn’t like that I self harmed and always brought this up, that I could relapse, and I did many times. He didn’t like that I was queer, I couldn’t change this and felt so much shame around it. There were so many things he didn’t like about my free spirit and confidence and I molded myself to fit into that space. If only I was quieter, straight, stopped talking about my mental health, ready to submit…then I’d find someone.

I graduated college, most of my friends were already married (again, Christian culture. You’re an old hag if you aren’t married by 23). I felt unloveable. I started negative self talking to 1) make myself believe I was unworthy so being single hurt less 2) convince myself I was ugly and that was why no one wanted me 3) convince myself that life was pointless, you live and you die and that’s all there is to it.

I met my ex-husband and he saw my vulnerabilities. I was feeling so low about myself that he truly seemed like the best option I could have. He reinforced my negative self talk by shaming almost everything I did. Threw out the cleavage shirts, anything tight, anything that made me the smallest Bit confident. Slowly started planting seeds of doubt with my friends, ultimately convinced me that my best friend was no good and ended our 12 year friendship. Make me ditch all my guy friends. Abused me sexually and mentally until I was nothing.

And I’ve been carrying that feeling/self view ever since. And I’ve known that to some extent, but I didn’t realize just how much until re-telling stories of who I used to be.

——

My therapist uses mostly Acceptance and Commitment Therapy modalities in session. I didn’t really understand it until I started a research paper on it. One of the main things is to not base therapy/healing around goals, but to base them around values you want for yourself. View your life through the value lens. And things have been shifting, but now I really see where things can go.

Unrelated but related, the dynamic in my relationship is also changing drastically. I’ve had a lot more self confidence which shifted even our “lifestyle” if you catch my drift and I’m enjoying taking more a leadership role in our relationship. M and I have always been equals, but my brain has always told me that was not true. Until recently. I’ve been more about saying what I feel and challenging him when I don’t like the outcome if it feels unfair.

—-

I have never been one to submit and accept things as they are. As a little kid, I stood up for my friends and fought bullies. Things changed in Middle school and I seemed to have found myself again in college. Lost myself again, but I’m determined to get back to myself.

Confident, unapologetic, strong.

——

I think this also plays into my issues with my name. Something that I think goes deeper than just not liking my name, something i avoid in therapy.

“Kyden” and “Jersey” have been my favorite nicknames. They were college and Massachusetts, respectively. I was “Jessica” all through middle and high school. I was “Jessica” after college. The name makes me feel very dissociated. I don’t know who “Jessica” is and I think it’s because “she” is the one who went through all the bad shit. She’s the one who’s handled her parents homophobia and unnecessary pressure, she’s the one who made her family whole again after her sister abandoned my dad, she’s the one who broke her family apart during her first marriage, she’s the one breaking them apart again for the second marriage, she’s the one who was raped and abused, she’s the one who was bullied through grade school. She’s the one who’s taken everything bad and held into it because there’s nothing else that defines her.

I hate that name because it holds every negative thing that’s happened in my life.

I’ve been leaning towards making Kyden my legal name. Kyden is who I was in college. Kyden is confident and self assured. Kyden fought her way through depression and college and came out a stronger person. Kyden had/has so many friends. Kyden fought back against homophobia and Christian culture. Kyden stood out and didn’t care. Kyden challenged professors and students closed minded views. Kyden gave zero fucks and kept going even when the depression got bad.

“Jersey” was a mess, but a fun mess. I wouldn’t go back to this part of me/my life, but she taught me a ton. She was the last part of my confidence, the unhinged side I suppose.

This is the first time I’ve been able to verbalize any of that. It doesn’t seem like that big of a realization now that I’m saying it, but I’ve been too afraid to address it.

I think you can see subtle differences. But maybe it’s just me.

Jessica 1.0

Kyden in college

Jersey in Massachusetts

Jessica 2.0 right after divorce. (Lost all photos during my marriage thank goodness)

New moments of confidence and goofiness I haven’t had in years

[ethrenisnotthehero]

@hogwartsmystory is a predator (final)

If you haven’t read the other parts of this callout, I encourage you to start here. As in both previous posts, the normal tags are not included in order to allow this to reach as many people as possible. Potential triggers are listed below, and the main content is hidden to keep sensitive individuals from being unintentionally exposed.

TW: Pedophilia, Abuse, Gaslighting, Sexual Assault, Self Harm, Suicide, NSFW Topics, Faked Illness, Faked Mental Illness, Faked Death, Victim Blaming

Originally, I intended to craft this final part to you, the reader, as an emotional appeal. To be wholly honest, there’s only so much evidence that can be utilized without either forcing Jill to relive unnecessary trauma or exposing deeply intimate or personal parts of her life. Until now, everything I’ve told you and everything I’ve shown you is what was enough to convince me when Jill first reached out to me. If you, the reader, don’t believe the factual information that’s been presented so far, then I don’t think that you will. If you, the reader, believe Jill and her story, then no further evidence is going to magically make her story more true.

However, I don’t have to. Instead, I can let the friends-- the family--that Ren created on his website speak for themselves, and show you with their own testimony just the kind of person he was. Jill wasn’t the only person that Ren hurt. Jill wasn’t even the only person Ren preyed on as a sexual predator. Many people on staff, and many people outside of it, knew Ren and grew to have what they thought was a close relationship with him. People regarded him as someone to look up to, to find comfort in, to aspire after, to lean on; people thought of him as a friend and a hero in his community.

On April 12, 2021, at 9:57 AM Greenwhich Mean Time, the current administrators of Advanced Scribes issued a statement addressing Ren’s actions and his faked death. An additional announcement was made the following day. While the announcements themselves and the replies (including moderator statements) are publicly available, I have saved a print-to-PDF versions on Google for you to browse at your leisure. 

I intentionally waited until the initial panic and outrage died out a little to let the most important statements come to light. Included in the PDF are sentiments that I personally thought were the most important sentiments; edits have been made and pages have been deleted, so you can see the current state of the conversations by visiting them directly. You can find the first discussion at https://advanced-scribes.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=42100#p1454263 and the second discussion at https://advanced-scribes.com/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=42107#p1454361.

Before you continue reading, please look over the statements and replies. The words of former staff former friends say more than I can ever hope to about Ren and the kind of reality that he stood for. Additionally, Jill herself has added to the conversation (username Rakuen), so you can read a bit from her perspective by looking into these announcements. After you’ve taken a look, continue below and I will sum up my final thoughts on this predator and his legacy.

Advanced Scribes • Our Statement (PDF)

Advanced Scribes • Change (PDF)

The Act of Grooming, Part 3: Entrapment

One of the reasons that predators get away with their crimes for so long is because they trap their victims. When they gain access to and successfully lure in their prey, they then engage in entrapment behavior to separate victims from other people and build reliance. The reason why kids are so prone to predation is because of how vulnerable they are. Young people just want to belong. They just want to have community, security, and affection. When they can’t get those things in their lives, they seek it out and take it where they can get it even when the situation is obviously bad. Kids can’t be held accountable for being smart because they’re kids. Jill was vulnerable. She wanted belonging and support. She fell into Ren’s lures, and he trapped her. He used his affection as a tool to solicit sexual favors and pictures from her, but never shared his face with her. She was always chasing his love, and all the while he was simultaneously preying on other individuals in the community. For God’s sake, this man had a selfie thread where underage girls would send pictures of themselves publicly on the site for him to look at, and he even intentionally disabled the website’s COPPA features.

Before Jill, there was Buttercup. Buttercup was also an admin, and she was also 13 when she met Ren. While Ren was a minor during he and Buttercup’s relationship, his behavior with her was just as predatory and Buttercup attempted to warn Jill via PM before she ended her relationship with him.

The picture he sent Buttercup wasn’t even him.

The entire time that Ren was convincing Jill that Buttercup was evil, and jealous, and a spiteful, hateful person, he was manipulating her the same way he was manipulating Jill. Ren is a predator who knows what he’s doing; he always has. He draws in his victims and makes everyone hate them so that he’s the only person they have. He makes them so desperate for his approval that they let him screw them over time and time again, and for what? Just to see his face. Think about what you read. He didn’t just do this to Jill and Buttercup. He did this to every person he cheated with or got close enough to get a grip on. Even if he didn’t sexually exploit someone, he emotionally did. An entire community of people suffered through this over and over and over again. Read the statements again. If you only read the live version, read the PDF. 

I also want you to bear in mind that everyone on staff was equally a victim as they were an enabler. It doesn’t erase their responsibility, but their roles in this story or more nuanced than “moderator bad, burn the witch!” Some of Ren’s supporters were as young or younger than Jill when they met him. The two people most notorious for standing at his side right now were both “rewarded” with a relationship with him in the fallout of his faked death.  

At some point, this man looked at his behavior and not only decided that he didn’t need to take responsibility, but that his victims daring to try and claim some kind of ownership over their own story was a personal affront to him. 

Ren is a monster of his own creation. He chose to be that monster again, and again, and again.

What makes his enablers equally to blame is when they became adults and made a conscious choice to ignore what was happening, which brings us to the next topic.

Finally... How Old Was Jill?

Despite everything I’ve said and shared so far, I still get this question in my inbox.

How old was Jill? Did she lie about her age? Is she free of guilt because she was a kid? Did he know how old she was? Was she legal in her country?

I gave you all everything I had. There were some things I just couldn’t confirm because there was no proof either way. However, all of that changed when the announcements were released. I now know exactly how old Jill was when they began dating, exactly how old she was when people knew about their relationship, and even that Ren was public with all of this information. I also know that staff knew everything, and chose to do nothing.

As you can see in the screenshots above of Buttercup’s message, it was sent on Jun 17, 2015. At that time, Jill was 14 years old. By Buttercup’s estimation, they had been dating for around a few months, which is how I was able to discern the previous exact age of 14 years old at the time they began dating.

However, Ren himself refutes that fact in a Valentine’s post for Jill. As pointed out in the “Our Statement” thread, the post that user amnesia. references includes very sexual and disgustingly graphic descriptions of Ren’s activity with her. It also says this:

As per the timestamp of this particular post (as seen below), Jill was 16 at the time. Ren, a man claiming to be twenty-five years old at the time, was proud to admit that he had been with Jill since she was 13.

You can view the full PDF of this post to see what else he said here, but please be warned that his descriptions are NSFW and absolutely disgusting. 

Warm Fuzzies Post (PDF)

No adult should talk about a kid like that. In the statements, several staff members admit that they knew that the two were dating when she was 16, and that it grossed them out. But none of them did anything. To amnesia.’s credit, they claim they tried to pursue legal action but found no viable routes. 

From the discussions and statements, we can discern five things:

1. Jill was 13 when she started dating Ren. 2. She did not lie about her age. 3. Ren did not lie about her age. 4. Ren knew how old she was. 5. Staff knew how old she was.

Jill’s feelings and her opinions on staff and their behavior are separate from my own. She does not share my beliefs here, and I need to make it very clear that what I’m saying next is entirely my own opinion.

To everyone who was staff at that time: shame on you. It’s one thing to be a victim yourself and to not understand how or when to stand up for what’s right, especially when you’re young; it’s another to become an adult and to have let something like this permeate your legacy and your community for all this time. From what I understand, none of you are completely innocent in this. Ren wasn’t secret, he was loud and proud and he didn’t give a shit what anyone thought. Everyone who was an adult then and is an adult now shares some responsibility for that. Those of you who mean your apologies, thank you, but those of you who are using this event as a stepping stone to make that website into your own personal playground know who you are. Stop. There’s an entire generation of kids between AS and CS who have lost years of their childhoods to this shit and the only right thing at this point would be to turn the site over to the police so that Ren can answer for his crimes the right way.

To everyone else: protect the people around you. People like Ren don’t think about how other people think or feel. They don’t care who gets hurt or who they trample under their feet. Look around at your community, and ask yourself if those who interact with you know that you are safe. Inevitably, someone is going to get hurt. Are you the kind of person that they can come to when it happens, or are you the kind of person who will turn your head away? 

Be the person that everyone knows they can come to, because, eventually, someone’s going to need you.

[rosemary-writes]

Pitiful Creature of Darkness

Paul x GN! Reader

Word count: 1.9k

Authors note: this came to me in a dream about a week ago. I dreamt that Paul was so upset about something and all I remember was that his skin was soft. So, I wanted to share it.

Warnings: Mentions of a past life, implied abuse, sad Paul, serious talk, angst, apologies, and some other things that I’m forgetting

It all started when you two were at the cave. The other boys had gone out and Paul just wanted to stay in with you. Usually that meant sex but, you weren’t in the mood. So, he had settled with intense spooning on the couch with you as the big spoon. After you two got settled, you engaged him in conversation about many different things until the topic led to his life.

Paul knew most things about your life, but you didn’t know much about him. He had told you some things before, but it was never too much. However, It was an innocent question and he was happy to tell you about the good things.

Fondly, Paul told you about the different decades, silent films, and even the old West. Of course the other boys were all a part of his stories. It took him a couple of minutes to stop laughing when he told you about the first time David accidentally angered a mother opossum.

Eventually he stopped his stories after about two hours. So, you two had cuddled in comfortable silence for a while. Then you asked the one question that changed his mood.

“What about your life before you met the boys?”

It was an innocent question but you felt him stiffen. His hand ,that was holding yours, had accidentally squeezed you a bit too hard.

“I-I don’t want to talk about it, babe.”

“That’s okay, you don’t have too if you’re not comfortable with it.”

Gently, you had kissed the back of his neck. His body was still stiff as he let out a sigh.

It must’ve been a sore subject for him because for the rest of the night he was silent. You sat up at one point and you could see him deep in thought. His mood changed drastically. Even when the boys came back, he was silent and void of emotion. His behavior immediately got the attention of the boys.

David had shot you a look that said “What’s wrong with him?” Paul must’ve seen him do it because you could barely mouth something to David before Paul grabbed your hand and practically dragged you out of the cave.

“Paul, what are you doing?” You asked, as you followed him to his bike.

“I’m taking you home.” He said, as he got on. You were taken aback at his bluntness.

“If this is about the question I asked then I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.” You said, as your hands rested on his shoulders. You were barely able to look at his face before he demanded you to get on the bike.

It kind of scared you with how angry he was. The last time he got angry, he had stormed off and disappeared into the night. As you got on behind him, you could tell that was going to happen again. Except this time, he was going to drive you home.

On the way to your house, neither one of you said a thing to each other.

You were a bit worried when he stopped in front of your house to let you off and sped off with a word. Sighing, you walked into your house and remembered what happened last time.

It was a different situation. You two had gotten into a fight about the way he would flirt with different people. You did know that it was how the boys trapped people to become a midnight meal, but it still made you jealous and uneasy. Eventually, the argument escalated to the point where the boys had to separate you two. Immediately, Paul left and you were so pissed that you walked home.

Then, after a few days of not seeing each other, he showed up at your door with some flowers and he apologized.

You sighed and rubbed your temples as the memory replayed. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take a few days for this to be resolved. You hated to see him angry. The clock gently ticked that it was a few hours into the morning and you huffed. Since you were around Paul so much, you had adjusted to his schedule.

Regretfully, you were too worried to do anything. So, you walked to your bathroom, washed your face and went to your room to lay down. You didn’t really want to sleep because your mind kept wandering back to Paul. It made your heart ache when you recalled his sad face. You didn’t know it was such a sensitive topic ,but it still made you feel bad that he got upset.

Brushing the thought away, you pulled off your shoes and got under your covers and began thinking of a way to apologize to him. Carefully, you closed your eyes and kept thinking until you slipped into sleep.

—

Loud knocks woke you up. It was still dark and you couldn’t see anything in your room. The knocking continued and it grew even more frantic. Someone was banging on your window. You pulled away the curtains and noticed a very rough looking Paul. Immediately, you could see the blood all over his mouth and body. His clothes were torn and his eyes were full of tears. He must’ve gone hunting to deal with his anger.

You squinted into the distance and noticed that the sky was changing colors to prepare for sunrise. Quickly, you unlocked your window and flung it open. Paul climbed through with haste and you hurriedly closed the window and shut the curtains.

When you turned to Paul he stared at you for a second before engulfing you in a hug. He began trying to explain himself but he couldn’t get a word out between sobs. You noticed how his body shook as he began to mumble out apologies.

Your arms gently wrapped around him as his head fell on to your shoulder. Your hand came up to gently run your fingers through his hair. It almost always calmed him down.

That’s how you two stayed for a few minutes. Embracing in the middle of your room. He had quieted down but you could still feel the warm tears from his eyes and the gentle shaking of his body. When you could feel him breathing deeply, you took that as a sign that he had calmed down enough.

“You okay Paulie?” You asked quietly. Paul sniffled and nodded his head.

“Okay, can we go to the bathroom so I can clean you up?” You asked again.

“Yeah.” he responded breathily. Slowly, he slid his arms from you and moved back. His sorrow filled eyes met yours and a stray tear fell down his cheek. You grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom. Turning on the light, you gently brought him in. You noticed how he was still wearing his stained and tattered clothes.

“Is it okay if I take off your clothes?” You asked, turning the sink faucet on. Instead of answering, he shrugged off his jacket and took off his top. You grabbed a rag as he sat down. He watched you as you wet it with warm water.

“This might be a bit rough, but I don’t want you having blood stains.” You said, as you lifted his face up gently. As you started to clean off his face, you noticed how his eyes didn’t meet yours. You ran the cloth under the water and went back to his face. When you got to his cheek his hand came up to grab your wrist. You paused at the sudden motion.

“Sorry, do you have a bruise?” you asked.

“Please stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong.” answered Paul as he looked up at you. You were taken aback by his sudden sentence.

“Paul, I feel bad for asking that question and making you all upset.” you said, as your hand rested on his cheek. He sighed at your response, “But it’s not even your fault. It’s mine!” he said as his eyes began to tear up again. Your other hand came up to cradle his face.

“I want to tell you everything, I really do but, it’s so hard to talk about it because I hated my life before I met the boys and I hate how I feel when I talk about it.” Paul said, as tears began to stream down his face again.

“I wasn’t treated right and I didn’t even realize it until so many years later. I realized all of the good things about myself with them and I became who I always wanted to be. I hate talking about my past because I don’t like reliving the time I spent without them.” he admitted as he closed his eyes. He inhaled shakily before he continued.

“I hate even thinking about that life because you weren’t a part of it.” he said, pulling you to him by your waist. His head rested on your stomach as he held your legs.

“You’re one of the best things that’ve come to me in this life and-“ he paused to take in a deep breath, “and I want to spend the rest of time with you.” Paul whispered finally as you wrapped your arms around him. You had tears in your eyes that were threatening to spill. You blinked and they fell down your cheeks.

“Oh Paul.” You quietly whispered as you leaned over to hold him. You gently kissed his head, “ You don’t ever have to talk about that life ever again.” you whispered as he let out a low sigh.

A few minutes passed before Paul stood up.

“Let me clean myself. Go to your room and I’ll be in there in a few minutes.” he said, grabbing the wet rag from the sink. You nodded and walked out, closing the door behind you. With a sigh, you walked back to your dark room. The clothes you were wearing had gotten dirty with blood so you had to change. You went to your closet and pulled out some extra pillows and clothes. Quickly you slipped off the dirty clothes and slipped into the clean ones. You tossed the clothes into a hamper and put the pillows on your bed and walked over to some candles that you had. Carefully, you lit them and disposed of the extinguished match. As you walked back to lay on your bed, you heard the shower come on. Lazily, you flopped onto the blankets and pillows and got comfortable to wait for him.

Eventually, he walked out of the bathroom in just his boxers. You could see his tired expression in the candle light before you got into the bed. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close to him. You turned to face him. His eyes were closed ,but you could tell he wasn’t asleep. Silently, you brought your hand up to his soft cheek and gently cupped his face. His eyes opened and met yours. With a stroke of your thumb, he smiled.

“Are you warm enough?” you asked quietly. He nodded and closed his eyes. You watched his face for a few seconds before closing your eyes.

“I love you, I hope you know that.” he whispered, gently kissing your palm.

“I love you too Paul.” You whispered back. ”I hope you know that I’d gladly spend the rest of time with you.” You finally said. You could feel the smile on his face.

“That means you’d become a vampire.” He mumbled, as he moved his hand to rub your back.

“I know, I'd gladly become one for you.” You replied. He chuckled and gently kissed you. It was short and sweet and then he pulled away. He quietly whispered something but it fell upon the silent room as you slipped into sleep.