#it literally took days to clean
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Idk who needs to hear this but stop using fabric softener it will destroy ur washing machine and make it stink and the only way you'll be able to fix or clean it is by taking it apart lol
#the previous tenants used fabric softener a lot and the washer is fucking gross no amount of cleaning tablets or vinegar works#it still smells bad. i dont even think they checked it before we move in because the dispenser was full of mold and grime#it literally took days to clean
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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do you ever think about the fact that the entire phoenix wright: ace attorney trilogy happens because gregory edgeworth dies.
#I just… that one event… is the reason for everyone else#gregory dying is the reason miles moves away and eventually becomes the demon prosecutor which is the reason why Phoenix starts taking law#classes and Gregory dying is the reason why the fey family’s name gets sullied and is the reason why misty hides away which is the reason#why mia starts looking into the dl-6 case which is the reason she becomes a lawyer which is now she meets Phoenix which is when he sees how#much faith she puts in her clients and how it saved him which is why he fully switches to law and becomes a lawyer. and the whole reason mia#met Phoenix is bc he met dahlia Hawthorne and the entire reason he met dahlia is bc he just happened to be at the courthouse at that#one specific day bc he was doing personal research into the law bc he kept seeing miles edgeworth demon prosecutor and he wanted to save#him. and the entire reason dahlia was there was bc she was cleaning up lose ends from the fawles case which only happened bc her father left#her mother and took her and Iris away. and he left their mother bc she was Morgan fey and her power and influence was gone bc 1. she was#simply the lesser sister and 2. her family name was ruined and power was the only reason he was with her. and so her left and took his#daughters and remarried and dahlia convinced him to leave Iris behind and then. and then. and then.#just. GOD it’s so insane. the Phoenix Wright trilogy is SO well written EVERYTHING is connected#anyway. sometimes I think about the fact that the entire series happens bc gregory edgeworth is killed. and I go insnae.#also I love a good Gregory lives au as much as the next person. and like. would miles have ended up so much more well adjusted?#probably yeah! but literally NONE of these characters would be the same if he lived. god. it’s crazy.#ace attorney#ace attorney trilogy#Phoenix Wright#miles edgeworth#Mia fey#Maya fey#gregory edgeworth#phoenix wright ace attorney#manfred von karma#franziska von karma#dahlia hawthorne
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Heya @themissbanshee , so for the first time in a long time I've kept my internet art promise and drew you Fem!Wally in the Monika outfit, with some changes here and there to get it to fit her better! She did turn out pretty cute, don't you think?
Of course, this is also your reminder that I've thought of her a lot these last few days. I've done a few sketches of her, and that is probably why the Monika outfit turned out so good ahhahahm.
#does this count as an early b-day present?#probably not but it is funny to me how close yours is atm#welcome home#wally darling#fem!wally#I tried doing her in chibi form...it didn't go as planned#I would do more corrections to her but she is literally the size of my thumb so it is very easy to mess her up when I erase#her little face is the size of my thumbnail which is both very cute but makes it hard to do more stuff with her#anyways#I wasn't sure if I wanted to clean and color her in the monika outfit#but I might in the future but no promises#i hope you like this#my art#and yes the one of her looking from the side is supposed to look a little dreamy-ish#she is the 3rd one I drew right after the first 2 I did from my last post of her#redid her after that and she turned out good enough for this group#yay#but also pls appreciate her skirt it took me so long and many tries to get it to look right I forgot how hard pleated skirts were#seriously the behind bit of it is such a small detail but came out wrong enough I had to try until it looked right aahahhaha
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why do i feel weirdly guilty for taking a day off of work to have necessary surgery 🤡
#they said i could go back to work but i did that last time and it was a pain so i took the day off#and i did a bunch of errands and Accomplished Things instead of napping which is what i wanted to do#then finally sat down to watch a movie and eat and im like....feeling guilty for not being at work#insane#to be fair the hour before i left yesterday was crazyyyy bc we had a kind of crisis#ibstayed a half hour late bc there wasnt enough coverage due to the crisis and i did my coworker's clean up for her bc she literally left#without finishing it#bc she was freaking out#crisis is one of the kids had lice lol#anyway she left without finishing her cleanup even tho the owner of the school and our boss's boss dropped by#to let us know the health department was coming thennext day (today)#and she Went Home even tho there was literally cottage cheese all over the floor wtf#anyway i was watching the kids while my supervisor bagged up all the stuffed toys and sheets and blankets etc to wash#then i did my other co teachers cleanup while my supervisor tried to do afternoon diapers but she was so late starting only 4 kids were lef#out of like 8 or 10 that probably should have been changed#so half of them went home without a final diaper change lmao#anyway#bugs 😬#i got a lice treatment shampoo and leave in conditioner but yuck#anyway i just felt really bad bc im out and they always need people but also im out on the day we're getting a ladt minute health inspectio#and i know that classroom is gross bc the cleaning crew thats supposed to come in every night has definitely not been doing that#this has been a shitpost#anyway my eye surgery hurts so bad wah 😭#its not even supposed to hurt that much but im like wicked sensitive to the light or something that it hurts a lot even w eye shields#and nobody is babying meeee#my mom made me clean the kitchen and the barn when we got home :(#my brother is making gf cookies for me tho but not bc of the surgery he just wants to try baking gf for me in general bc he's nice#also he's making 61 cookies by accident instead of 18 bc he doubled the recipe and then realized it was a recipe forngiant cookies lmao
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ough why did my iv drip hurt so much 😭 i had preseptal cellulitis as a kid and they gave me iv antibiotics so it'd be a quicker recovery and the cannula was in my hand and apparently its not supposed to hurt but every 4? 6? hours when they switched the drip on i just remember it hurting so much i cried. makes me squeamish even now
#chaos.txt#that hospital trip was so crazy i remember it in such vivid detail and i was like. 8#my eye hurt thursday evening my dad said there was no point going to a&e we'd rather wait till morning#in the morning it was all puffed up and crunchy and we went to the hospital :-) and my dad took me to eye casualty#and we sat for a few hours i remember the waiting room and everything. eventually got seen sent up to this empty ward#literally 10 beds and just me. my mum bought grapes. they put in the cannula#they tried to distract me but i rly didn't want it lol so i was squirming so i always think maybe i just made them do it wrong?#my mum had to leave the room because she's squeamish 😭 hurt like hell#then i fainted a while after. definitely related my body doesn't like needles#got moved to this other ward much busier and then honestly i don't remember#i know that i went to the kids play area on saturday and got disappointed because they only did workshops on weekdays#and my mum met a woman whose older kid had been there for a while and i was jealous of his walking IV#and in the night this girl was brought in next to me with a bunch of red angry spots#and my hand burned when they switched the IV on so my dad held my hand :-)#and there was a boy with a broken leg the next ward over and i was so fascinated by the sling#and when they took the cannula out it didn't hurt at All but i was like oh there's blood there ! so i started cleaning it up#and the nurse said oh you'd make a great nurse one day :) and i think one of my parents said or a doctor!#and . well. here we are. god 10 years later. what a wild ride
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So evil when a thing tugs on a healing piercing and u experience the wrath of God condensed down to a single moment
#speculation nation#i accidentally hit my eyebrow piercing a week or two ago and it's been angry at me since#and i accidentally caught it on my phone charger just now and Ow ow ow ow ow ow#i love the gender of my eyebrow piercing. god is it inconvenient though.#i also think i have a slow healing factor or smth. piercings take Forever to fully heal for me.#i'll stay cleaning them every day etc etc but they take so much longer than ppl say they will.#then again it'll sometimes take literal months for bad bruises to fully heal. so i think it's just a me problem.#i have a spot on my leg that i bruised Badly while getting out of the shower last like. november#and it hasnt been visible since december (took like a month+ to go away)#but 8 months later it Still hurts when i press on that spot. it's fucking crazy man what the hell is my body.
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ok as an artist i personally find traditional painting to be. really really annoying. like. i do not have the patience for it and i just find it to be really frustrating to set up and actually do and i end up not liking the results. i find that there's little room for mistakes and trying to fix them usually ends up with me making 50 other ones, paints can be so inconsistent and having to rely on availability and certain brands to continue making the paint is really inconvenient, not to mention expensive. spending a bunch of time trying to mix the right shade of paint, only for it to go down a completely different shade of colour and not being able to do anything about it is so frustrating as someone who likes consistency and having things just, y'know, not change colour as soon as it dries. plus, they all use different chemicals and can go off really easily or change textures and i am just not ok with having all my materials having an expiration date like food. lead and graphite pencils just don't do that and they can last for years, they're more reliable. every paint is drastically different and trying to find the right one is not only time consuming but, again, expensive, and i don't even see the point in experimenting when most of my materials end up not even getting used if i don't like using them. plus, i'm just.... really impatient. waiting for paint to dry sucks and is why i much prefer digital or just drawing something because i don't need to wait for anything, it just works. and then when i do want to take my time and work slowly for a better result, it dries too fast. it's kinda hellish trying to balance that time, especially considering how inconsistent paints are.
i like to use guidelines when doing art and i find painting straight onto a canvas to be really tricky because there's a lack of direction for me to actually paint. i'm at a complete loss at what to do when i pick up a brush because i can't map it out first without risking screwing up the paint. there's just so many things to keep track of and so much wet paint to avoid and i just do not have the mind for it. putting colours on a canvas and praying that it works just isn't it for me and requires a discipline that i just don't wanna involve myself with. painting is also just like... really exhausting and kinda painful. i got some pretty bad back issues and my arms tire and get sore easily and quickly when i'm standing in front of a canvas. it's a really physical activity for me and i just don't find something to be very fun to do at all when it's physically hurting me. i know drawing on a canvas has this issue too, which is why i prefer sketchbooks. sitting down and drawing something that doesn't break my entire spine every time i do it is much more preferrable than questioning if i should go to the doctor every time i make a brushstroke, lol
that's not to say that there's nothing i like about painting though! i can paint simple little things, and i like doing that. i like mixing colours with a palette knife and i find it fun and even a little relaxing. i painted some cute little chibi cardboard cutouts of the mario brothers one time and i found that to be really fun and i think i'd like to do that again! but apart from that, i just do not have the patience for it. i love the look of traditional paintings and i find many to be really beautiful, but i could never get into actually doing it myself because i hate the process. i'm content with just sketching and doing digital stuff because that's more fun to me and less stressful of a process to do. it's fun, it allows for more mistakes, it's easier to build up layers of shading and lines, not to mention using building up a figure with guidelines is super helpful with visualising what i want it to look like, and i can just erase something if i don't want it there or want to change something. it just makes sense to me.
tl;dr i dont like painting because it's inconsistent, expensive, time-consuming, directionless, frustrating and it makes my back hurt really bad. i'll just stick to drawing stuff :)
#vent#artist vent#i hate painting#i hate it so much and i just cannot understand it nor do i have the patience for it#i seriously had a crack at it and i just find it to be so annoying#there's so much preparation and i'd much prefer just whipping out a pencil and eraser and scribbling something down#to be fair though i do enjoy other art mediums that require more preparation#i find crafts to be fun and i really like working with air dry clay#using clay is just creating a little creature and i really quite like it a lot#making little cardboard guys is fun if not a bit tricky sometimes because my hands are so big compared to the tiny bits of carboard im usin#but it's very fun and cardboard is easy to get#clay is not so easy to get but you can get a lot of it and make many things with it#the only things i really dont like about clay is fingerprints and the fear of having your art literally explode when you fire it up#but other than that? fun!#painting? not fun!#paint is so messy and i don't like having goopy stuff getting stuck on me and all over my fingers all the time funnily enough#if i bump into something (which is very likely for me because i am clumsy) then oouuguh there goes all the paint its everywhere now#oh my god you know what i hate the most. i hate oil paints. i hate them so much.#the smell gives me bad headaches and makes me feel faint and it's hard to clean and dispose of and it's just more chemicals to deal with#it's just acrylic but more annoying#i don't think it's edible either which is. frustrating#it's also harder to clean out if you get stained with it (which is very likely because paint is messy)#i just dislike oil materials in general. they smell weird and they do not wash off. i still have oil pastel stains on one of my favourite-#-shirts despite the fact that it has been washed multiple times. and it took several days and so much fucking scrubbing to get-#-it out of my nails and off my hands completely. actual hellscape.#i know graphite and lead pencils would never betray me like this#pencils are so reliable and i love them <3#pencils and drawing equipment in general are just more reliable and don't expire or develop inconsistent textures (except erasers for some-#-reason) and they don't! hurt! my! back!#like i'm over here needing to do the riker maneuver to sit down after i paint my back hurts so bad
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anticipatory grief is a hell of a thing
#literally just petting and cuddling leia and hit with the grief of her short lifespan#unless i get sick or injured she will die before me#she's three and a half now#i still have her baby teeth yaknow#she's blowing her coat again#and i was thinking one day that's all I have left of her#the fur i just can't get up#after i lost my 1st dog Rainer it took me almost a year to clean the window he liked to look out of#i dont find Rainer's fur anymore#his boogers are gone from the car window#now Leia's are there#I'll lose those too eventually it seems#I'm okay just yaknow sad#pet death tw#tbc Leia is find she's healthy#I'm just dwelling in the future
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The Murder Of The Hierophant
CozySmp Lore
TW: gore, death, terribly sad, so so so sad, violence, cuntfromlvjy (referred to as 'Cpt')🥰 (gore in tags too)
during an argument, Cpt gets right up in squoops face, she can almost taste the alcohol on his breath. he looses control, he draws his sword and slashes it up her back, slicing her wings until they are hanging as if just by a nerve, she slumps to the floor, pinkish blood pooling. lucas who was standing in the doorway lets out a blood curdling scream and launches himself at Cpt. knocking him to the floor lucas pinned him down by sitting on his stomach, he pounded the axe into his fathers face and chest, splattering blood and brain matter across the khaki walls. he sobbed tearlessly as his arms tired from the constant swinging of a netherite axe, and a small weak cough brought him out of his blind rage.
"lu- " squoop choked again from behind him "l-lucas? i- i cant see" her voice was more timid than he had ever heard it "im scared" his heart shattered, he scrambled and knelt in the ever-growing pool of his mothers blood and grabbed her pale, shaking hand, noticing how cold and grey it already was. lucas could hear every movement like someone had placed a sonogram funnel into his ears. "lucas.. i- i dont want to die.. plea- please.." her voice was weak and quiet. it had already clicked.
"stay still mama" he already knew. "its gonna be okay, just hold on" she would be dead and there was nothing to do but watch his own mother bleed out infront of him, the dark liquid seeping into the fabric of his clothes like tar.
"lucas look at me.. please" she raised a shaky hand up, and he pressed his face into it, still holding onto the other like a lifeline. "my beautiful boy". she ran her calloused thumb across his soft cheek, he gazed into her eyes, her blue iris's had dulled, but her inky black pupils and sclera reflected the universe. her hand left his face harshly, and her quivering breaths no longer tormented his ears. but the sound of her last echoed like a broken record.
#cosmp goes crazy#cozysmp#lucas and his mama (sad edition)#LOL who needs wings anyway!!!!#(follow up - squoop didnt wake up for a few days. lucas got help from someone to stitch squoops wings back together#but he refused to re-entre the house because of the literal corpse of his father in the living room#once squoop woke up they had very little recollection of what had happened- so they cleaned the blood from the floor (body was just gone ?)#((im implying someone took it)) but the stain never really left. and the bloodied antlers make a great wall decoration for lucas's basement!#close bracket
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#my baby has cried…all day#took one 2 hour nap in *checks watch* 14 hours#slammed a Red Bull at 3 so I wouldn’t fall asleep#she’s not hungry. her diaper is clean. just mad at the world! which I RESPECT but damn girl. sleep helps sustain the rage!#anyway I wanted to stress shop for lounge clothes since I never leave my house now#but the lake pajamas sale SUCKED#literally nothing except robes in my size#so if you have other suggestions I’m all ears!
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it isn’t the end of the semester but i’m already having my end of the semester breakdown oh my GOD I am going to have a heart attack. sprite save me
#nothing is done!! not my applications not my interviews etc#I am running out of time to graduate in June and I could just graduate in august but then I have to admit to my family that I fucked up bad#it takes 3-6 weeks to get IRB approval I need to step on it#it’ll take at least 4 for my paid leave forms for work to go through and I don’t know if it’ll get approved#and if it does when do my benefits start#I feel like an idiot where those forms are concerned because it needs an occupation code and I don’t know if it’s specific#or if I can just select the one that best matches my job description and I can’t find that info anywhere#my body is literally shutting down I have two golf ball sized tumors and I can’t get out of bed but I can’t sleep#my car is kaputt and I have to call several different shops to get it seen because the one I took it to couldn’t fix it#and is any of it worth it!! is any of it!!#I cried for like three hours today bc I tried to talk to my mom about it and. well. she was very much a mom about it and not helpful#like yeah! obviously I want to graduate in June! but my research isn’t even approved because I haven’t been able to get myself#to complete the application for the last six months! Jesus Christ!#I can’t sleep and I’m so tired I’m so so tired my brain just straight up isn’t working!#I swear to god if I finally meet with my advisor and he does his well you don’t seem to need my help bullshit again#I’m gonna actually snap and kill him#anyway. need to do three things by end of Wednesday. just three things#clean. irb. and paid leave. that’s it that’s all.#it’s what I’ve tried to do the last four days and I’ve accomplished none of it but. Jesus Christ it’s gotta get done#FOUR THINGS I have to call the shop to get an estimate for a car I’m not even going to bother to fix#ok vent session over#delete later#fkdjdjshhaa im a MESS#sprite save me 😭#save me sprite. save me
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Me vs outlining a perfect plan for my day in my head which I can be the only one allowed to change the schedule vs my mom asking me to do 2 simple tasks
#she was like hey can you take the trash out I was like ughhhh okay yeah give me a min (I was still ordering weed)#my mom less than a minute later : hey if you want to break down all the cardboard out there I’d appreciate it Me: actually I’d rather not I#was about to shower right after I put this weed order in#then she gets all pissed at me bc I never do what she asks and blah blah blah blah blah#like. girl. I know she can’t see in my brain but I was not awake last night watching cleaning videos and psyching myself up for a day full#of cleaning my room and showering and doing laundry and cleaning funks cage and doobs cage and making my bed and dusting my ceiling fan and#taking apart my box fan to clean it and cleaning the water pitcher in the fridge and deep cleaning#like GAH I HAVE SO MANY PLANS TODAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#ripping my hair out and screaming banging my fists on the floor#I literally was like yeah I’ll take the trash out no I will not break down boxes right now and she went off on a whole fucking thing like#just shut up.#I hate it. why do I make plans in my head of the exact order I have to do things and if one person suggest doing anything differently or#pushing my schedule back further than I wanted to myself I get so annoyed I explode into a ball of flames#I wanted to shower dry off pick up weed let out funk refill the humidifier clean the bathroom mirrors throw sort and clean the bathroom#shelves sweep start a load of laundry clean off my desk which means cleaning and organizing my closet or my desk dresser thing to fit the#crap on my desk and I have to clean and reorganize the space next to my desk so I can fit my boombox there bc the humidifier took its place#next to funk and like I want to just cry why does everything have to be so fucking difficult for me why is everything simple for everyone#else and for me every simple task is composed of one million baby tasks that I have to do in the correct order forever or everyone around m#will think I’m stupid and dumb forever like WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DO THING#IN WHATEVER ORDER AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN A 20 MINUTE SETBACK DOESNT COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR DAY#AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT#BUT INSTEAD. I WILL GO TAKE THE TRASH OUT. AND NOT BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BC THAT MEANS GETTING MY KNIFE AND MY HEADPHONES AND PUTTING MO#CLOTHES ON WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE#TO THE WHOLE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHOWER THING#UGHHHHHHH#I am the worst human on the planet and I deserve infinite suffering#fuck this whole thing I’m pissed I’m gonna listen to music and rage clean after I pick up weed and shower
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baked a cake from scratch, fed the dogs and the father, cleaned the kitchen, wrapped christmas presents. wearing a beige sweaterdress and black ballet flats, hair in bun. reading a profile on hilaria baldwin…the cottagecore tradwife in me is winning i fear
#im being sarcastic but honestly though i keep having the creeping and uncharitable thought of like. i don’t think this is quite as hard as#my mother has always made it seem. and my father is literally zero help and she works really hard but also there was always the not-always-#unspoken implication that the reason the house was always kind of messy and disorganized and everything was kind of chaotic and accompanied#by a distinct sense of overwhelm was because of my sister and I#either our stuff or our actions or the fact that taking care of us took up too much time she could devote to other stuff#but neither my sister nor i live at home full time anymore and when we do at least i am objectively more helpful than anything else#so im like okay well that wasn’t it then#and like i also get that everyone thinks they could do better until THEY get married and have kids and then you see#but the backlash against the pressure for everything to be picture perfect has turned into (imo) a general “relatable” idea that#adulthood and especially marriage and parenthood is nothing but a slide into complacency and chaos forever and like. i just don’t agree wit#that. obviously you cannot live as you did as a single person or a non parent but the prevailing image of parenthood i see advertised as#“realistic” is one where everyone is constantly exhausted unhappy and living in filth#i See a question from a woman asking how to SURVIVE nine whole days of winter break with her children. SURVIVE? wtf?#i do think parents of today spend too much time with their children and that’s part of the issue but also like. i cannot believe that#everything is as thoroughly and completely awful as it is pretty much always portrayed nowadays#and how i see it reflected at me. and this isn’t like a housewives don’t work aaaa thing because no.#but like. when i see people being like you can’t expect your sahm to get the laundry done OR dinner made OR the house clean on a consistent#basis EVER i am kind of like…..but literally what are you doing then if none of those things??#cause unless you homeschool or have literal infants (whole different ballgame) then like…what are you doing#maybe an unpopular opinion but I think a lot of women are bad at being housewives. because it is a skill that women used to study and learn#and now it’s not but it’s still the most important job in society#so we took away all the instruction manuals for the backbone of society and now who comes the closest to approximating an educational resou#? influencers. which is horrible because any person you are taking advice from on Instagram is someone with a public Instagram account#which automatically makes them odd and untrustworthy and not someone at least I would want to emulate.#my mother doesn’t apply to this she is a great homemaker her issues are (1) time management (2) fatigue (3) starts too many projects#but i digress#i suppose i shouldn’t say that I reject the idea children turn your life to chaos because I don’t. but I do reject the idea that#the chaos of parenthood sentences everyone to a perpetual state of overwhelm and reactivity#that simply has never been the case for people in any time period before now even when raising children and the daily business of living wa#far more labor intensive
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Some days it feels like I am just desperately trying to find reasons to live so I don’t jump off a bridge and it’s hardly even working
Edit: I have spent some very necessary kitten cuddle time and received some very sweet messages from people and I am feeling more sane, definitely recommend nice people and cats lol
#listen i don’t want to be complaining all the time but this is my blog and this is where I vent so maybe just ignore this#literally searching on Pinterest and google reasons to stay alive reasons not to kill yourself etc and all they want to give me is the#crisis line number lol#i really feel like ive surpassed my limit for things I’m able to take today#and it hurts really really bad like it’s just too much#i had my annual eval with my boss a little while ago and she hates me so much she doesn’t even try to hide it#and she just disrespects me and tears me down at every turn no matter how hard I try#and im still stuck in this job by contract until January first and this job makes me want to fucking die#like you Can literally spend your days taking pictures of bloody murder scenes and talking with witnesses and victims and such and she’ll#still say you aren’t doing enough or dedicated enough to this job#and i really went in there with the notion that I was just going to roll over and take whatever she threw at me because it’s not worth it#she turns everything into a fight and all of a sudden she’s going REALLY? you REALLY think you do (this function of your job that you#definitely do multiple times a week despite her skepticism like it’s literally in my memos there’s evidence#and something that I haven’t had the heart to talk about has kind of come to fruition today#about a month ago I was cleaning out my car in preparation for my inspection and I pulled out a box from the mouse infested storage unit a#few months ago that I was just going to throw out because that stuff disgusted me too much to look at#and we had thought we had checked everything and cleaned it all before bringing it in my car or house and I pulled it out and it had#burrow holes in it from#a mouse i literally stopped typing that tag because I heard one and I took the box out and over the last few weeks I thought I heard a c#creature scurrying but I was like I’m probably just paranoid this was from months ago it’s probably gone#and today on my lunch break I started to clean my car and low and behold I found it’s little nest home thing with all kinds of makeshift#bedding and I put down poison so hopefully it will eat the poison and leave my car to get water cause they’re supposed to seek out water#and it’s like honestly I’m not sure how much more I can take right now like I’m really trying to be positive and focus on the good and all#and i just kind of wish that I could decide to die and it would happen painlessly and I’d just be gone#it would be so much easier for everyone I think if I was gone
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AHHH I CLEANED MY ROOM IT LOOKS SO NICE IM GONNA CRY
#i really struggle with cleaning so this took literal days#not because it was all that dirty (it kinda was) but because cleaning is just so draining#but im trying to get better! and i think it might stay clean this time!
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