#that hospital trip was so crazy i remember it in such vivid detail and i was like. 8

[justabunchofdragons]

ough why did my iv drip hurt so much 😭 i had preseptal cellulitis as a kid and they gave me iv antibiotics so it'd be a quicker recovery and the cannula was in my hand and apparently its not supposed to hurt but every 4? 6? hours when they switched the drip on i just remember it hurting so much i cried. makes me squeamish even now

[dzpenumbra]

4/20/23

Blaze it. Says the guy who unceremoniously quit smoking weed like 3 or 4 months ago. And is too afraid to start smoking again because I'm super prone to freak-outs and I live alone. Yay.

I'm tempted to smoke at some point, I have been for a while. To the point where I've been tempted to ask my new doctor for an emergency xanax prescription or something, so I have something to help me come down a bit if I'm freaking out.

I hate that I'm still dealing with this, it's so fucking lame. I can't drink because it fucks up my stomach. I can't smoke cigarettes because apparently, given public opinion and ungodly restrictive pricing, it's literally the worst thing you can do to your body. Somehow managing to oust injecting neurotoxins into your body for no reason other than to make it cosmetically appear that you're good at sucking dick. I miss having a substance to help me relax. I have coffee to make me go up, and that's it. Nothing to chill me out.

I've been dealing with stupid weed freak-outs since I was 17. Freshman orientation, the first week of college. I remember walking around campus right after smoking a bowl with my friend Raphael, and we ran into our RA... who told us we were late for an orientation thing that was going on in the auditorium. And we walked in, and there were like... maybe 10-15 people spread out through the audience, and a speaker on stage. And the dude pointed out both of us entering, stopped his fucking presentation and pointed us out, saying something like "glad you could finally join us..." or something. And I was supremely fucking high. And his coy tone, and presence, and the feeling of being trapped and called out, and the bright red seats, the whole vivid scenario... turned into a hellscape for me. Very literally. I was like... "oh... I'm in Hell, this is like... the orientation for Hell. I died." Like a fucking psychological horror movie, like I got tricked into crossing over to the afterlife. Because that's how my creative brain works. And I handled it pretty well, I think I went and sat there for a while, maybe I stuck the whole thing out? Maybe I said fuck it and left halfway through, I don't remember. But... that was... I think... the first big freak-out of that caliber I ever experienced. The first of many.

I've been trying to research the hell out of them since. That was like... 2004. We've learned a lot since then. I think the most accurate term I have been able to find for them were "panic attacks", but those don't always really feel like they describe... the immersion of these experiences. Like... I was very convinced. I was in Hell. That's just where I was, and now I need to figure out what to do. I was terrified that I was going crazy for a while, especially back then, mental health was really not nearly as openly discussed and commonly known about back then. I was mostly concerned that I was having the beginnings of schizophrenic episodes. And that I was going to be hospitalized or something, institutionalized or some shit. That my life was basically over before it really started, and it was my fault.

Add to this that I didn't have anyone to talk to about the entire process. No good friends, who could've like... sat me down and gone "yeah, I get freak-outs too sometimes, they're super intense, but like... it's just a thing that happens, and you just need a trip-sitter kinda person to help you through it." Nope, definitely did not get that advice at any point in my life.

I've learned very recently that what these experiences are... are an alteration in the salience network of the brain. From what I have read, and I would really love to learn more about this so please do chip in if you know any more detail about this... The salience network apparently... moderates between the conscious and the subconscious. The "you" voice, You the experiencer; and the thoughts you have, memories that come to you, dreams you have, the "voices in your head". Apparently the salience network keeps the balance between those two, and weed can fuck with that. Which... is why it can help with stimulating creative thought, and why I was trying to use it in therapy to help bring down the walls I was building to stop myself from seeing a lot of the causes of pain I was in, but to do that in a safe supervised environment, so I could have emotional support and help grounding if I got overwhelmed. What I read, to help sum it up, is that disruption in the salience network can make a delivery guy knocking at the door be convincingly perceived as the FBI knocking on the door. It can make an anxiety chest pain be convincingly perceived as an imminent heart attack. Shit like that. It is not uncommon with weed at all. But I was not educated about this.

I kept smoking after that freak-out, regularly. I surprisingly didn't really have any more problems until one day, when me and... Raphael again... we scraped our bowls and made a big resin ball and smoked a bunch of it right before my English class. Like I went... right there. It culminated in a gigantic panic attack. And what I experienced there, at the time I was convinced were... hallucinations? But... I've learned so much about perception of reality since then, I realize how clumsy and naïve that definition would be. I have done mushrooms and acid and seen actual visual manifestations that weren't there. Like... shadow creatures, and little people dancing in fireplace embers, and geometric swirls in the clouds. In fact, my most vivid hallucination ever was after doing coke for 3 days straight, not sleeping at all, and drawing on my friend's wall in a blacklit room while we were listening to Mindless Self Indulgence. Poetic, yeah? XD I was so exhausted that I just lay down for a minute and I vividly saw a cat come over to me. A calico tabby cat, I did not for a second doubt it being real. I reached over to pet it and my hand went right through it and I immediately fell asleep. There was no cat in that house, there were two dogs, I was literally dreaming while still awake. Those were hallucinations. But what I experienced in the English classroom? That was a salience dysfunction issue. That was hearing the class laugh at a joke the teacher was making, but being so caught in my head that I didn't hear the context, so I was convinced the laughing was 100% pointed at me. It was feeling tingling in my body from my body high and was convinced that I was going to lose bowel control and shit myself in the middle of class. For ages, I haven't had a way to describe why this was so... traumatizing, why I was even classifying these as hallucinations rather than... insecurities? Anxieties?

It's because of how visceral and experiential they were. It was because of how real they were. It wasn't "I'm worried they might be laughing at me". It wasn't "I feel like they're probably laughing at me". It was "they are laughing at me." To the point where I went to the teacher after class and asked the teacher why they were laughing at me! I'm not even kidding. Same with the body sensations, it wasn't "man it would be really embarrassing if I farted in class". It wasn't "maybe my stomach's upset." It was "I am going to lose bowel control, it's just a matter of when." Very dreamlike. Like... in a dream... you don't question that you're in a cafe in an airport, but it's underground for some reason... and you're talking to a rock star idol of yours and just shooting the shit. You don't question it, it's just what is occurring. My phobias were being treated as the primary reality, and the toggle switch between critical/analytic mind (conscious) and intuitive/dreamlike/creative mind (subconscious) was impaired, so I couldn't snap myself back into questioning it. Especially back then when I had zero experience doing it and didn't even know what was happening.

I think this weakness is also part of why I am so experientially creative. Why my art and my inspiration come to me so effortlessly and easily. My theory is that it's the same conduit, the same process. I think I have a naturally more porous boundary between my conscious and subconscious, maybe less mediation, not sure. And I source my creativity directly from my subconscious. So... this weakness is not just a strength, it's kinda the core of most of my artistic identity... aka, my identity.

So yeah, because of my lack of ability to like... manage that properly... to ground myself in those moments and actively bring control back to my conscious mind. And my lack of desire to like... live in a terrifying psychological horror movie... I stopped smoking weed. And avoided it like the plague, for 15 years. Until 2018.

I have to use the bathroom, we'll be right back with more WeedTales after this quick break.

I gave weed a shot again after I broke up with my ex for good. Maybe a month or so after. I wanted to get off of meds, and I wanted something natural to help me do it, because I'd been through benzo withdrawal before and I really really wanted something to make the process more bearable. So I gave weed a try. And it really helped. It really did. For a while, too. Until I saw a Darren Brown special while stoned out of my mind, which fucked up my sense of reality and made me question literally everything I knew about fate and predestination and free will and shit. And not in a stoned college student going "whooooa wouldn't that be cool tee hee" 3rd person like they're watching a movie kind of way... like a "you just woke up in a hospital in 28 Days Later" kind of way. In a very very real, experiential way. It was an existential crisis, a... "what the fuck am I?" "Do I even choose anything at all?" "Do I even exist?" And it started to freak me out at existential levels, like a waking night terror. And I had no one to call, so I rode it out. And I went to the counseling center the next day to tell them about it. They had me with an emergency person I was seeing for the first time. I tried to tell her about it, how I felt like I was dying... which isn't entirely accurate, but it was the best I could sum it up in like... the 15 minutes I was offered. And she referred me to an outpatient program at a mental health facility. Which is kinda not cool, in hindsight.

After I got back, I started making more and more art. I learned more about meditation and trance induction techniques. I kept leaning in towards the void. It really was like a call of the void thing. The thing that freaked me out the most, that fucked up and derailed my life so many times, it just kept calling me back. The oceanic abyss of the subconscious. Dream recall, painting dreams, sourcing stories from dreams to make mini graphic novels, stream of consciousness poetry and writing, divination practices, intuitive drawing, shit like that. I was developing a process of prying open the door between the conscious and subconscious mind, and shoving a doorstop in there... So that I could dive in that endless ocean of inspiration and grab an unpolished gem whenever I wanted. That is development of an artistic process. And ritual.

Doing that alone... was terrifying... and to top it off, made me lose all my friends and family. And I'm glad they're gone. It pains me to say it, but I am. This weird spiritual dream artist is the person I have been since I was like... 16? Maybe even younger? And don't get me wrong, I am lots of people... but that's the one that like... I feel most alive and where I belong being. And they not only didn't support me, they actively tried to convince me what I was doing was "dangerous" and "self-destructive"... and implanted those ideas into my subconscious mind, to turn me against myself. And it worked. And the freakouts started again, in full-force, regularly. And I went off to a retreat seeking sanctuary... to finally safely get off of meds and to be around people who would actually offer me the support I needed. Unfortunately, the price I had to pay for that was abandoning my creative process entirely.

I was in there for 8 months. When I left... I was lost and trying to re-find myself. And a month later, the pandemic started.

I didn't start smoking weed again until last summer. So, summary, my weed smoking periods were... 2003 -> 2004, Spring -> Summer 2019, Summer -> Winter 2022. That's it.

When I last smoked, it was after my dog died. And I was not sleeping at all. I was sleeping from like... 3AM to dawn. Then getting up and making yogurt and granola and listening to music and carving and reading books on modern Druidry and shit all day. Weed helped me sleep again. I mean that sincerely. Some of the best sleep I've gotten this year was when I was high. In fact, most of my first journal entries on here were written while I was high. It was part of my bedtime ritual.

Sleep and bedtime have been my biggest thorn in my side since I was a teenager, the core of most of my mental health issues, I would wager. The sleep ritual of smoking to ease the body and let go, then journaling to kinda purge the chaotic and dark thoughts and resolve any issues I'm carrying? It brought me a peace that made falling asleep and staying asleep really easy.

And now... now, I'm struggling to sleep again. And it feels like when my dog died. This is day 3 or 4 now, I don't know anymore. And I don't think it was the neighbors this time, but I could be wrong. I did the same "get up after 5 hours of sleep, eat cereal, then get into the comfy chair, pop in the AirPods with noise cancelling and pass out again" thing.

So... I guess where I'm at with weed is... because I have like... at least 1/8 just sitting in my house, and a bottle of tincture too. If I were to smoke right now... what I fear is going to happen... yep, fear of Fear again... What I fear is going to happen is that I'm going to be woken up by my upstairs neighbors making noises... and my salience is going to be all fucky... and I'm going to wake up thinking there are people in my house, or some other unpredictable surreal narrative. And that wouldn't be so bad if I had someone I could text or call and sorta work through the anxiety attack, to help me ground, like I fucking tried to do in 2019 and my asshole "friends" would rush me off the phone and fucking roll their eyes at me. If I had that available, to just go "yo, I just woke up and I'm still a bit high, but I'm hearing sounds in my apartment and it's kinda freaking me out, could you just like... chill with me, or help me sort through whatever thoughts I'm experiencing, and help me reset my vibes?" That is literally the only thing I've needed for the past... at least 4 years. A good goddamn friend that's there when I need it. That's it.

But... since I don't have that? I'm genuinely scared. Because that feeling, it's like knowing with at least 85% certainty that when you lay your head down on your pillow tonight, you're going to have one of the worst nightmares you've ever had. And no one will be there to hold you and comfort you when you wake up. Motherfuckers wanna tell you "you're being dramatic" or "suck it up" or "grow thicker skin". <shakes head, grimacing>

So yeah, happy goddamn 4/20. If you don't have a severe anxiety disorder, consider yourself lucky that you have a natural outlet available to you that isn't an existential liability. I am very envious.

After all this... why am I still drawn to weed? You'd think I'd avoid it again, like I did for 15 years. Well... because I think it's the key. I think it's the key to building the skills I need to conquer my everyday anxiety limitations. I think a lot of what I'm dealing with in like... being anxious about driving while tired... or being anxious about being mugged on the streets and shit... I think it's so difficult because of how real it feels. Because it's a powerful real feeling. And I think if I can train dealing with bigger, more visceral freakouts... these everyday things will be child's play. It makes sense in my head, on paper... maybe less so. It's a theory.

Today was basically just... yoga, nap, shower, work on the "whiteboard" animation, practice guitar a bit, dinner, work more, watch stream, and... here I am. Nothing big, nothing too notable. Just... more sleep deprivation. And it's really taking a toll. So... yeah... I think that's a big part of the push towards weed. But ultimately? I think getting my sleep schedule more regulated will do more good than just smoking.

But I mean... I've naturally gravitated to this sleep schedule for 13 years. I've been nocturnal for my entire adult life. At what point is adjusting my sleep schedule arbitrarily... unnatural? Idk. Feeling a lot of "I could be wrong about that, better not say it with certainty" tonight. Depression, I guess.

Gotta end on a better note than that! Um... I made potato skins and mac and cheese for dinner. With the skins from the baked potatoes last night. It was really good! :) That's something. Alright, I'm off to bed, my eyes are like 1/3 open.

[ichoiheedong]

who Are You [JJK] M  pt .6

JUNGKOOK X READER

Genre: smut angst

Summary:- please y/N do this for me you already did a lot before so why not this time??“  Tali begged she looked pale and weak and you hated seeing your twin like this  you bit your lips you couldn’t tell her the truth you were hiding - but how can i just marry him , i don’t even know him  and i can’t though - we look the same he will never have a clue just do it until i recover …

one   two   three  four  five

normally for someone spent his night on the forest it will be weird if he didn't hear some birds sounds or feel the slight trees moves touched by the wind unless if you weren't there

you suddenly opened your eyes , scared it was a dream again when you found out you weren't surrounded by any thing but the golden walls the satin sheets that covered your body , it was the freaking luxurious bed you have ever try

you turned again frowning when did you get here and why are you alone your hand ran on your hair as you dropped your legs to the floor still wrapped by the sheet

you hurried to the balcony peeking on and the scenery was breathtaking , the garden was really big and full of trees and roses  and more than that you saw the swing too

it was your new home ,!!

"good morning my love " you turned as first as jungkook let out coming towards you , he was smiling to you as he walked slowly towards you and you shivered

last night memories were still vivid in your mind , there is no way you could forget a single detail

" how did we get here , how come  didn't i  wake up " you asked surprised as he chuckled

" you were so tired i think and you slept like an angel so i just brought here so you can wake up like princess does  "

you blushed  looking down hearing jungkook chuckling he lifted your chin up

"aren't you going to give me my morning kiss!" he asked looking at your eyes and you felt your face burned as he gently picked your lips

" thank you for last night baby , it was sweet  he said and you grinned shyly , you didn't know if jungkook was finding this weird or he liked to tease you but any way him saying he enjoyed his time with you was something you should be proud of

"i'm gonna get a bath "

"sure get your self ready because we have a long coming day "

you nodded and walked to bed again turning t your left side

"it's on the right " jungkook said and you chuckled

" it's my first time here "

"you will get used to this place it's yours now

you flashed a smile and turned to enter the bathroom , it wasn't true this place it's not yours and you hated it this fact ,

you stood up under the shower ,warm water helped you to relax, normally Tali knows that you already did it and married jungkook but what she will never know about is you don't have to act for her sake to ,nothing that you did was fake

you truly love jungkook and maybe one day he will be yours but you couldn't wish that because simply to make him yours Tali should die and you can't wish death to your own twin

going to your bed room again you sat on the bed looking around "jungkook must put an imaginary budget to buy this place , it looked so big and fancy

you sighed and walked to the dressing to change and get ready for this busy new day

your body looked different in the mirror and  how not when the purple hickey was obvious in your neck

"it seemed like you will use your covering foundation a lot these days

you put on a jean shorts and a white dress shirt so you could hide your neck and you brushed your long hair  

you walked out and went down stairs jungkook was in the hall looking at you

" c'mon baby i'm waiting for you let's have our breakfast then we will head out

-

an hour later after you had a home tour you went out

"jungkook the garden look like a forest i can't believe this i'm so excited

he chuckled "well baby i know you would love to camp here but after a long day of work i prefer to cuddle with you in our comfy bed so please don't have  a lot of crazy ideas  

"you giggled hitting his chest , we can have  comfortable mattress any way

"c'mon we will go visit jungha and then come back here to get ready for our honey moon trip..

-

you need to drink your medicine Miss Min' the beautiful nurse came in holding her tray as Tali was checking the photo she recently received

she hated that shit , she was done with these medicine but she needed that , she made it before and for sure this time she will recover too even she doesn't feel good but she needed to try

jungkook looked happy holding your waist and kissing you in the wedding day

no one will deny how pretty couple both were but that girl isn't her and she hated that , jungkook can't be forever some one y/N owns she mumbled " i'm gonna get you back my love soon she whispered closing her eyes

-

jungha was jumping here and there as you came to see him

it was hard to leave him but to be honest jungkook didn't give you space to think o him add you felt safe knowing he was in yoongi's hand

your brother was always some one lonely he enjoyed being alone after working always playing some music in his second room and as jungha came it seemed like both like each other a lot so when jungkook tried to explain that you and him will be on a trip for few days the boy didn't cry he was quiet and you know that

he did the same when you told him you will leave him with maiva

" mommy and daddy needs to go have fun? right and me i will stay have fun with my grandparents and hyung

" hyung take care of mommy she always cry at night "jungha whispered in jungkook ears and he frowned looking at the boy as he held him up

"and why does she cry ?"

" i don't know , but she said she is scared , i think she can't be scared while you become her husband because the man protect his wife right ?

jungkook chuckled kissing his cheek , you are so smart and so cute big boy

i promise i will bring you a nice gift when i come back

"yay!!

yoongi oppa please take care of him

your brother nodded , and you let out a fainted sigh

a honey moon with jungkook !

jungkook drove back home where normally you had to get ready for the trip , and as jungkook was in a holiday he was joining you to prepare his suit case too

" y/N why are you only putting pants and leggings ?

" i feel comfortable wearing them

the young man looked weirdly at you he remembered so well that since he met you here in korea you were always wearing dresses or skirts saying it made you feel hotter , something about you was really weird and he couldn't understand what was it

"our trip is gonna be tomorrow morning " he added

"you still didn't tell me where "

"we will go to Thailand and Malaysia so we can enjoy the landscape and we can have time for our selves

your face beamed you visited Thailand before and it was freaking excited for you to go back with some one like jungkook  

you both finished packing and putting your things then jungkook suggested to take you out where you both could go strolling and you accepted

you wore your floral kimono and went down stairs searching for him

jungkook was standing hands in both pockets waiting outside his hair was naturally falling on his face just like you saw him before

as you stepped more towards him you clearly saw his teeth bunny smile and it was cute because it was the same as your son

he stretched his hand and you took it but as soon as he gripped your fingers he grabbed you and you ended up landing in his embrace

you were shaking every time he squeezed you more

" you look so small in my arms , just like a little girl

"it's not my fault you are a muscle pig

he giggled and you looked up "do you wanna see  this muscle pig  working out now? he said and all of sudden you felt your feet not touching the floor any more

you gasped

" omg jungkook put me down !!

" no it will be fun wandering around while you are on my shoulders he said as you kept shouting

" you can't be serious put me down i'm so heavy also you will get tired soon

" aww my baby wants me to stop , but it's fun he said continuing his walk until he reached the big gate

omg you giggled , as soon as you reached the first tree

i want to walk around baby c'mon you said gripping his face and decided to cover his eyes so he would stop and he did

" i will let you get down if you kissed me "

"okay help me then "

"kiss me first "

jungkook , don't see i'm on your shoulders how am i supposed to kiss you just drop me and i will

"no he said looking up so your eyes met ,you could see his crazy smirk twitching on his lips  his hands were tightly supporting you so you just bend more to the front and picked his lips

" happy?"

"emmm  he let out and gently bent his back so you jumped off

i didn't know you are this childish you said going faster as he kept chuckling

" wait y/N you don't know the place

"actually i was about to ask you , how did you get this place ?

" it took me a while to be honest but thinking of a home that can has what a wife like you need it seemed to be perfect , it's far of the city , you have your own place to practice your favorite sports and it's wide for our kids to lay around"jungkook stopped looking at the scared look in your eyes as you quickly nodded

" don't you feel comfortable to talk about kids now ?" he said and only god know when did he came that closer he held your waist

it's not like that i mean we will think about this later we still have time "

"yeah jungha will really like to have a playmate , any way i don't really know about your sister , is she okay now

your heart raced hearing that "she needs to continue her therapy i hope she could get better

"yeah jungha must missed her a lot "

"jungkook, jungha was raised by me more than her because she is always at hospital so he doesn't know any thing

the man sighed i understand that i hope she get better but at the same time i love the boy and i will feel sorry when that day come and he will leave us

your heart skipped a beat hearing his words he looked sorry

this is why i want us to have many kids we will make a big and lovely family my love

he said picking your lips and uncontrollably your tears fell soaking your cheeks and lips the way jungkook parted in chock

" why are you crying ? y/N he said and you felt how much worried he was

" i'm so sorry i just get emotional ,remembering Tali i'm sorry jungkook

he held you immediately don't cry please if you want i will take you to visit her

" no you shouted , ah i mean we can't now she is in a private clinic but we will later , c'mon jungkook it's getting late and we still here

he nodded picking your cheek and held your hand so you both could walk together

the place was really breathtaking and so calm and you wished it could be your home forever

when you made it home jungkook was closing the gate as your eyes fell on the swing attached to the big old tree

"this is where i want to spend my time " you said sitting there as jungkook walked towards you

he gripped the both sides and started to push you up

you giggled  feeling like a little girl as he kept pushing the swing up

this will be the last one he said and you pouted

"c'mon it's late y/N we need to have dinner and sleep early did you forget our trip

you nodded "ok then one more time

"sure here we go "

you gripped the  cords as jungkook pushed one more time you felt your self flying in the air as the swing went up and looking to the man standing tall in front of you; you only think of one thing so  in the few seconds you were raised up all you wanted when your feet will touch the floor again is to be in his embrace

so as first as the swing came back your hands let the cords and you threw your self into jungkook lap the way he successfully got hold of you

"i love you sweetheart ; thank you for being here with me

you kept holding him closer " i love you too jungkook

- the night was so calm as you both had dinner than jungkook forced you to bed while you just wanted to watch something on tv

" y/N c'mon you need to sleep "

"but i can't i'm not sleepy also i'm used to planes and i can be in time please jungkook let's just

watch the tv show so i can sleep

he chuckled " you know i'm being so patient right now but it seemed like you are really a brat

you pouted rolling on the bed to the left side and stayed in the same position

"y/N jungkook called your name and you didn't reply

he called again and you turned

"so what ? you wanted me to sleep ,i'm trying what do you want? you let out regretting that you actually turned to face him he was shirtless

you gulped grabbing your pillow again but he stopped you

"when i asked you to go to bed with me these early it's not only to sleep fool " he let out hovering around you

your hands gripped the sheets as soon as you felt his lips got attached to your neck

" i'm in love with your body" he hissed gripping your hips and you felt your feet went weaker just like jelly

"jungkook " we have an early trip why would we have sex now you let out gulping and he giggled lifting his head up looking at your big chocked eyes

" so you prefer watching that show rather than making love with your handsome hot husband !!"he asked sloping his head to the right and you giggled feeling your face become a red shot

and hearing this it was clear that what jungkook was planning to do will not end up this soon; but you wanted that any way

you wanted him the way he wanted you and that's what you wanted him to feel between the curves of your body ...

[hellomissmabel]

The death and life of James B. Barnes (6) - the end

MASTERLIST

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Warnings: ANGST, mentions of dying and death of a loved one and FLUFFY TIMES.

Word count: 2.053

Summary: After finding Y/N’s body, Bucky makes amends with his loss. Final part of the @hunters-from-stark-tower movie challenge!

Part 1: the sailing competition

Part 2: the accident

Part 3: the fresh start

Part 4: the first date

Part 5: the high water

She doesn’t recall much, as was to be expected. Not soon after I reached Y/N, a chopper located our whereabouts and a rescue team was sent to our aid. They found our entangled bodies, clinging together in the space between life and death, our laboured breaths the only sign they needed to pursue with our extraction. Not even the paramedics managed to properly separate us afterwards as the freezing cold had been responsible for joining our bodies like a statue made of stone.

The hospital staff was so kind as to give us one shared room so I could monitor her recovery myself.  Y/N almost died and so did I but with every waking moment she’s gaining her strengths back. She just has to open her eyes for me once so I know she’s still with me, that I won’t lose her a second time.

It all still feels so unreal but luckily I have Tony by my side to guide me through the aftermath. Imagine me having to explain to the cops how I knew exactly where to find her, that I talked to her ghosts the night before. They would’ve sent me straight to the asylum if it wasn’t for Tony.

We’ve been spending a lot of time together, waiting together for Y/N to wake up. Tony tells her stories of his glory days when he used to be the star sailor and how he met Pepper in a similar fashion as Y/N and I did.

He spoke of how Pepper initially posed a threat to him (“I might swear like a sailor but she was always the better one”) but that he learnt to put his pride aside and finally ask her out. I must admit I teared up a little inside when he talked about how she eventually lost the battle against cancer and we cried together at our losses, the memory of both Pepper and Steve still very much alive.

While we were away, Nat went into labour because she could not cope with the stress of not knowing whether her best friend had survived the storm. I apologised profusely to both Nat and Clint for breaking them apart during what is considered one of the most important moments in life, but they assured me that I should not feel guilty as the baby was born without any complications and is as healthy as can be which is what matters most.

Three weeks later and the doctors decided to keep Y/N in an induced comatose state to minimise any potential brain damage. I was also there when they made the decision to put her off life support to see if her lungs would be able to breathe on their own. Fortunately Y/N is a strong woman and if it wasn’t for her determined spirit, I would’ve given up on life a lot sooner. It’s only fair I did the same for her.

Many sleepless nights later, I am making my way towards the docks where I know she’ll be sitting patiently, her thoughtful eyes following every ripple and every wave as the sea beckons her. I understand the temptation all too well, the longing for the water to engulf me with all its might as I conquer the tides with my boat. But none of that would ever be my main priority as long as there’s Y/N. I will always put her first.

“Hi,” I say shyly, lowering the bouquet of soft pink roses and taking a quick peek at the stunning woman in front of me. She’s staring achingly at the sailboats that have gathered today for another competition, pining over the fact she will not be able to participate for a long time to come.

“Hi,” she offers back gingerly, unsure of how to react. It’s been a couple hours since she was released from the hospital, her memory still ragged and full with holes and yet here she is, returning to her first love, the sea. Nonetheless, she’s still got questions marks written all over her beautiful face and oh, how do I wish I could provide her with the answers she so desires.

I give her a kind smile even though she does not return the gesture, her lips curling downwards as she continues to focus on the boats passing by. “I stopped by the hospital to see you but the nurse told me you’d been released earlier this morning.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, carding her slender fingers through her hair, loosening the tight bun holding her luscious curls captive and I watch with rapture as it cascades down her shoulders like a waterfall. “I didn’t have the heart to call you, Bucky. I just,” she sighs again, gathering her thoughts, “I just don’t know. I don’t know anything, I don’t remember anything and it’s killing me.”

“I can tell you what happened, if you want me to.” Bucky takes a few tentative steps towards her and Y/N slowly inches back, still on guard after all that’s happened.

Clint and Tony filled her in on the conditions in which she was found, sticking like glue to Bucky’s body warmth. Yet her mind cannot wrap itself around the fact that she actually made it out alive and all thanks to Bucky. Somehow she is convinced she shouldn’t be here at all, that the time had come for her to join her parents in heaven.

He holds out the roses for her and she accepts them with a small smile lightening up her Y/E/C eyes. “Please,” she breathes out languidly as the aroma of the freshly cut roses invades her nostrils and tickles her senses awake. “I don’t know how much longer I can take it.”

Unbeknownst to Bucky, Y/N does have some kind of recollection of their date. Unwilling to give in to the preposterous idea that it was in fact all real, she simply chooses to believes it all was a very vivid, very lucid dream. Yet here he is, James Buchanan Barnes, with his pleading puppy dog eyes asking her if she wants to hear his story, their story. And she just knows, deep down, that it’s all true.

“You remember that night at the harbour?”

Y/N nods shyly, her eyes locking with Bucky’s and a wave of familiarity washes both of them clean of their insecurities. “The next day, you set out to sail and got stuck in a storm which threw you way off course.”

Her eyes start to gloss over with the tears of remembrance. It must’ve been hell for her, all alone and with a malfunctioning radio, no-one to reach out to and nowhere else to go. Completely disoriented and utterly frightened.

“This might sound weird, but I promise you I’m not joking,” Bucky begins again. “But I saw your ghost that evening.”

Bucky continues to tell a slightly startled Y/N how they had spent hours on end talking, eating, drinking wine, kissing and eventually making love. It was all so bittersweet but that doesn’t make it any less real.

Y/N’s soul fought her way back to Bucky, unaware of the whereabouts of her actual body. Her subconscious had guided her back to the one person that would be able to help her. Every single detail Bucky recalls very intensely and the longer Bucky’s words fill her ears, the more Y/N’s resolve starts to crumble.

“How do I know you’re not crazy like everyone says you are?,” she queries and Bucky would be lying if the questions doesn’t sting a little. But he understands where it’s coming from. She’s not quite willing to give up on the world as she knows it and indulge herself with the knowledge that there is in fact a world in between. That she was, in fact, dying.

“That night, you said that your parents’ death hit you harder than anything else. You recited a poem to me, you want me to repeat it for you?”

“Bucky,” she exhales slowly before nodding. “If you must.”

Taking in a deep breath, fingers crossed that he gets the words right, Bucky’s voice carries through Y/N’s bones, cutting her in half and reaching her very core with fate’s tendrils.

“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backwards. E.E. Cummings.”

As soon as Bucky utters the last word, Y/N jumps into his arms, burying her face in his shoulder and Bucky cranes his neck in order to place a chaste kiss on her temple, whispering countless I love you’s into her ear.

She finally remembers.

ONE YEAR LATER

Everyone’s at their Sunday’s best, per request of Y/N and Bucky. It’s their special day after all.

“Come on, you slug!,” Bucky calls out to Clint who’s cradling his baby girl in his arms, followed closely by Nat, showing off her little baby bump. “Or has fatherhood turned you into a pussy? You’re sure as hell going fast here, man, with a second one already on the way.”

“Watch out, Barnes,” Clint lifts a playful finger at Bucky, “Or do you want me to spill the beans to Y/N about the confession you made at your bachelor party?”

Bucky swallows visibly, laughing away Clint’s empty threat, knowing that his best friend would never tell Y/N just for how long Bucky had been pining over her before he finally had the guts to actually talk to her. But he’s not willing to take that risk because there’s no way in hell Y/N isn’t going to let him live that down for the rest of his life. “Cut the crap, Barton,” he chuckles nervously.

Friskily slapping his shoulder, Clint resumes his place by Nat’s side, gently rubbing his hand over her swollen tummy and shooting Y/N a smug grin when they make eye contact. “You look like an angel,” Clint comments on Y/N’s wedding dress.

“It’s so absolutely you to get married and start your trip around the world merely two hours later, leaving all your friends to celebrate without the bride and groom,” Natasha pipes up, wiping away a single tear so it doesn’t crack the strong front she’s trying to keep up for her friend, both of them realising they won’t see each other again for a quite a long time to come.

Y/N looks back at Bucky, her now husband, patiently waiting for her on the deck. The two of them spent a year trying to rebuilt the boat that Bucky and Steve used to sail their competitions with, not only attempting to restore the vessel to its former glory but also trying to build it into a better version, a way of commemorating their deceased loved ones.

Occasionally they would crash into a wave of emotions when Bucky spoke about Steve and the countless gold medals they collected when they were on their winning streak. He often wonders how Steve’s doing, hoping that his little brother knows deep down that he’ll always live on in Bucky’s heart. Steve’s part of Bucky’s soul just as much as Bucky’s a part of Steve’s soul. “Till the end of the line,” escapes Bucky’s lips each and every night before he falls asleep with the love of his life right there in his arms.

Little did Bucky know that when the canon shot announced sundown, Steve wasn’t waiting for Bucky to arrive so they could resume playing catch just like they had done so many times before. On the contrary, Steve had been standing at the shoreline, watching with a big, dorky smile how Bucky, Clint and Tony resolved their differences and set out to sail towards Y/N.

Steve watched and prayed for his big brother, waving one last time before rushing into the woods towards their old meeting spot, a familiar weight lifting off his chest and disappearing into thin air as Steve’s body roams these trees and vines one last time before vanishing into a ray of light, accompanying the stars above.

Even now he is still keeping an eye out for Bucky, grinning like a complete fool as he sees Bucky take Y/N’s hand in his, softly kissing her knuckles before tucking her hand in his, intertwining their fingers as he steers their sailboat away from the harbour of their hometown and towards a new adventure.

Both boys are finally at peace.

Tagging: the ever-wonderful

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