#it isn't the fucking avocado toast

[vaspider]

If you have celiac or otherwise can't eat wheat, btw, and you like bread, I highly recommend investing in a breadmaker. Even the best store-bought gluten-free bread does not hold a candle to the stuff that comes out of our breadmaker, and it's cheaper per slice even when we buy bread mix in single-loaf bags.

This is our breadmaker. Evie got it on sale, but it is an investment. I'm not going to pretend it isn't a chunk of change up front. There are cheaper ones, but the reason I like this one and think it's worth the money:

It has two smaller paddles, where our older bread maker that my mom got us and got destroyed by getting construction dust in it had one big paddle in the middle. This leaves a big hole in the middle of the finished loaf, which makes the bread much less useful for, like, sandwiches.

Zojirushi is not as well-known a brand in the US, but it's a Brand Name in Japan for good reason. Evie's had our Zojirushi rice cooker for over a decade & we had to replace the inner bowl once bc someone used metal utensils in it and scratched the non-stick coating. We expect to use this machine for at least a decade.

You can program your own cycles, which we found really useful. Evie built a custom cycle that removed the punch-down sections (gluten-free bread tends not to rise as much) and that made our perfect loaf.

A lot of bread machines produce very tall, square loaves, which are awkward to slice, store, and make sandwiches with. This produces loaves that make good sandwiches and toast, and the French toast slices don't crowd the pan.

The top heating element on this gives a really amazingly browned top crust that we definitely didn't get on our old machine.

It's so pretty.

So how is it cheaper in the long run if the machine costs $300+? A little like this:

We use Pamela's Bread Mix bc it's really consistent and easy - you need the bread mix, water, yeast, 3 egg whites, and oil. (We use avocado oil and find it best and most consistent, but regular vegetable oil works!) We buy Pamela's in bulk, and without any subscription discounts or whatever, the $48 pack of 3 bags makes about 11.5 loaves. With the cost of yeast and eggs and stuff, it ends up costing about $4.50 a loaf. (If you buy your yeast in larger bags & store it in an airtight container, you can create less waste and it's also cheaper.)

By comparison, a loaf of Franz GF Bread costs $7-8, and Canyon Bakehouse usually runs about the same.

However, that's not an apples to apples comparison because the Franz loaf is an 18 oz. loaf, whereas our breadmaker makes a 2 lb. loaf. Assuming even the lower-end cost for getting a Franz loaf at the store, an equivalent amount of bread would cost $12.42, and it's not nearly as good.

(Yes, gluten-free bread is fucking expensive. That's part of why I'm writing this post in the first place.)

Anyway, assuming you eat 2 lbs. of bread a week in your house - a breadmaker loaf, basically, to make the math simple - you'll end up spending $7.92 less on bread every week. That means that even at the most expensive cost for the Zojirushi, if you buy it at its highest price (don't do that! wait for a sale!) it'll take 50 weeks - about a year - before the breadmaker pays for itself. If you manage to get it on a 25% off sale (which we did), it pays for itself in about 9 months.

Nine months, I must stress, in which you are eating much more delicious bread.

We tend to go through a couple of loaves a week because toast, sandwiches, and melts are great food for people with low spoons.

Evie and I perfected the Pamela's mix recipe for this particular machine - I'll get it typed up when I'm downstairs next, along with the quasi-babka recipe. (Really, it's like a marble cake and babka and bread had a baby, and it's a family favorite.)

Bread good. The end.

[probablybadrpgideas]

Tourist Destinations Of The Outer Planes

Mechanus: How dare you suggest there would be anything novel or unique in Mechanus?! To cog jail with you!

Arcadia: Like those normal towns with "world best fish and chips" except they're scrupulously fact checked. "Home of Arcadia's 3826th best B&B according to multiple double-blind studies (citations available on request)"

Mount Celestia: Pure and ineffable spiritual bliss in the face of the divine and, after that, a pretty decent pizza shop where you can get a t-shirt with your face when you learnt the true name of God.

Bytopia: Bytopia is the embodiment of the concept of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and also the domain of the gnome deities, so if you've ever wanted to see the Great Wheel's only 24/7 prank youtuber live show where all the pranks revolve around how millennials need to spend less on avocado toast, you're in luck! If not, may I recommend the abyssal layer where snakes drink your eyes as a pleasant reprieve?

Elysium: Just a rabbit sat on a rock but because you're in Elysuim it's the best thing you've ever seen. You autodelete all memories of your wedding and children's birth and suchlike for being shit in comparison.

The Beastlands: Who's the best dog in the world? Who is it? This isn't a rhetorical question, there's an objective answer. You can see him for the low price of four acorns and a fancy rock.

Arborea: Don't be fooled by the signs! The natives of Arborea spend their time playing and dancing so they have things like open plan offices and tax return help-desks as vacation spots. Instead ask where the boring parts of Arborea are to be given directions to the firework waterslide music concert video game dance party.

Ysgard: Monuments to epic deeds literally everywhere. So many monuments they start sounding sarcastic. If you successfully get to your hotel room they erect a 15ft statue commemorating it.

Limbo: "Look, you had to be there. Literally, what I saw existed beyond the capacity of human words to describe and I weep tadpoles when I try to recall it in any detail"

Pandemonium: Great acoustic guitar scene. Well, we assume they're good. If nothing else, you have to admire their perseverance.

The Abyss: Go on Demogorgan's tour of all infinity layers! The most fucked up shit you've ever seen or your spinal column back guaranteed!

Carceri: Be in the audience at History's Greatest Monster, where the most evil people in history compete for the crown! If you're lucky, you might get an autograph before they're hurled back into their eternal prisons once more!

Hades: Fuck you.

Gehenna: Tourist traps, in the sense of big holes you fall in and have to give a deamon all your money before it will let you out.

The Nine Hells: The Nine Hells are a wonderful place to visit, with a wide varieties of eateries, vistas and attractions that you should visit before you die! I am not writing this under duress and you should not send help to

Acheron: One extremely dangerous theme park. It's cheap and there are few queues but be aware that sometimes the god of orcs will show up and use whatever ride you're on as a bludgeoning weapon. Overall nice atmosphere, 4 stars.

The Outlands: Alas, I'm pretty sure there's absolutely nowhere worth visiting in the outlands. Sorry guys.

[isa-ghost]

you have eggza headcanons perhaps? 👉👈

I will take any headcanons of course, I love your headcanon posts

Previous Sets:

Set 1

Set 2

Set 3

Set 4

Set 5

Set 6

MORE: Eggza Edition

Starting with two I made in previous sets:

When left to his own devices & off-duty as dad + not needed by any of the islanders for something serious, he let's loose. No more wise bad bitch crow man who's palpably emotionally damaged yet won't admit it. He's off the shits. You've seen Eggza. That's him de-stressing by fully indulging his favorite things: preparing necessities for survival & being an absolute wildcard.

When he heard someone on the island made up a rumor that Eggza is legit because Phil taste-tested a cookie out of curiosity, he took that and RAN. Yeah. He's egg sometimes. Who's his parent you ask? Well that's a secret (it's Rose).

Remember how I said he commits to bits super hard? Yeah. Eggza is his second biggest bit after the 4th Wall existentialism but it's quickly surpassing it to his biggest one

Genuinely he enjoys his Eggza time. Everyone knows they'll get nothing but task help out of him more or less, so they more or less leave him alone unless it's to say hi or a chance encounter.

Everyone finds him speaking with signs funny and endearing. Except Tubbo. But that's understandable, dyslexia go brr. Even though the fool sometimes forgets he can tts the signs. It's fine, he's most likely to derail Eggza's cookie grinding so it's better if Tubbo stays away doing Tubbo things

He's torn between the kids witnessing Eggza & never witnessing Eggza. He can't tell what's funnier or if he'd be embarrassed. They've heard stories from other eggs though

He has no interest in making himself Look like an egg. The sign usage is all he needs. And its funnier when you approach your grown ass man best friend Philza Minecraft only for him to look as wild as he did during Purgatory but without the Looks Like He's Dying Slowly part & refuse to talk to you verbally. The "what the fuck is happening here" is the best part of Eggza, if he starts LOOKING like an egg everyone will understand what's going on and that's lame

He bounces off everyone's energy. The more unhinged they are, the more unhinged he is. Unless he's harassing the baker. Then he fuels his own fuckery

The funny thing is he makes sure everyone thinks he's constantly this wild gremlin that only knows one thing: Grind. But really if no one's around while he's grinding, he's actually just straight up vibing. Got headphones in, blasting his jams, doin his work. In his lane, unbothered, flourishing.

I would sell my soul to see Eggza beat the ever-loving shit out of Purgatory workers it'd be so fucking funny holy shit

One of his favorite parts of going Eggza Mode is amusing his friends with the way he's just a nonverbal weirdo. Especially when he answers something they say by just dancing

If He's An Extra Silly Gremlin They'll Give Him Avocado Toast As A Treat

No one knows where he shoos his crows off to when he's Eggza. Or if it's some unspoken "ok time to scatter" rule as soon as he puts the gas mask on by the bakery. But they disperse and for a while, the other islanders can't shake the feeling of Phil seeming strangely bare for some reason. It's bc the murder is away

Tbh I bet even without the Hardcore dreams, he'd sleep a long time with how hard he works as Eggza

"Hard work," I say, as if most of the time Phil isn't just making mobs insatiable amounts of horny so everyone can give the baker what they're asking for (the awareness of this is half of why he's so unhinged as Eggza, it's too absurd & funny to him)

Calling back to another prev non-Eggza hc I made, he has less of a filter when he's not parenting or in peril. He has said some absolutely wild out of pocket shit on signs

If given the right kind of motivation, an islander could probably get Eggza to go feral and kill something or someone. Fit tosses him a stack of whatever arbitrary item Phil might find enticing enough atm & Phil is suddenly on a spree like he was with those bunnies that one time

[aurumacadicus]

Absolutely astounding. Blew the minds of a bunch of twelve-year-olds because they asked what I usually eat for breakfast (their options that day were cereal, bagels with cream cheese/grape jelly, or "breakfast rounds" which are, in fact, baked oatmeal stop telling me this isn't a cookie it's a fucking cookie it's ROUND). I mentioned it depends on my mood, but right now I'm going through my avocado toast phase. Everyone laughed because haha look at the Millennial only a Millennial could like boring avocado toast it doesn't even taste like anything.

Me: ...It tastes like whatever seasoning you use.

Students: :0 Seasoning?

Me: ..................Yeah? I season the avocado.

Students: What :0

Me: Today I didn't want to eat at all so I just seasoned it with salt and pepper? But most days I make a quick guacamole. Are you guys just... eating it straight out of the skin? No salt even?

Students: Seasoning... :0

[itsbansheebitch]

Gen Zer's (2005) Predictions for Gen Alpha (They aren't Doomed)

I have some cousins that are Gen Alpha and they're turning out well. I really think all the "they're so doomed" messaging is from a loud minority, mostly on tiktok. I disagree, so I plan to make predictions for the vague & soupy (time) generation of Gen Alpha.

This list will focus on American Gen Alpha since there WILL be a stark contrast, especially regarding school shootings.

Average to EXTREME skill with tech depending on the kids (hope STEM is ready to welcome a new wave of newcomers)

Difficulties with history knowledge due to rewritten history books, (Please be kind while they learn, they don't know the full scope of what's going on yet)

Desensitized to violence (Due to usual kid stuff, school shootings being treated as normal, and an increase in hate crimes)

A new passion for social justice (I don't mean to be a "but I have black friends" kind of person, but believe it or not, having friends in minority groups and realizing they're in danger makes you want to fist fight whoever is at fault)

TONS of memes about the "Alpha" phrasing, which trust me, will get old QUICKLY. (A bigger stretch is saying the term for a shitty Gen Alpha kid will be Omega/Beta instead of Boomer)

Unusually violent jokes & memes

Extremely dark humor

A long list of child neglect lawsuits

An increase in accents homogeneity due to watching YouTubers at a young age (I'm not joking, this has happened to me and I only started watching YT in 2nd Grade. I have the weirdest Irish, British, and midwestern, but not the state I currently live in, accents on only CERTAIN words and phrases. There definitely will be studies on this.)

A new wave of kids fighting gerymandering

Brand New Shiny Raw LinesTM from the KiddosTM that they'll probably use to roast lawmakers until they start decomosing on the spot

Kids who are NOT afraid to fight you

New unseen levels of compassion

This is a stretch, but somehow they'll manage to bring back the avocado toast jokes, either as a banter thing or as a new "Boomer" type thing.

KiddosTM will probably joke about how Millennials ruined every industry from fabric softener to identity theft to robberies. This will be (hopefully) fully joking manner and used in a [Post kiddosTM disagree with] [Reply: Well, you ruined the fabric softener industry, so you don't have a leg to stand on] type format.

Will either share you their Social Security Number or will be a brick wall online. No in between.

A increase in reading (specifically fanfiction & audio books, but will NOT be void of physical copies) but a decrease in literacy & media literacy. We are already seeing this happening.

A "you didn't fix this/you fucked it up" attitude towards older people. This isn't necessarily negative since it means they won't take ANY shit from lawmakers and will probably not have as many hangups regarding rioting.

An absolute HATRED for family channels. I waiting for these kids to break the van life kids out in a bizarre scheme of epic proportions lmao

The most indecipherable controversies you've ever seen in your life. I'm thinking at least 5 levels of knowledge and joining a subreddit will be needed to even have an idea of what's happening.

(Hopefully) a new level of understanding when it comes to accountability, people changing, and knowing what you should expect from a person when they get cancelled.

Brand new political cartoons (now made for the internet)

A new passion for the environment and recognizing one's place in it.

A new level of hatred for colonialism and mass killings

Probably at least one assassination lmao (they'll be the barista from the tiktok about the barista killing CEOs with metal straws as darts)

A polarizing divide between anti-capitalism and ancap ideas that we haven't seen since 2008 (and not as publicly in 2008, so get ready for your shit to get rocked).

Some of the best and worst takes that humanity has ever bore witness to.

New acceptance (even better than now) regarding hair (dyes and styles), tattoos, piercings, etc.

A major crackdown on systematic issues (criticism when they're young, major law & education changes when they're older)

That's all for now. REMEMBER! Do NOT treat these kids like you were treated (LOOKING AT YOU, Ms. AVOCADO TOAST and Ms. DOWNFALL OF HUMANITY GAY-MER).

Side Note: People are always surprised when I tell them I was born in 2005 and have already graduated high school (no, I did not skip grades, I was actually very young for my grade) so I'm going to apologize ahead of time for turning all the Millennials reading this into dust. Sorry, ya'll.

[phatcatphergus]

I so agree with your analysis about Tubbo comparing cooking to create. I never thought it was a bad comparison for him, it makes sense with the way his brain works. Working through a problem until he starts to understand instead of knowing at the start is exactly how he operates.

He's someone that needs the option to fail to succeed.

He's like me where instructions (written or spoken) aren't the easiest way to learn. He's a visual and physical learner and he has to get his hands on things and work them through to figure them out fully. He will know things but has to actually get them to do them well. I think part of this is due to his previous learning environment and his dyslexia. I know he has spoken about students outnumbering teachers at his school (cow shed) so he probably didn't get much help if he needed it. Pair that with his dyslexia and the fact that schoolwork is majority reading/writing, he probably got used to just figuring shit out on his own through trial and error. The problem is that most school assignments don't let you get a second chance if you fuck it up, it's turned in as is.

He has spoken about how he got top in the country for product design and woodworking, something he can get his hands on and understand instead of being told and knowing. I think he just really enjoys the knowledge of being able to learn from his mistakes and know exactly where he goes wrong. The avocado toast isn't as fast as it should be? He can recognize the mistake in that factory from others he's made and fix it. The pasta is doughy? he knows to try a different method the next time. Trial and error. Failure brings him success.

[scenetocause]

any guesses as to how max and lando both wound up sick. just curious.

[cn: cheating]

"You haven't sucked me off for ages," Lando pouts. Max nearly chokes on his mouthful of avocado toast.

"Mate." His ears are turning pink, he can't look at Pietra. "What the fuck."

"Well it's true, you haven't." Lando says it primly, goes back to demolishing some poached eggs with gay - literally - abandon. Like he hasn't just derailed Max's life for the fiftieth and possibly worst time this week.

He's going to have to do it at some point so he glances round at Pietra, who at least doesn't look completely disgusted with him, just like she's contemplating ways to kill Lando. Which he's fully onboard with, actually. It could be a new date concept, if Lando's going to insist on coming along.

"No, I haven't," is all he can muster as a response.

-

The thing is. The thing is that Max knows he's being a little bit of a hypocrite on a whole bunch of levels. Because he used to come on all Lando and Luisa's dates and fill in all the ways Lando's a rubbish boyfriend by being a better one and she didn't seem to mind that Lando just doesn't count sleeping with Max as anything, so they'd carried on doing it. Max is also pretty good at being Lando's boyfriend, in terms of getting him to act normally.

But Max should've known it wasn't going to work the other way around. He'd been so careful to keep them separated, at first. Partly out of fear Pietra would realise he's very much not an F1 driver and realise she could do better but much more out of knowing this wasn't going to go down well with either of them. It's a hard sell "hey can my best friend, who's chronically weird, hang out with us all the time and also sometimes he has to spoon me for emotional support."

He's tried to find things in it for Pietra but she could go to Monaco anyway and have a more normal time. She's not that keen on coming to grand prix, although he thinks she would if it was his racing and let's not take that train of thought too far to the depression station.

And Lando can't act normal about him and Max doesn't want him to. Was maybe trying to provoke this by getting a girlfriend in the first place - which isn't fair, that's not why he's dating her, it's just that something makes him want Lando's attention as much as Lando wants to give it to him and if they could ever just make that work they'd probably be a lot more normal.

The problem, really, is that Lando feels much more like forever than his girlfriend does. Which is pretty cursed, especially when he's openly sabotaging Max in the middle of brunch.

-

She doesn't bring it up with him, probably because there's nothing to talk about. Max had caved under about one minute of scrutiny from her about the nature of his relationship to Lando and then promised they weren't like that anymore and then slept with Lando the second he touched down in Nice.

Which is bad. He knows it's bad. He objectively knows this is bad boyfriend stuff and he doesn't want to be that, he wants to make things work and be in love and get married and have kids. Be normal - except that he can't.

It's like the stupid mess in his brain. He could just not have whatever makes him demotivated and mopey for days on end and it'd be better. Simpler, at least. Make more sense for the way his life's supposed to be going but instead he's had Lando fussing over him for a week because Max accidentally said some depressed stuff even though he'd been pretending that wasn't really going on anymore and now Lando's trying to add every possible enrichment to his enclosure.

Which is how they've ended up in Max's bedroom, Lando's hair freshly clipped and stream done, with Lando trying to get his cock in Max's mouth.

"Will you," he bats Lando's hand away from his hair, "just stay still and let me do this?"

"I'm trying to help." Lando sounds way too aggrieved for a man about to get a blow job. "It's been so long maybe you've forgotten how to - ah"

Max hums, knowing how good that feels when someone's got their mouth round your dick and then relaxes his throat, leans into it. Feels himself drooling on Lando's dick at the same time as Lando settles back into the mattress, sighs out how much he's enjoying it.

"Ah, that's so good - you're so good."

It's embarrassing how easily taken apart Max is by the praise.

Lando's fingers thread through his hair and he doesn't fight it, this time. "I missed you, baby," Max groans at the nickname, dick twitching. "I missed this, missed us."

It's a good job there's a dick halfway down Max's throat so he can't say anything stupid like 'me too, buddy.'

Lando's leaking already, messy in Max's mouth when he swipes his tongue over the head, lapping at it. He always gets so needy for it, whimpering and whining and pushing his hips up in desperate little circles - it's like the opposite of the way he fucks Max, all deliberateness. Like this he's just a helpless kitten, biting his own fist to try and stifle the noises he's making.

Max pulls off for a second, strokes Lando's hip, when he's getting really desperate. "It's ok," he says, trying to guide Lando, get him to turn the overwhelming sensation into a conclusion and Lando just whimpers again, biting his lip.

He comes into Max's mouth a minute later, back arching and Max lies down, head on Lando's tummy, to kiss his heaving abs afterwards. Lando pulls him up after a minute, holds him and Max's erection isn't so urgent he can't enjoy it for awhile.

When Lando returns the favour, chaotically sucking Max's balls while he's jacking him off, it doesn't take long either for Max to come or for the guilt to sink in. He can't come up with an excuse for why he can't stop doing this, only the inevitability that he won't.

-

They both claim their sore throats are from golfing or the rain or hayfever or something. Lando smuggles Max back to Monte Carlo two days later and fucks him in every room.

[piecanl]

I heard you were looking :0 -

okay but what if q!tubbo died.

okay but what if he died saving sunny.

okay but what if he died giving Sunny his last heart because he was still on a two-heart system.

okay but what if he died because of an accident. Any kind of accident. Deaths are tragedies, in which both when he died in a tragic accident or died in the most normal way. His deaths are unnoticeable if you haven't checked because he always came back the same. Although it became a little bit off. They moved on. Tubbo moved on. His heart didn't.

okay but what if he died because he didn’t want to use anything to heal because he thought dying and then reviving was faster than chugging down a whole golden apple. He doesn’t care anymore. He is numb. He is on one heart. He threw himself in the machine so he could have a quick death because several seconds later he was back revived on his bed.

(he ignored his twisted and gruesome corpses lying around the machine)

(he uses them to power the machines when coal isn’t sufficient. He now wash the machines twice a day to make sure Sunny won't find out.) (She did. She didn't tell him.)

okay but what if it is actually an accident. Everyone thought he wore armour. He didn’t. Someone one-tapped him playfully and when they realized he was long gone.

okay but what if he doesn’t die. What if he was forced to live until everyone else died and everyone left, but he, and him alone, remained on the island. The buildings were demolished, the ponds polluted, and legends said he was still working on the avocado toast machine because it fucking broke again.

(he had no one to feed the avocado toast to. He ignores the thought and pretends there is someone else. He feeds to the polished, preserved signs on the ground, on the walls, on his machines.)

okay but what if he lived. Not forever, but long enough the islanders came to a realization that he doesn’t really age. What if the federation realized he doesn’t really age - yet - because now he doesn't age anymore. There is a difference between a long-lived life and an immortal. Similar in pain, yet different nonetheless. He wasn't ready.

okay but what if he died but no one knows, because no one remembers him, lost in the swirls of the time-traveling machine evermore. He wasn't there in the past, nor the present or future. His daughter is safe, safe in the past, safe in the clutches of the islander's past lives that he knew 'he' hadn't met. He isn't safe, because time swallowed him whole. A price paid for trespassing a realm that no mortal should step in.

okay but what if he died because a sin for a sin, a cage for a cage.

(he doesn't know what sin did he commit - he burned down a world, an alarm always ringing at the back of his head, a prison that has no escape.)

(he doesn't know what cage was he trapped in - a yellow-and-black concrete, on a stage, a firework, and a festival.)

(he knows now.)

okay but what if he just doesn’t want to live anymore. No one can stop him from dying. He planned the plan meticulously, no one found out - Sunny did, but it was too late. He died in the water - blue was always his favourite color. Or he was frozen to death, but this time no one came to dig him out of the ice cave. He was sinking to the bottom before anyone realized what was happening. Guess the will he made long ago did have some use.

okay but what if no one attended his own funeral except his ghost left on the island, because no one knew. He buried his corpse, he wrote his own scripts, he placed his own flowers. It was thousands of blocks away from the explored land, so it made sense no one came.

what if he died?

[dykeishheart]

Hey. Sear two slices of thick cut bacon on medium high heat on the stove. Remove at desired level of crispiness. Set them aside on a paper towel bed to absorb a bit of grease but DO NOT strain the grease from the pan. Maintain the heat on the stove, drop two slices of either a white or wheat bread into the bacon grease, or use a bagel if you're not into toast. Flip as necessary to avoid scorching but get the bread to desired crispiness. Set them aside on a plate. Smear a thin layer cream cheese on the bottom slice of bread/bagel. Add your choice of deli meat; I prefer turkey but ham is also fine. Break your two slices of bacon in half and place them on top of the deli meat. Go back to your frying pan and crack an egg into the bacon grease (there shouldn't be a whole lot left after the bread) but maintain a bit lower heat to avoid scorching. Salt and season as desired (I like a lot of pepper on my eggs) then flip when firm on the bottom, trying as best as possible to preserve the yolk. Once properly fried, turn the egg onto the bacon. Lay your choice of sliced cheese onto the egg, then put a thin layer of spicy brown mustard on the top piece of bread. Most of this can be swapped but trust me when I say the mustard is essential. Add a slice of tomato for a more refreshing sandwich. Replace cream cheese with avocado spread if desired for similar density but different flavor profile.

To recap layers, bottom to top: bread/bagel, cream cheese/avocado, deli meat, bacon strips, fried egg, cheese slice, optional tomato, spicy mustard, bread.

Eat over the sink or a big plate bc it's gonna be wet. There's three big protein components here in the form of egg, meat, and cream cheese. It's a heavy fucking sandwich so don't make two for just yourself unless you wanna refrigerate one for later, in which case just leave out the fried egg so it isn't nasty when eaten cold. Or just eat two if you happen to be like me and can eat for two people no problem. No judgements here, just trying to save you from waste.

[dragonprincequotesimadeup]

A bunch of incorrect quotes for fun

Soren: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset? Claudia: No, I said "Soren, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

Callum: Are you a cuddler? Rayla: I'm a machine of death and destruction. Callum: Rayla: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler.

Soren: A fistfight CAN be romantic.

Claudia: So Terry, how did your first time cooking dinner go?  Terry: Pretty good if I do say so myself.  Claudia: Oo! Okay, what are we having?  Terry: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato.  Claudia: A whole potato?  Terry: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!  Claudia: These just look like big slabs of black.  Terry: Because that's what they are!  Terry: And then for desert, we have chocolate.  Claudia: These are just chocolate chips?  Terry: They sure are!  Terry: And then for drinks, we have toast!  Terry: *lifts up a glass of blended toast* Bon appetite! 

Terry: Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way.

Rayla: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Callum, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls? Ezran, whispering: Because I have little hands. Callum: Because he has little hands.

Rayla: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Ezran. Callum: You just said it again Ezran: Rayla: I am not a role model. Soren: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products! Soren: *sprays hairspray in their mouth* Soren: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good. Rayla: The only straight I am is a straight-up badass. Ezran: *is visibly upset* Rayla: Ezran, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country. Claudia: Come on, Soren! How many times do I have to apologize? Soren: Once! Claudia: ...No.

Terry: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response. Claudia: Wow. They sound stupid.  Terry: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.  Claudia: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”  Terry: I guess you’re right. Hey Claudia, I love you.  Claudia: See! Just say that!  Terry: Holy fucking shit.  Claudia: If that flies over their head then, sorry Terry, but they're too dumb for you.  Terry: Claudia. 

Soren: I’m a fool, not an idiot.

Soren: How do Rayla and Callum usually get out of these messes? Ezran: They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

Soren, sweating: Corvus, there’s something I need to ask you- Corvus: Finally! You’re proposing! Soren: How’d you know? Corvus: Soren, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner. Corvus: I even picked it up once.

Claudia: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Terry: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait. Claudia: You and me! Terry: *tearing up* Ok.

Callum: I’ve invited you here because I crave the deadliest game... Rayla, nodding: Knife Monopoly. Callum: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

Corvus: Please could you go to the shop and get a carton of milk, if they have avocados get six. Soren, coming back from the store with six cartons of milk: They had avocados!

Soren: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet. Corvus: Why’d you get banned? Soren: Touched the rat. Corvus: … What rat? Soren: Chunky Cheese.

[isa-ghost]

More Avian Phil Headcanons

For @oopsiewhoopsiez :D

qPhil headcanons masterlist

Previous Avian Phil headcanons

One of his other running bits is having beef with plain glass. He can literally see it just fine. He pretends he doesn't. Lullah will without fail fall to pieces emote when he gets on the bit.

Another running bit is that he has to resist the Urge to eat seeds when he's farming. He'll stand there dramatically trembling his hand with a bunch of seeds in it like hhough,, s e e d,, until the kids hit him like PAPA PLS.

GRAINS on the other hand he's like FUCK YEAH CONCRETE. He'll eat the shit out of some bread. Why do you think he likes avocado toast so much?

He whistles a lot, usually when he isn't thinking about it. Doesn’t realize he does it, much like the boosh boosh

I've mentioned it elsewhere but AAAA the gay ass intimacy of letting your husband help you preen!!!!

Believe it or not, his first instinct is Flight. It's more likely he's snuck up on or not expecting what's coming at him, so fighting is unwise because he doesn't know his odds and that's just straight up not survivalist to do. The best thing to do is flee first, THEN assess what was after him. The same way that birds often yeet the fuck away when something gets too close to them.

He knows a stupid amount of what to and what not to feed literal birds bc he knows what does and doesn't bother his own stomach. He has less intolerances than an actual bird, but he has a sensitive digestive system nonetheless. This does not stop him from pounding down Mexican food like a total whore, shit's too good.

He knows TONS of things about aerodynamics purely based off his experience with flying. He has a very easy time estimating how well something will fly

Btw he has excellent agility from all his flying. He's better in the air, but it can apply to the ground too.

He loves flying with other people :D If his wings had healed at the time, he would've 100% flown with Jaiden at some point :(

One of the main reasons he wants his wings healed is to take all his friends flying tbh. Which is what fucked him up most about Ender King destroying his wings before leaving his body :(

Tubbo loves asking him cursed questions related to bird things. Google "bird ass blasting" (I promise it's not smth bad, it's a real thing). Tubbo has asked Phil about this. Phil short circuited.

Oh you KNOW he thrives on making cannibal jokes when he eats chicken.

Another cursed thing Tubbo has said to him: "Chickens are like living dinosaurs which means they're old and chickens are birds and also you're a bird and you're old so therefore you're a living dinosaur."

Multiple islanders have made the joke that Phil has a secret wife who laid Chayanne and Lullah bc they're eggs and he's a bird. It has made him die inside every time.

[aoral]

q!Tubbo angsts headcons

(submitted ask on another blog!! for @piecanl)

okay but what if q!tubbo died.

okay but what if he died saving sunny.

okay but what if he died giving Sunny his last heart because he was still on a two-heart system.

okay but what if he died because of an accident. Any kind of accident. Deaths are tragedies, in which both when he died in a tragic accident or died in the most normal way. His deaths are unnoticeable if you haven't checked because he always came back the same. Although it became a little bit off. They moved on. Tubbo moved on. His heart didn't.

okay but what if he died because he didn’t want to use anything to heal because he thought dying and then reviving was faster than chugging down a whole golden apple. He doesn’t care anymore. He is numb. He is on one heart. He threw himself in the machine so he could have a quick death because several seconds later he was back revived on his bed.

(he ignored his twisted and gruesome corpses lying around the machine)

(he uses them to power the machines when coal isn’t sufficient. He now wash the machines twice a day to make sure Sunny won't find out.) (She did. She didn't tell him.)

okay but what if it is actually an accident. Everyone thought he wore armour. He didn’t. Someone one-tapped him playfully and when they realized he was long gone.

okay but what if he doesn’t die. What if he was forced to live until everyone else died and everyone left, but he, and him alone, remained on the island. The buildings were demolished, the ponds polluted, and legends said he was still working on the avocado toast machine because it fucking broke again.

(he had no one to feed the avocado toast to. He ignores the thought and pretends there is someone else. He feeds to the polished, preserved signs on the ground, on the walls, on his machines.)

okay but what if he lived. Not forever, but long enough the islanders came to a realization that he doesn’t really age. What if the federation realized he doesn’t really age - yet - because now he doesn't age anymore. There is a difference between a long-lived life and an immortal. Similar in pain, yet different nonetheless. He wasn't ready.

okay but what if he died but no one knows, because no one remembers him, lost in the swirls of the time-traveling machine evermore. He wasn't there in the past, nor the present or future. His daughter is safe, safe in the past, safe in the clutches of the islander's past lives that he knew 'he' hadn't met. He isn't safe, because time swallowed him whole. A price paid for trespassing a realm that no mortal should step in.

okay but what if he died because a sin for a sin, a cage for a cage.

(he doesn't know what sin did he commit - he burned down a world, an alarm always ringing at the back of his head, a prison that has no escape.)

(he doesn't know what cage was he trapped in - a yellow-and-black concrete, on a stage, a firework, and a festival.)

(he knows now.)

okay but what if he just doesn’t want to live anymore. No one can stop him from dying. He planned the plan meticulously, no one found out - Sunny did, but it was too late. He died in the water - blue was always his favourite color. Or he was frozen to death, but this time no one came to dig him out of the ice cave. He was sinking to the bottom before anyone realized what was happening. Guess the will he made long ago did have some use.

(blue is a lovely color. deathbringer, coach.)

okay but what if no one attended his own funeral except his ghost left on the island, because no one knew. He buried his corpse, he wrote his own scripts, he placed his own flowers. It was thousands of blocks away from the explored land, so it made sense no one came.

okay but what if he died?

[unicronnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom]

Maybe such was deserved.

Maybe existence just isn't ready for marbled pumpernickel rye spiced avocado toast.

With a cured and lightly fried spark on top, of course.

... fuck it. It's trying again. It has enough bread for three more tries, after all, and this sounds tastier than that gasray-and-ginger monte cristo it was going to use the rest of this for.

[fahk]

middle finger to ...

I lost my state backed healthcare thanks to the luxury of making a little more than the state considers "poverty." Honestly, it was a long time coming but initially they laid off cutting people off due to covid. But now... that "covid is over"... it's time to cut the fat loose.

*eye roll*

In the State of Cali, where rent is above average batshit and gas is $5 a gallon, the state says $1,677 a month and below is poverty. And that's god damned right. That's the min you could get a shoebox to rent for and then there'd be literally nothing left for groceries, transit fuel, automobile upkeep.... or even a fucking car tbh, communication and internet, medication, sanitary care, job training, utilities, kids and/or pets, and the ever beloved avocado toast all the boomers love to complain about.

I now make enough for rent AND groceries so that means I don't deserve to take care of my health. And every boomer grinned in approval.

All jokes aside I am trying to find health insurance because I can't be off of it. I have hopefully benign tumors in my uterus from this past year. A currently benign titty tumor that needs monitoring. My heart is probably due for another halter monitor since covid fucked it up - and now there's a chance I'm borderline afib. Before, the cardiologist was like "It'S nO bIg DeAl. It'S jUsT PVCs." Except it's constant. And takes the wind out of my chest. So there's that. How is that jUsT pVcS? Then I have major inflammatory issues going on internally that require awful oscopy monitoring. In short, I have a combo of PTSD induced illnesses AND post-viral chronic syndrome and together these two umbrellas of hell are borderlining autoimmune illness x 3.

So no, I can't NOT have health insurance. Not an option. I'm just struggling and overwhelmed in picking something that isn't going to bankrupt me because every option is bat shit expensive, (just like rent), and then you get nothing for it. Just the "privelege" of having a $6,000 max. Like, what the fuck? At least I get a guaranteed roof over my head for the price of rent.

Can we set insurance execs homes on fire, please? And while we're at let's come for the hospital executives and greedy ass doctor's groups too. It's time for a great reset.

[scenetocause]

the way you write lando and max is so viscerally them that it gives me butterflies every time please don’t ever stop pressing keys on a keyboard thank you

heh i cannot. actually process praise because i am very mentally unwell but thank u anon here is a ficlet of them being hungover

Obviously, it was a terrible idea to get drunk at the F1 Arcade party. Firstly because everyone knows who they are and secondly because Max gets the worst hangover anxiety known to man and they're in a hotel and now he's agitating while Lando's trying, like any reasonable person, to become one with the mattress in the hope it will somehow stop his head hurting.

"Stop, look-" he grabs for Max, blindly. "C'mere."

Taking advantage of being bigger than Max these days to pull him down into the pillows probably is a little bit unfair but Lando can't deal with the way he's frantic-scrolling his phone. "No one's gonna have taken pictures of you checking my arse out or whatever, it was dark. And anyway, you do that normally, why are you worrying about-"

"Because," Max looks a bit tearful, from the way they're pressed very close, faces almost touching. "I can't remember what I did or how we got back and that's - fuck, I need to sort myself out."

Oh. Oh. It's not anxiety, not really or at least if it is it's about bigger things than Lando ordering them an Uber. It's that every brush with racing stuff reminds Max he isn't a driver anymore, lets him pick at himself and see every bit of his body and mind that's changed as a problem, not a success. Turns Max Fewtrell, happy and healthy on a sabbatical into a negative compared to Max Fewtrell, lost and spiralling in racing. Puts himself back in the place where it was his fault, where there's another reality he could go back to and prod and poke at it until something else happened.

Lando opens his arms, pulls Max close, lets him snuggle in. It's weird, that their size difference is the other way now and Max is so tiny, tucked against Lando's chest with his face in the crook of Lando's neck.

"Do you want avocado toast or, like, proper greasy breakfast?" Lando's trying to get his body as moulded to Max as possible, which he could justify as being like, Max's weighted blanket or something but is mostly just because there's never going to be a time when being in bed with Max, in just their boxers, isn't going to be exciting to him.

Max makes a humming noise. "Probably the avocado. It's your off-season though, you pick."

There's just enough movement between them that Lando manages to get a hand on Max's arse, so he can get their hips in line for some not-exactly-rutting but like. Just knowing their dicks are in the same place, reassuring more than horny.

"We're getting McDonalds," Lando decides. The hotel probably does Deliveroo and if not, they'll eat it sitting on Max's car's bonnet because he hates the smell getting in the seats.

Formalities over, he gets back to the real task of tracing circuit maps on Max's lower back and sucking his earlobe and pushing his leg between Max's until Lando can roll them over, be on top of Max while he's gently, like, ravishing him or some shit.

Max lets it happen, moans and arches his back when Lando sucks his nipple, bites at the chest hair he's kind of jealous of. By the time he pulls Max's boxers down he's basically all the way hard and a few seconds of Lando mouthing at the tip of his dick gets him the rest of the way there.

It's salty, velvety, nice. Max has a pretty dick, pink and easy for Lando to swirl his tongue around, hold in his mouth more than sucking, heavy on his tongue. He always ends up having to use quite a lot of hand but that's ok because Max likes it and it's not long before his balls are tight, under Lando's palm and then Max comes in his mouth and lets him keep going, basically making out with Max's dick as it softens.

By the time he's satisfied, wriggles back up the bed to drape himself on Max, he's kinda but not very surprised that Max is crying. Not a lot, just enough to say it was intense for him and sometimes Max doesn't have the words for whatever he's feeling. Doesn't matter, they'll work it out together, once Lando's head feels less like it's in a bear trap.

"Thanks, Bob." Max kisses him on the forehead and it's almost as good as paracetamol. "I'll get you back when we get home, yeah? Blowie in the streaming chair."

That's the best suggestion Lando's heard all morning, so he just unlocks his phone and shoves it in Max's hand, Deliveroo open. "I wanna double sausage muffin."

"Sure you do, buddy," Max says while squeezing his arse and. Ok, yeah. He does.

[riverageleis]

You know how mental health personnel and 'Good vibes only' types talk about how negative self-talk isn't good for you. Well, I have a story about that. 😐

For nearly a year now, I have been (essentially) gaslighting myself financially without realizing it. I'm going to preface my next sentence with this: I'm part of the working poor. I'm above the poverty level, but hardly 'middle class'. I have a slightly better than average job (C+? B?), but not double the state minimum wage, which isn't saying much. I also live in one of the poorest parts of the US, so this is going to sound like I have more than I have (and probably that I'm ungrateful, which I'm not).

I have 4 bank accounts, 2 checking and 2 savings. Both savings combined have 1k in them, give or take on any one day. 1 checking account is JUST for my car payment, and 1 savings is JUST for vehicle insurance. (4 accounts probably make a little more sense now) I digress. 20% of my paycheck is direct deposited into my car account, so I never even see it. A little more than 20% more goes into my insurance account. That's more than 40% of my money JUST for 2 big monthly bills every 2 weeks. My insurance savings gets my insurance premium almost x2 monthly. I'm paying the rest of my bills on 60% of my check. 60%. I've had myself CONVINCED for MONTHS that I've suddenly become bad with money and I was overspending on bullshit i didn't need. (I assure you, I NEEDED Moonie the Squishmallow) It was a vicious cycle of berating myself because I sucked with money, and it was depressing af.

So, anyway, my partner bought me some 'prosperity' oil and a candle of the same (because we're witches and sure, why not, everyone needs more good juju). Two days into wearing this stupid oil, because it smells so good, I open my car checking account (because it's almost time to write that check). Here's what happened:

I have this fucking revelation. My goal is to have 2 extra payments in that account, just in case. I had more. I have it in my head that my part of the rent is the entire amount, not half that, which it is. The REST of my bills are paid, and groceries bought on that 60%. I have SOMETHING left over when i get paid, even if it's $10. Suddenly, my bullshit finances and money management make more sense. I'm not suddenly sucking at money. I have about half of what I'm used to. I've fallen into the generational gaslighting of '$5 coffee and avocado toast'. I don't buy coffee every day, either... but I'm still doing, essentially, the same thing to myself.

Am I saying the oil helped me have this revelation? 😄 IDK. What I DO know is that sometimes we only think there's not enough to go around. Sometimes, there's NOT enough to go around. Either way, you're doing the best you can. Good job.