its-silco

[its-silco]

sorry that i ended two consecutive messages with "lmao." i don't know why i did that. it looks really dumb doesn't it. i'll edit one to get rid of it. you can end my stupid pathetic life if you want

[its-silco]

how did i even make friends on here, like me and the girls were running the show and now im like ???

[its-silco]

As I sifted through the towering stacks of books in my room, searching for a specific anthropology book to catch up on my coursework, I stumbled upon a birthday card tucked within the pages of a novel I forgot I bought. It was from someone who both understood and yet distanced themselves from me in a way that left me uncertain about our connection.

This card came on my first birthday after my father's passing, a day tinged with the ache of loss. The card seemed a relic of a time when I struggled with feelings of isolation amidst superficial celebrations. I hesitated to read it, considering discarding it as part of my ongoing effort to divorce my past and move forward.

Before consigning it to oblivion, I decided to cover its contents incase someone found it, I was searching for a dark enough color as my eyes were frantically darting around in hopes to not catch any word that might pull me back into a place of vulnerability. I carefully obscured the words, the only word that managed to catch my eye was 'happiness', which I spared —a nod to symbolism that might seem irrational to others but held personal significance for me.

In that moment, completing this small act felt like an achievement, transforming the card from a vessel of empty niceties into a visual representation of my journey towards self-renewal.

I kept it.

[its-silco]

Admin reveal (kinda)

Spent all day cooped up in my room packing frantically for my trip tomorrow… Curse this undiagnosed, untreated, raw dogged AuDHD

[its-silco]

I've always felt ashamed of my upbringing, though I can't disclose where I'm from for safety reasons. It was a world so different from the norm that even The Handmaid's Tale seemed tame in comparison to my reality.

Despite growing up in a non-radicalized household, I couldn't escape the harshness of the world beyond our bubble. Friends and family from neighboring countries viewed me as an outsider, highlighting how vastly different my experiences were from everyone else's. My family maintained a facade, refusing to succumb to societal pressures.

I often felt like I was playing a role, putting on a performance as if my life depended on it (and it indeed did). The mere thought of stepping outside filled me with anxiety, knowing that women were being unjustly arrested for minor 'offenses'. This environment led to my agoraphobia, although I found solace in the fact that my home remained untouched by oppressive laws, allowing me to indulge in 'illegal' pleasures like music, art, and video games.

Despite being able to invite friends over to my sanctuary, I couldn't fully express myself due to lingering fears. Over time, conditions improved, yet remnants of archaic societal norms persisted. Religious extremism gave way to a new form of radicalization—staunch nationalism—creating a different but equally unsettling atmosphere.

The shame and trauma I carry feel like a constant, gauging wound. While others moved on, I'm haunted by memories that refuse to fade. It's challenging to convey this to those who haven't experienced it firsthand, leaving me feeling invalidated and misunderstood, and unable to freely speak or be myself without being labeled an enemy, as I'm a living reminder of past hardships that many prefer to forget. Normal life experiences eluded me, leaving behind deep-seated resentment, it seemed as though no one wanted to hear our cries, girls and women felt so alone.

I often wonder how so many women were able to move on so quickly and turn on the switch of the new fascist era while I remain in limbo still feeling paralyzed.

[its-silco]

Fernando Pessoa, “The Book of Disquiet” / The Diaries of Franz Kafka / My photography / The Diaries of Franz Kafka / The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath / Unknown / Fernando Pessoa, “The Book of Disquiet” / Ray Donley, “The Mask of Sanity (no 2)”/ Fernando Pessoa, “The Book of Disquiet”

[its-silco]

Keiichi Takasawa: 'The Swing' (1971)

[its-silco]

Tracy Chapman

[its-silco]

[its-silco]

i don't pay attention to the world ending. it has ended for me many times and began again in the morning.

― Nayyirah Waheed, Salt

[its-silco]

Dec. 1, 2015 | Gaza City, Palestine

Palestinian schoolgirls walk in front of a rainbow illuminating the sky over Gaza City’s shore.

[its-silco]

DYKES FOR A FREE PALESTINE (x)

[its-silco]

Louise Glück, from "Persephone the Wanderer", Averno

[its-silco]

ive been over nostalgia lately, it makes me so angry ive also been resentful towards the little memories i can remember im overcome with this urge to burn all my pictures from my childhood and teens, throw everything that tethers me to my past and live as if i was born yesterday it's so much more complex than resentment, its layered and im not sure where to start all i know is that i dont want anything to do with my past, i wish i could change my name, change my face and start anew but thats too farfetched so for now, its easier to burn my childhood pictures and try to forget everything about those years

[its-silco]

If you have no other option, you will succeed.

[its-silco]

what do you do when you know for a fact that its all going downhill from here? that there is noway things will get better how does one find the strength to keep going when those are the facts that they must come to terms with i genuinely wonder

[its-silco]

i feel like ive always wanted more from life i always expected everything to happen naturally as it did to the people around me, i never thought that even the simplest experiences required so much effort for it to happen for me friendships, love, happiness, fulfilment all were very difficult for me to gain i have never been truly loved, i have never had close friendships i dont know what it feels like to belong or to be desired it seems that what is a natural part of life for some is a difficult obstacle to achieve for me i just seek belonging and loving and i have neither i wonder how long of this will i be able to handle, i want more i need more from life other than my own company i want to be noticed and desired and loved