#it is fascinating! as a book fan for me the show has been blowing my expectations a lot

[mejomonster]

I found you through guardian, and I'm watching your descent into justice in the dark. It's fascinating.

I also have another show added to my my to watch list and I blame you.

Guardian my beloved <3

ToT well its been a lovely ride so far. (I would warn you to probably not check out this show until it's confirmed to be airing again as it's on pause and the Waiting is an experience you may not wanna join us in. I'm sure I'll be mentioning when it's back to airing on here. For now there's only been 8 eps so far).

Justice in the Dark is based on a priest novel that edanglars translated quite lovely here: https://edanglarstranslations.com/mod

[irregularjohnnywiggins]

Will you review Batman: Dark Knight of the Round Table some time? Please?

You asked, and I cannot resist the call of Arthuriana for long. Let's do this.

Batman wise, this is kinda painfully generic. I always prefer Elseworld stories that actually do something creative with the canon characters, but by the time we reach the end of the first issue, we have Batman as a masked vigilante, Alfred as his confidant, Robin as his sidekick, and a cave hidden behind a piece of furniture. Hell, Bruce even has most of his usual tricks, just replacing 'gadgets' with 'magic' and 'batarangs' with 'sword'. Even that change - that this is a Batman that kills, and quite enthusiastically too - isn't really explored to it's greatest depths.

It's also very noticeable to me that most of the Bruce-related stuff that isn't just an airbrush of the traditional Batman mythos is just the Black Knight from Marvel. Also, look, I'm on record as being a fan of Ra's and Talia, and even I was exasperated when they showed up, did the most cookie-cutter speedrun version of their generic plot, then died.

However, I am not a monster: the giant zodiac talisman and dragon in the Not!Batcave were really funny.

In terms of Arthuriana, it's really fascinating to me that they decided to make the impetus of Bruce's origin story the May Day Massacre. It's rarely a thing that gets brought up in my experience, especially not in a story that actually tries to make Arthur a sympathetic character, but I think they did a really good job of it. They do soften the blow somewhat by making Arthur exile the babies instead of mass murder them, but the scene where Arthur agrees to let Bruce kill him after Mordred's been dealt with and says "If I am to die, I prefer it to be by the hands of justice." was genuinely kinda touching.

In terms of other Arthurian characters, the Knights of the Round Table are such non-entities that were it not for the need to make him one for the title to make any sense I would be questioning why they're here at all, given Batgod solves most of the problems of the book. Morgana and Mordred are just generic villains, although I did laugh out loud at Baby Mordred snarling at Morgan after apparently having ripped the heads off about four dogs and cats with... his baby teeth? Also, I should note that the comic is very unclear about whether or not the Three Queens of Avalon and the Lady of the Lake are at all related, which is vexing for me specifically.

But, my biggest source of praise for this comic - I really like this version of Merlin. The way he talks like a particularly smug teacher who wants you to prove how stupid he knows you are, the fact that at the end he admits to fully orchestrating the entire plot, manipulating Bruce's trauma over the death of his family, a death Morgana only orchestrates because Merlin sends her a taunting dream-message, and gets away with it scott free, the running gag of him using his ability to enter people's dreams to eat food that his imprisonment doesn't let him have? 10/10, no notes.

Overall, not going to top The Doom That Came To Gotham as Best Batman Elseworld (not least of which because Giordano and Layton are really good artists, but not anywhere near Mignola), but still a pretty fun read.

[weatheredpileoftomes]

whole damn place is about to blow

Linza, gen-ish, early Heavensward, ~1100 words. Canon-typical violence, xenophobia, etc. Writing my way through msq again—I am absolutely fascinated by the way existing in Linza’s canon changes Ilberd as a character; I have been thinking about very little else for days. Some dialogue has been taken from the level 51 quest “Keeping the Flame Alive”.

——

“Give me the key,” Yugiri snaps, waving poison-green smoke away from her face as she kneels at the magitek field’s controls.

They hadn’t even given Raubahn a change of clothing, not in months. The rags he wears are still covered in his own blood. Linza’s fingertips are numb as she hands the key over; she resettles her grip on her staff and thinks of a strong, clean wind—off the distant ocean, salt-tinged and wild.

It stirs the air a little.

Carbuncle’s tail fans back and forth as Alphinaud mutters over his book. Linza coughs, and coughs again.

“You came,” Raubahn says again, a little stronger this time. He’s looking at her, not Yugiri or Alphinaud.

Linza doesn’t know what to say. Of course I did. I promised Nanamo. I promised Nanamo, and she might not be dead. She stares helplessly back at him, struck almost as silent as if she’d been bespelled again.

He goes into another fit of coughing as he tries to thank her, and then gods-damned Ilberd shows up.

Linza’s very blood is fire and lightning, here in the bowels of a cave turned bloodsands. She burns to turn them on Ilberd, even as the poison still lingers in the air.

“I have us, Linza,” Alphinaud says, and—of course. Of course, he’d been betrayed as surely as Linza was, though differently. These were his men that they’re facing. Who are still wearing the uniforms he designed, as Linza was flung bound and silenced in front of the assembled leadership of the continent wearing Ala Mhigan violet and with the embroidered griffin on her skirts spreading across the floor.

Who swore an oath to Alphinaud and Eorzea, as Ilberd had claimed that killing Nanamo and removing Raubahn and the Scions and Linza herself in one fell swoop, that leaving men like Teledji Adeledji and Lolorito in unhindered control of Ul’dah and all the refugees outside its walls, was for the good of Ala Mhigo.

Linza draws in a gasping breath and puts herself between Ilberd and Raubahn. It’s useless—he might be taller than her even kneeling—but she can’t not do it.

They’re yalms below the open sky, and even if she had the strength in conjury to bring the ceiling down on Ilberd and his jackals it wouldn’t satisfy her. But Alphinaud has them, and so she calls on destruction, on black magic, in Rhalgr’s name, and feels the lightning gather and burst from the shadowed air itself.

She’ll see them all in hell.

Fray will want to know why she didn’t call forth her sword, but the only answer Linza can give is that it’s not right, not now. Steel is all they respect in Ishgard, but this isn’t the Fury’s ground.

You should have killed him, Fray would say. You should have done it for the harm he’s done and called justice.

Fire blooms between Linza’s hands, explodes against the worn stone of the hall. Ilberd is cornered now, sweat dripping down his face and blood spattered across his uniform from Yugiri’s knives. The Braves must have taken a poison ward, but even with that Ilberd is panting for breath, his sword and shield drooping.

Why didn’t you kill him? Fray would ask. Linza can feel the thunder gathered, a storm built within her staff.

“It is over, Ilberd!” Alphinaud shouts. “Lay down your arms and surrender yourself to justice!”

Surrender?

“Justice?!” Ilberd echoes scornfully, as if anything he’s done has served justice either. Linza’s body crackles with unspent lightning, prickling in her fingers, searing as she squeezes her staff to try to ground her rage. Her ears ring with it.

When Ilberd’s voice fades back in he’s speaking to her. “You fight for whoever bloody well tells you to.”

“I fight for Ala Mhigo,” Linza says. She can feel her mouth moving; she can hear the voice whispering, too quiet to be understood. “I always have.”

“Can you not see you’re being used?!” Ilberd demands.

Linza shakes her head. He might say the Scions and the city-states had used her, but that isn’t a surprise. She’d known they were. She’d been using them in return, hoarding scraps of goodwill that had turned into feasts of it, and then he’d come in and thrown that all on the midden.

Two years of smiling, of staying quiet, of being a reliable errand girl, of doing whatever she was asked. Two years of listening as people called the refugees every name they could think of, to her face, not realizing she was one of them too, and not being able to say anything. Her whole life, growing up without ever having seen her homeland.

So what if she hadn’t suffered as long as he had? There wasn’t a price to be paid in blood or tears before someone could do something to free Ala Mhigo. Everyone should want to, whether they’d suffered or no.

“Know this,” he shouts at her. “There is nothing I would not give to take back Ala Mhigo! Nothing!”

Linza gulps air. “Including Ala Mhigans! What good is a country that’s nothing but empty dirt?” The storm is starting to blow away, unspent. She clutches her staff even tighter, as if that could keep its power there in case she changes her mind. “All of us are nothing to you! You’d entrust the refugees in Ul’dah to Lolorito and keep me from getting Alliance support for a war of liberation just so you can be the hero? Hero of what?”

Her head is spinning. She’d burned through too much aether, maybe, with the poison, with sprinting through the twisting halls of Halitali, with the choking cold of Coerthas before that.

“Pampered brat,” Ilberd spits. “You with your private meetings with the sultana of bloody Ul’dah, the praise you’ve gotten from the Flame General.” The look he flicks at Raubahn is venomous. Linza takes a step closer to Raubahn, drawing the shapes of Manaward in her mind. “This isn’t your struggle. You’ll never understand it.”

Before Linza can protest, he and his men vanish in a puff of smoke, like one of Yugiri’s shinobi tricks.

Raubahn groans, and she turns and drops to her knees beside him. He’s filthy, with new pain-carved lines on his face, but he’s alive. She did that much for Nanamo, at least.

She did that much, at least.

Even when she reaches for her staff again, settling into the healing flow of conjury, the electric fizzing under her skin doesn’t ease.

[pretoriafics]

Teenage Dream Pt. 2 (Interactive story)

Man! I think this one is the most amazing thing I'd ever written! I'll request from all of you guys special attention at the end of this chapter. I'll let you a message, and I'm pretty sure you will love it!

Derek took you to his loft. While you are alone, you start to understand the environment you were now part of. Word count: 2.056 Pairings: Different Dimension!Reader x Derek; Different Dimension!Reader x Platonic!Laura; Different Dimension!Reader x Platonic!Cora; Different Dimension!Reader x Platonic!Talia Contain: It’s pretty fun; AU Warnings: English is not my main language <3 PART 1 ALTERNATIVE VERSION TEEN WOLF MASTERLIST

You finally entered Derek's loft. Oh, man... It was just like in the tv show!

You enter the loft just like if you had entered paradise. With your mouth opened in pure fascination, you swirl around your feet while looking around. Derek came just behind you with arch eyebrows. It would be funny if it doesn't be scary.

"Oh. My. Godness. Is it here that all the pack meetings are made?"

Derek didn't reply to you. Instead of it, he just stares at you. He gives a few steps forward, getting closer to you.

"What's your name?"

You swallowed hard. Derek was with his usual cold expression, arms crossed in front of his chest, and no patience for bullshit.

"(Y/N) (Y/L/N)."

"Good. Look (Y/N) (Y/L/N), you will stay right here. You will not get out, you will not call anyone, or speak with anyone. If you run away from here, I'll kill you faster than you could say to me what happens at season one. Did I made things clear to you?" Shrunken in fear, you just nod, and Derek narrows his eyes to you. "Okay. I need to see someone that you probably know, so-"

"Braeden? Jennifer? Deaton?"

Derek sounds confused to hear the first two names. So, you simply thought that he didn't meet them yet.

"Not of your business."

He gives his back to you, walking out of his loft and closing the door, locking you there. And, wow, you have Derek's loft all for you! Oh man, it just like on the fanfics!

Well, you were curious and excited as hell. Your first thought was something pretty plausible: You used to watch Teen Wolf when you were a teenager. So, being inside the series was just like time-traveling. Smartphones aren't a thing yet, and Dua Lipa music still unknown. As a way to test this theory, you walk in the radio's direction and turn it on. The music that started to fill the room was Friday by Rebecca Black. Yeah, you remind that song, and you instantly felt nostalgic. But it could be just random music on the radio, right?

You switched the radio station, and then Party Rock Anthem By LMFAO starts to play. Well, another song of 2011... But you aren't so sure yet, so you switch the radio station one last time. You almost fell on your back when Domino by Jessie J fills the room. You took a confirmation that yeah, you were back in the 2011's. You are probably during the events of season one.

Well, Scott has just been bit by Peter, Derek just came back from town, and... You are now in the middle of all of that.

"Oh, man!"

You can't do anything for a while. So, all you could do is wait for Derek and whatever he was doing now. You look around while Jessie J sings on the radio, giving you a few nostalgic feelings. Well, you would take a relaxing bath. There's just one problem: All the clothes you have is the one you're wearing now. Without giving a damn, you walk to Derek's wardrobe direction.

"I'm sorry sour wolf, but I'll borrow a few clothes of yours." You open it and take a black shirt. Man, you felt thrilled! "Jeez, this is so like the fanfics!"

You go to the bathroom's direction, taking off your kitten pajama, and putting yourself under the hot water of the shower. Man, Rude Boy by Rihanna starts to play on the radio. You couldn't contain a laugh. It was funny because you were taking a shower and would wear clothes from a legit rude boy.

And, well, you started to sing. It was everything really nice for a few minutes: You were wearing Derek's shirt, listening to a few old pieces of music, and, now, you were in his kitchen making a sandwich.

When you sat on Derek's bed, with your wet hair and your sandwich, Starstrukk by 3OH!3 and Katy Perry started to play. Yeah, that time alone was being nice! You move your body in the music's rhythm while bites your sandwich, still sat on the mattress. You should enjoy that peace while it lasts!

The sandwich was cool, the music either... But you realized that, now, you had a golden chance that every fan would die to have: You are alone in Derek's flat. What kind of things he hides there?

After finishing your sandwich, you look around. You stand up from the mattress and walk around the loft. Getting upstairs, you could find some supernatural books, some weird things that you thought could be some magic stuff, and his laptop. Oh, man! What else hides in his internet searches?

You hold yourself, trying to decide if you should snoop his history on the internet or if you should see what he hides on his bedside table drawer.

When you go downstairs, Animal by Neon Trees fills your ears. You run to Derek's bedside table and opens his drawer. You found his cell phone charger, as well as the laptop one, a coin with a triskelion and... tons of condoms.

Your eyes got widen. This is definitely the kind of thing the TV show hasn't expose.

Also, you noticed Derek's loft needed some... cleaning.

Bored as never before, you walked to the kitchen searching for some cleaning stuff. You found some on a cabinet: A mop and a few other products. Oh, perfect! You took them and, soon, you were sliding the mop through the flat while sings Animal. The flat smells like lavender now, and the floor is so clean that you are proud.

You heard Magic by Rivers Cuomo and B.o.B on the radio, and you sing with the music reminding the parties at your friend's house after school. Suddenly, the door finally opens, and you heard Derek's voice.

"...She's not lying, and I need to know if you already saw something like that before."

You froze with the mop on your hand when you saw Derek. He froze as well. It was understandable: A complete stranger is cleaning his flat and wearing his clothes.

"...Oh, hi! I've borrowed your shirt."

Then, a female voice came behind him.

"There are tons of things that could cause this kind of thing. We need to investigate."

Talia Hale came after his son, as well as Laura and Cora. They also froze with the scene of you wearing Derek's clothes and cleaning his loft. You? Well, your eyes almost had pulled out of your face when you saw them. Talia inhales the air to her lungs, clearly smelling the air.

"Are this... Lavender?"

"Yeah, it is." Laura replied her mom, looking at Derek after that "I think lavender suits you. It's perfect for your flat. It is really your thing, Derek."

You were so confused! What are they doing there? Your chin fell, letting your mouth opened in pure disbelief. Derek rolled his eyes at Laura before look at you again.

"...She'll freak out."

"Oh. My. Gosh. Oh my gosh!!" The mop fell on the floor, and you ran through Talia, Cora, and Laura's direction. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

The Hale women look at each other, and Cora looks at you.

"Well, mom came here to help Derek with, uh, you. And I guess you already know us."

"You shouldn't be here!" You stare at Cora "You should be in South America! And both of you" You stare at Talia and Laura "I can't even talk about you two! Jeez!"

You put your hands on your head, with your mind blowing while the Hale family enters into the loft. Derek turns off the radio before staring at you again.

"I thought you were used to seeing me with them."

You stare at him, with your eyes widen. Your mind was full of theories already.

"Derek, you are definitely not understanding what is happening here. Your family shouldn't be here."

He arches his eyebrows, noticing there's something pretty wrong here.

"What do you mean?"

"Look" You approach them, looking at everyone "I'll do just one question: Did your house was burned some years ago?"

They look at each other, with the engines on their head trying to work. Talia stares at you.

"Yeah, but we had fortunately escaped."

"How about your brother?"

"Peter was the only one that hasn't managed to."

Oh, man... That means one thing. Scared as hell, you sat on the mattress. Derek started to feel anxious and approaches you.

"What's happening?"

You breathe in, staring at the family.

"It shouldn't happen. At the TV show, Talia dies at the fire. Cora ran to South America, Peter got burnt and goes to a clinic, Laura turns herself into alpha, and she stays with Derek. It means that I'm not on the TV Show. I'm inside a fanfic."

Oh, man... It means, basically, that you even haven't so sure about what will happens next. If you were inside the TV Show, you could predict the future. You couldn't do it if you were inside a fanfic.

While you were in complete shock, Talia looks at her family.

"Well... I'll search the most plausible theory of (Y/N)'s arrival. I think we can start looking for some witches near. It can be some work from a coven."

While the Hale family talks about you, you still sat on the mattress, thinking about what the heck was going on. Well, what kind of fanfic did you got into? Was It an insert-reader one, or was It just a common one? Are you the protagonist?

You would test your theory, and you would do it right now.

Knowing the opportunity was just right there, you ran through the flat's door. However, Derek notices your escaping.

"She's running away!"

A mess quickly takes form inside Derek's loft: His announcement made all the Hale run after you, trying to avoid your escaping. They don't know anything about you yet. It could be dangerous to have you simply walking around Beacon Hills.

Fast, you ran through the building until you go outside. A storm quickly takes form, and heavy rain starts to fell from the skies. To everyone's surprise, you stopped in the middle of the asphalt, looking at the sky.

"Hey!" You yelled to something up there "I want a sign! Hey, writer! Readers! Anyone! Am I inside of a fanfic? Answer me! Send me a clue, anything!"

A thunder lightens the skies, and you fell on your knees with a lack of a clue that could help you to find out what was going on. Then, you felt a hand grab your arm.

"Enough, weirdo." Laura said, holding you while the Hale family surrounds you to keep you from running away "You'll stay inside the loft."

With all the last hopes of yours, you look up from the skies. The rainwater runs through your body while you wait. You just want a sign! A clue!

Then, you thought you had seen something. Laura pushes you, making you stand up from the asphalt. And when she was started to drag you to the loft again, you saw something falling from the sky. Derek saw it too.

"Laura, wait."

Everyone looks up, noticing what the heck was that: It was a post-it paper falling from the skies in your direction. When it came close enough, you took it.

Man... When you read it, your face became pale as a candle, and you simply pass out on Laura's arms. Caught by surprise, Laura holds you while everyone runs in your direction. Cora took the post-it paper from your hand and, when she read it, she stares at her family completely incredulous.

"What?" Derek looks at her, in urgency to know what was that. Cora swallowed hard, starting to read the post-it paper out loud.

"Here says: Author's note: Yeah, you are inside a fanfic. Author's note two: Your story has just started, girl."

Yeah, for sure, the Hale family stares at each other in complete shock. Of course, they weren't expecting that your call for a sign would be replied to. Especially by me, the author of your story! Ha! And honestly? I'll think carefully if I'll help you during your journey inside your favorite TV Show, because, honestly? I'll not let things easy for you.

FINAL AUTHOR'S NOTE Here's the thing about this series: I'm the author mentioned at the end of this chapter, y'all are the readers mentioned in the story AND the (Y/N) of this story. Consider that the (Y/N) is the "you" from a different dimension, okay? Why should you consider this: Because you all can communicate themselves with the (Y/N) of that story! At every ending of the chapter, I'll request you to send me something to help the (Y/N) inside the story. You will send it through my ask, right here. Well, the (Y/N) has requested to the readers sent her a sign that she is really inside of a fanfic. Send me your clue for (Y/N) through my ask, and I'll put it on the next chapter to makes her freaking out.

I'll be waiting for y'all!

[girl8890]

R Town | Ch.18

Namjoon x Daisy (FemOc)

6.6k

POV: Namjoon

Warnings: Pole dance, Premature ejaculation, Vaginal fingering, Vaginal sex, First time in a long time, Confessions, Anxiety attack.

Index | Ch.19

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

I know some people are going to call me ridiculous, wiped, or even delusional... but I just can't give up on Daisy.

After the night I found out what she does for work, I went home and cried for hours. I even called out of work the next day for the first time since I started working there when I was sixteen. I only got the job because it was the closest thing in town that was to my real dream. That, and my father just died from getting drunk and swimming in a pool, so I really started focusing on my dream after that.

But instead of my dream of becoming an actor, the only thing that's been on my mind this past week is Daisy. How I found out about her job; how we left things; how sad she looked while she broke us off; and, worst of all, how I let her go.

Besides Daisy telling me I shouldn't talk to her anymore, letting her go was what made me cry the most. Me being a coward was always the norm. I never take risks, and maybe that's why I'm still living in a town where dreams never come true. But now I'm glad I never left this town because if I did then I would have never met her.

I think about everything Daisy and I ever did together. All the movie marathons, the snacks we would steal and eat from the movie theater, the excitement in her eyes when she was showing me her comic books. I never thought a girl like Daisy would ever be a fan of Batman, but I also never thought I would ever fall in love with a girl like Daisy either.

If I were to tell anyone about my situation with Daisy, I know they would tell me to just get over her. That she's not worth my time or energy. That a "whore" like her only wants dick and the money you give them... but that's not my Daisy. My Daisy is sweet, and kind, and gives guys like me the time of day to talk about stupid shit like my favorite color! Daisy is the girl I love, and I don't care that she's a stripper or a prostitute... I just want her safe.

I want her safe, and to be mine only. I want to take her out of that line of work, and show her a world where I will love her until the end of the earth. I want to show her what our life could be like. Me as a - hopefully - big actor, and her being a hairstylist at a high-end beauty salon.

Daisy is always doing her hair in some way. Even though I love her naturally wavy hair, seeing her hair in a different style every day always fascinated me. Although she doesn't voice her dream often, I can tell she loves the craft of hairstyling a lot. I want to give her that dream. I want her to have that dream more than I want my own dream to come true. And most importantly... I want her to mine, and mine alone. I at least want that dream to come true, or maybe even show her the possibility of it.

I guess that's why I'm here, standing in front of the Lee club and staring at it like it's a toxic waste joint instead of a sex and strip club. As much as I tried not to think about Daisy with other men, it was really hard not to. I felt bad even thinking about Daisy and me being intimate in that way, me knowing she is so much more than just a sex object, but her beauty would sometimes take over my urges at night. The men that visit her here, don't give a shit about who she is as a person. They want one thing and one thing only, and I hate that Daisy has a job surrounded by those types of men.

I close my eyes and take in a lung full of air, and tried to blow out all my anger with it. After a few minutes of meditation in front of this fucking sex and strip club, I open my eyes and walk through the doors.

I've never been to a strip club before. Not even when I turned eighteen, and some of my old friends tried to drag me to one. I just found them degrading, especially clubs like this.

A girl with black hair, wearing the smallest pair of underwear and bra set I've ever seen on a woman, is spinning around the pole with her legs wide open. She has tattoos everywhere on her body, starting from her ankles and stopping at her neck. The new doctor in town, Liam, is throwing bills all around her.  The girl is snatching up all the cash with her one hand, all the whirl still spinning and holding herself on the pole with the other.

I swallow while watching the erotic tricks, but it doesn't make any blood flow travel south. I take my eyes off the stripper and start walking around the club in search of Daisy. After five minutes have passed and not finding her, I begin to think maybe she doesn't work tonight. Or an even better possibility, maybe she doesn't work here anymore.

But before that thought could really implant in my mind, the tattooed stripper leaves the stage, and the next one comes out... and it's Daisy.

I actually have to do a double-take when I see her. I feel just as nasty as the rest of the guys here when I feel my dick jump in my pants when I see what Daisy looks like.

Her hair is half up and half down but also curled. She's wearing deep blue lipstick, making her already plump lips look bigger, but what's really getting my heart racing is her outfit. She's wearing deep blue lingerie, the bottom and top part of the outfit connecting at her stomach with a little diamond. It's all lace, and just the specific parts for her are covered by deeper lace. It's making her look super sexy, but at the same time, this isn't lingerie she would wear for a lover. It's something a stripper would wear to give little for the imagination, but still covering the parts that people would have to pay to see more of.

It takes one turn of Daisy on the pole, and then she stops when she sees me. I'm standing behind the front row of chairs in front of the stage, and I can see it clear on her face she's not only shocked to see me but embarrassed because how I'm seeing her.

Daisy starts to cover herself, but then she glances around and remembers what she's there for, so she refrains. I walk up to the stage, and try my very hardest to only look her in the eyes when I say, "Dais, can we please talk?"

The music is loud, but I know she heard me when I watch her swallow. She leans down a little closer to me, and responds, "I'm working, Namjoon. I can't do this right now, please leave."

Before I can say anything else, she straightens back up and begins to waltz around the stage. I feel defeated at this point, and watching some group of guys start to throw cash at Daisy is not helping my already terrible mood about this place. But then my eyes widened because those guys give me an idea.

Daisy finds herself back twirling around the pole, and once she glances at me, I slam my hand full of cash on the stage, making her jump. She looks between my hand full cash and my determined face. Then I say with equal determination, "I want a room with you right now."

Daisy doesn't speak to me the whole walk to one of the private rooms. I guess whatever amount of money I dug out of my pocket and gave to her was enough because not only did I buy a separate room, but I bought one that had a lockable door instead of just some lousy curtains.

It doesn't really matter what room I'm in because I'm not here for that. I'm here to talk to her and that's it. Daisy opens the room and lets me walk in first. The second my eyes take in the room, my jaw drops. Not only does it have twice as much space as the other rooms, but the large circular booth has its own personal small stage with a pole in the middle of it. The lights are pointed right at that pole, and as Daisy shuts and locks the door behind us, I realize the room itself is soundproof. The bumpy, soundproof, walling strips on the doors and walls show that someone can be screaming and there's no way anyone outside this room could hear them.

Before I could let my mind wander to what that means, Daisy pulls me by my wrist and practically throws me on the couch. I look at Daisy's face in bewilderment, and she looks in no way impressed by what I just did out there in the main room.

"Look, Dais, I'm sorry, but I needed to talk-"

"Namjoon!" Daisy interrupts me and has me shutting my mouth altogether with a raise of her hand. "Let's just get this over with, and then you can leave. I told you I didn't want to see you anymore, but with the amount of cash you gave me I have no choice."

Daisy then struts away to one of the cabinets attached to the wall across from me, and I see inside a small music player. I shake my head and rethink her words, so I clarify to her, "I don't want any of that." Daisy looks over at me and raises an eyebrow that shows she doesn't believe me. "Well, not like this. You know I have feelings for you, so don't be unfair."

"Please, stop," Daisy says while she messes with the music player, not looking at me again. Even after the music turns on she continues to mess with the buttons.

I stand up out of my seat. "No, I won't stop! I should have stopped you when I let you drive away, and I should have told you all this before. I -... I love you Daisy."

I hear Daisy quietly gasp, but she says nothing in return. The silence continues to stretch between us, and I hate that she's not only saying anything in return but not facing me as well. I promised myself I would no longer be a coward when it came to Daisy, and I'm not going to start now.

So, with one deep breath, I stomp over to her, spin her around, and slam my lips to hers. The crash of our lips has Daisy's head hitting the cabinet, but I protect her from any damage by putting my hand in her hair, so the cabinet hits my hand instead. I want no harm to ever come to Daisy, even if I have to protect her from such trivial things as her head hitting a cabinet.

I pour all my feelings into that kiss. I don't know how I feel about it - well, her lips feel amazing, and they are as perfect to kiss as I thought they would be - but she's not responding to it. Without pulling back, I say against her lips, "Please, love me back Daisy."

After a hesitant moment, Daisy finally responds to my kiss. She relaxes in my hold and glides her hands up my chest. It feels so good to have her in my arms, and kissing her perfect lips for the first time is like heaven on earth!

Daisy starts to push me backward until my knees buckle back on the couch, and our lips detach when I fall back in my seat. Daisy smirks and nudges my knees to spread them apart with her hand. I don't understand what she's doing until I watch her walk backward until her back hits the pole.

"Wait, Daisy, I-I said I just wanted to talk."

"Then talk," Daisy says with a mischievous smile on her face. "I know you will weather I tell you can or can't, and you gave me enough money for an hour, so... you'll get what you want."

Daisy puts her hand on the pole behind her, but she's still facing me. I heard her words clear as day, but even as I repeat her words over and over again my brain isn't letting me say anything. I have a million questions to ask her, but when her back starts sliding down the pole and she spreads her legs open I forget them all. I forget every question I've been rehearsing for the past week.

Daisy glides her hand from her knee all the way up to her inner thigh. I watch as she slowly rubs at her sheer covered core, and I have to clench my hands on my knees to not let out an embarrassing moan because of the sight.

Daisy stands back up and begins walking around the pole. "I thought you had questions for me, Namjoon. Now it seems you are speechless."

I see the knowing smirk on her face, and I hear the sultry tone of her voice. I now understand what's she doing. She's trying to seduce me into forgetting any of my questions. Maybe even trying to prove that all guys are the same and that I'm just saying I'm in love with her for kicks. But that's far from the truth.

I clear my throat and try my best to ask my first question while she lifts herself on the pole. "W-why won't you be with me Daisy? I think you know I could... that I could take care of you - oh fuck."

Daisy does a split in the air, only holding herself up by her arms on the pole. Making my erection now strain painfully in my pants. I know this is pathetic. Me getting so hard by just seeing what was between her thighs, but when I said I've never been in love, that also included not being very sexual. Besides losing my virginity when I was seventeen to some girl I can't even remember the name of right now, my sexual experience is basically zilch.

"I can't be with you because I'm not a good person."

"Untrue! Your the nicest and sweetest... and honestly most beautiful girl I've ever met," I say breathlessly.

Daisy's full of mischief smile falls with my compliment, but by the way she quietly gasps I know it affected her in a positive way. She then slides down the pole and walks around it again, thinking.

"You don't understand, Namjoon. I'm not a good person for you." She presses her back against the pole again, and then slowly puts her hand at the back of her neck to pull the strings there. All the while saying, "I have sex with guys for money. You don't know what I've done to survive in the past."

Her lingerie falls to the floor, and it takes me a moment to process her words when I see Daisy's naked body for the first time. Her body is more beautiful than any actress I've ever seen in movies. She has an hourglass figure, but her breasts and hips sizes are the types that girls get plastic surgery to have.

I bite my lip, hard. Trying to prevent myself from being who she's expecting me to be. Expecting me to be like any other guy that sees her body. Whipping out their dicks to jerk off to the sight, or maybe even attacking her to get straight to what they truly want. Right now, I'm preventing myself from just rubbing myself through my jeans, especially when she starts rubbing at her nipple in circular motions.

I shake my head of any lustful thoughts of coming and shut my eyes tightly for a moment. I need to concentrate on why I'm here. I can't do that while I'm looking at her naked!

"I don't care what you've done in the past, and the... sex - with guys for money, I can help you out of that life. Please, just let me show you. Let me show you a life where all you have to worry about is what movie we want to watch together, and what color to dye someone's hair at your dream job."

I slowly open my eyes, only glancing once away from her eyes, as Daisy shakes her head and looks down at the floor. I don't know which of my words affected her the most, but something made her sniffle and shed a tear that she quickly swipes away.

"What if I mess up?"

Oh my god, is she really going to take my offer?

"You won't." I stand up and walk up to Daisy until I'm on the mini stage with her. I pick her chin up and stare her right in the eyes as I say, "And if you ever feel like your going to, then I'll help you. I'll help you in any way I can because I love you, Daisy."

Daisy's lip starts to wobble, her last bit of tolerance to not crying about to snap. I take her face in my hands, gently cupping her soft cheeks. "I love you, Daisy," I repeat. "Please, give me the chance to show you."

Without anymore hesitantly, she answers with a nod of her head, and then she bursts out in tears. I have to catch her from falling into a pit of tears when a large ripple of emotions courses through her. I try to only concentrate on keeping her from falling, and not the fact that her naked body is pressed against me. I kiss the top of her head and hold her close to comfort Daisy while she cries.

When her wailing cries become only small sniffles, I move some hair out of her face to behind her ear. Before I could even suggest it, Daisy whispers to me, "Let's go home."

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

As much as I wanted to since her little show at the club got me very horny, I didn't think Daisy would want to have sex once we got to my house. In fact, once Daisy walked in the door, I thought she would just want to nap or something, but instead, she pushed me on the couch and jumped me. Smashing our lips together has me finally losing the strength to not moan from the contact.

I only saw her naked body twenty minutes ago, before Daisy quickly put on her jacket and we ran out the back door of the club undetected. She's still in her lingerie, but she has an oversized coat on, covering herself from anyone seeing her basically naked form in public.

For me, on the other hand, she rips her jacket right off without detaching our lips and instead deepens the push of her lips onto mine.

This is all so overwhelming. Having Daisy wrapped in my arms, kissing her so passionately I'm seeing stars, having her almost naked core grinding against my crotch with earnestness. I try to tell her to stop, that I'm about to blow a load in my pants because of what she's doing, but it comes out as gibberish and she keeps kissing me harder and harder.

It's when she takes my hand and puts it under the sheer lingerie, cupping her breast in my hand, that I gasp and cum right in my pants. I pull Daisy's body close to me because I start to lose my vision because of how good it feels.

"Fuck - I'm sorry - fuck," I say against her shoulder when I'm finished embarrassing myself.

Daisy takes my hand off her breast and then wraps her arms around my neck. She giggles at me acting like a horny fool, and then says, "Seems like it's been a while for you."

Daisy nips at my ear, and it had my dick already stirring back to life in my pants. I think Daisy could literally cough right now and I would think it was the sexiest thing in the world.

"Yeah, a long while." Daisy stops nibbling at my ear, then pulls back from me altogether to look at me confused.

"How long exactly is a long while?"

I begin to feel nervous about her question. I know Daisy has loads more experience than me, but I still want her to feel good. I still want to be intimate with her for the first time, and show her how deep my love for her really goes. I'm just worried she won't like my answer to her question.

"Um - well..." Daisy raises a pointed eyebrow, waiting for my answer. "Since I was seventeen."

Daisy gaps, but quickly closes her mouth. Not wanting to further embarrass me since it's clear by my blushing that I already am for admitting this fact.

"Wow. I'll be honest, I'm surprised."

"Is it really that's surprising?"

Daisy smiles and shakes her head. "Yeah, your, well... you."

She gestures to all of me, and I smile with pride when I see a cute little blush raise on Daisy's cheeks. I pull Daisy closer to me by her hips and kiss her softly. It was only a quick peek on the lips, but I poured my truth into it. I want Daisy, and I want all she's willing to give me. Even if she never wanted to have sex with me, and I would forever be that guy that only had sex once when I was seventeen, I would be content as long as I had Daisy close to me.

I tell Daisy all of this, including, "...I love you."

My sweet words don't make Daisy cry this time, but I do see her eyes gloss over. I love how sensitive and emotional Daisy gets. I love knowing I can make her feel this way by my words alone. It makes me want to tell her all the ways she makes me happy, and I hope after tonight she decides to stay with me, so I can show and tell her just how much I love her every day.

I pick Daisy up bridal style, and she gasps at my quick movements. As I'm walking us to our room though, she begins to laugh that contagious laugh of hers, making a dimpled smile form on my face.

I lay her down on my bed and then crawl over her. I kiss both of her cheeks before diving in to kiss her for real. As much as I wish I was as experienced as Daisy, so I could know all the ways to please her, I'm glad Daisy is here with me. I wouldn't want to be intimate like this with anyone else.

I detach myself from her lips and swallow even though my throat is dry. Preparing myself for my next words, "Teach me how to please you, Daisy."

Daisy looks shocked at first, widening her eyes because she didn't expect me to say them. She blinks a few times up at me, then nods her head. For the second time today, I watch Daisy slowly remove her lingerie from her body. This time, I don't try to distract myself and act like a gentleman. Daisy is under me, completely naked, and her beautiful body is on display for me and me only.

I want to touch her, but I'm not sure where she wants me to touch her. Luckily, Daisy is taking her role of the teacher as it is because she takes one of the hands holding me above her, and moves it between my legs. I gasp when I feel how wet Daisy already is. It feels like I'm touching a fricken ocean, she's so wet.

"Sorry, I know I'm really wet. It's kinda a problem."

I shake my head, not being able to form words, and Daisy bites her lip when she feels me start to explore.

I explore her crevices and become a faster learner. I listen for Daisy's heavy breathing and watch her face contort to know which parts of her she wants to be touched. Touching the bundle of nerves and feeling her thighs squeeze my hand when I start to probe at her entrance, seem to be her favorite part. She grabs at my shoulders as my finger smoothly enters her wet folds.

Daisy arches her back and buries her face into the pillow when I probe at one part inside of her. Her muffled moan against the pillow sounds so adorable, and it makes me fill with pride to know I'm making her feel good.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm s-sensitive too." I have to keep myself from humping her leg like a dog, her voice sounded so sexy. Watching Daisy come undone because what I'm touching is super sensitive has me wanting to do more.

I kiss her stomach. "Don't apologize for any of it." I kiss the valley between her breasts and speed up the movements of my fingers. "I think you look and feel really sexy."

I guess I pressed a certain nerve inside of her at that moment because she then arches her back and moans so loud my ears are ringing. Not ringing in a bad way, but ringing because I want to hear that sound on repeat for hours.

Seeing Daisy like this because of me gives me the confidence to take one of her rounded nipples in my mouth. I suck on the bud and hear Daisy moan again in return. She's ripping at my shoulders now, but I'm too focused on the feel of Daisy on my fingers, and her nipple in my mouth to notice she's trying to get my attention.

"N-Namjoon... Namjoon, please look at me." At her words, I detach from her nipple and look up at her tear-filled eyes. "Take this off, please. It's not fair that I'm the only one naked."

Daisy paws at my shirt, and I chuckle at the desperation in her voice. With one swift movement, I strip myself of my shirt. Daisy's blush is as deep as mine while she obviously ogles at my chest and abs. My abs aren't that deeply defined, but Daisy still presses her hand into the muscle and bites her lip when she likes what she feels.

"My turn," Was the only warning I got before Daisy flipped us over. I'm now on my back, and Daisy is startling my thighs. Our cores aren't touching anymore, but instead of holding herself on my chest, she decides to rub her palms across my crotch.

I bite my lip and hiss. Not wanting to make any embarrassing noises from just a simple rub like that. Daisy sees right through me, though. She quickly unbuckles and removes my pants and then my underwear, making my dick bounce onto my stomach when it's finally freed. Daisy licks her lips when she sees me, and I try my best to stop the blush that's wanting to spread to the rest of my skin.

I think she's about to do a million things, and I'm completely okay with any of the scenarios.

Will she put me in her mouth? I've always wondered how those pretty lips would look surrounding me. What about touching it with her hand? Those manicured fingers wrapping around me have been in many of my fantasies before.

Instead, she does neither. She moves so she's now on her knees above me, then gently picks up my member, and aims it at her core. Maybe she wants to get right to the main event, I think. But I'm wrong again. Daisy gently rubs her very wet core onto the tip of my dick, and we both let out uncontrollable moans from the contact.

She feels... perfect. I knew when I only touched her with my fingers that she would feel amazing, but this is fucking ecstasy at its peak. Daisy moves the tip of my dick back and forth between her folds, and I watch wide-eyed as it happens.

I pull at my hair and squeeze my eyes shut because just the sight is making me close to cumming all over again. I take some deep breaths and try to distract myself from the feeling of Daisy's wet pussy rubbing against me, but I repeatedly lose that battle as I watch my tip get closer and closer to entering her.

"God - fuck - Daisy... At this rate your going to have me cumming again!"

Daisy laughs, but it's muffled by another moan out of her when my dick rubs against her clit. She then presses the tip of me right at the center of her core, I watch her take a deep breath, then she slowly sits down until she bottoms out. Making all the nerves in my dick very aware of how good this feels.

I know I look ridiculous, but it feels so good to be inside of her that I'm squeezing the sheets in my hands, I have my head thrown back, and my mouth wide open. Not a sound is coming out of me, but it's because Daisy is taking up all my senses. Not even the mechanism of sound is able to work because of how Daisy feels.

When I - somehow - gain my composure again, I look at Daisy and see she's waiting for me. Waiting for me to give her the go-ahead. It should be me asking her this, but I nod my head regardless.

I watch Daisy slowly pull herself out of me, pause, and then slowly sit back down. I have to hold onto her hips to ground myself when she sits back down. I understand she's going slow so I don't cum right away, but I kinda feel bad that she's most likely feeling no pleasure from this. Although her breathing is going faster each time she sits back down on me, I want to hear her moaning my name like she did when I was fingering her.

So, when Daisy bottoms out, I flip her around back onto her back. I take both of her hands in mine and pin them to the mattress at the side of her head. I then thrust into her fast and deep, hearing the exact reaction from her I wanted.

"Namjoon!" Daisy moans with her eyes closed. I bite my lip and start fucking into her at full speed. Enjoying both the sounds she's making from her mouth and the wetness of her pussy.

I never thought I would fall in love with a girl so perfect. Since she's so wet I'm gliding in and out of her with ease. It's like she was the perfect fit for me. I'm close to cumming, but I try squeezing my fingers in hers and focusing on making her feel good.

It's only when I feel Daisy clench around me like a vice, that I start to lose that composure. Having to slow down and focus on making deep thrusts into one spot that's making her arch her back up into me.

God, she's so beautiful when she does that. She's so beautiful regardless!

"N-Namjoon~" My name on her lips even sounds beautiful. "I'm so close a-ag... don't stop!"

Wasn't planning on it. I let go of one of her hands and scoop her head up by the back of her neck. I smash our lips together and thrust into her like it's the last thing I'll do. Going faster and faster and faster!

But this just tips me over the edge. As Daisy is practically screaming into my mouth, I cum inside of her for the first time. I didn't want to cum yet, but Daisy screaming moans, the feeling of being inside of her, and the deep kiss makes me this way. I spill inside her, and I know it's a lot because I feel some of it jump out and hit my thigh.

After a couple more deep thrusts, I pull completely out of her and collapse on the mattress. We're both sweaty and exhausted messes now. I ask right away, worried about Daisy's state, "D-did I-... did I make you cum?"

Daisy, trying to control her breathing, then turns her head to face me and smiles. "Yes, Namjoon. Twice, actually."

And that answer is music to my ears.

。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。 。・°°・°°・。

The next morning, I woke up with my head on something soft and squishy. It wasn't a pillow though, so when I reached my hand out to see what it is, and I realized it had a belly button, my eyes shot open. I slowly pick up my head to not wake the person up, and when I look down to see a topless Daisy, all the memories from last night came flooding back.

Seeing Daisy at Lee club. Daisy pole dancing. Seeing her naked for the first time. Convincing her to leave with me. Us having sex for the first time. The way she moaned my name over and over again!

Oh my god, we had sex last night! Daisy... the most perfect, and beautiful woman who's ever walked this earth... had sex with me.

Even now, looking down at her, I still can't believe it. I lay my hand on her stomach where my head was once laying, and it just proves to me that she's indeed very much there when I lay my cheek on her smooth skin. I hear Daisy make a small moaning noise, so my eyes whip to her face. I move off of her stomach quickly and lay down properly next to her. Laying my head on my hand, so I can watch her slowly wake up.

Daisy squeezes her eyes more shut and shuffles around a little as she lets out a silent yawn. With a few smacks of her lips, she turns her body in my direction. Her eyes open wide when her face hits my bicep.

I now have Daisy's face laying on my arm, and my other hand is laying on the divot between her ribs and hip bone. She blinks as she turns her face to look up at me, and the cutest smile appears on her face, making me form my own smile in return.

I didn't think anything would top my list of cuteness other than puppies, but Daisy in the morning passes puppies with flying colors. She then wraps her arms around my bicep, cuddling that part of my arm, then says in the sweetest morning voice, "Good morning."

I feel like my heart could explode! Yup, I can definitely get used to her being around like this.

"Good morning, honey."

I watch Daisy blush at the pet name, something I'll be doing a lot more now because of this reaction, and I'm in the best mood because of it. But after a few blissful moments of us just cuddling each other, Daisy's smile falls.

"Oh my god, I left Lee club!" She sits up and covers her chest with the blanket. "O-oh my god. I-... I have to text M. I shouldn't have left, I-I-..."

"Daisy!" I practically shout when I realize Daisy is about to have a full-on anxiety attack over leaving Lee club. She turns to look at me, clutching the blanket to her chest like it will somehow protect her. "Relax. Come on, breath with me."

I then start taking deep breaths in and out, and Daisy mirrors me. Eventually, she calms down enough to no longer have to clutch onto the blanket as a lifeline.

"Why are you so worried about leaving there, and who's M?"

At first, I'm a little jealous of this "M" person she's so worried about, but then Daisy explains, "M is my friend. She's the other owner to Lee club, Felix's wife, and I just left her there high and dry."

"Why are you worried about Felix's wife?"

Daisy bites her lip, and she looks like she's about to tell me a deep secret. One that she's not sure she should tell me or not... but she does.

"She's the only reason I'm here. I came to this town with her because not much goes on in the town we lived in, but also because Felix is a really bad guy. Like, I mean, really bad. I came here to make sure he doesn't get all rage filled one day and kill her since no one will notice her missing here. He beats on her and... and... God, I shouldn't have left!"

Daisy puts her face in her hands, defeated.

"Hey, hey, hey now." I take Daisy's face in my hands, and because I can't help myself, I kiss her pouty lips. "If M is really your friend, she'll understand. That shit about Felix though, why doesn't she go to the police?"

Daisy just shakes her head, and I don't push further. It's not my business about what Daisy's friend does with her relationship, but it does worry me a little that Daisy works - used to work - with a guy like that. I knew he had a bad vibe to him, but now Daisy just confirmed the worst of the worst about him.

"I wasn't exactly Felix's favorite person, so he's probably glad I'm gone... I should still text her though."

"Do whatever you think is right."

Daisy then gets out of bed to grab her phone out of her purse, and I'm the lucky guy that gets to watch her strut around naked to do it. When she returns with her phone, she sees me eyeing her and grows a knowing smirk.

I watch as Daisy opens up her phone after sitting down back down on the bed, but she freezes before opening up her messages. She turns and looks at me with eyes full of wonder.

"What's wrong?" I ask her.

"If I do this, like really quit my job, will you keep your promise about getting me a job with your friend and support me until then? I don't need 24/7 care or anything like that, but it's going to be awhile until I'm back on my feet money wise."

What she just said actually brings a smile to my face. I don't think Daisy realizes how much I really love her. "I love you Daisy, and with that I'll do anything you need. You can even move in here... O-only if you want!"

Daisy starts to laugh when I have a mini freak out about asking her to move in, and then she peaks me on the lips. "Yes. I'll move in with you, Namjoon."

"R-really? You don't think it's moving to fast or anything?"

Daisy shakes her head and continues to smile that perfect smile at me. "No, Namjoon. I made up my mind last night about you." She drops her phone on the bed, startles my thighs, and then holds my face in her hands, staring deeply into my eyes as she says,

"And that is I love you too, Namjoon Kim. And I don't want to waste anymore time not being with you."

Holy shit...

I'm the luckiest guy alive!

-

-

-

Index | Ch.19

[carriagelamp]

Art of Aardman

I found myself a cheap copy of the Shaun the Sheep movie, so I was rewatching a bunch of Aardman films earlier this month and decided to hunt down some books too. For anyone that doesn’t know, Aardman is a British stop-motion studio that does fantastic work like Wallace and Gromit, Shaun the Sheep, Chicken Run, Early Man… tons of cool stuff. They’re always quirky and funny and warm-hearted. This was just a very nice art book for anyone that’s a fan of Aardman stop motion and wants to see a bit extra; it shows some cool concept art and blows up the neat details in Aardman work, especially in their intricate stuff like The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

Asterix and the Picts (Asterix and the Chariot Race, and How Obelix Fell Into The Magic Potion)

I decided to try a couple of the new Asterix comics that were done by the new team, just to see if they stand up to the old ones (that and How Obelix Fell Into The Magic Potion cause I’d never read that one before). They were pretty decent! Asterix and the Picts was my favourite of the two though I wouldn’t say either are going to contest for my favourite Asterix comic... but still! The art looks good and the stories felt like what I would expect, they made for a pleasant couple evenings of reading especially since it’s been so long since I’ve read a new Asterix comic. If you’ve never read Asterix it’s one of the biggest name French comic series in North America, as far as I know and very worth the read. It’s about a single Gaulish village that’s holding out against the invading Romans through sheer force of will, slapstick hijinks, and a magical super-strength potion brewed by their druid. Lots of fantastic visuals and cute wordplay, even in the English translations.

Bear

I found out about this bastion of Canadian literature via tumblr post that was losing its collective mind over the fact that some bizarre bear-based erotica novella somehow won the most prestigious literary prize available in Canada. Since I too found this hilarious and unspeakably bizarre I had to give it a read, obviously. And yes, the flat surface level summary is... a librarian moves out into rural Ontario and falls in love with a literal for-real not-supernatural-not-a-joke bear. And I have to say… it is actually worthy of an award, which I was not expecting given that I was there for a laugh. It has beautiful writing, and the subtextual story is pretty interesting… it kind of makes me think of The Haunting of Hill House actually in terms of themes. (Womanhood, personhood, independence, autonomy partially achieved through escaping the male gaze by claiming non-human lovers... listen if I were still in university I would right a paper comparing the two novels).

I dunno man, it’s fucking weird. Actually a well-written book, but sure is about a woman falling in love with a literal bear. Give it a read if you want something bonkers but like… high-brow bonkers.

Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites

Best book I have read in like… a while. A long while. I am not a fast reader, and I consumed 90% of this book over a weekend. It’s not at all like Terry Pratchett, but at the same time it scratched an itch for me that I haven’t had satisfied since Pratchett’s death. A very clever, hilariously funny poly romance between a disabled werewolf, an anxious vampire lord, and an incredibly powerful woman, with heaps of social satire, political commentary, and sinister undertones. The whole thing reads a bit like fanfiction and I say that in the most flattering way possible -- it is so easy to jump right in and be immediately taken over by the characters and the world and the plot, you never feel like you’re fighting to engage even though the world-building is fascinating and expansive. It welcomes you in right away, it was the book equivalent of a quilt and a hug which is something I sorely needed with all this pandemic bullshit. If you read any of the books on this list, go read that one while I sit here in pain waiting for the sequel.

Kid Paddle

I watched the cartoon of Kid Paddle as a kid and was thinking about it recently, so I decided to hunt down some of the original comics online. They’re fun and weird, with a cute art style and fantastic monsters designs. (My favourites are always about Kid either daydreaming or playing games that involve Midam’s weird warty troll creatures. It’s like a cross between Calvin and Hobbes and Foxtrot with the fun sort of quirks that I love in Belgian comics. Unfortunately, unlike Asterix, I’ve only come across these ones in French, but if you can read French it’s totally worth popping over to The Internet Archive and reading the ones they have available.

The Last Firehawk: The Golden Temple

The lastest Firehawk book. Despite being written for quite young readers, I did enjoy the early books in this series quite a bit. They’re about a young owl and squirrel who found an egg for a magical species that was believed to be extinct. With the newly hatched firehawk, the three of them head off on a mission to find an ancient firehawk magic that could save the entire forest. Very basic adventure story but a good intro to the tropes for children. Unfortunately the quality really feels like it drops with each subsequent book; this will probably be the last one I bother reading.

Lumberjanes: The Moon Is Up

I honestly think I enjoy these Lumberjanes novels even more than the comics just because it really gives time to delve into each story and examine how the camper are really thinking and feeling about everything. (Also I’m always weak for novelizations of anything.) The Moon Is Up is a book that focuses more on Jo, and takes place during the camp’s much anticipated Galaxy Wars, a competition between cabins that goes over several days. While the campers prepare for these challenges though, they also run into a strange little creature with a penchant for cheese and theft. Roanoke cabin needs to keep ahead in Galaxy Wars and somehow deal with the fearsome Moon Pirates that a closing in...

Lumberjanes v4 (Out Of Time)

One of the Lumberjanes comics, a cool, girl-focused, queer comic series. Honestly, this is just a fun series that I never got as into as I should have. My advice is honestly to skip book one because it gets better as it continues, and I’ve really been enjoying the later books now that I’ve given it another go. It follows five campers at Miss Qiunzella Thiskwin Penniquiqul Thistle Crumpet’s Camp for Hardcore Lady Types (Jo, April, Molly, Mal, and Ripley) as they handle all sorts of challenges, from friendship to crushes, camp activities to supernatural horrors, getting badges to not being brutally killed. Great if you liked the vibe of Gravity Falls but want it to be queer-er.

Mooncakes

Another queer graphic novel, but unfortunately not a very good one. It really looked appealing and I had high hopes, but the book itself really didn’t hold up… I actually couldn’t even finish it, the plot was just too… non-existent. The art is fairly mediocre once you actually look at it, especially backgrounds, and it feels very… placid. Not much conflict or excitement or even a very compelling reason to keep reading. If you just want a soft queer supernatural you may get more mileage out of it than me, but it didn’t really do it for me. There’s better queer graphic novels out there.

New Boy In Town

One of the worst books I have ever read. My girlfriend had ordered a very different book online but through a frankly stupendous error was sent this 1980s pulp romance instead. Absolutely nauseating on levels I couldn’t even begin to enumerate here. Naturally we read the whole thing out loud. Probably took us 10 times longer to finish than it warranted because I had to stop every two sentences to lose my mind. If you like bad decisions, baffling hetero courting rituals, built-in cultural Christianity without actually calling it that, and gold panning then boy howdy is this the book for you.

(seriously, you better have patience for gold-panning if you attempt this one, because I sure learn that I don’t)

Piggies

This was a picture book I enjoyed as a kid and had a reason to reread recently. Honestly it’s just very cute and simple, and the art is completely mesmerizing. Wonderful if you know a young child that would enjoy a simple goofy boardbook.

Shaun the Sheep: Tales From Mossy Bottom

Related to my Aardman fascination earlier this month. I tried reading a varieties of Shaun the Sheep books — most of which are mediocre at best — but the Tales From Mossy Bottom Farm series is genuinely good. Just chapter books, of course, but the illustrations match the series’ concept art and each story feels like it could have jumped directly out of an episode. They’re just cute and feel-good! Kinda like Footrot Flats but more for kids, and from the sheep’s perspective moreso than the dog’s.

[muffindaddystyles]

Hearth.

A/N: I dunno if I've got any desi/brown/poc readers but if you're reading this I love you so much and you (us) deserve the same validation and representation others get.

Here's a blurb as to what it feels like celebrating Eid with Harry! Enjoy!

Warning: none — just loads of fluff.

More Inspos, Masterlist, Let's Talk

The night's pretty with murky clouds and thick layer of moon's brightness as Y/N cleans her flat, from scrubbing her Persian rugs to deep cleansing her vases back from her homeland. The flame evaporating from her candles scented like springs of Kashmir, flickers from her blowing sheer curtains due to the zephyr flurring outside.

She feels content, at peace waiting for Harry who promised that he'll be at her place by 11. He always comes an hour early helping her in setting the table before the iftari, they've been doing it together since the start of ramdan until today when he texted her he's busy along with a sad smiley.

It was fun. He fasted with her once or twice and would make sure she's hydrated enough once they break it, his love for rooh-afzah (it's a drink red in color made from essence of roses and some sweet herbs) will never fail to make her giggle as he'd demand for more after gulping two glasses already.

Then showing her his tummy along with his food pregnant jokes.

Her classes are online so it gave her time to experiment some cooking. They'd make samosas together and she always had an urge to hold back her cooes as his tongue used to poke out in concentration everytime his diligent fingers folded the samosa sheets skillfully.

"Did a pretty go'job here, innit?" He'd grin raising it like a summat trophy.

The moment he used to leave her flat (ofcourse after giving a tight hug before doing so) they both missed eachother terribly, y/n doesn't like the way her home falls into an abyss without his presence.

He's like a sunshine that warms her insides up.

The whistle of kettle and several raps of knocks on her door drags her from her fond memories of them together, she slings her feet down from the coffee table rushing to open it.

"Angel."

Harry says breathlessly prolly because he climbed three flight of stairs to get to her or that he's utterly flustered.

Her eyes remain struck at the thingies piled in his arms, a box of chocolates, many brown bags and stems of freshly blood ripped roses tucked between his knuckles.

He bought all of these gifts for her.

To make her feel like home.

To be her home.

What the fuck, nobody has ever done that for her —-- she just mighty cry.

Her mouths gupples like a fish too overwhelmed to react her emotions out and he gives her a sweet smile kicking the door shut with his feet -- gestures her to wait when she almost jumps like a cub to hug him and puts everything on the sofa knowing the things inside them's too delicate.

"C'mere, baby." He grins and she doesn't waste a moment falling in his embrace. Her cheeks smashes against his taught chest and she fists the hem of his shirt smiling too hard for her own sake as he sways them with his own rosy cheek squished against her temple.

"I love you so much, thank you." She murmurs gazing up at him with glinting eyes -- arms still lopped around his waist and his chin doubles adorably as he gives her his signature bunny grin kissing the tip of her nose, "Love you too bubba ... don't want ya homesick, at alllll."

The aggressive whistle of kettle parts them away, "Cuppa cha? Then we'll unwrap these pleasanteris." She points at the paper bags.

He nods flopping onto the floor cushions beside the large oak window of the balcony where they could bathe in moonlight.

"Thank you." He quips, kissing her fingertips while slipping his fingers under the handle of mug and takes it from her as she sits infront of him. He admires her for a second —- fawning over how she's looking so soft and cuddle-able wearing a baggy mauve kurta and some mismatched shalwar.

The tearing open of the stuffing tissue brings him back to focus --- this, he wanted to see this happiness dance over her features as she clutches the ethnic traditional dress he bought for her infront of her and when lifts it down he's met by overly excited eyes.

It's ethereal with golden details, handmade wire work and sheer fabric.

"It's gorgeous, pups." She squeezes his hand and he takes the sip of his cha smiling against the rim of the mug shyly, "Wasn't s' sure -- Sarah helped me in collecting stuff." Sarah's Y/N's bestfriend who was the only desi/brown in her filming class.

"No wonder she was being a lil sneak." Y/N chuckles already rummaging for what comes next.

He wanted to make sure he gets her everything they do traditionally in her culture and ate Sara's ears off to help him buy the most special thing and it's right there creating sweet noise when they touch eachother, dangling from her fingers.

"Churiyan .... " She whispers bitting down a smile. She loves glass bangles. Their colourfulness cheers her mood up and she'd always go with her Nani a night prior eid to select the most flamboyant pair of them from a bazar (market).

"This -— " She gestures to the gifts scattered around them, " —-- all of this and you, means alot to me." She sighs giving him a wet smile and he smoothes his thumb against her cheek like she's the most fragile thing to exist.

He watches her in a tad confusion when she stands up with a giggly squeal putting everything away and comes back with a tube of henna in her hand.

"It's chand raat t'night 'cos tommorrow is eid -- usually I spend it with Sarah and we apply henna to eachother, we're horrible at it honestly but now she isn't here 'm gonna bite yours ears —-" He cuts her off. Ushering her to sit back on her spot. He couldn't be more glad to spend all of his time with her whether it's just watching her make designs on her hand with henna.

"Your cha's waftin'." He shakes his head bringing it to her lips, "It's hot." She tells him drawing a circle on her palm and filling it with beautiful darkness of henna.

"Okie then ... " He blows at the hot beverage to cool it down and again brings it to her lips, "Now." He croons softly to her. She holds his wrist taking a sip from it -- he tucks the strand of her hair back and she smiles up at him making him chuckle when she takes a huge sigh as if her soul just woke up.

"What do we d'tommorrow?" He asks. Knowing most of the time they went to Zayn's house on Eids his mother used to fill the whole table with delicious dishes and the whole day was spent having fun.

"We do nothing but have loads of nice time -- I already made a dessert 'cos I know I'll be too lazy in the mornin', and invited your friends if that's okay?" She glances up at him done with her left palm.

"Perfect then," He nods, "D'ya need help with the other one?" He asks grabbing her right hand and the tube of henna from her.

"Yes, please." She shows him her hand covered with with henna and since it's wet she could do one thing wait or let him do it. The second options sounds more good.

"Not on me if it gets messed up." He warns her nonchalantly following the same pattern of her left hand. Stealing glances of her attractive face every now and then, dotting her moles with his intense gaze, he just thinks her brown eyes look more intricate – it's specks as if the forests soil on the first rains when they dilate with her racing heartbeat.

They're like an open book to him and at the same time mysteriously dark that he feels like burning a match to melt in them.

"You did it way better than me," She snorts examining it closely and turns the other way round to lay down on the carpeted floor and rest her head in his lap. He wipes his own hands watching the dark henna leaving a swipe of color on his fingertips.

He pets her hair, dimples milking into his cheeks when she raises her both hands infront of him -- blocking the moonlight that's falling on her, "When I was small I always used to end up getting it on my face and lemme tell ya. Having a yellow blotch isn't even a tiny bit fascinating on the only day you could dress up fancy."

His chest rumbles with giggles and he brings her hands closer to her lips blowing raspberries at them to get them dry early.

Comfortable silence envelopes them in to the point where they could hear crickets singing outside and moonlight sparkling on their skin —- she breaks it cuddling up into his chest.

"I really appreciate this, Harry." Her voice hushed whisper and her cherry stained lips couldn't resist but to patch kisses where his heart lays and she could sense it kicking a pace, "The fact that you did so much just for me -- is beyond my thought. I really feel like home." He let her speak. Squeezing her shoulders to convey the fierceness of his emotions he holds for her. His silken lips pressed to her temple and his eyelids flutters with each spurt of breath she inhales.

"I'll keep making you feel like home, till the day you'll allow me." Today. He for actually felt that his home was never a building or the luxurious furniture adorned inside it, but her. It's always gonna be her.

Because the moment he gets lost in those eyes all he come across is their shared laughter, their moments spent on this balcony right outside sipping onto their chas and watching the city wake up infront of their eyes, going to places he has never been to before, doing things he never thought he'd do in hundered years —- he isn't a big fan of spices but he still pretends like a big boi infront of her while eating pani puri she's oh so obsessed with.

The times she was never embarrassed to introduce him to her community or her friends, and getting soaked into rains even though they could've just used his car, having days planned to make him try new desi dishes, going to buy candles of many scent and shapes with him but then never feeling like leaving the store until he warns her that he'll throw her on his shoulder infront of everyone.

Going to Turkish markets together. He's a bread lover and so all this time he doesn't feel like leaving the shops filled with different kiln and tandoori breads. Eating Simit and drinking black tea in the amardu cups sitting outside the cafe –- he likes it with cheese while she might sound bland she just likes a bit of butter.

Them deciding for hours and hours which Persian rug to buy -- but never buying it apologising to the shop keeper.

Giving eachother head massages from the organic rosemary Morrocon oil that one of her friend gifted her, (Y/N) thinks she's one hell of a masseuse but Harry thinks otherwise —- though he would never ever break her heart so it's better keeping it a secret.

His nose creates a purring sound while he sleeps leaning against the wall, he doesn't even remember when he fell into the deep slumber with his large hand still wrapped around her wrist in a protective manner to keep her from moving.

It's cute.

Though when she stirs to regain consciousness with the birds chirping outside she feels remorseful finding him sleeping in such an uncomfy position just because of her and he wakes up with a loud wheeze —- blinking rapidly to see what just happened only to visibly relax back when she shushes him gently.

"Baby .... shit." He grogs out, knuckling at his eyes pointing at her jaw which's covered into a orangish streak, "Don't tell me." She groans bumping her head against his bicep.

A moment later they burst into fits of hoarse giggles and chuckles. She'd try to suck in air to not to snort and would do it nonetheless driving them more into belly aching laughter.

"Eid Mubarak, I guess?" He cackles loudly. Dimple coveting in to his velvet of skin. Rubs the tip of his nose against her's affectionately and swoons her in his arms to hug her warmly.

"Now -— go 'n dress up, c'mon." He cups the nape of her neck playing with the baby hair there and she whines smushing her face against his chest, "No. Lemme sleep some more."

"Heyyy none of that, c'mon sleepy girl you'll regret it later." He boops her nose smiling down at her fondly and she grumbles mumbling something in between you're so annoying or you're being so much like my mum.

He waits for her laying on the sofa with his arms folded and eyes closed. Prolly took a mini version of nap only to perk his head up grabbing the back of sofa when she returns with wet hair, soft clean face and lips tinted cherry wearing the dress and bangles he bought for her.

An enchantress from head to toe, he wouldn't even complain if she bewitches him.

He needs someone to pinch his bum because he thinks his eyelids might have struck. He takes a dramatic breather mischievously, pupils dilated cutesly and heart shaped lips parted with the sweet loving words in praise of her beauty burning at the tip of his tongue.

His fawning gives her butterflies. Expanding her chest with warmth and she does a three-sixty when he spindles his nimble in the air demanding her to show herself from every angle.

Her head falls back. An echo of happy giggles resonating in the room when he smacks his hand against his chest and flops into heaps of sofa cushions.

"You're fuckin' beautiful, a total knockout." He walks towards her with his hands spread open and takes her's to kiss the inside of her palms, "So are you." Her voice small with shyness. He sits on her on sofa and stays beside her with his chin perched upon his knuckles staring at her like she hung the moon -- as if she's a prayer come true.

"Did you get me ready to d'nothing?" She turns towards him. The curled up fringes kissing the apples of her cheeks same as his fingertips are dying to do so.

"I might sound selfish but it was a trap to get you ready early so I could admire you till everyone squeeze between us ... " He smirks and she huffs sinking deeper into the sofa throwing her limbs in air and his breath hitches when her bangles clanks together producing a beautiful noise.

"Harry!!" She whines.

"Okie, time to fill some grumpy kitten's tummy." He announces standing up to head to kitchen and she shakes her head with a silly smile trailing behind him.

All she knows is that. This Eid she'll have the best time of her life, as she could already feel his energy and love radiating in every corner of her home.

.

@harryforvogue idk why but everytime I'd sit to write this blurb you'd pop in my mind, hope so you're not hiccuping wildly.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Audrey Roget

Audrey Roget has 10 fics at Gossamer, with some different ones at AO3, fanfiction.net, and her website. You might know her from her very good fics or as part of Musea, a collective that all wrote fic and posted X-Files fic recs. I’ve recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Three Times Dana Scully Didn’t Go to San Diego for Christmas and The Shirt. Big thanks to Audrey for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)? A little, yes. Not so much by folks who were around in those days. I sometimes go hunting for beloved stories from the early years, both those I read and loved, and those I never got around to. I am always delighted to hear that later generations of fans have stumbled across my stuff, especially since I haven’t posted anything new in a number of years. It’s fantastic that both years-long fans and new ones are out there continuing to rec fic from all eras, and to maintain archives for fans yet-to-be born. What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it? What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? It may sound corny, but the main thing I think of, and the thing that has ultimately been most valuable and lasting, has been the friendships. The feeling of having found a tribe – not just of TXF fans, but of other people who could be as enthusiastically engaged as I was (if not more so) with fictional stories and characters – was mind-blowing. Since I was a kid, I had often mulled over the books/movies/TV I loved and speculated internally about what happened off the page or off-screen, or created new stories for characters in my head. But, except for an elementary school phase where I and my two BFFs regularly played Charlie’s Angels, I hadn’t engaged in that kind of gleeful immersion in a fictional world with others until TXF fandom. My involvement in fandom followed pretty quickly from getting hooked on the show, so for me, it’s all one big ball of experiences. Even as my interest in/involvement in fandom has waxed and waned over the years, I’ve been lucky to remain friends with wonderful people who I originally connected with as fellow fans.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

My initial entrée to the fandom was through fanfiction. I didn’t get interested in the show until mid-season 5. Around the same time, I read an article in a zine called Might (co-founded by Dave Eggers) about this thing called fanfiction that people would write and publish online. At first I thought it was satire or a joke – the fic cited involved Wilma Flintstone and a polished sabre tooth, as I recall – but then realized this was an actual thing. So I figured that a show then at the peak of pop culture must have fanfiction, and I went looking. Early on, I scrolled atxc on a daily basis and downloaded stories. But I didn’t engage in discussions about the show on Usenet, since I only knew how to access it with my Earthlink email client, and I didn’t want to post using my real name.

Later, I set up a pseud address with Yahoo and subscribed to a couple of email fanfic/discussion lists, and stayed subscribed to those for years. There was also a period in there somewhere – of maybe only a year or so, when I think about it – when I’d often nerd out into the wee hours with other fans via IM chat groups. That was around the time the small writers’ collective Musea was founded, and we were active for several years after the show’s initial run. In the early aughts, I followed many authors to LiveJournal and eventually set up my own account and stayed involved in fandom that way, until it mostly dispersed as well. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? In a word: Chemistry. I had casually watched a couple of episodes during the first four seasons, but I’m not a huge sci-fi/horror fan at heart, and the story lines didn’t immediately grab me. But I happened to tune into The Red and the Black in 1998, and BOOM. For the first time, the intense layers of emotion and attraction between Mulder and Scully really struck me – and then of course, upon further viewing, I realized it was unmissable, an essential element in the fabric of the show. As a wise woman once said, a switch had been flicked. Mulder and Scully’s magnetism was like nothing I’d ever seen, and though I eventually came to appreciate the storytelling, humor, production values, and other components that made the series so successful, watching those characters interact has always been what kept me coming back. Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files? I was part of a list-serv discussion group for The West Wing for a while, which was a fun melding of character and plot analysis with political discussion. Later, I got into the House, MD fandom, again mostly as a fanfic reader/writer. I was finding that other fandoms, unlike TXF, were more dispersed, the networks of people structured more loosely, if at all. There were fanfic and discussion communities on LiveJournal, and fanfiction.net was the other main hub for posting and reading, but if there was anything centralized like Gossamer, Ephemeral, or the Haven, I never found it. Within all those fan communities, as in TXF, there were partisans for various characters and pairings, and flame wars erupted over plot developments that outraged this faction or that. One main difference was that those other shows had larger, ensemble casts and more varied subplots. So on one hand, there was more opportunity to explore back stories and multiple perspectives. In House MD in particular, there were several entrenched rival shipper camps, which were about equally grounded in canon, rather than TXF’s central ship. I was less into TWW fic, but my impression was that readers were less militant about their pairing preferences than TXF or House fans. Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I was deeply fascinated by Greg House for several years. (And the love-hate chemistry between him and Lisa Cuddy was a strong draw for me.) House MD came early in a wave of TV shows centered on anti-heroes, and Hugh Laurie brought amazing complexity and thoughtfulness to the character.

Philip and Elizabeth Jennings (The Americans) are a lethal pair of antiheroes. The inherent moral conflict of a sympathetic narrative from their POVs, and the global political conflict they embody was TV catnip for me. The internal struggles at the hearts of those characters were so exquisitely written and performed, they completely fascinate me.

The West Wing felt so much like a show created specifically for me. I’m especially fond of story arcs and scenes that centered on CJ Cregg, Charlie Young, and Josh Lyman. Though I loved Martin Sheen’s human portrayal of Jed Bartlet, the fact that he was the President always made him a little untouchable in my mind. But CJ, Charlie, and Josh were basically hard-working functionaries who were ambitious and idealistic and funny and flawed, and they spoke to me. What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I do continue to think about Mulder and Scully and watch episodes somewhat often. I’ll sometimes run a favorite episode as background when I want something comforting on. I read TXF fic pretty regularly, which can inspire me to go back and watch a particular episode or story arc I haven’t thought about in years. Just recently, I started listening to The X-Files Diaries podcast (@XFDPodcast, @admiralty-xfd), and that’s a fun dive into the characters, and how other fans react to and interpret episodes.

Every once in a while, a TV show or movie – and more particularly, the characters – will grab my attention and make me curious about how fanfic writers have interpreted the original material. Random example, I saw Singin’ in the Rain for the first time in a theatre a couple of years ago, and the chemistry of the three leads sent me to AO3 as soon as I got home. I also loved the first season of Mercy Street and found some well-done stories in that fandom. I usually peruse the Yuletide gifts every year and have been amazed by the sheer variety, creativity and cheekiness of the output. There are a bunch of other shows I’ve followed faithfully, and sought out fanfic – Broadchurch, The Killing, Agents of SHIELD, Elementary, The Good Wife. Although I’ve found some well-written stuff in those fandoms, I’ve rarely gotten the same charge from them as reading TXF fic. Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

syntax6 (@syntax6) – Universal Invariants/Laws of Motion. I’d also shout out to syn’s Hunter fics, too – well worth reading even for those who have never seen or particularly loved the show itself.

JET – I re-read Small Lives Awake every year around Thanksgiving time. Other annual holiday re-reads: Revely’s The Dreaming Sea and Jordan’s Through the Fire (both set at Halloween).

Amal Nahurriyeh’s Casey universe – the rare post-col fic that felt hopeful, made extra intriguing by a kick-ass original character. [Lilydale note: the series starts with Machines of Freedom and has lots of additional fics and snippets.]

Prufrock’s Love – Finding Rokovoko was genuinely terrifying and tender.

melforbes (@melforbes) – Seaglass Blue is a recent favorite, lyrical and bittersweet.

These are just a few (apologies to those that didn’t come to mind immediately). Fortunately for readers, there’s an astonishing number of authors who have written in TXF fandom whom you can depend on for a good yarn, insightful character study, and/or ingenious “fixes” where 1013 went awry.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Probably the two set in my own (former) backyard of Southern California: Enivrez-vous and Ravenous. I’d first read the Baudelaire poem that was the source of the former’s title back in university days, so I was tickled to be able to use a few lines as an epigraph. Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online? It’s not out of the realm possibility. I’d meant for “Three Times Dana Scully Didn’t Go to San Diego for Christmas” to be followed up with “And One Time She Did.” In fact, the idea for that never-finished story was what inspired “Three Times” in the first place. I have a couple of scenes sketched out and – unusually for me – even know exactly how to end it. Every year, November rolls around, and I think I should finish and post it…maybe in 2021?

Where do you get ideas for stories? Sometimes it’s from my environment. “Enivrez-vous” and “Ravenous” describe places that I’m fond of, that made me want to place Mulder and Scully there. “What Not to Wear” has that element too – I set it in Memphis as a tribute to a great trip there with a sister Musean. But WNTW was also inspired by a kink challenge in a years-ago LiveJournal thread, so sometimes ideas come from fandom discussions or even other fanfics. In the House MD fandom, a fic by another writer made me want to continue the story, and the author kindly allowed an authorized sequel. What's the story behind your pen name? I wanted my pseudonym to sound like it could be a real person’s name – or at least, maybe like a romance writer’s pen name – rather than an online handle. I also wanted to use a slightly obscure fictional character, to amuse anyone in the know. I had long had a bit of an obsession with Whit Stillman’s 1990s film trilogy, which started with Metropolitan; the 3rd installment, Last Days of Disco, came out the same year I started down the TXF rabbit hole: 1998. The central heroine of Metropolitan – who is mentioned in or makes a cameo in the other two – is Audrey Rouget, a lover of Austen and, eventually, a book editor. I altered the spelling of the last name as a nod to every writer’s companion, Roget’s Thesaurus. Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? I have a few close friends – from outside TXF fandom – who know that I’ve written fanfic. I don’t know if they know my pseud; if they do, or if they’ve ready any of the fic, they haven’t said so to me. They are fannish sorts themselves, but not really TXF fans. A smattering of other friends and family members know or could intuit that I’ve been a fangrl on some level for years. My boss, whom I’ve known for about 3 years, recently mentioned off-handedly that she was really obsessed with TXF “back in the day,” and I am DYING to know if she got involved in fandom, but don’t think I’ll ever work up the courage to ask.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now? Most of the X-Files stuff continues to be generously and steadfastly archived by Forte at The Basement Office. The House MD stories and some TXF things are at fanfiction.net; same for AO3. If ever post anything new, it will probably go to TBO and AO3. I really ought to get it all together in one place, one of these days…

(Posted by Lilydale on April 6, 2021)

[gunterfan1992]

Interview with Half Shy (the songwriter of “Monster”)

For the last few months, I’ve been collecting information for a second edition of Exploring the Land of Ooo that will also cover the production of Distant Lands. This means that I’ve started to look into the new songs that we have been graced with this year, and this of course includes “Monster,” the beautiful track from the masterpiece that is “Obsidian”. And so I reached out to the song’s writer, Half Shy, who was kind enough to chat with me via email about the songwriting process!

(Photo courtesy of Half Shy)

In many ways, Half Shy is living the creative Adventure Time fan’s dream: She got asked by Adam Muto himself to write a song for “Obsidian” after he heard her music through Bandcamp! (I’ve dabbled in fan music before, and the fact that someone from the show might listen to it just blows my mind.) What an opportunity; I am so excited for her!

Since a second edition of my book won’t be coming out until after all the Distant Lands episodes air, I thought it would be best to share my Half Shy interview now. Read on for the fascinating behind the scenes story of how Half Shy and “Monster” came to be..

GunterFan: What is your origin story? How did you get involved in music, and how did the Half Shy project come to be?

Half Shy: I’ve been making music pretty quietly since I was in high school with a keyboard and guitar. I played one or two shows a year after college when I could find a friend or my brother to get up on stage with me, but I don’t really have that performer gene in me naturally. I get too much in my head and forget what the lyrics are to the song I wrote, or what the next chord is. Total brain freeze. So that whole experience is a bit of a mental drain. It’s something I think I’d like to dig into and figure out, but right now I’m really enjoying the time writing.

Even playing a song for my friends I still get pretty nervous. That’s where the name Half Shy comes from. I’ve always been interested in making things that by their nature draw a bit of a spotlight, but at the same time, I am just really quite nervous about the attention.

I recorded my first songs under my old name Hey V Kay in my bedroom and started putting them up online one at a time. When I got enough I thought about packaging it up into an album, but then got really distracted by learning how to fix up motorcycles and going to automotive tech school. When I eventually got back around to it I named the album Gut Wrenching.

After a few years I realized that I didn’t want the day-in-day-out life of a mechanic, I just wanted to know how to fix cars for myself and to have that knowledge in my back pocket. I got back into making music but grew frustrated at the process of writing and recording songs. I felt like I wasn’t able to capture the ideas I had in my head. Like trying to draw on your computer with a mouse. Doable, but it’s not going to come out like you’d hoped.

So these last couple of years I’ve focused more on learning the technical aspect of it, from the initial ideas and lyrics, to the recording and mixing. During that process I put out Bedroom Visionaries, and while writing I happened upon the name Half Shy in an old Thesaurus which felt instantly right. Learning all of that has been fun, I even went as far as to create my own book to solidify a daily writing routine (lyricworkbook.com). All that has been a bit of a tangent from actually making much music though. I should be getting my books in December from the press so I’m really looking forward to getting back into making more music instead of dealing with printing presses, setting up websites, and sourcing ribbon suppliers.

GF: What is the story behind "Monster"? How did the show get in contact with you?

HS: I keep a log of “Song Starters” with neat things I’ve heard in the world, and I would look through it every now and then and notice just how many came from Adventure Time. Eventually I thought well, I have to make a song about this show that just keeps breaking my heart. It was around the time I was nearly done with the first [Adventure Time-inspired] song “In My Element” that I got an email from Bandcamp saying “someone bought your album (Bedroom Visionaries).”

I get maybe one or two of these a month at most so I love to go in and say hi to the person and say thanks, be curious about who they are, [and] what they’re all about. Turns out it was Adam Muto, the executive producer of the show. (I asked and he has no idea how he happened upon my stuff. He guessed that I must have tagged something #adventuretime and he just happened to see it.) So I sent him an email saying, “Hey wow thanks for checking out my tunes. Also... holy crap you’ve made the best show I have ever seen in my life.” [I] played it real cool like. After finishing up writing my second [Adventure Time-inspired] song “Betty” I couldn’t help but fangirl real hard [and I sent him another message saying], “I’m sorry this is probably awkward, but I really love your show and I wrote these songs about it.” He was incredibly kind and shared them with his Twitter Universe, and a while after that I got a random email from him saying basically, “Hey, I’m working on this thing I can’t talk about, would you be interested?” I was like… well you know I’m pretty busy working at a sign shop so I’m gonna have to pass on this once in a lifetime opportunity (J/K. Obviously I fan-girl squealed and said yes immediately).

We chatted a bit about what the project was going to be and the direction. He mentioned there [would be] two Marceline songs in the special, [and he asked if I] would I be interested in giving the love song a try? Trying real hard to suppress my instant imposter syndrome I was like, “Yea, totally I’d be into giving that a shot!” So I read through the story and loved the idea of the dragon mirrored in Marceline, thinking through how they’ve both built up a protective shell, how she grew tough for a reason, but now she can open up and be vulnerable with PB.

From there I wrote the initial demo with the first two verses mostly intact and we went back and forth a few times editing it down into the final version. I recorded the final parts for the show in my little home studio in Seattle.

GS: When you were writing the song, what emotions, thoughts, or ideas were you channeling? Was there any sort of memory of event that you were trying to artistically "catch" or "recreate" with the lyrics or music?

HS: As far as channeling an emotion, generally I’d say just the experience of existing as a human. It can be so hard to open up and be vulnerable. I can remember that feeling even as a young kid—getting really excited about something and having someone completely trash it or look at you like, “Why are you so interested in that? It’s dumb.” [It causes us to grow] a little more weary to share ourselves because we know that hurt and embarrassment. The pain of being misunderstood is something I think a lot of us can relate to. Then having to decide whether to keep sharing those vulnerable parts of yourself or think, “They’re just not going to get it, I’m going to get hurt, so why bother?” and then stop putting yourself out there. You lose a lot with that thick armor though. You might feel protected, but you’re not feeling a whole lot of anything else other than the weight and chafing of it (I had a whole lot of armor-related metaphors that I didn't end up using.).

I struggle with this in songwriting too. I’m not the bolt-of-lightning type. There are pages and pages of cliches, total garbage, bad jokes, and cheesy lines that I have to get through in order to get to something that I am excited to put out there into the world: “Here I did this thing, I know it’s a little (this or that), but I made it... What do you think?” It’s hard to open yourself up to hearing the other end of that question.

I filled about 5 little pocket notebooks just thinking through the story, ideas, and trying to get this song right. I wanted it to feel familiar and honor the past songs of the show ([e.g.,] using the ukulele and referencing a few of the familiar chords from “I’m Just Your Problem”) but also be pretty open and vulnerable and different for [Marceline]. [I wanted to] show that she’s going through some tough emotions but also figuring herself out and growing.

GF: I feel like “Monster” is, at its core, an ode to the “Bubbline” ship. How do you feel about your song being intimately connected to one of the most famous LGBTQ+ relationships in animation? Do you have any general thoughts on Marcy and PB, Bubbline, etc.?

HS: Oh, I’m a total fan girl of Bubbline. The whole story of how Rebecca Sugar and Muto slowly morphed it into this deeper relationship is just great. As a part of the LGBTQ community myself it really means so much to see the representation of characters like yourself portrayed in an intelligent way. Growing up I was too young to fully understand what was going on but I saw Ellen getting cancelled, and [I] heard people around me saying they’d never watch her show again after she came out. That stuff sinks in as a kid and so to have these characters who are not only intelligent, but funny, complex, and unapologetically strong who also happen to be queer is really great. I love that the story here isn’t about their orientation, but that they’re people struggling with how to be open and vulnerable in a relationship.

It feels like something sci-fi and animated shows do so well—to show that ridiculousness of limiting who a person should and shouldn’t love. Marceline is a 1000+ year old half-demon/vampire and PB was born from the Mothergum of an apocalyptic radioactive world, but you’re going to get hung up on them loving each other? It sort of brings it into perspective in a really interesting way.

GF: Do you have any other thoughts about the experience that you'd like to share?

HS: Just how lucky, thankful, and honored I feel to be a part of my favorite show, writing a song for one of my favorite characters. It’s also incredibly cool how the people on the show are so willing to connect and collaborate with their fandom. Everyone [on the production crew] was very open and a real joy to work with.

I’d like to give a huge “Thank you!” to Half Shy for agreeing to participate in this interview; she really was quite amiable! If you’d like to hear more of her music, check out her website and her Bandcamp. You can also follow her on Instragram here and on Twitter here. And of course, here is Half Shy’s awesome video of “Monster”.

[ixalit]

Do you have any queer book recs? Fiction, nonfiction, poetry... I’ll take anything really 😅

I do!

I’ll put my queer fiction/fantasy, nonfiction, and poetry recs below the cut. 

Fiction/Fantasy

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

One of my all-time favorite books. Ever. Seriously, I’ve read it so many times I could probably quote parts back to you. It reads like poetry with a beautiful story and happy ending. It’s about two teenage boys in El Paso, Texas who become friends and eventually more. The author himself is also gay. 

There’s also a sequel, Aristotle and Dante Dive into the Waters of the World, coming later in 2021

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

I think one of the reasons I like this book (and series) is because it reads like fanfiction. That’s probably because it... kind of is! It’s a similar universe to Harry Potter, with a magical boarding school and a “chosen one” who needs to defeat an antagonist. But there’s also a lot more narrators, funny snark, and gay makeouts.

This is part of a series. Wayward Son is the second book, and the third book, Any Way the Wind Blows, is coming in July 2021. 

Captive Prince by C.S. Pacat

Again, I think one of the reasons I love this series so much is because it reads like fanfiction. And that’s probably because it was originally posted on LiveJournal!

It’s official summary is: “Damen is the true heir to the throne, but when his half brother seizes power, Damen is captured, stripped of his identity and sent to serve the Prince of a rival nation as a pleasure slave.” But IMO it’s so much more than this. This series is fascinating and intriguing and I couldn’t put it down. 

Warnings for a shitton of unresolved sexual tension and several explicit scenes, including noncon. 

This is part of a trilogy. Here is the second book, The Prince’s Gambit, and the third is Kings Rising.

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong 

This book is a letter from a son in his late 20s to a mother who can’t read. It’s beautifully written and heartbreaking and a wonderfully brutal look at race, class, masculinity, and family.

Ocean Vuong is also a poet, and it definitely shows in his writing in the best way. 

Nonfiction

When Brooklyn Was Queer by Hugh Ryan

I bought this as a Stucky fan to help my own fic writing, but came to love it for so many other reasons too. It’s an amazingly researched look into the queer history of Brooklyn, New York spanning the 1850s through the late 1900s. It’s full of just as many funny stories as heartbreaking ones, and was riveting the whole way through (as well as giving me a much-needed education for my writing). 

This Book Is Gay and What’s The T? by Juno Dawson

I got these books when I was starting to exploring my gender and sexuality. They’re very informative and easy to read, and were a wonderful resource for my parents to learn about the lgbt+ community after I came out. Since then, I’ve used them in my sex-ed classes and recommended them to many queer teen and parent groups I’ve been asked to speak at. 

To give you a taste, some of the chapters in This Book Is Gay are “Where to Meet People Like You”, “The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex”, and “Stereotypes Are Poo.” The author herself is also trans. 

Poetry

Crush and War of The Foxes by Richard Siken ( @richardsiken-poet )

If you are gay, on tumblr, or in fandom, there’s probably a 99% chance you’ve heard of or read something by Richard Siken. Both of these books are full of impactful words and beautiful (and sometimes horrible but still beautiful) imagery. I have yet to find any other poet that comes close to his unique brand of poetry. 

Please, The Tradition, and The New Testament by Jericho Brown

Please focuses on love and violence, and has become one of my favorite books of poetry. 

The Tradition deals with how we’ve become accustomed to fear and terror in all aspects of life - bedroom, classroom, workplace, the movie theater... His poems discuss everything from mass shootings, rape, police brutality, and homophobia, and it’s a beautiful book. 

The New Testament is more about examining race, masculinity, and sexuality in the context of religion. It’s a wonderful look at life, death, rituals, good and bad, shame, and culture. 

The Anchorage and Voluntary Servitude by Mark Wunderlich

The Anchorage is a beautiful collection of poems that all seem to relate to each other in a web of repeated details and voice. It’s split into four sections and takes you on a journey when you read it altogether. 

Voluntary Servitude is largely about love, sex, betrayal, family, and heartbreak. It’s full of strong imagery and beautiful words. I would put this, Crush by Richard Siken, and Please by Jericho Brown into the same category. I absolutely love them all. 

Collected Poems by Thom Gunn

This is a big book of most of Thom Gunn’s poetry and includes his books Fighting Terms, My Sad Captains, Jack Straw’s Castle, Touch, The Man With Night Sweats, and more. It covers many subjects throughout his life and career including HIV/AIDS. He’s heavy on and more formal with meter than some other poets, so if you like that, give it a try!

Night Sky with Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong

Another from Ocean Vuong! This one is a poetry collection that looks at everything from love, romance, and family to memory, grief, and war. It’s also beautifully gentle, and I’m always left stunned by his words. 

[frogtanii]

Wind anon has a test tomorrow so she is gonna be studying for a bit—but it should be okay! (Actually, seeing and reading not only the PF updates but also all the comments from fans give me energy and motivation. It’s really good at cheering me up, so I greatly appreciate how I was able to stumble upon such a community.) Anyway, might as well get to the reaction!

First, starting off with Iwaizumi... every time I see an Iwaizumi start I get a bit anxious like “oh no, it’s him again” type of feeling. Makes me all twisty. But I was like “hm? Why’s he asking where they all are? He drove them to the venue?” So I was like “aaaaa” but softly

And YN with Suga and Akaashi! Soft boys. Very very nice. Suga mentioned reading books as a suggestion to Bokuto before didn’t he? Book crew~ also, I like that there’s a bench by the restrooms of the place. Very conveniently placed, isn’t it? Though the mention that it’s secluded is very fitting with YN needing to recharge the social battery. Some days I need to recharge my battery myself, and I just completely lose the desire to talk once it’s low. I hope YN gets lots and lots of self care days where she doesn’t have to do anything but love being herself. She deserves it.

Kuroo being with Bokuto :D! I like how he’s still sticking by even when he has no clue what they are talking about. It’s wonderful.

And Kenma :0. Same restroom as the one where YN, Akaashi, and Suga are? Because then they all went together. Cute cute cute. A group of introverts.

Sakusa and Atsumu by the snack table. That’s good, that’s good, hope that they had some good food.

Osamu talking to a kid about how he cooks his ramen! Very nice very nice, I feel like there hasn’t been enough chances to show Osamu’s desire and love for food. I mean, there was that one time Meiko got him to cook food for her even when he was tired and I’m still a bit grumpy about that, but it’s nice that he’s getting a chance to socialize to people like this.

Daichi, starting off with saying he was indisposed—my immediate reaction was to zone in and be like “Meiko” but no. It wasn’t her this time. By this point I was like “but...where is she...?” But also, Daichi is being real polite with the way he’s talking. Curious, but not bad. Just interesting to me.

And here we see Iwaizumi doing the classic “I hold the power. I demand answers” I know that he’ll have his redemption arc but I am just very...at odds with him right now and wind anon disapproves. It’s upsetting to see him actually. I can only imagine how YN feels... (oh, I’ve been thinking of what’d it be like to take the place of Meiko. Not right now because that’s asking for wind anon to wake up to animosity and chaos—scary. But like, if wind anon was from the start... platonic cuddling with YN and no drama...)

But Daichi taking care of the wardrobe malfunction. That’s a cool choice. Though I suppose it makes sense. He’s the steady type. Less impulsive and emotion driven compared to Iwaizumi, but still able to get there. Though, considering the amount of stress Iwaizumi has been under, was it really not a thing to ask for help from one of the members, or to request another person from management? There’s...13 members altogether, so 12 people he’s trying to manage right now. I don’t think there would be much loss having 2 managers to care for 6 main members at a time. Might be more efficient, and they could always try a rotational schedule and collaborate if they want more full house content.

I like how Iwaizumi asked “who and where” and when Daichi replied with only The Who, everyone still moved on. Just shows how frazzled and frantic Iwaizumi is under that calm facade.

Iwaizumi commanding them to leave :0! I was really puzzled at this point. Like the rest of the members, I didn’t understand why he was so adamant considering he had made them go to the event to network. And him forgetting Oikawa...

But moving down to the part where Iwaizumi blows up and tells them to get in the limo (because wind anon doesn’t want her reaction to drag too long), it’s very much like Iwaizumi. First there is the message about “there will be another event where you get to pretend you’re relevant for a couple of hours” oh, wind anon is focusing on that line. Obviously, the fact that they are all preoccupied right now is not a concern to him—but this was very emotionally charged and blunt—he didn’t have the patience to frame his thoughts to something prettier and more logical—this is truly what he thinks. “There will be another event” shows that he believes that there definitely will be one—he’s not trying to cover his words so the fact he mentioned there’s another event means it’s not trying to placate them in a sense. I mean, if he’s trying to placate them, rage is not the way to go about it anyway so it would have been a fail even without this, but he specified the event when he could’ve not said a thing about a future event so, yeah. “Where you get to pretend to be relevant for a few hours” oh my gosh. How to go about analyzing this portion? The content, the emotion, the execution, it’s all so...vivid. (10/10 job as always fr0ggy) the fact that he says pretend to be relevant shows how he views the house. Obviously they like the content they create. They care about the content they create. And sure they may not all be big, but relevant? They’re definitely relevant in your career choice Iwaizumi. They got nominated for an award and it’s not as if they were around for a super long time. It’s impressive. You’ll get attention and more of a fan base. Their relevance will definitely grow. The words by themselves are an attack of sorts to the members, showing his belief that they are shallow and fake and trying to get famous and seem big. Makes him seem like he has an inferiority complex of sorts, the way he’s acting. Take everything I say with a grain of salt though. I’m not a doctor.

Okay, next. We have Daichi, who is more reliable and asks for logic! Thank the lords of the PF universe, I literally wouldn’t be able to take too much emotional charge. And then Meiko’s name pops up. The last time I was writing an ask, I was redesigning Meiko’s entire look, and purely the look. I wasn’t doing a character analysis and I didn’t put anything besides my opinions on a better dress but I saw this and the complete blankness my mind went was astonishing.

“She’s a grown woman Tsumu. I left her alone for a few hours, she can handle that.” Y’know, for a cook, he really didn’t realize that was a recipe for disaster. (B-dum tsss. I do like puns) but she’s been shown to not be able to take care of herself and also have a bad personality on top of that so it really was an explosion in the making. I’m the spectrum of not taking care of myself (skipping meals to do schoolwork...skipping meals to sleep...yeah, no) but I think my personality is decent. But Meiko? I actually thought she might be decent with networking. I mean, she picks up guys quite easily doesn’t she? So I was fascinated with what she could’ve possibly done.

Liquor :0 !! I was never interested in drinking liquor that much (though they are pretty a lot of the times...the colors and bottles and glasses are really nice art subjects). Seeing Meiko makes me want to avoid alcohol even more. She started drinking...gosh, she is...a hot mess. Not even kids would be as bad...

Her being “plastered”? Considering that one time where she started drinking a ton before going to a club and...forcing herself on Suga, and how she managed to leave the bathroom completely composed and such, I was mesmerized at the fact she actually managed to drink enough to get completely wasted. And champagne? She must’ve just stuck around and made a whole group of glasses where she was. Also, she didn’t try to get any guys? Wow. Wind anon is staring at her like she’s a particularly weird specimen. She is so...baffling. Confusing.

She insulted and slapped someone :0!!!!!! The amount of exclamation marks show how intense my reaction is. Violent, violent, and such an idiot Meiko is. I hope management steps in. I can’t stand looking at her. But I mean...once she wakes up, like the morning after, would anyone be willing to look and care for her? Such a mess...

I pity the people in management who would have to smooth this over. Gosh, they need a raise and a fruit basket. Like those fancy ones with the fruit cut into shapes on skewers and such. As well as a box of chocolates.

But yeah, I’ll end it here. Been a while since I have a long reaction. I’m pretty sure I got a bit of the analysis wrong and also rambled a bit too much at times, hmmm.

Okay, headcanon time... imagine YN making make up by breaking all of Meiko’s and she just names the mix “Meiko” because it’s a streaky mess. She packages it and gives it to fans for free. It would be fun :D. Only the eyeshadows and stuff though. I do not trust any thing that would directly touch Meiko...like her lipsticks. Bleh.

Sakusa, Akaashi, Suga, Tooru, and YN being eyeliner group. Just imagine Akaashi tilting your head up with the lightest fingers under your chin, while Sakusa braids your hair and folds in some dark silk flowers with pearl centers into it. YN smiling at them after she comes out, with pomegranate lip tint and a leather jacket. Be dangerous YN. Kill us all. YN supremacy <3.

YN and Atsumu would be the two to have the popsicles that you break apart.

Kenma wears red eyeliner once for a dare or a gift to fans or something and all of his fans decide to pass out.

Osamu and Bokuto doing stuff together to promote healthy living.

Okay, gonna end here. I very much appreciate all the support here. Much love towards those who favorite my asks and such too. I’m super glad you all like hearing from me. I mean, we’re all fans of PF and fr0ggy so I hope that everyone is enjoying all of this as much as I am. You all make me very very happy. Much appreciation to all the anons and ask senders and submissions because everyone is super cool.

Take care fr0ggy! Much hearts to you!

oh geez i hope ur test goes well!!!!!!! i don’t have much to say cs ur incredibly eloquent (as usual) but i rlly like the idea of bokuto n osamu promoting healthy living!!!! that rlly hits cs my family is VERY much into healthy living so that just made me happy hehe ILY I HOPE U HAVE A LOVELY DAY KITH KITH <3333

[sepublic]

Campfire, Canyon of the Golden Winged Snakes, Hey Ho Whoa!

           AMELIA IS BACK BABY!!!

           Let me tell you, when I first saw her, I had to do a double-take… Like the way the characters just so casually passed her, I blinked and was like- Wait, was what Amelia?!? And then I realized it was, and I just… WHAT!

           I was a bit afraid we wouldn’t see her, but it seems that she’s our NEW fourth companion, to replace Tuba… RIP to Tuba, you had a good funeral, and given the trajectory this season is going as of now, we… Really won’t see you again, huh?

           Screw you Simon.

           We’ve gotten SO many fascinating revelations in these three episodes… I can’t say I’m surprised at all that Amelia, or at least the revelation of her, would return to help Grace (and maybe Simon) resolve her issues! That was a very neat twist with the massive pile of numbers actually indicating it was AMELIA and her monumental issues, not the Apex! Very clever of the writing team to have us heading towards her the entire time, though it makes me wonder when we’ll get back to the Apex given how we only have TWO episodes left…!

           What’s interesting is that according to Amelia, there’s ‘corrupted code’ in some cars, and apparently this refers to any cars that SHE made while trying to figure out the perfect world? Amelia mentions ‘quarantining’ them, and One-One wants them gone as well… Given what Amelia says about ‘ejecting’ cars, does that mean they’re all transported to the very end of the Infinity Train, and just… thrown off?

           Are there a bunch of cars strewn about somewhere in the wasteland, is there even an END to this Infinity Train??? Or are they all just lumped together and some sort of force-field is placed around them, or some other barrier, to keep the corrupt code from –presumably- infecting the other cars around them?

           It is a bit weird to see One-One insist on getting rid of those cars, though… I hope the denizens inside are okay, especially those corgis! Given his lesson with Tulip about not blaming himself worked, I feel like this is contrary to what he’d learned? Or is he simply allowing those worlds to exist, and remain ‘weird’, while still fixing the corrupted code so it doesn’t spread and disrupt the world of other cars who have their own thing going on? Regardless, as Amelia said… it seems One-One is still working on his issue of viewing passengers as ‘numbers’ to fix, like the cogs of a machine! It seems he’s at least TRYING to be more personable, but, well…

           It seems that Amelia is still working on that sound-motif she’s always had, which is pretty neat! She mentions a ‘pulse’, so I presume it’s sent out from the engine, and when it scans an ‘anomaly’ (AKA anything with corrupted code, including stuff and denizens from the unfinished cars) they’re ejected… Given Amelia mentioning having to quarantine Hazel soon, I imagine this pulse heads out every now and then? Shouldn’t one pulse alone have done the trick, or is there a certain range to them and Amelia has to travel through the cars and activate the pulse from her location, to allow maximum effect?

           Anyhow, Amelia! You know, I mused that Episode 7 of this season would introduce the Book 4 protagonist, given how our previous Episode 7’s worked… Each one established the general idea/setting for our protagonist, as well as a formal introduction! The Chrome Car told us about Lake and her deal with wanting to be her own person, escaping the Flecs… The Mall Car established the Apex and properly introduced us to Simon and Grace…

           So… maybe The Canyon of the Golden Winged Snakes Car re-introduces us to Amelia, while establishing the conflict of the next Book; Fixing the corrupted cars! This is just speculation on my part, of course…

           Back to Amelia, I guess I shouldn’t be all-too surprised that she’s still kind of a jerk, what with the way she just… steamrolls over what Hazel has to say to ‘correct’ her with the proper facts, and whatnot! I’m a little glad, because it doesn’t completely forget that she still has a bigger number than Simon or Grace by FAR… But also upset, because c’mon Amelia, Hazel is a freaking kid! I know you’re trying to erase multiple decades’ of past sins and mistakes, but she doesn’t know!

           I also like seeing her just trash-talk Simon and calling him a child, especially since we know that he and Grace are only eighteen thanks to the Reddit AMA by Owen Dennis… Even if Simon were physically older, mentally he really isn’t! Granted I guess I can’t blame him for THAT, though I can blame him for Tuba’s death…

           I remember when the writers discussed juggling multiple characters, so after seeing Tuba die, I was wondering what was really the point… But I see now! It’s because they ALSO have to handle Amelia as well! And dang, she’s still remarkably callous… She doesn’t remember Grace at all and doesn’t even seem remotely interested… And upon hearing that a cult was started in her honor, she just does NOT care! It really shows that Amelia still has a LOT to work on, that just fixing the broken cars isn’t enough for her…

           It was a bit weird to have our main trio just pass by this obvious, fellow passenger, and just totally ignore them… But given Grace’s rule about ‘not trusting adult passengers’, I guess I’m not surprised? I have to wonder when it was made, and how young she was when it was established; If Grace was a kid and that was part of her apprehension towards adults, and/or they were actually trying to get their numbers down, so she saw them as ‘deceitful’ or whatever! Coupled with adults being less likely to fall for the Apex’s propaganda, and it makes sense…

           What’s really fascinating is that One-One doesn’t even know about the Apex, according to Amelia! Which, given the implied length of the Infinity Train, it really says a lot about how much stuff could’ve happened, completely independent from one another! It almost seems like fate that Simon and Grace encountered so many kids and brought them together… Whereas Tulip didn’t encounter ANY passengers, sans Amelia, on her journey!

           (Well, there was that ONE dude in the next car over who immediately got sent back home. And she was only there for five months, but still!)

           I feel this low-key ties back to what I discussed earlier, about One-One being an ‘ends justifies the means’ sort of person; That the situation with the denizens is less a matter of them dying, and more about what that says about the Apex passengers as people! Of course, he doesn’t even KNOW about them, which honestly blows my mind… He really IS disconnected, huh? I guess Tulip helped make a dent in his metal head, but there’s still a lot of work to go… You know, Amelia’s criticism of One-One seeing passengers as just ‘numbers’ reminds me of what some other fans brought up, on the idea of if whether or not issues can actually be quantified like that!

           Given what Owen said about the train also being wrong sometimes, and I have to wonder if this will be resolved by the end of Book 3… or perhaps Book 4, assuming we get it! Yeah, most of the team has been laid off and the viewings are low, so SERIOUSLY- WATCH on HBO Max, spend actual money on this thing if you want it around because you’re LITERALLY paying for Book 4’s production by this point people! And spread the word!

           Anyhow, looks like other fans were right- Hazel IS a failed creation of Amelia, in this case her attempt to recreate Alrick… Although she implies that Hazel is more than just a ‘clone’ of him, is this referring to Hazel being a little girl, or something else entirely? Is the implication that Hazel would’ve been her and Alrick’s child, because uh… Amelia and Alrick are white. She also mentions a ‘handkerchief’, so what’s THAT about…?! Did she just toss one aside and it glitched into Hazel…?

           Hazel is taking this about as well as you’d expect a child, and I’m wondering if Grace suddenly turning around and calling her ‘null’, only to ask to stay overnight… Means that she has a plan to ditch Simon and hang out with Hazel and Amelia, for the rest of her life? Either way, Simon is apparently taking her ‘betrayal’ to heart… That, or he’s expressing genuine remorse at seeing what he did to Hazel, but probably not. Honestly, the way his character is going it seems like he may go off the deep end…

           OR, maybe not! Because we get some more development on him and THE CAT… Samantha! That’s right, an actual name! I guess I’m not shocked that ‘Samantha’ managed to smuggle some tiny One-Ones out of the Tape Car, and even a miniature player as well! I have to wonder how she finds her stuff, honestly… Considering how vast the Infinity Train is, it’s not out of the question for people to go entire months without encountering others! It’s actually kind of a miracle of fate that The Cat has encountered so many passengers, over and over, across this show…! Given the possibility aired by Mace about some characters being ‘destined’ by the Infinity Train, and I’ve got to wonder…

           It’s interesting that even when Simon is taking his rage out physically, he NEVER goes for The Cat… and she knows this, no less! Not once is she ever scared for her life, instead she’s more concerned for what this has to say about Simon! It’s complicated, all right, and apparently all we know for now is that The Cat accidentally left Simon behind, and ultimately stuck with her choice to prioritize herself! It’s interesting, the idea that even if Simon and The Cat have a better understanding as to why the other did what they did, they won’t ever really ‘forgive’ one another, or reconcile- Just go their separate paths, for now and likely eternity…

           Simon is of course getting mad at Grace for not talking to him and is confused by her changing her mind! A confrontation between the two is inevitable in our last two episodes, and given how we haven’t seen Grace’s number at all… It’s probably low. I can see the two reuniting with the Apex at the end, only for Simon to invoke his larger number to turn them on Grace… Or try to head back to the Apex to do exactly that!

           Still, given how the show is still making the point to delve into his perspective and trauma, and how he STILL won’t harm The Cat… I have to wonder if the season really will end with Grace leaving the Infinity Train, and Simon staying behind to fix his own issues? Of course, what about Hazel… We know she’s a denizen for sure so she can’t leave, right? Unless her fake number can fool One-One… Speaking of which, was Amelia’s number at 337 when she first arrived? Because that seems a bit small for someone who had otherwise hijacked the Infinity Train by then and was making unfinished worlds…

           Back to Amelia, if Simon doesn’t help… I wonder if Book 3 will end with HER taking lead of the Apex and leading them down a new path? It’d be ironic given how she mentioned about not being great with kids, and tie back to her penance… Or, maybe Grace will continue to live with the Apex and help! Maybe Simon will join Amelia… Who knows? Personally I’m fixated on the fact that Amelia just UTTERLY outclasses Simon… I expressed previous appreciation at Tuba being able to defend herself, until you know what…

           But given how Amelia is a lot more savvy, jaded, and cynical about this sort of situation; I think she’s probably safe for now! It’d feel a bit unresolved for Simon to get HER killed off too…

           Overall, a fascinating turn of events, and I can get a good sense of why the episodes were clustered the way they were together, to be released separately! Each does its own little arc… The first one establishing the mood and having Tuba, only for her to die! Then the next one involving Amelia and the fall-out of the Hazel revelation… And the last two episodes will be THE finale, just like it’s traditionally been in the past! I can’t wait to see what happens next…

[popculturebuffet]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1990 Review: Still Possesses Turtle Power After All These Years

Cowabunga all you happy people! I freaking love the Teenage Ninja Turtles. I grew up with it from Turtles in Time, which was my first video game, to the 2003 cartoon, which I covered the first three episodes of last month, and on to present day as I re-read the idw comics after finally reading the original eastman and laird run of mirage, and impatiently waiting for Shredder’s Revenge to come out after a LONG drout of no good TMNT games. I”m a fan of these heroes four, their dynamic as a family, the endless possiblities that come from it’s long history and ablitlity to go anywhere in any genre, and the wonderful goofy shit that happens when you have a franchise about mutant turtles learning ninjitsu from a rat and fighting a dude covered in knife covered samurai armor. 

So with me finally covering the guys after almost a year last month and with a new movie set to debut at some point this year, I had the bright idea to revisit the FIRST TMNT movie after way too many years of not watching it. This movie is anear and dear to my heart: When I first started getting into the boys big as a kid with the 2003 cartoon, I badly wanted more turtles. But back then it wasn’t nearly as easy to glom onto some more of the sewer shock pizza kings: Streaming sites with all the cartoons on them weren’t all that accesable, dvd’s were expensive for the 87 cartoon, Mirage wasn’t reprinting the comics in any meaningful way and my local comic shop didn’t have any at all and I could only play the SNES when my brother had it set up on occasion like at our Grandma’s farm. 

As you probably guessed though there was one exception: the original 1990 movie, which I got at Walmart for 5 bucks and haven’t let go of since. It was one of my first dvds and is still one of my most precious. Said film hit the spot just right as like my beloved 2003 series, it was a mildly goofy but still fucking cool adaptation that stuck closer to the mirage comics, even more than the 2003 series would, while taking a few queues from the 87 series. This film is as precious to me as the 2003 series and a with a brand new movie coming up, I figured it was the exact right time to dig into this classic: what makes it still good to this day, what’s fun to point and laugh at, and how the heck Jim Henson got involved in this. So join me under the cut as I take a look at my boys first theatrical outing and why I still love watching a turtle. 

No One Wanted To Make This: Before we get into the film itself some background. As usual I struggled a bit, but thankfully found some help in the form of this Hollywood Reporter article.  It’s a fascinating read worth your time, providing an oral history of the film from the people who worked on it. 

The film was the baby of Gary Propper, a surfer dude and road manager for the prop comic Gallagher, aka that guy who used to smash watermelons but now has instead opted to smash what little’s left of his career by being a homophobic douchenozzle. He found an ally in Showtime producer Kim Dawson who’d produced Gallagher’s special. I don’t think there will be more of an 80′s sentence than “Gallagher’s surfer dude agent wanted to make a teenage mutant ninja turtles movie”. Propper was a huge fan of the comics, and with Dawson’s help convinced Laird and Eastman to let them option it to studios. 

It may come as a shock to you but the road agent for a homophobic watermelon man and a producer at a niche cable channel wanting to make a movie based on an underground comic book about masked turtles at a time when the two most recent comic book movies were Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Howard the Duck, did not go well. Every door in Hollywood got slammed in their face, even Fox> Even the eventual backer of the film, Golden Harvest, a hong kong action film studio, took months to convince to actually back the film. 

Things did not get easier from there: The films writer Bobby Herbeck had trouble getting a story agreed on because Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird’s working relationship had deteroiated horribly from the stress so naturally the two could not agree on a damn thing and argued with each other. Peter Laird  made a tense siutation even worse by constnatly sniping at Herbeck and feeling he was a “Hollywood outsider infringing on his vision and characters”

Granted the script was apparently not great... but Pete still comes off as a pretnetious ass who views his weird indie comic as THE HIGHEST OF HIGH CALLINGS HOW DARE YOU SOIL IT. And continued to be kind of a prick like this throughout the rest of his time with the property. 

Thankfully the film found i’ts voice, vision and director in Steve Barron. Barron was a music video guy who knew the producers and while reluctant, eventually dove into the project rightfully thinking the film would need to be a mix of the mirage comics and 87 cartoon, keeping aprils’ reporter job, the turtles lvoe of pizza and their iconic color coding from the cartoon but adapting several stories from the comics as the backbone of the film. The guys liked barron MUCH better and things ran smoother. 

Barron also brought in one of the film’s biggest selling points and it’s most valuable asset: it’s triumphantly awesome Jim Henson costumes. Barron had worked with good old Jim on the music videos for Labyrinth, and while it took some convincing since the comics were violent as hell and that wasn’t Jim’s style, Barron eventually got him on board. This naturally doubled the budget, but given Henson’s costumes STILL hold up today and look better than the cgi used in the platinum dunes films... it was a good call. And this was brand new tech for jim, having to invent tons of new ideas and mechanisms just to make the things work, and said things still were absolute hell on the actors. Jim later ended up not liking the film for being too violent... which I find hilarious given how many muppets got eaten or blowed up real good on his show but regardless, I thank this legendary and wonderful man as without him this film WOULD NOT have worked. The costumes here look great, feel realistic, and you can’t tell the actors were dubbed much less horribly suffering in those suits. Much like Disney Land. 

The film would get picked up for distribution by New Line, and despite i’ts weird as hell origins and the long shot it had.. the film was a MASSIVE hit at the box office, owing to a combination of Batman 89 the previous year having proved comic book movies can work for audiences, the cartoon’s runaway sucess, and a massive marketing campaign. The film made it’s mark. So now we know how we got here let’s get into the film itself. 

What’s the Story Morning Glory?:

So the story for this one is largely cobbled together from some of the more notable arcs Eastman and Laird did before handing off the book to others full time as the stress of the company and the mounting tension with each other made it near impossible to work together on the book itself. 

To Save time i’m just going through what hte movie takes from the comics plot wise now to save me the trouble later:The movie takes elements from the first issue (The Turtles, Splinter and Shredder’s backstories, Shredder being fully human and the main antagonist, Shredder’s design and the final rooftop showdown that results in Shredder’s death), second and third, (April’s apartment over her dad’s old store and the turtles moving in when their home is ransacked and splinter has gone missing), the rapheal micro series (A tounge in cheek way of cashing in on the Mini-Series craze of the 80s, a one shot by modern standards and something that’s tragically been underused as an idea as only TMNT and MLP have used the idea at IDW, Raph meeting casey and their fight with one another), the return of shredder arc (One of the turtles being ambushed and mobbed by the foot and then thrown though a sky light (Leo in the comic and Raph here), the turtles being horribly outnumbered by them, Casey coming ot the rescue and metting the non-raph turtles for the first time, and them being forced to escape when the place goes up in flames), their exile to northampton (April writing in a journal, casey working on a car with one of the guys and one of hte guys looking over hteir injured brother), and finally, their triumphant return which was very loosely adapted as there are no deformed shredder clones and shredder not being dead yet in this version was not brought back by a colony of super science worms. 

So as for how this all comes together: Our story takes place in New York: A crimewave is high with muggings mysterious. There are a ton of phantom thefts going around and at most people have been seeing teens responsibile. And the police.. are at about this level of useful:

The only person doing something is April O’Neil, played by Judith Hoag. Hoag is easily the standout of the film, giving us a strong, confident woman with a wonderful sense of humor. She honestly might be my faviorite April O Neil, and given we’ve had some great ones with 2003, 2012 and Rise, that’s not something I say lightly. I honestly wish I’d recognized her in more stuff as she was both on Nashville and the mom in the Halloween Town films, and most recently was on the ScFy show the magicians. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad she’s still goin. 

April is a reporter for Channel 3 like the cartoon, though for some weird reason her boss from the cartoon is replaced by Charles Pennigton, played by Jay Patterson, whose currently dealing with his troubled son Danny, played by Micheal Turney. Pennington is horribly useless at both jobs: At work he tries to ease April off calling out Chief Sterns, who refuses to listen to April’s evidence gathered from japanese immigrants that the crimes resemble similar ones in japan in favor of trying to get charles to shut her up. Danny meanwhile is a member of the foot becase his dad thinks shouting out him and talking about him like he’s not there and generally being a dipstick will actually do anything to help him. 

I love the concept for the foot here. In addition to being a Ninja Violence Gang as always, they now recruit new members by finding kids without families or with troubled family lives and giving them a sense of family with the foot, and sweeting the bargin with a giant cave filled with arcade machines, a skate ramp and general late 80′s early 90′s kids goodies. Is it rediculous? Yes. Is it also clever as it gives Shredder an easy army of plausably deniable theives that he can pick the best out of to put in his elite that will be tirelessly loyal to him and him alone? Also yes. 

So April being public about this stuff gets her attacked, which naturally leads to our heroes coming in, first in the shadows and later directly when April wont’ give up on the case and Shredder sends some ninjas to go shut her up.. which he does weirdly as the guy jsut slaps her and tells her to cut it out like he’s on a domestically abusive episode of Full House. Raph saves her, and we get the turtles origin.. though weirdly they cut it in half. We get the ooze portion but Splinter’s past with Saki, Saki’s murder of his master and his master’s partern Tang Shen is left for later in the film and the fact Shredder’s saki is treated as a big twist despite the fact the biggest audience for the film would be kids... and kids would’ve been familiar with the cartoon where the giant brain monster routinely screeches out saki at the shredder. Maybe Barron just thought he was an alcoholic I don’t know. It just would’ve made more sense to have it all at once and let the audeince put it together. 

April becomes good friends with the turtles over a night of frozen pizza and camradrie, but the Splinters return home to find it ransacked, Splinter kidnapped by the foot, and are forced to Stay with april. Charles meanwhile tries to get April to backoff because he made a deal with the police to clear Danny’s record, without TELLING her any of this mind you, but I will save my rage on that little plot point for in a bit as Danny who he drug along sees the turtles and tells the Shredder. 

So we get the return of the shredder arc as Raph goes through a window, our heroes fight valiantly, and Raph’s friend Casey who he met earlier shows up, the two having bonded as all true friends do.. by beating the shit out of each other ending with raph shouting DAMNNNNNNN really big and dramatically into the sky for some reason. The Turtles and friends escape with an injured raph from April’s burning second hand store. She had a second hand store it was poorly established and only there because she had it in the comics. 

Our heroes retreat to a farm April’s grandma owned in Northampton, Massachutes, where Mirage was located at the time the original comics where they were exiled to the place were written and a location that has been a staple of the turtles ever since. The turtles slowly recover, lick their wounds, talk about who hooked up with who on gilligans island etc, before Leo connects with Splinter via meditation, who tells them to come back. Splinter also starts to connect with Danny and convinces him to swtich sides.. or at the very least squat in the boys old home. 

The boys return home, find danny, and prepare, Danny goes back and ends up giving away the Turtles are home.. but the turtles are ready and in an awesome sequence kick the fuck out of the foot squad sent for them with some well prepared steam vents. Casey goes to get splinter since Danny told them and with Danny’s help, finds him, since Danny found out they were gonna kill him. Casey beats up Tatsu, shredder’s right hand man, and they get him out. 

We get our final fight which is awesome up until the climax.. which is splinter casually tripping shredder with nunchucks and thier bloody history being kind of rushed and unsatsifying. Casey crushes shredder with a garbage truck, April gets her job back, more on that in a moment, she and casey hook up, and we end with the fucking awesome song T-U-R-T-L-E Power by partners in cryme. Seriously check it out it’s fucking triumphant. 

The song is just good.. cheesy? Sure but that’s half the fun. It’s the gold standard for movie theme songs for them and stacks up handily with the various animated series themes.. all of which slap. Okay... ALMOST all of which slap. Fast Forwards is aggressively medicore, which is doubly suprising to me since 4kids was REALLY damn good with theme songs. It was one of the three things they were best at along with finding VERY talented voice actors and setting japan based works in america because merica dammit.  

The plot is very solid: It skilfully packed half of eastman and laird’s run on TMNT into 90 mintues while adding things like April’s job at channel 9, the way the foot recurited kids etc. The plot flows well for hte most part and apart from one annoying subplot we’ll get to never has a moment that feel unecessary or dosen’t pay off later. And the stellar plot and fun pacing of it helps boilster the characters that do work... and help paper over the ones that are so thin the’yd fall down a grate...

Our Heroes, Villains and Annoying Middle Aged Guys:

Yeahhhh character is hit and miss here. Some are rather strong, others are the bare basics for the character their adapting and most are just to serve the plot but some work some don’t,  So let’s talk about it starting with our boys:

Raph is the most fleshed out of the turtles, being the main focus of the first 2/3 of the film, and having his anger be part of what SHOULD be a character arc, learning to temper it. And while granted MOST TMNT properties do this, to the point that Rise Raph is so loveable in part because his boisterous bruiser big bro attitude is a refreshing break from the usual grumpus we get. But at the time this hadn’t been done in every version but the 87 cartoon, so exploring it was valid.. but despite saying this should be a thing htey just forget about it and the most plot relevance he gets is going thorugh a window. He dosen’t really get a resolution.. his arc just kind of stops dead for the final half and it’s one of the film’s weaker points, one I only just now noticed on this rewatch. He’s still the most entertaining. 

Leo is the weakest of the turtles. He really lacks a personality here mostly just being leader and while his spirtual side is touched on, it’s  mostly a plot device. He’s just kinda the leader because he was in the comics to the point Partners in Cryme called Raph the leader. His role in getting taken out by the foot was taken by Raph, so he just has.. nothing to do for most of the film other than gripe at raph ocasionally and say orders. He’s probably the worst Leo i’ve seen outside of Next Mutation. I prefice that because after watching Phelous’ review it’s VERY clear those four are the worst versions of the characters, and no personality is still better than either having your team do nothing or yelling at them as your personality. I chalk this up to the Mirage Leo, and the mirage turtles to a poit being kind of bland. Not TERRIBLE characters, especially for the time, but not nearly as fleshed out or individualized as they woudl be in other adpatations, and with most traits LEo DID have, like his badassery flat out gone, he’s just.. nothing here. 

Mikey and Donnie are a double act here with both sharing a brain. Interestingly instead of his normal genius character, Donnie is Mikey’s best friend and the two simply trade jokes and schtick together. The two are interchangable.. but easily the best part of the film and a lot of the most memorable gags and lines, from Ninja Kick the Damn Rabbit! to “Do you like Penicllin on your pizza”, are from them. Thier there almost entirely as comic relief but it works, with both clealry being more modled ont he 87 cartoon turtles, a move that helps lighten the mood in darker moments. Their just genuinely charming and it’s intresting to see such a diffrent version of Donnie, and other incarnations, specifically the 2003 and Rise versions, would retain the sarcastic edge. 

Splinter is splinter. That’s about it, he’s peformed well and the puppet is amazing but he gets kidnapped a half an hour in and outside of influcencing Denny, more on that in a moment, and finishing Shredder he dosen’t do much but spout exposition. He’s not bad or anything, but he’s essentially a rodent shaped plot device. He was also puppeted by Kevin CLash, aka the guy who does Elmo. So there you go. 

April on the other hand.. is truly excellent. This might be my faviorite April. Judith’s april nicely blends the cartoon and mirage versions: She has the cartoons energy and job, but the comics sheer will and casual nature. Judith just oozes personality and her April is just a joy to watch, from her breezy chemistry filled interactions with the guys to her confrntation with Chief Sterns, knowing she’ll get thrown out by the asshole. She’s confident, and even when afraid dosen’t back down to her attackers and even helps out during the sewer ambush. I mean it’s a pot on the head but still it’s neat. She’s easily the best part of the flim and the most fleshed out of the cast. The worst I can say is they kinda shove her store from the comics, Second Time Around, in there for no other reason than it was in the comics: It dosen’t come up until it’s needed for the foot’s assault on her place. But overall.. she’s just fantastic to watch. 

Speaking of fantastic to watch, Elias Koteas is fantastic as Casey. Seriously he’s only second to the 2003 version in my eyes, getting the concept of a testorone filled average guy who decided to just go out and hit people with sports equipment after watching too much A-Team.. I mean that part of it’s not in this version but it’s implied, just right. Like judith, Elias is just really funny to watch and his big scenes, showing up just in time during the foot assault on april’s place and his fight with Tatsu are some of the best parts of the film, the former taken directly from the comics. This version isn’t without problems: His friendship with Raph, his most endearing aspect and one that has been carried throughout eveyr version Casey’s important, with the only exception so far being rise and we have a movie to fix that, is absent here. HE does save the guy, but they don’t really bond or anything. In fact he disappears for about half an hour after his big fight with Raph. But... again he’s just so damn entertaining, down to his JOSEEEEEEEEEEE Conseco bats (There was a two for one sale!).

Shredder is just a LITTLE better than splinter, if only because his actor projects a true aura of menace and I feel this version had some influence on the pants crappingly terrifying 2003 version. And the idea of the foot recurting teenagers like I said is a good one: He gives them home and a cause, they give him plausably deniable backup. And his fight with the boys in the climax is really awesome... the conclusion sucks but otherwise h’es okay. Not the deepest villian, but he has enough presence to be enjoyable.

His right hand man Tatsu, whose been adapted ocasionally since this and reimaigned as Natsu in the IDW comics, a female version, is also fine. He’s your standard grimacing goon but has enough presence to work. 

So that brings us to the penningtons. Charles, april’s boss at the station and his son Danny who’s joined the foot as he feels his dad dosen’t love him. Charles..is about as interesting and likeable as a dog turd and is the worst aspect of the film. No debate there, he just sucks. He sucks so hard he’s classified as a black hole.  The film wants you to see him as a put upon wokring dad whose frustrated with his son’s increased moodiness, skipping school and crminal undertakings and just wants to help him and loves him deep down. The problem is his actor’s delivery instead of concerned.. is just pissed. He just seems pissy and upset about the whole thing and comes off like he’s only mad about Danny doing this because he’s embarassing him and not because you know, it’s bad. When confronting Danny about stealing, he dosen’t consider MAYBE he’s part of a gang or needs help, but just wonders “Why are you stealing when I give you stuff”. Because, Dipshit, sometimes kids do crimes not because they need the stuff but because they WANT to, and because they want to act the fuck out. 

The most he does for the kid is agree to try and get April to back off the police when Cheif Sterns offers to let Danny go and not put him on record in exchange for it. The problem.. is this makes him even MORE unsympathetic. While I do get wanting to help your child, I do and it’s a sucky position... he again should be sympathetic.. but he handles the thing so badly it sucks. He just tells april to ease off, with no reason given, then fires her when she SHOCKINGLY dosen’t give up taking the guy whose refusing to take her hard work seriously or actually solve the crime wave problem to task for his shitty behavior as ANY person facing a shitty, corrput cop would. She just wants to hold him acountable and get him to actually do something. He clearly knows her on a personal level too as he talks about his issues with his son freely with her, something you don’t do with an employee unless their also a friend on some level. 

He could have TOLD april what was going on. She’d be furious at Stern’s naked corrpution and prioritizing shutting her up over actually solving crimes.. and thus put at least some of that energy into shutting him down or finding a way around it, going to the papers or something like that. Even in 1990 pre-internet, there were ways to get around Sterns blackmail and expose him so someone who’d actually do the job could get the job. Instead he just comes off as a selfish coward who rather than try and fight the guy blatantly abusing his power and using Charles own son as  barganing chip, goes along with it because it’s the easier option to simply bow to him instead of TRY and stop this. And it’s not like he’s even going after a beloved public figure or someone who could hide behind his rep: Sterns was blatantly failing a crime wave, April had called him out on his failrues and coverups multiple times. The public was against sterns.. finding out he tried to blackmail the media into shutting up about him would PROBABLY end him... I only say probably not because the public wouldn’t skewer him, but because police tend to escape consequences for blatantly murdering someone on a daily basis and Andrew Cumo is STILl mayor over in new york, the same city this movie takes place, 31 years later, depsite EVERYONE asking him to resign over a long history of sexual harassment and a more recent but still horrible history of hiding death numbers. I don’t doubt people being stupid enough to ignore this or the bilaws with cops being stacked enough for him to get away with it, but just because someone gets away with a crime dosen’t mean you shoudln’t try and go after them in the first place. Fuck. Charles. Pennington. 

Danny on the other hand is FAR more interesting and I think gets way too much flack when it comes to this subplot. Unlike his dad, whose dead weight, Danny is intresting: He provides a POV character for the foot’s MO in the film of taking in wayward teens, and his character arc is pretty engaging, slowly realizing the foot dosen’t care and that hte turtles are the good guys. HIs actor does a great job and while not the biggest presence, he’s not a bad addition to clan hamaoto and I wish other adaptations would find a way to use him. The pull between doing the right thing and his found family is a good struggle. My only real issue with his plot is the moviies flawed aseop about family. It tries to contrast shredder and his using the kids blatnatly with Splinter and Charles really loving their sons. And it works with Splinter and the kids because despite being a tad strict, Splinter clearly loves his sons and works with them to help them. The problem is ENTIRELY with Charles and Danny. As I said Charles love comes off as transasctional: He either thinks he can buy it or just expects it because he shot a bunch of goop into Danny’s mom after two minutes of disapointment. It dosen’t work with them because neither option is good for Danny. His father is neglectful, chooses throwing his jounralistic integrity out the window over talking to his son or his best friend about another way, and abrasive. Danny is no saint, he does do crimes, but it’s clearly a result of a shitty upbringing and the shredder and co actually offeirng him the love he desperatly craves. Danny goes to the foot because his dad is bad at his job but the film never adresses that and just expects Danny to go back to his dad because the plot says so. Danny would HONESTLY be better off with Splinter. No really. Sure he’d have to live in the sewers.. but he did so for a few weeks in the course of the movie. He’s fine down there. Splitner actually cares about him and took an intrest to him and knows how to raise a child. Let him become the fifth turtle. An aseop about family is not a bad thing: Loaded subject that it can be given how many outright abusive families exist, i’m one of the lucky ones who dosen’t have that issue, family is an important thing and can be a source of comfort and support. But this film tells you you should love and respect someone who does not love, respect or value you because he spent a minute in your mom’s vagina and that’s not how family should work and is outright dangerous to kids in an abusive situation. Love the film otherwise but fuck this aseop skyhigh. 

Final thoughts:

Overall though.. the film is bodacious. It’s funny, well paced, has an awesome cast, and outside of a certain bald asswipe... it’s a really good superhero film. Is it the best i’ve seen? Nope. Not even close and character wise most of them are as thin as a wet paper bag covered in ranch dressing. But it’s still a fun as hell with awesome corepgraphy, a killer soundtrack, seriously the soundtrack is damn excellent and only didn’t get it’s own section because I didn’t have enough to say and some of the best effects work i’ve seen in a film in the turtle suits. If you haven’t seen it I urge you to check it out: it’s a breezy 90 minutes, it’s on hbo max and it’s a shell of a time. Will I do the next film? 

We’ll see how this one does like wise and such, but I will be doing the rise film whenever it comes out this year. So look for that and keep possesing turtle power my dudes. If you liked this review subscirbe for more, join my patreon to keep this blog a chugging, comission a review if you have more turtle stuff you want me to cover, and comment on this. What do you think of the movie, what are your thoughts on the review, what can I do better, what other turtle stuff would you like me to cover/ Let me know and i’ll see you at hte next rainbow. 

[nancypullen]

Books

Okay, I’d planned a long, semi-intelligent post about what I’ve been reading lately but there’s a good murder show on so I’m going to make this quick.  I’m not going to break my promise but I am going to half-ass it.  You should know that about me by now.  So here we go. I read just about any genre.  I’ve never been a fan of science-fiction, but I’m sure the right book could change my mind (not really).  In the span of a week I may read a mystery, a romance, and a biography.  I love non-fiction and I love a great novel.  Since I’m serving up a condensed version I’ll share a couple very different books that I’ve read this week.  Because I’m a voracious reader and also very cheap frugal I downloaded these from my library.  Bet you can too.  This book was fascinating.

In this groundbreaking work of science, history, and archaeology, Charles C. Mann radically alters our understanding of the Americas before the arrival of Columbus in 1492.  Contrary to what so many Americans learn in school, the pre-Columbian Indians were not sparsely settled in a pristine wilderness; rather, there were huge numbers of Indians who actively molded and influenced the land around them. The astonishing Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan had running water and immaculately clean streets, and was larger than any contemporary European city. Mexican cultures created corn in a specialized breeding process that it has been called man’s first feat of genetic engineering. Indeed, Indians were not living lightly on the land but were landscaping and manipulating their world in ways that we are only now beginning to understand. Challenging and surprising, this a transformative new look at a rich and fascinating world we only thought we knew. This book is one that I plan to purchase and make a part of my library.  I want to go back over parts and highlight the heck out of them.  Not only did it completely change my perception of what sort of societies existed in the Americas pre-Europeans, but it was the first time that I’ve read actual accounts of what Native Americans thought of the newcomers.  I’m not talking about the white-washed history we were taught in school.  Here are some examples that were discovered in the letters and journals of early missionaries.  When those first giant sails appeared on the horizon and ships made landfall the natives were puzzled by the pale, small, weak beings who had animal fur on their faces.  It’s noted in many, many writings of early settlers that the Indians were impressive physical specimens. They thought their pale visitors were weak, dirty, and smelly. At this point in history it was not unusual for a European to go their whole life without a bath - it was believed that bathing made one vulnerable to illness.  The Indians, on the other hand, were all about hygiene.  One passage that I found highly entertaining was from a missionary’s letter that discussed how revolting the Indians found the white man’s....handkerchief.  They simply didn’t understand why a man would take a clean piece of cloth, blow something foul into it, “then fold it up and tuck it into their pocket like a treasure” - something the Indians would have flung to the ground and kicked dirt over.  They also viewed the new arrivals as helpless. Remember that most of the Europeans who sailed for the New World were not woodsmen, hunters, or in any way prepared to hack out a home in the wilderness.  Sure, they had guns, but most of them weren’t adept with them.  The Indians (that’s the term used in the book) were happy to help and teach, until they weren’t.  I won’t get into the greed and betrayals that turned things sour - that’s not really what the book is about anyway.  It’s not a bash-the-colonists book, it’s just a very revealing view based on many, many studies by experts in archeology, anthropology, history, and so on.  The focus is actually on the amazing societies that existed here and in South and Central America before they were wiped out.  Again, not by a stronger force but by disease.  The figure that we were taught was Squanto (actually Tisquantum) was kidnapped and taken to Europe and paraded around for something like 9 years. When he was finally able to make his way back to what we know as New England, the huge native population and “cities” that he’d left behind were all but gone, wiped out by sickness.  What a heartbreaking return for him.  Anywayyyy - this book was dense with information, which is why I want to get my own copy (I’ll buy it used on Amazon for a few bucks) and highlight the heck out of it.  There’s stuff I want to remember!  Hmmm, I was sort of all over the place with that - guess I can’t watch tv and discuss literature at the same time - who knew? Sorry. Check out the book, it’s a good one. This next one will be way easier to share.  It’s Ree Drummond’s Frontier Follies: Adventures in Marriage and Motherhood in the Middle of Nowhere.

I’d never planned to read this, it was available to download from my library so I figured I’d give it a whirl.  I’ve always been a bit neutral on her - she’s got a cooking show, product lines in every category from cookware to clothing, and has sold a zillion cookbooks.  She always seemed a little, well, fake to me.  Turns out, she’s just awkward!  I love awkward people!  They’re my tribe!  I read this book in no time at all and I laughed all the way through.  I recommended it to my sister and she called me while laughing her way through it.  I’m begging you to go get it.  Check it out from your library, borrow it from a friend, whatever.  It’s not great literature, it won’t win a Nobel Prize, but it’s an easy read and was just the sweet lift I needed.  Honestly, it’s a breath of fresh air during these troubled times, like a visit with a funny friend. Can’t recommend it enough. I’m still laughing about the chapter where her husband signed her up to teach children’s church. No spoilers, you’ll have to read it. That’s it for my Saturday night, the murder has been solved and I’m going to take a quick bath before we partake in our wild Saturday night tradition - popcorn and SNL.  Livin’ on the edge. Sending out lots of love tonight. Take good care of yourselves. I’m starting to believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  Shhhh, don’t jinx it. Stay safe, stay well, stay curious (read a book!). XOXO, Nancy

[bugabash]

Hold me while we Fall

Miraculous x Attack on Titan au

Fear was a complex that almost everyone within the walls grew to have as second nature. No one had seen a titan besides the scouts since the walls were erected, and the schools taught the children about the monsters beyond the wall in few details. But to Marinette it wasn’t the creatures that fascinated her, it was the world beyond. She had studied books on the wonders outside. But they never taught it in school, and she was chastised for bringing it up. So, the young girl kept it to herself, only sharing it with her sister. She feared the titans beyond the walls, everyone did, it was drilled into them from birth that they were the cattle to the wolves outside, but her family always made sure it was the furthest thing from her mind.

But that was before, and now everything has changed.

Next

AO3

Chapter 1: Marinette Dupain-Cheng

The year was 845 withing the walls of the Shiganshina district. Marinette Dupain-Cheng stood in her room that resided in her home above her father’s small bakery. She was eleven and a half, the half especially important to her when she defended her size to others. She was small, always hiding under her long dark hair that fell to her waist. But despite this her personality always shone through, making her extremely well liked with her peers. And with this came a very protective nature from them over her, feeling the need to shield her from everything, even from some of the stories of the Titans. But no one protected her more than her older sister, Tikki.

Tikki was fifteen, tall, beautiful, her long dark hair constantly in perfectly placed high pigtails, never a strand out of place, reaching down to her waist. She had bluebell eyes just like Marinette, freckles decorating her nose like an artist had painted them on her. She carried their mother’s feature more prominently than Marinette did which she embraced with pride. She was the definition of beauty. She was loved by all, known for her cheerful spirit and, well, being good at almost everything really. She was smart, charitable and all together a good person. She protected her sister from everything, determined to let Marinette grow up without the fear she had grown up with.

Marinette stood in front of her small homemade mannequin with her mauve dress she had been working on for a month now resting on it. Tikki was draped on her bed across their shared room, chattering away about her latest teachings from one of their father’s friends. Marinette was so used to it now, she just focused on her fingers as they threaded the needle through the fabric, counting the last few stitches in her head.

Four, three, two, one.

“It’s done!” She squeaked, interrupting her sister and causing her to jump and sit up, staring at Marinette with a confused expression. “It’s done! It’s d4one! It’s done!” She pulled it off the mannequin and spun around, her hair fanning out around her. Tikki laughed and stood up, jumping around excitedly and ran over. Marinette held it up to show it off to her big sister proudly, this was her first dress she did completely by herself.

“Wow! That’s so pretty, Nettie!” Tikki complimented, smiling proudly at her, “wanna try it on? You can show it off while we go to the market later!”

Marinette gasped and nodded, wriggling out of her current dress and threw it aside, standing in just her thin, white petty coat. Tikki helped her and soon she was in her dress. It was knee length, the red stitches standing out delicately against the mauve fabric. It was long sleeve with white ruffled at the cuffs, a lace like pattern around the neck and a tied up back. She spun around and squeaked with joy, it wasn’t perfect, but it was hers.

“Oh, Miss Marinette, you are the most beautiful ladybug in the land!” Tikki exclaimed with a playful curtsey, using her pet name for Marinette with a cheeky smile.

“I’m the prettiest Ladybug in the world!” Marinette giggled, jumping up and down, “let’s go show Papa!” She grabbed her sister’s hand and pulled her along, running downstairs into their home, she knew he would be downstairs in the bakery. She opened the door leading to the bakery and skipped down.

“Papa!” She called out excitedly, her father turning and smiling at her, “I finished my dress!” She spun around showing it off before running and jumping into her fathers strong arms. He laughed and picked her up with ease, hugging her tight.

“You look exquisite my little love bug!” Her father praised, beaming happily at both of them, “it looks amazing! Did Tikki help at all?”

“Nope, she did it all by herself!” Tikki replied with a smile, “little Ladybug, I need to go into the market, do you want to show off your new dress around town?” Marinette smiled broadly and jumped out of her father’s arms. “Ok good, go put on your boots and a coat.”

“Okay, now you be careful girls, okay? Please be home before the sun starts to set.” Their father warned as he turned back to his work. “You know the rules.”

“Yes Papa, we will be back soon, promise.” Tikki nodded, walking over and kissing his cheek before putting her own coat on.

“Papa, can we have the special bread with dinner? To celebrate my dress?” Marinette asked as she hopped around, trying to put her one boot on.

Their father chuckled heartedly, “of course, anything for my main girls. Now, could you please pick up this today.” He handed Tikki a small list and some money, giving her the same look he did whenever they went out, Marinette never knew what it was but it looked like a serious look. She was still too young to be told much, which she hated. She felt old enough.

“Yes Papa, we will be back soon.” Tikki smiled and pocketed the note in her thin fabric bag slung over her shoulder.

“Bye papa!” Marinette yelled and hugged him tight, kissing his cheek too before letting go.

He waved them off, laughing at how Marinette did one last twirl around a customer before leaving. They stepped out of the bakery and Marinette smiled, she closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth on her face, the wind blowing through her hair and the sound of the birds chirping around them. She opened her eyes and looked around at the world around her. Everyone was busy, children playing with others, mothers working with their babes on their backs, men working hard for their families. Life was hard, but it was happy, simple, peaceful. She loved her town, loved her life really. She had amazing friends and an amazing family. She looked up at her chatting sister, smiling.

As they walked Marinette looked out at the huge walls that protected them. She wondered if the monsters would ever get in, or if one day she could go beyond the wall. She knew it wasn’t possible for humans to live outside, but she still wondered. As her father and Tikki liked to tell her she was destined to meet someone and raise a family. Contribute to the town and survive. She wasn’t too sure on it all, but she did as she was told.

They reached the market soon enough, and something caught their eye, Tikki grabbing Marinette and pulling her off the road into the crowds. Marinette gasped, eyes wide.

The scouts, she had seen them many times before, saw their wounded and saw the families that grieved. Their neighbour lost three sons just last month. She remembered the blood curdling scream, her father had told her that the sons were most likely eaten by the Titans, explaining that that was why she must stay within the walls and stay away from the military.

Today they looked exhausted, almost defeated, the blood standing out on their clothes. Tikki gripped her tight, pulling Marinette against her body.

“Those poor men and women,” She whispered, Marinette looking up at her then back at the soldiers, “Marinette, always respect anyone who wears that uniform. They have given up everything to protect us. Do you understand?” Marinette nodded, looking back at them.

She caught the eye of one young man who was on horseback. His hair was pure black, the top of his hair long and in a bun, shorter pieced falling out here and there, while the underside was shaved to a fade with what seemed to be a haphazardly shaved pawprint on the side. He looked over at them, he must have spotted Tikki, she always caught peoples’ eye. He had green eyes with small pupils, he was handsome but looked young to be in the scouts. His jaw was covered in blood, his cape missing and his uniform stained, though it didn’t stand out much against his black t-shirt. He raised a brow, and tilted his head curiously, examining them. Marinette blinked before she waved, smiling pleasantly. This caught him by surprise, blinking a few times before he smiled and waved back. He had a peculiar smile, his canines looked almost catlike with the small extra length of them and it made her smile more. He was different, just like her and her sister were. Not to the extend but still. He seemed to find it amusing and winked at Marinette, laughing to himself before he turned his attention back to the front.

They watched them leave, the crowds whispering between themselves, Tikki’s grip never letting go of Marinette. Tikki quickly herded Marinette away, “let’s go.” She whispered.

“Did you see that scout?” Marinette asked as she walked, looking down at the stone she had started kicking. “He looked different, like us.”

“What?” Tikki asked, taken aback with a raised brow.

“His smile, I think he looks like he has teeth like a cat.”

“A cat?”

“Yeah, didn’t you see? I like his smile, its unique like us.”

Tikki stayed silent and eyed Marinette before looking forward again, “you know why we are unique, don’t you? Papa said he discussed it with you.”

“Yeah, because we are half Chinese, or oriental as he said.” She answered honestly, “he said we are rare and that there aren’t many of us left. That’s what makes us so special.”

“Well yes, but that is also why we must be extra careful and why we must not be out after sunset.” Tikki explained, her brows furrowed. “You know about the people that could harm us?”

“Yeah, I know, but I don’t think everyone is bad.” Marinette replied with a shrug, she hated these conversations, she didn’t like to think about all of that… of mama…

“I know, but there are bad people out there.” Tikki said before stopping and looking around. The world had almost gone quiet, the wind dropped, and the birds stopped singing. Marinette blinked and looked around too.

“Marinette…” Tikki whispered, grabbing her sister’s shoulder.

Marinette bit her lip and looked around, “what is it?”

Tikki looked like she was starting to panic and pulled Marientte aside. She crouched in front of her and held her shoulders, looking her in the eye. “Okay, I need you to listen to me. Never put yourself in danger, got it?” Tikki stopped and held onto Marinette’s shoulders tighter. Tikki’s blue eyes looked scared. “There are more scary things than the people who could take us. I have done everything to protect you from the reality of this life, but please, if anything happens, ever, you run, you hide, and you do whatever you can to survive.”

“Tikki… What- what are you talking about?” Marinette asked in confusion. She may not know much but she wasn’t an idiot, she knew there were dangers beyond and within the wall. But what was she talking about?

“Trust me, okay? Just listen to my words.” Tikki cupped Marinette’s face, “you are the most important thing to me, and I promised mama and papa that I would protect you from everything, let you grow up but something… something about those soldiers. I can’t lie to you anymore.” She sighed, Marinette felt tears in her eyes at the mention of her mama, “listen to me, if ever something goes wrong, you look after yourself before anyone else, okay? I know it sounds awful, but I need you to survive.” Marinette shook her head, that was an awful thing to say. “Life is survival, it’s not survival of the fittest anymore, its survival of the smartest. You are small, but strong, you’re smart, you use that big brain of yours, and you survive.”

“I-I don’t understand.” Marinette said with a frown, “why are you telling me this? Why can’t I help people if there is danger?”

“I…I….” Tikki looked away, biting her lip, Marinette felt her pulse through the hands on her cheeks. “I just… Promise me!” Tikki looked more serious than she ever had.

Marinette looked at her in confusion, where had this come from? This was so out of the blue, it was like Tikki knew something she didn’t. But what? “Tikki, I don’t understand.”

Tikki opened her mouth but she was interrupted when a crack of thunder echoed, a yellow strike of lightning appearing just beyond the wall. Everyone froze and watched, she had never heard silence like that. Tikki stood up and grabbed Marinette.

What was happening? She saw the huge hand on the wall and gasped. No… It couldn’t be… The wall was over fifty metres tall, no titan was ever that big.

“Oh god… no…” Tikki gasped, Marinette looked around, everyone was still, eyes on the wall. She turned her eyes to the wall and covered her mouth, her blood ran cold. A sweat overtook her body and she started shaking. That was when she saw the face appear. It was all muscle, even from this distance she could make out the eyes and teeth. “Marinette, run!” She heard her sister scream before a gust of hot wind overtook them, rubble flying everywhere then a loud bang. They were flung back into the air, her grip on Tikki gone as she screamed. She didn’t know how long they were in the air but when they landed it was hard and Marinette landed on someone who wrapped their arms around her. She had hit her head, she knew that much from the pain and the wetness trickling down her face.

She had the wind knocked out of her, her vision going white and a pain in her side stifled her scream. She heard screaming around her, and when her vision returned, she was on her back lying on another person who had their arms tightly around her. Dust was everywhere, people running around them and she could hear someone screaming her name. Wait, she wasn’t on Tikki?

“Hey, are you okay?” She heard a young boy’s voice ask under her in a yell, “Hey, can you hear me? Listen to me!” She coughed and struggled against the arms, he let go of her and she rolled off. She rolled onto her knees, her dress was torn slightly over her left side from their impact and blood was dripping onto the white lace around her neck She felt hands on her face and looked up, meeting green eyes. Time stood still and she stared at him in silence. He looked around her age, big green eyes, a cut under his left eye and short blonde hair. He looked so groomed he could be from the inner walls. He looked her over before grabbing her under her arms and pulled her up to standing, grasping her hand and pulling her away from the chaos towards who was screaming her name.

She let him pull her along, her body moving on its own as she stared back from where they came from. Boulders lay on top of people, blood everywhere, limbs lying across the road. Marinette gasped and her eyes widened. She felt her innocence shatter, felt everything of her being shatter. She had been so sheltered, and now…

“Hey, come on, you need to run, I cant carry you, please!” She heard the raspy voice yell in a panic, turning her attention to him with wide eyes. He saw them and gasped, looking past her and saw what she had just seen, pulling her behind a wall and hiding her against the cold stone. Realisation had hit him on what she had just seen, and so he pulled his cloak off and wrapped it around her, pulling up the hood. “Don’t look, I have you, I promise!” He grabbed her hand again and they were running again. Marinette gripped onto the boy for dear life, tears streaming down her face.

They’re dead… The titans, they were in. She didn’t know what was going to happen! Where was Tikki?

“Where are we going? Where is my sister?” Marinette screamed, she was half running half being dragged, but then she tripped up on her skirt with a scream and caused them both to fall, scraping her knee in the process as they rolled away, hitting a wall and stopped. The boy had his arms around her again as he kept her close to his chest as them stampede of people flew past, panting heavily.

“Are you okay? Can you still run?” He asked softly as he looked down at her, blinking when he saw her wide, terrified eyes. He frowned and tilted his head back, looking to where she was looking and froze, 50 feet away from them stood… a titan.

“No… How is that possible.” The boy whispered, sitting them up and pulling her back against his chest, being held close to him as she sobbed quietly. They were frozen, his grip on her tight around her, ruffling her dress between his fists. “A Titan…” Before them stood a huge humanoid creature, his grin ear from ear filled with large teeth, his hair long and black, his tall body muscled. Marinette started kicking her legs, trying to get away and grabbed at the arms around her, screaming for help. “I got you!” He cried as she struggled in his arm before lifting her up with a grunt, shifting her onto his back and began running as Marinette wrapped her arms around his neck, gripping onto his shirt for dear life as he hooked his hands under her knees.

Marinette looked ahead and saw Tikki between the terrified crowds, she was with the scout from earlier, he had Tikki over his shoulder and was looking around as if he was looking for someone. She was kicking and screaming, eyes falling on Marinette and she stopped struggling, screaming for her with her hand outreached, causing the scout to look back, his eyes widening.

Marinette screamed out, “Tikki!” She gripped onto the boy tighter who had a determined look on his face, his eyes focused on the scout. “Tikki! Help-” before she could finish her sentence a titan grabbed them out of no where, causing them both to scream and grab onto each other, the boy twisting and pulling her against his chest. The boy started punching the giant fingers around them, his other arm holding her tight against him, Marinette never let her eyes look away from the toothy grinned giant staring at them in hunger. “Tikki!” Marinette screamed.

“Marinette! NO!” Tikki screamed, Marinette looked over at her to see her fighting the scout who was yelling something at her. He didn’t have his gear, Marinette noticed, her heart sinking as she turned her attention back to the monster in front of them. He was raising them up, the grip getting stronger, the air being squeezed from them. The boy yelped and looked at her in fear. She looked back, tears streaming down her face. They stared at each other before he smiled at her small, lacing their fingers together and keeping their eyes locked.

“Just keep looking at me, okay?” He said softly, she nodded and gripped onto his hand, sniffing and wiping her nose on her arm as she cried. “It’ll be okay, what’s your name by the way?”

“M-Marinette.” She whispered in reply, shaking and stifling a scream as a big hand started to reach for them, the boy squeezing her hand more, the other arm around her tightening, pulling her so her face was against his chest, resting his head on hers.

“I’m Adrien.” He replied, he was shaking as well, tears falling. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.” She shook her head, eyes starting to turn towards the hand that was so close now she could feel the warmth, her eyes widening. But Adrien wasn’t having it, tightening his arm again and making her look back up at him. “Keep looking at me or hide, just don’t look. I got you.” He whispered.

The grip on them tightened and her eyes shot open as fingers grabbed the cloak fastened around her, lifting her out of the hand, she screamed for dear life as Adrien tried desperately to keep his strong grip on her. “Adrien!” She screeched, gripping his hands for dear life. He was screaming for her, desperate to get her back. “NO! NO! ADRIEN! TIKKI! PAPA!!!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, her grip being pulled from Adrien’s her heart stopping and her eyes widening. She locked eyes with the terrified boy, he looked like he was about to be sick.

She wasn’t sure if it was because he had lost her, or because he was next but the boy started screaming and hitting at the hand again. She looked at the titan as it held her up to his face, staring at her with empty, dead, hungry eyes. She was hanging from the cloak, it was slowly pressing against her neck, making it harder and harder to breath. She was sure she had wet herself, feeling warmth go down her legs. This was it; this was the end. She watched as he opened his mouth, the stench was rancid, making her gag and cover her mouth with her trembling hands. She started screaming for help again, kicking at the Titan, she didn’t want to die.

She felt time move in slow motion as she was lifted up higher, closing her eyes and hugging herself. She heard Adrien screaming for her desperately, but her hearing left her, a soft hum taking over. Was her body getting her ready to die? She had read something about it, a fight or flight within the body, protects you from the trauma or the pain to come so to speak. Adrenaline, was it? But she wasn’t sure it was true until now.

Then suddenly she wasn’t being held up as air filled her lung from the loss of pressure on her neck, feeling the air from falling overwhelming her. It’s over… It’s over… But instead of being bitten in half or feeling the wetness of a tongue, she was hit by another body, eyes flying open to see the ends of blonde hair as she was suddenly going another direction. Reality set in and the haze faded quickly, she wrapped her arms and legs around him as he did to her, burying her head in his neck as she braced for impact. And boy was it a hard one.

They hit a corner of a wall, spinning in the air and slamming into the floor, both gasping and coughing for air. She opened her eyes wide as she took a deep breath and gripped the boy that lay on top of her, covering her from danger. She looked back at the Titan to see it was missing his hands, swiping at the soldier who had appeared. She saw the roses and knew exactly why they were there. She didn’t have much time to think after that as the boy got up and pulled her up, grabbing her and flinging her on his back, running as fast as he could. He was limping as he ran, his groans while he panted telling her that he was injured just like she was.

By the time Marinette could register what was going on fully she was pulled off his back despite her screams of protest to be met by a tight hug. She blinked and looked up, “Marinette!” Tikki… She found her! Marinette broke down and hugged her tight, her sister hitched her up and held her close to her body, and they were running again, Marinette clung on for dear life. She opened her eyes and saw the dark-haired scout behind her, the boy draped over his back. He looked exhausted but still clung to the young man, Adrien’s head hung over his shoulder.

They ran in the screaming crowds, avoiding the many titans that were eating everyone they could. But Marinette kept her eyes on the boy, he had risked his life for her, a stranger. Why did he do that? After what her sister had said to her earlier, she was confused to why he had risked his life to save her?

After what seemed like ages they suddenly stopped, the older teens panting heavily. Tikki shifted Marinette with a grunt and she could feel that Tikki was wet from sweat. “Marinette, I need you to run, okay?” She whispered, placing the girl down who stood on shaking legs, nodding and looking back at the scout who didn’t look like he was struggling as much, but the boy on his back fought against him and jumped to his feet, running to Marinette and took her hand, eyes fixed on her and full of something Marinette had never seen before. She gulped and looked at their clasped hands before she looked around fearfully.

The scout didn’t look pleased but grunted, Tikki looked at the scout who just frowned and started running. The boy pulled Marinette with him, Tikki running behind them. Marinette looked around as she was pulled along, people were being eaten, trampled, crushed, there was nothing but death and despair. How could they survive this?

After not too long they were approaching the main gate in wall Maria, Marinette looked around desperately for her father, but never saw him. They all slowed down, gaining their breath back slowly. They joined the crowd, heading slowly towards the arch. The one flaw of the districts that lay outside the wall was there was only one exit. She remembered her father complaining about it constantly. She looked back at her sister, seeing Tikki was next to the scout who Marinette had figured out his name was Plagg. They were arguing in hushed voices, she wanted to ask Adrien what was going on but she didn’t know if she could speak yet.

Did they know each other? The way they were arguing and their body language spoke a thousand words. But she had never seen this man until today. But then again here she was clinging to the boy next to her, their fingers interlocked and her other hand gripping onto his arm for dear life. He didn’t seem to mind, looking up at him and saw he was looking around with a serious expression. Now that things had slowed down, she got a proper look at him.

He was taller than her by maybe a few inches, his face young and his green eyes bright. The right side of his face was covered in blood, his cut dirty and deep under his eye, another cut on his forehead. She didn’t think she looked any better, feeling the dried blood on her face and the pain from her cuts. She looked down at his dark green shirt and saw red over the side they had hit the corner of the wall on, her brows furrowing. He was injured, and he still managed to carry her out of there.

“He’s my brother.” Adrien spoke softly, turning her gaze back up to his face, he was looking down at her now, smiling small, “Plagg, the one talking with your sister, Tikki was it?” Marinette nodded, looking at the two arguing teens, “he’s a scout, the only reason he’s in Shiganshina is because of me.” He looked down darkly, his eyes looked sad for some reason. “But, hey, that meant I was there to catch you.” He looked at her and smiled sadly.

She blinked up at him, she didn’t know what to say, her whole mind felt shattered. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. Why couldn’t she speak? Was she really that weak?

He seemed to understand and nodded, “hey, it’s okay. We have been through a lot today, you don’t have to talk. I’m just glad I could help even one person.” She again blinked, he was so kind, probably the kindest person she had ever met. Why save her?

They both looked up when Tikki turned to them, “stay close, we need to get onto the boats, but there are a lot of people in front of us. You stay by us no matter what, okay?” They both nodded and she sighed, eyeing their clasped hands before turning back, Plagg whispered a comment that caused Tikki to hit his arm, telling him off again.

“Plagg, we need to get them away from here.” Marinette heard her sister say, eyeing her curiously. Tikki’s hair was ruffled, her pigtails messed and some hair had fallen out, framing her face. She had a small cut on her cheek. But what stood out the most was that she looked terrified.

“Yeah, yeah, I know that, sugarcube.” The scout replied with a scowl, “what do you think I’m doing exactly?”

“Well, so far my sister was almost eaten, let snot even bring up the state of them, and my dad is probably dead!” Tikki yelled back at him, pouting as she glared.

Suddenly they heard the footsteps, freezing and spinning around. Their eyes wide. Adrien gasped and pulled Marinette close, his eyes wide and his jaw clenched. In the distance they saw a huge titan sprinting towards them, his arms flinging around him, his jaw slack. Marinette screamed and was suddenly pulled to running by Adrien, turning her gaze forward the saw Tikki being pulled along by Plagg.

They had got out! How were they in danger again! This couldn’t be happening! She looked back just as the titan hit the ground, gasping as she saw the rubble heading towards them she looked at Adrien and saw he hadn’t seen it, his eyes focused on the road ahead. HE had saved her all this time, and if that debris hit them he would be hurt or possibly die. She looked back and gasped, she had to do something! She let go of his hand, causing him to gasp and look at her. She didn’t hesitate and shoved him hard, causing him to yell her name and fall to the side just as the debris hit her. She was hit hard, being smacked back, tumbling until she skidded to a halt, her body limp.

All she felt was pain, her vision went white, and she felt her dress suddenly getting wet. She tried breathing but it was laboured, and she heard gargling a bit. Her body was shaking, the pain coming from her left side of her face down to her shoulder. What was wrong with her? Was she dead? Was she dying? What about Adrien?

Suddenly she felt hands on her neck, she heard her sister far in the distance and then strong arms were carrying her and she was bouncing in them, the wind blowing over her. She heard others yelling and the whiteness started to fade. She was staring up at the sky, her mouth hanging open slightly, gasping for breath. Why did it feel like she was drowning? Was she drowning? No that was silly, she was in someone’s arms.

She felt someone had her hand, a soft voice speaking to her until they finally stopped. She felt hardness under her and suddenly her sister’s face was above her and she felt pressure on her neck, cheek and shoulder. She looked around without moving her head, Tikki’s tears catching her attention. Tikki? Why was she crying? What was wrong with her?

“Marinette? Oh god, oh shit, please, don’t die, no, please don’t die!” Tikki was saying, crying softly. “Plagg, do something!”

“Do what exactly? Do I look like a doctor? I’m doing everything I can!” The young man hissed back, he tore the bottom of Tikki’s skirt and started wrapping it around Marinette’s neck. “Just keep pressure! She’s lucky she’s even fucking alive!”

“Why did she do that?” She heard Adrien, he sounded distressed.

“She was saving you, if she didn’t do that you would be just as bad, possibly worse. She has some guts, I will give her that.” Plagg replied, leaning over her and looking into her eyes. She looked back, examining the dark green eyes, his small pupils getting even smaller as he frowned. “Just shut up and keep her calm!” She must have looked like she was panicking because suddenly Adrien’s face appeared as Plagg’s disappeared and looked down at her.

Marinette tried to speak but it sounded gargled, she felt him take her hand and her eyes darted toward him, seeing the dark faced boy. She should have spoken up earlier, now she can’t speak. She can’t thank this boy. A complete stranger who risked his life, who was covered in both his and her blood, banged up from protecting her. And she couldn’t even thank him. Adrien… He saw her panic and smiled sweetly, kissing her knuckles. She suddenly felt tired, darkness taking over quickly. “It’s okay, we got you, we are on the boat heading to Wall Rose, we are-“ Before he could finish his sentence there was an explosion and Plagg dove over Marinette, shielding her.

“Fuck!” He cursed and sat back up as Adrien took over his place, shielding Marinette, turning towards the wall and they all stared in silence. Marinette wanted to see but the pain was too bad so she gripped onto Adrien’s shirt. He looked down at her with an expression that scared her. She felt her eyelids flutter and darkness slowly took over, the last thing she see was Adrien’s face, his hands suddenly flying to her neck as he started yelling something. And then… nothing.

oOo

When Marinette first awoke she felt groggy and sore, her eyes barely opening. She groaned, lifting her hand and felt the rough bandaging from below her nose down to her breasts. Her mouth was covered so she couldn’t speak. She blinked a few times and looked up, expecting her sister or even Adrien’s face, but she was met by golden eyes under big, framed glasses. She blinked in surprise and stared at the dark-skinned girl standing over her, she had a heart shaped face and had fiery, long hair in a high pony, pieces framing her face. She was in a nurses uniform, but she looked the same age as Marinette.

“Hey girl.” The girl spoke chipperly, “you’re okay, don’t try to speak though. You’re in Troste district. You got badly banged up, but you’re safe now!” She smiled at her and picked up a clip board examining the paper.

Marinette felt the sheets under her hands, they were rough and they smelt funny. She realised she wasn’t on a bed but the floor, a sheet between her and the hard wood. What happened with the titans? Why was she in Troste?

“Marinette, is it?” She hummed and walked around Marinette, Marinette watched her with a raised brow. “You have internal damage, a big nasty cut from your cheek to your shoulder, some cuts on your face and torso, and some bruising. You really fought for your life, didn’t you?” She looked at Marinette with… admiration? “You’re like those scouts, you’re a superhero!” She dropped to her knees and grabbed Marinette’s hand, Marinette’s eyes widening. “That’s so cool!”

Cool? Marinette didn’t think it was cool. She had just experienced the worst day of her life and she couldn’t do anything right, needing others to save her. She felt like a fool, she felt like a dumb child. Why did no one ever tell her how bad they really were? She felt so naive. She looked away from Alya and pulled her hand away. Alya blinked and looked at her with a concerned look, her smile falling. Marinette didn’t have the energy to help the girl with her feelings, she was dealing with her own. Her eyes were empty, the sparkle gone, her innocence gone. Hell, everything she thought she was now seemed pathetic. She noticed she wasn’t in that stupid dress she had spent a month or so on, how frivolous it seemed now. She was glad she wasn’t in it, she didn’t want any reminders. Reminders of them, of the death, of how she was useless.

She couldn’t even protect herself, she had to have others save her, protect her, carry her. She was weak. She was worthless. She needed to get stronger, she had to. She would never let anyone suffer because of her again. The only good thing she did today was push that boy out of the way.

“Hey,” Alya dragged her from her thoughts, looking back at the girl. She looked concerned, “you’re safe now. I promise.” She placed her hand on Marinette’s. Marinette wanted to believe her, but she didn’t know what the truth was anymore. “I’m going to stay here with you tonight, okay? Your sister isn’t far, she will be here soon. But I promise, I will stay with you.”

Marinette blinked up and her, tears filling her eyes. She realised then she had been trying so hard to keep it together. Alya smiled and did a quick examination on Marinette, chatting away about how she was helping her mom who was the head nurse here. After she was done, she shuffled under the sheet with Marinette, lying on her back and staring up at the roof. Marinette felt comfort in it. She couldn’t speak but that didn’t matter right now.

Alya stayed with her that night, describing her childhood, telling her everything about herself. Marinette hung on every word, by the time she passed out from exhaustion and pain she felt like she had known Alya since she was a child. She felt at peace in a way, but she felt different. She felt like she was changed forever, the girl she was the day before was gone now.

---

It took Marinette a long time to heal, Tikki hardly leaving her side and eventually becoming a nurse herself so that she was close to Marinette. Alya spent every night with Marinette, making sure Marinette felt alone and comforted her whenever she was sad. The worst night was when she climbed into the sheets and hugged her friend while she sobbed after finding out her father was dead, and soon every night she slept next to Marinette. She didn’t care that they slept on the floor, she refused to sleep anywhere else without Marinette. They were inseparable.

It was a few months before Marinette was asked to speak, the bandages finally removed and the deep sensitive scar standing red and angry against her pale skin. She was used to the dull pain in her jaw, the now scar didn’t hurt as much as when it was a cut, but the pain was still there.

“Okay Marinette, we need you to try to speak.” Tikki said softly, Alya was next to her, she had stolen a mattress from her home and had made herself comfortable next to Marinette, concerned eyes on her best friend.

Marinette gulped, it felt weird not having her mouth covered, She had only had her mouth uncovered to eat or drink, so it felt weird to be completely exposed. So she felt naked sitting there without the bandage, in the baggy green shirt she had found at the bottom of her bed months ago, a small cut on the side. It was Adrien’s, he had washed it and brought it for her. She knew it was, no one knew for sure but she knew in her heart it was his. She chewed her lip and looked at her sister. It took some time but finally the words left her mouth, “where is Adrien?”

Tikki blinked in surprised and furrowed her brows, “Who?” She asked, “wait, the boy?” Marinette nodded, Alya watched her in confusion, “He’s okay, he isn’t here anymore, he’s with his brother with the survey corps, I think. He’s okay.”

Marinette nodded and looked down at her hands in her lap, she had thought of him almost every night but even now his face was blurry. She tried so hard but she couldn’t make out his face clearly. All she saw was the blood, the titan ready to eat her, felt the warmth down her leg as she pissed herself, the chaffing after as she ran for her life. She was destroyed by the experience, but maybe she could do some good from it. She lay back down, rolling over, pulling the blanket over her mouth as comfort. The others looked at her sadly, knowing she needed space. Alya sighed and lay down next to her, hugging her tight.

"Marinette, I promise he is okay. He was here for a little while and he visited you a few times when you were asleep." Tikki said softly, stroking her sister's face. Marinette hid her face, Tikki knew this side of Marinette too well now. She sighed and got up, "okay... I will come back later."

Alya stayed silent as Tikki left before she whispered, "Marinette?"

Marinette looked back at Alya, "yeah?" She replied in a whisper, it felt amazing to be able to speak again.

"Who's Adrien?" Marinette realised her best friend had no clue about what happened to her, she had been silent for months and now it was her turn to use her voice to let Alya know her.

"He's a boy that... He saved me." She croaked, rolling over so they were facing each other. "He gave me this shirt, I know it. He was wearing it." She covered her mouth with the neck of her shirt, looking down. "Do you want to hear about what happened?" And with that Marinette spoke about the worst day of her life for the first time since it happened. The words fell from her lips and a pressure lifted off her chest. By the end she was sobbing, Alya's eyes were wide in horror, her mouth open in shock. That night they fell asleep holding onto each other, Marinette having her first night without any nightmares, and she could make out Adrien's eyes. So she focused on them, holding onto the image for dear life.

---

More months passed and Marinette was now fully healed, or as healed as she was going to get. It had been over a year since the break of wall Maria, Tikki and Marinette were now living with Alya and her family. Marinette’s wounds had healed but she now wore a pale pink, jagged scar from the far left of her cheek down her neck all the way to her collar bone. Because of this she was stared at constantly and they whispered about how she was a survivor. Her hair had grown longer since the fall of Shiganshina so she used her hair to her advantage, hiding under it yet again, and rarely speaking. Tikki constantly told her she was worried about Marinette, but Marinette ignored her. She didn’t want to talk about this stuff with Tikki, she knew she had her own problems and Marinette didn't want to put more on her.

The person she was, the cheerful, talkative girl was completely erased, as if she never existed. She now was quiet, subdued and emotionless. Alya was the only one who got anything out of Marinette, she even managed to make Marinette laugh, a sound Tikki hadn’t heard since the day of the attack. It wasn't that she had no personality anymore or anything, she just didn't have a reason to be cheerful or talk much anymore. Especially with her giant, ugly scar that she hated. Her scar was like a giant sign that read 'I survived the fall of Shiganshina, stare at me please'. She hated the stares but she was used to it now.

The only person she spoke to was Alya, they lay in bed together at night and whispered to each other. Marinette told her of her plans to join the military the coming weeks. Alya argued with her, saying that it was suicide, stating Marinette has only just recovered from her last experience with the titans. Alya wasn’t impressed but eventually promised to come with her to Marinette’s surprise, stating they were in it forever now.

“Alya, we could die.” Marinette whispered, lying on her side looking at her best friend who mimicked her, a frown on her face.

“I don’t care, look at you, I am not letting you go anywhere without me.” Alya retorted.

Marinette frowned, “I don’t need protection. Don't join the military just to keep an eye out for me, you could die!"

“I’m not coming to protect you, I’m coming to support you.” Alya sighed.

“I can do it alone.” Marinette frowned, looking away. She didn’t need anyone else getting hurt for her. "I don't want you to get hurt or end up like me."

“I know that, girl.” Alya replied softly, “but there is nothing wrong with others helping you. And we are in this till death, right?”

Marinette looked at Alya and sighed at their promise, linking their pinky fingers, “Till we die.”

“Till we die.” Alya repeated, grinning. “So when are you going to tell your sister?”

Marinette sighed and played with the string of her shirt, her mind drifting to Adrien again. “I don’t know, but she isn’t going to be exactly happy.”

“That’s the biggest understatement of the year.” Alya snorted, taking her glasses off and placed them aside. “All I will say is good luck, girl.”

Marinette sighed, watching as Alya blew out the candle, she knew she was right, telling Tikki was going to be hell. "You say that but you're the crazy woman following me to our deaths."

"Nah, it's only being crazy if I thought we would die." Alya replied, "which we wont, we are gonna be badasses."

Marinette chuckled and shook her head, "sure."

“Don’t worry about it tonight though, okay? Let’s just focus on getting some sleep tonight.” Alya smiled and got comfy, Marinette smiled, feeling the tug of her scar. She never smiled now because of it, but she never felt shy or like she had to hide from Alya. She could be herself.

"Yeah... Let's see what happens." She said before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

---

Tikki stared at Marinette like she had grown two more heads, her blue eyes wide with fear. “You… no, I… You WHAT!?” She screamed. They were sitting at the dining table in Alya’s house, the two girls sat on one side while Tikki and Mrs Césaire were on the other side. Tikki was standing up, her hands in fists. She looked like she could jump across the table and bundle Marinette up and hide her forever. She was in her nurse’s uniform, they had chosen to tell them now before their shift happened so that they could pack their bags. “You are barely twelve years old!”

“I’m thirteen soon, I am old enough, I’m joining.” Marinette said calmly. She watched her seventeen year old sister look shocked at her words. Marinette looked at her emotionlessly, being stuck in a bed for months not being able to speak and being stuck inside your own head makes you extremely good at handling emotions and stay in control.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tikki slammed her fists on the table, “it’s a suicide mission joining the military! Do you want to die?”

“No, I don’t. I want to make a difference. I almost died because I was weak, I don’t want to be weak anymore.” Marinette didn’t flinch as Tikki slammed her fist down again, her eyes fixed on Tikki.

“You can’t even comprehend or understand enough to join the military!” Alya gulped next to her, chewing her lip, her own mother staring her down but not saying a word. Tikki wasn’t staying silent.

“Respect anyone who wears that uniform, Marinette.” Marinette said softly, “Remember you said that to me?” Tikki blinked in surprise, stepping back. “I remember you said that minutes before we ran for our lives,” Tikki’s eyes widened and she gasped, “before I was almost eaten by a titan, before I got this.” She pointed at her scar, her brows furrowing. “So don’t tell me that I don’t understand or that I cannot comprehend death or what being a soldier means. I am well aware. I have the scar as a souvenir.” Her eyes darkened, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest.

Tikki stared at her in shock, holding the same look she always had when looking at Marinette recently. The look of not knowing who Marinette was anymore. Tikki turned to Mrs Césaire, “Marlena!” She cried, “say something! I can’t be the only one who doesn’t want this to happen!”

Mrs Césaire sighed and dropped the hand that was covering her mouth. “Alya, have you thought this through?”

“Yes mom,” Alya replied, straightening her back with confidence.

“You aren’t doing this to follow Marinette?”

“No ma’am.” Alya insisted, shaking her head, “I want to bring honour and pride to our family. I want to help with the war on the titans and get our world back.”

Mrs Césaire nodded, thinking for a minute before she stood up, wiping her eyes and walking over to Alya, pulling her to standing and engulfed her in a huge hug. She hugged her back, burying her face in her mothers chest. “We are already so proud of you, and you have already brought us honour by joining. I know you will be amazing.”

“What!?” Tikki was shocked, Marinette looked back at her with a raised brow, Tikki looked bewildered. “You are allowing this? They’re children!”

Mrs Césaire let go of Alya and frowned at Tikki, “they have experienced more than most adults. Especially Marinette.” She replied calmly, “if they want to join the military to make a difference we should be proud of them and their sacrifice! The men and women who are fighting this war against the titans are giving up their lives for us!”

“Exactly, giving up their lives!” Tikki yelled back, “I don’t want my sister dying at the ripe old age of 17 when she graduates!”

“I won’t die, and if I do it would be for the greater good!” Marinette stood up and yelled back.

“No it wont! You will die with your guts hanging out, piss down your leg and you will be crying out for a loved one begging not to die! I forbid this!” Tikki walked over and grabbed Marinette’s shoulders. “You are too weak!” Marinette gasped and stared at her sister in shock. “You will die!”

“Marinette isn’t weak!” Alya yelled, she looked ready to attack. “She is the strongest person I know!”

“The last time you saw a titan you almost died! You are too small, you won’t make it!” Tikki shook her shoulders angrily. Marinette frowned and pushed her sister off her, glaring at her.

“You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t my mother and you aren’t my guardian.” She growled, “I can do whatever I like, and if anything Mrs Césaire is in charge of me.” Tikki looked surprised. “And I am not weak. If you don’t like it that’s not my problem. You can either support me or you can stay out of my business.”

Tikki glared at her sister before she grabbed her head scarf off the table and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Marinette sighed and sat down, dropping her head on the table with a grunt.

You are too weak… you will die…

Her sister’s words echoed in her head, she was expecting the words to hurt her but they didn’t, they made her more determined. She was going to make it, she just needed to prove everyone wrong.

“Ignore her, Marinette. She doesn’t know who you are, who you really are. You will prove her wrong.” Alya reassured her, resting a hand on Marinette’s back.

Marinette sighed and stood up, pushing the chair back and walked through to their bedroom, walking to the window and looked out. She saw the garrison soldiers on the wall, they were running drills today, she watched them swinging across the wall and felt a pang in her chest. She wanted to be up there, she needed to be up there.

She sighed and turned away, leaning against the wall and slid down to the floor, dropping her head against the wall. Her mind went to Adrien again, looking over at the green shirt draped on the bed. It was a year and a half since the fall of the walls, and his face was almost all but blurred. She remembers how he held her like she was the only thing that mattered. She remembered his voice, and all she could see were those green eyes. She felt her scar with her fingers, drawing her knees to her chest, staring at the crinkles in her skirt.

Where was he? Was he safe? Did he get badly injured? She had so many questions that were most likely never going to be answered. And that sucked. He was the reason she was joining the military, she was spared and he saved her life, a stranger’s life. She had a debt to pay, and she wanted to be good. Not just a good person but a good soldier. But that wasn’t the important thing now. In a few weeks she will be a recruit and will start her training. She needed to focus on that and get through. Her eyes travelled to the shirt again, sadness taking over and the tears came. She had been through so much, yet these moments came very rarely, and when they did she embraced them with open arms. Just happy to feel something.

---

“Tikki I will be fine.” Marinette stared at the uniform in front of her. The cadet badge standing out against the tanned jacket. Her last conversation with her sister the night before echoing in her head. “Just… don’t die, okay?” Tikki had helped her cut her hair and gave Marinette her red ribbons much to her surprise. Now they were tied in her short, low pigtails, the ribbons floating down her back. Something of her sister to keep her safe.

She gulped and started to strip, pulling her new uniform on proudly. She wore her dark green top underneath her jacket, her dark brown sash around her waist fit perfectly and then her white trousers. Everything was custom made for her she figured, because it fit perfectly. She sat down and pulled on her knee-high boots, determination filling her.

Soon they were on the courtyard, in their formation at attention. Marinette looked around, she hadn’t met anyone yet, Alya standing next to her. She finally made it, she was finally here. She clenched her fists and looking to the side at her friend, smiling small at her before her face went hard. She was going to prove everyone wrong; she was going to join the survey regiment and she was going to make a difference. She looked forward, the horrors she saw flashing in front of her eyes, taking a deep breath and relaxed her fists. She had made it, now she had to actually do it.

[pebblysand]

It’s me again! You gave such a thorough reply that I wanted to first say thank you and second elaborate on devastating and maybe also expound on why i love castles so much.

So honestly what i most appreciate in post-dh hp fanfics is the exploration of what happens after the war- particularly the trauma and healing process. I’ll be frank in that I’m probably projecting my own mental health issues but that’s neither here nor there.

Castles strikes me as particularly interesting and unique because it delves into Ginny’s trauma from the war as much as Harry’s. Very often in other post-dh fics we see that Ginny is the stable one, she is Harry’s anchor, they show her understanding and forgiving him without question. Which I understand and love but your fic sheds a new light on other possibilities. When I say devastating i mean the internal turmoil, the truth that recovery and healing and growth are agonizing processes. (This is me projecting again, that last three years have been A Lot). And i really appreciate that, personally and narratively. The ordeal of healing and healing alongside people you love and at the same time hurting and being hurt by those same people, and the harsh reality that none of this is linear is something that I just find so compelling in your writing.

Man that’s the most coherent I’ve been in a review in AGES - not just feral screaming. Needless to say, I am very very excited for your update and I will literally wait however long it takes, because you can’t rush genius.

Aw thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad this fic is resonating with you. This is going to be long, so buckle up under the cut.

Thanks again for what you've said, I truly appreciate it. Without blowing my own horn too much, I will say that castles does seem to "speak" in that way to a lot of people in terms of trauma and healing, which as a writer is immensely flattering. I think as authors, all we ever want to do (or at least all I've ever wanted to do) is to write things that are faithful to human emotions and human experiences (as Sally Rooney puts it, we want to write books about "people"). When we get that right that's honestly the most rewarding thing in the world.

To tell you the truth, though, I never really set out to write about that. To give you a little bit of backstory on Castles, it's a story that's been more of less brewing in my head since I was 14 years old, which is when DH came out. I remember sitting there at the end of it and even then I couldn't stop thinking about the 'what now?' question. Obviously there is the epilogue (and I will come back to that in a bit) but I always had a question mark drawn on the direct aftermath of the battle. I think most HP fans have their own little corner of obsession, right? Like, some people are obsessed with Marauders, some with Next-Gen, some with the Death Eater side of the fight. The Post-War world has always been mine.

I believe that the reason for that, as much as I hate to admit it, is that as humans, when something bad happens to us, we have a very easy way out: death. I'm obviously not trying to encourage anyone out here to kill themselves and if anyone who reads this is having thoughts along this line, please seek help, but the truth of the matter is that in the human experience, death is always a possibility. We could choose it, embrace it, and end our own suffering. Yet, like Harry at the end of DH, most of us don't. For the most part, we tend to hang onto to life. Because, truth be told, it's full and wonderful and deserves to be lived, despite the fact that, objectively speaking, it's bloody hard. And, as a writer, that's the space I want to be in. I want to understand and describe why we make that choice, every day, to get up and carry on, rather than giving up. I find that absolutely fascinating. I'm not a writer for the sensational stuff (some people do that much better than me), I want to write the quiet and the silence and the dirt and the blood that's dried and the grief and the powering through and the not giving up. To me, choosing life despite trauma is the epitome of bravery which, as a Gryffindor, is probably the character trait I value most in people.

Obviously, from a narrative perspective, this interest of mine lands itself to a post-war exploration very well. There's an old interview of JKR where she says she insisted on the epilogue being included at the end of book seven (even though she knew it was going to piss people off) because she wanted to show that they made it through. That, as I put it in Castles, 'They lived, for better or for worse.' And, in that interview, she talks more specifically about soldiers and PTSD, and says that 'getting over that kind of war, that's the hard part.' I remember watching that interview and thinking: yes, exactly. And, that's the thing about the epilogue. It's not so much about the content of it, the who-ends-up-with-who rather than the symbolism of it. It's not only about the fact that they fought in a war and won it, it's about the fact that they fought another war afterwards, a quiet one with the world they were trying to rebuild, along with rebuilding themselves, and they won that one, too. It's about showing that bravery isn't always this sparkling, flashy thing. It's also overcoming the silences and the grief and the struggles and making it to the other side.

And, so, yeah, I suppose that leads me to write about trauma. Although that isn't the initial endeavour, it's certainly part of it. And as you pointed out yourself, that road is full of ups and downs because "living" is fucking fantastic, but it's also fucking hard. I find the phrasing you used about Ginny typically being the "stable" one in other fics particularly interesting. I'd never thought about it that way, but I see what you mean. And, the thing with Castles is: none of them (and I mean H & G but also Ron, Hermione - hell even Kingsley) are particularly stable or unstable. To me, they just are. They exist and they live and they try to put one foot in front of the next the best way they can, with very little sense of plan or strategy. They sort of make do, which to me is the only realistic way I can envision the post-war world. They're kids who've just lived through the apocalypse. It's unrealistic to me that any of them would hold all of the answers, or even come close to having their shit together.

To me, it was and is very important to show all sides of that spectrum. Although they likely all wouldn't have suffered from acute PTSD, they would certainly all have struggled with something. Not everyone deals with everything the same way, and I want to show feelings of guilt, and bravery, and confusion, and fear, and determination which are all as unique as the individuals who experience them. I also wanted to show that not everything has a clear-cut explanation for it. For example, when Ginny breaks up with Harry in chap3, she says some truly horrible things. But, what she does say is also the one percent of everything that lies under the surface. She says she breaks up with him for Reason A but it's actually Reason A. 1, A.2, B, C, D, etc. Because, truth be told, that is what happens in life. People rarely give you a neat little list of all the reasons they do something, especially if, again, they've just lived through something huge. Often, you only truly find out the real reasons for people's actions months later, and often, that's because they themselves don't even know, haven't made sense of it in their heads. So, of course, I think it's incredibly important to write all of them as going through something, because to me anything else would be deeply unrealistic.

And, truth be told, I've thought about this extensively every time I've re-read the books in the past. Throughout the years, I started countless drafts on this topic, which I often gave up and left unfinished, until now. I think what motivated me this time is honestly the pandemic. I re-read the books during the first lockdown, then set out to find The Perfect Fanfiction which would deal with all of that. I'd never been in the Potter fandom before and thought to myself: 'there's like a million fics in that fandom, someone must have written this.' And, to this day, I still sort of believe that? Like, I've had a lot of comments in the past year telling me that they like or dislike Castles because it has a unique "tone" and a unique "mood" as well as themes but I'm always like "really? someone else must have written this," haha. But, despite spending a lot of time looking, I never found it so I suppose that's when I decided to write it, haha.

And, here we are, lol.