#it is also very much an addiction now too and I fully recognize that

[dustylovelyrun]

I honestly just wanted to be coherent, man. I've had genuine bouts of time where I would frequently sleep for 24 hours before and wake in a zombified, exhausted state suggesting that I hadn't even had a single hour of rest, and that was considered a relatively good state of being for me. I've said my head is usually empty and mind entirely blank before, but there's something so horribly different about it being empty because it's leaden. My energy levels haven't really changed from then, but I can convince myself to do the dishes now, sweep the house, or go on walks, at least.

People who drink coffee: why did you start?

I don't drink coffee and I've never wanted to, but that's obviously ~not normal~, so I'm curious why most people do start drinking it.

[anantaru]

icanf stop thinking abt dainsleif and choking T_T his pretty hands around your throat while he fucks u… rough actions but words filled with praise and as sweet as honey!!! telling u he loves you and how pretty you look like thattt 💕

cw. rough, choking, fem! reader

a/n. currently very busy travelling to different countries due to my work, so enjoy this little drabble i wrote on my notes app while flying 🩷

dainsleif loves how you feel under his roughened palm— how he can recognize your hard gulps and swallows while he‘s pressing his digits into your neck just a little bit more, not too much but also not too faint, so he could notice and experience each flex and hiccup you’d do— in a certain manner, you could state that it‘s the perfect amount of pressure as he saw it.

"fuck— i love you." he pants and fully jerks himself into you, hips spent but determined to push you towards a curling climax— until you feel all bubbly and warm while blissfully crowded with his erect cock. it's almost shameful, how the pearly drops of pebbles threatened to slip from under your sticky lashes at the stimulating stir on your lower region, "you’re so- so pretty." he whimpers above your lips, exhaling the swelling air from his lungs when he feels you more.

"so pretty like this."

dainsleif angles his head towards your direction, winding over your jaw and lips to muffle your like saccharine tasting sobs as the nauseating air surrounding you was beginning to pitch heavier and thicker— cloying, the lack of breathing control teleported you towards bottomless bliss and spirals as your nostrils nose over the penetrating smell of filth and sex, mind overcasted with clouded pleasure.

his hips were relentlessly brushing past the tight ring of your hole and limitless of stamina— slapping erratically into your softness over and over while leaving it to your pretty perfect cunt to gnaw and clench down on his girth to keep him in, languidly stroking him with your spongy insides.

"i love— love you too." you somehow manage to choke out, by how drunk on his cock you appeared to be it was a clear miracle that you were able to squeeze something out at all. your eyes were turning glassy at the stern grip on your neck as his fingers still served as your most dearest necklace— you flutter your lashes open to peevishly admire your lover; how his biceps were wholly tensed and his wet lips widened, his brows eagerly scrunched together as his hips worked in keeping with your own small needy ruts up into his length.

while this alone was almost too much for dainsleif to properly function anymore— he's so terribly addicted and in love with you, it's comical, almost. how you cannot stop drifting your eyes off him, petulantly blinking and pouting at him from under your splashed lashes, all pseudo shy and stimulated, pleased by him and him alone.

even for a man with his level of self restraint, he needed to cum now, all over you— and mark you from the inside out, until you‘re gushing and guzzling up all he gives you, until his heavy cum webs further into your skin and fills your womb with nothing but his whites.

your cunt helplessly pulses around his girth and he nudges his cock closer to you, most prominently deeper until ghosting on to the deepest pleasuring spots in your puffy pussy, settling all the sloppy mess of his seed and your liquids inside of you while the overflow coated him up entirely, leaving nothing untouched.

©2023 anantaru do not repost, copy, translate, modify

[m1ssunderstanding]

I think your tags on the post about Paul's song Suicide got cut off. I was invested, and want to hear the rest of your thoughts :) Maybe you could put it all in a separate post if you don't want to add it as a reblog?

hey, thanks for this ask! It's always nice to have someone that wants to know my thoughts. I'd love to know yours on the subject too!

Okay super long text post under the cut

On “Suicide” 1956 and 1970

My interpretation of the meaning of Paul’s early song “Suicide” and its purpose on his debut solo album

The verse Paul had written in 1956 goes,

“If when she tries to run away

And he calls her back, she comes.

If there’s a next time, he’s okay

Cause she’s under both his thumbs.

She'll limp along to his side

Singing a song of ruin. I’d

Bet he says nothin’ doin’

I, I’d call it suicide.”

The song’s protagonist can’t leave an abusive relationship. The abuser knows it doesn’t matter what they do, the protagonist will always come back. Even when they’re limping, even when they vocalize their knowledge that this relationship is damaging, they’ll always come back, and the abuser is nonchalant. In the end,the singer likens the protagonist’s return to the relationship to suicide.

Just as the woman in the song is under her husband’s thumb, around the time this was written, Paul was very much under his father’s thumb. This was not due to any lack of self-direction or courage on his part. Jim was physically abusive (like the husband in the song) an addict, extremely controlling, and emotionally both unavailable and volatile. Still, in the same way that the woman in the song always goes back to her husband, Paul loved his father. It’s likely that Paul’s unusual degree of deference to his father was a combination of self-preservation and a genuine desire to help and please his father. Jim was also honest and well-liked, a lot of fun, intelligent, talented, a buyer of wonderful presents, and a supporter of Paul as a musician, and Paul felt great admiration and gratitude to Jim. And yet, Paul is not only the protagonist of “Suicide.” He’s also the singer. And the singer knows this relationship is destructive – bad enough to be likened to deadly.

So, “Suicide” is about Paul’s relationship with his father.

Enter John Lennon. Based on John’s perfect knowledge of “I lost my little girl” a full dozen years after being first shown it, I’m inclined to believe John was fully acquainted with the song “Suicide” and though I think pigs would fly before Paul would discuss its meaning with John, it’s not unlikely that he had his guesses.

It is also my tentative belief (based on the wording of the quote in which John talks about Paul and Jim and the issues with control and violence, the fact that John hit a lot of people, but never Paul, and the documented fact that John Lennon is intensely perceptive when it comes to Paul McCartney) that John knew Jim hit Paul. John hated Jim for all the same reasons Paul obeyed him. He hated that Jim was abusive, and he hated that Paul loved him. But. And here’s where I might be stepping on some toes. John and Jim share some important similarities.

Positives first. Both men are praised for being honest to a fault (Jim owning up to gambling debts and John being open and brash in interviews). Both are well-liked by almost everyone who knew them (People go on and on about what a gentleman Jim was, what a stand-up guy. People always think they’re John’s best friend after spending three hours with him) Both recognize Paul’s talent and give him the support he needs to pursue it (John obviously to a much higher degree) Both are described as being the life of the party and the center of attention.

Now negatives. Both men are highly susceptible to addiction. Both men pressured Paul about his lifestyle. Both are known to have been violent toward people they loved (although John was never violent toward Paul. This is important, and will be revisited). Both men had difficulty controlling their emotions or expressing them in a healthy way.

John eventually won his battle with Jim, as he states very proudly that Paul chose him in the end. He stood up to his father, as John claims he constantly begged him to do, and cast his lot with John, their partnership and their music. And, obviously, it was the right decision. Not only because it resulted in the greatest musical collaboration of all time, but because with John, Paul exchanged violence for softness. John was capable of a shocking level of care and tenderness, and for many years that was absolutely lavished on Paul. And I think they were both privately proud of that fact.

Jump to late 1969 / early 1970. John’s actions during the divorce (forcing Allen Klein – another violent and controlling man – on Paul, manipulating – self-admitedly – George and Ringo into turning against Paul, threatening – accidentally or on purpose – to treat Paul the way he’d treated Cynthia in their divorce, etc.) were hurtful enough to Paul that he was, in fact, suicidal (barely finding the strength not to suffocate himself in his pillow, taking way too much of everything, half-hoping he’ll overdose) and when he is finally pulling himself up again, he’s ignoring all John’s attempts to get him to come back (songs, interviews, letters, post-cards).

He puts out his debut solo album, the content of which makes John angry, though to an outsider, there doesn’t seem to be much there in the way of messaging.

Here’s what we get of “Suicide” a the end of “Glasses”, right before “Junk”

“ . . . song of ruin, I’d

Bet he says nothin’ doin’

I’d”

The part Paul chose to include was the abuser’s shrugging lack of surprise that the protagonist has returned, yet again, despite their knowledge that they’re walking back into abuse. I believe Paul’s message to John here is this: You were the one who taught me that there is a certain level of treatment I should expect from people who say they love me. Now that you’re the one who’s hurt me, you have to deal with what you’ve created. I’m not just going to come back to you with my tail between my legs and act like nothing happened. You taught me better than that. I’m really leaving. We’re really over.

[middleearthpixie]

Something in the Night ~ Chapter Eighteen

Summary: Following the Battle of the Five Armies, a seriously wounded Thorin Oakenshield returns to Erebor to recuperate and eventually ascend the throne as king. With the deaths of Azog the Defiler and his son, Bolg, Thorin no longer has to worry about the bounty the Defiler placed on his head and can instead concentrate on restoring Erebor to its former glory. 

Nina Carren of Esgaroth has one goal—to make Thorin Oakenshield pay for unleashing Smaug the dragon unto her home—where he destroyed the town and killed her family. The Defiler might be gone, but his bounty remains very much in place, and she fully intends to collect on it. 

Finally, the opportunity shows itself for her to do just that, only to have it go horribly awry. Wounded and now at his mercy, neither Nina nor Thorin stopped to think what might happen, should things not go quite according to plan…

Pairings: Thorin Oakenshield x ofc Nina Carren

Warnings: None

Rating: T

Word Count: 2.5k

Tag List: @mrsdurin @i-did-not-mean-to @lathalea @legolasbadass @fizzyxcustard

@xxbyimm @kibleedibleedoo @arrthurpendragon @exhausted-humxn-being @knittastically

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@sazzlep @night-ace

If you’d like to be added (or removed) to the tag list, please just let me know!

Previous chapters can be found here. 

It was almost two in the morning by the time The Black Swan closed, and Nina looked forward to going back to the flat over on Stone Street, two blocks to the north, and getting some well-earned rest. 

She was taking out the last of the garbage when a dark figure emerged from the shadows. “Did you think I didn't recognize you?”

Nina spun about, jerking free the small dagger she kept tucked into her belt after the tavern closed, for just such an occasion. But then she realized she knew the low, growly voice and so did not swing the blade anywhere near Thorin, who wisely stood just beyond reach anyway.

“Are you mad, sneaking up on a body this way? I could have cut you to ribbons.”

Thorin moved into the path of the silvery moonlight. “I’m surprised you didn’t.” His expression neutral, he just held her gaze. “And, as you can see, I live, so that would suggest no one claimed the bounty on my head, doesn’t it?”

She scowled up at him. “I’ve work to do.”

But when she tried to move past him, he stepped into her path. She added a glare to her scowl. “Move.”

“You have no right to be angry with me, you know,” he told her. “I didn't betray you.”

She flinched at that. “And I didn't betray you, either.”

“Not for lack of trying, only for lack of courage.”

The dagger in her grasp was warm and light and it would take but a blink of an eye for her to swing and slit his throat. But, her hand remained at her side. “You’re right, Thorin. I lack courage. That would be the only reason, wouldn’t it?”

His eyes glinted dangerously in the silvery light. “I don't know about the only reason, but it would be the main one, to be certain.”

“So, that’s why you came back? To pick a fight with me? Does your wife know you’re here?”

“No. No. And she is not my wife.”

That his words brightened her spirits also irritated her to no end. She shouldn’t care, shouldn’t be either happy or relieved that he hadn’t married in the weeks since they parted ways. But at the same time, it had been only weeks since they parted ways. A royal wedding would no doubt take far longer to plan. 

And why did she care, anyway? She shouldn’t. 

But she did.

“But is she waiting for you? Does she know you’ve come in search of me?”

“No, she’s in Erebor.”

“Waiting for you.”

“Yes."

“Why are you here, then?”

A low sigh rose to his lips and he shook his head. “Honestly? I haven’t a clue. I wasn't expecting to see you here. Or anywhere, for that matter.”

“Well, I needed a place to live and to work until Esgaroth is rebuilt.” She looked up at him. He looked far less tired than he had the last time she’d seen him. Less angry as well. “Not that it is any of your concern.”

“I know but…” He glanced skyward for a moment, then met her eyes once more, “I’m concerned just the same.”

“Well, you needn’t be,” she told him, then drew a deep breath before adding the words that would hurt her to speak, “because you need focus on your life, Thorin. Perhaps that woman is not your wife, but you are together, aren’t you?”

Although she’d braced herself for his answer, in reality, nothing could have done that, for when he slowly nodded and said, “Yes,” she felt as if the word had punched her in the stomach.

“That’s good,” she told him, her voice soft and her eyes stinging. “She seems lovely and I wish you both nothing but happiness.”

“Nina—”

“I—I need to go home now and so do you, Thorin.” She backed away from him slowly, gesturing over her shoulder with one hand. “Take care of yourself and don’t go walking into any more ambushes.”

He started to reach for her, but then caught himself and lowered his hand. “And you take care of yourself, Nina.”

“I always do.” She turned away from him then, unable to really look at him any longer. It hurt her heart far more than she ever could have expected to see him and hurt even worse to be so close to him, but unable to do anything more than wish him happiness with his new love.

She forced herself to stride away from him, and when she heard the soft crunch of his boots on the loose stones in the alley, she pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling. That crunch grew softer still, disappearing as she reached the far end of the street. Peering over her shoulder, the alley went blurry as tears filled her eyes at the empty space.

As silently as she could manage, Nina made her way down to that end of the alley, peering around the corner in time to see Thorin reached the edge of the city, where the road sloped down and across a wide plains that was slowly becoming green and lush with springtime blooms. She stood there for a long moment, just watching how the moonlight shone silver along his black hair, which tumbled halfway down his back in a long tangle of curls, held away from his face with a heavy silver ornament of sorts. She’d meant to ask him about that, about the runes and braids he sported, but somehow, having him naked and on top of her made her forget about that for a moment.

For reasons she couldn’t explain, quite possibly ever, she felt the need to follow him. So she did. Quietly. Keeping back well out of earshot or sight. She didn't know why she followed, only that something compelled her to do just that. 

A stone wall delineated the city’s borders, and at that wall, she stopped, peering down the slope of the hill leading to the main road down below. Thorin traveled alone, which made her uneasy feeling even stronger. For a king, he had little use for certain protocols, but even he had to know how foolish it was for him to travel alone. Especially at night. 

For a moment, it struck her how he much he risked in choosing to come see her. 

But then, in the distance, something in the distance caught her eye. Something above the road, moving through the pine and beech trees that studded the mountainside, and steadily descended from the ridge of lower mountains that helped form the basin in which the road sat. 

Orcs. Half a dozen of them. A scout pack, most likely. 

And that meant there was a good chance there were even more orcs not to far from Dale. 

She looked back down at Thorin, then back at the mountainside, and then turned to sprint back to the flat.

She burst into through the door, letting it slam hard against the wall, which in turn made Sigrid jump at least a foot. “Nina! What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t have time to explain, but I promise you, I will later,” Nina called as she sprinted by Sigrid into her room. 

Her sword was tucked into the corner, out of sight unless one knew it was there to begin with, and alongside it was her quiver and bow. She armed herself, then sprinted back out, where Sigrid’s eyes went wide. “Nina? What is going on?”

“I told you, there is no time to explain. But I—”

“Will explain, I know. You’ve said that already. But where are you going?”

“The road to Erebor. I have to get there before they can get to him.”

“Before who can get to who?”

“Orcs to Thorin.”

“The dwarf king?”

“Yes. Now, I really do have to go!” Nina sprinted for the door, calling, “I will tell you everything once he’s safe!”

“But—”

Nina ignored the last protest as she broke into a full run and made way for the road. The urge to race at top speed, to get to Thorin before any harm could befall him had her barely touching the road as she darted down it toward Erebor.

Running was never one of her strengths, but the need reach Thorin before the scout pack did spurred her to ignore the burn in her legs and lungs, to ignore everything but him. 

“Thorin!”

He stopped and spun about. “Nina? What are you doing here?”

“There’s…” A stitch crimped her side and she bent in half as she fought to breathe through it. Hands on her thighs, she stared down at the rocky dirt road and tried again. “There’s an orc… an orc pack… Over…” 

She couldn't force any more words out, so pointed to the east, where now there came the crash of bodies forcing their way through foliage. 

Thorin must have seen for himself, for she heard the singing of steel being unsheathed and a hand wrapped about her forearm just before he dragged her behind him. “Go back to Dale,” he growled without looking at her. 

Before she could answer, the first arrow split the air, coming from the east to whistle just over Thorin’s head. 

She pulled her arm free from his grasp and in one fluid motion, drew an arrow from her back with one hand, her bow with the other, set the arrow against the rest, spun about and returned fire. The arrow found its mark with a sickening squelching sound, but she had no idea how seriously she’d wounded whoever it was she’d wounded. 

Her bow went back and she drew her sword as the pack reached them. 

She swung at the first orc to reach them, cleaving him in two at the waist. It had been a long time since she last wielded her steel and her arms let her know it, but she ignored the exhaustion that crept up toward her shoulders. 

“What are you doing?” He whipped about, taking the head off a second orc, which ricocheted off a third one that Nina then dispatched. 

“Do I really have to answer that?” Nina ducked and swung upward, severing a foul arm from an even fouler body. “How many are there?”

“Two more.” He whirled about, the Orcrist’s blade glinting blue in the moonlight. 

“Thank the ma—”

She never saw the orc emerging from the darkness, but she definitely felt its blade as it pierced the upper right side of her chest. In an instant, breathing became far more difficult and being tired had nothing to do with it. 

“Nina?”

The orc who’d run her through raised his blade and swung and would have taken her head from her shoulders, had her legs not decided at that moment to buckle beneath her. She hit the ground with a solid thud, letting out a cry from the pain, while her sword clattered into the dirt alongside her. No matter how she tried, she couldn't catch her breath and panic set in, black dots dancing before her eyes and her pulse thundered through her temples. 

She heard the clang of steel, the splatter of blood, smelled the rancid sour stench of orc blood, and then all went quiet. Dizziness swept through her, but she was terrified that if she closed her eyes, she would never open them again. She tried to move, tried to push herself up onto her feet, but she was just so lightheaded, and breathing was so bloody difficult…

Then, with a final squishing sound, the battle ended. The dirt shifted and a thick knee appeared before her. “Nina?”

Thorin’s voice was the sweetest sound and when he carefully eased her onto her back and she  let out an involuntary cry as fire tore through her, he gathered her close. “Shhh… you’ll be all right, mesmel.”

“What about you? Are you all right?” she managed to whisper. “Are there any more of them?”

“No. We felled the lot of them.” He carefully stood, cradling her close to his chest. “Stay still, and I’ll try not to jostle you too badly.”

“My sword, and my bow…”

“It’s the middle of the night,” he told her as he began moving. “And we need to get you aid. I’ll send someone out to gather them.”

She tried to push away from him, but was so lightheaded, she couldn't muster the energy needed. “I—I can’t breathe…”

“Worry not,” he told her. “We are closer to Erebor than we are Dale and Narnerra is the finest healer in this part of the world. You will be in good hands.”

She fought to draw breath, but it grew harder with each heartbeat. Her eyes were so heavy-lidded and tired, she had no choice but to close them. Thorin cradled her against him as if she was made of fine crystal and he was afraid he’d break her, and she sighed softly, her head coming to rest against his shoulder. The front of her tunic was soaked with blood now, warm and sticky, and when she tried to lift her right arm, a hot sting seared through her. 

“Be still,” he told her softly. “You’re bleeding badly but we are almost there.”

“And you… are you all right?” she managed to push the thick, sluggish words through her uncooperative lips. 

“I am fine.” He gave her a gentle squeeze. “Because of you.”

“I saw them just… just after you left…” Her thoughts were even slower than her words, muddier by the second and scattering as she fought to remain awake. 

“We will discuss it after Narnerra has put you back together.”

“Will… will I be—be allowed into Erebor?”

It might have been her imagination, but a low rumble that sounded like a soft laugh echoed against her. “I am the King of Erebor. No one tells me who is or is not allowed beyond her gates.”

She managed a smile. “I—I forget… a king… you are unlike any king I’d—I’d ever imagined.”

“I will take that as a compliment.”

“It… is…”

She couldn’t fight the exhaustion any longer. She was cold and shivering despite the pain wracking her, and she sank against him. “I… so tired…”

“Stay with me, Nina. Do not give in to the urge to sleep,” he growled, giving her a gentle shake that sent fire screaming through her. “Answer me, mesmel.”

“What… that word… I don’t… tell me…”

“I will tell you that as soon as Narnerra—”

“Puts me… back…”

“Exactly.”

“Thorin… I’m sorry…”

“We needn’t talk about that now. There will be time enough in the coming days.”

“I just…” she forced her eyes open and tears stung them as she gazed up at him, “I would never have done it.”

She managed to get it out in one sentence and that took the last of her strength. He tightened his arms about her and she felt something press into the top of her head. “Hush, mesmel. Again, we will discuss it come the morning.”

“I couldn’t…” she murmured, shaking her head weakly. 

The cold slowly faded. Her shivering slowed. She was so very tired now and so relaxed in Thorin’s arms as everything slowly faded to black. 

[miyakuli]

Triangle Strategy

My obsession since a month. I finished all the routes and played so many hours, I'm finally ready to present it to you and I hope my review will pique your interest and that you'll join me in this then xD (because I LOVE IT TOO MUCH).

Triangle Strategy is a tactical rpg that also flirts with the narrative genre, in which you juggle between fights, cut scenes and choice phases that will influence the fate of Lord Serenor and the future of the continent of Norzelia. Let's say it right away, I devoured the game; I haven't enjoyed a tactical game this much since Fire Emblem 3H! The game has a lot going for it, both in terms of gameplay and narrative, but there are a few disappointing points that could have been better executed by Square Enix.

❤ The story is excellent, very well written and very engaging. The geopolitical conflict is coherent, and we don't just see everything through the eyes of the MC, there are also side moments to follow the plot from other points of view. It's easy to see that the game isn't at all Manichean; each character has their own vision of the continent's prosperity, and as a result, nobody really embodies evil or good. There's a real maturity of writing here, making TS not at all predictable or cliché. ❤ This feeling is reinforced by the choice system, since in wartime, no choice is fair to all, and concessions have to be made. This makes it almost heartbreaking to decide. The game offers us 2 forms of choice. First, dialogue choices to reinforce your character's convictions, revolving around 3 main themes: Morality, Liberty, and Utility. Then, scenario choices that will influence your game, based on a debate with your group; in fact, the convictions you've strengthened will help you win debates. It's an essential part of the story, and adds a lot of spice, if I may say so, as well as replayability (4 endings, including a "true end"). ❤ Let's talk about combat. The tactical aspect is fairly basic and easy to learn. On the other hand, it offers real diversity in terms of combinations. Each recruit has their own combat specialities (2 archers will not have the same attack and defense characteristics, and will have very different skills too). As a result, you really get caught up in studying the field, weather and enemies to come up with the best possible strategy. What's more, the game offers a fair amount of challenge in certain battles, so you'll sometimes have to start them all over again, which really pushes you to persevere and find the best possible combinations; it was extremely addictive for me. ❤ In terms of artistic direction, the 2d-hd pixel art is really beautiful, with superb lighting effects and depth of field. ❤ For the audio, the game is already fully dubbed (Japanese or English), which greatly strengthens our attachment to the characters and our immersion in the story. I played it in Japanese and recognized some big names in dubbing, so it really is a top-quality cast. Now I'd like to turn to the thing that most amazed me about this game: the music. Composed by Akira Senju, whose music for FMA Brotherhood I already greatly admire, he created here an absolutely incredible soundtrack! All the themes are memorable and effectively accompany the atmosphere of every moment in the game. I can say without hesitation that this soundtrack has immediately become one of my must-haves <3

+/- The group's main characters are very likeable and pretty well developed over the course of the game. It's a pity that this is not the case for the other units in our group. Their recruitment is done in a very expeditious way (the characters are accessible as soon as you've increased your convictions enough) based on a short scene like, "Hi, I've come to fight by your side". And then you unlock 2 extra stages if you raise their stats enough, and that's it…at least in Fire Emblem, the appearance of secondary units was done through combat, which allowed us to learn and test their skills, it was much more useful. +/- NG+ is really cool if you want to keep playing and unlock new characters or scenarios. On the other hand, why doesn't the option just appear in the menu, it's pretty confusing to launch (because yes, I relaunched another day and had forgotten about the little explanatory window, but come on!).

✖ Some combat animations are quite slow, and you can't really get past them even when speeding up. ✖ The exploration phases are not very interesting (only 2 phases have a real impact on the scenario, otherwise it's just to recover items). ✖ The game's OST is neither sold on Steam, nor accessible on Spotify or anything else, I want to tear my hair out in frustration. PLEASE SQUARE ENIX, LET ME OWN THIS MUSIC!!!! (;;)

As you can see, after 80 hours of play, Triangle Strategy is for me an excellent game in its genre, thanks to its narrative and strategic qualities, and I can say that I felt a great sadness to have finished it x') However, I'd recommend it to those who like to read, because yes, the dialogues are rich and abundant, and I think that might put off a lot of people expecting more combat and less blah-blah.

As far as I'm concerned, it's this balance between narrative and combat that gives this game its charm and strength, and which I'm sure will convince other lovers of the genre. I'm convinced of it.

➡ My Steam page

[random-ln-stuff]

Hello! Hi! I am deep diving hard in the little nightmares lore and I think I’ve scrolled though most of your blog now (lol). There are still a few things I’m confused about and can’t seem to find…

The north wind, What is it? What powers does it have? Why is it so strong?

The lords, who are they? Do they govern this wrapped world? Do they ever convene with one another?

The eye, is it one big eye? Or is it a realm beyond the no where? Does it control all the other eyes that we see in the games?

If this is too much feel free to ignore it! Sorry to ask so much stuff (I am genuinely trying to make sense of it all) ps. I absolutely adore everything you have in this blog!!

Reading this made me realize that there’s a couple things i just haven’t explained anywhere.

The following is a mix of headcanons and actual (vague) lore.

1: The North Wind.

The North Wind is a monster found in one of the two official Little Nightmares Comics.

In the story, the North Wind is a formless entity, being the wind itself, although he is shown to be capable of making himself a humanoid shaped body deep within the storm that he is, probably forming the shape of a person using dust and debris he’s picked up.

He’s shown making a wager with the Ferryman (which I now believe is “who can pull this child fully into the Nowhere first” or something similar) and given how he calls the Ferryman a Cheat, he’s probably done a similar thing with him many times before.

He’s also one of 3 entities that acknowledges the Ferryman’s existence, the other two being The Mall from the podcast, who recognizes the Ferryman and begs him not to take Noone, and the Lady, who the Ferryman works for.

Besides his ability to literally strip things to the bone with nothing but wind and his own control over it, the mere fact that the North Wind can both casually wager with the Ferryman and the fact the the Ferryman often needs to cheat to win against him shows that the North Wind is equally as powerful or at least very close in power to the Ferryman (and also the Lady).

As for WHY the North Wind is so powerful, I think it’s because of the same reason that the Ferryman is so powerful, but I’ll get into that in a bit.

2: Lords.

First off: All inhabited areas of Nowhere have some sort of Vice or Obsession related to it. A thing that most, if not all of the inhabitants are obsessed with. The Pale City had Escapism and TVs, wherever Guests come from (and by extension the Maw, which is a restaurant that serves these people, not their original home) has food and hunger, etc.

(The Nest is an exception. It doesn’t have any sort of Vice because it’s only inhabited by three people, not counting the Lady whenever she presumably stays there, and doesn’t have the population or resources or anything to sustain any kind of obsession. Sure the Pretender has her dolls, but that’s more of a “spoil this kid rotten” thing than an addiction)

A Lord is basically just my word for “Any creature that controls a given area or vice of the Nowhere”. Meaning The Lady, The Broadcaster (not the Thin Man, but a separate being. I got a whole theory post on that), and if you take the Podcast into account, The Chained Woman, Living Mall and Ventriloquist. Along with any other rulers of the Nowhere we haven’t seen yet or even will never see.

Also included in this list are The North Wind, Ferryman and Signal Tower Flesh Walls. They don’t truly control any real areas (unless you count the North Wind tearing his way through the wilderness) but their power and influence is too great to really ignore, especially since out of the three of them, two work directly together with other Lords in ways that other minions simply can’t. The Ferryman works for the Lady alongside dragging kids into Nowhere to begin with, bringing them to either the Maw or the Nest depending on what the Lady needs. The Flesh Walls aid the Broadcaster in his control over the Pale City, helping spread the Transmission by literally being the Transmission Tower. I’d even argue that for the Ferryman and Flesh Walls, helping the Lady and Broadcaster respectively is more of a beneficial partnership than working under them, especially for the Flesh Walls.

Lords are also the entities that can pull children into the Nowhere, although some do it far more than others and as such are more experienced. For example: The Ferryman, North Wind, Living Mall and Flesh Walls.

(Also while I’m on the topic, I fully believe that Noone’s dream in Ep 3 of the Podcast is essentially an unplanned, forced detour for Noone’s Nowhere Tour, with the Living Mall being the thing that pulls her in this time instead of the Ferryman, which is why the Ferryman ends up taking her away from the Mall at the end instead of just letting her do whatever until she wakes up again. This would explain not only why the Ferryman actually helped Noone during her escape from the Mall, pointing at her necklace and gesturing for her to take it off before offering Noone his hand to escape (which brings to mind the North Wind comic, where the Ferryman does the exact same gesture to the Refugee Boy to take him away from the North Wind), an action we never him do before or after episode 3 when Noone is in danger, but also why the Mall got incredibly distressed and angry at the Ferryman when he showed up. The Mall pulled Noone in themselves this time, and the Ferryman had to show up to make sure his target didn’t get caught by different Lord before he could take her.)

Lords are the most powerful creatures found in the Nowhere, often possessing incredible power and uniquely, more humanlike intelligence and qualities. Adults in the Nowhere are more often than not mindless child killers who simply do their job or keep up with their obsession or vice (the Teacher teaching, the Hunter hunting, Viewers being addicted to the Transmission, etc) and completely LOSE IT when they see a child, gunning straight for it with the intent to kill unless something even more important (usually Obsession related) happens to stop them. It’s shown that some non-Lords can resist these child-killing urges with some practice like the Thin Man refusing to actually harm Six when he grabs her (although he did still leave Six to be corrupted in the Tower) and the Butler being able to look after the Pretender, who is a child, but this seems to be the exception. Especially since in all cases of this happening, there’s a reason for it. The Thin Man can still recognize Six, The Butler doesn’t harm the Pretender because she’s the Lady’s daughter, who the Butler works for and fears for VERY good reason, the Hunter didn’t kill Six immediately because he wanted to either cook or taxidermy her at a later date, etc

Meanwhile Lords have been seen completely ignoring any sort of child killing urge or compulsion easily. The Lady looked after anywhere from 2 to 6 children and is the one that trained the Butler to not attack her children in the first place, the Living Mall is extremely possessive, but doesn’t appear to have any real intentions of harming Noone, just wanting to keep her happy so she won’t leave them to be alone again and even begs her not to go further into the Nowhere for her own safety and even the Ferryman, despite his constant kidnapping of children in and out of Nowhere, never resorts to outright harming them or chasing them down like a wild animal like some other adults.

The Ferryman especially is a good example of this. Instead of chasing and snatching up any child he sees or mindlessly chasing one no matter the cost or killing them immediately upon capture, the Ferryman usually manipulates kids into giving themselves up nonviolently and is extremely persistent in doing so, stalking targets for YEARS if he has to in order to manipulate them or to wait for them to get into a position to be manipulated. He does tie up Six when bringing her to the Maw, but even prior to that he doesn’t chase Six down or harm her in order to capture her. He simply finds Six and points at her, causing every adult nearby to also point and make noises at her (possibly showing that the Ferryman has some sort of control or commanding power over Adults, just like some other lords we see), which overwhelms Six to the extent that she just curls up and tries to block out the noise, and after that the Ferryman presumably just walked over and took her without resistance, avoiding any sort of chase or fight entirely.

This isn’t to say that Lords won’t attack children or will treat them with any sort of kindness, the Lady will kill any intruders she can find and the North Wind seems to seriously enjoy killing things, making a whole game out of it with the Ferryman, but what I’m saying is that they’re able to resist those natural child-killing instincts if they ever want or need to. If a Lord kills a child, it’s because they want to, not because they need to. And boy do they often want to.

They’re also noticeably more aware and intelligent than typical adults. For the best example of this, compare the Maw and Signal Tower to any other adult in complexity.

Every year at the same time, but never in the same place, the Maw shows up, brings guests aboard and lets them eat endless amounts of delicious food and meat, only to later kill all of the guests aboard to feed the Lady with their souls.

The Signal Tower keeps producing the Signal by using a time loop. The loop is initially set up when the Broadcaster finds Mono, a child with signal powers, and attacks the Pale City Orphanage that he’s living in. The two meet, something we don’t get to see happens and Mono ends up in the forest outside the city, most likely coming out of one of the TVs there. Then Mono meets Six and the two journey through the Pale City. The actual loop begins when Mono releases the Thin Man, who kidnaps Six (and removes her soul by doing so). Mono then kills the Thin Man, and enters the Tower, only for a soulless Six to leave him there. Mono is then used as a living battery to create the transmission until he’s too old to be useful, at which point Mono (now The Thin Man) is released from the tower by his past self and is then eventually killed by his past self, who goes on to become trapped in the tower and so on infinitely.

All of these things are not only complicated (Especially the Loop), but when compared to other adults, even adults with Jobs like the Teacher and Doctor, have something that other adults don’t: A Purpose and Ultimate Goal.

The Teacher endlessly teaches fake students that can’t grow, change, learn or ever leave the school. She will do that forever simply because she is a Teacher and Teachers teach. The Doctor endlessly preforms surgeries on patients that never leave, simply waiting in the hospital to go through it all again, once again, simply because the Doctor is a Doctor and that’s what doctors do. The Hunter hunts and taxidermies because he’s a hunter, end of story. These adults CAN do things other than their jobs if they want to, like the Teacher playing the Piano in her free time and even writing and editing her own piece, but in the end they’re stuck endlessly doing their jobs for no real reason, with no end goal, simply because that is what they do.

But the Lady and Broadcaster are different. For example: The Maw’s whole thing isn’t something the Lady does just because she’s The Owner or The Host of the Maw and that’s what she does, she does it to keep herself alive, maintaining the whole thing as a way to guarantee a steady supply of souls to keep herself going year after year. In fact: The Lady didn’t originally run the Maw. She forcibly took it over from the previous owner (The Granny). In other words: The Lady planned out everything with the Maw. She took over because she wanted to use it as a guest trap and continues to use it as so. There’s also the Lady’s connections to the Nest, showing that the Lady can just straight up stop the Maw stuff in its entirety for a while and do whatever the hell she wants at the Nest, not to mention her own collection of books and spells deeper in her personal quarters, further abandoning any semblance of “I run the Maw because I am it’s owner and therefore it is my purpose”. The Lady runs the Maw and keeps track of all her employees because she wants to (use it to become immortal), not because it’s her only true purpose in life.

Her name actually somewhat reflects this. Instead of a job title or something similar, her name is simply “The Lady”. “The Lady of the Maw” for long. It’s just a description of her. Not a job title. Because the Lady does what she wants and doesn’t have a preset job-related purpose. The Broadcaster can also technically be used here as well, because The Broadcaster isn’t actually his name. We don’t know his name. He’s simply a second Thin Man that you can find if you search through the Lore enough. I just call him the Broadcaster because that was the Thin Man’s original name when LN2 had just recently been announced.

(The Thin Man also has a non-job-related name and isn’t a lord, but that’s because he doesn’t actually have a job to define him with. He’s a living battery for the signal tower, nothing more and nothing less.)

Point is, Lords are way more intelligent than the typical adult, and are able to think in ways that regular adults simply can’t.

Also (and this one is a pure headcanon with little canon evidence): Lords have the unique ability to speak in a language that both Children and Adults understand, when normally Children and Adults simply can’t understand each other. The only other creatures that can do this are The Butler, a Non-Lord Adult who can speak Child thanks to the Lady, The Pretender, a child that can speak Adult also thanks to the Lady, and Children that are still in the process of being dragged into the Nowhere, like Noone being able to hear and understand an adult shopkeeper.

Lords can be aware of each other, interact and even work together, as seen with both the Lady and The Ferryman working together either with the Ferryman working underneath the Lady or both on an equal partnership (it’s hard to say given how powerful the Ferryman is and how we don’t know what he’s getting out of this partnership) and the Broadcaster and Flesh Walls working together to create the Transmission, the Loop and everything else that keeps the Pale City the way it is. It really just depends on how close their respective domains are.

In fact: we know two Lords who are either rivals or outright enemies: The Lady and The Broadcaster (once again, a separate entity from the Thin Man, although they look nearly identical).

In Little Nightmares 2, you can find an apartment that used to belong to the Lady, implying that she used to live in the Pale City.

It even has a picture of her (Masked, implying that she had her powers long before coming to the Maw, throwing a massive wrench into the Cycle Of Ladies theory) and one of her ceramic statues. The Glitching Remain found near it might even be the shadow-lifeforce-soul-stuff that the Lady stores inside those things, having leaked out and gotten ensnared by the Transmission.

Given the state of the Pale City and how the Lady now views the mainland as “Chaos”, it’s pretty clear that the Lady lived in the Pale City before the Broadcaster and Signal Tower showed up, and the Lady left once the Transmission started up.

Then in the Nest, we have the Lady locking up a TV in a heavy duty room while suspending it in the air (presumably so nothing can come through and if something does, the TV will fall and break, preventing them from escaping).

Combine that with the Broadcaster’s failed attempt to enter the Maw through a TV in the Post-Credits of Secrets Of The Maw and one of the Pretender’s drawings depicting the Broadcaster, and it’s very possible that the Lady did this in response to the Broadcaster trying to enter the Nest through that specific TV. To prevent him from taking her daughter. It would certainly explain why that TV was rigged to be one way. If the Broadcaster were to come through, the TV would fall, preventing the Broadcaster from escaping with a kidnapped Pretender.

It’s not the only TV in the Nest, as the Pretender does have one of her own, but there’s also a possibility that this specific TV is special somehow. Maybe it’s the only one in the Nest that can access live TV and signals, with the Pretender’s TV only being able to play pre-recorded stuff.

Final point is, both the Lady and the Broadcaster seem to despise each other, with the Lady leaving the Pale City once he showed up and the Broadcaster making multiple attempts to enter the Maw and Nest, most likely with the intention of harming the Lady and/or the Pretender.

As for how Lords are made, I headcanon that there’s two ways. A Deal with The Eye or being Made By It.

For the second opinion you have The Ferryman, North Wind, Signal Tower and Living Mall. They were just straight up created by the Eye. They aren’t the only ones either, as other Lords like them still have the capability to exist out there in the Nowhere. These are just the Lords we’ve seen.

As for why I believe these guys were created by the Lord, just look at them and what they’re capable of.

The Ferryman is described as a otherworldly figure with a face resembling melting wax (fun fact: that exact description is used in the podcast and is a reference to the Cut Character The Wax Bellman, who was confirmed out of universe to be an older beta version of what would later become the Ferryman.), who can shapeshift, teleport, speaks entirely in riddles and is shown to have direct connections to EXTREMELY powerful creatures, not to mention that Otto identifies him as “The guardian at the threshold. A mythic entity who’s appeared in the stories of innumerable cultures.”

The North Wind is a formless entity that is the Wind, is on par with the Ferryman in power and out of universe, The North Wind is often a character in legends and stories of various cultures, just like how Otto describes the Ferryman.

The Signal Tower and Living Mall are so similar that I first they were the same character. They’re giant masses of flesh covered in eyes that can mimic entire buildings. The eyes alone should give these things off.

Coincidentally (or not), these four specific lords are the ones who are better at invading people’s dreams and accessing Our World, with the Ferryman in particular being so adept at it that Otto initially believes him to be The “guardian at the threshold” of the Nowhere. In reality, all Lords we see can access our world through dreams, and it turns out that Eye-Created Lords are just naturally better at it. The Ferryman isn’t THE guardian at the threshold that Otto is looking for, but A guardian at the threshold. A Lord. One of many.

For the others like The Lady, Broadcaster and most of the Podcast Lords, they started out as regular adults.

Now it’s important to note that Regular Adults, despite being bound to that singular purpose or job, can do things outside of it and have unrelated things on the side, like the Teacher playing and composing on the piano in her free time.

For many, this is where it starts, with an adult using that Free Time and stuff on the side in very specific ways. They start researching the world they inhabit and how it works, the Nowhere, Magic, The Eye, and it all eventually culminates in them somehow getting the attention of the Eye itself, and making a deal with it. Either that or the Adult comes into close contact with another Lord, who ends up bringing the Eye’s attention to the adult for them.

The deal is all the benefits that lords have over regular adults (plus whatever is unique to them, like the Lady’s shadow magic and the Broadcaster’s signal powers) in exchange for… something. We don’t know exactly what, but this something is generally assumed to be souls. Many souls. For example, the Viewers of the Pale City are eventually consumed by the Televisions they watch, leaving behind only their clothes. It’s assumed that their souls are claimed by the Eye through this, the Eye getting any and all souls that the transmission ensnares and drags into itself.

Speaking of which….

The All Seeing Eye:

To my understanding and theorizing, the Little Nightmares Universe looks like this:

You have Reality as we know it, The Threshold between Reality and Nowhere, Nowhere itself, an unknown space that most likely just contains another threshold, this time between the Nowhere and the Nightmare World and the Nightmare World itself, which I also call the Eye’s Domain.

The Eye is a cosmic horror-esque eldritch monstrosity. Simple as that. It is the ruler and sole inhabitant of its domain, the Nightmare World. The Eye’s Domain essentially stands opposite to ours in a cosmic sense, and the Nowhere is created where both of these very different worlds overlap ever so slightly.

Also in a very disturbing twist, the Nowhere is actually essentially the universe’s DEFAULT STATE, or at least is as close as to you can get to it, and at some point in the incomprehensibly distant past (most likely during or even before the literal Big Bang), it separated into the stable, orderly “reality” where we live and exist and the horrifying chaotic eldritch nightmare world where the Eye exists.

We know this thanks to the Ferryman’s words: “Two flows from one, and here, is whole again”. In other words, there used to be one world, but then they separated into two, and in the Nowhere, both worlds meet again.

This also means that the Eye most likely predates the entire universe as we know it. In fact, I’d compare it to this bit of Adventure Time Lore:

The Eye’s Realm is literally just Eldritch madness the mortal mind can’t comprehend. Pure chaos with the Eye being omnipresent, all seeing and in full control of everything that happens in there. But the Nowhere is different. It’s not created by the Eye, at least not on purpose. The Nowhere is a space between spaces, where our reality meets the Eye’s nightmarish hellscape, and the end result is the Nowhere, where things make JUST enough sense to be comprehensible while also being filled with the Eye’s nightmares and corruption.

The Eye can see into the Nowhere and is almost always watching almost everywhere at once, but can’t truly interact with anything outside its domain like the Nowhere or Our World (thank god), but it can use other methods to influence things, like it’s various Lords. The massive amount of Eyes seen all over the franchise are less a thing the Eye looks through and more just a sign of Its Presence. It can’t show up physically, but the Eye symbols are a sign that it’s here and watching regardless.

However, despite the Eye being unable to physically appear in the Nowhere, we’ve seen it. In Episode 6 of the Podcast.

In episode 6, Noone is brought to the Threshold, the final barrier between the Real World and Nowhere, where crossing it will trap you forever. The Threshold (or at least Our side of it) is described as Extremely Dark, filled with black mist that makes it extremely hard to see, and contains a single wooden door simply described as “Ancient” with a symbol of the Eye on it. But after Noone crosses through the door and sees the Nowhere side of the Threshold, it’s different.

The Mist vanishes, and Noone sees countless stars that fill the sky with a red moon, but quickly realizes that those aren’t stars, they’re Eyes. Even the Red Moon is just a Massive, Red Eye. That is our description of the Eye itself.

The Eye can’t enter the Nowhere or Our World, but seems to be fully capable of existing within that border space between the realms, although it’s power is somewhat limited here compared to in its own domain.

Or maybe you can just see into the other realms from the Threshold. The Nowhere is compared to a one-way mirror at some point. Earth is on the mirrored side, and can’t look into the Nowhere, while the Nowhere can look at us. Presumably, the Nightmare Realm follows the same idea. From inside the Nightmare Realm, you can’t see the Nowhere either. You are on the mirrored side of a one way mirror. But from the Threshold, and more specifically the part of the Threshold that’s closer to the Nowhere? You are on the side of the mirror that lets you look straight through it, and with Noone being in-between Reality, The Nowhere AND the Nightmare World, she might have be able to look straight at the Eye in its domain, looking at it through the one-way mirror that is reality.

Anyways, That description of Countless Glowing Eyes matching the amount of stars in the sky with a single massive Red Eye surrounded by rings in the centre is the closest we can come to understanding what the Eye looks like. It’s the most complicated form it can take that we as human beings can still comprehend without going insane.

But there’s more. In episode 5, Otto attempts to use a machine to see into Noone’s dreams, but is stopped at the dark mist of the Threshold. He watches as a single eye appears from the darkness, and then it opens, staring at Otto with such intensity that he’s physically in pain from it, barely able to choke out words as he rambles that “it’s watching me” until the machine he’s using completely breaks down.

In other words, Otto tried to stare into the abyss that is Nowhere, but the Eye cut him off and stared right back.

Also also: Otto’s reaction to the Eye staring at him plus the sound it makes as it does so reminds me exactly of the Sentry Eyes used in the Maw and Nest that turn people caught in its gaze to stone. There’s also the unused TV Eyes from LN2 that do the same thing and it looks like the Mechanical Monster Baby in LN3 can do the same thing with it’s own eyes. This leads me to believe that many Lords directly draw upon the Eye for magical power, and Sentry Eyes (and the Eye Cameras in the Maw) use raw power taken straight from the Eye to power themselves.

Also as pure headcanon: In my headcanon post about some children being native to the Nowhere and some being from Earth, I mentioned two things:

Children that are visiting Nowhere as they sleep (like Noone) but haven’t been fully pulled in yet will disappear from Nowhere and go back to Earth if they die in the Nowhere, Fall Asleep in the Nowhere, or “go unobserved for too long”.

Children will naturally appear in the Nowhere (basically spawn in like Minecraft Mobs) in any area that is completely unobserved.

For both of these things, I’m not just talking about going unobserved by others, but also by the Eye.

The Eye, despite being present almost everywhere in the Nowhere and having a reputation as being all-seeing, is not perfect. Occasionally, a tiny gap will appear in its all-seeing sight, and when it can’t see a spot, Children, one of the only things immune to its corrupting, nightmarish presence, have a chance to appear in that unobserved spot.

[toointojoelmiller]

Personal (tw: everything lol don’t read seriously this is an emo self indulgent trauma dump bummer I just need to vent)

Also this has nothing at all to do with Joel so I’m doing tiny font

Since February / March I've been stuck in the worst depressive episode of my life. I'm so fucking crazy and it feels like I’m not getting better. Probably have been low key dissociating for at least half of the time. Started a new antidepressant in April and had a lot of hope for it because when I started escitalopram when I was 24 I had the best response and literally a very fun and nice and pleasant several years. DIdn't last though, unfortunately, and this newest one hasn't really helped me that much other than letting me get out of bed in the morning and I feel so insanely stuck.

I worry sometimes that I have fully snapped this year. My brain just doesn't feel like it used to and I barely recognize myself sometimes. I've isolated myself so much from family and friends. Sometimes even from my boyfriend (we literally own a house together aka I have been isolating myself to like, my office and bed).

I lost a pregnancy and it completely broke me, I feel like I've been permanently shattered by it, and I don't see the world the same way anymore. It’s truly like part of me died. And now it is legit so painful for me to be around babies and kids. And that is especially hard at this age because there is pregnancy and baby news literally every fucking day.

And there is so much fucked up background trauma I’m struggling with. Since 2019 four of my former patients who I worked with when they were teeangers have died terribly between the ages of 19 and 21. I have nightmares about it, see them in my sleep all of the time. Plus numerous of the adult patients I have bonded with over the years have died recently, mostly in extremely upsetting ways. Sometimes it feels like working in the mental health & addictions space has destroyed my soul. And before that I did palliative nursing and watching people die scarred me so much. I am way too sensitive of a person for this sort of work but financially walking away is impossible right now. I wish I never went into nursing. And yeah I’ve done lots of trauma therapy.

It's so upsetting for me being in my thirties and struggling like this. Worse than ever. When I was a mentally ill little teen I would tell myself things would get better with time and it feels like that being true is getting more and more far fetched.

The other thing about getting older obvi is so many loved ones getting diagnosed with health issues. My dad's Parkinson's diagnosis in 2020 was like a fucking bomb going off for me and it’s progressing fast and sometimes it just hurts to be around him and watch him struggle.

Sometimes I seriously just fucking hate life. I don’t even know why I’m posting this on tumblr of all places lol but I feel like I have absolutely no one to vent to so I guess that’s why.

[burning-fcols]

✩ 「 @bliitzo 」 ✩ - Continued from ★

「 ☆ 」 Blitz can deny his feelings for Stolas as much as he wants… but Angel can recognize jealousy when he sees it. The object of envy throughout Hell, he can’t go a single day without someone trying to slit his throat with their eyes. If looks could kill, his soul would have been damned to Double Hell and ALL the others that come after long ago. But there’s extra vitriol in the way Blitz glares at him. A possessiveness the Imp might not even be fully aware of. Angel would know, because the arachnid doesn’t doubt he’s looking back with just as much Hellfire.

Furious at the Imp for making him feel this nauseating cocktail of emotions. Inferiority to someone like HIM— some big-mouthed, big-dicked nobody who’s too emotionally-stunted to even admit he gives a damn about Stolas —terror at being tossed aside, some shrapnel of anger even flying in Stolas’s direction ( secret as it may be ) for unwittingly making Angel feel like he’s not enough. Like no matter what he does or who he tries to be, he’ll NEVER be enough for anyone. Part of Angel wants to blow Blitz’s brains out right now and put an end to it all. But he knows it genuinely will be an end to it ALL. There’s no way Stolas would want anything more to do with him, if the owl even let him live, if he killed his precious Blitzy.

Maybe that’s why this feels so… satisfying. In a fucked up, confusing, Angel-doesn’t-want-to-question-it-too-deeply kind of way. Mixed amongst the usual utter disgust for himself is an overwhelming ego-boost at having Blitz’s dick buried so deep into his guts he’s surprised it’s not tickling the back of his throat. At knowing they brazenly can’t stand each other, yet his velvety insides are surrounding the Imp in an unfair amount of pleasure. Not that Angel can’t say he isn’t also seeing stars. Blitz must fucking HATE it; having a first-hand seat to what Stolas has been indulging in when not fawning over some worthless Imp. Understanding how easy it would be to get addicted to Angel’s body.

A dual-edged blade, Angel is also cut by knowing what Stolas is surrendering to when the spider can’t be around… Feeling that understanding slice through his very core like Blitz’s claws in his skin, teeth grit as he chokes back a gasp. Smothering it with an aggravated growl, bottom lip bleeds as razor teeth sink in to keep his wanton sounds at bay. But it’s a losing battle, Angel holding out impressively considering the throttling of his insides… until a well-aimed thrust, sporadically hitting a sensitive bundle of nerves like a battering ram, tears a sharp cry from the star’s throat. Claws rake down Blitz’s back, leaving thin trails of black in their wake, as Angel’s resolve starts to crack. Not completely shattered, he manages to keep the Imp’s name off his tongue.

Screams of semi-reluctant pleasure, however? The air soon echoes with moans so primal they belong in the Porn Studio. Fluffy chest heaving into Blitz’s harsh hands, Angel cries out wordless praise. Headboard banging against the wall with a vengeance, even the terrified creaking of the bed can’t compete with the spider’s sultry screams. Walls are mercilessly tight around Blitz’s thick length, sucking in the Imp with each welcome thrust. Angel’s hot insides milking the cock for everything it’s worth like a vice.

❝ FUCK! ❞ When words finally come, they are crass and breathless. ❝ Th-That’s right… Fuck me— Fuck me hard, you obnoxious bitch! ❞ Antagonizing the Imp, legs wrap around Blitz’s waist, angling the others hips to aim even DEEPER into his prized ass. ❝ Put that big fuckin’ cock t’ work! Show me why Stolas wastes his time with a piece'a shit like you! ❞ Growling, claws sink deeper into Blitz’s back, Angel glaring at him with such intensity that his eyes are practically glowing, ❝ I’m not th’ only one who’s gonna be cummin’ all night… I can already feel it, y’know. How much you wanna flood my fuckin’ ass. ❞ With how viciously they’re going at it, Angel doesn’t doubt they’ll both be covered with each others seed once they’ve finally fucked themselves into exhaustion. 「 ☆ 」

[1800duckhotline]

OC questions! Kuobakhaya for 34, 39,30 and B!

Uncommon OC questions

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

Very difficult. Kuobakhaya has a very hard time not feeling guilty about a lot of things, even stupid ones, both when she does need to feel guilty and when she doesn't. Being a recovering drug addict brings with herself a huge baggage of things and a lot of guilt regarding several different things, be it not being a good friend, not being a good enough girlfriend, not being pretty enough/in shape enough (body dysmorphia as a result of her eating disorder), not being funny enough, people not liking her enough in general, not being good enough at recovering, not being grateful enough to Tisha (even though he really doesn't ask for anything besides her trying to be ok!) and so forth.

She makes an effort not to let it shake her up too much but there are days the guilt will eat at her for hours. It is definitely going to be a long time before she will fully be able to handle it, but as it is now, it is very hard for her to do that.

39. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

Honestly... ridiculously easy... For an example, personal history aside, the reason she was able to befriend Tisha the way she did when they were children was that Kuobakhaya very very easily will overlook people's faults and flaws, even when it is not beneficial to her or when she knows that they will end up causing her problems one way or another. This hasn't been the case with Tisha specifically, but with many other people she has met it was.

While she doesn't cut slack for her family, who she misses but doesn't regret leaving behind (I have to decide still if I want her to have a brother or two) when she moved to the UK she ended up befriending a lot of untrustworthy folk who took advantage of the fact that she was desperate to fit in and wanted to become as "cool" as possible as the other youngsters were. (She moved with Tisha to the UK when they were approximately barely 18, so they both had no clue what they were doing, just enough budget to rent a dingy apartment and Lots Of Dreams) So, in England Kuobakhaya unfortunately has ignored many people's many many grave flaws due to her being very desperate for some kind of approval, and her drug addiction (heroin) certainly did not help her feel any better even if she felt it did at the time. This unstable period of her life was rendered further chaotic by her awful three ex-boyfriends which in different ways made her life A Good Amount Hell, which I won't get into right now but you have to believe me that dumping each of them individually required Bakhya to build up a lot of courage and she gradually ended up raising her standards little by little.

Even back in their hometown, Bakhya ended up frequenting shady folks - one of the reasons she decided to leave her family behind was exactly because they'd found out about her drug addiction, which at the time was cocaine. Both her and Tisha unfortunately developed addictions when they were both pretty young (the living conditions weren't optimal for either and she used as an excuse the fact she was mourning for the loss of her family pet, which at the time she considered to be her only real friend). This partly also explains why she has a difficult relationship when it comes to her self worth and why she often let others walk over her hoping they would "approve" of her in some way or another. Obviously there is other factors at hand as well.

For reference at the age of 28 (when I usually draw her) to 30 she is actually getting help for her heroin addiction and annexed mental ailments that come from them (principally eating disorders) so she is on her way to recovery, though it is Not easy obviously. But even in a more stable state of mind Bakhya tends to blame herself before she recognizes others' flaws...

30. Who do they most regret meeting?

A lot of people... Though probably most of all she regrets meeting the second of her 3 exes because dealing with him made her psychic ailments a thousand times worse.

It was the kind of toxic situation where Bakhya was desperate for any kind of attention and ended up going to any length to try and make him happy, but unfortunately was not able to do so (the guy was just an asshole full of shit) even when she went as far as to dye her hair blonde since he liked to repeat "how much he likes blonde girls" out loud when she was around.

She knows he was a piece of shit now, but being around him only contributed to making her situation back then worse both with self-esteem, mental health, and drugs, so she will always feel remorse over having considered going out with him at all. Probably the only person in the world she actively always wishes harm against.

B) What inspired you to create them?

This issss a great question! I don't remember actually. Before I decided to rehaul her, Kuobakhaya used to be "Joan", and I made Joan all the way back in 2016 now I think. Crazy to think that it's been 9 years since I've had this OC and only now decided to give her a proper well-rounded revision. I've had to change a lot of things about her.

I think I made her not long after watching Trainspotting, I think, and I was really fascinated with the complexity of characters that are afflicted by addictions, as well as how complicated drugs can make one's life in like, real life, not just in movies. I went as far as to thoroughly research every possible symptoms a character like Bakhya's could have, researching the intersection that comes with switching from cocaine to heroin usage, what are the visible tics, the psychological effects, and so forth. I was further inspired to simply let a tulpa of sorts develop in my brain around the "what if she suffered this and that, how would she react, what would her thoughts be" and gradually it just... Happened.

What was really curious is that I made "Joan" before I ever even watched Twin Peaks, as I now consider Laura Palmer one of the inspirations for Kuobakhaya ('she's just like me fr' situation with Bakhya -> Laura) but trust me when I say I saw the show much later than she was created. Obviously Bakhya's story is not at all a carbon copy of Laura Palmer's (because I made her before I knew of Laura's character, but also because I feel it'd be in bad taste?) but the sentiments, the "philosophy" behind the type of character are both there, in a sense...

This question went sort of nowhere I apologize but I was really just inspired by the idea of a woman tortured by the Mundane demons, not supernatural creatures or anything like that, by how drugs can shape a person and feed into their insecurities and really try and feel how that can change them fundamentally; but not only that, I wanted to explore the idea of recovery, finding yourself again, trying to get back on your own feet after years spent trying to "fit" with the "cool crowd". I had a rp blog for the then-Joan, for like, years, you know.

And I decided to give her a little character arc where she went through recovery and everything. I spent so much effort writing it, too, like, it was really extensive (for my standards) and it involved moving blogs and everything just for that really clean slate feeling -- and literally nobody cared about it, like it was straight up ignored by many people who weren't my friends? I remember that moment completely disenchanting me from the oc roleplay community LOL. Anyway.............

[icharchivist]

@clockwork-shinobi​ 

my brain is still a bit fried from writing all of this so i'll prob need some time before being able to fully put thoughts into Dorian Gray but YEAH, 1) the supernatural shit? up their ally, 2) the homoerotic subtext will translate to them making out on stage, 3) on my god wait Azuma could do a very good Dorian i legit spent hours just writing about Dorian chosing self isolation over allowing the people he knew loved them enough to save him in into his life

wait nevermind i lied actually now i’m thinking about it,

So like i said, the thematic of self isolation, the obsession with beauty, the refusal to look at who you’re becoming, (unwillingly) hurting others as you’re pushing them away, the denial and the acknowledgement that any day you can stop the spiral but you don’t because you feel it’s already too late and the passage of time is scary to you fits Azuma PERFECTLY. Azuma would be a PERFECT Dorian Gray.

Meanwhile i’d actually see Tsumugi as Basil Halward on this one? the painter who genuinely loved Dorian and would act as an angel on his shoulder, so much so he was the first person Dorian shut away because as he mentioned, Basil was the person who could see right into his soul? I feel like for once we could actually use up Tsumugi’s angelic predisposition in order to have him play a positive role for once, and the whole “seeing right into his soul” can fit into Tsumugi’s psych analysis background.

My hot take: Hisoka as Henry Wotton. Hisoka is perfect to act out the role of the “bad influence” in general i think, considering how he is to start with, and considering Dorian and Wotton are birds of feathers, people who recognize each other in each other’s eyes, i would see Azuma and Hisoka play out a twisted version of their dynamic. Where in real life, their similarities, especially in the way they mishandled things, made them more able to see through it and get better, we could use the Dorian/Wotton’s dynamic to show the exact opposite. The What If, instead, they had worsened each other by pushing each other further into their bad coping mechanisms instead of calling them out. To also drive the subtext of the novel home, Hisoka would double playing the Devil Dorian made a deal with. 

HOT hot take: Tasuku as Sibyl Vane. A talented actress and singer whom Dorian fell in love with, until Sibyl fell so in love with Dorian she could no longer find pleasure to act because of how her true love for Dorian couldn’t compare to acting. Which eventually drove her to suicide when Dorian didn’t love her anymore. The Actor Addict thematic here and twisting it even further. If we take the thematic of how Azuma and Hisoka could have been a bad influence on each other, this would be taking the same twisted as to indulge in what would be Tasuku’s worst case scenario. 

Then i’d say Guy could make a very good James Vane, Sibyl’s brother, as he would be Sibyl’s keeper, looking out for her, devoted to protect her, and knowing Dorian would be a bad influence on Sibyl, so much so that when Sibyl kills herself, James swears to hunt Dorian down. I feel like the devotion aspect could fit Guy a lot, though it could also fit Homare.

Then honestly i’d feel like all the roles left in the novel could be expendable for a stage adaptation but i’d say eventually Alan Campbell could be the one on which the others storylines merges on, an old friend of Dorian who ends up unable to cope with how Dorian murdered Basil.  That being said i could see like, Tsuzuru fixing things around and making this role matter a little more in the grand scheme of things, but i’m going to put it on Homare for the fact most of the characters remaining being intellectuals who were directly into Dorian’s sphere and suffered from his existence. 

So yeah i kinda studied Dorian Gray a little too hard today and this is my casting of the day. That said, “yeah they’d slay a Dorian Gray adaptation” was thought of before i thought “wait hold on that’s actually unsalvageable, you cannot make a Dorian Gray adaptation that’s not incredibly depressing, no way they’d put that on stage, the themes only work as a mockery of a3′s themes”, but, hey. Here.

Take the juice from the last minute of my study brain I GUESS.

[drconstellation]

Option 4. is The Metatron showed Aziraphale the "Death" option off-camera, and it was too awful to contemplate - as in no option at all. My theory is the concept art of the book shop surrounded by destruction was related to that.

I've had an idea that perhaps we should consider the coffee shop in terms of the Rapture, since just about everything about the coffee shop points to Heaven (blue and gold color scheme, lion brand coffee, and the link to Hawaii, plus Nina's mirroring abusive relationship that remotely dials it in, and I'm sure we can find more) and if we start weaving all the clues to the Second Coming into S2 the name of the shop also reflects what will happen during the Rapture - you can either chose the elixir of life (coffee!) or you can chose the finality of eternal damnation, er I mean death (and if you are addicted to coffee you certainly feel like death if you don't get it...)

But with the Rapture, you don't get a choice. The choice is already made for you, in the Book of Life.

Similarly, the Metatron gave Aziraphale a choice that was not a choice, and he recognized that. Which explains Aziraphale's worried look as he crosses the road.

The following conversation in the book shop is...complicated. I don't know that we'll understand it fully until S3. I've seen several very good metas on it that have helped me understand it, and I have to say they were very long so I can't summarize them here, but some of that is still based on assumption - assumption of Crowley's pre-Fall angel status, assumption of what the Metatron really told Aziraphale during their "chin-wag," assumption that Aziraphale is trying to equivocate or hide a message to Crowley because he thinks the Metatron is watching and listening in to their conversation and Crowley just isn't getting it this time - there are too many unknowns. The only thing we are sure of is mistakes were made. And they had to happen - for the good of the characters and the good of the story, as much as it hurts.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging it has left you baffled and hurt. It hurtled out of nowhere and t-boned us like a massive car crash we didn't see coming. That pain is called grief, its how we deal with sudden change, usually a change we have had no control over. Now, we could make some facetious remarks about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief, but the main thing is the final stage is acceptance - acceptance of the change that has occurred. It gets easier over time, and I think we have lots of good stuff to look forward to in S3, so I'm dwelling so much on that part of the story, but think the best metas have hashtags such as #the final fifteen minutes and #the kiss so they would be the ones I'd be searching for to understand more.

Could someone explain this to me

Aziraphale didn’t want to go to heaven. The Metatron offered him the job of Archangel and he said no (“I don’t want to go back. Where will I get my coffee?”) Then the Metatron said Crowley could come back to heaven with him. This seems to change Aziraphale’s mind. So when he tells Crowley and Crowley refuses, why didn’t that change Aziraphale’s mind about going? I know there is a large part of the conversation between Aziraphale and the Metatron we didn’t see. I just find it odd that Aziraphale went from “I don’t want to go back” to ok if Crowley is part of the deal to I’m leaving my life partner to go run/fix heaven. I need some clarity!!

[smallestapplin]

Could I get Professor Sycamore x plus sized reader who is feeling insecure about the way that they look. So he decided to show them how much he loves them. Or he wants them to sit on his face and they are worried about hurting him but he insists he’ll be fine

I too have a sickness for the thickness.

🔞18+Only!🔞

Fem reader

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Professor Sycamore is a very gorgeous man.

You know this, he knows this, everyone in Kalos knows this. Not only is he so pretty to look at, he’s also very naturally charming.

So why did he settle for you? You can’t help but think that as you look in the mirror. He could have anyone in Kalos, yet he picked you, you aren’t petite, he can’t lift you up like he could one of the models around, so why?

“Ah I recognize that face, what has you upset my flower?”

You jump slightly, having not heard him come in. You turn towards your boyfriend, trying to subtly hide your form.

“I didn’t know you’d be home so early.”

“You aren’t changing the question my love. I was hoping to surprise you! And I see you’re dressed so prettily, yet you don’t look happy about it.”

Sycamore wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you close against him as he leaves little kisses along your neck, up to your cheek, and stoping at the corner of your lips.

“Now, answer my question.” His voice was gentle yet firm.

“ I just….I don’t know what you see in me.” Your voice cracks a little as you try to hide your face.

“I’m just, I’m so-“

“Finish that sentence and we will have to brawl.”

Your watery chuckle gives him hope.

“You’re my darling flower, my sweet love, I adore you and everything about you.”

Sycamore tenderly grabs your tilts and makes you look at him, his lips gently press against yours as if he’s trying to pour all his love into you with this kiss.

His hands move down and grab the meat of your thighs, pulling your body flush against his.

You break the kiss “w-wait! I’m too heavy!-“

The look the professor gave you was like you just insulted his lively hood. Next thing you know you’re on top of him on your shared bed.

“My sweet, I’m truly insulted you’d say such a thing! If you aren’t fully seated on my face I didn’t do a good job. Hell if you break my neck in the process.” Sycamore doesn’t finish his sentence, but the full body shudder and moan tells you how he feels about that.

“Please, let me show you how a real man pleases his beloved. I want you on my face, please, I’m nothing but a chair for your love.”

“Augustine, wait-“

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” You squeal at the feeling of his hands gripping your thighs, and yanking you up, forcing you up higher on his body.

“Ooo! So close! Another pull and you’ll be on my face.”

He sounds so excited. Your new pajama set seems to be doing it for him.

“Okay okay, just, give me a moment.” You look away from his giddy gaze and carefully move yourself over his face.

“Dearest I believe I said ‘sit’ on my face, not hover.”

You didn’t have time to respond before he pulled you down, now fully seated on his face. However your underwear is in the way but he doesn’t seem to mind yet.

You can feel your face flush at the sound of him inhaling your scent, and the feeling of his nuzzling closer, his tongue licking you through the thin material.

His hands keep you on him, sycamore gives you no room to move away. The scratchy feeling of his stubble against your inner thighs adds to the feelings of your dampening panties.

“You smell so good my beloved, I’m addicted to you in every way.” His voice muffled against your flesh, but the vibrations of his low voice rumble against your wet heat.

“Augustine, please.”

“Oh? Are you addicted to me as I am to you? I hope so.” A loud ripping sound echoes in the room.

You don’t get time to scold him from ripping your new panties off as his tongue bullies its way to your clit.

With a soft moan you grind against his face, a moan of his own vibrating against you. Sycamore moves to lower himself slightly, his nose now butting against your clit with each debauched sound both of you make.

He can’t help it, you taste so good, and the weight of you on his face, grinding for more pleasure, is making him lose it, he wants more! He needs more!

“Augustine! Mm, fuck!”

His tongue licks and inserts itself into your dripping cunt, wanting to lick and slurp up every drop you have to offer. One hand slides up your body, pulling and pinching at one of your tits, while the other moves closer to in between you two to add more controlled pressure to your pulsing nub.

“Fuuuck, s’good, you taste so good, so perfect.”

You lose control of your hips, his words and lewd wet sounds finally getting to you. You arch your back, crying out and losing yourself in all the pleasure he gives you.

Sycamore moans loudly at the feeling of you cumming on his face, he’s dreamed of this so much. The dreams could never compare to how beautiful you look and sound, grinding your perfect pussy against his face.

You finally stop moving, gripping the headboard to move off your boyfriends equally wrecked face.

“Arceus above that was magnificent, your beauty it truly radiant! So magnificent! Fuck, you taste so good, you’re truly a goddess!”

You flush at his praise, but you’re too tired to argue back. You settle for laying down, exhausted from your orgasm.

“Can we do that again?”

“Augustine, my sweetheart, please.”

The professor laughs softly “right, I truly love you. Do you want to take a bath?”

“But I’m-“

And like all night tonight, you’re cut off, being lifted by the giddy man.

“I must show you just how much I love you! And how desirable I find you!”

You’re in for a long night.

[future-dregs]

Keeping The Fantasy Alive.

(Or, my breakdown of the episode, Life With Father)

All through the episode Hawkeye is seeking a diversion. (The previous episode being the one in which they believed Trapper would be going home, which brought forth all sorts of clumsy emotions that had to then be hastily restuffed once they realized he was staying, this comes as no surprise).

Saddened at his lack of mail (he's lonely he's at loose ends, he doesn't have anyone or anything to keep him company), Hawkeye grabs onto a junk flyer marked 'current occupant' and he and Trapper spend the rest of the episode trying to find the hidden presidents on the sheet, and thus win themselves the prize of a shetland pony.

They keep the paper with them constantly, examining it under a microscope, even taking it into the X-ray room with them. They discuss names for their pony, and make jokes about taking photographs with and of it.

At the end, Hawkeye even manages to procure a horse from…somewhere.

He rides in, declares to Trapper that its "practice" for their pony, Trapper takes a running jump, loops his arms around Hawkeye's waist, and they ride off out of camp.

This is all a distraction, that Trapper willing plays into, that everything is fine and dandy and there's no problems whatsoever except for where the last damn president is at.

Hawkeye is particularly petulant in this episode, snatching papers, pouting, and using a remarkably childish voice whenever he says the word "pony".

He's not outright clingy, but he wants Trapper's attention and company. Trapper (I think) can very easily recognize this as his emotional defensive behavior coming out to bat, and so willingly gives it, slipping seamlessly into Hawkeye's childlike fantasy of owning a pony all their own (doesn't every kid want a pony? Not a horse, a pony). He goes along with it, playing pretend.

Both men know they won't actually get the pony, even if they did manage to be the ones selected for the winning prize there's no way in hell it'd get shipped out here, but both are also unwilling to do anything at all to break the illusion.

This is a fantasy land. Where knights come in on white chargers, persistence is rewarded, everthing is seen through a dewy celluloid film, and nothing unpleasant happens.

Trapper is shown multiple times over to be the clearheaded one. He'll goof off and have fun and try to ignore and forget things just as much as the next guy, but he cannot delude himself. There would be no ceasefire, war doesn't just end in a way he can get away from, and he and Hawkeye rely on alcohol far too much to be anything but addicted to it.

He can't fully give himself over to fantasy, losing himself in it for a few precious moments the way Hawkeye can. (It is in fact this reason that Hawkeye can indulge this in himself at all. Because Trapper is there to tether him back down).

But the thing is...he'd seen Hawkeye.

He'd seen his face light up when he realized that the ulcer meant (so they'd thought) safety and trip home and a way out, a way to be sure of his survival. And he'd seen it fall a second later, though quickly masked, when Hawkeye's brain caught up with his elation and he realized what this also meant...that he would be alone.

He'd seen professional concern transform into giddiness, fall into a quick despair and then hurriedly morph itself back into a facimilated happiness, with only little cracks splintering at the edges to give him away.

And he'd seen him at his farewell party, red rimmed and cracking jokes, trying to keep the party moving so that he didn't drown in it. When he'd made his announcement, he'd glanced over, and seen the mask shatter.

Trapper couldn't go home, and Hawkeye was crushed.

He was also vulnerable. He'd brought his emotions, his true feelings, up to the front, he'd been about as honest and unguarded as he'd ever been, not knowing if he'd have another chance, and now Trapper was staying. The honesty creating an uncomfortable home for them to live in, and Trapper could see Hawkeye immediately begin damage control, stuffing things back down again to a level where he felt safe.

And Trapper knows this, he sees all of it. So the very next opportunity he can, he indulges Hawkeye.

He feeds the whim, and he let's there be playtimes and fancies and idyllic white horses, for a day.

[goldentournesol]

to be true, to not be true (epilogue)

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary: early in y/n’s and spencer’s relationship, y/n fears the growing distance between them, although what seemed to be possible infidelity, is actually much worse–for spencer.

Length: 1k

A/N: i wrote this in collaboration with one of my favorite writers on here, Mia over at @mggpleasedontlookhere​. we are very proud of this one :) HERE’S THE FINALE!

masterlist part 1 part 2

I was afraid the chocolate he got me would taste sour, but it was luscious. I found comfort in the sweetness, just as I had found comfort in Spencer. It’s been a week since his confession. I also couldn’t help but feel a little ridiculous in my accusations. I had jumped to conclusions and couldn’t see the signs of my boyfriend in pain. The guilt ate away at me for a while, but Spencer let me know that he had been hiding it to the best of his ability. I eventually told him that I wanted to be the one he ran to when he was in pain. Both of us had our fair share of issues with vulnerability and insecurity, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t work through them together.

And so, here I sat, my head in his lap, his hand in my hair like all those weeks ago. This time, when our gazes met, there were no underlying feelings. No words left unsaid. The air was finally cleared and we could finally breathe. The air tasted sweeter somehow, now that I understood fully. The past week was not easy. Reconciliation was a bumpy road and I was not prepared for the ride. Spencer and I are stubborn, proud individuals. I had almost kicked him out of my apartment that night. I had almost ended the relationship right then and there. What else was I supposed to do when he’d said such vicious things?

But he’d seen the crack in my armor. The room was heavy with the guilt I felt and my subsequent tears were even heavier. The tears fell free before I could even tell them not to. His behavior made sense. I saw it then, he’d squint if the room was too bright and would often ask me to turn the TV volume down. His stories had become less animated, he had become less animated. He was going to sleep much earlier than he usually did. I should have caught on, but I just assumed that his long days had taken a toll on him. Spencer was no stranger to overworking himself.

He explained that he’d gone to countless doctors and I expressed how upset it made me that he was going through all that on his own. I could have been there for him, I could have supported him, but he wasn’t used to having someone to lean on. He was his own protection all his life, and I understood that. I made it clear that he had someone to lean on now, someone who loved him and looked after him.

The doctors had trouble diagnosing him so he referred to a renowned geneticist. She was one of the greatest minds in her field apparently. It was a she, after all, and she had a name. Maeve Donovan. It was easier to have a name. It personified her. She was less of an abstract being and more of a person. I thought about how much of my time and energy she’d unknowingly spent before I even knew who she was. Or I guess I was the one who’d spent it.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, looking up at Spencer, who was focused on the TV now. He finally had the weekend off after finishing a case in Wisconsin. I’d been tasked by Dr. Donovan to make sure that he’s getting at least eight hours of sleep each night. He’d been good at going to bed on time, his issue was with staying asleep more than going to sleep, anyway.

“I’ve been better, but to be honest, I’ve also been much worse.” He shrugged. Spencer’s eyes were never unkind, his soul was too kind to let them show anything other than that. Even now, his eyes were soft, even softer due to the dim light in my apartment.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” I sat up to face him. I’d been doing my own research on migraines. Mostly how to relieve pain. Dr. Donovan also mentioned a series of supplements that he had to keep track of. I’ve made sure to incorporate more vitamin-enriched foods into our diet as well as made sure to keep him adequately hydrated.

I recognized the mischief in his eyes before he could even get a word out, “Actually, I think it’s time for my hourly dose of kisses.”

I threw my head back in a hearty laugh before cupping his face gingerly and bringing it closer to mine, “Who am I to deny you your medication?”

His grin was contagious, it went straight to my heartstrings and I felt weightless when he looked at me like that. His hands were perched on my waist and I brushed our noses together once before sealing our lips.

Together we lived in the clouds, sharing the same bubble. We’ve finally rebuilt the fantasy we had before, although this time a newfound trust had formed. However, that is not to say that everything was instantly perfect. Frankly, I think that the inexperience and the unknown is what gives beauty to this world, our world. To me, anything with him was perfect, no matter what the great philosophers say. But they were right in one aspect: defining voluntary ignorance.

The bliss I felt in our intimate space was addicting, it turned my brain into gullible mush. I didn’t want to believe that eternity didn’t exist. How can it not when it feels like this? I refuse to believe it. But harsh reality does not lie, it is only ourselves willing to fall for it. One day, Spencer’s arms would no longer be around me, and his lips would no longer brush softly against mine. The bubble would shatter like glass, the deception following suit. But for now, this lie was a silent agreement between Spencer and I. No matter the blissful ignorance we shared between us; no matter the ignorance of Spencer’s remaining lucidity, I knew this was the only lie we wished to be true.

[volturiwolf]

The Volturi Princess - A Felix Volturi x fem!Reader Story (part 1)

A/N: This is the first Volturi- and Twilight-related story I ever started writing and it is quite long and elaborated/complex, as I tend to overanalyze in many parts. I have wrote a few parts until now and I'll be uploading them in the future. I have been quite emotional throughout writing it, trying to understand the reader's point of view.

A/N 2: I'm sorry if something doesn't make sense. English is not my first language. I also include Italian through the story, with translation, but I'm not a native or a speaker, so I'd like to apologize in advance to those who speak Italian. Enjoy :)

A/N 3: According to "The Amagi" on Youtube, Felix was born in 250 BC (their thumbnail), so I used that in my story.

No of Words: about 5347

Mentions of: Abandonment, Abortion, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Coma/Comatosed State, Death Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Physical Pain, Gaslighting, Greece/Greek Language - with translation, Heartbreak, Italian Language - with translation, Manipulation, Murder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Suffering, Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Language, Throwing Up/Puking, Witches/Wizards/Witchcraft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My heart felt heavy. I may have just escaped the cruelest vampire of all, but I also ran away from the love of my life, my mate, the only person who could fully understand me in this world. I asked him to run away with me, but, although our bond was strong, he felt obliged to stay loyal to his master, his creator. I drove as fast as I could, away from the sunny Volterra, and away from him.

-------------------------------------------------------

(Y/N) grew up quite privileged, in Vampire terms. Being born into the Volturi coven was something many vampires could only dream about. (Y/N) was abandoned by her parents when she was a baby, but Aro, one of the three Volturi leaders, took her under his protection, and offered her more things than she could ever have imagined. After all, she was his only biological granddaughter, the “Volturi princess”, an heiress to the throne; her mother lost that “privilege” when she met and fell in love with a wizard.

(Y/N)’s mother soon got pregnant with her, and then later turned her husband into a vampire to help her with her pregnancy, and stay together forever. However, (Y/N)’s parents couldn’t raise her because they wanted to run free and careless, not commit to anything permanent, so Aro took over and raised his granddaughter with the highest honors and privileges, “as a princess should be raised”.

(Y/N) was a mix of Vampire, Witch and Human, due to the grandmother, Sulpicia, being human when Aro found her; Sulpicia later fell pregnant with (Y/N)’s mother, and Aro transformed her to vampire, as he had planned all along. Aro raised (Y/N) according to his own rules and morals, teaching her how to kill humans to feed from, how to attack and slip away from her opponents, how to lead other vampires, and most importantly, how to keep her identity and existence a secret, not only to humans, but other non-Volturi vampires as well. No one could know that there was a possibility of a vampire having a child with a human, and that the child could be effectively controlled and raised as a regular vampire.

As (Y/N) grew older and older, reaching the human age of 25 within 7 years of her birth, Aro would spend more and more time with her, examining and studying her possibilities and her potential powers’ development. (Y/N) grew up to be extremely strong and fast, an excellent tracker with great intelligence and understanding of the world around her. However, Aro could not risk sending her to “Volturi duties”. She was his hope for a stronger coven; with (Y/N) in the throne, Aro felt like he could conquer the vampire world with ease.

That’s why he was always searching for the best guards he could find, to protect the coven and do his work instead of himself, Caius, or (Y/N). He couldn’t rely on Marcus, as he proved to be too emotional since Didyme died, but was still valuable for his plan. Caius, on the other hand, although powerless, was far more sadistic and “diligent” in following vampire rules, and (Y/N)... (Y/N) was just too obedient, following every order Aro gave her - a strong asset for the Volturi.

Aro was changing guards and trackers quite easily, disposing them when they were no longer needed or when he found better ones. He needed talented and strong vampires to serve the coven and do their work.

Chelsea was the very first vampire Aro created solely to serve the Volturi, after recognizing her potential when she was human. Chelsea’s gift of relationship manipulation was truly useful in bringing new vampires into the coven and was used thousands of times during Volturi's reign. It could also easily dispose of them, making their bonds with other vampires break at will; those vampires were isolated by the other vampires and then killed - Aro couldn’t risk letting them get away knowing the Volturi’s secrets and life.

About 100 years later, Corin joined the Volturi, just a couple decades after (Y/N)’s birth. Corin’s gift of addictive contentment was the one which kept Marcus in the Volturi after Didyme’s death - along with Chelsea’s to make him committed to Aro’s greater plans, and was also used on Sulpicia, Athenadora and any other vampire in the Volturi guard to keep them satisfied being in the Volturi. Under Aro’s instructions, Corin was keeping Chelsea content with being in the Volturi, and Chelsea was keeping Corin loyal to them, each of them using their gifts against each other, without their knowledge.

Sometime between 230 and 220 BC, while travelling in Rome, searching for additional vampires to add to the coven, Aro supposedly met a young, strong and ambitious fighter, who wished to become a gladiator one day, named Felix. Felix did not only look, but also was physically capable of fighting even with beasts, during his short time as a fighter, way before the Colosseum was built. Born into a poor family, his strength was his only way of making money, and becoming a gladiator was his only way out of poverty, a way to provide for both his family and himself.

When his family was almost imprisoned by Roman army officers for outstanding debts, Felix was forced to make a deal with them to fight, in whatever they ordered him to. Fighting turned out to be the only way for Felix to deal with his emotions and rage towards people in power. When Aro approached Felix, he was promised a good life, where he wouldn’t have to worry about surviving another day. Felix did not seem willing enough, not being fond of the idea of serving people in power, who he so despised.

Luckily for Aro, Chelsea was the one who “convinced” Felix to join the Volturi guard, with Aro changing him afterwards. Unlike previous guards, Felix showed impeccable strength, speed and talent towards both dodging and initiating attacks, eventually making him a permanent member in the Volturi Guard, along with Chelsea and Corin.

Felix was assigned as the leading guard for the three kings’ protection, this role extending to the protection of their two wives and (Y/N); though Aro knew that, if it came to anyone attacking his granddaughter, she would be able to handle it by herself. However, he still wanted to make sure that she was safe and that Aro would do anything to protect her.

For about a couple millennias, (Y/N) was content with her situation, being the “Volturi princess” and all that. Besides, having Felix in the Volturi was another reason to stay in the coven, apart from staying loyal and true to Aro for taking her in, when she was abandoned.

Every time Felix looked into her eyes, she felt her whole body burn - though, it wasn’t a feeling of suffering, rather a feeling of longing, waiting for something to happen so badly that her body couldn’t control itself. Although she was partially a vampire, (Y/N) would feel like she couldn’t breathe, like her legs were ready to give up on her, like she wanted to grab Felix and never let go.

Felix, although not admitting it even to himself, would feel the same way, but he knew that his position would not allow him to approach (Y/N) in such a way. He was just a guard - although he was the strongest of them all, and she was the Volturi princess, one of his masters, whom he was only allowed to approach in order to protect. He didn’t want Aro to know he saw his granddaughter like that; it could cost him his position in the guard, or even his life. So, he kept these feelings deep within him, not allowing them to resurface, or act upon them.

However, every time these two existed at the same place, the invisible sparks between them would fly left and right. And only one vampire was able to see them. One who hadn’t felt these sparks in centuries.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Y/N)’s POV:

I yawned loudly as I woke from a long, much needed sleep. I was the only vampire around who was able to sleep, mostly due to my non-vampire natures. I didn't really need to sleep on a regular basis, but when I did, I could literally sleep 3 days straight and nobody would be able to wake me up. “For my own protection”, as Aro said, I would always have at least two guards outside of my room’s door, in case anything happened while I was sleeping. Like what could even happen? My room was at the furthest side of this huge castle. I’m pretty sure that if there ever was an attack against the Volturi, it would most probably have been dealt with immediately, and the attacker wouldn’t make it anywhere near my room.

I felt the warm sun on my skin, slightly glowing and sparkling beautifully. My eyes, mostly (Y/E/C) with a golden ring around the pupil, could easily adjust to the light. Unlike the other vampires, I could easily live among humans; I could sleep, eat human food, my skin not being as sparkly as others, and I could control my thirst far better than others.

Since Jane and Alec joined the coven, Aro would show an immense interest in them and their skills, helping them train daily and develop their powers further, eventually forgetting about me. I would spend more and more days away from the castle, “protected” by my anonymity, getting to know humans more and more. The longer I was observing them, the more they would trigger my interest in them. They could feel true emotions, real pain, real hurt, real love. They had their families, they received an unconditional love that I could never have.

Unbeknownst to Aro or anyone else for that matter, I have started developing new powers, similar to the other vampires in the Volturi coven or anyone else outside of it. I have also started noticing that I may have an immunity towards others’ talents, feeling that neither Corin’s addictive contentment made me satisfied with being in the Volturi, nor Chelsea’s relationship manipulation could keep me loyal to Aro anymore. If it weren’t for Felix, or Demetri and the Twins, who have all become my best friends by now, I would have probably left.

A vampire named Carlisle Cullen had visited the Volturi and stayed with us for a while, about 100 years ago. He saw the way the Volturi treated humans like they were nothing, and how they were as cruel as to kill other vampires, with the excuse that they were exposing our kind with the way they lived. Entire covens had been wiped out due to such excuses, a way to eliminate potential enemies from becoming too powerful and find as many talented vampires as possible and force them to join the Volturi.

Carlisle was talking about a new way of life, where vampires wouldn’t have to kill humans to survive, a life where vampires and humans could live in peace, without harming each other. He was insisting that vampires could survive on animal blood just as efficiently as with human blood; that animal blood would not make them weaker, and that it would be a much more ethical and sustainable way to feed.

Of course, Aro and Caius were the first ones to mock his proposition, clearly not caring about humans’ feelings and pain. Marcus did not budge at all, his heartache making him indifferent to anything around him. But I was growing more and more interested in this alternative way of life; I was, after all, feeding on human food already, so that I was feeding on human blood as little as I could.

It was a few years after Carlisle left Volterra that Eleazar joined the Volturi. Aro forced him to join after finding out he could detect if someone had any special ability. Aro considered his gift useful in identifying if any of his enemies had any special power when in battles, or when he sent Eleazar around the world to recruit talented vampires.

Eleazar was clearly not liking the way the Volturi forced their ways and wants on others, and how they could take advantage of others for their own benefit. I could just sense that he was displeased and was forcing himself to stay in the coven, one, due to Corin’s and Chelsea’s gifts, and two, out of fear of what could happen to him and his mate, Carmen.

Carmen, a vampire from Spain, like Eleazar, met with Eleazar while he was a guard here, they fell in love, and eventually, Eleazar decided to leave the Volturi and run away with Carmen. Aro decided that he did not care about him and his gift as much as others’, so he let him go unharmed, “blessing” them for safe travels.

Just a few days before he left, I consulted him on my own powers. Though a lower member of the guard, Eleazar had his own room, a decent place to stay, and spend his endless hours in. I knocked slightly on the door.

“Come in”, a calm voice was heard. I opened the door and came into his room. Carmen was sitting on the edge of their bed and Eleazar was reading a book on his desk. They both smiled sweetly. I just felt and knew they were too nice to fit anywhere in here, among the cruel and strict Volturi.

“(Y/N)! So nice to see you!”Carmen exclaimed and stood to hug me. The second we hugged I started seeing parts of her life in Spain, the calm waters of Catalunya, the vast vineyards where she would spend the early years of her life… I quickly detached myself from her embrace. I just couldn’t invade her privacy like that. She and Eleazar both looked at me worried, as if I had offended them.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t let you “show” me your whole life like that!” I looked at Carmen apologetically.

“(Y/N), you saw Carmen’s life?” Eleazar continued, intrigued by my words.

“That’s why I came to talk to you. I..I feel like I’ve been developing a gift, or a few gifts, to be completely honest. And I feel like.. like I have a specific power one day, and another power the next!” I stated frantically.

It was the first time I have openly talked about my powers to anyone, and I was shaking just by the words that came out of my mouth. Eleazar did not say anything, he just stood there for a few minutes, I supposed “examining” me, as if a doctor checking on a patient.

“Remarkable.” He said calmly. He looked at his mate with excitement, as if he just discovered a lost treasure. “(Y/N) has one of the most remarkable gifts I have ever seen.” He then turned to me. “You, (Y/N), are able to copy anyone else’s gifts and keep them as your own. You don’t even have to be in contact with them. Just by meeting someone, you can obtain their powers. I have never met anyone like that. You also seem to have obtained immunity to others’ powers, kind of like a shield. I have met such vampires before. From the stories Aro has been telling, your mother was like that. It is likely that you copied that gift for her. Such vampires are extremely useful to themselves or even others, in battles. Like themselves, you can use your gift to protect others from others’ powers, beside yourself.”

That came too sudden to my ears. I have assumed that I may have at least one power, but I didn’t realise I could copy others’ powers. That is why I was showing signs of Aro’s power!

“How can I train my powers? Eleazar! Carmen! You have to help me!”

“As you know, we will be leaving soon. I don’t know if there will be enough time to train you.”

“It’s okay. We will train as much as you want. Please, Eleazar! Please, Carmen!” I started begging them. As if they were hypnotized, they quickly looked at each other and agreed to help me.

The next few days, before Eleazar and Carmen’s departure, included intense training, far away from Volterra, deep in the woods, where no human could interrupt us. I couldn’t say the same for vampires, but I hoped nobody would cross paths with us. Eleazar and Carmen helped me develop my self-control and self-awareness, concentrating through the deepest parts of my mind, resurfacing my shield and expanding it beyond my existence. I started to have control over it, as if it was an actual solid substance, a veil floating around me towards any direction I ordered it to go.

After Eleazar and Carmen left, I started travelling the world more, trying to copy as many powers as I could come across with, while also training my shield. My excitement for the endless possibilities was what kept me going - kind of when Aro would add another talented vampire to his Guard. His Guard. Felix. I wonder how he was. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I wondered if he thought of me like I thought of him.

After travelling pretty much anywhere I could reach, I eventually went back to where it all started: I went to Greece. Aro met Sulpicia here, apparently my mom met my dad here. Maybe I could find out, understand why they left me. I have never met them, but I felt as if my tracking skills could detect them through my own existence.

I started travelling through the country, hoping that they stayed here or, at least, that they’re alive. I spent about 2 or 3 years in Greece, trying to take in every different place, while also avoiding the battles that seemed to take place in every other corner. I was feeding off animals mainly, mostly when I couldn’t find any other human food. I was washing myself in rivers, streams, whatever I could find.

I was stopping by any village that seemed to be still standing, asking about the current situation. The Greek Revolution, which started a few years ago, seemed to still be going on. The Ottomans, who had been occupying Greece for almost 400 years, could not allow Greeks to turn against them and start claiming their rights within the Ottoman Empire.

Many Greeks I met and talked to, admitted that some of the Ottomans were actually being nice to them; it was only the Ottoman government ordering their armies to execute massive massacres against Greeks, and after all this time, a few Greeks started gathering up and planning a revolution, away from Greece, in fear of being caught. They started getting organized and finding possible allies to help them with the Revolution; they just couldn’t risk getting caught within the country that they were hoping the independent Greece could become. The battles were becoming more and more intense, both on the mainland, as well as on the islands.

I started looking for answers, anything that could suggest that my parents were still alive and somewhere in Greece. To my surprise, I crossed paths with many Greek nomad vampires all over the country. They were also fighting against either Ottoman vampires or each other for territorial claims; however, they all talked me out of travelling north, towards Macedonia. The region had started being reclaimed back by Greek humans, but vampires were also seeing the potential for the area and they fought against each other for the land.

All of the nomads I encountered were talking about some of the most vicious vampires claiming the land, their enemies being literally slaughtered and burned to set an example for other vampires to back off their territory. I was intrigued, and I knew that, most probably, I would be able to deal with them or flee before they got to me.

So, I started travelling north, through the woods and mountains, in order to avoid any possible battle between humans, though many of them seemed to hide in the mountains, preparing for their battles. Macedonia was a quite big and vast region, so I had to travel quite a few days and search every possible corner.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I was feeling exhausted from all the searching. I haven’t fed in quite some time, and my throat was burning by the familiar need for blood. I haven’t seen any animals all these days, and I was wondering if they were gone or hiding.

Sadly, I came across a human. He seemed to be wounded, probably during a battle, his blood gushing out of his body. I couldn’t help myself, when I breathed in the smell, the burning sensation becoming unbearable. I thought of approaching him slowly, so as not to scare him, offering to help him, but deep down I just wanted to feed off of him.

“Γειά! Συγνώμη αν σε τρόμαξα. Σε είδα από μακριά. Μπορώ να σε βοηθήσω με κάποιο τρόπο; (Hey! Sorry if I scared you. I saw you from afar. Can I help you in any way?)” I offered calmly.

The man was trying to suppress his growls. I could sense his pain. I tried to help him stand on his feet, and then I saw all of his memories. He was in the army, fighting alongside Greeks against the Ottomans, in Macedonia, just outside of Thessaloniki. I didn’t even know I was so close to a city, let alone Thessaloniki.

He was trying to pass through the woods, when he came across what seemed to be two red-eyed vampires, one male and one female. They tried to attack him, but someone else managed to shoot him first, forcing the two vampires to run away. I don’t know how or why, these two felt familiar to me, I could feel that through his memories.

“Γειά! Μπορείς.. Μπορείς να πας στο κοντινότερο χωριό; Νομίζω.. Νομίζω ότι είδα κάτι στο δάσος, δε νομίζω ότι ήταν κάτι φυσιολογικό! Πρέπει.. Πρέπει να προειδοποιήσω τους άλλους! (Hey! Can.. Can you get me to the nearest village? I think.. I think I saw something in the woods, I don’t think it was something normal! I have.. I have to warn the others!)” He mumbled in between sharp shoots of pain.

“Με συγχωρείς πολύ! (I’m really sorry!)” I plead with guilty eyes. I put my hand in his wound, searching for the bullet, while he was consumed by pain. I took the bullet out of the wound, and quickly attached my lips on his skin, sucking the blood as fast as I could, biting deeply unintentionally. His screams were becoming louder and louder, so I covered his mouth with my hand, while trying to shut him up or break his jaw. A few seconds later, he stopped screaming, and I let his lifeless body fall, completely numb and drained out of blood.

I felt renewed, his blood travelling to every part of my body and giving me a new kind of strength that I haven’t felt in a while. I still felt guilty for killing him, but he was already wounded and I couldn’t risk him exposing our kind to others. I assumed that whoever found him - if anyone found him - would also assume that he died of blood loss, so I tried to position him in a realistic pose for that purpose, as best as I could. I left him there, and continued the search for my parents.

--------------------------------------------------------

I was running through the woods, trying to locate the two vampires from the guy’s memories. My mind was chaotic, I wasn’t thinking about something specific. I stopped in my tracks. What Aro taught me, and what I understood from Demetri’s tracking skills, is that you have to stop, take a breath and realize your position in the world. Then, you would be able to realize everything around you and find your targets. I have successfully found other vampires like that before, vampires who I have either met in person or smelled their scent, but I didn’t know if I could find someone through someone else’s memories of them.

I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate as best as I could, focusing on the smaller details of the guy’s memories of these vampires. I felt two vampires running on my west, about 10 kilometers away, and I ran after them. They were running fast, but I was way faster. Within a minute or two, I was running right behind their tracks. They must have realized that a stranger was following them, but, instead of running, they suddenly stopped. I stopped as well, and we were now facing each other.

The female had long, brunette, curly hair, and the male short, dark brown, straight hair; both of their hair looked shiny, healthy, and rich. They were of average height and their eyes were piercing red, as if they also fed quite recently. The female was exceptionally beautiful and enchanting; I could only compare her to Heidi’s exceptional beauty. The male looked quite stoic and austere, though still beautiful.

Both of them on defensive positions, waiting for me to attack. I wasn’t planning to move any further from my position; I was only waiting for their own reactions. I felt that kind of a burning sensation within me again, like a feeling buried deep inside me, trying to find an escape.

Suddenly, the male growled at me, flames springing out of his hands, and being thrown at me. I felt my heart fall out of my chest, fearing that this would be my end. As if my body reacted on its own, I felt my own shield extending out of my body, building a wall around me and protecting me from the male’s attack. My hands started burning and flames came out, ready to counterattack the male. The male looked at the female, dumbfounded by what he witnessed, still in a defensive position, but ready to attack again.

“I’M NOT HERE TO FIGHT YOU!” I shouted at both of them. “I’M JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE!”

The male shrinked back, the female following close by. “Who are you looking for? We haven’t seen you around. Who are you? Why are you here?” The male requested. His voice serious, but smooth at the same time; a voice I could only describe as the warm earth below their bare feet.

“No, I’m not. I come from Italy, though I think I was born around here. My name is (Y/N), I’m looking for my parents. I don’t quite remember what they look like, but I’m pretty sure that they lived around here. They abandoned me when I was a baby.”

“This has been our territory for almost 3 millennials! We would have known if any humans abandoned their offspring around here!” The female exclaimed, as if she didn’t believe a word I said. I didn’t want to tell them the whole story, but I had to show them that I didn’t mean to fight in any way.

“I never said they were humans. My mother was actually sort of a vampire, like you.”

The female started letting her guards down. “What do you mean sort of? I’ve never heard of a “sort of vampire” before!” She continued doubtfully.

“Believe me or don’t, my mother was born half vampire, half human. My dad wasn’t even a vampire before she met him. He wasn’t even human to be honest.” My eyes started stinging slightly. I could have had a good, happy life if they didn’t abandon me. I wouldn’t have to grow up with Aro.

“You said you were from Italy.” I nodded at the male, as he continued. “You never said where exactly.”

I wasn’t sure if I should tell them my real origin; I wouldn’t like them to know I was a Volturi, but I knew I needed help to find my parents. If they were actually here as long as they say, they might have known or met my parents at some point.

“Volterra. I was born here, in Greece, like my mother, but grew up in Volterra with my grandparents.” I looked down, kind of scared, kind of anxious, waiting for their next move.

The female gasped. “Are you a Volturi?!” I looked at her, straight in the eyes, swallowed, and nodded. “I know the Volturi. Who are your grandparents?”

“Aro and Sulpicia.” I answered so quietly that, if they weren’t vampires, they wouldn’t have heard me, my voice trembling slightly.

The female suddenly fell on her knees, the male wrapping his arms around her, comforting her. I didn’t know what was going on. Did I say something wrong? Were they scared? The sheer mention of the Volturi would scare a lot of vampires, but I thought that maybe these two seemed strong enough to deal with them.

The female started sobbing, no tears coming out of her red eyes, her body shaking. I felt something within me break. I felt that I didn’t want to upset them, that’s why I was hesitant in telling them who I really was. The male looked at me, pain in his eyes. I saw a familiar look. I saw me in his eyes, what I looked at in my mirror anytime I was thinking about my parents, or, sometimes, when I thought of Felix.

“Are you a half witch?” The male asked quietly. Something snapped in me. How would he know that?

“I swear, I didn’t do anything to your mate! I DIDN’T!” I shouted at the male. I didn’t want him to think that I would hurt his mate, or himself.

“I know you wouldn’t. It’s just..” He looked at his mate who had stopped sobbing, but was still down on her knees, unable to stand up. “..my mate is Aro and Sulpicia Volturi’s only daughter.”

My body tensed and shivered. If that woman is the only daughter Aro and Sulpicia ever had...could that mean..?

I took a few steps back. “AM I YOUR DAUGHTER? ARE YOU MY PARENTS?” I looked at them in disbelief.

Those were the people who abandoned me! That let me grow parentless, under Aro’s rules and directions! I was breathing heavily, in between sobs. I didn’t even realize that I set my whole body ablaze, until both vampires looked at me shocked. I didn’t feel any pain, but I couldn’t stop the flames licking my body, and in my frantic state, I started panicking even more.

The male started approaching me slowly, trying to not scare me away. “Shush, shush. You’re okay. You’re doing okay. I know how it feels at first. You’re experiencing some aspects of the life as a witch. It’s okay. Close your eyes and picture the flames in your head.” I closed my eyes and tried concentrating on the flames. “Now, imagine them burning out, becoming smaller and weaker.” I focused on the flames, imagining them weakening. After a few minutes, I felt them getting smaller and smaller, and finally disappearing. I opened my eyes slowly.

The female was standing next to the male, watching me carefully. In a quick motion, she pulled me and embraced me, stroking my hair lightly. I breathed in her scent, a mix of mountain flowers and the saltiness of the sea. Her touch was soft, and filled me up with what felt like a thousand different emotions.

But, I mostly felt safe. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt this safe. And whole. I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I hugged her back. Tears started spilling from my eyes. That was my mom! That was actually my mom! After all this time, we were finally together. I felt the male, my dad, hugging both of us, and in that moment, I felt my legs giving up on me, and I finally fell into a long sleep.

[zintranslations]

Kaleidoscope of Death, Extra 1

Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu Link to Chinese / Novel Updates

Extra: What He Is

It was an afternoon after they'd both returned to reality when Ruan Nanzhu figured out that Lin Qiushi had likely detected his little secret.

Ruan Nanzhu had nothing to do that day, and was flipping through a book on the balcony. And when he found an interesting line, he had read it out loud to Lin Qiushi.

He said, "when you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes back at you."

Lin Qiushi was napping at first, but when he heard this, he mumbled back, "anything you do unto the abyss will be reflected back at you, is that it?"

"Probably."

Ruan Nanzhu didn't think too much about it, leaning down to kiss Lin Qiushi on the mouth.

Then he heard Lin Qiushi say, "then maybe I should pull my zipper down at you…"

Ruan Nanzhu went still for a moment before chuckling quietly. In that moment, he understood that Lin Qiushi knew everything.

"That's right," was how Ruan Nanzhu answered. "So you should treat the abyss better."

Regarding the oddities in their life—at first, because all his attention had been on Ruan Nanzhu, Lin Qiushi hadn’t noticed. After Ruan Nanzhu returned though, all these oddities began gradually floating up to the surface, like icebergs hidden under the sea.

In Lin Qiushi's memories, he did not smoke. Even if he carried smokes on him, it was for the convenience of handing to others in his line of work. But after leaving the doors, he became fully an addict. He could smoke multiple packs a day, and felt none of the disparity of a first-time smoker.

And the family that had once been so distant began constantly contacting him, saying all this stuff like how much they worried about him. Bai Ming too—he was supposed to be Ruan Nanzhu's good friend, but now was acting like he’d known Lin Qiushi for years…

All these things, Lin Qiushi took in without looking in too deeply.

The answers to some questions weren't all that important to have. As long as Ruan Nanzhu was by his side, he felt like it was enough. As for what Ruan Nanzhu was…

Lin Qiushi reached out and caught his lover's earlobe in a pinch. Leaning his face in close, he murmured against Ruan Nanzhu's cheek: "My dear, what in the world are you?"

Ruan Nanzhu was reading, and glanced up at Lin Qiushi. Suddenly, he smiled.

"I'm your milk tea," he said.

Lin Qiushi, "…"

Ruan Nanzhu, "aren't you going to ask me why I'm your milk tea?"

Lin Qiushi lifted a brow. "The last time I heard this joke I was still a virgin. And now I'm already a mother of three."

And the two began to laugh, the atmosphere filled with the feeling of joy.

Ruan Nanzhu thought at first that Lin Qiushi would pursue the question, but Lin Qiushi only stretched and got up off the bed. He said he was going to take a shower, and ended the topic there.

Ruan Nanzhu watched Lin Qiushi go and parted his lips, mouthing a few words. Had Lin Qiushi turned right then, he would have found Ruan Nanzhu telling him one thing—I'm the door.

I'm the door. That's right. What Ruan Nanzhu said was, I'm the door.

He was the twelfth door.

But the truth was, prior to the night-time riot of a hundred ghosts, Ruan Nanzhu had not been aware of this fact. His memories were flawless, as if he truly was the leader of Obsidian. As if he—having started entering doors as a teenager, having surmounted countless obstacles and tribulations, and having finally made it past the tenth door with great difficulty—was a completely normal person. Ruan Nanzhu had possessed no memories regarding the doors, and had also been of the firm belief that he was a simple human.

This firm belief of his, after the night of a hundred ghosts had ended for him and Lin Qiushi, had been abruptly shattered.

Back then, the hours of the day were getting longer and longer, while their nights got shorter. The time Ruan Nanzhu and Lin Qiushi had together too had entered a countdown. When night no longer came, Ruan Nanzhu thought he was never going to see Lin Qiushi again—he’d gone crazy looking for the key and trying to escape, but very faintly, he’d also realized that some things appeared to have slipped out of his control…

What he hadn't told Lin Qiushi was that he also saw ghosts during the day. At first, this was because he didn't want Lin Qiushi to worry. After, it was because he realized these ghosts wouldn't hurt him. Terrifying ghouls lived on every corner, and even when Ruan Nanzhu opened his own suitcase, he would find the horrifying Hako Onna hidden inside—she had on such an innocent expression when Ruan Nanzhu dug her out, was all.

From the initial shock tinged with terror to the cold numbness that followed, Ruan Nanzhu went through about half a month like this.

By the time he truly comprehend that he would never see Lin Qiushi again, Ruan Nanzhu could already coolly sock the lady-ghost perched at the head of his bed onto the ground, telling her icily to not squat above his head, that he wouldn't grow tall this way…And perhaps he was seeing things, but he thought that after he said this, the lady-ghost looked a little bit wronged.

Angrily, Ruan Nanzhu had thought why are you feeling wronged? I haven't even had a chance to feel wronged.

At that point, though the situation around him was growing increasingly eerie, Ruan Nanzhu was still completely ignorant. He had no idea what was happening, and even thought that this was the doors punishing him. That was what he believed until one day, a little spirit in red guided him to a particular location.

When Ruan Nanzhu got there, he instantly recognized it as the apartment where Lin Qiushi had once lived. Only, the apartment complex hadn't been fully constructed yet, and it was all still ancient builds of tongzilou.

That little spirit-ghost was standing on the fifth floor, waving to Ruan Nanzhu. Ruan Nanzhu looked up at her, frowning.

"The fifth floor? What have you brought me here for?" He observed the ghost's appearance a little more closely, and said in disbelief, "you're not Satchan, are you?"

As soon as he said this, the little ghost before him smiled shyly…though, her making such an expression with that ghastly pale face wasn't cute at all.

Ruan Nanzhu was in a hurry to leave, but had no lead on the key still. So he figured he'd try any last resort, and went to see exactly what Satchan wanted to show him.

Ruan Nanzhu went up to the fifth floor and headed toward the room at the very end. He pushed open the barely-shut door, and found an abode. There was nobody in the room, only an old and dilapidated television sitting at the head of the bed. It seemed to be playing some kind of program.

Ruan Nanzhu's gaze fell on that television, and a bit of shock came into his eyes. He even thought he was seeing things as he sped over to the screen. Only then could he be certain that the TV really was showing him a young Lin Qiushi.

Lin Qiushi was walking on a small path. Two people appeared at his side, and they were both people Ruan Nanzhu recognized—Xiong Qi and Xiao Ke, whom they'd met in their first door. Ruan Nanzhu held his breath, eyes stuck to the image on the screen.

"Where are we?" The young Lin Qiushi looked very youthful, and harbored terror in his dark eyes. He carefully asked next, "who are you guys?"

The images kept playing, and Ruan Nanzhu watched it all. What the television played was how Lin Qiushi passed his first door without Ruan Nanzhu.

Ruan Nanzhu's fingertips grazed the icy screen, gently caressing Lin Qiushi's cheek through the glass. Even this young, Lin Qiushi was so easily entrancing.

He was just like raw, undiscovered ore; anyone who knew true value could see that there were dazzling treasures to be had inside.

So smart and brave and calm. Someone who wasn't blindly kind and yet maintained a bottom line—Ruan Nanzhu thought that under any and all circumstances, his lover still so thoroughly captured all attention.

The program on the television became a TV show, and it was all about Lin Qiushi. It was about how he entered doors, how he met a group of friends, how he took over Obsidian…

Ruan Nanzhu watched obsessively. A thought even popped into his mind, that why, when Lin Qiushi was going through all this, had he not been by Lin Qiushi's side? If only he could be with him, then how wondrous an experience that would be…And then Ruan Nanzhu startled back to attention, having detected his own odd state.

He had been at Lin Qiushi's side, and had gone through the test of the eleventh door with Lin Qiushi. But if that was so, then why had such a thought come to his mind just now?

Ruan Nanzhu could sense that something was wrong.

And that sense of wrongness grew broader, following the development of the TV show, as if an unstoppable pandemic.

Ruan Nanzhu saw Lin Qiushi's family in the show, and saw that the way they interacted was exactly the same as how he and his own family interacted. Ruan Nanzhu even saw Bai Ming, who ought to have been his own friend. On TV however, he was Lin Qiushi's sworn brother…

Lin Qiushi slowly grew up. Out of youth, he became a grown, mature man. The people around him came and went, yet his initial resolve never wavered, as if any darkness that was cast upon him couldn't even leave a shadow.

After watching Lin Qiushi for three days and three nights straight, Ruan Nanzhu finally realized something…He, didn't seem to be human.

He hadn't so much as rested in three day's time, but he didn't feel hungry. Nor did he feel tired. He was still full of energy, and had maintained his optimal state.

Time was null where he was concerned.

The ghost who had brought him here squatted beside him, staring up with big eyes

Ruan Nanzhu had been wary of her at first, but later grew exasperated. He said, "what are you showing this to me for? You want to tell me I'm not human?"

Satchan twisted her head, and said nothing as she watched Ruan Nanzhu.

Ruan Nanzhu had more to say, but Satchan pointed a finger at the screen, indicating Ruan Nanzhu should keep watching.

Ruan Nanzhu thought, it wasn't like things could get worse. So he'd keep watching. He couldn't leave, and he couldn't see Lin Qiushi—it hardly mattered at all if he kept watching.

So Ruan Nanzhu kept watching as Lin Qiushi's time ticked on forward.

He was like a voyeur, peeking into every corner of Lin Qiushi's life after Lin Qiushi began entering doors. He watched Lin Qiushi cry, and he watched Lin Qiushi laugh. Watched his brilliant smile when he made new acquaintances, watched him sob himself mute when he lost a dear friend. Time ticked on bit by bit, and the Ruan Nanzhu who didn't need to rest had already lost all concept of the thing.

Finally, the images underwent a decisive change.

Ruan Nanzhu watched Lin Qiushi enter his twelfth door, and when the scenery twisted, Lin Qiushi appeared in a familiar rental apartment.

And at the same time, the scene around Ruan Nanzhu too began to change. Ancient decor retreated, and his surroundings became identical to what was on TV.

On the television, Lin Qiushi lied deeply asleep in bed. A dark shadow appeared beside him. There was no discernible shape to the shadow. It was only a clump of dark umbra. The shadow extended a finger and very carefully touched Lin Qiushi's cheek. It went from forehead to nose to lips, all exceedingly gentle, as if it was scared of waking the sleeping Lin Qiushi.

Then the shadow's form began to change. Black retreated from his body as he began to look more and more like a person, until at one particular point, he looked completely identical to the Lin Qiushi lying on the bed.

But the shadow didn't seem to want to have the same face as Lin Qiushi, and so quickly changed its appearance again. The moment the shadow decided on its final form, Ruan Nanzhu, who was watching all this from outside the television, chuckled bitterly—that shadow looked exactly the same as he did.

That's right. The shadow was Ruan Nanzhu.

Had it been anybody else, seeing this might have driven them crazy. But Ruan Nanzhu remained calm. Honestly, watching Lin Qiushi's life these past days, he'd already fathomed such a guess. It was just that seeing it with his own eyes now was still a little bit shocking.

On the television, Ruan Nanzhu smiled so longingly at Lin Qiushi. Then he began to fade, disappearing from Lin Qiushi's side.

And when Lin Qiushi woke up the next morning, the first thing he discovered was that Chestnut wouldn't let him hold it anymore.

The cat that had been so attached to him actually hissed and puffed up its fur at him, as if it didn't recognize him at all. And cat-slave Lin Qiushi, after seeing such a thing, was at a complete loss for what to do. Against the cat perched up on high ground with such a look of disdain on its face, Lin Qiushi could only mope, saying, "Chestnut, why don't you want daddy anymore? Chestnut?"

Once Ruan Nanzhu saw Lin Qiushi in such a state, his shoulders began to tremble. And then hearty guffaws were spilling out, because he knew that the story that belonged to him and Lin Qiushi was about to begin.

Sure enough, a few days later, Lin Qiushi opened a door.

The inside of the door ought to have been a sight he'd already seen, but because his memories had been altered, his gaze was completely strange. And this time, the path that he walked on had a new, unfamiliar face.

Ruan Baijie in women's clothes shuffled pathetically up to Lin Qiushi with tears in her eyes, asking Lin Qiushi where they were.

And when Lin Qiushi asked for Ruan Nanzhu's name, it was the three words “Ruan Baijie” that came out of Ruan Nanzhu's lips.

This was how they met.

The Ruan Nanzhu back then had also thought he was a regular human. He'd gotten his wish; in another way, he'd become an addition to Lin Qiushi's journey, and became an integral character who could not be removed from Lin Qiushi's life.

This was very satisfying to Ruan Nanzhu. Only, everything had to come to an end. Even the twelfth door had to end.

Ruan Nanzhu had still not recovered any memories of when he'd been inhuman. He only knew that he wasn't human, but what in the world was he? Ruan Nanzhu was still thinking of this question when he glanced at Satchan blinking up at him.

He suddenly said, "I'm not the NPC guarding the twelfth door, am I?"

Satchan peered at Ruan Nanzhu, not speaking, but Ruan Nanzhu spotted a touch of disdain in her gaze.

Ruan Nanzhu, "…" Ah fuck, it seemed he was.

To tell the truth, wiping his own memories to the point where it was likely he'd never get it back seemed to Ruan Nanzhu like something he was capable of. And now, he'd obtained his objective; he'd gotten the affection of the one he loved.

"I'm a bit happy about this, what do I do." There was nobody here, only endless ghosts, and Ruan Nanzhu sat in the dark softly grinning. "I just think about all that we've been through, and I feel so blissed out."

Satchan naturally wouldn't give him an answer.

"But now comes the problem. How do I get out?" Ruan Nanzhu lifted his head, looking around at the unfamiliar apartment. "I can get out, right?"

He thought about it for a moment before looking at Satchan once again.

"What else do you know?"

Satchan peered at a clock on the wall.

Ruan Nanzhu, "the clock?" He stood up, watching the ongoing, twelve-numbered clock, sinking deep into thought. Then he took the clock down.

He took the cover off the clock, and when he found nothing inside, pressed the button that controlled the hour hand, starting to turn it. Suddenly, he thought of something, and asked Satchan one last question: "That's right…When Qiushi and I crossed the doors, if I didn't successfully pass, would I have died?"

Satchan's expression at this went a bit strange, looking slightly like pity, and also like she was looking at a mental patient. In the end, she nodded.

Ruan Nanzhu snickered, thinking this really was his style—everything had to be done to perfection, and approximate reality as much as possible.

Ruan Nanzhu turned the clock. Moments later, two keys fell to the ground. He picked them up, read the words on them, and couldn't help but smile again.

Illusory life, an authentic death. No matter what kind of world Lin Qiushi wanted, Ruan Nanzhu would give it to him.

He could choose a cruel reality, or he could choose a beautiful dream. And the power to choose, Ruan Nanzhu had already set in Lin Qiushi's hands.

Only now that he thought about it, it was all probably superfluous; Ruan Nanzhu hardly needed to think to know Lin Qiushi's answer. He grabbed the key and left the building. He opened the door and found only one door in the hallway. That door was filled with gentle white light. Ruan Nanzhu approached and stepped inside.

The world-line changed accordingly.

The members of Obsidian, who first had no memory of a person named Ruan Nanzhu, felt a little extra something in their minds. So when they saw Ruan Nanzhu coming downstairs in the mansion, nobody looked shocked—Ye Niao even called Lin Qiushi in a state of excitement, telling Lin Qiushi that Ruan-ge was back.

On the other end of the line, Lin Qiushi was of course ecstatic.

Ruan Nanzhu, on the other hand, sat in the living room, silently observing his surroundings to make sure that it was no different from the ones in his memories.

"Ruan-ge, you're finally back," Ye Niao was saying to him. "Don't you know how hard Lin-ge had it this past year?"

"Year?" Ruan Nanzhu startled. "It's already been a year?"

"Yeah," Ye Niao said. "It's already been a year."

Ruan Nanzhu thought that it was a good thing he didn't hesitate. Had he waited any longer, Lin Qiushi's kids would already be three by the time he came out…

The two reunited in joyous embrace.

Lin Qiushi actually never asked why Ruan Nanzhu was only showing up now. The truth was, as long as Ruan Nanzhu came out, Lin Qiushi would never fault him.

But even immersed in happiness, Ruan Nanzhu quickly discovered one unfortunate thing. Ever since he came out of the door, the twelfth door for everybody else appeared to have been sealed off. A paper seal was stuck on it, as if telling the outside that the door was now empty.

With Lin Qiushi's intellect, after linking such an incident to other oddities, it wasn't difficult to guess that Ruan Nanzhu wasn't human. When he realized this, Ruan Nanzhu felt a bit panicked. He couldn't be certain, after all, whether or not Lin Qiushi would mind. At the end of the day, questioning whether or not your lover was a door god didn't seem to be a particularly joyous occasion.

And so when Ruan Nanzhu took the phone that Lin Qiushi had been browsing the forums on, he'd closely observed Lin Qiushi's reaction. Only when he found nothing changed in his lover's expression—that Lin Qiushi didn't seem to have noticed at all—did Ruan Nanzhu let out a held breath.

Of course, only later did Ruan Nanzhu realize that it wasn't that Lin Qiushi didn't know, it was that he pretended not to know; he didn't care at all what Ruan Nanzhu was.

"So how did you befriend Bai Ming in the first place?" Lin Qiushi sat on the sofa, remote in hand and watching TV as he idly chatted with Ruan Nanzhu.

"He was in coincidental possession of a high-level door hint, and I needed to bring someone through. So we hooked up," Ruan Nanzhu answered.

Lin Qiushi twisted around to look at Ruan Nanzhu, saying, "so what's he coming to chat with me every day for?"

"Hey, can you two stop pretending like I'm not here, chattering away like that?" Bai Ming munched on the sunflower seeds that Ruan Nanzhu had just fried up, angry. "Go take your banter somewhere else! Also, it was love at first sight from me to you, Lin Qiushi, isn't that alright?"

"No," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Get your claws off him."

Bai Ming, "hmph. Selfish."

Lin Qiushi's lips curved up, saying nothing.

Bai Ming got up and took his leave, saying his dearest had texted, that they were getting dinner.

"He still has time to get dinner with you?" Lin Qiushi commented idly. "Isn't he busy with his new movie?"

"He is," Bai Ming sighed. "But I like him making movies. Have you seen his The Way of Kings? I won't lie to you, on that set, we—"

"Shut it," Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu said at the same time, both of them hitting pause on Bai Ming's dirty joke at top speed. They didn't want unfortunate images coming to mind when they were watching the movie, after all.

"Damn." Bai Ming flipped up his palms. "You two are just getting more and more alike."

"Is it bad to be alike?" Lin Qiushi asked.

"You like dating someone with a personality so similar to yours?" Bai Ming said.

"I do." Lin Qiushi started grinning, but his tone was perfectly serious as he spoke. "My personality's great, why wouldn't I like it?"

Bai Ming, "…" He'd realized the two of them were intentionally stuffing him dog food, and so turned and left promptly, cussing out the two bastards all the while.

Lin Qiushi and Ruan Nanzhu shared a hearty laugh. Then, watching each other, they found in each other's gazes a certain profound meaning. Only, within that meaning, there was also love that couldn't be concealed.

Why must some things be so clearly thought out? Lin Qiushi thought. As long as Ruan Nanzhu was by his side, it was enough.

[Ch. 139] | [Extra: Shameless Couple (1)]