#it goes down really bad guys

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Red water

Tw: Suicide

John doesn't think he deserves anything good. And Buck is more than good. Buck is everything. Buck's his true north, the home he always returns to, the hope he hopes he'll never loose. Something so precious, he doesn't think he deserves it. Gale deserves so much better than John. John is nothing compared to him. He won't stand that Gale settles for so little as is John. But there he stands before him, confessing his love to John and he thinks his world might have just exploded and turned upside down.

“John, I've been meaning to tell you for such a long time. I can't believe I'm doing it only just now. After everything. But the thing is-“

Gale was still talking, but Bucky couldn't concentrate. No, this cannot be happening.

Sure, John always dreamed that Gale would reciprocate his feelings towards him, but he never actually thought it'd happen. In his dreams his love for him was safe. It wasn't clingy, it wasn't annoying or destructive, because he didn't let it see the surface. But if Gale were to confess to him, say things that would change everything for them and especially John, he doesn't think he'd have that much self control.

It seemed like Buck noticed that John isn't quite there with him. He leaned closer from where he was standing in front of him.

They were in John's house in Manitowoc, the one he got from his family. John lived here alone ever since the war ended. His family was generous enough to leave him the whole house, but not generous enough to actually be there with him. Now or even then.

John never got any letters. He doesn't really talk to his mom, he keeps in contact with his sister a little and she comes to visit sometimes, but he can only imagine the loneliness John must felt. Especially after being with someone all the time in the war time. No matter what, there was usually always someone in the room with you. Being a pilot was a team work, so coming 'home' and suddenly after all those years being alone... It must have been horrible.

Gale cupped his cheek and pulled his face up for John to look him in the eye. But when their eyes met, John's eyes were totally dazed. Gale felt like John was looking through him, like he doesn't even see him there. It was so strange. John had always had his eyes set out on Gale, he found him in any room, recognised by footsteps even. And now, he was invisible to him.

“Hey, John? John, are you here with me?“

Why would Gale want me? Why would... Just why?

He had Marge. He still has Marge, right? Surely, he didn't break up with her and threw away the happy life they could've had together. Marge was a perfect match for Gale. There was a bond, they've known each other since childhood, that was probably even how their relationship started. Old friends.

He couldn't throw that away for John. Gale is many things, but stupid is not one of them. At least he hoped.

“Bucky? Bucky, where are you? Come on, come back to me. Come back to me, darling.”

And then John heard that, something in him switched. Suddenly he was too self-aware. He saw Gale in front of him, so close, too close. Gale's hands cupping his face.

John flinched back and started breathing heavily.

“John, what is it? How can i help you?“

Gale sounded desperate. He was trying to get through John, but he didn't let him. He was also confused, he had no idea what was happening. For the first time he couldn't read John's mind.

John always made sure, that whatever that felt too intimate was played into a joke or a 'friendly thing' later. He tried so hard to keep his feelings under a lock. But it wasn't enough, it hasn't been. Not when Gale is doing this. Why is he doing this?

“No, Gale. No. You- you can't.“

John choked out. Catching his breath. It was hard to breathe.

“What do you mean, Bucky?”

“Why are you here? Where's Marge?”

Gale flinched in the smallest way at the sound of her name. He thought he managed to hide it, but John noticed.

“John, don't mention Marge, it's-“

“Buck, don't tell me you two broke up.“

“Would it be so bad, if we did?”

“No, no, Buck why would you do that? You two were a perfect couple. You'd have a perfect happy marriage and maybe like three kids, i don't know. She'd give you everything you needed.“

Bucky breathed out. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Marge was security, safety and she loved Gale. Why would Gale want to go to him. He doesn't offer these things.

“Why are you saying this, Bucky?“

Gale's voice broke at the end. And his eyes started to water. They never really cried in front of each other. This is something else.

“Because you just ruined your life. And i need to know it's not because of me. Buck, i need you to tell me, all this wasn't because of me.“

“I can't say that, John.”

Those words were like a sword to his heart. He just ruined Gale's life. This was never supposed to happen. Gale was supposed to marry Marge, John was supposed to be his best man and then become the funny uncle for their kids. Having Gale in his life, but not fully ruining it. Not letting his love see the surface.

“I don't get it. Why would you do this to yourself, Gale? Why?“

Gale's eyes widened and then saddened at the sound of his real name. John rarely calls him that. And in this sentence, in this moment, it pretty much feels like he just pulled himself away from Gale forever. Took all his stuff and left Buck alone. Their souls no longer intertwined.

“What do you mean, John? Why are you talking like this? I thought you-“

Gale was coming closer to John again, reaching for him. Trying to feel him, his presence, his soul. John denied him.

“No, you don't know shit, Gale.“

And he pushed his hand away. Things started to get more heated. Both of them are starting to get angry. Both of them for very different reasons.

“Well, maybe I don't know shit, but i know one thing. The only thing that I'm sure of now, the thing that i was only ever sure of. And that's that i love you. I've always loved you and right now I've ruined everything, because... I thought you felt the same way, John. I really did thought that. After everything, i just assumed... Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for assuming.“

And suddenly the atmosphere in the room changes completely. It's sad again.

John isn't sure if he's imagining it or not, but he sees a tear stream down Gale's face.

“Stop, stop this. I can't do this.“

“I'm sorry. I'm truly, so incredibly sorry, Bucky.“

John sighed heavily. He wants to be mad at Gale, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if Gale left thinking John didn't felt the same way. He couldn't let that happen. When he ruined his life, he can't let him hate himself or question everything he ever believed in.

Did he really believed in us like this?

“No, Buck. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, this shouldn't be happening. You- you were supposed to be at home with Marge and i was supposed to be your best friend. And i just...“

John trailed off. After suppressing his feelings for such a long time, he wasn't even able to speak them out loud now. He just couldn't find the words.

'I love you too. I love you more than anything.'

He couldn't being himself to say that. It was the truth, yet he couldn't say it.

“Bucky, do you feel the same or not? Because I'll go and never come back if you say no, but you need to say it. You need to say, you don't love me.“

What should he do now? Wouldn't it be better if he just said he doesn't love him? Maybe, he could still save his relationship with Marge. Or maybe he'll find some other girl. Someone better than him. But then he'd left Buck thinking that all these years, all their touches, their soft words for each other didn't mean anything. That it was all fake.

Is all that worth the sacrifice? Gale will hate him. Gale will loathe him after this. Is he ready for that? Whatever he'll say now will decide of their future. It's all in John's hands. And he thinks it's too much power for such ugly and calloused hands like his.

“I don't love you, Gale.“

'I've never loved anyone as much as you.'

They lock eyes and both of them know it's the last time they'll see each other. They stare and stare a bit longer. None of them moves or dares to speak. It's like Gale is trying to process what just happened.

Trying to fool his head that John didn't actually say that. Or maybe cursing himself for saying that promise about leaving earlier.

After a while, he straightens his posture and chokes out:

“Okay, goodbye then, Bucky. I'm glad we could have each other, at least for a minute.“

Gale didn't wait for John to reply. As he was walking to the front door and opening them to leave, he turns around for the very last time. He turns around and he looks at Bucky and he thinks that he's gonna rot in this place.

When John doesn't say anything, he walks through the doorframe outside and closes the door. Soon enough John hears an engine starting and then car taking off his driveway.

Gale was gone. Gale was gone forever and John did that. John made Gale go away. Isn't that funny? Bucky made Buck leave him. It was ridiculous to even think about. Buckies were joined at the hip, always together. Whenever they had a fight, they made up eventually. Not now. Not this time.

But what if rot right here, in this hellhole he called 'home' was exactly what Bucky wanted. After the war, Bucky didn't think he deserves to live, didn't think he deserves anything really.

For the first time Gale wasn't the solution to his problem. He thought he might be, but he wasn't. There's only one solution.

So John goes to his shitty bathroom. Starts running the water for his bath. Goes back to the kitchen and takes his favourite and most sharpest knife. He puts it on the sink and goes up to his bedroom. He takes the letter Gale has send to him not long after they returned home.

He was so sweet in it, so optimistic. It was hope. Hope that didn't last long. He takes it with him and returns to the bathroom. He contemplates locking the door, but then he realizes he's totally alone in this world and so he decides to let the door open.

If someone would be looking hard enough, they could probably spot him from his backyard window. That doesn't matter though, there's no one out there who would look for him now.

He sinks into the bath. The water spills over, but he doesn't care. He takes the letter and the knife both to each hand.

The letter gets wet immediately, the ink slowly smudging and the words weren't real anymore. Whatever Gale said didn't matter now, because the letter was wet and that meant it was time.

He took the knife and slit one of his wrists. It hurt so much, but it feels right. He takes the letter and washes it in his blood, marking it in his messed up way. When the letter was just red and the water was starting to get red too, he painfully took the knife and slit his other wrist. Now there was only pain and the color red.

He breathes heavily, tries to not think about the pain and it actually works (for a minute). He thinks about Gale, about his lovely Buck, his best friend, his soulmate. He tries not to feel like a coward, but it's hard. He thinks about his smile and the way his hair would fall on his forehead, when he forgot to style it. And the way the words 'i love you' rolled out so easily from his mouth and how they were meant for John.

The color red overtakes every one of John's senses and all he can see is red. Not for long though. Soon after that a black darkness hugs him and he welcomes it. He hugs it back the same way he did, when Gale first arrived to England. His last thoughts and hopes were that Buck will eventually be happy. That he'll find happiness. It's the only wish, John had. The only wish, he hopes will come true.

And so John kills himself, because he feels unworthy of living. Buck's light wasn't enough for him to get back on the path. He was long way lost. No coming back. Not even the love of your love confessing their love to you.

John joined the sky as a star. He's shining brightly, just for Gale. Just for his Buck. Maybe it'll be enough after lying about the only thing that has ever felt right to him. Maybe Gale will forgive him.

It was never enough. Gale had never forgiven him.

A star shines forever though.

I've been trying to post this for so long, somehow it just wasn't working for me. This is out on ao3 already, if that's what you prefer, but I'll post it here too. Hope you enjoyed it!!

(shyly tagging @alienoresimagines again, cause they're the kindest and them reading my fic just warms my heart)

[squidcandy]

horrible boyfriend chronicles 14: summer bird and the empty nesters he left behind

[heavenslie]

i like Stoliz as a concept, but if i wanted to watch a melodramatic romance with a huge breakup that the main character obsesses over as the main driving force of the show where all the side characters (especially the female ones) only exist to boost up the main character, i would just watch Naruto

[al-luviec]

still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)

[dimensionhoppr]

One day I will be able to properly break down the themes of authoritarianism, bioessentialism, and the VERY flawed "hero and villain" dynamic in MHA and then it'll be ALL over for you...

[oozeandgoo-art]

had an odd dream that i was reading a comic book. sketched a couple of the pages i could remember.

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

chat what do u do when it kinda seems like a girl likes u

[chibi-scone]

So that new Rhys Darby interview about s3 ….💀

[georgieluz]

holy fuck you guys i just realised who hoosier is

he's that one hot sniper dude from that cowboy law enforcement show that i haven't watched a single episode of but somehow have a playlist full of edits and clips saved simply bc of that fine ass dude with a gun and the one liners and it's fucking hoosier

[p5x-theories]

I mean, how many characters have models that you haven’t posted yet? Bc I would like to see all of the models but if there’s a ton then I wouldn’t ask that of you

To be clear, literally every character in the game has one or more 3D models. Every single NPC, those faceless people that you walk by/through while walking through the city, every playable character (and every outfit they have; every single one of Wonder's outfit options), every shadow, every Persona, etc. The game's all 3D models (with 2D images over them making up the UI and portraits), and the files are where those 3D models and 2D images are stored, so quite literally, anything you see in the game is somewhere in the files, and something I could theoretically extract for you.

There's also a ton of stuff in the files that doesn't show up in the game (yet?), like 3D models and portraits for a bunch of the Confidants and Palace rulers in P5. Even stuff you only see for a few seconds, like the table and tea set that appears for Noir during her AOA finisher in the split second before it swaps to the 2D image people usually think of for her AOA, have their own 3D models.

So I appreciate that you're not asking me for all of them, haha!

I just focus on posting the interesting things and the new stuff; new portraits for main characters, 3D models for civilian outfits of the Phantom Idols that we haven't really gotten to see, characters indicated as future Phantom Thieves/Idols, stuff like that. And then if anyone asks me for specific stuff outside of that, I don't mind going back for it, because I noted down where everything is in the (massively disorganized) files, so it theoretically shouldn't take me too long to hunt down the pieces for any given character and put them together to post.

All that to say, I try to post the things that I know myself and others are probably most interested in seeing. You're not really missing much in the rest of the files, unless, for instance, there's a sidequest NPC or something you have a particular interest in and want to see the full portraits/model for.

[science-lings]

you know you're fucked when you start getting fic ideas

[sqlmn]

What does he look like as drowned rat?

Them, in all their drowned rat glory.

They start off as a really good agent, filled with confidence and really convincing to others! Then start to find out things on their own that the agency would rather they don't know (also through very illegal means but hey, whatever) and decide to dip.

Before leaving though, they act as the mentor to Clifford, a young and impressionable agent in training... and make sure that he's the best agent he can be according to their very harsh standards. They then even tell the higher ups, hey, kid's ready and you should give him a nice name for missions. And then suggests Bravo, convinced Clifford will accept any code name with gratitude, they want it more personal. But like. Personal to /them/.

So every time someone uses that code name, it's basically praising their hard work with the guy. Anyone who uses the name Bravo is acknowledging Clifford's skills, but more importantly, acknowledging the one who gave him those skills.

[biblicalhorror]

My boyfriend's friend got me this candle as a late birthday present and I am howling it's so good

[missrosegold]

Looks like I just lost another close friend to guy who isn't worth a pile of dog shit. 😊

[exopelagic]

okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool

[unagrancantidaddepanes]

anyways all my homies love felix fathom, mf was doing what the social services could never do ❤️❤️❤️ king shit