#is this a vent. im not rly upset im just kinda down bad and frustrated

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

chat what do u do when it kinda seems like a girl likes u

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[pepprs]

im not feelin 2 Happy rn for a lot of diff reasons and i wanna vent abt it But i feel like a headass venting on finsta so im gonna do it here sorry this is gross and bad but im tired and feeling bad abt myself and need 2 yell abt it publicly for some reason lmao!

i invited a friend from school to stay over for thanksgiving bc she’s an exchange student and didn’t have anywhere 2 go for the holiday and i love her and love spending time with her but im so tired and drained from it and im so awkward and mad @ myself bc i can’t relax and stuff and my mom keeps makin digs @ me abt bein awkward in front of her and i BFNFBSBFBG D bbbdbf it’s not good??? i mean i thik shes having a good time but im so worn out bc we Never have had a friend sleep over before?? and she’s staying an extra night tonight which was……. unexpected and it’s Fine but Fuck i am Mentally Tired and our upstairs toilet is broken rn but i can’t use the one downstairs bc it’s Her Bathroom and djfjsjtkksjektkr fuck i have to pee and idk what to DO im distressed! also i have to be on mega polite mode until we drop her off tmrrrw morning and my introverted ass just wants to lay down and die!!!! this is why i can’t maintain any friendships i just get so tired and people probably hate me for it i hate myself i hate being antisocial and reclusive and withdrawn and Terrible So so so much!!!!!! Fuck!!!

i didn’t do any sort of thanksgiving post or anything or even like. Tell Anyone I Am Grateful For Them and i feel like shit abt it. and honestly? thanksgiving didn’t even really feel like thanksgiving this year. bc we normally watch the Macy’s parade and then go have thanksgiving @ the fire station and this year i slept through the parade and then we got my friend and went to someone else’s house and we didn’t even say what we were thankful for and it didn’t feel like thanksgiving at all and im sad about ita like it was Good but it wasn’t…. thanksgiving. and nothing is the same anymore bc we’re in college now and all the magic is gone and im real sad abt it and i can’t stop thinking abt it

also i haven’t checked social media for like 2 days bc of my friend staying over and i checked it for the first time tonight andn everyone is posting all over Facebook and Instagram abt who and what they’re thankful for and i didn’t do that and now i feel really guilty and also Bad bc everyone looks like they had a great thanksgiving and mine was just stressful bc we had 2 prepare for my friend and i just jfdnsndkfbsbfnbsbfng? also i I have like 43 unanswered emails and 39588284847284 text messages and im SO!!!! STRESSED!!! OUT!!!! and i have an essay i have to work on this weekend and we didn’t even get a break bc my friend came over and dnnsbdjfkskrjtkdjf idk im so exhausted and mad @ myself rn fuck!

this kid i went 2 high school with unadded me on snap a few weeks ago for some reason (after i wished him a happy bday and he replied thank u??? and hen i saw he had unadded me and i was ?????) and today e posted smth on his story like “if i unadded u on snap i did it for a reason 😛” BUT IDK WHAT I DID AND MY HEADASS FEELINGS ARE HURT FJSJJFJFKSKF!!!!!! imI a Baby also he and my twin sis had a streak @ some point and he broke it but they were good friends or smth and apparently he told her he didn’t like me or smth last year and i???? Didn’t know This until she told me abt it just today and idk. I mean I don’t care abt him or what he thinks of me rly but im sad and tired and Numb and im scared i did something offensive and he has a reason 2 hate me or smth fnfebtkrjidk!!

we saw coco today (IT WAS SO GOOD) and i was sitting next 2 my friend and i teared up a few times but i didn’t let myself cry next 2 her and im ashamed of myself bc i wanted to but i held back and then felt like a stone hearted Idiot bc everyone else was crying lol!!

pocket camp has slowed down a lot for me which is Really frustrating like i can’t do anything c im out of crafting materials and it’s kinda systematic rna Nd imSO SAD bc i was so excited for it and now everything seems the same and i fucking knew it wouldn’t last im so upset an angry with myself for playing all day on the first day bc now im so far ahead hat i can’t do anything until i get more materials and i just feel like an idiot i was so excited and. Now I Am Stuck and i just gnsnfnsndj.

also ok i haven’t told anyone this and i don’t wanna jinx anything by typing it but ive been having…. i guess u could callit an intrusive thought but it’s more like i can’t stop thinking abt this thing that im afraid of happening???? and the thought keeps coming back @ the worst times and normally i can rationalize w myself to get myself 2 stop being scared but lately ive been really anxious abt it and rationalizing is Not Working and it’s nagging @ me (esp when we drive bc That’s Where It Comes From) and ive been rly on edge abt it lately and idk. Idk abt anything i just am not feelin good rn and idk what’s wrong with me but im tired and stressed and i have to PEE and i just snfndnbdjdjjfjdhjeejr god im so sick of myself lmao. anyways sorry for venting i always feel self conscious abt doing it bc ppl will judge me for it and als o i can’t do a readmore or anything on mobile so this is all Right Here but yeah. fuck