#vals mota drabbles

[valstarsandgalaxies]

This fic came straight from my feelings. I wasn't feeling very good, everything was overwhelming and i wanted to cry.

But it all inspired me well enough to write this fic, where Gale has a panic attack (so this is tw). Somehow making Gale feel at least a bit of what i felt, was very comforting to me.

Btw. This is UNEDITED (just letting you know and sorry)

Breathe, darling

He can't breathe. He's trying to catch his breath. Unsuccessful. He sees Bucky right in front of him, but he's blurry. He could recognise him only because... Well, who wouldn't recognise Bucky? With his broad shoulders and charming face. Dark brown curls, soft voice, whispering a low "are you okay?". He can see and hear those things, yet he can't bring himself to actually acknowledge them. His heart was pounding like it should jump out of his chest at any moment. His hands and legs were shaking. His fingers tapping on the mattress of the bed, unsteady and loudly. It was harder to breathe with every inhale he took. He was starting to choke. That's the first time he hears John's voice clearly.

"What is it? What's wrong, Buck?"

He couldn't get any words out. None of his senses were working. It was almost like he couldn't control his body at all. His eyes started to get watery and he felt tears were about to fall. He can't let that happen. Men don't cry. That's what his father always used to tell him. Men always have to be strong, crying is a weakness. It never occurred to him that Gale was merely a little kid, who just fell and had a bruise on his knee.

One wouldn't guess that trying not to cry would be this difficult. In his mind suddenly all he could think about was "do not cry, do not cry, do not cry", which made him want to cry even more.

While this was occupying his mind, he kind of forgot that he still needs to breathe.

"Buck, darling, you need to breathe, okay? You need to breathe for me, could you do that?"

And Gale could never say no, not when John calls him darling. Or any other pet name actually. It's almost a curse, John's words are sometimes too much for Gale. Too much love to bear. John took Gale's hand and placed it on his chest. Then placed his other hand on Gale's chest.

"Okay, why don't we try syncing our breathing, baby? Come on, up and down, just like me."

And so Gale tried. He focused on his hand on Bucky's chest and tried to match his breathing. Tried to catch his breath and get back to reality. Away from his mind. Away from his awful head. The worst thing is, even if John helps him to escape now... It's only temporary, he'll be trapped immediately again. Isn't it the saddest thing? Being trapped in your mind forever? How could people accept that and be okay with that?

Right now he wishes he could crawl into John's body, that his soul could intertwine with John's and that they'd become one. United forever. He quite likes the idea of John's protectiveness.

If he and John just could be together. But that's only if, and if belongs to fantasies and dreams. They both can't afford that, they barely have the time to afford whatever they're doing now.

"That's my boy, your breathing has calmed. Now let's keep it steady, yeah? Try to not get upset again, my darling."

John was about to pull his hand away, but Gale reached for his wrist and put it back on his torso again. He needed to feel John's touch, he reckons it might be one of the only things keeping him sane at the moment.

John understands. John gets Gale. It's the best feeling Gale thinks he'd ever feel. The way he and John know each other so deeply, their communication without words, they show their needs with a glance or an expression. Maybe after all their soul might as well be intertwined and if they're not they at least live next to each other.

And so John sits up next to him, standing up from his kneeling position in front of him and pulling him in for a hug. A very careful one though, he must have been scared to not squeeze Buck too much, especially after his trouble with breathing. Nonetheless, he wraps his arms around Gale's waist, rests his chin on his shoulder and leans his mouth into his ear. If Gale would have been in his right mind he'd have freaked out heavily, but he's sort of not in his skin, still high on his panic attack.

"What happened, baby?"

John whispered. And Gale couldn't care less for the world and the expectations put upon them. Right now it was only John and him. John who was holding him close and whispering to his ear, while slightly caressing his lips on his neck. He didn't kiss him though, his lips were just hovering over the area. Almost like exploring.

"It was- i... uhmm"

He still couldn't say a coherent sentence. Bucky can sense it and turns him, so they're facing each other. And with the softest, most gentle voice he said:

"I know maybe you don't wanna talk about this and I'll respect it, if you don't. But don't you think it'd be better for you to say it out loud? And you know, maybe just tell me. After all, it's me, Buck. It's only me. You can tell me anything."

It's Bucky, it's only Bucky. So he tells him.

"I'm uhmm- I'm not very sure. I just wasn't feeling well, it's just a lot. All of it, i mean. Suddenly the air was suffocating me like when you're too high in the sky and you don't have a mask on."

"Oh, I'm so sorry-"

"It's okay. You handed me the mask, at the very last moment. You saved me."

"I believe that's exactly what I'm here for."

"Are you?"

"Yeah, cause i couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to you. And because you don't deserve to feel like you don't matter anymore. Or that you're not loved. Because you are, Buck. I love you and care about you. And if you need me to help you put the mask on again, just ask me, I'll find it for you. And if your hands would be too weak, I'll put it on and I'll make sure you'll breathe again. I'm with you, always and forever. It's you and me, Buck."

And after that, there was nothing more to be said. Buck couldn't even think of words to match these. Or some that'd make a good response. But when Bucky's looking at him expectantly, probably waiting for him to say something, he manages a quiet:

"You and me, Bucky."

Which seems to satisfy John as he smiles and lies on the bed. They're alone here. It's late at night, but everyone's at the bar. They were there too until Buck wasn't feeling well and excused himself from the room. He ended here, in the barracks, choking and trying to find breathable air as Bucky came to rescue him. The other guys will probably come back soon. They should go both to their beds. But John is currently lying in Gale's bed. And what's he to do about that?

So he lay down, put his head into the crook of John's neck and nuzzled his nose to John's pulse.

"The others will be back soon."

Gale mumbled. But none of them move an inch. After a long while, John said:

"Yeah. Are you feeling better though?"

And Gale wasn't sure what to answer. Sure, right now he was feeling really fucking good. He was lying next to John with their bodies touching whole. But his anxiety has increased lately. As well as his panic attacks.

"Yeah, I'm feeling better. I'm good. Thank you, John."

He doesn't say any of that. John already thinks he's fragile. In a very specific way though. Bucky knows Gale is very strong and he is the most composed and all that stuff. But he also knows what's stuffed under all of that. And that's this. Because every emotion he pushes down goes down there and one day that place will explode and Buck has no idea what will happen to him then. He just hopes John will be with him.

A noise. They hear chattering coming closer to the barracks. John's body jumps up and he lets himself have a second to calm down. He then looks at Gale, with those beautiful blue eyes and whispers to his ear:

"I'm here whenever. Don't forget about me, love."

He licks the shell of his ear and Gale shivers as John's wet tongue meets his skin. It was a gesture, Gale didn't understand what it meant exactly, but John was telling him something.

When he hears a click and the doors open, John is dutifully sitting on his bed reading his book. Gale didn't quite understand how he got there, but it didn't matter. He probably dazed away, too occupied with the linger of John's tongue on his ear.

He fell asleep as he was replaying the sound of John's "don't forget about me, love" in his head over and over again. And he thinks, how could he ever forget? How on earth could you forget about John Egan?

You simply can't.

[valstarsandgalaxies]

’I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell him how i feel. It'd ruin everything and it wouldn't even matter at the end.’ He's getting married. He's getting married and it's not John, who will be standing opposite him. It hurts him just to think about it. It won't be John. And in his most desperate moment, he said: "I even thought you could be my best man." It wasn't a question, but it was. Basically what he was trying to say was 'Bucky, even if you're not the one I'm marrying, i need you there. I need you with me, so i could at least imagine it's you.' He's not sure, if that meaning is clear though. He feels sick. Sick from the cowardly decisions he made earlier. He loved John more than anything and still it wasn't enough for him to actually choose him. When that clicks in his head, he can't even look at himself. His body hurts, his heart hurts and he did it all to himself. But he'd rather have this pain and John as his best friend than not having John at all as if he confessed and John didn't feel the same way. It's weird, maybe he'll even find comfort in all of it.

"I'll be your best man." John said and hadn't really realised what that actually meant. It meant standing at the altar with Gale, but he won't be the one Gale's marrying. It meant that he'll have to watch Gale marry someone else and that John will only become secondary to him. It meant that whatever he thought they had before wasn't there and it's ending. He thinks back to the time when they lay together in John's bunk at the stalag, cause it was incredibly cold. They weren't the only ones, that's why it felt so safe somehow. It almost felt like a start of something more. At least that was what John thought. A few days later, Gale revealed to him this truth of him getting married and he realised that that situation was merely a composition to deal with the cold. Gale never joins him in his bunk again.

It was weird. Telling John while he was lying in his bunk. It almost felt like they were lying there together. Like John's arms were around Gale and Gale's arm around John. Like every part of their body is touching and things were different. But they weren't. John felt so far away and he felt himself backing up, going further from him. He was slowly going the other way and for the first time John wasn't chasing him. That was also new. John wasn't chasing him. Why? Why did he not run towards Gale like always? He supposes one gets tired of chasing after somebody who is only going further away from them. Your legs start to hurt after a while and you see no result. He understands that John gave up. He understands, but he wishes he didn't. Maybe someday that'd give him the courage. But he couldn't ask that from John.

John wants nothing more than to go back to the way things used to be with Gale. Them being close all the time, no one thinking anything suspicious about them. He wants to go back before all the terrible things have happened. He wishes more than anything that Gale would have come to London with him. He can't stop himself, but thinks how different things would have been. Maybe they wouldn't even be here, in the stalag. Maybe they'd still be in England, at Thorpe Abbotts. Or maybe they'd be dead. It's hard not to think about the time they could've had in London though. It'd only add to the amazing memories he had with Gale. It never happened though. But he still tries to cling to all he has. All the precious memories with Buck. His Buck. He's not sure Buck is his anymore though. And that thought hurts.

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Guardian angel

John feels useless. And lonely. He just fucks up everything that comes to his hands. And as much as he wished this (for the first time ever) would be an exception, he was wrong once again.

He looks as Gale is walking away from him and he's most likely to never come back. To never come near him again. And John's not surprised, because as much as he might have hoped that his relationship with Gale will be different, he knew that it won't be, from the very start.

It's like this thing when you do something and you knew it'd hurt you even before actually doing it. It's like going back to your toxic partner or friend and putting yourself through that pain, just because you think this time might be different. But it never is. And after some time you just become used to it. Even worse, you become fond of the pain. You look for it now.

John's not stupid. He might look like he is, but he knows things that are useful in life (that's what he tells himself). He saw it all coming and he didn't stop it, because this is just who he is. A destructive, unlovable man, who hurts other people, because he likes hurting himself.

He hates himself for dragging Gale into his shit. Into this. Whatever it was.

And he gets that he can be too much sometimes. Like that one time when he got fucking wasted and suddenly all his secrets, his feelings, his affection for Gale spilled from him like it was never locked in the first place.

"But- but i love you, Gale. You see, when i first saw you i thought that i was just imagining you. Never saw more beautiful human being ever. Okay, it's a bit weird to say that since I've hardly been anywhere, but i mean it. You're like an angel."

"An angel? Are you serious, Bucky?"

Gale answered in awe of the things that are spilling from John's mouth. Also a bit confused like he doesn't really believe them.

"Yeah. Like- like a guardian angel. You're my guardian angel, Gale."

"Oh, shut up, John. You don't mean any of this."

Gale huffed as he was holding John by his waist and John's hand was slumped around his shoulder. They're trying to go back to the barracks, to finally lay in bed and go to sleep. John is making that very difficult right now. Because he has no balance and talks distracting bullshit.

"I mean every word, Gale. I actually think-"

He burped.

"Sorry."

John said with a sly and innocent smile.

"It's fine."

Gale whispered. And John can't remember if he imagined it or if it was real, but he saw a small smile on Gale's lips as well.

"I think i love yo-"

But Gale didn't let him finish it.

"Don't say things like this, John. You're drunk, nothing you say matters, because it's not you. And i doubt you'd ever say any of this, if you were sober. So just shut the fuck up and let's go to sleep."

They finally made it back to base and Gale gently, but silently put him on his bed.

In the morning, when John tried to bring it up, Gale stopped him and said that it's fine and he understands it was just a drunken talk yesterday.

John didn't have the courage to correct him just then. But he knew he'll slip again. He knew, that it'll happen again and so he lets it be and tells himself that they'll deal with it some other time.

He remembers that time, when Gale told him he feels something for him and it was so overwhelming for him that he went into that pub and fucked the hell out of the first girl that came near him.

He sees the expression on Gale's face, when he finds out. He thinks he'll never forget it. And John doesn't understand himself either to be honest, but he does what he does without thinking. He's an impulsive person and he can hardly act against it.

"Why would you do that, John? I thought you feel the same way. You told me like ten times."

He has hurt Gale and he feels bad, but he knows he'll continue to do so. He knows that this is definitely not the last time.

And so he says some reassuring things, sweet nothings and all he can find in him. Because he means them, he really does. But he is who he is after all.

And so he kisses him hard. Sucks his neck (a bit more carefully after Gale told him that he can't have a hickey on a visible spot). Squeezes his hips and guides his clothed cock closer to his. They find some place to fuck and John makes Gale moan and he loves it. And Gale makes John moan and sigh and he loves it too.

And they forget. They both forget and they continue whatever the fuck is going on between them.

But those are all memories now. All the sweet words and sweet spots just a history. Something that John thinks Gale will refuse that ever happened. He had this mindset that if he ignores or doesn't acknowledge something for long enough, it'll disappear and it'll be like nothing like that happened. Gale told him about it a few times, when they were talking about their families and he opened up about his dad. He said it never worked, but he uses it anyway. John is quite sure he'll try to use this for this as well. And he doesn't blame him. Whatever that will help him to move on.

For John, it'd probably be quite similar. In a different way. He'll never try to forget or delete Gale from his mind, but he'll only focus on the good. He'll try to ignore all the bad stuff, so Gale stays with him even though he's not physically there anymore.

He stores every person like this. Every person that he cares about and fucked up things with. It's quite a long list already, but Gale is probably John's favourite. He was from the start.

At one point, it really felt like this was different. Like he might be the love of his love, his soulmate. But he forgot himself. He forgot that he's John Egan and that this is simply not meant for him.

So now he'll have to be lonely for a while. Sulking and drowning in his sadness and what if scenarios. He'll let his mind destroy him slowly more and more until a new person arrives. Until someone will want to be friends with him again. Until someone will want to fuck him. Until someone will want to create a bond with him again.

Because there will always be someone else. Because he's John Egan. And even though he had never moved on from Gale. From his blonde locks, calm and kind personality and sweetest voice. There were others. So much of others. And he tried to forget.

But it's hard to try to escape from your guardian angel.

Did i just pour out my feelings into the character i relate to and make them feel the same things as me? Oh, that wouldn't be me ;) Anyway this one is a little deeper, I'm not feeling very well mentally, so I'm trying some things and venting through fic might be one of them. I just hope you'll enjoy this a little! Thank you so much, if you've read the whole fic!! I love you lots<3

( @alienoresimagines wanted to read something, so here i am offering my little fic to you. Hope it's okay. )

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Red water

Tw: Suicide

John doesn't think he deserves anything good. And Buck is more than good. Buck is everything. Buck's his true north, the home he always returns to, the hope he hopes he'll never loose. Something so precious, he doesn't think he deserves it. Gale deserves so much better than John. John is nothing compared to him. He won't stand that Gale settles for so little as is John. But there he stands before him, confessing his love to John and he thinks his world might have just exploded and turned upside down.

“John, I've been meaning to tell you for such a long time. I can't believe I'm doing it only just now. After everything. But the thing is-“

Gale was still talking, but Bucky couldn't concentrate. No, this cannot be happening.

Sure, John always dreamed that Gale would reciprocate his feelings towards him, but he never actually thought it'd happen. In his dreams his love for him was safe. It wasn't clingy, it wasn't annoying or destructive, because he didn't let it see the surface. But if Gale were to confess to him, say things that would change everything for them and especially John, he doesn't think he'd have that much self control.

It seemed like Buck noticed that John isn't quite there with him. He leaned closer from where he was standing in front of him.

They were in John's house in Manitowoc, the one he got from his family. John lived here alone ever since the war ended. His family was generous enough to leave him the whole house, but not generous enough to actually be there with him. Now or even then.

John never got any letters. He doesn't really talk to his mom, he keeps in contact with his sister a little and she comes to visit sometimes, but he can only imagine the loneliness John must felt. Especially after being with someone all the time in the war time. No matter what, there was usually always someone in the room with you. Being a pilot was a team work, so coming 'home' and suddenly after all those years being alone... It must have been horrible.

Gale cupped his cheek and pulled his face up for John to look him in the eye. But when their eyes met, John's eyes were totally dazed. Gale felt like John was looking through him, like he doesn't even see him there. It was so strange. John had always had his eyes set out on Gale, he found him in any room, recognised by footsteps even. And now, he was invisible to him.

“Hey, John? John, are you here with me?“

Why would Gale want me? Why would... Just why?

He had Marge. He still has Marge, right? Surely, he didn't break up with her and threw away the happy life they could've had together. Marge was a perfect match for Gale. There was a bond, they've known each other since childhood, that was probably even how their relationship started. Old friends.

He couldn't throw that away for John. Gale is many things, but stupid is not one of them. At least he hoped.

“Bucky? Bucky, where are you? Come on, come back to me. Come back to me, darling.”

And then John heard that, something in him switched. Suddenly he was too self-aware. He saw Gale in front of him, so close, too close. Gale's hands cupping his face.

John flinched back and started breathing heavily.

“John, what is it? How can i help you?“

Gale sounded desperate. He was trying to get through John, but he didn't let him. He was also confused, he had no idea what was happening. For the first time he couldn't read John's mind.

John always made sure, that whatever that felt too intimate was played into a joke or a 'friendly thing' later. He tried so hard to keep his feelings under a lock. But it wasn't enough, it hasn't been. Not when Gale is doing this. Why is he doing this?

“No, Gale. No. You- you can't.“

John choked out. Catching his breath. It was hard to breathe.

“What do you mean, Bucky?”

“Why are you here? Where's Marge?”

Gale flinched in the smallest way at the sound of her name. He thought he managed to hide it, but John noticed.

“John, don't mention Marge, it's-“

“Buck, don't tell me you two broke up.“

“Would it be so bad, if we did?”

“No, no, Buck why would you do that? You two were a perfect couple. You'd have a perfect happy marriage and maybe like three kids, i don't know. She'd give you everything you needed.“

Bucky breathed out. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Marge was security, safety and she loved Gale. Why would Gale want to go to him. He doesn't offer these things.

“Why are you saying this, Bucky?“

Gale's voice broke at the end. And his eyes started to water. They never really cried in front of each other. This is something else.

“Because you just ruined your life. And i need to know it's not because of me. Buck, i need you to tell me, all this wasn't because of me.“

“I can't say that, John.”

Those words were like a sword to his heart. He just ruined Gale's life. This was never supposed to happen. Gale was supposed to marry Marge, John was supposed to be his best man and then become the funny uncle for their kids. Having Gale in his life, but not fully ruining it. Not letting his love see the surface.

“I don't get it. Why would you do this to yourself, Gale? Why?“

Gale's eyes widened and then saddened at the sound of his real name. John rarely calls him that. And in this sentence, in this moment, it pretty much feels like he just pulled himself away from Gale forever. Took all his stuff and left Buck alone. Their souls no longer intertwined.

“What do you mean, John? Why are you talking like this? I thought you-“

Gale was coming closer to John again, reaching for him. Trying to feel him, his presence, his soul. John denied him.

“No, you don't know shit, Gale.“

And he pushed his hand away. Things started to get more heated. Both of them are starting to get angry. Both of them for very different reasons.

“Well, maybe I don't know shit, but i know one thing. The only thing that I'm sure of now, the thing that i was only ever sure of. And that's that i love you. I've always loved you and right now I've ruined everything, because... I thought you felt the same way, John. I really did thought that. After everything, i just assumed... Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for assuming.“

And suddenly the atmosphere in the room changes completely. It's sad again.

John isn't sure if he's imagining it or not, but he sees a tear stream down Gale's face.

“Stop, stop this. I can't do this.“

“I'm sorry. I'm truly, so incredibly sorry, Bucky.“

John sighed heavily. He wants to be mad at Gale, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if Gale left thinking John didn't felt the same way. He couldn't let that happen. When he ruined his life, he can't let him hate himself or question everything he ever believed in.

Did he really believed in us like this?

“No, Buck. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, this shouldn't be happening. You- you were supposed to be at home with Marge and i was supposed to be your best friend. And i just...“

John trailed off. After suppressing his feelings for such a long time, he wasn't even able to speak them out loud now. He just couldn't find the words.

'I love you too. I love you more than anything.'

He couldn't being himself to say that. It was the truth, yet he couldn't say it.

“Bucky, do you feel the same or not? Because I'll go and never come back if you say no, but you need to say it. You need to say, you don't love me.“

What should he do now? Wouldn't it be better if he just said he doesn't love him? Maybe, he could still save his relationship with Marge. Or maybe he'll find some other girl. Someone better than him. But then he'd left Buck thinking that all these years, all their touches, their soft words for each other didn't mean anything. That it was all fake.

Is all that worth the sacrifice? Gale will hate him. Gale will loathe him after this. Is he ready for that? Whatever he'll say now will decide of their future. It's all in John's hands. And he thinks it's too much power for such ugly and calloused hands like his.

“I don't love you, Gale.“

'I've never loved anyone as much as you.'

They lock eyes and both of them know it's the last time they'll see each other. They stare and stare a bit longer. None of them moves or dares to speak. It's like Gale is trying to process what just happened.

Trying to fool his head that John didn't actually say that. Or maybe cursing himself for saying that promise about leaving earlier.

After a while, he straightens his posture and chokes out:

“Okay, goodbye then, Bucky. I'm glad we could have each other, at least for a minute.“

Gale didn't wait for John to reply. As he was walking to the front door and opening them to leave, he turns around for the very last time. He turns around and he looks at Bucky and he thinks that he's gonna rot in this place.

When John doesn't say anything, he walks through the doorframe outside and closes the door. Soon enough John hears an engine starting and then car taking off his driveway.

Gale was gone. Gale was gone forever and John did that. John made Gale go away. Isn't that funny? Bucky made Buck leave him. It was ridiculous to even think about. Buckies were joined at the hip, always together. Whenever they had a fight, they made up eventually. Not now. Not this time.

But what if rot right here, in this hellhole he called 'home' was exactly what Bucky wanted. After the war, Bucky didn't think he deserves to live, didn't think he deserves anything really.

For the first time Gale wasn't the solution to his problem. He thought he might be, but he wasn't. There's only one solution.

So John goes to his shitty bathroom. Starts running the water for his bath. Goes back to the kitchen and takes his favourite and most sharpest knife. He puts it on the sink and goes up to his bedroom. He takes the letter Gale has send to him not long after they returned home.

He was so sweet in it, so optimistic. It was hope. Hope that didn't last long. He takes it with him and returns to the bathroom. He contemplates locking the door, but then he realizes he's totally alone in this world and so he decides to let the door open.

If someone would be looking hard enough, they could probably spot him from his backyard window. That doesn't matter though, there's no one out there who would look for him now.

He sinks into the bath. The water spills over, but he doesn't care. He takes the letter and the knife both to each hand.

The letter gets wet immediately, the ink slowly smudging and the words weren't real anymore. Whatever Gale said didn't matter now, because the letter was wet and that meant it was time.

He took the knife and slit one of his wrists. It hurt so much, but it feels right. He takes the letter and washes it in his blood, marking it in his messed up way. When the letter was just red and the water was starting to get red too, he painfully took the knife and slit his other wrist. Now there was only pain and the color red.

He breathes heavily, tries to not think about the pain and it actually works (for a minute). He thinks about Gale, about his lovely Buck, his best friend, his soulmate. He tries not to feel like a coward, but it's hard. He thinks about his smile and the way his hair would fall on his forehead, when he forgot to style it. And the way the words 'i love you' rolled out so easily from his mouth and how they were meant for John.

The color red overtakes every one of John's senses and all he can see is red. Not for long though. Soon after that a black darkness hugs him and he welcomes it. He hugs it back the same way he did, when Gale first arrived to England. His last thoughts and hopes were that Buck will eventually be happy. That he'll find happiness. It's the only wish, John had. The only wish, he hopes will come true.

And so John kills himself, because he feels unworthy of living. Buck's light wasn't enough for him to get back on the path. He was long way lost. No coming back. Not even the love of your love confessing their love to you.

John joined the sky as a star. He's shining brightly, just for Gale. Just for his Buck. Maybe it'll be enough after lying about the only thing that has ever felt right to him. Maybe Gale will forgive him.

It was never enough. Gale had never forgiven him.

A star shines forever though.

I've been trying to post this for so long, somehow it just wasn't working for me. This is out on ao3 already, if that's what you prefer, but I'll post it here too. Hope you enjoyed it!!

(shyly tagging @alienoresimagines again, cause they're the kindest and them reading my fic just warms my heart)

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Seven(ish) sentence sunday

Rules: Post seven(ish) sentences of your current WIP - or just a snippet who cares! And tag your writer friends to see what they're working on.

Thank you so much @counting0nit for the tag! I really appreciate it. This is from my latest fic that i posted, enjoy!

Red water

Gale flinched in the smallest way at the sound of her name. He thought he managed to hide it, but John noticed. “John, don't mention Marge, it's-“ “Buck, don't tell me you two broke up.“ “Would it be so bad, if we did?” “No, no, Buck why would you do that? You two were a perfect couple. You'd have a perfect happy marriage and maybe like three kids, i don't know. She'd give you everything you needed.“ Bucky breathed out. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Marge was security, safety and she loved Gale. Why would Gale want to go to him. He doesn't offer these things. “Why are you saying this, Bucky?“ Gale's voice broke at the end. And his eyes started to water. They never really cried in front of each other. This is something else.

Tags: anyone who wants to participate!

[valstarsandgalaxies]

This is so old, but i think the start had potential and that it was written quite beautifully, so i decided to finish this little thing. It's mostly just a conversation between the Buckies, nothing serious. The only thing that awaits you here is fluff :) Chose some random prompt for inspiration and here it is! I've been struggling with a writing block, but since this only needed the ending, it wasn't that hard. Hope I'll be able to deliver more fics in the near future! Now enjoy this little piece, please<3

[ irresistable ] sender taunts receiver by easing closer, promising a kiss, and then backing away, making receiver chase their lips.

"Do you think that somewhere else we haven't gone to war?"

John asks curiously and Gale just sighs. John gets like this sometimes. Asking questions that don't really make sense or more like don't matter at all. Because they aren't somewhere else and they never will be. This is all they got.

But John likes to think beyond that. He likes to think about the what ifs. Because they absolutely couldn't do that while there was a war on, there wasn't time for any what ifs, but now they have all the time in the world and sometimes Gale feels like John doesn't know what to do with it.

Thoughts like this surface from the depths of John's mind, because now's the time to actually acknowledge them. And for one, he's not afraid to word them out loud.

"What do you mean, John? Do you think there was somewhere in the world where we wouldn't have to go fight?"

"No. No, i didn't mean it like that. I meant, you know, maybe some other universe or just totally different world. Like do you think there's some reality where we were safe? Where we didn't have to go through all this shit?"

For Gale this is a useless conversation. He doesn't believe in all this stuff of alternative universes and life beyond their life they're currently living. But John had really clung to those ideas lately.

And Gale gets it a bit, he supposes. He really tries to understand it, for his Bucky. He thinks that maybe things are easier for John, when he thinks about the fact that somewhere else they can be together without the judgement of others. That they can get married. And that they didn't have to go through the terrors of this goddamn war. That somewhere else things have been better for them.

If he should speak for himself, he thinks things would suck anywhere else too. They would suck in a different way, but there's no way of getting a perfect life.

He lost his train of thoughts as John sits next to him on the couch. Thighs touching, but John turns his upper body to Gale to study his face.

"You're thinking about this more than i thought you would. But unfortunately i can't hear your thoughts, Buck. Mind sharing them with me?"

He tilts his head and asks in a teasing voice.

"I don't want to ruin your good mood."

The grin faded from his face, but was quickly restored by a smile. A smaller one, but it was there.

"So you think there isn't?"

"I just think that wherever we'd be, there would be some different stuff we'd need to fight with. I mean sure, there are only a few things worse than war, but I don't know."

"Tell me more."

Gale turns his head exaggeratedly with an annoyed expression, but it quickly changes, when he sees John's face.

"Please?"

He just wanted to have a conversation, he's probably just curious and wants to hear Gale's opinion about it and so Gale obliges, as he always does with Bucky.

"It's just that- I think sometimes you get lost in all those possibilities and you think that somewhere else we could have a perfect life. But I don't think that's possible. There will always be problems and maybe something else would happen to us. I'm not saying that there aren't places, where things weren't so rough, but there'll always be something."

Bucky is looking at him like he put the moon in the sky himself. Like he just said something incredible.

"I think i get what you're saying. Another idea popped up in my head after you said that."

He doesn't make his sentence into a question, but he hopes Gale would ask.

"What were you thinking, Bucky?"

"If there's always something bad everywhere, there has to be a reward, if we get through it, right? Like right now, us, being together, this is our reward for surviving the war. And then i guess somewhere else with different problems, we'd get a different reward. Something to make it worth going through that shit."

John says, his expression still kind of contemplative. Then Gale turns to him to catch his eyes and says:

"I am your reward?"

Bucky smiles.

"Of course, you are. Am i not your reward?"

He says, insulted at the implication that he isn't.

"Well, depends. Define the word reward for me, please."

John scoffs and turns his head away. It looked like he was actually sulking, so Gale turns off his teasing mode and turns on the serious mode.

"Hey."

He said as he took Bucky's face in his hands to make him look at him again.

"Of course, you're my reward after all this. You're all i ever wanted."

John melted at the words and leaned in to kiss Gale. It was soft and sweet. John licked gently into his mouth and made a sound, when Gale hands found their way to his waist and shoved him half on top of him.

"You're all I've ever wanted, doll. If there wasn't you, there would be no purpose for me. There's only you and no one else."

It makes Gale giggle and smile shyly. And he also blushed. John can always make his blush so easily, it's quite annoying sometimes.

They lean close to each other again, John brushing his nose against Gale's, going for his lips, but Gale pulled away. Which made John chase his lips and fall right on top of him.

"Hey, what was that? Where are you going?"

"We should go up and do something. Remember how we should go buy groceries, cause we literally ate plain bread with a tomato this morni-"

John doesn't let him finish as he kisses him again. More chaste this time, like the only purpose really was to shut him up.

"Okay, okay. We'll go grocery shopping later. But now let me enjoy my reward."

He grins as strangles Gale's hips with his thighs and puts his hands on his shoulders. He grinds his hips down on Gale's and Gale makes a sound he didn't want to escape past his mouth.

"Or we can go right now."

"It can wait."

Gale says hurriedly, puts his palms on John's waist and looks at him with hungry eyes. But there was also adoration, something sweet. Like he can never get enough of this man. And it's painfully true. He doesn't know what he'd do without John. He doesn't even wanna think about it. There's definitely no other universe, no other place, where they aren't together in some way. There can't be.

Before he can think about it even more, Bucky brings him back to reality by saying:

"Do you wanna go to the bedroom, love?"

He just shakes his head, doesn't need to answer, because the question was answered before it even left Bucky's mouth.

"Now, show me how you treat your reward."

Gale finally says and John kisses him like it's the end of the world.

[valstarsandgalaxies]

WIP GAME

Rules : make a new post and share some sentences from your recent unposted wip with zero context. Let your followers guess.

Thank you so much @triggerlil for tagging me! I appreciate it<3

Now i don't have any wip right now, so i decided to just write a new thing for this. I used @johnslittlespoon 's prompts that he shared on his account to get inspired and this is what came out of it.

Just to clarify things a little (yeah, sorry, i need to give you a context if i wanna live with myself) this is pre-war. Probably their basic training, when they were roommates. Cute little fluff, I'd say :) And it's just for you<3

The prompt: “Your hair keeps falling into your eyes, do you know that? Let me just-“

They're eating breakfast alone in the cafeteria. They miraculously overslept as John turned the alarm off last night unintentionally. So now they need to hurry the fuck up to catch up with the other boys.

“Really, John? Why would you turn the alarm off? You know that the alarm is off limits. You don't touch that. I thought that was an established rule, no?“

John wasn't really listening. Since they had to hurry a lot, Gale didn't fix his hair and it was falling into his eyes and face. As much as Buck tried to ignore it, he pushed his beautiful blonde strands of hair away every two minutes.

“John, come on! Are you even listening to me?“

“Yeah, ‘m sorry. I just- I wasn't feeling well and i didn't wanna hear the horrendous sound of it in the morning.“

“You could just tell me if you weren't feeling well. I'd just take it with me and I'd turn it off immediately. But we share a room, Bucky, that means that whatever you do affects me too. And you can't just-“

He suddenly felt a hand on his face. Bucky reached out and tucked his messy hair out of his eyes. He carefully pushed them all away, revealing Gale's bright blue eyes that just make him go insane, cause they're basically hypnotizing, so when he looks into them for too long it becomes dangerous.

Buck looks at him, confused. Eyes wide and a slight smile on his lips. Well, probably not yet, but his lips were just about to curl up into one though. If he just squinted his eyes.

“Sorry, it's just- Your hair kept falling into your eyes, so i just... You know.“

John trailed off, suddenly feeling heat in his cheeks and he was afraid they'll look just like the tomatoes on his plate soon.

But finally that made Buck smile and then he was laughing. He made this satisfying sound John will never forget.

“Well, who's fault is that, John?!“

“Right, yeah, sorry for that. I like your way better like this though.“

“How? Messy and raffled and unstyled?“

“Yeah. Just natural, you know. I can just stroke my fingers through them.“

And he did exactly that. If now he wasn't the only one with rosy cheeks that was only between them.

Tags: anyone who wants to participate!!

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Little "John always ending up alone" drabble

And even though technically there wasn't anything wrong with him... There must be. There must be if he always ends up alone. The fact that people always leave him no matter what has to mean something. First his parents. His father died when he was young and his mother was very distant. She didn't really care anymore once he was old enough and then joined the air force. Then Curt. His best friend. Blew up in the sky. No goodbye, no nothing. The war doesn't wait for you to say goodbye. Doesn't prepare you for this kind of loss. He feels sad when he remembers there'll be no more stupid jokes, no more loud and obnoxious presence that in a way kept him grounded. The thing with pilots was there was no body. Either you blew up in the sky or you died on enemy land. The fact that Curt will never have a grave haunts John to this day. And now Buck. His Buck.

"This can't work out, Bucky. We gotta stop."

They gotta stop what? Kissing each other whenever they want. Sleeping in the same bed for warmth and comfort. To help the other recover from a nightmare when needed. Holding each other, checking their pulse, or the steady rise and fall of their chest? Whatever they were doing was love. How can you stop love?

"But... I love you, Buck."

John said and it didn't change a thing.

"Oh, John."

Gale said as he stepped closer and hugged him. No kiss. This was their goodbye and Gale didn't want to kiss him.

"See you around."

He says it like he believes it. Like this almost certainly isn't the last time they're seeing each other in person.

"See ya on the other side."

John can't help, but say. Gale's eyes widen, but then he composes himself and just nods his head.

Because the only time they'll reunite again will be in their graves. When the endless dark will consume them and the only light will be the other's soul.

[valstarsandgalaxies]

Last line tag (art edition)

I was tagged by the talented @counting0nit , who shared her beautiful drawing and i was just like amazed. So i decided I'll share my poem with you guys :) This was written for @brotherwtf for clegan.

Ocean and fire

Even though he doesn't think he was ever colder than now, he feels flames in him. Flames started by another person. Flames that burn him alive, when he's next to him. His whole body gets on fire, but when he looks into his ocean blue eyes, it calms him down. The water takes the fire down like it was never there, comforting the burnt skin with its cool waves, making sure the salt heals the wounds. His hands seem to be both ocean and fire. As his touch linger like a burn, but soothes as a fresh water. He doesn't think he'll ever understand. What did he do to deserve this man's touch? But then their lips met, and nothing existed anymore, he was burning and drowning at the same time. But after the same safe blue eyes spoke to him: "I'll love you as long as you breathe", and so he inhaled the same air as him, opened his eyes, and found the man in front of him smiling. He could feel his flames on his body, even though he wasn't touching him. They created their own balance, water and fire in one, keeping each other alive, whenever they needed heating up or cooling down.

Ever since then his favourite thing to do was burn ‘i love you‘ on his skin by his touch, when their souls were the closest. Making sure it'll never fade away, that the scar will stay forever, as well as his unending love for him.

Tags: @alienoresimagines @brotherwtf and anyone who wants to share their beautiful art with the world!

[valstarsandgalaxies]

WIP sneak peak

It was like he totally disappeared. Bucky wasn't there anymore. There was just this vessel. A body that was spared. No soul left in it though.

He tries to be okay with the fact, but he wants to destroy something whenever he thinks about it. All this, this war, it's taken life out of John. He's alive, sure. People would say he's one of the lucky ones. But John's not living. He's not alive. He may be breathing, but that's the only difference between him and the boys who died.

He thinks back to the times, where he thought that Bucky was the embodiment of life. It was right when they met. It was so weird back then. Because Bucky cared so much about everything, but at the same time didn't give a fuck about anything. At first Gale didn't understand as to how can one person possess both of those things. Later, he realized what it actually meant.

Bucky didn't care about the usual stuff a normal person would care about. There weren't many things that could make John embarrassed. He did things without actually thinking about them and he didn't care what others think, not really. But what he did care about are things that he values. He cared about their men. He always had. He cared about him. That's what he learned pretty soon too.

Now it feels like he's looking at Bucky's shadow. It feels like they're all waiting for the real Bucky to show up.

Still trying to get out of my writers block. Still not really succeeding. This is just little something I've been trying to work on. This piece is inspired by Mazzy Star especially this song and the whole So Tonight That I Might See album.

Let me know if it's any good!!

[valstarsandgalaxies]

First line analysis

Rules: post the first lines of up to 10 of your last fics/chapters posted on AO3 or your WIPs and try to draw some conclusions.

Thank you so much @ranger-elizabeth for the tag!! This seems like quite an interesting thing, so let's try this and we'll see what we'll find out lol :)

(let's probably start from the newest to the oldest)

Guardian angel

John feels useless. And lonely. He just fucks up everything that comes to his hands.

Red water

John doesn't think he deserves anything good. And Buck is more than good.

Lover, you should've come over

‘I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell him how i feel. It'd ruin everything and it wouldn't even matter at the end.’ Gale thinks to himself.

Breathe, baby

He can't breathe. He's trying to catch his breath, unsuccessful.

Messy hair

They're eating breakfast alone in the cafeteria.

Constellations

They were here. Living this moment. They still had time, but John was afraid it'll be the last one.

I know it's over and it never really began

It's over. The war is finally over and they're alive. They're both alive.

Black hole that fell in love with the Sun

Chapter 1: John doesn't feel good. He hadn't felt good ever since Buck went down. And ever since he got into the stalag.

Chapter 2: He's in the barrack again and he hasn't really spoken to anyone in days.

Once more to see you

When he got into that red telephone box in London, he didn't expect it to change his life completely.

Okay, so what i learned is that john's feeling feels in my fics. No, but i think i just subconsciously transfer all my problems on John (john kinnie problem) and i also love writing angst. I honestly don't know if there's any pattern. I kind of struggle with the first lines, I'm not sure how to start somehow originally and then get to the point.

A thing i know i do a lot is the"we're alive, we made it, the war is behind us and now we're here and we're breathing." Yeah, i tend to write that a lot. Kind of gives more tension when you do flashbacks, which i do a lot too. Which i think might mean that I don't know if i wanna write pre-war or post-war or war lol.

Now I'm just talking nonsense. Thank you so much for the tag again and if you wanna check out the fics, here's my masterlist where you find all the important things and links ;)

[valstarsandgalaxies]

My masterlist ❀❁❀❁

Hi! I'm Val and welcome to my blog :)

My ao3

My mota drabbles

My edits

Fics info below ↓

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

As long as it's with you, it's worth it

G, wc: 1 151

"Do you think that somewhere else we haven't gone to war?"

John asks curiously.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Read on tumblr

Guardian angel

M, wc: 1 213

Gale's most likely to never come near him again. And John's not surprised, because as much as he might have hoped that his relationship with Gale will be different, he knew that it won't be, from the very start.

Read on tumblr

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Red water

T, wc: 2 275

“Bucky, do you feel the same or not? Because I'll go and never come back if you say no, but you need to say it. You need to say, you don't love me.“ Or John doesn't think he's worthy of Gale's love.

Read on tumblr

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Lover, you should've come over

G, wc: 811

In his most desperate moment, he said: "I even thought you could be my best man." ... "I'll be your best man." John said and hadn't really realised what that actually meant.

Read on tumblr

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Breathe, baby

G, wc: 1 532

"Buck, darling, you need to breathe, okay? You need to breathe for me, could you do that?" Or Buck gets overwhelmed which translates into him having a panic attack and while he's trying to deal with it alone, his Bucky comes to rescue him (like always).

Read on tumblr

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Messy hair

G, wc: 386

Buck and Bucky overslept and now they have to deal with the aftermath. (Actually, it was John's fault.)

Read on tumblr

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Constellations

T, wc: 2 350

“Tell me more about how the night sky and stars make you feel... Please.“ “You wanna hear more?“ John asked carefully, slowly, speaking the words clearly to the night. “Yeah.“ Gale breathed out. And so he did. Or John plans to confess his feelings to Gale. What he didn't quite plan was that Gale had something to say too.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

I know it's over and it never really began

T, wc: 2 964

“I love you, Buck.“ “It'll pass.“ Or Buck and Bucky talk about their love, but everything from Gale's mouth comes out wrong and cold. Buck also recollects the nature of their relationship and thinks back on how things used to be.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Black hole that fell in love with the Sun

T, wc: 2 946, 2/? (not finished)

Black hole sees the sun and its desire is set. Ever so longing for its attention, he would do anything for the sun to notice him. He doesn't even mind getting burnt. But is there a way for the black hole to not destroy the sun by getting close to it? Or John becomes self-destructive at the camp. He doesn't wanna live, but in a way he doesn't wanna die either. He wants to feel something though.

Moodboard

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Once more to see you

T, wc: 2 527

“There's only life before you and after you. I'm not ready to let you go, so there's not really any after for me yet. Because you will come back to me.“ Or John goes down in the mission to Bremen and Buck is the one left standing, safe in London, while John is probably being captured in some German camp or worse... He's dead.

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

My one piece fics

My hunger games (the ballad of the songbirds and snakes) fic