#it freaks me out every time i try | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

g1ngerbeer · 2 months

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do you think they noticed a change, the first few loops. i think they did. because how could they not, cheng xiaoshi and qiao ling, the two closest friends lu guang has, seeing him walk out of the room through a camera shutter and re-enter changed. diminished, faded, sad, the worn and cracking face of an old photograph. more and more tired each time he dives, further and further back with each attempt. every time a failure. and even as he lets the tides of time weather him more - render him a ghost, it feels like sometimes - even as lu guang changes more and more from the person he used to be, so too does that moment of disconnect in his friends’ eyes shorten and fade. because they don’t know him anymore. the golden stretch of time he spends by their sides before it all goes wrong is sliced thinner and thinner with every photo he uses, his touch blurring the memory with blood. each time he fails they know him less - the first him, the one unburdened by the terrible knowledge he now holds and the weight of too many failures.

soon they will never have known him at all.

Because you would notice if your best friend time travelled from a horrible future, but not if he travelled back so far he erased the person he once was (the person you knew) (the person you loved, first. before you loved this newer-older transparent version, never knowing a difference.)

(and this too is a loss to be grieved, he thinks sometimes in the dead of night to the sound of soft breathing in the bunk below, selfishly. but it is worth it if cheng xiaoshi lives.)

(the death of everything lu guang ever was is worth it if it means cheng xiaoshi lives.)

#My theory that photos cant be reused so lu guang started out diving to just before Whatever Bad Thing Happened. like a reasonable person #but hes running out of photos so every time he has to go further back in time and erase more of the original timeline. yeah #ginger yells #link click #link click spoilers #i know cheng xiaoshi is the dead one who exists only in memory but thats from lu guangs pov. to everyone else *lu guang* is the ghost #i think about this a lot #lu guang coded #<- for blog organization #kind of a nothing post but something about this sunk-cost-fallacy-plagued freak of a catboy makes me want to try writing bad meta. deal

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luuxxart · 3 months

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💫FIRST | PREV | NEXT | COMICFURY💫

🌟updates Saturday and Sunday🌟

✨(read tags for extra info!)✨

#p5 pmd au #p5 pmd comic #persona 5 #pokemon #pmd #shuake #(if that gets annoying in the tag after a while shoot me an ask and I’ll take the tag off lol just trying to advert)#((not putting that warning in every page tho 😗))#WOOOOO first thirty pages done !!!! this will encompass only the first chapter ofc #the next three chapters are going to be merged into one bc like. the drenched bluff chap and gatekeepers chap are like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also in my playthrough I never got the gatekeepers chapter notification ….. even tho I clearly remember it being a thing….#loudred was just like. HEY. gatekep.#ALSO HMMMMMMMM mightyena guild……. I wonder who the Guildmaster is…..#I never really understood why it freaks the partner out to step on the gate . like. babey. It’s not that serious #akechi does have a reason tho and I will not be elaborating at this time

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lycanlovebites · 3 months

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You know what? Fuck you *hits Father Ardelian with the shoujo filter and babygirlifies your priest*

@stjohnstarling

#wmom #father ardelian #victor ardelian #Victor wmom.. my favorite blonde tortured white boy turned babygirl.. I love u #what manner of man #tbh this is not my best work but I am working under trying conditions ok (iPad is dying on me and is determined to quit me out of procreate #5 times while working on this 😔#I was less worried abt proportions and such and more concerned with the fact that my iPad is a sickly victorian #child and keeps rejecting my gentle coaxing and attempts to clear storage on it and trying to make sure #it doesn’t corrupt any of my projects #anyways idk if anyone saw this but like two weeks ago I posted this drawing except it was my oc Gabriel #the Hans of the southern isles lookin guy #I decided to redraw this (aka make some minimal changes) to make it Victor #so if anyone saw this same drawing but a redhead w glasses… no u didn’t <3 #priest tag #My art #art #priest art #Sorry to tag u St. John #I know you probably like seeing stuff about your oc but like. Every time I do it feel like I’m gonna explode #like please don’t hate me. But I drew your guy. please accept my humble drawing. Sorry to bug you but here he is #anyways uh I hope someone likes my pink girlypop priest drawing. Happy pride you little freaks <3 (affectionate) (I’m freaks)

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cluescorner · 5 months

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I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc

#damian wayne #damian al ghul #damian al ghul wayne #batman #batfamily #for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them #btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done #has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world.#it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something #like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more #three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale #so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point.#I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series.#I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get #hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at.#I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas #where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing #for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good #it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series.#and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well.#instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character #I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay #tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money.#I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip.#it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT #of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well.#and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave #and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him.#I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim #is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR

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agoddamnrayofsunshine · 17 days

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Its fair to say that the DC fandom is a pretty divided space between those who care about canon and those who don’t and I usually veer closer to the canon-caring side but every now and then I venture over to see what those fanon madlads are up to and I have to confess to being, at the very least, deeply entertained every single time

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lemongogo · 3 days

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why do i love the conflict more than anything else . the misery . the incompatibility that spreads like oil slick . wanting so desperately for resolution that never comes . hmmm

#its the allure of like . mismatch btwn right person / wrong time . maybe in personal development and such #or wrong person / right time and trying 2 make it work but the circumstances are set 2 separate you #i think the guilt ford harbors over his relationship w fidds is good and i think hes had a lot of reflection . 30 yrs at least #but i dont rly care for like a . HELPP SRY IM LIKE talking to myself #i dont rly care ‘if’ they got back tgether in the end #fanon wise or whagever obviouslyy . no avrually emma-may kicking fidds out over the xmas thing its over HELPPPP #i feel like i always hve to clarify bc then theres that one guy whos like ‘smth smth you cant read . ooc loser .’idgaf . not gaffing today #i think mcguckets decision to forgive him is rly sweet And i do like the recognition of .. the whole incident being a misstep on both their #parts ykwim ? like ford was an ass for sureee but also mcgucket + memory gun was his own autonomous detriment #but #no i cant read the other tags i was writing i forgot where i was at #anyways im so obsessed w like . this being such an imperfect event with imperfect equals #ford theory and fidds the mechanics . which brw im also obsessed w how That is revered in canon .#but yeah like imperfect event imperfect people who shared an incredible connecfion in my freaking mind #that was ultimately squandered to fords pride and fidds reticence #ugh like i love the rise and fall i love the strenght of their connection generally corroding over time #its just such a cool motivator for both themselves and like its a history they share together and post weirdmageddon get to finally think a #knowing now what they didnt have the tools to recognize then #idk.^__^ they r so crazy to me . playing w them like dolls in my head #fiddleford mcgucket #stanford pines #gravity falls #every time i think ab this wrt every challeneged dynamic i think ab mars in the discord #talking ab x and y charas epic divorce arc #and im not even saying this to discredit Good relationships in media #bc those have a wealth of fun and interesting concepts or dynamics to dive into #its just something ab like . poetry of anger bro . and how love and hate can feel so similar and be borne from the same place #how one can transform into the other and back again due to . idk whatevee the hell theyve got going on^#prev post got me wishing we had more meat to the fallout #or that it was extended in content or scope . i want 2 see how they dealt with losing the other and then

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cerealmonster15 · 4 months

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silver 😑 with his one(1) facial expression + the two most expressive people on this earth that he hangs out with every day

and kalisil :3

#twst #kalim al asim #silver twst #sebek zigvolt #kalisil #twisted wonderland #cereal tries to draw #hehehhehehe #i was writing my fic earlier and then i went to watch silvers dorm vignette for ref #and then i just had son boys on the brain #i love silvers bonds with the other diasomnia characters AND ALSO KALIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!#HIS GOOD BUDDY KALIM WHO IS SO DIFFERENT FROM HIM AND YET. HEART OF GOLD SOLIDARITY #i love them so much. kalim and silver are always so sweet to each other #and sebeks a little freak always i love him every time hes on screen kfdbhkjfdsjfkdlsjf #he was so sweet to silver tho in that story waaaahh WAHHHHH #boys who grow up together and know each other so well ;;;A;;;#also that bottom kalisil fanart is loosely also based on me remembering like. this one pixiv fanart comic from years ago #that i dont fully remember bc i didnt have my phone translator app at the time and i dont speak japanese but #i think it was about kalim losing his phone in the well and trying to get it back bc it had photos of friends on it ?#silver is there and jamil + azul are like. hanging out or something idr theyre there too lol #and theres just a part of it where kalim excitedly jumps on silver i think when he gets his phone back or something #it's just super cute the way he clings onto him and silvers just like yep ok im holding u now. lololol i was always so starved for fanart #pre engtwst so i'd remember older things really well cuz i'd revisit them a lot. i need to go find it again 🚶

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reallyhardy · 6 months

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Sorry what’s up w the Ethan slater stuff? I know him only from your posts / SpongeBob stuff

HI HELLO please buckle in

yep -- the same guy from the spongebob musical, and my posts abut the spongebob musical.

he blew up completely and now the general public knows him as 'ariana grande's new boyfriend' - their relationship seems to have started off the back of co-starring in the upcoming wicked musical film adaptation.

it's just been like. a monkey's paw curling sort of a way for him to get catapulted to fame, as i had always really enjoyed him as a performer (as spongebob, yes, but also in the other roles i'd seen him in,) and my biggest hope back around 2017 was that he would continue in and be really successful in theatre, get a lot of broadway roles, maybe take on some existing parts i thought he'd really suit, like seymour in little shop or ogie in waitress.......... but instead he booked the role of boq from wicked in a massive hollywood film production instead, where he met ariana grande. THE ariana grande.

and then yeah. at some point, he and grande broke up with their respective partners, (slater leaving both his wife AND newborn son) jumped into a new relationship, and now the whole wider internet knows who he is but certainly not for the right reasons.

there's been speculation regarding whether or not grande and slater had cheated on their previous partners before their relationship began with various sources coming out of the woodwork saying "yes they did" and others saying "no they didn't" -- humans are all perfectly capable of making stuff up, the media especially, so i simply don't know who to trust and i admit it had completely shattered my whole good impression of him - PLUS it gave the wider internet an absolutely awful first impression of him, resulting in, yeah, the (frankly, unflattering, sometimes downright cruel) memes of him popping up on twitter and, as i discovered yesterday, in non-theatre youtubers' videos who would literally never have heard of him if not for the slater-grande romance 🥲

FULL COVERAGE of the situation as it was happening can all be found on the lovely @notasimpleslater's blog under the tag 'ozgate' if you want to delve deeper!

#loren talks #ethan slater #months later let's call this my actual full response/reaction lol #i think at the time this was going down at the end of 2023 i was sort of just Freaking Out like my blood was boiling lol #i was parasocially furious with both of them #ofc now i do realise i'd put him on something of a pedestal #having seen his cute posts about his then wife an former childhood sweetheart plus posts welcoming his new son #AND having watched a youtube mini-series he'd made with his then-brother-in-law. i was SO invested and then.#i was like OH. he really DESTROYED his family huh.#but ofc! every situation is nuanced. we don't know what went on behind the scenes #wrg to his relationship. or what grande's was like with her ex-husband #since everything came to light there's been articles stating that slater wants to work with his ex-wife to share custody of their child #and that he's been spotted backstage WITH his son at spamalot on broadway (his current production)#so it sugggests he's not trying to be an Absent Father #which tracks with some of his own artwork as he and nick blaemire DID write a whole musical about the strained relationship between #a father and son and i just feel like. that suggests something about his personal character. and makes me HOPE he'd want to #be a present and loving parent regardless of circumstance.#anyways.#it's simply not my business BUT. seeing his face #popping up every now and again #it does just. feel extremely weird haha #there's a part of me that's like oh but that's musical spongebob my bestie what's he doing here #as for ariana i really have never had a strong opinion of her #but i have to say hearing her songs out and about these days...... :') i could do without it

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notabuddhist · 2 months

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good morning from my room in my rents' house where i relocated to after 11pm with the help of my sister because i absolutely flipped my shit when i heard something scurrying across the floor of my room last night.

#around 10pm i freaked out because something tried to get under the bathroom door and then disappeared when i yelled in suprise #it looked like a big beetle or roach but i didn't see it long enough to know either way #spent an hour stressed af sitting on my bed because the floor was lava #i think partly because i was nervous about being jumpscared by whatever this was #eventually managed to sort out the lights and the bathroom and decided to go to sleep #and i think i could have dealt with the knowledge that this thing was somewhere in the apartment if i couldn't HEAR IT #suddenly #loudly #in the room #immediately panicked #could not have prevented that reaction in myself #definitely couldn't bring myself down #jammed my fingers in my ears so i couldn't hear it anymore and had to wait for my sister to come and get me #except of course i couldn't get up to open the door so she had to get the spare from my aunt #i'm certain my yelling/screaming scared whatever it was because it wasn't in the room by the time anyone got there #it was not dignified in any way and today i'm going to have to go back to my place #and try to work out how it got in #and try to block every fucking space there is between skirting and floor board #which is basically the entire flat #bugs can exist and i will not be happy about it but i can accept it #but they CANNOT be loud enough that you can HEAR THEM SCURRY #idk what it was!#i thought it was a big roach #i have never seen one in the houses here before #deeply deeply unhappy

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opens-up-4-nobody · 19 days

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...

#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain #i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between #things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay #let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think #which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions #also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes #assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r #usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im #already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage #ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect #thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc #im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs #doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now #unrelated

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nomairuins · 29 days

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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And #make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not #saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was #going to say #like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so #bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the #winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000 #other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but #i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its #been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody #responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple #muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it #but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like #im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good #solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start #all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the #punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4 #im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but #even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think #avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is #like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they #hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be #the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO #difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15 #minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case #it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel #stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and #tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i #tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction #like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint

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flufflecat · 1 month

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Another day, another suspiciously yellow and black animal showing up that i have named Bill.

This poor injured swallowtail was in the backyard, so i offered him a variety of flowers then moved him to a safe spot since i cant really do more to help him. He kept trying to climb my arms, but i politely asked him not to try to crawl on my face and i think he agreed.

When I was grabbing some flowers down the road, there was also a flock of goldfinches flitting around the thistles to add to my yellow-animals tally, but i couldn't get any good pics of them.

Between the goldfinches that have shown back up for the first time since june, this butterfly, and Bill the Caterpillar (who has since crawled off somewhere), I'm starting to debate whether spending the past 2 weeks joking about being possessed by bill cipher was a good idea.

Also i came face to face with a deer while out alone last night and i didn't like the way she took a step toward me when i held my hand out. She bowed to me so i bowed back and after about a minute of staring she decided to wander away.

#starting to fear that im living in a bill cipher themed arg #i am taking every pain to be as nice to all of these freaky animals as possible fjdklsa #just in case #id be nice to them anyway but it feels especially important now #i also usually wouldnt pick up a butterfly but his wings are already too messed up for me to really do damage : (#im learning that if you joke about gravity falls being real enough and pretend to be paranoid #then that paranoia will quickly stop being a joke fjkdlsa #the deer especially freaked me out. theyre around here all the time and are very cute #but when you lift up your flashlight to see eyes shining at you directly at human eye level its kind of Freaky #i always try to bow back to the deer. just to be nice.#was lowkey highkey convinced that she was going to try to shake my hand with her weird little hoof #also i hope bill the caterpillar is safe wherever he went #and that bill the butterfly enjoys at least one of the flowers. i wish i could do more for him but i dont have an enclosure : (#seriously though if i get possessed.... oops ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#cute animals #insects #bugs #other things #fluffle talks #not tagging this as anything but i used the show name in the tags so itll probably show up somewhere anyway fjkdsla

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ghostlyheart · 3 months

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I'm trying desperately hard to stay positive and not give into depressive thoughts but I feel very very stuck and like I'm making no progress ahhhhhhhh

#fucked up my whole summer and my academic career which is like the one thing that i feel gives me purpose #i just feel like im not smart anymore if i ever even was #i know im young and that its the depression brain talking but i feel like i have no future and that i've ruined any chance at feeling happy #im just sad and tired all the time. i really try not to be and i feel lazy and guilty about it #my SI is the worst it's ever been in my whole life and i think i genuinely might live like this forever #there's a lot of cognitive distortions going on i know that i know!!! i want to get better and be a functioning person #it's just so lonely and i feel like i can't talk to anyone abt it because i dont want to freak them out #and also i recognize how exhausting it can be to talk to someone who shuts down every piece of advice or suggestion with something negative #so tumblr gets my splurge lol

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piplupod · 3 months

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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more #but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse #i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society #and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this #but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on #and everyone else is just painfully oblivious #I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao #when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak #and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much #i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind #and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it #im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings #but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel #and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard #and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person #i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time #like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people #i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe #Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything #and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them #and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly #like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl #i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well #my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things #and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!

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handweavers · 11 months

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repeatedly coming to the realization that i literally cannot afford to live in the west lol like with my set of circumstances & no high school diploma or college degree and disabilities + a disabled mother who hasn't been able to work for years what money we have saved up is running out so quickly and when it runs out we are completely fucked and i'm desperately trying to find some way to square that & stay in canada but there is none that doesn't require me to suddenly stop being disabled and severely mentally ill which isn't going to happen in this lifetime. which leaves the only other option (moving back home) which i would sincerely love for many reasons i have wanted to move home for a long time but it would require me to go off hrt/partially detransition for safety reasons + leave behind all my friends and my life here which is devastating in equal measure. what a beautiful world we live in

#every time my mom talks to her financial advisor the advisor is like you will run out of money unless kiran gets a well paying job very soon #and it sends me freaking out trying to figure out how i can magically qualify for some kind of stable well paying job #there simply isnt one. i would have to be someone else to make this work and im n #and im not*

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bare1ythere · 4 months

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Trying to figure out why this guy in my discussion group for class was annoying me so much and I finally figured it out: I hate being in any class after 3:30pm and the moment I set foot in that room I am immediately irritated just by the fact that I'm there

#shut up me #Extremely frustrating because no one around me deserves my snappiness #i just dont want to be there so badly so every little thing rubs me the wrong way #I do think he genuinely annoys me a little- he can be a little disrespectful to the prof behind her back #and when we first sat down in a group together I was rereading a section of the text to remember the specifics #and because none of us had said anything for a few seconds after he said his thoughts he was like #''you all... did do the reading right?'' come on man.#(''That's a slight on my honour so now I will forever hold a grudge!'' come on man (to myself this time).)#and I think he misses the point to a lot of the readings we do... thats not like. a crime. but again I am already irritated just being ther #but also ''who would want to read this! its just weird.'' sir youre talking to the freak that loved both of these texts #maybe if you read a few horror stories... youll calm down #Im trying not to let my irritation with the hour cloud my perspective and just focus on not accidentally snapping at someone. sigh #reminder to myself to never take a class that STARTS at 3pm or later. It drains the life out of me

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