#it could have turned out worse lol
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happy 9 years
here's to 990 more
#my art#undertale#chara dreemurr#asriel dreemurr#i would say ' would you believe me if i told you i started drawing this before the newsletter' but if you know me at all you would LOL#i don't have much to say this year. this is a continuation / answer to the one from last year#i don't tend to do 'finished pieces' like this these days but i can't eschew my tradition even if it was a bit like pulling teeth#it could have turned out worse lol#thanks undertale for keeping me alive and giving me most of the good things i still have
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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mashing together my two teenage years interests for dopamine
#johndirk#dirkjohn#homestuck#john egbert#dirk strider#my art#touhoustuck#just a funny little au because some of the parallels and ways character powers reflect eachother is fun#john is in no way as manipulative or a mastermind as yukari but his retcon powers are a very interesting vessel for yukaris gap powers#especially when his hand stuck out in a bunch of pages lol i like to imagine if he could master the powers it would let him do her teleport#around and spy nonsense but he'd just use it to be a class a prankster and for magic tricks#on the other hand yuyuko and dirk have an interesting parallel but one that is more like...the entire point is the culmination of#their characters despite the way they have these splinters. like yuyuko isnt nearly as fragmented as dirk but#theres a distinction between the yuyuko who was alive and the yuyuko whos dead and what she becomes after#its unclear if post PCB shes aware shes the one who sealed the saigyouji ayakashi away but she also just thinks its better for her#not to go down that rabbithole. she'd probably become worse if she did and with dirk he has that clarity with dave when they talk that like#even if there are worse versions of him out there. the fact he thinks and stops before proceeding separates him and i like to think that#is something he takes to heart with him post canon to stop beating himself up so much. umh also soul powers = ghost powers lalala#just silly and self indulgent tbh like im not extrapolating or translating backstories but in this au its fun to think o#humans turning into youkai like yukari used to be human and so did yuyuko. john and dirk used to be human and went godtier...anyways
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I really want Adam to have a crush on Lucifer back from the Eden days and despite trying, it never really goes away so the heartbreak of it all just makes him extra cranky and antagonising and he tries really hard to hate Lucifer, and he does, a little bit, but it's more that he's hurt and angry. So when they meet again after so long and the way it goes... oof
#adam was so jealous and hurt when lucifer fell in love with lilith instead of him#it was even worse because he suddenly felt exluded#and he thought “okay i can get their attention back” and turned into an asshole lol#and i want him to angrily vent at lucifer#who absolutely had no idea about adam's feelings#he knew adam was nicer in the beginning and it changed but didn’t know the cause#now he does#and its not really his fault but also he's guilty and could have handled it better and just#dudes need to talk#maybe beat each other up a bit#then make out#hazbin hotel#adamsapple#guitarduck#hazbin lucifer#hazbin adam#also just adam knowing it wasn't exactly intentional#but still feeling like lucifer left him all alone when he fell with lilith
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#Fifteen episode 2. Mmmmmmhhhhhh#The animation quality DOES get worse. This episode shows it lol#So many static frames stretching for so long... I feel so sorry for the animators.#I still stand by the fact that if studios can't provide enough budget or time to their animators seasons simply shouldn't be released.#But after all who am I to talk...#The scene of Dazai shooting at the soldier makes my blood freeze. Rimbaud throwing books in the fire is equally upsetting#Like I /know/ it's an anime about literature with constant metafiction references–#and that this too has a symbolic meaning and is *supposed* to be upsetting but that said.#Seeing whole books being thrown in the fire is such a disturbing sight that calls for such a visceral response in me 😭😭😭#The amv opening is nice! Makes me even more bitter about season 5 one lmao. Of the kind#“not only we had to get a amv opening (((while we deserved a wholly ss/kk focused opening)))‚ we even got a bad amv ending at that”#Mmmmhhhh I hateeeeeee how they handled the Sheep 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Seriously this is just another bug instance of#“me and the author have WHOLLY different views of what human nature is like”#I just... Don't think... Children joining together in an hostile environment would act like that. I'm so much more of a t/pn kind of guy.#Children who come together to survive would protect each other and especially would trust each other. Why is there such a big lack of trust#Why doesn't Shirase trust Chuuya? Why doesn't Chuuya trust Shirase (with handling more information)? It's just dumb#It's dumb. It sounds stupid from the very plot aspect that Chuuya would act so shady and suspicious with the Sheep instead of being open–#about what his course of action is. It's like he was trying to have them turn on him. It's stupid of Shirase to mistrust Chuuya–#when in eight years he never gave them any reason to doubt of him.#And I know right as I'm writing this that someone is going to read it and think “you're completely missing on the unbalance of power that–#creates these dynamics of lack of trust” but the thing is exactly that I don't see why that unbalance of power would ever come to be!#They're all just kids. They're aware of that. If Chuuya never had malicious intentions towards Shirase‚ I don't see why he would ever fear–#his betrayal. Likewise‚ I don't see why Shirase and the other Sheep members would ever be so manipulative and disrespectful towards–#Chuuya if he's been nothing but kind to them (and we have no reason to think otherwise)?#It all comes down to: I think people are inherently good and willing to help each other. The author thinks not lmao. It is what it is#But I wish you could see t/pn. Where kids are constantly trying to outwit each other in order to OUT-SACRIFICE THEMSELVES for the others lo#I love t/pn it's my life... I miss it#random rambles#And if anyone would like to argue that Dazai specifically set them off to betray each other... Yes I DO understand that's what the story–#is suggesting. I just don't think Dazai - for how good. and infallible he is - is enough to scrape long-term relationships of trust.
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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Ok so apparently it's not normal that whenever someone goes to a restaurant and I'm with them, I expect them to get just themselves food and then we leave. Like if you get me food or ask if I want anything I will in fact look at you like you're a stranger who just walked up and offered me a 100 dollar bill
#what can i say im just used to getting nothing#both my parents and my older sisters would go to get food and basically never get me anything#if i did get anything it also wasnt 'what do you want' it was 'heres what im getting you youre welcome'#lol and i was okay with that? guys. guys am i supposed to raise my standards#is this like. am i not respecting myself enough#like this is me having gottwn much better too. i used to be even worse#if i went to your house and you let me sleep on something that wasnt the floor i would stare at yoy in shock#i was mentally incapable of comprehending that i could get whatever i wanted off of a menu#one time my friends mom actually yelled at me because she took me to dunk8n donuts and asked what i wanted#and i froze up so bad that i just couldnt say anything because i didnt know what she meant#i was like 'oh you dont need to get me anything' 😭😭 and she INSISTED she had to get me something#for context i mustve been like 9 and i had NEVER had anyone ask my what i wanted before#i also was so prepared to just skip breakfast due to the anxiety of this situation#turns out having kids skip breakfast is also not super normal? me and my sisters usually wouldnt eat breakfast#especially on sunday mornings before church because there was snacks there
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I WOULD get the most awful itch to write after months of not rly writing (tm2 scripting doesn’t count) during artfight huh 😔
#AUGHHH!! I want toWRITE#(sitting down to draw rn bc I have a huge list of charas I WANT RO DRAW BUT I WANT TO WRITE AT THE SAME TIME#WHY WAS I NOT BORN AN OCTOPUS SO I COULD MULTITASK WITH MANT ARMS)#I got back from the psych appointment a while ago and I’m kinda exhausted mentally from that so I’m not sure I could rly write even if I#want to lol#it went well it’s just that talking abt that kind of thing is exhausting and kind of embarrassing when it’s professionals like lol sorry my#brain sucks and then they ask well how does it suck. and that’s embarrassing somehow#guy made me do math too and that was actually so painfully embarrassing I ended up just kind of asking if we could skip that bc after like#several guesses I could NOT do basic math at the top of my head 😭#like sir we both see I’m struggling PLSS just mark this as a bad area and GO ON#he was so nice and that made it worse 🥲 djdkfkrjfk#anyway when art fight is done I will write something….#maybe finish that loz fic I still have as a wip ?? I was deeply mad at it and also totk pissed me off so bad I didn’t want to touch a loz#fic for a while for fear of taking my frustration out on it and turning a fic into a fixit rant fic 😭 it isn’t even a botw fic lmaoo theres#no need for that. but also I could fix her (bad video game) (totk not botw I love botw)#here’s 2 hoping echos of wisdom is good (PLEASE PLEASW BE GOOD RARE PLAYABLE ZELDA GAME)#(SO FEW LOZ GAMES LET U BE ZELDA I NEED U TO BE GOOD MY MENTAL HEALTH HIMGES ON U)#sanchoyorambles
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I didn’t think I’d ever find a more maladjusted, socially inept and downright unhinged autistic woman fave than Tannis. but Reagan from Inside Job is GUNNING for that title
#im not even halfway through IJ and im like good LORD lmao#my blorbo Reagan who has every trauma-related mental illness#i genuinely can't decide which of the two of them is worse off#I'm considering Reagan canonically autistic btw bc of 2 different characters saying she has 'Asperger's'#and also like. it's incredibly fucking obvious. lol#i clicked the show on a whim on Netflix bc I saw a lady in a lab coat and went Neat#and she turned out to be everything I could have wanted and more#she makes me go YIPPEE!! and also Holy Shit Please Get Therapy#the show itself is just 'ok' but Reagan is like. i am cupping her gently in my hands.
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i think what's even more fucked about Jim's dad leaving is the fact that it's implied he was so emotionally neglectful that Jim has a clear memory of him completely ignoring him and his hobbies.... like wtf no wonder he has trust issues
#thank god his mom raised him as good as she did lol he really could have turned out much worse#i think that added w/ him just.... NOT telling his kid he was leaving or even hinting he'd visit#that's so realistically awful it makes him one of the worst disney#villains in my eyes
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My fingers are crossed that now I’ve applied for a local GP I can FINALLY a) sort out my hip and b) finish the referral for a social worker. It would make such a huge difference.
#bad pain day so I’m trying to be Positive lol#pain turns me into a depressed bastard and a little bit mean so I’m very much not liking it#especially since my biggest fear is that I’m WELL past the point where physio could do anything besides make it worse#and the only other options are steroid injections or surgery#I don’t wanna do injections because of a lot of reasons but mainly because they don’t always work#but I REALLY don’t want surgery. not on my hip#fingers crossed it just feels worse than it is.#but even just having a support worker!!#someone who could help me with little tasks#remembering to pay bills to buy groceries and just give well. some support lol#on the gp application I said I didn’t have any mental health problems lol#they’ll turn you out and any complaint you make is just Depression or Anxiety#I may later down the road but nah.. it’s precarious#with my medical background I gotta be so careful about what I say#when there’s less than 70ppl globally with your condition it’s easy to get called a faker lol#bad pain day has made me freaked. plus I just CANNOT lose my job. I think that’s what tomorrow is gonna be about tbh#I’m already looking at other work just in case#god I CANNOT lose my job
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Me: despite knowing that I will be in a lot of pain later if I don't do it for the five hours shift, I don't put my knee braces on.
Me five hours later with my entire lower body in enough pain to make me want to not walk around at all:
#heds#probably#hypermobility spectrum disorder#hypermobility#pots possibly#apparently i was around an 8ish on the pain scale when i asked my fiancee to see where#“pushing through it but having to sacrifice some things getting done tonight because i wont do a lot of it otherwise bc of the pain and#being tired“ was on the pain scale. apparently the way i said it described around an 8. i thought i was naybe at a 4/5? lmao#i apparently had gotten to the oint of out of it/derealizing/disassociating/something when i got to my car#took a half hour to just drive the mostly empty interstate and blast music at full volume#and then called my fiancee when i felt real/like a person/aware again#basically when i could turn the music down bc it began to be irritating and overloading instead of comforting.#usually that measn im more regulated. somehow. lol.#chronic pain#if i dont wear knee braces tommorow this only gets WORSE lmaok#also i think i might be developing allodynia or whatever its spelled when touch causes pain?#specifically on my legs. no knee braces means any contact on legs hurts. including clothes 😭
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@ananthologyofsouls replied to your post:
(( Imagine if it was the delusion and with it being possibly made from a God's remains or an alternate way the effects would be different. Like it might be hotter or the injuries may burn for longer and retain heat more because it was made in a way that went again Celestia. ))
#ananthologyofsouls#//YOUR MIND#//YES#//Bruh imagine if it was BC of Kae getting a Vision that the injury didn’t turn out worse than it did#//Like the two conflicting energies canceled out JUST enough. But not ENTIRELY#//With the Delusion’s fire still strong enough to burn and hurt; deffo worse and for far longer than regular fire#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//OR#//Imagine if it was also a bit like say; Amaterasu from Naruto#//Bc they couldn’t put out the fires on the diplomats in time to save them; makes me wonder if they could have at ALL#//Like Amaterasu; with only the one who sparked the fire being able to call it off to put it out#//Meaning Vision or not; Kae’s life could have been completely in Luc’s hands the instant the fire got to him#//With only Diluc being the one to be able to call them off#//Eh idk; I think some things are still impervious to Amaterasu’s fire? but shhh#//My thinkings have Increased thanks to you lol
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#im so so so so tired#i want good things happening to me#im tired of saying “well at least ---” or “it could be worse” bc i want it to be better#we all deserve that#it shouldn't be always this difficult or fucking unbearable#i know there are people who have it worse#but see???#i dont want to feel ungrateful for thinking “my life sucks in several ways” and being afraid of things getting worse because of that#i feel like if im ungrateful things will get worse#but they're pretty fucked up anyways lol#so whats the deal#anyways I'm in a bad mood#my grandma died and i miss her so much and i feel kinda numb like “it was expected” and ???#i want to cry my eyes out because of her but no#i guess my grief for my father's passing made me normalize a bit death idk#but it's not okay that my grandma died no matter her age#and im mad that the world keeps spinning#and im mad that im not better#and im mad because my fucking computer wont turn on when i need it the most#i wanted to writeeeee#to stop thinking#i also wanted to start considering the idea of playing dnd online but i guess i wont be able to for the foreseeable future#ugh im mad#i want to sleep forever bye
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would love to see and/or hear about your howl's moving castle tattoo!
Tbh it's nothing grand, it's super simple 😅 it's the scorch marks from the note that The Witch of the Waste gave to Sophie
It was one of my first tattoos (I got 2 as soon as I turned 18, same time), and the "artist" that did it was an ass, so it doesn't look great. He also had too heavy a hand for the delicate line work, so practically the entire piece is raised and has tiny blowouts and inconsistent lines throughout. It doesn't look too bad from a foot away, tho and hey, ya live and learn and at least it's not as bad as it could've been🤷 it's still cute and I still love it☺️
#by ass i mean he was the owner of the shop and showed me a portfolio of work that 'he did'#and it was good enough for me to trustthat he could do a simple line tatt and it not turn out bad#turns out the portfolio wasnt his and belonged to someone that worked for him :^)#i also sent him a clear picture of what i wanted and when i asked him to fix it bc it was lopsided he said it was bc of the pic i sent#so he basically intimidated me into shutting up bc i was young and i was nervous as i knew nothing about that kind of thing#but hey it could be so much worse#i want to get it touched up but the only shop in town i trust is a stick'n'poke place#more time will have to pass before im okay with tattoo guns again#i talk and ramble a lot my bad lol
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Blood-work came back fine which either means I really do have a mysterious deadly illness OR its my mental health that's fucking up my physical health. Now my dilemma for my upcoming appointment .. do I mention how neurotically devastated I've been feeling these last months, knowing the doctor might be relieved to blame it all on hysteria instead of doing more testing ? Or do I just... not say anything about that.. lol
#i feel very very uncomfortable referring to diagnoses or specific mental health conditions that i cannot confirm i have (!)#but if this is indeed all linked to that stuff that happened 4months ago#which hypothetically would be linked to some unpleasantness that idk about from the past#then yes. my physical symptoms could technically be explained by a triggered trauma response#made worse by anxiety stress hightened cortisol levels etc etc#HOWEVER lots of doctors tend to dismiss women abt physical symptoms in favour of blaming mental health issues#and i dont want to give them any reason to do that in case i really am sick fr (as in dying lol)#bit then again i kinda am hysterical 👍#im relieved my friends have been so gentle with me abt this but it kinda makes it harder to have a reference point for how insane/normal#my thoughts and reflections are. bc they're just doing that empathetic listening thing. not rly saying what THEY think u know#and dont get me wrong! thats prob the right call! but for once id just like for someone to be like#'obviously u were xx' ??? bc they just keep saying they dont wanna speculate. and i dont either! but im going mad trying to find anwsers#and ig i just want someone to tell me what i should think and do and whats normal and whats not#like??? is it rational for me to think something bad happened or am i being delusional. evil and paranoid ???#am i in denial for believing that nothing might have happened at all and that there might be other things to explain whats going on ??#i just want to know what the normal ppl think bc i feel very far from normal rn#and i can tell my friends are having so many opinions that they are leaving unsaid#which low key is not helping the paranoia BUT once again i know that they are doing it out of kindness and sensitivity 🙏💓#i love my friends and this is not a diss to them !!! i just have a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings abt it looool#sorry these tags always turn into a rant#diary entries
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