#it could have turned out worse lol
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happy 9 years
here's to 990 more
#my art#undertale#chara dreemurr#asriel dreemurr#i would say ' would you believe me if i told you i started drawing this before the newsletter' but if you know me at all you would LOL#i don't have much to say this year. this is a continuation / answer to the one from last year#i don't tend to do 'finished pieces' like this these days but i can't eschew my tradition even if it was a bit like pulling teeth#it could have turned out worse lol#thanks undertale for keeping me alive and giving me most of the good things i still have
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illario + lucanis growing up together means a lot for obvious reasons ofc like the fact they did not have to go through the dellamorte villa torment nexus alone really helps. immediately from the moment they are taken to that house, lucanis has had something to protect and love. the snark and jokes that they share in wigmaker job finally having a chance to shine outside of the only person lucanis is socialised with and he learns that wow, he's actually likable. because up until this point everyone around him calls him a demon and is freaked out by him but ofc the veilguard only know him as lucanis "he banished harding from the kitchen" dellamorte. sure he's a big bad crow assassin but his reputation simply does not carry that much weight with people who are just equally deranged (maybe a de riva rook but that's also a little different) . and then he's able to share and extend that love with his new friends, and able to try being something that he's not had the chance to before, and his goodness is actively encouraged rather than being an unfortunate sidequest that is tolerated. and i fondly think also of how much of that humor is copied and mirrored off illario ("shoulders....... feeling tight...... need a ..... MASSAGE!") and it's his best experiences with illario that turned him into the man he is. wish the game explored this just a little more because the betrayal would have been made a lot more intense if they had just bothered to show any of illario's redeeming qualities. he has them!!!!! nobody is just born a traitor. you have to love someone before they can become that.
#not sure where i was going with this one#just thinking of the differences in the way lucanis is in wigmaker and in veilguard#particularly with how.. jokey he is i guess. that was much more illario#anyways sorry i need to keep posting about him but i also dont want to start cornplating#'you're the vengeancey one!' 'a funny little dog' 'usually its just death' etc. that was all illario#not that lucanis is not funny in wigmaker just.... i dont know. it manifests differently. he's taunting and sarcastic#anyways. sorry. i have to lie down#its a point ive made before and the point was supposed to be illario's obvious influence on lucanis#but . idk. i dont know if thats clear. anyways#illario dellamorte#lucanis dellamorte#txt#and then ofc how lucky lucanis was to have the veilguard while illario's self inflicted fucking torment nexus made his life worse#thinking of that one post. one of my mutuals made and ive lost to my likes. where it was like#if illario just had one positive relationship outside of this shit where he felt valued and loved and received this attention#then he would not have turned out the way he did. which i honestly believe is true lol#lucanis is 'obligated' to love him. the same way they're both raised to believe family is everything and the way they're obligated to-#-love caterina. having an outsider actually care for him for no reason other than being illario could have actually fucking like#fixed this. and i hesitate to say 'power of friendship' 'dick so good it saved him' 'post nut clarity' etc etc but ITS JUST.#MAYBE HE DESERVES SOME COMPANIONSHIP THATS NOT THE CROWS. THE SAME THING THAT LUCANIS GOT. THATS ALL
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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mashing together my two teenage years interests for dopamine
#johndirk#dirkjohn#homestuck#john egbert#dirk strider#my art#touhoustuck#just a funny little au because some of the parallels and ways character powers reflect eachother is fun#john is in no way as manipulative or a mastermind as yukari but his retcon powers are a very interesting vessel for yukaris gap powers#especially when his hand stuck out in a bunch of pages lol i like to imagine if he could master the powers it would let him do her teleport#around and spy nonsense but he'd just use it to be a class a prankster and for magic tricks#on the other hand yuyuko and dirk have an interesting parallel but one that is more like...the entire point is the culmination of#their characters despite the way they have these splinters. like yuyuko isnt nearly as fragmented as dirk but#theres a distinction between the yuyuko who was alive and the yuyuko whos dead and what she becomes after#its unclear if post PCB shes aware shes the one who sealed the saigyouji ayakashi away but she also just thinks its better for her#not to go down that rabbithole. she'd probably become worse if she did and with dirk he has that clarity with dave when they talk that like#even if there are worse versions of him out there. the fact he thinks and stops before proceeding separates him and i like to think that#is something he takes to heart with him post canon to stop beating himself up so much. umh also soul powers = ghost powers lalala#just silly and self indulgent tbh like im not extrapolating or translating backstories but in this au its fun to think o#humans turning into youkai like yukari used to be human and so did yuyuko. john and dirk used to be human and went godtier...anyways
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I really want Adam to have a crush on Lucifer back from the Eden days and despite trying, it never really goes away so the heartbreak of it all just makes him extra cranky and antagonising and he tries really hard to hate Lucifer, and he does, a little bit, but it's more that he's hurt and angry. So when they meet again after so long and the way it goes... oof
#adam was so jealous and hurt when lucifer fell in love with lilith instead of him#it was even worse because he suddenly felt exluded#and he thought “okay i can get their attention back” and turned into an asshole lol#and i want him to angrily vent at lucifer#who absolutely had no idea about adam's feelings#he knew adam was nicer in the beginning and it changed but didn’t know the cause#now he does#and its not really his fault but also he's guilty and could have handled it better and just#dudes need to talk#maybe beat each other up a bit#then make out#hazbin hotel#adamsapple#guitarduck#hazbin lucifer#hazbin adam#also just adam knowing it wasn't exactly intentional#but still feeling like lucifer left him all alone when he fell with lilith
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#Fifteen episode 2. Mmmmmmhhhhhh#The animation quality DOES get worse. This episode shows it lol#So many static frames stretching for so long... I feel so sorry for the animators.#I still stand by the fact that if studios can't provide enough budget or time to their animators seasons simply shouldn't be released.#But after all who am I to talk...#The scene of Dazai shooting at the soldier makes my blood freeze. Rimbaud throwing books in the fire is equally upsetting#Like I /know/ it's an anime about literature with constant metafiction references–#and that this too has a symbolic meaning and is *supposed* to be upsetting but that said.#Seeing whole books being thrown in the fire is such a disturbing sight that calls for such a visceral response in me 😭😭😭#The amv opening is nice! Makes me even more bitter about season 5 one lmao. Of the kind#“not only we had to get a amv opening (((while we deserved a wholly ss/kk focused opening)))‚ we even got a bad amv ending at that”#Mmmmhhhh I hateeeeeee how they handled the Sheep 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Seriously this is just another bug instance of#“me and the author have WHOLLY different views of what human nature is like”#I just... Don't think... Children joining together in an hostile environment would act like that. I'm so much more of a t/pn kind of guy.#Children who come together to survive would protect each other and especially would trust each other. Why is there such a big lack of trust#Why doesn't Shirase trust Chuuya? Why doesn't Chuuya trust Shirase (with handling more information)? It's just dumb#It's dumb. It sounds stupid from the very plot aspect that Chuuya would act so shady and suspicious with the Sheep instead of being open–#about what his course of action is. It's like he was trying to have them turn on him. It's stupid of Shirase to mistrust Chuuya–#when in eight years he never gave them any reason to doubt of him.#And I know right as I'm writing this that someone is going to read it and think “you're completely missing on the unbalance of power that–#creates these dynamics of lack of trust” but the thing is exactly that I don't see why that unbalance of power would ever come to be!#They're all just kids. They're aware of that. If Chuuya never had malicious intentions towards Shirase‚ I don't see why he would ever fear–#his betrayal. Likewise‚ I don't see why Shirase and the other Sheep members would ever be so manipulative and disrespectful towards–#Chuuya if he's been nothing but kind to them (and we have no reason to think otherwise)?#It all comes down to: I think people are inherently good and willing to help each other. The author thinks not lmao. It is what it is#But I wish you could see t/pn. Where kids are constantly trying to outwit each other in order to OUT-SACRIFICE THEMSELVES for the others lo#I love t/pn it's my life... I miss it#random rambles#And if anyone would like to argue that Dazai specifically set them off to betray each other... Yes I DO understand that's what the story–#is suggesting. I just don't think Dazai - for how good. and infallible he is - is enough to scrape long-term relationships of trust.
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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It's 2024 can we please stop saying it's normal to trace or copying an entire drawing and pretending it's 100% your work? Just bc you changed the character or added clothes on a base you found on pinterest it doesn't mean you created original art
#wren text tag#tw: vent#like tracing and copying are morally grey. If you want to trace to learn stuff or practice or study it's ok ig#maybe don't post it online or if you have to... don't trace from picture/other people artworks/bases you found online w/o giving credits#unless it's a base an artist made specifically for tracing purposes#I think this depends on where you draw the line bc I'm much more strict abt copying/tracing from art rather than photographs 🤔#at least with photos you have to do some mental exercise for your mucle memory + simplification studies#personally I don't like tracing bc it feels lazy like are you a copyprinter 😐🤨#this vent needs some lore otherwise this looks so fucking umpromted it's almost confusing 🙄🙄🙄#kinda found out sb who was copying or tracing both from fucking pose references from Pinterest and other people artworks 😅#like poses ref ig they are ok but you should check the Terms of Condition of the original artist first. For the artworks plagiarized. DUDE#surprised no one has found out yet but if I see another copied drawing my netiquette is leaving my body and I'm turning into a HATER#or another comment like “omg your poses looks so dynamic”. I'm flying#btw I blocked them so my dash is free. Sadly we are also in the same disc server so I'm kinda cooked#thinking of leaving it so I don't have to start drama and discussions. I'm not a fan of call-out and stuff and if I can avoid it I will#btw I say copied/traced bc some are traced over while others are hopefully just eyeballed. What bothers me is the amount of plagiarized art#like almost half of those fanarts are copied poses. The other half are character standing on a white bg. I hope those aren't copied as well#it's already bad... but if only was just for the bases. That one traced artwork can almost be damaging to the fanbase reputation 🤦♀️ smh#there are only a few artist in that part of the fandom I don't need an art thief drama. I guess I will shut up and look away 😑#anyway that's the lore which didn't help with my Art Block. Actually it made worse. That's why it took me so long to be back lol 🤣😂😭#pov: you log on tumblr 🥰 and you have an art crisis 😍#Are u telling me I could have done that? Copying and tracing and taking all the credits instead of wasting time learning anatomy?! 🤯#Ok the last tag was sarcastic but wouldn't be funny. Loved vagueposting tho 💖🥰#And now that this post is published I can finally rest. I had this thing in drafts since September#To whom is asking about who this person is. I won't tell. I just want to forget what I saw. Ty and bye 💖✨️
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me 🤝 eden not wanting a relationship but wanting someone who's obsessed with us but on our own terms. like a cat.
#sorry it's the bighead bpd talking#we're just trying to be the center of ur whole universe with zero payoff except emotional affection#eden is astronomically worse than i am by virtue of being a vampire though#i'm pretty tame all things considered#especially now that my frontal lobe is formed#oh my god i could do the funniest thing ever#i don't actually remember what age eden was turned#if it's pre-frontal lobe that would explain everything about her#canon stamp#KJBSDKJCBJKSDBKJSDB#i'm fucking crying#ooc.#tbd.#also my very real tweet like#i think eden is very aro now that i think about it like#not me always accidentally creating arocoded ocs lol#like i think she'd be capable of having feelings but it's a very slippery slope bc like#for eden it's hard to distinguish between like genuine emotional connection vs like the obsession#be it the obsession with needing to be the star of someone's world + dying for their attention and flourishing like a watered plant#and then withering without it and crashing out when you feel that rejection like#eden takes rejection to a very vampiric level LOL
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Ok so apparently it's not normal that whenever someone goes to a restaurant and I'm with them, I expect them to get just themselves food and then we leave. Like if you get me food or ask if I want anything I will in fact look at you like you're a stranger who just walked up and offered me a 100 dollar bill
#what can i say im just used to getting nothing#both my parents and my older sisters would go to get food and basically never get me anything#if i did get anything it also wasnt 'what do you want' it was 'heres what im getting you youre welcome'#lol and i was okay with that? guys. guys am i supposed to raise my standards#is this like. am i not respecting myself enough#like this is me having gottwn much better too. i used to be even worse#if i went to your house and you let me sleep on something that wasnt the floor i would stare at yoy in shock#i was mentally incapable of comprehending that i could get whatever i wanted off of a menu#one time my friends mom actually yelled at me because she took me to dunk8n donuts and asked what i wanted#and i froze up so bad that i just couldnt say anything because i didnt know what she meant#i was like 'oh you dont need to get me anything' 😭😭 and she INSISTED she had to get me something#for context i mustve been like 9 and i had NEVER had anyone ask my what i wanted before#i also was so prepared to just skip breakfast due to the anxiety of this situation#turns out having kids skip breakfast is also not super normal? me and my sisters usually wouldnt eat breakfast#especially on sunday mornings before church because there was snacks there
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I WOULD get the most awful itch to write after months of not rly writing (tm2 scripting doesn’t count) during artfight huh 😔
#AUGHHH!! I want toWRITE#(sitting down to draw rn bc I have a huge list of charas I WANT RO DRAW BUT I WANT TO WRITE AT THE SAME TIME#WHY WAS I NOT BORN AN OCTOPUS SO I COULD MULTITASK WITH MANT ARMS)#I got back from the psych appointment a while ago and I’m kinda exhausted mentally from that so I’m not sure I could rly write even if I#want to lol#it went well it’s just that talking abt that kind of thing is exhausting and kind of embarrassing when it’s professionals like lol sorry my#brain sucks and then they ask well how does it suck. and that’s embarrassing somehow#guy made me do math too and that was actually so painfully embarrassing I ended up just kind of asking if we could skip that bc after like#several guesses I could NOT do basic math at the top of my head 😭#like sir we both see I’m struggling PLSS just mark this as a bad area and GO ON#he was so nice and that made it worse 🥲 djdkfkrjfk#anyway when art fight is done I will write something….#maybe finish that loz fic I still have as a wip ?? I was deeply mad at it and also totk pissed me off so bad I didn’t want to touch a loz#fic for a while for fear of taking my frustration out on it and turning a fic into a fixit rant fic 😭 it isn’t even a botw fic lmaoo theres#no need for that. but also I could fix her (bad video game) (totk not botw I love botw)#here’s 2 hoping echos of wisdom is good (PLEASE PLEASW BE GOOD RARE PLAYABLE ZELDA GAME)#(SO FEW LOZ GAMES LET U BE ZELDA I NEED U TO BE GOOD MY MENTAL HEALTH HIMGES ON U)#sanchoyorambles
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I didn’t think I’d ever find a more maladjusted, socially inept and downright unhinged autistic woman fave than Tannis. but Reagan from Inside Job is GUNNING for that title
#im not even halfway through IJ and im like good LORD lmao#my blorbo Reagan who has every trauma-related mental illness#i genuinely can't decide which of the two of them is worse off#I'm considering Reagan canonically autistic btw bc of 2 different characters saying she has 'Asperger's'#and also like. it's incredibly fucking obvious. lol#i clicked the show on a whim on Netflix bc I saw a lady in a lab coat and went Neat#and she turned out to be everything I could have wanted and more#she makes me go YIPPEE!! and also Holy Shit Please Get Therapy#the show itself is just 'ok' but Reagan is like. i am cupping her gently in my hands.
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i think what's even more fucked about Jim's dad leaving is the fact that it's implied he was so emotionally neglectful that Jim has a clear memory of him completely ignoring him and his hobbies.... like wtf no wonder he has trust issues
#thank god his mom raised him as good as she did lol he really could have turned out much worse#i think that added w/ him just.... NOT telling his kid he was leaving or even hinting he'd visit#that's so realistically awful it makes him one of the worst disney#villains in my eyes
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My fingers are crossed that now I’ve applied for a local GP I can FINALLY a) sort out my hip and b) finish the referral for a social worker. It would make such a huge difference.
#bad pain day so I’m trying to be Positive lol#pain turns me into a depressed bastard and a little bit mean so I’m very much not liking it#especially since my biggest fear is that I’m WELL past the point where physio could do anything besides make it worse#and the only other options are steroid injections or surgery#I don’t wanna do injections because of a lot of reasons but mainly because they don’t always work#but I REALLY don’t want surgery. not on my hip#fingers crossed it just feels worse than it is.#but even just having a support worker!!#someone who could help me with little tasks#remembering to pay bills to buy groceries and just give well. some support lol#on the gp application I said I didn’t have any mental health problems lol#they’ll turn you out and any complaint you make is just Depression or Anxiety#I may later down the road but nah.. it’s precarious#with my medical background I gotta be so careful about what I say#when there’s less than 70ppl globally with your condition it’s easy to get called a faker lol#bad pain day has made me freaked. plus I just CANNOT lose my job. I think that’s what tomorrow is gonna be about tbh#I’m already looking at other work just in case#god I CANNOT lose my job
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#im so so so so tired#i want good things happening to me#im tired of saying “well at least ---” or “it could be worse” bc i want it to be better#we all deserve that#it shouldn't be always this difficult or fucking unbearable#i know there are people who have it worse#but see???#i dont want to feel ungrateful for thinking “my life sucks in several ways” and being afraid of things getting worse because of that#i feel like if im ungrateful things will get worse#but they're pretty fucked up anyways lol#so whats the deal#anyways I'm in a bad mood#my grandma died and i miss her so much and i feel kinda numb like “it was expected” and ???#i want to cry my eyes out because of her but no#i guess my grief for my father's passing made me normalize a bit death idk#but it's not okay that my grandma died no matter her age#and im mad that the world keeps spinning#and im mad that im not better#and im mad because my fucking computer wont turn on when i need it the most#i wanted to writeeeee#to stop thinking#i also wanted to start considering the idea of playing dnd online but i guess i wont be able to for the foreseeable future#ugh im mad#i want to sleep forever bye
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would love to see and/or hear about your howl's moving castle tattoo!
Tbh it's nothing grand, it's super simple 😅 it's the scorch marks from the note that The Witch of the Waste gave to Sophie
It was one of my first tattoos (I got 2 as soon as I turned 18, same time), and the "artist" that did it was an ass, so it doesn't look great. He also had too heavy a hand for the delicate line work, so practically the entire piece is raised and has tiny blowouts and inconsistent lines throughout. It doesn't look too bad from a foot away, tho and hey, ya live and learn and at least it's not as bad as it could've been🤷 it's still cute and I still love it☺️
#by ass i mean he was the owner of the shop and showed me a portfolio of work that 'he did'#and it was good enough for me to trustthat he could do a simple line tatt and it not turn out bad#turns out the portfolio wasnt his and belonged to someone that worked for him :^)#i also sent him a clear picture of what i wanted and when i asked him to fix it bc it was lopsided he said it was bc of the pic i sent#so he basically intimidated me into shutting up bc i was young and i was nervous as i knew nothing about that kind of thing#but hey it could be so much worse#i want to get it touched up but the only shop in town i trust is a stick'n'poke place#more time will have to pass before im okay with tattoo guns again#i talk and ramble a lot my bad lol
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