#is that i dont want to have wasted my time on something that i wont get😭
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it's always super weird when you find out someone you thought you vibed with doesn't actually like you that much and really just tolerated you.
maybe it's just a neurodivergent problem. maybe normal people can always tell.
i can never tell. you talk to me a lot about our many shared interests, we hang out a lot, I thought we had chemistry, I felt comfortable with you and you never seemed uncomfortable with me, and you never told me I upset you...
but I guess I'm the idiot for being an open book and always telling people if they've done something I don't like. and for being willing to have hard conversations about boundaries from time to time.
my bad.
#gonna start lying like the rest of you#ah yes let me pretend i like you#im starting to think these kinds of people are just too insecure to shut down a friendship#like you just need to have friends to the point where you tolerate my existence#even tho i am offensive to your sensibilities#like come on bro#thats sad#just dump me#it wont bother me#not everyone is capable of tolerating me#thats alright#but say something you pussy#stop wasting both our times#pretending to be my friend hurts you more than me#i have real friends#i dont need parasitic pseudo friends who just need to feel wanted#im done with that#i know what a real friend looks like#youre not it and im not it for you either#i couldve been if you were honest#but people are not honest with others or themselves and thats what i hate most about people
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The problem with the acolyte marketing…
so because i’m insane and delusional and i also have severe anxiety disorder and was worried i spent a whole week unhealthily obsessing over something like a lunatic therefore neglecting my real life which tends to happen when a hyperfixation strikes me, i looked a bit into other star wars shows and how they performed on socials, especially in regards to marketing… unfortunately was met with bad news and it concerns me about season 2 of the acolyte but i’m a worrier not a warrior so i tend to dramatise and turn to being cynical about everything 😭
like first of all there was no merch campaign to be found anywhere? if you look it up, other shows have a bunch of merch. didn’t find any for e.g andor either but that brings me to my next point
there are no hashtag emojis on twitter. i know this seems silly but it actually helps a lot! when people use hashtags it creates engagement which increases numbers in general performance and i think sometimes even helps ratings. we got no hashtags for this shows which is ridiculous? i mourn the cute little mae/osha icons…
interviews have been very helpful but compared to other shows, the views on them, as in youtube, have been really low and there’s no way to tell if that actually counts for something. the marketing team on socials has also not really been promoting these interviews and informing people of access
the review bombing has been too extreme. leslye confirmed they know and don’t really care about that stuff but if you go on twitter, you won’t be able to find a single post about the acolyte without “show probable sp*m” under it. the tiktok community has not been much better. i refused to go on reddit but i’m sure the situation there isn’t that hopeful either. the show’s getting so much hate, as do the actors. especially amandla.
it’s sort of hard to find any positivity anywhere. yes, millions are watching but they also did that for other shows. i’m still worried😭
the biggest thing giving me hope is the fact these are brand new characters and brand new era that has never been done before in live action so yes if the numbers are a bit lower, it makes sense as other shows had familiar characters. plus a lot of people started watching after the villain reveal (thanks manny) which increased viewership numbers after episode 5.
but my cynicism is still making me crazy. even if we do get renewal, i want the marketing team to step it up!!!!! it feels unfair this show hasn’t gotten what the other shows did.
#the acolyte#yap yap yap#star wars#osha aniseya#mae aniseya#amandla stenberg#my point dear friends…#is that i dont want to have wasted my time on something that i wont get😭#it will make me sooooo upset#i love this show i got so attached
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#freeze response is all well and effective until youve been sitting in the same position staring at the same spot for a solid ten minutes#goddddd i (nuanced) my parents. god fucking damnit i know they care i know the school cares but this is not a care that can be helpful to m#because i cant take an offered hand and i am too prideful to ask#and i hate to struggle in front of an audience! so i will live with my hate and fear and guilt and shame until enough time has passed#for me to be rid of them. i know i need help for fucks sake i of all people know best that i need help.#but every time i have seen a psychologist i have come out drained and angry and tired#and with everything going on. i dont want to waste myself on something that probably wont even help#if anyone irl finds out that i have npd or bpd i will get dragged through the muck for being Like That. the stigma is high enough.#nobody is going to be nice about it. obviously. every problem i have had is my fault. i self impose my own social isolation. (irl that is)#im not going to tell myself to a stranger who does not understand and will report my every move to people who care about/cause my pain#however the good thing is. they cant make me talk. the power of silence is excellent.#“[second deadname] dont you think you should get some help about that [redacted]? if there's a problem you should deal with it”#you cannot say that when every fight in this fucking family ends with me going to comfort my sister and dad going to comfort you#and then promptly pretending it never happened. you can't tell me not to ignore my problems you fucking taught me to#anyways. i am going to finish my homework and ragework on the mama animatic and probably pass out in class. again.#personal posts
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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😂😂 so like 😂😂😂😂😂 when am i going to get the instructions for making friends and talking to people everyone else got 😂😂 its a little late 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
#Whyd rhey have to make this human connection shit so hard . Why doesnt anyone care abourt what i care about#how come everyone else can hold conversations about nothing without getting bored and i cant .#how come i feel like im receiving automated responses. i feel like my interactions are all surface level#whh doesnt anyone seem as interested in anything as i do . Why do i feel like im being judged for indulging in my interests#how come when i say something it doesnt feel like anyone is sayi g anything back . Why do my friends turn my sentences into filler .#why does it feel like im in the middle of a hivemind and i dont know it . why does it feel like its all computer generated .#why can everyone else talk and laugh and converse withoit trouble but when its my turn everyone treats it like an obligation#nobody wants to watch what i wsnt to. nobody wants to listen to what i want to. nobody wants to talk about what i want to.#And if they just go along with what i wsnt to do im just wasting their time . we wont even talk about it . theres no expression .#i hate enjoying mhself when nobody else is. and i hate when others are enjoying themselves without me#but apparently im not a part of 'together'#how come even in small social circles nobody is treated equally . Whh does preference come into it.#Man. whatever.
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like i think to fish theyre just both people who shouldve died a long time ago and now they arent allowed to. because they need each other. and they both crave that and resent it.
#they WANT to be so important to him that he would fall apart without then AND they resent that they cant fall apart without hurting him#they were having a perfectly decent apathetic slide into eternal misery and then he had to go and ruin it with love. whatever.#like they want to be this essential part of his life because they loooove having that power over him they really really do#and theyre mean about it too. but like. they dont like that it goes both ways#they dont like being looked after or cared about because they get too used to it and they feel themselves falling in love w him again and#they run away. and eventually they come back or he comes back to them. and they tell themselves its just transactional like#they have something he needs and he has something they want#animal sir chloe style#but just like that its like. its NOT that. they need him so fucking bad and they feel better when hes around even when they hate his ass#and espeically after they start 'working' for jr with him its like. they really really love him so bad and they hate it.#these stupid assholes making them feel alive again. making them feel FEEELINGS. liek a PERSON. eugh#and i think they hate how scared they get when something happens to roadhog. theyre supposed to know better than that basically#they feel like needing him is vulnerable because it opens the door for him to hurt them again which is why they so enjoy being the one in#control + being the one who leaves#and the one who lashes out and ect ect. but they cant help themself and they hate hirself for it. so like. well the only solution is that#you shouldve killed yourself two decades ago so i couldve wasted away mad at you like i was supposed to and wed be done with it.#fishs got a case of wanting to die in such a way where they wont take any active steps to get there#but they resent being alive and they resent every minute of pain they endure by being alive. hence the very sex booze violence lifestyle#but the frustrating thing about him is that they. most of the time. like being alive with him. so they have to endure more#more pain and heartache and frustration. and they dont want to but they cant do anything else. they cant even leave again at this point#anyways. my fishy#🐟#they have every disease
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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i need to figure out why i hate playing dnd so i can make myself stop hating it anf fucking enjoy myself for once !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#how do you make something that has both too many and not enough rules#why do i have to roll to look around a room why cant i just. fucking look with my eyes#why can't we roleplay normalstyle or something. idk#oh and every time you get an item or a spell or whatever you have to write all that shit down as fast as you can before u continue#like why cant you put the info on a card. hand me a card and then we dont waste so much time. christ.#literally everyone seems to enjoy and look forward to it except me what is my problem#and everything has DEADLINES which takes away so much of the would-be fun of it.#i think it'd actually be fun to make a character if it was on my terms but maybe thats just me and maybe im being overdramatic#i really do want to enjoy creating a cool story with my friends but instead i am plighted with Hate This So Much#is this a weird thing to vent about. probably !!!!! does it make me sound suuuper self centered ? yes !!!!!!!!!!#BUT im p sure my friends alr think i wont see this through. so i have to see it through. fuck.
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you ever need to talk to one specific person about something but theyre also the last person you should be having that conversation with? cause man. it sucks
#my post#vent#it just gets more and more tempting by the day#part of me hopes theyll be the one to bring it up so i dont have to#cause how do i even bring up something like that.#but i know they wont because. how would *they* bring that up!!!!#i keep trying to be over it all so much. pretend im soo normal#but im not. im not normal and im not over it.#buts easier to pretend i am than to admit it still feels like being cut open every single time.#personal#this new situation is supposed to be helping me feel better but it just. doesnt right now#i know i need to give it time but i also fear that. ill waste time and that it wont solve anything.#i am sooo sick of being traumatized haha. why cant it just leave my body. itd be lovely to not feel like this for the rest of my life.#oh how i just want to talk about it with the one person who would understand#whatever#ignore me
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#i had a really good energy day. i was awake at 8 in the morning and hung out with my mother in law from 10 to 4#we went shopping and got food and it was a really good day#but it wasnt enough. the moment i got home i realized how tired my body was and i took two naps#i woke up from my last nap over an hour ago and i still feel like im in a twilight state of consciousness#im so tired but my dream was ao vivid and real despite being nonsensical that it freaked me out and i dont want to go back to sleep#but im also so emotionally fragile and cant watch videos without something making me want to cry#im supposed to go on my honeymoon in two weeks to disney world. objectively not a good place to go with low energy and weak muscles#but i wanted to go back so bad and didnt want to keep putting it off since i might be like this forever#yet the idea of me getting this exhausted each day is making me wonder if im wasting our money and that we wont have fun bc of me#like this was the best day energy wise ive had in almost a year and i feel this awful now. how am i supposed to last a week at disney?#we've been spending 3 years waiting to have money and time for our honeymoon#ugh. im not ok. i just want a new body so i wont feel like im dying every other day#im just hoping that we chose a good time to go to avoid crowds as much as possible to reduce the chance of getting covid#bc i cant just keep waiting for covid to be gone to do things. i can mask but i cant stay home almost all the time anymore or else i will go#insane#i want to just live life and not constantly worry about getting covid from going to a store but i also dont know whats wrong with me#and wont see my specialist until december so i dont want to get really sick and mess up my health even more#i havent gotten covid yet though so hopefully that will continue. triple vaxed and it seems to be working for me#i'll still be careful though but i hope i have the energy to have fun bc these past 3 years have been trying to kill me with trauma
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:^}
#nothing like talking to my mom to make me completely unravel and reconsider every one of my life choices 🫠#casual cry at work bc i dont know what to do with my life and i have no goals and i will never be well enough off to satisfy my mom looool#like i know shes scared bc we grew up super poor n she struggled to get where we are now massively but like#why do i need to make 200k to make her happy lol#like im making a decent salary at my full time job and i want to pursue more school so i can expand my horizons and look into diff careers#bc i find my job boring ! altho im very thankful for it !#but i dont wanna do this for the rest of my life !!!! id literally rather be dead than sit at a desk writing emails for 40 years !!!!!#i was talking to her about going back to my uni and making my minor into a major so i can get a secdon degree#since i already took the majority of the courses i can finish the second degree in 1 year ! i already planned out all the courses n stuff!#but shes like what do u want to do with that why are u wasting ur time doing things that wont put more money in ur pocket#im gonna be applying for my masters this year anyway so i was like might as well do something entertaining with the next year#get a degree out of it n all and then hopefully attend my masters program the next year ? like isnt that cool and impressive or whatever ?#its for my ego ! it makes me feel like im progressing rather than staying stagnant at my job i dont like !#but she just wants me to make more money lmao like i know moneys tight and its hard n everything#eugh#and shes like increasing the mortgage payments bc she qants to pay the house off asap but making our monthly bills cost more#so it always feels like were one step away from being in a hole we cant get ourselves out of#like why is my entire life focused on making money and supporting a famkly rn lmao im 25 and ive barely been able to live#i judt want to do soem things for myself ! make myself feel good about myself !!!#im sureounded by stem people with nice jobs and good degrees !! all these 22 year olds with masters under their belts and im stuck !!!!#boring and useless and havent lived up to any potential lol im so tired of my stupid inferiority complex i just want to feel like#an interesting and accomplished person like everyone expected me to be !!! especially myself !!!!#this fucking sucks#looking at law school applications again#might try to do an lsat in september or something ig#gommywords
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I love how all of my determination is fuelled in when I have to book trips.
On most things I change my mind repeatedly, like its a really bad habit I developed especially for finding jobs or a partner.
But with travel... like there's no hesitation whatsoever. "I'm going to this country whether I like it or not there is no going back"
And it makes me so happy. There is a certain serenity in knowing you have a booked trip and you can daydream about it until it actually happens.
#justmefeelingtherain#im talking about going home now#new zealand was a shit show to begin with and i have no idea why i thought coming here was something i shoud do in my lifetime#i only spend my hardearned money and wasted my time sitting in a hostel#it was an Experience™#fuck that shit#anyway im going home and thats it folks#i want to say ill be more careful about my future trips but i know that wont be true#ill screw things over again and again#but i honestlx dont give a damn what anyone thinks
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#so just about 50% of my identifiying personally as an activist is mostly a joke.#i am not organized enough to be anything but loud LMAO.#but the other 50% of the time its mostly bc in certain circles&discussions-- mostly the ones where having&claiming any form of labeled id#immediately makes your existence political or divisive-- if you have any fleshed out opinion at all#youre treated like either an activist or an educator just for taking up intellectual space lmao#&i Will Not be mistaken for an educator lmao i am Not here to educate anyone. im like. barely here to debate anyone or even attempt#to change opinions lmao. usually im just being loud bc this is my natural state. &when confronted by anyone who#'just wants to play devils advocate' or whatever i am not unclear in the fact that i not only think a conversation is a waste of my time#i also do not see anything at all they could give me in exchange for my time opinion or experience#&i wont risk overexposure to stupidity so some asshole can do the equivalent of scribble w a crayon on a college level dissertation#as if they exist on the same playing field or deserve serious attention for their puddle-deep insight lmao.#its the kinder way of saying i would rather curbstomp a motherfucker than waste my time discussing something that is#MY reality&THEIR abstract theory lmao like stay fucking stupid i definitely dont give a fuck.#&like i understand (+very much value) the educators in these circles who are willing to do the work&sift thru the nonsense#&take the INFURIATING amount of abuse levied at them. i just. could NEVER be one lmao.
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But that's what I love about you
synopsis - you always get told you're too loud and that your laugh is incredibly annoying but that's what your boyfriend chris loves about you the most
warnings/notes - NONE!! pure fluff, established relationship with chris, some pets names but like get over it ?
a/n - i loveddddd writing this request i had so much funnnn thank you sm @presleyanswrites
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The boys are pacing around the living room getting ready to go out to film a car video and chris notices you sulking on the couch.
"hey babe are you coming with us?" Chris asks from the kitchen looking over at you. Your face buried in your phone reading through comments on the last youtube video you featured in with the triplets.
"omg she's so fucking annoying"
"dont know how chris can put up with her"
"if i had her as a gf i would want to kms"
"her laugh tho? yikes"
"they must be so sick of her fr"
"how to fix my eardrums after hearing her yap the whole video no borax no glue"
chris noticing the sad look on your face, he wonders over to the couch and takes a seat beside you, resting his head in the crook of your neck. You continue to doom scroll through the comments, not being able to take your eyes off of the public hate flooding the internet.
"babyyyyyy" chris says softly against your neck.
"hmm?" you say not taking your eyes off of the screen.
"did ya hear me?" he asks, softly brushing the hair out of your face.
"no sorry, what did you say?"
"are you gonna come film with us? want you there with us tonight." he says sweetly, wrapping his arms around you pulling you against him.
"um... no i think i'll skip this one" you say quietly.
"what? you cant!!" Nick shouts from the kitchen.
you immediatley look up at nick and matt standing in the kitchen looking over at you and chris sitting on the couch.
"no it's okay guys i think i'll just go to bed or something" putting your phone down on your lap, the screen still open.
Matt and nick nod at you and start walking towards the stairs to the garage door.
"meet ya down there chris" Matt shouts as they disappear down the stairs.
"yeah guys i'll be there in a minute" chris says back. He sits up and turns his body towards you on the couch, "what's wrong baby?" chris asks searching your face.
"nothing chris im okay, just tired." you lie, looking down at your lap where your phone sits. Chris follows your gaze and sees your phone open on your lap and he looks back at you.
"whats going on hmm?" chris asks softly, reaching his hand to lift your chin to face him and he sees the emptiness in your puffy eyes. "have you been crying baby what's wrong?" he asks rubbing his hand against your cheek.
"it's nothing dont worry about it, go and film your video chris i'll probably be in bed when you get home" you say looking into his eyes, you can see the concerned look painted across his face and it melts your heart, you feel guilty about him wasting his time here with you instead of having fun with his brothers.
"listen, you can't lie to me like that you know how well i can read you," he starts, cupping your face in his hands bringing your face closely to his and he plants a gentle kiss on your forehead, "now tell me what's going on i wanna help"
you close your eyes enjoying the soft embrace of his warm hands holding your heavy head and you let out a heavy sigh trying to collect your words without breaking out in a sob.
But chris is right in the way he can read you and he instantly pulls you into him and you bury your face against his chest, your tears starting to fall.
"its okay baby im here i've got you" he says rubbing your back in soft circles, "tell me when you're ready okay? i wont force you to talk about it if you dont want to okay?"
you nod into his chest and take a few deep breaths collecting yourself before you back up to look into his eyes, "i just feel like people don't want to see me with you guys. like in your videos... I don't think they like me that much..."
Chris nods and looks towards your phone sitting in your lap, "whats going on hm? you wanna show me?"
you hesitate fumbling your phone in your hands before you sigh and hand it over to him. He takes the time to read the disgusting comments glaring from your phone screen, the same that are still swimming in your mind.
he shakes his head and closes the app, putting your phone down behind him.
"you know none of that is true, right?" he says, reaching out to wipe the silent tears now strolling down your cheeks.
"but its not just a couple comments here and there, so many people are saying the same shit. That I'm too loud, that my laugh is annoying, that i talk too much, that you guys must be fed up with me i just feel so disgusting and embarrassed."
chris's eyes sadden at your words and he sighs looking down shaking his head, "i know dating a content creator must be difficult for you baby, there's always going to be people who have nothing but negative and hurtful shit to say but they don't matter."
"but they're right chris, your fans aren't the only people who've said im too much for them, i've been told that im too much my whole life.." you say hiding your face in your hands.
Chris gently holds your hands and pulls them away from your face holding them in his as he looks into your eyes.
"yet you're here with me right now. and you know what? you're not too much, not for nick, not for matt, and especially not for me. I love you and i love how outgoing and loud you are." he says smiling sweetly at you.
"but-" you start but chris interrupts you.
"but that's what i love the most about you. I love your contagious laugh, i love the way you can freely share your thoughts and opinions without hesitation. You're perfect for me and my heart would break if you ever tried to dim your light because of jealous assholes hiding behind their screens on the internet." he says smiling at you.
you sigh, knowing your boyfriend is right. he chose you. and he's choosing to give his undivided attention to you right now to make sure you feel better and to show you how much you mean to him.
"i love you...." he says looking at you waiting for a response.
"i love you too chris. i appreciate you so much you know that." you say meeting his eyes. he presses his forehead against yours and the two of you stay like that for a moment.
he pulls away and looks at you a stupid grin on his face, "of course you love me i'm the best" and you giggle at him shaking your head.
"i wouldn't go that far..." you say teasingly and he gasps pretending to act offended making you laugh. man he always knows how to make you feel better.
Chris's phone suddenly vibrates, an incoming call from nick coming up on his screen and he looks at it and answers it quickly, "yeah nick im coming okay be down in a minute" and he hangs up pocketing his phone.
"its okay if you still want to stay home baby it's up to you but just so you know, the three of us want you there yeah?"
"i know... I think i'm still going to stay home, probably watch a movie."
"sounds good baby, i'll text you okay?" chris says pulling you into a big hug and he sprinkles a bunch of kisses all over your face.
"see you soon" you say as you watch your boyfriend get up and walk towards the stairs to the garage.
____________________________________
a/n - first fluffffffff let me know what y'all think!! sorry if you hate the pet names "baby" and "babe" i literally cannot stand y/n so i try really hard not to use it okok thank you for reading mwah!! xx
dts - @jnkvivi @bigbeefybitch @loud-sturniolos @d44rla @stuniolvs @stasiesturn @moeberry @sturniolocamper @thatssocancelled @bitchydragonparadise @crazy-people-are-here
#sturniolo#sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#chris x reader#chris fluff
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