#i know i need to give it time but i also fear that. ill waste time and that it wont solve anything.

[mbat]

you ever need to talk to one specific person about something but theyre also the last person you should be having that conversation with? cause man. it sucks

[intoxicated-chan]

ROUGH MIGUEL PHARA PLEASEEEEEEE ILL DO ANYTHING I’LL GIVE YOU MY KIDNEYS

I Want You to Destroy Me so I’ll Feel Better

✿ฺ Paring ➳❥ Miguel O’Hara x GN!Reader

✿ฺ Summary ➳❥ Miguel doesn’t get carried away, but he does like to let loose from time-to-time, leaving you limping and bruised… Not like you’re complaining.

✿ฺ (A/n) ➳❥ Inspired by “In My Mouth” by Black Dresses. You can keep your kidneys! Thank you for the request, Anon!

✿ฺ Word Count ➳❥ 575

✿ฺ Content Warnings ➳❥ Gender neutral reader, established relationship, reader and Miguel are married, dub-con? bruises, hickies, biting, office sex, fangs, blood, penetration…

Want more Miguel content? Check out my MASTERLIST!

Miguel wasn’t a big fan letting loose. His biggest fear was doing something that he’d regret, and leave a permanent scar on your body.

But he wasn’t going to lie and say that his employees did frustrate him. There were many times where they were lazy and decided to leave the important numbers or graphs to the unpaid interns, knowing the consequences of leaving an intern to do the work.

Which was the cause of his endless nights in his office, and many meetings of him explaining why leaving interns to do most of the work would land his company in hot water. Luckily, it hasn’t happened but there was always that ONE employee who doesn’t listen.

He was angry, frustrated, hungry, and tired. That’s when his lovely spouse comes in, with a hot meal and dressed in something provocative. He has the perfect stress relief right in front of him.

Miguel had you turned over on his desk, you felt his chest press against your stomach, and his hands kept a firm grip on your wrists, keeping them pinned to the desk. With each thrust, you’re pushed into the desk.

Your eyes are rolled back and you let out airy moans, you don’t know how long Miguel has had you kept in this position. Your body was sweaty, covered in hand marks or hickies, maybe a bite or two.

Miguel pulls out and thrusts back in, he hits all the right spots. You feel ecstasy run throughout your body, setting all kinds of jolts. As he goes harder, if that’s possible, he releases one of your wrists and he grabs your hips, feeling his claws dig into your skin.

The pleasure is making you drool all over his desk, “Miguel!” You gasp and moan his name, you feel him go even deeper, making you moan even louder. Now, you are certain his employees can hear you.

You weren’t even sure if Miguel had locked his door, which means any one of them could walk in.

Miguel spits out many curses in his language, his grip on your hip gets tighter which means he’s also getting close. He leans down and bites your shoulder, you could feel his fangs penetrate. You could feel him drool, his breathing gets heavy.

He pushes you over the edge as you feel yourself cum, the jolt of pleasure flows throughout your body as you let out a final moan. Miguel doesn’t pull out, he slams inside one last time, releasing his cum inside your hole.

You hear him growl and pull from your shoulder, he pants heavily as he doesn’t move. He doesn’t pull out.

You try to lift yourself up but Miguel slams you back down at the desk, “And where do you think you’re going?” He smirks, you could see your blood from the corners of his mouth, his tongue comes out and swipes at the blood, going back into his mouth.

“M-Miguel… You have that meeting-”

“Those idiots can wait, I need you right now. I need you to make me feel better.” Miguel leans down to your ear, “Can you do that for me?” He whispers in your ear.

You nod your head.

“Say it.”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Miguel doesn’t waste time and continues his hard and fast past.

You know when you leave his office, you’re going to be stared at. You know you’re going to be limping out of his office… Not like you’re complaining.

© 2023 Intoxicated-Chan, I do not allow my work to be copied, translated, modified, adapted, or put on any other platform without permission.

[myfictionaldreams]

Winter Soup // Mafia!Stucky x F!Reader

Summary: There was no better feeling than a bowl of hot soup when you're feeling unwell and, what's even better is when it's delivered to your door every day by your new guard. It tasted amazing and you could always trust everyone in the Mafia... right?

Requested by: @senjoritanana​​ thank you so much, I hope you enjoy all the angst!

A/N: PSA I don't know the specifics of how poisons work and didn't want to risk it on my google history lmao so please ignore any inaccuracies. Please read the tags if you're affected by near death experiences, please proceed with caution and if I've missed any tags/warnings, please let me know!

Warnings/Tags: 18+ readers only, hints of smut, angst (LOTS BUCKLE UP), fluff, polyamory relationship, poisoning, blood and injury, anxiety, crying, begging, near death expierences, reader is injured, pain, emotional hurt/comfort, hospitalization, protective Steve Bucky and Sam, everyone needs a hug tbh

Words: 7.7k

my masterlist 📚 AO3 Link

The warmer months were slowly starting to shift into winter and for some reason this year, the weather change was beginning to affect your health. You’d heard of the phrase ‘seasonal depression’ but you were convinced that it was due to the cooler weather that was making you feel this rubbish.

It had been happening for a week now, and some days you’d feel fine, normal in fact but then others your chest felt so tight as if an elephant was sitting on top of you, nausea, vertigo and heart palpations that would have you clutching your chest with fear you might explode. With each passing day, you would be praying for the summer months to return, especially as the snow and ice increased with intensity outside of your home.

You were fine for the most part, good days and bad; yes you might be getting worse with each passing day but you were adamant that the seasonal illness would pass. However, the frosty weather was also a minor blessing because it was your excuse to stay home and be a pretty housewife for Steve and Bucky. Being able to stay home made it easier to keep the illness to yourself as well, it was a busy time within the Rogers mafia and you didn’t need them wasting their time fretting over your wellness when they had a lot of other things to do. They had many international deals that were so close to being signed for and contracted that every waking hour was spent at the office, on phone calls, and emails, trying to talk to locals across the world to attend meetings on their behalf so the boys were thoroughly busy.

There were a few occasions you’d attended with them to the office if you were feeling particularly needy or lonely but it unnerved you to drive on the snow and ice so when you suggested that you might stay at home, Steve and Bucky offered no complaints.

At home at least you were able to mop about, trying to perk yourself up with movies, pyjamas and your favourite bowl of warm soup. Over the last few months, you’d been trying to improve your cooking skills, especially to impress Steve who usually cooked for three of you. This became more interesting as the colder months drew in over Brooklyn as this meant you could cook more homely, hearty foods such as soups and stews, especially as you had recipe suggestions from the newly hired grounds guard Rafael.

He’d been recommended by a friend of a friend for Steve to hire which was perfect timing because the last grounds guard had retired. There were a few occasions when he was the guard to bring the post to the front door from the front gate and you soon found he was enthusiastic and easy to talk to, even though he was a little bit older, which was how you found out he had previously been a chef and offered to give you recipe ideas. As winter drew in, Rafael began turning up when he knew you were by yourself to deliver some of his momma’s family recipe soups, hoping that the meal would perk you up which it did, they tasted so delicious that you were secretly hoping he would keep bringing them to you, especially as you continued to feel unwell.

“What is it today?”, you asked voice full of hope and trying to sound as upbeat as possible. Even though you were desperately holding onto the door handle as your head was spinning and scared you’d fall over.

“Potato and leek soup and they’re all grown in my back yard so hopefully you’ll love it even more than usual”, Rafael smiled as he handed over the container, his smile broad and causing the aged creases at the corner of his eyes to deepen.

Gleefully you accepted the soup, opening the lid slightly to smell the delicious meal, your stomach grumbling with hunger. Your appetite had reduced significantly over the last few days due to always feeling nauseous however it seemed the only thing that you could stomach was his delicious meals and therefore his arrival was always welcomed.

“Thank you so much! Please will you let me pay you this time? You’re being way too kind to me, always giving me free meals, you’re going above and beyond a usual guard”, you pleaded whilst also having to return holding onto the door handle as it felt like the ground was moving with your dizziness.

Rafael held up his hands and shook his head, taking a step back, “Absolutely not! Just wanted to give you something to make you feel better and make the fairies go away”.

The guard halted, a look of embarrassment passing out his features as he realised what he just said, especially as you asked, “Fairies?”

He awkwardly looked down at his shoes, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to explain, “Yeah it’s just something my momma use to say. If we were feeling unwell, it’s because the fairies had crept into our stomachs and were being naughty and making us ill and now I’ve said it out loud to another person I’ve realised how insane that sounds so I’m going to stop talking”.

You squeezed your lips together to try and contain your laughter but that lasted a moment before you were both laughing which only turned into you losing your balance against the door and swaying to keep yourself upright. The laughter died in Rafael’s eyes as he reached out to you, “Woah, you ok, Ma’am?”

Quickly brushing him off, you took a step back into your home, trying to ask nonchalantly about the situation, “Yeah sorry, probably just the fairies pushing me over”. Your joke didn’t seem to comfort him in any way as he continued to look uneased by your appearance.

Thankfully Rafael didn’t push the situation any further, seeing that you wanted to escape back into the comfort of your home, he took his step back with a simple smile. “Get back inside before you catch another cold from this snow. Eat the soup whilst it’s still warm and I’ll be back tomorrow to hear the verdict on the taste.”

“Thank you Rafael! Enjoy the rest of your day!”. You waved him off and rushed to slam the door, sliding down to the floor against the wood, losing all energy that you’d built that morning just for that one conversation. Ok yes, you were feeling sorry for yourself as you tried to catch your breath, heart pounding violently in your chest that it also echoed in your ears and your vision was still seeing double of everything.

However your stomach continued to gurgle with hunger so without wasting any more energy, you opened the lid and ate the entire contents then and there. Releasing a satisfied sigh at the delicious meal, you took another couple of minutes to gather your senses before dragging yourself over to the living room, collapsing onto your back on the couch and letting sleep take you into a dreamless realm.

A violent shake of your shoulders by a hard grip on your shoulder was what startled you awake as Sam’s voice then surrounded you as he shouted, “Hey! Wake up!”.

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever been close to hating you Sam Wilson”, you croaked before coughs shattered your chest, rocking your body as you tried to sit up and suck in any air between the painful coughs. Finally, you calmed down enough to collapse back against the decorative cushions of the couch and open your eyes to look at the three Sam’s that hovered over you. After a couple more blinks, they merged into one, very distressed-looking bodyguard, eyebrows knitted together and jaw muscle clenched harshly.

Sam reached towards your face, pressing against your cheek in concern, “Why didn’t you tell me you were ill?”

“What? I’m not ill, I’m just tired, can’t a girl nap around here?” you questioned with a raised eyebrow, trying to look as relaxed as possible. 

The man didn’t look convinced as he sat on the edge of the couch next to you. Releasing a heavy sigh which only twinged something in your chest that made you want to cough but you refrained from doing so as you emphasised, “Sam seriously, I’m fine”.

Sam gave you another serious glance, eyes hardening as he explained, “You didn’t sound fine, you were wheezing so hard in your sleep I thought you were going to stop breathing”.

There was no denying the panic that filled your heart and would explain the tightened feeling in your chest but you tried to not let the fear show on your face as you rolled your eyes, reaching for his hand and squeezing it.

“I appreciate your concern Sam, but I feel ok, I’m just tired, I was probably just sleeping in a weird position and look, no wheeze now!” Taking a deep breath to show there was no more noise coming from your chest, however, it didn’t seem to comfort him in any way.

“Yeah well you’re still looking peaky and why are you so tired all the time recently, you’re never usually like this”.

“It’s probably just the cold weather or something. If I start to feel unwell, you know I’d tell you. I’m a big baby when I’m ill, you’ll be the first to know”. Sam looked to be contemplating believing you and all you were silently begging for was that he didn’t call Steve and Bucky, they just didn’t need this stress right now. Even though it was in his contract to call them at any sign of injury or illness but as Sam looked at you, other than looking tired, you seemed to be fine and still joking with him. Finally, he gave you a simple nod and you couldn't hold back the thankful sigh. “Do you mind if I go back to sleep for a little while longer or do you need me for anything?”

“You’ve been sleeping a lot recently”, he stated his earlier point again.

“What, so I’m not allowed to nap now?” you teased him with a subtle smile, hoping to crack his worried exterior. It only half worked as he shook his head to himself, standing up and pulling the fluffy blanket that had been left behind you on the couch and throwing it over your body. Before you could even thank him though, sleep had stolen you back into its resting state. 

Sleeping for a few more hours, Sam was nowhere to be seen but he usually liked to check the perimeter ever so often and speak to the other guards so you weren’t worried about his whereabouts. As you shuffled to the kitchen, you couldn’t tell if you felt any worse or better after all the sleeping, haven’t wasted another day feeling sorry for yourself, you tried to snap out of it by glancing through the refrigerator and cupboards and deciding to ssurpriseSteve and Bucky with a romantic meal.

The house was soon filled with delicious scents of sweet and savoury as you’d baked and were in the process of cooking their dinner. You were in your own little world and had only stumbled a handful of times with dizziness and the headache that was building was currently mild in comparison to others you had, it was fine you determined to yourself

Still lost in your own thoughts, you hadn’t even heard the front door open as you were suddenly enveloped by a muscular chest and arms, a smile aching your cheeks as you nuzzled back into Steve’s body. His lips danced over your cheek and down your neck as he held you close, the roughness of his beard comforting. “I didn’t hear you come in”, you commented, turning your head slightly to chase after his lips, sighing deeply in your chest as he held you tighter for a second, hands dipping beneath your shirt at your waist so that he could feel the warmth of your skin.

“I did shout”, he revealed whilst moving back to neck, not to kiss but just to smell you in, his body almost melting into the floor as he felt at home with the familiar scents. “I’ve missed you”, he whispered against your skin.

Goosebumps instantly flooded over your body as you shivered, turning in his arms to hug him properly, your fingers scratching through his hair that was beginning to curl at the ends where he’d allowed it to grow out over the winter months. “I’ve missed you too”, you whispered against his lips, lazily kissing and breathing each other in.

“Come with us tomorrow, I want you to be near me”, he admits with words that were making you cling to him harder.

You wanted to say yes and the word was on the tip of your tongue but then your thoughts drifted to the soup coming. “I’ve got a delivery coming that I can’t miss, I’m sorry”.

“The guards can get the delivery”, he counters.

“It’s fresh soup I want it whilst it’s hot”, an embarrassed smile finds its way to your lips as he leans his forehead against yours, his eyes closed as he just enjoyed the moment of the two of you being together.

“Soup? But we could order that to the office if you wanted it, you know that’s no issue”. 

You pout dramatically, hanging off his neck as you whisper with a childish tone, “But it won’t be the soup that I’ve ordered and want”.

Steve rolls his eyes but you know he's being playful, he could never find a reason to be upset with you. Rolling back his shoulders, he stands back to his full height, opening his eyes to cup your cheek with his massive hand but this was when he took you in and a frown dawned on his face just like it had on Sam’s. “Are you feeling ok?” The hand on your cheek moved towards your forehead, expecting to feel a temperature but it felt normal.

“I feel great”, you say with as much cheer in your tone as possible, still holding onto his neck but mostly because another wave of dizziness had rushed through you and you needed some support to stay standing.

Steve didn’t seem convinced, “You just … look a little off”.

You playfully rolled your eyes, similar to how he had just done, “Wow thanks Steve”.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that”.

“I know, I’m joking, I’m fine - really, it's nothing to worry about”. He eyes you and doesn’t fall for your grin so you tried your next trick up your sleeve. Leaning on your tip toes whilst pulling his face closer, you whispered against his lips, “I love you, Stevie”.

The tension momentarily eased from his shoulders as his grip around you tightened, “I love you too”.

“Sorry to interrupt your love fest but I want my own loving”, Bucky broadly announced from the entrance of the kitchen where he was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, a twinkle of mischief in his blue eyes however as you pulled back from Steve and he could finally see your face, the happiness seeped from his face. “Woah, what happened? Are you ok?”

You gave a frustrated huff, finally releasing Steve’s neck as you pointed in the direction of the decorated table. “Right, both of you go and sit down before I decide you don’t deserve any food for being mean”.

Steve shuffled away first as you continued to cook the food, Bucky looking ashamed as he came over and kissed your cheek but before he could pull away, you quickly captured his lips in a kiss to show you’d been playing before and weren’t upset.

“Why are there only two plates on the table?”  Steve questioned as he took a seat.

Without looking over your shoulder at him, you casually answered, “I’ve already had mine, I wasn’t sure when you were both going to be home and I didn’t want to wait”. They both seemed to accept your lie and you happily sat with them as they ate, asking about how the deals were going. They both seemed to be agreed that they were sure to have contracts signed tomorrow and had even been able to pay off some of the international police so that shipping of the goods could occur. In truth, after the soup, you were not feeling at all remotely hungry and even the smell of the cooked food had turned your stomach over.

A couple of hours later, the three of you were preparing for bed. Steve is in the middle and you are to his right and Bucky is to his left. You and the mafia boss had been kissing deeply for a couple of minutes, his hands beneath your shirt, brushing against your breasts, rough fingertips peaking your nipples as you ground down on his thigh. You were soaked and he could feel the evidence of it as you weren’t wearing any underwear but the longer the touches and kisses went on for, the more you were feeling unwell.

As his teeth tugged on your bottom lip and he began to trail open-mouthed kisses over your jaw and down your throat, you noticed Bucky was doing the same thing but to Steve’s neck from behind. However, there were two Bucky’s instead of one as your vision swayed and it felt as if you were on a water bed with how unsteady you felt. The headache was close to a full-blown migraine as well now which only continued to make you feel nauseous so even though there was nothing more you wanted than to continue where this intimacy was leading but, for once, you had to stop it.

“Wait, just- just one moment”, you pushed against Steve's shoulders at the same time. The blonde's hold on you loosened as he moved his face back to look into your eyes but you’d closed them, trying to hide your face from him and Bucky who had also sat up further to check on you. “I just- sorry I’m tired and I… I’m not sure- sorry.. I don’t think-”.

Steve’s fingers tipped your chin up to look at him as he smiled softly down at you, “If you don’t want to do anything, we don’t have to. If you’re tired then I’ll just hold you close, ok? Please don’t apologise for not wanting any of this”.

You relaxed in his arms, feeling grateful for him but also bad that you could feel how aroused he was against your stomach. “Thank you. I’m just feeling so tired today. Please don’t let me stop you both, continue without me, I just want to go to sleep”.

“You don’t have to give us reasons why you don’t want to do it, baby, we’ll do whatever you want to do. Me and Buck don’t have to fuck if you want to be held, I don’t want you thinking we’re neglecting you”.

Affection and love warmed your heart as you kissed Steve’s lips and then reached over his shoulder to kiss Bucky. “I love you both but seriously please continue, I like watching you both anyway so that’ll satisfy me enough if I’m not asleep by that point anyway”.

They both gave their love back to you with praises and pecks to your face before rolling away from you and beginning their exploration of each other's bodies. You watched with a smile on your face for a couple of moments and your core ached with need but as a burst of pain pounded through your temple, your eyes shut automatically to help ease the pain and from there, they never opened again as sleep took you soon after.

The next morning, your migraine had gone but your entire body felt weak and drained of any energy. Steve and Bucky took one look at you and determined that they’d be working from home, wishing to remain near you but they still needed the comfort of their home office upstairs whereas you remained downstairs, pretending to watch TV.

Somehow, you had continued to hide your seasonal illness, they just thought you still looked peaky. Today was the worst you’d felt so far, even having to use the wall as support whilst walking around the home, silently coughing into cushions so that the boys wouldn’t hear upstairs and this only increased the sharp pain shooting through your chest.

At lunchtime, Sam came over to visit and found you at the table in the kitchen, head lying against the table top as you dipped in and out of sleep. You were too tired to even pretend to joke and thankfully for once he didn’t pester you with being unwell, especially knowing Steve and Bucky were home, he assumed they had seen how bad you were so he just sat next to you at the table, easing his hand under your head so you had some comfort against the hard surface.

Soon after, Rafael knocked on the front door with your soup delivery. Usually h,e would stay at the door, never coming into your home but Sam insisted that he come out of the cold and deliver the soup to you in person.

“Yay!” you croaked, reaching out for the warm container, seeing the soup within and seeing that it was a deep red colour today, possibly tomato.

“I didn’t know you cooked, Rafael”, Sam noted, taking his seat next to yours once more as the new guard stayed standing at the head of the table. Other than Natasha, Sam was the lead of the security and guards and technically Rafael’s boss.

“Oh yeah, he used to be a chef”, you explained to Sam, whilst opening the lid of the container, smelling the delicious food and confirming your theory that it was tomato soup.

“Chef? I didn’t know you worked as a chef”, Sam remarked with a frown, eyeing Rafael with confusion as he’d been the one to complete the job interview and didn’t remember seeing chef on his CV.

Rafael casually shrugged his shoulders, looking somewhat tense at the questioning but still forced a smile to his face to please his boss. “I didn’t think it was relevant to the job, to be honest”.

“We’ll have to get you on the bbq when the weather perks up, maybe that’ll stop the arguments between Steve and Bucky”, Sam mused over the thought.

You tried to chuckle but the exhaustion had you slumping against the table as you mumbled, “I feel like shit”.

Sam tensed next to you, “Maybe we should call a doctor. You know, I’m surprised Steve and Bucky aren’t down here right now looking after you, do they even know how bad you’re feeling today?”

“Wait, they’re both here?” Rafael asked Sam but he ignored him, his focus solely on you.

Once again you’re too tired to think of an answer and shrug your shoulders, turning your head to look up at Rafael, “I think the fairies like me too much”.

“Fairies?”, Sam questions thinking that you’d become delirious.

You smile genuinely to Sam, reaching to tap his shoulder, “Inside joke Sam, keep up”.

There was no further discussion of fairies as more hacking coughs ripped through you. It took a couple of moments and Sam rushed to get you a glass of water before you slumped back against the table in exhaustion.

“Why don’t you have the soup and then see how you’re feeling later? Maybe the rest is all you need”, Rafael suggested, filling the silence with his voice.

You couldn’t see it but Sam gave his employee a scathing look, “Rest is all she’s been doing. I’m calling the doc and then I’m going upstairs to tell Steve and Bucky”.

“Aren’t they busy?” Rafael continued to question Sam. “I’ve heard they’ve got that deal coming up from Italy and France, they might appreciate it if you wait a little bit before calling Doctors”.

Sam’s voice was quiet and stern but you were too tired to notice. “That’s not common knowledge, how do you know that?”.

Massaging your temples with the pounding thuds that hadn’t stopped since your coughing fit, you decided that Rafael was right, usually sleep made you feel better. Reaching for the soup one more, you opened the container as you addressed your bodyguard, “he’s right Sam. I just need today for all the work stuff to be over and then I’ll call the doctor. The boys don’t need any distractions, especially today, one more day isn’t going to kill me”.

Sam didn’t look happy as you began to idly sip on the thick, delicious soup. As you thanked Rafael for the meal, Sam finally looked back to him, his frown deep and unmoving as he asked, “Don’t you have work to do?”

Rafael’s spine straightened, “Oh yeah, right. Sorry, sir” and with that, he left to return to work.

“You don’t have to be so bossy you know, he’s just trying to help”, you tried to reason with Sam.

However, your friend ignored you and moved to hold your hand to pull your attention away from the meal and towards him. “I’m giving you until the evening, wait no- if you get any worse before the evening, I am calling the Doc, no arguments, understand?”

“Yes sir”, you say with a little salute.

Finishing your soup, your boyfriends finally came downstairs and you attempted to straighten your posture and plaster a fake smile on your face. Bucky paused in the entryway, sniffing the air and asking, “What’s that smell, I know it's from somewhere but can’t put my finger on it”.

“Is it my soup?” you say, trying to stand up and act like the floor was spinning beneath you.

“No, it’s not that”, he pondered, still looking around and trying to smell whatever he recognised but couldn’t pick it up again. Steve and Bucky both walked past you, kissing the back of your head as you casually explained that you were going to lie down for a little bit. “Wait, let me come with you-”, Bucky started but you held out your hand to stop him.

“You’ve got a busy time at work and I’ve got Sammy boy here anyway so you two continue with your work and we’ll have a nice evening in, Ok?”

“Yes Ma’am”, he mutters before continuing to make his lunch. It wasn’t often that he listened to your instructions but both men were so busy and overwhelmed with work and the consequences that could come from it all that they were all over the place.

The next hour passed by slowly and you didn’t manage to sleep even for a moment because your symptoms were making you feel so awful. You were wheezing so bad that each breath felt like you were suffocating, your eyes began to roll with how much the room was spinning and a violent tremble rocked through your entire body, you didn’t feel right, something was wrong and it was beginning to scare you.

“Sam?” your voice was nothing more than a rasping whisper but he still was able to hear you from where he had been on the phone with the doctor from across the room, having noticed your deterioration in health. He was kneeling by your side in a couple of broad steps, the phone balancing between his cheek and shoulder as he rested a hand on your temple, feeling your spiked temperature. “I don’t feel good”, you admitted, voice full of terror before more coughs ruptured through your chest, leaving you struggling to breathe.

“Steve! Bucky get down here right now!”

“No… no, I just need to sleep”, the fear had disappeared from your voice as you wished for the exhaustion to take you completely, hoping that in sleep you wouldn't feel the pain destroying your insides.

“Hey! No!  Don’t go t sleep, need you to stay awake for me, Doctor Banner is on his way but you can’t go to sleep”, Sam urgently tapped your face, rousing you from the sleep as Bucky had all but jumped down the entire flight of stairs at the shouting.

“What’s going on- What the fuck? Doll?” he replaced where Sam was so that he could continue to explain to the doctor what was happening.

“I’m just not feeling ok, it’s fine Bucky go back to work”, you were somewhat delirious, still not really opening your eyes but leaning into the coldness from Bucky’s hand as he cupped your face. Bucky looked to Sam for answers, his eyes bright and alert with fury and worry.

When Sam shrugged his shoulders, not having any answer as to why you were suddenly so unwell, Bucky quickly turned back to you and assessed your deteriorating health and noticed just how laboured your breathing had become. As he spoke, it was with surprising gentleness but still held authority, “I need you to take a deep breath for me, honey, I want you to try and fill your lungs with air”.

“I’m trying, it’s just seasonal illness, it’ll be ok”.

“What are you talking about?” Bucky asks, not letting go of your face but just moving in closer.

“It’s just seasonal”, your words began to slur as you became incoherent.

Steve finally descended the stairs with just as much purpose as Bucky as he demanded to know what was going on but Bucky couldn’t answer him as he continued to talk to you and keep you awake. “It’s not seasonal, you’re not breathing properly, it’s not-”. Bucky was leaning so close that he was able to smell your breath and he froze, it looked like he now wasn’t even breathing.

“What is it Bucky?” Steve demanded, kneeling next to him and reaching over to take your hand but also feel your pulse, which only made his own increase with worry.

Bucky leans closer and smells your mouth again, so close that you tried to move away as his nose nudged your lips. “What did you eat?” Bucky asked in a tone that forced your eyes to open with concern.

“Huh? Um just my soup”, you say whilst blinking quickly as he still wouldn’t come into focus.

“Soup? Where is it? Where’s the container?” before you could answer, he was on his feet and running into the kitchen as Steve continued to demand answers from his boyfriend, his hand now moving from your wrist to directly over your heart, continuing to count the beats.

Bucky cursed so violently that it actually made you shrink into the cushions but the movement only made you cough more and chest tighten as you struggled to breathe. He returned to the room, his face a deathly white and green shade as he uttered just one word: “Hemlock”.

There was just one brief second where not a body in the room breathed or even moved, one single second to process the poison that Bucky had spoken, the planet that he only knew about because of his time as the Winter Soldier and using it on his target. The poison that he could now smell on your breath, that originated from your container of soup.

It was Sam to speak first, Sam to snap the two men out of their frozen states as he gave the orders from Doctor Banner who had heard the word over the phone. “We need to get her to a hospital right now”.

Steve picked you up, and his entire body began to tremble with adrenaline and fear as no one even stopped to properly dress for the snow outside, only putting their shoes on before rushing to the car. Sam thankfully was able to use the adrenaline to remain headstrong as he climbed into the driver’s side of the car so that Steve and Bucky could both hold you in the back seats and try and keep you awake.

You were lying with your head in Steve’s lap with your body lying across Bucky’s as they clamped their arms around you as makeshift seatbelts. You had heard the word that Bucky had said and even though you knew what it was, you didn’t want to believe it, even as you continued to feel worse. “It’s not poison, it’s just soup”.

However, those words triggered something within your throat and once more you were coughing so hard that you thought you were going to vomit and cringed as metallic warmth filled your mouth and leaked out of the corner of your lips.

You slumped onto Steve and Bucky, head lulling back but Steve was quick to grab your face, tapping it and forcing you to stay awake, “Baby don’t go to sleep! Please stay awake for me! Stay with us, we’ll be at the hospital soon, I promise”.

You were scared, even though you were half-conscious, you were terrified now realising the severity of the situation, knowing that you were coughing up blood which was now soaking the front of Steve’s shirt and hearing how panicked your boyfriends were only made it worse. Through all the scary, dangerous times in your life, they always remained calm and in control but now they were both frantic and frightened. 

As all three men continued to plead with you to stay awake, you forced yourself to open your eyes, only allowing yourself the luxury of blinking occasionally as you kept looking into Steve’s ocean-blue eyes. With his body and face so close to yours, you used him to ground you in the situation, trying to copy his breathing which had slowed since you’d opened your eyes; ignoring the pain from the breaths and resisting the urges to cough even though blood continued to fill your mouth.

“Am I going to die?” you whisper, not being able to ignore the questions now in the back of your mind anymore.

Steve’s breath hitched for a second before he tried to confidently whisper, “No, you’re not going to die”.

You didn’t believe him, especially as the trip to the hospital was delayed by the snow, every second feeling like it could be your worse, you didn’t want it to end like this.

“I love you.”

“You’re going to be ok, just keep looking at Steve, keep breathing”, Bucky pleaded, squeezing your freezing cold hand.

“Please, just say it back”, your voice was hardly audible anymore as your mouth was so full of blood.

“Stop talking and save your energy for when you’re feeling better”, Bucky tried to keep his composure but you knew he was close to snapping.

Your breaths were wet and laboured, wheezing so violently it rattled and echoed around the car but you still managed to plead, “Say it back-”.

“I love you, I love you so fucking much, please don’t leave me, baby”. Steve snapped first, his eyes were wide, fearful and yet beautiful with how stark the blue was as his eyes filled with tears, leaking down his cheek and into his beard.

You were thankful, for both of them, for everything and you wish you could have told them, wishing that you could have heard Bucky’s own declaration of love and adoration for you but the pounding of your heartbeat became so loud in your head that you couldn’t hear anything anymore.

But you continued to hold on, never once looking away from those pretty eyes of Steve’s as Sam finally screeched to a halt outside of the hospital. Once more, Steve carried you and there was a flurry of people in different coloured scrubs suddenly surrounding you as you were placed onto a cold bed.

One moment you were staring into Steve’s eyes and the next you were looking up at a stranger and the comfort you’d once felt, the thing that was grounding you to life was now gone and you couldn’t find him again, no matter how much you moved on the bed, even as the strangers poked and prodded at your body until you couldn’t deal with it anymore and finally closed your eyes.

Do you ever have those naps where you wake up and forget where you are, or what time or day it is? That was currently how you felt except the added sensation of floating encompassed your body as well. The only sort of normality felt throughout your body was a cool feminine hand stroking across your temple in a soothing, repetitive manner.

Your toes wiggled firstly and then your eyes behind your eyelids and even though you knew who was stroking your forehead, you still croakily asked, “Steve? Bucky?”

“It’s just me Sugar” Natasha sounded calm and peaceful as her fingers didn’t stop with their soothing motions. “The boys are going to be so pissed that you’re awake before they’ve got back”.

You huff and dared to open your eyes, grunting at the brightness of the room but thankfully your eyes adjusted and only one, still, Natasha smiled down at you. Seeing that you weren’t going to vomit or freak out, Natasha sat back in her chair, moving to hold onto your hand to give you some comfort. “You gave us a real scare”.

You thought back to everything that happened, some of it was a blur but most of it still played through your mind like a horror movie that you couldn’t look away from or escape. “Was I really poisoned?”

There was one thing that you appreciated about Natasha and that was her blunt honesty, not one to ever sugarcoat her words, “You were”.

“But… But how? I mean… the soup, Rafael, he wouldn’t-”. You stopped yourself talking, trying to envision all the interactions you’d had with him but only one thing repeated through your thoughts: Don’t trust anyone. That was one of the first rules Steve had taught you. “I don’t understand why? He seemed so nice to me, is his name even Rafael? Was everything a lie?”

“That’s what they’re just finding out. Apparently, the friend of a friend rouse was made up including his credentials, usually, our background checks are very thorough but he had some help to slip through the cracks”.

“Do you know what help he had? Who it was, I mean?”

Natasha for once seemed to think before she spoke which unnerved you, knowing that whoever’s name she spoke next wouldn’t be good news.

The monitor displaying your heartbeat began to beep as it increased with the dread that was settling through your body.

“All signs are currently pointing to Pierce”.

Your eyes closed as you tried to remember how to breathe. You knew about Alexander Pierce. Everyone did. He was ruthless and had plenty of finances and power to pay for his success but not only this, he had been one of the top employees of Hydra and usually in charge of the Winter Soldier. So yes, you all knew a lot about Alexander Pierce and his name was one to send fear through any of those involved in the Rogers mafia, even Steve.

As you opened your eyes again to look at Natasha, you could tell she wanted to tell you more but was holding the information to not panic you further but you needed to know. “Please just tell me whatever it is you’re not telling me”.

“We think he paid this guy to come and spy on Steve and Bbucky and it seems he put his sights on you. Specifically.. Because you’re their biggest weakness and it seemed like everyone knows that”.

Your face warmed with fear and anger, as fear prickled the corner of your eyes, “So what, now I’m not even safe in my own home?”

“That’s not-” Tasha began to lean forward in her seat but another voice cut her off.

“No, you weren’t safe in your own home”. Steve stood at your hospital room door, dressed casually in a black shirt and jeans, looking nothing out of the ordinary but his face was wrath of calm and anger. Your eyes snapped from him to Bucky who had looked just as serious but as your eyes connected with his, the hard lines of his face smoothed out into a weak smile.

The two of them step into the room as Natasha stands, informing everyone that she’d give us some space and guard the door.

You’re trying desperately to keep the tears at bay, to keep them from slipping and cascading down your cheeks, not wanting your boyfriends to feel any more guilt but as you took a deep breath in, a sob erupts through you and you can’t keep the emotions back anymore.

You attempted to hide your face with your hands, even with the added difficulty of having tubes and wires attached to the backs of your hands and the tips of your fingers. The realities of everything that had happened began to destroy any hope that you had. You’d nearly died, in your own home where you were supposed to be most safe.

Steve and Bucky sat on either side of your hospital bed, moving silently as they always did and with careful ease, gently took a hand each and pried them away from your face, stroking away any tears that continued to escape.

“I’m sorry, I just- I don’t know… It’s a lot”, you tried to give reason for your crying, even though it was unnecessary. Bucky tilted your face towards him, his voice was so soft and caring that it nearly made you sob with how careful he was being with you, “Don’t apologise for crying, I tell you this all the time, Doll”.

You offered him a wet giggle, taking a few deep breaths before rambling on with your anxiety, “I bet I look like a right mess right now, I don’t even know how long I’ve been asleep for”.

They let you calm yourself down before Steve praises with his low captivating voice, “You always look beautiful, no matter how much snot is on your face”. He smiles as he manages to make you laugh before he turned serious, “It’s been 5 days, baby”.

Your face drops, “5… I’ve been asleep for 5 days?!”

“You passed out when we arrived and when they could finally stop the bleeding you-”

“Bleeding?” you questioned, remembering you were bleeding from the mouth but it didn’t seem like that much.

“The poison you’d ingested that day was a higher dose and caused internal bleeding. After they were able to stabilise you, they needed to detox you from the poison and make sure your body was healing so it was safe to keep you asleep”.

You tried to process everything that Steve had told you, it felt confusing for you to have been through so much and yet feel such little pain in your body.

As if reading your mind, Bucky once again captivated your attention as he asked, “How are you feeling? Are you in pain?”

“No I’m not in any pain but I feel wrong like my body is floating in the water or something”.

“That might be due to the medications that they’ve got you on, they’re pretty strong Sweetheart”, his pet name helped to calm your disorientated mind, clinging on to the familiarity and focusing on the way both of their hands were holding yours and stroking tiny circles in your skin,

“Did you get the answers you wanted, from Rafael, or whatever his name is”.

Steve and Bucky shared a glance between each other but Steve decided to be the one to answer. “We got the answers, it was as Nat was explaining. Pierce wanted someone in the gang, spying and getting as close to us as possible and I guess they somehow managed to weasel their way in and tried to succeed with their plan to hit our weak spot”.

You took a deep breath to try and reduce the rising anxiety in the pit of your stomach before asking tentatively, “So what happens now? With Pierce I mean.”

“That’s a problem for another time, just need you to get better first”, Bucky interjected, lifting your hand to kiss the few fingers that were attached with clips or wires.

You tried to smile at him, wanting him to know how much you appreciate him but the feeling never met your eyes and this seemed to twist something in Steve and Bucky. Both of their demeanours changed, no longer were you looking at just your boyfriends but also the mafia boss and his second in command, mixing business with family.

Bucky began talking first, tone strong and husky, “This isn’t something we are taking likely. Sam’s already spent the last day and a half revisiting everyone’s past, making sure there are no other moles that have slipped through the cracks. No new faces are allowed anywhere near our home or you.”

As he spoke, you managed sure to nod your head and try to squeeze his hand in understanding. Steve shifted in his chair, capturing your attention as he continued the discussion. “You are safe and you should have been safe but we let you down, you were vulnerable when we weren’t there to protect you like we promised we would. We let you down, we broke our promise, we could understand if you didn’t want-”.

“Whatever you’re about to say you better forget about it right now”, you say sternly, heartbeat beginning to race on the monitor again as Steve’s mouth shut quickly with a snap. “The idea of being your weakness has always frightened me but, I could also be your greatest strength. I mean - Look at what you’ve been going just to protect the house, to protect me. I know you feel like you’ve let me down but I don’t feel let down in any way. Yes, of course, what’s happened is scary, especially in our home but I doubt it’ll ever happen again. They can try and tear us apart, they can try, but they won’t break us, they can’t break us. We have to remain on top ok? I always feel safe and trusted when I’,m with you both so please, don’t ever feel like I'm not because I am. I’ll always love you both, I’m not going anywhere”.

You sucked in air greedily after your short speech, the building emotions spilling freely everything you truly believed to the men beside you, not wishing for them to ever feel doubt for the relationship or how you felt.

Looking between them both, your heart sank as you noticed Bucky quickly wipe the corner of his eye. “I thought you said no more tears”, you spoke softly whilst trying to wipe away a stray tear.

“That’s before you decided to swoon me with your speech”, he quipped back, the light returning to his eyes once more as you laughed.

“I love you Bucky”.

“I love you, Doll”, standing from his chair, his metal hand stroked over the side of your face as he captured your lips with his, lingering for a few beautiful seconds before sitting back down.

Steve had lifted your hand during your speech and was kissing your palm and you reached out to stroke his beard, “I love you, Steve”.

He too stood, just as Bucky had but he kissed your forehead first, breathing you in for a moment before doing the same against your lips. “I love you too, so much baby”.

As Steve sat back down, your eyes began to feel heavy, all of the strong emotions exhausted you completely. “Will you both be here when I wake up? Not that I’m complaining about Natasha but she doesn’t spoon me like you both do”.

They both chuckle under their breath before Steve promises, “We aren’t going anywhere, sleep, Sweetheart”.

[chuuwtoy]

ive noticed that a lot of people seem to misunderstand S.T.A.R.S era wesker. i see it in fanfiction a lot where he's a complete and utter emotionless hardass.

i dont think this was the case in canon. working as a captain in a unit akin to SWAT you have to be tough, stern, and the like, but albert also needed to gain the trust of his team - and being unapproachable and feared is not the way to go, and he knows that.

every iteration of wesker is pretty different from each other. peter jessop's version is the one im going to be talking about since that version of wesker is who we see in RE remaster.

wesker is actually quite informal with his alpha team members, referring to them by their first names a number of times, and they don't use "sir" or "captain" on him at all. his tone, and language also give off major chill vibes (although this is probably because his plans are coming into fruition) he's a bit soft-spoken and doesnt sound nearly as sophisticated as he does in most fanfiction.

when i first became obsessed with resident evil i remember analyzing everything in the S.T.A.R.S office, it didnt stand out to me before but there were dart boards, CDs, chris' guitar, etc ... i bet they had more fun in that office than we thought. but what really gets me is that wesker must've allowed them to bring this stuff in (which is really funny because i'm imagining him raising eyebrows at chris bringing in this huge guitar one morning).

he trained members of the alpha team (and maybe bravo team too?) not only because thats his job but because he needed that combat data as well. though, i'd argue that sending people that were ill-prepared is sorta dumb and a waste. rebecca wasnt great at physical combat and brad was... a chicken, you'd think he'd work harder to have them become better but nope. he probably gave S.T.A.R.S leeway a bunch of times.

of course, i think the idea of him being a bit mean and an asshole to atleast one specific person in S.T.A.R.S is enthralling- whether it be chris, jill, a self-insert or whatever! also this wasnt made to bash any headcanons, do what you want! it's all fictional stuff anyway ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ just thought i'd share my incoherent thoughts (๑>؂•̀๑)

[mashithamel]

When I first heard Rand would be working in a sanitarium in season 2 and he’d have a friend named Errol, I was kind of annoyed. Why would they spend precious time in a location and on a character that aren’t in the books, when there is so much ground to cover and so many characters to introduce?

But they used this setting and this character so economically, and so efficiently, that I have been completely converted. They didn’t waste a moment of screentime for Errol, and in only a few minutes justified his creation as a terrific vehicle for exposition and to introduce so many important concepts.

As soon as Rand walks in the door we’re introduced to the Aiel War (specifically—I means we got Blood Snow last season but it wasn’t put in a lot of context). We get a personal view into how much Cairhein specifically was affected by it (the effects of which are mentioned a couple more times this season), as well as giving it a relative timeframe—Errol is much older than Rand, so it wasn’t just a few years ago.

We are reminded that Rand looks like the Aiel even with shaving his head, reminding us about his adoption and that he’s an outsider. Here in Cairhein, even when people know and like him, the citizens are likely to have a gut reaction of surprise or fear when they first see him, something that may contribute to his difficulties ruling the place down the road. We are reminded that they are considered fierce fighters, and introduce that their women also fight and are considered deadly.

We are introduced to sword forms! We didn’t get Lan training Rand in either season (although it sounds like we will finally get it next season!), so it’s nice to learn he’s been getting at least some introductory training if he’s going to be a blademaster eventually. It’s also very consistent with the books for Rand to take advantage of opportunities to learn whatever and from whoever he can. We’re reminded about Rand’s heron-marked blade (before it does its important thing and melts in episode 8) and make the connection that it is carried by blademasters.

So importantly, we see how kind Rand is. He clearly knows and likes this crazy old man who’s calling for the guards. He speaks to him kindly without a trace of annoyance that they’re having the same conversation they do everyday (anyone who cares for people with dementia can probably understand that is really hard at times!). He puts Errol’s shoes on for him. This isn’t quite washing feet, which Biblically speaking is an act of humbling one’s self, but it’s definitely the sort of thing you wouldn’t expect the Promised One to be doing routinely. Right now it’s his job to do, but he does it with the care and compassion you might have for an elderly family member. He defends and comforts Errol when another employee is cruel. At heart Rand is kind and loving. Killing, ordering executions, sending people into danger where some will definitely die are all things he will need to do as Dragon Reborn, and his struggle with this will inform a large part of his arc over the next few seasons.

We see the inequality of the Cairheinin system (and then more blatently at the dinner party). Unsurprisingly the Cairheinin separate their health care by wealth and power, and it sounds like the poor ones may not even have a garden to walk around in? The Two Rivers doesn’t really have this type of inequality, and some of the first things Rand does in the books as the Dragon Reborn is make the elite start treating the poor and lower classes more fairly.

And of course we get PTSD and mental illness. Both PTSD and fears of going mad are important for Rand later, so this early introduction helps define the stakes for him.

It was such a short scene, and I’m sure there are other details those with more skill could expand on (the horse that Rand sets upright? the color palate?). I just really appreciated how much the writers crammed into an original character to help lay the groundwork not just for this season but for seasons (hopefully) to come.

[blitzyn]

Thoughts on modern Jock!Childe ? This au lives in my head rent free and iusudgdbjchdhdjchcbcksg

HELP I WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS I KINDA FORGOT THAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JOCK CHILDE. i hope this is ok though. if it's not u can request something else/the same thing and ill try my best to come up with something more related to what u want. also!! i wasn't sure if you wanted nsfw or not so i just kept it sfw

gn!reader

> I can see him playing American football or hockey, truthfully. He enjoys the thrill of dangerous body-to-body contact and fast paced gameplay.

> He, surprisingly, knows how to play various other sports, too. He may not be the best, but he is well informed on the rules and the general idea of how to play. Just give him about 10 minutes to get the hang of it, and it'll be like he was born for that sport.

> He devotes a lot of time on his primary sport, but always makes sure he does his school assignments. Alongside with his desire to be the best in his sport, he also strives to be phenomenal academically, even if the work he turns in isn't the very best sometimes.

> Now! Childe isn't one to focus on romantic relationships very often. He doesn't believe he has a need for one. He's got enough attention in his school as it is. He's confident he could find someone in record time with the sheer amount of fans he has, but he also doesn't want to waste his time on someone if they don't truthfully like him and only view him as a trophy to flaunt.

> But that's also where you come in! It took him a while to get to properly know you, much to his delight. Don't get him wrong, he enjoys meeting new people and the small talk it brings, but he prefers the challenge of figuring out someone's quirks and habits before they tell him.

> You had also treated him like he wasn't a star student-athlete, and more like a friend. Like his status in school didn't matter. Although that was later into your friendship; you had spoken to him rather coldly at first.

> He was interested in how you so easily ignored the envious glares of particularly obsessive supporters when the two of you were chosen to be partners during a project one time. In previous experiences, some of his partners took it upon themselves to do most – if not all – of the work, leaving Childe with the sole job to present in front of the class. You did no such thing. You made sure to cut the workload in half between the two of you and kept it upon yourself to remind him of the upcoming deadline and to produce good work.

> He appreciated how you treated him like an equal, even if it was a bit harsh.

> And then came the dreaded time when a specific project required one of you to head to the other's house in order to properly complete it. You knew he had quite a number of admirers, but you'd never realized some of them would go so far as to begin threatening you (most of which you knew were empty), or even resort to going physical in order to instill fear.

> Of course, you never took them seriously. After all, they were diehard fans that would forget about Childe as soon as school was over. Although it did annoy you how they disrupted your routine for the sake of their own satisfaction.

> One fateful day, as you were making your way towards Childe's house after you had to go back to yours to grab something, two obsessive admirers managed to spot you. At first, they were easy to ignore, but they had very quickly resorted to shoving you to the floor when you refused to give them the reaction they wanted.

> Luckily, you weren't too far from Childe's house, and he managed to spot you from one of his windows. You'd never forget the looks on their faces when they saw him walk up with a cold, unamused, and almost angry glint in his eyes.

> After they had left, he insisted on buying you something in return for having to deal with those types of people because of him. He really was sorry!

> You begrudgingly accepted his offer, and went on a 'date' with him.

> It took quite a while of you denying your feelings for him for you to finally admit that you did, in fact, have a crush on him. Although it wasn't during a desired moment (it was while you were playing a game of truth or dare), it felt relieving to reveal what you had felt for so long. You were very glad to know that he felt the same.

Now, more about your relationship!

> You were very surprised to hear that Childe had been talking about you to his family. Even though it was your first time meeting them, it seemed as if you were an old friend to them.

> Loves to give gifts. You have no idea how he makes so much money to buy you things you've always wanted or even things you lingered your gaze on for more than five seconds. It always makes you feel a little bad since you don't give him anything very often, but he reassures you that all he needs is your smile. And a kiss.

> Very affectionate, too! There is not one moment where he doesn't at least have a hand on your body. It's even worse – or better, depending on how you see it – in private. Hugs you all the time. He does understand if you're more reluctant with physical touch, though. He asks for permission every time he wants to hold you unless you specifically tell him you're okay with it.

> Has a death grip when he's asleep. Once you're in his arms, you're stuck there the entire night. It'll take either you being stronger than him or some miracle to tug yourself out of his hold. It's kind of become a problem that you had to learn to accept.

> Loves kisses. He plants them everywhere - your forehead, cheeks, lips, neck, arm, anywhere where there's skin showing. It's mandatory to kiss each other before one of you leave the house. Even if you're only leaving to get the mail.

> I see him as more of a competitive arguer. A lot of the time, you two only argue about small things like where the TV remote goes or who's making dinner that night. But in the infrequent instances where you are genuinely arguing, he can't help but go on and on until he gets the last word.

> If you buy him a piece of jewelery, he always makes sure to kiss it after he takes it off in the locker room before a game. It's his good luck charm!

> Enjoys showing you off, but tones it down if you feel uncomfortable about it.

> He finds it hilarious when you try to squirm away from him after a victorious game. You whine and shout about how sweaty he is, but you're more than happy to give him his kiss. Most of the time.

> Occasionally waves to you when he gets the chance during his games. He loves seeing the smile it brings to your face when he does so.

Super sorry it's short, I ran out of ideas lol

[thepenguinclub]

dancing with our hands tied

jegulus, dancer!regulus, smitten!james, mutually beneficial agreements (ill do soemthign for you if i get to give you a little smooch on the forehead), open ending

Wordcount: 2,423

Summary:

When Marlene had first invited James along to pick up her new girlfriend from her dance studio, he had been slightly curious but mostly more interested in the nachos they were going to get afterwards. But one thing had led to another, and then he was watching Marlene’s girlfriend dance something called a jive with the most gorgeous man he had ever seen, moving so quickly and fluidly that James had, for the first time in his life, had to seriously consider needing to leave a room for fear of embarrassing himself.

So, James being James, he had immediately needed to speak to the man, who had introduced himself as Regulus. And, because James really had no self-control, he had then proceeded to call the man beautiful, asking him on a date, and then giving him his number despite his repeated refusals. Not his finest moment, and James had genuinely contented himself to never stepping foot back in Marlene’s girlfriend’s place of work ever again and possibly also moving to China, but then the unthinkable had happened. Regulus had texted him.

---

Regulus needs a favor, and James is more than happy to help.

hey. i think ive decided my presence on this website will just be me randomly uploading shit i speedwrote and did not reread whenever motivation strikes, and you know what? im okay with that.

this is my first jegulus work, i love them. this idea hit me in the shower and instead of imagining a whole book surrounding this one interaction i decided that i was just going to write this as a oneshot and if i decide to expand upon it later, good for me. if not, whatever. if you feel struck by motivation after reading this and want to continue it, go for it (if you do please credit it me because i would love to read it).

otherwise yeah i think that's it. enjoy.

WARNINGS: drinking (coffee), swearing, james has some dirty thoughts but none are explicit, just maybe imply explicit stuff, mentions of the control walburga and orion have over regulus, implied depressive feelings

if theres anything i missed let me know and i'll add it :)

-----------

The cafe around James was not at all what he had expected when he had agreed to meet with Regulus.

Granted, James had only spoken with Regulus once, so what did he really know? Quaint, pastel coffee shops could be right up the other man’s alley, though somehow James doubted that. With his pale skin, glossy black curls, sharp cheekbones and lithe figure, Regulus looked more likely to be found at a Victorian ball than a cafe in downtown London.

And yet, there he was, walking briskly through the door, just as striking as the first time James had seen him. He was in a soft-looking gray sweater, and black trousers that hugged his thighs. James lifted a hand from his table and smiled at him, only receiving a quick nod in return before Regulus was stepping up to the counter to order.

The conversation that had led to that point had been a short one, starting with a ping on James’ phone and a ‘James Potter? This is Dorcas’ friend, Regulus.’ and ended in a ‘see you there!!!! 😁’ Honestly, James had assumed it had been a waste of time to give Regulus his number at all, seeing as he had appeared very uninterested in James’ original advances when Dorcas had first introduced them. Which she had warned him about, of course, but James couldn’t help it; watching Regulus and Dorcas dance the way they had was nothing short of a transcendent experience.

When Marlene had first invited James along to pick up her new girlfriend from her dance studio, he had been slightly curious but mostly more interested in the nachos they were going to get afterwards. But one thing had led to another, and then he was watching Marlene’s girlfriend dance something called a jive with the most gorgeous man he had ever seen, moving so quickly and fluidly that James had, for the first time in his life, had to seriously consider needing to leave a room for fear of embarrassing himself.

So, James being James, he had immediately needed to speak to the man, who had introduced himself as Regulus. And, because James really had no self-control, he had then proceeded to call the man beautiful, asking him on a date, and then giving him his number despite his repeated refusals. Not his finest moment, and James had genuinely contented himself to never stepping foot back in Marlene’s girlfriend’s place of work ever again and possibly also moving to China, but then the unthinkable had happened. Regulus had texted him.

“Thank you for coming,” Regulus said in his posh, perfect accent. Every move he made was graceful and precise, from the way he sat in the chair to the way he lifted his coffee to his lips to sip it slowly. James was obsessed.

“Happy to,” he replied, smiling widely. He was going for ‘a friendly guy’ and not ‘in love with a stranger’, and hoped he succeeded. After a moment of silence, when Regulus continued to sip his coffee and James continued to stare at him, James cleared his throat and pushed up his glasses. “I was surprised you texted me. Not that I didn’t want you to, of course, but you had just seemed, well…”

“Uninterested,” Regulus filled in for him after the word had stretched on for a few seconds. James nodded. “I was.”

“What changed?” James asked curiously, his fingers tightening around his own cup of coffee. He had drained it a few minutes before Regulus had walked in, which was, in hindsight, a bad idea.

Regulus sighed.

“I appreciated your honesty at the studio, James,” he said seriously. “And I am sorry, but I cannot be for you what you want me to be.”

“I don’t want you to be anything,” James refuted immediately. “I am happy for this to be whatever you want it to be.”

“That’s nice of you.” Regulus’ lips twisted, and he took another sip of his coffee. James watched his Adam’s Apple move as he swallowed. “I was hoping to repay you with some honesty of my own, really. That’s why I asked you to meet.”

“I’m all ears.” James leaned forward. This man was very interesting, and trust that James was very interested. It also seemed to him that Regulus wasn’t particularly honest often, and that he should make sure he paid attention to whatever he was about to say.

“I don’t have time for friends,” Regulus told him, “much less a significant other. I spend twelve hours a day, six days a week in that dance studio. When I’m not there, I am preparing to take over my family’s investments when I inherit them. When I am not doing that, I am studying for the online classes I take at Oxford. The only friends I can truly afford to have are the ones that are at the studio with me. As you can imagine, their friendships are very dear to me.”

James nodded, and Regulus blew out a long breath.

“My family puts a lot of importance on my dance career, specifically my mother. Her expectation is that I am perfect.”

“That’s impossible,” James interrupted with furrowed brows. “Sorry, but- she must know that no one is perfect.”

“No one is perfect except for me,” Regulus corrected calmly. “She, nor I, will settle for less. For a very long time, my mother has been arguing to send me to a dance studio in Paris, one that is much more prestigious than the one I am at currently. I come from a different class than Dorcas, or Barty and Pandora, who I believe Dorcas introduced you to.”

“She did,” James confirmed, crossing his arms on the table. He didn’t like any of what Regulus was saying, and felt extremely protective of him, and angry on his behalf. He forced himself to remember that he had only met this man a week ago, and that they still did not know each other.

“The only one of our friends who matches me in social standing is Evan and he has recently made some… controversial decisions. That is what had resulted in my mother seriously pushing for my movement to France.” Regulus paused, pursing his lips. 

“Have you told Evan this?” James asked cautiously. “I don’t know you or him very well, but if he’s your friend I’m sure he would stop if he knew it was hurting you.”

“No,” Regulus answered fiercely. “Evan is taking a stand against his family for what he believes in, and I will always support him. To ask him to stop would be to trap him in his situation, and I would never do that to him. And he would certainly stop if I were to let him know of my situation.”

“Alright, well, there has to be something you can do,” James argued, feeling rising up in his chest. “Your parents can’t just ship you off to France, you’re a grown adult.”

“For complicated reasons I cannot explain to you, yes, they can,” Regulus sighed. “My age has no bearing in the matter. For all intents and purposes, they have complete control over me. But you’re right, there was something I could do. I got my mother to agree to a contract.”

“A contract?” James asked, eyes wide. Regulus simply hummed.

“Indeed. She would not force me to leave London if I could prove that I was not wasted at my current studio, and that my skills were improving. She agreed that I could do this by performing a specific way at the upcoming world ballroom dance competition.”

“Ignoring the horrifying fact that your mother made you sign a contract for your freedom,” James started slowly, “how are you supposed to perform? Please tell me she doesn’t expect you to win the whole thing.”

“No, not quite.” Regulus gave him a humorless smile, which briefly stopped James’ heart. “I must win every single category that I compete in except for one, as well as receive two perfect scores and break one record.”

“What the fuck?” James asked, appalled. “How is that possible? I mean, I’m sure you’re amazing, but that has to be impossible, or at least extremely difficult. How could she expect you to do that?”

“She doesn’t,” Regulus answered primly, swirling his coffee in his hand as if it were an exquisite red wine. “And you’re right, it is, while not impossible, extremely difficult. But I work very hard. And you were right again. I am amazing. I’ve planned out every category that I am competing in and every dance or event I will participate in and have it down to a perfect plan in which the terms are met.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but,’” James sighed, biting his lip.

“But, a majority of the categories that I have to win are paired dances. Which means that even if I perform perfectly, I cannot guarantee a win.”

“Because it relies on Dorcas to perform perfectly as well,” James finished, leaning back in his chair and running a hand through his hair. “That’s horrible.”

“It is what it is.” Regulus copied his movement, reclining in his chair much more graceful than James. “Dorcas is completely capable of performing the way she needs to, but not if she is worried. She needs to have a clear head.”

“She would be worried if she knew your future rested on her performance,” James couldn’t help but say. Dorcas was lovely, from the few times he had hung out with her and Marlene, but she did seem like somewhat of an anxious person, and he also knew that Regulus was her best friend. James could only imagine what it would be like to know that Sirius’ future happiness rested on his shoulders.

“Exactly,” Regulus agreed, “which is why I’m not telling her, or any of my friends. If it happens, it happens, and there’s nothing they can do about it. If it doesn’t, there’s nothing to worry about. But either way, she doesn’t need that kind of pressure.”

“Alright, that all makes some kind of twisted sense.” James pushed his glasses up his nose again. “Where do I fit into it?”

“Dorcas is already worried about me.” Regulus sighed heavily and rubbed a hand across his face. Despite the heaviness of the conversation, James couldn’t help but swoon a bit. “She believes that I am unhappy, and worries about my lifestyle.”

“Well… are you unhappy?” James asked slowly. Regulus waved his hand, as if physically batting the words out of the way.

“Whether I am or not is neither here nor there. What’s important is whether Dorcas thinks I am. Which is, as you said, where you come in.” Regulus pointed at James with a long, thin, perfectly manicured finger. James dug his nails into the meat of his thigh to stop himself from thinking about sucking on it. “Dorcas has, for some reason, decided that you are the key to my happiness, either as a friend or boyfriend. I don’t have time for either.”

“You want me to pretend to be your friend or boyfriend?” James squinted at him, his heart experiencing an interesting squeezing feeling. “Am I understanding that right?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Regulus clenched his teeth, the muscles in his jaw flexing with the movement. James reminded himself to focus. 

“Sorry, can we back up to the part where you never answered if you were unhappy or not? I feel like that’s a little important,” he said, concern buzzing under his skin. They had only been talking for a small while, but James had given up on pretending that he shouldn’t feel so strongly about Regulus and had decided to just dive right in. He was concerned and angry and protective and he wanted to wrap Regulus in a hug. He settled for waiting for a response.

“I don’t…” The man across from him seemed to struggle with his answer for a moment before letting out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Don’t you want to be?” James asked.

“I don’t know,” Regulus repeated, sounding more and more unsure of himself. He squirmed a bit in his seat, for the first time looking something other than calm and collected. Two spots of color rose on the height of his cheekbones, and he bit his lip. Fuck, James wanted to eat him.

He shook his head sharply. Not the time.

“I’ll make a deal with you,” James offered. “I’ll pretend to be your friend or boyfriend or whatever you want for as long as you want.”

“And in return?” Regulus asked, face suspicious but intrigued. He leaned forward in his seat and folded his hands on the table.

“You try and be happy, and don’t stop until you are,” James answered firmly. “And then you say to me, “James, I’m happy,” and really mean it. When that happens, you’ve done your part.”

Regulus stared at him for a long time. James stared back. He hadn’t felt this strongly about anything or anyone in… forever. He’d never felt this strongly about anyone, and James made a silent deal with himself then that he wouldn’t let Regulus go. That whatever his answer was, this would not be that last time they saw each other.

“Okay,” Regulus agreed finally, face blank and eyes inscrutable. “I agree to your terms.”

James reached a hand over the table, and Regulus took it without hesitation. They shook hands, and James really wished he wasn’t thinking about how mouthwatering their skin tones looked against each other in such an important moment.

“You’re a very strange man, James Potter,” Regulus told him as he let go. James smiled.

“Thank you, Regulus- er…”

“Black,” Regulus supplied, with a slight smile of his own. James’ breath stuttered at the sight. “Regulus Black.”

“Regulus Black,” James repeated, tasting the name on his tongue. “You have the same last name as my best friend.”

Regulus hummed in response and finished his coffee, standing. James stood as well.

“I have to get back,” Regulus said, “but I’ll text you.”

“I’ll be waiting,” James replied, cringing a second later. Definitely missed ‘a friendly guy’ and fully crossed into ‘in love with a stranger’ on that one. Although, Regulus wasn’t really a stranger anymore.

James was rewarded for his awkwardness by another smile, larger than any he had seen before.

“Goodbye.” Regulus nodded at him, turned, and left.

James fell back into his chair and buried his head in his hands. When he closed his eyes, he still saw that last smile.

-----------

hope you liked it. im thepenguinclub on ao3 if you wanna read more stuff. comments and kudos are my life force so please leave them, especially comments they always make my day. ive posted some other stuff for harry potter, as well as merlin and sanders sides so if any of that's your jam feel free to read that too, otherwise have a fantastic rest of your day and i'll see you next time.

[human-psyche]

A DEADLY ATTRACTION.

" everybody has light around them. he has shadows... "

characters: yeonjun x reader

genre: dark, romance, angst, gangs, hitman!yeonjun, yandere!yeonjun, violence, mature content

about: choi yeonjun is txt's sniper. he's cold, emotionless and wicked, but most importantly, he's known to never miss. y/n, an unlucky witness, becomes his first ever mistake on his latest mission so he resorts to keeping her hostage and hiding this secret. y/n is soon caught in a toxic dance of attraction with the male who stands between her and freedom...

No matter how much Y/n pleaded, Yeonjun simply would not be moved at all. He'd watch her struggle with a curiousity that's both cruel and somehow distant, though underneath, he also has a strange fascination for the way she refuses to give up on her freedom, nevermind that she's now far away from even going out to a store to shop for her own clothes: reduced to wearing those he'd bought of his own liking, or lack of it, and thrown at her to change. Heck, she can't even pull the curtains without it having a negative effect on her existence with him.

During one of those times when she's gathering up all her hatred to confront him again directly, eventhough she knows deep down that it's nowhere near efficient, the male enters the bedroom, quickly subduing her before she can scream out loud. He holds her wrists so tightly that she winces in pain.

"Let me go!" she yells at him, injecting every ounce of power and courage she has into her demand which is a whole lot daring given her position as a victim.

Seeing her energy, something stirs inside Yeonjun; he has never taken a liking to a target before, sure, they're interesting, but none of them has ever made him feel...this. He needs to push it away to focus on his job. He may have thought he's immune to feeling anything, but the truth is he doesn't want to admit.

"You should be less vocal." he says.

Y/n narrows her eyes at him in defiance, provoked by the fact that he doesn't even take her argument seriously.

"And you should have the decency to be more human." she retorts back like an acrid insult, making her honest opinion of him known despite the fear that lingers in every interaction she has with him.

Yeonjun growls in irritation. He steps closer to her still form, towering over her smaller frame. "You don't know a thing about me," he hisses.

"I know more than you think. You make me sick."

The two lock eyes, a dialogue of anger and hate driving the exchange between them like a chain reaction, her attitude to his ill treatment adding fuel to the fire.

Yeonjun is the first to move: he lunges forward. The girl attempts to fight back but her strength's no match for him, she tries to keep herself unaffected though she fails, sobbing through her teeth at the sting produced because he pulls her closer. She can feel his breath on her face…her anger bleeding through her response to him which is to scream again at the hitman, this time akin to a defense mechanism to try and restore some space.

He can feel the sadness emanating off of her. He wishes he can turn off his feelings but for once, he can't. His cold demeanor is the only thing he allows himself to feel but despite all this, he finds her captivating.

"Would you shut up already?" he sneers. "You're wasting your breath."

"No!" Y/n shouts back. "I won't shut up! You can't do this to me! Let me go!"

The hitman cocks an eyebrow, intrigued by the passionate manner in which she's fighting against him. That numbing emotion that he's not sure how to interpret quickly leaves him as he remembers his mission and her screams return to the forefront of his mind. "It won't make a difference." he brings her back to reality. "You don't have a choice. You're my hostage now and you'll stay here with me untill I can find a way to use you."

As he tilts her chin up with one finger and looks at her with a cruel smirk on his lips, Y/n wants to rip away from his grasp and run for her life, but her body is paralyzed by fear. Instead, she just stares at him, unable to comprehend the situation she currently finds herself in, her heart pounding in her chest.

"Your defiance is attractive, but you're not going anywhere, Y/n."

His matter-of-factly voice is as cold as ice, sending shivers down the her spine.

Without warning, he leans in to plant a single kiss on her.

It feels like a brand, Y/n recoils in shock.

"Now you're quiet."

Avoiding his gaze, she swallows her protest, her gaze filled with stubborn tears that she refuses to shed in front of him.

The corners of his lips quirk up. "You look like you have something to say."

She scrambles for words, calming her ragged breaths before speaking. "I will never forgive you for treating me like this." she grits out, the venom evident in her verbalized disapproval of what their criminal - hostage relationship seems to have turned to, as if it wasn't enough how he dealt with her before, right from the beginning.

"Oh? And why's that?"

She lets out a scream of pure frustration. While backing away from him and getting off the ironically king sized, very comfortable, very spacious bed that his luxury apartment can afford, she has no intention to give in to his game. "You can't win, Choi Yeonjun. I'll never stop fighting." she swears, her determined voice betrayed only by how it shakes with the will to get over this.

He's silent as he watches her, curiousity resurfacing. She's a challenge for him, someone he finds interesting.

Her movements are steady as she curls down next to the big balcony windows and stares him down, her fingers clenching in the fabric of her shirt. Distance, that's what she needs from him right now, especially after how close they were earlier. It messes with her…she can't, she shouldn't even think about it. "I'm going to escape one day. You can't keep me here forever." Y/n whispers, trying to convince him一 or rather convince herself.

"It looks like you have a lot to learn, Y/n."

Yeonjun simply shrugs. A clear response.

He has no plans to let her go.

. . .

a/n: part one will be posted soon. share / reblog if you like and do follow me for more similar content!

[brainisonfire]

I really hope this won't come across as a way to compare different kinds of illnesses and struggles cause it's not, it's just stuff I thought about while listening to the great impersonator that I needed to share. at the end of the day, I'm just a mentally ill bitch lol

i still need time to process this record well enough to be able to fully put into words the amount of things that im feeling, but this whole thing about this album is bringing back things. so im sorry if this is going to be sort of a trauma dump.

in february one of my best friends lost her mother to cancer, and even tho it's not my trauma and my loss to claim it hit harder than i expected (and yes, i do feel like shit for expecting it to hit less). my friend and i grew up basically as one, we've been together since we were three years old, we spent so many afternoons in her room playing with her mum. i knew that woman too well to act like it didn't hurt me as well, but im not going to pretend it's my loss to grieve. she had a family i need to stay closer than ever now.

all of this was to say that when she died something in my brain snapped. i had the kind of reaction that makes you go 'life is short. i can't keep wasting mine. anything could happen at any minute. i dont want to go with these many things left unsaid'. which felt insane, and also kind of bad if i have to be honest, because years ago when my father died i didn't have the clarity of mind to act the same way and i wish i did.

it lasted a few months and then i fell back into my usual mental patterns and old habits, which I'm definitely not proud of, but i really do believe that even tho i keep telling myself that i went back to therapy because i needed an ocd diagnosis and someone to help me manage it (which is something that was and still is definitely very real), i actually needed to know i was working in a direction where i could, someday, be at least well enough to be there for my friends when they need me. because i fear that, right now, I'm not. and it's not fair to them to always have to second guess if they can call me or not when they need a shoulder to lean on, especially when tragedies like that happen. i want to be able to give them my undivided attention, not to have to fight against my brain to be able to barely have the energy to listen to them.

it was weird to listen to this album and realise that I can (in my own personal way, i dont want it to sound like i know the exact same pain h experienced cause i didn't go through the same things she did) relate to both of the points of view. my chronic illness is not nearly as debilitating as what she had to go through, but in my tiny way I've been both the 'heavy heart' that's 'too much to hold' and the one that wanted to try to be there for someone else and couldn't because of my own issues. and I swear im trying so hard to not repeat the same mistakes. im far from perfect, but I'm trying to show up more for the people that i love.

I'm not the kind of person that needs to do something big with their life or to give meaning to it etc, but i do need to know that it's worth it, that the bad parts are balanced by something positive. and, right now, i still dont know how to hope for things, cause a future is still not a concept i feel comfortable in yet. if i have to be completely honest i never pictured myself getting this far, but now that I'm here i might as well try to *actually* be here, at least for the people i care about. I can't do that if i dont start seriously working on things i avoided for ten years, and grief plays a huge part in this because spoiler: no matter how much time it passes, it still hurts.

i wish 13yo me didn't shut down completely and was able to process things instead, but apparently it's a job for 23yo me. i still need to fully accept that it is ok to miss my dad now even if i didn't let myself feel it for years, but i'm getting there. i have a million questions for him and I'll never get the answers. i still have to learn how to deal with it. this record hit like a ton of bricks.

so once again, after saving my ass with both badlands and manic at the most perfect time, h art came in at the right moment. i feel like something in me changed after listening to this album, exactly in the same way i felt in february. i felt my perspective shift again, for the better. I hope it'll last.

i might not be able to stitch my brain back together as fast as I'd like to, this shit will take time. i still have to fully convince myself that i can use the word 'will' instead of 'could' because i still dont really believe I'll make it lol, but one step at a time. I'm tired as fuck, but I'm trying.

i'm just so glad that i can do it while listening to the great impersonator. i needed this record so bad, it's unbelievable how someone who doesn't even know me is always able to give me exactly what i need when i need it. I'll forever be grateful for what she did and keeps doing for me through her music. this album means so much more than I'll ever be able to express

[myorgansaremelting]

Just asking because I realized I don't actually know but, what is anorexia? What does it do? How does it work? Do you know if anything in particular causes it?

(Of course you don't need to answer if you don't want to, I just wanted to ask because god forbid If I look up anything myself.)

Anorexia is a mental disorder, it's full name is actually Anorexia Nervosa, and there are two subtypes, Anorexia Nervosa-Restrictive and Anorexia Nervosa-Binge Purge. I have Anorexia Nervosa-Restrictive, meaning I do not Binge Purge.

In the dsm 5 there are basically 3 things you need to "check off" to have anorexia and I do agree with them but I'm gonna put them in my own words.

Restricting food, Fear of weight gain or becoming "fat", and having your self worth be heavily influenced by your weight or shape and wanting it always to be lower.

Asking what it does is kind of a complicated question, because it effects everyone in different ways, and you can't really say that all anorexics are a certain way. Not all anorexics are underweight, not all weigh themselves excessively, not all anorexics are othorexic, not all anorexics fast, so on and so forth.

If you're asking about it's potential health risks, it's basically everything. Low heart rate, heart failure, organ failure, osteopenia or osteoporosis (thinning of bones), anemia (low iron), muscle wasting, lanugo (the same hair babies have growing all over your body to keep you warm. i have it, it's really soft and tbh i dont mind it except for when i get goosebumps cause im cold and i have like over half an inch long hair standing straight up on my arms), low blood pressure, basically any stomach problem you can name, excessive tiredness, infertility, literally fucking brain damage, and ofc death.

Also we have either the first or second highest mortality rate of any mental illness, whether its the first or second nobody can agree on so idk.

How it works is also a tricky question, I'm not exactly sure how to answer that.

So a really interesting thing about Anorexia is no one knows what the fuck causes it. Some people believe that the extreme religious fasting that took place during the medieval times. This physician guy named Richard Morton wrote the first medical description of anorexia in 1689, but the term anorexia nervosa was first used in a paper published in 1873. It's also been called anorexia hysteria. I kinda like that better if it weren't for the unfortunate sexist mental health connotation hysteria has.

The kind of agreed upon thing is that anorexia comes from a desire of control, and that's related to trauma.

I agree with this, like my mom was definitely the cause of my anorexia. It's intertwined with my desire for control, because I can control my weight, and what I eat, and by that, it's like this satisfaction of kinda that I'm better than others because I have self control to not "give into" eating. It's also insanely connected to my desire for attention, because I see being sick as a pathway to being loved, and it's like, oh, if I loose enough weight, than I'll finally be sick, I'll finally have an opportunity to not need to be perfect and constantly doing things for others to be loved because if you're sick you automatically get loved. That desire for attention is also like, if I'm skinny and have self control people are gonna envy me which is like the ultimate form of attention.

UHHHH yeah I'll answer anymore questions but maybe send me them as another ask cause this is a LONG post and doesn't need a ton of reblogs.

[v1trum]

Lots of tw's.. also please read the entire post if you start reading it. Im not a bad person. This is a specific case and i KNOW this person and have talked this stuff over w ppl that also know him. He manipulated me into hating the ppl i know i love most (as friends) now and did a lot of fucked up shit a lot of which I'll list

Tws include : sh, severe mental illness, "kys" jokes (wasnt rly a joke), ed, trauma, etcetc

Im only saying this shit on here because literally no one knows who im talking about and never will. This is an irl person who doesn't even have Tumblr im pretty sure.. I'd prefer if you only read this if ur a moot or i follow u or vice versa pls 😭

Im gonna throw the imaginary fights i have in my head on here

all the same person cus they side eye me at school and ik damn well he's trying to get ppl to not like me but idc cus im in the right and i have proof 💋

Like i just KNOW he views me as childish n shit

Likr

childish?? ME?? You're the one that said my 7 year old brother should kill himself because he played the same roblox game as you..a 14yo... But, yes, im the childish one...

its a genuine scenario I can't get out of my head and i need to talk abt it

Contrary to what you think, i DO like you. I don't hate you because my online best friend expressed how HE doesn't like you... Its actually crazy that you came into my home for a complete weekend, were as EXTREMELY disrespectful as you were, we didn't say anything and then you're out here saying me and my entire family hate you... Like no babes my parents went out and bought food from the store that we never eat bc you would eat it... No babes, i made cookies from scratch bc cookies are one of the only things you'll eat... No babes, we didn't even comment on the fact that you had three sodas and had two sips out of each of them before you wasted them...

Your "eating disorder" is DEFINITELY fake, too. There might be part of it in there but wdym "my grandparents starve me" when you asked if you could have a random bag of chips and they immediately bought it for you? I fear you just need to tell them when a food is out? They both work a ton bc they had to take you in a few months ago I don't think they notice much when the pantry or fridge is running low. Wdym "ew i hate that" to every food in existence but you scarf up wretched school breakfast and lunch daily...? Again with "i shove it down my throat bc my grandparents starve me" are you forgetting how close we got so quickly? How ik you? You wouldn't eat 95% of that before you starved to death if it was at my house... But you're gonna eat it all up there.

Same with your "personality disorder".... Wdym we're in the middle of English and you go "bro i just spawned in. What am i wearing and why? Omggg why do i have sh on my arms???" Like be so fr rn. You aren't immune to being aware of PHYSICAL PAIN. And i get like.. having a different style but fym "why am i wearing this what is it" ..? (I have talked to a SYSTEM friend abt this and they can confirm its v fake seeming)

Its actually crazy when i didn't kick you out after you said that about my brother, you're actually insane. I get you have very recent trauma but holy hell refrain from making relationships if you're gonna fuck someone up.

You had your "friend" give me back my sweater bc you were too childish to do it yourself and look me in the eye. You moved seats without permission. You glare at me in the class where you can't move seats.

Also, that "friend".. you call her a slut and talk shit abt her to her face because she has HEALED sh scars. Then you walk around campus with gaping wounds acting like you're self conscious of it when you're actually begging for attention. This is NOT me saying ppl who sh are attention seekers btw.. i KNOW him and me and several other people agree he's doing it for attention. My friends have said they'd have relapsed after seeing them if it had been a bad time for them, thats how bad it was.

I genuinely hope he gets better bc he is fucked up in the head, however i also wish the best on his next victim of "we're friends". I hope they get away or meet him after he has gotten better.

To this guy - i hope you better yourself instead of trying to make yourself as bad as possible because you find comfort in that, or rot.

[stateswscarlet]

hi scarlet! it’s been a while since I’ve consumed lossumption content. i’ve been here for years, i got coaching from you at one point, read neville and edward but then I decided to leave Twitter and tumblr to focus on being mundane. i was going through a lot mentally and the pressure i put on myself to be perfect to returning to my state for my desire was too much.

i found God through christianity and no this isn’t a “i found god, I don’t believe in manifestation anymore” type of ask. i genuinely don’t know what to believe. shit, i actually admire god after learning about it during my time away but most of the time, deep in my mind (even this is against god) that… i want my desire. fr. i feel bad to pray to god for something materialistic but shit… i really wanna manifest money (50K has been my goal for YEARS now) like damn, do i follow this Christian god that’s outside of me or do i follow me?

i’m just so scared of continuing to be wasting time and seeking happiness from me, a place where law of assumption teaches you, only YOU as GOD can only give you. but if i’ve been giving myself happiness and fulfillment within since being a student of the law of assumption, then why have i always felt depressed?

you are the only person i feel comfortable with like fr, you are so sweet when we talked and ily fr. and if you’d like to move this conversation to Twitter DMs, let’s do it if you’re down. but idk i’ve had past religious trauma and wanted to know what words you have for me, and also if you ALSO struggled with religion, hopelessness, bein stuck, feeling fear of failing and all that stuff too? i know you have an ethnic background so i’m just wondering.

thank you for listening scar 🫶🏼

hi babe you can dm me on twitter/whatever platform we talked on (if you still have it) and if you don't just send me another ask letting me know and ill be more than happy to answer anything else i left out on this on here.

but what i would say is that you can still believe in an external god while also knowing that god is the one who has given you the power to decide what desires you want. your desires come FROM god, and you can believe that your god is the one orchestrating things in your favor. i don't think you need to give up on either or, and your desires are meant to be fulfilled. as long as you're not attempting to hurt someone, etc i feel like both can work together. :)

[motherhenna]

am I the only one who's starting to feel like self care culture and therapist speak has lowkey done some serious damage to a lot of mentally ill young people over the last 8 or so years? It's literally the perfect vehicle for justifying insanely unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions but I haven't heard anybody talking about it on here. Instead, I keep seeing posts that are like "be gentle with yourself: go at whatever pace is comfortable for you" and "it's okay to say no to things you don't want to do" but like...what if that thing you don't want to do is taking a shower or leaving the house or cooking your own meal at home? What if moving at a pace that is "comfortable" for you means you still haven't stopped smoking for the last decade because nicotine withdrawal and anxiety are not "comfortable"? And hey--at least you're only smoking ONE pack a day instead of two now, so that's almost as good as quitting entirely!

I'm saying all this as someone who is only just now coming out the other side and realizing how much of my late teens and twenties I've wasted because of my lack of accountability and aversion to the hard work that's necessary for recovery from addiction, eating disorders, and depression...and the whole time, I thought I was just practicing self care. But a lot of us should probably take a closer look at our behavior and ask ourselves, "is this really self care? Or is this just complacency, fear of failure, and denial?"

There's a word in addiction treatment that's used to describe family members, friends, or partners who give into their deeply disordered loved one's every demand--even when they know it's hurting them: enablers. I've seen a documentary of a 700 lb immobile man who was still managing to pile on weight because his wife went out every day and brought him every kind of junk food he asked for, all while claiming to love him more than anything else. But genuine, healthy love isn't watching your partner literally waste away before your eyes because you'd rather make him happy in the short-term: it's being fucking honest, and helping them get the assistance they need to get better even if you have to drag them kicking and screaming into rehab. And I'm of the belief that a lot of you out there end up confusing self-love / self-acceptance with self-enabling. One is easy while the other requires you to wake up and do the work every single day, even when it's ugly and messy and painful.

And listen--if your therapist has given you the full go-ahead to take the whole "gentle" route, or it's clearly working out really well for you, then by all means: keep at it. But more often than not, I think we need to stop wrapping ourselves in cotton. The way we treat ourselves should be how we'd ideally parent a child: obviously the overly harsh, critical, strict route rife with threats and punishment is a recipe for disaster, but the other extreme can be extremely damaging too. An overly compliant, indulgent parent who gives into their kid's every whim is likely going to produce selfish, entitled brats who have no concept that their actions have consequences. Neither approach is going to do their children many favors in the long run.

While I'm not fond of the boomer bootstrapping rhetoric, as I think a lot of it comes from an extremely skewed perspective of reality and the expectation that "if I can do it, everybody else should be able to do it just as easily", I also can no longer stand by the victimhood mentality so many fellow young millennials / gen z'ers seem to be living by. Because I spent the last ten years wallowing in it and all it gave me was lowered standards, a million excuses, self pity, and obesity. And it fucking sucks to confront the fact that you are ultimately the one who's responsible for your own behavior as an adult: it means you can't just blame it on society or your parents or your illness or whatever 'ism or 'phobia applies. Are all those things contributing factors that should be taken into account? Absolutely. Should you compare your progress to more privileged people's and feel shame that it's taking longer? No. But that doesn't mean you have no control of your life and choices--that you're powerless to do anything but wait for someone else to save you. Unless you're literally being held hostage at gunpoint, there are always things you can do to `improve your life and yourself. So next time you want to give up on a dream of yours, or justify not changing out of your pajamas for a fortnight in the name of self care, maybe ask yourself what an enabler would do vs. what a true friend would do

[mithliya]

Hey I don’t mean to dump but I just need to know it gets better. Please tell me it gets better. I’m a 25 year old disabled lesbian who’s never so much as even kissed anyone, or held hands. I’m isolated and basically trapped for a while and I have zero friends. I feel like I’m failing at life, failing miserably and I wish I was born a man because at least I’d have a shot at finding someone. Right now it feels like my chances of ever being happy with a girlfriend or wife is zero.

hey anon, sorry for my delayed response. i hope ur still checking my blog for an answer!!

it gets better. i do not know your life but let me tell you how mine changed. when i was a teenager, i was ready to die. i lost all my friends, i was in an abusive relationship that i could not escape, my life was basically just self-harm and mental illness and constant suffering. things did get better for me, but not magically. the relationship didn't end magically, the mental illness didn't end magically (still dealing with it today and suffer bc of it from time to time), i didn't magically gain friends. but what did change is i stopped giving up on myself and my life. i went to therapy, i got prescribed meds, i studied to graduate from high school and then my bachelor's, i learned how to make friends & i did not waste my time with friends that would make me feel worse. instead i looked for friends who i could support, who could support me back, and who would make me feel good when im with them. i also dealt with fears of being alone forever and never finding a gf then myself. since then ive had multiple gfs, dated multiple women, and now i have a wonderful gf for once!! i thought i'd be trapped in my country in the middle east and that id have no hope as a lesbian.. also not true. im currently in germany and able to be as openly a lesbian as i want.

nothing is absolute. you won't be able to magically cure your disability, but it's all possible. ive met and talked to women who made it out of some horrendous situations, far worse than mine and potentially far worse than yours too (cannot judge as i do not know your exact situation). you can do it too anon. fight for yourself, create a plan for your future and find a path for yourself. put yourself out there. if you're trapped currently, find a support system & community for yourself. if you cant find one in real life, perhaps you can find one online. you can do it and you can make it on the other side, and end up looking back in awe of how you managed. but it won't happen overnight nor will it happen magically. take the first step, whatever that may look like for you. start by finding a way to be less isolated, if its not possible irl do it online and take it from there.

[urlocalmentallyunstablegal]

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

[dogswest]

This is a very situational scenario. I think the target audience for this post are to people who are too stubborn to realize that if you depend on one person and they can't give back what you're putting in, its not because they don't want to, but rather they can't. So when they start talking again because things have gotten easier and better for them, you shouldn't just "stay mad" cuz u didn't get what you wanted. Rather, be thankful they're doing better and let them know their efforts of being a better didn't go to waste and give that mentally health awareness to those who aren't aware,

but often times, when you "let people back into your life", theres often a reason why they're out of your life rather than just an old friend who drifted away and disappeared. I strongly don't believe people should have or even feel obligated to simply not want that person in their life if they hurt them, even if the person has obviously shown to be better.

People cut individuals out of their lives, whether that individual have mental illness or not, because of their actions, morals, and/or personality that they just simply don't mesh with and mental illness doesn't excuse hurtful actions, morals or toxic traits; it's just simply a reason. Actions done still leave scars and people who still suffer after the actions or even still fear the possibility of it simply don't need to endure the mental stress of it possibly happening again.

If someone got better after leaving, that means they can begin to make new friends on their own or at least respect the fact that they hurt people and they won't get all of them back. Whole important part about growing is accepting change, and while I don't think it's bad to want to mesh again with old friends, it's not always gonna turn out that way if you hurt them and if you expect them to then you haven't really gotten better.

(my personal experience is below if you're interested in why I'm a firm believer of this, I also just like yappin about it)

If you don't agree, thats okay because it means you most likely are more forgiving and/or are more able to open yourself up to forgiveness, but I don't think that mindset should feel forced on others who also struggle with standing up for themselves.

TLDR: I agree to a degree, but think people are allowed to not want to get in contact with someone again if they hurt you, disappeared, got better and came back; mental issues or not.

A main reason why I'm a strong believer in this is because I was in all of these positions: I was the one who hurt people and came back, I was the one who was mentally unwell and disappeared and came back, I was the one who got hurt by someone and won't ever allow them back into my life, and I was the one who had a friend come back after being mentally unwell. I'll talk about these in order.

First incident was when I was the one who hurt people. I cheated on this girl about 6ish years ago, and after 2 years of intensive therapy, I became better and figured I should apologize. Needless to say, she was NOT happy, because I had really hurt her and her trust and what I stand for to her wasn't what she wanted or needed in her life again. I learned quickly that there was no coming back to that side of my life I used to have because I was a huge piece of shit, and I'm okay with that. I made a horrible mistake and I'm living the coniquences. I shouldn't want to change to get her back, but rather I have to get a better me because I'd feel better and won't hurt others to such an extreme ever again.

My second experience was me being the one who left and came back: 2 years ago I had stopped talking and hanging out with a lot of my friends because my stepfather had passed and I couldn't help but become aggressive around friends who I wasn't close enough with, so I simply just focused on myself and got a lot of help. By the next year I was able to talk to everyone again and they were understanding and loving. Unfortunately, not everyone will have this reaction to similar situations (which I believe is who this post is targetted towards), but it's far different from my prior incident, where I haven't talked to anyone from that part of my life since.

My brother is a prime example of why you don't have to accept people back into your life. After my stepfather and dog passed away, I was holding onto my dog's collar and my brother not only made fun of me, but--only 10 minutes after making fun of me--asked me "who fucks who" in my relationship (I'm gay). He'd done horrible shit before this too that made me already hate him: misogyny, racism, bigotry, he even voted for trump. But when he said that shit to me personally when I was at my lowest, thats when he stepped out of my life with no chance of return. 2 years later and my family begs me to forgive him and he's even "apologized", but I never want him back in my life ever again. He still has that same personality of the man who made me hate myself so much, and seeing him makes everything I worked in order get better fall apart and I'd relapse. It doesn't matter what he does anymore, he's never getting his "sister" back (yah hes transphobic too 😭)

My last situation is actually recent. One of my friends from highschool found out she was moving recently and anytime I'd ask to hang out with her, she'd say yes, but then the day of she'd say shes busy or couldn't when she had checked and saw that she'd be free. This happened 3 or 4 times and at one point I said "nvm just hang out whenever ur able to" and we just stopped talking. While I was really hurt by her taking her word back and what felt like ditching me, I eventually relaxed and remembered I was the sake way when I moved. After a few months, shes almost done moving and the date she said shes fully moved in is when my finals are over, so we plan to hang out. This is an example of someone just simply disappearing and coming back. Sure, I was valid for being upset, but shes valid for needing to step away cuz she has shit to do and not being in the best mindset to hang out with friends.

Figuring this stuff out took a lot of therapy, specially because reading the room is not my specialty and I tend to second guess my morals alot as I'm very aware of how blind one can be from a biased POV, so I become weary with my thoughts, but once I got my barrings in life, I got better and realized people benefit from hearing these things too. Since I started therapy, I got new friends, went to a new school and got better grades, got a life long partner (who I'm still with today), got my own car, etc etc and these experiences showed me how to be better, more honest, assertive and understanding which baught me to that point.

I think one of the kindest things you can do for people with various mental health struggles is just... let people back into your life after they've been absent for a while.

Making friends as an adult is so fucking hard already and isolating yourself from other people is a very common symptom of depression, anxiety, burnout, ocd, trauma, grief, etc. Which means that someone will do the hard work of recovery/healing and resurface back into a world where their previous friends have written them off because they stopped showing up.

So if you know someone where you're like "yeah we could have been better friends but they fell off the map a bit" and that person suddenly reaches out, or starts showing up to events even though you kind of forgot they were still in the group chat... well they may have been Going Through It and you don't actually have to punish them for their absence you can just be glad that they're back.