#is it intrusive thoughts?? am i overreacting?

[hymenoptera07]

ok uh?? now i feel weird?? i was looking up some stuff and i think i went to deep into a rabbit hole and i feel . numb. are normal people supposed to get stuff like this and identity issues when searching up plural related stuff?? i dont wanna think about this i can't be plural i dont feel anyone else in there it's just kinning. dgdgjsg??/?

i alreayd had amoment like this already. it wasnt as bad but??? jdhjfdhk??? people are gonna see this i just want to figutre out What's Going On .

sorry jimtim ik some of you guys are gonna see this excuse the little breakdown . idfk dude

[fukozawa]

Pmdd be hitting today folks

[kermits-cup-of-tea]

question for able-bodied and disabled people:

do you guys dream about having a limb amputated after it's been hurting for a while?

i ask because i've been dealing with 10+ years of chronic pain in my lower leg due to injuries and surgeries-gone-bad and i am so done with dealing with the pain and lack of mobility and losing parts of myself, but everyone in my life that i talk to about it tells me thats an overreaction and last resort and like. yes it is but, i feel like i'm at a level of pain and quality of life that last resort is all i have left. but i want to know if that desire is something i should ignore, like an intrusive thought, or if its a choice that should be on the table

[the-ellia-west]

Merry Christmas Everyone - Character Trauma

Sorry, Y'all. I'm a day late.

I wish I could have posted yesterday but this wasn't on my mind at all lol. I was very sick yesterday, but at least I'm alive!

Here's my Christmas gift to y'all!

Harsh characters vs Kinder Characters - These are general vibes --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kind/Cute Characters -

Constantly Apologizing

Trying to help people 24/7

Always worried about Disappointing people

Constantly avoiding answering questions

Lying about being okay

Blaming themselves

Always Guilty

Jumpy

Always inches away from crying

Always doing favors for others

Doesn't take care of themselves

If they do, it's only to keep other people from getting worried

Running away from problems

Constantly overreacting to minor inconveniences

Harsh/Reserved characters -

Violent outbursts

TRUST ISSUES

No emotions

What am I?

Breakdowns

Silence makes them irritable

Too much noise also makes them irritable

Hyper-activated Emotions

Emotionally or Physically abusing self on a bad day because it already sucked

Violent intrusive thoughts or words become normal

Pessimism

Constantly overly alert

NO RELAXATION

Trouble relating to anyone in any sort of way

Extra: Dreams

PTSD dreams are usually never anywhere close to the actual events

Flashbacks usually happen when awake

Often dreams are based on the type of trauma

Soldiers are more likely to see blood in dreams

Sexual abuse survivors are more likely to have people attacking or violating them in dreams

Physical abuse survivors are more likely to have loud sounds and other events related to their abuse in their dreams

Of course none of these are specific to each type, and you SHOULD mix and match, but these are generally more likely

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Different people have different trauma reactions, and so should characters. This sounds pretty obvious, but it's rather hard to do in my experience. It also goes to show that different types of trauma or traumatic events will make a different type of character

For example, I have a few of my characters and their trauma responses because Idk how else to explain it.

Character 1 - Marril - Experienced Physical and Emotional abuse, as well as witnessing several deaths and killing several people.

As a Child he used to be very exposed and unable to hide with short hair and a home that was generally very safe and quiet until it wasn't.

He has a tendency to break or destroy things out of resentment or just as a way to make himself feel better. He also generally obsesses over keeping things clean, because it usually meant better treatment at home. He also generally stays away from children because they remind him of the first person he killed. He also sometimes hallucinates blood on his hands, and isolates himself for fear of hurting them. He hides his emotions until he can't anymore and generally has very extreme negative emotions.

He is often mistaken to be much older than he actually is, and is generally very quiet. He also grows out his hair to distance himself from his past and to give himself an easy hiding place when he needs it. He hates people grabbing him, moving quickly, or touching his hair, and sometimes he will hurt or yell at people when even slightly provoked. Silence often triggers overthinking which brings guilt and bad memories, while sudden loud noises cause screaming, fight or flight, or even flashbacks.

Characters 2 & 3 - The Twins, Xhaazi and Kasi - Experienced emotional and Sexual abuse

The two of them have varied Emotional responses. Kasi tends to hide her emotions and act overly aggressive or overly friendly. She tends to be very tense and in many occasions, fight first ask questions later. She cannot tolerate being alone oftentimes and is sometimes clingy. She hates being restrained in any way and is prone to panic attacks and separation anxiety

She's generally a little reserved but becomes a little clingy when she finds people she likes. She is also over-apologetic and tends to cry around people she trusts for no reason. She always has nightmares and tends to enjoy loud noises because they distract her from her overthinking and anxiety.

While on the other hand, her Brother Xhaazi

He was the one who got it worse. He often injures himself when he's alone, hides his emotions extremely well, and tends to enjoy being alone or in silence. His tactics also amount to fight first ask questions later, but he is always in fight or flight mode and never trusts anyone unless given a good reason.

He tends to get very clingy to those he trusts and hates loud noises. He also tends to have a lot more nightmares than his sister and tends to cover up every single emotion he's feeling unless he thinks people will like it. He has depression and a lack of self-preservation along with extreme separation anxiety for his family and no one else when he can't easily get back to them.

So uh... Yeah? Have fun torturing your babies! Just make sure to differ their trauma from one another even if they experienced roughly the same things.

[emmaelt]

On being diagnosd with AUDHD

It’s so unbelievable. I’m learning so much about myself this year, I keep joking I’m having an ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ year but it’s just ‘Body, Brain’. Maybe there's another B I'll find before the year is out.

With perspective, I don’t think I’ve really ever had depression - the only antidepressant I’ve tried is one that works best for ADHD people and now I know that that’s me it makes sense! - I think I’ve had meltdowns, burnout, and sensory issues the entire time? And I just always (tried to) push through and do my best but it’s never really gotten any better for me and my brain.

But now it’s like my entire life has been foggy and blurry and I’ve got glasses! Like my mum's story about getting glasses as a child and realising the trees have leaves from far away, or looking up and seeing actual stars. I feel like that’s what Adderal has done to me this week. But not just with being able to finally have a singular thought, but also in terms of day to day stuff that used to be actually painful for me.

I can put my clothes away now without crying first? And I still get sensory issues with stacking the dishwasher, but I don’t need to like psyche myself up for it as much. I’m not constantly narrating my own actions or having like an internal debate about every single fucking thing I have to do? The Autism stuff is still there - I’m reading this really fascinating book called ‘Unmasking Autism’ by Dr Devon Price that's really fucking me up (in a good way). But now that I know why I find things difficult, I can ask for things I need. I'm beginning to understand my own needs after supressing them for so long.

I went to the hygienist earlier in the month, and for the first time in my entire life I did not cry in my car from overstimulation after because I wore earplugs and had my noise cancelling headphones? And when I booked my haircut (first in over a year!) I told them I’d get overwhelmed and I don’t like wet hair on my neck and I’d wear headphones/earplugs, and the lovely person said if it was too loud they’d do it upstairs where it was much quieter! Who knew that I could ask for things I need, and most people would accomodate me?

I also am starting to let people know when I’m talking to them that I’m audhd and they seem to like me more? I don’t know, that one’s hard to explain, but the book I mentioned says that phenomenon is backed by experiments and research?

My brain is just 100 miles an hour but all going in the same direction now instead of bouncing about in a chamber like atoms or something. I can follow one cohesive thought from the moment I have it. Difficult (bad/negative/troubling/intrusive) thoughts are harder right now, because I can't distract myself from them as well.

So far on the meds - I know that my body always overreacts to meds/is more sensitive, so we started at a really low dose and even so, wow. I was more productive on Sunday afternoon (first dose at 6am that day) than I had been for the entirety of October. I currently have 0 unread emails and it’s revolutionary for me. My husband actually made me take a break because he didn’t want me to burn out, but even so I went to bed 4 hours later than normal… getting maybe 7 hours of sleep from my usual 10 I require is quite a difference for me - and I woke up at 5am Monday ready to go? Who is she?!?!

My brother said he feels that starting meds later in life compounded its positive impacts, as he developed so many coping mechanisms he wound't have otherwise. He said it was like going from 85% effective (70% base + 15% coping mechanisms) to 115%.

I’m so glad he feels that way, but I think maybe he has much lower support needs than I do, maybe because I’m both autistic and ADHD? I would have taken this medication over all of my struggling to learn how to barely manage (not thrive, I feel) any day. I feel like I’ve only ever had maybe 40% effectiveness, even with coping mechanisms. Even with being from an extremely privileged background, being highly educated, and really fucking smart.

How are other people without those things expected to manage?! None of my friends are even able to be seen on the NHS, as their GP's won't even refer them. I’m trying to not feel really devastatingly bad that I’m having such a different experience than them.

I was fortunate enought to have a parent who was proactive, she took me to like a new child psychologist or educational therapist every year when I was at primary school. They diagnosed me with dyslexia, but actually I’m hyperlexic. I eventually got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I got medicated. But it never got better.

It took me 10 different private attempts (8 before I turned 18, 2 since), and the Doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said I was ‘very clearly over the line for both inattentive and hyperactivity’. I’m really struggling with that because… I’ve got better coping mechanisms now? How could they not tell???? Well, they didn't acknowledge you could be both autistic and adhd until 2013 or something ridiculous, and girls were so rarely diagnosed with autism in the 2000's - so it makes sense I went undiagnosed. I’m really frustrated for my mum, because she spent so much time and effort trying to help me. But there was genuinely nothing she could have done.

Having context for my experiences along with this medication has been life altering... I feel I’ve unlocked my brain’s actual potential and I’m so devastated for past me that I wasn’t able to make the most of my younger years to be this version of me. I found everything so hard for so long... it's going to be really interesting to see what my life looks like from now on.

[corazondefae]

9-18-24: Processing

I got vaxxed twice today! Woo!

It was my first time ever getting the flu vaccine and I got the new COVID vaccine as well! I'm both hoping I have side effects so I can call out tomorrow and hoping I don't so I don't have to call out tomorrow because I need money...

I had therapy earlier today and it really got me thinking about how much my mental health truly affects my every day life.

My nervous system is trying to heal itself. I'm no longer in an environment where I have to be on edge 24/7. I'm not going into details but a year ago I experienced something very traumatic. I witnessed violence within my family and I had to keep it together as there were young kids in the house at the time.

This experience truly shattered my world. Even now, I don't know how I got through it and I'm still processing everything that happened. I took two days off of work and then went back. Sure, I was depressed and everybody could see, but I was working to distract myself from my terrible home life. Now that I've moved out with my husband I'm learning how to live instead of survive.

I'm in the process of getting an official PTSD diagnosis, which is wild to say. I always felt like I never went through "enough trauma" (whatever that means) in order to officially be diagnosed. Yes, I've experienced traumatic events in my life, but surely that doesn't mean I have PTSD...right? (Wrong!)

I'm also processing my feelings towards referring to myself as disabled. Physically, I'm mostly fine. However, my mental health really does affect my every day life and I never noticed it until recently.

My mental health has greatly impacted my nervous system, daily functioning, relationships with others, and ability to do essential tasks such as showering, going to work, completing my associate's, taking care of myself.

---

Lets go through some things my mental illnesses do for me, shall we?:

OCD - Makes me anxious every waking moment due to constant intrusive thoughts, avoidance of certain places or actions (ex: eating) due to fear of my intrusive thoughts becoming reality, avoidance of loved ones if they are dealing with something that triggers my OCD, spending up to hours cleaning and washing anything I've deemed "contaminated" (especially my hands), constant reassurance-seeking in intentional and unintentional ways all the time, a few times I've started spiraling and almost started to believe I was hallucinating an entirely different reality to the "real" one

PTSD - Anxiety in my home to the point I was taking Melatonin every night so I could leave as soon as possible in the morning, constantly being on edge to the point where the TV being too loud made me drop everything so I could check it was just the TV and not people screaming at each other, remembering traumatic situations so many times, actively triggers my OCD as well so I have obsessions related to my trauma, too anxious to do tasks even in a safe environment because I'm afraid that one day something terrible will happen which leaves me depressed as well, constant stress since the situation was never resolved, constant guilt, I still shake and my voice wavers when I talk about it

PMDD - THE IRRITABILITY AND RAGE OH MY!, constantly talking myself off the edge while in the middle of my workday, work ethic goes down significantly due to how miserable I feel, short but terrible depressive episodes starting around two weeks before my cycle, getting angry at others for no reason to the point I can't recognize myself sometimes (luckily I'm pretty good at keeping the anger in), not having motivation to do anything, have to leave work early sometimes which has wrecked my PTO

---

I think I needed to write that down so I don't feel like I'm overreacting. My pain is valid. My mental pain is valid. And it would still be valid if it didn't significantly alter my life.

I'm doing all that I can to be better. I am so much better than I was and I want to be better than I am now. But I need to allow myself to wallow in my pain as well. I cannot let it consume me but I cannot cage it either. I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

---

Other than that, today has been less productive than I wanted it to be! I still need to go grocery shopping. Too late to do that today :(

I tried doing my nails today but I tried a new method and it did NOT work out well! I'll try again on my next day off.

I leave you all with my latest obsession: Sabrina Carpenter

[multiplicity-positivity]

HI i'm so sorry if this ask is a mess but um! I recently discovered I might be a subsystem host (ON TOP of being the regular system host which I'm fine with I found that out like almost two years ago and I'm basically cool with that now), and I've been kind of freaking out about it since okay! Okay! There's a layer of complexity basically right underneath my nose! How am I supposed to handle this?

Even worse is the intrusive thoughts of "I want to lock this stuff away and NOT deal with this" but I know that's like. Really bad and not conducive to recovery as well as being extremely unfair since the people in the subsystem have the right to exist and live life.

And like. I know that once I just accept this and learn how to communicate with the possible people in the subsystem, it'll be relatively okay I think. The problems are just: How do I communicate with people in the subsystem or know who's in it and how do I get rid of the thoughts of wanting to run away as fast as I can because I KNOW those thoughts are unfair but it feels like instinct to want to run or repress even though I would never act on that.

I think the first step might be to at least make the folder on our SimplyPlural for the possible subsystem. But even just that feels so overwhelming, especially with the fear that I'm wrong and overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.

Anyways! Sorry this ask was a mess, and thank you for even just reading my messy thoughts; advice is appreciated, but you don't need to reply if you don't feel comfortable.

hey, we’re sorry to hear you’re having trouble making sense of this complicated situation. we also have a subsystem, and for the subsystem host (main fronter?) it’s been a bit of a messy, confusing, sometimes frustrating journey.

as per usual, if you’re not in therapy and are still quite distressed by this, finding a therapist could be a great way to get an expert opinion and generally just talk things through/vent about your feelings in a safe space. therapy has been super helpful for our whole system, including our subsystem. they still have a long ways to go in terms of lowering barriers between each other/building communication, but therapy has helped them achieve the progress they’ve made so far. we know not everyone wants/can access therapy, but we feel it’s worth suggesting.

outside of that, to us it sounds like you’re on the right track. good things can come from fighting those knee-jerk reactions of “i’ve gotta bury this/push this down/ignore this” and taking baby steps to get to know your subsystem. making simplyplural entries for your subsystem’s members (or potential members) sounds like a great idea.

when it comes to how to fight those thoughts of wanting to hide/flee from this… we’d recommend allowing yourself to think your thoughts, to feel the emotions that come with them fully, and just sit with it a while, without acting. it can be hard to control or change emotions and thought patterns; we’ve found that for us, instead of attempting to control our thoughts, trying to control our reactions to those thoughts can be much more productive.

you don’t have to (and honestly shouldn’t!) push yourself here. when you’re feeling lost, scared, and overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a step back or avoid thinking about your subsystem-mates for a while. slow and steady wins the race, and the more you prioritize your own health and safety, the better things could turn out for your whole system and subsystem. when you’re feeling up to it, our post on establishing contact with headmates might help you reach out to the members of your subsystem.

if it turns out you’re wrong, overreacting, or misinterpreting something… that’s okay too. you’re not doing anything harmful to yourself by trying to explore this aspect of yourself and your system. if you find out you’re not actually a subsystem, we promise that’s okay. the work you’ve done to try and get to know yourself is still important, and you’re still valued and important as you are. people are wrong about aspects of their own identities all the time - it’s part of learning, growing, and discovering ourselves.

we hope this response can (at least somewhat) put your mind at ease and help you come to a bit more of an understanding about yourself and your subsystem. if not, we’re sorry we couldn’t have been of more assistance. we’re wishing you hope, understanding, and inner peace as you walk this path. thanks for reaching out, and best of luck to you!

[pokichusramblings]

Hi, it’s disability pride month and I would like to talk about the things I struggle with, that I believe are related to OCD and OCPD, both disorders I’ve been diagnosed with.

I believe that I am undiagnosed with autism and/or ADHD, I have a psychology appointment in august about it.

But regardless, this stuff is about the OCD/OCPD

Speaking of that, I am obsessed with symmetry. If I accidentally hit something with one hand, I have to hit the thing with the other hand. If I hear a horrid noise on one side, I have to hear an equally horrid noise on the other side. It’s awful.

I suffer from intrusive thoughts. The most disruptive of mine are the judgmental ones about other people. But I also get intrusive thoughts about me being a bad person, bad friend, bad girlfriend, etc. I get intrusive thoughts that suggest that I do bad things, like lying and stealing. I get intrusive thoughts.

I have awful imposter syndrome. I believe that I’m faking my struggles, that I’m only pretending to love my friends and family, that I clearly can’t be as good a person as people think I am, and that I (somehow) fake my creativity. All these thoughts weigh on me and I constantly feel awful. Logically, I know I’m not a bad person. But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like a liar, a cheater, and a horrible person all around.

I make instant judgements about people that often don’t make sense. If someone talks a certain way, I subconsciously assume they’re stupid. If someone looks a certain way, I assume they’re going to be mean. I know these things aren’t true and I am nice to everyone despite these judgements, but sometimes I need to avoid certain people because I am scared that I’ll accidentally say something awful to them.

I am a perfectionist. Everything I do, everything I make, everything I say MUST be perfect. I have to be perfect. If I’m not perfect I an horrible and a failure. The worst part is that I don’t only hold myself to these standards, I subconsciously judge everything that everyone does. I only outwardly hold myself to these though, I never voice my judgements to other people unless they’re about myself.

I obsess over things. A lot. Many of my obsessions are negative, but some of them are surprisingly positive.

I physically cannot ignore things that bother me.

I have a useless order which I NEED to do things in. It’s too complicated for me to explain properly, to be honest. It involves math and can be frustrating, but unless I have an immediate deadline I cannot act outside of that order.

I have to take an even amount of steps on each surface I walk on, and take an even amount of bites of whatever I eat.

My lucky number is 6, and sometimes I have to do something either six times or a multiple of six (for example, sometimes even bites isn’t enough and the amount of bites I take MUST be a multiple of six.)

It is difficult for me to 100% focus on things, because my brain moves too fast and latches on to random things.

I struggle to manage my emotions. Often I “overreact” to stressful things because I can’t handle them.

I used to have panic attacks, but since starting my medications they have stopped completely

I still have random physical symptoms that usually came with panic attacks. Sometimes my resting heart rate spikes, or I feel like I can’t breathe for no discernable reason.

…

To end on a hopeful note, there are many tools I use that help me manage these disorders.

Of course, medications exist. I take Lexapro and Clonidine. The Lexapro helps me calm down easier and raises my “panic threshold.” The Clonidine helps lower my heart rate, helping me feel more calm.

I know the people that can help me when I get anxious, and they are quick to respond when they know I need their help.

My girlfriend and I know each other’s tells and symptoms, so they are equipped to help me when I am stressing out.

I also know that distracting me is one of the best ways to turn off “panic mode.”

I keep some sort of fidget on me at all times, and in my room and office spaces I have many easy-to-reach fidgets and stim toys.

I have taught myself how to recognize OCPD thought patterns, and if I am having so many at once I will give myself some alone time to sort them out.

If I notice myself picking at a particular spot, I will put a bandaid on it so I can’t pick at it any more.

If I have significant control over a space, I will try to make it purposefully asymmetrical so I don’t try to obsess over the impossible “perfect symmetry.”

Sometimes I will stretch to reset my thoughts and body.

I know certain breathing techniques that help a lot more than you’d think they would.

I have big, meaningful stuffed animals that I can cuddle to calm myself.

I have taught myself to tell the people I live with when I’m having an episode. Sometimes it’s hard but it makes my life significantly easier.

I remind the people I love constantly that I do love them. It helps ease my conscious, and it makes them happy. Making them happy makes me happy.

To anyone else who struggles with similar disorders or relates to the symptoms I’ve shared, know that help is available and I am proof of that. Sufferers of anxiety and/or personality disorders may never be “normal,” but they can be happy. You can make your life easier even without medication. Things will get better, but only if you make an effort on your end to try.

Love you all.

[thorninyourpaw]

if you’ve been thin your entire life you have absolutely no space to think a fat person is overreacting for how they feel the world thinks of them.

being fat is honestly traumatising you are seen as so much of a lesser person and you have to try so much harder than everyone else just to have a base level of respect. you’re hidden and ridiculed and haunted and fucked in the dark.

all that occupies you are thoughts of “how can i adjust my posture to look thinner? am i allowed to relax around them or will i be too ugly when i’m not posed for them to like me? am i allowed to ever be out of breath or do i have to choke on my own gasps in fear of being seen as disgustingly unfit despite the fact i carry around twice as much as you could hold every day of my life? how can i make myself look fuckable? how low do i have to stoop for someone to be nice to me?

how much more work do i have to put in to be equal to everyone else? where do i walk on the bridge or wooden floor to make the least amount of noise possible? is he caring, or obsessed with keeping me around so he can feel better about himself? what do i order to make people respect my choices and hold off the ridicule of eating lunch around someone else? am i ever allowed to feel hunger? will a doctor ever listen to a single concern i have in my entire life? can we turn off the lights so you don’t leave me when i take off my pants? am i allowed to not be an easy fuck? am i allowed to buy anything full fat? am i allowed to be offended by fat jokes, or will i be a wet blanket and tossed aside? what do i have to put up with to have a friend? am i ever allowed to not be fully put together? am i ever allowed to dress casually without being called a slob? am i allowed in any public places that aren’t the most casual thing ever? can i ever be in a store selling clothes for over $30 without feeling. shameful and intrusive? she’s half my size, of course he left me for her. am i allowed to be offended by strangers telling me i don’t deserve to be alive? she’s half my size, of course they cheated. he has a shit ton of friends, of course we can’t date publicly. of course i have to accept that if i post myself or go out anywhere that random people will tell me i’m going to die before 30 of a heart attack and that i’m the laziest most disgusting person to ever live. i can’t wear this colour that i adore because 6 years ago someone said it makes me look fatter. if i’m not sexual if i’m not fuckable enough i’m nothing but a miserable jester playing a show for everyone so they don’t get bored and leave. i’m the funny fat friend. lipstick on a pig. i can’t cut my hair because i’ll look grotesque with my side profile in full view. if i have a stain on my shirt i’m a gluttonous monster.

is he kind, or is it yet another man fetishising my pain again?

how much do i have to break my body to stop being considered lazy just because i’m larger? how much do i have to run to outrun all the pain? how far do i have to push myself to be thanked for my “minimal efforts”? can i risk laying down on my back to be comfortable? am i allowed to take up the space i need? can i sit at a friend’s family dinner table and eat without crying after? can i risk letting my real smile out or does it make my face look too fat?

are they staring because they think i’m pretty or because they want me dead for existing?

will i ever get a break?

will i ever be loved unconditionally?

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

Rea I just wanna say to take care <3

If you see that you're starting to get too upset remember to take a rest.

Anyway, I hope you're having a great day besides the obvious annoying thing going on.

Over here is really cloudy and really hot. It has been really hot for ages and I hate it. I hope you're doing better over there.

Have a butterfly :3

Thank you!

I admit, I get caught up in these due to my mental health issues, and I am trying to distance myself- I overreacted a lot due to my intrusive thoughts flaring up really badly and I appreciate the kindness 💚

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW // derealization/dissociation. Also maybe maladaptive daydreaming? Idk if it counts.

Hi, my name is Travis. I'm mostly just here because I don't really know anyone irl who will listen, so I was hoping I could find someone here. Also, if any of this is normal and I'm just overreacting, please let me know.

I am in a constant state of being disconnected from everything. I don't know when it started, or exactly why, but everything always feels empty. Other people just feel like mannequins/npcs, and the world itself just feels like checkpoints and not real places. It feels like the only real thing is me, and it's gotten so bad that I even feel disconnected from my emotions. I have to actively and consciously acknowledge my surroundings to snap out of it, but once I stop I immediately go back to not viewing as real.

It's like I'm living in a shell 24/7, and whenever something punctures that shell, like my emotions or the realization that other things are real, I hardly know how to cope. It usually results in me trying to disconnect myself from reality again by drowning my thoughts in fiction, or I end up lashing out. I think it also might be affecting my empathy/ sympathy, given that I hardly experience either, at least based on the definitions I've been given.

Most of the time my mind is completely preoccupied with fantasy stories I've made up, or it's preoccupied with ways I can engage with those stories (the reason I'm hesitant to call this maladaptive daydreaming is because I'm almost never in these stories, it's just fictional characters) I can hardly focus most of the time because of it.

Again, I don't know when or why these things started, but it's become such a prevalent part of my life that lacking these things feels terrifying.

Hi Travis,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through.

Please know you're not alone. A few years ago I could relate almost entirely to this. I just felt fake and that everything around me was fake, and it just felt like I was dreaming most of the time. It can be frightening and disorienting to live with this kind of dissociation.

I found this resource you may find useful on how to deal with depersonalization. Some things it recommends is to acknowledge your feelings using self-compassion exercises, take deep breaths and practice mindful breathing exercises, listen to music or read a book, challenge any intrusive thoughts using psychological distancing, call a friend, seek talk therapy, read up on the effects of depersonalization, make sure you're getting adequate sleep, practice meditation, or exercise. Of course some of these may only offer temporary relief, but they could be helpful in learning to manage and cope with these symptoms.

If you can access and afford it, and if you don't have it already, I recommend looking into getting a therapist. A mental health professional could help not only assess the level of dissociation you're experiencing but help you cope with it with the guidance of an expert. It may be especially important to get in touch with a professional in case this dissociation leads to a complete disconnect from reality.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[flapperwitch]

Hey, hope youre doing good. Ive followed you for a bit and i know youve spoken before about living with endo and chronic pain. For the past 6 months ive been dealing with a shit ton of pain, cramping and i just had a cramp tonight that was super scary. Got super sweaty, shaking and such. Theyre still trying to diagnose me but my gyno doctor thinks its endo. Just wondering if youd feel comfortable sharing your story and such, 100% understand if you would rather not and i hope this isnt an invasive ask. Im just feeling very isolated and alienated with this pain. Thanks for taking the time to read this and i hope youre doing well!

Hi! This is not intrusive at all, and I'm sorry for not answering this sooner. Life is very weird.

I'm so sorry that you feel isolated but I completely understand why you do. You're in bed, in pain or asleep, so often. No one can see the agony your body is feeling. More than anything I want you to know that you're not overreacting. You're not crazy, you're not weak. I've passed out from pain before. It's no joke. The short version of my story is that like most others, it took years for me to get a diagnosis. And I wasn't hiding anything. Doctors thought my fatigue and pain was being exaggerated by my depression, but in reality I was depressed because I was so sore and tired and couldn't figure out why. Therapy and meds weren't doing anything. One time a nurse practioner told me that even though I tested negative for a UTI and even though I didn't have any of the symptoms, that had to be what my problem was. She gave me antibiotics and sent me home. Another time I was telling my then OBGYN that I was always tired and in so much pain and asked if there was anything else we could do and he smiled and said "Nope!" Mother fucker smiled at me and my pain. It wasn't until I sat for hours in an emergency room (because the hospital near me wouldn't let me admit myself or see a doctor right away) that my dad called me and convinced me to go home, told me he believed me, and that we'd figure it out together. I then went to see a colleague of my OBGYN and right away she knew that something was wrong. She did go on to say she thought I had endo, and we set up surgery. But the way she presented it, endometriosis was a blip, a pain that could be fixed with surgery, and then cured. It wasn't until after and I continued to do my own research that I learned it was a lifetime diagnosis.

Invisible illnesses suck. No one can see just how shitty you feel. And when you feel shitty and tired, you can't see people as much, so you end up spending so much of your time alone in bed with your heating pad and pain meds. Luckily se live in the age of the internet. Find online communities. I personally am in two endometriosis groups on Facebook, one is support, one is all jokes and memes. It's great when you can joke with people experiencing the exact same thing. Also make more plans virtual. I love doing virtual movie nights with friends, and you can screenshare through hyperbeam or discord. Also, treat yo self. Some days when I feel my internal organs being glued together by this dumb disease, I make myself toast with cookie butter and a banana and pour myself a cup of milk, and just that simple meal makes me feel better for a bit.

Always feel free to come ask me about endo and chronic pain. Chronic illness survivors gotta look out for each other 💜 You got this

[marlasomething]

This is a personal rant but...I just need to get it out of my chest somewhere: I have micro-anxiety attacks and depressive episodes like, daily. I am GREAT at handling then (except when I stop being so and I get into a self-isolating terrible space, or get extremely hammered in a bad way, or lose a whole day without doing anything useful, or go back to my...eating issues), or, better said, I am great at hiding them and keeping them inside, simply hurting me but without real-life implications.

Well, yesterday I had a silly argument with my mother. Nothing major, but right afterwards Depression decided it was the best moment to attack, and Mister Anxiety had the same thought! So...I basically blanked out while still conscious in front of my father (my mother had stayed in the kitchen) while slightly hyperventilating and twitching my lip as if about to cry; and, here is the thing, my father knows I have these mental issues, but he only sees the adulterated sugar-coded manufactured version of them I put on display and yesterday, for the first time, saw their truest form.

Not a major episode, when does come nobody can stop them (and he kinds of think I over-do, by the way), but the tiny yet very disturbing to watch ones and...he snapped at me. He snapped because obviously I was simply overreacting about my argument with my mother and nothing I said made him understand this had nothing to with her (not per se, at least) and he...I was going to explain and he...he left the room.

And it hit me, something I had already kind of known but wanted to think it was simply in my head, some extra intrusive thoughts: as much as he loves me and wants to support me, he doesn't really can handle really broken me. So this facade I put on every single day, partly so I can carry on with my shitty good-for-nothing life and partly not to be a bother...I do really need to keep putting for both those reasons.

It fucking sucks.

[semimedieval]

the gang reacts to: jojo's bizarre adventure part 1 phantom blood but make it stupider

this is a joke lupus has no dio in him no dio at all. he is at most a jotaro but not even really that either. and obsidian is too skinny to be any jojo character at all. maybe he could cut it in part four or five but other than that. okay anyway-

we begin like this. which would be yaoi if it wasn't just straight up silly. <- a thing that could be said about jojos bizarre adventure phantom blood.

Obsidian trudged through the grass. Sometimes, Lupus could be a bossy flirty show-off. Lupus trudged down the path. Sometimes Obsidian could be an emotional, overreacting, oddball. (XD)

while the boys are busy fighting, jack accidentally spawns the entire concept of the fields of aphelie, which i really had confidently thought i invented out of wholecloth for the roleplay.

[Spark] reached out to touch a blooming flower, it's leaves so golden it seemed to glow. It snapped at her finger and out of surprise she set it on fire. The ashes fell to her hands. "Odd flora in these parts," Lupus remarked.

but lupus isn't allowed to talk about FLOWERS, he's got sins to atone for. we cut to him and ky.

Ky nodded "Strange." then, more quietly she whispered to Lupus. Could I talk to you? Alone? "No problem," he replied. When they were alone, he asked, with only a slight trace of bitterness, "Here to tell me off?" "No Lupus." she said evenly. "It's about when you threw that snowball at Obsidian. I know it was just a joke, but afterwards you got this terrible expresion in your eyes. It was frightening and it scared me. "fear still lingered in her gaze. "Are you okay?" "Uh... yeah...?" he asked. "I'm fine, Ky." But he wasn't so sure himself. He knew it'd be so easy to get people to do what he wanted. Obsidian and Tozi both had an obvious weakness, they'd do anything for the sake of Chuji. Quartz would come running for anything. Spark was fiercely loyal to all her friends, and, consequentially, would do anything to save them. Ky pushed the thought to the back of her mind. "Sorry, must have been a trick of the light." She extended her hand for him to hold. He took it. His mind was full of various scraps of thoughts (lol what?). It was so easy. With the right words and mix of emotions, he could get most of them to do anything they wanted to. He couldn't help searching for weaknesses, everywhere. But it was all just thoughts, he added. It wasn't like he wanted to manipulate and overthrow people. Why'd he want to do that?

This is fucking GOOFY. Lupus and Obsidian are having a bitch of a time with the intrusive thoughts lately. Also Lupus you are not as good at seeing ways to manipulate and exploit your friends' weaknesses as your insecurities are clearly telling you you are, given that the only people you come up with genuine weaknesses for are Obsidian and Tozi. Also Tozi is ALREADY DEAD, fuck would you do to him? I'm not impressed.

He is not a Machiavellian genius, he's a flawed human sixteen year old boy who is having "Am I evil?" thought experiments over his father. And also doesn't like Obsidian for reasons that are not explained outside of "conflicting personalities." I think it's out of character for the Lupus of 2.0 and the Leander of 3.0 to not be immediately kind of worried when Ky suspects him of Hidden Long-Buried Evil. But jury's out.

I'll be real: Obsidian having A Rivalry with both tozi and rim just makes him look like a complete buzzkill. And speaking of Tozi -

"Ugh." Chuji yelled sarcastically James, let me show you how to cook... She grabbed his arm and walked back to the fire. "You show him, Chuji!" Quartz yelled enthusiastically. Tozi laughed. "I remember when she did that to me, It was with a mushroom. She was a grander cook than I. 'We were lost in the woods,' Is what we said, making it a game." Obsidian smiled. "A mushroom? What did you do to it?" "It melted! "He burst out happily, he then looked at Chuji, blushing. "I nearly got my first kiss that day...." "I see," said Obsidian, neither coldly nor happily. He had been practicing his 'neutral look' lately. "The first time I tried to make toast, Quartz chased me out of the house with a big stick." "I gotta go, the wind's wanting me back. Bye," he then was swooped up and blown into a small still cloud "Bye," said Obsidian, wondering if Tozi's departure was only due to wind. He began to set the makeshift table.

"I see" is a pretty great response to this all things considered. Ghost Tozi reminds me of those deranged tiktoks that are like "POV: you're out with your boyfriend and his totally chill girl best friend shows up uninvited and starts dropping hints about just how in love your boyfriend was with her in high school" Like dude Obsidian is trying SO hard to get along with you please try to play ball a little. Meanwhile, Ky is having a found family moment and it's very sweet.

Ky smiled. She loved her family. Family. It had been a while since she'd had that. All that happiness was welling over, filling her heart with love. Ky turned to Lupus and lightly kissed him on the cheek.

And Lupus resolves his personal little moral crisis.

With Ky, Lupus never failed to cheer up. He felt that he knew for sure, today at least, that he'd be faithful to his friends.

He also says "Our schedule for tomorrow: rescue Rim from my demented unicorn-obsessed father," which is very funny in a 2012 sort of way. I do think it's SO funny that in this adventure the entire sequence of Poppyworth->Lupus and Ky breakup->Rim rescue->arriving at the beach->Chuji and Obsidian's date->the entire next day at the beach, including the pendants and Dracus and Tozi's revival takes place over THREE DAYS. THREE DAYS!!!

ALSO poor moopy has been rping with themself for like what feels like at least a week and i am not playing ball with them at ALL monoceros-wise. embarrassing for me.

THEN: the kyobsidian agenda.

Ky sat down on a patch of green grass and took of her shoes. She dipped her feet in the water. Obsidian appeared behind her. "Hi," Ky froze as she heard Obsidian's voice. Would he hate her too, as he did Lupus? "Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked. "Don't worry, I consider you a friend. And I know that Lupus means well, too" "Really?" she asked "I don't think you mean that, Obsidian. I don't blame you for not liking Lupus. You don't have to hide it from me." She skipped a rock across the water, creating ripples on it's surface. "I meant, he means well, but he has a funny way of showing it," he said bitterly. "To me, at least." The rock Obsidian threw bonked into the water unceremoniously. "Never been much good at it," he laughed. Ky gave a weak smile. "What does he say?" "Doesn't say anything," he assured her. "It's just...do you get the feeling he has no problem with flirting? That he likes showing off what he can do? That he expects people to feel sorry for him, the little tragic hero whose father is the Evil Overlord? That he bosses everyone around?" "I guess he does do that but, you have to focus on his overall qualities. Those things don't define him. "Plus, when he flirts it makes me laugh." She argued.

JESUS CHRIST OBSIDIAN YOU ARE BEING SUCH A DENSE ASSHOLE. First of all "no problem with flirting"? it sounds like YOU have a problem with flirting which maybe explains why you and chuji textually haven't kissed since she cried and passed out in your arms. skill issue.

secondly, "expects people to feel sorry for him".... dude. imagine if someone said that about YOU. from the way lupus talks about his father it feels like it should be pretty fucking clear that he is severely affected by the fact that monoceros sucks. i guess in aote1 it's not textual that monoceros is abusive but it is textual that monoceros hated people with element powers and that made lupus feel afraid. i'm sorry that fantasy homophobia metaphors are not an issue for you obsidian.

thirdly, why are you talking to lupus's girlfriend about this anyway. i know she asked you but jesus. This is still life ruiningly goofy in 2.0 but i have to say the dialogue is a lot better.

“It’s fine, I’m interested.” She leaned forward. “You don’t have to hide that you hate him - every time he talks, you make faces, and you guys have argued multiple times.”  “I know he means well,” Obsidian repeated; he looked embarrassed to have brought it up. “I just mean - he’s so commanding, so self-centered, and so insincere -”  “He’s sincere!” Ky snapped, more coldly than she seemed to have intended, because she immediately covered her mouth with her hand. “Sorry - I just, I suppose I get defensive -” “No, no,” Obsidian said quickly. “He’s your boyfriend, I shouldn’t have brought it up -”  “No,” an amused-sounding voice said behind them. “Maybe you shouldn’t have.” Abruptly, Obsidian scrambled backwards, muttering something apologetic; continuing his vague smile, Lupus lifted Ky’s hand gallantly and raised his eyebrows at Obsidian.  “I’m sure your persuasive skills would have been very effective on anyone other than my girlfriend,” he said smoothly, and Ky gave a weak chuckle while looking strangely back at Obsidian.

the good news though is that we're skipping til morning and surely this inane rivalry thing will wind down instead of escalating and having social consequences for people that last three whole hours <3 onward!

also, love the blink-and-you-miss-it "obsidian is bi and had feelings for tozi" insinuation in the 2.0 excerpt that i only noticed because i very vaguely remember putting it there. love wins, i guess

[promiseiwillwrite]

Whatever Comes Up ~ February

I like February as a word. That first 'r' in there makes me happy. I intentionally go out of my way to pronounce that 'r' when I say this word.

I am going to make a list of things that have come up so far, and then I am going to tells parts of this as a story.

Because it is better as a story.

So.

Pain. I have seen the insides of so many Doctor offices that it makes me want to cry. Before the month is out, I will be in at least 4 more... and probably at least one of those multiple times, because there will be physical therapy in the future.

I entered February with a lot of thoughts and feelings about all the things that came up in January not quite done with me, so both anticipatory and unresolved.

But the theater of my mind's eye has been very active.

I know that I worked with Derrik several times in the first three days of the month. I was sorting out some intrusive thoughts about whether or not communicating what I need to others makes me a bad person, whether or not it is worth it to others to play a game with me if I am TERRIBLE at the game, and having to be really gentle and patient about this with myself because I was feeling anxious.

I generally resolved this by understanding that it is important to take people at their word when people tell you that they love you. Because not everyone is using you. And sometimes just playing the game is the point of the game, not the challenge or the winning. It is the spending of engaged time.

And then we worked on Derrik Himself. Because Derrik was the first Entity inside my own mind that I ever met. And our first meeting was Terrifying. HE was terrifying. Like meeting Dracula unexpectedly as a 13 year old girl. It took a Huge amount of coaxing for me to not be afraid of him. He was also a reaction to my burgeoning sense of sexual self... I IMMEDIATELY rejected and sequestered that Nightmare box of scorpions that I had been told by Every Adult human in my life would result in my untimely sexual assault, and that it wasn't a matter of if, but When. BUT ALSO TOO, that sex was sacred and one of the only ways I would ever have value as a human, or feel unconditional acceptance. When these wants and needs surfaced, they were dangerous and I was afraid of them, and what they would cause to happen to me, and that I was AWFUL for wanting them in the first place, but I wanted them so much that I constantly overreacted to my own urges, and they were that much more difficult to bare.

Sorry, Derrik. You got a really raw deal. Thankfully, I am a little better than I was back then. I am still a little afraid, and for different reasons. But not as bad as all that. It turns out that these things are perfectly normal, healthy experiences, and not something to fear.

I told Derrik that I needed to Cast the "Whatever Comes Up" for February and he brought me to the shore of eternity just after sunset.

This is a beach I have gone to in my mind all my life. It is a rocky shore with a thousand colored stones. Like the one that is now near where I live. (It was a very quieting and humbling experience to stand on a Washington Beach for the first time.)

And we stood in the surf, and I summoned two doors. But the doors weren't "ready"

They were like stone slabs, with no features.

I had to "carve" them.

By the time I got done carving them both, one looked like the door of some English Tudor mansion, and the other looked like the INSIDE of an industrial freezer.

And Derrik had gone off into wherever the other people that live in my head go when I've gone off on some kind of tangent of focus.

I touched the curved edges of the middle panel of the Tudor door, and it sprouted an iron door knob. Ready.

And I turned, and touched the tread plate texture of the Industrial Freezer door, and heard one of the most satisfying sounds on Earth. The combination of the metal latch clicking past the catch, the air rushing in with a hiss all around the foam seams as the door opened an inch.

Oh, this was the door for me this time. I Love that sound.

So I pushed it open, and I waited.

The waves lapped in at my ankles and spilled down into the Yawning Black beyond the door.

And I remembered a Tarot Card that strongly implied a trip Down into the Self for this next segment of the journey.

So I stepped in and fell.

Just long enough to count down to ten.

And then the Hut walked up on Chicken Legs.

And it turned around three times, and Sat on its haunches.

And Grandmother came out.

We conversed. I told her I had to do research, to see if it was Okay to work with her. (It is, according to at LEAST three sources I have checked, including multiple articles on Slavic folklore/religious practices, and two actual humans that walk those ways. With all cautions and due respect of course) Because she asked me what I wanted to learn, Knitting or Crochet. She said I would be learning embroidery regardless, so I just needed to pick between the other two.

I picked knitting, based on what can be done with it, and the REALLY AWESOME lady that I met at the Witch Union Meeting in Oregon and her Sock, that she pretty much had the whole thing done by the time we finished up the meeting. Knitting needles give you more stabby bits to carry around if you need them. And I want to make Neat Clothes. I need some awesome Swamp Witch Hats. Deep Mysterious Hoods. And Sleeves that look like mushroom ledges.

A few days later, I had a visitation.

I have put my work with Heimdal in Tumblr before.

I Opened a Formal Circle (lol I never do it anymore and it was all in my head, and a little tongue-in-cheek) for doing Witchy Stuff to aid me in knowing myself and accepting my desires with the people that lived in my head, and Heimdal came.

He said he had come bearing gifts. The first gift was a Purple Heart. (Which I JUST NOW got the phonemic significance of outside the way it looked when Heimdal Handed it to me. Like, a military decoration/service medal for soldiers wounded or killed in battle) The thing itself was about three inches across and looked carved from stone, But it was ALSO made of Brilliant, pink-purple sky, complete with a moon and stars and little clouds that floated right out of the "edge" of the heart. It looked like a nightscape and a jewel at the same time. And the words he gave when he handed it to me were, "To have what you desire, you must Love Deeply and Fully these desires. Appreciate them Openly, Embrace them Fervently. Throw yourself into them, so that there can be no separation of them from yourself."

I asked about the Coin.

And he smiled as he handed it to me. Large and Gold with a Hole in the Center.

And he said that there were Entities from the far East that would come to call. Which is awesome. I cannot wait to see who comes up. My mom used to work with Guanyin, and I've always enjoyed stories about Monkey and Ganesha and I don't know if Japanese gods are open to work with, but I would love to meet several of them if they are!

[hancfubuki]

Seeing him retorting back in between the tears is comforting. Even when Alhaitham himself is always the one complaining about the abrupt mood changes the architect has, it also means his own attempts on distracting him are working correctly. Yet again, Kaveh is easy to read. A predictable being and he does know how to rile him up, especially to his own benefit, in this case, his partner's well-being. Haitham did hold certain joy and pleasure knowing he is the one that makes Kaveh act defensively all the time. Even when that's not a hard task to do though, but he believes it is their own way of communication. An unique language they have created, being a direct translation of their true feelings and adoration for each other. Words have never been exactly Haitham's forte, sometimes he sounds robotic, sometimes it seems like he ate an entire dictionary as he subtly offends other with extensive and hard vocabulary and it didn't matter how much he applied this formula on Kaveh, it will always work on him and Haitham is proud of himself.

Index and thumb immediately move to grab his cheek, squeezing it tightly in a playful yet teasing manner. "We argue because I want to." Or rather because he is easy to work up and he looks pretty in the process. It is something that dates from their first encounter. It will always be engraved in his mind how easily it was for his cheeks to turn a dusty shade of red when he retorted back, since that moment, Haitham realized he wanted to be by his side and trigger those expressions out of him, not being able to realize at once it was love at first sight. After all, both of them were a bit slow when it came about figuring out his feelings, even in this same moment, where Kaveh is not able to understand what's going despite what just happened. Oh well. It's not like the scribe does need him to answer right away. It might take him days, but it as well might take him months or years to realize he is still in love with Alhaitham. Yes, a little bit egotistical. But Haitham knows the feelings are there, just hidden deep inside at the back of his mind. "Hm." A long silence fills the room for a moment as his fingers brush against the blonde's cheek, staring at the ceiling and purposely making a dramatic pause to get Kaveh riled up and curious of his response. He knows the other tends to overreact and overthink everything, and considering his usual behavior, Haitham knows for a fact, Kaveh probably believes he is always thinking on deep subjects that concerned the blonde himself, or perhaps some evil masterplans to bring him down, as he knows that's how Kaveh perceives him. If only he understood everything he has done and said is for love. "Lately I have been thinking the books at the library are a little dusty. Some of them belong to the House of Daena, I brought them home in a whim. But now that I am no longer the Grand Sage I should return them and donate some for future generations." Probably not the answer Kaveh is expecting, but who cares. That's really how his mind flows in a daily basis. He does think about Kaveh, mentions him in every occasion he has, but his mind doesn't really gravitate arounds him. Well-- it kinda does. In a total different way, perhaps the egotistical one here was Kaveh and not himself.

The touch and atmosphere between them is soothing, despite of the wet sensation Kaveh's tears left against his skin, the warm that embraces him is enough to make him feel good enough to start teasing him again. "I also think about your waist... and your back." Is that what he wanted to hear? Probably not, but the serious demeanor that projects in his face, completely confirms this is him wanting to rile him up again. Alhaitham has a talent to say embarrassing things with such a straight face. Though, this is not a lie. It does happen, at certain times of the day. "Hm-- Intrusive thoughts it's the name? Sometimes I have them, but it's easy for me to ignore them." He adds, as the hand holding his tight goes up on his frame and moves to his back, brushing his fingertip against his spine to cause his back to arche. He smiles to himself, not going overboard as the last thing he wanted was Kaveh to run away from his hold. A sudden memory of their Akademiya days resurfacing. Alhaitham always had the habit to approach Kaveh from behind, holding his waist and startling him on purpose as his face buried on his back. At that time, Haitham was slightly shorter than Kaveh, so it was his special place, where he felt comfortable and protected. Later on, he grew up in height and now he was able to do the same, just hiding his face on the crook of his neck, the golden longs causing tingling on his snooze, sometimes provoking him to sneeze, but nuzzling his nose nonetheless. He loved doing that, and he would keep doing it if he had the chance.

Though, considering Kaveh keeps crying he decides to let go of the subject, relaxing completely under his touch as he allows the lights to be off. He stares for a moment at the black ceiling again, everything's dark and he is able to listen to Kaveh's breathing and heartbeat next to him. Precious. He holds him dear, closely, pulling him unbelievably closer and not wanting to let him go anytime soon. It is when he realizes he is dozing off, mind and body tired and drained from all the emotions he had to deal with today. Indulging into the soft caresses, how Kaveh's fingers still brushed against his gemstone, he realizes that feeling fo safety he didn't feel in years is back. Being embraced by someone all night long, body heat keeping him warm and the adorable nickname that was chosen only for him.

He realizes the lovely night is over, but Haitham was born mentally prepared.

Haitham wakes up earlier than him, but upon seeing the time and how the sun was barely starting to peek he decides to prolong his time in bed, clinging onto Kaveh who seems to be sleeping still. Time pass, the birds are chirping already and he cannot deny it does annoy him. Sensitive ears and light sleep is definitely not a good combination, then he hears his name. Ah, he woke up. So he grunts in response, not opening his eyes and holding tightly on his body for a few seconds, until he is completely pushed. "You keep me up all night and then wake me up early? You really are a mess." Back to their usual behavior, and Haitham feels cranky. His body feels heavy and his heart does hurt a little despite not being him the one with a hangover-- emotional hangover perhaps. He is not content with the smell coming from his own body, and as soon as Kaveh stands up from the bed, he rolls on his stomach staring how the figure of the other man disappeared into the room.

Sighs. They should have cleaned up before sleeping. And he would have suggested if only Mr. Emotional wouldn't have started with his tantrums. Haitham flops on the bed again, eyes focused on the window for a second, listening to the birds starting to fly away. Today he has a day off, he could stay in bed lazing all day, reading a book and drinking coffee. His favorite and only activity, in all honesty it didn't change if it was a day off or not, his routine is practically the same every day. But his body feels sticky, and he realizes he does feel dirty. Not thoughts of regret appears but he wishes to wash up a little before continuing with his day. He cannot be lazy if he smells like sex, alcohol and Kaveh's guilt smeared all over his body.

The problem is... there's only one bathroom in the house.

His head tilts to the side, blinking in a questioning manner as he stares around the room. He has an idea. A cheeky one, actually. And even if there are traces of hesitation he comes to the realization he doesn't care. It's his house at the end of the day. Haitham stands up from the bed, blanking being tossed messily to the side, pushing some books that were on the floor below the bed. Alhaitham is a messy person, and he is aware he might not be the most clean. Kaveh complained with a reason, even the bathroom is filled with books. But he doesn't think about that right now, they could argue over cleanliness later at the breakfast table, and instead his feet start directing him towards the bathroom's door. It creaks open, feeling the heat of the slight warm water running down, and without further notice, he slips himself inside the shower next to Kaveh.

Deadpan. No words spoken. He acts as if this is completely normal, directing himself beneath the water jet to wash out his body and throwing glances at Kaveh to let him know he has appeared to invade his space, moving to get his own shampoo and washing his hair in front of him. "What?" He asks, finally locking gazes with the blonde. Defiantly, shamelessly.

He found his cue to be a mischievous pain in the ass for Kaveh, and he will take it.

"You prat! I do think before I talk." Kaveh retorts softly so as not to break the serene air, making his pets to his chest into a smack in retaliation, glaring at him with a threat for more annoying smacks if he didn't stop. He does think, although sometimes he just slips a few callous words that just fall into place. It's not his fault he's human and can't form the most perfect words to speak every single time. He's not a robot. Moreover, in a casual conversation? If this was a thesis review or a presentation at the Akademiya, he would have no choice but to put on his work mode and present himself as the perfect person people see him for, but Alhaitham is crazy if he thinks that'll happen at home. He should be glad he even makes sentences instead of grunting and humming his answers back like a certain someone. His brain goes a hundred miles an hour, but Kaveh does know Alhaitham is just teasing him, but he still can't help but scowl even when his hand goes back to the gentler pets on his chest. The touches on his thighs and skin send a shiver down his spine, and he looks up warily, but sensing that he was just comforting him, he breathes out a sigh of relief and allows it, relaxing into each brush of skin and humming in content. It's incredibly warm but in an enveloping way where he feels cozy, surrounded by the scent of their home and Alhaitham, something he didn't realize he missed so much. It's odd because he vaguely remembers thinking about how he wanted so badly to go home at the tavern last night when he was reminded of the scent, almost enough that if Alhaitham hadn't come, he might have bolted home anyways with a few excuses on his tongue.

That's for him to know, and Alhaitham can struggle with his possessiveness all he wants. Kaveh needs at least one leverage to call the man an idiot.

A soft laugh escapes him at his next words, a bit deprecating. "If you could read minds, wouldn't we be arguing less?" Or is it because they know each other too well, that they end up in arguments? A dilemma it truly is, how they seem to never end in things to raise their voices over. The blond still thinks it isn't fair because the scribe is always teasing or taunting him in one way or another if they aren't arguing about some theory or person they want to gossip over. But there's a deeper part of him that knows that their relationship was built upon throwing wits, teasing, and building tension-- it was just their love language and Kaveh is so close to figuring something out... but throws it out for now. Reading Alhaitham's mind though... "What would I find if I read your mind?" He mutters to himself, unaware he does so as he stills his hand on his chest, palm warming his skin as he closes his eyes. He is quite curious about what he thinks all the time, but after tonight's events, he might be too scared to find out. It's not as if he was denying their past, but he thought after all these years that Alhaitham had moved on, easily throwing away his affections for Kaveh and living his comfortable life without any need for him. Because he genuinely saw no reason for Alhaitham to need him. It's not to say Kaveh thought of him every moment of the day either! But... He thinks of the scraps of torn paper in his notebook and feels tears fill his eyes. "Fuck it." He's a mess, and he's done pretending he isn't for tonight, sniffling and rubbing the tears away before they can fall, pouting as the man's chin rests on top of his head and he hates how comforting it is to be in his hold. Kaveh doesn't need Alhaitham, he doesn't! He denies all allegations. But he so god darn wants him.

If Alhaitham could read his mind for one night.

Kaveh lifts his gaze and his finger draws figures on his chest before he slides up towards the gem on his chest, brushing his fingers over it gently. He watches the faint glow and feels his stomach tighten and his heart race at the confession breathed into his lips, taking a shaky breath. 'I love you too.' A confession in his head doesn't matter, even if they make his throat burn, he wants it to be said. But it does make his face heat up, heart racing so hard he almost doesn't catch the way the scribe's heart races just as fast. Stop, stop crying! He can't even help himself as he sniffles one more time, vision wet when he thinks about the confession again, thinking about when the scribe started loving him again. He hasn't changed at all since day one when he was invited to live here, and that mildly terrifies him.

"You..! Must you speak like that when I'm just trying to apologize? I know our dear Grand Scribe won't do anything he doesn't want to, but there's common courtesy. It'd be worse if I just assumed you were fine and later found out you hated something." Kaveh is ranting off, angrily glaring at the scribe even when his chin is held, uncaring if he looked less intimidating with wet eyes. He is defiant even under the scrutiny of his gaze, teal eyes so calm the blond is unable to figure out what he wants. But there's the tell-tale sign of a tease and Kaveh readies himself to bite back. Only, he didn't expect him to flirt. Crimson eyes are wide and staring confusedly until heat fills his cheeks and he parts his lips only to let out a meek sound. "You... Crass!" The architect squirms as he feels the heat in his stomach, suddenly too aware of the hands on his thighs. He knows that's not what the scribe meant-- or was it? He doesn't want to know and doesn't care. Kaveh will do everything in his power to pretend he didn't just think about it. For a split second, he thinks he wants to squirm away to get away from the embarrassment, but the warmth from his body is too strong of a pull, fist on his chest as he lets out a sigh. Relax, stop letting Alhaitham rile him up.

But it's hard to do when Alhaitham is staring at him silently, still keeping his chin held in his fingers. Kaveh could easily pull away if he wanted to-- but he didn't. Not really. It was the first time he got a proper look at the scribe after he became lucid, a bit thrown off when he was crying right after having sex, and his eyes and hearing had still been a bit blurry when Alhaitham was laying on his chest before. Now, he could see the softer features that were always there post-sex, his short hair a mess despite how much he's tried to brush it down, some tangles and spiking happening in corners his fingers had not reached. He looks so young like this, quite adorable if he could input his opinion, his eyes so beautiful as they shine in the dim light. Kaveh begrudgingly has to admit that back then and even more so now, he really liked Alhaitham's face a lot. He's such a pretty and handsome man to look at. A lot more people would be throwing themselves at his feet if he had a personality to back up his beautiful looks, he muses to himself as he stares, falling deeper into his obsession and he gently caresses the gem still under his fingers. He really loves him. Stupidly so. The blond dislikes how he understands his jealousy just a bit, because he thinks he wants Alhaitham to stay the way he is, brash and straightforward to a fault. Otherwise, everyone would be able to see how his personality was actually of a man who cared more than he let on, someone whose actions benefitted others despite his consistent waving off that it was all for himself. It's true that he was egoistical and thought of himself first-- but what human didn't? Kaveh has seen plenty now, of those who have drowned in their greed and ego to step a foot into the grey areas of morality, taking advantage of the weak for their own gain. At least when it came to Alhaitham, he knew where to draw a line, even if it strayed from others', he had one that he kept to and Kaveh could respect that.

If it was too obvious, Kaveh might no longer be the only one to receive his genuine smile. He didn't like the thought of that, not one bit.

Too deep in his own thoughts, the blond had no time to even question why his face got close, simply blinking his eyes close when he tastes sweetness on his lips in the form of a warm kiss, gasping softly. He looks back at the scribe and sees his lips curve, and his heart leaps. Fuck, he loves this cheeky man. "What..." Then, the lights are turned off and Kaveh is unsure if he's lucky or unlucky for it as his face heats up in a dark shade of red, making a high-pitched noise at the very back of his throat. He flops his head back down, cheek against his skin as he gets pulled closer, shifting to get comfortable, making a show of bumping his hip and crossing his legs in a tighter squeeze to let out the steam. Damn it, how is he supposed to sleep like this? Kaveh huffs and buries his face in his chest, realizing his fingers are still playing with the gem. If he's going to do that, then two can play the game. "Good night, Haiyi," Kaveh says clearly, a smirk on his lips at first, but it softens into a smile, patting him again like consoling a child. They're so childish, he laughs to himself sleepily as he gets drowsy.

Soon, his breathing evens out as he falls deep into slumber, cuddled up to the scribe to steal warmth. It isn't until the sun is out for at least an hour before Kaveh stirs, used to sleeping in till later in the day with his creativity booming at dead hours of the night.

When he stirs, he is very warm and his pillow smells a lot like Alhaitham, so he buries his face into the crook of his neck. Which is the first sign that this was not a pillow. He slowly opens crimson eyes to see a bare chest, a softly glowing gem and he wonders if he's dreaming. A dream of their Akademiya days maybe, now that the people of Sumeru dreamed. He has had dreams of his days there quite often. That, or nightmares. So he rather prefers this, rubbing his cheek against the other's skin as if scenting him, giggling softly in the warmth filling his body. He's so comfortable, he doesn't want to move. But the chirping of birds outside their window is too loud all of a sudden, the rays of sun too hot to be within a sweet dream. Even worse, he feels a bit sick in the stomach in a familiar way that usually meant alcohol or...

"Urgh..." He should have taken a shower and cleaned up last night. He curls up on himself, holding his stomach and groaning softly. Kaveh realizes with horror that he's slept with someone, a familiar pang deep in his stomach he wants desperately to dig out. Something he should have done last night, but he forgot after years lacking practice, suffering for it now. It wasn't a horrible pain at least, but he is struggling to open his eyes as he tries to get up. "Alhaitham..." He doesn't even have the capacity to be embarrassed by his cracking voice, trying to push arms off. Now that he thinks about it, didn't he keep it a secret that his stomach got upset easily? Well, he's not telling him or letting him figure it out now. That's his secret to take to his deathbed. Back then, it was because he likes being filled and now, it was to hold onto the last bit of dignity he had left. After last night, he's direly lacking any. "I need a shower." He pushes himself reluctantly away from the warmth and climbs out, holding onto the dresser as his legs wobble. He hates this. Why couldn't he have been responsible, why did he drink so much and end up having sex with Alhaitham of all people? He's going to kill himself after he gets himself cleaned up and gets a cup of coffee to clear his head and feel more alive. Yes, death after coming to life. Sounds like a suitable punishment for the astrocities.

Kaveh looks back and wonders if he should say more, if he should see if there's any heart left in him to help Kaveh move, but the pang in his stomach tells him no. Horrible idea. Anything that needs to be said could be done after he cleans himself up. "Morning. I'll make coffee like I promised." That's enough, and he walks as normally as he could towards the showers.