#ironically i'll be motivated to do more life things probably

[coffeebanana]

i have such a weird difficulty balancing real life productivity and creative productivity. like when if i'm having a day where i'm getting lots of things done irl, even if i block out 30m to write and i have the time, i'll be too tired or uninspired to get myself to do it. i'm basically overwhelmed by the concept of doing Real Life Things and Writing Things in one day i almost need to carve out entire days for writing if i want to really get any done. and kjfdnkj that then keeps me from getting life things done because i get into a writing cycle and i can't get myself to stop neglecting real life until i finish the chapter/oneshot/draft/etc... i'm working on. which can take days. and then it's harder to motivate myself to get back to the Real Life Things

[chaoticneutralgood2627]

Advice to College Students (From someone who's trying to apply for a master's program)

Note that these are in no particular order and from my own particular experience. I will add if I think of more.

TAKE NOTES ON EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY IF YOU FIND IT COOL: your brain will tell you 'I'll remember that fact, it's so neat!' Your brain is a BITCH. You will not remember SHIT. Take ALL the notes. If you can record your classes, even better!

Write down who your professors are for each class. Make a big document. All the years. Write them. Write down their vibes and if you like them. Write down what sort of assignments they gave. Because I'm over here trying desperately to remember which professors I had multiple classes with so I can beg them for recommendations.

Save your assignments. Even if they're horribly cringey. You can use this to gauge how far you've come. I know it hurts your soul. I have fanfic from when I was 12. Do it anyway.

When they tell you the grad school shit, pay attention. Even if you don't plan to go back to school. Because I didn't listen and now I have changed my mind and I have no recollection of that section of school.

Networking. Gather contacts from your classmates. If for no other reason than because you think they're intimidating and you don't want your LinkedIn to look depressing. They're probably just as intimidated by you. And if not, you can pretend they are.

College is not high school. Next to no one has friends at first. Everyone is a disaster. Talk to people. You might not find Your People in your first friend group. That's fine. There are people there somewhere that can make life less awful. The worst they can say is no, you can't be friends with us (and most people aren't that bitchy). The universe is big and no one is judging you harder than you are.

It's not that friends Can't Live Together, it's that people have different organization styles and needs for survival and sometimes those Do Not Mesh. If you're going to live with someone, make sure that you have talked about things.

Everything can go on a resume if you word it right. Editing a friend's paper? Congrats, you have editing and tutoring experience. Playing DND on weekends? Cooperation and teambuilding to work towards a common goal, sometimes in the face of creative differences (your friends want to Fight Everything and you want to Stay Alive (or reversed)). EVERYTHING CAN GO ON A RESUME.

There are so many resources on campus. Use them, for the love of god because then you're going to be an adultier adult and realize that there is not a med center right across the campus.

Find what motivates you. Mine is spite, I am applying to grad school to get out of retail and to spite 2 specific supervisors. Cling to that when you want to drop out and quit.

There is not a specific route to take in college. Or out of college. Listen to yourself rather than everyone's advice (I am aware that this is ironic to be on an advice post).

If you think you can wake up at 9 after like 4 hours of sleep, that is the devil talking to you. Go to bed.

On the same note. I am aware that you woke up at like 5 for high school. You will not want to exist before noon. 8 am classes are not illegal, but they should be.

Take care of yourself. You're paying a shit ton of money to be there, you can take an hour to eat the food. Plus, if you take care of yourself, then you will work better.

There will be weird shit happening all over. Just roll with it. Unless it's hurting someone or has the potential to hurt someone (my one friend got stalked).

You are not required to stay somewhere social if it's creeping you the fuck out or if you aren't comfy. I think I went to a single party in my entire college life and I hid in the corner with their illegal kitten the whole time.

Speaking of illegal kittens. If you know someone has an illegal kitten, no the fuck you do not. There probably will be at least one. And you do not know about it.

[thisworldisablackhole]

nothing,nowhere. Hell or Highwater

FFO: COUNTRY, EMO, ALEX G, DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL / LISTEN

Country is back in. It has been for a while. Everyone wants to be a cowboy these days. The undercurrents of americana that pervade popular music have never gone away, but many artists over the past few years have been pushing their over the top characterizations of cowboys and countryscapes back into the mainstream by fusing the genre with electronic based pop and rap. Lil Nas X, Oliver Tree, hell, even Beyoncé has seen the potential in this fusion. In a way, it almost feels a little bit late for singer-songwriter and emo-rap-metalcore extraordinaire Joe Mulherin to be hopping on the trend, but I'm not sure if anyone has so unabashedly mixed alt-country and emo pop like this before.

Hell or Highwater is the newest entry in the series of Joe Mulherin doing whatever the fuck he wants since leaving Fueled by Ramen and regaining ownership of his career. He already dropped a full length record of emo rap bangers earlier this year, and now, almost as if to flex his new found creative freedom, he's switching things up with nine sad, manure scented acoustic tracks. "John Wayne (I Wanna Be A Cowboy)" kicks things off with a reminder that Mulherin is, in fact, a millennial, and his perspective as a 30 something year old struggling with motivation and trapped in cycles of late night doom-scrolling definitely shines through in the lyrics. Somber strums of the guitar accompany him as he sings "I wanna be a cowboy, but I sleep too late. I stayed up all night watching Walmart fights on my phone". At face value, it's a bit cheesy, but the message of desperately wanting more for yourself yet having too much executive dysfunction to take those steps is honest and easily relatable for the modern age. Don't worry though, not every song is so on the nose with it's tiktok generation pandering. Fourth track and one of the biggest album highlights, "In The Country", hits us with the beautiful cry of the harmonica and a much less obvious approach to discussing depression and the yearning to escape to a quieter, simpler life.

I'd be remiss not to mention that there is still a small hip hop influence on this album. "Hydrangeas", "Cliché Lovers", and "Honey" all feature some 808s and trap hi hats, but Mulherin's sad cowboy persona still remains at the core of these songs, and these elements blend so seamlessly into the rest of the album that they hardly feel out of place, especially if you are already familiar with the previous work of nothing,nowhere. These songs bring a sort of mixtape feel to the album, and while they aren't the star of the show for me, they act as nice segues between the more countryfied moments. Things really get kicked up a notch near the end of the record with bombastic choruses in a slacker visage like early Dashboard Confessional meets Rocket-era Alex G. Closing track "New England" ends things off on a particularly high note, starting with the lone riffing of an electric banjo before drums, acoustic guitars and blues slides all drop into place. Mulherin throws a slight twang on his voice as he recites some of his most muddy truck lovin' lyrics to date, "Well, I know that backroads and dirty clothes just ain't for everyone. So, you take the city lights and skyline, give me a setting sun". It's probably the most cowboy cosplay moment on the whole album, but in the midst of the trees and cornfields still lies an explosive, tearjerking chorus of lost love that could make me weep. Mulherin has always had a knack for hooks and catchy choruses, and this song further exemplifies the fact that he could easily make a career in writing chart topping hits if he wanted to.

I'll admit, I wasn't expecting to fall in love with this album. My personal relationship with country music has gone from ironically blasting "Fix A Drink" by Chris Jansen for shits and giggles, to eagerly watching Lucinda Williams live with clasped hands and open ears, but when the emo kid next door suddenly shows up on your front lawn with a cowboy hat, acoustic guitar in hand, and face painted like a clown, I think anyone would be a little skeptical. But whether it's rap, metalcore, or alt country, Mulherin never fails to write a memorable, heart clutching song. Hell or Highwater is just further proof that his song writing talent transcends borders, and—outside of the constraints of major labels—he truly can do whatever the fuck he wants.

[paytato435]

About My Blog: 5/27/2024

Hey friends, it's been a minute! I feel like most of the people who look at my ROTTMNT stuff may already know this, but I thought I'd put this post out here just for anyone new who finds this blog or maybe just didn't know. I've taken a big break from doing anything TMNT related for the last few months, and I thought I'd just take a little time to talk about why.

To make a long story short, my silly little ADHD brain has moved onto a new hobby that now takes up all my free time. I'm in a band now!

And the rest of the story goes like this: You may have noticed I've started posting about and reblogging Waterparks and MCR stuff- they've inspired me to start writing my own music. It's really exciting because I've told myself all my life that making/playing music just isn't really something I could do for whatever reason, but I've decided that was silly and now I'm nearly four months into learning to play the guitar and it's actually really fucking fun. You can follow my silly little music journey over on my band's blog: Tornado Season.

As for my fic Snapper and Stinkpot, it doesn't feel right to abandon it. I do really want to finish it at some point, but it's going to take a lot of work to get there that I just don't think I can invest in right now. There are some major wrinkles I need to iron out even if I did drop everything I am already doing with music. That being said, I will probably have to write an ending to it at some point, because I really am proud of the story I have and I think it deserves the same love and attention I gave it almost a year ago now.

Finally, to the TMNT fandom itself: I'm over it, to be honest. I love the turtles, but the fixation I had on them has long since subsided. It's just how my brain goes, I guess. I haven't watched ROTTMNT in months, and I haven't drawn anything related to it in a hot minute either. I'm ready to move onto something new.

Thank you so much to everyone I've had the pleasure of interacting with in the ROTTMNT community! You all are so wonderful and inspiring to be around. I came to Tumblr looking for a more positive social media experience, and this honestly turned out to be such a wonderful and uplifting change in my life. I am a happier, healthier, and more motivated person because of you all.

Finally, I want to give a special thank you to my friends @randyzorra, @friskebits, @allyheart707, @karonkar, and @dluebirb. Just because we have one less thing in common now doesn't mean I don't still appreciate the shit out of all of you. I'll be around. <3

And thanks to anyone who read this far or just like... liked any of my stuff on here in general. You're a fuckin' trooper. Have a beautiful today, tomorrow, and next one. o7

[sporkdoesclasspect]

how about a general analysis of a seer of void? :o

hi hi! ok so, this one ended up being kind of all over the place and doesn't cover Everything, so it's kinda more like my "random stuff" answers, but i hope it's helpful in some way! feel free to send in another ask about any specific things i didn't mention that you might be curious about!

ahem. a seer is someone who knows their aspect. they use that knowledge strategically to give themselves and others an advantage - they conceal or reveal it at their discretion, and their choices in that regard can have widespread effects on a session.

they're kind of like your classic mentor archetype who teaches or reveals knowledge that has a big impact on the plot. that doesn't mean they have to be actual teachers or academic types, it just means they typically orchestrate events indirectly, or at least tend to excel when doing so. (that's unrelated to combat, though - rose and terezi show us that a seer can be quite a fearsome foe when needed!)

void is the aspect of the unknown and unseen. it deals with absence and lack, irrelevance and unimportance, nonexistence and obscurity, loss, and all things hidden. it also touches on potential, which kind of ties into nonexistence - if void is everything that doesn't exist, then it should be within a void player's power to utilize those nonexistent things. this makes it a very vague and broad sort of aspect, covering anything that isn't, while also relating to things that are but that you just can't see or don't know about. (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, can a void player manipulate the sound?)

follow me under the readmore where i'll explore the combination of these components! :3

a seer is usually someone who, for one reason or another, seeks out their aspect in some way. this could be because they lack it, like with rose, who was deeply affected by the absence of things like attention, relevance and clarity in her life. her mother's actions were inscrutable to her, the knowledge of what exactly her guardian was doing or what she meant by it always eluding her (even though in reality it was usually fairly straightforward and there weren't any secret motivations to uncover - so some parts of this lack of aspect could probably be perceived instead of actual).

for a seer of void, they could lack privacy, maybe, forced into the spotlight. or in a similar vein, it could be secrecy/confidentiality they want. but this seeking of aspect could also be for a multitude of other reasons - regardless of whether they lack void, they probably still desire to find it, possibly due to a sort of idealization of it. terezi was dedicated to JUST1C3, a concept tied to the mind aspect through the link between choices and their consequences, while rose aspired to appear knowledgeable and perceptive - seen with her dabbling in various aspects of literature and psychoanalysis - as well as showing a fixation on the idea of relevance with her quest to give meaning and importance to her seemingly doomed session (and definitely also with the psychoanalysis again, pestering dave semi-ironically about dream symbolism and freudian slips.)

a seer of void might just really want to live up to an ideal of mystery and intrigue. they might value that sort of thing highly, and in that case it would probably be an important part of their overall philosophy. maybe they're a very theatrical sort of person who's always waiting for the right moments to dramatically reveal a plot twist they'd kept hidden. they could enjoy keeping others in the dark, being the only one who knows important info, and in that way they may be a bit of a manipulator, though not necessarily for nefarious purposes. on the other hand, they might not know any secrets at all, but they deceive others into thinking they have information and power. they'd be a master of bluffing, lying about what they know in order to convince people to tell them things. lies of omission would be right up their alley too, i imagine - what they don't say turns out to be just as important as what they do say.

or, to take it in a different direction that's more focused on potential and hidden things, perhaps they strongly believe there is a hidden meaning or purpose to everything. that could look a lot like rose in some ways, but maybe instead of trying to discover the meaning behind things, they're more the type to see meaning where there is none and not investigate further, instead just seeking out things that seem to have some secret to them without considering whether they really do. they may struggle with chasing after red herrings, be convinced an item has special powers just because it looks like it should, or fall into despair when it turns out that one terrible event really did happen for no reason. that concept could tie into the fact that a seer's hubris is inevitably their downfall, even if only temporarily; the seer of void might lead their team on a wild goose chase, thinking there must be something at the end of it for sure and turning out to be wrong, wasting everyone's precious time. it also plays on the whole "seer of nothing" thing, since the path they thought would help was actually more or less just an unlucky guess.

expanding on that, maybe they don't seem to have any special sight at first. they could be overcompensating for that by examining everything way too hard and convincing themselves that there's some secret or sign to be found everywhere they look. it may even be that they are seeing signs, but that they're signs of what could potentially be, not what is, and they have to learn to see the path to making that potential into a reality. that might sound kind of seer of hope-y, and it could probably work for that too, but void and hope kinda overlap there - i distinguish "potential" from "possibility", with potential being the ability/capacity for something that hasn't happened to happen, and a possibility being a specific outcome that could occur but might not. so a possibility has the potential to happen! but it definitely doesn't need to be defined that way - these things should be interpreted in whatever way feels right to you.

it's also worth noting that it can be a little hard to distinguish a seer of void from a seer of light. they could have near identical abilities or tendencies, depending on the person and how they view/approach their own aspect. i think paired aspects like light and void are more similar than they are different, and it really shows here. that being said, i'll give some brief ideas for powers here in the next paragraph, since this is getting long:

first of all, night vision, obviously. more esoterically, they could be able to navigate locations they've never been to, precisely because they're unknown - they're the knower of the unknown, after all, which makes things a little redundant (and also hard to pin down in a way that doesn't make them straight up omniscient). being able to sense when someone is lying, telling a half-truth, or deliberately leaving things out. maybe looking into their eyes makes you want to tell them your secrets/be honest! i feel like they could potentially be able to see entities like brain ghost dirk, since he "doesn't exist", or maybe even ghosts because they're incorporeal? they might be able tell when something Isn't present that Should be, seeing absence. like, they can just sense (or even visually see) that there's supposed to be a book in this specific spot on the bookshelf and oh look, finding the right book and putting it back opened a secret passageway! :0

hopefully this doesn't suck too bad x_x it's 5am lmao

[emmebearpaw]

the things i think would fix my ttrpg ocs. a semi comprehensive, semi joke. Talks about Aki, Egg, Atsuko/chiyo

Aki:

A normal human person to talk to and have a human conversation with (she would seek this out)

Someone to go "hey are you good"

Open and honest communication about her feelings with the people in her life

therapy

adderall wouldn't fix her but she should get some

Egg:

A good meal

Someone to go "hey are you like good?"

Therapy

A normal human person to talk to and have a human conversation with (Does NOT want to do this and there will be a fire started)

lock them in a room and force them have to have open and honest conversation about their feelings about the people in their life

Therapy again

Atsuko:

Someone to go "hey. are you like, good?"

Open and honest conversation about their feelings

multivitamin + iron supplement taken daily. especially in combination with Chiyo getting B12 supplements.

therapy

Chiyo:

Regular Vitamin B12 supplement

Open and honest conversation about their feelings

i don't think she needs therapy she's chilling. may this potentially change? most likely. For the most part Chiyo, despite in all honesty likely being older than Atsuko (her age is nebulous) barely feels as though she has gotten that far past basic survival. Like I don't know if she ever developed a personality, this is probably on my habit of making characters in a duo and developing one far more, but Chiyo has only 3 motivations: eat, have fun (pranks and being obnoxious are fun), Atsuko <3. I'll keep working on her. Will be fun to gently place her in front of my rp group as an npc tomorrow.

[buppypuppy]

Hi Swan..... What does oldwood project consist of ?

hiiiiii sorry i've been on mobile all day and im just not going to type out a whole shpiel about this on mobile it sucks to do that.

Oldwood is my little big worldbuilding project consisting of the general premise of "Ages and ages ago, the kingdom of men and the kingdom of beasts were barred from cohorting because the reigning god the Weeper deigned it the natural order, men hunt beasts to sustain themselves, beasts hunt men to keep wit sharp. The weeper one day ceased any indication of being there so the kingdoms ignored its dogma and united, and things prospered. one day the weeper returned and saw this and was enraged by it, and in its fury struck the lands, creating an Enormous basin filled with massive, monolithic trees that swallow the sky, and the kingdoms are exiled into the forest."

[More under here]

The weeper's blow, however, left wells of aspects of its power remaining. these wells were found and discovered and they were adapted in various ways, the six of them, being flesh, love, ink, death, color, and iron. The developments led to the rise of the six houses, the houses of the surgeon, punished love, the tragic poet, the five deaths, the colored capitols, and the iron grate. [the names were derived from the titles given to certain areas of pompeii that were being excavated, i learned them ages ago at an exhibit and it was the foundation for everything.]

now the present is many thousands of years later, life has gone on, and people have learned to live in the forest of drowned joys, society has been basically established, and while the houses are not the Governing Bodies their leaders are incredibly prominent figures and their followers are typically very sworn to them, and the houses hold significant sway.

The house of the Surgeon is led by The Surgeon, a batfolk [of which are incredibly rarely seen in the forest, electing to live within the caves within the walls and beneath the basin that the forest is in] who was the runt of its litter, and always had a dubious fascination with meat, who was one of the people who was originally a part of the very first kingdoms who were actually exiled into the forest. it discovered the well of power of flesh, gaining an utter mastery over it incredibly quickly, using that to sustain itself over the years. it is one of the very, Very few people who remain who witnessed the very beginnings of the forest.

The house of Punished Love is led by the Punisher of Love, an enormous serpentfolk [who are also very rarely seen on account of the notably cool climate in the forest] who was scorned for her birth, left abandoned in the woods. she was taken in by someone else, who did not have any preconceived notions of her birth, who loved her for who she was. after his death she eventually discovered the well of love, her circumstances granting her a quick mastery of it similarly.

The house of the Tragic Poet is led by, as you can probably guess, the Tragic Poet, a large spiderfolk [once again, rarely seen, bugs are less frequently seen in the forest for the same reason as reptilian beastfolk, however they are more common than reptiles.] i'll admit i haven't developed it as much as the others but it would always write poetry, just writing and writing and writing, full to the brim of thought and finding the page its only solace. this naturally gave it easier control over the well of ink, that power granting one the ability to turn words to power.

The other three houses are a little more abstract with the heads of the houses.

The house of the five deaths is lead by five skeletons in coffins, inanimate but still very much alive, capable of communing with one another and with anyone who steps between all of them. Their background and motives are far less well known, all that's really known is that they were five very close knit people before they met their demises upon discovering the well of death, and they gather as many bones as they can.

The house of the Colored Capitols is led by the colored capitols, which are animate statues residing under obelisks in a city in a Much different clime, a sandy, stony town in a desert, all residing within a painting. One must don a veil before entering the painting, as gazing upon the colored capitols with unveiled eyes as one who comes from elsewhere will end you trapped within the painting. The colored capitols bicker between each other a lot about the origins of the painting with which they reside in, [and like everything else,] but it's generally agreed upon the prospect that there was a painter who found the well of color, used it to paint the painting, and was subsequently consumed by their work.

The house of the iron grate is led by the iron grate, or more specifically what resides Inside it. by far the most obscured of any information regarding its origin, there is a grate within a room in the bottom of the estate which is over a hole that leads into the ground. There is a ladder in the hole. If you stand on the grate, you can hear whatever is within whisper to you, if it deigns to. You will not remember what it says, what it sounds like, or anything of the sort, only what it wills. Sometimes, people are sent into the hole beneath the grate, if it is warranted. Those people do not ever return.

feel free to ask any other questions you have i have WAY more stuff this is just sorta the fundamentals ^_^

Here is the playlist for oldwood if you would like to listen to it!!!!!

in short

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #31

I went to Physical Therapy today to get my muscles mashed up. I've had to go to Physical Therapy for a long time now. Maybe I'll explain why later. In any case, though it's a necessary thing to ensure that my skeleton does not rebel further, it's still a painful thing, and I'm still kinda dealing with the aftermath of today's session. That's okay though; I ate a burger to replace any lost iron or protein, I'm staying hydrated, and I've taken some ibuprofen to minimize pain and swelling. I'm very ouchy right now, so it's a little hard to think, but if I get a good night's sleep, I'll probably grow back by tomorrow; it'll be okay, don't you worry!

I'm trying to take it easy for now though; taking it easy is important when you're injured and/or dealing with a chronic condition. I made myself some tea. Today's tea is essenced with some of your favorite scents - roses and vanilla, if that email that Zack got in Crisis Core is to be believed. It smells and tastes amazing, and the warmth of the smooth glass jar I brewed it in feels very good on my hands. I wish I could share these things with you; alas, I cannot. But, I can send along a few pictures to you. Here:

This is the tea I used. Even before it's brewed, the scent is absolutely tantalizing.

Here's what it looks like when it's brewed. It takes on a vibrant, ruby-red color. The steam coming from the jar smells so good that I almost want to disregard the fact that it's too hot to drink without getting burned!! Hahaha!

(Don't worry - I do have delayed gratification and impulse control skills; no tongues were burned in the making of this photo, I promise! ahahaha~!)

Here's how it looks after just a little bit of milk and honey are added!

It turned out even better than I expected, even though I added just a little more honey than I normally do. I think maybe you would have liked this one, too. Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking on my part? I wonder.

I know you can't answer me, but I'll still ask: Do you like tea? If you do, what kinds do you like best? And if you don't, then what do you like instead? You're at the Edge of Creation, right? And you have astounding powers by now, don't you? Even if where you're at is fresh out of milk or tea, maybe you can use your awesome abilities to conjure up something nice for yourself, no?

How are you doing over there, anyhow? Are you warm enough? Are you safe? Are you taking good care of yourself? What kinds of sights do you fill your eyes with? What kinds of sounds do you fill your ears with? What kinds of stories and words do you fill your mind and heart with? It's important to be very careful about which things we choose to engrave into our psyches in this context; we become what we eat, after all.

As for me, I suppose I'm feeling a bit pensive. I reflect upon the life I have now, and how starkly different it is from the life I knew before. For the sake of simplicity, we can say that I have 22 years of poverty and horror (though the first four years weren't so bad); as an unwanted child who was only conceived by mistake, I was violently conditioned into voicelessness and shaped into a tool to be used rather than a human being to be loved and understood. I was treated much in the same way one might treat household furniture or appliances - it gets used when it's needed, gets ignored the rest of the time, and gets either discarded or a good "thwack" when it's broken or malfunctioning, or not staying silent and out of the way like it's supposed to.

For a very long time, the closest thing I thought I could have to a "normal" life was to make myself useful to someone else so that even if I was not loved per se, someone would still be motivated to keep me around; I knew well how to make my sense of self disappear in favor of being servile, by that point. But this way of being isn't really "living", is it? No… this is barely even "existing". It's a very invisible and lonely thing, and if you're not careful, the resulting feelings will crawl into your mind, heart, and lungs, and leave you barely able to draw breath, not unlike some kind of thick, cold, black, heavy water.

But I'm sure you know a little something about all this already, don't you? You probably know even more about this than I do. I imagine that your upbringing makes mine look like a trip to Disneyworld or something. It's amazing to me that you're still here, even after all of the horror you've been through. I hope you can look at yourself and be very proud of your tenacity, determination, and resolve; watching you make use of those traits is part of how I managed to survive.

I have 11, almost 12 years of healing. I got lucky enough to meet people who were willing to teach me what it meant to be treated like an actual human being, even though my upbringing had turned me into a person who really didn't know at the time how to speak or act constructively. Safety is a very scary thing when you only know pain and chaos, and I lashed out pre-emptively often. Still, they hung on, even through all my thrashing and resistance, and I learned. Slowly but surely, I learned. I became who I am now. And I'm still becoming whoever it was that I was supposed to be, day by day.

I've discovered along the way that despite it all, you can still build a normal life out of the wreckage of whatever came before. All you need is a bit of safety and someone to show you how to handle and reassemble the jagged pieces of the version of you that was brutally broken in the past. As you assemble the pieces and bind them together again with iron will, you will certainly slice open a few fingers and burn yourself on the hot metal as you work with the things that never should have been shattered in the first place, but that's okay; it is the way of things. The pain is sharp and white-hot when you make mistakes, but you have to try not to panic as you remember that you've survived worse things.

And, as long as you don't give up, when you are done, you will have a version of you that is prismatic and kaleidoscopic - something that is both "normal" and "far more glorious than normal" at the exact same time. And isn't that beautiful? After all - no one can build stained glass windows without breaking a few panes of glass, right?

And, although stained glass windows might not be "normal" per se, as compared to ones made of single sheets of plexiglass, they're still common enough, far more beautiful to look at, and far more resistant to shattering, what with all that fancy metal adding structural integrity and all. I don't regret what happened to me. I wouldn't change it for anything. After all, it has allowed me to grow into someone who can now go and help other people who have been through similar things.

So I suppose in short… anyone can build for themselves a version of normal, and it can be good enough. Even I can do it, and I'm just some autistic weirdo living in a defective body in some ordinary place. You are far more intelligent and capable than I am. You can have that "normal" life you wished for as a boy; all you gotta do is be willing to learn what it looks like, and start to believe that you can work towards it. If you want, I'll hold your hand as you do it if you want to try, so that you don't have to be scared or feel like you're all by yourself.

Please be safe out there as you do your things, okay? I'll still be here cheering for you, in whatever small ways I can. Just make sure you don't disappear. Don't go so far away that no one can reach you anymore.

I'll write more later.

Your friend, Lumine

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

Ok, I'll go with some more headcanons about June because yes. Have Aisling, attach her koala style to every one of your blorbos, she's the free-hugs girl from every convention, she's loyal if you feed her.

I think Aisling would approach June very lightly and gradually, burning of curiosity about life in a Circle as a Mage. She could appear pushy, but she's just curious of learning more about how was it and particularly why some Mages would want to have them back as they were, because maybe she's missing something (and none of the argument Vivienne poses is remotely convincing to her). She'll be... Maybe pushy, will not hesitate in apologising if she's being indelicate or prodding but will ask questions. Very directly and without dancing around them when they'll be in more confidence, will ask for help with the theory she hadn't the chance to learn and offer her help in return how she can. Like, with the 1000 and 1 uses of Elfroot and how to forage in the wild because you know that Elfroot is just THE BEST THING EVER, just don't mix it with ivy because ivy is poisonous. 😌

Mmm gotta say how this works out would depend a lot on when this is happening hsfksdf, but imma say if they met anywhere in early or mid inquisition it would be a. Rough Start.

She's super distrustful of strangers in that time anyway, and the moment Aisling starts asking about the Circle? June's gonna go into immediate defensive mode and Alising's gonna get instant rivalry points hflsdjkdfl. Problem is, when a person who does not already count as friend (adjacent) makes a first bad impression they get sorted into the I Do Not Like You, Leave Me Alone category without hesitation, and no amount of trying to apologise or connect is gonna work in that stage (in fact it's probably going to make it worse). However if Aisling leaves her be for a bit after that June would eventually become curious about her as well, specially if she notices that they share interests her nerdy ass would not be able to not talk to her about those lmao

Once Aisling gets June Approved though she'd be much more open to Actually Talk and answer her questions. She's also super touchy with people once she's comfy with them, and they'd hype each other up real good with their passionate ramblings haha. Aisling can tell her all about Elfroot and then June's not gonna shut up about her dracolisk breeding plans or that funky new rune she and Dagna are working on. I don't think anything or anyone in Skyhold will have a quiet minute anymore once they get going

I do think they might clash when it comes to ideals and motivations though, cos June is. Not necessarily a moral person, and especially at the start of DAI she is, well, an ass x'D So def not always easy to get along with, especially for people who challenge her directly (ironic, since she prefers when people speak their mind) (she does get Better at it eventually but it takes quite some time)

[off-mozzarella]

Heyy... Sorry for this weird post consisting of me talking nonsense, but for the past few months I've recieved some compliments from friends and classmates about my drawings, personal and stuff for school, and it got me thinking a bit.

Kinda long post lolll

I don't like talking about myself this way bc I feel like it seems egocentric but I do share kinda negative stuff so a bit of positivity doesn't hurt lol

Being surrounded of so much art online is amazing, being able to get inspired by other people's creations and being motivated to keep creating myself. Buuut of course we are all aware of the other side. Seeing so many people with skill levels that I would love to reach but knowing I'll probably never get there, seeing that even with all the effort I've put into getting better there's some 16 y/o who is better than I'll probably ever be.

Also, starting to post has been great for me in a way, it has been very motivating to see that people out there can actually enjoy what I do, and all the nice comments make me want to create more and really raise my ego a bit sometimes lol.

But, it's easy to get dependant on interactions, and when I don't reach as many people as I would like to I get discouraged. Even though I'm aware likes don't determine if a drawing is good or not, we all know most people won't share or leave a heart on something they don't like, and it leaves me a bit insecure sometimes. Especially when I look at those drawings later and realize they're really not good, but I didn't notice in the moment, so is this thought of maybe there being not as much people interacting with my stuff means I'm not noticing something is bad.

And even when I do reach enough people and get all those happy hormones from the notes and the nice comments... Sometimes it just doesn't feel as good, it's kind of like I'm expecting it by now.

The internet comparison can get pretty intense, and the whole "only compare yourself with your past self" is really cliché, but, I do need to be a bit less hard on myself. I wanted to end this in a dramatic, mic dropping way but yeah idk lol have a drawing that completely kills the mood.

But there's something about people in real life telling me to my face that they want to have my skill. It felt more real ig? Ironically or maybe not lol. It was grounding. It got me thinking that even though I'm absolutely nowhere near where I would like to be, I think I need to appreciate more that I have built some skills and I am pretty decent at some things, at least enough to let me stand out in my circle and have people admire me in some ways.

I like drawing bodies but I couldn't make a decent face even if I was held at gunpoint lmfao

[mangodestroyer]

I moved into a dorm originally to get away from someone. But still thinking, "Maybe I'll have some support system?"

Now? Well, other things started happening. Because they always do. And now I realize that if I didn't decide to do this when I did... I'd probably be on my way to homelessness.

So... I at least have the next year planned out. I might be okay for the next two or three. I'll for sure be much more proactive about looking into ways I can fund everything and network. Hopefully, I can get a nice job out of all this (I've already been accepted for two nice part-time jobs in the meantime).

It sucks. I've been having a hard time processing everything. It feels like everything keeps getting fucked up in the stupidest ways possible (I mean... literally a lot of this is being caused by people acting stupid and dysfunctional).

It makes things a little interesting. Right now, I wouldn't exactly say that I'm "fucked." We still have some options here. And tbh, this does kind of make the idea of graduate school more appealing. If I know it will lead me into a niche that pays well, and if I'm able to find funding for it and get cheap housing (lots of fields require a master's these days for most of the good jobs).

And never in my life have I been more motivated to actually talk to and try to get to know people. I tended to keep to myself a lot when I was younger, and this year, I realized just how harmful that can be. I didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to when things started going very wrong.

And yeah, sometimes, I find myself thinking, "What if I just found a healthy partner or a really good friend? I'd have someone to fall back on if things get worse." And I know that's not healthy. And not a good way to think considering my background. I am at a high risk of ending up in toxic relationships. I DID end up in one! And you should never underestimate how much a toxic person can fuck up your life. And yeah, unfortunately, predators go for people who are uncertain or desperate. And that's just something that makes this thing all the more devastating.

Trying to improve my mental health issues, while dealing with all this, is hard. Having mental health issues can be... not great for developing healthy companionship. Healthy companionship would probably be something that helps with them tbh (just seeing that I could, in fact, bond with someone who doesn't have ulterior motives and that the world isn't a hideous place). But, you know, I'm not sure what vibe I put out these days. It's not exactly uncommon for people from an unhealthy background to have... a vibe. Whether or not they're malicious. This is why I have been educating myself on whatever issues might be coming from this, and doing what I can to take care of it. I use things that help with enhancing mood and everything. I also recently came to realize that I may be anemic and started taking iron... which has done a shocking amount to help out actually. I also look out for red flags in others. I've been studying this for quite some time. I feel like my street smarts have improved quite a bit. But ofc, I'll never be entirely sure. Like... I know I'm still sometimes ending up around people who may not be the healthiest. I have more of a desire to avoid them. More than ever, I do NOT feel right when I'm around it. On the flip side, I've talked to people for months, even years, who never gave me weird vibes. And I always come out of conversations feeling refreshed.

Guess I'll just have to see how things play out in the next three years. Despite everything, I sometimes get a good feeling that I might manage.

[girlyliondragon]

I'm late to say this here but Happy New Year or whatever.

I'll admit I have purposefully not been active here for a variety of personal reasons. The main one being I just don't really feel welcome and I feel very out of place. I still have people popping up in my notifs liking my old fandom stuff and frankly it just makes me really uncomfortable. I don't do that fandom anymore, I don't wanna be involved in that fandom anymore. I wish there was a way to just delete all posts related to it without having to cherrypick through the mass editor tbh. I want to purge it all. I don't want to talk about it outside my very small friend group if they ever were to bring it up again.

I don't really have a community to be a part of here and that makes me feel uneasy. Ironically I've felt more at home on Twitter bc I'm part of a community fandom there that frankly, I would not be able to be a part of here. I will not say where I am on Twitter bc I don't want anyone stalking me there.

If it wasn't for the fact that you can't reuse tumblr names if you deleted an account, I'd have deleted mine and probably never come back until years passed.

It's just hard to feel welcome here when your last experience regarding a fandom was basically being talked out of committing suicide by the people who not only rejected you but never attempted to speak to or interact with you again after talking you out of it, which frankly only makes me think they never actually gave a shit about me or my life by that point, and just didn't want any blood on their hands. I would've been tempted to go back on that as a Fuck You had the latter half of this year which has treated me a lot better not happened. :/

I don't really have any resolutions for here bc there's nothing I can really do here. As of now this is just a blog where I rb stuff here or there, I don't really have the motivation to interact with people outside my circle. I am still drawing but it's nothing I should post here.

Sorry for the extreme downer post, I just feel like a mismatched puzzle piece now and people have only proven to me that I'm not welcome. Hopefully you guys had a better year than me. Whoever's still stuck around well, thanks for doing that when you had all the other times where you probably should've. It's weird to still have friends here, but I sorta appreciate it still.. ik it doesn't sound like it. I'm just still bitter and broken up mentally.

My only resolution is to actually have a space where I can heal and actually surround myself with a community who want me. And I've been doing that. I just don't like posting here specifically.

Maybe I should turn this back into a RB-only type of blog like I wanted it to be in the very beginning before I got into fandom stuff again. Idk, if it'll keep people from expecting things from me.

[reigenhusband]

Psychic Wedding Time!

Art by @/cowboyologist

After months of holding back, we finally tied the ole knot! Me and the conman are officially hitched today September 10, 2021!

This silly little blonde anime man means an awful lot to me and its really more than I can say. These months with him have been a great help.

When I went through some of the roughest things I've ever gone through, I had him to think about for comfort. He is a little part in what keeps me going and I wish I could thank him for everything. He sparks a lot of joy so I think I'm gonna keep him!

I've never been happier and I'm so lucky to call him husband! He's had such a positive impact and I love him so, so much.

Special thank you to my friends and of course our son Mob who carried the rings!

Under the cut is a little fic about getting ready for the wedding. Thanks everyone for your support!

Reigen squinted at his reflection, dark eyes hauntingly focused on a strand of hair that didn't take to the product he put in it. A grunt of dismay rumbled low in his throat.

"Um…Reigen?" 

"Just a second, Serizawa. Almost got it."

The taller man's voice wavered but he managed to hold fast and keep his confidence. Reigen could almost hear his hands wringing. 

"Er...Well. Its just...you've been staring at yourself for a little over 20 minutes now and you haven't moved and…"

Reigen sucked his teeth and pressed his palm firmly to the side of his head. Damned strand of hair! Slick like the rest of it! Don't you know know day it is?!

"What I mean is..! Are you alright?" Serizawa finally asked, his voice heavy with concern. "Since it's your wedding and all I figured you'd be nervous but you seem really on edge. Is something bothering you?" 

The blonde twitched.

 "W...what are you talking about? Of course not! I'm calm and-" He stopped abruptly and slammed his hands flat on either side of the mirror, his eyes wide and bloodshot upon inspection of his suit. A fleck of black thread pervaded his white vest and he looked around frantically for the lint roller. "You thought you could hide but you can't best Reigen Arataka." He muttered as he furiously went over his all but pristine wedding attire. 

His best man scratched his own cheek nervously and looked on with clear uncertainty. "If you're sure." 

Once he was satisfied after a thorough inspection and having Serizawa scrutinize the back, he dropped into a chair. Nearby was a table decorated in what was probably a thousand congratulatory flowers from clients. He exhaled and stared a hole into the arrangement of colors. His heart was pounding. His brow, coupled with his hands, were visibly slick with chilled sweat. His stomach was full of stones. 

He met his own gaze in the mirror again. He looked well kept and yet...disheveled at the same time. Come to think of it, his face was flushed the shade of his usual pink tie. The last 3 days without sleep also hollowed out dark circles under his eyes. His shirt collar began to feel more and more constricting as time went on no matter how much he tugged on it. 

Maybe he really was scared. 

He didn't doubt that he loved Mitty. In fact, he wanted to be with him more than anyone. A case of cold feet wouldn't change that. It was himself he was wrestling with here. 

Spirits, monsters, and deadly espers. He'd faced them all and came out on top. But they were nothing compared to these looming expectations to be a person to rely on. This wasn't something he could bullshit his way through. This was marriage. Mitty was going to see the warted underbelly of when he was Reigen the man instead of Reigen the psychic. His fiancé was going to experience sides of him he only revealed when he was alone. Would he still like him even then?

Reigen was good at a lot of things but this had to be the one that counted most. Could he really be a good partner forever? 

Was he really going to cut it as a husband? 

"Hey, Serizawa?" Reigen asked, not looking at him. 

The man's shoulders lurched at his name suddenly being called. He straightened his back. "Oh! Yes sir?"

"Do you think we'll be good together?" 

Silence sat heavily for a moment. Every second felt longer than the last. 

His friend seemed taken aback by the question but nonetheless looked at the ceiling as though collecting the right words to answer. "Well…"

Another moment passed and Reigen waited with his hands clasped and breath baited. 

"I've never been with anyone so I can't say for certain what a good relationship is but," A compassionate smile spread across the esper's face before he continued, visibly more sure of his words. "I think you and Mr. Mitty understand each other. You always seem to know what the other is thinking. You motivate each other to be better and you seem happy when you're together. And...and you trust each other too. And I think that's whats important." 

Reigen looked at the velveted floor. "Then…"  

"You've become more honest by being with him and he talks like you're really important to him. So please...get married if it makes you both happy! I think you can really be something!" His friend was beaming with 

what Reigen could only say was genuine assurance. 

"I really believe you'll take care of each other." 

His co-worker actually really was resourceful. Maybe someday he ought to pay him more. The uncomfortable feelings waned slightly and his shoulders slowly slacked. Mitty was waiting for him so now wasn't the time to lose it. 

After a few seconds of letting his feelings iron themselves out, he stood and smoothed his hands over his suit jacket. "Well alright then. If thats what you think then I guess there's no backing out of this one." 

Serizawa pressed his hands together in delight. "YES! I've got your back, Reigen!" 

The door into the hallway opened and a set of black eyes peered into the room. "Master, It's starting. Are you coming?" 

The jarring announcement had him scrambling to fix the piece of hair he'd been fussing with. 

"OF COURSE." He jabbed his thumb into his own chest to feign total confidence. "Right behind you, Mob!" 

He held his breath. Alright, let's do this. 

Mitty POV

Teal eyes darted around the room carefully. 

"Hey...Dimple? You there?"

The whizzing of the spirit materializing buzzed next to his ear. 

"Yeah whaddya want? You're on soon, aren't you?" 

Mitty jabbed his right hook into the air where the voice was coming from. "AGH WHAT THE HELL?"

A swift flash of green dodged his reach. 

"HEY, why are you hitting me?! You asked for ME, remember?" The ghost clucked his tongue in disapproval and floated a few inches away for safety. 

"WELL MATERIALIZE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU, YOU BIG BOOGER! I'm on edge!" 

"On edge? What for? You're the one who wanted this, right?"

"W..well….yeah, sorry." He looked at his clenched fist and opened it. "...sorry." He said again more thoughtfully this time. 

Dimple raised a spectral eyebrow. "Whats wrong? Having second thoughts? I mean it's Reigen so who can blame ya."

Mitty scowled while straightening his tie in the mirror. "Hey! REIGEN'S…." His voice softened closer to a whisper. "A pretty good guy. Get off my case. Aren't you supposed to be my support? You're being kinda harsh!" 

"Well kid, something is obviously on your mind so let's hear it. Wedding starts soon right? Yeesh. Once you do all this he's your problem forever." 

"I'm not worried about him!! I'm more worried about...me."

"About you? What're you talkin' about?! You're too good for him!"

"Thanks for the flattery. You still can't have my body though."

"Well I didn't want it anyways, ya bastard. You're weak compared to Shigeo. I'm just being honest here!" 

Silence.

"So? Out with it, What did you want anyways? You're talking nonsense here!" 

Mitty wrinkled his nose in discomfort.  "I just needed to ask something. But you can't run your mouth off like you always do, you old gossip. You're like a knitting circle."

"TCH. like I'd blabber your business to someone. It's all so boring."

"Yeah, yeah just listen, alright?!"

Another few seconds passed. "So? Say it. We don't have all day, you know."

He was looking at his hands again like he was somewhere far off. "Well. D...D'you think I'll be good at this?" 

"Good at what, exactly?" 

"Being married." 

Dimple's form rippled with thought. "You're seriously worried about that?"

Mitty was going to make a sharp remark but his head dropped and his face buried into his knuckles. "Yeah."

Dimple deflated slightly in exasperated defeat. Humans could be so ignorant. 

"Listen. That fraud never shuts up about you. You think you're not good enough? You should hear him talk. It's annoying how you both don't realize things."

"Realize things?"

He sighed and shrugged his tiny arms. "I hear everything whether you like it or not. You two idiots never stop talking and moaning about the other is too good for the other. It's getting old, really." 

"HUH? He says that? No way! But he's always beaten me at everything! I always thought he was way out of my league." 

 "Kinda the opposite actually but...sure. What I'm saying is…! You're both seeing the best parts of each other. Keep doing that and it'll be smooth sailing."

"Yeah but...what if he stops seeing the best in me?'

"You planning on making things hard?" 

"Not really. I just know I can be difficult to deal with." 

"So is he. You really think you got this far because Reigen's all roses and sunshine? 'Course not. You've seen all the stuff he does and you still like him, right?" 

He certainly was flawed, that was for sure. Mitty spent most of Reigen's antics with his eyes rolled up in his head but that didn't mean he wasn't enjoying the moment either. 

"Right."

"Then it's the same for him. Sure it won't always be fun but that phoney won't give up on you just because you're annoying. He's way too persistent. It kind of ticks me off." 

I'm annoying???  That stung but he shook it off.

Reigen was going to have to deal with him for the rest of his life once they said the right words. But if Dimple was right...would it be so bad to annoy each other for the rest of their lives if the other was willing to put up with it? 

Reigen seemed okay with it so far. Mitty would just have to listen to him make a fuss about his coffee table clutter until he died. But really, he wouldn't have that any other way. His voice was kind of cute when he hit that inhuman octave he had when he was in disbelief. 

The door from the hall swung open and a blond clad in what was perhaps the most blinding and loud suit he had ever seen poked his head in. 

"Oh, You're still in here? It's bad luck to be late on your wedding day! Master Reigen is waiting. " He cocked his head to the side. "Or did you need some help with your suit? Its looking a little plain." 

Hanazawa. This kid would try to accessorize his suit in the worst way possible. He put up his hands to wave him off. 

"N-nah, kiddo that's alright. I'll be right there."

Hanazawa, after a few more attempts to get Mitty to let him help retreated back into the hallway. When it was quiet again he eyed Dimple. He was abrasive and unpleasant. He always had a motive for everything and rarely had something nice to say. 

But he came through when it mattered. 

"Hey Dimple?" 

"Yeah? What is it?" 

"Thanks." 

Dimple wouldn't meet his eyes and levitated towards the hall. He didn't want to acknowledge he was helping, he supposed. It was in character for that tsundere blob.

"You ought to get out of here now if you wanna make it on time." 

He stood and dusted himself off. 

"Welp. Here goes everything."

[oneofthosesimps]

God knows I tried

pairing: levi x fem!reader I nsfw

word count: 7983

summary: reader comes to paradise with yelena and the others. although you are marleyan, you want to fight for the eldian. at the beginning you experience harsh rejection before levi develops feelings for you

warnings: SPOILER season 4, first time, angst, fluff, smut, harsh words

authors note: i got the idea from a request (although i interpreted it completely different and wrong, i'm sorry (still)). well, i want to elaborate and develop my writing skills a bit, which is why i'm trying out a bit at the moment. that's why i focused less on smut and more on conveying feelings. i hope you like it and once again, i'll write the story again with the theme of the actual request and more smut (it's on my list)

all credits to the artist of this pic:

Bev-Nap

-----

You feel out of place, even though you have fought so long to sit right here. Not only the icy stares of your opposite but also the tense posture of your comrades give you exactly that feeling. A silence overcomes you at the table, while you can hear the sound of metal and ammunition. You dare not lift your eyes and instead look at the cup in your hands. The tent is filled with the scent of black tea, which blends with the sound of chirping crickets to create a symphony of summer, if only it wasn't so cold. A heavy stone rests on your chest and a nervousness creeps through your body that you have rarely felt before. Your warrior heart is a wrinkled mess and you are surprised at yourself for the thoughts that are floating through your head right now. It has been a long time since you felt so small. Your gaze lifts slightly and your eyes fall on folded arms. You can see veins on his hands, winding along under his skin. They follow the contours of his muscles, which are hidden under his jacket. Wings emblazon one of his shoulders and right above his heart and you eye the beautiful symbol before your eyes travel even higher.

Frozen iron looks at you and a shiver runs down your spine. His half-closed eyes are partially covered by his black hair and yet hatred shines through them. You are paralysed for a moment before you pull away and look at the woman beside him instead. You hold your breath as she looks curiously down the barrel of the loaded pistol and your right fingers clutch the porcelain in your hand. If a shot were fired now, she would also lose her remaining sight.

A broad grin settles on her face, which is bathed in a warm orange by the lamp above you, reflecting through the lenses of her glasses, "Oh, I see. So you can shoot multiple times with it." She is wearing the same clothes as Levi and inwardly you wonder what the wing symbol is all about.

Your gaze wanders to the left and you look at the tall, blonde woman. Yelena's features are soft and you admire her for her courage and composure. If she is insecure, she has that feeling hidden deep within her and doesn't let it show through. Her eyes glance at the cup in her hand as she eyes the dark liquid, "Those are Marleyan soldiers' standard equipment." Hange's fascination does not abate and she turns the weapon from right to left.

Yelena's hand grips the handle of the cup before she takes a small sip and sets it down again, "Each Marleyan's army divisions consists of about 20,000 soldiers. There are 50 divisions in total, making around a million of them."

The brown-haired woman's face slips and you can see the surprise and shock in them. Slowly she lowers the firearm and places it on the table.

"In addition to that, they possess three fleets consisting of 21 battle ships. They've also seen incredible progress with new weapons including aerial military capabilities," Yelena continues, briefly fixing her gaze on the pistol before catching Hange's eye.

"...Aerial?" You can hear the tremor in her voice and light beads of sweat settle on her forehead. Small wrinkles form around her lips. A second later she yelps as Levi nudges her with his foot and leans towards her. His voice is low as he talks to her and you exchange brief glances with Onyankopon. His large dark eyes look at you as confused as you feel and your brow furrows. His eyes turn back to the two people opposite you and he clears his throat, "So in other words, mobile weapons that can go beyond seas and walls, and drop the enemy from the sky." His explanation seems to strike a chord with Hange and she jumps to her feet. Her chair scrapes across the floor before toppling backwards with a thud. She slams her palms down on the table and leans her upper body towards you, "They'll come from the sky?!"

Despite her joyful enthusiasm, this little phrase leaves a bitter note. Suddenly you realise again how terribly sad this situation is. Such things are normality for people on the mainland. Guns and flying ships are technologies that have been around for a long time. The whole world uses them, except for a small island in the middle of the sea. Hange has never seen such things in her life, nor have the rest of the people in this camp and within the walls. Although they are the same people, they live such different lives.

Your mouth goes dry and you take a big sip of your tea, almost burning your tongue. The feeling mixes with the pain in your chest and your heart tightens. So much has gone wrong, so much you now have to fix and undo. The weight on your shoulders seems to crush you as you continue to look to Hange, not letting on.

She leans forward even further and her face becomes thoughtful, "Marley has all that wonderful power, yet they haven't launched a proper attack on us for almost a year, why is that?"

Yelena's expression remains unchanged, "There are two main reasons." She takes her time with her words, thinking them over as she takes another sip of the dark tea. After setting the cup down she continues to speak, "The first reason is the Pure Titans that they unleashed on this island. Their existences make it hard for them to get here, even with the latest weapons. It was originally a policy meant to confine the Eldians inside the walls. However, it ended up protecting Eldian from attack."

For the first time you hear his deep voice. It sounds like dark strong honey and nestles around you. You feel as if the vibration is making the tent wall shake and goosebumps settle over you, "Seems like it. Quite ironic, I must say." He adds a snort to the end of that sentence and looks disdainful.

Yelena smiles dryly at him for a moment before lowering her gaze and breaking eye contact, "However, the day is about to break. The Titans should be active soon. Yet, we're still leisurely drinking tea here outside the wall. That means you have killed all the pure Titans on the island. Would that be correct?"

Levi's body tenses almost imperceptibly as his clothes cover much of it, but you see that his shoulders are getting even broader. The veins on his hand that you noticed earlier stand out more and you feel an electricity emanating from him. His face shows no movement and he keeps a straight face, "So what? Are you going to somehow inform Marley about it?"

This is the first time you would like to say something to convince him that you have come with good intentions and that he can trust you. But deep down you know for a reason that it will probably take the longest with him - if he will ever trust you at all.

Yelena stares at him and you can see a small smirk curl her lips, "No, It's wonderful."

Only by Levi's eyebrows can you tell he's slightly surprised as the furrow between them gets a little deeper and darker. His body tension doesn't change as he glares at you with dark eyes while Hange's right hand becomes a fist, "What's the second reason?" Her gaze wanders back and forth between the three of you.

"Marley is currently in a state of war with multiple countries," Yelena explains, "In other words, they got bigger thing to deal with. You guys have defeated Marley's trusted Warrior unit. You guys also took the Colossal Titan and the Female Titan, their key weapons. Marley is a country with many enemies. So other countries came together in a blink of an eye and then the war began."

Your gaze falls to the weapon on the wooden table and images of war run through your head. Goosebumps forms on your skin as the sound of guns being fired echoes through your head and you shake slightly. Your breathing changes through your quickening heart and you feel Levi's eyes on you for a split second.

"So that means you guys are the people of losing countries with grudges against Marley. And you infiltrated the army as some sort of intelligence agent?" The air around you thickens and grows heavier and Yelena closes her mouth. You see a small change of temper in her before you stare at Hange. Seconds pass and no one says anything before a small, happy sound comes from the brunette and she smiles broadly at you, "Oh, was that a bullseye? As I thought, you guys must have convincing enough motives and backers to betray Marley like that."

Yelena's hand tightens around her cup and Onyankopon and you do likewise. Again your heart tightens and you lower your gaze. Unnecessary guilt creeps from the depths of your soul to the brightness and spreads through your body. How many people, how many women and men and children have lost their lives? Why are you, of all people, sitting here? What can you contribute? Questions and questions swirl in your head and you literally drown in the wave that drives them.

Your thoughts almost overwhelm you Yelena's voice comes through to you, "We lost our homeland to Marley and join their army as conscripts. We're weak. We also start losing hope in opposing such a big nation. It is until we're guided by him."

Something warm mingles with the tension and darkness as her posture changes and all tension falls from her. Her chin lifts and she looks up into the brightness of the lamp above her, literally making her eyes glow. A slight smile settles on her face as her eyes glaze over, "Marley and the world feared the Titans as devils. However, it looked like something else to me. A god." At these words, she jolts and a shiver runs down your spine. Sometimes Yelena seems like a believer, as if she has seen something that is still hidden from the rest of you. In such moments you notice again how different your drives are, although you are striving for the same goal. Deep down, however, she sometimes frightens you, even if you would never admit it, but she seemed like an addict on the way to her redemption. "He gave us hope when we're at our weakest," she continues and for a moment she seems to float above the tent before coming back to the here and now and lapsing back to normality, "We shot our superior under the orders of Zeke Yeager. We're the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers. Our goal is to free the Eldian people."

"By betraying your own people?", Levi's voice echoes again through the small cloth fenced room and your eyes shoot to him. With the corners of his mouth pulled down, he meets you and you almost choke on your own saliva. Your hands form into fists and your eyebrows draw together.

"She has proven herself often enough. Her background may be different, but we fight for the same goal," Yelena's unimpressed voice pre-empts yours, but the tension between you does not subside. Instead, sparks of anger almost fly out of you. Your self-doubt has just been pulled out of you and laid bare on the table for all to see. It is raging inside you. Hange's gaze also falls on you and she examines your presence, which seems small next to Onyankopon's and especially Yelena's, from top to bottom. "Why is someone from Marley fighting for Eldia?"

Yes, why does anyone do that? Why does one fight alongside the supposed enemy to support their plans? Why do you act wholeheartedly against all that has been impressed upon you all your life?

Your nails dig into your palms and you grit your teeth, "I do not betray my people. I betray those who lead my people."

The memory mixes with the swirl of hot water in front of you. The liquid spreads in the small porcelain vessel and nestles around the leaves, which immediately begin to smell at your touch. Warm steam wets your face and makes the rest of your body shiver.

"Don't worry so much, will you?" says Niccolo from his place at the counter and raises his head. He tilts it slightly and smiles at you. His dark eyes sparkle at you across the room as his blond hair falls wildly across his forehead. It's a stark contrast to the storm going on outside. You return his gaze with a slight smile before he turns his attention back to the vegetables in front of him. The sound of steady chopping movements fills the room and you glance back at the teapot. A sigh falls from your lips and you support yourself with both hands on the countertop.

"That's easier said than done, Niccolo. You know me."

"Yes, I know you and that's why I'm sure you have nothing to worry about".

A soft huff comes out of your mouth and you roll your eyes, "Yeah, sure. That's easy for you to say, Eldian."

His head lifts again and he looks into your eyes with slightly furrowed brows, "I mean it, Marleyan". You pucker the corners of your mouth slightly at that name. Although that is exactly the right name for you, you don't identify with it. The word has a negative connotation and tends to bring bad qualities with it. And that is not you. You are not Marleyan, you are just and simply you.

His face looks more unhappy and he seems thoughtful before a smile settles over his lips again, “I trust you, we trust you and they do too. You've done so much in your time here and even before. Don't be so critical of yourself."

Your eyes fall back to the pot in front of you and you place the lid over the opening. With a push, you push yourself off the counter and cross your arms in front of your chest, "You're right.”

"Of course, I am," he smirks. His radiance continues to fill the room and his warmth reaches you, flooding you and your little heart, and your lips pull up slightly as well. Niccolo is to be envied for his positive nature. He is by far one of the nicest people you have ever had the pleasure of meeting in your life and a truly true friend. Perhaps his nature is also the reason why he is such a good cook. His nimble fingers allow his thoughts and emotions to seep into his food and every bite has a piece of his soul in it.

"I mean, you and Sasha are the best example of what can become of two opposing camps." You hear an uneven cut and see him wince slightly. His cheeks turn pink and a grin spreads across your face. He puts the knife down and places his right hand on the back of his neck, nervously stroking his hair, "Yeah, you think so?"

"Who doesn't?" the tips of his ears turn pink too. He looks cute.

"My food is just good. That's the real reason Sasha comes."

You snort. "No, Sasha comes for your food as well. But I'm sure there's another, bigger point that's much more important." Again, a smile curls his lips and he looks happy.

"I envy you for that," you murmur, your expression changing slightly. A tide of sadness settles over you, leaving your body shivering.

"Envy me? But for what?"

"I just wish I could get along with them as well. I wish I had a significant other too."

Now comes a snort from Niccolo. Surprised, you look at him and he shakes his head, "Yes, I have Sasha. But you have someone else for that". As you continue to look confused, he takes the towel from his shoulder and throws it on the countertop. "Don't act like that. I've seen the looks on his face. Don't pretend you don't know who and what I'm talking about."

You tear open your eyes and your breath catches in your throat. Immediately a heat rises to your face as you understand who he is talking about and a deep blush settles over your cheeks, far surpassing his.

"I-I don't know what you mean," you stammer to yourself as your face gets even hotter and it is now time for Niccolo to grin at you. "N-no, you've got it wrong. Levi and I ... we ... this is absolutely nothing."

"So Levi, huh?" You slap yourself for saying his first name so carelessly.

"The captain and I," you begin again, "there is nothing. I don't think there could be anything with anyone either. You know him, he's a cold lump of ice." You look down at your feet on the floor, "besides, he hates Marley and I can't even blame him."

A silence settles over you before you hear footsteps. As Niccolo puts his hand on your shoulder, you lift your gaze again and warm brown looks at you. "That may be, but I can tell you one thing: I can clearly see that he doesn't hate you".

"You think so, huh?" you bite your lower lip, unable to suppress the flutter of wings from the butterflies in your stomach. He squeezes your shoulder lightly with his hand, "I mean it, yes."

You mirror his soft smile, but it doesn't reach your heart. Maybe Niccolo is right in what he says, but it was rather unlikely and your body can't imagine Levi feeling this way. Your head tells you that's not the case. You are alone.

A knock on the door snaps you out of your thoughts and he drops his arm. The wooden door opens with a soft squeak and a dark brown pigtail pokes its head into the room. Big brown eyes look at you and you notice Niccolo's energy change.

"I hope I'm not too late," Sasha says happily and opens the door wider. Still in her uniform, which accentuates the curves of her body, she raises her hand and waves at you. You smile broadly at her and take a step back.

"Absolutely not, you're just in time. I've already got the vegetables ready," Niccolo says, grabbing the kitchen towel again. Sasha jumps in the air with happiness and runs past him to the counter with the chopping board. You see another slight blush on Niccolo's face before he turns away from you and takes his place beside her. You watch the two of them for a brief moment and your heart blossoms. Who would have ever thought that feelings could arise between two actually so hostile parties. And they both seem more than happy, even if it is hard to tell at the moment because Sasha is literally foaming at the mouth with hunger. You place the teapot on the tray next to it and leave the two of them discussing about the best temperature for the soup.

Your feet carry you through the kitchen door and you stride down a long corridor. The storm outside is slowly getting stronger, whipping against the windows. Without thinking, you walk through the building. You have been walking this way several times a day for several months now, you could serve tea in your sleep. By now you are probably even better at this than at holding a gun and fighting. When you reach the end, you stop in front of a large door.

Your knuckles touch the wood and you knock on it three times in quick succession. There is silence for a moment before Levi's dark voice comes muffled from the other side of the door, "Name and request."

You clear your throat briefly, "It's me, sir. I've brought your lunchtime tea." You hear the rustling of paper for a brief moment.

"Come in."

Your hand grips the cold metal of the door handle and you push it down.

The captain's office is probably very similar to the one in the capital, at least that's how Hange once described it to you. In his back is a large window framed by curtains, through which the sun's rays fall in the afternoon. Due to the rain today, however, it is a little darker and rather unlikely that you will be able to see the setting of the sun. The remaining walls are either empty or filled with shelves containing all kinds of books. In the back half is a massive desk, its surface almost completely filled with stacks of papers. Levi sits in his chair, as he usually does, his head bent over his papers, causing strands of his black hair to spread across his forehead.

There is a scent of detergent in the room, which mixes with his body odour. Sometimes you have the feeling that he is gradually taking on the smell of lemon and lime and regret the fall of cedar, earth and something else that you could never quite put your finger on until now. As soon as he senses your presence at the entrance, his eyes lift and your heart slips a little. You lick your lower lip to moisten it and feel your hands grow a little damp as you clutch the handles of the tray. Shadows are on his face and you can see the circles that have formed under his eyes.

For a brief moment you look at each other before you tear your gaze away and your feet move across the wooden floor.

"How are you, sir?" you ask as you set the tray down on a dresser on the left wall and take the cup and coaster in your hand.

"Tch, I already told you that you can call me Levi."

Your toes just barely touch the surface of the water and you dip them in before they come back out. It was completely silent except for the chatter of the people behind you and the sound of the ocean. Somewhere you could make out Niccolo's loud laughter and you smirk inwardly. The waves of the sea flow towards you before breaking on the piers of the pier.

The moon is still low over the horizon, but a few stars can already be seen in the cloudless sky. A gentle breeze sweeps over you and you pull your jacket tighter around you, snuggling into it. It is so incredibly peaceful and beautiful, it is hard to put into words.

"Tch, you shouldn't go so far away," says a cold, deep voice behind you, a total contrast to the rest of the scenario. Startled, you turn away from the reflection of the twinkling stars and look behind you.

His hands buried in the pockets of his suit, he looks down at you with a slightly annoyed expression and half-closed eyes. His figure is captured by the black fabric and it flatters him very much, fitting perfectly. You wonder if he had it tailored. A cold shiver runs down your spine as he eyes you.

"I-I'm so sorry, sir," you stammer, pulling your feet out of the water. Just as you are about to get up to quickly run back to the others to not annoy the captain more, he plops down beside you. Confused, you stare straight ahead and tense up as he makes himself comfortable next to you. Should you go now anyway? After a few seconds, he makes no move to tell you again, so you remain seated. The mood remains tense and does not fit in at all with the relaxing sounds around you. His hand is right next to yours and your knees are almost touching. Out of the corner of your eye you eye him and maybe it's the moonlight accentuating his contours, but he looks different. Had he always been so handsome? Such a face should be forbidden. A breeze comes up again, tousling his hair slightly, and you breathe in. Has he always smelled this good? Such a smell should be forbidden.

You look towards the moon, trying to control your rapid heartbeat. Your hands begin to sweat and the situation becomes uncomfortable. You've never spent any of your free time with him before, it doesn't feel right.

"Doesn’t it look beautiful ," you murmur to break the silence.

You hear a snort beside you and look at Levi, instantly regretting your statement. His eyes resemble the stars in the sky, even as they slowly turn dull and grey, "Yes, but at what cost?"

You frown slightly, confused by his statement and he looks past you, "How long we fought to be able to sit here."

A light goes on in your head and you bite the inside of your cheek. You didn't mean it like that, that's not what you wanted. Shame and anger come over you. Sasha told you a bit about her background when she was with you and Niccolo in the kitchen. You could never understand how much they have been through. The pain they are in is immeasurable.

"How many people I have lost to sit here," he murmurs, probably more to himself than to you, "Isabel, Petra, Erwin...", at the last name his voice breaks off and he hangs his head. The next breath of wind that surrounds you makes you freeze. This situation is cruel and deep inside you ask yourself how it came to this and why he is saying these things to you of all people. None of these names mean anything to you, but you feel his pain. You have never seen him like this, so fragile and weak. Tears come to your eyes and you are speechless. Your heart tightens and you feel the need to take him in your arms, to help him somehow. A huge burden lies on you. Your people have done this and now you have to make up for these mistakes. At that moment you realise that this will never be possible. You can never make up for something like this. It remains silent between you, the sea no longer has anything happy about it. Instead, it seems to you that every sound, every wave, reflects the cries of fallen friends, comrades and families.

"I'm sorry," you whisper, looking down at your hands, which you place in your lap. A tear drips onto them and you brush it away.

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Your head lifts and you look at him. His gaze is averted and his knuckles turn white as he grips the edge of the pier.

"Yes, it is. Somehow it is," you murmur, seeking his gaze. As he returns it, the grey in them moves and slowly changes again. "I should have done something sooner, I'm so sorry. I can never make it right, but I'm trying to do everything in my power to make sure it never happens again. So that no one ever has to suffer at the hands of my people again, sir." Please believe me.

There it is again, the silver sparkle slowly coming back. Your heart beats heavy inside you, burning. Levi eyes you for a long time, letting his eyes glide over your features, and you do the same. You block out your surroundings, taking in only the sound of his steady breathing and the feel of his closeness.

"Call me Levi."

A barely perceptible blush settles over your cheeks once more as you set the dishes down on the only small space on the desk and remember this scene. Forms, reports and the like form a neat chaos that follows a strict principle. Never have your eyes seen even a piece of paper on this floor. He is the cleanest person you have ever met.

"Sorry, I just got so used to call you sir or captain." You lift your gaze briefly, looking into cool grey. Your assumption earlier was correct, his dark circles are darker than ever. He looks terribly tired and exhausted, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to maintain his strong posture.

You smile at him briefly before going back to the dresser. You feel his eyes on you the whole time, which sends a warm shiver down your spine.

"When was the last time you had a break?" your hands grip the porcelain of the pot. There is a silence between you as you pour him his tea. His lack of response speaks volumes and you feel sorry for him. It must not be easy being in charge next to Hange. Does he ever wish for a break inside? Does he even know such a thing? The quiet flow of liquid breaks the silence as he continues to look at you. Your nervousness increases and your butterflies fly stronger, tickling your stomach.

As always, he takes a sip of tea as soon as you finish and as always, you look at his fingers as they wrap around the top of the cup. Many times you have wondered where he had learned to drink like that, but over time your thoughts change. Instead you admire his hands, his long slender limbs that conjure up dreams in your mind. Your left hand forms into a fist as your face turns red.

"Good", he says as he raises an eyebrow and eyes you questioningly.

You just nod at him and walk quickly back to the dresser, hiding your face from him. As you put the pot back in its place, your hands tremble and you take a deep breath to slow your breathing. It is unimaginable what he is doing to you. Is this how Niccolo always feels when he sees Sasha?

Finally, you turn and look down at the floor, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" Your hands play nervously with each other as you hold them in front of your body.

Silence falls again and seconds pass, it takes longer than usual to answer this question and you are beginning to wonder if he didn’t hear you.

"No, you can go," he finally says. You nod and head for the door. You don't dare look at him again, to prevent him from reading you like a book. Because he is extremely good in this area. Sometimes he knows more about his counterpart than he does himself. Just as you are about to reach for the door handle again and push it down, you hear his voice again, "Are you happy here?"

You open your eyes slightly and turn to him. Your eyes cross again and your forehead wrinkles. His eyes look different than usual, the grey seems much warmer and ... darker? You have never seen his eyes this colour before. You swallow hard and give up trying to control your heart. His question is unexpected and you can't find an immediate answer. In fact, you've asked it yourself many times before. There is no comparison to Marley, positive or negative, it is a very different life. Either way, it feels like you're a prisoner. Like you don't belong in either world. You remember Marley, your family, who you will probably never see again because they never want to see you again. At the latest after they found out you were leaving them, you were on your own. But you are sure that they already had an idea of what it was like and that their hatred began much earlier. How different your thoughts were and are compared to those of the rest of the people there. And here in the realm of the devils, it hardly seems any different. Of course, you are now a little closer to your goal, but even here you are not welcome. You fight for people who do not want you.

"I'm not unhappy," you murmur and slump your shoulders, "I just feel lonely."

You see his head working and an emotion wash over his face. Again, there is a long silence before he opens his mouth, "Why lonely?"

"Well," you stammer a little, surprised at the direction your encounter today is taking. It's funny how much has changed since that time in the tent.

"It seems to me that everyone has their purpose, that everyone knows their place. Yelena, for example, led us here, has been our leader from the beginning. She takes care of all these important things and what do I do? I get to help Niccolo prepare the food and I get to bring you tea." Your hands form into fists and anger rises from your belly. "I'm not allowed to go anywhere near the city or you'd have to worry that I won't come back because they've put an end to my life. What have I been fighting for all this time?" Without you realising it yourself, your voice rises and you become louder. "I try to do something good, to achieve something, but nothing happens. I can't do anything. What am I doing here? What did I do in Marley? Why does everyone hate me?", the last words are more of a whisper and you feel tears welling up in your eyes. Your emotions overtake you. The anger slowly fades, leaving a bitter, nauseating taste. You are so pathetic. Your life is useless, you are useless. You stand in the office of the man who is your superior, who is supposed to look after you so that you don't betray anyone, who hates your people from the bottom of his heart and who brings out feelings in you that shouldn't be there. Your body begins to shake slightly and you wipe away individual tears. What has happened to you since that moment in the tent? You feel as if you are losing sight of your purpose, the one thing that drove you to keep living.

"I don't hate you."

You look at him in surprise. His body looks tense and you regret having such an outburst. Levi is not really one of the people you should and would pour your heart out to like that. Suddenly you feel terribly small and stupid. While you have confided in each other more and more little things over time, such outbursts of emotion is still unusual. Especially since Levi very rarely lets you see through his shell. He probably just wanted to be nice and didn't expect you to pour your heart out to him right away.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have burdened you with this." You straighten your figure and smile at him. "If anything should be the matter, don't hesitate to let me know". With these words, you turn and open the door. You want nothing more than to leave this room and escape from this uncomfortable situation.

Before you can take a single step, it slams shut again. Immediately you tense up and freeze. Your eyes widen in shock and surprise. His hand is right next to your head and his body is leaning against the wood. His presence is strong and warm and you feel the need to fall backwards against him. Your belly does somersaults and the butterflies come to life. Slowly, as if in slow motion, you turn towards him and immediately press yourself against the door behind you. He is close, much too close, much closer than you suspected. His eyes sparkle at you, the grey has turned to silver which darkens as you return his gaze. You feel trapped like an animal about to be eaten by its hunter.

" You are talking bullshit, idiot," his warm breath swirls over your skin, his dark voice even deeper than usual. You expel a long-held breath and your nails dig into your skin as you form your hands into fists again. The tension between you is huge and the air is about to crackle. Your heart beats with strong, firm thumps against your ribcage. If it keeps up like this, it's going to jump out.

"Yeah, you think so?" you murmur, licking your dry lower lip. You press harder against the door as his gaze lands on your lips. Your chest almost aches from the hammering of your heart. You feel as if you are about to throw up. Your nerve endings tingle with anticipation. Very slowly his head moves towards you. If this is a dream, you don't want to wake up, ever. The movements are barely noticeable and you hold your breath again.

"Yes, I think so," he murmurs, stopping in front of your face. His silver eyes meet yours and a deep, strong feeling runs through you. He sees something in your eyes just before his lips touch yours. You don't dare move. The touch is light as a feather and your eyes close to take it in fully. His lips are much softer than you expected. They move like wings against yours and your eyes roll into your skull. Despite the light touch, whole emotions wash over you that you can barely tell apart. Lust, loss, happiness, sadness, desire, restraint. They swirl through your head and make you dizzy. He leans closer against you and you can't suppress the soft moan that escapes you. His body tenses, but he doesn't flinch. Instead, the kiss becomes more decisive, stronger. His tongue licks over your lower lip and you collapse inside. Another moan comes from you, this time a lot louder and you open your lips, greedy to get more, to taste more. The kiss breaks away, leaving you both breathless. Your head spins and all your weight falls against the door, your legs wobbly. You can't deny that you've thought about scenarios like this many times.

And your eyes meet again and your heart aches for a brief moment as you can see something in them. "This shouldn't have happened," you sum up your train of thought and speak it. The sentence hangs between you. You see the approval in his eyes, but his body makes no move in it. His chest rises almost as fast as yours and his expression is inscrutable. It almost seems as if he is fighting an internal battle, "You're right, the risk is too great."

Your head is screaming at you to leave, to say goodbye here and now and step through that door. You need to get some distance. This must never, ever happen again. Please, please go. Your head repeats these words over and over. But your gut...

"Would you take the risk again?"

Not even a second passes after you have uttered the sentence. Not even a second passes before his lips land on yours again. This time it is completely different. The kiss is more brutal. Immediately his tongue snakes between your lips, finding its way into your mouth. You play with each other as you cling to his shoulders to keep from falling over. His arms wrap around your waist and he pulls you against him. Your whole body is on fire as he explores your mouth with pleasure. He elicits one moan after another and enjoys the little noises you make. Your brain can barely process what is going on. What is happening here? An Eldian and a Marleyan? How can that be? Of course, it's similar with Niccolo and Sasha, but Levi is a completely different act. He was the person who even made a name for himself in Marley, a country he has never been to. He is one of the highest animals here.

He's just unbelievably perfect.

He releases the kiss and you gasp. Immediately his lips settle on your jaw before he moves further down and sucks on your neck. His tongue runs over your pulse and it takes your breath away. Is this really going to lead to that one thing? Should you really be doing this? The questions in your head give you a headache that eases as soon as he sucks on the thin skin of your neck. Slowly your head gives up, the screaming quiets and instead your gut and heart come to the fore, wanting in unison just the opposite. You want to feel him, more than this.

Awkwardly, your hands wander to his belt and you try to undo the buckle with trembling hands. All this is not so easy when you have no idea about it. To your surprise, he doesn't stop you. You can still feel the battle he is fighting inside, but it seems that his heart is also stronger. His big hands dig into your hips and he lurks above you. His mouth finds yours again and he kisses the swollen lips, sucking on them and in the same move your soul out of you. What takes you what feels like an eternity is only a few moves for him. He opens your trousers with an ease that makes your knees go weak. His hands move from your hips to the waistband and he pushes it off your pelvis. Without releasing the kiss, you slide them off your legs and feet. Goosebumps form on your legs as your overheated skin touches the cool air in the room.

His hands run over your pelvic bone, down to your thighs and caress your soft skin. A soft moan comes from him at the touch, making the butterflies in your stomach dance again. He reaches around your legs and lifts you up, his hands moving to your buttocks in the same motion and clasping it. You whimper as soon as you feel them. Never before had a man touched you like this. When should that have happened too? You have spent most of your life in the midst of war, never having had time for such things. He kneads the fat of your ass and a deep, dark moan comes from deep in his throat. The sound makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you cling to him. He holds you tightly to his body and you feel as if you are both drowning men, clinging to the last bit of your lives.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," he moans against your neck as he strokes your soft skin and pulls your ass cheeks apart.

"I know," you gasp, your eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment.

"And I'm sorry it's happening here now."

"It's okay." His hands dig deeper into the flesh and your lower body is on fire. You've never felt such lust and greed in your life.

"No, it isn't. You deserve better". With these words you feel his fingers between your legs, the fingers you had thought about so many times before, and you go insane. It is indescribable when he pulls the thin fabric aside. It is indescribable when the cool air hits your core and then his fingers brush against it. Your nails dig into the fabric of his shirt, you moan loudly against his neck and bury your face, grateful that he can't see it right now.

His fingers caress your cunt and you whimper. Your pelvis automatically presses against his hand before it disappears. And again, it is indescribable as you feel his tip between your lower lips. He smears your juice, rubbing it along his hard cock before you feel it against your hole. "I just can't hold back anymore, I'm so sorry".

You draw in air through your nose, tensing slightly. A mixture of fear and anticipation, panic and anticipation, flows through your body. Your cunt tingles and there is only one thing that can soothe that tingle.

His tip penetrates you. Your world turns upside down and you groan. Your eyes close and you focus on the sensation. In all your imaginings, secretly night after night as his eyes roamed your mind, it was never like this. The pain you wait for doesn't come. Instead, a warm, indescribable feeling flows through you. Every inch of him stretches you further, fills you. It fits so damn perfectly, like it was never meant to be any other way. When he's completely inside you, he exhales shakily and you only notice now how tense he is. A moan comes from his lips as your insides clench and you lean back, your back pressed against the door again. Your eyes meet and your mouth opens slightly. There is a slight blush on his cheeks too, barely noticeable. His eyebrows are slightly drawn together, creating creases between them, and his eyes are almost black. You lift your right hand and place it against his cheek, caressing his cheekbone. He looks so erotic. As if he can read your mind, he leans down to you and again your lips touch, but this time more gently, as if this moment is fragile.

His pelvis pulls back and he thrusts for the first time. You moan out, enjoying the feeling of being completely filled. Your kiss breaks away and he rests his forehead against yours. With your eyes closed, he thrusts against you again and again, stretching your walls, fucking you against the door. Your moans grow louder and you are unbelievably happy that the rain outside has become heavier. The whipping of the wind and the patter of the drops against the windows mixes with your sounds, almost drowning them out, making it less likely that you can be heard.

Your hands wrap around the back of his neck and you bury them in the stubble of his hair.

He searches your eyes again. Intense stares burn into your brain and the speed and hardness of his thrusts become harder. Something deep inside you stirs and you can't stop the tears that run down your cheek. They travel down your cheek and drip onto your legs, which are still tight around Levi's waist. This day is like a wild rollercoaster ride, one emotion after another overtakes you and you can hardly recover from the ups and downs. And now being fucked by Levi, for the first time in your life, leaves you speechless.

There is a tingling underneath your stomach, this time different from what the butterflies cause. You can't quite place the feeling, but you want more. Levi seems to be feeling the same way, his speed picking up even faster and his hands digging almost painfully into your ass. You stare at each other as you both moan again and again, the knot tightening and tightening. More, please more.

"I don't hate you," he whispers, repeating his words from earlier, hitting a specific spot inside you. You moan loudly and he does the same. Tears roll down your cheeks again and you are so close. His eyes watch your face and your trembling lips tell him everything. He keeps the angle, keeps bumping into that one spot that makes you fly. All the while he keeps repeating that one sentence, burning it into your minds so that you, above all, can never forget it.

"I don't hate you either," you gasp before your insides explode. It's like a firework that takes you with it. This is how you imagine flying. Nothing in your life has ever felt so good. You scream Levi's name, preaching it and clinging to it, clawing into it. Your soft walls twitch like crazy, driving Levi to explode too. He leans all his weight against you and the door, moaning as he continues to fuck you, albeit slower and slower.

As soon as you come down from your high, he slides to the floor with you in his arms. His right hand goes to the back of your head and he strokes your hair as your head rests against his neck again.

"I promise you that you will never feel lonely again."

[spinchip]

Could we hear about any ideas u may have for new fics??

Other than Never the Dark (Which may possible be going under a name change....) I dont have many other irons in the fire... hmmm, let me go look at my google docs and see

There's this fic I should probably either post or scrap I have written out. Essentially, Zane wakes up after a fight and the ninja have been replaced by imposters that look exactly like them. I'm not happy wit how it turned out honestly, which is why I never posted it. it needs too much tweaking for me to feel motivated to clean it up tho...

There's Deadlock, which was a cryptor redemption fic where he and Zane are trapped in a maze and are forced to work together to get out. I wrote out the outline but couldnt bring the pieces together in a satisfying way, so I never started it

I Long to Be is a fic I want to work on, but is difficult for me to write. it's a timeskip years into the future that is basically a slice of life era-of-peace look at how the ninjas lives are going. the story starts with Nya and Jay breaking up lol, and was a slowburn Zane/cole/Nya endgame fic... I'll post the summary:

Nya Smith is many things: Ace mechanic, the original Samurai X, the elemental master of water, a critical member of the ninja squad, and- as of 5 minutes ago- officially single.

After ending a near 6 year relationship, Nya's not sure what to do with herself. For the first time in a while, there’s no part of her future decided for her. She let's this newfound freedom guide her, throwing caution to the wind- and when that spontaneity drops her into the arms of her two best friends… well, she's not one to complain.

There are definitely more, but for the sake of y'alls dashboard i'll end this ask here before it gets too long! Thanks for asking!

[i-cant-sing]

Hey, hypothetically asking: Is there a way for me to stop feeling emotions? I mean... having them is kinda hurting me at times. I usually have trouble expressing myself but then I stumbled across your blog and I decided to give it a shot. I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you with this, I just need to vent feelings to someone. My school's adding so much of stress in my life for me, I keep having test after test and I guess I'm scared that I'll be a failure if I fail. And on top of that, I barely get 4 hours of sleep everyday because of all the extensive notes I always keep writing and we keep getting various projects. Oh, and I guess you could say that I'm also kind of a loner? I also don't know why it's so hard for me to love someone either platonically or romantically. I guess it's because I'll never be good enough and I might be scared of attachment. I might have philophobia the fear of love but at the same time, I'm also scared of being alone. Wow, isn't that ironic? Sometimes I feel like the pain in my chest is getting too heavy, I feel like giving up... but then the only things that's keeping me sane are the fics that I write everyday. And another ironic thing: I keep giving people advice on things like not giving up on life and having faith that things will get better but I'm not so great at following my own advice. Then again, no one ever is

Sorry I dumped my feelings on you, I know some people might think I'm being over dramatic and making a big mountain out of a mole hill or I could be an attention seeker. But after writing this, I kinda feel half better and once again, damn... this thing was really long

This feels like my past self sent this to me lol. Anyways, anon I'm not really great at giving advice, and I'm not really good at expressing emotions either, and I'm 20 and in college, so I haven't got my shit figured out yet.

Look I know how stressful school and exams can become, and believe me, the older you grow, you're gonna have other kinds of stressful problems. But... I suppose the way I've dealt with pretty much any difficult situation, especially during exam season, is to talk to myself. And it honestly helps me figure out a lot of things in life, and also helps give myself reality checks and realise when I'm in the wrong. It's also very entertaining too. So, be your own therapist, your own motivator.

You know, I once failed a really big, important test- actually 3 exams. But even at that time, while I was sitting in the dark, listening to Renegade by Styx, I told myself: "This too shall pass." That no matter how bad things seem, bad situations don't last forever.

Now, worrying and stressing over your studies/school won't do anything. Whenever I feel like I'm about to breakdown, I clap my hands and then focus on palms, take deep breaths and tell myself "I got this." But as students we are bound to be burnout, so I recommend listening to music in the dark, taking a walk, or even reading some short story or something. We all need a little escape from reality, that's why fiction is my favourite genre.

I highly recommend that you take some days off from school or at least a break from studying, because in the longterm you'll study more this way. You may think that you would fall behind like this, say maybe by 20%? But you'd still be 80% prepared, and that's way better than not taking a break and falling behind by 30%.

You sound like a teen and let me tell you girl, you can literally do nothing to stop yourself from embarrassing yourself. Nothing. I cringe everytime I go to my Facebook and see the kind of teen I used to be🤮🤮🤮 I'm not like that anymore 😭 But important thing to remember is that everyone else is also constantly worried about embarrassing themselves, so they probably don't even remember what stupid thing you did.

Man just chill out a bit, like physically tell yourself to chill out when things start piling up. Like take a nap, listen to music, read some fics then get back to studying. Worry about relationships later, you got your whole life for that. Don't worry about what others are thinking, just focus on yourself.

U said u write fics? Anon, send the link🔪