#ironically i'll be motivated to do more life things probably

[coffeebanana]

i have such a weird difficulty balancing real life productivity and creative productivity. like when if i'm having a day where i'm getting lots of things done irl, even if i block out 30m to write and i have the time, i'll be too tired or uninspired to get myself to do it. i'm basically overwhelmed by the concept of doing Real Life Things and Writing Things in one day i almost need to carve out entire days for writing if i want to really get any done. and kjfdnkj that then keeps me from getting life things done because i get into a writing cycle and i can't get myself to stop neglecting real life until i finish the chapter/oneshot/draft/etc... i'm working on. which can take days. and then it's harder to motivate myself to get back to the Real Life Things

[chaoticneutralgood2627]

Advice to College Students (From someone who's trying to apply for a master's program)

Note that these are in no particular order and from my own particular experience. I will add if I think of more.

TAKE NOTES ON EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY IF YOU FIND IT COOL: your brain will tell you 'I'll remember that fact, it's so neat!' Your brain is a BITCH. You will not remember SHIT. Take ALL the notes. If you can record your classes, even better!

Write down who your professors are for each class. Make a big document. All the years. Write them. Write down their vibes and if you like them. Write down what sort of assignments they gave. Because I'm over here trying desperately to remember which professors I had multiple classes with so I can beg them for recommendations.

Save your assignments. Even if they're horribly cringey. You can use this to gauge how far you've come. I know it hurts your soul. I have fanfic from when I was 12. Do it anyway.

When they tell you the grad school shit, pay attention. Even if you don't plan to go back to school. Because I didn't listen and now I have changed my mind and I have no recollection of that section of school.

Networking. Gather contacts from your classmates. If for no other reason than because you think they're intimidating and you don't want your LinkedIn to look depressing. They're probably just as intimidated by you. And if not, you can pretend they are.

College is not high school. Next to no one has friends at first. Everyone is a disaster. Talk to people. You might not find Your People in your first friend group. That's fine. There are people there somewhere that can make life less awful. The worst they can say is no, you can't be friends with us (and most people aren't that bitchy). The universe is big and no one is judging you harder than you are.

It's not that friends Can't Live Together, it's that people have different organization styles and needs for survival and sometimes those Do Not Mesh. If you're going to live with someone, make sure that you have talked about things.

Everything can go on a resume if you word it right. Editing a friend's paper? Congrats, you have editing and tutoring experience. Playing DND on weekends? Cooperation and teambuilding to work towards a common goal, sometimes in the face of creative differences (your friends want to Fight Everything and you want to Stay Alive (or reversed)). EVERYTHING CAN GO ON A RESUME.

There are so many resources on campus. Use them, for the love of god because then you're going to be an adultier adult and realize that there is not a med center right across the campus.

Find what motivates you. Mine is spite, I am applying to grad school to get out of retail and to spite 2 specific supervisors. Cling to that when you want to drop out and quit.

There is not a specific route to take in college. Or out of college. Listen to yourself rather than everyone's advice (I am aware that this is ironic to be on an advice post).

If you think you can wake up at 9 after like 4 hours of sleep, that is the devil talking to you. Go to bed.

On the same note. I am aware that you woke up at like 5 for high school. You will not want to exist before noon. 8 am classes are not illegal, but they should be.

Take care of yourself. You're paying a shit ton of money to be there, you can take an hour to eat the food. Plus, if you take care of yourself, then you will work better.

There will be weird shit happening all over. Just roll with it. Unless it's hurting someone or has the potential to hurt someone (my one friend got stalked).

You are not required to stay somewhere social if it's creeping you the fuck out or if you aren't comfy. I think I went to a single party in my entire college life and I hid in the corner with their illegal kitten the whole time.

Speaking of illegal kittens. If you know someone has an illegal kitten, no the fuck you do not. There probably will be at least one. And you do not know about it.

[lockpickingliar]

Ouma Kokichi (Gemini) on DICE

Everybody and their dog knows that if there's one thing a Kokichi cares about more than anything, it's DICE. It's almost universally accepted that it's like a family to him. It's where he belongs.

My DICE is no different, but I'll have you know I've never seen those hooligans pictured in my motive video in my life. Not in the game, at least. My motive video was very different. For starters, we had sixteen member, not ten. I'm sure it doesn't take much to realize what that implies for me.

We were all DICE. I can finally say that now.

I was the only one who remembered, as some cruel way to twist the knife. They changed things about all of us to make us unpalatable to one another. Made my tendency to lie a compulsion that made sure no one would believe me if I managed to tell them.

And I tried to tell them.

I told Kay that I knew her point blank once, before she died. But then the conversation meandered on and I tripped over my own compulsion and backpedaled. Yeah of course I knew her, we met just the other day when we all woke up here.

A lie.

I tried a different approach. I tried to re-recruit her. That didn't go much better. She didn't trust me, for obvious reasons, and easily turned down my offer because I couldn't stomach any more truth than that it was a secret organization. How suspicious.

It's not her fault, though. She didn't remember, and they changed us. They made it so no one would accept me as a leader. Isn't that ironic? Their former supreme leader, now shunned and demonized despite his best efforts to keep everything from falling apart.

Kay and Ran were super close, like siblings, y'know.

Rumi and Ryo were practically married.

Kiyo and Ten loved to discuss gender philosophy together. An painted them during a chat, once.

Go and Miu liked to bond over a joint.

Kai and I...

Well, every good leader needs a second in command.

We were all one big group. A family. Maybe a polycule if you wanna call it that, although everyone had one or two people they were particularly close with.

As you can imagine, we didn't sign up for Danganronpa. I'm not sure such a franchise even exists. It was probably just a cover to confuse us, or hell, maybe that's not how it ended at all. I wouldn't know. I'm dead now.

I do have a pretty good idea of who might've orchestrated it, though, just based on the mocking facsimile they made as our so-called "backstory plot".

A group aiming for the stars to make the world a better place...? Well, we did have Project Stargazer in the works. I wonder who might've had a vested interest in ensuring its failure?

We were a group with direction. We had a goal, and projects to reach that goal that we were working tirelessly toward. A post-tragedy world is a pretty scary place. In the midst of so much chaos that the Tragedy caused, only one organization had the power and resources to take on the task of reconstruction, which is all well and good.

Not so much years after the fact, when everything is still controlled by them.

If you want something rebuilt, you better hope they're in agreement, or you'll never get the assistance. They have their own agenda, and they take full advantage of their reputation as the sole saviors of the world.

Even better that they have the Ultimate Hope on their side to sway the public's opinion of them.

Have you figured out who I'm talking about yet?

I've gathered that in fandom, the common consensus is that the Future Foundation is a force of good. I'm sure that's the common consensus among the public back home, too.

I'm in the minority, and that's why I founded DICE in the first place. This might just be me, but I think it's kind of shady for a single organization to have a global monopoly on the reconstruction of the world. The people should have a choice between multiple, so that everyone's bases are covered and we don't fall into the trap of reforming the world into a single ideal that overlooks those in need.

DICE was gunning to be that alternative.

We were small, but that made it easier to fly under the radar. Ran, Kiyo, and Go would go on expeditions to other countries, searching for survivors, helping to rebuild in underdeveloped places that Future Foundation overlooked, and cataloging the regrowth of ecosystems--bug life in particular.

Kay, Himi, and An were our public outreach team, using the arts to sway the public in a subtle way. Maki would often accompany them for protection.

Rumi, Ryo, Ten, and Tsu were our intel team, with Rumi working as a maid for so many important people, Ryo and Ten in the sports sphere making connections at sporting events, and Tsu who could infiltrate directly with her cosplaying skills all snooping around to gather intel about whatever Future Foundation may be up to. They would report back to Shu, who was good at keeping tabs on things like that with his detective skills.

Miu and Kiibo--who was built by Miu herself, not whoever the fuck Ibadashi is--were the biggest contributors to keeping our HQ functional, redeveloping surrounding areas in no-man's land, as well as developing the tech for Project Stargazer, which I spearheaded, but Kai as the Ultimate Astronaut had the most directive power.

See, we were gonna start another space race. A post-tragedy rendition of who could get back to space first. To raise global morale and put us on the map as a direct competitor to Future Foundation that people could lean on for reconstruction. That was our goal, to break Future Foundation's monopoly on was stays and what goes, what's hope and what's despair.

And they didn't like that. They didn't like it one bit.

I don't know how they found out about us. I can imagine it had something to do with another project of ours--Project Defect--but one way or another they did, and that was when they came for us.

I imagine it pretty closely parallels what they called the "Ultimate Hunt" in their fun little fantasy story.

We were captured, changed, and plunked into a killing game where no one remembered how close they were.

Shu's confidence was erased, making him a meek shell of himself.

Himi was turned into an infuriating layabout who actually believed and insisted that her magic was real--once a mere running joke we all shared.

Maki reduced to a recluse and a killing machine, all her work to overcome her trauma from having her care for others trained out of her eradicated.

Kay's optimism was turned toxic and her memories twisted. "Piano Freak", a fun little jab we gave her (we ALL had a mean but fun-spirited nickname like this), turned into a foundational point of bullying and torment.

All the work Ran did to learn to manage his personal symptoms of chronic boredom, risk-taking, struggling to connect with others, and anger were stripped from him, leaving him desperate for intrigue and unable to look to anyone to support.

Rumi's devotion to the great good was poisoned, and she didn't even realize that it was the love of her life that she sacrificed for a faulty memory of being prime minister.

Ryo died thinking he had no one, even though he was surrounded by people he used to know and care for, and who all cared for him.

An was made into a caricature of her own culture, something she used to hold so dear to her as the last surviving member of her people.

Ten's trauma was used against her to make her into an intolerable bigot and strip her of the nuance she used to believe was so important.

Kiyo's sister's memory was outright bastardized to turn him into a serial killer, all his devotion to maintaining her shrine in his room reduced to a mere fetish.

Go's upbringing mocked and spat in the face of his intelligence, robbing him of the communication skills and eloquence he learned from Kiyo on their travels together.

Miu's care and dedication to her work was usurped to inflate her self-importance to unhealthy levels without anyone feeling like she'd earned it.

Kiibo reduced to a dense bucket of bolts with his learning capabilities drastically reduced--not to mention that he likely had to undergo constant brainwashing from the signals he received from the dumb antenna they added to his head.

Tsu... who they ironically turned against us from the start as a spy of their own, completely tricked into assisting with their entire scheme to tear us apart.

And Kai... My dear, sweet, intelligent Kai, second in command and love of my life, Ultimate Astronaut and project director for our most ambitious plan... turned into a brazen, narrow-minded bully and made to hate me and everything I stood for until it was too late.....

I don't blame them. I don't blame any of them, because they changed them. They couldn't help it if that was the reality they remembered. Nothing I said would have made a difference, either coming out as a lie or taken as a lie because they changed me, too. Made me into a liar who couldn't stop lying even when it mattered.

And so it was the end for us. We tore ourselves apart. Hook, line, and sinker, and even if there was nothing I could do to stop them, that doesn't make it feel any less like a failure to me. A failure to bring DICE--my family--back together before I had to watch them kill each other.

There was a point where I gave up. Figured a mass death would be best, to put us all out of our misery. I'll never forgive myself for using Go and Miu the way I did to accomplish that, just to fail yet again.

And then I died failing.

I don't know if there are any survivors, like in the game. I don't know if I want to know. If there are, I'm not sure I want to see them. I don't want them to know, don't want them to realize the horrors of what they just went through. That most of their family is gone.

But at the same time...

I miss them. I miss everyone, and I desperately want my family back.

DICE is finished, but I don't want it to be.

[itsohh]

Despite Part 7

A/N: Female reader, admittedly I actually have a 100 page document (the draft, its certainly increased with the edits of posted chapters but then theres a scenes that I don't think fit quite right) that I did a while back with this story and I just kinda lost motivation to edit it cause I didn't really think anyone was interested. I think I also just struggled a lot with the overall 'ending' of where I got up to in my draft and couldn't decide on how I wanted the new arch to go but!!! if you like it darling I'll face my demons for ya. (the demons are editing)

Summary: You make do of your word and go out for drinks with your co-worker.

Warnings: None

Word count: 1917

AO3 Masterlist Part 6 Part 8

“After all this time. I found you.”

If there was something that you always took pride in, it was that you were a woman of your word. When you gave someone your word, you meant it. Which is why you were unfortunately being dragged along with Chris. The agreement had long since left your mind, other matters such as Irons behaviour and then your night with Albert had overtaken any other focus from that day. 

So when Chris reminded you about your agreement, you were rather unhappy to follow through with it. You didn’t voice that annoyance to the man too much though, it was something that just bounced around in your head. On the more fortunate side of things, at least the bar wasn't too far from the police station. It was close enough that the small gaggle of you decided to walk over driving. No doubt at least a couple of them would get drunk enough to taxi home. 

Chris had slung his arm over your shoulder and had a rather wide grin plastered on his face. Normally you would have ducked under his arm but there was a level of comfort that came with it. A level of protection that you only normally felt with Albert or in the field. You couldn't deny, it was nice. It was almost a reminder that there were people that cared when you let them. 

A fact that pressed against your desire to keep your private and professional life separate. Your mind flashed back to that moment with Irons against your will but it was promptly removed when Chris’s side arm squeezed you slightly. “You alright? Your face paled. If going out for a drink freaks you out that much-” His voice was lowered so the rest of your co-workers who walked behind you couldn’t hear.

“No, no, it's fine. Just um work getting to me for a moment. I’m alright.” You reassured the man with a slight stumble over your words. His brows softened and he nodded his head with a gentle smile. 

The tall man pushed open the bar door and you were met with a less than impressive place. No doubt the place was old and probably broke a few health and safety laws. Mentally you made sure not to order anything from the kitchen. 

The place wasn't filthy by any means and when you looked over to the bar it looked clean. However, you didn't trust what was behind closed curtains. A few eyes went towards the group of you, it didn't help that Frost and Burton were having a rather loud disagreement behind you.

Those eyes fell on you, some didn't care but a few piqued their interest onto you. Curiosity and lust were obvious on a few of their faces. You could feel the way that they sized you up from their spots. Right away you noticed that there weren't any women in the bar aside from yourself and Jill. It caused a tension to tighten in your chest but you didn’t say anything. You swallowed and pushed the feeling down and reminded yourself of what you were capable of. If you could handle being a doctor, you could handle a bar. 

Most of the patrons looked away or lost interest when their gaze fell on Chris’s arm around your shoulder. Perhaps that's why he had done it. A silent warning. Chris by no doubt knew that you could look after yourself but the action prevented any trouble to begin with. The concept was simple and smart, you had to hand it to him. It only made you think of what Jill must have been through the first time she had stepped into such a bar. 

“See that booth over there?” Chris pointed to an empty booth in the corner. 

“Yeah?”

“That's our one.”

“You can't own a booth, Chris.” Your deadpan tone mixed with a roll of your eyes. 

“You can when you save the owner's daughter,” Burton spoke up and you watched as he overtook you and Chris and headed towards it. Burton gave you a small side salute and slipped into the decently sized booth. 

You and Chris headed towards the main bar and you raised a brow. “What's the story behind that?

“Oh, the usual.” Chris removed his arm from your shoulder and leaned his back against the bar. The bartender was busy with another patron. “Barry was out with his wife and girls when the owner’s girl, Jessie, was on her way home with her friends. She was in the passenger seat and happened to be going through the intersection when another man ran a red.”

“Shit.” You swore under your breath and he continued.

“He hit their car directly on the side. No one was in the backseat but Jessie was in the front seat where it hit.”

“Was she alright?”

“Luckily the car crumbled around most of them and protected them. Fancy new rich car, but she still got impaled. Barry was the first on the scene. He got his wife to call in on a nearby payphone while he took control of the scene until paramedics arrived.”

“I presume a happy ending?”

“Nearly wasn’t. They said if they hadn’t moved fast she would have bled out.”

“Damn. So is that why you guys come here?”

“We come here because it's the closest bar to the precinct. First night we come in Barry goes up to order and then bam! Out walks Johnathan, the owner and in the loudest possible voice he goes: “Is that Barry Burton?! You take any seat in this building it's yours, all drinks are on the house for you my friend.” 

You laugh quietly at Chris’s shitty impression of the man's voice. “So yeah, he gets free drinks and a reserved booth.” 

The bartender promptly approached the pair of you after Chris finished his story. Instead of asking what Chris wanted, he placed a few drinks already made on the counter. Three bottles of beer, a glass of wine and an old-fashioned. Chris dug out his wallet and put a few notes on the counter but before you or the bartender could speak he spoke up. 

“And a cranberry for the lady.” He gestured to you with his head. 

“Not the nicest place for a date.” The bartender hummed and Chris shook his head. 

“This here is Doc. She's the one who always has to clean up after us.”

“Ahhh. I've heard only good things and Chris complaining that you wouldn't come out.” The bartender leaned forward and with a hushed voice continued. “But I don't blame you this place is a shit hole.” He winked before he stepped back to get you your drink. 

“How did you know what I would order?”

“Come on, I'm not that blind. I pick up on things.” 

“Uh-huh.” You raised your brows.

“A few months ago, you got me to get you your water bottle when I noticed there wasn't water in it.”

“So you checked?” You scoffed in disbelief. 

“I thought it might be wine. It wasn't. I saw a cranberry bottle in the fridge a few times and put the pieces together.” He smiled and you rolled your eyes. 

“Who knew Chris Redfield was such a snoop.”

“What can I say I'm good at my job.”

“Is that why Wesker and Irons are always complaining about you?” 

“Ah Wesker complains but he secretly loves me.”

“Sure.” 

The bartender came back with your drink. Chris picked up the three beers in one hand and grabbed the old-fashioned fashioned while you grabbed your own drink and the glass of wine. The pair of you went over to the booth without trouble and he placed the beers on the table and then the old-fashioned in front of Barry. 

You slipped into the booth next to him. It seemed that the three of you were the first ones there. It didn't take long for that to change thought. Jill soon approached with Joseph and Brad. They were quick to take all their drinks and Brad seated himself on a stool at the end of the booth. There was enough room for him to join you all in the booth but he seemed to prefer the stool.

“So what's the great occasion?” He looked towards you. 

“Chris finally wore me down.” 

“Well shit. Here's to Chris’s persistent ass, it's great to have you here Doc.” Barry raised his drink up and the group was quick to clink drinks. 

There was a smile on everyone's face and a couple of cheers in agreement. Despite your dislike for mixing work and your personal life you couldn't help the warmth that blossomed in your chest. It had you pause and you didn't stop the smile that formed on your face. It was nice to be wanted. It was nice to feel safe.

“Hey Doc.” Chris’s low voice caught your attention after everyone took a sip of their drinks and broke into conversation 

“Yeah?” 

“Just in case you have changed your mind, I know what you said earlier but if you ever want to head out, give me a heads up and I'll help you get home.”

“Oh, that's not necessary.”

“No no, I got you to come on, it's my responsibility to make sure you get home safe and happy.”

You opened your mouth to refuse again but the look on his face made you close your mouth again. “Alright. I’ll let you know if I do.” 

Your head turned towards Joseph and tuned into his conversation only for a moment to figure out what he was talking about. It seemed he was debating about weaponry with Brad.  

“Hey Jill?” You caught the woman's attention and she looked towards you. Aside from Chris, she was the closest one next to you. 

“Did anyone ever end up looking into what happened to Irons assistant? The one that stopped showing up to work?” 

“No, I don't think so. I think it got written off that she just left town.”

“Probably the pressure of the job.” Chris joined the conversation. 

“Why?” She asked. 

“I just have a bad feeling about the situation but I don't want to draw attention to it.”

Jill glanced towards Chris for a moment and you could see she digested your comment with complete trust. “If I hear anything I'll tell you okay?”

“I'll keep an eye out too.” Chris paused for a second, a hesitation before he asked. “Did you see something? Did something happen?” 

“I don't trust Irons but it's fine, Wesker's handling it.” 

“As much as he's a hardass at least he looks after us.” Jill nodded. 

“God will you two shut up? You're both wrong.” Barry's voice cut through both conversations and your head whipped towards him. His words weren’t directed at you but at Brad and Joseph.

“But-”

“No, I swear you two argue about this every night. Can't enjoy my goddamn drink.” Barry grumbled and Chris slapped a hand on the man's shoulder in support. 

“Sorry, what's the argument about?” You asked and both Chris and Barry let out a groan. You snuck a sip of your drink just in time for Brad and Joseph to speak over each other. Both trying to convince you of their own opinions. Their words jumbled together and you couldn’t help but let out a small laugh under your breath. Chris’s brows softened and you saw him relax into his chair, a smile on his face. 

[unlucky-leek]

I'm still really struggling with the whole novel writing thing. I'm gonna ramble a bit so you can ignore this if you want lol

Basically I've realised that I keep settling on an idea, doing a bunch of research / planning, getting super into writing it for a while, and then lose all motivation as soon as I reach some sort of roadblock. For example I'll be like "OK cool, so how do we get from plot point A to plot point B...", but then the more I start trying to come up with solutions, the more I start overthinking everything, and then I end up in this spiral of "that doesn't make sense, the characters wouldn't do that, that's too cliché, that's just a dumb excuse for x, y, and z, no-one would read this or take this seriously, imagine the negative reviews, etc etc", which I *know* is dumb because I've been writing for *years* and ever since I was a literal child I've had people complimenting my story telling and writing style. Even my fanfics have had a lot of nice comments from people. And it gets worse than that - I occasionally find forgotten collections of my own writing from over a decade ago and I'm like "damn, this is actually really good, how did I do that?" And then I get miserable because I feel like younger me was writing much better than current me, and I don't know how to recapture that.

I think a major issue I have is that my characters tend to take on a life of their own, and then it becomes hard for me to make them do things I know they wouldn't do, which makes changing and adapting the story much harder once I've established them. On the flip side, if I don't do that, then I don't feel invested in them and can't be bothered writing their story, which also sucks.

Something that simultaneously keeps impressing me and annoying me is my writing from 2016-2017. As it turns out, I wrote a LOT that year. There's so much, and I love re-reading it because it feels like I'm reading someone else's work (maybe that's a dumb thing to say, idk). But the problem is it's all half finished or random short stories that will never fit in anywhere. It's so mystical and philosophical, full of dark themes, pondering existence, fairy tale like settings... But none of it is finished, and now I feel like I can't do it justice.

There's a story I started back then that I'm desperate to finish but it's so philosophical that I get sad every time I try to work on it, which sounds ridiculous, but it is what it is lol (it's based on the concept of Tulpas if you know what they are).

Then there's the story I've had going on in my head since 2008. I've written a few scenes for it here and there, but the damn thing spans over 3000 in universe years and almost 20 irl years, how the heck are you meant to condense that into a book?? I tried writing a new story set in the same universe, but it just didn't feel right. Ironically they're the characters I feel most comfortable writing about even though I can never publish anything about them (probably).

Then there's one I've been working on recently that was based on an old fanfic story of mine (the original plot, not the characters), but I keep getting paranoid that I can never publish it because the original fanfic from 2011 is still out there. Are original adaptations of fanfics you wrote a thing? Would people sneer at it?

Then I have a random other story I got pretty far with but realised I don't know enough about the themes or the community involved to write it respectfully, so I've temporarily given up on that for now too.

I've kind of ended up in a bit of a slump I guess. In no small part due to the fact that since 2017 I just haven't had as much time to write as I'd like, and if I do I overthink it all and don't actually write anything. Or I'll be spending time doing other things I enjoy and an annoying thought will be going "you could be using this time to write", and then I just feel annoyed at myself.

Maybe I should just start with a short story collection or something... At least I know I'm relatively good at those. Or maybe I'll push through the sadness it causes and just work on the Tulpa one at last.

Not sure why I'm writing this to be honest, I think I just needed to get it all down to clear my mind.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, I hope to have an actual story for you to read one day!

~03/10/2024

[thisworldisablackhole]

nothing,nowhere. Hell or Highwater

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌑

FFO: COUNTRY, EMO, ALEX G, DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL / LISTEN

Country is back in. It has been for a while. Everyone wants to be a cowboy these days. The undercurrents of americana that pervade popular music have never gone away, but many artists over the past few years have been pushing their over the top characterizations of cowboys and countryscapes back into the mainstream by fusing the genre with electronic based pop and rap. Lil Nas X, Oliver Tree, hell, even Beyoncé has seen the potential in this fusion. In a way, it almost feels a little bit late for singer-songwriter and emo-rap-metalcore extraordinaire Joe Mulherin to be hopping on the trend, but I'm not sure if anyone has so unabashedly mixed alt-country and emo pop like this before.

Hell or Highwater is the newest entry in the series of Joe Mulherin doing whatever the fuck he wants since leaving Fueled by Ramen and regaining ownership of his career. He already dropped a full length record of emo rap bangers earlier this year, and now, almost as if to flex his new found creative freedom, he's switching things up with nine sad, manure scented acoustic tracks. "John Wayne (I Wanna Be A Cowboy)" kicks things off with a reminder that Mulherin is, in fact, a millennial, and his perspective as a 30 something year old struggling with motivation and trapped in cycles of late night doom-scrolling definitely shines through in the lyrics. Somber strums of the guitar accompany him as he sings "I wanna be a cowboy, but I sleep too late. I stayed up all night watching Walmart fights on my phone". At face value, it's a bit cheesy, but the message of desperately wanting more for yourself yet having too much executive dysfunction to take those steps is honest and easily relatable for the modern age. Don't worry though, not every song is so on the nose with it's tiktok generation pandering. Fourth track and one of the biggest album highlights, "In The Country", hits us with the beautiful cry of the harmonica and a much less obvious approach to discussing depression and the yearning to escape to a quieter, simpler life.

I'd be remiss not to mention that there is still a small hip hop influence on this album. "Hydrangeas", "Cliché Lovers", and "Honey" all feature some 808s and trap hi hats, but Mulherin's sad cowboy persona still remains at the core of these songs, and these elements blend so seamlessly into the rest of the album that they hardly feel out of place, especially if you are already familiar with the previous work of nothing,nowhere. These songs bring a sort of mixtape feel to the album, and while they aren't the star of the show for me, they act as nice segues between the more countryfied moments. Things really get kicked up a notch near the end of the record with bombastic choruses in a slacker visage like early Dashboard Confessional meets Rocket-era Alex G. Closing track "New England" ends things off on a particularly high note, starting with the lone riffing of an electric banjo before drums, acoustic guitars and blues slides all drop into place. Mulherin throws a slight twang on his voice as he recites some of his most muddy truck lovin' lyrics to date, "Well, I know that backroads and dirty clothes just ain't for everyone. So, you take the city lights and skyline, give me a setting sun". It's probably the most cowboy cosplay moment on the whole album, but in the midst of the trees and cornfields still lies an explosive, tearjerking chorus of lost love that could make me weep. Mulherin has always had a knack for hooks and catchy choruses, and this song further exemplifies the fact that he could easily make a career in writing chart topping hits if he wanted to.

I'll admit, I wasn't expecting to fall in love with this album. My personal relationship with country music has gone from ironically blasting "Fix A Drink" by Chris Jansen for shits and giggles, to eagerly watching Lucinda Williams live with clasped hands and open ears, but when the emo kid next door suddenly shows up on your front lawn with a cowboy hat, acoustic guitar in hand, and face painted like a clown, I think anyone would be a little skeptical. But whether it's rap, metalcore, or alt country, Mulherin never fails to write a memorable, heart clutching song. Hell or Highwater is just further proof that his song writing talent transcends borders, and—outside of the constraints of major labels—he truly can do whatever the fuck he wants.

[paytato435]

About My Blog: 5/27/2024

Hey friends, it's been a minute! I feel like most of the people who look at my ROTTMNT stuff may already know this, but I thought I'd put this post out here just for anyone new who finds this blog or maybe just didn't know. I've taken a big break from doing anything TMNT related for the last few months, and I thought I'd just take a little time to talk about why.

To make a long story short, my silly little ADHD brain has moved onto a new hobby that now takes up all my free time. I'm in a band now!

And the rest of the story goes like this: You may have noticed I've started posting about and reblogging Waterparks and MCR stuff- they've inspired me to start writing my own music. It's really exciting because I've told myself all my life that making/playing music just isn't really something I could do for whatever reason, but I've decided that was silly and now I'm nearly four months into learning to play the guitar and it's actually really fucking fun. You can follow my silly little music journey over on my band's blog: Tornado Season.

As for my fic Snapper and Stinkpot, it doesn't feel right to abandon it. I do really want to finish it at some point, but it's going to take a lot of work to get there that I just don't think I can invest in right now. There are some major wrinkles I need to iron out even if I did drop everything I am already doing with music. That being said, I will probably have to write an ending to it at some point, because I really am proud of the story I have and I think it deserves the same love and attention I gave it almost a year ago now.

Finally, to the TMNT fandom itself: I'm over it, to be honest. I love the turtles, but the fixation I had on them has long since subsided. It's just how my brain goes, I guess. I haven't watched ROTTMNT in months, and I haven't drawn anything related to it in a hot minute either. I'm ready to move onto something new.

Thank you so much to everyone I've had the pleasure of interacting with in the ROTTMNT community! You all are so wonderful and inspiring to be around. I came to Tumblr looking for a more positive social media experience, and this honestly turned out to be such a wonderful and uplifting change in my life. I am a happier, healthier, and more motivated person because of you all.

Finally, I want to give a special thank you to my friends @randyzorra, @friskebits, @allyheart707, @karonkar, and @dluebirb. Just because we have one less thing in common now doesn't mean I don't still appreciate the shit out of all of you. I'll be around. <3

And thanks to anyone who read this far or just like... liked any of my stuff on here in general. You're a fuckin' trooper. Have a beautiful today, tomorrow, and next one. o7

[sporkdoesclasspect]

how about a general analysis of a seer of void? :o

hi hi! ok so, this one ended up being kind of all over the place and doesn't cover Everything, so it's kinda more like my "random stuff" answers, but i hope it's helpful in some way! feel free to send in another ask about any specific things i didn't mention that you might be curious about!

ahem. a seer is someone who knows their aspect. they use that knowledge strategically to give themselves and others an advantage - they conceal or reveal it at their discretion, and their choices in that regard can have widespread effects on a session.

they're kind of like your classic mentor archetype who teaches or reveals knowledge that has a big impact on the plot. that doesn't mean they have to be actual teachers or academic types, it just means they typically orchestrate events indirectly, or at least tend to excel when doing so. (that's unrelated to combat, though - rose and terezi show us that a seer can be quite a fearsome foe when needed!)

void is the aspect of the unknown and unseen. it deals with absence and lack, irrelevance and unimportance, nonexistence and obscurity, loss, and all things hidden. it also touches on potential, which kind of ties into nonexistence - if void is everything that doesn't exist, then it should be within a void player's power to utilize those nonexistent things. this makes it a very vague and broad sort of aspect, covering anything that isn't, while also relating to things that are but that you just can't see or don't know about. (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, can a void player manipulate the sound?)

follow me under the readmore where i'll explore the combination of these components! :3

a seer is usually someone who, for one reason or another, seeks out their aspect in some way. this could be because they lack it, like with rose, who was deeply affected by the absence of things like attention, relevance and clarity in her life. her mother's actions were inscrutable to her, the knowledge of what exactly her guardian was doing or what she meant by it always eluding her (even though in reality it was usually fairly straightforward and there weren't any secret motivations to uncover - so some parts of this lack of aspect could probably be perceived instead of actual).

for a seer of void, they could lack privacy, maybe, forced into the spotlight. or in a similar vein, it could be secrecy/confidentiality they want. but this seeking of aspect could also be for a multitude of other reasons - regardless of whether they lack void, they probably still desire to find it, possibly due to a sort of idealization of it. terezi was dedicated to JUST1C3, a concept tied to the mind aspect through the link between choices and their consequences, while rose aspired to appear knowledgeable and perceptive - seen with her dabbling in various aspects of literature and psychoanalysis - as well as showing a fixation on the idea of relevance with her quest to give meaning and importance to her seemingly doomed session (and definitely also with the psychoanalysis again, pestering dave semi-ironically about dream symbolism and freudian slips.)

a seer of void might just really want to live up to an ideal of mystery and intrigue. they might value that sort of thing highly, and in that case it would probably be an important part of their overall philosophy. maybe they're a very theatrical sort of person who's always waiting for the right moments to dramatically reveal a plot twist they'd kept hidden. they could enjoy keeping others in the dark, being the only one who knows important info, and in that way they may be a bit of a manipulator, though not necessarily for nefarious purposes. on the other hand, they might not know any secrets at all, but they deceive others into thinking they have information and power. they'd be a master of bluffing, lying about what they know in order to convince people to tell them things. lies of omission would be right up their alley too, i imagine - what they don't say turns out to be just as important as what they do say.

or, to take it in a different direction that's more focused on potential and hidden things, perhaps they strongly believe there is a hidden meaning or purpose to everything. that could look a lot like rose in some ways, but maybe instead of trying to discover the meaning behind things, they're more the type to see meaning where there is none and not investigate further, instead just seeking out things that seem to have some secret to them without considering whether they really do. they may struggle with chasing after red herrings, be convinced an item has special powers just because it looks like it should, or fall into despair when it turns out that one terrible event really did happen for no reason. that concept could tie into the fact that a seer's hubris is inevitably their downfall, even if only temporarily; the seer of void might lead their team on a wild goose chase, thinking there must be something at the end of it for sure and turning out to be wrong, wasting everyone's precious time. it also plays on the whole "seer of nothing" thing, since the path they thought would help was actually more or less just an unlucky guess.

expanding on that, maybe they don't seem to have any special sight at first. they could be overcompensating for that by examining everything way too hard and convincing themselves that there's some secret or sign to be found everywhere they look. it may even be that they are seeing signs, but that they're signs of what could potentially be, not what is, and they have to learn to see the path to making that potential into a reality. that might sound kind of seer of hope-y, and it could probably work for that too, but void and hope kinda overlap there - i distinguish "potential" from "possibility", with potential being the ability/capacity for something that hasn't happened to happen, and a possibility being a specific outcome that could occur but might not. so a possibility has the potential to happen! but it definitely doesn't need to be defined that way - these things should be interpreted in whatever way feels right to you.

it's also worth noting that it can be a little hard to distinguish a seer of void from a seer of light. they could have near identical abilities or tendencies, depending on the person and how they view/approach their own aspect. i think paired aspects like light and void are more similar than they are different, and it really shows here. that being said, i'll give some brief ideas for powers here in the next paragraph, since this is getting long:

first of all, night vision, obviously. more esoterically, they could be able to navigate locations they've never been to, precisely because they're unknown - they're the knower of the unknown, after all, which makes things a little redundant (and also hard to pin down in a way that doesn't make them straight up omniscient). being able to sense when someone is lying, telling a half-truth, or deliberately leaving things out. maybe looking into their eyes makes you want to tell them your secrets/be honest! i feel like they could potentially be able to see entities like brain ghost dirk, since he "doesn't exist", or maybe even ghosts because they're incorporeal? they might be able tell when something Isn't present that Should be, seeing absence. like, they can just sense (or even visually see) that there's supposed to be a book in this specific spot on the bookshelf and oh look, finding the right book and putting it back opened a secret passageway! :0

hopefully this doesn't suck too bad x_x it's 5am lmao

[milfronin]

Hi Swan..... What does oldwood project consist of ?

hiiiiii sorry i've been on mobile all day and im just not going to type out a whole shpiel about this on mobile it sucks to do that.

Oldwood is my little big worldbuilding project consisting of the general premise of "Ages and ages ago, the kingdom of men and the kingdom of beasts were barred from cohorting because the reigning god the Weeper deigned it the natural order, men hunt beasts to sustain themselves, beasts hunt men to keep wit sharp. The weeper one day ceased any indication of being there so the kingdoms ignored its dogma and united, and things prospered. one day the weeper returned and saw this and was enraged by it, and in its fury struck the lands, creating an Enormous basin filled with massive, monolithic trees that swallow the sky, and the kingdoms are exiled into the forest."

[More under here]

The weeper's blow, however, left wells of aspects of its power remaining. these wells were found and discovered and they were adapted in various ways, the six of them, being flesh, love, ink, death, color, and iron. The developments led to the rise of the six houses, the houses of the surgeon, punished love, the tragic poet, the five deaths, the colored capitols, and the iron grate. [the names were derived from the titles given to certain areas of pompeii that were being excavated, i learned them ages ago at an exhibit and it was the foundation for everything.]

now the present is many thousands of years later, life has gone on, and people have learned to live in the forest of drowned joys, society has been basically established, and while the houses are not the Governing Bodies their leaders are incredibly prominent figures and their followers are typically very sworn to them, and the houses hold significant sway.

The house of the Surgeon is led by The Surgeon, a batfolk [of which are incredibly rarely seen in the forest, electing to live within the caves within the walls and beneath the basin that the forest is in] who was the runt of its litter, and always had a dubious fascination with meat, who was one of the people who was originally a part of the very first kingdoms who were actually exiled into the forest. it discovered the well of power of flesh, gaining an utter mastery over it incredibly quickly, using that to sustain itself over the years. it is one of the very, Very few people who remain who witnessed the very beginnings of the forest.

The house of Punished Love is led by the Punisher of Love, an enormous serpentfolk [who are also very rarely seen on account of the notably cool climate in the forest] who was scorned for her birth, left abandoned in the woods. she was taken in by someone else, who did not have any preconceived notions of her birth, who loved her for who she was. after his death she eventually discovered the well of love, her circumstances granting her a quick mastery of it similarly.

The house of the Tragic Poet is led by, as you can probably guess, the Tragic Poet, a large spiderfolk [once again, rarely seen, bugs are less frequently seen in the forest for the same reason as reptilian beastfolk, however they are more common than reptiles.] i'll admit i haven't developed it as much as the others but it would always write poetry, just writing and writing and writing, full to the brim of thought and finding the page its only solace. this naturally gave it easier control over the well of ink, that power granting one the ability to turn words to power.

The other three houses are a little more abstract with the heads of the houses.

The house of the five deaths is lead by five skeletons in coffins, inanimate but still very much alive, capable of communing with one another and with anyone who steps between all of them. Their background and motives are far less well known, all that's really known is that they were five very close knit people before they met their demises upon discovering the well of death, and they gather as many bones as they can.

The house of the Colored Capitols is led by the colored capitols, which are animate statues residing under obelisks in a city in a Much different clime, a sandy, stony town in a desert, all residing within a painting. One must don a veil before entering the painting, as gazing upon the colored capitols with unveiled eyes as one who comes from elsewhere will end you trapped within the painting. The colored capitols bicker between each other a lot about the origins of the painting with which they reside in, [and like everything else,] but it's generally agreed upon the prospect that there was a painter who found the well of color, used it to paint the painting, and was subsequently consumed by their work.

The house of the iron grate is led by the iron grate, or more specifically what resides Inside it. by far the most obscured of any information regarding its origin, there is a grate within a room in the bottom of the estate which is over a hole that leads into the ground. There is a ladder in the hole. If you stand on the grate, you can hear whatever is within whisper to you, if it deigns to. You will not remember what it says, what it sounds like, or anything of the sort, only what it wills. Sometimes, people are sent into the hole beneath the grate, if it is warranted. Those people do not ever return.

feel free to ask any other questions you have i have WAY more stuff this is just sorta the fundamentals ^_^

Here is the playlist for oldwood if you would like to listen to it!!!!!

in short

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #31

I went to Physical Therapy today to get my muscles mashed up. I've had to go to Physical Therapy for a long time now. Maybe I'll explain why later. In any case, though it's a necessary thing to ensure that my skeleton does not rebel further, it's still a painful thing, and I'm still kinda dealing with the aftermath of today's session. That's okay though; I ate a burger to replace any lost iron or protein, I'm staying hydrated, and I've taken some ibuprofen to minimize pain and swelling. I'm very ouchy right now, so it's a little hard to think, but if I get a good night's sleep, I'll probably grow back by tomorrow; it'll be okay, don't you worry!

I'm trying to take it easy for now though; taking it easy is important when you're injured and/or dealing with a chronic condition. I made myself some tea. Today's tea is essenced with some of your favorite scents - roses and vanilla, if that email that Zack got in Crisis Core is to be believed. It smells and tastes amazing, and the warmth of the smooth glass jar I brewed it in feels very good on my hands. I wish I could share these things with you; alas, I cannot. But, I can send along a few pictures to you. Here:

This is the tea I used. Even before it's brewed, the scent is absolutely tantalizing.

Here's what it looks like when it's brewed. It takes on a vibrant, ruby-red color. The steam coming from the jar smells so good that I almost want to disregard the fact that it's too hot to drink without getting burned!! Hahaha!

(Don't worry - I do have delayed gratification and impulse control skills; no tongues were burned in the making of this photo, I promise! ahahaha~!)

Here's how it looks after just a little bit of milk and honey are added!

It turned out even better than I expected, even though I added just a little more honey than I normally do. I think maybe you would have liked this one, too. Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking on my part? I wonder.

I know you can't answer me, but I'll still ask: Do you like tea? If you do, what kinds do you like best? And if you don't, then what do you like instead? You're at the Edge of Creation, right? And you have astounding powers by now, don't you? Even if where you're at is fresh out of milk or tea, maybe you can use your awesome abilities to conjure up something nice for yourself, no?

How are you doing over there, anyhow? Are you warm enough? Are you safe? Are you taking good care of yourself? What kinds of sights do you fill your eyes with? What kinds of sounds do you fill your ears with? What kinds of stories and words do you fill your mind and heart with? It's important to be very careful about which things we choose to engrave into our psyches in this context; we become what we eat, after all.

As for me, I suppose I'm feeling a bit pensive. I reflect upon the life I have now, and how starkly different it is from the life I knew before. For the sake of simplicity, we can say that I have 22 years of poverty and horror (though the first four years weren't so bad); as an unwanted child who was only conceived by mistake, I was violently conditioned into voicelessness and shaped into a tool to be used rather than a human being to be loved and understood. I was treated much in the same way one might treat household furniture or appliances - it gets used when it's needed, gets ignored the rest of the time, and gets either discarded or a good "thwack" when it's broken or malfunctioning, or not staying silent and out of the way like it's supposed to.

For a very long time, the closest thing I thought I could have to a "normal" life was to make myself useful to someone else so that even if I was not loved per se, someone would still be motivated to keep me around; I knew well how to make my sense of self disappear in favor of being servile, by that point. But this way of being isn't really "living", is it? No… this is barely even "existing". It's a very invisible and lonely thing, and if you're not careful, the resulting feelings will crawl into your mind, heart, and lungs, and leave you barely able to draw breath, not unlike some kind of thick, cold, black, heavy water.

But I'm sure you know a little something about all this already, don't you? You probably know even more about this than I do. I imagine that your upbringing makes mine look like a trip to Disneyworld or something. It's amazing to me that you're still here, even after all of the horror you've been through. I hope you can look at yourself and be very proud of your tenacity, determination, and resolve; watching you make use of those traits is part of how I managed to survive.

I have 11, almost 12 years of healing. I got lucky enough to meet people who were willing to teach me what it meant to be treated like an actual human being, even though my upbringing had turned me into a person who really didn't know at the time how to speak or act constructively. Safety is a very scary thing when you only know pain and chaos, and I lashed out pre-emptively often. Still, they hung on, even through all my thrashing and resistance, and I learned. Slowly but surely, I learned. I became who I am now. And I'm still becoming whoever it was that I was supposed to be, day by day.

I've discovered along the way that despite it all, you can still build a normal life out of the wreckage of whatever came before. All you need is a bit of safety and someone to show you how to handle and reassemble the jagged pieces of the version of you that was brutally broken in the past. As you assemble the pieces and bind them together again with iron will, you will certainly slice open a few fingers and burn yourself on the hot metal as you work with the things that never should have been shattered in the first place, but that's okay; it is the way of things. The pain is sharp and white-hot when you make mistakes, but you have to try not to panic as you remember that you've survived worse things.

And, as long as you don't give up, when you are done, you will have a version of you that is prismatic and kaleidoscopic - something that is both "normal" and "far more glorious than normal" at the exact same time. And isn't that beautiful? After all - no one can build stained glass windows without breaking a few panes of glass, right?

And, although stained glass windows might not be "normal" per se, as compared to ones made of single sheets of plexiglass, they're still common enough, far more beautiful to look at, and far more resistant to shattering, what with all that fancy metal adding structural integrity and all. I don't regret what happened to me. I wouldn't change it for anything. After all, it has allowed me to grow into someone who can now go and help other people who have been through similar things.

So I suppose in short… anyone can build for themselves a version of normal, and it can be good enough. Even I can do it, and I'm just some autistic weirdo living in a defective body in some ordinary place. You are far more intelligent and capable than I am. You can have that "normal" life you wished for as a boy; all you gotta do is be willing to learn what it looks like, and start to believe that you can work towards it. If you want, I'll hold your hand as you do it if you want to try, so that you don't have to be scared or feel like you're all by yourself.

Please be safe out there as you do your things, okay? I'll still be here cheering for you, in whatever small ways I can. Just make sure you don't disappear. Don't go so far away that no one can reach you anymore.

I'll write more later.

Your friend, Lumine

[rise-my-angel]

It's the people he works with that tells me he's an in-universe Targ stan, honestly. But one thing that's for certain is that he wants Targaryens back on the throne, and I don't think that that's a good motive at all, no matter what his end goal is.

I'll concede that he might see the Targaryens as a means for peace, because he intends to manipulate them into being a glue that holds the realm together, but we know that peace is near impossible when Targs are concerned. As long as someone continues to be proudly and recognisibly Targ, they'll continue to be harmful. It's in their supremacist ideology, their house words, their throne. There's no way to twist them around into becoming good rulers no matter how much of a master manipulator you are. If those are really his goals, him picking House Targaryen specifically is still a mark against him, in my books. Especially after all that has happened - It shows me that he hasn't learnt from the things Aerys and Rhaegar did, hasn't learnt from history.

To me, the reason why his beliefs seem to be opposite to what the Targaryens represent is because he's a hypocrite. That's an asset of his character that I don't think would change even when different interpretations are concerned - he says he wants to achieve peace, but bringing in a new faction fully ready, and with the intention, to wage war is the exact opposite of that. He criticises the game of thrones for hurting innocents, but he's perfectly fine with using his 'little birds'. It's possible that he sees the spilled blood as a neccesity, but ends don't always justify the means. He's complicit in the very game he claims to be against.

Him possibly being pro-Targaryen is just a continuation of that fact. How I interpret his character, he probably does not even see the Targs in the light that you and I do. He could very well think that their fire and blood is a way to keep the lords in line and assure lasting peace. The same way he uses child labor and wants to put Aegon on the throne, despite the violence and pain such acts inherently bring.

I'm so sorry if I sounded rude or mean or anything like that. I genuinely didn't mean to. Your interpretations are just as valid as mine or anyone else's. Varys not being good news is just a hill I'm willing to die on, mainly because I have a heavy dislike of Targaryen restoration - and the intentions behind why they might be restored don't really matter to me. It might be because Varys assumes he'll just manipulate them and everything will be fine, or it might be because Jon Connington has a crush on Rhaegar and doesn't want to fail the son like he failed the... abusive, rapist father. But as long as someone claims that fiery, bloody chair with and / or for the Targaryen name, I'm out. (i'm also out if that stupid fucking throne keeps existing) Any and all orchestrators of a potential restoration have my natural disdain.

Listen you're talking to someone who is very anti Targ restoration and advocates for the abolishment of the Iron Throne and Seven Kingdoms as a one united realm. I understand, I just don't think my read of Varys leans heavily into the Targaryeans

I dont think the Targaryeans is what he actually cares about rather then fitting the realm into an image he thinks is better for it then Kings passed have served it, and thats why he does what he does with who he chooses to involve. I dont agree with what hes doing, but I dont agree with the quest for the Iron Throne at all.

I was more speaking on what Aegon means narratively to the story and characters in universe, rather then my opnion on the quest for the throne he has been groomed for by people like Varys his entire life.

You didnt sound rude or anything, I just think we disagree on Varys's motives is all. Which is fine, I just don't have super strong feelings on Varys's motives specifically, rather then my feelings about his actions individually and how those actions have effected the story and characters outside of himself.

[tasticturbo]

Hello! As you can tell, it is not Tuesday but I'm writing this prematurely to distract from the denser posts I have to make! Ironically, it's another deadline. This year was an unexpected turn in the history of this blog, to say the least. It was originally made to dump drawings for the purpose of entertaining a friend, later adopting loftier scopes in mind. At the time I was a fan of weekly blogs that were still active, the idea of what it means for a character to be repeated and iterated on so much in the context of diminishing internet spaces, and was recuperating from issues to develop and see through a much heavier longtime project. The idea that it would never get completed was enough to elicit at least a little despair. A low-pressure personal project helped distract from that dread and improved the expressiveness with which I make art considerably, even if I deliberately minimized the visibility it would see. I had no expectation that anyone else would ever see it, and my uploads quickly became sparse as I had to reassess the priorities and motivation I had. The majority of the art I have made now is for this character to the point I can probably gauge my improvement through it. This year saw multiple attempts to restart this blog after it was initially deleted. More difficulties with the other project and my general wellbeing in life prompted this, but I also have had many new thoughts elaborating on how I see this character since. I don't know if I'll ever clarify the circumstances in which some of the images here were made, at least not here, but I feel now not even the most extreme situations could waver gradually developing my thoughts and little jpegs. It was good timing as well, as new official content and tie-ins spurred along with steadily inclining fanwork seemed to revive awareness of Turbo out of the blue. The initial atmosphere that I made this for has been recontextualized yet I have been surprised that my old blog had been seen by some kind people and that I've received any amount of engagement since I started this again compared to what I'm used to. It's a rare exception and makes me a little skittish, but I don't plan to delete this blog again. Between jokes and what I've made so far, I hope I can continue to work on a more coherent picture into the future so what I'm saying makes sense.

I may make another post detailing my thoughts later, I have to crunch now. This is far out of line with how I usually want to present... Still, thank you for reading. I've been pleased to see how others have used this character in their art this year, so if you make niche things worried if anyone's going to care in the way you do, know I'm silently lurking and staring at your work with my bloodshot eyes. ALSO thank you for support and everything else. Adieu !

[off-mozzarella]

Heyy... Sorry for this weird post consisting of me talking nonsense, but for the past few months I've recieved some compliments from friends and classmates about my drawings, personal and stuff for school, and it got me thinking a bit.

Kinda long post lolll

I don't like talking about myself this way bc I feel like it seems egocentric but I do share kinda negative stuff so a bit of positivity doesn't hurt lol

Being surrounded of so much art online is amazing, being able to get inspired by other people's creations and being motivated to keep creating myself. Buuut of course we are all aware of the other side. Seeing so many people with skill levels that I would love to reach but knowing I'll probably never get there, seeing that even with all the effort I've put into getting better there's some 16 y/o who is better than I'll probably ever be.

Also, starting to post has been great for me in a way, it has been very motivating to see that people out there can actually enjoy what I do, and all the nice comments make me want to create more and really raise my ego a bit sometimes lol.

But, it's easy to get dependant on interactions, and when I don't reach as many people as I would like to I get discouraged. Even though I'm aware likes don't determine if a drawing is good or not, we all know most people won't share or leave a heart on something they don't like, and it leaves me a bit insecure sometimes. Especially when I look at those drawings later and realize they're really not good, but I didn't notice in the moment, so is this thought of maybe there being not as much people interacting with my stuff means I'm not noticing something is bad.

And even when I do reach enough people and get all those happy hormones from the notes and the nice comments... Sometimes it just doesn't feel as good, it's kind of like I'm expecting it by now.

The internet comparison can get pretty intense, and the whole "only compare yourself with your past self" is really cliché, but, I do need to be a bit less hard on myself. I wanted to end this in a dramatic, mic dropping way but yeah idk lol have a drawing that completely kills the mood.

But there's something about people in real life telling me to my face that they want to have my skill. It felt more real ig? Ironically or maybe not lol. It was grounding. It got me thinking that even though I'm absolutely nowhere near where I would like to be, I think I need to appreciate more that I have built some skills and I am pretty decent at some things, at least enough to let me stand out in my circle and have people admire me in some ways.

I like drawing bodies but I couldn't make a decent face even if I was held at gunpoint lmfao

[mangodestroyer]

I moved into a dorm originally to get away from someone. But still thinking, "Maybe I'll have some support system?"

Now? Well, other things started happening. Because they always do. And now I realize that if I didn't decide to do this when I did... I'd probably be on my way to homelessness.

So... I at least have the next year planned out. I might be okay for the next two or three. I'll for sure be much more proactive about looking into ways I can fund everything and network. Hopefully, I can get a nice job out of all this (I've already been accepted for two nice part-time jobs in the meantime).

It sucks. I've been having a hard time processing everything. It feels like everything keeps getting fucked up in the stupidest ways possible (I mean... literally a lot of this is being caused by people acting stupid and dysfunctional).

It makes things a little interesting. Right now, I wouldn't exactly say that I'm "fucked." We still have some options here. And tbh, this does kind of make the idea of graduate school more appealing. If I know it will lead me into a niche that pays well, and if I'm able to find funding for it and get cheap housing (lots of fields require a master's these days for most of the good jobs).

And never in my life have I been more motivated to actually talk to and try to get to know people. I tended to keep to myself a lot when I was younger, and this year, I realized just how harmful that can be. I didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to when things started going very wrong.

And yeah, sometimes, I find myself thinking, "What if I just found a healthy partner or a really good friend? I'd have someone to fall back on if things get worse." And I know that's not healthy. And not a good way to think considering my background. I am at a high risk of ending up in toxic relationships. I DID end up in one! And you should never underestimate how much a toxic person can fuck up your life. And yeah, unfortunately, predators go for people who are uncertain or desperate. And that's just something that makes this thing all the more devastating.

Trying to improve my mental health issues, while dealing with all this, is hard. Having mental health issues can be... not great for developing healthy companionship. Healthy companionship would probably be something that helps with them tbh (just seeing that I could, in fact, bond with someone who doesn't have ulterior motives and that the world isn't a hideous place). But, you know, I'm not sure what vibe I put out these days. It's not exactly uncommon for people from an unhealthy background to have... a vibe. Whether or not they're malicious. This is why I have been educating myself on whatever issues might be coming from this, and doing what I can to take care of it. I use things that help with enhancing mood and everything. I also recently came to realize that I may be anemic and started taking iron... which has done a shocking amount to help out actually. I also look out for red flags in others. I've been studying this for quite some time. I feel like my street smarts have improved quite a bit. But ofc, I'll never be entirely sure. Like... I know I'm still sometimes ending up around people who may not be the healthiest. I have more of a desire to avoid them. More than ever, I do NOT feel right when I'm around it. On the flip side, I've talked to people for months, even years, who never gave me weird vibes. And I always come out of conversations feeling refreshed.

Guess I'll just have to see how things play out in the next three years. Despite everything, I sometimes get a good feeling that I might manage.

[offrozenmemoirs]

"Truthfully? I don't know what my life is meant to be like. Everything I thought to be my motivation beforehand was a lie, and now I don't...I don't know what to do. I've never been on my own, without a goal to really guide me. I don't know how to just...live. Hah...That's probably depressing as hell to hear, isn't it?"

Seraph sighs, leaning forward and resting his head in his hands, his dreads falling in front of his face. He's been told he has to live for himself but he doesn't know what it means to live, to find his own path. He's always had someone to guide him along, and never truly being alone, due to the various voices he learned to live with, it was stressful to deal with. He doesn't know what he wants, and sometimes, it feels like having a goal to work towards was the only way he could push forward.

"Things were easy when I lived in the cloister. Hell, it was easy when I was in training. Sure, getting used to the acceleration of time within Pharasma's realm was a bit...odd."

Especially with aging faster than he would've in their natural realm. Perhaps there was some bass to his voice that hadn't been there when he first left. The most obvious changes were to his build, going from a slender, wiry build to one that held obvious muscle. Scars that showed his newfound prowess in battle.

"I understand that everything isn't always black and white, good and evil...Hell, I understand that I could do some heinous things and there would be some who would consider me a hero for it. I have done things I'm not proud of. It just...feels wrong to me, to be jealous of someone who I have no real history with. But when I think about what Severia did...Do you know what it's like, to feel someone's blood splatter on your back, because they were turned into a living bomb? A time of celebration was turned into a battle."

Seraph sits back up, a faraway look in his eyes, fingers twitching as he slowly, unconsciously reaches for his neck.

"Feeling fingers wrap around your throat, a grip of iron, squeezing the breath from you. Imploring you to call upon someone to save you and to save others."

His voice drops to a whisper, and he places his hands back into his lap.

"I'll never forget that feeling of powerlessness. And I think if I hadn't called for my father, I truly do think the Lord of Night would've killed me then and there."

He would never confess that thought to Sino and Soup, and while he understands that it was a last resort, it didn't change the fact that now he tended to keep his neck protected much more fiercely. His armor reflected it, a gorget added to it. It wasn't exactly the Lord of Night's fault, when one of your children was trying to cause chaos because of the circumstances of her life led her down that path...And yet, she had willingly made those choices, hurt hundreds of people.

"I'm not even upset at what he did. I'm more upset about the possible consequences of Severia's actions. What that means for those who worship the Lord of Night or are under his care. Despite it all, I do consider his children I travel with friends. If something happened to Sebastian or Soot, or Sino, I would be devastated by it. And I can even understand that Severia was dealt a hand that nobody should ever have to live with...But I still hate her. I hate that she disturbed the rest of the dead, and then had the audacity to give up. She was ready to die, and everything we would've fought for would've been for nothing. If she wants to atone, then she will live, and if need be, spend the rest of her life as a spirit doing so."

To him, giving up and simply dying when you had things to atone for, was unacceptable. Sino had almost died for her, Soup had done the same, and he almost died as well.

"Maybe I'm no better, holding onto this hate."

"Do you now?" Maisie's composure falters momentarily as her retired hands raise slightly. She feels like a rabbit caught off guard, hopping from its burrow while still seated.

There is some shuffling from Seraph's end of the lake, presumably as he reaches for his belongings scattered around the grandiose bathroom of the Lord of Winter. Maisie leans in closer, teetering on the edge of her seat, her grip on the earth beneath her tightening lest she wants to fall into the lake.

Out comes a small circular shield from Seraph's possessions, one handle behind its steel build. For how much time passed in Seraph's world and how presumably plagued with fights his party must be, no dent or scratch was in its fine work. 

"It is exquisite craftsmanship; your father must have put as much care into its detail as he did with those statues," Maisie remarks, her laughter airy and soft. Yet, beneath the light-hearted banter, there lurks a twinge of familiarity—something cat-like and mischievous—something that, frankly, he may have seen on a particular other gnomish face. 

As sweet a reprieve as these memories are, at least from Maisie's perspective, Seraph's demeanor grows colder, like ice slowly creeping across window panes. At that moment, this was a confessional. 

The bathroom may carry Seraph's voice and echo through the rooms, reminding those involved of a bitter moment. The waters may reflect Maisie's melancholy to his crestfallen features, glimpsing his hand and adjusting the buckler. Nothing seemed to fit well, almost like he was still trying to grip the past. 

After a long pause, Maisie finally spoke, her words gentle yet firm. "Mister DeVinter, perhaps the Deathwatcher's path is not for you to walk yet. As I recall, this is a life anew for you. Those who work for the Lady of the Graves have spent much time living before joining the enshrouded entourage."

"As respectfully as I can say, you were cutting yourself short of life before you had a chance to begin," regret lingers in her voice. "We are shaped by the communities we belong to, by the principles and rules they impart upon us. When we try to fit into too many molds, conflict arises. 

"You are no one's scraps, Seraph," her insistence is unwavering. "You are not expendable to the point where you sacrifice any part of yourself to another's expectations. The world may not realize what you've what you've given up, and truthfully, even if it did, it wouldn't care." 

"Repressing your emotions and betraying yourself in the process only leads to ruin," she cautions.

"Live your life without betraying who you are; life is precious, and no one should be denied the chance." 

[reigenhusband]

Psychic Wedding Time!

Art by @/cowboyologist

After months of holding back, we finally tied the ole knot! Me and the conman are officially hitched today September 10, 2021!

This silly little blonde anime man means an awful lot to me and its really more than I can say. These months with him have been a great help.

When I went through some of the roughest things I've ever gone through, I had him to think about for comfort. He is a little part in what keeps me going and I wish I could thank him for everything. He sparks a lot of joy so I think I'm gonna keep him!

I've never been happier and I'm so lucky to call him husband! He's had such a positive impact and I love him so, so much.

Special thank you to my friends and of course our son Mob who carried the rings!

Under the cut is a little fic about getting ready for the wedding. Thanks everyone for your support!

Reigen squinted at his reflection, dark eyes hauntingly focused on a strand of hair that didn't take to the product he put in it. A grunt of dismay rumbled low in his throat.

"Um…Reigen?" 

"Just a second, Serizawa. Almost got it."

The taller man's voice wavered but he managed to hold fast and keep his confidence. Reigen could almost hear his hands wringing. 

"Er...Well. Its just...you've been staring at yourself for a little over 20 minutes now and you haven't moved and…"

Reigen sucked his teeth and pressed his palm firmly to the side of his head. Damned strand of hair! Slick like the rest of it! Don't you know know day it is?!

"What I mean is..! Are you alright?" Serizawa finally asked, his voice heavy with concern. "Since it's your wedding and all I figured you'd be nervous but you seem really on edge. Is something bothering you?" 

The blonde twitched.

 "W...what are you talking about? Of course not! I'm calm and-" He stopped abruptly and slammed his hands flat on either side of the mirror, his eyes wide and bloodshot upon inspection of his suit. A fleck of black thread pervaded his white vest and he looked around frantically for the lint roller. "You thought you could hide but you can't best Reigen Arataka." He muttered as he furiously went over his all but pristine wedding attire. 

His best man scratched his own cheek nervously and looked on with clear uncertainty. "If you're sure." 

Once he was satisfied after a thorough inspection and having Serizawa scrutinize the back, he dropped into a chair. Nearby was a table decorated in what was probably a thousand congratulatory flowers from clients. He exhaled and stared a hole into the arrangement of colors. His heart was pounding. His brow, coupled with his hands, were visibly slick with chilled sweat. His stomach was full of stones. 

He met his own gaze in the mirror again. He looked well kept and yet...disheveled at the same time. Come to think of it, his face was flushed the shade of his usual pink tie. The last 3 days without sleep also hollowed out dark circles under his eyes. His shirt collar began to feel more and more constricting as time went on no matter how much he tugged on it. 

Maybe he really was scared. 

He didn't doubt that he loved Mitty. In fact, he wanted to be with him more than anyone. A case of cold feet wouldn't change that. It was himself he was wrestling with here. 

Spirits, monsters, and deadly espers. He'd faced them all and came out on top. But they were nothing compared to these looming expectations to be a person to rely on. This wasn't something he could bullshit his way through. This was marriage. Mitty was going to see the warted underbelly of when he was Reigen the man instead of Reigen the psychic. His fiancé was going to experience sides of him he only revealed when he was alone. Would he still like him even then?

Reigen was good at a lot of things but this had to be the one that counted most. Could he really be a good partner forever? 

Was he really going to cut it as a husband? 

"Hey, Serizawa?" Reigen asked, not looking at him. 

The man's shoulders lurched at his name suddenly being called. He straightened his back. "Oh! Yes sir?"

"Do you think we'll be good together?" 

Silence sat heavily for a moment. Every second felt longer than the last. 

His friend seemed taken aback by the question but nonetheless looked at the ceiling as though collecting the right words to answer. "Well…"

Another moment passed and Reigen waited with his hands clasped and breath baited. 

"I've never been with anyone so I can't say for certain what a good relationship is but," A compassionate smile spread across the esper's face before he continued, visibly more sure of his words. "I think you and Mr. Mitty understand each other. You always seem to know what the other is thinking. You motivate each other to be better and you seem happy when you're together. And...and you trust each other too. And I think that's whats important." 

Reigen looked at the velveted floor. "Then…"  

"You've become more honest by being with him and he talks like you're really important to him. So please...get married if it makes you both happy! I think you can really be something!" His friend was beaming with 

what Reigen could only say was genuine assurance. 

"I really believe you'll take care of each other." 

His co-worker actually really was resourceful. Maybe someday he ought to pay him more. The uncomfortable feelings waned slightly and his shoulders slowly slacked. Mitty was waiting for him so now wasn't the time to lose it. 

After a few seconds of letting his feelings iron themselves out, he stood and smoothed his hands over his suit jacket. "Well alright then. If thats what you think then I guess there's no backing out of this one." 

Serizawa pressed his hands together in delight. "YES! I've got your back, Reigen!" 

The door into the hallway opened and a set of black eyes peered into the room. "Master, It's starting. Are you coming?" 

The jarring announcement had him scrambling to fix the piece of hair he'd been fussing with. 

"OF COURSE." He jabbed his thumb into his own chest to feign total confidence. "Right behind you, Mob!" 

He held his breath. Alright, let's do this. 

Mitty POV

Teal eyes darted around the room carefully. 

"Hey...Dimple? You there?"

The whizzing of the spirit materializing buzzed next to his ear. 

"Yeah whaddya want? You're on soon, aren't you?" 

Mitty jabbed his right hook into the air where the voice was coming from. "AGH WHAT THE HELL?"

A swift flash of green dodged his reach. 

"HEY, why are you hitting me?! You asked for ME, remember?" The ghost clucked his tongue in disapproval and floated a few inches away for safety. 

"WELL MATERIALIZE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU, YOU BIG BOOGER! I'm on edge!" 

"On edge? What for? You're the one who wanted this, right?"

"W..well….yeah, sorry." He looked at his clenched fist and opened it. "...sorry." He said again more thoughtfully this time. 

Dimple raised a spectral eyebrow. "Whats wrong? Having second thoughts? I mean it's Reigen so who can blame ya."

Mitty scowled while straightening his tie in the mirror. "Hey! REIGEN'S…." His voice softened closer to a whisper. "A pretty good guy. Get off my case. Aren't you supposed to be my support? You're being kinda harsh!" 

"Well kid, something is obviously on your mind so let's hear it. Wedding starts soon right? Yeesh. Once you do all this he's your problem forever." 

"I'm not worried about him!! I'm more worried about...me."

"About you? What're you talkin' about?! You're too good for him!"

"Thanks for the flattery. You still can't have my body though."

"Well I didn't want it anyways, ya bastard. You're weak compared to Shigeo. I'm just being honest here!" 

Silence.

"So? Out with it, What did you want anyways? You're talking nonsense here!" 

Mitty wrinkled his nose in discomfort.  "I just needed to ask something. But you can't run your mouth off like you always do, you old gossip. You're like a knitting circle."

"TCH. like I'd blabber your business to someone. It's all so boring."

"Yeah, yeah just listen, alright?!"

Another few seconds passed. "So? Say it. We don't have all day, you know."

He was looking at his hands again like he was somewhere far off. "Well. D...D'you think I'll be good at this?" 

"Good at what, exactly?" 

"Being married." 

Dimple's form rippled with thought. "You're seriously worried about that?"

Mitty was going to make a sharp remark but his head dropped and his face buried into his knuckles. "Yeah."

Dimple deflated slightly in exasperated defeat. Humans could be so ignorant. 

"Listen. That fraud never shuts up about you. You think you're not good enough? You should hear him talk. It's annoying how you both don't realize things."

"Realize things?"

He sighed and shrugged his tiny arms. "I hear everything whether you like it or not. You two idiots never stop talking and moaning about the other is too good for the other. It's getting old, really." 

"HUH? He says that? No way! But he's always beaten me at everything! I always thought he was way out of my league." 

 "Kinda the opposite actually but...sure. What I'm saying is…! You're both seeing the best parts of each other. Keep doing that and it'll be smooth sailing."

"Yeah but...what if he stops seeing the best in me?'

"You planning on making things hard?" 

"Not really. I just know I can be difficult to deal with." 

"So is he. You really think you got this far because Reigen's all roses and sunshine? 'Course not. You've seen all the stuff he does and you still like him, right?" 

He certainly was flawed, that was for sure. Mitty spent most of Reigen's antics with his eyes rolled up in his head but that didn't mean he wasn't enjoying the moment either. 

"Right."

"Then it's the same for him. Sure it won't always be fun but that phoney won't give up on you just because you're annoying. He's way too persistent. It kind of ticks me off." 

I'm annoying???  That stung but he shook it off.

Reigen was going to have to deal with him for the rest of his life once they said the right words. But if Dimple was right...would it be so bad to annoy each other for the rest of their lives if the other was willing to put up with it? 

Reigen seemed okay with it so far. Mitty would just have to listen to him make a fuss about his coffee table clutter until he died. But really, he wouldn't have that any other way. His voice was kind of cute when he hit that inhuman octave he had when he was in disbelief. 

The door from the hall swung open and a blond clad in what was perhaps the most blinding and loud suit he had ever seen poked his head in. 

"Oh, You're still in here? It's bad luck to be late on your wedding day! Master Reigen is waiting. " He cocked his head to the side. "Or did you need some help with your suit? Its looking a little plain." 

Hanazawa. This kid would try to accessorize his suit in the worst way possible. He put up his hands to wave him off. 

"N-nah, kiddo that's alright. I'll be right there."

Hanazawa, after a few more attempts to get Mitty to let him help retreated back into the hallway. When it was quiet again he eyed Dimple. He was abrasive and unpleasant. He always had a motive for everything and rarely had something nice to say. 

But he came through when it mattered. 

"Hey Dimple?" 

"Yeah? What is it?" 

"Thanks." 

Dimple wouldn't meet his eyes and levitated towards the hall. He didn't want to acknowledge he was helping, he supposed. It was in character for that tsundere blob.

"You ought to get out of here now if you wanna make it on time." 

He stood and dusted himself off. 

"Welp. Here goes everything."