#incorrect akatsuki quotes

[forumjutsu]

Itachi: Let's rehearse Kyubi's kidnap. You'll be Sasuke.

Kisame: I don't want to be your brother.

Itachi *nodding*: Perfect, you already know your lines.

[itsakami]

Itachi: What's wrong with you two?

Sasori: Oh, no, you don't want to open that door.

Deidara: Too late. Everything started when I was born, hm.

[tomuraxashes]

Back to my fav, original Madara x Akatsuki AU

Asking a tailed beast to come ‘home’

Deidara: So apparently.. we almost have all the tailed beasts in our possession. Who’s next.

Kisame: Idk, Hachibi or Kyuubi?

Nagato: Actually , the nine tails is here.

Deidara: Huh? How?

Nagato: Well I kinda just found him and asked him to come with me.

Kisame: And he just did so?

Nagato: I told him we have Madara here, he was more than eager to come.

Deidara: How?

Obito: They.. kinda have a shared past. So, ehm, now they have some time to discuss

Nagato: By ‘discussing’ he means that they are now trying to kill each other and/or throwing insults. Ngl, it’s kinda fun tho.

[uchihaxitachi]

True begins to break dance*

i think your friendship is more suited to deidara.

[felyxxx]

Imagime being Orochimaru at Akatsuki:

This idea always makes me laugh, like:

Orochimaru:*tries SO hard to gain immortality, meanwhile* Sarori: I'm a living puppet. My body is a masterpiece. I can switch them. My core is my heart. Kakuzu: No true immortality exists, but my body is my weapon. It serves my will. I have 5 hearts and 5 lives. Hidan:*headless body slouched on the ground* Hidan's head:*rolling in the floor* WHAZZUP!

[ladykissingfish]

Hidan: Hey, puppet-dick! What’s up?

Sasori: Birds. The tops of trees. The sky. The —

Hidan: No, asshole. I mean, what’s going on? What are you planning on doing today?

Sasori: If all goes well, Deidara.

Hidan: … This is why I never talk to your weird ass.

Deidara, from the other room: I’m interested in carrying on that conversation, Danna ~

Hidan:

[clavissionary-position]

Akatsuki: Just have Emma home before it starts getting too late.

Matthias: Does she have a curfew?

Akatsuki: No, nothing like that. Just use your common sense and you'll be fine.

Matthias: Is it 6 p.m.?

Akatsuki: Haha, oh, I wouldn't set a curfew that early.

Matthias: 6:30 p.m.? 7 p.m.? 7:15 p.m.? 7:16 p.m.?

Akatsuki: She doesn't have a curfew.

Matthias: Because if I bring her home even a second late, I'll pay for my crimes and have myself drawn and quartered.

Akatsuki:

Matthias: Hanged. Beheaded.

Matthias: All of the above, if necessary.

Akatsuki: Are you that hard to kill?

Matthias: I don't know, but the punishment must fit the crime.

Akatsuki: If that's the punishment for violating curfew, what's the punishment for breaking Emma's heart?

Matthias: I will go back in time and prevent my parents from meeting.

Akatsuki: So you're going to invent time-travel.

Matthias: The punishment must fit the crime.

[basilsimp43]

Kakuzu: If I was married to you I would put poison in your coffee.

Hidan: If I was married to you I’d drink it.

[immoralimmortals]

[eikaroulily]

Pain: THE WORLD SHALL KNOW MY-

Y/n: p-pain..

Pain: yes honey? What do you need? Are you okay? How are you? Are you hungry?

Naruto, just standing there while staring at them dumbfounded:

Fukasaku: who knew the leader of the Akatsukis would be this.... caring of a person..?

[watermelonsloth]

Deidara: What are you making for dinner?

Tobi: I can't tell you, it's a soup-prise!

Deidara: Is it soup?

Tobi: I soup-pose it could be!

Deidara: Quit making soup puns!

Tobi: Wow, senpai’s soup-per mean.

Deidara: STOP!

*one hour later*

Deidara: IT’S FUCKING TACOS?!

[forumjutsu]

Deidara: I think Itachi not the joyless robot that I thought he was.

Itachi: Is this about the time I ate a burrito? I was pressured into it.

[itsakami]

Deidara: I told my danna months ago, hm.

Itachi: You knew it?!

Sasori: He says crazy shit like that all the time! How was I suppose to know it was true this time?

Deidara: Art is an explosion!

Sasori: See!?

[yowyowyaoi]

*Kakuzu spots Hidan in the hallway*

Kakuzu: Where are you going?

Hidan: The fuck’s it look like, man? It’s midnight, I’m going to my room to get some damn sleep!

Kakuzu: Hidan. Come sleep with me.

Hidan: Ah?! You’re actually asking me to fuck?? Is the world ending or —

Kakuzu: I’m not asking for that, brat. I simply want you to come and share a bed with me while we sleep.

Hidan: Wait, seriously? Why?

Kakuzu: Do I have to give you an explanation for everything? Can’t you just do as I ask?

Hidan: Not when you’re acting like a weirdo, old man. Now tell me, are you sick or about to have a stroke or some shit like that?

Kakuzu: Hidan. I … am in love with you, and feeling your warmth next to me as I sleep is my favorite sensation in this world. Even better than counting my money, truth be told. So please, come join me and let me wrap my arms around you tonight, and every night for as long as you’ll allow me.

Hidan:

Hidan, tearing up and climbing into Kakuzu’s bed: Y-you damn sappy, gay bastard …

*the next day*

Konan: So did you get around to telling Hidan that you’re renting out his room this week to make a little extra money?

Kakuzu: No. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. *he pulls down his collar to rub his neck, revealing large bruises and scratch marks*

Konan, smirking: Well, well, look at that. Seems you didn’t want Hidan in your bed just to make some money, eh? You two enjoyed some “extracurricular activities”?

Kakuzu: Oh, this? No, it’s not what you think. Hidan is an extremely violent sleeper. Spends all night sleep-talking and trying to fight me. If you think this is bad, you should see the bruises on my legs.

Konan: Is … is that worth it, then?

Kakuzu: My dear … *holds up the wad of money he got from his renter* Of course it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go talk to Sasori about industrial-strength painkillers. *turns and limps away*

Konan:

[agra-miv]

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Hidan(Kakuzu's voice): "I need money" "I want money" "give me money" blah blah blah

Hidan: Okay man, just make an OnlyFans and shut the fuck up

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[echos-scomplink]

*after the plan goes horribly wrong*

Kakuzu: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Y/N

Hidan: For the record, I already found them

Kakuzu: And you let them get away before we could get the information

Hidan: They stabbed me!

Kakuzu: I'm surprised they waited this long, Hidan. We've all had the urge