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just-some-random-blogger · 1 year ago

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Wow. What can I say but wow (Owen Wilson voice) but also wow (solemnly)

How do I even begin to process this? How do I even ????????

[future me edit: this is really fucking long 💀💀💀🤣🤣 I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY OK]

First of all this makes me want to write a Joel angst too. Like 100000 of them cos this is so

As you sat there in the dimly lit living room, the weight of Joel's words hung heavily in the air.

This was so beautifully written. Also I love it when you use inner turmoil. I keep saying imma steal that but I keep forgetting HAHAAHAHHAHA

Joel stared at the floor, avoiding your gaze. "I love you. So much. More than I ever thought I could love someone. But, I can't keep pretending that I can give you everything you deserve. I'm 35, and I've lived a life that's... complicated. I don't want to tie you down, especially when you have so much of the world left to explore."

🤨✋ PAUSE. PAUZEEE MADAME. leave him. leave his ass.

First of all, if you're with someone who thinks they're going to hold you back LEAVE THEM COS THEY WILL THEYRE TELLING ON THEMSELVES.

Second of all, not him acting like 35 is old dafaq??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LIVED A LIFE??? GIRL LIFE STARTS AT 30 COS THATS WHEN YOU GET UR SHIT TOGETHER HELLO?????

ALSO SHES 25????????????????????????? WHAT IS SHE DOING THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER DO??? CLIMB UP THE FUCKING STAIRS? HELLO???? EARTH TO JOEL???? ITS GIVING SELF-RIGHTEOUS PRICK, ITS GIVING SAVIOR COMPLEX?????

👩‍⚖️LEAVE HIS ASS.👩‍⚖️ NEXT 🥱

"I don't want you to look back one day and regret being with me," he continued, his voice gentle as he clasps both of your hands in his. "I couldn’t live with myself if one day you look at me and all I’d see is regret in your eyes. I want you to experience the world, to find your own path. I know you'll go on to do amazing things, and I don't want to be the reason you didn't." His eyes glimmered with tears.

He thinks he's musty and dusty and not worth staying for. Leave his bum ass rat face ass ROIGHT NIOW 🤮🤮🤮

AND ANOTHER THING THE FACT HE CANT IMAGINE SEEING THE WORLD WITH YOU ✋✋✋✋✋😒😒😒😒😒😒

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🗣️THATS🗣️SO🗣️ FUCKING🗣️TELLING🗣️🗣️OF🗣️HIMMMM🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️MISS ME WITH THAT BULLSHIT FUCK OFF

“And what about what I want?” You stared back at him, defiant. “What if I want to be here with you?”

EXACTLY. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH QUEEN. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. UNFORTUNATELY UR MANS BARELY GOT TWO BRAIN CELLS BUT OKAY GO OFF I GUESS

He smiled softly and shook his head. “You know, I could be selfish and keep you here with me. But what can you achieve in this town, really? You had such big dreams when we met, remember? Don’t think I forgot.”

🧍‍♀️ aur. .......... 😗😗😗👁️👄👁️ and I oop. 😬😬😬 That's what he meant....

She has dreams and ambitions....... Aurr......... Aurr ......... See okay now Joel's got a point........... Aur.... See see ☝️

“Dreams change.” was all you managed to get out before your throat started to tighten and you felt the prickling of tears in your eyes.

SPEAK YOUR TRUTH KWEENNNNNNNNNNNN. But yah I get where Joel's coming from. Ya really can't tell cos you'll be riddled with what ifssss 😔 but what about love ?? Is that really not a what if you're willing to take?

Ok. Joel NTA (not the asshole in case you didn't know HAHAHHAAHH)

Joel pulled you in for a hug and buried his face in your shoulder. “Don’t change them for me. Never for me.”

😗😬 AUR. CUZ. CUZ. ☝️ HES GOT A POINT. CAPN SHE THREW A CURVE BALL AT US WE CURRENTLY DONT KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING NOR HOW WE FEEL.

But we love it here

Deep down, you knew you had to go. Not because you wanted to, but because you knew Joel would never forgive himself if you didn’t. It was ironic and so painfully stupid that it hurt - he thought this breakup would help you and you went through with it to help him.

I COULDN'T FIND IT BUT THERE IS THIS VIDEO OF A KPOP BOY COUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY AND ONE OF HIS GROUP MATES TURNED TO HIM AND STARTED WAVING AND SAID BYE that's how I feel HAHAHAH

So there you went. You packed your bags and you were out of there in less than a week. You moved in with a friend in New York for a couple of months until you secured a stable job and an apartment. You followed Joel's advice, exploring the world, pursuing your dreams, and building a life that was uniquely your own. You missed him more than you cared to admit, but you knew that his intentions had been pure, and in a way, it did benefit you.

🗣️AS🗣️YOU🗣️SHOULD🗣️QUEEN🗣️GETIM🗣️ but also pure intentions is a stretch. Like he did this so that he wouldn't feel guilty in the future too so he's overcompensating for something that hasn't happened yet which also might not even happen. Well/good intentions tho, sure. Ig.

No cuz fuck that shit. That's fucked up. That's cold. That's low.

Fuck this. You double tap the picture, giving it a “like”. This will give them something to talk about, you think spitefully. He wanted me to move on with my life? Well this is me, moved on. As you throw your phone to the other side of the bed, the pain finally sinks in and you cry into your pillow, wondering if you truly, will ever move on.

🗣️AS🗣️SHE🗣️FATHER🗣️FUCKING🗣️SHOULD🗣️RAT🗣️ASS🗣️CRETIN🗣️GOOD🗣️FOR🗣️NOTHING🗣️MAN🗣️

People would kill for the life you have and you will NOT be ungrateful about it.

😔😔😔😔😔 aw. Awie. ouch. 😃😃😃 DAMN BRUH CUZ NEEDING TO BE GRATEFUL IN A SITUATION SOMETIMES SUCKS ASS YOU SHOULD BUT ALSO FUCK IM MISERABLE OVA ERE LEMME LIVE

He whispers your name, almost in disbelief as his brows furrow. “Hey. Wow.”

HAHAH WAIT I DIDNT REALIZE THIS GIRL SAID OH WOW WHAT A FITTING MEME. NO CUZ I WANT TO BE THAT EX. MAKE YOU GO HEY. WOW. COS 💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅

AS YOU SHOULD SHE IS DATTTT GWWWWOOORRLLLLLLLLLLLLL SLAAYYYYYYYYY NUFFIN ELSE TO SAY BUT HEY WOW 😩😩😩😩😩 GOT THE WHOLE GROUP CHAT GAGGGEDDDD

He’s older, grayer, but damn him, he still looks so fucking good.

HAHAHHAAH NOT CUZ I ZONED OUT AND THOUGHT IT SAID GAYER AND I WAS LIKE OOP SLAY A GAY CHARACTER ENTRANCE BUT THEN I WAS LIKE HUH??? WHY IS THERE A GAY FRIEND??? then I saw it was gray 💀💀💀 HAHAHHAAH

You stand there staring for a moment, while he examines the box of Cap’n Crunch.

Canon Pedro character lore, liking capn crunch. That's his fav right???? LMAOO AHAHAH

Somehow this exchange cuts you deeper than the day he broke up with you. When did you become people who could barely speak 3 words to each other?

😩😩😩😬😬😬😬😬🫣🫣🫣 I CAN SEE IT NOW HER VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY. WOOF

At that, he visibly stiffens and clears his throat as he replies, “Oh, Cassie and I aren’t together anymore. Well we were never.. But we kind of.. Yeah she’s not in the picture. It’s just me and Sarah.”

😃😃✋✋✋✋✋✋🤪🤪🤪🤪🫨🫨🫨😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵😵😨😨😨😰😰😰🙀🙀🙀 LISTEN I COULD PUT A MEME BUT IM ON MOBILE AND I CAN ONLY PUT 10 PICS IM TRYNA CONSERVE THEM BUT LIKE NDJSJDJSJJS BROOOOOOOOOOO SHE LEFT YOU YOUR FOOKIN REBOUND LEFT YOU AND LEFT YOU A BABY 💀💀💀💀🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣 THATS SO EMBARRASSING FOR YOUR SOUL AND ?????? SO FUCKED UP FOR YOU AND FOR HEE OBVI BUT FOR YOU TOO BRO CUZ IMAGINE NOT EVEN LOVING THAT WOMAN AND HAVING HER GENETIC DNA LIFE WITH YOURS IN A HUMAN AND YOULL HAVE THAT HUMAN WITH YOU FOREVER or I mean till she gets shot 😶 sorry ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

“No, wait. Can we talk, please? I.. I’ve missed you. I want to talk.” Joel steps towards you as if to stop you from leaving but then holds himself back.

[RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING AND CRYING]

“I don’t think we have anything much to say to each other anymore, Joel, don’t you think?” You chuckle a little to mask the overwhelming urge to cry.

AS SHE SHOULD SHE ATE SHE LEFT NO CRUMBS SHE SPOKE HER TRUTH SHE SPOKE OUR TRUTH THE GROUP CHAT IS WILD SHE LIKE ME FOR REAL TELL IM THEN CRYYYYY SLAYYY

“I just want to know how you’re doing.” He looks at the ground, like a puppy scolded by his owner and you know you can’t resist the floodgates that pour out. You take a deep breath and let it all out in one exhale.

NO CUZ ITS GIVING PATHETIC BUT ALSO I MEAN YEAH HE IS PATHETIC HE KNOWS HE IS I MEAN YEAH THEY BOTH KINDA ARE I MEAN YEAH LEAVE HIS ASSSS FUCKING LEAVVVEERE

“Fine. You want to know? I’m doing great, just as you said I would. I make a ridiculous amount of money every year, I have a fancy apartment that overlooks the city, I have nice friends and a good life. It’s everything you wanted for me.”

🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️ wow she went. off. [Huffs] [insert zuko meme]

“You deserve it. I knew you would.” He says, nodding with a sad smile.

🤨🤨🤨😃😃😃✋✋✋🤪🤪🙃🙃🙃 GO ON KING GIVE US NOTHING

He stands stunned for a moment, his eyes concerned and brows furrowed. He eventually steps fully in front of you this time. His hands hesitate, as if he doesn't know where to put them, until he settles for your shoulders. “I’m sorry. I thought.. I thought you would be–”

WAIT I DIDNT COPY THE PART WHERE SHE SAYS THEN WHY ARENT I HAPPY 🤪🤪🤪💀💀💀💀💀💀👁️👄👁️ nO CUZ WHAT IS THAT KEJEJEEJ THATS SO REAL OF HER NO CUZ BRO. [bIGGGGGG SIGHHHHHHHH]

[FUTURE ME EDIT I WENT BACK TO COPY IT COS-]

“So why don’t I feel happy yet?” You can’t believe it but you actually start to cry. Here in the middle of the damn cereal aisle in front of your ex-boyfriend.

I LITERALLY GASPED AT THIS AND SAID MAAM THIS IS A WALMART AND THEN RIGHT AFTER I READ THE PART WHERE YOU WROTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN CERAL AISLE HAHAHA NO CUZ SAME THOUGHTS FOR REAL GIRL 😭😭😭😭✋✋✋✋✋ THIS IS THE DOLLAR SHOPPPPPP 😩😩😩😩 SOS. HYPERMARKET WHO I ONLY KNOW HYPER-REACTIONS 💅🫦

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POOJA WHAT IS THISSSSSSS WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOR WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THOUGHT GAGO KA PALA MARAMING NAMAMATAY SA MALING INAKALA (SO YOURE [curse word GAGO] SO MANY PEOPLE DIE BECAUSE OF WRONG ... ASSUMPTIONS [??? YEAH IT THINK ITS ASSUMPTION ABHAHAHAH])

Ok that's a filo saying but tbh I don't even know anyone who died from wrong assumptions... At least personally jdjejejjejsj HAHAH

You bat his hands off your shoulders. “Yeah, you did. But it doesn’t matter because what’s done is done and we’ll never get it back. Any of it.”

SHES SUCH A QUEEN FOR SWATTING THAT PESKY LOUD ANNOYING ASSUMING ASSUMERA FLY SLAYYYY

He says your name, pleadingly.

TAKE MY FUCKING NAME OUCHO FUCKING MOUTH

“No, I don’t blame you. I left, didn't I? It was my decision too. I guess deep down some part of me thought I would be better off. And in a way I am. I really am. But I cannot lie to you and say that I’m happy Joel, because I’m not. And nothing will change that. Because this is my life now.”

🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️ NO CUZ ITS THE IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE FOR ME ✋✋✋✋✋ ITS THE THIS IS THE FUCKING WHAT IF YOULL FOREVER FUCKING THINK ABOUT. OOF. OOF. OOF.

A moment of silence passes between the two of you as the weight of the years of separation hangs there. “I’m not either,” he whispers.

😒😒😒🙄🙄🙄🤨🤨🤨🫤🫤🫤 I don't remember fucking asking tho

“I’m not.. happy. Cassie and I had a fling when I was heartbroken and dealing with our breakup. She had just gotten divorced and I was.. I was planning to ask for you back. I was prepared to get on a fucking airplane and beg on my knees until you took me back. Whether that meant moving you back home or me moving here, it didn’t matter to me. We’d make it work. I just wanted you to know that I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have decided for you.” He places his hands on your shoulders again, and you let them stay this time.

Why didn't you? 🤨 ??? 🧍‍♀️

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Translation of this: [but] why do you look like you're mad. Why is it like it's my fault

THATS LAST PART BAKIT PARANG KASALANAN KO???? HELLLO????

IF YOU WANTED TO YOU WOULD HAVE??? HELLO???? HELLOO BE SO FUCKING FOR REAL??? LIKE SO WHAT??? YOU DIDNT DO IT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT??? DAFAQ

He continues, speaking quickly as if a dam has burst. “But then Cassie got pregnant. And I knew I had to make a choice. [...]

You did that. You chose to do that. You had a plane ticket but you chose to find solace in another person's arms to forget about them. You dug your own grave. Again it's like telling on you. I know people have moments of weaknesses and yada yada but like BIGGGGG SIGHHHH THATS WHAT YOU CHOSE TO DOOOOOOO❗❗❗❗❗❗❗

We said we’d try to raise the kid together and be a family but.. A few months after Sarah was born she just left. Literally, took off and left, and I have no idea where she went. Frankly, I don’t even care. And then I got so busy with the kid and then years passed, and I just lost the timing. What, am I just supposed to call you up 10 years after breaking up with you, telling you what a joke my life has become? How I’ve regretted every moment since you packed your bags?”

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You let all of his words sink in for a while before choking out, “And what do I do with all this information now? What do you expect me to do?”

👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅💅😩😩😩😩😩😩😩🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦🫨🫨🫨🫨 CROWD LEFT SHOOQ QUEEN BEHAVIOR SHE 👏SPOKE👏HER👏TRUTTHHHH👏 AS SHE SHOULD QUEEN SHE LIKE ME FOR REALLLL LIKE GIRL???

You nod, your brain not fully able to come up with words at this point, so he continues. “If you’d told me you were happy, I would have swallowed my pride, wished you well, and walked out of this store with the knowledge that at least all this pain has finally brought you joy. But we’re both hurting now, so what does that make us?”

Tangang bobong inutil walang kwentang gagong ulol fucking shit rat dull headed stupid ass dipshit loser. Pathetic simply put. ////: tbh both of u I'm not sorry maybe for YN a bit

“Two idiots crying in the cereal aisle?” You offer with a small chuckle through your tears.

😬😬😬😬😬 ok yeah that works too ig. I liked mine better

He shakes his head before looking into your eyes. “You know what the sick part is? 10 years ago I told you I never wanted you to look at me with regret in your eyes. Yet here you are.”

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It only took him 10 years.

NO CUZ YEAH JOEL I WAS SCREAMING (silently) WHEN I WAS READING THIS GIRL GET A FUCKING GRIP

“Maybe.” He replies cheekily, smiling softly. With that, he pulls you in for a hug and the familiar waft of his cologne transports you back to 10 years ago when you hugged in his living room before saying goodbye, when you used to cuddle together so close at night, when he used to hug you before leaving for work. Your memories together flash before your eyes like a sick Hallmark movie except this time you know the ending.

NO CUZ THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS. THIS FUCKING HURT. SMELLS MAKE ME FEEL THINGS YOU KNOW 😩😩😩😩😵‍💫😭😭😭😭 GOSH

You feel the press of his lips against your head and you swear you hear him whisper the words “I love you” but you can’t be sure because your heart is pounding and you can feel it in your ears. Your life from this point on will always be divided into before and after. The point where you know, you just know, the choice you made is irreversible. You will never have Joel Miller ever again.

😃🙃🤪 fuck. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY *INSERT ZUKO MEME*

WAIT I LOST ANOTHER PART AGAIN WHERE THEY WERE DIVERGING WITH THE SHOPPING CARTS KEJDJDJDJ I WAS THINKING IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ICIER IF WE STARTED IN THE SUPERMARKET AND WORKED OUT WAY BACK AND FUCKING WENT TO PRESENT AND JUST FUCJING

CUZ THATS WHAT ITS GIVING ITS GIVING VERY MUCH LAUNDRY AND TAXES 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Joel looks at his daughter and wonders what it would be like if this kid was yours, and you stare at your phone, a message from your new date asking you to confirm a meeting time flashing on your screen.

No cuz Joel's is kinda fucked up. I mean I know what he means but also that's like changing the kid altogether,like genetically so Sarah wouldn't be Sarah you know.... Ok ive overthunkthunk this thunking thing 💀💀💀

Do I even have to say I enjoyed this??? I enjoyed this. Pls keep posting and don't delete ur work just cuz ugly people have boyfriends and you dont 😔😔😔😔😩😩

I Hope You're Happy / Joel Miller x Reader

Description: Joel breaks up with you, thinking that he's setting you free to chase your dreams. And you do. And he gets another girl pregnant. And you meet each other in the cereal aisle of the grocery store. And you hope the other is happy. But you're not. You're both not.

Word count: 2.6k

A/N: Angst angst angst. No outbreak AU.

Deep down, you knew this day would come. What did you expect, dating someone 10 years older than you? You just didn’t think it would come this soon. Or that it would hurt this much.

As you sat there in the dimly lit living room, the weight of Joel's words hung heavily in the air. It had been a typical evening, sharing a meal and telling each other about your day, but something felt different tonight. The air seemed heavy with tension and Joel’s smiles didn’t really reach his eyes, betraying an inner turmoil that you hadn't seen before.

"Listen," he began, his voice tinged with regret, "I’ve been thinking a lot about something."

You felt a knot tightening in your stomach as you nodded, prompting him to continue.

You tried to understand his perspective. Tried to see where he was coming from but all you could think was, Why now? Why now when I’ve already fallen in love with you?

“And what about what I want?” You stared back at him, defiant. “What if I want to be here with you?”

He was right. You passed on a few big job opportunities in New York when you settled down with Joel, and you kept telling yourself you’d apply next week, which became next month, next year, until it never happened. Suddenly a fancy job and new apartment in the Big Apple didn’t seem appealing anymore. Not when you had Joel.

“Dreams change.” was all you managed to get out before your throat started to tighten and you felt the prickling of tears in your eyes.

Joel pulled you in for a hug and buried his face in your shoulder. “Don’t change them for me. Never for me.”

You have proper savings now, and you are a fully independent adult, carving your way painfully through a year of hard work, job searches, apartment hunting - all while navigating a broken heart. And while you love your new life, late at night in the dark of your fancy new apartment overlooking the city skyline, you often found yourself thinking, was it all worth it?

But you shake your head out of the daze eventually. Because if it isn’t worth it then all the pain and all the tears were for nothing. So you had to love this life. Forced yourself to love it because that’s what Joel wanted for you. Joel. Even now, you still live for Joel.

Until you didn’t. Your fingers freeze on your phone as you read the caption on Cassie’s new instagram post with a man who looks all too familiar.

Excited to welcome a new chapter into our lives. 👶❤️

Your stomach sinks. Your phone drops to the bed. And tears sting your eyes. No. It can’t be. You pick up the phone again and there he is. Your Joel, messy hair as if he just rolled out of bed and his scruffy beard. Smiling at Cassie who’s holding a picture of an ultrasound. CASSIE? And JOEL?

You try to think back to every interaction they had during the course of your relationship but it had never been more than polite small talk at neighbourhood gatherings or run-ins at the grocery store. Wasn’t she married? Fuck this. You double tap the picture, giving it a “like”. This will give them something to talk about, you think spitefully. He wanted me to move on with my life? Well this is me, moved on. As you throw your phone to the other side of the bed, the pain finally sinks in and you cry into your pillow, wondering if you truly, will ever move on.

In the years that pass, you try to distract yourself with work and your new friendships. On paper, your life in New York was going swimmingly well and you had even dated a couple of nice guys. Dating still gives you a little twinge in the heart but you ignore it for the most part. People would kill for the life you have and you will NOT be ungrateful about it.

But of course, life is never that simple. Just when you think you’re able to find happiness, you get thrown a curveball. And this curveball came in the form of Joel Miller, standing in the cereal aisle of your local grocery store. He’s older, grayer, but damn him, he still looks so fucking good. You stand there staring for a moment, while he examines the box of Cap’n Crunch. As he puts the box back down and glances up, he meets your eyes and you hate this cliche, but you swear to God, time stands still.

He whispers your name, almost in disbelief as his brows furrow. “Hey. Wow.”

“Hey.”

“You… How are you?”

“I’m good. Yourself?”

“Yeah great.”

Somehow this exchange cuts you deeper than the day he broke up with you. When did you become people who could barely speak 3 words to each other?

Trying to alleviate the clenching of your heart, you speak up. “What are you doing here? This is the last place I thought I’d ever run into you.”

He chuckles softly. “Yeah, I uh.. Tommy’s up here meeting a couple of friends and asked me to tag along. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out by the way, I should have texted when I knew we were heading –”

You cut him off, not wanting to hear lies. “No, that’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to. You must be busy now anyways with the kid.”

His eyes soften at that, guilt and pain flashing through them but you push on. “It’s fine, really. You’re not obligated to tell me these things. I just saw on Cassie’s instagram. Is she here too?”

Sarah. He had a girl. A little girl. Your stomach twists and you kind of feel like throwing up so you try to find an exit. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Well, Sarah is lucky to have you. I always knew you’d make a good dad.”

He smiles for the first time in this conversation. “Truthfully, I have no idea what I’m doing half the time but she’s a good kid.”

Enough. Enough. Enough. “Well, it was nice meeting you again Joel, and I’m glad you’re doing well–”

“No, wait. Can we talk, please? I.. I’ve missed you. I want to talk.” Joel steps towards you as if to stop you from leaving but then holds himself back.

“I don’t think we have anything much to say to each other anymore, Joel, don’t you think?” You chuckle a little to mask the overwhelming urge to cry.

“You deserve it. I knew you would.” He says, nodding with a sad smile.

“So why don’t I feel happy yet?” You can’t believe it but you actually start to cry. Here in the middle of the damn cereal aisle in front of your ex-boyfriend.

You bat his hands off your shoulders. “Yeah, you did. But it doesn’t matter because what’s done is done and we’ll never get it back. Any of it.”

He says your name, pleadingly.

A moment of silence passes between the two of you as the weight of the years of separation hangs there. “I’m not either,” he whispers.

“What?”

He continues, speaking quickly as if a dam has burst. “But then Cassie got pregnant. And I knew I had to make a choice. We said we’d try to raise the kid together and be a family but.. A few months after Sarah was born she just left. Literally, took off and left, and I have no idea where she went. Frankly, I don’t even care. And then I got so busy with the kid and then years passed, and I just lost the timing. What, am I just supposed to call you up 10 years after breaking up with you, telling you what a joke my life has become? How I’ve regretted every moment since you packed your bags?”

You let all of his words sink in for a while before choking out, “And what do I do with all this information now? What do you expect me to do?”

He’s tearing up and his voice rises a little as he replies, “Nothing. I don’t expect nothing. I just needed you to know that I never spent a day without thinking of you or loving you. And that I’m sorry. And that I wish you were happy, because if you were, then at least all of this bullshit would be worth it. But you’re not.”

“Two idiots crying in the cereal aisle?” You offer with a small chuckle through your tears.

He breathes out a small laugh. “Yeah. That it does.”

A woman passing through the aisle snaps you both back to reality as you wipe your tears and gather yourselves. “It is really good to see you, Joel. And.. thank you for telling me all of it. It doesn’t change anything but I think I needed to hear it.”

He shakes his head before looking into your eyes. “You know what the sick part is? 10 years ago I told you I never wanted you to look at me with regret in your eyes. Yet here you are.”

You nod and smile sadly. There’s nothing left to say.

His gaze turns soft. “I hope you’ll be happy someday. Maybe not now, but someday.”

“Maybe. And yourself?”

As you pull away, you both tearfully smile and look at each other for the last time. You spend a good minute just looking, memorizing the other’s face. You both don’t bother with the polite pleasantries of promising to keep in touch because you know that would be a lie. It would be too painful. This is your fate now.

You walk past each other, leaving your memories and feelings behind in the dust of your footprints. To passersby, you look like strangers. Passing each other in the cereal aisle, meeting for a moment and then never again. And maybe that’s what you are now. Strangers, destined to be in each other’s lives for a moment, and then never again.

Joel eventually goes back home to Austin, and you stay in your beautiful apartment which seems to be mocking you with how big and yet empty it feels.

Joel wonders what life would be like if you’d stayed. You wonder the same thing.

Tag list: @just-some-random-blogger @joeldjarin @pattwtf

#im so luv u #joel miller angst #joel miller fanfic #in this essay we #Youtube

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reallybadblackoutpoems · 10 months ago

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secrets of farming (1863) - john w. large

"yeowch augh taking damage ough eurgh"

#sorry i havent been super active #have been dealing w personal and health issues etc #leave some good horror movies down below #or video essays #either one #we just closed the seagull #will forever be abnormal about that show #anyway!#blackout poem #blackout poetry #author #book #poetry

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yeehawpim · 1 year ago

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#original comic #webcomic #we go together #artists on tumblr #greek legend #damon & pythias #slightly different this time in that Dionysius I of Syracuse was an Actual person 😂#but i heard about this in breadsword's video essay on the legend of sinbad and it was so good I had to write smth with it #also i thought the plot of the legend of sinbad was the smartest shit when I was a kid lol #indie comics

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secretmellowblog · 1 year ago

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People who try to analyze what happened on Tumblr on November 5th, 2020, often really overstate how much it was actually “about” Supernatural. As someone who has never been in the supernatural fandom ever but dID join in on the hysterical destielposting—it was really more about the stress of the pandemic and the 2020 presidential election.

The two biggest Youtubers I’ve seen try to dissect “what happened that November 5th” in video essays both weren’t American—- and I think that explains why they both tried to explain the hysteria primarily via analyzing the Supernatural fandom/the original show, rather than through the lens of the election. And while those videos are cool, valid, informational, and make lots of really well-considered interesting points— I can tell you that me and almost all my mutuals had literally no knowledge or interest in the fact that “oh supernatural had made nods at the ship in the past but the creators were adamant that I wouldn’t be canon” or etc etc etc etc. the first time I learned about any of that context was way later, watching videos where people claimed that fandom history context (that I did not know anything about) was the actual reason for the hysteria.

But the reality is that people latched on to the Destiel stuff because it was a piece of big useless inane zero-stakes fandom news in a time when we were desperately waiting for serious high stakes election news. We were latching onto a “positive “ piece of inane stupid fandom news in a time of great stress, with all the desperation of a drowning man who latches onto whatever piece of wood will keep him afloat.

The core of the hysteria was that Americans (who make up a huge chunk of tumblr’s userbase) were currently glued to their laptops watching the live presidential election vote counts come in. These vote counts were taking an extended amount of time due to the pandemic causing high numbers of mail-in ballots, resulting in a constant state of Election Day Stress for multiple days straight.

This was also during the height of the Pandemic. People had predicted Trump’s presidency would be bad; no one had predicted it would be this apocalyptically bad. No one had predicted pandemics and lockdowns and hospitals overflowing with bodybags. remember Trump spreading Covid lies and conspiracies?? There were so many Qanon conspiracies about democrats being Satanic child traffickers who had to be put to death, and coup threats were mounting from the right wing side. It seemed like this election was a choice between ‘centrist democrat’ and “apocalyptic right wing conspiracy theory authoritarianism,” in the midst of pandemic conditions that people feared would never ever improve— and it seemed like a close election.

Another major point was that Trump voters were more likely to be antimaskers/Covid deniers, while Biden voters were more likely to take the pandemic seriously— so Biden voters were more likely to send in mail-in ballots instead of risking the in-person voting crowds, which meant their ballots would take much longer to count. And so, in many state electoral vote counts, it would initially seem like Trump was very far in the lead— only for Biden to slooooowly build up an agonizingly small lead as the mail in ballots came in, and then defeat Trump at the very end.

So you’re just watching these news sites giving live election updates, refreshing the page every 2 minutes to see if you’re going to live under a spineless centrist democrat or a literal Qanon Dictatorship. And then you go on tumblr to distract yourself, and there’s more election posting, and more agonizing over the votes, and more stress and despair—-

And then it’s been days and we’re right at the crucial tipping point where it’s anyone’s game and the next few hours will determine whether Trump will win, so you need to keep your eye on the vote count, because the next hours will determine the future of the pandemic and your country and your plans for your entire life—

And then stupid Destiel becomes canon! And it becomes canon in the silliest way possible!

If Destiel had become canon at any other time, it would have been a big goofy tumblr celebration? But we wouldn’t have gotten the insane explosion of hysterical interaction.

The entire core of it was the contrast between the inane meaningless stupidity of fandom news vs the actual stressful election news you wanted to hear! It really is best conveyed in that meme where Castiel says “I love you” and Dean indifferently responds with a piece of important election news.

It’s about the contrast between the low-stakes inanity of fandom and the massive life-destroying stakes of a terrifying election. There really was no reason it had be Supernatural specifically, except that Supernatural was a thing everyone knew basic things about from dashboard osmosis— it could’ve been any other equally huge silly fandom ship news about a ship everyone *knew of* but might not necessarily be invested in (ex. Stucky becoming canon, Johnlock becoming canon, Kirk/Spock becoming more canon somehow, etc etc etc.)

I think it’s true that people who weren’t paying agonizingly close attention to the American election news got swept up in it, and that non American Supernatural fans also were extremely excited for purely fandom reasons — but the entire reason it blew up to an unprecedented degree was because of that core of stressed out terrified Americans glued to their computers watching election results and suddenly receiving stupid fandom news instead, and deciding to just hysterically parodically hyper-celebrate this absurd useless zero-stakes news.

I think it was also all elevated by the fact that, as I said before, this happened at the crucial “tipping point” of the election where the next few hours would determine the winner. The fact that Biden began to slowly develop a lead in the hours after made it feel, hysterically, as if the hours after Destiel became canon was somehow the turning point where he began to win; so celebrating Destiel felt like celebrating that slow turn towards victory.

The tl,dr is that it’s so important to Remember the Fifth of November …..in preparation the inevitable hysteria that will happen in the presidential election on November 5th of next year. XD. Personally I’m rooting for Johnlock or Frodo/Sam to somehow become canon in the eleventh hour right before the democrats win

#November 5th #november 5 2020 #the fifth of november #just a random ramble #November 5th 2020 is such an important day to me #it really is a holiday #but it does confuse me when I see people analyzing it primarily as a supernatural thing #instead of a ‘hysteria over an election reaches a breaking point when inane zero stakes fandom news comes out and we all latch onto it’thing #but yeah!!#this is my personal essay out of love for the holiday

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andyoullhearitagain · 8 months ago

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I'm fine.

#listen I think they should have just bit the bullet and given data a kid #I know it's 90s tv and we hate to change the status quo but worf got a son!!#why can't data??#in this essay I will-#data soong #star trek tng

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sapphia · 1 year ago

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congrats on hbomberguy for getting the internet's highest queer honour

#its because opposite forces must be diametrically opposed and the internet's highest dishonour is to be called out in a chuck tingle book #an hbomb video essay is only second. but one day they will join forces and the work they produce will kill jkr and we will finally be free #hbomberguy #chuck tingle #james somerton

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counting-stars-gayly · 1 year ago

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I’m actually LOVING how Rick Riordan, and the other writers of the show, took his initial concept of a Percabeth rivalry fueled by that of their parents and kind of turned it on its head?

Now, instead of Annabeth being wary of Percy because he’s a son of Poseidon, he’s wary of her because she made a callous impression on him. They get off to a rocky start even before finding out who Percy’s father is, and when they finally do, Annabeth doesn’t care. Instead of them fighting because of who their parents are, they’re fighting over their own opposed worldviews.

Then, instead of them arguing over which of the gods is cooler and who was right in the story of Medusa, they realize that, just like Medusa, Annabeth is a victim of her mother and that, unlike Medusa, she is a far kinder and stronger person, unwilling to repeat the cycle of hurt. They realize that, like his father, Percy often acts without considering potential consequences and that, unlike his father, he is a far kinder and stronger person, willing to step up for someone he wronged and whom he cares about.

Instead of Percy and Annabeth’s rivalry being focused on that of their parents, it’s focused on who they are, themselves. But the path to friendship is still the same: a realization that they have each other’s backs, no matter what, because they’re not their parents after all.

#i kind of typed this in my essay voice because I knew it would be long so ignore that #also I don’t actually know which of the other writers are playing big parts in percabeth’s story so threats why I put a focus on Riordan #that’s*#aaaaanyhoo if I’m being honest I definitely prefer this version of percabeth #AND I like that Medusa said ‘‘we are not our parents until we choose to be. you three have chosen’’ implying that she thinks they’ve chosen #to be their parents only for Percy to reveal in the next episode that he’s chosen to be better than his father.#that was a really nice touch 👌👌👌#percy jackson and the olympians #pjo #pjo disney+#percy jackson disney+#percy jackson #annabeth chase #Percabeth #rick riordan #Medusa #pjo tv show #pjo tv series #pjo tv spoilers

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lifeinked · 30 days ago

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Why I Love Caitlyn, and Why You Hate Her

⚠️ READER DISCRETION: I am not condoning Caitlyn’s actions and behavior, I am simply exploring the depth of her character and explaining what motivated her pursuit of revenge.

There’s no denying the gravity of Caitlyn’s actions as they are unquestionably wrong. However, her character cannot be reduced to these actions alone. This sudden, devastating behavior of hers is shaped by a thread of complex motivations and circumstances, but many choose not to acknowledge this simply because of her elite background.

Like many others, I initially overlooked the point of the gassing in Zaun, which I think is a crucial thing everyone must first understand before diving into the discourse over Caitlyn's character.

The Grey, often misunderstood as being used indiscriminately, was strategically deployed against the Chem-Barons to limit collateral damage. Caitlyn chose precision over chaos, targeting those directly responsible for Zaun’s turmoil. Furthermore, Caitlyn didn’t kill the Chem-Barons; she captured them, with net-deploying bullets. While her methods are controversial, they reflect a calculated approach; mischaracterizing her raid as a reckless attack ignores these details.

This isn’t to deny or excuse the fact that Caitlyn did, indeed, gas Zaun. Who’s to say that gas didn’t seep into the streets where innocent Zaunites roamed, harming them in the process? It’s entirely possible that innocents were affected and devastated. However, my brief explanation is only added to gain better perspective over the objectives of the gassing itself.

Now moving on, despite her privileged upbringing, Caitlyn shows a genuine effort to understand and connect with Zaunites. She places her trust in Vi, a Zaunite she’s never met before, to guide her in her search for Silco. Her journey through the undercity opens her eyes to the struggles of its people, challenging her perspective.

In S1E4, when investigating the airship attack, she encounters an undercity resident and reassures him, “I can protect you.” Later in the season, when Vi gets stabbed, Caitlyn encounters someone formerly connected to Vi. He’s grown a distaste over himself due to his appearance, and yet Caitlyn embraces him with compassion and tenderness, as a silent sign of gratitude. Then, she surrenders her cherished firearm—her only means of protection—in return for a healing potion to save Vi. In S1E7, Caitlyn’s heartfelt monologue in her conversation with Ekko perfectly captures her hope and determination: “This city needs healing. More than I ever realized. Please, let me help you.”

When Caitlyn and Vi stand in front of the Council, Caitlyn declares: “Councilors, this is Vi. She was born in the undercity. Even though we failed her in countless ways, she risked everything to show me what life is really like down there. People are starving, sick, ravaged by Shimmer. They live in constant fear of the coordinated efforts of violent crime lords.” This monologue alone shows how Caitlyn embodies optimism, believing in the inherent goodness of people, even Zaunites. It also shows that she is very willing to fight for them; she sees helping Zaunites as an act of bringing justice and equality into this world.

Many overlook the depth of Cassandra and Caitlyn’s relationship, reducing it to a simple narrative of a daughter mourning her mother. However, Caitlyn’s mourning is more layered than that. Throughout her life, she has been rebellious, driven by a desire to uncover the reality her mother tried to shield her from. In S1E4, Caitlyn reflects on this by saying, “She’d do anything to keep me from seeing the real world.” Caitlyn’s defiance wasn’t just rebellion for its own sake—it was a stand for her ideals. She sought enlightenment and understanding, even if it meant stepping outside the privileged bubble her mother built for her. By venturing into the undercity and aligning herself with Vi, Caitlyn rejected her mother's own ideals.

Here's another scene in S1E8 that emphasizes this:

Cassandra: You're a Councilor's daughter. Your actions reflect on the entire body. Caitlyn: My actions? You know what else reflects on the Council? Its citizens living on the streets. Being poisoned. Having to chose between a kingpin who wants to exploit them and a government who doesn't give a shit!

In a way, her actions mirror Vi’s: just as Vi betrayed her people by working with the enforcers, Caitlyn betrayed her own mother by involving herself with Zaunites. Remember: The last time we see Caitlyn and Cassandra interact on-screen is during Caitlyn’s plea before the Council. And in that moment, Caitlyn was fighting to protect the very kind that would soon kill her own mother.

You say that Caitlyn’s drastic shift is unjustified, as she’s only experienced a fraction of the suffering Zaunites have been enduring. But that’s precisely the point! Her transformation shows how personal loss can drive the change of one’s entire character; she’s never experienced loss before which is why it feels so heavy for her. And unlike Zaunites, Caitlyn actually has the power to act on her grief. Zaunites have only known misery their whole lives. When their loved one dies, they know there is nothing more they can do but grieve. They don’t have an inch of the privilege and military support Caitlyn has. If you had given them the same resources as Caitlyn, they wouldn’t hesitate to bring ruin to Piltover. Simply put, they don’t fight Piltovans because they don’t want to, but because they can’t.

When Jinx takes her mother away, her compassionate ideals completely shatter. Having always sought justice and understanding for Zaun, Caitlyn feels deeply betrayed, as her faith in the good within every Zaunite is overturned. Her mother’s death becomes a turning point—driving her to abandon her ideals and adopt Piltover’s disdain for the undercity, finally understanding the resentment many Piltovans harbor.

We also tend to forget that, aside from losing her mother, Caitlyn has directly suffered under the hands of Jinx. Caitlyn was held captive by Jinx in Season 1—and God knows what was done to her during that period. In the tea party scene, we see Caitlyn break down in tears, visibly flinching when Jinx moves toward her. It’s clear that Jinx has traumatized Caitlyn not just once, but twice. These experiences deeply shape Caitlyn’s actions moving forward. The pain and fear she’s endured push her to a place where she’s willing to sacrifice almost anything, even if it means putting a child’s life at risk (Isha's) or severing ties with Vi.

While they share their differences, Caitlyn and Jinx are the perfect example of foil characters. Here’s an instance which proves this: Both allow themselves to be influenced by manipulative, powerful figures all while being in a vulnerable state of mind.

Jinx is haunted by guilt; her attempt to save her family only ended up killing them, leaving her with the crushing weight of self-blame. She clings to Silco, not because he was the father she needed, but because he was the father she wanted. Silco indulged her destructive tendencies, keeping her at an all-time high on the edges of chaos. Fragile and broken, Powder crossed paths with Silco at the right moment; he saw the perfect chance to mold her into someone bewildered, unrestrained, and astray.

Caitlyn has her own Silco: Ambessa, the ruthless Noxian leader with a brutal philosophy of war. Ambessa enters Caitlyn’s life at a pivotal moment, stepping in just as Caitlyn is grappling with the devastating loss of her mother. In a spiral of self-identity, Caitlyn struggles with the weight of Piltover’s expectations and her unresolved guilt over her strained relationship with her mother (as explained in previous paragraphs). Just as young Powder mourns her family, Caitlyn blames herself for the death of her mother. Caitlyn got herself involved with the Zaunites even when she was warned not to, and at the expense of her defiance came the death of her mother. Driven by guilt and a thirst for vengeance, Caitlyn steps fully into her role, declaring in S2E1: “I am a decorated officer. Leader of House Kiramman.”

Jinx and Caitlyn share a tragic parallel: they both lose everyone they hold dear. Jinx loses Vi, Vander, Claggor, and Mylo. Caitlyn is left without Cassandra, Vi, Jayce, Mel, and Tobias. Stripped of their support systems, they are left isolated, with no one to confide in or rely on. They become vulnerable, used as pawns in the larger schemes of Silco and Ambessa’s strategic games.

Caitlyn's inner turmoil is exactly why Ambessa’s manipulation is so effective. Caitlyn is compelled to take revenge, but she doesn’t know how to. And without anyone else to guide her, she places her complete trust in Ambessa's expertise. Ambessa doesn’t just give Caitlyn the authority and power to avenge her mother; she teaches her how to use them to their full potential. She toys with Caitlyn's vulnerability, making her adopt the Noxian values of wrath, bloodshed, and ruthlessness.

It’s easy to downplay Caitlyn’s grief since she comes from an elite upbringing. While Cassandra Kiramman is laid to rest in a golden casket with a proper burial, countless innocents in Zaun become victims of merciless violence, being left to die on the streets. After the timeskip however, Caitlyn is shown to recognize the moral cost of her actions. Though the series portrays this realization subtly, it becomes evident that Caitlyn is grappling with the inhumanity and immorality of her pursuit of revenge. In S2E4, this internal conflict comes to light during her conversation with Ambessa. When Ambessa attempts to stoke her fury again, Caitlyn disarms her with a piercing question: “Why is peace always the justification for violence?”

Here's another scene that subtly depicts her realization and remorse:

Caitlyn: You're a monster. Why? Why do all this? Singed: Why does anyone commit acts others deem unspeakable? ... For love.

When Caitlyn steps further and sees Orianna, she realizes that Singed's revenge is a reflection of her own: a person grieving the death of their family member. Here, there's a saddened glint in her eyes. She finally understands now, that love and grief made her do things that once seemed so foreign to her. In this case, going against her own principles just to succeed in her revenge.

Caitlyn is now forever haunted by the outcome of her mistakes, but she knows her past cannot be erased. During her confrontation with Jinx in the prison, she admits, “No amount of good deeds can undo our crimes.” While this statement is directed at Jinx, it feels like Caitlyn also holds this against herself for her own wrongdoings.

Caitlyn’s acts of atonement are done quietly. She’s not good with words; she’s bad at articulating how she feels. Ironically, Vi is much better than Caitlyn when it comes to confronting and vocalizing internal conflict. So instead, Caitlyn’s actions speak for herself. By removing the guards at the prison, she tacitly allows Vi the opportunity to rescue Jinx. She knows Vi will come to save her sister, and yet she lets her. She finally lets go of Jinx and the grudge she held against her, as a silent act of her love for Vi.

And in S2E9, Sevika is shown to be sitting among the Councilors. But thanks to a fan's keen eyes, we find out that she is sat particularly on Cassandra Kiramman's chair (which not many notice). By allowing a Zaunite to occupy her mother's seat, Caitlyn gives them a chance to be rightfully represented, a chance for their voices and suffering to finally be heard. It’s a quiet display of Caitlyn’s evolution and willingness to bridge the divide between Piltover and Zaun.

That said, Arcane’s ending left much to be desired regarding Caitlyn’s arc. The heavy focus on Hextech overshadowed the sociopolitical dynamics of Piltover and Zaun. This is the main reason a lot of hate is thrown toward Caitlyn—there is an act of accountability, but there a lack of consequence. While Caitlyn acknowledges her mistakes, her privileged status keeps her from real repercussions, unlike the tragedy other characters had to face. This is frustrating, even to me, as someone whose favorite character is Caitlyn. Yet, in a way, it realistically portrays the inequalities in our own world—where the elite are often shielded from justice, and repentance is the closest they ever come to redemption.

#arcane #caitlyn kiramman #character analysis #league of legends #caitlyn #essay #in this essay i will #food for thought #i guess we really are a league of legends #caitvi #violyn #arcane vi #season 2 spoilers

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