#i would and will eventually write many essays about them but for now i am gonna go back to pretending to do homework

[kaipassedgo]

every day i wake up and am mad at the end of steves storyline and the full and complete lack of people who GET IT

[raine-dance]

Tbh Red vs Blue didn't really intend to lean too far into the dissociative lens with Leonard Church as far as I can tell. He's an AI that's a reconstruction of a real person, through the use of brain-mapping technology. Church, the AI, became a system through... conventional traumatic means, and that's almost where they leave it in terms of direct reference to the disorder. But it's still interesting to look at things within that lens, and while I do eventually intend to collect my thoughts into a video essay, I think I'd like to share one train of thought here because I think it's legitimately interesting.

Everyone knows about the cliché of the murderous alter. Red vs Blue's most notable example is Sigma. Now I know that on this sentence alone, many would criticise me calling Church the best DID representation I've seen in media, especially given that they also misnomer the disorder as MPD, but I think Sigma is the most interesting example of the trope, because he actually has something to say about the treatment of those with dissociative disorders.

For one, I think that character context is important. Church (as in Alpha) was created to be a murder machine - the Director would force Church to split and extract the new split into its own AI unit, given to Freelancers with the express purpose of making them more effective soldiers. Almost everyone in the series is a killer, although some are more effective than others, and nowhere is this description more applicable than Project Freelancer.

With that in mind, the Freelancers were given seminars on the workings of AI - in the series, an AI fragment might try to "metastabilise," or reconnect with other fragments of the same AI, to achieve a sense of wholeness. If I recall, AI were supposed to remain inactive for these seminars, but Agent Maine was fond of Sigma due to Sigma's ability to act as a mouthpiece for him after an injury, and Sigma was made aware of the concept of "metastability." As such, he decided that he wanted to achieve metastability, and this decision kicks off the vast majority of RvB's plot.

There are many things getting in the way of Sigma's plan, however, and first and foremost is the fact that all of the other AI fragments have been allotted to other Freelancer agents. While there may have been a conflict of interest for Maine, Sigma had a clear goal in mind, and was ultimately conditioned to achieve it - the AI units were made to kill, and this is a large part of why he proceeds with his plan.

So, why am I mentioning this? I'm not just here to defend this writing decision, I said this plotline had something to say about the treatment of systems, and it does, either intentionally, or, more likely, not - first, it deals with how the world surrounding systems form how they react to the issues the world involves them in, something that is true of not only us, but of everyone. Second, it challenges the idea that final fusion is the healthiest and only acceptable treatment for systems.

The only reason Sigma strives for something analogous to final fusion is because he was told by someone who should be an expert that this is the only way forward for him. The only way to achieve, in direct quote, "humanity," a goal he had already been striving for. And the tragic thing is that he believed that this was the case when the viewer looking at the show through a dissociative lens already knows it isn't, both in real life, and in the series.

Church, as in the Alpha AI, and later Epsilon, is one of the most human characters in the show. He's a lot of things - a bit arrogant, very brash, and often pissed off, but he cares about his friends, and does everything in his power to help them succeed, even sacrificing himself as Epsilon for them. He was human once, and as an AI, is a reconstruction of that former humanity, and he still manages to retain it. As Epsilon, he achieves functional multiplicity until the plot forces him to go through final fusion to save his friends, and the act, in the timeline of Seasons 15-18, at least, literally kills him.

The treatment of systems matters so much to me. And despite starting out as a crass comedy show about the shittiest soldiers in the galaxy, with the relevant seasons having released 13 years ago, the series still manages to treat us with more respect and challenge more issues relating to how society treats us than most, if not all media that deems us interesting enough to be plot-relevant does now. I have a lot of thoughts about it all, and whenever I feel like it, I'll probably write more about it. Thanks for reading, if you did make it this far, I'm just rambling and all, but if this matters even half as much to someone else as it does to me, that makes me happy.

[cels-not-so-secret-love-affair]

evening comforts (minerva/poppy)

a/n: this is some very fluffy minerva mcgonagall x poppy pomfrey. i’ve been told their ship name is wiseflower? cute if true. anyways, i was so very kindly requested to write this by a very dear friend, and i really enjoyed it! i love receiving requests.

Minerva’s barely turned back to her marking when there’s yet another knock on the door. She sighs, and speaks without looking up, eyes still scanning the essay beneath her fingertips with intent. Her tone is one of barely constrained exasperation.

‘For goodness’ sake, Mr Black!’ she calls. ‘I am perfectly aware of your feelings towards tutoring but I regret to inform you that you’re doing it anyway. If you are wanting to have yet another argument with me about it you’ll be kind enough to come again tomorrow morning.’ There is no reply. Preparing herself to put on her best scolding voice, she huffs and sets down her quill, before looking up towards the door. Her eyes widen slightly when she finds, not her remarkably talkative pupil as expected, but Poppy Pomfrey. She’s wearing a warm smile and the edges of her figure are soft and hazy in the firelight.

‘Sirius is in trouble, I take it?’ she giggles.

‘When is he not?’ Minerva groans, dropping her head into her hands. The act is somewhat overdramatic. Poppy looks at her fondly and crosses to the desk to rub her shoulders. Before them, the fire warming the room crackles happily in its hearth.

‘Have you much more to do?’ Poppy asks softly.

‘It seems it. I’m sorry, my dear. Know I’d much prefer to spend my evening settled in bed with you.’

‘I’m not fussed. I’ve a book, and you’ve a nice warm room with a spare chair in it. I can keep you company, if you don’t mind?’ Minerva turns to beam up at her wife, her smile lighting up her eyes with affection behind her old fashioned reading glasses.

‘That would be absolutely wonderful.’

The following hour or so passes quietly and comfortably. It’s a tender, loving silence that they sink into, all shared smiles and flicking pages. What Poppy is reading is less of a book and more of a tome; its big and heavy, with lots of lengthy annotations in neat looping cursive and detailed botanical diagrams. She’s got it suspended in the air before her - a handy trick that means she doesn’t have to strain her neck - and every now and then she’ll adjust its position with an easy flick of her wand. Minerva alternates between marking the stack of essays before her, as are her professional duties, and gazing fondly at Poppy when she’s not looking, as are her wifely duties. Halfway through a particularly long and poorly written page of parchment she gives up on marking entirely and draws out a clean sheet from her desk alongside a set of pencils. Over time, slow, careful strokes of graphite weave themselves into a larger picture, beginning to merge together into light and shadow. These build and build until the drawing is recognisable as the woman sat before her - relaxed comfortably in an armchair, with loose curls cradling her face prettily and warm, rosy cheeks. The portrait is not completely faithful to real life. Here and there edges are softened. Her hospital uniform falls away, and she is clothed instead in a flattering boat neck top with loose sleeves, and a long denim skirt with buttons down the front. It’s a portrait conjured up through the lens of a lover. Poppy at her happiest.

The sketch does get put away though, eventually, and Minerva returns with reluctance to the very last of her marking. After about four more pages though, she’s finished, and rounds off her final letter with a satisfying flourish. Poppy looks up, having grown accustomed to the sound from many a evening spent just like this one. She lets her book fall to her lap with an almost imperceptible whoosh.

‘Excellent timing, my love. I’ve just finished my chapter.’ Minerva smiles sleepily at her and stands up to stretch.

‘Most of them did better than I thought they would,’ she says, gesturing to the pile of neatly stacked papers. ‘I’m rather proud.’

‘All down to your wonderful teaching, I’m sure,’ Poppy replies whilst following her wife’s example and pulling herself up to her feet. Minerva, though quite past her schoolgirl days, flushes ever so slightly at her words.

‘I should think it time to go to bed now, yes?’

‘Very much so.’

‘After you then, dearest. I’d like you to tell me all about your book on the way up.’

[darrys-laundry]

i’ve seen some people expressing their gratitude to ms. towel and what the outsiders means to them, and i’d like to join:

i, like many of us, read the outsiders in eighth grade. it was one of the first essays of mine that i specifically remember a teacher asking to keep as an example.

(this teacher would go on to ask to keep many of my essays, and she’s perhaps the biggest reason i am where i am today, even despite the fact that she continues humbly deny this.)

anyways, i’m 23 now, about to be 24, but i was 13-14 then; and i still have the grading paper from our greaser vs soc debate.

(i was a greaser btw, and we beat those damn socs, lol.)

anyways, when i got to high school, i tried to take a script writing workshop. i was the only minor, and i started to have horrible, horrible panic attacks. ultimately, i ended up dropping out, but i had emailed the script bible to that english teacher, and she’d encouraged me to keep going. to keep writing.

flash forward, i’ve now graduated with a degree in tv writing and producing because my eighth grade believed in me. (never underestimate the power of teachers.)

now— this is the part where i admit: i was throwing-in-the-towel’s chicago tour anon 🫶

the outsiders was supposed to debut in chicago my freshman year of college, and even hearing the words ‘the outsiders’ as i was about to embark on my college career reignited something in me. it reminded me who put me here. and even the prospect of getting to see the book reimagined as a musical, reinforced my love of theatre.

(obviously, the pandemic got in the way, and while i like to joke that it’s my villain origin story, i don’t think we’d have what we have today if it hadn’t.)

when i finally did get back into the outsiders following this year’s tony awards, i really did try to resist the hyperfixation.

(and well, we all know how well that worked for user darrys-laundry)

i’ve been in fandom my whole life, and the idea of starting over in a new fandom scares the shit out of me, every single time, but my therapist literally tasked me to interact with content, and to at least give it a try.

so, i followed ms. towel. and that felt like a manageable amount of engagement for the time being.

and then i got brave enough to send some anon messages, and i made some art on my own blog, and eventually i became the chicago tour anon 🫶

i asked ms towel just about every question ever when i was trying to plan my own trip to see the show. (see: deeply anxious person.) and she answered every single one. i’ve always really appreciated that.

and i always thanked her for her kindness and generosity with the fandom; for reinforcing boundaries between us and the actors at the stage door, and for fostering a community here.

i’ve been trying to be really intentional with my gratitude lately. we need to let people know that what they’re doing means something to us, and i told ms towel as much.

anyways, i’m rambling as always, this book, this show means the world to me. and this fandom means something to me now too, for as much as i’d resisted, because of ms towel’s generosity, and the space that she’d created.

so, thank you ms. towel.

i’m going to keep creating for this thing that i love, and engaging with fandom now that i’m brave enough 🥲.

i’ll try to bring you tour content when it becomes available. 🫶

[qloof]

On this very day. What has binded you so much onto Masamune? What did he do that you take him everywhere? /lh

my rewatch of metal masters in like 2020 changed the trajectory of my life for real. that stupid green idiot was so comical and cringe and endearing his story and writing and character really stuck to me and 15 year old me saw a bit of myself in him and then proceeded to add a little more of myself to him and it all went downhill from there. he's quite the easy guy for me to project onto and still have it be reasonable/in character? (at least...i think it does..) if that makes sense. i also saw how he was generally perceived by different parts of the mfb fandom and i will not lie i related to being perceived the same way in certain aspects in real life. i went "he's just like me fr" once and look where i am now. it's a little funny because when i was younger i really loved tsubasa and the whole reason i got back into mfb was because of tsubasa but my brain took a complete 180 and attached itself to a totally different character.

before the revived Beyblade obsession, the previous thing i was into was minecraft streamers and while they were entertaining there's like a line of things between things that you can and can't do with them like you can fictional characters. and i think because the last time i was really into fictional characters was like…when i was 12 (even then i was mostly absorbed into my OCs) i just went ham. i haven't loved a fictional character as much as i love masamune before. he hasn't let go of my brain and although it's a little silly this guy really does help me get through the days and helps me reassure myself. i think about him a lot every day and sometimes i'll just go "no way…masamune kadoya" in my head whenever i think about him😭😭😭 drawing him being silly and happy brings me so much joy !! putting him into situations is incredibly fun !! ive met my best friends and partner through loving this guy !!! woagghh !!!

there are still lots of things i want to draw that i havent yet and i hope to get to them eventually. some things i havent drawn because theyre way outside my skill level right now and others because i fail to defeat executive dysfunction very often. there are...many thoughts i have about masamune and one of them is about how much money he owes me for living in my head. it's gotta be at least a million dollars atp. if i wasn't so awful at putting all my thoughts into words i probably wouldve written so many things about him honestly but i dont think in words im afraid (one reason why im primarily an artist helpppp). i honestly do not know where i would be without mr number one blader masamune kadoya. i joke about kinning but like lowkeyyyyyyy

ANWYAYS I WENT ON LIKE AWHOLE ESSAY OOPS i didnt know if this ask was asking for a joking or actual response, but a response you have gotten !!

[sebastianmichaelisslander]

my good friend i'm curious. because i am Very Normal about characters and i know you are also Very Normal about characters i would like to know. is there any kuro character you love enough/have enough thoughts about to write an essay on them? and why? because i know we have many characters we both love and some we disagree on i'd love to hear a bit of in-depth stuff about your faves!!

I am so, so, very glad I received this ask 😭🙏🏼💐 you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for something like this!!!

Alright, I’m going to talk about one of my comfort characters: Mey-Rin.

And as this blog is for (semi-jokingly) slandering Sebastian, let me begin by saying that Seabass absolutely does not deserve this girl:

I mean, just look at her. 😭🙏🏼

Where do I begin?

First off, I feel like she’d be sharper and more perceptive than she gets credit for. I don’t buy that she doesn’t suspect a thing about Sebastian. She’d know something is very, very off about him from the start, even if he does show her kindness she’s seldom experienced before. I also think that’s the reason she wouldn’t have acted upon the crush she had on him - not just because she isn’t sure of his own feeling towards her, but also because something tells her it wouldn’t end well.

These observational skills are also partly why she’s more emotionally intelligent than she thinks. She truly is the mum friend - very helpful, very protective, and always someone you can come to with your problems. If you’ve noticed, she’s fretting over Finny, Bard, Ciel and Seb at several points in the manga. I also see her as the sort who worries more than she should, especially about those she cares for. This would also make her quite the overthinker - the sort to worry about stuff after it happens as she’s often in situations where she needs to act in the moment.

Although she’s primarily a long-range fighter, I do think she’d know her stuff when it comes to hand-to-hand combat - enough to help her in sticky situations. She’s lived on the streets for a lot of her formative years, so she would know how to remain aware of her surroundings and have a mean right hook. I also write her as more assertive than in canon. Partly because I wish we got to see her shine more, and partly because I think it would be a given if you look at her backstory and what all she’s had to survive.

I also enjoy portraying her as the sort who lowkey has a sassy side, but only once she gets comfortable enough with the person for them to know it’s all in jest coming from her. She’d make a wisecrack and then apologise for roasting them. 😂😭

Now, going back to her and Sebastian because I still have more to say: I’m also not a Sebamey shipper as I don’t like how quite a few fics shipping her with Sebastian portray her as his doormat or some damsel in distress 😭 but even if that’s not the case, just the fact that it’s a canon possibility he’d use her just as he used Beast lowkey puts me off. I’ll still read fics in which he’s a good partner to her, though - they’re fun.

I also like to think that while she is infatuated with Sebastian at first, it eventually turns into an “I admire him and aspire to be as good at my job” sort of thing. I think she developed a crush on him because he was one of the few men who showed her genuine kindness - even if it’s part of his act. I think most of the men she’s come across were the opposite - and that she’d also had some genuinely scary experiences with them (which I have implied in my works with her). I also don’t think she’d trust them in a hurry, even if she appears unbothered by men she meets at first.

About her life after she starts working at the manor: much like any other woman, all she wants is to feel desirable, especially when she gets to dress and live as one properly.

I also think that she’s a romantic at heart who loves the idea of finding someone who loves her for who she is, although she probably feels it’s all but a pipe dream. I think she’s probably had an experience or two before - probably fleeting ones. Living out most of her life pretending to be a man meant she didn’t have many opportunities at all for this sort of thing, even on the down low. So she hasn’t had any proper experiences with romance. I’m remembering the panel in which she’s extremely flustered after Ronald flirts with her, saying that’s the first time she’s been hit on. I like to interpret that as her feeling like this is the first time someone has made genuine romantic advances towards her.

As for her hobbies and any other interests outside of her job… I don’t know why, but I see her as the artsy kind with humanities girl energy. She seems like the sort who’d be a great artist and surprisingly good at painting. I also like to think she’d try to read more after Sebastian teaches her how to, often using a small part of her wages to buy novels (she loves both the macabre ones and the sappy romantic ones, lol). She’d underline any word she doesn’t know, probably asking Sebastian what it means later on.

I’d like to know more about her pastimes, likes, dislikes, and her as a character overall in canon as well. There’s still potential to expand upon a great deal.

That’s it for now on her! I’m going to do Othello next 😂 and then Ludger, mayhaps - or William and Grelle. My brain isn’t working today, so apologies for any vagueness or if I didn’t explain myself too clearly dhfjdkdb 😭

[contentloadingandstuff]

Hi I know it was a vent post and you probably don't want anyone to i guess give advice/support (idk what to call this) but!! As a person who consumes content, especially written, i can tell you for sure that writing is a great skill to have! Like in school, people would pay me to write/help them with essays. But that's not important - what is important is that you are a great writer! And I don't know how long it's been since you started trying things outside of tumblr, but things take time. Unless you are super famous or have connections, you're not going to get involved in things right away. And that's okay!!! That doesn't mean you suck. It allows you to build a name for yourself as you continue doing great work that will get you recognized eventually!

But seriously, writing is NOT a skill that EVERYONE can just do. I've read work from people who could be a great artist as you said, but their writing reads as if it was written by a child. Or even a decent enough story that is better than a child's level, but still flows horrible and makes me try to skip parts to get to what I'm interested in. And I see this very prominently in the nsfw spaces, although there are some great writers like you, there are just as many (and im not trying to be rude) subpar writers. There's just no way I can stress enough that writing, especially being able to write things of a good quality, is a skill that is very important and i know you'll get to where you hope to be in time, and am grateful you continue to make content!

Like literally i am obsessed with your blog and I check at least every 2 days or so if not every day at least once. Please continue the great work you do, and continue growing in your craft and i knowyou will achieve your goals and i will personally look forward to everything you'll write!

-an experienced fanfic reader!

It's perfectly okay to write as you did here - posting my thoughts on a public blog means that I'm alright with people seeing it and commenting on it. Hm... Now that I think of it, I may be over sharing on the blog in general, but, honestly? It's my corner of the internet, and it's an important place to me - so it's probably alright. Anyway...

I wasn't expecting anybody to put this level of thought into any sort of interaction with me, if I am to be honest. I'm positively taken aback.

First of all, thank you. Reading this was very uplifting, and I will hold onto your ask, returning to it in moments of doubt. I can't stress how wholesome it felt... So just... Thank you.

The amusing thing is that I was never a great student at school, and essays that I created (both in my native language, Polish, and English) were usually mediocre. But I definitely had a better time, enjoyment wise, with Polish essays since those in English were always absurd. Very general, require certain hard words or phrases, and the damned word limit. On my highschool finals in C1 English I had to write an essay about the risks and opportunities AI provides (if I had a penny for every time I wrote about something like this, I would have a lot of them, but I wouldn't be able to buy more than a pack of gum)... in under 800 words. I'm a simple guy - either do it properly, or don't do it at all. These kinds of restrictions are the bane of my writing. Still, I got an 88%. Polish is similar, but there's no arbitrary word limit and the formal requirements go on for pages of rules and regulations. Brr. Never want to do it again. But I will. Since I'm studying law and all. The point is, I wasn't good at writing in the official sense - which doesn't give me a solid base of confidence in myself, and it's visible in the frequency of me doubting myself here.

Tsk. Pathetic. I'm making a clown of myself in front of hundreds of people, am I not? Typical of me.

In general, having my own blog killed most of my interest in reading and watching what others are doing, though I still occasionally read up. And when I do - comparisons. Okay, so this fic is short, not much attention paid to pacing and style, quite generic in topic, written with the most stereotypical words for this kind of content, but it's nice... Oh? Oh. It has over two thousand likes, reblogs and comments. Cool. What does it do that I don't? Am I writing too long fics? I do think so, because short form tends to get more attention. That's perfectly reasonable, but sad nonetheless. I can't fully enjoy the stuff of other people for another reason as well - my mind screams a question at me every short moment - "and what have YOU done that measures up to this?". This doesn't only apply to fics. Kinkymation, a nsfw comic creator for genshin, zzz and a few others that's quite famous, has it all seemingly - very characteristic and memorable style, good, wholesome content, lots of it too, and can write a good enough narrative. I even heard that he does animations now. The only minor shortcoming is I think the lack of variation in his stuff - everything is vanilla ice cream, wholesome-romantic and slightly cheesy at times. But he's still a great cc.

He has everything one could dream of in this "field", and I constantly compare myself to him. And the conclusion? I am nothing. I am a flounder, a bottom feeder in comparison to him.

It's not that I want to earn money - as you surely noticed, I never ever prompted my Kofi since I made it in spring of 2024. I just want to make something that I can be proud of, especially if it includes joining forces with those that make up for my lack of artistic skills. It would be very nice, for sure.

Alas, the reality is what it is, as the saying goes.

Never mind. On a final note, if you're checking contentloadingandstuff this frequently, I really need to kick myself into high(er) gear. You wish me well, and I should show some basic gratitude.

Again, thank you. So much.

[thoughtfulfoxllama]

I know I said I'd do Sabbath today, but my wife were talking on the car ride to the family reunion, and she convinced me to share my thoughts then instead

Neurodiversity in the Scriptures

Now, when I did a Communications Class back in Spring 2023, I had to write a persuasive essay. I did mine on Neurodiversity in History. I don't have access to the slideshow anymore, but I remember I came to the conclusion Achilles had ADHD (like that time he FOUGHT A RIVER!!!)

Anyway, it started when I asked "who most likely had ADHD: Adam or Eve"

Cain & Abel, the First Murderer & Martyr

Anyway, it started with a discussion about Cain & Abel. They each had their roles (Cain was a Farmer, Abel was a Shepherd), and this relates roughly to early human development. Early humans were hunter-gatherers

While Abel was not a Hunter-Gatherer, it can be implied that he was away from home a lot. Many early Shepherds are Nomadic, moving where they could feed their herds (and Abel would have to move them, given the deep winters in Far West (where Cain killed his brother)). In addition, he would have been protecting his sheep even in the Summer, when he sent them out to pasture

Cain was a Farmer. He would have had a sedentary lifestyle, needing to remain in one place year round, to plant, nourish, harvest, and prepare for the next cycle. This is also seen in the fact that he founded a city (Enoch, unrelated to the city that was translated)

Now, in "ADHD: A Hunter in a Farmer's World," it discusses how Sedentary Lifestyles eventually lessened the necessity of these traits (although they were still seen as valuable in a religious sense, and even then, they didn't start being seen as truly negative overall until the Industrial Era. I am writing a whole essay on this for my Multicultural Education class)

So, while acknowledging the reality of Cain & Abel as individuals, Cain killing his brother is also representative of Neurotypicals trying to lessen Neurodiversity (although, Seth was said to be a replacement for Abel, and in the Apocrypha, he does go on a journey, so his birth gives us hope that Neurodiversity can't be eliminated)

This is in no way trying to diss on the 3 Neurotypicals on Tumblr, and the many amazing ones I know in real life. But it is merely explaining the trend of early human cultures with the advent of Sedentary Lifestyles

Abraham, the Father of Multitudes

Abraham is one of my favorite Prophets. He was also a Nomad, living in Canaan (and Egypt for about a year). We read that he was an active seeker for knowledge & the Priesthood. Not all knowledge seekers are Neurodiverse of course, but many people who were throughout history have had scholarly disposition (possibly as a way of fitting in)

In the Apocrypha, he displayed disregard for social norms as well as bottom-up thinking (another common trait). Specifically, his father made Idols, and he didn't believe in them. So, when his father was out, he grabbed a stick, smashed all except the largest, and put the stick and a bowl of food in front of the largest. His dad was mad about Abram's vandalism, but Abram blamed the Idol. His dad said it couldn't, and Abram said "if they can't do something as simple as smash each other, then what are the chances they can bring rain/fertility/protection/ECT."

Also, Abraham 3 & Facsimile 2. Tell me that doesn't read like someone talking about their special interest in Astronomy

Moses, the Lawgiver

Moses has had an interesting life. Born Hebrew, raised Egyptian, died a Nomad

The first indication of Neurodiversity is him being "slow of speech & slow of Tounge." It got to the point where his brother had to speak for him many times. Neurodiverse people often have times gathering, focusing, and expressing their thoughts. Many Neurodiverse People have to go through Speech Therapy (which didn't exist at that point in time). Plus, being royal, he might have been encouraged to keep quiet, so as to not embarrass the family (it's interesting that Enoch was also slow of speech, and performed many miracles on par with Moses)

When he brought the people to Sinai, he told Jethro he was completely overwhelmed, with the stress of leadership. Jethro told him he was doing too much, and needed support. It's common for Neurodiverse people to try to take on too much. For some, they don't know their limits. For others, they're trying to be seen as "normal" or "productive"

He's also impulsive. I mean, the Israelites were very annoying, but he smashed the 10 Commandments, beat up a rock until it gave water, and cursed them with all the diseased quail they could eat (don't complain when your dad gives you food. Your older brother will poison you)

And we have to look at the "Oral Torah." These were traditions allegedly given to Moses at Sinai, to explain the Written Laws. Christ was likely a Pharisee himself, although he often disregarded the Oral Torah (picking food on the Sabbath, not doing Abutions before eating, ECT). Or did he? He never actually said anything about the Oral Law, but judging people based on it. Basically, if it works for you, that's fine. But don't judge other people for not needing the hedges you need (and don't judge others for keeping up their hedge, just because you don't need one). Just remember that the Hedges won't save you, but if they make life easier for you, than go for it

If we do accept that it came from Moses (it definitely came before the Babylonian Exile at the least), than that could be more evidence. He could have come up with various rules for himself, and other people took his interpretations as beholden on all. "Moses doesn't write on the Sabbath, so if you write, you're breaking it."

Jesus of Nazareth, Savior & King

I want this to be respectful, but I believe that the Savior is definitely not Neurotypical. This is controversial, but I say it is only controversial because of our view of Jesus. We have the idea that conformity is Holiness (well, not the Tumblr Saints, but I've heard people say that Jesus can't return with a beard because he'd "give the appearance of evil")

But look at Jesus. He disregarded social norms left and right. Letting a sinful women wash his feet, standing between a blood-thirsty crowd & an adulterous woman, whipping corrupt merchants in the Temple. This is only the tip of the iceberg. Christ broke all the norms, and questioned every norm (although, please wash your hands before eating, that's not what he meant)

Neurodiverse People often get overwhelmed when around people. Often after teaching crowds, he retreated to be alone. After a Wedding (cough his own cough cough), he left to be alone in the desert for 40 days (a practice replicated by the Desert Fathers/Mothers, and celebrated every year during Lent). He told people to get away from others to pray deeply, and according to Pres McKay he often meditated (often done alone, and it can help deal with overstimulation)

The Ongoing Restoration: Neurodiversity in the Modern Church

Neurodiversity has only been really understood in the past century. I don't want to officially diagnose anyone in the Scriptures, because: it wasn't a concept (or even a disorder) in that time, and we only have a small window into their lives. "Did King David have ADHD because he was impulsive?" Not up to me to say

But, in my experience, Mormonism is very Neurodiverse. Nearly everyone my age or younger in my Wards were neurodiverse. And many of these people are of Pioneer Heritage (and I've also noticed some traits in my Family History, but that's for when I finish my Family History Project)

I can see why Neurodiverse people would be attracted to the early church. The idea that God isn't just listening, he's answering. The thought that God made us who we are, and made us to have Joy, not by ignoring, but embracing what makes us different. The answer to the Heaven-Hell Dichotomy, which annoyed me before I joined. Exaltation, being made gods. An eternity with the people you want to be with. A clear path forward. Zion, the idea that we should be one in heart, giving a community where we can be loved for who we are, and where we have a framework to show our love. And, as stated above, a respite from Industrial Society which oppressed them (until the railroad...)

I can also see why Neurodiverse People would be drawn away. Maintaining conformity and sameness through shunning, lack of freedom to form opinions (Correlation really was a double edged sword, and this is why I post my Hot Takes), and the embrace of the same issues that caused us to be oppressed in the Industrial Revolution (thanks Benson...)

But let's not forget our origins. Maybe we can't affect widespread change in the Church, but we have a responsibility to make our Wards & Stakes more open and accepting of Neurodiverse Individuals. But, we can't fall to the other extreme, of shunning anyone who is "normal." The Church should be open to everyone, and everyone has their place

I've got ADHD (and possibly Autistic, but I can't get tested), and I'm in the Sunday School Presidency. The President was busy for the First Year, and I basically led the Sunday School in my Ward (I was his only Councilor, and the Teachers were also going through stuff). I was effective at organizing everything until Pres [Redacted] could get to it. But I preferred subbing for the teachers (and was good at it). My place is there: supporting the organization (able to take lead, but preferring not to), and understanding what the individuals need. I'll have other Callings in the Future, but for now, I'm where I belong, and no one else could do what I can. Everyone, Typical & Diverse, needs to find their place, and get the support they need

And remember, suggestions are always welcome. So far, I only have the Sabbath on my list. Maybe a post on Folk Magic, but I'll need to do more research

[positivelyadhd]

hello!! I have returned with another random thought about ADHD/neurodiversity that I feel like I've known for ages but never really had the words for it so! this is partially an infodump because I can't shut up but also if you don't mind reading my long ramble on the relationship between ND people and online spaces I would love to know your opinion because I haven't seen many people talking this?

I have written a long rambly thought dump that I'll put under the cut if you want to know the details but the TLDR is: I think something about the internet is just a lot more suited to ND people and gives us more of a place to unmask than the real world does? in my experience, the more online I was the more unmasked and happy in myself I was but when I started masking to fit in in the real world I kind of,, lost that?

I've always felt there's a very strong link between neurodivergent people and social media and well tend to gravitate towards each other (which I adore and would love to write an essay about one day when I can function better! I wanted to study it for my dissertation at uni but there wasn't really enough to go on sadly </3)

but I've also been thinking about masking and I just realised,,, in my own life at least, I feel like online I naturally unmask? and I don't know if that's because I'm around neurodivergent people online more often and them unmasking makes me feel safe to unmask or if it has more to do with the way social interactions are inherently different online (I always feel there's less room to overthink/it's less draining. I only have to think about my words rather than body language/expression/volume/how the other person is responding ect ect)?

I have been chronically online since I was about 12 and that has shaped me as a person very much (and saved me too <33) but I always felt more able to unmask online and was also more likely to actually be rewarded for it? by meeting other neurodivergent people that would talk about The Thing We Love!!

I met my best friends online and they all happen to be neurodivergent (although we didn't know at the time!) and I know this is a very common experience for neurodivergent people! and it's partly why I think the internet is so wonderful!

when I was younger I had a fanpage on Instagram that got more followers than it should've given how young I was and I'd become a part of a community I was so happy and safe in which kind of,, made up for the fact I didn't have that at all in school?

I have been having the usual quarter life crisis recently and a lot of that is because in those few years I had no friends but an online space I loved I was so sure of myself and my identity I think because I had a space I could unmask freely? I also wasn't very good at masking at school so I struggled to fit in but I was happier knowing I could be myself then trying to force myself to be something I wasn't?

eventually I did make friends irl who I adore but around that time is when I started to lose who I was, I hadn't realised until just now that the time I started fitting in with other people was the same time I stopped doing the things I loved and ended up so burned out most everyday tasks are overwhelming?

also like I see a lot of people say, getting my diagnosis taught me to start understanding how to accept myself and it changed my life for the better! my school didn't do anything to support me but I learnt a lot about myself and started to understand that I am,, different to neurotypical people and that's okay!! however,, back then the neurodoversity movement was nowhere near as great and listened to as it is now so I feel like I almost,, gave up? felt like I'd been told by the external world so many times that I had to mask that I learnt how to?

i think unconsciously I started masking instead of trying to grow towards self acceptance like I was before. but with the way the wider world is talking about neurodiversity now I feel like the whole concept of unmasking is more acceptable now? also I am an adult that can make my own decisions not a 13 year old that has teachers and other 13 year olds so I don't have to deal with people not accepting me the way I did when I was younger?

idk if that makes any sense but I have many thoughts about masking ! thank you for reading <3

[a-dragons-journal]

Singlet+

I've been meaning to write this one for a while, so let's see how this goes.

~1k words; essay on the experience of one person who sits right on the funny little edge between "normal roleplay experience" and "actual plurality".

So, let's start with this: I am not plural. But. I do seem to live in a weird space juuuuust on the edge of plurality (and no, I do not mean that I'm a median or blurry system - I mean on the edge of that).

For one thing, I'm a daemian - that is, I practice daemonism; that is, I have personified and given faux autonomy (fauxtonomy, if you will) to my "internal narrator" of sorts and he now lives in my brain with me as a thoughtform, a brain companion, in the shape of an animal. Strictly speaking, that does qualify us for plurality, but we personally don't view our daemonism through that framework and consider ourselves a singlet (as hilarious as the plural grammar makes that sentence, I know). Many daemons don't consider themselves plural; this isn't particularly unusual - in muir case, Locke is a part of me before he is anything else, and while yes there are forms of plurality that look like that, for us personally it makes more sense to view him as "part of me, therefore, still one person".

For another, I had... basically plural experiences when I was younger. I don't want to talk about the details publicly, but suffice to say that for many years I had what I would now call headmates, and I suspect that if I had been exposed to plural spaces during that time period, they may well have stuck around permanently, instead of "fading out" and eventually disappearing as is what actually happened. To this day I don't know how "real" or "imaginary" they were, and I doubt I ever will - they were certainly real to me at the time, but I have also always been very good at suspension of disbelief. Trying to analyze it in any great level of detail is made basically impossible by my piss-poor episodic memory rendering the memories of that time so fuzzy that I can't rely on them for details.

For another, my experiences with OCs are often... soulbond-adjacent? Recently in particular I've had a lot of funny experiences with an OC of mine, a character in a Vampire: The Masquerade campaign I'm a part of (Viridian Caldwell, for my own future self's reference), which led me to do some research on soulbonding because of how fictive-adjacent the experience of her is.

And yet. The answer is a definite no. I get very strong impressions and echoes from her; she "gives" me facts about her and her life that simply Are and that I feel as strongly about being true and unchangeable as I do about my own noemata; she's almost a separate person living in my brain sometimes; I somehow come up with near-prophetic knowledge about her world (as confirmed by my Storyteller, who happens to be part of a system alongside a number of fictives from the world in question, including several who know Viridian personally) with zero explanation on a semi-regular basis.

And yet. The answer is no. Because while I seem to have all the effects a soulbond proper would produce on my end - she is not aware of me, not really. She is not conscious of my world and my life. When I really quiet my own brain and reach out to call out and see if someone's there, there's only silence. It's as though I have a one-way soulbond somehow - which, of course, puts me in the fun gray space between "soulbond" and "normal roleplay/writing experience".

And she's not a unique instance of this. This just happens to me with OCs, although it's been a bit more dramatic with her because of the presence of fictives from her world to converse with (and, realistically, because of the real-time roleplay aspect that a TTRPG has that a video game or the writing of a fanfiction doesn't).

It's as though my brain has the capacity for plurality, but it just... doesn't manifest fully.

And, truth be told, I kind of prefer it this way. I like being a singlet; I would kind of hate having to share headspace with other people. Especially since, if my childhood pseudo-plurality experiences are anything to go by, we would not have good separation of thoughts and memories and true privacy would be very difficult if not impossible. Plus, because of that, I would... probably never get over the doubt of Is It Real Or Not, and I don't need that stress in my life. (For this reason, while I'm 99.9% sure that if I intentionally tried to bring her over as a fictive, it would work, I will not be testing the theory just out of curiosity.)

I wonder if I didn't train myself out of the ability to be Plural Proper, to be honest. Not intentionally, but - I may have mentioned that my power of suspension of disbelief is very strong, and as a child this came with me being extremely easy to manipulate because it was very easy for me to fall into believing things that I wanted to believe. (Again, I don't really want to talk about the details, but suffice to say I had a pretty bad case of Protagonist Syndrome, as it were, for a while.) I had to learn to combat that natural tendency of my brain for my own protection (especially as someone active in witchcraft spaces) - and I wonder if it didn't come with the side effect of immunizing me to developing true plurality (at least without actively trying) by shutting down any attempt by my brain to form a true headmate in the process.

I don't know. I might never. All I know is that while I am, after careful consideration, definitely a singlet, I do seem to live right on the edge of plurality, and it comes with some weird experiences. (And I would like an explanation for why I keep spitting out nigh-prophetic knowledge of this campaign's world; if I find out Viridian is a fictotype of mine or something I'm going to flip my fucking lid.) I've started half-jokingly calling myself "singlet+", half as a joke on cis+ (ie, someone who's questioned their gender and come to the conclusion that they are indeed cis but has a better understanding of their experience of cisness for it) and half as an "unless" "unlesss...?" acknowledgement of the weird border area some of my experiences sit in. It's... not really a serious label, but also isn't entirely a joke.

So... yeah. Singlet+, I guess. Another victim of the "if you only have two words for fear in your language, one for mild test jitters and one for life-threatening terror, you're going to have a lot of trouble describing a lot of normal human experiences" problem of how our language around plurality often works.

[cyclogenesis]

im so curious what drew you to ryan reynolds was it an immediate upon watching thing or did it develop through time. honestly you've just about convinced me to also be weird about him

I love this question anon, yes please make me explain myself 🥲 I also have been looking at myself like "what are we doing over here guys" for the past few months so it's fair to ask. Doing the fic commentaries recently has reminded me that I really missed just writing down my thoughts Livejournal-style, so. In this essay I will, but it's actually going to be an essay (no, I'm serious) and I in fact will. 😭

I left DP&W thinking I was walking into a Hugh Jackman phase but instead we got home and rewatched Wolverine: Origins and then DP1 and Ryan's big brown eyes and murder twink smirk/sad boy journey enchanted me irreparably. And I absolutely had seen both of those movies before! And thought he was hot, you know, and liked him as an actor dating back to I think Blade: Trinity (which is a masterpiece if your qualification for a masterpiece is Ryan Reynolds shirtless and shackled to the floor. and that's my qualification for a masterpiece. can someone please gif the horny parts of that movie I Need them). I think probably the fact that he was a co-writer on DP&W is what tipped me over because writing talent is tremendously hot to me but also I don't know. You know? Sometimes the hyperfixations make sense and you're like of course, this is catnip to me, I am physiologically inclined to roll around in it, and other times you're like this? This? Are we sure? And the dopamine gremlins running around in circles in your skull are like "yeah! yeah! yeah!" and you gotta just be like okay. Alright, I guess we're gonna think about this and giggle a lot.

But I've had many an actor crush and few of those have resulted in deeply sincere RPF. So I went looking for Ryan/Hugh fic after watching a little bit of stuff with the two of them and being like oh there is a Dynamic here. And there wasn't much so I just kinda kept reading Wade/Logan but also like watching/rewatching Ryan's older stuff and looking at Ryan/Hugh things until like...

Just, okay. Here are a bunch of facts: The story is that Wesley Snipes and Ryan had disagreements on the set of Blade: Trinity because Ryan would ad-lib lines a lot and Wesley found that annoying. But Ryan's talked before about not actually being an ad-lib guy really - he just comes up with different things for his characters to say and like keeps these options back of mind while working, which is interesting. And the thing about the character of Hannibal King in that movie is that his like first line is about liking older men. And then for the rest of the movie he just gets beat up a lot (awesome!) while making these gay little comments like an aggro murder twunk. (Masterpiece.)

And then - then - he wrote the entirety of Wade's lines for Wolverine: Origins! Of which there are famously few, so they had to count. And I guess that's why one of those lines is about how if they get stuck in that elevator, all of his fellow team members are going to fucking gangbang him. Girl, are you good. 😭

Just wild to walk away from that and then spend the next several years working to get real Deadpool onscreen so he could continue to play and eventually write this bisexual-ass character, complete with all the horny Wolverine references even as he's locking Hugh down into a common law friendship marriage. I'm too lazy to grab the source but there's this one interview where Hugh talks about how he was filming in Atlanta one year (2018? maybe?) and had no plans for his birthday so Ryan flew down to Georgia from New York to take him out for a steak dinner. Like...like. I don't know. I'd do crazy shit if I were rich too, but. I mean. I don't know, I had to learn about this and now you have to deal with it too. GOD.

Listen, I don't really know how friendship works between men. I don't know what the hell boiling in the societal stew of toxic masculinity and compulsive heterosexuality does to a man's brain. I just think it's interesting to be really close friends with a guy for almost two decades, dreaming all the while about getting to work with him again, finally convincing him to do it, and then proceeding to co-write a script where your character flirts constantly with his, the two of you get to pounce aggressively onto each other over and over again in an extremely confined space in the most fighting as a stand-in for sex scene I've ever seen in my life, and then at the end your characters basically get a Happily Ever After.

And then you can't wait two fucking seconds before writing another project so you can work with him again, like!!! Am I making this up?? Am I tripping balls over here??? God!!!!

Have they tried kissing? Just to see what it's like??? Like at what point is it more awkward not to?

Jesus. Okay, I'm fine. Anyway, as I've said before, I walked out of DP&W asking myself and everyone else the question: Does Ryan Reynolds know it's legal to just be bisexual? And I still kind of think the answer is no. Somebody needs to tell him.

I also (and this is somehow more embarrassing than all of the preceding paragraphs, believe it or not) have a lot of sympathy for him - a guy who, I recognize, has a pretty great life! and does not need my sympathy! - because he's clearly really sensitive, in this way that has me like, oh honey no you don't have to respond to people picking on you, you're never going to convince them to be fair to you because they don't want to be fair to you. I have had bad times in my life where some people (strangers!) have just been fucking desperate to dislike me - to mischaracterize my actions, to deliberately misinterpret things I say, to belittle my work - and I am so familiar with how defensive that can make you feel, like if you just explain where you're coming from well enough you can make these people see that you're a human being just like they are, that you can make them understand. (And then quit picking on you. Because it sucks when people are mean.)

In a lot of understandable ways Ryan is so guarded but then also just this raw nerve! It almost seems like he's gotten more delicate as he's gotten older which is incredible. He makes his vulnerabilities so apparent in this brutally sincere way. I feel like usually when celebrities get shirty about something they sound like assholes but Ryan just sounds pleading. Like, the sort of desperate way that he talks about the movies he's been in that he knows are bad, because if you get out in front of it then it's like haha! You can't tell me I was in bad movies because I said it already! So it won't hurt my feelings now if you say they're bad!

I don't know, again it's just like I get it! It was a hard lesson for me to learn that some people are just never going to like you, and it's often going to be for completely unfair reasons that are based more on their own projecting than on anything you've actually done. It's frustrating as fuck. And if it is for things you've done, even something as morally benign as being in a bad movie, you have to let everyone know you're aware of it so they can't strike first. It's a lot to carry, that insecurity that no matter how successful you are, and how many people like you - maybe the assholes are right. So if you can convince them that they're wrong, and they're being unfair to you, maybe you can convince yourself too.

(Sidebar to explain myself because I have obviously been hurt before um lol: As a fic writer I approach characterization the same way whether it's media fic or RPF - I look at the canon, which in the case of RPF is interviews/social media/whatever art they make, and I extrapolate character based on what's in front of me. So whether the characters are fiction or not there's always going to be elements of projection/what I want to see as I filter things through the lens of my own experience. Please go ahead and bask in the irony of me, right here, trying to get out in front of any criticism I might get for projecting or being parasocial here or whatever. Sure I am. Guilty as charged. Love me or leave me. GOD lmao)

Also honestly watch or read any longer interview (the Actors on Actors with Andrew Garfield is fantastic, as is this one with Shawn Levy) and it's like immediately clear that he is REALLY smart and thoughtful - I just have to excerpt a bit from the latter sorry -

And going into the movie, we felt we had a lot to prove to Marvel and Disney. It’s the first big Fox property, after Disney bought the studio, to be R-rated. We had to write a movie that was a four- quadrant R-rated movie. That’s a hard thing to do. In order to do that, I’m not a big poetry person, but Keats talks about all the stitching and unstitching you do to make it feel like a moment’s thought. And that’s what is.

"Not a big poetry person" totally has a Keats reference off the dome like okay...but anyway. It's so enthralling to me how much of him is like right there on the surface for longer interviews like these. He's talked about having to put on a character to get through things like junkets, talk show appearances, stuff like that, and he's great at turning on the charm. But outside of that this guy is serious, and clearly feels the weight of various expectations like, all of the time, and puts a ton of consideration into his work and what he's creating.

He wants to make things people like and he wants people to like him and there's, to me, this really refreshing lack of ego in that, especially for someone in the position that he's in. And the people that he's worked with, from co-stars on down, have nothing but good things to say about him. (I read way too much celeb gossip on Reddit and I swear every time some rando hater wants to talk about how they think he's secretly a dick or whatever you'll see at least a couple of people pop up who've actually worked with him or know people who have and every time they're like No actually he's really nice. Great guy. And I knowww it's dangerous to ever believe a famous man is Pretty Good but, you know. Not idolizing, just hornily appreciating. In exhausting detail. I cannot stress this enough: You asked.)

So. Like. Okay. *falls over* Obviously he's been hot for decades (late 20s/early 30s being a highlight, but honestly the grey hair when he lets it happen now works for me baaaad), and his naturally lanky/never too over-the-top muscular body turns me into a slavering feral dog, but I also find him psychologically fascinating and I want to study him in a lab. I am deeply flattered that I've even almost convinced you to be weird about him too because I recognize that I'm reaching new heights(/depths??) of...whatever the hell I've got going on over here. Absolutely a part of this is me clinging to anything that occupies my brain in a positive way after the worst five months of my entire life. (Look at me! I'm like so don't be mean to me please 🥺. Sigh of determined self-acceptance.)

This will continue indefinitely. I'm having a ball in this bitch tbh, I love loving things, especially men with hipbones carved out of marble who look hot when they're sad. Please tell me if I've been in any way convincing. Thank you for asking and I'm not sorry this is so long. I had a good time.

[a-wins-a-win]

i am supremely indecisive and need direction, so I’m putting this one to a tumblr poll ;

summaries and such under the readmore - feel free to send asks for more info <3

just to be clear, no matter the poll results i will be working on-and-off on smaller fics + my essays* and such anyway - the option is just there if people would be more interested in having shorter/less involved works more often, rather than just a scattering of one-shots for however long it takes me to wrangle a Project to somewhere i'm happy with to share it. * the essays are happening and will be happening, independently of whatever ends up happening with my fic writing, as well. it will again just boil down to focus and available research/writing time.

anyway! onto the Project summaries ;

forgive and forget (it’s all coming back to me now)

Jason was pretty certain he'd just end up working for his father in the end, but Ivy had managed to convince him that it was worth at least trying to find his work experience somewhere else. He had basically expected the crappy intern jobs - coffee runs, sorting files, and generally trailing after competent employees like some kind of lost puppy. What he hadn't expected, however, was for Peter goddamn Simmonds to have landed a co-op position at the same company.

post-canon canon divergence

eventual mcsimmonds

ivy is a major character too, i promise she gets her own b-plots

background lucadia

messy confusing feelings + cheating subplots

something stupid (like i love you)

A few days. Somehow, letting Lucas crash on Matt's couch for a few days turned into buying Lucas new clothes, turned into cleaning him up and helping with the job search. Which then turned into Matt making Lucas dinner and letting Lucas make him dinner in return, until dinner was a combined effort and light-hearted arguments about organizational systems. And it wasn't until their closets blurred together and Lucas started helping to pick out new drinking glasses that either of them realised they'd be happy if a few days lasted forever.

post-canon lucatt

roommates to friends to lovers type beat

in many ways they've grown and changed, in many ways they haven't

of course there's a lot of tension in the in-between stage where they're trying to figure out how to incorporate into each other's lives again, but eventually they end up falling into a cute domestic routine

there's something there in lucas and matt forgiving each other for the roles they played in/the ways they contributed to the general disaster that was their senior year (but Jason's suicide in particular)

as close to heaven as i’ll get

There wasn't a doubt in anyone's mind that Jason McConnell would do well at Notre Dame - 5 generations of top-level vampire hunters had come before him (and his father was quite insistent that AFTER him would come 5 more). The only thing that stood in his way was an entrance exam requiring a record of field experience.

Peter Simmonds understood the importance of following the rules imposed by the coven, really he did. But even so - something about the bright spots the stained glass windows of the church reflected onto the wet ground drew him in.

mcsimmonds vampire AU

Twilight/Supernatural-esque rural vibes + Southern Gothic inspiration

i get to fuck around with vampire folklore and religious imagery! and who doesn't love that?

a big chunk of inspiration for it was the concept of Peter seeing so much like. peace and community and what have you in this idea of the church involvement that he so desperately wants to be a part of, played against Jason's so desperately wanting to get out of it. if you see the vision.

just because [i’m] pretty

Over the years Ivy Robinson had been called a lot of things. Cutie, Angel, Pretty Baby, Slut, Whore, Bitch. Mostly she tried not to hold onto them too tight, not to think too deeply about how they felt in her mouth as she studied herself in the mirror. But occasionally something would stick. She just hadn't expected that something to be 'boyish'.

gay trans man ivy <3

a lot of times he is trying to explore/come to terms with himself through his art

although his romantic + sexual attraction to boys is obviously a cornerstone of his identity there'd also be largely platonic [& antagonistic & familial] relationship focuses

touch tank

A dramatic part of Peter wanted to let himself be bitter and jaded about his parents divorce, like every other seventeen-year-old main character. But the more sensible part of him knew that was unfair, and unrealistic - especially when it had led him to some of the prettiest, most interesting boys he had ever met.

good catholics <3 [my matt/peter/jason triad]

merfolk au! wherein jason is merfolk at the other two are not

set in a cliche small costal town , lots of cute vibes + also costal weather, because i love the rain

silly little subplots involving the other characters occur around the main story as well

[differenteagletragedy]

so… idk how interested you are in stuff like bridgerton/pride and prejudice/etc, but i’ve been obsessing over the idea of like a Regency au ever since my friend was like “baxter is in the wrong genre. that man is suited for historical romances. he dreams of writing by candlelight and fainting onto couches.” so do you have any hcs on a regency/historical romance au? assuming you do aus? thanks :)

I haven't watched Bridgerton! It's been many years since I read/watched Pride and Prejudice so apologies if this is a little too Darcy, but I think there would be some similarities between him and Baxter!

-- Baxter is a fancy man now, so living in a time period when men dressed fancier in general, he's going to have to kick it up a few notches. I'm thinking flashier colors, maybe some floral patterns.

-- Those little dances they threw all the time? You know he's there all the time. He has tons of one night stands with people he meets there, but then he meets MC and they are Different.

-- Baxter on a horse Baxter on a horse

-- Does he need a cane? No. Does he have a fancy one anyway. Yup.

--You're not going to catch him in a hat. He knows he's pretty and he doesn't want to take attention away from his face.

-- Basically this version of Baxter is unbearable lol but he does have his charms! Maybe he's playing charades with MC and throws the game just to be a silly little guy and make MC laugh. Or maybe they're playing cards and he keeps pretending to make dumb mistakes, again for a laugh.

-- Everybody talks with that flowery language, so he's going to have to lean on something else to make him stand out, and I think it would be his goofiness. Like he's still charming, of course, but he's not going to be a weirdo in the way that the Baxter of today is.

-- He'd still go on a walk with MC and make up a bunch of nonsense about the things around them.

-- Why am I researching this like I'm writing an essay

-- He would very much want to court MC, but he wouldn't feel like he was worth it. So what I think would happen would be that he began the courting process with the knowledge that he'd eventually just stop.

-- Liz is their chaperone lol

-- Baxter and MC are going for a walk and Baxter is running his mouth and Liz is just like "good god this guy ..."

-- A historian spoke to PBS (this is getting so serious) and explained, “You would initially address one another as sir, my lord, or madam, depending on rank, and then progress to Mr. and Miss So-and-so, or Lord and Lady So-and-so. To use a person’s Christian name during courtship was a special mark of intimacy. And we can often see the moment in their letters when someone asked to be called by their first name, signaling that a relationship was becoming much more serious and, in fact, might later progress to pet names and things like my dearest love or my dearest life.”

-- So the first time MC actually says Baxter's name it's just going to absolutely wreck him, it's going to hit him right in the heart.

-- And when they end up together Baxter calls them "my dearest life" CAN YOU IMAGINE

-- Apparently if you ended a courtship then the proper thing to do was return the letters you'd sent each other, Baxter cannot do this emotionally

-- He'd be like "I burned them they can't have them" and keep them like under a floorboard so he could read them at night and cry.

-- MC's reputation is definitely going to take a hit. Baxter's was already bad but now it's worse, and now he feels guilty for messing with MC in the first place.

*a few years of mess*

-- Baxter has traveled, seen places and done things, but he finds himself back in his hometown. There's a ball. He'd decide to go for old times sake, and you were probably married by then so nbd

-- There you are though!

-- He wants to throw up, but he asks you to dance anyway because he can't help himself. MC agrees because dang that Baxter is smooth.

-- Ok ok, so back in those days if you danced with somebody twice then people thought that was a Big Deal and that you basically wanted to marry them.

Baxter: I would ask for another dance, but I don't deserve it.

MC: Why don't you try asking anyway.

Baxter: But if we have another dance, people are going to talk ...

MC: Let them talk ... Baxter.

Baxter: *swoons*

-- Yeah that's corny and silly, but we're just having fun here.

[thegeminisage]

STAR TREK UPDATE TIME. friday we FINALLY kicked off ds9 season 4 with "way of the warrior" pts i & ii and oh my godddd:

firstly, i miss sisko''s hair. the beard looks GREAT it's a HUGE improvement but i miss his hair!! i also kinda miss kira's really butch cut. jadzia's hair is still touch and go...important ds9 topics

drilling changeling combat with odo is SO fun. but like also, such a dramatic turn from like, s1, when he pretends to be objects and doesn't want anyone to remember he can do this, because he wants to be able to spy on them. it's fun and funny etc but i could also write an essay about it. he's allowing his body, once a subject of scientific study that traumatized him, to be used again by his allies as a…if not subject of study again, exactly, a teaching tool. he's teaching them how to find and contain and maybe even hurt his people but at the same time HE IS USING HIMSELF TO DO IT he is ALSO TEACHING THEM HOW TO HURT HIM. yes, they're comically bad at it NOW, but they're just getting started, and it also illustrates how horrifically underprepared they are for his people to come and fuck with them at any time. i can't keep thinking about odo i'm going to make myself insane

spn has traumatized me bc i was half convinced yates was a changeling for most of this episode, since she was in and out so often. but he just gets to have a girlfriend!!! i think it's kind of a shame he never seemed to get any romantic chemistry with the rest of the cast…picard and janeway and kirk all get love interest from the main cast…but i still love watching him flirt and make eyes at this lady

THOLIAN MENTION!!!! my beloveds…someday i wanna see what they look like

julian and obrien doing…whatever it was with the peas. they scripted shot and greenlit this. he is suffering so bad without his wife

I KNEW THEY WOULD START JUST FUCKING CUTTING EACH OTHER EVENTUALLY. right across the palm, too. like speaking of being traumatiozed by spn. jesus.

what in the sweet lesbian fuck was going on with dax and kira in the holosuite…kira basically said no matyter how sexy this is it isn't any good if it isn't real and dax DIDN'T immediately fuck her? star trek's cowardice when it comes to gay people ESPECIALLY dax she's literally kissed women off screen. come on

ODO DRINKING HIMSELF!!! HELLO?

garak getting racially profiled and jumped in his little shop :(

and then we get to WORF……………tbh i was so worried about him changing the atmosphere and i really liked how the atmosphere was already. but the s4 atmosphere is already different in a great way. it was a serious episode w a serious plot yet i was giggling nonstop. and klingon stuff is SO dry on tng and so lively on ds9. idk why i was worried. i am very sad they prince zuko'd him again though

also, the wof/obrien tng reunion…….besties :')

ALSO lol when he ordered prune juice and quark laughed at him and worf gave him the look. this is the most i have liked quark in like an entire season i'm so afraid something bad will happen and ruin it

the dax/worf comes on a little strong ESPECIALLY when i am still sooo :( over no riker e worf e deanna content but they ARE fun to watch. dax seems like a natural choice too since curzon was buddies with so many klingons, i just wish she was SLIGHTLY less forward...this is his first episode...give it time to breathe. maybe odo/kira and bashir/garak has just got me stuck on slow burns for ds9

i do like worf's position here too…he's always stuck in the middle of klingon and starfleet bullshit. it sucks that he got racially profiled YET AGAIN but at least sisko was like "and you absolutely do NOT have to do this" instead of putting on the pressure like picard talking to a bajoran. also, him starting a bar fight on purpose was great

worf and odo conversation………..theyre gonna be so grumpy w each other and i cannot wait

i missed gowran. his eyes are so huge. i didn't always really care when he showed up in tng but somehow he and his enormous eyes have become really special to me. same genre of character as dukat i think

at first i thought sisko was dadding worf a little and maybe he was a TINY bit but i also think it's nice that he's just seeing himself in worf and trying to help him out. i liked all of their conversations a lot because sometimes people are weird about worf being klingon and sisko was actually totally normal and respectful about it. he would never be like worf kill yourself. never.

sisko was SO good in this ep i love when he bends the rules also. getting measured for a new suit and letting garak overhear shit on purpose is very clever but at the same time he's not even trying to be subtle. he knows the right thing to do isn't always following the rule book and he's not even pretending he can do both. unlike PICARD. i think he went bald to flex on picard actually like he does do it better love and light to sir patrick stewart

bashir advising his little guys in the infirmary…please he's so in charge. i also loved him and odo very earnestly wishing each other safety int eh upcoming attack. THEY'RE FRIENDS!!!!!

dukat and sisko were gay this whole episode. i think very seriously there should be a sisko/dukat movement just like there's a bashir/garak movement. i didn't think much of dukat first but i like him more every time i see him. he's just really funny and also gay

quark and garak talking about the cloying qualities of humanity over root beer ??? that was also gay. again, quark in this episode…a breath of fresh air. for once he's just being the fun kind of horrible. also when he wanted to defend his bar and rom stole his weapon lol "i will kill him" "with what?" i love odo sm

i love that kira pointed out the irony of her saving and GETTING STABBED for the cardassian government. times have CHANGED WORF LOOKS GREAT IN RED! he's not head of security anymore but i like that he gets a thinker's job…"worf is a big ugly dumb brute" jokes were OLD AND TIRED on tng!!!

anyway, s4 seems amazing so far. it's almost everything i already liked about ds9 but much more serious and funny at the same time. i will miss the post-war atmosphere since we're not mid-war again but i am really excited to see where it goes

TONIGHT: voy's "non sequitur" and "twisted."

[pacificwaternymph]

Hi so. Double life absolutely wrecked me. I am never going to be over DL!Pearl, that has now been accepted as a fact of life. So... would you mind fixing the canon for me?

Prompts 17, 24, and maybe 28? You don't have to do all of them, but they all fit the plot I'm imagining in my head rn, so I listed all three.

Thank you!!! Poor Pearl needs some more love :'( I love Scott, but Pearl deserved so much better than what he gave her. I will cite multiple tumblr posts and write a whole essay if you need me to to prove this. I don't have many things I'm this passionate about, but I will die on this hill.

17. "You don't have to be alone anymore."

24. "Unless you ask me not to in the next five seconds, I'm going to hug you."

28. "...I don't hate you." "...you don't?"

This one's a bit shorter bc I'm tired today. But I hope it will suffice <3

-

"I don't hate you, you know." Pearl blinked, and looked up at Scott. Her soulmate, who never wanted her. Who she had abandoned the first day and who in turn refused to have anything to do with her.

It was just the two of them, now. Somehow, against all odds, they were down to the last two. There was no one else to focus their anger on, no one else left in their way between them and victory. And so, there was no more avoiding what they'd been dancing around for so long.

"...You don't?"

Scott shook his head. "I'm angry, with you. And I don't know if I really like you, right now. But I don't hate you. I never did, really. It was just... easier to pretend that I did."

Pearl felt a lump in her throat. She looked back down at the lake before them so that she didn't have to face her soulmate's expression, completely unreadable. It didn't work, and she still caught Scott's eyes in the reflection of the water.

"Oh."

Silence fell over the two of them once more, nothing but the sounds of the surrounding forest to fill the space. Pearl wanted to say something, but the words stuck in her throat. How did she do it? How did she even begin to describe the complicated snarl of emotions in her chest that even a mere mention of Scott pulled back up to the surface?

She'd spent this whole time justifying everything she did with the fact that Scott didn't want her, that he couldn't stand her. He had Cleo, his chosen soulmate, he didn't need anyone else and certainly not her, reckless and constantly endangering both of them as she was.

Yet here he was. And his words didn't line up with her thoughts at all.

"One of us needs to die for this to end," Scott eventually said, pushing through the quiet in another attempt to reach her. "After that, it will all be over. We'll go back to whatever world we came from and we can forget this ever happened."

Pearl nodded. She knew this. Everyone in the games had known this, and she was sure that many of them were eager to leave this place behind.

Still, she had to wonder how the more functional pairs would handle having to leave their soulmates along with everything else.

"But... let's not do that." Pearl blinked, looking over at Scott with widened eyes. Had she heard him right?

"What do you mean?" She asked. Scott smiled wearily, highlighting the bags under his eyes.

"Wherever we end up, let's find one another. We can start over. We'll do better, be better." Scott's tone turned wistful. "You won't have to be alone anymore."

Pearl's breath caught in her throat. That was all she had ever wanted, wasn't it? To not be alone anymore. To have someone she could lean on, someone she could depend on not to abandon her at the first sign of trouble.

She was sure that she must have had something like that, in one of her past lives, to want it so badly. But she could not for the life of her remember when.

She sniffed, and Scott's smile dropped, turning to sympathy. Fat tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks, dripping down into the lake. Her shoulders began to shake, despite her best efforts to keep them still.

Scott laughed sadly, looking not too far from tears himself.

"Unless you ask me not to in the next five seconds, I'm going to hug you," he breathed. Pearl stared at him for a few seconds, then nodded slowly.

Then there were arms around her, pulling her in close, and a hand on top of her head, gently stroking her hair.

Pearl returned the embrace, fingers curling into the back of Scott's jacket and holding on so hard she was almost worried about hurting him. But he said nothing, so she didn't loosen her grip, burying her face into his shoulder.

Eventually, Scott began to pull away. For a moment, Pearl thought about not letting go. But if Scott truly meant what he was saying, and he really did want to find her in the next life and fix things between them, then she couldn't allow herself to mess this up. She released him, already feeling colder without the context.

"Alright," Scott shook his head, and pulled himself to his feet. "Let's do this."

He offered her a hand, and Pearl hesitated for only a few moments before she took it.

[lyra-lecham]

Your Interest Is Changing, and It Is Okay

First of all, this is just one of my journal pages about how I cope with my interest changing from time to time, without feeling like I ‘betray’ it for another interest. Out there, I believe, lots of people are also facing the same problem, so I hope this writing can help in some way!

I have always been a huge fan of music, particularly rock and metal. Every day is filled with new tracks, new albums, new artists, and I will listen to them from dusk 'til down; all from The Beatles to Motley Crue to Metallica and Mayhem. I own a few band tees and believed it would be my personality for my whole life, or so I thought. When I listened to older metalheads talking about their favourite bands and how they had been lifelong fans, I thought ‘Yes, this is me, and this will be me.’ I even dreamt about being a rockstar, singing on the stage with that glamorous presence. But now? not so much. And that's okay :)

As I entered college, I realized I no longer had as much spare time as I used to. I am unable to multitask and listen to music, as I need to focus 100% on my work to prevent any mistakes, as any will be fatal to my grade. Slowly but surely, that fiery passion fades away into a dim spark. It scared me, ‘I have never spent a day in my life without devoting my life to any special interest!’.

I tried to fill the void by getting myself hooked into smaller fandoms such as Hannibal (I know it is not that small, but it is a very specific one!), Back To The Future, Deadpool and Wolverine, and many, many more! However, each time I move from one fandom to another, I can't shake the guilt of leaving the previous one behind. It haunts me.

Currently, though, I finally found my interest in Formula 1 (something I swore would never get into back in the day, but people change). One day, I probably won't spend 24/7 on F1 as I do now and that's okay :)

What I've come to realize about getting into a particular interest is you always learn something from them. My passion for music expands my music knowledge. I find myself appreciating the 60s, 70s, 80s, and many other decades' culture, fashion, music, and more! With my passion for literature, I find myself getting intrigued by the magic of writing and picking up some writing skill for myself (it definitely helps my vocabulary when writing essays hahah). Now with my interest in Formula 1, I got so much driving knowledge that I never thought I would have.

What I'm trying to say is you achieve and learn something from every phase of your life. It can be anything, new knowledge, a new language, a new skill, everything! It doesn't have to be something practical, something special, but it is something! It can be as small as a random piece of knowledge from manga that unexpectedly helps you pass an exam. That 'thing' you got from your interest could lead you to find new friends, more topics of conversation, and many new opportunities you never saw coming. It helps you grow as a person.

In conclusion, changes eventually are inevitable. But here is the beautiful part: your once very special interest never truly leaves you, even when you think you have outgrown and betrayed them. In reality, it stays with you, and I think that is something worth embracing.