#in other news i did actual work today
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one thing about ik is that she will always reach out
#obey me#art#i had the idea for this and managed to bulldoze through drawing it all without losing motivation halfway through#but Do Not expect me to post art this frequently in future#idk how to do panels so if the middle bit with the text might be laid out weird#i added the stars and feathers and stuff because there was a bunch of empty space around the boxes#obey me satan#jtta ik#(btw the crumbling symbol next to the exploding feather is the wrath symbol from in-game)#(with the pride symbol attached upside down at the bottom)#(not so much symbolism as it is just me whacking you over the head with the point but it looks cool)#i had a lot of fun doing satan's more monstrous design so i might try my hand at some of the other demons later?#i do have some ideas for levi (deep sea creatures are just really fun)#also happy nightbringer release day!! it showed up on my homescreen like half an hour ago and i was like “wait what”#for some reason i thought it wasn't releasing til next week??#the new genshin patch is today as well so looks like i'll have plenty to do with the rest of my free time for the easter hols#(i promise i'm also working on the next chapter of jtta but i am so stuck on how to get lucifer actually Talking)#anyway. here's a gold star for making it through all my rambling in the tags for anyone who did so: ⭐
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Transcript:
I'd like to congratulate you on getting your CPR certification.
Now remember, when you’re going in for compressions, it should sound like somebody is standing behind you with the worlds largest Dorito and cracking it open!
Go in firm and hard and snap as many ribs as you can on the way down, that means you’re doing it right.
You save that life. Good luck.
Or... Or... Or kill them, I don’t fucking care.
Audio source
#ultrakill#gabriel ultrakill#congratulations this is misinformation and by listening to it you have actually gotten a bit dumber <3#you're welcome!#anyway. this is the first post using a new method for the filter. my second time completely redoing it lol#can anyone but me tell the difference? probably not! did i spend hours trying to figure it out? yes!#basically what i did was download an unedited audio from his patreon and compared it to the edited version (the srimp special if u care LOL#and did edits- then compared it to the edited version. over. and over. and over........ and over.......................#ANYWAY.#turns out i have been delaying too little#before i had done between .025 to .075 depending on the audio#its more around .1#i also downloaded reaper to add the bitcrush#so its about as close as i can get it without having the exact number that the filter is supposed to be delayed by#i could not for the life of me figure out why mine has less 'echo' but its close enough..#plus the audio from the streams is not the best quality and already has a slight filter on it anyway so like- theres only so much i can do#cough. so anyway i brought my laptop to work today and spent a long time figuring that out#paid to shitpost on company time~#also i have no idea if this is too loud or too quiet cause the audio levels on my laptop are weird#like anything over 10% volume is super loud#i was at 6% while editing but idk how that is going to translate over to other people uhhhhh idk let me know if its ok
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Paul George on Stephen A. Smith’s Kawhi Leonard jab: “I didn’t like that moment… Kawhi wants to play… We exhausted a lot out of Kawhi this season. So at some point your body breaks you down… I didn’t appreciate that moment. I know I laughed because the situation was lighthearted, but deep down it was like you gotta let that go, Stephen A.”
Paul George, knight in shining armor
#HE DOES . u know. defend his girlbosses#as a good malewife husband soes#but like... he'll defend them.. five days after the fact#like hes just zoned out during the actual time of necessary defense#thinking about what new gaming chair to buy for himself whilst squinting harshly#i think tauruses and caps get shoehorned into being hashtag Daddies hashtag when it comes to personalities#like yes theyre grounded but that also means they like to duck into their little safety hovels sometimes#if a taurus is in an uncomfortable place/position.. they will often just smile& think abt how much they miss their regular place of comfort#until the moment passes#'oh but theyre so stubborn and loyal! theyll stand up for anyone! all the time!' stubbornness can ironically flucuate#theyre still showing stubbornness! just to the fact that they wanna go home. and they need this moment to pass#and if they bring something up rn.. it will not pass rn#this kind of thinking does not always bode well with fire signs#as much as i love to bully paul .. seeing others do it just isnt the same.. it does not come from a place of love in the end !!#'hes always been a coward-- too afraid to step up and be the bad guy. do the dirty work' no girl hes just a bit stupid#hes literally excitedly told reporters that hes soooo hyped up to try and be the rebound passer guy today#and then one game later hes like 'yea i kinda did too much.. that was.. not good 😔'#like he is doing the best in his mind! his doing bad is not out of bad intent! it's good intent and he is just failing miserably at it#LEAVE MY CRINGEFAIL MALEWIFE ALONE ‼️‼️‼️#MY CANCELLED GIRLFAILURE !!#he just wants to be a trophy husband to a terrifying strange and unusual mystery of a man like isnt that why we wrote dracula#is this not why creepypasta self insert y/n imagines exist on wattpad ?#paul george is just a y/n living in a spiteful world#LMFAOOO#hes so stupid i want to kill him but no one else can kill him but me ok#pg13 years old
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FIRST EVER ARTIST ALLEY TABLE DONE!!!
#everyone who came to the table was so lovely and so many of our friends came to support as well ;o;#day 1 was so busy and i was so stressed and had completely lost all social energy by lunch RIP#but i felt much better today actually AHA prob bc it was just less packed in general and also i had worked out a better system#for organising my stuff#overall it was rly cool to try a new experience tho ive literally wanted to table since high school ;o;#hopefully next time i will be less stressed and can actually talk to other artists lmao#we did get to meet some super amazing artists at the end tho but that was like. 2 out of the whole con#one of them gave me a print for free even tho he bought one of mine n i kept trying to offer to pay but he refused RAHH#also shoutout to the person who bought an adlers bookmark and said they were an atsumu hater but cosplayed atsumu yesterday. help
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not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it
#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag#but i was 14 and stupid 🤷♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio#fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me#kms#but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life#but yk what#let's keep challenging god#i know he hates me#but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie#AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls#anyway back to my old band manager#she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais#and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know#i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls#i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me#i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags#DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES#IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL#I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY#sorry#oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment#other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL#but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh#appears and disappears#that is actually my brand
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#manectric#i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk#but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric#el woowoo‚ if you will#a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day#so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday#hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years#looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow#which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations#for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA#plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory#overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me#so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little#worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY#this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains#that's about it#any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar#places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it#also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking#about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours
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the challenge of i should commission art of my ocs. would love to commission like, siiyr or bokrae, maybe krachyn or jula. siiyr or bokrae would make the most sense, maybe krachyn. i think theyre the ones with the most detailed notes on their anatomy
but also
oh god i cannot subject another artist to the anatomical war crimes i committed in making these ocs
#toy txt post#ig id be best off commissioning someone w a lot experience w like. centaurs. let alone commisioning them actually doing anything#interesting. the good bad news is ai cant do it either. fucking i cant even do it. why did i make these bitches. i gave bokrae a gf#but shes not. she cant even. her lips dont really do a kiss shape shes all teeth#siiyr has too many fucking elbows and a weird skull situation#bokraes skull continues to break my brain. i think it does break physics in universe. birdie did weird shit w that eye#its constantly trying to explode#the art ideas i have for bokrae and siiyr have plagued me for years even now in my depression funk of no new ideas#i cant bring myself to subject other artists to them?????#i should specify Bokrae's teeth more tho probably. i used to jokingly explain it away as she has all the teeth/they change#and. they do. canonically birdie has to replace all of her bones over time especially her skull. but also#that was me being lazyyyyyyyyyyyy#idk i know you dont necessarily need like a super detailed ref sheet to commission things but like. if i was commissioning my own ocs id#want that probably?#maybe i will try to draw the girls today. probably not doing anything interesting#bc i have not drawn for One Billion Years and im out of practice with Normal Human Anatomy let alone#these fucking Monsters#also maybe one day ill figure out Jared#pigeon head on a deaths head moth body with gemstone eyes is something i can see in my head but when i try to draw it it doesnt look right#so. need to work on that? the main thing about jared is that he needs to Scuttle#and id like to incorporate a pigeon#hm#hmmmmmmm
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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Lost my original post of this from the other day but I genuinely don't understand how Black Butler discourse ever shifted into the does Sebastian ~really~ like Ciel or is Ciel just dinner line of conversation that is pervasive as it is because Sebastian is the one that has absorbed his whole existence into Ciel's. Sebastian's face is what Ciel wants Sebastian's whole purpose is doing things for Ciel Sebastian's every hell of a butler yes my lord speech is about how he's Ciel's and Ciel is the one going around saying shit like whatever Sebastian is just my pawn 💅
#like sjdjdkdd??????#it's not that i don't think ciel loves sebastian per se bc. well. i don't think he'd ever process it in terms like that no matter what...#...kind of relationship they have bc the most important thing to him is getting him to do tasks like a dog and proving he will over and over#which is why sebastian does it all so overkill#but the most acknowledgement you ever get that ciel likes sebastian is stuff like idk the fucking book of atlantic you did good today#or if we're feeling really crazy the you were the only demon there line#like the dynamic has gotten way skewed in fandom away from the actual text#and i know why but it's still annoying bc i am not even saying this in a shippy way bc i don't give a fuck about ships#but they're so crazy entwined and in completely incomparable inhuman situations that it literally has no merit on this story to sit and...#...definitely piece together how this relationship works with real life normie standards like it literally is going to fit into no box of...#...what we think of as friends or siblings or parents or partners bc no victorian guy on the face of the earth has a real pet demon.#it's so boring you're missing the bigger picture that they're everything to each other and completely stuck together forever#does x mean y mean z? (least problematic answer only) they're stuck together! forever!#and no one has demons in real life it's all comparable to real life nothing#other than the asthma that's real#anyway. it's like fandom has made up a version of this story in their heads that is so devoid of anything that makes the story the story#twitter is like another planet for this i am mostly talking about twitter where i have been looking for news about the anime and oh boy#i have said this before but sebastian doesn't have a grip on human relationships bc he's not one and ciel doesn't give a fuck#but like this post started with and strayed from. well. sebastian isn't even trying to act like he's indifferent. ciel actually is.#and we're all missing several funny bits from that just trying to fit everything into a box#we could have more interesting conversations if we got past the same three people have been having for 20 years#kuroshitsuji#my kuro posts
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This blog had such an intricate tag system at one point. It was so coherent. And now………
#coherent to like. me and me alone. some of the tags made sense to others but it was a very for my brain thing#deeply considering trying to recatalog this blog but also. I would have so much shit to shift through.#like it would help absolutely but also. goddamn. it would be nightmarish#also I’d have to get so many new emoji tags and those are impossible to search for (on mobile at least where I am most of the time) so I mi#might have to go back and come up with. actual words for some of those tags who knows.#it’s definitely a laptop activity tho. depending on when I wake up tomorrow I might start that before work. if I had thought of it earlier#could have done it today bc I did. literally nothing today but. say la vee#prsnl
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This is a start, anyway. Lots of research and work ahead.
#still unsure what i can do when adhd brain doesnt let me do my hobbies in the little free time i have#but in the other hand if i can be sure that if i got a health insurance plan thru the ACA on the state market#that it would still cover me even if the ACA gets slashed - including thru the following enrollment period (that they wont be able to drop#me due to 'preexisting condition'. then i can leave my job and have a lot more time to be active and involved with this stuff.)#like I'm gonna do what i can anywY and I'm not gonna assume i cant do anything bc i have a strong motivation w this so adhd brain might be#chill w letting me do something#it feels like theres no time left tho but I'm trying to ignore that#but i just got my work schedule for Thanksgiving week and between the wk before and wk of I'm working 7 days straight. bc I'm dumb and#volunteered to be the one to work on Thanksgiving Day (why. bc i didnt want to make the 60+ yr old do 7+ days in a row or the 20-yr old.)#(shouldve asked if the kid was willing tho tbh. I'm gonna be burned tf out so badly.)#and i shouldve asked for the rest of the week off tbh but only got the 29th and 30th off. boo.#anyway abd then its december and we're gonna be busy busy with stupid Xmas stuff plants decor etc...#I'm just. worried I'll blink and itll be january.#but lets try lets do..something somehow#id like to find a way to squeeze the eye dr. vaccines. and dental extractions and healing time in before January#as well as getting involved in this stuff#and trying to overcome my intense social anxiety to do so#and looking into health insurance stuff#and RESTING too. need to do that. somehow.#but my whole November is booked now bc of work.#id love a 4 day workweek instead of 5 at least tbh but cant be floral specialist if I'm not full time amd cant stay on the insurance thru#work if I'm not fulltime either#and somehwere in the midst is...thanksgiving hah. and hanukkah which is Very important especially noe#now*#one story of hanukkah is of a small group fighting back against oppressors and succeeding#so.#idk where I'm going with this. but this day off is half over and.. i did this list thing yesterday actually but added to it today.#today ive also...devoured all current pages of a miraculous ladybug fancomic. put up one load of laundry. and opened the door#dor some fresh air and commection grounding etc..#i should call the eye dr guy so i can get a basic eye exam sooner than later and get new lenses ordered bc my glasses are at least 2 yrs ood
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Chronic fatigue syndrome is both aptly named but also inaccurate bc they don't talk about the flip side of it where you're so exhausted you can't sleep at all
#the pain isn't helping this but literally I'm always tired but I only got 5 hours of sleep last night and I've been up for 17 hours now#and I feel fine#like I actually have some clarity and energy#it's probably bc I tried a new electrolyte liquid water enhancer thing called buoy#and it's actually really fucking good y'all I'm pleasantly surprised#bc I am NOT a fan of sports drinks at all for both the salty taste and the strong artificial flavors#this shit is quite virtually tasteless and it can go in ANY beverage#and there's a few different kinds#but yesterday I tried the extra strength hydration drops and they were a godsend#today I tried the 'energy' version and I'm not gonna come right out and say it works but#given the fact that my brain fog was less so today despite the high pain levels#tells me it at least did SOMETHING#and yes I know I'll try it again and see what happens#anyways there's a couple other kinds as well (we got the sampler box) and I'm excited to try them too#like I've literally never been this optimistic about my hydration habits literally ever#and it's so fucking easy bc like I said there's no strong tastes which is such a fucking dealbreaker#it's why the ONLY electrolyte drink I will consume otherwise is strawberry lemonade pedialyte#I've tried quite literally every option on the market that I'm not allergic to#this is the real shit y'all
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staying up as late as possible tipsy playing bg3 because thats just the sort of week I've had i cannot even lie rn
#i have work at 10am tmrw and start school on Monday#and this week so far have gotten into a bad crash and totalled a car my family has had for 10 years (didn't severely get injured#but its fucked me up a bit mentally) then had work every single day (i work part time and generally do not have a shift more than two days#in a row at the most) and then today i did not have work but did get broken up with (not for any fault of either of us and we still very#much are in love with each other and want to be together which almost makes it hurt worse bc it's entirely due to circumstance)#(oh btw the crash was actually on the way to help with her moving in to college last weekend)#i have had No Fucking Break the entire week. and have work tomorrow. and then im jumping right into a new school year.#gonna be so honest? not very fun way to end off the summer and it's definitely not reassuring that im already burned out#before school even starts#just me rambling again#vent post#i know i will make it through and that things will be good again it's just been such a shit week :((#doesn't help that I haven't really interacted much with people or gone outside either#too busy for that
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ohhhh my god. okay. so. my aunt does like, she buys random junk in bulk from retail wholesalers and then resells it on like, facebook marketplace and ebay and stuff. whatever. so my mom works for her. makes a flat $50 a day, regardless of the fact that shes disabled and doing hard labor for at least 8 hours a day, often 10+. and min wage here is $10 an hour but mom argued that $50 a day is still more than what she would make working the same hours at an actual job because of taxes...like girl that would be 50% taxes. you do not pay that fucking much. so thats already Bad.
but today mom shows me a video of a knife theyre gonna sell, and i watch 2 seconds and i realize its an automatic knife, and i tell her hey. thats illegal to possess in this state. let alone sell! and mom is like ohhh [aunt] knows what shes doing itll be fine.... we sell knives on there all the time she just doesnt put pictures and calls them something else on the listing to get around fb/ebays policies :)
LIKE. HELLO. THATS NOT BETTER. YOURE COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES. *AS YOUR JOB.* and she was just like "its not a big deal she knows what shes doing." folks, this is the same aunt that, very illegally, paid me to sort through her clients confidential tax documents and bank records and stuff. because she works for a bank. and took the records home to sort them. i dont think she DOES know what shes doing, actually!
#why do both of my parents need to be so impressively incompetent. i like. cannot find the words for how . i feel about this#like. idc about crimes. go forth. be free. but maybe. just maybe. you should not make your job#“hi today i will post about how i am selling illegally possessed objects on a widely used public forum”#dont do crimes STUPID. yanno.#in other parent news. its now like. month 6 or so of dad refusing to get his insurance reinstated.#hes been on the same step (taking his paystubs to the dhhr office) for like 3 months?#anyway apparently he found out today/last night that when he was a kid he was diagnosed with gastroparesis !#which is like ! cool! you have a diagnosis AND ive been living with that for 16 years and can help you 🥰#but we were sitting there with mom (this was right before the knife thing) and she was like “well you gotta get your insurance now so you#can get on the right meds“ and dad was like yeah ill go....#and mom was saying well go in the morning when they open etc etc and he was like i will#and i pointed out that just two weeks ago i told him that too. and he didnt want to. bc hed lose money due to not being able to work#and mom was like well he doesnt work at 8am. and i was like yeah i know but i told him to go at 8am two weeks ago and that was his response#and then he proceeded to claim that this whole time he didnt know they opened at 8am.#folks. he doesnt start working until like...usually 10 or so. WHAT GOVERNMENT OFFICE DOESNT OPEN UNTIL 10.#PLUS. WE LIVE IN A RURAL HOUR. *BUSY* TAKES LIKE AN HOUR. MOST OF THE TIME YOURE IN AND OUT WITHIN 20 MINITES.#ive been fucking considering PAYING HIM to go get it.#and then he claims he didnt know it opened at 8am. when i have told him that. MULTIPLE TIMES.#WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE LIKE THISSSS THEYRE THE MOST IMMATURE ADULTS IVE EVER MET AND THATS IMPRESSIVE!!!#IVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO PAY THEIR RENT IN COKE OR WHO ARE ESSENTIALLY PROFESSIONAL PARTIERS. AND *THEYRE* MORE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE THAN MY#PARENTS. SO WHAT GIVES.#also theyre 50 like cmon yall. youre not even 20 or 30. i think you should know how to not like. get your job shut down or die of lack#of medication.#did i tell yall one of the times a few months ago i was nagging dad abt getting his insurance#his response was literally. no exxageration.#he was like oughhh i dont wanna see doctors because then theyll find out somethings wrong with me#and ill have to go on a bunch of medication.#and then he actually for real. said.#“being on too many medications killed my grandma”#even mom was like cmon man. thats not even true. they misdiagnosed her and put her on WRONG meds. she wasnt even on that many.
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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i do not have professional shoes .
#UH OH turns out i actually have to interview for the new job. and its tomorrow!#i do have like. dress shoes like small heels. is that too much?#are vans too casual?#I DON'T KNOWWWW.#my go-to in years past has been black ankle boots which like sure i guess. but theyre a pain to walk in#oh well i did wear them when i stood for the entire duration of a concert last year so#i guess the ankle boots straddle the line between fancy and casual. kinda#now i just have to figure out what else to wear.#i can go with my everyday work pants even though they got some coffee spilled on them today 🙃#but it doesn't show so we're fine. theoretically#shirt? fuck if i know. oh wait maybe the black bow blouse. i guess#my other blouses are too swag for a job interview#blazer??? or no blazer??#these are the questions plaguing us today. see if i have a black blouse and black blazer n pants thats too much black#but i don't have a non-black blouse/shirt thats like. professional enough#maybe no blazer. i guess#oh piss i dont have a printed copy of my updated resume. i guess ill be fine#anyway. job fun
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