#medium for sharing really but. I suppose I thought they might look cooler lined up next to each other. The whole part of using a

[icewindandboringhorror]

Pages from trying to keep a little sketchbook-scrapbook type thing going for two weeks lol. I gave myself specific rules in hopes they might all end up more cohesive/consistent seeming, but alas, scribbly chaos reigns, it seems

[itsamejin]

this love || yoongi angst

Summary: A story through the years detailing your relationship with Yoongi and all the ups and downs that came with dating an idol. 

Warning: cursing, sexually suggestive content

Genre: angst, fluff, idol!yoongi, artist!yn

Pairing: Yoongi x female!reader

Premise: Based on the song ‘This Love’ by Taylor Swift. Reader is an artist.

Commission Request: @minyoongail​

Word Count:��7,681 words

—

You met Yoongi when he was just a trainee, ready to take on the world and bursting with energy to get on stage. He had visions of grandeur- him living in a beautiful mansion, wearing name-brand jewelry, cruising in rare sports vehicles. When times were simpler, he’d promise that you’d be there with him, indulging in the glitz and glamour that came with his fame. He’d be an idol and you’d be his muse. Yet under all those pretenses, under all those empty promises, he was just Yoongi.

He was a guy who walked in and out of your life as easily as ocean tides come and go on the shore. He taught you how to fall in love, fall out of it, and rekindle it all the same. It was a sort of beautiful asphyxiation, being wrapped up in his lifestyle and learning to accept the consequences that came with dating a celebrity.

You wonder even now as you search his name on the internet, if you had any regrets. After all, you lost too much to be with him.

—

April 2013

A first meeting meant everything to you, especially when it came to your clients. You didn’t accept jobs from weirdos who didn’t respect your craft and you definitely hated impatient ones who badgered you to finish your pieces as quick as possible.

Big Hit was a happy medium and had hired you as a contract employee after reviewing your portfolio. Although the style of work they wanted from you was not at all what you specialized in, you were happy that they treated you like an actual employee and not some sort of machine. Plus, the pay was good.

You were asked to work on some cute animal characters for an upcoming boy group that you weren’t terribly familiar with, maybe stumbled on a vlog of theirs that you forgot about. You were intrigued by the slew of trainees that sat in front of you, their palms clenched out of anxiousness.

“I’m [Y/N], one of the digital artists that will be working with you guys from now on,” you introduce yourself politely to the seven bright-eyed boys in front of you.

You were in a room with other staff members, discussing the concept of the “Hip Hop Monsters” your graphics team was working on. This was a planned project lasting over a span of years and would eventually result in collectors edition items. It made you giddy just thinking of the royalties you’d earn from it all.

“I’d like it if the animals took after us,” one of the boys suggested shyly, slightly intimidated by the large number of corporate employees there were in the room for something that seemed so trivial. “I think our fans would like the characters more if they kind of resembled our personalities and stuff...”

You nod along to his suggestions, staring at his jersey to notice that the member who spoke up was Rap Monster. It was cute how they all wore clothes with their names on them. That’s one way to attract attention, you suppose.

“Any other suggestions you guys have for us?” you ask, jotting down notes and making rough sketches as they talk amongst themselves.

“I’d like it if,” a somewhat husky voice starts and you can’t help but stare into the guy’s eyes as he speaks, “my character was a turtle.”

You burst out into a fit of laughter along with the other staff members. He had said it with such a straight face and with so little enthusiasm, yet you could tell from his slight blush that he was serious. He was cute in the way that he wasn’t trying to be.

“You resemble one,” you grin at him, drawing out a small turtle with a cute beanie on your iPad, like the one he wore in front of you. You show it to him. “Something like this?”

“Exactly that!”

He breaks out into a gummy smile, one so bright that it hurt your heart to stare at him for too long. Now you were the one left flustered. He realizes how enthusiastic he was and got embarrassed once again, scratching the back of his head to avoid eye-contact.

“S-sorry, for shouting. It looks good.”

You bite your lip from forming too big of a grin. You still had to remain professional after all.

“You’re welcome,” you smirk slightly as he goes back to trying to look cool. You can’t help but doodle his name on your iPad even as the other members shared ideas for their own animals.

Suga, Suga, Suga.

You smile to yourself. It does have a ring to it.

—

June 2013

Yoongi sees you in the hallways sometimes and wants to say hi, but he can’t because other people are watching. Though, that isn’t the only reason.

He tells himself every day that he’ll muster up the courage to go talk to you, but every time he sees your face his legs turn to jelly. Yoongi was busy with debut stages recently, but he found some free time in his schedule to approach you.

Yoongi was never the shy type, more reserved if anything else, but you had something that enamored him- intrigued him. He wanted to know who you were other than the cute girl he was stuck in meetings with from time to time.

As you sat there on your desk, Yoongi lingered in an area nearby. He would give you his number today and if things didn’t work out then that would be that. There was no need to be all shy about this; it’s not like this is his first time asking someone out.

He strides over to you with feigned confidence and you look up after a minute, not noticing how his shadow loomed over you. He sees that you’re working on realistic portraits of the members and not the cutesy characters he usually sees you drawing.

“Hi,” he says curtly, trying to seem disinterested though he was the one that approached you first.

“Hello,” you smile up at him.

Suga.

“You draw really cool stuff,” he says to break the awkward tension. “You should show it to the CEO. I’m sure we’d have cooler concepts for our albums with your work.”

You look up at him, a happy glint in your eyes. He was complimenting you, although avoiding eye contact to seem a little less nervous than he really was.

“Well, I’m just a contract worker so I don’t think I really have the authority to start up new projects out of nowhere,” you say with a smile on your face at how flustered he looks. “I feel like you’re here to ask me for something. Am I right?”

He looks away for a split second, coughing to alleviate his nerves. He was a grown man for fuck’s sake, why was this so difficult?

“I was actually wondering if you could come give me some opinions about some art that I drew,” he lies through his teeth, just trying to find a way to get you in a more private area than the corporate floor teaming with watchful gazes. “I’ve been trying to start a new hobby.”

You chuckle slightly, seeing right through his words. You stand up to amuse him.

“I’d be happy to.”

He leads you to a studio filled with whacky knick-knacks and dim lighting, not necessarily the best place to draw. You know by now that he just said those things as an excuse to be alone with you.

“So where’s this masterpiece?” you tease slightly at his nervous expression. How did a guy who looked so deadpan have such a giddy personality?

“Well actually,” he starts off, palms already sweaty. “I-It’s not here right now, but I think I left it at the dorms. Maybe if we exchange phone numbers I can text it to you.”

He tried to appear nonchalant, but his hands moved as if he was doing a public speaking presentation. Yoongi thought he was doing great, though growing a little more nervous at how you were giggling.

“You know, Suga,” you start teasingly, “My number is in the company directory. Feel free to text me anytime.”

Yoongi slightly cringes hearing his stage name. He loves it, don’t get him wrong, but he didn't like hearing it come from you. He didn’t like the unfamiliar aspect that came with using his stage name- like you two only went by professional terms.

“Call me Yoongi,” he says with genuine confidence this time. “I like it better when my friends call me Yoongi.”

You nod, relieved that you could finally know this cute guy’s name. Truth be told, you were snooping around his conversations with other people to figure it out.

“So we’re friends?”

Yoongi nods, sitting down in his rolling chair.

“I’d like to be,” he grins, patting the sofa, hoping you’d take a seat with him.

And you do.

—

Present

It’s hard to work efficiently when you’re no longer in a corporate space. There’s no boss to check up on your progress nor is there a nosy coworker trying to see what you’re doing from the corner of their eye. You missed the hustle and bustle of an office floor, but it was nice exploring your creativity through freelance work.

You tap your digital pen onto the table repeatedly, looking at the reference image over and over again. It was a sick joke played by the universe to have been commissioned to draw your ex-boyfriend’s idol group, but you couldn’t refuse the hundreds of dollars the ecstatic fangirl was willing to give you. Truth be told, she might have offered too much pay, but you took up her offer anyway. Money is money.

Yet a face you’ve touched so often, a person you’d been with for years felt so unfamiliar to you. It wasn’t like you were drawing him realistically either. The client wanted anime-style figures that resembled them, looked enough like the boys to display it as her Twitter header. In the end, it’s still too difficult to draw. The rest of the members were lined up and sketched perfectly, but there was a blank area where Yoongi’s face should’ve been.

Your wrists hurt from the constant drawing and erasing so you set it down to massage your hand from cramping. In moments like these, you hated your job.

Ting.

A message notification popped up on your phone that laid beside your iPad. You usually left it silent when you were working, but you opened yourself up to distractions when drawing this particular piece. Whoever thought it was a good idea to specialize in celebrity artwork? You pick up your phone and smiled softly at the text.

hey, can I come over?

—

March 2014

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Yoongi, happy birthday to you~~”

You cheer on with the rest of the boys in their cramped dorm. Somehow you had gotten close enough with them to be at this level of comfort, sitting crisscrossed and shoulders touching with Jungkook and Seokjin. Yoongi blows out the candles and claps his hands, a little sad that another year passed by so quickly. He kept glancing at you who was focused on cutting the cake like the perfectionist you were.

He couldn’t help but feel like time was running out, like if he didn’t confess to you now then it would never happen. Yoongi took off the beanie he wore and ruffled his hair. He was feeling anxious all of a sudden.

“Dude don’t do that your dandruff is gonna get everywhere,” Hoseok whines. “The cake is gonna be decorated with your dead skin cells.”

“Go wash your hands,” Jin commands and Yoongi could only roll his eyes.

“Relax, I don’t even think we’re gonna have cake anytime soon when this slow-poke is taking forever to cut.”

He flicks your forehead as you glare up at him.

“I could so easily throw this in your face, but I choose not to,” you stick your tongue out at him and he scoffs.

“I’d like to see you try.”

All the members groan out of annoyance.

“Oh my god they’re having a lovers quarrel again,” Jimin yawned. “Aren’t you guys sick of arguing?”

Yoongi freezes at his words. Lover’s quarrel. That was a nice way to put it.

“They’ll stop arguing when Yoongi finally-”

Taehyung was cut off as Yoongi swipes three fingers worth of frosting from the cake and lathers it all over Taehyung’s face.

“You talk too much,” Yoongi shakes his head and soon chaos descended. Cake flew in places it shouldn’t have and ended when Namjoon knocked over a glass of water, managing to break it on the floor tiles. In the end, no one got cake.

Yoongi and you were laughing amongst yourselves at the kitchen sink, washing off some of the bits that got onto your shirts.

“I’m so sorry about your cake,” you say through your chuckles. “I’ll make it up to you some time.”

Yoongi only smiles.

“Yeah, you can treat me on a date,” he replies a little too boldly. You look at him in shock, not quite processing his words.

“A date?”

He nods.

“We should go out sometime.”

You purse your lips to prevent the huge grin about to be displayed on your face.

“We should.”

—

Present

It was subtle, the way it all started. You trace over the features you drew so far, only getting to his eyes. Yoongi and you were innocent lovers for a while, keeping your trysts a secret from everyone in the company except his managers and the members. A few of your friends knew, but none of them knew BTS well enough to be all that surprised. It wasn’t all that rare to go out with a celebrity in your line of work.

You almost miss those days when he was unrecognizable. After your friends realized who he was after he hit it big globally, you felt like a secret of yours was displayed to them. Your love was supposed to be private, but his fame left very little room for privacy. You missed when you were the only one that knew of him and maybe it’s selfish to think that way, but you were past the point of being selfish.

You text back.

yeah, can't wait to see you

—

Jan. 2015

Yoongi lays you down on the couch gently. His hands caressing your sides underneath the thin material of your shirt as he pulls you in closer to his kisses. This felt different from other nights, different in that there was nothing around to stop what would come next.

He pulls away from you slightly, panting from the lack of oxygen.

“Are you sure?” he asks, drawing circles on your hip with his thumb. He was only supposed to come over to help you unpack some stuff for your new apartment and here you were, pinned on the couch and sweating from the close contact.

You nod back in response, not finding the right words to get him to continue. He pulls your shirt over your head, peppering kisses on your neck and atop your breasts. He fixates on your neck languidly, biting as he sees fits.

There was a pause as you felt him press up against you and you knew then that there was no making it to the bed. You would have your first time with him on this newly moved-in couch.

The clothes dropped to the ground as his touches get more impatient, more desperate. It all passes by like a blur and you could only remember the pleasure that came with his long fingers, the satisfaction you felt when he was inside you. The climax of it all made you realize that you loved him, truly and without regret. He holds you in his arms when you come undone, flashing a satiated smile as you look up at him. It’s like the stars were in his eyes.

“How do you feel?” you ask him, worried he was already drowsy. You didn’t want to have to sleep on the couch naked.

“Satisfied,” he says with a smile on his face.

You can’t help but swoon, his eyes fixated on you. At least for now, he was yours He wasn’t Suga, a rapper. He was Yoongi, your boyfriend.

It didn't matter to you that he was struggling to make a name for himself in this cut-throat idol industry or that he would spend countless nights cursing as one of his numerous tracks get rejected. None of that was in your mind. Only he swam through your thoughts. Only him.

“I love you,” he sighs out. He was the first to say it.

“I love you too,” you reply back and he holds you tight against him.

He’s nuzzling himself in your hair, his chest pressed up against you so his heartbeat can synch with yours. He loves this, can’t get enough of it. He catches your lips and once again you are whisked in the pleasure of it all. This is it. This is what love is.

—

Present

The piece is finally finished and you send it off to your client, hoping she doesn’t ask for revisions because you can’t handle another second of drawing his stupid face. His soft skin, his tiny moles, his gummy smile...

It's not like you hate him. It’s just... a certain contempt lingers after a breakup from a long-term relationship. It’s the type of resentment that can’t really be explained. You don’t want to see him, but you catch yourself watching his videos on Youtube. You don’t want to think about him, but you hope he thinks about you. You don’t see yourself ever getting back together with him, but you don’t have his phone number blocked.

It’s a sort of paradox you catch yourself in and you wonder if you could ever get out of it. Will Yoongi ever escape your mind?

can't wait to see u too babe

—

Aug. 2016

Yoongi hugs you from behind, his face scrunched at the nape of your neck where several marks were made from last night’s events. Your eyes stayed focus on the TV in front of you, still impressed by your own ability to afford one in your bedroom at your salary.

“BTS' SUGA drops new music video for his song and mixtape Agust D...”

The news anchor drones on and you could barely hear her through the sounds of Yoongi’s soft snores. His hold on you grew tighter as he hears his stage name from an unfamiliar voice and it makes you giggle slightly at how different the edgy music video being displayed was from the same person wrapping you in his arms so tightly.

“Babe, wake up. I have work to do,” you whisper into his hair and he only shakes his head back in response.

“No,” he mutters, pulling you into him closer. You roll your eyes, managing to pry off one of his hands as you sit up on the bed.

“Don’t you have studio stuff to do today?” you ask him, searching for a shirt to wear.

He shakes his head as his eyes start to flutter open. You both reeked of alcohol since you opened a bottle of wine last night to celebrate the release of his first solo work. He was proud of it and you were proud of him.

“Can you turn that off, I’m getting a migraine,” he whines, covering his head with a pillow. You opted to wear Yoongi’s shirt instead of your own since you couldn’t be bothered to walk to the other side of the bed to find it. You smiled at his laying figure, cooped in a fetal-like position. He was still naked, but you were with him long enough to no longer be phased by that sort of thing.

“From one bottle of wine?” you tease slightly. “I think you’re losing your touch, Agust D.”

You chuckle as he throws the pillow on top of his head towards you.

“Don’t call me that,” he pouts, “It feels like you’re making fun of me.”

You stand up from where you were, stretching out your back as you make your way to the door.

“That’s because I am,” you smirk, “You know you’re saved on my phone as Sugar?”

He gives you a glare.

“It’s Suga,” he says, attempting to add some intimidation to his voice. It doesn’t work because all you do is stick your tongue out at him.

“Whatever sugar.”

He chuckles lightly and watches the silhouette of your figure exit his view. Yoongi can’t help but mindlessly follow after you.

As you exit towards the kitchen, you can’t help but hear the television from the bedroom.

“Suga has recently been caught up in a dating scandal with Suran, the solo artist, who sang with him in a song...”

Your head snaps up from those words, your skin crawling with goosebumps. You make it into the kitchen but with a heavy heart and no appetite.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, passing by you to pour himself some water.

“Nothing,” you say, though you sounded bitter. He caught on quite quickly. You were jealous again.

Yoongi heaves out a deep sigh and sets the glass of water down. He comes over to your angry figure and gives you a soft hug, laying his head on top of yours as if to comfort you. You try to pull away but he keeps you close.

“I’ll tell them to drop the rumors, okay?,” he says, genuinely enough to make you believe him. “I don’t want us to fight so early in the morning.”

“You promise?”

He pulls away.

“I promise,” he says, brushing a hair away from your face. “Let’s not think about those rumors right now. You and me both know they’re not true.”

You were never one to forget so easily.

—

It was around 2016 when you had stopped working at Big Hit. They halted the Hip Hop Monster brand and your contract was expiring with them anyway. You went from living a kush office life to struggling freelance worker in a matter of a second. It also meant that Yoongi and you would be spending less time together. His busy schedules couldn’t permit him to stay with you longer than a few hours and his presence slowly started to disappear from his side of the bed.

It was like a sinking ship, what you had with him. The pain starts off slow, unnoticeable. You’ll still laugh and keep up appearances as time passes, but you could tell there was an ominous atmosphere that wasn’t initially there in the relationship. Your screams start to grow silent as more problems start to stack on top of each other. It’s then when you hit the iceberg. It’s then when it all starts to fall apart.

He was still good for you, you convinced yourself, even as the currents swept you out under your feet.

—

Dec. 2016

“What the fuck do you mean you’re not coming?” you yell through your phone. You were sitting on the floor of your living room, holiday decorations strewn around the apartment. He promised he’d come spend a day off of his winter promotions to be with you.

“You know how hectic the end of the year gets with promotions,” he says in quiet hushes. “I can’t do anything about it. This is my job.”

You suck in your cheeks to prevent yourself from yelling. From the sound of it, he was in public.

“Yoongi, I called out of talking to a really high-paying client,” you say through gritted teeth. “And I still came home. Why am I the only one making sacrifices?”

He sighed at the other end. He didn’t have the patience to deal with you today.

“Look, can you stop being so fucking needy. I don’t need this right now.”

He couldn’t tell from the phone call, but your heart broke at the word. Needy. He thought that you were needy.

“I’m already stressed out as it is,” he continues through the phone. “I don’t need you up my ass all the time.”

“I’m not gonna wait for you,” you reply, tears threatening to spill over. “I’m going to sleep and you’re gonna get rid of all the shit you have in my apartment. I’m sick of you, Yoongi.”

He scoffs.

“I’m sick of you too.”

Yoongi hangs up, about ready to hit the wall when Jimin comes to calm him down. Small things that were never meant to be taken seriously built up until it was ready to crash down.

When Yoongi comes at night to visit you, he sees that you’re asleep on the couch. He sits next to you, pulling you into his arms.

“I’m sorry baby,” he whispers quietly. “I’ll do better.”

You nuzzled closer to him, comforted by words you forget the next day. Even when you woke up with a bad neck and Yoongi snoring onto your skin, you couldn’t find a way to stay mad at him. You knew, deep down, that some way or the other you’re gonna find yourself arguing about the same thing next week.

—

Present

Junghoon comes to pick you up. Junghoon, your boyfriend.

He’s a little uptight and too stern for his own good, but has a good heart and a knack of giving great gifts. You met him from working in the same industry, a 3D graphics designer for several video game companies. He was a new addition to your life, your relationship only about three months old.

You were warming up to him slowly, thankful for finally having a consistent presence in your life. He always made time for you, never used work as an excuse, and didn’t act cold just for the sake of acting cold. Junghoon was sweet in the way that Yoongi used to be when he wasn’t such a massive celebrity.

It was a relief to have someone like Junghoon in your life that didn’t walk in and out of your door without much of a thought to even say goodbye. Your life with him has been a tad bit dull, but you don’t mind all that much. Junghoon’s made you feel secure in ways that Yoongi couldn’t.

—

May 2017

“Your boyfriend is winning a whole ass award across the world and you’re having ramen with me?” Chaerin sighs. It’s typical for a best friend to judge the actions of the other.

“Yeah and?” you reply snarkily, swirling your chopstick around to find the perfect clump of noodles. “I’m not the top social artist according to Billboard, what’s it have to do with me?”

She rolls her eyes at you.

“I don’t know, you could at least watch him win the award?” she suggests. “The live stream is literally happening right now. Your boyfriend is making history and you don’t even care!”

You look at the clock on the restaurant wall. It was nearing 2 o’clock and your client meeting would be starting soon. You were in high demand as a graphic artist recently and as far as you were concerned, that was the only thing on your mind at the moment. You stare back into your bowl, suddenly losing your appetite.

“The apartment is lonely without him,” you admit sadly.

He bought one for himself and had you move in. ‘It’s easier to not get noticed by the tabloids,’ he convinced you. The modern sleekness of his penthouse was a nice change to your lifestyle, but you missed the comfiness of your small studio apartment. It was often too cold when he wasn’t around.

“You could watch it with me?” Chaerin suggested. “Yoongi’s probably so sad that his own girlfriend doesn’t even want to watch him win such a major award.”

You bite down on your chopstick harshly.

“Well he didn't even want me to come with him so I don’t wanna hear anymore about him from you.”

Chaerin squinted her eyes in your direction.

“Well I mean I get where he’s coming from. He’s still an idol, [Y/N],” she scolds. “It would be a massive risk to take you with him.”

You shook your head disapprovingly, pushing the bowl away from you.

“I’m not an idiot, Chae. It’s not like I was asking to be on the red carpet with him, I just wanted to be there waiting in the hotel room after the show. Two nights ago he suddenly backs out and says I shouldn’t come.”

Chaerin’s jaw dropped out of shock. That wasn’t what she was expecting at all.

“Did he say why?”

You stare down at your nails, your heart growing heavy as a long pause of silence takes place. It would be better to be honest, right? You shouldn’t have to pretend like everything’s okay when it clearly isn’t.

“He said he wants space,” you say, careful not to get choked up. “So I’m giving it to him.”

You clutch your thigh instinctively, remembering how Yoongi had brought that up with you just nights before. You two weren’t happy and that he needed to figure himself out before the relationship gets any worse. It’s just a break or whatever bullshit he spouted.

She scoffs.

“What is wrong with you two?” she asks, genuinely concerned. “You are not the type of person to take a break in a relationship.”

You stare bitterly into the reflection of your soup.

“I just don’t think I’ve been happy for a while,” you reply, taking a sip of your water that was left untouched for a better half of the night. “I don’t think he is either.”

—

Sept. 2017

The break lasted for months and you wondered if it was really even a break at all. It felt more like a break up if you were honest. He’d text once in a while and video call you when he was free but other than that it felt like he became a stranger, just another celebrity billboard you walked past on your way to a client’s workplace.

You’d draw sketches of him countlessly, in fear you’d forget how his face looked in real life and not through a low-quality screen. You etched every baby hair, every small blemish he’d hide with makeup. It was your method of not forgetting who the real Yoongi was because honestly, you didn’t know anymore. You didn’t know him.

Trrrringggg.

The sound of your doorbell could be heard all throughout your apartment. You stood up from where you sat on the bed, leaving the sketchbook of his face on the comforter. You weren’t expecting any visitors, but surely enough, Yoongi stood in front of you with a lopsided grin on his face.

“Hey.”

You let him in, not uttering a single word. He looks different now. His hair was black, thank god, but his face was a little softer than you were used to. You remember him being so paranoid about turning bald just a few years ago and here he was, no bald spots to be found. He looked healthy.

“It’s been a while,” you respond, hugging your arms close to your chest, uncomfortable that he was in your presence. It was his apartment technically, but you lived in it more than he did. He opted to stay in the dorm ever since he issued that idiotic break.

“I miss you,” he says in a lowly voice and you almost believe him. Almost.

You scoff.

“It seems like you’ve been having fun without me though,” you say through gritted teeth. “I thought you still wanted space?”

He shakes his head and brings his hand to touch your arm.

“No,” he swallows his saliva. “I miss you.”

You could feel his sincerity, but you can’t help but not trust him. He’s been viciously cold to you, but you find yourself pulling him closer anyway.

“Don’t ever do that again,” you threaten. “It’ll really be over then, Yoongi.”

He sighs into your hair. He loves you. He does. But he doesn’t know why it’s so hard to express it.

“I promise [Y/N]. I won’t leave.”

—

Aug. 2018

He buys you flowers, your favorite kind. It’s a small gesture, but it has you jumping into his arms all the same. It shows that he still cares somewhat. It’s been a while since he’s last shown it.

He holds you closely, appreciating the softness of your body and how you curl perfectly into him.

“I want to stay like this,” you say mindlessly, just relishing in his presence.

You’re not mad at him today and he’s not frustrated with you. It’s a high point in your relationship.

“Me too.”

His words are simple but it warms your heart nonetheless. Yoongi looks at you with twinkling eyes and for a moment you think that this could last forever and that it will last forever. You kiss him slowly and he reciprocates.

It reminds you of your first time, slow and careful- like you were the last person he’d ever want to hurt.

His love, although painful at times, was good to you when you needed it to be.

—

July 2019

Yoongi’s gone again. He’s on tour, as usual, and not giving you any updates. You were getting sick of it. The constant waiting, the constant insecurities that ate you up inside. You weren’t built to endure this kind of torture.

Suga. Suga. Suga.

It rolls off the tongue but it feels disgusting coming out of your mouth. His stage name, a persona. He starts to resemble that name more and more as the days go by. You hear it so much now that it no longer registers as an actual word.

You call him.

He doesn’t pick up.

Again.

No answer.

You’re about ready to throw the phone at the wall until a soft ring was heard from the small device. You take the call immediately, smiling as if you passed the hardest difficulty of a video game. The grin would soon be wiped away, though.

“Why’d you call?” he grumbles from the other line, loud music blasting in the background.

“Why weren’t you picking up?” You sound bitter. You don’t care.

“I’m out right now,” he says, exasperation laced in his voice. “I’m not in the mood to talk.”

Clearly, he just wasn’t in the mood to talk to you. Yoongi was at a party or a club or wherever he could possibly be in the streets of Shizuoka at 10 p.m.

You just wanted to chat, check on him as a good girlfriend would. He’s been complaining that you haven’t been in a while. You thought this was what he wanted- for you to care.

“I just wanted to see if you were doing okay,” you sigh. “How’d the concert go?”

“Good,” he says, clearly distracted. “Some of us snuck out of the hotel rooms to let loose for a bit.”

You nod as if he could see you.

“So you’re partying?”

You could hear him laugh at the other end, but it wasn’t from your comment. Someone else was making him laugh. Someone with a light and dainty voice, whiny as she got closer to Yoongi.

“Yeah, I guess you could call it that,” he says, clearly distracted. “Listen I’ll call you back, okay?”

You feel a lump stuck in your throat. There are no words left to say. The foreign girl on the other end giggled harder at whatever Yoongi was saying and it felt like you were invading their privacy- as if she was his girlfriend and you were nothing. You hung up, your mouth feeling dry as the tears poured down.

You see a text from Yoongi just a few seconds into your wallowing. You sniffle as you read it.

don’t misunderstand. nothing’s happening rn i'm just having a bit of fun.

This time you really threw your phone at the wall.

You go to your iPad that’s sitting untouched on your desk. You open your drawing app and just let the anger in the stylus take you from there. You draw a rough sketch of a couple on the edge of a beachside cliff. The woman seems to be falling into the water as if she was pushed. The guy’s hand reaches out to her, but you can’t really tell if he was trying to grab her or if he was the one that let her go in the first place.

As the tears spilled onto the cool surface of the iPad, you sob harder. Nothing could be fixed and everything still felt broken. It was meaningless, sleeping in his bed and wearing his clothes when he was all the way in Japan snuggling up to girls that were probably much prettier and much more willing to understand his lifestyle.

You look around the penthouse he had bought for the two of you, beautiful wide panel windows and modern furniture. It mostly looks empty, everything nice and tidy as if no one lived here. It had such a stark contrast to that of his old life when he shared rooms with other members and had no place to really put his keyboard except the studio. You smiled at the memory of you all hovering around the small coffee table in the cramped living room eating ramen.

Maybe it was your fault for falling behind, for letting the world around you build up and not follow in Yoongi’s tracks.

—

Present

You guess it was then when the relationship had passed a point of no return. When everything that felt right had started to feel incredibly wrong. You tolerated his presence rather than bask in it. You heard him speak but couldn’t bother to listen. Maybe you were petty, but more than anything you were angry.

You were angry that he could break you that badly and you would still forgive him for it.

You stare over at Junghoon who’s cooking you up something on the stove. This is what you needed.

—

Nov. 2019

Yoongi was back from some big-name award show that you didn’t watch. You heard he won Artist of the Year or whatever, the accolades that he’s collected no longer having meaning as the days pass. Why be happy for him when he himself showed no signs of excitement? This was routine. He expected the awards at this point.

You walked towards him. Yoongi looked angry, though you have no idea why.

“Hey, I made dinner to celebrate,” you tell him. Yoongi’s sitting on the couch, scrolling through the congratulatory messages he received from other industry stars. He looked like he needed to get something off his chest.

“I’m not hungry,” he mutters. “Just leave it.”

“Are you sure?”

He scoffs. It was a simple question.

“Not in the mood.”

You give him a pointed look and sit next to him.

“Why are you never in the mood for anything?” you ask him. “It’s just food Yoongi. I just want to eat with you.”

You don’t see it properly but he rolls his eyes.

“Just drop it okay? Today’s a good day, I don’t need you to ruin it.”

You suck in your cheeks.

“Ruin?”

Yoongi sighs heavily.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he starts, facing you. “Why do you have to be so dramatic over everything.”

You grit your teeth.

“Dramatic?” your voice quivers. “I didn’t know feeling hurt was being dramatic.”

His gaze softens and he touches your arm lightly.

“Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.”

You shake your head, feeling your eyes dampen at his words.

“I hate your apologies, Yoongi,” you say in a hushed tone. “They don’t mean anything anymore.”

He’s shocked, not really sure how to respond. You were never one to confront him, especially when he was angry. Instead, he holds your hand softly. He was terrible at comforting people.

“Yoongi are you really sorry?” you ask abruptly. It was a question you’ve been meaning to ask for years now.

His grip on you tightened and you can’t quite read his expression, but you can tell that it’s not a positive response. He looks conflicted and he shouldn’t have to be if he really was. You force him to let go of you.

“I am,” he says, knowing he answered a little too late for his words to not seem suspicious.

“I don’t think you are,” you reply sadly. “You say sorry more than you-”

say I love you.

He doesn’t let you finish the sentence because he knows. He knows what you’re trying to say.

“I am,” he says with more sincerity, but he looks at you with an unreadable expression. “I just don’t think it’s enough at this point.”

“What’s not enough?”

You were confused. Is he still talking about whether he's apologetic or not? Or is it something entirely different?

“I do love you,” he says with a certain conviction in his voice, “and I always will, but it feels like nothing’s working out.”

Yoongi doesn’t look at you and focuses on the leather of the fancy couch. He doesn’t say anything but you know what this means. He’s about to stand up, but you grab onto his wrist.

“This is your apartment,” you say before he could say anything to break your heart even further. “I’ll leave.”

“[Y/N], no,” he says. “You don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m just gonna stay over at the dorm. I just...”

Your eyes get blurry from the tears. Even now it felt like he was looking down at you. Nowhere to go. It was like he pitied you.

“...need to go clear my mind,” he finishes the sentence, standing up to grab his coat.

You shake your head and stand in front of him. He’s usually like this. A coward. A bumbling fool who would rather avoid problems than face them head on.

“I need you to stay, Yoongi,” you cry out. “I need you to actually stay for once and comfort me.”

He looks at you, mouth open but no words come out. He smiles sadly and walks toward you, kissing your cheek.

“I don’t think I can do that anymore, [Y/N],” he says and you watch him leave as easily as he walked in.

It’s not like he ever comforted you in the first place.

—

The break up happened silently over a late-night phone call a few days after he disappeared on you. You packed up your things, stayed over at Chaerin’s house, and braced yourself for what was to come. It should’ve happened sooner, you admit, but your heart still sinks when he speaks.

“I just don’t think either of us is willing to try anymore,” he says solemnly. “We’ve been on and off for the past few years and I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to continue.”

You agree, just wanting the call to end quickly so you wouldn’t have to hear his voice any longer. It hurt to have to listen to him rationalize breaking your heart.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore, [Y/N],” he says, not even a tiny bit choked up. “I think we’ve... outgrown each other.”

You knew what Yoongi really meant. He’s outgrown you.

“I think so too,” you say rigidly. Short and simple. You left nothing to be desired. “Let’s break up.”

Yoongi looks at his phone, slightly disappointed. He wished you would fight back, maybe rekindle something in him that he’s lost over the years. Yet you were silent on the line and he just had to accept it- that there was nothing left to be saved.

“Take care, okay?�� he says softly because in the end he still cares- he just doesn’t want to anymore.

“I will,” you reply, ultimately hanging up the phone. You collapse onto a bed unfamiliar to you. Yoongi would no longer sleep beside you, no longer reach over to hug your side and whisper sweet nothings in your ear. He was gone and you had to accept that maybe he was never yours in the first place.

His last words replay in your mind.

Take care.

That was the most concern he’s ever shown you in the past few weeks. You almost scoff at the absurdity of it all. You don’t notice how truly broken you were until the tears start streaming down your face. You see the image of him through blurry eyes and you wonder how you could let Yoongi leave such a permanent scar on your heart.

—

Present

“Do you like your eggs runny or no?”

Junghoon asks as you approach his figure. You hug him from behind and smile at his warmth. Safe.

“Just a little runny,” you reply.

He smiles and nods, turning off the heat and grabbing some seasoning from your cupboard. You detach yourself from him when you realized what he was grabbing.

“Babe that’s not salt. That’s-”

Sugar.

You stop yourself from saying it and Junghoon looks at you with concern. He chuckles at your stoic state and ruffles your hair.

“Cat got your tongue or what?” he asks, grabbing the right container this time. “Maybe I should’ve asked if you like your eggs sweet instead, huh?”

“I’ve never tried that combination before,” you say teasingly. “Why don’t you test it out for us.”

He clicks his tongue at you and splashes some salt on your face.

“I’ll pour sugar all over you if that’s what you really want.”

You laugh half-heartedly. A simple word shouldn’t affect you this much but you find yourself get more teary-eyed as it repeats in your head. It wasn’t fair to Junghoon that you were thinking of your ex in his presence. It wasn’t fair to you either.

You feel a vibration from your pocket and you pull it out to serve as a distraction from your wallowing thoughts. It’s a text.

From Sugar.

—

A/N: This was so hard to write because my mind has just been empty these days but I’m so glad it’s done now >_< Thank you to @minyoongail​ for requesting this story. I’ve been bumping to the Taylor Swift song now because of this commissions T^T I recommend you all to listen to it. I tried to write this in a different style from my other works so I hope this is still readable for you all LOL

I’m closing commissions temporarily to focus on the ones I have now and to also start writing my own stuff. Let me know how you feel about this, I appreciate all types of comments and criticisms <3 Look forward to Part 2!

[jintheawkward]

in the eternal happiness | oneshots

1) the one where the maknae line is just a bunch of ogling weirdos (taejin/jinmin/jinkook) 2) the one where jimin ships it and taehyung just wants to protect their baby brother (namjin) 3) the one where seokjin finds the perfect nickname for taehyung (taejin) 4) the one where seokjin doesn’t even like raw food (jinmin) 5) the one where jungkook is too proud to say it (jinkook) 

ao3

1) the one where the maknae line is just a bunch of ogling weirdos (taejin/jinmin/jinkook)

“i don’t get called in any other apartments as much as i do into your place,” seokjin huffs as he leans over the sink with a flashlight, inspecting the insides of the drain taehyung and jimin put a lot of effort to clog.

the hem of his t-shirt rides up a bit at the back, and the boys gulp in unison at the sight of the strip of skin and the pair of cute back dimples. “i’m almost afraid to ask what are you, guys, usually doing in the kitchen instead of cooking like other normal people.”

“just the usual stuff, hyung.”

“what stuff can possibly involve a rubber duck in your crusher?”

jimin pulls his friend aside and nudges him in the ribs. “seriously, tae? a rubber duck?”

“i ran out of ideas,” taehyung whispers back with a shrug. “what about inviting namjoon hyung? we could just leave him in the kitchen for a sec and the kitchen would explode on its own.”

“we need a reason to call a plumber, not firemen.”

“looks like I will have to check your drain trap as well,” seokjin calls out, already getting on his knees and crawling under the sink.

“you can check whatever of mine you want,” taehyung mumbles with his gaze fixed on seokjin’s lower body where the washed-out jeans has stretched over his ass, hugging him tightly just at the right places.

“what?”

“eh, just, let us now if you need anything,” says jimin, clearing his throat to shake off the spell that seems to be cast on him whenever the handsome plumber bends over.

their quiet giggles shared over the pictures they have so far managed to snap from the most ridiculous angles gets interrupted by a beeping sound as their roommate punches in the entry code. the minute of shuffling at the door is followed by a slam of door, and soon enough, jungkook rushes into the kitchen, dumping his backpack mindlessly somewhere on the floor.

“hi, hyung!”

“hey, jk,” seokjin hums in response, still half-buried in the cabinet, before he turns over onto his back.

“i thought you had a lecture,” jimin mouths innocently at jungkook with a question in his eyes.

“luckily it got cancelled, you traitors,” hisses jungkook while he digs in the pocket for his own cellphone to capture the perfect view (or man) spread out in front of him.

2) the one where jimin ships it and taehyung just wants to protect their baby brother (namjin)

„oh, come on. it’s cute.“

taehyung looks up from his bass just in time to catch seokjin shaking in laughter at the other end of their practice room. there‘s a bloom of pink dusting his cheeks as he giggles with his hand clasped over his mouth at something the other boy, now sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck, has said.

„no,“ taehyung growls, not understanding jimin at all. weren’t twins supposed to pull together all the time? „it’s disgusting. this is jinnie we’re talking about. our little brother.“

„so?” sighing, jimin crosses his arms over his chest because taehyung has been just acting weird about the whole thing. seokjin’s very obvious infatuation with absolutely clueless namjoon has actually become jimin’s guilty pleasure that he looks forward to everytime his younger brother stops by at their practices or gigs. “you can’t keep him to yourself forever. he’s a blooming teenager– it’s only natural that he wants to date.“

„why does it have to be namjoon, though? out of all people?“ taehyung groans and aggressively strums the strings in frustration, which makes jungkook and hoseok turn their head questioningly from their own guitars which they have been trying to tune up.

jimin furrows slightly at the implication. „what’s bad about jin crushing on our drummer? you know namjoonie.“

„exactly,” taehyung deadpans. “i mean, he’s older than jin… “

„gosh, just by two years…“

„which means two years of more experience! and what about the lyrics he has written for us so far? you think I don’t know why is his laptop always infected?“

„stop overreacting,” says jimin, rolling his eyes at him. taehyung might be the older twin but jimin is definitely the cooler one. “should we talk about the content of your hard drive?“

just as taehyung is about to defend himself and pull out the hyung card, namjoon chooses that moment to slam his hand against one of his cymbals by accident.

„look! he’s so clumsy! a walking disaster!“

both of them watch seokjin jump to his feet with a look of worry upon his face, immediately scrutinizing namjoon’s hand as if it was nearly falling off or something. namjoon is trying to wave it off, but he only hits himself again.

„he’s like an adorable foal standing on his legs for the first time,” jimin replies and can’t help himself but smile. “so harmless. and so oblivious. i’m shipping this so hard.“

„jin!” taehyung calls when it seems that his brother is holding onto namjoon’s hand a second longer than it’s really necessary. “bring your hyung a can of soda, would you?“

he narrows his eyes at namjoon, who blinks a few times in confusion. filled with burning determination, taehyung turns back to jimin. „i won’t allow this. this is not happening, not on my watch.“

3) the one where seokjin finds the perfect nickname for taehyung (taejin)

„hyung,“ taehyung coos, planting a kiss on seokjin’s cheek as he, somehow, squeezes himself behind seokjin on the sofa to hug him from behind. after some wiggling and shifting, taehyung wraps his legs and arms around his waist, hooking his chin over seokjin’s shoulder like he always does.

„hm?“

taking his eyes off the tv, seokjin sits back against taehyung and tilts his head, bumping it lightly against his boyfriend’s head. taehyung draws back a little, at which seokjin turns sideways to see him properly.

„nothing,“ taehyung replies with that sweet smile that reminds seokjin of the little boy from the pictures that taehyung’s mother showed him when seokjin came to officially meet taehyung’s parents.

with that very same smile adorning his face now, taehyung leans down and pecks the older on lips.

then, out of nowhere, he bites seokjin at the shoulder.

„yah,“ seokjin yelps before smacking the other boy’s hand in fake outrage.

taehyung only chuckles and snuggles in closer, putting his head back on seokjin’s shoulder. meanwhile, his hand slides under seokjin’s sweater, only to settle somewhere near his navel, his thumb stroking the sensitive flesh in a lazy manner that sends shivers down seokjin’s spine.

when a moan escapes his lips, seokjin knows he had enough so he untangles taehyung’s limbs and pulls him in his lap instead.

„you’re driving me crazy,“ he says in a quiet hush, not sure why he’s whispering in the first place.

„glad to hear that.“

there’s a sparkle in taehyung’s gaze as his fingers trace the lines of seokjin’s face, gently running along his forehead, cheekbones and jawline. taehyung stops at seokjin’s mouth with his thumb resting lightly against the lips, and caresses the bottom one with the pad of his finger, his deep eyes following each move of his hand.

it’s when taehyung lowers his head down to let his mouth stroke the plump lips that seokjin realizes he has been holding his breath in anticipation the whole time.

taehyung’s face is so close now that it blurs a little, but his intimate look does not falter so seokjin instinctively closes his eyes under the weight of the intense stare.

a tip of taehyung’s tongue, warm and hesitant, darts out to flick over seokjin’s lips before he licks at his mouth. both of them can feel the little vibrations of seokjin’s low humming as they are kissing. it’s slow and thorough, leisurely in a way that leaves them relaxed and dazed when they finally break apart.

smiling, taehyung stretches his arms above his head contentedly, like a cat after a nap.

seokjin only shakes his head in amusement. „you’re like a snickerdoodle. sweet but full of spice.“

„i like that nickname,” taehyung says and it’s a full-beam smile by the time he drops his hands and links them behind seokjin’s neck.  „i think i want some of those cookies. do you think you could actually make some now?“

4) the one where seokjin doesn’t even like raw food (jinmin)

seokjin absent-mindedly pokes into the too-healthy-looking rolls on his plate.

“this is a third time only this week we’re having lunch at this place,” says namjoon around a mouthful of something they actually call pizza here, which seokjin thinks is quite a stretch.

“yeah?”

“you don’t even like raw food.”

“I’m trying to get in shape,” says seokjin and it’s not a complete lie - chuseok has definitely taken its toll on him.

“and you hate sitting on high chairs at the bar counter,” namjoon continues, “because apparently you’re not a kid anymore and the way your legs dangle in the air distracts you.”

“what if i wanted to spend some quality time with my friend and this is the only place nearby that serves the rabbit food he eats?”

“see? that’s exactly what i’m talking about.”

“i’ve changed my mind, okay?” seokjin sighs and takes a bite. it doesn’t taste bad, but it’s not a medium steak either.

“just admit there’s another reason for you to keep coming back. and it’s not even on the menu,” namjoon grins knowingly. “maybe a sweet, dumpling-like waiter you’d actually rather eat out than eat up.”

“may i refill your pomegranate juice? or get you anything else?”

suddenly, the subject of their conversation appears in front of them, all smiling and looking unbelievably cute in the ugly muddy-green uniform. seokjin suppresses the urge to immediately tear it off of him.

“uh…” seokjin gulps, staring blankly at the young man beaming at him like a hundred-watt lightbulb while namjoon has the nerve to snort.

seokjin refrains himself from shouting ‘karma’ right into the asshole’s face when namjoon drops his pizza slice, the greenish sauce smearing on the front of his shirt.

“be right back,” namjoon huffs before retreating to the bathroom.

“so…”

“right, right, the juice!” seokjin squeaks out, groaning internally at his inability to keep it cool when charming sunshines are involved. “i’d like more of the juice, please.”

“anything for your dear-“

“that’s just my colleague! we’re only friends.”

the other man laughs, carefully pouring seokjin’s drink. “I was about to say companion, but okay, good to know that. i’m jimin.”

“seokjin.”

“nice to meet you,” jimin nods with his mouth stretched into a bright smile and seokjin swears he’s in love. “i’ve seen you here few times, but you don’t seem to enjoy the food very much…”

“you’re very attractive,” seokjin blurts out as if it would explain anything, realizing too late what kind of bomb he has just dropped.

judging from the blush rising in his cheeks, jimin is equally surprised and lacks the air of bravado and confidence that usually surrounds him.

“thank you,” he says, shyly dropping his eyes. “actually, you’re the really handsome one here.”

seokjin is used to hearing compliments like that all the time but something in jimin’s voice makes him feel all soft and gooey.

however, the nice talk might end before it gets to start properly since they notice namjoon emerging from bathroom, the stain on his shirt even worse than it was before.

in record time, jimin grabs one of the napkins on the counter and scribbles down a row of number and then, pushes it towards seokjin.

“call me?”

seokjin only manages to nod like a love-struck idiot, which makes jimin laugh again.

he’s about to leave but remembering something, he turns back to seokjin and leans in closer over the bar.

“and just so you know,” jimin whispers with a grin, “i would definitely let you eat me out.”

5) the one where jungkook is too proud to say it (jinkook)

even with the fan right in front of his face, the room still feels too hot and the tank top seokjin’s wearing sticks disgustingly to his body.

“just take it off,” says jungkook on the other side of the screen, and despite the poor connection and grainy video, seokjin can see his characteristic eyeroll. “my innocence won’t suffer, i promise.”

seokjin ignores his smirk.

“so how are things back home?”

“same, boring. what about you?” jungkook asks with a sigh. “everyone keeps asking when you are returning, even the rice cake ajumma. no wonder, her incomes must have dropped rapidly with her main glutton out of town.”

“rude.”

“even jjangu seems to look for you everyday. you should come back before this becomes another hachiko story.”

“i doubt that,” seokjin snorts, thinking of his old ungrateful dog, “he must be thrilled since there’s no one to bother him.”

“how can you know that?” jungkook furrows and straightens in the chair. “jjangu might not act like it all the time, but he cares about you a lot.”

“okay,” seokjin retorts carefully, sensing that something is off. “jungkook, what-“

“man, the hot and humid weather is extra unbearable today,” complains yixing as he bursts into their shared room and plops down on his bed, immediately tossing his shirt away. “what are you doing?”

“skyping with jungkook.”

with a new-found energy, yixing scrambles to his feet and leans over seokjin in a matter of few seconds, draping all over him because that’s how yixing is.

“so this is your little boyfriend.”

jungkook winces in surprise as a new face squeezes into the frame, and seokjin notices the way his features slightly stiffen.

“the way you say it makes me look like a pedo.”

“he’s adorable,” yixing grins whereas jungkook is trying to process the sudden amount of chinese thrown at him. “just the type i thought you would be dating.”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

“nothing. just that you’re very predictable when it comes to cute stuff,” yixing says, squishing seokjin’s face, and peels himself off him. “well i’m out, third-wheeling isn’t really my thing. keep it pg, kids.”

“so that was yixing, my roommate. a really cool guy,” seokjin breathes out once the door closes behind yixing.

“he seems to be,” jungkook murmurs, fiddling with his fingers. “touchy and very naked too.”

“what?”

“just that you two look really close, especially for people who've met few weeks ago.”

“jungkook, are you jealous?”

“no, why would i? i’m just stating what i see. good to know you’re enjoying yourself there,” his boyfriend shrugs like he doesn’t care but seokjin knows that it isn’t the case.

“why don’t you just admit that you miss me?”

jungkook’s eyes widen in embarrassment. “no, that’s not-“

“because i miss you a lot,” seokjin interrupts, feeling that he needs to let this off his chest quickly.

“you do?” there’s a hint of hopeful joy in jungkook’s voice this time that makes him sound so young and vulnerable. seokjin just wants to kick himself because he should have noticed all the signs earlier.

“of course, i do. what is he doing now? has he eaten his lunch yet? is he struggling with his math homework again? did he go for his evening jog? or was he too tired after his dance practice? everyday, I think about how much I want to hold your sweaty hand, jokingly pat your butt, kiss that little scar on your cheek. so yeah, i do miss you.”

even though jungkook isn’t looking at him, seokjin knows the boy is smiling.

“i miss you too, hyung. i miss you very much.”

[jenguerrero]

#voyageurpress #quartobooks #lindaly #tpwd #caddolake #johnsonsranchmarina

“Ooooh, I wanna go camping for my birthday!” “I’d like to go hiking!” My daughter and husband have birthdays a week apart and their requests sounded like one fantastic weekend! The Texas State Park campgrounds fill up pretty fast, so I polled my Facebook buddies right away to get a potential list of parks with the best trees. Got the site!

We’re all foodies. Adding birthdays on top of that, I really wanted to make lovely campfire fare, so I ordered a copy of The New Camp Cookbook. I gave it a flip through and flagged a lot of potential weekend deliciousness, and then I saw it, Dutch Oven Old-School Lasagna. Haha! Lasagna and Potstickers are her two favorite food groups. Perfect! (We already did his birthday dinner and cake at home!)

It’s very cool. You will not be bored with the same old campsite (or backyard!) meals. The author’s intent is that you do all the prep right at the campsite. Measuring and dicing out in the woods, where I have no desire to have a full pantry or fridge to work out of, sounded pretty bad. I prefer to keep things as simple as possible out in the woods, so that we can concentrate on hiking, canoeing, and chillaxing, so I did all the prep work at home, and even froze what parts would freeze well to double as ice packs in our cooler <I spell out those details below>. It worked out so well, and I couldn’t be happier with the book. <If you normally read my stuff, you’ll laugh at the pictures. When we got to the site, our lantern wasn’t working, so I had to shine a pocket flashlight on the salmon to get a shot. The pics look like something out of Blair Witch Project. LOL!>

Since you’re reading about campfire food, I’m going to guess that there’s a good chance that you like to see potential outdoor playgrounds. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. Half the lake is in Texas and half is in Louisiana. It has a few miles of pretty hiking trails through the woods. But what they’re known for is a paddling trail. You can rent canoes there. On the state park website I found alligator warnings. What?! We got there and saw tons of canoes in the water. We went to the ranger station and asked. She said the alligators aren’t really a problem and they don’t usually come that far up the bayou. I generally think Bill Bryson nailed it in A Walk in the Woods when he said, “Bears don’t sign treaties.” Hmmmm. But I trust park rangers. They’re in the business of keeping humans and wildlife happy and safe. So we went. And oh my gosh, am I ever glad that we did! The campground was out of canoes, so the ranger sent us over to Johnson’s Ranch Marina.

The bald cypress trees look mystical when the paddling trail gets narrow and they form a canopy, and the mounds of Spanish moss hanging off of them have a softening effect like draperies. It’s straight out of Tiana’s playground in Princess and the Frog. Water lilies are everywhere, and Alex (my birthday kiddo) was delighted by holding her paddle over them and watching the water droplets disperse in a frenzied dance over the surface. And there are lightning bugs everywhere lighting up the woods. We hadn’t seen them since selling our property in New York. We’d missed them so much. It was an amazing adventure. You should go!

We came home, built a fire, and got the Dutch Oven Old-School Lasagna going while the kids went off to find the shower house. The lasagna was the perfect birthday dinner out in the woods! I’ll show you the other dishes I made in the book afterwards, but first let me get you the recipe for that lasagna! Thanks to Quarto for letting me share it with you!

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Dutch Oven Old-School Lasagna

Makes 6 servings

Ooey gooey goodness was once only possible at home, in an oven, where layer upon layer of pasta, cheese, and sauce bubbled together in a tidy rectangular baking dish. But classic lasagna can now be had in camp! It might be round, but it’s got all the flavors and layers you know and love. I use oven-ready noodles in this recipe to save the extra step of boiling them (and dirtying another pot… because who wants to do more dishes?).

FOR THE MEAT SAUCE (Prepare, bag, and freeze ahead of time! Thaw when ready. ~Jen) ½ pound (226 g) lean ground beef ½ pound (226 g) Italian sausage, casing removed 1 medium yellow onion, chopped 4 cloves garlic, minced 1 (28-ounce/800 g) can crushed tomatoes 1 (8-ounce/226 g) can tomato sauce ¼ cup (60 ml) dry red wine 1 Tablespoon tomato paste 1 Tablespoon Italian seasoning 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes 1 teaspoon kosher salt ½ teaspoon fennel seeds ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper To make the meat sauce, heat a large skillet over medium-high heat and add the ground beef and sausage. Flatten the meat, spread it across the skillet, and cook until browned on the bottom, about 5 minutes. Stir to break up the meat and continue cooking until browned all over, 3 to 5 minutes more. Add the onion and garlic and cook until the onion starts to turn translucent, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes, tomato sauce, wine, tomato paste, Italian seasoning, red pepper flakes, salt, fennel seeds, and pepper. Bring the mixture to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer until the sauce is thickened, about 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, prepare a mound of wood coals, hardwood lump charcoal, or charcoal briquettes.

FOR THE CHEESE MIXTURE (Prepare, bag, & freeze ahead of time! Thaw when ready. ~Jen) 2 large eggs 4 ½ cups (500 g) shredded mozzarella cheese, divided 2 cups (450 g) ricotta cheese ½ cup (50 g) grated Parmesan cheese, divided ½ cup (25 g) chopped fresh parsley leaves, plus more for garnishing To make the cheese mixture, in a medium bowl, beat together the eggs, 4 cups (450 g) of mozzarella, the ricotta, ¼ cup (25 g) of the Parmesan, and the parsley. Stir until well combined.

FOR THE LASAGNA Olive oil spray 9 uncooked oven-ready lasagna noodles (I used more. I think my Dutch oven’s bigger. ~Jen) 3 cups packed baby spinach To assemble the lasagna, lightly spray a dutch oven with oil. Spoon 1/3 of the meat sauce into the oven, followed by 1/3 of the noodles, ½ of the cheese mixture, and ½ of the spinach. (Break the noodles into pieces to fit the oven.) Repeat with the remaining ingredients, finishing with a layer of meat sauce. Top with the remaining ½ cup (56 g) mozzarella and remaining ¼ cup (25 g) Parmesan. (Here’s my quick sketch of the layer plans. ~Jen)

Move about a quart’s worth of coals to the cooking pit and arrange them in a ring. Cover the oven, set it on the ring of coals, and place 1 ½ rings of coals on the lid.

Bake over medium heat for about 30 minutes, until all the cheeses are melted and the noodles are tender. Replenish the coals as needed to maintain medium heat and rotate the oven and lid halfway through for even cooking. Let stand, uncovered, for 10 minutes before serving. Garnish with parsley.

My review of the book…

The New Camp Cookbook By: Linda Ly Edition: Hardcover

My thoughts and pics on the dishes we tried: 1) Blueberry Skillet Scones with Lemon Glaze – p 42. These were divine. They are rich, fragrant, and not overly sweet. I prepped the dough and icing in advance and put them in separate sealed bags. 2-5) Savory Oatmeal with Bacon, Cheddar, and Fried Egg – p 49. Delicious. This was everyone’s favorite breakfast. I cooked and crumbled the bacon and toasted the oatmeal in advance. Then I measured and separately bagged the bacon, oatmeal, cheese, and chopped onion. I measured ice water into a mason jar (they have measurement lines on the side), so that it would double as an icepack and a drinking jar, too.

6) Foil Pack Salmon with Pineapple Salsa – p 101. Fabulous dinner. The sweet, savory, and spicy salsa complements the rich fish perfectly. I washed the fish, seasoned it, and topped it with lime slices and bagged that in advance. And I made another sealed bag of the salsa in advance. This was supposed to be done in foil, which I forgot at home, so I just used my Dutch oven with a lid, and it worked perfectly. Our lantern was dead, so this photo taken with a pocket flashlight will have to do. 7-11) Dutch Oven Old-School Lasagna – p 179. All the yes! Lasagna and potstickers are my kiddos favorite foods, so I was thrilled to see one of them in the book for her birthday dinner. This works perfectly in the Dutch oven with coals. Everyone loved it. I made the meat sauce and combined the cheese mixture ahead of time, and separately bagged and froze those. Then I made a little bag of the topping cheese. There was supposed to be spinach in this, but I forgot it at home.

12) Mimosa Sangria – p 190. This was a lovely fireside sipper. I put the measured fruit, orange liqueur, and fruit juice in one mason jar ahead of time. When we were ready to drink it, I divided it between this and the other mason jar that the measured water had been in for the oatmeal that was now empty, and my hubby topped them both up with champagne. How’s that for glamping?! 13-15) Camp Chai – p 202. I made the chai concentrate ahead of time. Next time, I’ll make two batches because the kids loved this in the morning while they sat around the fire waiting for their breakfasts. It’s a total mug of coziness.

16-17) Campfire S’Mores, 6 Ways – p 209. My daughter chose a mash-up of two as her birthday cake. Chocolate graham crackers, Nutella, salted caramel, and toasted marshmallows. They thought they were way better than the standard deal. Next time, I’ll chill the Nutella and caramel so that it’ll stand up better to the molten marshmallow. One of my kids is a marshmallow igniter.

Some others I have flagged to try: Peanut Butter-Stuffed French Toast with Honeyed Blackberries – p 56 * Bacon-Wrapped Potatoes with Blue Cheese – p 62 * Egg-in-a-Hole Grilled Cheese – p 68 * Pile of Grilled Vegetables with Herbed Toasts – p 79 * Grilled Grape and Gorgonzola Pita Pizzas – p 92 * Vietnamese Pork Tacos with Pickled Carrots and Daikon – p 95 * Bacon-Wrapped Dates – p 115 * Grilled Corn on the Cob, 4 Ways – p 120 * Charred Romaine Salad with Lemon-Anchovy Dressing – p 127 * Peak-of-Summer Peach Caprese Salad – p 130 * Five-Alarm Three-Bean Chili – p 142 * Summer Vegetable and Salmon Packets – p 153 * Tin Foil Seafood Boil – p 157 * Grilled Flank Steak and Fingerling Potatoes with Chimichurri – p 162 * Dutch Oven-Baked Buttermilk Chicken with Kale and Apple Slaw – p 182 * Grilled Pears with Honey-Cinnamon Crème Fraiche – p 214 * Dutch Oven Strawberry-Rhubarb Cobbler – p 215

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The New Camp Cookbook

Food Saver

I bought my Food Saver for my sous vide. It’s nice to have, but completely unnecessary for that. Where it really shines in on road trips. We can play in the middle of nowhere and eat like kings. When I was in the market, the mamma jamma of Food Savers was on sale, so why not?! But there are much cheaper models in the Food Saver line.

Portable Grill

My little grill. My kiddo won this at Home Depot one day. Not even kidding. My husband is a garden enthusiast, and she tagged along with him to buy all the flowers. She saw a ballot box by the customer service desk and entered her name, and we got a call. It’s fun to drag along to the lake for a lazy dinner after a day of kayaking. There was a burn ban at the campground (we didn’t know that they still allowed fire to cook), so we brought this little guy along. He uses a standard propane tank just like a full-size backyard deal, folds up, and works well. Niiiice.

  Camping weekend! Dutch Oven Old-School Lasagna recipe and Cookbook review: The New Camp Cookbook #voyageurpress #quartobooks #lindaly #tpwd #caddolake #johnsonsranchmarina "Ooooh, I wanna go camping for my birthday!" "I'd like to go hiking!" My daughter and husband have birthdays a week apart and their requests sounded like one fantastic weekend!