#in a server. all things i do irl
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also i joke abt sibling fall in super deep puddle and die but that dream actually literally made me wake up crying
#ALSO i was exaggerating. the vast majority of my dreams r me waking up and scrolling tumblr or something. or playing a game or backreading#in a server. all things i do irl#so it makes it rly rly hard 4 me to differntiate bc ill wake up and be like lol that post was sooo funny <- made it up#anywyas the puddle drema was. we pulled up to my grannys house and ir was storming#like POURING rain. and my sibling got out of the van and ran inside#but theres this hugeee puddle outside my grannys house. like irl its like 6 inches deep#but lamp stepped on the puddle and just fell strsifht down and i was kneeling at the edge of the puddle trying to pull them up#and i hust couldnt. and they fell farther in and well Probably died. and then my baby sister also tried to run in and fell in the puddle#and i xouldnt save her either. so i just sat by the edge of the puddle and sobbed#so yas.#a glimpse into my twisted mind
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yknow with tthe whole cc!kab rping an actual character rather than just being herself with extra steps thing i should prbs talk about her character in a different way compared to other lsers cause it feels wrong to talk about her in the same way that i do for the others when she plays in such a significantly different way
#mine.txt#ik its for practical purposes aka cc!kab not wanting to mistake ppl talking about her character to be talking about her#but man doing this whole cc! and c! thing is really just reminding me of the dsmp days lmao#i mean i never did that shit cause like i didnt really see the point cause like. theyre doing improv what difference would it make#cause like the character and the actor still share the same name online#how much can you really talk about someone doing improv in that kinda way until it doesnt work anymore#but theres a point to it this time#im not doing this for clarification purposes cause yall already know im not talking about irl kab#but cc!kab repeatedly breaks the forurth wall and not in an ''im a streamer so i gotta talk to chat'' way#but in a ''none of this is real guys were actually friends irl#and i make sure to do aftercare during heavy streams btw im trained in acting since i was a kid'' way#which means at least in my minds eye its heavily impractical to talk about kab the way i usually do for other streamers#see the way i talk about the other streamers theres an implicit acknowledgement of the blurred line between cc and c#but for kab while its all improv ofc theres a very defined line between cc and c#its a lil smudged sure but its still quite defined#so that implicit acknowledgement just kinda... gets lost. yanno? which im not a big fan of#so yeah i feel the need to talk about her differently cause of this entirely different framework to work off of#im not really sure how to do that besides adding cc! and ls! before her name#since usually in smps and mcyt in general theres a pretty similar meta rp style from all the members of a server#so i never really felt the need to talk about ome of the characters differently#but ofc ls had to be different it just had to lmao#but whatever ill figure it out#dont expect me to keep up with this when im triggered tho lmao cause thats just not happening
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does anyone else really really miss qslime and codeflippa lore or is it just me
#qsmp#im hopeful with the ccs being in control of lore again#that when the admin thing is sorted out (cuz codeflippa is yknow. egg admin)#that he gets released from lore jail#I MISS HIM SO BAAADDDDDDDDDDDD#i assume his lore isnt coming back until the admins do#cux again between sunny and flippa and the codes lmao#but tbh before he showed up at the awards i wasnt even sure if he was still#even gonna be on the server ever lmaoo#but i think if bro went all the way out there to do that irl i doubt hes leaving lmao#anyways qslime please come back from the war i miss you#i want to see more of you and sunny :(
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i drew my minecraft oc and my friend’s @waruihoshi technically an oc more like an npc on the minecraft server she roleplays as fnjkfdfd in the style of cult of the lamb because my oc runs a cult of the pink sheep :]
#man i havent drawn in over a month like at all#this was very fun! i miss drawing more often#everytime i think i can get back to it with more energy something irl happens and stops me from doing that raaghhh#but i try :)#minecraft#minecraft oc#cult of the lamb#cotl#halfart#endermag#warui smp#the pink sheep#(if anyone randomly stumps across this warui smp is just the name of my friends private lil server its nothing mcyt related lmao)#this is obviously heavily based on official cotl artwork but i had a lot of fun tweaking it a bit to fit these two characters more#and designing the crown was so fun too :3#its supposed be an obsidian tower from the end with an eye of ender#and the uhh i forgot the name but the green thing he's wearing i based the colors on the eye of ender#cuz the character is an enderman#also the white letters actually spell 'void' in minecraft enchanting table language :3#im normal. im so normal about symbolism and lore
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I had a dream about me being in a collab cover with some guy from good omens and two other ppl xD we sang overmaster from idolmaster and I was pretty young (around the time I started covers sooo 11-12??)
Weird tho idk anything about good omens I've never watched the show nor do I plan to—at least the cover got popular bcz the guy from good omens was in it BAHAHEJA
#also in the dream it's completely unrelated but one of my friends online were super nice to me!#we have this server together (not in the dream like irl)#and in the dream I was apologizing for not talking in it as much and they were all like#“it's completely fine don't worry about it!! your covers are super amazing and I understand you're busy!! ^^”#IT WAS SOO SWEET I WANTED TO CRYYYY#oh yea also in the dream there was this video about the cover that came out abt good omens guy being hashtag EXPOSED for some stuff#so ahem#but I was cool tho <3 (probably because I was.yk a child)#kinda odd thing is right when I woke up one of my tumblr mutuals dmed me about a collab another one of my mutuals were doing#and I'm ngl I thought I was still in the dream for a minute but NOPE this is real life!#it's not a cover collab it's an art collab but I still thought it was funny and cool#ANYWAYZ no more beddy bye for me!! I'm staying awake!!!!#*goes honk shoo 10 secs later*#alr I'm probably gonna listen to overmaster on repeat now that song has been stuck in my head since I woke up..for obvious reasons xD
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Discord banned in my counry too!!!!
LET'S GOOO PAIN AND SUFFERING AND CORRUPT MEANINGLESS GOVERMENTS !!!!
#im so mad about discord stil#i used it like 3 hours everyday thats where i would talk to EVERYONE#online or people i know irl#i had these servers with like 30 irl friends#and we would play games every night and hang out and have insane talks in the chats#lile damn i have archives of my entire childhood and teenage years there#and a goverment official decides that “iTs bAd fOr tHe kIdS” as if they give a single shit about kids#and whatsalpp just aint doing it for anyone#vpns work but theyre all expensive on pc#and its never gonna be the same again anyway#cant even watch shows with friends anymore#we finished all of game of thrones and avatar the last airbender and house md and a shit ton of series on discord#we used to play so many games#im going on a rant here but a bunch of saggy old men decide to ban an app and we all lose so many things its making me angry
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life update: ive buried myself in my irl work
and whenever someone messages me (for good reason) about a fandom thing i get so irritated because i just dont have the time or headspace at the moment and the mild irritation passes im left with feeling bad that i neglected fandom stuff for too long 😞 but at the same time can you just stop :D
#nina.talks#nowadays ive been reflecting on a lot on how to balance my fandom like with irl#cause i dont want to lose that part of my identity i associate myself with fandoms#but darn gosh FUCK do i need a break#like sometimes its really not about buying the newest collection they release#or collecting all types of merch#i WISH i could afford to think that way longer#but financially i need to wake up this 2025 and not give in.#its just very irritating when people dont respect that boundary#but i also know its a bonding thing/hobby thing in our friendship#im really just rambling at this point#i need a ME day which is schedule this saturday#but i need it now!!#this has nothing to do with writing and art but really about the merch collecting thing#and my last event duties#bc writing and art are things i WANT to do#like i wanna do my hobbies and pour my energy into something personal and i'll be proud of#side note as a writing warm up (and breather for myself) i did a writing sprint for all the selfship HCs qotd from the server#but they got so personal i cant post them#its rlly like baring your soul out there#but also i think im just rlly boring these hcs are so general...#wheres my personality#NOW ITS AN IDENTITY CRISIS
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loudly bitching about someone over the phone for 40 minutes straight at work while coworkers sideeye me. sorry. i have never shown this behavior before and itll be another two years before i do it again
#THERAPEUTIC. incredible things happening.#this person. me and this guy both love this person. but Oh my God.#he called to tell me abt something that kind of pissed him off last night and i started talking about a month and a half ago#why are we handholding this grown ass person thru fomo and massive control issues. well. it's not a dealbreaker but i might blow up one day#oscillating between 'yes i love them' and 'i've been pissed for a month and a half'#the horrors of having a interconnected friend group? it's really just two people i would really really hate to lose. others wouldn't be as#affected but those two. i love them. and AGAIN it's not a dealbreaker it's just kind of a buildup of behaviors. anyone remember my bitchy#post about the fomo/anxiety essay#also smaller things like Why are you trying to micromanage two disc servers that you dont have to lift a fucking finger in#um. my beloved irl if you see this. you didn't. i do love her to death. you know i do#the issue is if i put out all my issues they would take it really badly like they would act like it's the end of the fucking world#when i'm just like hey i am not your mother or your therapist and also stop trying to tell me what to fucking do#they would. um. lose it.#and some people are gonna get hit in the crossfire and i don't want to cause that. even tho it. wouldnt really be me.
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I swear to god, dealing with writing servers should not be this hard. Surely there are anti-censorship ones not run by right-wing wackjobs. Surely there are ones where someone isn't going to hit you with the "glorify/fetishize/romanticize" trifecta of buzzwords and blanket ban any kind of dark or mature content, even with trigger warnings. Surely they won't do this after the fact and after you had established yourself as a part of the community. Surely there is at least ONE place out there, where they don't act like you're some kind of slavering shithead, just because you depict certain kinds of explicit content.
Surely.
#writing#writer problems#like sometimes things that are horrible and bad...are depicted as horrible and bad. shocking I know.#maybe I need to look into 'dead dove' or 'proship' servers#the entire pro/anti fight is stupid as hell but at least I probably won't be banned or called an apologist of some kind in those spaces#just because I have a villainous character doing villainous things#like I've got a story based on real life upsetting family history set during segregation#I've got a file full of documentaries and book sources to ensure that as much of it is done proper respectful justice#am I gonna get attacked because the white supremacists act like white supremacists?#or because their victims seek a violent and deserved revenge?#I'm just so tired. I'm tired of walking on eggshells all the time.#and online spaces are all I have#with the book bans going on I am certainly not going to risk trying to vet an IRL group#croak.txt
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the worst part of my depression/adhd/whatever is that i love my friends so so much and i want them to be happy but i'm just so tired and anxious and avoidant all the time so i literally cannot respond to Any of them. hell it might not even be my neurodivergency, i had literally One Friend growing up and maybe it's still habit that i can only keep up with one. and i always feel so fucking sad and guilty seeing so many notifications on discord because i love talking to these people, it's just really, really, really hard for me and i'm just so. frustrated
#ouygghuhh i can't even respond to my best friend of YEARS‼️‼️‼️‼️ when they're literally one of my most favorite people ever#and i can't even miss people when they're not around! i CAN'T and i HATE IT. SO MUCH.#i don't have that longing ache that everyone describes when i don't talk to someone for a while. i just think of that person and get anxious#and it's HORRIBLE#i can only respond to irl's because i know i'll see them tomorrow. that's the only thing that sometimes keeps me responding to them#AND I DON'T HATE THEM. I DON'T NOT WANNA TALK TO THEM. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. THEY MAKE ME SOOOO FUCKING HAPPY#i just. can't. i hate texting. i hate texting and calling so much. i hate servers and group chats and ESPECIALLY one on one person chats#i just. can't. i hate it. i hate it so much. because now i feel bad and i have So Many Messages and it's so much work talking to people#even then i fucking Love talking to the person. it's just so much#all i have energy for is to lay down on a person and vaguely listen to things they say. i wish that's all the affection i need to give-#people for them to understand i love being with them. i just want to be a cat where the most affection i need to give is being in the same-#room or making nonsensical noises to them for them to feel alright and loved#because i just Can't make any response. why is it so hard#especially not with So Many People#why do i have to make friends and then get stuck here. why do i have to Make so many when i know i can't keep any#vent
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am fine
#fecking no i aint in tags lol#gosh i love my friends but man do i have a inferiority complex- and they dont exactly help with it-#like. today tryed join in with smth with making ocs cause friends already did that#was having a lil bit of fun trying mojo#and then another friend joined in and idk#i dont wanna sound mean but took it?#i was gonna make a charscter or smth planned out with heizou but they sorta took over my channel and made smth with him#which is fine im fine i just gosh#i feel so dumb and bad when others sorta take my spot#all my friends are so so good at character creation and figuring out lore fast and i just#i suck at it. i struggle so hard with writing and trying to get into characters heads#i suck at roleplay and usually go with whats funniest to me#i feel like a joke. they only just moved channels and its been an hour.#i know what i would have made wouldnt be half as good but i wanted to make something#and that got trampled. it really dosent help that i was sorta the art one and then a way better artist joined the server#i just- i know it dosent make sence but with it all i just feel useless? is that ok??#i want to make things and be as good as my friends with it but i alwase feel like im just worse. i wish my head worked right like all of#theirs do. i know i make good ideas and things. but thats after months and months of working out and revising#they make a whole coherant story in an hour. wile multitasking. how am i supposed to keep up with that??#i also just feel pathetic cause they are my only super close friends. one being only irl friend that dosent just feel like my brothers#and even then that friend is moving away soon. damn it i just wish i could be as good as them with something. anything#i dont wanna just be the silly younger sibling friend all the time. i dont wanna help just make jokes. i wanna make cool stuff like them#they all have their stuff so much more together and i just want to be decent compared to then on one thing#i just want one please.
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I'm in several dnd discord servers that exist pretty much solely to serve as the platform for video calls when we play those campaigns, and first of all that's already kind of a bummer to me because I like discord and I feel like actually using a campaign specific discord for chatting and text rp and collecting resources (like maps and things) and soforth is an opportunity we're collectively wasting, but more importantly two of them look like this
and it's not important enough for me to go out of my way to ask my friends 'hey you should put literally any image in there' but hey please put literally any image in there
#I don't know why I hate it so much but I hate it SO much lmao#BLEAS.... SIRS......#I also have emoji privileges in several of these for reasons that are mysterious to me (it was probably unintentional)#and that POWER is going to WASTE because we don't actually USE THOSE DISCORDS!! wehhh#it's not a big deal several of the dnd campaigns I'm in have a dedicated facebook groupchat which is fine also#and we all play on roll20 so we have formal actual Forums when we need that#I just like the way you can split up and organize a discord server and the different things you can do with it#but man... the server pics..... slap the setting world map or a jpeg of a d20 in there or SOMETHING#about me#irl frens
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[Image Description: screenshot of Tumblr tags on light mode.
Tags read:
Getting real suspicious about the conflation of fantasy with reality in fandom.
"You must only read good and pure things! Otherwise you're secretly evil (smiley face)" is the song of book burners and history revisionists.
The growing number of fans treating shipping as a sign of moral purity is troubling at best and terrifying at worst.
Never trust someone who tells you to police your thoughts.
Never trust someone who tells you that bad thoughts are the same as bad actions.
And most of all.
Never trust a purity spiral.
Fandom
ID End]
I really think everyone needs to truly internalize this:
Fictional characters are objects.
They are not people. You cannot "objectify" them, because they have no personhood to be deprived of. They have no humanity to be erased. You cannot "disrespect" them, because they are not real.
#reblogging this again#fandom culture#look guys#even “the good fandoms” are susceptible to this#for example in my personal experience#tmnt has been on the more accepting side#but never have i seen such visceral hate towards “problematic” ships#i feel like it puts me in a position where i need to defend the people who create art/fic of those ships because the witchhunts are so#aggressive and unyeilding#once in a discord server someone was complaining about tcest and asked “why does anyone even write that?”#they meant it as a complaint#but i (autistic and very literal) thought it was an honest question and tried to answer it in good faith#(to the best of my ability because i do not write tcest and am just using my best guess as to their thought process)#the reaction to my attempted explanation was immediately hostile and the other members of the server started talking about me as if i wasn't#there. Discussing whether or not i should be allowed to stay in the server as if i was some sort of threat to them#they eventually (reluctantly it seemed) decided that since i wasn't “supporting” Them(TM) (aka tcesters) that i was technically fine to stay#and I'm not saying you can't have space without shippers of things you don't like. i am in full support of the “Just Block Them” strategy.#but also the aggression being flipped on me just for not immediately condemning it was scary. I've seen people put on blocklists for less.#the whole experience made me more sympathetic to people who do write tcest or other “problematic” ships. i don't support that stuff irl.#but this is the INTERNET. the characters AEE NOT REAL. how is this WORSE than all of the super-popular fics where horrific violence happens#to the characters. if you don't like someone JUST BLOCK THEM instead of graphically detailing how you'll hurt them if you find them reading#your fics. holy shit. it's not that big of a deal. they're fictional characters. get over it.
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“[character] eats people” not in a condemning hannibal or whatever as immoral art kind of way but “they eat people” in a trying to get people to appreciate the lack of easy answers to tokyo ghoul morals way
#i'm back on my 'tokyo ghoul doesn't work and is imo borderline offensive as an allegory for irl social evils' soapbox everyone#actually i'm quite mad at the former group bc do u have any idea how many times i wanna go 'ghouls eat ppl' to a take#but i can't bc 1) not their problem but also 2) it makes me sound like the fun police even though thats the OPPOSITE of what i'm going for#ahhh i have been in this dump long enough to see fandom go full circle from 'blue curtains are depression' to 'blue curtains are blue'#and now back again to the former but if the blue curtains are duct taped to a windowless wall im gonna wonder how the hell you missed that#been having all kinds of fun in a tg server the last few months but now i want someone to talk about the foolishness i suffer THERE with#I'm to the point of hoping someone pops off with something even my new friends think is ridiculous#so i can argue with someone outright bc being diplomatic about ppl dead seriously playing the genocide card hurts sometimes#like guys i am more than content to just be the happy little suzumutsu mascot handspringing down the field#don't try to get pedantic about the irl definition of genocide and expect the doves advocate to agree with you#get it devils advocate but i said doves#also just in general im noticing i don't love having stimulating fandom discussions with ppl who only have lit analysis to fall back on#like... don't you have life experience or vast knowledge on anything BUT themes and motifs and shit to lend you a unique perspective?#that last part is just a me thing and I'm selective about it myseof based on what i like bc fandom is for fun but yeah#been holding that back big time
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good lord got a post put on my dash that was some Fandom Opinion blog talking ab how things irl shouldn't be mentioned in spaces where it's not meant for. curiously, i searched racism, and well, what you expected to happen happened,
#aria talkz#'what you expect to happen' was Associating the same things with racism or literally any talk of antiblackness.#Never trust a nonblk fandom-obsessed person god bless#because it is all about making White People Safe always and Forever. clearly. [sarcasm]#{ if you cant tell. im black . mixed black But jesus Christ. }#( esp bc i think its usually telling bc in the spaces its happened in for me they usually Hate talking ab racism but every other talk of-#bigotry is fine and Unpunished. so theres clearly bias. its just when YOURE criticized its the issue . )#anyways i never ever ever trust white fandom obsessed ppl the racism roots run deep. as they do always but. especially there christ alive#'fandom opinion blog' was already a red flag. but Jesus fucking christ.#also the general argument of media being always for escapism and fandom being always for escapism is weird.#theres always political messages and general messages in like.. a lot of media. and bigotry that is in media . This is an excuse.#its insane looking at people just be kind of racist and awful about palestinians and irl issues in the replies of that . what the fuck man#These are real world problems this isnt about your stupid discord fandom server shit get a grip holy fuck nonblk fandom obsessed ppl r craz#vent channels do suck in any server that isnt a close knit friend server i agree But given the rest of the context and wording of these...#whatever im gunna stop rambling bc it pisses me off as someone w firsthand experience multiple times it is just selfishness and racism. jf#being black bpd autistic in the ''nonpalatable'' way And aroace makes fandom as a space full of fucking landmines for me . always has been#( blog was my fandom reali tea w/o th spaces if you wanted to block. dont harass but jfc. )#its like peering in a dark hole i havent been back in since i was 14 . dont you have better things to do than run a fandom discourse blog.
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ah. I haven't listened to this song in years. I stopped listening to it because I wanted to make a music video for it. but I needed my friends to help me. I asked them multiple times and they would never help. I was very upset about it so I had to stop listening to the song. I even have an entire script written out for almost every part of the song. I was so proud of my ideas and excited to make the video. but I couldn't get what I needed because no one I was friends with are creative minds who understand or share my passion for creating. we aren't friends anymore, but I never found any better replacements.
I have to throw away so many ideas because people won't help me and i cant physically do them alone. making short films/mvs especially. it's been a lifelong passion I never got to do (unless you count my gta rp videos. but I can't do those anymore because gta rp is kinda toxic and the people are hard to work with. but that's the closest i've gotten) it's extremely upsetting. I don't know how people get whole teams for stuff. and I don't mean rich people that can hire anyone. I mean those people that can get a group of friends who share the same creativity and passion and do cool stuff together. they are so lucky.
I don't remember any of the ideas I had now even reading what I noted down. so I don't think I could make this video now. all my ideas fade away and never get made. that's so sad. now i'm having the same issue with making a firefly video with if I can stop one heart from breaking. I write a script (and even drew panel sketches) but I can't get even one person to help me shoot it. I can't move the camera and be in the shot at the same time. so I haven't listened to the song in a while since it makes me sad to think about the dying ideas. ugh. why is this how my life always goes?
sorry for the rant. lee is very sad and frustrated 😞
#like youtube channels that put out short films and its a whole team of people that work on them and theyre all friends not hired actors#or any group that does creative stuff together as friends and coworkers. a perfect example is drawfee on youtube. i want what they have#but im not someone people see and are excited to befriend or create with. AND IT MAKES ME SO SAD I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN IT 😭#i had ONE friend that wanted to get into short film making and stuff and i got super excited and said we should do it togther because#its a thing ive wanted to do forever and she accused me of trying to steal her spotlight and stuff and refused to work with me#thats not how friendships should work 😭 i hope she never got anyone else to ever work with her and has to suffer alone like me#lee text#if i cant do irl videos then id at least like to do things like tell stories through gta/red dead servers and record and make videos#but i cant even get people to do THAT. why do i suck at meeting creative people and suck at getting people to do things with me 😭#lee rants#HOW DO I MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME AND WANT TO DO COOL STUFF WITH ME?! other people make it look so easy#while ive been begging and trying to bribe people for years. even offering money for simple things but im so unlikable nothing works
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