#im... not supposed to be feeling. this. its a distraction
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NEED to see irouma making out sloppy style
(Check tags btw i went on a tangent)
#irouma#love them being besties and whateva but thats already established#like yh theyre friends they worked together in secret and they both felt shit at the act of killing the other and had the other around#on the regs#like yeh thts awesome#but also#kokichi grabbing her hair while biting the nape of her neck hehe#arguments turning into kissing and hand everywhere and soft moans#them starting it for fun to satisfy their 'needs' but ahh shit i actually like this fucker and dont want to hurt em or be without them oh no#them being softt#i LOVE thought and fic pieces of them being so loud n brash n rough in piblic but being so soft with each other i private your heart aches#people are so distracted by the concept of worsties forever that the genuine angst content of irouma isnt fully explored#the soft kisses moving to longer talks about their situation turning to solemn glances away from each other#im... not supposed to be feeling. this. its a distraction#im not... we could di..#we'll get bck to building in the morning#then ouma quietly rolls off her#she doesnt murmur much than a 'night' as he moves away#shes already twinhed by the new lack of warmth#and trying to ignore that that new coldness/emptiness may not just be on the outside#aahhhh oumiu fic piece n concept bits lets goo insomia writing!!!#oumiu#danganronpa#ndrv3#new danganronpa v3
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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the vague sad
#idk whats happening#but i dont feel ok? and its night so im supposed to feel ok#cause night is when everyones asleep and i have no distractions or obligations#but somethings wrong and idk what it is#i dont take up enough space#i cant help anyone#no one will ever love me in the way that i love everyone#because im a lazy lying piece of shit#my utterly fascinating life#i cant do another week#i really cant#i will have to but im gonna feel hallucinate myself into sick all of monday cause thats been happening for the last few weeks#whatever we have a long weekend in a couple weeks#and like. i know my crush was never gonna love me cause i already kinda knew she was straight#but god. to have it confirmed#and the rest of the gay girls my age arent interested in me#no ones ever been interested in me#why the hell would they#im pathetic
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keep getting that pang like. i wanna be happy. wanna know what it feels like to be truly content with life. wanna feel safe and secure and comfortable and warm and. idk. just happy.
#personal spewage#most of the time im distracted enough not to notice it#(the pang i mean)#but when the distraction fades the pang returns#that is how its supposed to be right?#youre supposed to feel content with life?#and not feel that horrible eternal ache deep in your chest#the fear that eventually. inevitably. any good you have is gonna be ripped away from you#hate that fear#anyway#i cant wait to start going to therapy again
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"Hey Fred how was the mystery convention" "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT"
or: Chomps always gets his man
#blah#this is SOOOOOOOO rough but like i know me. if we made it pretty or even like borderline legible it would never get done#anyways sorry if the 80 million filters makes this look weird my camera wasnt picking up the pencil well#and i could rapidly feel myself losing motivation like an incoming crash#and idk where my good pens are#ANYWAYS this was supposed to be funny and about how i love chomps but i got distracted drawing the gang all cute and sleepy on the couch#so now im just thinking about them (awwwwwwwwwwwwww)#scooby doo#swishy's scooby sketches#swishy's scooby comics#fred jones#also its very important to me that you know that velma goes and talks to fred and brings him a cup of water and they lie down on the couch#together with everyone#and then of course the next morning fred also wakes up sick#but they take care of him and spend the next 3 days watching movies#(a fair amount of vincents horror films included)#velma dinkley#not gonna tag the rest bc they dont talk
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i think im so nervous about finishing my contract because i wont know what to do with myself afterwards. like, sure theyve forgotten about me and nearly abandoned me, and im quite literally being used then thrown away, but after i get my discharge papers im going to be without purpose again and i dont know if i can do it a second time
#i dont want to stay in cause fuuuuuck that#if im gonna be a meat shield for corporate interest i might as well go private sector and get paid out the ass for it#but i know im not wanted in those spaces either simply due to being support crew rather than sf or infantry#forced into being a weapon then being expected to be normal#doesnt help that being transgender on top of that means that Nobody wants me around#im scared that im going to be broken and NHP forever even when ive earned my humanity back#i already feel like i never emotionally matured past high school#cause all ive ever known was being property of religious zealots and property of the government#i think i had a two year gap of being a person but otherwise ive just been trying to survive and it shows#at this point the best i can hope for is to distract myself until i keel over from the abuse ive let my body take#which i guess isnt the absolute worst thing ever#like between working with a carcinogen and spilling jp8 on myself and the malnutrition and heavy metal exposure and multiple deaths lol#theres no way im going to be able to grow old#and its going to be painful and slow the whole way down#a part of me wishes that drone turned me into paste#being the lucky survivor is worse i think#im useless and unwanted and that kinda blows?#trying so hard to cling to life but im tired of surviving. i want to live. but im not allowed to#maybe things will improve once my contract expires and i get to have a real name again#i thought these antidepressants were supposed to make me feel better why arent they working
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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Currently thinking about the last time I met up with my college friends, and we went around the table reintroducing ourselves with names and pronouns, cus it gets like that. And every time it would come around to me, I would deflect and distract instead of answering because I hadn't actually figured it out yet. It's coming up on a year since then, I still have no idea what the answer would be
#Queer gang#it was literally this time last year cus it was the last time i went home for winter break that i saw them all#i panicked and got distracted the first time i was supposed to introduce myself despite the fact theyre the last people who would judge#but were a bunch of very easily distracted fckers so it wasnt even that noticeable that i hadnt answered at first#but then one of them realised id never actually introduced myself and i cant even remember how i changed the topic#but someone would always realise in the middle of someones story so id just redirect the attention to what we were already discussing#to buy myself time to think but i never actually came up with an answer and im stuck on a coach rn so my brain has all this time to think#and im just. its been a year since that incident its been several years since i started to think maybe my gender didnt entirely fit#but every time i try to figure it out like a puzzle like i did with my sexuality the first time i realise i dont really have an answer#its not that i feel that something else would fit better and i cant figure out why it doesnt feel right in the first place#is it because i was raised hyperfeminine despite growing up predominantly around brothers?#is it because tradition gender roles dont fit anyway when yoyre queer because so much of gender is tangled up in sexuality?#is it because im taking too much of a theoretical/whatever approach to it when i know gender is predominantly a social construct?#is it because its just not that deep and i dont care? or do i care and i just havent figured it out yet? idk
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i am the poisoned blood running through my tired veins
#personal#ITS SO MOT FUCKINH FAIR.#since he hates me now i dont care if he sees this and im pretty sure i fucking blocked the reat of them so idontfucking care#i hate all kf them so much and i dont fucking care how bad they hurt. i hurt too#for some INSANE REASON i was the only oke that had to apologize. why did they never apologize .#they know they hurt me. He knkws he hurt me.#when j say this they think im selfish. they can think what they want.#byt jts fucking crazy to act like im the only one tjat did anything wronh#i fucking admitted i was wrong. but it wasnt enough. notjing is ever enough for them!#if He ever tries to text me again im not responding. it was stupid of me to respons.#i wonder what he would say if he knew that i chose ro respond by chance of a coin flip#if it had landed on tails i wouldnt be making this post.#he cares more than i do. i dont have the luxury of caring.#he says “i led him on” but if he wanted skme speicodx kind of love fucking say skmething#i didnt knkw i was supposed to be differenr. if he had said that from the dtart i never would have agreed.#i didnt want to change for him.#he shouldve been different and he shouldve been better#i shouldve been too. but atleast i can admit ghat#what the fuck do you mean when you say you understand why j do what you do and uou get it so deeply#but then you still leave. does rhat mean you understand how much you hurt me that first time#it barely hurts anymore. but i cried four times last nigjt#now i dont feel it and now i dont care. youll never knkw little i can let myself care#ill distract myself until i forget all about you because i csnt let myself feel any of this#i dont care if im not changjng the way you begged me to. thats not an option rigjtnmow#im still fighting to stay alive. i dont know that you understand what thats like#you say you get it. i tjink you just say that#you loved me and i dont like that. i warned you and you dwatted my warning away#how is that all my fault.#how is all of this my fault.#💭
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hmhmm i think im gonna take a tumbly break until october ive decided ☆
#i think my lack of meds is kinda fucking me up and i cant get a refill until assumedly oct when i go to the doc so#yeah#ive been ok w keeping up my schoolwork and Kind of my chores and the like but i feel like im slowly slipping so#it will be good for me to minimize distractions for now#its just two weeks so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#assuming i dont fall off the face of the earth like last time <- has disappeared for over a year#anyways thats it ermmm anyone who has my discord is free to msg me i suppose . . . ? im gonna be logging out of tumblr so ☆#oh and if uu rlly rlly want my discord for some reason its in my rentry lol#that is all !!! goodbye for now o7
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more than a month after my previous kotor update i am happy to announce that i have finally met jolee and had him join me <3
#el plays kotor#yes im still on kashyyyk dont look at me#i was distracted by other games for a sec lmao but sth made me return to kotor yesterday#and now the party is complete!!!#and i have found 3 star maps and the plot is thickening!!!!#i keep wondering. if i hadn't been spoiled abt the pc's true identity would i have pieced it together by now#bc the foreshadowing isn't exactly subtle#or maybe it just feels unsubtle to me precisely because i know what is being foreshadowed....#but like. from the very beginning carth is like hmm its kinda sus that you happened to be on the endar spire#and then all those conversations with bastila that make u go hmmmm what's that supposed to mean#and then... when getting the star map on kashyyyk the hologram says sth abt you matching the required behavioral patterns or whatev#and that the last time it was used was five years ago And you can reply with 'hey revan was in these parts five years ago right'#like!!! yeah!!!! it was me!!!! i was the last user five years ago thats why i match the pattern i am revannnnnnnn#i have to know. did the first kotor players back in 2003 figure it out by this point hngngngnhng#or like any other players after 2003 who played and managed to avoid spoilers#anyway back to jolee. he is so cool but also so squishy on god#apparently some ppl give him a blaster to keep him out of melee but like you cant give a blaster to a jedi..... so uncivilized.......#i set him to use force powers until he runs out of force points#but the moment he runs out of force points and jumps into the fray he goes down. sigh#maybe im doing something wrong again. maybe i should let go of my jedi pride and just give him a blaster#i should also probably use all those energy shields and battle stimulants i have hoarded. i keep forgetting abt them lmao#also!!! @ the mutual who sent me that kotor related ask also more than a month ago i just wanted to let u kno. i have replied to it#i mean if u missed it or if u didnt get a notif or forgot or anything else that's cool !!#i just get all worried that ppl might think i havent answered and that im ignoring them if they dont indicate they've seen the reply gfhgfh#but that's a me issue. i just wanted to make sure u knew 🫶#anyway!! next stop manaan maybe#but first a detour to tatooine to deal with mission's useless deadbeat brother
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♡
#decorated tin♡#did this late last night#its for my coltsfoot peppermint smokes i got at the metaphysical store. theyre supposed to be good for dreams#we'll see i suppose#i need a nice dream tonight#todays been uh#im not feeling good#i havent kept myself as distracted as id like and ive been needy and emotional and shaky#really needy obviously#sorry about that#ill be up for a while tonight#played on the computer and cleaned today mostly#hopefully the night will stay calm#im rambling again#im sorry#heres hoping tomorrow will be better#pavi talking#♡#the flower stickers inside the tin are little sweet peas
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most frustrating part of writing a doctor who oc is that the doctor and the master will both sometimes just fuck off and do their own thing for a hundred years and be unfazed by it because they are functionally immortal. and i can’t stick my oc with them because they’ll just. die. so what, do i just put them in a pen until those guys get back? spruce up their enclosure while they’re waiting to get picked up to go on adventures again?
#yes yes the mortality of a companion against the doctor’s long life is part of the point its part of the tragedy but consider: i want them#to also be there so they can get into shenanigans. and not die of old age before im done letting them do shenanigans#look either i kick even out of the tardis every time these guys go do immortal shit or i find a was to Fix this problem and i dont really#know how to do either of these yet. ill figure it out#i *do* know that they’re not with missy while she’s setting up the cybermen plan over hundreds of years. maybe for brief moments when missy#wants an extra hand or eye candy or something else but mostly even’s stuck at the end feeling nauseous as missy goes about rewriting time to#make cyberzombies. not nauseous because of the cyberzombies. to be clear. they’ve just spent enough time fucking around with tardises and#time wars and the like that they’re a little sensitive to shit getting messed around with. tummyaches :(#id think a lot of companions get this eventually. i think the ponds definitely did. to me anyway. they should.#background tardis time vortex radiation idk how science works. but it gives even tummyaches.#i got distracted i was talking about mortality and how to prevent them dying too soon.#mostly even’s there to run the ‘business’ while missy’s away. they’re very good at being given a Job.#and this job is supposed to fix everything forever once they get the doctor onboard. it doesn’t. but even thinks it will. which is what#matters in the end.#dw oc
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I'm sitting here managing my playlist and queue on one screen, playing super auto pets on another & scrolling tumblr on my phone and I still feel understimulated just counting the minutes until my partner gets home so I can have someone to talk to in a way that doesnt fuck up my setup
#Im also thinking about everyone I would like to be talking to & creative projects I could be working on#I was supposed to be writing poetry last night but I got distracted :((#life is just moving SO fast!!!#-Juice#(the one with adhd allegedly)#I also left the house today!! I'm getting shit doooneee!!#made croutons! & lunch for my partner for the next two days#I feel so aliveee#loving my new computer setup too!! its so functional I can almost even play minecraft with my friends!!#oh yeah thats what I was supposed to be doing rn.... whOOPS#bye tumblrr
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guys. guys can you guess who mu favorite group is. guys. guys i’m normal.
#marlo’s stuff#im insane#im supposed to be doing homework. but i got distracted and redecorated my backpack#its not there but i have a rui keychain as part of that wxs keychain set#its with my house keys i didn’t feel like taking it out#I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING I COULD HAVE ADDED THE 4 WXS STICKERS INSTEAD OF THE PHOTOCARD#its okay. i look how this looks
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me during the 2 weeks i was dying: I WANNA LIVE!!!!!!!! I SWEAR I'LL LEARN TO APPRECIATE LIFE THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!
me now that im better: ok.suicidal again.
#i mean can u blame me#im back to where i was. clueless and stuck.#i should contact my shrooms guy today i think#literally what the fuck am i supposed to do with my life when i hate how the world works so much#its not that i hate humanity or anything. i just dont like how this all works yknow. and my audhd makes me lose motivation for it.#i know im just supposed to suck it up and live for the potential good moments and distractions..but why is that our only option?#i also am very aware that this is just what being 21 is like. and 22. and so on. oh god maybe it never ends.#the thing is i fear death so much that i'd never actually kill myself. i just feel the urge.#im waitinggggg for my eye opening moment where i realize its all gonna be ok and its all worth it to fake it
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