#because im a lazy lying piece of shit

[themoonstonechronicler]

the vague sad

[neetily]

Tone indicators annoy me because people will use /s to mean either serious or sarcastic

internet tone indicators annoy me because im lazy and don't want to do any extra google searches to work out what they mean. if i don't understand what the intent behind someones message is, i'll ask. allow me that, please.

also maybe it's just because i'm autistic, but what even is a half joke? i see /hj used so often and i literally do not understand the reason behind it. what is this half step? what could have been a reasonably understood message now becomes this huge dilemma for me because im trying to work out what the joke is UGHHHH i hate it.

also /pos means piece of shit to me every time i read it. /hyp is intended for hyperbole, but i always assume it means hype. /s has always been sarcastic to me, and "srs" was serious, but you're right, people use /s interchangeably. also, some of them aren't even indicating tone?

like... /l or /ly means lyrics. /c apparently means copypasta. it's all a bit too much for me. too many steps involved. i don't want to be googling every time i have a conversation with someone just to work out their tone, because i thought i knew their tone, but there's an indicator and now im confused because maybe i got it wrong but oh- no, look, i was correct from the beginning and AHHH.

they overwhelm me i think LMAO.

but as i always say, if you're reading this and think that tone indicators help you, then keep using them. im not saying they're bad full stop, i see their usage. but as someone who is supposed to benefit from tone indicators (autistic), im just saying that i HATE them and they make my life WORSE but only PERSONALLY. use them if u like them thank you for reading <3

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Looooong ass vent

TW for: Self hate. Lots of swearing. Use of not nice words. Eating disorders, purging, self harm, suicide, rants, venting, tons of triggers, dissociation, lying, all caps, me whining, me being a bitch, mistreatment, body shaming, hateful stuff, mental illness, all that- like seriously this has more TWs than I can think of. .

I'm a jealous person. I'm sorry, it's true. I'm jealous when other people have art that gets 40, 50, more notes. I get jealous when my friends have better friends than I ever could be. I get jealous of song writers because damnit please I want to make music. I get jealous of others art,voices, bodies. I get so jealous I get mad at nothing over nothing. I get jealous at others art styles, at other success, i get jealous at my own FRIENDS wow I'm awful

I'm selfish. I'm greedy because I can't just- be fucking happy with what i do have. I can't be patient to get better at drawing, better at recording my voice, more freedom. I am never satisfied, I'm a fucking whore for any sort of love and attention and likes and reblogs. You hear me? I'm, a, whore.

And I'm fucking awful because I can't take criticism for shit, I get so fucking unhappy at it and I lie and I say I'm happy to receive it. I lie all the time like this, I'm a dishonest whore, that's worse than a normal whore! I get so bent out of shape!

And I want to make it big in the Tumblr community BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE I NEVER FOCUS ON ONE THING

M so impatient

And when I talk to my friends I-

I forget all that. I calm down, I feel... wanted.

But I'm burdening them. I'm burdening them I'm burdening them I'm I'm fucking selfish and horrible because they give and give and give and I take like a needy selfish greedy whore.

AND I DON'T SHUT UP, I'm sorry I'm sorry I never shut up

...I'm... awful. And... I shouldn't keep posting shit like this, because nobody should have to read my rambling and shit and I'm overreacting and I want to die and

Im useless irl BTW. I've been nothing but a stupid moody bitch the past two weeks, I stay up all night doing nothing and wake up at 5 pm like a useless piece of human shit that should burn in the garbage

I keep forgetting who I am, who is talking too

Im sooooooooo uselessssssssssss

Its fucking because I think my family would be happier if I didn't exist. Because that'd be one less stupid moody bitch that can't do anything and hides in their room all day that they have to deal with

Im lazy I get apathetic I have no motivation to do anything and I don't cry at sad movies like a broken robot and everything about me is wrong

And my father wanted a daughter so fucking badly, but I'm not a girl I'm nothing and he'd be so mad if I ever told him

And BTW I'm literally awful like I've run out of things I'm a jealous whore

M a whore because all tye time I think of stupid sexual stuff and then I feel disgusted I'm disgusting I barely take showers

I'm pathetic btw I never finish anything I start I have so many half assed AUs and drafts and fanfics and art and chores and needs and shit

and I sit in my room all day and play on my phone like a fucking loser. Im also really stupid btw, I don't know half the shit I'm supposed too and I can't spell shit or know history AND I HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEARN BUT IM SUCH A STUPID FUCKING BITCH I NEVER DO ANYTHING

I'm also a hypocrite because I get so snappy and shit with my siblings when they do nothing wrong except be annoying or something but when I feel justified I shouldn't because I'm still a shitty person

I barely reach out to my friends unless they text first, I'm a horrible friend that never listens I'm sorry I'm sorry I never meant to abandon anyone

And I can't take blame or accountability I'm sorry I am shit why do I keep trying to hide behind myself??

Its past 6 am,people are statving and in here venting like a bitch

I never shut up

I Bother people

i sleep in and I'm moody and I demand attention like a whore whose demanding love idfk

I never know anything, I'm rude as hell

Im sorry

and I'm protective over shit nobody cares about, I'm so damn defensive

Im sorry I'm not doing better I'm sorry I'm not improving myself. I'm so mad at myself I have so much anger at myself I direct it at innocent people I'm sorry

I HAVE NO EXCUSES, IM SO FUCKING SELF AWARE OF THIS BUT I KEEP DOING IT KM SO DAMN FHCKONG DUM IM LUTERALLY COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS OF SELF HSTE

Its justified BTW, i deserve hate

I feel like I'm lying abt being a system and artistic and depressed and anxiety like what I'd I just suddenly decided I had them?? I swear I promise I'm not faking I'm not I don't want to lie I want to be good I never meant to hurt anyone BUT I FEEL LIKE IM A FAKING BITCH

I binge food and throw it up, I hide food like a greedy pig just to purge I take others food because I'm so gluttonous and I LIE about it

and I vent and vent and vent and... and I still hate myself

I'm so fucking manipulative because anytime I talk I CSNT STOP IMSGING HOW THE CONVERSATION WILL GO, I CANT STOP TRYONG TO FUCKING GET MY WAY IRL, AHHGHGBTIDDHDH I ALEATS ACT LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN I DONT and I purposefully annoy my siblings so they leave thr kitchen so I can binge like a fat pig, I'm a hypocrite too in every aspect. I'm toxic ok im awful

I s/h and then i forget about it so its not even a problem but I whine like it is and I want to do it so badly rn I wanna go deep

AND I RUINED MYSELF WITH UGLY SCATS they're so ugly like me inside and out

And I wanna cry and

and I'm so awful because like I get so... idk, I am. I've done shifty things, I'm a shit person. I act sweet than a condescending little bitch

and sometimes the smallest things set me off

Im jealous of everyone else

Hell I'm fucking jealous of people I've never met, I want so much so badly I'm so greedy and lustful for it and selfish

In... conclusion? The world, would, be, better, without, me

I'm useless, lazy, stupid, jealous, slutty, angry, sad, pitiful, pathetic, fat looking, no good child, moody, stereotypical, ugly, hateful, chatter box, greedy, selfish. Gluttonous, messy, dirty. I'm all the bad stuff

Dont lie, these are facts. I have so much awful in me, the world wpuld be better off without me

[sabakos]

.

Quite frankly I think the madness means I should be allowed to say "retarded" even if it *is* true that my IQ was over 180 when they tested it in middle school. Apparently my mother won the fight with my father about not telling me that information, which is a good thing because I did not need *that* piece of information on top of all the other nonsense I had going on. Not like I can even brag about that anyway, who would believe me? I don't even quite believe it myself, it's more likely my dad has early onset dementia or is lying to me or trying to flatter me for some unknown reason. Great thing to bring up casually over lunch, like oh hows the brisket sandwich btw you are literally smarter than god.

If it really is true I kinda wish nobody else growing up had access to that information either though? The personal half-hour long moral lecture from the middle school principal about how I needed to "stop being so lazy" because of how incredibly smart I was when I started not doing well in my classes does make a lot more sense in retrospect, but since none of these people in my life who apparently cared so much about how much of a "genius" i was provided any material help I think it would have been better if i had been left alone.

But also fuck all the other IQ-obsessed people even more honestly. fuck your stupid "you scored really well on pattern matching and word puzzles and shit so you need to contribute more to society and solve all the greatest problems" mindset. i dont owe you shit, if it really is true that any of this shit makes me so much better (which I doubt, honestly...) then I stand by my teenage attitude that being smart meant I deserved to work less hard to fulfill the same expectations as everyone else and that the excess slack belonged to me. go find a "gifted and talented program" bootlicker with perfect handwriting to sort your fucking spreadsheets; im going to do the bare minimum that still lets me have a cheese budget.

and on top of it all turns out I'm literally fucking psychotic anyway so up yours, society. if I worked my ass off in my 20s to change the world before my brain exploded maybe they would have blamed it all on that, but for my part I'm glad I got to indulge in all the "leisure" that I did, and with any luck I've got 50-70 more years of this to not "make anything of myself." maybe i'll be lucky enough to land a boring programmer job where the stress doesnt poison my brain and I can slack off a bit without anyone noticing when the emails start sounding poetic. but fuck your stupid cult of the genius im not going to save the world or cure cancer, if all goes well then excepting maybe some alternative lifestyle bullshit im going to live as a fucking normie and keep to myself. boil the goddamn world for all i care.

[face2facewithabsinthe]

Casual conversation

Cut me piece of that pack would you?

Cuz a fag would really do me some good right now.

Remind me again, what exactly is it that you do?

Accountancy? Marketing? Some corporate job?

Right right thats it. Hows that working out for you?

Really? I didn’t take you for the kind.

No no I mean, I just never really imagined you quitting your job, or anything else for that matter. 

Always known you to be the kinda guy to see it through you know?

But yeah…. good for you!

So….. whats next?

Mhm yeah…. nothing planned huh?

Well Ill be damned, YOU?

Seriously, YOU? 

Without a PLAN?

That job really fucked you up good huh?

What about your wife and kids though, you gotta feed em somehow dont you?

Oh ma, Im sorry dude.

How long has she been …. you know……

That’s real tough man.

I wish I could say that I know what youre going through but I really dont.

When did you find out?

Ohh shit is this the reason why you rang me like 6 times that day ?

Man, Im sorry dude there was a work function and I was hammered and you know it being 3am I was sleeping. Once again Im so sorry—

I probably should have called you after but I kinda just forgot…..

Yeah yeah so no hard feelings? 

Alright man .

Well I hope the kids are okay at least.

Hey……. remember when we used to play football in the back of the school? The old pitch was locked up and you’d always find some way to get in? Wire cutters, climbing the fence, using rocks to try to break the lock….. You always found a way.

Didnt we also blame you everytime we got caught? Hahaha.

You were always the hardy one. No matter how fierce the teachers were to you, you never once flinched!

……

…….

….

You gotta go already? So soon? 

Ill guess ill catch you later then,

call me if you need to talk alright?

What? What do you mean?

What do you mean you can’t? Something happened to your phone?

Look, I know I messed up the last time but like I said, I was fast asleep man like what do you want me to do?

Okay now you’re just being unreasonable, 

Im not a bad person just because I didnt pick up your calls that day. 

Mind you, it was you who rang me up at the witches hour.

No, I know that I shouldve been there for you,

but was it really all my fault? You cant put this all on me.

You keep saying that youre already gone what does that even mean?

What does that mean?

Youre already gone?

Already gone?

Gone.

You are gone.

It means that you are already gone.

There was no work function.

You did not call me at 3am.

My phone rang at 12,

I was awake,

lying on bed,

about to sleep.

I saw your name but was too lazy to pick it up.

I thought you’d call me again the following day.

The call never came.

The next time I saw your name, was on the funeral card.

The one who brought down the guillotine, was me.

I should have picked up.

I should have been there.

I messed up.

You left so soon.

But I didnt know.

“He never quits”

“He has his wife and kids he wouldnt do anything silly”

“He has a plan for everything he’s probably fine.”

I was wrong.

And so the sun arose and awoke the streets.

Reality repeats, without him.

People still smile and children still play.

But not me, and not him.

As I stare at the bustle and life of the city,

I realise,

That though there may be billions of souls visiting this very plane.

You never quite know, how much a single soul can mean to another.

You never really know,

how important you may be,

to another.

Sometimes, I forget that I could have done something.

Sometimes, I forget that despite it all, it was his choice.

Sometimes, I forget, that I smoke…..alone.

[flamingo--ing]

honestly its worse that im lying here and again, i know i should be getting up and taking a shower and loading the dishwasher and then go outside and ill stop wanting to kill myself, but i cannot get my piece of shit lazy ass up. i know im only fatigued and in pain because i dont do fuck all and hate myself. so get. up. you piece of shit. you absolute horrible fucking person

[heymrstargazer]

im here to put in my two cents, and, frankly, im not here to be nice about it

i will be honest, ive avoided writing this for a while because im absolutely pissed about it. ive been alive plenty long enough to know people are pieces of shit sometimes, but this is too much. 

all for the game, being a mostly lgbtq+ fandom, has become beyond disappointing as of late. not because of the books themselves, or sudden realizations we’ve made regarding the series’ morals, but because of the pure amount of entitled shitty people who have come to find it. im not stupid; i know this is a book series, not real life. but, the issue is more than words on paper. 

a lot of my mutuals have said beautiful, genius things on the matter. im not as eloquent as them, or even as dedicated, but i will say it matters a whole damn lot to me. 

neil josten is demisexual. demisexual. how many of you didnt even know what that term was? how many people still have no clue was asexual is? how many people, even after hearing that neil is demisexual, were too fucking lazy to look it up? 

as an aro-ace person, i knew exactly what that was. and i was fucking ecstatic. not once before that had i ever seen any type ace representation, much less the main character of a book series i love. yes, i picked up the signs, and yes, the thought crossed my mind more than once. but to have it actually confirmed??? HOLY SHIT. do you know how exciting that is???

AND THEN i come to the fandom to see so many other people on the ace spectrum?????? it was like giving a child a lifetime supply of candy bars.

but, outside of this safe little space, you see people saying bullshit like “i think he’s better as gay. him being demi just doesnt sit right with me.” you know what doesn’t sit right with me? the fact that its those same people saying “im queer and i support others who are, too” but the second a sexuality doesnt fit into the range of an already-conceived fetish, they completely ignore and/or invalidate it. that is not supporting other queer people. that is being an absolute piece of shit person who cannot see past things they already understand. 

oh, not to fucking mention there are already two other gay men in the books. why cant you write their characters, hm? you have the time and effort to rewrite the main characters’ entire identity, feminizing him to an sickly unrecognizable point, but you cant write one chapter where andrew minyard wears a skirt? what kind of acephobic, homophobic bullshit is that???

im so done with people saying they support the others in this fandom, but then refuse to recognize the one, singular sliver of representation we have. if you cant put yourself out of an overused stereotype and actually encourage a relationship that isn’t perfectly molded to your standards, then i think you’re lying. you aren’t supporting jack shit, and you certainly aren’t supporting essential representation.

neil josten is demisexual, and that is an actual, unarguable fact. so stop making a fucking fool of yourself trying to say he isn’t. it’s pathetic. 

[electricsockhead]

💓 jenelope headcanons 💓

side notes:

1 -> it’s established relationship cuz idk how to write f-t-l with them 😖😖😖

2 -> this is set in like seasons 1 & 2, so there’s no kids and jj is still media liaison

3 -> please come talk to me about them!! idc if you’re seeing this posts 6 months after I posted it or 12 years (if I’m still active) PLEASE COME TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM 🥺🥺🥺

4 -> Trigger Warnings:

brief mentions of SA! (talking about their job)

possible displays neurodivergent traits! (if you’re neurotypical, this trigger is not for you, it’s for those in ND community who get triggered by stimming and mentions of breakdowns. also, the only reason “possible” is added is because I’m not neurodivergent (nor a doctor) so I have no personal experience with with these, and I don’t know if they’re considered neurodivergent traits. if you’re neurodivergent im 100% willing to listen to your opinions and thoughts on this!!!)

jj loves falling asleep over penelope, and loves holding one of her hands and just fiddling with her fingers (interlacing them, kissing her knuckles, etc)

Penelope always played with jjs hair when they do that, and she loves trying to make a braid with just one hand. sometimes she tangles jjs hair a little and they laugh 🥰🥰

when JJ is having a bad day she sits cross-legged on one of Penelope’s desks and just fiddles with Penelope’s toys

occasionally throughout the day penelope will go over and just hold her waist and rest her head on one of JJ’s thighs and JJs hand automatically goes to her head and starts fiddling with her hair

On days where she can’t stay in Penelope’s office she takes one of the toys with her and is fiddling with it all days and doesn’t let go for too long

On those days when they get home they cuddle and sometimes if it was really bad jj will break down and cry into Penelope’s shoulder and Penelope just comforts her through it 🥺🥺🥺

sometimes she also gets really touch averted so they’ll just sit next to each other while jj sobs into her hands, and Penelope just sits with her so she doesn’t feel alone 🥺🥺

On game nights they always have so much fun and they rarely bicker over the color/object of the players because penny will always go for the smallest or pink one and jj will always go for the one with more texture or blue one (ex. on the life game, penny gets the pink car and jj gets the blue one, or monopoly, jj gets the Statue of Liberty because it has a lot of bumps and she runs her fingers through them all the time because it calms her down and helps her feel grounded, and penny gets the hat because it’s small and sometimes she likes to just run her fingers through the “hem” — they rarely ever leave their pieces on the board which causes them to forget where they were but it’s ok cuz they always have fun 🥰🥰)

On their days off, they like to go on picnics and jj takes care of the setting while Penelope takes care of the snacks

jj always picks somewhere with a body of water, usually a river but they live nearby a lake and sometimes they go there as well

she absolutely loves seeing the water just move on the river or just stare at the cute ducks on the lake

Penny always has cookies and extra money in her bag cuz she knows jjs gonna want to get ice cream

at dinner time, usually penny cooks, but jjs always with her, sitting on the counter and trying to help out (even tho penny said not to worry, and that she likes to do it by herself, and also to give jj a break from always working), and when she has nothing to do (or nothing in her hands to fiddle with) she’ll set the table extra nice with candles and wine

jj loves when they’re too lazy or too tired to cook anything so she just makes ham and cheese sandwiches for them and they sit on the couch and watch TV.

Penny loves putting on romantic dramas or romantic comedies while jj likes putting on western/action movies (it gives closure she never got as a kid 🥺💔)

One thing they can’t watch is horror because then the next day they can’t really do their job right because they just keep going back to the movie that depicts what they only see the aftermath of (like yeah they see the dead body and they’re informed of sa, but if a movie is graphic enough that it’ll depict it, then the next time they hear a victim was SAed they’ll be able to picture it and it just makes the job a lot harder to do 🥺💔)

On a lighter note, they have movie nights every Saturday and a lot of times they settle for Disney movies, and they’ve watched lady and the tramp so much that they know a lot of the dialogue

They also sometimes like to put it on mute and make up their own dialogue, and they always have so much fun with it

They have this little plush toy they keep in between them, so when one has a nightmare they can cuddle it while also cuddling each other (like if jj has a nightmare, she’ll get cuddles from penny, with the plushy in her own arms)

every morning they wake up half an hour earlier then they’re supposed to so that they can be lazy in bed and steal sleepy kisses and still get up in time and not be late for work

they never tried to hide their relationship from the team, but they weren’t necessarily public about it.

Hotch was the first to know, and he’s like “there’s fraternization rules against it, so no one on this team should be in a relationship” but then pulls them aside and he’s like, I don’t know nothing, I ain’t see nothing, but if hypocritically there was something, I’d be happy with it, BUT I DONT KNOW NOTHING (aka, he supports their relationship, but doesn’t want them to get in trouble 🥺🥰)

the next to find out is Morgan and he’s * o f f e n d e d * that his bbg never told him and she was like “you never asked 🤷” and he’s like “yeah, fair point” (obv. he also supports it)

When Elle finds out she’s like “hot.” And they both blush, but she’s supportive and it hurts them more then anyone else when she leaves because she’s the only other queer woman they’re close with, but then when Emily joins, she can smell the gays a mile away and it brings them a bit of comfort

When Spencer find out he’s also * o f f e n d e d * they didn’t tell him, but he gets super excited and buys them a bunch a Pride stuff for them because he knows they might not use it so he gets an excuse to have gay shit lying around his house (🚪🚪🚪)

Gideon never really payed attention to their “friendship” but when hotch offhandedly mentions it he acts like he already knew, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it (let’s be honest this man is an ally ☺️☺️)

as time progresses, they become more and more open about it, and occasionally will display copious amounts of PDA, and the team finds it absolutely adorable because they’re so happy for them 🥰🥰

the end ☺️✨

if y’all don’t mind, I’m tagging @geeky-son-dr-reid and @gleaminginthespotlight 🥺 ilysm

[friedesgreatscythe]

im too lazy to tag things anymore

i still have all those fancy tags saved, it’s just a matter of logging in to my xkit account BUT i forgot the password AND xkit rewritten is so much faster so whoopsie

that would bother past me so, so much. not just because i like those tags (and i do), but because the lack of organization would make me panic. now i’m just not bothered. this blog’s a place to shove things that i think are nice as i find them. lately there are not many things that are findable on here; twitter’s more the place where i see such things. but that’s ok. i’m glad i don’t lurk on here as often as i used to. this place is really unhealthy if you’re in any way active in communities. i’d rather run this blog and my akeshu sideblog on the outer limits of it all and just chill elsewhere.

still super deep into final fantasy xiv, as expected. i made a me!wol on diabolos. my original wol on jenova is taking a hiatus. endwalker really took all the heart and soul out of her. and my akechi!wol on zalera is chillin in sharlayan, because where else would he like to be? my me!wol is doing everything i can think to do on a single character, though of course this means farming for that hades mount likely another 50+ times as i did on eva, but hey, the FC i’m in is full of nice people who do weekly mount farming, map running, and the like. and they’re always down to farm things at random, so. that’s good. they’re having a costume contest this weekend and i’ve got mine all picked out, so i hope i win. i think it’s some mounts and stuff from mogstation, so that’d be a treat.

i’m still writing, of course. always. still in therapy, and it’s helping. a lot. my homework this week is to “uno reverse” my way of thinking when it comes to doing things out of spite. i can still do them to spite a thing (usually my mom), but just reverse the focus. for example: he asked me what my future goal is for writing, and i said that i’d love to get published just so i can SHOW my family, mainly my mom, that LOOK all those days and weeks and years of me trying PAID OFF and i WASN’T being lazy or doing nothing--

and he asked me, “what if she doesn’t give you the reaction you want?”

and i said, “well then fuck her, i’ll know i succeeded and that’s what matters.”

and he gestured strongly and said, “yes! so make THAT the focus!”

so, to reverse the focus is to make writing my goal BECAUSE i want to succeed and my desire TO do that is all that fucking matters.

it sounds so small and simple, but i don’t know if i can truly express enough just how impossible it is to operate around the voice of judgment in my head. it’s there about anything, everything. imagine if you had someone looking over your shoulder, their lips to your ear, telling you that any choice you made was wrong. you want to take a break? you’re lazy. you want to work on something? it’s not good enough. you want to read a book or play a game for inspiration? you’re lying; you’re just going to steal their ideas, or you just want an excuse to waste time.

you want to stop eating meat? that’s because you think you’re fat. you think you’re fat? well that’s your own fucking fault. you can’t ride your bike or go for walks like you used to because the heat makes your joints swell up? that’s an excuse. your body is a piece of shit. you think your body is a piece of shit? stop feeling sorry for yourself. you feel sorry for yourself? pathetic.

so it goes, on and on and fucking on.

but i’m getting on with it. therapy helps.

anyway, the current project right now is a sondham fic because YES i watched game grumps’ playthrough of dr2 and YES i fully support and share danny sexbang’s love for gundham and sonia and YES i am absolutely writing a fic for them because he made a passing, somewhat tentative mention of looking up things for them once the game is done and NO the fic is nowhere near as simple as i thought it to be originally because YES i am a creature of habit and even if he never reads it i WON’T care because i filled up my entire glittery pink unicorn notebook with this story and i really love it, and that’s all that matters to me

and, knowing me, i’ll just pull the thing in a few months so i can make it an original piece, like i’m doing with krakrgaldr.

i have PLANS and i am slowly learning how to stop fearing the idea of having goals or believing in my ambitions and it’s making a difference

[alexwhitton]

Hardest thing in life to do is let go of someone we love there nothing harder then that to be honest, but you got remind yourself if you truely love someone you want them to be happy and you be in pain for awhile, I say to anyone going thought the same pain leave nothing unsaid speak your truth I told my ex that my feeling for her where forever true and that I loved her to pieces and I’m sorry for all my mistakes as the regret of losing her was eating away at me at night, when I thought before she would be here after work but that isn’t the world I live in anymore , I guess I hope everything comes across not crazy as sometime it can be seen as that but more of just being true to myself and them so that I know I’m a good person for not lying or leaving nothing unsaid, I was listening to a talk the other day if you don’t speak your truth then life will come for you some point not now but later and something with set it off and I been reading so much after work I was like I need to say what I need to say so I know it been said I can’t lie to myself be like oh were ok if they never know how much I still love them and miss them it’s like why would I put myself thought hell if I can just take a moment and release what been eating away at me for ages then I can work though it , just remember too that if you left nothing unsaid then you can move forwards as you have nothing to look back on but the knowledge knowing you left in peace and you let them know that you loved them to pieces. Im hoping after everything I said I can tell my soul free itself from the past and realise I’m not that person anymore I’ve bettered myself and my life by gaining a career and working none stop to make a future and to work everything towards my future as it been hard losing someone I loved and was my soul mate to me, I’ve been so busy with work that I forget I’m still getting over a lose. Im hope one day the feeling of the lose will get off my chest and let me rest, I keep forgetting I got to ask myself how am I feeling after work as I’ve been getting so much on track and crazy busy days for me one of knees have been going lately but I’ve been like I need to reach this goal I keep going,

It’s really odd because some days I’m like oh I’m reaching this goal and this and my life is going well and then other on a night I break down because of losing someone I held dear honestly I hope maybe all this being done will help me deal with it all knowing now I’ve done everything, first time for me if I’m honest with myself that I thought I was going to marry her and see her everyday after work that how much she was in my heart she used to give me shit for being sloppy , I hope one day someone see me for my worth now I’m not that Alex anymore lazy and uniformed, I’ve grown up

[putridobject]

im only human, it's okay for me to take it one step at a time

you're a lazy piece of shit and you have no purpose

i have people who care about me they're lying

i need to prioritise my own wellbeing and slit your fucking wrists, cut deeper and deeper because that's all you're good for

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck why won't the thoughts stop why won't she get out of my fucking head ive had enough i can't fucking take this anymore fuck jfjck fuck fucked jfjck fuck fuckfufc fuck f ukc

[queenmendes]

things are changing | extra

shawn x reader x connor

a/n: so I know I said this is the last part but I lied! There are proabably 2 more after this. This was a short filler that just happened so please let me know what you think and who she picks! xxx

big big big thank you to @local-neighborhood-biderman for helping me so much!

____

You’d be lying if you said you haven’t been wallowing in self pity since you arrived back in Toronto. Shawn and Connor have not left your mind; along with the last moment you saw them. The anger and then regret that flashed through their eyes broke your heart. It felt like you caused all of this drama because you couldn’t choose between one boy. 

Your life became one of those romantic dramas you constantly make fun of. Of course, your pity party wasn’t getting this situation out of your mind. Memories from tour played through your head like a movie.  

Tomorrow is the first show in America. Currently, the whole team and band was explore the city of Portland. Everyone completely jittery and ready for the show to come. Tour has already been amazing. 

“Oh, let’s go in here.” You grabbed his hand and lead him into the little shop. It was small but cozy and cute. It seemed to be a jewelry shop based on the displays up front but the further you walk, the more options you see. In the back, was an older lady sitting behind a large table with different colored beads and lose, empty bands. 

“Would you like to make your own bracelets?” The lady asked, gesturing to the empty bands. You quickly nodded before picking up two of the bands and handing him one. 

“You make mine and I’ll make yours?” You suggest, smiling widely. He knew he couldn’t say no. Not to that smile. You quickly got to work, picking out the beads you wanted. Deciding to go with a more manly vibe; you picked up black, blue and some green beads. Placing them in an easy pattern on the band, you stop and grab a small white bead that had Y/F/I on it. Then you take two beads that made up your initials, sliding them onto the band along with a bead that was your favorite color. Placing it in the middle of the other beads, you quickly finish up. 

“Here.” He said, grabbing your wrist and tying your new bracelet on. You smile as you see that he put his initials on the bracelet; just like you did. 

“I love it.” You say after tying his bracelet onto his wrist. The two of you shared a big smile, before paying the lady. He quickly but gently tugs you out of the little shop, and down the streets of Portland. The two of you carefree while you had the chance. 

You’re eyes never left the bracelet that was still tied around your wrist as you replayed that memory. You haven’t taken it off since he put it on. To you, it symbolized the connection shared between the two of you. 

Denver. You were almost positive that is the city you are currently in. After travelling endlessly, it’s hard to be completely sure on where you are at. Needless to say, the show was amazing as always. The crowd was breathtaking and gave off a great vibe. Now, everyone was on their assigned bus as the journey to the next city was about to start. 

You already showered and refreshed yourself. Now, everyone was lounging around the bus, relaxing. Soon, he came and joined you; away from everyone. The smell of this fresh shampoo hit your nose and made you smile at the familiar scent.

“Whatcha doing?” he asked, his face awfully close to yours. You motioned to your headphones. 

“Jamming.” You smile before offering him one of the buds. He immediately recognized the familiar, smooth voice of Hozier’s Almost (Sweet Music). He sighed as he leaned back, resting one hand across his stomach and the other on your leg, tapping to the beat. 

I've got some colour back, she thinks so, too

I laugh like me again, she laughs like you

He watched in awe as you softly sang along to the words. Your voice wasn’t perfect but the look of complete and utter content on your face made everything seem perfect in this moment. 

I wouldn't know where to start  

He doesn’t know where to start with you. He could write a whole book about just your laugh. The things you did to him without even realizing. Like right now. You had no idea the effect you had on him. The way he smiled without realizing it, just by seeing yours. Or how at the sight of you, his heart jumps out of his chest. Your laugh makes him laugh. How you are goofy to put him back into a good mood when he is feeling homesick. You had no idea that your soft singing was going to be the moment he realizes how strong his feelings for you are. 

“What?” You stopped singing as you noticed him staring you; not moving, not even blinking. You sat up straight and wipe your face. “Do I have something on my face?” You asked. He quickly shook his head; his slightly damp hair flying around. 

“No. No. You’re perfect.” He whispered and you almost didn’t hear him. He smiled as you looked down, bashfully, but the smile on your lips could be seen by anyone. 

Hozier’s voice filled your apartment as you tidy up a bit. It was time for you to stop sitting around all day. But no matter what you did, something brought up another memory of him. The bracelet, to your Spotify playlist, to your favorite TV show. All of your favorite things were connected with him. 

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” He grumbled as the two of you huddled on his bed in the hotel you were staying in for the night. A lot of the band and crew went out to explore but the two of you were feeling lazy and decided to stay in and have a marathon. 

“You chose the last TV show. It’s my turn.” You said as you scrolled on your laptop, looking for the series. You glanced at him from the side of your eyes and had to suppress your smile as you saw him cuddling into your blanket. “Okay, shall we begin?” You retorchically ask because he really did not have a choice. 

“So, who’s is that guy again?” “What the fuck. The siblings are lovers? What is this shit?” “Awe its a puppy.” “Why do you like this show again?” Those were a few comments he made in the first half of the episode of Game of Thrones. As annoying as he was getting, his commentary was hilarious. 

“Just hush up and watch it. I promise you will like it once the show gets going.” You said, as your head tilted up from its position on his chest. You weren’t sure when or how the two of you ended up in this position but you weren't complaining. He was warm and a great snuggle buddy. 

He wouldn’t admit it but you were right. Once he shut up and watched the show, he got really into it. So much that he watched the first 5 episodes in one sitting. 

“Alright, so it’s pretty good-” He stopped talking once he noticed you were fast asleep. You’re cheek was pressed up against his chest and your arm was wrapped around his waist; a light death grip on it. But he wasn’t complaining. You looked adorable with your mouth slightly parted and little, soft snores coming out. It made it even better that you were wearing on of his hoodies. This easily became his favorite moment between the two of you. Which is why he decided to snap a quick picture of you on his chest before shifting slightly and falling asleep next to you. He swears it was the best sleep he’s had all tour. 

Your hands softly traced over the hoodie you found in your suitcase. It seemed like a good idea to finally unpack the bag that has been sitting by the door for the past week and a half. You didn’t even realize that you took this piece of clothing with you. The all too familiar cologne hit your nose as you held the navy blue hoodie up to your chest. It didn’t hit you how much you missed him until you realized his comforting smell was almost gone from this hoodie. It made you more eager to slip it over you head and cuddle into it; wishing it was his arms instead. But you’d have to settle for the oversized hoodie. 

For now.

_________

Tag List (UNBOLD WOULD NOT LET ME TAG)

 @turtoix @physicshawn @im-a-stranger-thing @shawn-youth @dreamersseeincolor @spn-marvel-nerd @someinsanefangirl @tinycertain @unsolvedhearts @ykicantbefoundwithyou @marissje @mae-petite-etoile @michellemxndes @curlyfan @haileyofthefandoms @whoopcalpal @chaotic-ness @arypesanchez @shawnmendes048 @sweetheartmendes @justinshawntom @carolineclds @ludiclove @kamustyles @loveylangdon @redrebecca @weliove @maximumcoffeesublime @introvertedrhi @peruvian-bae @iamanerdnot @lovablefangirl @foreveralone19588 @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @ly--canthrope @night-girls-world @we--f0und--w0nderland @rodneywaber @xtmd5 @enchantingbrowneyedgirl @alphabeteeee @shawnandconnor @zigzagsandzebras @danidomm @mariamuses @feliciaceciliamariajacobsson @shessoparticular99 @pitreshawn @char-m-e @riverdalexvixens @bloodorangemoonlight @the-diabolic @xxamzxx @lilya-petrichor @royalexperiment256 @aspiring-fangirls-world @curlyshawnie @tempsta @sleepybesson @sunrisebrashx @calum-booo

[creative-cha0s]

Jess’ Masterlist of Prodigal Son (Mostly Brightwell) Inspo with Songs & Lyrics

HI tend to think of almost everything in connection to songs and lyrics and recently Ive got a bunch of lyrics rolling around in my head that are perfect for inspiration for Prodigal Son fics, fan art, gif sets, ect - but mostly fics (and mosty Brightwell).

Ill do my best to categorize by relationship/ character and possibly plot - and hopefully to keep this updated.

Like my music? want to listen to it too? All of these songs are in my playlist that I leave on repeat: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3pvktqRQXSUivcXpOWZGCX

Brightwell

Piece of Your Heart - Mayday Parade

This song is perfect for the both of them no matter who it’s coming from, but I always see the 1st verse (1st bullet) coming from Dani

Give me your misery All of it give it to me I can hold onto it for you It's not a problem I just want your energy A piece of that fractured mountain I'll take whatever comes with it as long as it's yours

All I know is that I want it more than yesterday If I was waiting, I was waiting for just one little spark You are the brightest I've seen You are the best side of me And just for when we're apart I've got a piece of your heart

But I want the whole damn thing 

Where You Are - Mayday Parade

The song as a whole is not fitting, its about someone dying. But there are a few lines that can be used.

You to me, are encased in nothing But beauty and gracious love You'll always be my one good reason To keep on moving 'til I'm in your arms

My favorite place is wherever you are 

Sleeping In - All Time Low

This song is PERFECT for well establish Brightwell - fluffy, lazy days, just ignoring the world and staying in together. Just go listen to the whole song.

Never wanna leave this bed Tell me that you got nowhere to be Can we stay all day? (All day) Lay low in our lazy luxury Sex in a rosé daze (daze) All day, it's a real good thing

Just like that There you go, making it hard to stay on track Got shit to do, you got work But we fall right back Into bed, like it's all just a game And we can't help that, no we can't help that 

Favorite Place - All Time Low

Another one that’s perfect for Brightwell, mostly coming from Bright (bolded parts), this song is currently always stuck in my head. Go listen to it!

So can we close the space between us now It's the distance we don't need (hey) Yeah, you're everything I love about The things I hate in me (hey) So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place

And I know you don't belong (know you don't belong) Know you don't belong to anyone No you can't be tamed love Maybe I was wrong (maybe I was wrong) Maybe I was wrong for this But you feel like the perfect escape now 

Kids Again - Artist Vs Poet

Can be any phase of Brightwell I think - mostly focusing on the verses, ignoring the ‘just like we were kids’ reference in the chorus, because they didn’t grow up together. Another one to go listen to the whole song.

I know a girl who likes to drink her coffee black Cause sugar, no, she don't got time for that Leaves her desires at the welcome mat when she walks in

Yeah, I know a boy who likes to keep his burner on He's always running with no one to keep warm It's like he's flirting with the smoke alarm, his fire's fading

But still we laugh, we cry, we fall, we get high

And when I, I'm feeling small you get me through it all

I know a girl who's never tried to settle down She wears her loneliness like a crown But when she smiles all the kings will bow down, down, down

And I know a boy who's broken every vow he's made Who's spoken every capped phrase But he can listen like a rainy day and drown it out 

Clumsy - All Time Low

Perfect for when Bright acts like Bright, especially in reference to him backing away from Dani and ending up with Eve. And anything else he does that breaks Danis trust and makes her say things like ‘you promised to do better’ and ‘you told me i was the one you liked talking to’ LISTEN TO THIS ONE ITS SO GOOD

I was bound to make a mess of things Mixin' fireworks and gasoline Never meant to make you fall with me

I let you down I've been clumsy with your heart again I guess you figured me out Now here's a taste of my own medicine

And for all this pain, that I can't explain There's a black flag wavin' tonight You know I let you down (let you down) I've been clumsy with your heart again 

Satellite - Mayday Parade

Cant really explain how this fits other than angsty Bright who thinks hes going to mess up everything (I swear everything I touch it breaks). Most of the lines could easily come from either of them to the other. Gets at the emotion of following each other and doing life together (will you follow?)

What if I told you, everything we built will slowly fade away? And if I hold you, I swear everything I touch it breaks But it you close your eyes and take my hand We could learn from our mistakes

If you jump, I'll follow If you jump, I'll follow

What if I told you, everything that's gold is sure to fade If I hold you, what if I hold you 'til we're old and grey? But if you close your eyes and take my hand We could learn from our mistakes

If you jump, I'll follow If I jump, will you follow? 

Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans 

See below under Malcolm & Gil - really good for canon friendship/ partnership with Dani & Bright

Hush Hush - The Band CAMINO

This one is absolutely perfect for building tension between the two of them either for pre-brightwell or established Brightwell – Especially if they’re hiding it from the rest of the team. It’s perfect for something hot yet playful, or just completely angsty. It’s… well, you’ll see. Give it a listen!

I caught your eye across the room No one can feel the tension between me and you There's no need to mention all the things I wanna do You wanna do 'em too We both know we'd be over if they knew Yeah, we both know we'd be over if they knew

Hush, hush Don't give it away We'll both be better off if no one knows Hush, hush Got nothin' to say Just keep it to yourself 'til we get home Don't touch they're looking your way If anybody asks, we left alone Hush, hush Don't give it away Hush, hush Don't give it away

Honest - The Band CAMINO

This one right here – the ENTIRE song is 100% for those storylines that has the two of them attempting ‘no strings attached’ and casual without all the emotions that we KNOW are there. Perfect for leading into a change from casual to serious :) Here’s just a portion

Are we something to each other Or are we just blowing smoke? Are we caught between the covers Or is there something more going on in between us, or not? Is it just on the surface, or what?

We should be honest 'Cause sometimes I can't tell Do we really want this Or are we lying to ourselves? Is it the burning hearts alone in the dark That make the midnight call? Now we're caught between the real thing And nothing at all So we should be honest

Do you feel it when you kiss me? 'Cause I know you do somehow I don't know when we go where we got But we're both here somehow And I thought it was nothing until now

What I Want - The Band CAMINO

Some feels for break up/ fight Brightwell and perfect for Dani’s POV when he moves onto Eve shortly after saying he’d try to do better at them and that she’s the one he likes talking to.

You told me to love, but I won't It doesn't seem right, no and I'll never get what I want if I can't on my own I took a chance on a feeling But here I am feeling alone

If Im James Dean, Then You’re Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping With Sirens 

For when Malcolm is serious about them and really needs Dani to stay – most important line in this is ‘Cant promise that things wont be broken’ For serious, and fluff:)

They say that love is forever Your forever is all that I need Please stay as long as you need Can't promise that things won't be broken But I swear that I will never leave Please stay forever with me

The way that we are It's the reason I stay As long as you're here with me I know we'll be okay The way that we are Is the reason I stay As long as you're here with me I know I'll be okay

Another Nightmare - Sleeping With Sirens

It’s not hard for Bright to be a MESS - whether you're sticking with canon storylines or adding your own, he probably thinks he's an absolute nightmare to everyone around him, especially Dani.

Nobody's perfect, there's no excuse I've been such a fucking nightmare to you But I promise if you let me in (let me in, let me in) I will never ever hurt you again

Malcolm & Martin (as portrayed on the show - not going near that NOTP)

Monsters - All Time Low (Explicit language)

This song perfectly - 99% - describes the relationship between Malcolm and Martin  (aside from the ‘in the sheets’ reference STAY THE FRICK AWAY NOTP). What I like the most about this matching their relationship is the fact that it acknowledges that Malcolm keep letting himself go back to Martin and let him hurt him (although I know a good deal of that is Martins manipulation controlling Malcolm). Go listen to the whole thing - its new music and its beautiful.

Another day, 'nother headache in this hangover hotel Gettin' used to the rhythm, yeah, I know this beat too well Tunnel visions got me feeling, like you're the only one I see But I know what's missing, where I'm swimmin' In my lonely luxury

Why am I a sucker for all your lies? Strung out like laundry on every line Why do I come back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?

I'm addicted to the way you hurt, the way you contradict me I swear everything look worse at night, I think I'm overthinking I don't care who I might hurt along the way, I'm fuckin' sinking Into every word, I don't care if you lyin' when I'm drinking So, tell me pretty lies, look me in my face Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake 

A Trophy Father’s Trophy Son - Sleeping With Sirens

The actual context of the song doesn’t fit to this situation, since Martin was taken away rather than leaving his family on his own but the emotion behind the words as if they were coming from Malcolm is exactly the same: losing a father. Perfect for young Malcolm as well as current day.

Father, father, tell me where have you been? Its been hell not having you here I've been missing you so bad And you don't seem to care When I go to sleep at night, you're not there When I go to sleep at night, do you care?

I need to know, I need to know Why are you walking away? Was it something I did? Did I make a mistake cause I'm trying to deal with the pain I don't understand this, is this how it ends? I will try to understand

Blood Lines - Sleeping with Sirens

Doesn’t need any more explanation than the statement Martin made that haunts him ‘We are the same’

No matter what I do, you will never ever be like me And I will never be like you (like you)

Malcolm

Who Will Pray? - We Came As Romans

Not in a religious context at all. Definitely a song on the more glum/ angsty side to describe Malcolm and how he feels about himself in relation to everyone around him.

We share our days Together now the sun is gone am I Another left here on my own alone And I'm slowly sinking

Scared to say What I'm feeling is the truth I need to face reality I choose to use to trick myself again into thinking

Short of breath and pulse erratic The weight of my chest, I'm slightly panicked

If I start to fade, gone without a trace Who will pray for me tomorrow? If I fall too far, disappear in the dark Who will pray for me tomorrow? 

Blood Lines - Sleeping With Sirens

Just some lyrics I found that accurately describe Malcolm – ‘Why do I try to save everyone I meet?’ evidenced by his talking down of their killer in every episode, and his ‘someone breaks us’ in the pilot as he tried to talk that killer down.

Why do I try to save everyone I meet? Is it because they are just like me? (Just like me) Same tracks, wrong side of the street Not typical in the way that we speak When you always expect to lose You don't give a fuck what they think of you It's written in our DNA Are we just born this way?

Malcolm & Gil (AS THEYRE PORTRAYED ON THE SHOW, PEOPLE, still not going near that NOTP)

Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans

This one actually fits any caring relationship with Bright, especially with Gil, and his canon friendship/ partnership with Dani. 

The POV in the chorus changes halfway through, as an answer to the person saying ‘dont let me go’ so I see that as being them telling Malcolm they wont let him go.

My body shivers at the thought of getting up My heart is starting to accept that I am giving up No strength left Is it over yet? Am I thinking with my heart or with my head? Through distance, you remind me that

Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me go

So hold me close and never let me, never let me go At my lowest of lows, when I need you the most So let's reverse, could you look for me, could you look for me first? I will hold you close, I will never let you go I will never let you go I will never let you go

My hands welcome yours as you begin to see me My heart is starting to accept your rescue completely This new life that you placed in my heart I hope that I will make it through to you And in my steps you will follow behind, Oh Don't let me go! 

Malcolm & JT (Once again - as they’re portrayed on the show)

Agree to Disagree - Sleeping With Sirens

Doesn't entirely fit them where they are at now, but it’s perfect for how JT viewed him pretty early on

You think you're better than me? You don't like what you see? I think it's best we agree to disagree I'm doing fine by myself I never asked for your help I think it's best we agree to disagree

Songs that I’m getting paring/ character vibes from but I have no explanation why: 

For a While - The Band CAMINO (Brightwell)

See Through - The Band CAMINO (Brightwell)

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[tetrakys]

Im curious to know which is the aesthetic/appareance you have for your Candy? Like She looks like you(with purple hair,ect..) or you have different Candies with different appareance for every LIs?

I have 9 Candys and they are all very different from each other, some were inspired by my own aesthetic tastes, others are completely different. I don’t usually create OCs now I give specific personalities, but in time I realised that I have a sort of headcanon for my girls. Ever watched Ocean’s 11? One day I started thinking, what if my Candys decided to rob a casino, what would their roles be? So let me introduce you my girls 😁 (in their winter/Christmas style)

Tetrakys1

She’s my first girl, has a classical romantic goth style, lots of corsets and long skirts, jet black hair, eyes and clothes. This is basically what I looked like around when I started playing MCL. She’s Lys’ girl (technically on Rayan’s route now, but only for language convenience, I don’t consider her Rayan’s). She’s the boss, the head of my robbers gang 😃 the brains, she devices the plan and puts together the group.

Tetrakys 2

When I realised I had completely fucked up my chances to get with Castiel because he was such an ass at the beginning in HSL (and at the same time I’d made it to episode 4 and instantly fell in love with Lys), I made another Candy and cheated my way through Pikachu’s heart. She’s the Harley Quinn of the group, punk/rock style, wears lots of red, uses seduction as a weapon, a little unstable, and a real talent with blades 👀 but also poisons, and guns (only when she has to).

Tetrakys3

She’s Nath’s girl, very heavy metal (she’s had purple hair longer than I have), her colour palette includes mostly black and purple. She’s the hacker of the group. I.Q. of 170 and a real genius.

Now, these three ladies are all a combination of my own style and aesthetics. The next ones are very different from me.

Tetrakys4

This was basically the account I had created to keep up with releases on Amour Sucré at the time the other servers were behind. She’s now Priya’s girlfriend (no ex). She’s the most feminine of my Candys, in a more traditional way. Very nurturing and maternal, lots of pastel colours (mostly white, pink and light blue). She’s the one who takes care of everyone else in the gang, the one who makes sure everyone is fed and healthy. She’d also be the medic when things inevitably turn to shit during the heist.

Tetrakys5

She’s Kentin’s girl (currently on Hyun’s route, but again same thing as before applies, I don’t really consider her Hyun’s girlfriend). Her main colours are dark and light blue, and white. Her style is also pretty feminine, bon ton skits, heels and glasses. Almost like a hot secretary, which she kinda is, because she’s the studious, super organised one. She’s the one who takes care of all the practicalities of the heist. For example, they need a black van to escape? She already has three different options lined up and has already studied everything about the best wheels and escape routes. If you ever watched Magicians, she’s basically Alice Quinn in both style and personality.

Tetrakys6

Armin’s girl. She had long light red/orange hair in HS and cut and dyed them pink when she went to uni. She’s kinda of a slob and spends her time lazying around, playing videogames or going out drinking. This is why she’s useful in the gang, she’s basically a social butterfly, she knows everyone everywhere, or she knows someone who knows someone. You need access to the casino? Leave it to her. Need to know about the cleaning company working there in order to infiltrate? She’ll be drinking buddy with half of the staff by the end of the week and gather all the deets. Also pretty good at pick-pocketing. She’s best friend with Tetrakys2 because they both use a sly but different way to get information and target people. She fights all the time with Tetrakys5 because she considers her a stuck-up, borderline OCD know-it-all, while Tetrakys5 thinks she just wastes time all day. Her style is punk/hobo/geek.

Now we get to my currently unactive Candys.

Tetrakys7

She is who I consider Rayan’s girl (and will actually replay his route with her if we ever get the old crushes back). She has a mature and adult style and attitude. For some reason, her whole closet is mostly all shades of green. She’s a master forger, not only she could make an exact replica of any art piece, but she can disguise herself perfectly, blend with the environment and resemble anyone. She’s good friend and confidante with Tetrakys1.

Tetrakys8

She is the muscle of the group. No subtlety at all, she’s very good at bursting her way through using weapons or fists. I created her because I wanted to test what would happen following Castiel’s route as Lysander’s ex. I didn’t even make it to episode 5 because the answer is NOTHING. It’s never acknowledged. Aesthetically I had Beyonce in mind when I created her, but style-wise she’s more sporty and ungraceful. She wears lots of gold, brown and orange.

Tetrakys9

She’s Hyun’s girl and I’m going to use her to replay his route if we ever get the old crushes back. Her style is girly but also womanly, let’s say womanly cute. Lots of grey and yellow. She’s the explosive expert of the gang. Also quite agile, she sneaks into small spaces and makes them kaboooom.

—

And this is it. I probably gave more details than you asked for anon 😅 but I’d had this heist thing on my mind for a while now and had to share.

[cybernightwanderer]

Asking help from my mother in anything goes like this : ( Also social security in Portugal are the new “ Loan Sharks ?“ )

So our goverment is doing a witch hunt on people who took medical leaves this year. I took 1 month and a half of medical leave because i suddently stopped walking, and the recovery was , and still is a mess, and i still havent had treatment because it got canceled due to Codv, i literally just have pain killers, that im allergic to half. But nonetheless i got back to work ( as you know from previous posts i am a cook) , after 2 months on in and out. I went to the medical avaluation first month and they said it was not justified for me to be on medical leave, so they cut it. Blah blah i went to work early, started having even more problems, started not being able to walk again and so on. Basicly very complicated fight with the social security deparment. Because they kept saying i was lying and that i was good to work. Even tho i went to the hospital a few times, sick of the medication or because i couldnt walk again. And mostly because i could even barely stand while working even with 8 pain killers that they gave me. Few months in April they told me to send ALL the medical documents. And the funny thing is, the medical documents are a fucking joke, for example i was taken to the hospital because i couldnt walk, and was in excrucial pain, yet somehow the ER doctors noted that “ i was ok , not in  great pain “ , yet i was literally paralized in my leggs from the pain, and crying in pain non stop everytime someone moved me the slightest. Moving forward. they thanked me for sending all the documents and said they would let me know. Ok so they sent me a new letter this week threatning me , to send new documents because they werent enough. That the documents i sent didnt justify ENOUGH. I mean....it had back exams, legg exams, medical treatments that went consistently wrong, the hospital documents regarding my ambulance , and my ER trips ( NOT ONE TRIP , BUT MULTIPLE ), my doctors document saying i had starters of another back hernia, and my legg liggaments were inflated and damaged. I mean, THATS NOT ENOUGH? ok So i kindly sent an email asking, what was missing. So now i have to ask my doctor to make a timeline detailed document regarding the situation. But for no reason because the Social Security will and just wants to force me to pay it all back, probably because they r short on money in this lay off season , i dont know. And me being the socialy anxious and panicking over this situation i asked my mom to call our family doctor to write a new report because his was a little BLANT apparently. Even tho at the time i asked him to make it very detailed, yet my mom kept yelling at me to shut up and not to waste the doctors time and because it made no sense to make a detailed report. However maybe now she clearly sees that was not the case and that i was right that time. So yesteday she said she would call this morning, ok all good. I woke up , she called me over to the living room, and the conversation went like: Mom calls me over tells me its abou the doctor call. Me - So you called the doctor? Mom - No, you have to ask the doctor for medicine or complain about your back or something, you cant show up just asking for a document. Me - No, why would i ask medicine if i dont need, and he is our family doctor i can just---- interrupted me with an loud and agressive tone. Mom - you cant do that the doctor wont see you , thats wasting his time, thats not how you do things blah blah blah. ( i mean he is a family doctor, and this is just as important as medicine?? im being scammed and harrassed by Social Security?!! ) Me - No you say that you need medicine to the entry registration not the doctor, you have to be honest to the doctor, and its a social security matter, he will know its important, legal shit is important. - she interrupts me again but yelling this time.

And i straight up say : Stop being stupid. And she starts threatning me and blah blah blah. And tells me she wont call the doctor, and refused to help me. So i sayd “ ok “ and went to my room. First of all, its only the third time in my life that i ever call a name to my mom or “offend” her in any sort of way. The names i called my mom were : a monster ( one or two times loudly, but i do call her always in my mind, she beat me up or called me a piece of shit ) And the other it wasnt a name , i just told her i hated her. My mom, my whole living life as called me the fallowing multiple times across the years, some daily , some monthly : A Bitch. An ungratefull piece of shit. A piece of shit ( Also most used one ) Yelling in my face agressivly saying “ YOU ARE SHIT” ( never forgot this one , she did it for a whole month ) Dumb ( this is her most used one, specially when i was just a little child lol ) A lazy fuck ( when  i started having depression and during my depression episodes , such as not being able to get out of bed and stuff ) Irresponsable ( because i dont have a second job, even tho i work 12 hours daily and leave home at 7 am and get back at 2/3 am ) Uselesss ( many many times ) And ofc many sub versions of these ones for specific ocasions. And i have been hearing these since i was in my 3/4 grade LOL, basicly a baby child. And now for the past hour has entered my room acting like a VICTIM, like shes an actual victim of abuse LOL  And now is asking if i called the doctor. BITCH I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR, my fucking crippling anxiety doesnt let me, thats why i asked you. FFS

So now im stuck, i need to call the doctor, but i cant... so im just panicking....