#because im a lazy lying piece of shit

[themoonstonechronicler]

the vague sad

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Looooong ass vent

TW for: Self hate. Lots of swearing. Use of not nice words. Eating disorders, purging, self harm, suicide, rants, venting, tons of triggers, dissociation, lying, all caps, me whining, me being a bitch, mistreatment, body shaming, hateful stuff, mental illness, all that- like seriously this has more TWs than I can think of. .

I'm a jealous person. I'm sorry, it's true. I'm jealous when other people have art that gets 40, 50, more notes. I get jealous when my friends have better friends than I ever could be. I get jealous of song writers because damnit please I want to make music. I get jealous of others art,voices, bodies. I get so jealous I get mad at nothing over nothing. I get jealous at others art styles, at other success, i get jealous at my own FRIENDS wow I'm awful

I'm selfish. I'm greedy because I can't just- be fucking happy with what i do have. I can't be patient to get better at drawing, better at recording my voice, more freedom. I am never satisfied, I'm a fucking whore for any sort of love and attention and likes and reblogs. You hear me? I'm, a, whore.

And I'm fucking awful because I can't take criticism for shit, I get so fucking unhappy at it and I lie and I say I'm happy to receive it. I lie all the time like this, I'm a dishonest whore, that's worse than a normal whore! I get so bent out of shape!

And I want to make it big in the Tumblr community BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE I NEVER FOCUS ON ONE THING

M so impatient

And when I talk to my friends I-

I forget all that. I calm down, I feel... wanted.

But I'm burdening them. I'm burdening them I'm burdening them I'm I'm fucking selfish and horrible because they give and give and give and I take like a needy selfish greedy whore.

AND I DON'T SHUT UP, I'm sorry I'm sorry I never shut up

...I'm... awful. And... I shouldn't keep posting shit like this, because nobody should have to read my rambling and shit and I'm overreacting and I want to die and

Im useless irl BTW. I've been nothing but a stupid moody bitch the past two weeks, I stay up all night doing nothing and wake up at 5 pm like a useless piece of human shit that should burn in the garbage

I keep forgetting who I am, who is talking too

Im sooooooooo uselessssssssssss

Its fucking because I think my family would be happier if I didn't exist. Because that'd be one less stupid moody bitch that can't do anything and hides in their room all day that they have to deal with

Im lazy I get apathetic I have no motivation to do anything and I don't cry at sad movies like a broken robot and everything about me is wrong

And my father wanted a daughter so fucking badly, but I'm not a girl I'm nothing and he'd be so mad if I ever told him

And BTW I'm literally awful like I've run out of things I'm a jealous whore

M a whore because all tye time I think of stupid sexual stuff and then I feel disgusted I'm disgusting I barely take showers

I'm pathetic btw I never finish anything I start I have so many half assed AUs and drafts and fanfics and art and chores and needs and shit

and I sit in my room all day and play on my phone like a fucking loser. Im also really stupid btw, I don't know half the shit I'm supposed too and I can't spell shit or know history AND I HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEARN BUT IM SUCH A STUPID FUCKING BITCH I NEVER DO ANYTHING

I'm also a hypocrite because I get so snappy and shit with my siblings when they do nothing wrong except be annoying or something but when I feel justified I shouldn't because I'm still a shitty person

I barely reach out to my friends unless they text first, I'm a horrible friend that never listens I'm sorry I'm sorry I never meant to abandon anyone

And I can't take blame or accountability I'm sorry I am shit why do I keep trying to hide behind myself??

Its past 6 am,people are statving and in here venting like a bitch

I never shut up

I Bother people

i sleep in and I'm moody and I demand attention like a whore whose demanding love idfk

I never know anything, I'm rude as hell

Im sorry

and I'm protective over shit nobody cares about, I'm so damn defensive

Im sorry I'm not doing better I'm sorry I'm not improving myself. I'm so mad at myself I have so much anger at myself I direct it at innocent people I'm sorry

I HAVE NO EXCUSES, IM SO FUCKING SELF AWARE OF THIS BUT I KEEP DOING IT KM SO DAMN FHCKONG DUM IM LUTERALLY COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS OF SELF HSTE

Its justified BTW, i deserve hate

I feel like I'm lying abt being a system and artistic and depressed and anxiety like what I'd I just suddenly decided I had them?? I swear I promise I'm not faking I'm not I don't want to lie I want to be good I never meant to hurt anyone BUT I FEEL LIKE IM A FAKING BITCH

I binge food and throw it up, I hide food like a greedy pig just to purge I take others food because I'm so gluttonous and I LIE about it

and I vent and vent and vent and... and I still hate myself

I'm so fucking manipulative because anytime I talk I CSNT STOP IMSGING HOW THE CONVERSATION WILL GO, I CANT STOP TRYONG TO FUCKING GET MY WAY IRL, AHHGHGBTIDDHDH I ALEATS ACT LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN I DONT and I purposefully annoy my siblings so they leave thr kitchen so I can binge like a fat pig, I'm a hypocrite too in every aspect. I'm toxic ok im awful

I s/h and then i forget about it so its not even a problem but I whine like it is and I want to do it so badly rn I wanna go deep

AND I RUINED MYSELF WITH UGLY SCATS they're so ugly like me inside and out

And I wanna cry and

and I'm so awful because like I get so... idk, I am. I've done shifty things, I'm a shit person. I act sweet than a condescending little bitch

and sometimes the smallest things set me off

Im jealous of everyone else

Hell I'm fucking jealous of people I've never met, I want so much so badly I'm so greedy and lustful for it and selfish

In... conclusion? The world, would, be, better, without, me

I'm useless, lazy, stupid, jealous, slutty, angry, sad, pitiful, pathetic, fat looking, no good child, moody, stereotypical, ugly, hateful, chatter box, greedy, selfish. Gluttonous, messy, dirty. I'm all the bad stuff

Dont lie, these are facts. I have so much awful in me, the world wpuld be better off without me

[face2facewithabsinthe]

Casual conversation

Cut me piece of that pack would you?

Cuz a fag would really do me some good right now.

Remind me again, what exactly is it that you do?

Accountancy? Marketing? Some corporate job?

Right right thats it. Hows that working out for you?

Really? I didn’t take you for the kind.

No no I mean, I just never really imagined you quitting your job, or anything else for that matter. 

Always known you to be the kinda guy to see it through you know?

But yeah…. good for you!

So….. whats next?

Mhm yeah…. nothing planned huh?

Well Ill be damned, YOU?

Seriously, YOU? 

Without a PLAN?

That job really fucked you up good huh?

What about your wife and kids though, you gotta feed em somehow dont you?

Oh ma, Im sorry dude.

How long has she been …. you know……

That’s real tough man.

I wish I could say that I know what youre going through but I really dont.

When did you find out?

Ohh shit is this the reason why you rang me like 6 times that day ?

Man, Im sorry dude there was a work function and I was hammered and you know it being 3am I was sleeping. Once again Im so sorry—

I probably should have called you after but I kinda just forgot…..

Yeah yeah so no hard feelings? 

Alright man .

Well I hope the kids are okay at least.

Hey……. remember when we used to play football in the back of the school? The old pitch was locked up and you’d always find some way to get in? Wire cutters, climbing the fence, using rocks to try to break the lock….. You always found a way.

Didnt we also blame you everytime we got caught? Hahaha.

You were always the hardy one. No matter how fierce the teachers were to you, you never once flinched!

……

…….

….

You gotta go already? So soon? 

Ill guess ill catch you later then,

call me if you need to talk alright?

What? What do you mean?

What do you mean you can’t? Something happened to your phone?

Look, I know I messed up the last time but like I said, I was fast asleep man like what do you want me to do?

Okay now you’re just being unreasonable, 

Im not a bad person just because I didnt pick up your calls that day. 

Mind you, it was you who rang me up at the witches hour.

No, I know that I shouldve been there for you,

but was it really all my fault? You cant put this all on me.

You keep saying that youre already gone what does that even mean?

What does that mean?

Youre already gone?

Already gone?

Gone.

You are gone.

It means that you are already gone.

There was no work function.

You did not call me at 3am.

My phone rang at 12,

I was awake,

lying on bed,

about to sleep.

I saw your name but was too lazy to pick it up.

I thought you’d call me again the following day.

The call never came.

The next time I saw your name, was on the funeral card.

The one who brought down the guillotine, was me.

I should have picked up.

I should have been there.

I messed up.

You left so soon.

But I didnt know.

“He never quits”

“He has his wife and kids he wouldnt do anything silly”

“He has a plan for everything he’s probably fine.”

I was wrong.

And so the sun arose and awoke the streets.

Reality repeats, without him.

People still smile and children still play.

But not me, and not him.

As I stare at the bustle and life of the city,

I realise,

That though there may be billions of souls visiting this very plane.

You never quite know, how much a single soul can mean to another.

You never really know,

how important you may be,

to another.

Sometimes, I forget that I could have done something.

Sometimes, I forget that despite it all, it was his choice.

Sometimes, I forget, that I smoke…..alone.

[flamingo--ing]

honestly its worse that im lying here and again, i know i should be getting up and taking a shower and loading the dishwasher and then go outside and ill stop wanting to kill myself, but i cannot get my piece of shit lazy ass up. i know im only fatigued and in pain because i dont do fuck all and hate myself. so get. up. you piece of shit. you absolute horrible fucking person

[electricsockhead]

💓 jenelope headcanons 💓

side notes:

1 -> it’s established relationship cuz idk how to write f-t-l with them 😖😖😖

2 -> this is set in like seasons 1 & 2, so there’s no kids and jj is still media liaison

3 -> please come talk to me about them!! idc if you’re seeing this posts 6 months after I posted it or 12 years (if I’m still active) PLEASE COME TALK TO ME ABOUT THEM 🥺🥺🥺

4 -> Trigger Warnings:

brief mentions of SA! (talking about their job)

possible displays neurodivergent traits! (if you’re neurotypical, this trigger is not for you, it’s for those in ND community who get triggered by stimming and mentions of breakdowns. also, the only reason “possible” is added is because I’m not neurodivergent (nor a doctor) so I have no personal experience with with these, and I don’t know if they’re considered neurodivergent traits. if you’re neurodivergent im 100% willing to listen to your opinions and thoughts on this!!!)

jj loves falling asleep over penelope, and loves holding one of her hands and just fiddling with her fingers (interlacing them, kissing her knuckles, etc)

Penelope always played with jjs hair when they do that, and she loves trying to make a braid with just one hand. sometimes she tangles jjs hair a little and they laugh 🥰🥰

when JJ is having a bad day she sits cross-legged on one of Penelope’s desks and just fiddles with Penelope’s toys

occasionally throughout the day penelope will go over and just hold her waist and rest her head on one of JJ’s thighs and JJs hand automatically goes to her head and starts fiddling with her hair

On days where she can’t stay in Penelope’s office she takes one of the toys with her and is fiddling with it all days and doesn’t let go for too long

On those days when they get home they cuddle and sometimes if it was really bad jj will break down and cry into Penelope’s shoulder and Penelope just comforts her through it 🥺🥺🥺

sometimes she also gets really touch averted so they’ll just sit next to each other while jj sobs into her hands, and Penelope just sits with her so she doesn’t feel alone 🥺🥺

On game nights they always have so much fun and they rarely bicker over the color/object of the players because penny will always go for the smallest or pink one and jj will always go for the one with more texture or blue one (ex. on the life game, penny gets the pink car and jj gets the blue one, or monopoly, jj gets the Statue of Liberty because it has a lot of bumps and she runs her fingers through them all the time because it calms her down and helps her feel grounded, and penny gets the hat because it’s small and sometimes she likes to just run her fingers through the “hem” — they rarely ever leave their pieces on the board which causes them to forget where they were but it’s ok cuz they always have fun 🥰🥰)

On their days off, they like to go on picnics and jj takes care of the setting while Penelope takes care of the snacks

jj always picks somewhere with a body of water, usually a river but they live nearby a lake and sometimes they go there as well

she absolutely loves seeing the water just move on the river or just stare at the cute ducks on the lake

Penny always has cookies and extra money in her bag cuz she knows jjs gonna want to get ice cream

at dinner time, usually penny cooks, but jjs always with her, sitting on the counter and trying to help out (even tho penny said not to worry, and that she likes to do it by herself, and also to give jj a break from always working), and when she has nothing to do (or nothing in her hands to fiddle with) she’ll set the table extra nice with candles and wine

jj loves when they’re too lazy or too tired to cook anything so she just makes ham and cheese sandwiches for them and they sit on the couch and watch TV.

Penny loves putting on romantic dramas or romantic comedies while jj likes putting on western/action movies (it gives closure she never got as a kid 🥺💔)

One thing they can’t watch is horror because then the next day they can’t really do their job right because they just keep going back to the movie that depicts what they only see the aftermath of (like yeah they see the dead body and they’re informed of sa, but if a movie is graphic enough that it’ll depict it, then the next time they hear a victim was SAed they’ll be able to picture it and it just makes the job a lot harder to do 🥺💔)

On a lighter note, they have movie nights every Saturday and a lot of times they settle for Disney movies, and they’ve watched lady and the tramp so much that they know a lot of the dialogue

They also sometimes like to put it on mute and make up their own dialogue, and they always have so much fun with it

They have this little plush toy they keep in between them, so when one has a nightmare they can cuddle it while also cuddling each other (like if jj has a nightmare, she’ll get cuddles from penny, with the plushy in her own arms)

every morning they wake up half an hour earlier then they’re supposed to so that they can be lazy in bed and steal sleepy kisses and still get up in time and not be late for work

they never tried to hide their relationship from the team, but they weren’t necessarily public about it.

Hotch was the first to know, and he’s like “there’s fraternization rules against it, so no one on this team should be in a relationship” but then pulls them aside and he’s like, I don’t know nothing, I ain’t see nothing, but if hypocritically there was something, I’d be happy with it, BUT I DONT KNOW NOTHING (aka, he supports their relationship, but doesn’t want them to get in trouble 🥺🥰)

the next to find out is Morgan and he’s * o f f e n d e d * that his bbg never told him and she was like “you never asked 🤷” and he’s like “yeah, fair point” (obv. he also supports it)

When Elle finds out she’s like “hot.” And they both blush, but she’s supportive and it hurts them more then anyone else when she leaves because she’s the only other queer woman they’re close with, but then when Emily joins, she can smell the gays a mile away and it brings them a bit of comfort

When Spencer find out he’s also * o f f e n d e d * they didn’t tell him, but he gets super excited and buys them a bunch a Pride stuff for them because he knows they might not use it so he gets an excuse to have gay shit lying around his house (🚪🚪🚪)

Gideon never really payed attention to their “friendship” but when hotch offhandedly mentions it he acts like he already knew, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it (let’s be honest this man is an ally ☺️☺️)

as time progresses, they become more and more open about it, and occasionally will display copious amounts of PDA, and the team finds it absolutely adorable because they’re so happy for them 🥰🥰

the end ☺️✨

if y’all don’t mind, I’m tagging @geeky-son-dr-reid and @gleaminginthespotlight 🥺 ilysm

[friedesgreatscythe]

im too lazy to tag things anymore

i still have all those fancy tags saved, it’s just a matter of logging in to my xkit account BUT i forgot the password AND xkit rewritten is so much faster so whoopsie

that would bother past me so, so much. not just because i like those tags (and i do), but because the lack of organization would make me panic. now i’m just not bothered. this blog’s a place to shove things that i think are nice as i find them. lately there are not many things that are findable on here; twitter’s more the place where i see such things. but that’s ok. i’m glad i don’t lurk on here as often as i used to. this place is really unhealthy if you’re in any way active in communities. i’d rather run this blog and my akeshu sideblog on the outer limits of it all and just chill elsewhere.

still super deep into final fantasy xiv, as expected. i made a me!wol on diabolos. my original wol on jenova is taking a hiatus. endwalker really took all the heart and soul out of her. and my akechi!wol on zalera is chillin in sharlayan, because where else would he like to be? my me!wol is doing everything i can think to do on a single character, though of course this means farming for that hades mount likely another 50+ times as i did on eva, but hey, the FC i’m in is full of nice people who do weekly mount farming, map running, and the like. and they’re always down to farm things at random, so. that’s good. they’re having a costume contest this weekend and i’ve got mine all picked out, so i hope i win. i think it’s some mounts and stuff from mogstation, so that’d be a treat.

i’m still writing, of course. always. still in therapy, and it’s helping. a lot. my homework this week is to “uno reverse” my way of thinking when it comes to doing things out of spite. i can still do them to spite a thing (usually my mom), but just reverse the focus. for example: he asked me what my future goal is for writing, and i said that i’d love to get published just so i can SHOW my family, mainly my mom, that LOOK all those days and weeks and years of me trying PAID OFF and i WASN’T being lazy or doing nothing--

and he asked me, “what if she doesn’t give you the reaction you want?”

and i said, “well then fuck her, i’ll know i succeeded and that’s what matters.”

and he gestured strongly and said, “yes! so make THAT the focus!”

so, to reverse the focus is to make writing my goal BECAUSE i want to succeed and my desire TO do that is all that fucking matters.

it sounds so small and simple, but i don’t know if i can truly express enough just how impossible it is to operate around the voice of judgment in my head. it’s there about anything, everything. imagine if you had someone looking over your shoulder, their lips to your ear, telling you that any choice you made was wrong. you want to take a break? you’re lazy. you want to work on something? it’s not good enough. you want to read a book or play a game for inspiration? you’re lying; you’re just going to steal their ideas, or you just want an excuse to waste time.

you want to stop eating meat? that’s because you think you’re fat. you think you’re fat? well that’s your own fucking fault. you can’t ride your bike or go for walks like you used to because the heat makes your joints swell up? that’s an excuse. your body is a piece of shit. you think your body is a piece of shit? stop feeling sorry for yourself. you feel sorry for yourself? pathetic.

so it goes, on and on and fucking on.

but i’m getting on with it. therapy helps.

anyway, the current project right now is a sondham fic because YES i watched game grumps’ playthrough of dr2 and YES i fully support and share danny sexbang’s love for gundham and sonia and YES i am absolutely writing a fic for them because he made a passing, somewhat tentative mention of looking up things for them once the game is done and NO the fic is nowhere near as simple as i thought it to be originally because YES i am a creature of habit and even if he never reads it i WON’T care because i filled up my entire glittery pink unicorn notebook with this story and i really love it, and that’s all that matters to me

and, knowing me, i’ll just pull the thing in a few months so i can make it an original piece, like i’m doing with krakrgaldr.

i have PLANS and i am slowly learning how to stop fearing the idea of having goals or believing in my ambitions and it’s making a difference

[alexwhitton]

Hardest thing in life to do is let go of someone we love there nothing harder then that to be honest, but you got remind yourself if you truely love someone you want them to be happy and you be in pain for awhile, I say to anyone going thought the same pain leave nothing unsaid speak your truth I told my ex that my feeling for her where forever true and that I loved her to pieces and I’m sorry for all my mistakes as the regret of losing her was eating away at me at night, when I thought before she would be here after work but that isn’t the world I live in anymore , I guess I hope everything comes across not crazy as sometime it can be seen as that but more of just being true to myself and them so that I know I’m a good person for not lying or leaving nothing unsaid, I was listening to a talk the other day if you don’t speak your truth then life will come for you some point not now but later and something with set it off and I been reading so much after work I was like I need to say what I need to say so I know it been said I can’t lie to myself be like oh were ok if they never know how much I still love them and miss them it’s like why would I put myself thought hell if I can just take a moment and release what been eating away at me for ages then I can work though it , just remember too that if you left nothing unsaid then you can move forwards as you have nothing to look back on but the knowledge knowing you left in peace and you let them know that you loved them to pieces. Im hoping after everything I said I can tell my soul free itself from the past and realise I’m not that person anymore I’ve bettered myself and my life by gaining a career and working none stop to make a future and to work everything towards my future as it been hard losing someone I loved and was my soul mate to me, I’ve been so busy with work that I forget I’m still getting over a lose. Im hope one day the feeling of the lose will get off my chest and let me rest, I keep forgetting I got to ask myself how am I feeling after work as I’ve been getting so much on track and crazy busy days for me one of knees have been going lately but I’ve been like I need to reach this goal I keep going,

It’s really odd because some days I’m like oh I’m reaching this goal and this and my life is going well and then other on a night I break down because of losing someone I held dear honestly I hope maybe all this being done will help me deal with it all knowing now I’ve done everything, first time for me if I’m honest with myself that I thought I was going to marry her and see her everyday after work that how much she was in my heart she used to give me shit for being sloppy , I hope one day someone see me for my worth now I’m not that Alex anymore lazy and uniformed, I’ve grown up

[putridobject]

im only human, it's okay for me to take it one step at a time

you're a lazy piece of shit and you have no purpose

i have people who care about me they're lying

i need to prioritise my own wellbeing and slit your fucking wrists, cut deeper and deeper because that's all you're good for

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck why won't the thoughts stop why won't she get out of my fucking head ive had enough i can't fucking take this anymore fuck jfjck fuck fucked jfjck fuck fuckfufc fuck f ukc

[queenmendes]

things are changing | extra

shawn x reader x connor

a/n: so I know I said this is the last part but I lied! There are proabably 2 more after this. This was a short filler that just happened so please let me know what you think and who she picks! xxx

big big big thank you to @local-neighborhood-biderman for helping me so much!

____

You’d be lying if you said you haven’t been wallowing in self pity since you arrived back in Toronto. Shawn and Connor have not left your mind; along with the last moment you saw them. The anger and then regret that flashed through their eyes broke your heart. It felt like you caused all of this drama because you couldn’t choose between one boy. 

Your life became one of those romantic dramas you constantly make fun of. Of course, your pity party wasn’t getting this situation out of your mind. Memories from tour played through your head like a movie.  

Tomorrow is the first show in America. Currently, the whole team and band was explore the city of Portland. Everyone completely jittery and ready for the show to come. Tour has already been amazing. 

“Oh, let’s go in here.” You grabbed his hand and lead him into the little shop. It was small but cozy and cute. It seemed to be a jewelry shop based on the displays up front but the further you walk, the more options you see. In the back, was an older lady sitting behind a large table with different colored beads and lose, empty bands. 

“Would you like to make your own bracelets?” The lady asked, gesturing to the empty bands. You quickly nodded before picking up two of the bands and handing him one. 

“You make mine and I’ll make yours?” You suggest, smiling widely. He knew he couldn’t say no. Not to that smile. You quickly got to work, picking out the beads you wanted. Deciding to go with a more manly vibe; you picked up black, blue and some green beads. Placing them in an easy pattern on the band, you stop and grab a small white bead that had Y/F/I on it. Then you take two beads that made up your initials, sliding them onto the band along with a bead that was your favorite color. Placing it in the middle of the other beads, you quickly finish up. 

“Here.” He said, grabbing your wrist and tying your new bracelet on. You smile as you see that he put his initials on the bracelet; just like you did. 

“I love it.” You say after tying his bracelet onto his wrist. The two of you shared a big smile, before paying the lady. He quickly but gently tugs you out of the little shop, and down the streets of Portland. The two of you carefree while you had the chance. 

You’re eyes never left the bracelet that was still tied around your wrist as you replayed that memory. You haven’t taken it off since he put it on. To you, it symbolized the connection shared between the two of you. 

Denver. You were almost positive that is the city you are currently in. After travelling endlessly, it’s hard to be completely sure on where you are at. Needless to say, the show was amazing as always. The crowd was breathtaking and gave off a great vibe. Now, everyone was on their assigned bus as the journey to the next city was about to start. 

You already showered and refreshed yourself. Now, everyone was lounging around the bus, relaxing. Soon, he came and joined you; away from everyone. The smell of this fresh shampoo hit your nose and made you smile at the familiar scent.

“Whatcha doing?” he asked, his face awfully close to yours. You motioned to your headphones. 

“Jamming.” You smile before offering him one of the buds. He immediately recognized the familiar, smooth voice of Hozier’s Almost (Sweet Music). He sighed as he leaned back, resting one hand across his stomach and the other on your leg, tapping to the beat. 

I've got some colour back, she thinks so, too

I laugh like me again, she laughs like you

He watched in awe as you softly sang along to the words. Your voice wasn’t perfect but the look of complete and utter content on your face made everything seem perfect in this moment. 

I wouldn't know where to start  

He doesn’t know where to start with you. He could write a whole book about just your laugh. The things you did to him without even realizing. Like right now. You had no idea the effect you had on him. The way he smiled without realizing it, just by seeing yours. Or how at the sight of you, his heart jumps out of his chest. Your laugh makes him laugh. How you are goofy to put him back into a good mood when he is feeling homesick. You had no idea that your soft singing was going to be the moment he realizes how strong his feelings for you are. 

“What?” You stopped singing as you noticed him staring you; not moving, not even blinking. You sat up straight and wipe your face. “Do I have something on my face?” You asked. He quickly shook his head; his slightly damp hair flying around. 

“No. No. You’re perfect.” He whispered and you almost didn’t hear him. He smiled as you looked down, bashfully, but the smile on your lips could be seen by anyone. 

Hozier’s voice filled your apartment as you tidy up a bit. It was time for you to stop sitting around all day. But no matter what you did, something brought up another memory of him. The bracelet, to your Spotify playlist, to your favorite TV show. All of your favorite things were connected with him. 

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.” He grumbled as the two of you huddled on his bed in the hotel you were staying in for the night. A lot of the band and crew went out to explore but the two of you were feeling lazy and decided to stay in and have a marathon. 

“You chose the last TV show. It’s my turn.” You said as you scrolled on your laptop, looking for the series. You glanced at him from the side of your eyes and had to suppress your smile as you saw him cuddling into your blanket. “Okay, shall we begin?” You retorchically ask because he really did not have a choice. 

“So, who’s is that guy again?” “What the fuck. The siblings are lovers? What is this shit?” “Awe its a puppy.” “Why do you like this show again?” Those were a few comments he made in the first half of the episode of Game of Thrones. As annoying as he was getting, his commentary was hilarious. 

“Just hush up and watch it. I promise you will like it once the show gets going.” You said, as your head tilted up from its position on his chest. You weren’t sure when or how the two of you ended up in this position but you weren't complaining. He was warm and a great snuggle buddy. 

He wouldn’t admit it but you were right. Once he shut up and watched the show, he got really into it. So much that he watched the first 5 episodes in one sitting. 

“Alright, so it’s pretty good-” He stopped talking once he noticed you were fast asleep. You’re cheek was pressed up against his chest and your arm was wrapped around his waist; a light death grip on it. But he wasn’t complaining. You looked adorable with your mouth slightly parted and little, soft snores coming out. It made it even better that you were wearing on of his hoodies. This easily became his favorite moment between the two of you. Which is why he decided to snap a quick picture of you on his chest before shifting slightly and falling asleep next to you. He swears it was the best sleep he’s had all tour. 

Your hands softly traced over the hoodie you found in your suitcase. It seemed like a good idea to finally unpack the bag that has been sitting by the door for the past week and a half. You didn’t even realize that you took this piece of clothing with you. The all too familiar cologne hit your nose as you held the navy blue hoodie up to your chest. It didn’t hit you how much you missed him until you realized his comforting smell was almost gone from this hoodie. It made you more eager to slip it over you head and cuddle into it; wishing it was his arms instead. But you’d have to settle for the oversized hoodie. 

For now.

_________

Tag List (UNBOLD WOULD NOT LET ME TAG)

 @turtoix @physicshawn @im-a-stranger-thing @shawn-youth @dreamersseeincolor @spn-marvel-nerd @someinsanefangirl @tinycertain @unsolvedhearts @ykicantbefoundwithyou @marissje @mae-petite-etoile @michellemxndes @curlyfan @haileyofthefandoms @whoopcalpal @chaotic-ness @arypesanchez @shawnmendes048 @sweetheartmendes @justinshawntom @carolineclds @ludiclove @kamustyles @loveylangdon @redrebecca @weliove @maximumcoffeesublime @introvertedrhi @peruvian-bae @iamanerdnot @lovablefangirl @foreveralone19588 @learning-howto-be-myselfx3 @ly--canthrope @night-girls-world @we--f0und--w0nderland @rodneywaber @xtmd5 @enchantingbrowneyedgirl @alphabeteeee @shawnandconnor @zigzagsandzebras @danidomm @mariamuses @feliciaceciliamariajacobsson @shessoparticular99 @pitreshawn @char-m-e @riverdalexvixens @bloodorangemoonlight @the-diabolic @xxamzxx @lilya-petrichor @royalexperiment256 @aspiring-fangirls-world @curlyshawnie @tempsta @sleepybesson @sunrisebrashx @calum-booo

[creative-cha0s]

Jess’ Masterlist of Prodigal Son (Mostly Brightwell) Inspo with Songs & Lyrics

HI tend to think of almost everything in connection to songs and lyrics and recently Ive got a bunch of lyrics rolling around in my head that are perfect for inspiration for Prodigal Son fics, fan art, gif sets, ect - but mostly fics (and mosty Brightwell).

Ill do my best to categorize by relationship/ character and possibly plot - and hopefully to keep this updated.

Like my music? want to listen to it too? All of these songs are in my playlist that I leave on repeat: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3pvktqRQXSUivcXpOWZGCX

Brightwell

Piece of Your Heart - Mayday Parade

This song is perfect for the both of them no matter who it’s coming from, but I always see the 1st verse (1st bullet) coming from Dani

Give me your misery All of it give it to me I can hold onto it for you It's not a problem I just want your energy A piece of that fractured mountain I'll take whatever comes with it as long as it's yours

All I know is that I want it more than yesterday If I was waiting, I was waiting for just one little spark You are the brightest I've seen You are the best side of me And just for when we're apart I've got a piece of your heart

But I want the whole damn thing 

Where You Are - Mayday Parade

The song as a whole is not fitting, its about someone dying. But there are a few lines that can be used.

You to me, are encased in nothing But beauty and gracious love You'll always be my one good reason To keep on moving 'til I'm in your arms

My favorite place is wherever you are 

Sleeping In - All Time Low

This song is PERFECT for well establish Brightwell - fluffy, lazy days, just ignoring the world and staying in together. Just go listen to the whole song.

Never wanna leave this bed Tell me that you got nowhere to be Can we stay all day? (All day) Lay low in our lazy luxury Sex in a rosé daze (daze) All day, it's a real good thing

Just like that There you go, making it hard to stay on track Got shit to do, you got work But we fall right back Into bed, like it's all just a game And we can't help that, no we can't help that 

Favorite Place - All Time Low

Another one that’s perfect for Brightwell, mostly coming from Bright (bolded parts), this song is currently always stuck in my head. Go listen to it!

So can we close the space between us now It's the distance we don't need (hey) Yeah, you're everything I love about The things I hate in me (hey) So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place

And I know you don't belong (know you don't belong) Know you don't belong to anyone No you can't be tamed love Maybe I was wrong (maybe I was wrong) Maybe I was wrong for this But you feel like the perfect escape now 

Kids Again - Artist Vs Poet

Can be any phase of Brightwell I think - mostly focusing on the verses, ignoring the ‘just like we were kids’ reference in the chorus, because they didn’t grow up together. Another one to go listen to the whole song.

I know a girl who likes to drink her coffee black Cause sugar, no, she don't got time for that Leaves her desires at the welcome mat when she walks in

Yeah, I know a boy who likes to keep his burner on He's always running with no one to keep warm It's like he's flirting with the smoke alarm, his fire's fading

But still we laugh, we cry, we fall, we get high

And when I, I'm feeling small you get me through it all

I know a girl who's never tried to settle down She wears her loneliness like a crown But when she smiles all the kings will bow down, down, down

And I know a boy who's broken every vow he's made Who's spoken every capped phrase But he can listen like a rainy day and drown it out 

Clumsy - All Time Low

Perfect for when Bright acts like Bright, especially in reference to him backing away from Dani and ending up with Eve. And anything else he does that breaks Danis trust and makes her say things like ‘you promised to do better’ and ‘you told me i was the one you liked talking to’ LISTEN TO THIS ONE ITS SO GOOD

I was bound to make a mess of things Mixin' fireworks and gasoline Never meant to make you fall with me

I let you down I've been clumsy with your heart again I guess you figured me out Now here's a taste of my own medicine

And for all this pain, that I can't explain There's a black flag wavin' tonight You know I let you down (let you down) I've been clumsy with your heart again 

Satellite - Mayday Parade

Cant really explain how this fits other than angsty Bright who thinks hes going to mess up everything (I swear everything I touch it breaks). Most of the lines could easily come from either of them to the other. Gets at the emotion of following each other and doing life together (will you follow?)

What if I told you, everything we built will slowly fade away? And if I hold you, I swear everything I touch it breaks But it you close your eyes and take my hand We could learn from our mistakes

If you jump, I'll follow If you jump, I'll follow

What if I told you, everything that's gold is sure to fade If I hold you, what if I hold you 'til we're old and grey? But if you close your eyes and take my hand We could learn from our mistakes

If you jump, I'll follow If I jump, will you follow? 

Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans 

See below under Malcolm & Gil - really good for canon friendship/ partnership with Dani & Bright

Hush Hush - The Band CAMINO

This one is absolutely perfect for building tension between the two of them either for pre-brightwell or established Brightwell – Especially if they’re hiding it from the rest of the team. It’s perfect for something hot yet playful, or just completely angsty. It’s… well, you’ll see. Give it a listen!

I caught your eye across the room No one can feel the tension between me and you There's no need to mention all the things I wanna do You wanna do 'em too We both know we'd be over if they knew Yeah, we both know we'd be over if they knew

Hush, hush Don't give it away We'll both be better off if no one knows Hush, hush Got nothin' to say Just keep it to yourself 'til we get home Don't touch they're looking your way If anybody asks, we left alone Hush, hush Don't give it away Hush, hush Don't give it away

Honest - The Band CAMINO

This one right here – the ENTIRE song is 100% for those storylines that has the two of them attempting ‘no strings attached’ and casual without all the emotions that we KNOW are there. Perfect for leading into a change from casual to serious :) Here’s just a portion

Are we something to each other Or are we just blowing smoke? Are we caught between the covers Or is there something more going on in between us, or not? Is it just on the surface, or what?

We should be honest 'Cause sometimes I can't tell Do we really want this Or are we lying to ourselves? Is it the burning hearts alone in the dark That make the midnight call? Now we're caught between the real thing And nothing at all So we should be honest

Do you feel it when you kiss me? 'Cause I know you do somehow I don't know when we go where we got But we're both here somehow And I thought it was nothing until now

What I Want - The Band CAMINO

Some feels for break up/ fight Brightwell and perfect for Dani’s POV when he moves onto Eve shortly after saying he’d try to do better at them and that she’s the one he likes talking to.

You told me to love, but I won't It doesn't seem right, no and I'll never get what I want if I can't on my own I took a chance on a feeling But here I am feeling alone

If Im James Dean, Then You’re Audrey Hepburn - Sleeping With Sirens 

For when Malcolm is serious about them and really needs Dani to stay – most important line in this is ‘Cant promise that things wont be broken’ For serious, and fluff:)

They say that love is forever Your forever is all that I need Please stay as long as you need Can't promise that things won't be broken But I swear that I will never leave Please stay forever with me

The way that we are It's the reason I stay As long as you're here with me I know we'll be okay The way that we are Is the reason I stay As long as you're here with me I know I'll be okay

Another Nightmare - Sleeping With Sirens

It’s not hard for Bright to be a MESS - whether you're sticking with canon storylines or adding your own, he probably thinks he's an absolute nightmare to everyone around him, especially Dani.

Nobody's perfect, there's no excuse I've been such a fucking nightmare to you But I promise if you let me in (let me in, let me in) I will never ever hurt you again

Malcolm & Martin (as portrayed on the show - not going near that NOTP)

Monsters - All Time Low (Explicit language)

This song perfectly - 99% - describes the relationship between Malcolm and Martin  (aside from the ‘in the sheets’ reference STAY THE FRICK AWAY NOTP). What I like the most about this matching their relationship is the fact that it acknowledges that Malcolm keep letting himself go back to Martin and let him hurt him (although I know a good deal of that is Martins manipulation controlling Malcolm). Go listen to the whole thing - its new music and its beautiful.

Another day, 'nother headache in this hangover hotel Gettin' used to the rhythm, yeah, I know this beat too well Tunnel visions got me feeling, like you're the only one I see But I know what's missing, where I'm swimmin' In my lonely luxury

Why am I a sucker for all your lies? Strung out like laundry on every line Why do I come back to you, like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?

I'm addicted to the way you hurt, the way you contradict me I swear everything look worse at night, I think I'm overthinking I don't care who I might hurt along the way, I'm fuckin' sinking Into every word, I don't care if you lyin' when I'm drinking So, tell me pretty lies, look me in my face Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake 

A Trophy Father’s Trophy Son - Sleeping With Sirens

The actual context of the song doesn’t fit to this situation, since Martin was taken away rather than leaving his family on his own but the emotion behind the words as if they were coming from Malcolm is exactly the same: losing a father. Perfect for young Malcolm as well as current day.

Father, father, tell me where have you been? Its been hell not having you here I've been missing you so bad And you don't seem to care When I go to sleep at night, you're not there When I go to sleep at night, do you care?

I need to know, I need to know Why are you walking away? Was it something I did? Did I make a mistake cause I'm trying to deal with the pain I don't understand this, is this how it ends? I will try to understand

Blood Lines - Sleeping with Sirens

Doesn’t need any more explanation than the statement Martin made that haunts him ‘We are the same’

No matter what I do, you will never ever be like me And I will never be like you (like you)

Malcolm

Who Will Pray? - We Came As Romans

Not in a religious context at all. Definitely a song on the more glum/ angsty side to describe Malcolm and how he feels about himself in relation to everyone around him.

We share our days Together now the sun is gone am I Another left here on my own alone And I'm slowly sinking

Scared to say What I'm feeling is the truth I need to face reality I choose to use to trick myself again into thinking

Short of breath and pulse erratic The weight of my chest, I'm slightly panicked

If I start to fade, gone without a trace Who will pray for me tomorrow? If I fall too far, disappear in the dark Who will pray for me tomorrow? 

Blood Lines - Sleeping With Sirens

Just some lyrics I found that accurately describe Malcolm – ‘Why do I try to save everyone I meet?’ evidenced by his talking down of their killer in every episode, and his ‘someone breaks us’ in the pilot as he tried to talk that killer down.

Why do I try to save everyone I meet? Is it because they are just like me? (Just like me) Same tracks, wrong side of the street Not typical in the way that we speak When you always expect to lose You don't give a fuck what they think of you It's written in our DNA Are we just born this way?

Malcolm & Gil (AS THEYRE PORTRAYED ON THE SHOW, PEOPLE, still not going near that NOTP)

Never Let Me Go - We Came As Romans

This one actually fits any caring relationship with Bright, especially with Gil, and his canon friendship/ partnership with Dani. 

The POV in the chorus changes halfway through, as an answer to the person saying ‘dont let me go’ so I see that as being them telling Malcolm they wont let him go.

My body shivers at the thought of getting up My heart is starting to accept that I am giving up No strength left Is it over yet? Am I thinking with my heart or with my head? Through distance, you remind me that

Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me go

So hold me close and never let me, never let me go At my lowest of lows, when I need you the most So let's reverse, could you look for me, could you look for me first? I will hold you close, I will never let you go I will never let you go I will never let you go

My hands welcome yours as you begin to see me My heart is starting to accept your rescue completely This new life that you placed in my heart I hope that I will make it through to you And in my steps you will follow behind, Oh Don't let me go! 

Malcolm & JT (Once again - as they’re portrayed on the show)

Agree to Disagree - Sleeping With Sirens

Doesn't entirely fit them where they are at now, but it’s perfect for how JT viewed him pretty early on

You think you're better than me? You don't like what you see? I think it's best we agree to disagree I'm doing fine by myself I never asked for your help I think it's best we agree to disagree

Songs that I’m getting paring/ character vibes from but I have no explanation why: 

For a While - The Band CAMINO (Brightwell)

See Through - The Band CAMINO (Brightwell)

[tetrakys]

Im curious to know which is the aesthetic/appareance you have for your Candy? Like She looks like you(with purple hair,ect..) or you have different Candies with different appareance for every LIs?

I have 9 Candys and they are all very different from each other, some were inspired by my own aesthetic tastes, others are completely different. I don’t usually create OCs now I give specific personalities, but in time I realised that I have a sort of headcanon for my girls. Ever watched Ocean’s 11? One day I started thinking, what if my Candys decided to rob a casino, what would their roles be? So let me introduce you my girls 😁 (in their winter/Christmas style)

Tetrakys1

She’s my first girl, has a classical romantic goth style, lots of corsets and long skirts, jet black hair, eyes and clothes. This is basically what I looked like around when I started playing MCL. She’s Lys’ girl (technically on Rayan’s route now, but only for language convenience, I don’t consider her Rayan’s). She’s the boss, the head of my robbers gang 😃 the brains, she devices the plan and puts together the group.

Tetrakys 2

When I realised I had completely fucked up my chances to get with Castiel because he was such an ass at the beginning in HSL (and at the same time I’d made it to episode 4 and instantly fell in love with Lys), I made another Candy and cheated my way through Pikachu’s heart. She’s the Harley Quinn of the group, punk/rock style, wears lots of red, uses seduction as a weapon, a little unstable, and a real talent with blades 👀 but also poisons, and guns (only when she has to).

Tetrakys3

She’s Nath’s girl, very heavy metal (she’s had purple hair longer than I have), her colour palette includes mostly black and purple. She’s the hacker of the group. I.Q. of 170 and a real genius.

Now, these three ladies are all a combination of my own style and aesthetics. The next ones are very different from me.

Tetrakys4

This was basically the account I had created to keep up with releases on Amour Sucré at the time the other servers were behind. She’s now Priya’s girlfriend (no ex). She’s the most feminine of my Candys, in a more traditional way. Very nurturing and maternal, lots of pastel colours (mostly white, pink and light blue). She’s the one who takes care of everyone else in the gang, the one who makes sure everyone is fed and healthy. She’d also be the medic when things inevitably turn to shit during the heist.

Tetrakys5

She’s Kentin’s girl (currently on Hyun’s route, but again same thing as before applies, I don’t really consider her Hyun’s girlfriend). Her main colours are dark and light blue, and white. Her style is also pretty feminine, bon ton skits, heels and glasses. Almost like a hot secretary, which she kinda is, because she’s the studious, super organised one. She’s the one who takes care of all the practicalities of the heist. For example, they need a black van to escape? She already has three different options lined up and has already studied everything about the best wheels and escape routes. If you ever watched Magicians, she’s basically Alice Quinn in both style and personality.

Tetrakys6

Armin’s girl. She had long light red/orange hair in HS and cut and dyed them pink when she went to uni. She’s kinda of a slob and spends her time lazying around, playing videogames or going out drinking. This is why she’s useful in the gang, she’s basically a social butterfly, she knows everyone everywhere, or she knows someone who knows someone. You need access to the casino? Leave it to her. Need to know about the cleaning company working there in order to infiltrate? She’ll be drinking buddy with half of the staff by the end of the week and gather all the deets. Also pretty good at pick-pocketing. She’s best friend with Tetrakys2 because they both use a sly but different way to get information and target people. She fights all the time with Tetrakys5 because she considers her a stuck-up, borderline OCD know-it-all, while Tetrakys5 thinks she just wastes time all day. Her style is punk/hobo/geek.

Now we get to my currently unactive Candys.

Tetrakys7

She is who I consider Rayan’s girl (and will actually replay his route with her if we ever get the old crushes back). She has a mature and adult style and attitude. For some reason, her whole closet is mostly all shades of green. She’s a master forger, not only she could make an exact replica of any art piece, but she can disguise herself perfectly, blend with the environment and resemble anyone. She’s good friend and confidante with Tetrakys1.

Tetrakys8

She is the muscle of the group. No subtlety at all, she’s very good at bursting her way through using weapons or fists. I created her because I wanted to test what would happen following Castiel’s route as Lysander’s ex. I didn’t even make it to episode 5 because the answer is NOTHING. It’s never acknowledged. Aesthetically I had Beyonce in mind when I created her, but style-wise she’s more sporty and ungraceful. She wears lots of gold, brown and orange.

Tetrakys9

She’s Hyun’s girl and I’m going to use her to replay his route if we ever get the old crushes back. Her style is girly but also womanly, let’s say womanly cute. Lots of grey and yellow. She’s the explosive expert of the gang. Also quite agile, she sneaks into small spaces and makes them kaboooom.

—

And this is it. I probably gave more details than you asked for anon 😅 but I’d had this heist thing on my mind for a while now and had to share.

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[cybernightwanderer]

Asking help from my mother in anything goes like this : ( Also social security in Portugal are the new “ Loan Sharks ?“ )

So our goverment is doing a witch hunt on people who took medical leaves this year. I took 1 month and a half of medical leave because i suddently stopped walking, and the recovery was , and still is a mess, and i still havent had treatment because it got canceled due to Codv, i literally just have pain killers, that im allergic to half. But nonetheless i got back to work ( as you know from previous posts i am a cook) , after 2 months on in and out. I went to the medical avaluation first month and they said it was not justified for me to be on medical leave, so they cut it. Blah blah i went to work early, started having even more problems, started not being able to walk again and so on. Basicly very complicated fight with the social security deparment. Because they kept saying i was lying and that i was good to work. Even tho i went to the hospital a few times, sick of the medication or because i couldnt walk again. And mostly because i could even barely stand while working even with 8 pain killers that they gave me. Few months in April they told me to send ALL the medical documents. And the funny thing is, the medical documents are a fucking joke, for example i was taken to the hospital because i couldnt walk, and was in excrucial pain, yet somehow the ER doctors noted that “ i was ok , not in  great pain “ , yet i was literally paralized in my leggs from the pain, and crying in pain non stop everytime someone moved me the slightest. Moving forward. they thanked me for sending all the documents and said they would let me know. Ok so they sent me a new letter this week threatning me , to send new documents because they werent enough. That the documents i sent didnt justify ENOUGH. I mean....it had back exams, legg exams, medical treatments that went consistently wrong, the hospital documents regarding my ambulance , and my ER trips ( NOT ONE TRIP , BUT MULTIPLE ), my doctors document saying i had starters of another back hernia, and my legg liggaments were inflated and damaged. I mean, THATS NOT ENOUGH? ok So i kindly sent an email asking, what was missing. So now i have to ask my doctor to make a timeline detailed document regarding the situation. But for no reason because the Social Security will and just wants to force me to pay it all back, probably because they r short on money in this lay off season , i dont know. And me being the socialy anxious and panicking over this situation i asked my mom to call our family doctor to write a new report because his was a little BLANT apparently. Even tho at the time i asked him to make it very detailed, yet my mom kept yelling at me to shut up and not to waste the doctors time and because it made no sense to make a detailed report. However maybe now she clearly sees that was not the case and that i was right that time. So yesteday she said she would call this morning, ok all good. I woke up , she called me over to the living room, and the conversation went like: Mom calls me over tells me its abou the doctor call. Me - So you called the doctor? Mom - No, you have to ask the doctor for medicine or complain about your back or something, you cant show up just asking for a document. Me - No, why would i ask medicine if i dont need, and he is our family doctor i can just---- interrupted me with an loud and agressive tone. Mom - you cant do that the doctor wont see you , thats wasting his time, thats not how you do things blah blah blah. ( i mean he is a family doctor, and this is just as important as medicine?? im being scammed and harrassed by Social Security?!! ) Me - No you say that you need medicine to the entry registration not the doctor, you have to be honest to the doctor, and its a social security matter, he will know its important, legal shit is important. - she interrupts me again but yelling this time.

And i straight up say : Stop being stupid. And she starts threatning me and blah blah blah. And tells me she wont call the doctor, and refused to help me. So i sayd “ ok “ and went to my room. First of all, its only the third time in my life that i ever call a name to my mom or “offend” her in any sort of way. The names i called my mom were : a monster ( one or two times loudly, but i do call her always in my mind, she beat me up or called me a piece of shit ) And the other it wasnt a name , i just told her i hated her. My mom, my whole living life as called me the fallowing multiple times across the years, some daily , some monthly : A Bitch. An ungratefull piece of shit. A piece of shit ( Also most used one ) Yelling in my face agressivly saying “ YOU ARE SHIT” ( never forgot this one , she did it for a whole month ) Dumb ( this is her most used one, specially when i was just a little child lol ) A lazy fuck ( when  i started having depression and during my depression episodes , such as not being able to get out of bed and stuff ) Irresponsable ( because i dont have a second job, even tho i work 12 hours daily and leave home at 7 am and get back at 2/3 am ) Uselesss ( many many times ) And ofc many sub versions of these ones for specific ocasions. And i have been hearing these since i was in my 3/4 grade LOL, basicly a baby child. And now for the past hour has entered my room acting like a VICTIM, like shes an actual victim of abuse LOL  And now is asking if i called the doctor. BITCH I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR, my fucking crippling anxiety doesnt let me, thats why i asked you. FFS

So now im stuck, i need to call the doctor, but i cant... so im just panicking.... 

[littlebitoffanfic]

Secrets part 2

Fandom: IT Characters: Reg, Vic, Henry, Patrick Relationship: Reg/reader Request: Awwww, this was cute. Stupid (reg, you're an idiot) but cute. A couple spelling/grammar issues but not enough to really RUIN the flow, just a couple hiccups. I'd love a "part two" where we actually see them walk into school holding hands+reg introducing you to the group. Oooooo... I kinda, also, wanna see how it all went down too! Like, the boys showed up and reader got shoved out the back. Reg said that Patrick went upstairs and discovered reader's clothes. I kinda wanna see Reg's thoughts from the kitchen scene onwards. Like he realizes the boys are here, kicks her out the back, he thinks everything's good, then Patrick goes upstairs and finds her underwear, Reg mentally freaks out before he explains, then the boys all "congratulate him on getting laid" and tell him they wanna meet her xP ... I just got waaaay too into this xD AN: part 1: http://littlebitoffanfic.tumblr.com/post/183504437734/secrets “You’re beautiful. “ He mumbled as he buried his face into your neck, enjoying the smell mixture of sex and him on your skin. The soft giggle that left your lips made his heart race. Not matter how many times he managed to make you laugh, he still took some form of pride in it. When you twisted in his arms to kiss him, it made his whole body tense up. He couldn’t even begin to count how many times you had kiss him but he cherished every one. Forcing himself to relax so he could kiss you back, enjoying how the kiss seemed to be a little more lazy and laid back than normal. It was normally a good sign that you were satisfied and happy. IN a moment, his world was perfect. But then he heard them. He snapped back from the kiss. They had never been quiet people. He could heard Patricks cracking from a mile away. Shit. His mind began to race as he froze up. He fought so hard to keep you away from the guys, but he never thought they would come to his house tonight. He didn’t tell them his mother was away and it was late. There was no real reason for them to come for him. He knew there was no point try to figure out why they were here when he heard your voice, pulling him back into the room. “Baby?” but then you froze, hearing what he had heard. Reg’s eyes fell on your appearance. Your flushed cheeks, the soft bite marks on your neck and shoulders that would have been gone by school, his shirt which draped off your shoulder and only really covered the bare minimum. He needed to get you out of here. Henry and Vic would be bad enough, but Patrick was something completely different. If they came in, saw you and even if they left straight away, he was sure the news would get around the school quickly. Sure, he would be fine, just getting a pat on the back, but you would probably be branded a slut. It was the way things worked at school. The guys gets the glory and the girls gets degraded unless theres already a relationship there and everyone knew about it. You were sweet and soft, popular to the point that you slipped under the radar of the gang for not being a loser but not popular enough for everyone to pay attention to you. And that’s how you liked it. He didn’t want to cause you any issues or to hurt your reputation. Reg did the only thing he could think off as he moved across the kitchen, away from you to grab some clothes. “You have to go.” Reg told you, not meaning to snap but he couldn’t take it back now. “w-what?” You gasped at him and he felt your eyes burning a hole in the back of his head. “Its dark and the middle of winter. It was fucking snowing yesterday. And im only wearing this!” You gestured to the top you wore as Reg started to pull on some of the clothes. “im sorry, I really am. But-“ He was cut off when the sound of the front door opening and Patrick called into the house. “Belch!” Fear flooded through Regs body as he did the only thing that made any sense in that moment. He moved quickly to you, grabbed your wrists and shoved you out the back door. Guilt flooded through his body when he saw the shocked and hurt in your eyes. he couldn’t take it, pulling the curtain across the door. It was partly so the guys wouldn’t see you, but also so he couldn’t. Maybe, if he had had more time, he might have been able to devise a better plan. But this was the best he could do. Before he could give any more thought to it, Patrick, Henry and Vic came into the kitchen. “We shouted on you.” Henry partly scolded but Reg understood why they were here. Henry had a new and particularly nasty bruise on his forehead and leading down to his eye which was blackened. His father had kicked him out again. “You want some ice?” Reg offered and Henry gave a single nod. If anyone else had been around, henry would have refused. Reg went to his freezer and pulled out a bag of ice. He grabbed a clean towel and took a handful of the ice, placing it in the centre of the towel. He wrapped it up and gave the cold bundle to Henry. He took it with a small nod of appreciation. “You’re mom not in?” Vic asked, glancing around. “No, she had to go away.” Reg shook his head. There was no point in lying. They would have seen her car wasn’t in the driveway. “Why didn’t you tell us?” Patrick whined, looking for any excuse to throw a house party even if it wasn’t his house. “She only decided to go today.” Reg lied. They didn’t need to know that he had known for a little over a week. “well then, I’ll go take a slash in the fancy toilet.” Patrick smirked, head to the stairs as Reg rolled his eyes. The downstairs toilet was small, having been fitted in an old cupboard. The upstairs bathroom, however, was big with both a walk in shower and a bath. Regs mom didn’t like people going to the upstairs one if she was in simply because it was right by the bedrooms and she didn’t want them sticking their heads in to her room. Reg leaned against the side while Vic told him about how Henry had nearly broken his window throwing stones to get his attention. the story caused some laugher from both Reg and Henry but then Reg heard that soft cackle from Patrick which he had learned to hate. Looking at the door to the kitchen, he saw Patrick was back with his hands behind his back. “You’ll never guess what I found?” Patrick looked at Henry and Vic with a raised eyebrow and smirk on his lips. “Belch’s mums pants?” Henry smirked as he joked. Reg rolled his eyes, flipping Henry off. It was a common thing between the group. no matter whos house they were at, it was vics mums dildo, Patricks mums vibrator ect. It was just a joke. “Well, I don’t think they are his moms.” Patrick pulled your pink, lace underwear and matching bra from behind his back. Regs face fell as he felt his heart sink. Patrick was right, they couldn’t possibly be his moms because you were so much smaller than his mom. They had also been on the floor in his room. The kitchen fell silent as all eyes moved to Reg. “Holy shit, dude.” Vic exclaimed, his voice showing shock and admiration. “Who is she?” “Fuck who she is. Where is she?” Henry asked, raising an eyebrow as his eyes darted to the kitchen table. “She left.” Reg chocked out, only because he knew they would tear the house apart to find you. “Without her clothes?” Patrick winked at him and Reg frowned. “No, she had a spare. Had to leave for an emergency.” Reg growled a little, angry and frustrated with Patrick who instantly picked up on it. “I just walked past your room and saw her clothes thrown on the floor. Not my fault you left the door open.” Patrick shrugged and Reg moved from the side to grab your underwear out of Patricks hands. “Congrats on getting laid!” Vic playfully punches Reg in the arm with a smile. “yeah, especially by whoever wears those.” Henry smirks, bringing the pack away from his eye to look at the underwear in his hand. “Thanks.” Reg couldn’t help but smile a little, however wrong it was. He was suddenly bombarded with questions from the group. “Who is she?” “Do we know her?” “Does she go to our school?” “Have you fucked her before?” “was she any good?” “When will you see her again?” “Can we meet her?” “Stop!” Reg demanded as he walked into the living room. They followed him and saw the small bag that was sitting beside the sofa. You had left it there when you had dragged Reg upstairs. He pushed the pieces of clothing into the bag and made a mental note to get the clothes you had left upstairs as well. When he straightened up, he knew he had to answer some of their questions. He considered lying, but then he remembered the day before. you had asked him if he would ever tell his friends about you. You wanted people to know you were dating him because you were proud of the relationship. You didn’t mind sneak about, but it would be nice to go into town together and go to the movies without having to go in separate. He knew you would be angry, but he decided that it would be easier to tell them now. “You know [y/n] from school?” Reg asks, glancing over his shoulder at his friends before turning to them. “the [h/c] girl? The one in your history class?” Vic asks, surprising Reg a little. Vic had always been the most perceptive of the group. “Yeah, its her.” Reg tell him, hoping the others knew who Vic was going on about. “Wait, [y/n]? Shes sleeping with you?” Henry raises an eyebrow and Reg understands what he means. You were hot, and no one would have put you and Reg together. You were the type that would end up with the football players. “Yeah, for a while now.” Reg nodded. “Why didn’t you tell us?” Vic protested, seeming insulted. “Because I know what you guys are like. Shes real sweet and I didn’t want you guys to scare her off.” Reg tell them and Vic give a few nods, apparently agreeing with him. “Well, can we meet her now?” Vic asks. “Shes not here.” Reg frowns, thinking Vic has missed the moments in the kitchen. “No, at school? She can start hanging out with us, if you’s two are a thing.” Vic looks to Henry and Patrick who nod a little. Reg didn’t like the smile that Patrick had, but he knew the others were genuine and would want to meet you. “I don’t know. If things are fine between me and her, sure.” He nods, and the group seems to know that whatever he meant, they probably wouldn’t find out tonight. He would go round to yours in the morning, try and sort things out. He just hoped you would be able to forgive him. -----------time skip (after part 1) --------------- Everyone’s eyes fell on the girl who had stepped out of Regs car. It was almost like you were some celebrity who had just stepped foot in the school. Many of the students knew you, but never would have expected this. Reg walked round the car, a soft smile on his lips. “You okay?” He asks, still unsure if you should be back at school just yet, but you nodded. “Yeah, never better.” You smile. News got around that you had been sick, but no one had put your sickness and Regs absents together. Until they saw you walking hand in hand with Reg into the school. Your heart was hammering in your chest and eyes followed you in shock. But as you looked up at Reg, you noticed he had a new sense of pride in the way he walked iwhrt you by his side. before you even knew what was happening, Reg stopped in front of a group. It took you a moment to realize you were standing in front of the infamous Bowers gang. You had walked past them many times, but normally your eyes were drawn to Reg who would smile a little when he saw you. You never really had to look at the rest of them. now you felt like you were standing in front of the firing squad. “This is [y/n].” Reg took charge of the introduction which you were more than grateful for. “[y/n], that’s Henry, Patrick and Vic.” He pointed to each one respectively as he spoke. “I guess we’ll be seeing a lot of you then.” Vic smiles at you with a nod. “I mean, you guys saw my underwear. There isn’t much more to see.” You shrug, glancing over your shoulder just to make sure no one was listening too closely. But you were drawn back when the group laughed, finding your sarcasm humorous. You took a spot between Vic and Reg and slipped into the group with ease after that with no more secrets.

[utopianvoices]

seven things | h.hyunjin

↭ genre: enemies to lovers au (kinda); fluff

↭ word count: 4.27k (i might’ve gone slightly crazy)

↭ a/n: yEs i is back!!!! here’s a hyunjin scenario that i don’t really like to make up for my disappearance from posting works :D i’m writing this on a whim so it might seem like i’m on crack but really it’s just me on a daily basis,, also this turned out way longer than i expected whoOps

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

ok so

you were waiting outside the cafe that you and hyunjin usually go to

and y’all might be wondering 

why don’t you just go in??

that’s what i’m wondering too

well because

your best friend was late,,, for the 3rd time that week

and to say you were pissed was an understatement

just as you whipped your phone out to message that not so little nuisance, you heard rushed footsteps getting closer and closer

and you turn just in time to get aTTACKEd by this boy

“i’m SO sorry y/n i overslept and like i really tried to come on time but then the bus was late too and-”

“just stfu and never talk to me again”

well then

“noOOoOo y/n don’t say that i’m so sorry. i promise i’ll try my best not to be late from now onwards :(”

and like you really wanted to be mad at him

really

but he was pouting and your heart was going boom boom

because he just looked really adorable

so you just ended up going “ugh fine”

which was the cOmplete opposite of this whole speech you had planned in your head

about how you were going to stop being friends with him and move to another continent,,,,,,,,,,

yea maybe that wasn’t such a good speech

but you weren’t going to let him go that easily too

so, you being the absolute tease 

“you know i think it was better when we hated each other”

oUCh

and hyunjin being the drama king he is

decides to go overboard and clutches his chest, staggering around the entrance of the cafe

you just roll your eyes and walk into the cafe,,, ignoring the poor boy outside

as you scan the cafe for seats, you feel a weight on your shoulder

“you know the feeling of hate was never mutual”

and you look up to look at the party responsible for this new burden

and well let’s just say you were about to combust on the spot

because your best friend was one good looking boy

and like all this violent rush of thoughts took you back to when the only “feelings” you had for him was hate

*cue flashback* i suck at transitions im sOrry

so you were just chilling in class,,, minding your own business as you doodle on your book

when the school’s most popular girl decides to spill her salad juice or whatever disgusting green thing she was drinking, all over your papers 

and i mean, accidents happen ofc and you’re TOTALLY willing to let it go

if she had apologised

IF

but she was clearly too popular for petty things like apOlogies 

so you just open your mouth to fire at her when she cuts you right off

“that was my only juice, but i’ll forgive you since i’m so kind”

and you just stare at her like she grew 3 heads bcs

how is one so dUMb

“oH that was juice??? i thought you were drinking vomit, you know since it kinda matches up with your personality?”

oH no one messes with you

and you were trying really hard to hold your laughter in, because you were the sAss master and no one stood a chance against you

but she just whined like a little girl, with no proper comeback to match up to yours

“hyunjin baby!!! aren’t you going to say anything?!”

and you just realised the being standing behind her,,,, hwang hyunjin

soccer team’s star player/captain and pretty much the most popular boy

half the school was drooling whenever he passed by

and i mean,,, it’s not like the girls didn’t have good taste or anything of that sort

because this boy was sculpted by the gOds,,,, and you would be lying if you didn’t let yourself glance at him a little longer than needed when passing by

but like all cliche stories, the most popular girl and the most popular boy were dating

i mean,,, cmOn it’s a given

till this day you were still wondering how in heavens they ended up together,,, one’s a plain bitch and the other,,, well, not so much of an asshole

but all thoughts of him potentially being nice unlike his girlfriend flew out of the window in like a millisecond 

“hey y/n maybe you shouldn’t have left your bag to block the aisles”

bij say whAT

first of all,,, your bag was tucked close to your table, bcs you were a responsible student who cared for the well-being of other students,,, most of the time

second of all,,, how did he know your name?? 

you were pretty sure you never mentioned it

but as these thoughts were running through your head, rendering you silent,,, the bij thought she had “won” and took hyunjin’s hand with a smug face, walking off 

and you were too busy caught up in your own thoughts to notice the apologetic look hyunjin was desperately trying to get across to you,,,, 

but you knew one thing for sure after that small incident

you hated hwang hyunjin

call yourself a niggling bij but that’s just you,,, you gotta deal with what you gotta deal

so since that day, every time you glanced at hyunjin, your glance turned into a glare and you made sure he caught that “glance” before you broke eye contact and stormed off

your petty-meter was seriously off charts,,,,,

and it pains you to admit it but mAyhaps the reason you were so pissed was because you had this teeeeeeeeeny tiny crush on him, just like the rest of the girls in the school

because although he was a jock and dating that evil witch, he seemed nice to enough to smile at anyone who made eye contact with him and like,,,, basically for being the opposite of being a generic athletic jerk

but nAh that one sentence was enough to snap you out of your delulu and go about your own day,,,, ya know, hating hyunjin and stuff

the usual

so this goes on for weeks, you giving hyunjin your famous glare and hyunjin feeling his heart break every time you do it,,,, bcs he’s never had anyone hate him before

one day you were at the library, rushing your assignments bcs dAmn the queen of sass was also a queen of procrastination

like mate, stop procrastinating

you binge-watched your show over the weekends and now you were seated at the library, regretting your life decisions

and you’re so focused like, it’s a miracle that you’re that focused

but some iDIOT just breaks that focus by sitting from across you on YOUR table

who dares

you look, ready to snap at this soul when you realise who it was

oh

“hey y/n,,, can i sit here?”

“funny how you do it and then ask for permission”

at this hyunjin gives you a sheephish smile and goes

“well i had a hunch you wouldn’t have said yes if i had asked first”

“ding ding ding!!!!!! you’ve got the correct answer and earned yourself no shits from me!”

at this, you go back to your work, ignoring the cute pout hyunjin was now sporting because of your ignorance

3 minutes later and you’re disrupted again

“hey y/n,,, i’m sorry for what happened between you and her,,, i really didn’t mean to say that. i just wanted to let you know that i broke it off with her.”

“oh wow congrats”

you hear him sigh, feeling triumphant that you had gotten him to give up talking to you

well spoiler, you wERE WRONG

not even 2 minutes later

“hey, do you have a pen i can borrow? i lost mine,”

“hey do you know what this means”

“hey-”

tHAT WAS IT

“omG hyunjin i’m trying to finish my assignment will you just shut up for a while? like literally i’m willing to do anything to get you to shut up”

you furiously look back down at your assignment, wanting to get it over and done

and then you hear it

you hear him clearing his voice,,, indicating that he was about to speak again

just as you were about to cut him off

“anything?”

wut,,,,,

“what do you mean, anything?”

“you said you’ll do anything to get me to shut up. will you really?”

“ofC not what do you take me for??”

“okay then i guess i’ll just continue talking :>”

bOi

that did it for you

you slammed your book shut, and looked up at him, narrowing your eyes suspiciously

“what’s your deal?”

at this, hyunjin looks away, thinking for a while

just as you were starting to get impatient, he speaks up

“okay. okay okay okay. this is the deal. i’ll stop talking for the rest of the day if you promise that we can be friends. and that you won’t hate me anymore.”

well that was unexpeCTED

but you weren’t that easy

nah uh

“wOw you’re asking for a lot huh,,, hmmm let’s see,,,,,,,,,, no.”

and just as you were about to pack your stuff and move to another table, you hear something that stops you from moving

“i’ll help you with your assignment. i’ve already finished mine so it’ll be a piece of cake.”

now THAT was a good offer

“but i only help my friends with their assignments”

this lil sHIT

well played hwang hyunjin, well played *slowly claps*

you watched as he smirked at you, knowing that he had caught your weak spot

you had an internal debate with yourself, and finally came to a decision

will you regret this decision??

probably

but you were desperate

so you stare at him for a few seconds before extending your hand

“deal.”

he breaks out into a grin and grabs your hand, sealing the deal and the start of a new friendship

that night, just as you were about to sleep after that oh so eventful day you had, you hear your phone chime

you groan as you reach out, wanting to make as little movement as possible bcs,,,, you were lazy

you grab your phone by the tips of your fingers and check your messages

hyunjin: hey this is my address! [address]. see ya tmrw bestie <3

you roll your eyes at his attempts and type one letter before throwing your phone to the side and drifting off to dreamland, with a slight smile on your lips

you: k

the next morning,, you are there at hyunjin’s front door, right on time

bUt why aren’t you pressing the doorbell???? 

let’s be real,,, underneath all that sass, you were just a nervous teenage girl

before you could chicken out and leave, you smack yourself and press the doorbell

a few seconds later the door opens,, and you come face to face with a middle-aged woman

“hi dear, what can i do for you?”

aWkwArd,,,,

“uhm,,, i’m here to work on an assignment with hyunjin??”

“oh! hyunjin didn’t mention anything, but come right in!”

that little piece of uncultured swine

you walk into the house and stand around awkwardly, not knowing what to do or say

when his mother points you to his room, and lets you know that he’s probably still sleeping with a small shake of her head

hmMm looks like him oversleeping happens often

you contemplated if you should go in,,, cause ya know, privacy and shit

but you had to get your revenge??? obviously

so you silently walk in to the room and voila 

there was that sleeping lump, sprawled across a queen sized bed

as you get closer, you can’t help but notice just how good looking he was

i mean sUre you’ve seen him around in school but

with the amount of peace he had on his face,,, he looked almost ethereal

but with that thought, you snapped out of it

bcs exCuse yOu

you’re here for revenge

not to admire the boy

so you carefully lift your leg,,, and muster all the strength in the world

and BAM

you just kicked him off the bed,,, him falling onto the floor with a loud thud

and it did the trick !!!!

he shot right up and looked around, vision hazy and mind still blurred

just as he was starting to come to his senses, his eyes focus on the one girl standing on the other side of the bed,, smirk evident on her face

“that’s what you get for leaving me alone with the adults in the house”

and you walk right out,, leaving him to stare at you speechless 

time skip,,,, 5 hours later, and you’re all done with your assignment

and although you hated to admit it

it turned out pretty fricking amazing

thanks to your brain, your hardwork, a bit of hyunjin, but mostly your perseverance :D

oK but real talk literally you were screwed if he didn’t help so

you kinda owed him big time

“look man, thanks a lot for your help. i would have died without you”

and hyunjin just counters this statement with a smile and shakes his head, letting you know that it was okay

and you kindA felt bad,,,, i mean, you did try and kill him with your glares the past few weeks

and you weren’t thAt mean

so,,,

“uhm,,, do you think,, maybe,, we could start over? hard feelings forgotten?”

and this takes hyunjin by total surprise,,, like all he ever wanted was just to talk to you after seeing you stare him down the past few weeks

but he’d be lying if he said that his heart wasn’t bursting for joy bcs !!!! yay!!!! you didn’t hate him anymore!!!!! what a baby boy

so y’all start over that very day,,, and as expected, hit it off almost immediately

*end flashback*

sO back to now where you have an amazing best friend

pshhh best friend they say

what no i didn’t say anything

n E ways

oK fine,,, on top of him being your best friend, it was really no surprise that you fell for him

i mean cmon

he’s sweet

talented

bEautiful

and etc

but like bij nAh, you were never planning to confess bcs bij??? that could ruin your friendship????

everybody facepalm with me

so you just keep it a secret and try to live with it

except it was reaaally hard to keep it a secret

bcs you saw him almost every. single. day

he’s always asking you to do something with him

getting ice cream,, watching a movie,, going to the park

you even learned how to play soccer bcs he insisted on teaching you

but despite all this, you were still persistent that he saw you as nothing more than a friend,,, and that he did this with all his close friends

news flash: nO he did not

but since it was too much feelings for you to handle, you spill all of this to your other close friend, jisung

and he’s like 

“oOOoO expected,,, why don’t you just confess??”

and you’re like 

“are you duMB? it’s going to ruin our friendship?? i can’t do that??”

and he’s just like

“you’re the dumb one here sis, but go off, i guess”

bCs literally the whole world knew you two had heart eyes for each other

and by whole world, i mean jisung

and being xTra, he’s like,,, you know what?? i gotta get them together

so he “casually” makes a bet with you

and you’re like ooOoO fun

bcs you love bets

mainly has to do with the reason that you hardly ever lose one :>

so when jisung goes “if i get higher than you on this economics test, you gotta text hyunjin 7 reasons why you like him. no explanations given.”

and you really wanna say no and run away

but like

you were no coward

so you’re like “sUre bij bring it on, i was born ready for thi s”

so the day you get back your results, you’re more nervous for the bet than your grades

like you could fail, for all you care

but as long as you failed higher than jisung,, all’s fine

so when you get back your test with a 86 scribbled at the top, you grin to yourself,, convinced that there was no way he was gonna get any higher than you

but as you turn to show him your score,, your smile slowly fades,,,

bcs on his paper

a big red 92 is written at the top, with an ‘excellent’ scribbled next to it

“so,,, y/n,,, ready for what i’ve planned?”

and he’s just grinning like the cheshire cat, with you staring at him in disbelief, mentally counting down to your doom

the next day, you try to convince your mum that you’re down with a really bad disease, which makes it absolutely impossible for you to go school

but your mum ain’t buying that

so there you were, standing at your locker, looking left and right for any signs of han jisung

just as you thought you were safe, you hear someone calling out your name

your face turns white, as you turn around, expecting to come face to face with jisung

but instead you’re met with a raven-haired boy that made your heart beat unnecessarily fast

“whatcha doing today after school??”

and you’re just like qUick think of an excuse

bcs you were in no position to stay with him any longer than necessary for fear that you may just blurt out what you had formed in your head bcs of the bet

“uhhh i’ve got plans with jisung!! we’re gonna go to,, the market! yea!”

seriously,,,, that’s the best you could come up with??

so hyunjin just gives you a really weird look and draws out a “okay,,,,,,,,”

and you’re just like “yea okay bye!!!”

and you run the heCK away

time skip and it’s the end of school

the time which you were dreading,,, because there stood han jisung, waiting for you to confess to your crush

“jisung,,, i really don’t think i can do this,,, can’t i just like, buy you lunch for a week or something?”

“as tempting as that sounds, nO. you’ve gotta do this for yourself, for humanity, and for my sanity. i swear i can’t hear you talking about him again”

at his, you sigh, knowing that he’s right,,, but still not gaining the guts to do it

“come on y/n,,,, you know that on top of me really wanting you to stop bothering me about him, you really gotta get your feelings out of your system,,, you’re not going to be able to keep everything in.”

and although you just wanted to die and chill in heaven at that moment

jisung had a point,,, which was a rare occurrence 

so you decide to listen to him,,, i mean, what’d you got to lose???

maybe your shame

and your precious friendship

but that’s it

so you whip your phone out and press the top contact on your phone

“ok here i go,,,”

“yEs queen!!! get it!”

you briefly roll your eyes at him, before returning your eyes to the screen

the cursor blinking, almost tauntingly

you breathe out and just take it as a platform to let it all out

i love the way you play soccer

ofc you do,,, i’m the best :P

you feel slight relief at his reply, but at the same time, you couldn’t stop the way slight disappointment filled you at his interpretation of you texts

jisung peeked at your phone from over your shoulder, immediately voicing out objections

“come on y/n!! that’s so lame! that barely counts as a confession!”

you groan out loud, and type on your phone, earning a hum of satisfaction from the nosy boy behind you

i love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile 

why, thank you y/n,,,, but what’s with the sudden compliment spree

“ugh, jisung i’m going crazy,,,”

you actually were,,, moments away from throwing your phone into the lake right beside where you were seated

“you got this love,,, just a few more and you can live with no regrets,”

you knew he was right,,, although it was absolutely embarrassing, you know you would regret not telling him in the future

i love the mole underneath your eye

y/n??? c’mon, what’s wrong? are you pranking me right now??

you take a deep breath, and continue on, with the newly found courage

i love the way you pestered me to talk to you even though i was being a complete ass

hey seriously, tell me what’s happening?

i love the way you always manage to put a smile on my face no matter the circumstance

y/n, please,,, don’t fill me with empty hope,, cut it out if you’re pranking me,,,

,,, empty hope? what’s that supposed to mean??

whatever it meant, it sure did it’s part in speeding up your already dying heart 

you suck it up, butterflies growing stronger as you get closer and closer to your last message

i love how my heart speeds up merely at the mention of your name

tell me that this is what i think it means,,,

you stared at your screen, three simple words written out

but your fingers seemed to be jammed, unable to press the send button

was this all just a mistake?? maybe you could just play it off as a prank by jisung

“you got his honey,,, just do it,, press the button” 

and with this encouragement from jisung, you press the send button without further hesitation, feeling as though your heart physically stopped as you observed how the “delivered” changed to “read”, indicating that he had read your message

i love you.

are you for real???? i’m coming to you now. where are you?

you stare at your phone, unable to comprehend what had happened in the past few minutes, as jisung slowly pries your phone from you

he types your whereabouts, as you continue to space out, heart beating at an unusual pace as you still try to process what you just did

“i’m going to leave now okay? just know that i am really proud of what you did,,,, and don’t worry too much, everything will be fine,”

with this, jisung leaves, leaving you to sit there alone, just wondering how things were going to be between you and hyunjin now

were y’all going to stop being friends??

or maybe you could just completely ignore what had happened and go back to being how y’all used to be,,,,

as you were in your own world, you fail to hear the footsteps that stopped right behind you

you hear someone take a seat beside you and whip your head to the side, almost regretting it immediately

“so,,, your messages,,,,”

and before you could do anything else, words just spill from you mouth with no filter whatsover

“i’m so sorry hyunjin, i really am,,, i know that we’ve been really really close friends and i might have just ruined what we had. i understand if you don’t wanna be friends anymore but i guess i hope we could just forget this and move on? i mean, that’s totally your choice because-”

and you’re cut off, just like that

no warning

nothing

zilch

nada

and the only thing that stopped you from continuing your rant was the fact that there a pair of lips on yours

hyunjin’s ones to be exact

whAT

DID WE EXPECT THIS???

yes, yes we did

but you certainly got the answer to your worries by that one action

as y’all break apart, you stare at him still dazed by the kiss, as he smiles lovingly at you

“i was so afraid that you were just pranking me,,, because if you had been, i would’ve been so heartbroken cause i really got my hopes really high,,, like, super high,, i guess i never replied you tho,,,, i love you too y/n. more than you can imagine.”

and you just snap out of it and do something you always do when you had to cope with intense situation

you laughed

you laughed and laughed and laughed

were you laughing at the fact that the person you loved, loved you back?

were you laughing at the fact that jisung was right for once?

or were you laughing at the fact that you were being a dumbass all this while when you could’ve manned up sooner?

you never found out

but what you did find out, is that being in love was amazing

especially when the person you were in love with was hwang hyunjin

so since then, you’ve been having a pretty frickin amazing life

good grades, hot boyfriend, the whole package

the news that you both were dating spread like wildfire

half of them were surprised, the other half jealous

but people were mostly surprised bcs of the fact that they thought you and him were already dating,,,

like you both were glued to each other every other day

so with that, everyone slowly got accustomed to the fact the school’s jock was once again taken

your relationship with hyunjin didn’t actually change that much,,, other than the fact that y’all kissed and did all the mushy shit

and also omg imagine 

you going for his soccer games, sporting his extra jersey that had “hwang” on the back of it, together with the number he was playing

and also him giving you flying kisses right before the starting whistle blows

and running over to you to give you a proper kiss once the final whistle had been blown, win or lose

and you couldn’t have been happier

∞ end ∞

[makknays]

i don’t dance.

requested.

can i request a one-shot taehyung college au? ❤ and angst, please 😇I dont really care about the plot :D it's up to you :)) I love you! youre such a great writer btw!❤

genre: angst?? again im bad at angst

word count: 2k

As if college wasn’t already enough of a pain in the ass, your so-called best friend had fucking bailed on you again. His excuse? He didn’t have one, it was like you weren’t even worth lying to. “Taehyung, you can’t keep bailing on our plans.” you told him over the phone whilst you were starting an assignment. “I’m so sorry, I’m just really busy.” “I know you are, you always are.” “___, please just understand.” “I’m trying but I never see you anymore. This isn’t because I told you I liked you last month was it?” “No, it’s nothing like that. I just- I’m busy, okay? Just wait for me.” It hurt that he was treating you the way he did because he knew how you felt and he pretended that none of those feelings existed, it was so selfish of him.

It never used to be like this; you couldn’t help that you felt the way you did. When you got a glimpse of what a relationship with him would be like your brain just suddenly turned on a switch that activated these feelings for him. He used to come into your dorm and try to rub off your eyebrows whilst you got ready, he would poke at you when some of your skin was exposed due to your cropped hoodie, he would carry you everywhere if you wanted him to and he made you the happiest person in the world but getting that glimpse also broke you apart because you would never truly experience being with him and you had come to terms with that; however, he was the one acting weird, not you.

“Are you coming to the club this Friday?” you asked Taehyung, over the phone. You were always talking over the phone these days since Taehyung never seemed to want to meet in person. “Yeah, should be. It’s Yoongi’s birthday.” “That’s the only reason?” “Well yeah, why else would I go?” “Yeah, why else… not like I haven’t seen you in like two months when you live five minutes away.” “____.” “It doesn’t matter. I’ve gotta go. Talk to you later.” After you hung up on him you collapsed onto your bed, staring at the ceiling blankly and before you knew it you were asleep. As you woke up there was a loud banging on the door of your tiny room, which irked you since that nap was the best sleep you had gotten all year. You reluctantly got up and moved towards the door at the thought it could be Taehyung behind it but you opened the door to a someone that was very much not him.

“Jungkook, what the fuck are you doing here?” “Taehyung told me to check on you. Something about not replying to his texts and calls. Oh and food. In case you forgot to eat again.” “Come in.” you tiredly replied, attempting to process the information he’d thrown at you. “Taehyung sent you?” “Yep.” “Is the food also from him?” “Yep.” “You know I haven’t seen him in like two months, right?” “Yeah… about that. What exactly happened?” “It’s nothing. He’s just being weird about it all.” “Oh, okay. Here, eat. You seem stressed.” he stated as he handed you a bag with a burger and fries in it. “That’s cuz I am stressed, Kook.” you replied before you started digging into the food.

“He misses you, you know?” “Nope. He sure doesn’t make it seem like he does.” “____, he won’t shut up about you, more than usual.” “Well, we’re seeing each other on Friday for Yoongi’s.” “That’s gonna be fun for all of us, isn’t it?” “What do you mean? You think I’ll confront his ass? I’m too lazy.” “At some point you’ll have to talk to him, ___.” “What if I don’t wanna?” “You’re being difficult, ___, this guy is your best friend.” “Yeah, the best friend that started acting all funny when I told him I liked him like two months ago. Like why can’t he just pretend I never said that?” “You told him you like him?” Jungkook replied, not knowing the missing piece of information that you had just told him. “Yeah, sucks to be me, right?” “___, you know him…He overthinks a lot. He’s probably just had a lot on his mind.” “It’s been like two months though, how long could he have been thinking?” “Look, ___, I know you’re upset and frustrated but everyone’s rooting for you guys to sort this stuff out. We know this can’t break your friendship and it sucks to see you guys the way you are but just see him on Friday and don’t let him act weird.” “Jungkook, I told him I liked him and it is breaking apart this friendship. I can’t stress the fact that I told him that and he stopped seeing me in person.” “Just come to me if you need to, okay? I’ll be right there. He’ll see you on Friday, he knows you’re coming, right?”

“Happy Birthday, bitch! You getting old now!” you screamed as you entered the living room of Yoongi’s apartment. “Thanks, I guess?” he chuckled as you pulled him in for a hug. “Glad you could make it.” Yoongi told you as he pulled away. “Glad I could be here. To be honest I need this night out.” “I think we all do;” he joked, “you spoken to Taehyung yet?” he whispered afterwards. “Well, we’ve spoken just not in person for a while.” “Talk to him.” “You talk to him.” “I did. It’s your turn now.” he deviously smiled as he left your side and went to the kitchen. “Bastard.” “Uh, hi. You need some company?” “Yes, I could actually do w-...oh, hi.” you awkwardly spoke, as you looked at the actual person who had spoken to you, realising it was Taehyung. “Want a seat?” “Yeah, that’d be quite nice.” “What have you been up to?” “You seriously gonna try and make small talk with me?” you asked, annoyed at the lack of getting to the point. “I don’t know what else to say. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.” he said as he sat down in the one seat that was left over. “Sit.” he told you as he motioned towards his lap and since there was nowhere else you obliged. “Yeah, I wonder who’s fault it would be that we haven’t seen each other in so long.”, you rolled your eyes. “It was justified.” “And what is that justification?” “Can we not talk about that here? We’re pre-gaming for the club and for Yoongi. We can talk about it later, okay?” “I don’t wanna sit here anymore.”

“How’d it go? I saw you talk to him.” Jungkook asked. “It didn’t go. He didn’t wanna talk about it here.” you sighed in annoyance. “Seriously? When will he talk about it?” Jungkook sighed. “I don’t know. He’s been avoiding it for so long and it’s annoying me. He’s, like, pretending it never happened.” you told him, in defeat as you sat down on a random chair in the kitchen. “He can’t ignore it forever; just give him a teensy bit more time.” “I already did that.” “Teensy bit more.” “Whatever, just take this next shot with me.” “I’m taking this as Taehyung didn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room between you guys?” Yoongi teased. “Is it that obvious?” “You want me to talk to him?” “No, that’ll make him want to run even further away.” “Whatever you want, hun.”

“Hey, Taehyung. What’s up?” “Uh, we’re celebrating your birthday?” “Not what I meant, dude.” “What’s up between you and ___?” “She sent you?” “Nah, she didn’t want me talking about it to you but you both seem so tense and upset over it.” “She told me she liked me.” “I am aware of that.” “I pretended she didn’t and have been actively avoiding her.” “I was aware of your dickhead behaviour too.” “Hey!” “Just calling it what it is. Besides why are you even acting this way? Didn’t you like her too?” “Yeah, I just. I never thought she would like me back so I guess I’ve been hiding in case it wasn’t true.” “You’re an idiot. Such an idiot. Sort this shit out. Do this as a birthday present or I’ll behead both of you.” Yoongi smiled before cheerfully walking back into the kitchen to mess with Jungkook and you.

After failing to find out what was up with Taehyung, everyone headed to the club, got ID’d, went to the bar, the regular. but you couldn’t help but wonder why Taehyung was still off with you. “Do you wanna dance?” a quiet, timid voice asked you from your left, causing you to turn away from your friends. “And you are?” “I’m, uh, Caesar.” “It’s nice to meet you but I’m here to celebrate with my friends tonight.” “That’s okay; can I get your number by any chance?” “Nope.” “Who the hell are you?” “I’m Taehyung”, he said as he swung an arm around your shoulder, causing you to roll your eyes, “I’m her boyfriend.” “Oh, uh, I’m sorry. I had no idea.” “No, Caesar, wait-” “Why were you talking to him?” “He made conversation with me whilst you grinded against your friends.” “I did not grind against them.” “Did too. The look on Jungkook’s face when he noticed it was unmissable.” you scoffed as you turned away to order another drink from the bar. Taehyung wrapped his arms around and softly placed his chin on your shoulder. “I’m sorry.” he pouted as he moved to the music with you against him. You couldn’t help but gently smile at the motion; you had missed this; you had missed him. “Sorry for what?” you asked as you finished the drink and placed it on the counter. “Everything, especially the not meeting up with you and bailing all the time part. And scaring that dude off.” he muttered as you placed your hands on his arms which were still wrapped around you. “I missed you.” “I missed you more.” he whispered into your ear before placing a delicate kiss just below. The two of you stayed in that moment for what felt like eternity before he dragged you onto the dance floor, insisting that you dance together even though you don’t dance.

“Taehyung, for the last time. I don’t dance.” “I can change that.” he smirked as he playfully placed his hands on your waist and pulled you into him. Naturally you wrapped your arms around his neck but you refused to do any dancing. “C’mon, just let go. You’re tense.” “Maybe, it’s because I don’t dance, Tae.” “Just follow my lead.” he chuckled as he swayed to the music with you in his arms; you rested your head against his chest and could hear how quickly his heart was beating. “Your heart is going haywire.” you gently told Taehyung. “That’s all your fault.” “You like me too, huh?” “Could say I’ve liked you longer.” “What?” you asked in shock, removing your head from against his chest but still keeping your arms around him. “Thought you knew. It’s kinda why I avoided you so much. I didn't want to get hurt. It was stupid of me. I should’ve just told you. I’m such an idiot some-” “Shut up. Just dance with me.” “Thought you didn’t dance.” “Thought you didn’t like me.” “Oh man, you got me there.” he replied, causing you to smile gently against his chest. “Do you wanna get out of this sweaty place?” Taehyung asked. “Yeah, it is way too stuffy in here. I’ll tell the others we’re grabbing food.” “No, let’s just sneak away. You and me.” “Fine, fine, just you and me.”