#im such a dumbass at work so i feel like i just get in the way all the time but
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Feel free to not answer this if its too invasive but what do you do for work? how do you manage your time to still create such awesome things while working? sorry if this comes off as weird I just want to find a way to work while still having time for my art
hoo boi ok i went into the job field hellbent on getting a more heavy duty job like welding and just do art as i please and preserve my passion for it so i dont get burnt out from an art job, but bröther ive realized the hard way my body just don't have the energy to balance working my ever sweatin ass off all day and Also have the energy to draw. I used to have a factory job building coolers but the management went to pure shit, all my good coworkers got fired or quit, and i was beginning to not trust myself holding a framing gun sOOO as of rn i '''technically''' don't have a job, my patreons payin the bills (and then some praise the lorTTTT) rn plus i got that mural gig that came at the most perfect time but im currently perfecting my craft at tattooing so i can get into that field eventually 🤙 i worked my ass off and drew my ass off for a while but my lack of energy made me crash and burn so i may not be the person to give advice on that AHHAAaa
#like im currently on a tightrope having the time of my life but im just free rangin it#i was determined not to get burnt out on drawing all day from an art job but i realized i literally just want to draw all day#and the fact that i was using all of my energy working at some souless meaningless job and then i barely had the energy to draw#shit got real fucked up in the cranium thats all imma say#it almost feels illegal not having anywhere to go i deadass feel like some authority figure is gunna bust down my door 😭 i lOVE IT#like the amount of lucky circumstances that allowed me to save my own ass from myself is sooo :''')#im so glad i started up that patreon when i did cause boy is it coverin for me#i remember 2 days b4 i quit my team leader was bitching me out again In Front of Everyone makin me feel like a useless dumbass as always an#i thought to myself clear as day im either quitting or killing myself so i plotted out my financial situation and stopped showin up!!!#working at a shitty job that deteriorates your health and will replace you in a second when you die for most of your life man just kill me#all i wanna do with my life is draw n inspire other ppl w my creations bro thats iT#suicide mention
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hi hello gals and gays. Here is a rare wav from me struggling with the flu. The virus has mainly been in my chest but my entire body is so wrecked I was able to induce super easily. No talking bc I’m literally unable to 😭 Do not listen if you can't stand harsh coughing because it gets a bit rough. If it sounds a bit weird the first half of the recording is from yesterday and the second half is from today, bc the coughing is so much worse in the second half lmao. Ok that's it thankkk you for feeding me so good lately tumblr love u all <3
also personal rant about ableism and intentional contagion in the comments :///
#ok like I haven't been this sick in literal years and cuz im disabled i'm super mindful of spreading germs to others.#and i've had some family staying with me so I was like great leave me here to rot in my cave guys#my partner has been rlly attentive and is like i don't care about germs tehe so yesterday he comes into my room#and gives me a bunch of kisses on my head then swoops in and kisses me ON THE MOUTH#like im sorry i've been lying in a pool of feverish sweat for days and can hardly breathe what part of that makes someone go ooo gimme?#like ya hes just trying to love me but i put so much effort into being clean and now i will feel really guilty when he gets sick#sorry not sorry intentional contagion is not cute or sexy at all its just irresponsible#like i would love to live the life where my body works so well that I don't give a second thought to KISSING someone with the flu#i just feel like able bodied people never think about what its like living with a disability or a chronic illness#or have the slightest inclination of how privileged they are#my partner isn't even a fetishit he is just a dumbass#but ya i just wish he and the general population would think more :/#snzblr#snz#illness kink#snzfucker#snz wav#snzzzzz#snz blog#anyway thats all do what u want with my horn post
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as cool as their design is im really starting to dislike the sonau in general, aside from their stuff suddendly being everywhere and everything being about them and how cool(tm) they are now with the mystery stone turning people into dragons and the similarities between the sonau and the three dragons (naydra, eldra, farodra) its actually not an impossibility that they used to be sonaus as alot of people have been theorizing about ..but ...... idk that would very much ruin their otherwordly yet ethereal mystery to me
i probably sound like some hater whos trying to find something more to dislike about totk all the time but i promise im not!!
the three dragons being some unexplained mystery, beings that are there yet few can see them, timeless, nigh untouchable, they dont act on anything, they dont talk, something about them has always made me look at them in awe; if it turned out they were just yet another cool(tm) sonau guy that ate a stone ... :/
not a fan of that one lads, but dont worry, i will keep my thoughts to myself from now on, i dont want to ruin other peoples fun nor seem like i just hate everything ... the three dragons are just really important to me so i had to say something
#ganondoodles talks#tloz#totk#totk spoilers#totk spoiler#besides i have leanred that i tend to have the unpopular opinions and frankly im tired of the hate directed at me#if you disagree thats fine but please dont spam me with why you think its cool actually#bc it just feels like yet another argument starting as to why im wrong and need to be talked down to and also suck actually#sorry its been all over my timeline on twitter so i just had to throw my dumbass opinion out there again#and it was a few times more than id like in a row where my random thought posts where torn apart by arguing people needing to prove im wron#the dragons where something i just absolutely loved in botw#they hold a special place in my heart and i dont like the thought of them too being just yet another sonau thing#i feel more secure posting my thoughts here than on twitter#but still i dont want to sound overly negative so i will hold back from now on#unless im exhausted and overly tired and not feeling that great physically like right now i guess lol#ill just have to grit my teeth and try to ignore everything i dont like but everyone else loves like always#anyway i need some sleep#ill be fine after that i think#and then try to resume work on destiny and a commission i havent had the energy to get to
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🎶 they tried to make me go to rehab and i said PLEASE PLEASE HOLY FUCK I FEEL SO BAD WILL NOBODY HELP ME I CANT STOP WHY DOESNT ANYBODY NOTICE HOW BAD IT IS PLEASE HELP
#IM SUCH A LIGHTWEIGJT NOW AND I FEEL SO STUPID I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE IM FINE I CAN HANDLE IT WHAT'S ONE BEER YOU CAN DO IT YOU LIKE BEER#AND I HAVENT HAD WATER OR EATEN ALL DAY AND IM LIKE WHEEEE I KEPT MY TAB OPEN (DUMBASS) ORDER A SECONS#even a second is too much#i cant stop#like actually i dont know what to do bc i know even if i went to rehab WHICH I CANT AFFORD AND NONE OF MY FAMILY WILL HELP i just would#return to the same shit bc no matter how sober i get i cant stop bc that's how fucking addiction works#and im too scared to tell anyone i actually need help#the people who know i need help are just judging me and watching me fall into this fucking pit#i dont know what to do#im just gonna pass out drunk now#i hate feeling like this it's so fucking humiliating#i dont even like it#and im admitting defeat to WHAT? A LITTLE GLASS OF JUICE? YOURE KIDDING ME#prolific linguistics researcher and author cant stop.. why do we always treat academics like we're the pinnacle of society#im fucking awful man im a schizophrenic with an addiction problem#but im so much more than that! anyone who knows me knows that! but i cant stop#i want to stop#and im trying and then every few months I think ive tried enough and i expect it to go away but that's how the cravings trick you#fuck this man#drugs tw#sobriety update#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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hot ppl don’t support genocide 😻
#nah bcuz like. someone said ti me ‘well i hahe a different definition of genocide ☝🏼’ dude …#i said ‘but didnt we do the same thing to the native americans likee .. we stole their land bruh n killed them its called the native#american GENOCIDE for a reason#likeee thats what it is .. okay dumbass ..#theyre under occupation n being killed for just living there like ..#thats what genocide is bruh like its being killed just for existing as u are ..#anyways ppl r actually fucking dumb 😻😻#im an empath so like i get worked up abt seeing the horrible#stuff going on n everuthing like .. but how is it that ppl can LOOK AT WHATS HAPPENING N NOT BE UPSET OR DISTRAUGHT 😭#like nah u got no feelings bruh ..#those deaths are prob just numbers to u huh ..#so annoying i cannot believe it fr#how can u NOT be in favor of a ceasefire n freeing palestine from#the occupation 😭😭😭#anyways sorry for the rant but like if ur anti palestine or anti ceasefire/freeing from the occupation .. kindly gtfo 😻#like i said hot ppl dont support genocide …#or excuse it…#anyways 😋#tw death mention#tw war#tw palestine#tw israel#tw politics#tw genocide#tw rant#idk what else to put tw wise … uhh lmk if i missed anything
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blows everything up w my mind i hate school i hate careers i just wanna draw pictures and play sudoku
#idk if i’ve said this before but basically my current college experience was like fuck around and get all ur basic classes oever w and#try out different intro classes for different majors and then like. literally last summer i just decided to choose psychology and god do#i wish i didn’t do that. like i kinda chose it bc of how much i liked my intro psych classes and bc of how fast i’d be able to get it#compared to like other degrees but like. what if i actually hate everything and everyone that has to do w psychology#like i mean it’s not like i’m ever gonna go into counseling so like. my only option for this degree path is like post grad shit and even#then what can i even do w this. fucking. work for a school? do experiments? write papers?is that even what i want idfk#like honestly this degree feels so fucking useless i probably would’ve been the same amount of feeling fucked but like slightly#more happy abt it if i decided to be an art major#ugh i fucking hate school like u’d think w how everything played out for me that i’d feel accomplished or smth bc like i just turned 20 and#im set to get my dumbass bachelors like. in a couple weeks but i feel like a failure i have 0 plans i hate every decision i have ever made.#but also like idk if i even have like the energy for more school. or the patience or the motivation or whatever. like even if i go for that#sexology program that’s online it’s still only a masters and im probably gonna need a doctorate if i decide to commit to this shit and#like idk if i have the energy for all that shit. or if i even care enough to do all that. but also i don’t rlly have any other better#options do i? fucking. i don’t know what to do. explodes everything w my mind 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
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it's not going too well
#cw vent#but#:[ i feel so baaad about it idk#one of the only things im known for in school is self harm and i dont wanna go back tomorrow#and now it feels like sh is basically my only recognisable thing#so everytime i look down at my arms and see scars fading away i just feel so terrible about it#what am i doing? why am i not cutting myself tahts what im meant to do thats what ive always done!! thats all anubody wants from me#i kinda really don't like how#basically everykne in my school really doesn't like me much cuz all i really have going is that i cut myself#have autism#and may or may not be a tranny#even though all of those things are things that are true qnd i dont even think they're bad things#i just. i dunno. i feel bad. like genuinely they have one thing they want me to do#and thats hurting myself!! but im not even doinf that right now#this is so dumb. all my problems are dumb as fuck huh#im so scared of school now#its not even just how the people act#when i go into the corridors there are so many people#so when im finally alone it always feels like theres someone behjdn me. its scaring meee i dunno. i hate school#please dont make me go back tgere. wait no what do you mean this is gonna be another three or so years#and even after those threes years i still have to go to university.. and get a job#this is the rest of my life i think and that makes me sad#i really tried to like school i tried so so hard to like school#but its so difficult. too many people too many noises#too many rumours and too many ableists#there are also too many tags on this post#but rlly the bad part of school has never been the work for me. im a dumbass but i do like learning#weh. dont make me go back. can i sleep for 72 hours instead of going to school#i hate walking into that stupid building everyday and being able to feel everybodys eyes go onto me#its all so scary. i should stop venting on here but i probably won't im sorry
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this is like my fourth or fifth consecutive bad gym session I might as well just kill myself
#was fine when it was bc of my wrist injury just frustrating that i was so limited in what i could do#but its mostly better now and i still feel like im not doing anything near what im capable of i dont fucking know whats holding me back#both physical limitation and also i just have no grit at the moment. lost my mojo :-(#well ik itll take a while until my wrists are fully functional again and i probably am still healing so its partly that#and just a lot on my mind lately. im usually fine at work but for some reason the gym makes me ruminate n i get so frustrated n miserable#by the end of a session and ppl start to annoy me bc they act like they can read me n make wildly wrong assumptions abt how im feeling#and then im reminded that even ppl i consider good friends consistently do the same no one actually knows me at all i guess#and it makes me feel very unloved and upset but whatever its all on me bc i cant communicate in ways other ppl can understand#and i dont trust or feel safe around other ppl so i just alienate myself and fold myself up around the immense distress it causes me yayyy#and ill be thinking this shit at like 8:30pm halfway up a wall and demotivate myself and slip and graze an elbow or whatever#ughhhhhh. and then i cycle the whole way home until i get thru the door and start sobbing idk how many times this is now#i have a stupid headache and im going to be so fucking tired at work tomorrow im going to bed.#its fine really. im not actually depressed anymore i dont think. these are just my regular old wounds ive had since the dawn of time#and i just have this dumbass fucking brain that for some reason instead of giving me endorphins and a high from exercise as a reward#just makes me really sad instead. maybe im just not eating enough around when i workout idk like it could be low blood sugar#and i am mildly worried abt some things bc well. they could be very very difficult for me to deal with if they happen. and if they do#happen well thats good in other ways but i have to be prepared to take some major fucking hits. ive only recently started to feel like ive#mostly recovered from how fucking shite this summer has been after the mental damage done in may/june. i cant spend another season there#can i just catch a fucking break like forever please. and a shoulder to cry into im so touch deprived its unreal who even cares anymore#fine reallt tho i promise just worked myself up innit. ugh. anyway gn#.diaries#.vent
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP
#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI#hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA#(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????#my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??))#like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent#he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy#cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me#its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird#idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on#a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but#STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also#i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it#look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could#make me worse <3 I Want Him#and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3#i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER#OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS)#might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really#GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3
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i do acknowledge i need to watch what i say wrt gender women men cis ppl etc just augh.
#its like. im a trans man 100% i want nothing to do w being seen as a women i acknowledge that. i also acknowledge that I am putting#literally zero effort in my irl life to present as a guy at all. partially lack of resources and embarrassment etc stuff like that partiall#the autism i literally look in a mirror and see a guy#and i go to class go to work and until soemone explicitally refers to me as a woman i think of myself as a guy. so like its this weird#disconnect of what i actually do vs what i percieve as expieriencing in my daily life where i am objectively living#as a cis woman who just dresses and acts a bit masc. lol.#and like that doesnt bother me atm until i get to a setting where i am gendered frequently. then i feel nauseas etc but whatever ill deal#so i always hesitate whenever i talk abt women feminism men makeup beauty expectations etc (also i am mixed thai and white which#def plays into everyhting ofc ofc) as i dont know rly what is like. not fine idc if i say smthn uncouth just i dont want to at all#seem like im doing what these other trans guys do and latch onto my femininity and 'girlhood growing up' etc or like#its all dumb to me ofc im a feminist i consider anything i speak abt feminism free the nipple being against gender essiantialism etc etc#as in feminism (not that women arent/cant be femnists just in terms of im not trying to sound like a woman) and#ofc growing up as and my current life experiences have obvi had a large impact on myself how i veiw the world my political beliefs and all.#but like. im always scared it sounds like im idr the phrase someone else used but a i dont want to seem like im latching onto girlhood as#a failsafe or whatever. its just mm ykwim its a weird feeling. cause like im a 21 year old man and read my posts as such el oh el.#idk its all weird and idk if its a specific to me thing or whattttt it just like. i feel silly sometimes and i dont want my points to be#misconstrued :) anyways me posting this after rewatching and posting abt pearl has nothign to do genuinly lmfao just timing its been#on my mind after that dumbass trans guy posting abt the lonelyness he feels abt abandoning womanhood#after watching barbie. lol and then i saw someone in the comments of some ig quote it w like 30 replies all positive like get a lifeee#i understand it can feel isolating being trans and everyones relationship back to womanhood is diff and complecated but by god. shut up#anywayyyyyssss mmm okay im done whateverr#maybe all a fear in my head and literally none of this has every crossed anyones mind however it bothers me :(
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today was good!!!! but i am!!!! very tired!!!!!!! :D
#i thought today would be bad bc of certain past stuff#so i was kinda bracing for it#BUT IT WINDED UP GOOD.... im happy#good day at work but i think i got more exhausted that my brain just kinda kerplunked on itself#i got to see my friend but we didnt talk much he was just passing by :]#worked w my director who is honestly really nice ajfjdjdjs#tbh i thought she hated me when we first started and wELL I KINDA STILL THINK SHE DOES#im such a dumbass at work so i feel like i just get in the way all the time but#today actually went pretty ok and smoothly jdjdjd minus end of the day#OH AND IT SNOWED BUT I WAS STUCK INSIDE#i basically looked out the window like 🥺🥺🥺🥺 wanting to go out but nooo i couldnt#the consultants all went out to take photos iTS UNFAIR (STOMPS THE GROUND)#anyways. i cant believe i have to study after all this. how cruel 🤧#there wasnt snow when i left sad chirp noises :<#it wasnt enough snow to cover the ground so it was a very :< walk back home. and freezing but you know#anyways its been nice so :) happy.#i need tea.#its near 5 but i need energy to study fjdjdjsk#work logs#snow speaks
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interrupting non-rgg posting with non-rgg posting do you guys wanna look over my pros-vs-cons list of grocery shopping today thanks
#not rgg#snap chats#i didnt do the full shopping yesterday cause it was late by the time i got to go out and near all the shops were closing OOPS#my bestie asleep so i cant ask her :( this also feel like a dumbass question anyway so it my turn to ask everyone a question <3#anyway review the list with me. ok.#cause the pros of going is that I Get Tasty Food. And Probably More Shit I Didn't Need#i get to buy snacks for my class tomorrow#im wearing a nice outfit :) and that means i get to walk around and wear it more. no one'll comment on it but i'll be happy wearing it#cons: i was JUST at ebisu yesterday and HUUUGE doubt i'll be remembered by the cashier#but the cameras will remember me....#i should finish up the last two comms i have (though counter argument is that i can finish those when i get home)#i finished one this morning so i dont feel too guilty bout not getting work done#yeah thats. thats really it. 🧍♂️#like i really cant think of another con 🧍♂️ AND YOUD THINK THAT'S GREENLIGHTS THEN BUT....#cause im tihnking of grocery shopping today but it feels weird to do it on a thursday#But Today's Also PROBABLY The Best Day To Do It#anyway if everyone may indulge me being a dummy just this once. thanks <3#im gonna work on one of those remaining comms for like an hour. or until i finish the lineart. so like twenty minutes ☠️#and ill see how i feel then#sorry im obsessed with going to the city over i love walking and walking into shops and being alive
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manhating dyke ancestors possess me every time i hear about a man like that <- (has known and heard about men like that entire life from women in my life)
#sometimes im like maybe im not a dyke. maybe i could date men#and then men are men and its like oh yes right#i tell you my sisters and nieces and my mom and my cousins- the men they have or have had just make me not wanna try men again ever forever#like why are you SETTLING#i think the guys IN my family are alright to their partners (mostly my nephews)#but the guys marrying INTO it are usually frustratingly lame or even terrible#why are u SETTLINGGG#would i settle for less? will i settle for less?#if i dated men would i have to put up with someone who i argue with and who wont compromise?#why is it worth it? why put up with a guy whos a dumbass?#what is love to a woman that only dates men? how much does she compromise before its clear that her man doesnt know how to love?#why are you doing all the work?#why are you the smart one?#i think even worse than ending up with a dumbass guy i think im afraid that i would be like a dumbass guy#dense and obtuse to my girls feelings and wants and needs#that i wouldnt treat her right#thats why i get so annoyed at men!!!! you could have an amazing thing and you ruin it by being a stubborn shallow idiot#i know its the way theyre raised but come ONNN#ah i could rant forever#im just making myself mad#its so many things i dont get#and i cant ask my sisters or my mom cuz its rude to insult someones partner or past partners sometimes#doctalk#i know! i know! societal issue above my paygrade blah blah blah
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one thing abt me is that i will get my silly little hopes up despite being actively aware that thats how i get my silly little feelings hurt
#this isnt even abt anything in particular im just musing over myself and my typical behavior and the thing is i do this all thee time#with literally everything <//3#like smth i do when i want smth to happen is tell myself “omg its NOT gonna happen it wont. so dont hope it will bc its wont”#but then secretly underneath that? i do hope it will happen <///3#and then most of the time? it does not !!!#i need to work on this soo badly like its a problem and like. idek if trying to stop feeling hopeful abt things i want happening#its like. a healthy thing to do. but i do know that the current approach kills me. badly.#so i gotta stop it. or just indulge more in distractions when i do get my feelings hurt tht also works 😭#but seriously seriously seriously. babe futures peaches reading this whatever specific thing ur hoping for is genuinely NOT going to happen#not teeheee i say it wont and that way it will NO it will not. and that is okayyy !!! stop getting ur hopes up dumbass#this thing abt me is so silly crazygirl core like literally i am so sensitive emotionally i dont even need#other ppl to mess with my feelings in a way which will get them hurt bc i will do it for them<3#anyway i shld stop before i go down a self depricating spiral <3#flappy rambles
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hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate this class so much i am so, so tempted to just Stop Doing Assignments bc i don't even fucking care that i'll "fail" it
it'll be a massive waste of money but it'd be better than banging my head against a wall repeatedly while feeling like an absolute idiot for not understanding what the fuck is supposed to be going on here
#neptalks#im just bitching i'll get over it#between one professor that's so absent i can't rely on him for any help at all#and the other class where the moment i sit down to start trying to do the work only to have my brain shut down#i feel like i'm going insane#the fucking web design class just threw us into java last week or so and this teacher is awful at explaining#in that he doesn't explain like nearly anything#and his coding that he wants us to use is full of typos or missing punctuation#so the real homework experience is just fucking fixing his shit without knowing what the fuck it is you're supposed to be fixing#i hear that's just how it is in general so i'm sure i'm preaching to the choir#but also this is a beginners course and its been riddled with missing information the entire time#its frustrating as hell#the coding class is just....... i've already bitched about that#but its been a while since i've run into something that makes me feel like a huge dumbass#bc usually i can figure stuff out if i mess around a bit#but it's just not happening here#and yeah i'm sure i could message the professor - he's been v nice the few times that i have#but w this one idek man i'd just be sending him a msg like dude i don't even know where to START with this#i've tried searching things online but that's a nightmare and a half#anyways i'm giving up i'm tired and done and cranky and i hate feeling stupid
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