#im stuck on a part rn
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Finish the "Molly Eats Grass" fic? ❎
Write Werewolf O'Shones instead? ✅✅✅✅
#I'm sorry guys#literally so scared cuz to molly eats grass fic has taken me so long i fear it'll be anti climactic when i finish it </3#ill finish it though#eventually#GOD#im stuck on a part rn#keep rewriting it#just cant get it right!!#might come back to it later and write the rest of the fic but ughhh#anyways#Red Dead Redemption 2#RDR2#Red dead Redemption#RDR#Molly O'Shea#Karen Jones#Molly O'Sheep#(technically)#O'Shones#FUCK YEAH SAPPHIC WEREWOLVES🗣️🗣️🗣️#with O'Shones too???? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm#Werewolf AU
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i like ms paint but i like mspaint-esque pressureless brushes more.
exclusive never before seen art process snapshot under cut.
this is what it actually looks like in the canvas. it was a warmup for a larger thing and took way too long so my frustration is justified i think
#homestuck#hom3stuck#home24uck#home2t4ck#dirk strider#jake english#dirkjake#decapitation cw#gddddiiii ialways forgett that one. fuck#admin draws#fanart#anywways uhh tags! context!#first one is post tussle. because i am living vicariously through them#i too want to laugh with a friend and have that soothe the sting from the scrapes and aggrevate the bruised ribs#second one. heat map. pieces of you that you left behind#its something ive been thinking about a lot lately as a framing for trauma. a part of you thats still back there.#the way these two step on each others toes in a more general way too. neither means to. it still happens#i saw art a while ago that speculates on dirk being reminded of the disappearifier whenevr jake is on his shoulders and that stuck with me#im in such a mood with these two again sorry. this is what joining a discord 4 the alpha kids does to your brain#drinking sparkling water straight out of a liter bottle and jamming out to verka serduchka rn what can u do.#guess what im drawing. smile :)
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realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards
*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is a clone#like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a#few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but#you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device#they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause#nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to#keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter#raaa#and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs
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i do wish i was better at communicating with people online and through technology. i wander into conversations and make new ones all the time irl with random people and its fun but im like hyping myself to type out a single response to a Post. and to say nothing of how difficult it is to get me to say something in a discord server
#or even video or audio calls are becoming hard for me rn. i used to be better at this#i used to be sooo good at talking to people online. maybe. or maybe not actually#now that i think about it ive always been a little outside of everything in both irl and online communities ive been in#you know i was part of the mods for a deviantart species a long time ago. i was pretty bad at my job i was always too slow to actually mod#and one day i came home from school and like the entire modbase imploded because of drama on a discord or smth they had that i wasnt in LOL#tbh i was a bit older than all of them and busy with final year of highschool stuff so i wasnt super present. i think they just had me on#because while i wasnt particularly popular as an artist i did have some eyecatching polish on my art. but it was wild i was like#whats going on. who are you people. where am i. i have to apply to ouac rn i dont know whats happening#wait random ass deviantart drama i was vaguely adjacent to but still dont really know what happened aside. i would like to chat more#i think the easiest way to converse with me is commenting on my posts like theyre forum threads. or dming me. sometimes#im so bad with group chats. especially if they have multiple channels. the only group chat ive stuck with is a tiny one with like#two other friends and we just write thoughts and about our day and pictures of animals and whatever#i get confused and scared in discords. i get so confused and scared#i used to be okay with discord calls but even with that ive been struggling. am i scared of the computer#am i scared of the computer. the machine. whats happening
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anyone know if bookbinding glue works on canvas? im thinking i want to add a shield to my halloween costume next year and am trying to figure out how to attach the front
#not silm#not art#halloween#first attempt w cardboard hot glue and canvas worked fairly well but the back is kind of lumpy from the glue and the corners arent great#so im thinking of doing painted canvas on book board with binding glue to adhere it#so itll be nice and sturdy#not sure how i would attach the straps though#unfortunately im too busy to do much in the way of costume upgrades rn but for next year i have a few things in mind#i definitely want to do a cloak- i saw this nice quilted fabric at joanns that could work as an insulating/lining layer to give it weight#i really want to do fake fur trim for the Fancy Himring Cloak but ill have to find something im not allergic to#idk how to do cloak clasps but the actual sewing part should be reasonably simple since its mostly one piece#just have to attach the outer layer and the lining layer and hem the thing#for the helmet im trying to find larger brads that might work to add a rotating visor#idk how to get it to stay shut though. will probably have to adjust the angle so it doesnt keep getting stuck on my nose#and so i can actually wear glasses with it and not fall down every single set of stairs like last time i wore it#anyone know if there are like. sewing patterns but for 14th century helmets?#armor wise i might actually go with the slipper top for pauldrons#would probably be decently padded#gambeson means i need to learn how to sew shirts#so maybe thatll be a few years down the line#for the shield i have one custom heraldry and one feanorian heraldry. maybe ill make two shields idk#the cuirass is going to be harder - maybe alternate a few layers of cardboard and quilted fabric? would that get too thick tho#ive tested cardboard + heavy waffle blanket gambeson and that works pretty well so maybe just go with that#maybe a cheap bookboard layer for the top?#idk how well you can paint book board though. will have to run some experiments
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i love madoka magica however i dont think we as a fandom talk enough about how tragic madoka herself is. probably because the narrative itself steers you away from thinking about her personally. shes not a character shes a desire that homura has, shes a force of good, shes homura's foil. but those are all madoka's narrative roles but madoka herself as a person is not really looked at because we are viewing this world from an unreliable narrator(homura) who only sees madoka as those things. The best thing homura could have done for madoka was give up on her, to let her go. because every time we go back in time the image of madoka is distorted, she loses more of herself every regression of homura's as she tries harder and harder to save her. We don't even know what madoka originally wished for to become a magical girl in the original timeline. and she actually acts quite differently than the madoka we meet. shes a lot more honest and caring and bold. by the time homura's has reached the actual anime madoka has been reduced by the sands of time to a figment of herself. she has no wants or desires of her own beyond wanting to do good and help her friends and when all her humanity is stripped away is when she finally acends to godhood because thats all thats left of her. an ideal and a faith in her. madoka kaname died a long time ago and all that is left is her ghost.
#of course homura doesnt care anymore because she cant go back she can only go forward cuz if she gives up she killed madoka for nothing#she could have left her pass away with dignity but now shes a ghost stuck in a web of time and the only thing she can do is keep trying#to save her#i feel like inately homura knows this but she doesnt want to admit to herself thats shes the real one who killed madoka kaname#this is a very charitable reading of homura#homura died too but its a clear moment because homura is our narrator#homura akemi will never come back madoka kaname will never come back#but life goes on anyway for homura#heres my truth#i loved rebellion but im actually a bigger fan of the original anime's ending so im glad it seems like red ribbon homu is coming back#i thought that ending was a lot more hopeful and beautiful and rebellion was kind of a downer but i always accepted they were parallel#and seems im right based on posters#for walpurgis#madoka uses one of my favorite literary devices which is the underuse of a character#i dont know whats it called but i love it when they dont outright develop a character usually to signal an upholding of the status quo#i already explained how madoka is not shown as a character but they do this in princess tutu too with mytho#mytho is a character from a book hes not real in the way that the others are and therefore cant actually change like the others can#hes always the focus of others and never the one thinking of others#i mean yeah he spends like the whole anime thinking about tutu but thats PART of his book its not him as a person#anyway ive been talking too much but i wanna bring up my favorite subtle use of this in takopi's original sin#the boy#idk his name rn lmao#hes straight up not present for the bulk of the manga and hes legit just absent from the ending scene despite being one point of a triangle#at first that weirded me out like??? he doesnt get closure???#but the reason was he didnt need it#the focus and moral is that those girls were 'weird' unable to be normal (because of trauma) and their closure was theyre at least together#but he doesnt need that because hes already normal hes the status quo a benchmark for the reader for the reader to judge the characters off#and the characters to judge eachother off of#anyway anyway sorry this has been so long#i had to get all of that out of me
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You know what I love more than just heroes and villains going up against each other is when the hero and villain have a certain respect and acknowledgement to the other, have a special relationship or connection with the other, or just a general interest that's between just THOSE TWO GUYS and not anybody else Grandfather Spider Morganthe Schismist Soldier Duncan Grimwater
Like I could easily see the YW teaming up with almost any of those people (see: only GFS and Morganthe the other two are crazy) not out of maliciousness or because they switched sides but because they're just compatible with them in ways where it just makes sense. Like for example the YW fighting back-to-back with Morganthe or having in depth magical discussions with her because we understand her on a level no one else does. Like in a crazy season finale where the Savior of the Spiral would not even Dream of Ever Working With Those Ruffians but when they have to they're like so magical (no pun intended) together because they just click. Like in the original Teen Titans where Deathstroke and Robin were like fighting in Hell together and they were on the SAME WAVELENGTH despite being bitter enemies THAT'S THE SHIT I LIKE. I think maybe that's the reason why I resonate more with these guys than Malistaire because imo it's just so much more interesting and emotional when we get two people on opposite sides of the morale scale able to come together and work so fluently. This is also me saying I want a Schismist Soldier and YW Roommate Sitcom.
#im dissociating like a motherfucker rn so this post may read as disjointed IM SORRY I JUST THINK THIS IS COOL#and the best part of this post is that it doesnt even necessarily have to be in a “romantic” sense. you can work so well with your rival-#-or enemy without having romantic implications at all#not saying i dont ship the wizard with the soldier because i do. DJALSHEOEJ#honestly though i would have loved to see us team up with morganthe#BUT WE DID KINDA GET THIS WITH OLD COB WHEN WE WORKED TOGETHER but we didnt really know each other then#IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS DYNAMIC WELL. SOMEONE CAN TRANSLATE THIS FOR ME IF THEY WANT TO#this is also me saying the Mirage final boss fight has been stuck in my head for 4 straight years#grandfather spider: we know each other so well so imma resurrect your mortal enemies from the dead to beat ur ass <3#also im gonna be honest. my little oony also i spired this post JALAJFKRJRJ#ask me how my little pony inspired this post. any one of you ask me how i dare you.#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts#no i wont shut up about the soldier i dont care who the IRS sends
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dont think im gonna be able to make myself finish this (as of now) but i had fun with the leg
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/a77e08ebf3109b964ea338c776633687/55a5386087d2bb86-57/s1280x1920/7ce761522f523ab02bed6fcf393d3398fc5aa24e.jpg)
#i tried idk if i can carry on :(#how do people make fun futuristic sci-fi designs... i get stuck on the aesthetics of it#all i can think of is the practicality im so bad at the actual DESIGN part#dont know if i will get any further than what i have here#and related to me stopping MY BACK HAS BEEN FUCKING KILLING ME CAN YOU PLEEEEEASE STOP#I DIDNT HURT MYSELF AT WORK OR ANYTHING IT'S JUST DECIDED TO KILL ME#SITTING STANDING LAYING WALKING DRIVING EVERYTHING HURTS!!! I WANT TO RIP OUT MY SPINE!!!!!!#anyways. maybe i'll get back to it when i feel better but rn i wanna cry#awa
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OMG WHY DIDNT IT CLICK W/ ME THAT YOU WROTE FEVER FROST IM IN THE MIDDLE OF READING IT RN (when I don't get distracted..im rlly bad at that LMAO) IT'S SO SILLY I LOVE IT /pos
xD That's me!! It's definitely one of my shorter stories (compared to my other three which are ...100k+...), but it's still one of mine :3 I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ💕
While I'm here! The final chapter is coming... soon! (i got sucked into the Stardew Valley grind so it might take a bit >_>)
#ashe asks#im 3k words into it rn#im stuck at this one part which is probably why its taking me foreverrrr#kaito is such a difficult character to write in a situation like this#i need him GONE
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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girls (me) will be obsessed with some cringefail guys from a call of cthulhu campaign streamed 8 years ago that no one's heard about that now haunt the narrative of the Malevolent podcast
#hhhhng#the way time loops make me go fucking INSANE#henry macfarland. frank underhill. jarrett coombs.#there would be no malevolent without you#and at the end of the campaign they each get their own happy ending but we all know there are alternate universes#and in the one that shub went through to. they really did die#henry sacrificed himself and jarrett was dead with antoine there there were two bodies in that cellar#and frank got stuck in the dreamlands. BECAUSE HE FAILED HIS SANITY THERE#i cant fuckign do this#HIS LETTER IN PART 14 SAID IT HE WAS STARING AT THAT CRACK IN THE WOOD AND STARING AND STARING#god#and knowing that emily didnt make it in the end. because john killed her#ghhhhhhhhh#im so fucking normal rn#malevolent#niki.rambles
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applying to more jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!haha :))))))))))))))))))
#i guess this isnt too personal but i work in the library field and to be an actual librarian you need a masters degree in library science#(which i dont have yet. i dont even have my bachelors until june)#(but i DO have almost 8 years of public library EXPERIENCE which has to count for something right?)#anyway my hopes are low that i will get any of these jobs and getting lower by the second because they ALL require an mlis#and thats fine! i dont mind working an assistant job until im 40 if thats what it takes#but i just need to FIND ONE#i just need ONE job that pays at least 30k. maybe even at least 25k and i could make that work#im not in a position to move out rn bc im still paying for college which kind of limits my choices#so im trying to keep it together lmao. when i graduate i may still only be able to get a part time but maybe at a high enough wage#and then i can MOVE there and i wont be pissing money into my gas tank#:( i wish i picked a different field#i know i can change my field whenever and i fucking WILL at this point but i need something NOW so i can move out#and all i have is public library experience :(#when i graduate ill start thinking genuinely about alternative fields i could get my foot in but for now im just sad and poor and stuck#i think about how different my life could have gone if i chose literally any other field and it makes me burst into tears#i HATE money. i hate having to fucking worry about this all the time#like i love it (bc i need it desperately) but there is nothing i hate more#well. back to applications :(#im being so dramatic btw. for ref ive literally applied to 2 jobs my entire life and only been rejected to one of them#which happened last month#i do think these people will all reject me but i dont have evidence yet to become all kms about it#im just scared lol
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It's always a bit heartbreaking when you find that your authentic, unmasked self isn't as palatable to others compared to your masked persona, especially when it's friends and loved ones that assured you that they enjoy and love you as you are.
#cherry rambles#adhd things#nd things#neurodivergency#just stuck in my head a bit too far#i know i can be a lot at times#i wouldnt expect anyone to enjoy every part of myself all the time#its normal to get annoyed by things or be irked#you dont have to like 100% of someone thats unrealistic tbh#but the specific realisation that people enjoy your masked self more than your unmasked self#esp for me who struggles with social cues and social norms bc i am in general a very chaotic and outspoken person#i ALWAYS “warn” people the kind of person i /could/ be outside my mask#for those i start to get closer to#they always say “its ok you can be yourself around me dont hold back”#and then i try unmasking and its Too Much for them#and i get it#i know im a lot#but being told its a safe space to unmask but then seeing them kinda regret it#kinda hurts a lot#like i told you in advance the kind of person i can be#i understand not everything is “palatable”#but to then see people i thought of as close friends start to distance themselves after i start unmasking hurts#like it proves a point in the worst way#that people cant tolerate my unmasked self#they can only “tolerate” me in “small doses”#which of course makes me less willing to unmask in the future#aflahdoab head thoughts are being terrible rn
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why the fuck right now. why ever actually..
#camera talks#i might die#i feel sick again#idc if i dont have any classes with them rn. just knowing i have to be in the same building#with someone who was mentally and emotionally abusive to me is freaking me out#ofc its the day i dont go to school either so i have a safe space all to myself to spiral and cry my Fucking eyes out#im glad ive been told /gen bc if i saw them without knowing beforehand i would have had a lot more problems#but i dont know if i Wont have these problems either tho#i dont know what i'll do if i See them#i've been so so happy and i feel like ive been working through some stuff and i have so many people that i love and care for#and that love and care for me#but just knowing they're around again is crumbling everything in my brain#i dont know what to do#i feel stuck and broken and i dont feel like anybody else was nearly as affected with this as i was*#*fun fact this is part of the disorder yay (not the time but)#nor do they care as much#and im just so so upset that i have to deal with this. Right now. this year#i want to be able to live my life happily with the people i love and i feel like i Cant#fuck. whatever okay.#vent#delete later
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This is extremely stupid and I recognize that but I think one of the things contributing a lot to my recent indicision in making art is that I'm in the mode of just pretty much wanting to focus on gaia and I'm feeling VERY guilty for not doing much phaesporia stuff. I still love phaesporia and just cynthia and diantha in general very very very very VERY dearly but I feel like I should be giving them more attention and as is the nature with ADHD, I unfortunately don't get to pick what my brain wants to focus on
So it's like. I wanna focus on gaia stuff, but I feel like I should be focusing on phaesporia stuff, but that's not what my brain wants to do right now, so I end up just feeling frustrated and unfulfilled creatively
#this isnt like me asking for validation rn just voicing stuff helps me process it easier#i am also ngl i just feel sort of bad bc i decent amount of ppl followed me for phaesporia stuff#and while that definitely doesnt dictate what i make it does lead a part of my brain to feel#like im disappointing others which. is INCREDIBLY stupid#trust me im aware of how silly it is to feel that way but emotions dont care about rationality unfortunately#and its not like im not gonna do phaesporia stuff anymore. im gonna cycle back around to it soon enough#whats difficult about this is that one of my intentions with coming back to tumblr and making fanart#was to keep it as something just for me.#as soon as it becomes about other people its not fun anymore and doesnt feel as genuine.#thats a huge problem i got myself stuck in a while back#and i want to steer clear of that best i can#so its like. being aware of these feelings also makes me aware that they are in the direction of#going back to making art to please other people and seek external validation rather than my art#being for myself
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i tried a solo journaling ttrpg for the first time by playing chalice and it was super fun!!! i needed a brain break after fighting actium, and it had the perfect amount of prompting while still letting you take the lead on the creative decisions and connections. i came away from it with a surprisingly coherent and circular story given the fact that it was all randomized
#im gonna work on writing it all down rn bc thats actually part of the mechanics but i skipped over that part to come back to later#but yeah! i wanna try more solo ttrpgs! mostly just to help get the creative juices flowing when im stuck#and also bc i needed a win rn lol#its all tarot based too which was really fun ^-^ my knight is such an awful fucking person#ramblings
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