#im so stressed. christ
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Good god . Kayne, man. Whoever is playing him is clearly having the most fun in the world. Good on you man
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everything happens so much
#ooc#life update: my dad's cancer came back and my sister's dog died#and I was so stressed I grit my teeth too hard and fractured one of them#so if I seem strange. please understand. im two bad days away from turning inside out#of course im trying to rest. and this fucking skunk rolls up and just#poses outside my window cooler for a half hour until i ended up getting out of bed. christ
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my stardew farmer ^_^ he doesnt have a green thumb for shit so he keeps animals and does mining
some tidbits i came up with while playing hehe
reclusive and doesnt really go out of his way to talk or visit people unless its an errand. but he also doesnt try to befriend others to get something out of it, so he has a very easygoing approach to making friends. on good terms with linus and sebastian since he runs into them most often.
if he respects or takes a liking to someone, he'll greet them with miss/mister (name). if you get close to him he starts using first name basis. if he doesn't like you, he'll refer to you by your title without using your name. only a few people have caught on to this.
the farm he inherited, Milky Way Farm, was the site of a meteorite crash and sometimes you can find shards of meteor debris littered around the farm (i picked the hilltop farm bc of this lol)
lost his sweater and pants a long ass time ago and doesnt have the time to look for them, so hes been working in his sleep clothes ever since
isnt actually grandpa's real heir to the farm... ;)
#sorry i havent been getting around to artfight attacks or art of anything lately bc my pen :) decided now would be the perfect#time to fucking bail on me :))) its gen 1 apple pen too so the fucker is discontinued hate and death on plsnet earth#like it TECHNICALLY works but only if i pair and re-pair it with the ipad until it senses it and that can be up to 38 tries#even then itll suddenly stop working if i take it off the ipad for more than 10 fucking seconds so i am not having a good time. this is the#second pen that this has happened to and i dont think its my ipad or software jesus christ. whatever. ill pretend not to care so it#fixes itself faster#ANYWAY COSMO!! YEAH. STARDEW IS STUPIDLY ADDICTING. i got it during the sale but im playing it on ios rn since i#dont have steam on my pc rn. i started a new save after the first one fizzled out and i think im doing way better this time yay#its a special kind of stress when u need to be in bed and its 1:50AM but the cat is in the fucking way#i wanna make more stuff with this guy i have a lot of stuff i wanna draw for him. i have a little backstory for him in mind#ill probably make a separate post to explain it but its a very long series of misunderstandings and ouran haruhi gender fuckery#my art#myart#my oc#oc#stardew farmer#sdv farmer#sdv#stardew valley#doodles#stardew
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it should be illegal to have multiple gut problems at once. if you get two they should just cancel each other out and leave you cured. 100 million$ cash reward for every additional tummy hurt disease on top of those 2 that cancelled eachother out.
#stomach flu is making keeping food down Difficult and im weening back onto my adhd meds which make my stomach digest itself#if there is not something in it for the acid to attack#and the stress ulcers cant decide whos side their on so. Tummy Hurt. i wuffer more than christ#that was supposed to say suffer but im not making an attempt to fix it. I both suffer and wuffer more than christ.
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they should invent a body that lets you sleep for at least 8 hours at a normal time .
#just blahs#and one that doesn't have a uterus#jesus christ#gotta love my period showing up a week early becuase stress#and so im going to be spending the entire week im here visiting my parents and siblings miserable on my fucking period#i am going to start killing
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hmmmm mal du pays thoughts tonight
#radio rambles#i should go to bed but. it is on the mind#isat spoilers#<- for the . wall of tags to come#imm wondering what most people hc mdp to like. be#i know its most popular to see it as siffrins sadness. i do think thats p neat#and probably the intention#but im. juggling around the idea of? siffrin system moment? mdp as a headmate? if yall see that vision?#most inspired by that ‘do u hc this character as a system’ post abt siffrin#and i voted no then but now im like genuinely changing my mind JFKFKF#it makes sense in a way. and into my mdp hc that it. wouldve split while sif was very young#splitting due to stress which leads to a lot of. gestures vaguely. mdp’s whole thing#a mix of stress but also this sense of longing to. belong somewhere. to not be alone#many years ago it was about the loss of their home. and much later on became more related to its feelings towards their family#mdp is a scared child to me . idk about yalls hcs for it but thats what im sticking to#a scared child who maybe grew up a little alongside the body. but still Young and Scared#its not as often or eager to front as siffrin is. i can imagine it being much more hover-y or . POSSIBLY. cohosting if its feeling up to it#uhm. ok well#so i typed this out and now im actually really sad about mdp jgkdkf where is mdp recovery#now im kinda thinking about it fronting for once to properly meet the party and. and receiving comfort. and and and#wow christ im upset#also also glancing over at marias sibling au for character dynamics here….. sillies…..#ps not relevant to my mdp thoughts but fyi im imagining siffin in headspace looks very much like their body#the difference being. much darker clothes. more stars etc. maybe different hair#think like how a lot of ppl style their human loops. thats kinda how i imagine sif in headspace#SPEAKING OF LOOP#i think given the time he spent with them it woulf make sense if they split a loop as well#and ofc other members of the party jgkfkf#im not gonna get into my hcs there because ill b taking away from my mdp hc post BUT#thinking. always thinking
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NEW PFP?
I'm Numbers for now..... I honestly had a better idea for a theme last night but it was late and I didn't care. I'll fiddle with it today
#the heron heareth#christ i didnt sleep last night im so tired and it looks ugly this morning#i did have a gery stressful dream about airports within like 15 minutes sleeping between alarms though. yay
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*coughs up blood* yeah bloodborne's pretty good
#my post#bloodborne#fucking god this fight is a good one. won it by the skin of my teeth i think bc im really dogshit at parry timing (so barely bothered)#and im still getting used to how this game wants you to approach fights#proooobably gonna stick with the cane for the style points and im just generally getting used to it#but i might pick smth else as a second option bc i do have issues with like. bounce off or w/e with the whip form#not part of the video is me going 'CHRIST' once done bc man. man oh man#bosses where they really really really really really want to beat your ass are always really fun and stressful
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kaiju no. 8 chapter 114 moodboard
#kaiju no. 8#my brother in christ i am STRESSED OUT#if anything happens to mina ill lose my mind#she's become like... my second fave character because of this arc#and im looking back like ohhhh. ohhhhhhh those are death flags#ohhhhh this is gonna be another one piece ace situation where the lack of main character death lulls you into a false sense of security#SPECIFICALLY so that this will have more impact#and act as a turning point for the series#ive been here before i know this drill. i truly dont think theres any way to win this fight rn. this is gonna be a heavy defeat#which on one hand YAY because that means the manga is still going and defeating no. 9 isnt the end#but on the other hand OURUUURRHGGHHHHH#kn.8 spoilers#mina#ashiro mina#kn.8#kaiju no. 8 114
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9 people i want to get to know better tagged by @bawnjourno thank you pal!!!!! 💖
last song: my baby must be a magician - the marvelettes
favorite color: purple!!!
currently watching: cheers (new) twin peaks (rewatch) night court (new) and movies every dayyy
sweet/savory/spicy: sweet!! if i don't have a sweet little treat i pass away actually
currently playing: not a gamer but im playing a game called august where i make it through every day of august
current obsession: the latest addition to my assortment of goofy guys, slowly collecting vintage clothing and books, even more slowly working on my film screenplay (and documentary idea. and tv show idea .), very very excited for my upcoming vacation to california for the 3rd time in a row! and if i ever repair the dvd drive on my laptop im gonna start making my own dvds of movies with embedded subtitles that dont already have them on a dvd release bc i cant hear!!!
tagging @footnoteinhistory @bicolumbo @starringvincentprice @mariocki @eddie-rifff @jefffreybeaumont @seaofreverie @jellojellyroll and @crystalblast !! no pressure if you dont wanna!
#that song is number one on my on repeat NOBODY look at me . christ#im like. a little over halfway into cheers its fun#guy that says hes watching a show (night court) when hes still only two episodes in. i will watch more eventually i Promise#rewatching twin peaks is incredibly funny at this stage in my life bc i have the horrifying realization that im older than laura palmer#and i also wonder with each episode why in gods name was i watching this as a kid and it was my favorite show. what a time#as someone who watches movies every day letterboxd is great for the fun of logging them. reading reviews not so much#my poor poor screenplay ive been working on this idea for . wow 5 years#vacation is gonna be so fun and its what i really need after a stressful year. california my beloved#my dvd project let me explain. like obviously i can hear but i Need subtitles i am not going to understand what people are saying#and some dvds just don't have subtitles or closed captions which is when i download the movie and the subtitles and merge them into an mkv#right now they're just on a usb but again ideally i plan to make my own dvds#anyway . again don't feel like you gotta do this if i tagged you#and thank u again daley for tagging me!!#AND IF I DIDNT TAG YOU OR FORGOT YOU CAN DO THIS TOO . i should say
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my rogue and gambit brain rot is so bad actually like. why do i want to read mr and mrs x for the billionth time?? what is Wrong With Me. i have so many other things to read and yet i want to read the same rogue and gambit trades over and over this is a DISEASE
#i know ill get over this in a few days#theyre just so comforting and fun and im hella stressed rn so theyre a good escape#christ tho im so rotted in the brain akdjlajd#romy#x men#this is a ramble
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okay i lied i never want to see my dad again :) he can die alone with his cars :)
#i dont understand!!! im so fruatrated lol#hes supposed to help my brother who just got out of jail and has no where to go#and was all set up to stay with my dad but ofc the unreliable piece of gutter shit that he is decides to throw him out for no reason#which he does all the time. because hes a piece of shit!!!! i'm not my brother's biggest fan but that means my mom has to stress and worry#and shits complicated so my brother isn't allowed Here and can't stay with her#and its just. jesus christ. i hate this man. be a fucking father for once in your life you fucking stupid prick#'call me any time you need anything i'll answer any hour etc'#NO FUCK YOU DUDE. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.#you can't even do the bare minimum of letting your son sleep on your fucking couch for a few months you don't get shit from me#i won't even visit your fucking grave asshole
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I maintain that stress sickness is a stupid maladaptive response like oooohhh the numbers in my bank account aren't big enough so now my body is cooking itself. bruh.
#my financial situation isnt like dire or a crisis (yet) but its not what i would like it to be.#too many expenses all at once kinda fucked me over.#im hoping itll even out but god its stressful.#dgmw ive always been smart about savings and stuff and we have like. enough for rent and whatnot.#as well as emergency money for... yk whatever.#but still i dont like using my savings (even tho thats what theyre for)#and its still stressful to go over numbers#esp bc we have so many weddings this year.#i rlly think joe and i made the right call to elope#i love weddings and the celebration of love. but i think us going to city hall and doing it there#might have been the right move. bc holy jesus fucking shit christ. planning weddings is soooo stress#my irls often have me help plan stuff like this bc im good at planning if its not for myself#and im also as my brother puts it ''good at nutting up and shutting others up'' on the day of#bc i can herd ppl. yk. good skill ig.#but also holy fucking shit even a small wedding is ludicrously expensive.#id like to have a wedding celebration with joe one day of course#but also. idk man planning it looks like HELL
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fuck man im gonna have to start looking for a job for real after I take my ged this sucks ass dude
#just blahs#uughenc#i hate this#so much#this is hell#im so scared you guys i cant fucking do this#im not scared for the ged thatll be fine#but getting a job :/#bad#evil#ive lasted so long not having one bcs ' im focusing on my schoolwork ^-^ '#and now i wont have any sort of excuse to not get one and i am terrified#the last time i was looking into getting a job i had a complete breakdown bcs it was so stressful and i didn't even do anything#jesus christ
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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once again posting a reminder (very gently, when you consider how fucking frustrated i am) that i am anti-kff! there are otherkin terms that people can use and, instead of educating themselves on this, they actively CHOOSE to belittle and bully otherkin folks, all while being a teensy tiny little bit ableist in how they go about it. its not a "erm these people are just minding their business and they're ALSO kin anyway" NO they are NOT. they are, by very fucking definition, either 'hearted or 'link (IF their connection is genuine ANYWAYS). that is NOT. KIN. and its kinda fucking telling if you think a community whose entire existence hinges on deliberate ignorance and harassment of a group is equal to the group theyre harassing and bastardising the terms and experiences of
#am i making ANY FUCKING SENSE#i swear to GOD#"dni antikin (this includes anti-kff) no the FUCK it does NOT#because kff ISNT. KIN#JESUS FUCKING! CHRIST!!!#kff “kins” are LINKTYPES and HEARTTYPES most often (again. if theyre not just being hashtag quirky on the internet)#also please please fuck off if you use the word “k/nn/e” i dont even care if you arent kff just. please go away#im stressed as balls man i dont like having to think about shit that stresses me out and annoys me but here i am! thinking about it!#this isnt directed at anyone btw i just keep seeing “omg this character is one of my biggest kins (kff)” and im so fucking tired of it#its mainly on tiktok anyways so im kinda shouting at air but fuck off#and like even when i see other ACTUAL otherkin/nonhuman/alterhuman folks say “oh yeah i 'kin' this character for fun”#it makes me so aggressively uncomfortable cause just. use 'link' man#use 'click' or 'heart'#stop Doing That cause thats not a fucking kintype and you are contributing to the problem (though minorly compared to other stuff)#theres also this one server wherein people would act and talk about their hearttypes as if they were kintypes despite outright saying -#- THEMSELVES “oh yeah this is a hearttype”#do you know what a fucking hearttype is?#are you stupid?
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