#kn.8 spoilers

[sanjipussyindulgence]

they are talking about kafka btw

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

The Book: Everything We Know So Far and Possible Connections

The Book's lore is driving me crazy and I had to write this. This isn't meant to be a solid cohesive theory on anything but I wanted to compile everything we know about the Book, some rather disturbing implications of what that might mean, and which characters may or may not have a connection to it, as well as what that connection might be.

This is a long post, so I've bolded the key info. You can skim those if you don't want to go through everything. :)

***Major spoilers for BSD and for Beast!***

Main Series Information:

The first mentions of the Book occur in Chapter 28, when Fitzgerald tells Atsushi that the Guild's goal is to locate it. He tells Atsushi that only one copy of this book exists, and that neither flames nor abilities can damage it.

Fitzgerald claims he knows the Book is there because a prophet ability user foresaw that it had been sealed within Yokohama. When Atsushi asks what the relation is between him and the Book, Fitzgerald says that Atsushi is the guide to the Book.

In Chapter 35, Fitzgerald states that his goal is to use the Book to bring his daughter back to life.

The next mention is in Chapter 46, when Dazai talks to Fyodor in the alley. Dazai mentions that since Fyodor and the Rats don't have the firepower to burn down Yokohama, he instead needs to exterminate Yokohama's ability users to get to the Book, hence the cannibalism strategy.

Dazai says the true Book is a single novel with blank pages where anything written becomes the truth. Fyodor wishes to use it to make a world without the sin of ability users. Dazai says basically "good luck with that dude" lol. (Actually the line is "Give that a go, if you can, that is." which... might be significant?)

Chapter 58: Taneda dumps a lot of info on Ranpo. His assailant, who we know to be Sigma, stole a page from him, a single page removed from the Book in order to study it. The page has exactly the same capacity to make anything written become reality, it just has limited space to write. However, the Book has a restriction: it requires karmic/narrative consistency.

In Chapter 58.5, Mykola's speech about cages and the freedom of birds is ironically dictated word for word by a mysterious author. The translator note on the unofficial version I'm reading says the mysterious author is using imperfect Japanese with lots of katakana - I cannot confirm this myself, but it has interesting implications on our mystery author's identity if true. The page is used to position the Agency as the terrorists in the white hoods and frame them.

Chapter 59: Ranpo believes the Book was not made by an ability user but by something far greater than that. His proof is that unlike Mushitarou's ability, which can also alter reality, the people affected by the Book also have new memories to fit the alteration to the events. The Agency members remember committing the crime, even though they know they didn't.

In Chapter 70, Mushitarou reveals the DoA plans to use the other side of the page to eliminate the country at the next full moon. I am curious as to the significance of the full moon, given the moon's frequent recurrence in the series and Atsushi's ability connection to it. Chapter 74.5 establishes that the Sky Casino, with its 13 year history, was created 8 days ago when the page was written on, as a base for the next stage and also to "repay" Sigma for the use of his ability to retrieve it. In Chapter 75, Fyodor claims that Sigma, too, was written into existence via the Book 3 years ago - he has no memories before this point.

Chapter 77: the page was written with a condition that no police or law enforcement would believe in the Agency's innocence. However, Tachihara broke through that condition by reaffirming his identity as a member of the Mafia, which (metaphorically) tears the page.

Later references don't tell us too much more but I'll summarize them regardless. Kamui/Fukuchi has the page, which Atsushi knows from Sigma's info. Ranpo made an appeal to the police, explaining that the Agency was framed and the page preventing them from seeing the truth, and half the force sees the truth for themselves, breaking through the page's condition. Ranpo believed the direct opposition to the page's restrictions might sway Fukuchi into believing them (unfortunately, we don't know if this was right, as Fukuchi was not affected in the first place, being Kamui himself). And that's what we have so far.

Disturbing Implication #1: The Special Division knows/knew the location of the Book.

Taneda mentions that a page from the Book was taken to study. This implies that at one point, the Special Division had the Book or knew of its location. The higher ups may still know where it is. There are a few potential timelines here: the first is that the page was removed many, many years earlier, perhaps during the war, and the second is that the page was removed and tested 3 years ago, and Sigma resulted from these trials.

Disturbing Implication #2: Ranpo says the Book was created by something greater.

Something greater than ability users. I suspect this may be something outside their world. At this stage, it seems very likely this "greater entity" is an author - the author of the world we read about (it's Asagiri omg). An author, to the world they write, is akin to a god. I'm kind of joking about the Asagiri thing, but the "author" of the Book is likely someone/something that exists beyond the scope of the world of BSD.

Contradiction: The Book cannot be damaged by flame or ability, but pages can be torn out of it? How?

Beast Information:

Oh boy. Where to even start?

Beast Dazai states that the Book is the origin of the main universe's world, and it contains an infinite number of parallel worlds within it.

"What you write becomes a reality" is actually a misnomer. Writing in the Book calls a parallel world that aligns with what is written directly from the Book. This parallel world will then trade places with the real world.

There is a single physical reality, and infinite possible worlds. The Beast universe exists within the Book, as a possible world.

A version of the Book exists in the Beast universe. However, this Beast version of the Book is more of a weakness. Orders from the real world can overwrite Beast. And anyone who tries to write in Beast's Book will make Beast cease to exist.

Beast Dazai jumps at the end of Beast. This is because if more than 3 people know the truth about the Book, the world will destabilize - it may even disappear without Beast's Book being written in.

Beast Dazai created a singularity using his ability. It's not explained how he did this, but it has something to do with his nullification. He did this to read the memories of real-world/original Dazai - the Dazai who exists outside the Book. (It seems all but given that this is Dazai from the main timeline.)

Though the above conflicts with some of what we know in the main manga, we can take it as fact, I think. The narration is heavy on emphasizing that Beast Dazai is telling no lies in this scene.

Disturbing Implication #3: Any alterations are not inventions but transferrals, which means these events actually occurred in another universe.

This means that the Agency really were the DoA terrorists in a parallel world and they did carry out the plan. They really did take the hostages in this world. Tanizaki really did push the button. This would explain their memories. The caveat of no one in law enforcement believing them might make sense too - they're actually criminals in that world, so they would have no reason to believe them. "Trading places" also implies that the terrorist Agency universe has the terrorists trying to save the hostages like the Agency originally planned to do (potentially).

Sigma is an interesting case. If he really was written into existence from the Book, then he was called from another parallel world - literally displaced from his home. His amnesia likely occurred in that parallel world too.

Disturbing Implication #4: The parallel worlds are more fragile than the main world of BSD.

There is something different about our main universe. The Book that originates here is the real deal. But Beast's (and all the Books from different parallel worlds) leave them vulnerable. These worlds can be destroyed at any time if anyone tries to write in these Books. Only a select number of people can know how it really works before it starts to destabilize. What's more, at any point, someone could write in the real-world's Book and overwrite it entirely, and there would be nothing that any of the people within that world could do about it. And Beast Akutagawa, thinking back on the events of the story, comes to the conclusion that even though his world is "but a shadow", the desires, feelings and actions of the people within it make those people no less real than those in the original.

Beast is a goddamn existential horror.

Character Connections

Now, onto the characters who are known to have some kind of connection to the Book.

Fitzgerald wanted the Book in the Guild arc to bring back his daughter. While this is the first mention of it, given that he got his info from clearly secondhand sources (the prophet ability user or Fyodor, most likely), I don't think he has any sort of deeper understanding of it, nor a more personal connection. Ranpo seems to be figuring out the Book's logistics rather quickly, but I expect nothing less from the greatest detective, and he doesn't have a strong personal connection I can see as of yet. As for Fukuchi, whatever knowledge he gained 36 years ago might be connected... but again, I have nothing else to say on this front, considering we have little else on this (I'm actually more inclined to think it has to do with the war - which may tie in with the Book, but not necessarily). I would also be very surprised if Mori doesn't know something but I have no real evidence for this other than that the man is suspicious as hell. Then again, there's also Tokoyami Island, which "appeared" seemingly out of nowhere and is where Yosano's backstory took place and Fukuchi headed after his argument with Fukuzawa. It seems possible, if not likely, that it was created with the Book. So, let's go over some characters who we actually can expand on a little.

Taneda

Not much to say here other than what kind of research was being done with the Book? Given that Taneda had the page on him, was he the one responsible for the research being conducted on it, or was he just involved?

What kind of research was being done with the page? How were they testing it? The page was blank, so they must not have created anything with it yet. How then, did Taneda know how it worked and that the page would have the same capacities as the full Book?

Taneda doesn't seem to understand the Book completely - he thinks it was created by an ability user, after all, and like everyone else in the main universe he doesn't know the reason the Book requires narrative consistency (that it is pulling from other worlds, not just making anything written come true).

The Special Division likely had the Book at one point, but by the time Fitzgerald comes to retrieve it, it has been "sealed". Did the Special Division seal it? Why and how?

Atsushi

We know he has a lot to do with it. Atsushi and the Book are incredibly intertwined, and the initial conflict was kicked off by a bounty placed on his head for this connection.

He is called the "guide" to the Book. What does that mean? Is he meant to locate it? Unlock the seal? Or is he a guide on how to use it properly?

6 years ago, Shibusawa found Atsushi at the orphanage when he was just a kid and tortured him to extract his ability. He was a researcher who learned about the tiger from Fyodor, who called Atsushi's ability "one that guides the envy of all ability users". And we know Fyodor has been after the Book for a long time, so it's difficult to imagine this does not have something to do with it.

Atsushi is the only character to directly reference a real-life novel in the series and recall reading it. "The head may err but never the blood" and "I only regret what I haven't done" are from the real Nakajima Atsushi's "Light, Wind, and Dreams", a fictionalized autobiography detailing the last few years of the life of Robert Louis Stevenson. While other characters quote their namesakes' fiction on occasion, to my recollection, Atsushi is the only one who explicitly remembers reading the book, but finds himself unable to remember the author's name. Cute reference, or plot significant? You decide.

Atsushi's tiger is heavily associated with the moon, particularly the full moon. For some reason, the other side of the page is to be used at the next full moon and cannot be used sooner. Atsushi's ability crystal, pulled out of him by Shibusawa as a child, is described as "pale and glittering like the moon".

It is entirely unlike the red crystals that form in the Dead Apple separated abilities - including Atsushi's tiger (also red). It is, however, similar to Dazai's, which is white. Atsushi transforms into the tiger to swallow the moon-like crystal - to reiterate, it was outside him when he transformed. What's more, from Beast it's known that this instance was when his ability apparently activated for the first time - how could it do that if it was already removed from him? Later on, Shibusawa tries to take the crystal again and Atsushi's transformation deteriorates, that's true, but bear in mind that Atsushi was convinced that crystal was the tiger, which may have psychologically influenced this. In fact, the moon crystal may not be the tiger at all. It is entirely possible it is something else, and it is likely that which makes Atsushi so sought after. If it is, I refuse to believe this has nothing to do with the Book.

Atsushi's ability is described as the "spark of life that resists all abilities". A reference to his healing factor, perhaps? Or something more meaningful?

He's also referred to as an "angel" by Shibusawa who canonically got his information from Fyodor so... make of that what you will.

Tachihara

This isn't so much about Tachihara having significance in future but more about what his breaking of the page's conditions might mean.

At the crux of this is his split identity - he's a Hunting Dog, but also a mafioso, and his struggle between these identities is his core conflict in the Sky Casino arc.

Eventually, Tachihara, recalling Hirotsu and Gin's words that anyone in the Mafia knows that the Agency is innocent, frantically realizes they have the wrong culprits, thus breaking through the page's caveat that all law enforcement would never believe them, accompanied by a metaphorical tear in the page.

It's intriguing because we don't see this same dramatic depiction later on with the police when Ranpo appeals to them - Tachihara has changed his expected role from police to mafioso. Tachihara is no longer playing the "character" he was meant to play.

He tore out of that restriction in the story. His story line is now on a different path. There are some serious implications of that if a change in character can literally break people free of the Book's reality-altering influence. It is all-powerful so long as everyone plays their expected role in that narrative. Breaking out of that can change the story, even if only minutely.

Sigma

Of course Sigma is connected. He was apparently written into the Book three years ago - which means he came from one of the parallel worlds. (Provided Fyodor is telling the truth about his origins, but I think it would be very strange narratively if this wasn't - at least partially - true.)

I am curious if Sigma will regain some of his memories soon, or if it is even possible for him. If he can regain memories, then they would be from a world within the Book. Or, perhaps his memories don't exist because that world has been overwritten and no longer exists?

Is it possible for Sigma to communicate between worlds using his exchange of information? Maybe this is completely out of left field... I'm just curious what role Sigma is going to play in all this.

It's strange, for someone so obviously connected I... really don't have much to say about him. I just think we don't have enough.

Mykola

There isn't too much to say for certain about him, but I know I was super uncomfortable with his entire speech about birds and cages and freedom being dictated in real-time by the page. That's rough, buddy.

As of this moment, he's supposed to be dead, but somehow defied his fate and is still alive. He decided not to play the role ("character") he was previously meant to, and now he is the cast's biggest wildcard.

Mykola's fixation on freedom at all costs may have some interesting implications for his interactions with the idea of the Book. When his words were written on the page, was the page dictating his speech, or was it merely recording what he was already saying? If the Book is the story, then does the story control the characters, or, as it has been implied by Mykola and Tachihara, can the characters defy the story? When they defy the story, the story changes to accommodate this. Have they really, then, defied anything of significance at all? (For clarity: I don't know if this is where BSD will go with it - in actuality, I'm always confused when people theorize the Book's author is evil and controlling, or that the series will end tragically, given how much BSD loves to emphasize the importance of writing and reading and understanding and living. This is just an example of a few possible questions it may make sense for Mykola to fixate on.)

I don't have a lot to say for certain, but given his need to be free, his connection with Fyodor, and his Dazai-foiling traits, I'd think it very odd if he wasn't involved to some extent.

Dazai

...where to even start.

Dazai clearly knows things about the Book. He appears to know much of what Fyodor does, and it makes me curious as to whether it came up when they first met (whenever that was).

However, main series Dazai doesn't seem to have all the info Beast Dazai does. For one thing, he too echoes that the Book makes all that is written into it become reality. He may know about the parallel worlds within it and could just be lying by omission, but I've seen very little to suggest that this is the case.

Main series Dazai appears to know about certain events long before they occur (not everything though; I need to remind people that he can and has been thrown off/wrong about things before) - notably, most of these planned events revolve around Fyodor. He's been preparing Atsushi and Akutagawa specifically to deal with the upcoming threat posed by Fyodor's pursuit of the Book.

Beast Dazai was somehow able to read the memories of real-world Dazai by creating a singularity with his ability... somehow. It's assumed he must've created it while in contact with the Book (otherwise how else could he have read the memories) but it's actually not elaborated on and we still have little to no details.

If his nullification caused a singularity, then how? Was it a singularity with the Book? Himself? Whatever the Book was sealed with/in? Singularities are still quite mysterious, but they need to involve one of two things - an insurmountable contradiction, or an uncontrollable increase in power with no way to cap it. Given that nullification doesn't lend itself to an increase in anything, it's likely an inherent contradiction.

I think it pretty obvious that Dazai has some special knowledge of the Book; some connection to it. He's been preparing to combat Fyodor for many, many years, and he seems to want to take Fyodor out as quickly as possible. Clearly, his potential use of the Book is a big deal to Dazai and worth putting his full effort into preventing, which is a little odd, honestly, considering he only met him once before the events of Dead Apple. Fyodor must've really made a terrible impression on him.

Where did he come from? There's that post about how Dazai is in everyone else's backstory for some reason, but we don't know his yet. Here's what we do know: He has some kind of connection with the Old Mafia Boss. He wandered around Yokohama for awhile. He's not related to Mori or an orphan he picked up.

While I've seen suggestions that Dazai met Fyodor in the 2 year gap between his leaving the Mafia and joining the ADA, I think there's reason to suggest he may have met Fyodor before he ever joined the Mafia, as a young child. Just bringing it up as a possibility because Beast Dazai's forming of a singularity with it sounded intentional - which means at 16, he would already have known what the Book was. Did he get his knowledge from Fyodor? Someone else?

Why did young Dazai become so listless and unable to find a reason to live? How did he become convinced that he will lose everything he wants so badly to keep when he gets it? Why did he think he could predict everything in advance? Is it just his intelligence and observation? Or is there more to it than that?

While I'm not a huge fan of the "Dazai is the Book" theory (given that it would make him literally inhuman, which I think runs antithetical to his story), on reviewing all this I've come up with a new incredibly deranged and not-at-all-sound theory:

Dazai is the Book's seal. In this essay I will -

Fyodor

First of all, we know hardly anything about him. We don't understand his ability. We don't even know how old he is. He's been with V/the Decay of the Angel for many years apparently... he was involved in Shibusawa's actions... he has some kind of a history with Dazai... he perfected the art of dramatically standing on windy roofs... truly, he's an enigma.

On a more serious note, all we know is that he wants the Book to create a world free of ability users. Free of sin.

This doesn't seem to fully align with Fukuchi's goal. My proof? They have differing concepts of "angels".

Fukuchi's "angels" borrow from the Buddhist concept of Devas and also likely references Mishima Yukio's The Decay of the Angel. Fukuchi tells Tachihara that the angels are the politicians who remain in their lofty seats and send soldiers into war to die. His goal isn't revenge per se, but it does appear to involve dethroning them in a sense. He doesn't mention wiping out ability users nor of having any particular ill-will towards them.

However, Fyodor's concept is closer to the Abrahamic concept of angel, what with the numerous references to original sin, the script for the play in Untold Origins speaking of angels banished by God for their sins, etc. What's interesting is that the play emphasizes ability users as "angels" who have regained some of their prior powers (I find it difficult to believe Fyodor was not involved in the creation of this) - so Fyodor's "sinful angels" are likely ability users. What does this mean for their goals? Are they still aligned? Is the undermining of government necessary for the elimination of ability users? (Also quick note: do not quote me on any religious stuff - I am not religious myself. I do research sometimes but I'm very, very far from an expert ahaha.)

So, now: Cannibalism was part 1 of the DoA's plan, and all the ensuing stages will culminate in the use of the other side of the page.

Firstly, there's the obvious "what will the other side of the page be used for?"

But then there's something else. By the time Cannibalism occurred, the pieces were already in place for the next phase of the plan, where Sigma would steal the page from Taneda. Why then, does Fyodor still claim, on numerous occasions, to be after the Book? The page should be able to accomplish anything the Book can. Either there is something misleading in the information we have been told, or there is something he wants to do with the Book that isn't writing in it. I think the former is more likely but I digress, the latter is still a possibility.

A few more outstanding questions: Why was he spreading info on Atsushi to Shibusawa and presumably Fitzgerald, but not going after Atsushi himself? Wouldn't he want Atsushi as the Book's guide?

What is his connection to the prophet ability user Fitzgerald mentioned - is it him, with his uncanny predictive powers? Is it someone else associated with the DoA? Is it someone in the government? How long ago was this prediction made - was it made long enough ago that this is why V was active in Yokohama?

There's a lot that's very confusing about Fyodor, and I don't think we know nearly enough about him to make proper predictions as to his relation to the Book yet.

Akutagawa

He's only really tangentially related to it through his connection to Atsushi - if any showdown is going to happen involving the Book, you can bet he and Akutagawa will be teaming up for that.

At the same time, Dazai selected Akutagawa as a mentee a long time ago, and he's been planning for them to work together since he met Atsushi, specifically so they can prevent Fyodor from achieving his goals. In Beast, he mentions their abilities form a singularity together - likely that ability to "cut through anything".

I know this may be entirely wild and out of left field but if it can cut through anything... could it damage the impervious Book? Could it even destroy it? Or maybe it could destroy whatever is sealing it? Who knows, but it makes me think they're going to have to destroy something. (Interesting how this runs counter to sskk's need to act as protectors of the Book in Beast... so maybe it will be in defense. It's all so unclear.)

There's also the whole "dragon is the manifestation of the chaos of ability users". Atsushi and Akutagawa are the tiger and the dragon, at odds with each other via rivalry but also in balance. I think it would be very strange if Atsushi's ability were unusual but not Akutagawa's.

In addition to all the above, I am also side-eyeing all the author characters in this series. For one thing, there's very few of them. For another, two of them have died, changing the path of their respective best friends' lives - and in a series that actually... doesn't kill that many named characters off permanently, it's worth taking a look at.

Yokomizo wanted to transcend the boundaries of fiction in his writing to create a mystery that bled into reality - the ultimate mystery. Mushitarou writes to see his friend again, to connect with him through his greatest passion. Poe's ability allows him to take real people and pull them into constructed narratives that can be escaped once they are "solved" - when the story reaches its conclusion. He is also the one who spurs Mushitarou into writing to cope with his loss.

Natsume wrote a few books as well. We don't know completely what they were about (and from my brief research they don't seem to correspond perfectly to his real life novels - might be a reference to Kokoro but the story does not appear to be the same...), but at least one was a series of three novels, with the last featuring an assassin who stopped killing, but Natsume derided these books and said they were not very good. He tore out the last few pages from the third, final book that explained why the assassin changed his path, and gave the book to a young Odasaku with a note "Don't blame me if you regret [reading] it".

Odasaku wanted to complete that novel. It completely changed his perspective on the world and opened his eyes - he re-read it multiple times (if I remember correctly, he also read it over and over to a wounded and exasperated Dazai in TDIPUD lol), and the lack of an ending bothered him immensely, not just because the story was incomplete, but because the scene was necessary to understanding the assassin's character. Odasaku wrote to understand himself and others, because writing novels is writing people. Natsume seemed to think he was uniquely qualified to do so, but Odasaku disagreed, thinking that someone who took lives was in no position to write about them - to understand them.

Odasaku dies. In every universe, and before he gets the chance to write the novel that sits in his mind - except in Beast, where Dazai painstakingly maintained the world to ensure he stayed alive. It seems oddly specific that this one random person should die before having the opportunity to write the story he wished... and I have to wonder if the universe really doesn't want him writing that book for some reason. And if that's the case, then is there any reason (beyond saving Oda from killing) why Natsume encouraged him to do so?

As a bonus, in the anime, Odasaku is the one to title drop "to the stray dogs" as a cheers, which Dazai will later echo. This doesn't happen in the novel... but if you look back at the difference between the anime Book and the manga Book - you'll notice the manga Book's cover is blank. The anime's says "Stray Dogs". Could be something, could be nothing. But it's worth mentioning.

And that's pretty much it for now! As we get more info, I'll continue to update this post. If anything here gives you ideas, please feel free to ramble about it in the tags or comments, or shoot me an ask! I love to read all your thoughts. :)

[krystaldeath]

Cotl Auuuuu

It’s modern time babeyyyy

* This au does take place in modern day but it technically “starts” in the late 90s bc it’s a Narinder and Lamb were childhood best friends au :))

* I honestly have the most ideas for when they’re in high school but I’ll get to that in a bit (also should say this was inspired by that one prom post from redcrowncafe where Lamb talks about their prom date who was an asshole and wishes they knew Narinder then so they could’ve gone with each other. Saw that and thought “okay but what if they did” and that spiraled out of control)

* I’ve yet to say that my personal headcanon for Lamb’s family is that they had two moms, and three younger siblings (a sister about 12 years younger, and 18 years younger twins; one male one amab gender-fluid). The twins don’t show up till Lamb is, well, 18 tho so they won’t come up much yet

* The Bishops (Bishop is just their last name here) are all foster siblings who have shitty foster parents. Shamura stays even a bit into their early 20s because of this since they don’t want to leave their younger siblings alone with those two. The foster parents’ were abusive in multiple ways, and they also kept any money the Bishop’s respective parents might’ve left for their offspring to themselves (spoiler: Shamura’s in particular were LOADED and so when the Bishops are finally away from these two they’re pretty much set for life). It’s after a particularly scary night where a two year old Leshy and a six year old Heket are threatened while Shamura and the parents are arguing that something in Shamura snaps and they begin to plan to murder their foster parents. Yay!

* I don’t have the details but they in fact /do/ kill them. Thing is they’re super smart about it and hardly any evidence can be traced back to them. It is a small town though so there aren’t too many suspects and overall the one who would have the motive and probable method would be Shamura (unless they wanna try and pin it of 13 year old Kallamar or 8 year old Narinder). Thing is, their foster parents? No one liked them. So no one’s gonna point fingers. The police try and press people to give a suspect but no one does. So the case goes cold. But, even though no one liked the two, murder is still frowned upon by most so the siblings move away.

* But BEFORE all that let me explain a bit about Nari and Lamb’s friendship: they met in kindergarten (idk why they’re in the same grade when I hc Lamb to be a year older but shhh) and while Narinder tried to act “cool” and “aloof” Lamb was having none of it and dragged him along on little kid adventures like playing in the mud and pretending to be power rangers. Also almost from the get go Nari had a little crush on Lamb lol. Since Nari and his sibs move away when he’s 8, these two knew each other for 3 years. Idk what all happens in that time. Like I said most of what I’ve thought up for this au (mainly about Narilamb) happens in their high school years. It is thanks to their play dates at each others houses that Lamb figures out that being nonbinary is a thing from Shamura and is like “Wait… Me too???”

* After the move, Nari and Lamb stay connected through letters and phone calls. They also send pictures of all kinds of things, mainly of themselves so the other “won’t forget what I look like!” Neither make many lasting friends, at least, not ones around the same age as them (Lamb befriends Ratau and his buddies. Narinder befriends kind library assistant Forneus and her two twin sons).

* Lamb is loud and proud about who they are, which unfortunately makes them targeted for bullying, though it’s not just for their gender, it’s also because of their - Idk a better word than quirky Sorry - personality and the rumors about their long distance best friend; there’s multiple rumors, like that he doesn’t exist (this comes from those who don’t know much about the whole Bishop family scandal) or that he’s a murderer, just like his older sibling (this comes from those that /do/ know, ofc)

* Btw over the course of these years they’ve been apart Nari’s crush has only grown and Lamb has also gained a crush on Nari themself

* OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY TIME FOR THE BIT I HAVE THE MOST OF AN IDEA FOR GET READY (it’s super cheesy and corny and honestly feels like a Disney channel original movie but this fandom could use a little more of that imo so let me live)

* So, I know some schools would let Juniors have their own prom. Let’s say Lamb’s school does that. They had been asked by some guy to be his prom date and figured “why not?” and accepted. Thing is the guy asked if they could buy his ticket, and being the nice person (yet to decide if this is also a human au or if they’re still all animals) they are they do so. The guy then just takes the ticket and tells them to get lost. Lamb didn’t like the guy but it still hurt to have their kindness taken advantage of. They tell Narinder all about it and admit they probably won’t even go to the prom, even though they already bought a ticket and outfit. Nari, who Lamb can’t see bc it’s just a phone call, is absolutely SEETHING.

* Now Narinder has a mission: Get a tux, flowers, and other gifts. Convince Shamura to let him go in his truck (yeah he drives a truck in this au, idk it’s just the car I imagined when I thought it up lol) and be away from home for a few of days (it would take about a day to drive there, then he’d want to stay for at least one or two, then another to drive back). Shamura is reluctant (that town holds a lot of bad memories and him being so far away when he’s only 16 is scary), but seeing the determination in his eyes makes them relent.

* He calls Lamb’s moms and lets them know his plan, but wants it to be a surprise. They both agree to convince them to go to prom even if they will be going alone, without letting it slip that they will have a prom date after all.

* Prom night comes around, and Lamb, who is dressed in a tux-dress combo, is confused as to why their moms, who were so insistent that they go, aren’t ready to take them? (Projecting my reluctance to learn to drive onto them here, so that’s why they can’t drive themself). Then the doorbell rings. They answer and see Narinder (who is now like a foot taller wow couldn’t tell that in the photos he sent) in a tuxedo holding a bouquet and corsage. He’s got a nervous smile on his face as he says “I know it’s a little last minute, but will you allow me to accompany you to prom?”

* Almost a full minute passes in silence, making Nari sweat and begin to regret doing all of this. Then he gets jumped by Lamb into a hug that topples them both to the ground as they scream “YES!!!”. Thankfully they aren’t hurt and their formal wear is alright, though they wouldn’t notice otherwise, their focuses only on each other’s laughter and presence.

* When he opens the passenger door for them there’s a basket of treats, jewelry and a black cat plushie. “Ohh, Narinderrrr! You’re making me feel like I’m royalty!” “You are, to me.” *pause as they look at each other in flustered silence* “A-ANYWAYS WERE SHOULD GET GOING RIGHT?” “OH YEAH YOURE RIGHT. Uh, help me up?” He helps them climb into their seat, close the door, and silently screams about how dumb that was (while Lamb is inside internally screams about how sweet that was and oh no they think they’re falling for him)

* They get there (Yeah I realized Nari doesn’t have a ticket but let’s say somehow there was enough for him to buy one at the entrance) and they’re having a good time (only barely noticing the looks they’re getting and the whispers of “Isn’t that one of the Bishop siblings? Figures Lamb would have to settle for a murderer to be their date.”), dancing, eating and drinking the possibly spiked punch. I’m sorry to say some hurt is about to happen

* They have a run in with the guy who tricked Lamb and Nari almost breaks the guys nose before Lamb pulls him away saying it’s not worth it. He’s about to disagree and say something embarrassing again like “maybe /he’s/ not worth it but /you/ are and he hurt you so he deserves to be punched” when a girl “accidentally” spills her whole cup of punch onto Lamb’s outfit. Everyone around them laughs and Lamb, barely blinking back tears, runs out of the building. Narinder growls at them all and runs after Lamb.

* He finds them curled up by a tree outside, and sits down next to them. He tries to comfort them but they sob out “Just take me back home.” He agrees to do so, but tells them to go wash up a bit in the bathroom while he gets something. As they’re washing up he knocks on the door and asks to come in. They let him and see he’s holding a box. He tells them he planned on giving it to them later after Prom for something else he had planned but figured they’d just go now since Lamb didn’t want to stay anymore. He hands it to them and says he’ll be waiting outside.

* Surprise! It’s another outfit :)) It’s a bit more cozy than what they were wearing before, but still fit for “royalty”. And a black crown with a big red jewel inlaid in the middle-front

* They get dressed and marvel in the mirror before going back out. Narinder’s heart skips a beat when he sees them.

* Idk what to put in between so let’s skip ahead to when they’ve arrived at a spot out in the open wilderness where it’s easier to star gaze. He sets up the trunk bed to be comfy and reveals he had a cooler and basket of food for them to have a night picnic under the stars.

* After they’ve eaten some, one thing leads to another, and then Lamb pulls Narinder into a kiss. They both confess and spend the rest of their time cuddling (until Lamb gets a phone call from their very nervous moms because of how late it’s getting and they’re not home yet lol)

* I have more ideas but to sum them up for now: The rest of this AU is just Narilamb long distance relationship angst & fluff. Eventually the Bishops move back to the small town and then it’s not long distance narilamb (and eventual leshycat and whatever else).

* I will say this: Another murder will happen, this time it’s Lamb who commits it. That’s all I’m giving y’all ;))c

[sweetsweetjellybean]

If Tommrow Never Comes Part 2

Coming Thursday 6/8

Read Part 1 Here

****Spoilers Below****

"Didn’t you see? They were eating each other?" Standing in the near darkness, you rub the ache from your arm.

"I know," he says in a calm voice. 

"You know what that means.” The look on your face is one of resignment.

“Don't think about that right now, okay?” He steps closer, wanting to touch you, but runs a hand through his hair instead. “We need to get back to the cottage. We'll be safe there.” 

“Safe?” 

“I can protect you there.” He gestures in the direction of the woods. The little house is not far now. The disbelief in your voice is making him feel out of control. You’ve never doubted him, and he needs your faith now more than ever. “I'll close the shutters, and we'll move some furniture in front of the doors.” 

“Steve,” your tone is feather-light, both hands land on his chest, one smoothing to his shoulder, “There are some things I want you to know-”

“No,” he cuts you off, pushing at your hands with no real force. 

Circling his neck, you pull his head down until his forehead is pressed against yours. “You’ve been so brave and strong. I’m so grateful.”

"Stop. Don't talk like that." He straightens up and cups your jaw, tilting you back to look into your eyes.

“You deserve to kn-”

“No, not yet. This isn’t the end. It can’t be.” He came to this place ready to die, but you made him take the risk and keep living. He’s not ready to give up and won’t let you either. “I need more time. I'm just figuring it out.”

“What is it?” you ask, gripping his wrist, “What are you figuring out?” The thick cover of clouds has thinned, no match for the colors dancing all around you. He can see their brightness gleaming in your eyes. 

“That you're all I need.” 

[13docwriting]

So I'll start with the fact that I am, indeed, a fan of Chibnall's era. I am an even bigger fan of the 13th Doctor. I'll also start with the fact that I quite literally grew up with RTD's writing and loved Ten with all my heart. But now I am an adult and some of RTD's writing has left me a bit scared. Here's my "live streaming" review on The Star Beast. SPOILERS BELOW!

I'm going in order of how I processed things, so it's gonna be chaotic. My first essay is this: You know why this post is so long? It's because we're not livestreaming things anymore. I'm not immediately with other fans in real time, typing out our little posts. I'm quite literally doing this at my leisure. I'll miss watching DW live. Now then, in order! 1. The music? Ten out of ten. I have always loved Gold's compositions and he did not let us down. And this opinion is only being generated from the new(er) theme song. Which leads me to...

2. Look at the B U D G E T. Even the opening credits has a budget that you can just FEEL. Those stars/galaxies? Very nice... And then I have to chuckle over the low level lighting / 2000s era effects of David Tennant's full profile voiceover of Donna and his story.

3. Him taking the boxes, seeing Donna's face, and slowly putting the boxes back is an RTD special and I LOVE that kind of comedy. It just makes me chuckle. And then him having a full blown panic over hearing Donna shout "Rose!" which... 4. Having these little call back moments feels rather bitter since we're calling this a reboot of the show. UNLESS the reboot is when Nucti starts up? But the fact that I'm confused just shows how bitter I should be. Again, my Chibnall love is showing. I don't believe in yet another reboot for DW, but that's a marketing thing over anything else... I hope. 5. I'm glad the 2000s Rose/Doctor shipping era lives strong through the name Rose. I know those fans are going to be happy and they deserve it. 6. NOW... Donna having a family. Okay. I'll have a separate post but... Does anyone else think that Donna having a husband just doesn't fit for her? Especially with her memories erased? Idk, I just never envisioned Donna getting married after the whole Lance thing. BUT I'm glad she's happy and the husband seems so nice. 7. Donna giving up that lottery money? Also strange considering she lost her memories. The first time we meet Donna we get this feeling that she's a bit shallow, which makes sense because she has to develop as a character. That was her character development so here KEEPING the money would have made more sense here. Which...

8. Rose. That's all. She's great!

9. Hey, can't help but notice, but when did the 14th Doctor have time to make a new screwdriver, huh? What gives? AND - AND there's not a single hint of 13's sonic on there. HMM. What the heck!

10. FORGOT SOMETHING. Whatever the line was "that says mistress" "Oh, catch up, will you?" I don't know how to take in this scene quite yet, but it's making me pause. It felt... Off kilter. Maybe cause I love 13 so much, I don't know. There's always callbacks to other faces when the Doctor first regenerations, but this felt... Wrong? Also, TEE HEE my mind went to Missy IMMEDIATELY and I love that little connection my fic writing brain is going wild.

11. WHY DOES UNIT HAVE SO MUCH MONEY???? Look at this uniforms, holy cow! I almost don't like it? Like, they're an underground agency. WE JUST SAW THEM GET DESTROYED BY CYBERMEN IN THE POWER OF THE DOCTOR. Are we just ignore that entire episode or...?

12. Donna not being able to keep a job? Yeah, THAT one I believe haha.

13. "I will burn down the world for you, darling" says Donna Noble to her transgender kid. WHICH IS AMAZING, WHICH MADE ME SMILE SO WIDE I WAS HAVING A PARTY IN MY BRAIN. There's my Donna! 14. "Gramps used to talk about flying saucers" oh god my heart. I teared up a little, not going to lie. Wilf, I think about you every single day. You made the Doctor the person he is today.

15. MEEP IS SO CUTE. OH WOW. I know "evil" is coming but SO CUTE RIGHT NOW.

16. To go from some excellent animatronics from the Meep to whatever those alien, fly things are was HILARIOUS. What, we'd run out of money for those costume's? Were they meant to look like a typical RTD alien back in the 2000s? How does that work?

17. WHAT THE ACTUAL FLYING FUCK WAS THE SONIC DOING. Wait, did Disney give the sonic some magical powers? Why are we suddenly writing in the air? How are we getting readouts of the ship from the sonic like that? Could it do that before? Why would we not do that before? I'm dying that's so funny.

18. Shirley seems cool!!! I hope we get more of her! And I love the nod to PROPER representation. Chibs did a good job of that as well. Edit: REAL representation! Good on RTD. The scene with the stairs and she says "don't make me the problem"... I am not a wheelchair user but I do hope that was properly done. 19. "I absolutely love her [Donna]" LOOK AT 14 HAVING FEELINGS! Aww, I hope 15 follows through with the feelings! 11, 12, and 13 have been so locked up, so scared to love... Having a Doctor that's ready to loudly embrace their love for things would be such a good character development. (My fear would be RTD ripping that away in the most tragic way possible, but that's a future problem I suppose).

20. I'm at the scene where Rose is talking to the Meep in the shed, and just, again, THE MUSIC. We did have some good musical moments in 13's era but, even I have to admit, nothing as pretty as this. It really is something, round of applause once again.

21. LISTEN. L I S T E N. I don't condone slapping the Doctor. I don't. In fact, it's wrong. It's very wrong. And you can't slap 13, can you? So slapping 14 shouldn't make sense. It's the definition of sexist. It's just not something you should do. BUT. B U T. Jackie's "stitch this, mate" is always in my head and now THIS "here we go again" after Sylvia gives the Doctor a good slap... I laughed, okay? It was funny! But really, in the good year of 2023, there shouldn't be comedy like that. That joke should have died. BUT I LAUGHED. So I'm to blame as well.

22. "Never mind about the ferret from mars." I LOVE the mars callback from Donna, thank you very much.

23. Kate looking after Wilf damn near brought tears to my eyes. Kate, you are the real hero of the DW universe. Thank you.

24. This is... This is gonna be another post. But. Okay. So. The whole "you're assuming he as a pronoun". Right. Okay. I know groups of people that talk like that. Both online and in person. Personal life spoiler, I work(ed) in musical theater. I've seen it all. I, personally, do not like this whole... "Let's be really obvious about it" thing. And also highly believe in someone else first telling me, when it fits, what their pronouns are. Having someone pull the defensive "YOU ASSUMED" crap doesn't work because humans don't think like that. It's a whole other rant, but yeah. This felt forced and I hate when shows do that. Representation is important but FORCING that representation doesn't help.

25. what's the. what's the sonic doing. what. how'd it. we got lines in the air. we got unbelievable shield. we. he waved it like a wand and now. what the. how'd. (Yo, not me head cannoning that this is 13 banging around in 14's head demanding that they have a better way to protect their friends. Love it). I WILL HAVE A LOT MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS.

26. DW has money now. That will continue to blow my mind.

27. "This is a sonic screwdriver and if it's good at one thing, it's resonating concrete". Oh yeah, Doctor? I'd like to bring forth you, never once, being able to do it. Not once! (And now it's good at creating magical shields and complex, alien holograms, but that's point #25)

28. Where'd in hell's name did he get that wig and how soon can Donna throw it out a window?

29. MEEP YOU - YOU UTTER AHOLE. Man, it was SO CUTE

30. O k a y. I take back, holy crap what point am I on? I take back point #7. So there's some of the Doctor left in her, eh? That's why! I dig that. I really, really dig that. Sorry for being a downer, that was my mistake.

31. I too can come up with technobabble bullcrap that means nothing. I sometimes think that's RTD's biggest failing, his incessant need to over describe things. EDIT. JEEZ, a good five minutes later as we're STILL talking gibberish.

32. Hey, I see you "glass wall between Donna and the Doctor" and raise you "glass wall between Wilf and the Doctor". OW. I demand emotional compensation!

33. Listen, I just got over 13 keeping every. single. emotion inside of her. She never raised her voice, she never really cried, she never had a chance to just scream and yell and be angry at the universe. The fact that there's 14 RIGHT HERE, screaming, because to save Donna, he has to lose her YET AGAIN. Just angry and devastated and grieving... It's a stunning scene, it's a scene that makes sense, but my 13 loving little heart says that this is 13's moment to be angry and it was taken from her.

34. Also, ha, I know Disney bought DW, but did we just "Winter Soldier" Donna Noble. We gave her trigger words to keep her memories at bay? Really?

35. "Hold on a minute," said in Ten's/Fourteenth's voice... Was that.. Was that ELVEN'S theme music while Donna was being, well, Time Lady Donna? Because that was... That was GOLDEN. How amazing is that? What a great idea!

36. You MONSTER, RTD, making Fourteen hold Donna the same way he held the Master? What the hell is that about?

37. The.. The nonbinary, but binary. I... It's... Something! Okay, I'll get there. I'll have a post about it. Maybe. But. Yeah, it's something!

38. DOES UNIT HAVE AVENGERS *cough* sorry it's been a while for Marvel me *cough* STARK TOWER. WAS THAT STARK TOWER? Damn, Disney, you really did bring us back to superwholock Avenger's "Clint in the vents" era, huh?

39. "It's a shame you're not a woman anymore, because she would have understood... Something a male presenting Time Lord will never understand." You can't... You can't do the whole "nonbinary" thing and that just immediately point out gender like that. What. The defeats the entire purpose. The whole point you're trying to make is that gender DOESN'T matter, and yet... And the Doctor has always, always been nonbinary. I refer to the Doctor as "they" when speaking as a collective whole, and many of us have done that. I use pronouns when talking about specific Doctors because humans have always used pronouns. Again, 11 and 13 have made mention that gender has NEVER mattered to them. I just... You can't be poking a bear and then expecting the bear to not to come after you if you've changed the poking object from a stick to a teaser.

40. I gotta laugh that Rose and Donna had the most peaceful "regeneration" we've ever seen. Somewhere in there, a Doctor or two is screaming lol.

41. Oh... The TARDIS is ugly. DON'T HIT ME. STOP HITTING ME. I MEAN It. Not, for real though, Oh my god, what. Why. The colors. Or lack of colors, really. What the fuck. Where's the... Where's the personality? Where's the sass? I've loved every single TARDIS change but THIS... This is a hard one to swallow.

42. The TARDIS having an shit fit over Donna spilling coffee on her is WONDERFUL. That's so funny to me. With everything she's been through with 13, that was just the best way for her to get her revenge! All in all, strange episode, yeah? I mean, what WAS that plot? It was really more of setup for the next episode, and double really meant to reunite ten and Donna, which was well done, but also... Why? It just felt a bit all over the place but very much cushioned by nostalgia. I'm done now. My fingers HURT. As always, and as I say in all my fics, I'm here if you want to chat. Reblog this, PM me, tag me in stuff!

[alternianweaponsmith]

C-Omissi-Ons -Op-En-Ed

Inb-Ox -Op-En-Ed!

W-Elc-Om-E t-O th-E bl-Og, wh-Er-E I tak-E c-Omissi-Ons t-O mak-E Y-OU a p-Ers-Onaliz-Ed w-Eap-On f-Or y-Ou! N-O paym-Ent r-Equir-Ed f-Or a p-Ers-Onaliz-Ed d-Esign, m-Essag-E m-E if y-Ou wish t-O actually -Own th-E w-Eap-On, shipping tak-Es a f-Ew nights at m-Ost.

Tags:

st-Oking th-E fir-E: G-En-Eral tag f-Or -Ev-Erything n-Ot w-Eap-On r-Elat-Ed.

Hamm-Ering at th-E f-Org-E: W-Eap-On cr-Eati-On r-Equ-Ests

hist-Ory: Y-Ou kn-Ow what hist-Ory is. F-Ocus-Ed -On w-Eap-On hist-Ory.

My m-Oirail: 8)

P-Ers-Onal inf-O und-Er th-E r-Ead m-Ore.

h-Ell-O. I s-E-E y-Ou'r-E int-Er-Est-Ed in m-E. I c-Ouldn't p-Ossibly kn-Ow why, sinc-E I'm n-Ot n-Early as fascinating as th-E things I cr-Eat-E, but y-Our int-Er-Est is w-Elc-Om-Ed 8;). Call m-E Smithy. Sh-e/him pr-on-Ouns. Cl-Os-E t-O banishm-Ent ag-E, s-O if y-Ou n-E-Eda quad, giv-E m-E a dall.

OOC:

Mun is a adult, keep that in mind while interacting with me. No ooc blog (as of right now), if you wish to contact me send me a message flagging that you're saying something out of character. If you send me any death threats, either in character or out, I will be blocking you. Behave or no roleplay. This blog is hooked up to a public discord server. If you have any triggering content in your ask, please put discord spoiler marks ( ||for example|| ) around them.

[dreadfutures]

Blue’s DA: Absolution Post

Just finished my first viewing. Impressions, spoilers, and some rambling. Let’s go! Stream of consciousness, baby.

When I first saw my little sisters playing DAI, it struck me as “THE GAY GAME” and BOY is this THE GAY FRANCHISE. And it’s so normal. No one makes a big deal about it at all. It’s just fuckin normal and everyone is so flirty from square one. There ain’t no one gonna watch this and then go into DA4 not being aware this is a queer friendly world.

The big things I’m taking away, besides that:

- Where do people go when they die? Death seems to be a central question of Absolution. Immortality is a central question in Thedas tbh, and I have so many questions that I am betting will absolutely be answered in DA4.

- The architecture: Nevarra has domes, and its mage tower is very very square. Ziggurat-y. Tevinter reminded me a lot of parts of Spain with its architecture, the mosaics in particular, but other things to. Morocco. A lot of Morocco actually. I love that. The canals, the verdantness, the tiered city on a mesa, I really loved.

- Parkour. And gameplay. Or at least the vibe of what I imagine DA4 is trying to go for.

- The politics of Tevinter.

SO here’s my first thing. If this is what one powerful Magister can do with blood magic and an ancient artifact--and ONE high dragon’s blood.... What the FUCK will Solas’s ritual do? (obviously, tear down the Veil.)

Also there wasn’t a lot of Veil being explained, but I feel like the most important thing for new people is the Spirits, Demons, Magic, Blood Magic, and Slavery.

Wisdom/Memory’s 8 eyes (as a Spirit) became 6 eyes when they were corrupted to Enmity/Pride.

Speaking of Memory--Amelia Pavus? Hello.

I 100% expect to hear something about Rezaren’s aspirations to become the Black Divine, in DA4. I 100% expect we’re going to see Dorian’s efforts to reform Tevinter, and the position of Black Divine will be incredibly relevant.

Honestly the internal politics in Tevinter are so fascinating. Tassia’s honest, earnest desire to make Tevinter better than its worst rumors. Trying to hold the people around her to higher standards--even when they are someone she loves. In the end, when her people need her to help the wounded, that’s what she does. That’s when she steps out of Rez’s games, and she goes to help people.

How does that play into Dorian and Maevaris’s efforts and the Lucerni?

We also, I don’t think, get a great view of how Tessia treats and thinks of elves and slaves. Is that something she also wants to fix in Tevinter? No idea.

I don’t think it’s a cheap throwaway that the Templar who tried to stop the gang in the wine cellar got the voiced line: “you’re the reason all my friends are dead.” They did a really good job I think emphasizing, with the camaraderie of the Tevinter Templars WHO DONT USE LYRIUM TO NEGATE MAGIC. THE POOR FOOLS. They’re just people.

I'm a little perplexed that Tassia didn't seem to know Neb was dead/an elf. She seems so in tune with the Templars under command, and while I get that he seems to be Rez's personal guard, he also somehow seems to be rank and file with the guards she works with? I don't know. But the way she talks to him makes it seem like she thinks he's living and conscious.

Someone said that Hira knows Meredith (The Crimson Knight) is going to wage war on all mages. I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s more likely that Hira has no idea the Crimson Knight is Meredith? And Meredith’s war is against the world, or Tevinter. It seems like Meredith may have been taken over by something or left a Demon of something or is channeling something at the heart of the red lyrium consciousness that just wants war, vengeance, bloodshed.

I honestly thought Hira would have been loyal to the Qun. This feels like it came out of nowhere, but at the same time, so did Meredith’s appearance here:

Someone suggested that we see Meredith in the Black Emporium in this show, but I really don’t think so? It doesn’t look like the BE. I know she was shown in DAI. I know.

I know most of the stories told in Dread Wolf Take You in Tevinter Nights were lies, or partially so, but I still feel like we should have heard about this. So I don’t know. Either way, Meredith shouldn’t have the idol, though.

We knew that the Venatori were still around post-Inquisition. Now we know there are still Red Templars about.

I think fewer people knew that the Venatori have (supposedly) been around longer than the Inquisition and Corypheus...? It took me a little bit and I’m still not 100% sure, but Hira being a child when the Venatori killed her family wouldn’t make sense with an Inquisition timeline.

Tinfoil hat: There are actually two factions within the Evanuris. Both evil and terrible, both going to destroy the world, and Solas stands between them. One is Red Lyrium aligned and one is Blight aligned, hence why we have Meredith vs. Corypheus (red lyrum vs. darkspawn) in the mural above. I know, I know, they’re intertwined. But I feel an itch. And I’m mighty suspicious.

I’m so suspicious about which Evanuris are in Trespasser’s Elven Mountain Ruins and which aren’t. It feels like factions. It feels like the Forgotten Ones/Evanuris split isn’t the only split, or it’s more significant than we realize.

Okay so what happens to dead people? Was it really Justinia we saw in Here Lies the Abyss in DAI? Was this really Neb? You could say “it was really a Spirit who took Neb’s form, embodied Neb’s love for his sister, and stood against blood magic and so decided to destroy Neb’s body.” But I think it was really Neb. I really do. So what happens to people when they die? Is it only elves? Is it humans?

The Spirit says at the beginning: “By name and by nature, mortals are doomed to die.” Which by the way is a very Cole way of saying things I think, and I love it.

I don’t think it was a coincidence that the dragon doesn’t attack Qwydion the Qunari and likes her.

Speaking of Qwydion, she’s introduced as a rebel mage. Which to me implies that she’s from a faction that rebelled against the Circle. Not that she’s someone who left the Qun.

It’s so interesting that we can see Rez’s mother remove a demon from her son and put it in someone else. So we could deal with abominations and with Harrowings all along, huh. lol.

I’ve been making a list of silly Andrastian sayings and Thedas-isms lol. There were some good ones in this show.

The magic in this show was badass. Super awesome. Beyond just the scale of it. The dome that gets put around the circulum looks like the one Corypheus put around Calpernia's old master. Rez’s magic feels way more powerful than other peoples, and it looks awesome. His multi-threaded missile attack when he’s defending against the sloth demons that attacked with Pride look awesome.

If you think about it this whole show revolves around what is acceptable collateral damage. The whole temple is going to kill everyone inside. That’s lit.

I wish I knew what those bird things were that were setting off the traps throughout the temple.

In general this temple makes me scratch my head. Andraste (who loses her nose in the finale lmfao) is holding magic in her hands. Andraste seems to be more of a saint than the pinnacle of the religion in Tevinter, so it’s weird that she’s all over. Cool I guess, I don’t have anything else to say, really. Except that in Rez’s dream of being Black Divine, his outfit was terrible. LOL

I actually really loved the dream sequence. It felt super validating to how I’ve always imagined Fade sequences going lol.

They also I don’t think mentioned the Fade at all lol.

okay okay i’m done for now x) I’m stewing up some other theories and stuff but yeah.

[90363462]

Getty Images

7 Mothers Share Their Postpartum Sex Experiences

Spoiler alert: It's not all bad.

Kiarra Sylvester

May. 02, 2022 05:05PM EST

Because I’m not having sex, I haven’t given much thought to how sex after I deliver my little seed will be. Out of sight, out of mind, ya know? It wasn't until a friend randomly reached out to me, more excited for the postpartum sex that stood ahead of me than I knew to be possible. I was curious, to say the least. Where was this burst of energy for my postpartum sex life coming from? Apparently, she had just had mind-blowing sex with her man but this wasn’t the first time she mentioned this – she had once shared the exhilaration she felt during sex in a normal girl chat. But I wasn’t pregnant then so I hadn’t thought much of it. 

However, this time around, my brain was most definitely activated. The one thing that stood out to me was the pleasure she seemed to derive from her postpartum sex life! Mostly, because this had been so unheard of. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t care to speak to my mother in-depth prior to my own little seed being implanted in me. Nevertheless, I had only ever heard of negative postpartum sex experiences. Women went from being the top-flight security, maintaining the secrecy of the motherhood journey, not speaking of anything but the joy of baby and baby alone to now, where we’ve seen a shift in women trying to sprinkle some realness in the mix – warning us of the potential woes of motherhood. 

I mention this because motherhood has become saturated with changing the narrative to a more realistic one and, in turn, it can induce more fear than not knowing. It seems once we were released from the shackles of silence, it turned out that everyone was experiencing ass tears and postpartum depression, and if you’re a Black woman, you might not even live to tell about any of those experiences. 

Giphy

I guess what I’m saying was it was refreshing to have someone share a positive about giving birth to a child – one that I most definitely value and one that skews the narrative to remind us that in all actuality: every experience is different! And in us trying to make up for the myths of motherhood being all peachy keen, we’ve forgotten what balance looks like – going from sunshine and roses to hellfire and misery.

As far as the sex component goes, we have truly only ever heard the bottom of the barrel! Men talking about how "loose" women allegedly are after having a child and TikTok highlighting the potential for what is known as a husband stitch, which ensures you go back to maximum tightness after tearing. (Also, unethical to perform without patient permission apparently). 

Nevertheless, it made me curious to speak with other women about their postpartum sex experience and I was happy to find that there were more women out there who were experiencing good sex, and for various reasons! Here’s what 8 women had to say about postpartum sex.

Sex was different... in the best way possible.

"I have to say I didn't have the confidence or drive to have sex immediately after a vaginal birth (both times). But [around four to six] weeks after, sex for me was way better than before having a baby. It felt more intimate, more connected, and somewhat special to be having sex so soon after having a baby. Not many women talk about this, do they? But I don't think it's a big secret personally. Every woman has a different experience, and for me, it was good." 

– Sophie

i.gifer.com

I'm more in tune with my body more than I've ever been.

“I'm a mom of two with my youngest being four months old. My postpartum sex experience has been amazing. I opted for a natural birth with a midwife and doula as a result my recovery was really quick. Since giving birth I've been really in tune with my body and been wowed at what a woman's body is able to do. I wouldn't describe myself as a very sexual person but since giving birth, my desire to have sex and my natural lubrication has increased tremendously.

"I've also been taking ashwagandha and maca root to support my breastfeeding journey. An added benefit [of taking them] was increased libido [and] not just around the ovulation period. My husband is very happy, to say the least.”

– Jasmine

Sex after delivery helped with my PPD.

“I have two young children under the age of eight years old and I could certainly say right away that postpartum sex is by far much much better than sex prior to having children for several reasons. Not only has perhaps my confidence elevated, but most importantly, it’s also much less tricky in terms of stimulation. In addition, it is much easier to switch positions and perform the act as there is rarely if ever any discomfort due to that tightness perhaps felt in the beginning. Sex after delivery was also very beneficial as I suffered from PPD for a couple of months after my first delivery. Sex in a way was perhaps a reward for that after waiting six weeks after giving birth.”

– Vanessa

media2.giphy.com

It was the last piece of intimacy we had been missing.

"I had a C-section so I was told to wait at least six weeks before having sex. I feel like the wait time just added to the anticipation and excitement. The postpartum period is obviously crazy with a newborn and the lack of sleep for the first month or so (sex was the last thing on my mind). However, as the weeks went on and we spent time in our own little bubble with this perfect little person we created, the feelings started creeping up again. I feel like you just fall deeper in love when you see your man taking care of and loving your tiny human. It's next-level sexy! I couldn't wait to show him just how much. We were literally counting down the days until the mandatory six weeks were up. 

"All that waiting makes it almost as exciting as the first time again. We went all out and set up a special date night with dinner, wine, and new lingerie, the works! In one word: fireworks! It was perfect! It was that one piece of intimacy we had been missing and we held on to each other long after it was over. I think it's important to talk to your partner and make sure you're both on the same page. I expressed my concerns about possible pain (and hormones and dealing with this new postpartum body that I wasn't used to) so we took things slow and he checked with me throughout to make sure I was okay. All in all, it was a wonderful experience that actually made me feel sexy again.” 

– Cendu

media3.giphy.com

Antidepressants I take for my hormonal-induced depression impacted my sex drive.

“I get so fricking excited when someone asks about postpartum women. It was a period of my life that was insanely difficult and I feel like my overall experience was very different from most women's. I've always had a great sex drive, before, during, and after pregnancy. Then I started taking antidepressants about six weeks after birth and my libido hit rock bottom. Almost four years later and I still haven't gone back to my regular levels, but it's either that or hormonal-induced depression. If you want a little more information, we both enjoy 'doggystyle' since I had our children. If I had to guess, it's because of the deeper penetration level.” 

– Bethany

Amazing sex wasn't in the cards for me for several months after giving birth.

“I felt well prepared for the months following my baby's birth. After all, I had been a mother-baby nurse for years. When my OBGYN looked at me and said, ‘Rachel, six weeks is not a magic number. You probably aren't going to feel like your pre-pregnant self when having sex,’ she did me a huge favor. Otherwise, I would have felt something was wrong with me. I experienced a second-degree tearwith my baby and it took me several months for the soreness to completely heal. I was shocked the first time I had sex and it was so uncomfortable. Had my doctor not warned me, I would have thought there was something wrong with me. 

"It was six months after giving birth that I was able to experience sex that felt good and didn't hurt my repair. Between the soreness and my breast milk letting down during sex, it was quite the experience. I don't wish to relive those months, but my husband and I can now look back at those times and laugh. Amazing sex was not in the cards for me for several months following childbirth. Women who do not experience a tear, episiotomy, or who have a C-section may well experience great postpartum sex while their progesterone levels are high.” 

– Rachel

Postpartum sex wasn't different for me physically, but it was emotionally.

“I want to start by saying that my daughters are now 17 and 20; both were vaginal births. I think that once the initial trepidation passed — meaning, the 'first-time sex' after the six-week follow-up and the all-clear from my doctor — postpartum sex wasn’t noticeably 'better.' It wasn’t worse, either. If anything, what made it great was knowing I had bounced back and everything was indeed okay. There is a HUGE amount of concern over not just your own desirability as a new mom because your body has changed so much, but you worry that it’ll hurt, or you won’t feel things as you did before. You also worry about what your partner will be thinking, especially if they were in the delivery room. 

"It sounds silly, but that was something I thought about. My husband had seen all manner of things during the delivery (including poop because let’s face it, that’s really common during vaginal births) so as a new mom facing sex again, you struggle with knowing this person saw you at one of the most vulnerable moments imaginable. So naturally, you worry they’re thinking about that the first time you have sex after giving birth… or at least I did. The relief that came after that first time back in the saddle — it was palpable, at least for me. I think, too, that while postpartum sex didn’t feel better physically, it was better emotionally — it was almost like our bond was stronger if that makes sense? That’s what made postpartum sex amazing.” 

– Alison

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[introvertnb]

First Place Raffle Prizes

The big Bertha as promised

Okay, for the drawing of the six characters, I’d like Rantaro, Makoto, Hajime, Kaede, Gundham, and Mukuro. For the 4 wallpapers (The dimensions would be for an iPhone 8): I’d like one of Mahiru, One of Kaede, One of Makoto, and One of Rantaro. Reaction Sprites. I’ll take Mikan, Makoto, Chiaki, and Kaede. For the Sprite edits, I’ll take: Makoto, Rantaro, Kaede, Chiaki, Miu, Kiibo, Mukuro and Ibuki.(Writing:) Makoto comforting a Depressed Reader. Rantaro helping a Reader who’s struggling with motivation. Mikan taking care of a sick Reader.

This was a long request and required a lot of separate posts and my motivation had its ups and downs especially when the run-ins with the anon haters happened but yeah

Sprite Edits: https://introvertnb.tumblr.com/post/647960348162490370/first-place-raffle-prizes-pt-1

Reaction Sprites + Wallpapers: https://introvertnb.tumblr.com/post/647960478764711936/more-more-more

Reaction Sprites (again): https://introvertnb.tumblr.com/post/647960551721435136/more-reaction-sprites

Wow more reaction sprites: https://introvertnb.tumblr.com/post/647960646883868672/aaand-you-guessed-it

Finally the last of the reaction sprites: https://introvertnb.tumblr.com/post/647960767065423872/more-reaction-sprites

Drawing (btw it’s spoilers for THH chapter 1 and 5, GD chapter 4 and 6, and V3 chapter 1):

(With/without stroke y’know the deal)

And the writing! 

1 (Makoto comforting a depressed reader): 

Makoto had been noticing something.. off about his S/O. They had been distant and sometimes at night he could hear them crying. So one day, he decided to confront his S/O. He walked up to their door and knocked on it.

“S/O? You in there? I wanted to talk to you!” He called. S/O, who had been sitting on their bed with their head buried in their knees, raised their head with a curious look on their tear stained face.

“U-uh, yeah. I’m here..” S/O murmured. They didn’t want Makoto to see them like this, but they knew resisting the Ultimate Hope about the obvious matter wouldn’t work. Makoto turned the brass knob and opened the door. When he saw his S/O, he audibly gasped and ran up to them and hugged them. S/O, surprised by the sudden physical contact, was in shock for a moment before accepting the embrace.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped! I-” S/O put a finger to his lips.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you. You mean a lot to me and I would hate to see you disappointed because of me.”  And then Makoto went into full on comfort mode. Let’s just say that depression is gonna have a bad time.

(That became a lot longer than I thought it would oh well)

2 (Rantaro helping a reader who’s struggling with motivation):

Rantaro was simply walking through the hallway when he suddenly heard a banging noise. He stopped and identified the noise’s source: S/O’s room. He knocked on the door to no avail. So, he took a deep breath, and opened the door. What he saw next, was incredibly strange, hilarious, and confusing all at once. 

It was S/O banging their head against the wall repeatedly.  “Uhhhhh.. S/O? You okay?” He asked, looking somewhat bewildered. S/O turned their head around and sighed.

“Unless you count unable to find motivation even when I rack the deepest depths of my brain then yes.” Rantaro sweat dropped.  “Uh.. well maybe you should take a break? Usually taking breaks help me get motivation.” S/O nodded.

“Okay dude. Let’s do it then.” They then fully turned around and walked over to Rantaro.

“Well, any ideas, Mr. Avacado?”

(That one didn’t feel as good but eh- I feel like I went a bit ooc ;-;)

3 (Mikan taking care of a sick reader): 

S/O sat up in their bed in the nurse’s office, coughing as they did so.

“U-uh.. h-hey! You sh-shouldn’t try to s-sit up i-if you’re going to c-cough!” Mikan exclaimed.  “oooh yeah.. whoops, sorry Miki..” S/O said, before aggressively sneezing.  “B-bless you.. uh.. h-here! Try this m-medicine!” She said, nervously shoving it into S/O’s hands. Normally Mikan wasn’t this reckless with her words, actions, and otherwise, but she got so upset when she found out her S/O was sick that she couldn’t help but be a nervous wreck. S/O nodded and drank the medicine.  They also tried their best not to show that the medicine was one of the grossest things they’d ever tasted, as they didn’t want to hurt Mikan’s feelings.  “H-how do y-you think you got s-sick?” She asked. S/O thought for a moment before answering.

“I really don’t kn- *achoo*! know. Sorry for not being able to answer your question- hehe.” S/O actually did know the answer but they didn’t want to reveal that they thought it was the fact that they were hanging out with Mikan and helping take care of her sick patients. 

“W-well, I’m gonna h-help you g-get better! I-if it’s the last th-thing I do!”

Yep that’s it! This took a while but uh yeah here ya go, @skylights2000​! Congrats!

[anewarise]

HDM final episode (8) commentary + things I love.

Spoilers from series and book ahead. Doing because I need to share my crazy emotions.

• HERE WE ARE, ITS THE END OF THE SEASON AND IM IN PAINFULL HYPE! :D

• That's a Gun. Uh.

• Stelmaria please, don't spoil things for the non-readers.

• Little Lyra...that smile so sweet. My Lyra, deserves better.

• "You don't want me here?" It sounds so little. As little as she is. As she feel. Lyra's relationship with Asriel is one of fear respect and...

• Proud ok they just say it.

• Oh Asriel be careful feels are dangerous uhuh. Really Asriel and Marisa were a couple for Strong Reasons. He's thinkkng about what could have been. He's not there. He has a mission and don't includes Lyra.

• ITS SILVERTONGUE

• OH MY HEARTH LYRA. "I didn't call myself a father?" YOU ASHOOLE you should have think first in that instead of getting someone PREGNANT. REALLY. UGH. *more angry noises*

• *angry noises as Marisa's daemon*

• Oh. She's scared of Asriel, the encounter, the highs?

• Low strike míster but he got her there. And defences are activated. Yes, look at that woman OWNS everyone.

• Fray Pavel you poor thing. Really? Not even a thank you? Dammit Boreal.

• THE enemy...Asriel, I still don't know how you reach that idea in the first place. You don't just...uuuff this men is so frjstrating sometimes (ALL THE TIME)

• Roger you beutiful being. You're the best. I love you. You are Smart and brillant. And lovely. And so good to Lyra...

• Boreal ohhhh snap.

• AY LORD. THEY'RE LAUGHING. NO...MY HEARTH SO CUTE...

• Omg Roger... "because we change each others lifes"

• And Im crying. Is oficial now. GREAT.

• Oh, NOW you want to talk.

• Oh....I remember Lyra's clases in Lyra's Jordan episode. Beutiful paraller.

• Asriel is surprised by Marisa caring. Well there is a long ride for that one surprise.

• He is so nervous talking to her. That's why he keep talking about dust. You don't fool me. Comfortable zone isn't it.

• "Nobody comes from nothing" Good one. You tried at best. Well done.

• Will is running on stress and anxiety. Run boy run.

• RUN GIRL RUN.

• IM CRYING AGAIN ROGEEEEER

• This family dont stop lying do they????!

• SHE HAS A GUN DON'T BELIEVE HER

• Marisa you're feels are showing again.

• But I have to say it: Marisa Coulter has become one of the best characters even. I love her a lot now. She has own the show from start to end.

• I KNOW WHERE WILL IS GOING. I have never...I don't know how I recognised a place I have just imagined from book but I did.

• Roger you kn- WHERES THE SURPRISE FOR LYRA?????!!!! OMFG OMG ASRIEL YOU AKJDKAJXIWKDK

• Marisa personal army.

• IOREK TAKE LYRA OUT THERE C'AMON

• Nooo NOOOO LEAVE HIM BE NOOO

• The music is killing me.

• The Ice bridge. A goodbye. Nothing will be the same.

• This imagery always makes me shivers. And the music and silence fit. Is perfect. Once she has cross it. There's no going back. For anything.

• AY THE SCREAMS. NO.

• NononoNO Ay NO!

I blaked out throught the rest of the episode but I express my thoughts:

• Marisa and Asriel scene is still surrealist for me. It has just the same dream feel as in the books. A child just died. Roger just died. But what do they care about that? They're adults. In a mission who they think is more important than one's little boy's life.....the most important and special boy in Lyra's life.

• Lyra deserves to watch that encounter but somehow I think is better this way. She is already traumatized and she doesn,t even know.

• Roger mourning somehow reveals how little Lyra really is. She doesn't know what to do. Where to go. Somehow, even if Pan is right about dust, the truth is that she is going to follow that path, lost and with fear, because she is so in shock that the better lie or the most surprising turnos of events sounds more rational that what just happen before her. She will catch the dream just formed and use it has a rock. Because she doesn't have anywhere to turn.

• Will coming throught the window was expected for me. Good paraller.

Anddddd thats it! There are so many many things I would like to say, but it's almost 3 a.m. and need my mund cleary for it.

This journey has been...short somehow, bit totally worth it. It hasn't been perfect but you know? It has been good, and good enough for me. I think it have been treted carefull and made with love for the readers and love for the characters even! Im satisfied in a general scheme and I LOVE the actors and the characters management. I am really happy to have this unexpected gift that HDM is and to have share it with a lot of people who is around here, even if Im more the quite silent person who reblogs everything.

I can see the love everybody has, the emotions almost all share. Its wonderful. Its beutiful. Now its time to make it last just a little more ;)

[sanjipussyindulgence]

kaiju no. 8 is so so so good at creating high stakes without killing off a bunch of characters like other manga tend to do. theres only one main character death in the whole series so far. and, because it's the only one, that death holds a lot of weight. like i LOOOVE chainsaw man but side characters randomly dropping like flies in part 1 felt cheap and underwhelming. unless it was one of your faves, you didn't care when someone died.

whats especially impressive is that kaiju no. 8 manages this despite kafka being an EXTREMELY overpowered character. but the mangka successfully works around that by having clear repercussions for when kafka wins a fight.

even though he could theoretically handle pretty much 95% of the fights in this manga on his own, there's reasons why he can't. and every time he does have to deliver a finishing blow for someone else, it doesn't feel like a good thing.

every victory the protagonists have either comes with consequences or comes by the skin of their teeth. and the stakes never stop getting higher too.

so what makes the current kafka vs kaiju no. 9 fight so engaging is that this is the first time we've seen kafka actually struggle. and, after over a hundred chapters of him one-shoting every enemy, that makes no. 9 all the more threatening.

[protezioni]

3, 8, 12, 16, 17 for Izami, Eis and Yarohe :3

Of course!! <3 <3 Thank you for sending them in!!

Izami Amarasu

3. What do other people tend to think of them? A lot of people tend to thing of him as this kind of asshole. He does show off a vibe of one, as he always glares at people and he ends up cursing at people for little mistakes. He used to not be like this, but after hearing this comments repeatedly, he became what he is now. 

 8. Any phobias? He wouldn't really have anything that can be considered a phobia. He may fear something but he won't really call it a phobia. He does lowkey fear snakes and bats, but it doesn't really affect him too bad. 

12. How many people broke their hearts? About 4 people did. One came from the incident his family experienced, another one came from his foster father who drilled into his head that he had to be powerful and not vulnerable to gain respect from others. The last two would be a bit on the spoiler territory, but one of them is a villain and the last one being himself.

16. Do they have any mental illnesses? If so, what are they and how do they make everyday life harder?  He does not any mental illnesses. He just has a way of thinking that makes him a pessimist, but this isn't considered as a mental disorder as far as I know.

17. Did they grow up poor, rich, or somewhere in between? He grew up somewhere in between for both his biological family and his foster family! However, once he joined the Protezioni, he began growing up rich.

 Yarohe Yara

3. What do other people tend to think of them? People would normally see her as a kind and sociable individual, and they aren't really wrong about that. It's actually quite accurate.

8. Any phobias? She has trypanophobia. She actually has a fear of needles and injections and she actually begins crying when she has to get shots. This has something to do with her past, and she really ends up panicking over seeing one near her if she has to sit near it. She refuses to look at the needles' direction when she does get shot but she ends up getting comforted by her fellow crew members.

12. How many people broke their hearts? I would have to say three, but all of the answers would be spoilers so I can't really say it.

16. Do they have any mental illnesses? If so, what are they and how do they make everyday life harder? She doesn't have any mental illness. At most, she just ends up storing all her negative thoughts to herself. However, mental illness is not a reason behind it. 

17. Did they grow up poor, rich, or somewhere in between? She started our as somewhere in between but with her foster family and the current famiglia she's in, she's somehow growing up in the the rich side.

Eis Herzen

3. What do other people tend to think of them? They think of her as a sweet person who may be a bit childish but also very gullible. Well, they're not wrong for this one.

8. Any phobias?  She has astraphobia. She fears thunder and lightning, making her really hate storms. There is no story behind it, but she does have an extreme fear of this and she doesn't know how to explain why.

12. How many people broke their hearts? Well, if I should say how many, it could be a bit too much. First off is majority of her family, and the second is people from her school. I can't say why yet though because that's an important plot point. 

16. Do they have any mental illnesses? If so, what are they and how do they make everyday life harder? Eis actually has panic disorder. It comes kn randomly and she really gets worried about it. This was before the comic started, but that's why Ayame chose to be roommates with her. It makes her life harder in a sense she lives in fear of having another one, and this also causes her to avoid going alone no matter where she goes or that she needs someone to be at least close to her so they'd carry her extra medicine if ever. She also starts to worry about any bad need that may come up that could possibly drive her in that state.

17. Did they grow up poor, rich, or somewhere in between?  She grew up rich in both her biological family and also in the Protezioni life! 

[totallycorrectfnafquotes]

tfc reactions and stuff

i managed to avoid spoilers up until now so i guess i’m reading/reacting to this let’s go

(spoilers below the cut)

chapter 1

“...where a clown’s painted face filled the screen, caught in a convulsive fit of laughter.” i don’t trust like that

“‘Did you already have this costume, or did you make it especially for the grand opening?’“ I REALLY DON’T TRUST LIKE THAT

i don’t know who luis is but i like him

“... i need you to get your head in the game.” dang i don’t remember there being so much murder or robots in high school musical :/

HE KEPT THEODORE

JOHN DON’T YOU DARE THROW THEODORE AWAY

and i’m crying now

“She called my name.” FUCK

“When he found himself too far out, he would always take deliberate steps back to the shoulder, and it was always with a secret sinking disappointment in himself that he would do so.” o h :(

“‘And so does she.’“ WHOM?

what the fuck is going on

john stop being a bitter fuck and hang out with your friends

also what the fuck is going on

chapter 2

who the hell is this lady

i don’t trust her

john be nice to theodore

be nice to my son

is charlie possessing her own corpse

is this a michael afton scenario

“I was in this play about a horse.” carlton i would literally die for you

yea this ain’t charlie

john please do not call her “my charlie”

“I thought I was going to die.” yeah that’s not suspicious at all

“Those weren’t her eyes.” oh big fear

“Even breathing was strained and unfamiliar...” michael afton: yeah i know that feeling

random pain? michael afton: yeah i know that feeling

chapter 3

“Raise it a few more degrees.” UM

what the fuck is going on

“They will become more, just like you did.” BIG FEAR

okay john you’ve officially reached stalker levels

john are you accusing sammy of being a sleeper agent

“...as if it was all she could do to hold herself in one piece.” if this line turns out to be foreshadowing i swear to god

“...he heard the sound from theodore’s head again: the whirring and then the click.” oh no

okay i think i know where this whirring and clicking from theodore’s head thing is going and i don’t like it

at all

wait

rabbit head

oh NO

“...above them was a sign, in red and yellow neon letters: CIRCUS BABY’S PIZZA.” aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

chapter 4

“Zombies vs. Zombies!” if that’s foreshadowing i swear to god

charlie panic ordering the same as john but failing to realize he hadn’t ordered anything yet is literally me on dates

“Honestly, I don’t even know what you saw in that girl-- selfish, scatterbrained, pathetic.” something doesn’t feel right here, scoob

this conversation turned from awkward to super fucking awkward dear god really quick

IS THE WOMAN WITH THE GUY WITH THE CANE JEN

I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE’S JEN

is circus baby’s a cult

CLAY NO

chapter 5

“For Michael.” thank you i am crying again

“You mean it’s about Charlie.” nice job jessica you just summed up the novel and a good part of the games in one sentence!

“’It was the machine Charlie’s father built to kill himself.’“ aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

what

what the fuck

what the fuck

oh

ohmy god

ohmygod

chapter 6

no don’t split up that’s how people die in horror stuff

make up your mind john. are you gonna call him dave, afton, or springtrap

WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE CHARLIE ALONE IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU DUMBASSES

chapter 7

“’Am i not enough?’ ... ‘No, you’re not.’“ okay i know this woman is Definitely Evil but i feel bad for her now

john, jess, you two are literally being ten times too obvious

oh, a walkie talkie? this can only go well.

“Charlie was looking at him like he was prey.” oh fun.

JESSICA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

“Her bright orange hair was tied up in two pigtails on either side of her head...” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay but not-charlie is actually giving me chills. scott and kira, nice job there

oh fuck

chapter 8

it’s BABY TIME BITCHES

“Now I know that people are all fading, fragile, inconsequential.” well if you didn’t know she was a bad guy after fucking MURDERING AUNT JEN ATTEMPTING TO KILL CLAY AND KIDNAPPING JESSICA this line solidified it

i can literally hear heather masters speaking these lines

fuck off william you stinky bitch

jessica sweetie you’re doing great

“...because if that’s hell, there’s a hole at the bottom of it reserved for you.” JESSICA SWEETIE YOU’RE DOING FUCKING AMAZING

“Elizabeth!” ooooh name drop

“They’re still in there.” o h

chapter 9

“I have to get inside!” that sounds... familiar

“Yeah, it’s a good neighborhood, John. Nothing bad ever happens here.” carlton i missed you so much

“John sent me to help.” OH NO

okay so flirty femme fatale. cool

“I rushed into my last relationship and I almost ended up dead in a moldy fur suit.” bdshgdkgad

i’m not really sure that’s how reverse engineering works but dang if that wasn’t a cool way of escaping baby

chapter 10

“He’s been here long enough for those to heal...” william afton i am coming for your ass

chapter 11

“My only lasting instruction for you concerns the fourth closet.” ooo title drop

“...fill it with every kind of flammable thing and burn it to the ground...” seems like bear dad’s keeping with his whole fire thing

“’I’m the only you that matters.’“ shut up you bitchy metal scrapheap

chapter 12

“’It’s legal as long as you don’t pick any locks,’ he said. ‘Now be quiet so I can pick this lock.’“ guys i think i have a new favorite line

OF COURSE THERE’S A MIRROR MAZE

YOU CAN’T HAVE A CLOWN THEME HORROR NOVEL WITHOUT MIRROR MAZES

“’I kn-ow you’re in h-ere.’” oH?

IS IT MY BOY?

“The glitching voice had a strange, unsteady tone.” IS IT MY B O Y

IT IS MY BOY

FUNTIME FREDDY HAS JOINED THE PARTY

chapter 13

“Why do I have to be the leader? It’s bad enough when I’m just in charge of myself.” okay but big mood

MANGLE???

MANGLE I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU

M A N GL E

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

so like is the funtime foxy from sl now confirmed to be mangle or am i reading this wrong

scott and kira: mangle is a literal monster who can and will kill

me, pointing at mangle: good baby fox

scott and kira:

me, pointing at mangle harder: g o o d  b a b y  f o x

wow i can’t believe funtime freddy is fucking dead

press f to pay respects lads

chapter 14

“You’re so attached to something so... easily broken.” elizabeth you are literally the definition of a fucking villain

also one of your teammates was smashed to hell and back pretty easily what does that say about you

what

what the fuck

what the fuck is going on

chapter 15

“A boy in a black-and-white striped shirt...” oh?

“‘That’s our friend. He helped me find my puppy!’“ OH

all the missing children are gone now and i’m sobbing

chapter 16

“’Oh, please, I practically am a nurse...’” marla being a premed student makes you a future nurse, not a nurse now

in conclusion: everything hurts and i’m dying

[travelswithzsubes]

2:57:19

I kind of can’t believe I’m sitting here writing this race report.

The very idea of it felt like a pipe dream for so many years. I actually can’t really remember the exact moment when I decided I wanted to run a sub-3 hour marathon. Was it in 2009, when I decided, lying comfortably on a Seaman Street bed in New Brunswick, that my first marathon would be in Pittsburgh? (Spoiler alert: No.) Was it in 2011, when I really tried to qualify for Boston for the first time? (No - I was just trying to run below a 3:10:59 in Wilmington that day so I could make the minimum Boston qualifying time.) Was it in 2012? (Kind of - my first half of the Ocean Drive Marathon was sub 1:30. But, looking back, that first half was a little bit too good to be true, and I faded hard to my 3:03 with an asterisk.) The first real time I tried to go sub-3 was 2015, in Philly, when I had a real shot at it with a 1:27 first half, and then my legs died and I had nothing. I also had nothing in 2017 in Boston. So - another try, at age 33, without really knowing if my body was capable of doing such a thing.

I actually started training for this marathon back in April, when, during a normal 10 mile run, I felt positively like a doughball. I could barely crack a 7 minute pace during the run. Enough. Enough! Time to train for real.

And so I went on a diet and started attacking my workouts. I went to Crossfit. I began running 4-5 days a week - because of injury, that had been unheard of during my buildups in 2012, 2015, 2017. I linked up with RVRR buddies to do speed workouts on the track basically once a week. I did a few summer series 5Ks. I started feeling faster on the track, and I did an unmeasurable number of double digit runs in what felt like triple digit heat. (An endless supply of hot runs during training.) Most crucially - I avoided any major injury. My knee always gives me little problems here and there, and I had some foot concerns throughout, but unlike other years I didn’t develop some kind of exotic and fun new injury from this training. And once I did my 22 mile training run at a 7:23 per mile pace, I knew I at least had a shot at my goal. 

Running the incredibly hot Newport Half in Jersey City, four weeks before the marathon. My 1:25:51 was solid, but it wasn’t fast enough to make me feel fully confident.

Yes, I had a small bout of mysterious stomach muscle discomfort when I pushed during my track workouts and during other runs, and that freaked me out a little bit, but I came to terms with the fact that there wasn’t much I could do about it. “Just know it’s going to hurt and accept it,” Matt said. And it was true.

October 13, and I showed up in Schenectady with that mentality. There’s nothing like a small race, the Mohawk Hudson Marathon, mostly along bike paths and the eponymous rivers (and through duly named towns like Watervliet and Colonie and Cohoes), with everyone congregated and shivering in a small parking lot as the mist rises off the dewy grass, to get you fired up. I stripped off my pants and hoodie, dutifully handed my bag drop to the volunteers, and waited for the gun to go off.

***

I had just bought a GPS watch for this race, and it was equal parts distracting and helpful. Knowing that I was running about a 6:35 pace from the start of the race was incredibly helpful, yes. But it also meant that I was checking my watch incessantly throughout the first mile, and, therefore, during the whole race. It definitely took some joy out of the running and unquestionably took me out of the moment.

But whatever. I wasn’t in this race to have a Zen kind of experience. I really only had one mission - to run a sub-3 time, really no matter what it took. And so I checked my watch at the expense of being a bit more in touch with my body (and certainly at the expense of looking at the fall colors all around me and observing the Mohawk River floating lazily to my left).

The beginning of the race felt fine. It wasn’t hard for me to start with a 6:37 mile. It didn’t even feel that fast at that point, and it’s all lost in a sea of adrenaline then anyways. My goal was to run 6:45s for the first half (to reach the 13.1 mile mark in about 1:28) and then try to stay consistent enough through the end to run a 2:59 or whatever it was. Even so, 6:37 felt OK. The stomach thing did seem to act up briefly, which was a little disconcerting. But it faded away early on, and even though pushing felt hard, it didn’t have a major say in how I performed throughout the race.

I saw a nice pack of 7 runners in front of me around Mile 2, and I put in a little burst of speed. It was a small race, and running with a little group to break the wind for me would be kind of nice, I figured. I kind of stuck with them. The next few miles: 6:31, 6:26, 6:22. Suffice it to say I was feeling good, and maybe a little too good. There was a bunch of downhill, and I’m pretty sure I hit a 6:00 pace at some point in there, which affected those paces for sure.

That’s when I caught a conversation between a couple of the guys I was running with. “We’re trying to hit the halfway point at 1:25,” one said to another. So - too fast for me! It wasn’t easy to do, but I immediately dropped back. I’ve made the mistake to stay with - or even pass - a group like that in previous marathons. You feel so good, and nothing can go wrong at that point, but it’ll never get you very far. At that point I basically decided to focus on running relatively comfortable, consistent miles. We were solidly on the bike path at that point, where we’d stay for the next 13 miles or so. Even though the path is relatively uninspiring, and doesn’t have a ton of crowd support, it’s beautiful, and it really lets you get into a legitimate rhythm. Plus the cheering at the water stops wasn’t bad. I tried to take Alexi Pappas’s advice: “When it hurts, just smile.” It actually kind of weirdly works.

6:41, 6:39, 6:40. Except for one outlier mile at 6:33, every mile up until 13 was between 6:39 and 6:44. That was pretty much what I was going for. I looked at my watch all the while and just tried to let myself settle. I’d call it defensive running. I was being conservative, running slower than I was capable of, just really trying to set the internal pace metronome and trying to stick right to it.

But I started to get scared around Mile 9. That was where I felt myself needing to put in a little more effort to maintain that pace. Oh, I thought. I have a very long way to go. If I can barely maintain it here…

…just get to Mile 13, I told my unsettled mind. Just get there, and then the race really begins. Then you can really start doing damage; then you can really see what you’re made of today.

But you can’t get to the real part of the race without the mise en place of those first 13 miles. And so they mess with your mind. They’re fake, a mirage before the stage play, but they stand in front of you like obstacles.

The last one was the hardest. Mile 13 had a little uphill, then a steep downhill, then a couple more uphills. I overcompensated on them a bit and found myself running a 6 minute pace. Up a hill. My legs didn’t feel great doing it. Easy, I thought. You’re going too fast.

Thankfully the half marathon mark beckoned, not too far ahead. I hit it in about 1:26:30 - well ahead of my goal. I had plenty of time in the bank now to make things happen, which was good, because I could tell I was weakening. Miles 13-18 are tough. They’re so far from the end, but so deep into the race. Try to just keep up that same pace, I thought. Just keep turning them over and here we go.

And I actually felt like I hit a second wind. Mile 14 was a little scary. At that point, you just know the wall is coming at some point, and you hope you don’t hit it too soon. I felt the death sneer of it all creep its fingers up my neck. But it wasn’t there yet, and even though it took more effort, I turned over a 6:41. Others started to catch up to me, and so then I tried to mostly keep their pace. I actually started to somehow feel strong. 6:39. 6:34 for Mile 16. I knew, for the second half, that I just had to average somewhere between 6:52 and 7 minute miles to achieve my goal. Every mile I ran faster than that I was putting time in the bank. Just keep putting doing that, I thought. Who knows how much longer you can go. 

And yet, somehow, I actually felt fast.

I ate a GU at Mile 16. I immediately got a stomach cramp. I haven’t gotten one of those in a long time. GU is usually fine to me - thankfully, somehow, the cramp teetered on the edge before fading away. Maybe the thumb jammed into my insides actually worked.

And then I was at Mile 17 - where you get off the trail and on to the streets. At this point the haze started to kick in. 

Life can be dark, and it’s especially grim at Mile 17 of a marathon. Your soul starts to struggle. Is this all there is? Black, joyless, never ending strides forward? Nothing in your body really wants to keep going; everything wants to be still. It’s a deep, desolate place. You feel like a baby; you want to cry every second. Here, running is an emotional experience much more than a physical one.

And yet you keep running. You have to.

There was a rail crossing at mile 17.5 in Cohoes on road that is open to trains. No matter, there was no train. I ran downhill afterward, feeling the small adrenaline rush from the lack of train traffic that would have derailed my Boston time. You take anything you can get at that moment. The crowd started to pick up at this point, and I just tried now to keep moving straight and try to keep turning over the same pace. Just. Keep. Running. The. Same. Pace. You’re okay. Sweetheart. Keep running at the same speed. Over. And. Over.

It mostly worked!

I got to Mile 20 feeling rough, but I passed it at about 2:12:30. That meant I could run the rest of the pace at close to 8 minute miles and still make 3 hours. At that point I wasn’t even close to that. I knew I had a real shot now.

And yet you never know. The last six miles…the wheels can just fall off.

So, again. Defensive running. Just try to keep up a solid pace, nothing fancy. Run your race. It’s OK to slow down to 7 minute miles now. That is more than OK. The crowd was nearby, cheering, but people simply look like apparitions at this point, scarecrows that you just have to pass on your way to the finish line.

When I started running Mile 22 and saw that I was hovering around a 7 minute pace, putting more than enough time in the bank, I actually briefly teared up. It was so close. And yet. NOT NOW! I thought. Anything can happen. NOT YET!

On cue, my left calf cramped up briefly. Is this how it ends? I thought. With me cramping on the side of the road, unable to run another step?

No. It wasn’t. Thankfully, I got on the last section of the path around Mile 22 and just…at this point, I was simply gutting it out. I didn’t have much left. I so badly wanted to stop. And yet…four more miles. That’s not nothing. Just maintain, I thought. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts now. Just maintain, and the glory will come.

Here and there my leg continued to cramp. Any one spasm could end me. It was terrifying. I ate another GU. Maintain, maintain, maintain.

Mile 23: 7:04. One more mile, I thought. Just one more mile, and you’ll have tons of time in the bank.

Mile 24: 7:08.

I now had about 20 minutes to run 2.2 miles. How many times have I done that in my life? So very many.

And yet.

Just NOW one more mile, I thought. If you get to 1.2 miles left, and you have more than 10 minutes to do that, there’s almost no way you’ll fail, unless the cramps get you.

I saw a bridge over the Hudson up ahead. Don’t look at your watch till you get there, I told myself. There’s a water stop there. Your legs are jelly; you can barely run. Just maintain.

I got to the bridge. I looked at my watch.

I was holding a 7:11 pace.

And when I got to Mile 25, with 13 minutes left to run 1.2 miles, I knew it was basically sealed.

I was too cracked out and dazed and tired to be in a celebratory mood. Just, please, someone, anyone, let it end. I knew I didn’t have to run fast, but I still tried to keep it up. I really couldn’t anymore, though. Maybe it’s because I knew I had it, but the thought of crushing a final mile in 6:30 seemed impossible. Someone passed me. “You’ve been pulling me for 10 miles,” he told me. I tried to stay with him. He wasn’t even running fast. I couldn’t.

And so the crowd numbers increased as I wound my way along the path to the finish line. A half mile to go. This was actually happening.

In the end I barely remember the finish line. My brain was fried, overfed on self-control and the metronomic pace of a 6:41 mile. It wasn’t some glorious Eliud Kipchoge-esque finish. But as I saw the finishing banner come into view, I smiled wide. (You can see this in the race photos.) I felt nothing more than a broad, deep sense of satisfaction. My smile that you can see in the photos reflects that.

Me on the right, with the weight off my shoulders

I guess I finished at some point. My watch read 2:57:19.

And I stood just past the chalk, holding the gate, trying to soak it all in, trying to understand what it means for a goal of 10 years to be finally realized.

The immensity of it is impossible to understand at that point. But as I stood there, I felt deep exhaustion. That much was unmistakable. But with deep exhaustion comes a deep sense of peace. I could rest now, bask in the literal and metaphorical 60 degree warm sun that shone above us. And I could drive home two hours later, high on chocolate milk and Ruffles potato chips, screaming uncontrollably with joy as I blazed down the highway, knowing that this was it. This was actually it.

***

I’m planning on running Boston in 2021. I know I’ll get in at this point. It feels amazing. It’s an incredible race and I’m so happy to be going back.

I’ll always have a special place in my heart for that strip of bike path along the Hudson River where the race ended. I’m a sub-three hour marathoner now, no matter what. It’s mine, and I’m going to hold on to it like a grateful child.

I’m writing this a few days later. The run already feels like a long time ago. I can mostly walk normally again. Life moves on, and I’m already looking at half marathons I can do in November to capitalized on my in-shape status. I’ll run the Turkey Chase 10K on Thanksgiving Day. Work is heating up; the Jewish holidays are in full swing. It’s easy for all this to be in the rearview mirror.

But I’m trying to hold on to this as tightly as I can. For a brief time, as I sat on a grassy hill after the race, soaking in the adulation that comes with congratulatory text messages, on a perfect fall day, there was absolutely nothing more that I needed from my life. It’s rare that you get perfect moments. A moment where nothing is wrong, and you can’t imagine anything being wrong, and there’s nothing more the day demands of you. 

If nothing else, having that made it all worth it. 

[sanjipussyindulgence]

had an idea for a kafmina edit but i realized if i wanted to achieve the effect i wanted id have to pretty much entirely redrawn this panel... so i pretty much entirely redrew this panel. came out pretty nice.

my edit on the left, OG panel on the right for comparison.

[sanjipussyindulgence]

kaiju no. 8 chapter 114 moodboard