#im so so mad at myself i want to be able to live it normally so bad and handle it all with grace

[fairycosmos]

IM SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO COPE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO

[rigaudon]

I am holding myself together by a fucking thread and I just want it to break so i can get a break.

[c0rpseductor]

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

[meatsex]

its suicide awareness week (in the states at least) in fact, it ends right on my birthday this saturday (which stings on a personal level), i feel like to some degree its my duty to make some kind of insight about this considering its been a struggle for me this year and that ive been making it a struggle for others by posting about it here, but realistically i dont know what to say

im not asking for pity with this post, i just need to let out some of it, and in a way apologize for all the times i have scared people with how i can get when im in "the hole":

this year has been hard, a lot of things have happened, mostly internal realizations, but also small daily negative things that began to slowly deteriorate me to a breaking point. i began to externalize my feelings more in my art, at the cost of feeling embarassment and fear of being shunned or laughed at, but in return i have also found that it brings comfort to others, and that makes me happy. ive been trying to be more open about my issues, to be able to ask for help, but its also been hard, people dont take anything seriously, you arr selfish for wanting to kill yourself, you are an attention seeker for hurting yourself, you are just some jobless loser, these are the kind of things ive experienced and see others be told, it hurts a lot, my head hurts a lot right now, because even if im not hurting at this moment, in a way ive been hurting the entire year, and even some more time.

its not anyone's duty to help someone that really needs it, its complicated, its frustrating, no one is ever fully prepared for it, im not sure if i would be, but at least for me (because this is about me personally) even just checking in once means a lot.

even among others with the same struggles, i feel distant and less, undeserving of help, and i have even tried to push away from my life the people that have tried to help me, "they are going to get so mad they will stop trying", its a scary thought, the less people around you, the easier and closer becomes the choice of going through with it, once others have no emotional links to you, you are unstoppable, or at least thats how i imagine it.

i think the thing that has hurt me the most is finding out feeling this way isn't the normal way to be, that not everyone in the world lives life thinking "i want to kill myself so bad", it was so alienating, it made me realize just how bad my situation can get, and in how much denial ive been my entire life.

"my issues arent real" "im a faker because i dont cut myself" "someone else has it worse so i shouldnt complain", its still hard to push away these thoughts, in all honesty i still believe all of them, but im trying to listen to people both on a friends level to outright my therapist, when they tell me that they are in fact very real.

theres no happy note to end this post on, at least not right now, just some bittersweet statements, because even if im fine right now, i know ill go back to it, in fact, maybe ill never "heal" from it, but if i can keep my head above water with the help i get when i need it, then i think thats okay, and if you could try and do the same for someone else, even if its scary, even if you feel like you are not helping, even if it feels like they only want you to go away, well, i think that might be enough for that person.

[yuukei-yikes]

i was thinking abt how ayano and shintaro r the only two characters who ever die by suicide (shintaro is only in some routes but STILL.) and like how that's a way of showing that they had the potential to understand each other (bc in my opinion they r actually very similar) but not until either of them were dead. idk does this make sense? i just thought of this today so this thought isnt very refined yet i need to think abt it more

they ARE similar!!!!! i totally agree. shintaro and ayano are totally similar people. they're both Justice Seekers but are so depressed and have such horrible self worth they can't actually be proactive about things. but then they are :3

i wish we got ayano pov from hs and why she liked shintaro. I've always thought ayano's crush on him is...cute!!! because she's literally going thru the horrors, her mom died, her dad is being Strange, and she has to take care of the house and her siblings all alone PLUS later learning of all the horrible stuff about the daze and clearing. and yet. she's also a normal hs girl who has a silly crush on her classmate. not that we ever saw it but i definitely think ayano got to see at least once the shintaro we see who fights for good and doesn't let fear get to him like when he yells at the fucking terrorists or acts all cool when they face clearing in the novels. i think ayano got to see shintaro being Heroic or whatever and she was like THIS is the kind of guy we need to be recruiting in the mekakushi dan🔥🔥🔥 like seriously im delusional abt this but i think there should be a shinaya backstory abt this.

man i wish we saw more hs shinaya😭😭😭😭😭 im so mad that they only ever show shintaro being a fucking asshole lord in hs like im not rooting for you bitch FAST FORWARD NOW but the fact ayano knows shintaro likes music and shoujo manga etcetc its clear ayano and shintaro had normal ass conversations all the time. SHOW THEM TO MEEEEEE whatever. i dont even care <- cares

anyways i just wanted to say i think ayano does Kind of understand shintaro. i also wish we saw ayano think of shintaro in the entire conjecture with clearing eyes killing haruka and takane and her sacrificing herself for them and the mekatrio. Go listen to full disclosure from steven universe and you will understand my ayano vision for this. sorry that was weird. i think ayano wanted to keep shintaro as uninvolved as possible, haruka and takane were inevitably already in it. she just wanted to make sure to take them Out of it but shintaro.. i think ayano always had the feeling shintaro would get involved. i think ayano gravitates towards shintaro because she needed help and she needed a hero and deep down she knew this was him. but she never manages to properly reach out or even understand it i guess. but i think ayano did understand shintaro maybe even more he understood himself. on the other hand shintaro DID NOT understand ayano AT ALL but like you said, he could have. who knows how things had gone if shintaro had walked in when he saw ayano crying in the classroom!!! imagine ayano managing to pour her heart out and tell him what's gonna happen to their friends and her family. he would've helped. shintaro would've done something. but ayano wouldn't want him to bc he would get hurt but at the same time she WOULD want him to because she's so scared and alone and desperate for help *holds head *

also i always make myself insane abt shintaro and ayano being depressed legends who wanna die. while haruka and takane struggle with health problems and want to Live So Badly. sorry for bringing up harutaka Hi its me tumblr user yuukei yikes vinnie i will ALWAYS make it about harutaka. i just wanted to say that. shinaya who wanna die and tragedy arises from never meeting in the middle and not being able to understand each other vs harutaka who wanna live more than anything and tragedy arises from being forcibly separated.

ayano's words to takane when she's projecting so hard. there are times you want to tell someone something but you wind up being too late. ayano was never gonna say anything to shintaro because she didnt Want to. she knew what she was going to the roof for. while takane immediately makes a run for it to say something to haruka, she is just too late and has no control over her fate. whatever im normal!

[benny-the-spaceman]

kinda wanted to talk abt smthn that's been bothering me lately but uhhhh i got a little longwinded and ik this isnt what most ppl come to my blog for so it's under the cut (for summary purposes it's mostly just me talking about how my ocd has been botherin me lately, nothin about anyone, just personal struggle ya feel? (: )

eugh, i hate ocd. i know i havent rly talked much openly abt it in a hot minute but it has been makin this acc difficult to manage sometimes, esp in regards to what i want to do and post. i keep thinking people hate me or dont want me to talk/interact with them for quite literally no reason, and it's the worst thing in the world. most of this isnt something youd see just looking at my blog, but it's completely changed how i post. i get rly nervous adding tags to posts or leaving comments/asks, i feel like if i post things that dont fit into very specific categories that people are gonna be annoyed and/or mad at me, and probably the dumbest thing, ive been struggling to post art at a time that isnt between 3-5 because im afraid that ill be breaking an arbitrary routine that i made up in my head which is obviously the end of the world (it feels like it for me). now, ive been working on these things. ok maybe not that much but im trying. and im not looking for reassurance or comforts or anything, ive lived with ocd my whole life, i know i can and will work through this. quite honestly, i just wanted to verbalize my feelings in some way here because it's uncomfortable to do so, and i know it's gonna make me anxious to do so, and i need to use this as a way to push myself to be uncomfortable. i want to stop obsessing over stupid details that no one except for my anxiety cares about and i want to be able to talk to ppl on here like a normal person again instead of feeling like i need to say or do very specific things lest people hate me for,,,,nothing? gotta love ocd logic. so i guess in some ways im using this post as a way to hold myself accountable, hope yall understand and also thank you for reading this far if you did, everyone in this community that ive interacted with has always been great, and i hope that i can continue talking to ppl here in the future (:

[katana-zero]

TUMBLR USER GAMMANULLZERO I LOVE YOU

Hold on let me try to answer to all of your tags dkdmmfmmc I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I saw AAHHH

Also sorry english is not my first language so I might struggle with some sentences!! (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

I'M GLAD THAT THIS PIC CAPTURED HER WELL 🥹🥹🥹 I wanted to draw something chill because!!! Well!!! She is chill!!

TY I love when people like my coloring (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠)

I LOVE YOUR MIND

I think actually he would feel trouble feeling anything. He'd probably regret killing kids if he ever done that (because of LG) but otherwise I think he wouldn't feel anything. At first I thought that he'd feel alive, since canonically he feels alive only when taking someone else's life, but I'm not sure he'd feel anything just watching the record.

Or he'd feel the stinging feeling of regret, if church monologue is actually his (I have a theory that it's actually Fifteen's thoughts, but I'm not really sure so!! Just a fun thought) and he felt bad watching all those people cry.

Or he'd feel everything at once like one big complicated feeling (⁠*⁠﹏⁠*⁠;⁠) I don't know how to describe it.

THANK YOU!!! 🥹🥹🥹

I love SnowHunter SO MUCH my favourite lesbians. They have me in chokehold since I first thought about them I just. Need more of them in my life.

I think Snow uses something similar to chronos! Like that green thing Psych used in boss fight. He mentioned that the government created more than just one drug for war, so it's safe to assume that she will most likely use something similar. Or it might be something that organization Snow works for created, since they somehow recreated chronos. I hope we'll see what she uses in the dlc 🙏

I LOVE USING RED THANK YOU SM

🥹 jsjxjjsk Zero and Fifteen cuddling Leviathan and Behemoth... The eepies

Fifteen stop being mad just hug a biblical creation bro chill out

:3 I love drawing Zero with a scruff, I'm glad someone else likes it too!

Fifteen katana zero I need you Fifteen katana zero

AHHH I'M SO HAPPY YOU NOTICED THE EFFECT!! I like drawing it on my artworks with nulls because it shows how their time is running out yk yk (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧ mentally ill guys

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL THE FEEDBACK I LOVE YOUUU AGHHHHHH

YAYYYYYY IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE ALL OF THESE!!! I GOT A FEW THINGS TO SAY BACK

ykw ykw. i think he'd feel so much about everything that he'd just go numb. his normal blank expression on his face but somehow even more unreadable than normal. idk if he'd be able to feel anything after that. him feeling "alive" while killing is just him feeling like he's actually having an effect on the world around him yk? that's how he was raised, a child soldier. but losing your memories of that and then running with the mindset that only the lives of criminals and corrupt police deserve less value only to see yourself killing children? beings that physically cannot have less value because they have so much more life ahead of them? brooooo brooooooooo he's done for he's donneeee. I really like the theory that the monologue is from fif instead of zero too- and it makes sense! fifteen has such strong connections to his past that of course he'd have such strong thoughts about what it was like. zero for sure could say it himself but he's so warped about whats real and not that i dont think he could form that strong of an opinion (and if it IS his thoughts then its just what psych planted in his head)

SPEAKING OF PSYCH im pretty sure the green mega chronos or whatever the psych uses was confirmed to be not actually canon and (speculation from here) just a hallucination from zero's end considering the path to getting that boss is just by pissing him off. BUT but but i do think her amping herself up on the fake chronos that the company is making is soooo real. i hope we see in the dlc god ugh. either way i definitely gotta draw some snowhunter myself since i havent stopped thinking about it.

anyway YEAHHHHH RUNNING OUT OF TIMEEEEEEE. i loveeee how subtle it is in your art but also directly staring you in the face. youre soooo good at it !!!!!

[rottytops]

i definitely think the adhd medication (successfully) rewired my brain and made me seek out long term goals over short term pleasure like i have been literally my entire life so now my current goals are to unfuck my credit to move away from my shitty roomies, get my new car and actually get into an ltr lmao

SUPRISINGLY ENOUGH 2 of these 3 goals are either in progress or very obtainable ive been saving a tunna cash and i can get a new car next month after i get my license renewed and ive found this cute little studio that i can maybe move into if i get help co-signing it, then ill just camp out there until my loans are paid off in 50000 years

the last one though.,,,,its so weird. the like. burning fervor to date someone long term kinda slugged me in the back of the head! ive always WANTED a nice relationship but it was never a PRIORITY to me bc i had video games or whatever. these new feelings made me realize ive been living my life like. entirely for myself which is FINE but my standards for myself (combined with how ADHD made me content with literally anything as long as it was easy) make me like. gutter trash tier as a partner, i think. essentially as i am now, unless the other person is equal parts deranged and shitty, im utterly unlovable which is like. tough tits i guess. but if im honest about it i can at least try to change it. part of me is conflicted; if i have to change myself to become more datable, is the person really dating me, or am i just creating a false persona to get conditional love. its a scary thought but at the same time im not really changing MYSELF past getting in shape and taking care of my skin, its more im giving up on being a dopamine addicted manchild and getting my own apartment. with my own car and stuff...these are actually just completely normal goals to have and i already wanted them i just kinda have new motivation for it lmao!

you cant just force a relationship and theres no way im attracting the hoes to me in my shitty room, so i think i need to??? go??? outside??? and hang out with ppl??? utterly mortifying but when i get my car next month i think i can actually do that. id like to make more irl friends as well, i had a bunch of friends in college so. i guess ill go to more smash locals or something but outside of that sigh sigh i have no idea.

these major revelations have all hit me in like the past 2 weeks, since i started my medication and the dosage was upped, i have a lot of work to do and not that much time to do it, really!!!! i hope i can become someone like. worth keeping around in a few months time...!!! the pieces are there i just need to like, put them together....



i could write a whole thing on how mad i am that it took me so long to get medicated and how fast i became a Normal Person after being on meds but like idk that line of thinking doesnt help anybody...!! i accomplished so much even with my debilitating ADHD and now i can do so much more with a mindset that can actually handle the shit neurotypical people expect me to be able to do, considering how im literally good at everything, combined with how ive managed to survive this long with almost no real help from irl people (seriously ive gotten more assistance from my online friends than literally anybody in my family both financially and emotionally) means that me WITH medication is gonna go absolutely insane. im going to be like ultra rich this time next year, probably LMAO....or at least have a boyfriend AURHUFG



anyway if u read this for some reason i love u and also give me ideas on going out and meeting people, i think i can hold a conversation just fine but where do people even GO. do you guys think ppl at bars or whatever know about disgaea. hmmm.

[fearowkenya]

im soooooo mad

definitely not mad At anyone, but the circumstances in which i find myself are frustrating ):

every time around the holidays when i have to hang out w/ my stepdads family i think to myself Hmm i would love to get to know them better and be more implicated in their lives so that i can Feel Something (some kind of attachment or what have you) so i always tell myself Well then you gotta start going to more family functions otherwise theyre going to assume you dont want to go , and then they just won't invite you, and then of course you will feel Nothing and make no connections

anyway so my stepdads niece is getting married today and months ago i agreed to go which is fine , no one had to strong arm me into it, was even kinda looking forward to being Part of something.

smashcut to now, and its just the worst possible time for me to go anywhere. i dont even think id be able to get back home tonight :/ id have to stay at my moms and go home in the morning and i hate that. for so many reasons.

cabbi (my cat) is just recovering from a UTI so im going to be thinking about her all day

its like a zillion degrees today (~30C today, 'feels like' 30-38) and we live on the third floor so our apartment gets even hotter. theres AC in only one room in my apartment and cabbi hates the AC. girl im sorry for trying to make sure you dont turn into a puddle

even tho the weddings at 3:30 i have to take the fuckall early train at 9:30am so i cant do my normal saturday routine for the second week in a row

i have to stay over at my moms (i might try to find a way around this) so i cant even go home tonight and start my sunday routine properly in the morning

my roommate also happens to be away today and is similarly not going to be back until like midnight so no one is gonna be home to feed cabbi , and tbh thats whatever , i can give her all of her food this morning , its the uti recovery + outrageous heat that im worried about

i knew this was happening but this week has been so turbulent that i didnt like, remember the Exact Circumstances as outlined above and now im just seething about not having been more prepared and making a better plan

"mattie take an uber home" i am not kidding you it will cost like 100 dollars if i do that. my mom lives so fuckign far away from here, and the wedding is in the same town that my mom lives in so i couldnt even take an uber from there

"mattie what about public transit" the closest public transit is a town over, and its a weekend so the schedule is skeletal at best

"mattie cant you get a lift with someone else who does not live out in the beautiful but very distant sticks" i am going to try but i dont now if i will succeed

fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tadpolesonalgae]

this chapter was so good! i feel like we got to see a little of everyone's thoughts here which im glad because her view of everything really is so limited. there's so much to say omg i hope i don't rant for too long

first the azriel pov was good to see how things are going from his side but it does kinda suck that he still mostly cares just because of his job. i hope we actually get some feelings from him soon, even if platonic because things aren't looking good for reader

maybe i've been too hard on the ic lol but i stand by that they should try harder. i get elain telling nesta she needs time but this has been going on for years and no matter how much reader likes reading and staying up in her room it's not healthy. i get it worked for elain but it's clearly getting worse for reader so i hope after this shopping trip they start pulling her out of her comfort zone more and more, like it doesn't have to be dinners with everyone but at least once or twice a week making sure someone takes her out of the house even to like a bakery or something for at least an hour isn't that hard to do and it helps a lot. i know i get stuck on this issue a lot but i think ive said before that im kind of similar to reader in a way, ive always had a tendency to isolate myself and i cant really do large groups of people but my family has always pulled me out of it and dragged me to do something and i was usually mad the entire time and sometimes half in a panic but it works. giving her time and space is good but after months and especially years that space is just making her more and more isolated and makes it harder to help. and i think the biggest thing is that its been years since she's been fae but it makes sense that they had their hands full with the war and then nesta was on a way more self destructive path and then nyx so i get it but i wish they helped more. and i get elain not wanting to make her more uncomfortable but she's not really helping to be honest, just because she likes being in her room it doesn't make it good at all and nesta is right. it's been too long for them to still be letting her hide from everything, it's clear she isn't okay.

as much as i loved the chapter it was so frustrating to read. reader really doesn't think she deserves anything good and it sucks. like not even clothes? i know mor saw how bad it was so i hope this makes the ic move more because this isn't a good way to live at all and there are so many red flags with reader at this point. she clearly isolates herself, she thinks she doesn't deserve anything good, she keeps comparing herself to everyone physically, she has no self esteem at all. the moments where she was examining the dress she liked and from the description it was a wool full length dress and she still found a way to think it was revealing? i never had much hope for her style but she really dresses like a nun and it also shows that she isn't comfortable with herself at all. also when she thought she was being selfish for buying clothes? im sorry to elain but reader doesn't need more space, she needs everyone to have a really serious conversation with her and tell her that she doesn't need to do anything to deserve a normal life and normal things, honestly i think it should be nesta or all the sisters because this is has bad as nesta was before acosf, she just hides instead of lashing out. and then she needs someone to start pushing her a bit, she'll have to be uncomfortable before she gets better but she can't keep going like this, she's basically punishing herself for breathing. eris would be good for the pushing her a bit part but i hope someone actually talks to her first.

the part when the ic finds out either about her powers or eris is going to be really messy but i hope it comes soon and honestly i kinda hope she says some of what she's feeling, even if it's in the middle of a breakdown because something needs to happen and she's not going to be able to do it without everyone's help. she has such a long way to go and she only seems like she's getting worse so i hope we get to see her starting to heal soon - 🧶

‘there's so much to say omg i hope i don't rant for too long’

I love whenever you send these in! It’s so fun to see you dissect the chapter and so heartwarming too 🥹🫂🫂

‘even if platonic because things aren't looking good for reader’

I hate to say it, but things are probably going to get worse before they get better 🫣 (maybe 👀)

I will admit, it would be nice to write them having a normal exchange for once? Maybe when reader’s come back from an outing and she’s too frazzled from so much interaction for her nerves to set in 🤭

‘ i get it worked for elain but it's clearly getting worse for reader’

I mean I suppose from their perspective reader and Elain are kind of similar in that they’re both pretty quiet and reserved so it would make sense that perhaps reader would have the same coping mechanisms as her? But yeah, now that it’s been two years and there’d kind of time to relax (👀) and things haven’t changed, Nesta at least is beginning to notice some stuff :/

‘but at least once or twice a week making sure someone takes her out of the house’

Also she does go out with Bas every now and then so they would have taken that into consideration, but at the same time I’ve head-cannoned it that they don’t know the nature of her and Bas’ relationship? Az at least thinks it’s still purely platonic (on reader’s side) so that might be fun for when the penny finally drops 🫣🤭

‘ and i was usually mad the entire time and sometimes half in a panic but it works.’

Gosh I know what you mean 🫠

In the moment it’s stressful and you don’t want to be there, but years later the memories are actually kind of fondly viewed? I think that will probably be the case with reader once she begins to get used to the company?

‘from the description it was a wool full length dress and she still found a way to think it was revealing?’

Yup! (Can you imagine how comfy that would be? 🫠) She certainly has some problems with seeing how she looks, and I like to think a lot of that comes from spending so long being forced to let go of her beauty when she was younger? Like she remembers how wonderful and full of colour her childhood was and has kind of glorified and exaggerated that in her mind? Memory has shifted it to be much more rich and beautiful than it probably was, so in the back of her mind she’s comparing how things used to be with her years in poverty, and stuck thinking instead of how lucky things have turned out and accepting them, thinking how she just doesn’t deserve them anymore :/

‘she needs everyone to have a really serious conversation with her’

There certainly will be a serious conversation at some point 👀🤭

‘eris would be good for the pushing her a bit part but i hope someone actually talks to her first.’

So this part I’m a little scared to write because once it’s out then everything else will have to happen 😭

The moment Elain talks with her and Eris starts to help (in his own skewered way, of course) then the story is going to have to move forward and I’m genuinely so scared to mess it up

‘the part when the ic finds out either about her powers or eris is going to be really messy’

Yeah… 😬😬😬

‘and honestly i kinda hope she says some of what she's feeling,’

It’s definitely going to be cathartic when she manages to do something for herself, let’s just hope the ic will be able to prioritise that over the mess with Eris 👀

Thank you so much for sending this in!! It’s always so wonderful to read through your thoughts and reply to them—it honestly makes me smile so wide to see these whenever you send them in 🧡💛🫂

[bpd-bottle]

vent //

i genuinely like actually hate myself right now!! i do everything wrong and i mess up people's lives. like for instance i dont get what people mean when they subtly tell me to do something and i like making people mad and driving them away from me and blaming it on them!!! sometimes it just makes me worry because one day ill mess up my whole life with that sht. i cant do anything without messing it all up. life is getting and hard and im barely able to do anything now. my chest gets heavy at times and i just cant breathe and like a wave of depression comes over me and then im smelling smoke and it just it really scared me like im crazy or something. i dont want to be crazy anymore. i want to be normal. i feel like im just alive so i can hog attention for fucks sake. so many people hate me and i act like theyre not even there. it hurts when i want them to know me too. because like i admire them so much and i cant help but want to talk to thembut everybody and their mom knows damn fucking well they want me dead. it really hurts though. because i just want to be okay to talk to them. its hard being like this. because i want to be able to make them so so happy but i cant do that without runing myself in the process and i promised i wouldnt do that for a simple person. but since them ive began cutting and smoking and just ruining my life for them. ive even pretended to delete twitter so that they could be okay, be happy without me. I would delete my life if they told me to. its not love nor is it lust, its just admiration, i need them to like me. i need her to percieve me. tlel me whats wrong with me, ill try my fucking hardest to fix it. i just miss being able to talk to her so normally. and now i find out she just doesnt fucing care. thats okay because i do and ill make sure she never has to care !!! she can stand there upset and ill remove my life for her. i just want to make sure i never upset her because thats not the point of mydumb life. i want her to be happy but im crying so hard i really dont want to leave her i want to know what shes doing at all tmes i need to knwo if shes okay i want to know if she still cares about me i dotn wanna do anything but care for her. but i know im just ruingin her life and making her upset but its just i need er in my life its hard without her i cant live like this. its hard leaving it alone because she just feels so close to me . shes so close but shes so fucking far i cant handle it. i have to have tabs on her but she hates me. she hates me so i try my god damn hardest not to be in her life. yeah, ill say hey a few times on other accoutns, but i will genuinely die if i cant tell her something at least once every few months.

[pinkspiraling]

venting about childhood trauma and how i’m still living in it

i wish i could go around and ask people what it was like to get in trouble in their house bc idk if my experience was wack or not bc when i start to explain it i’m like hmmm…that seems normal. but then maybe not? like they’d take our phones and look through them once they knew we had done something Bad, which means they usually found something else on the phone to be mad about. and then they wouldn’t yell but they’d be angry and disappointed yk and they always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend why we couldn’t just do the right thing! like why did we mess up and do something not good! why! it always felt like an over reaction i guess, they’d have lots of punishments which were always no phone, no electronics or tv, no friends, have to see a christian counselor, have to go to bible study more often/consistently, have to read my bible. etc. when i got caught for drinking i had 11 punishments and they only carried out like half of them. idk i feel silly cause it’s like yeah i got grounded…i messed up and got grounded and my parents were disappointed in me just like every other teenager to ever exist. so why tf was it so traumatizing like holy fuck it was traumatizing it was soooo anxiety inducing all the time to think you might get in trouble any second and you couldn’t control the reaction you’d get and you couldn’t control the punishments, you couldn’t control how they felt about it. like sure if you just lay out what happened it’s maybe not that bad, but i felt so much true fear towards them all the time and i just wonder if that’s not the normal way to feel about your parents. when i would get in trouble i always felt horrible and wanted forgiveness immediately bc i was scared they would stop loving me (like they did with my sister!) and i’m just fucking mad honestly that now i’m like this! like i constantly feel on edge like someone is going to get me in trouble and it’s going to be bad! i feel like someone is waiting to hate me or be disappointed in me and any minute i’m gonna have punishments and angry people who are More Worthy than me who don’t understand why i couldn’t just be good! i don’t wanna deal with this i don’t want to feel like every person is my mom and i’m 7. it’s stupid cause it’s not even actually about feeling 7. i just never stopped feeling that way, its like i know that’s where it started and then it just couldn’t stop. i never learned that getting in trouble or messing up wasn’t a bad thing that people would hate you for. there was no room for error and now i’ve continued that expectation for myself which is crazy! like i am literally just a person i am not a hero, there is no god that wants me to make him happy. i am just a person who is living and it is hard and sometimes idk what i’m doing. i can’t keep being this hard on myself i just won’t be able to survive this way. i am so cruel and so unfair to myself and i give myself so many punishments and ive just been feeling like yeah but at least it’s me! at least it’s mine and i get to say when im in trouble and for what. at least there is control but idk i don’t want it i want to fuck up on accident and forgive myself. i want to fuck up on purpose and forgive myself bc i’m sure i had reasons and now i’ve learned it. life is just learning shit, wtf am i doing trying to be Good. worst part is, my mom would still freak out and overreact if she found out…anything from my actual life lmao. i hate that i still live in that fear! although now it is small and in my hands i can simply squash it because it comes from nothing true. it comes from people who should’ve done better for my younger self and i’m ready to kill it. anyways the original question is basically when other people got grounded did it feel like god ripped you out of the universe and wailed in his disappointment and then threw you back into your house with all the rage still there or no?

[purplebass]

Tbh I know you love luciejesse I did too, but after the scene early on the book where Jesse treats Grace like shit after she told him about the abuse and tells her she should have done something (like dude she was 12 she couldn’t do much) angered me so much I hated him for the rest of the book :(.

Not speaking of the end, as I don’t know if you reached that part yet, but for sure you reached the part Im talking about

Hi anon, don't worry. Even if I like Jesse, I like to talk about him critically as a character. You have every right to be mad at him, and I understand your point. I was curious to see how his confrontation with Grace would go myself, because I knew that it would be unpredictable.

I thought that he would be shocked to learn his mother had used Grace just like she used his body for Belial's plans. He wasn't oblivious to the treatment Tatiana reserved for them. I believe Tatiana tried to keep the treatment she reserved only for Grace a secret from Jesse, because she sensed (and she knew, as she openly tells Grace) that Jesse protected Grace and tried to make her stronger. Thus, Jesse tried to infuse confidence in Grace. Therefore, Jesse himself was an obstacle to Tatiana's plan to make Grace use her power over James. If Jesse knew, he would have talked Grace out of it before anything even started. Jesse was Grace's emotional support and she didn't want to lose him so she kept it a secret. I think, if he'd been alive and not dead, that she might have told him and listened to him because she knew he would have protected her against Tatiana's rage.

If you want, I can write a fix-it fic with Jesse and Grace talking about this and Jesse telling her how he felt about it all?

Now, I don't think Jesse's reaction was too much. I believe that he also blamed himself for not having been there to stop this, and was also angry at himself for not being able to protect his sister. He had a very older brother reaction, imo. He had every right to react as he did. If you recall, he also has a similar reaction when Lucie commands him, and Lucie thinks he's mad at her after and won't see her anymore. What drove him angry is that Grace used her power to make men do things without consent. They both lived secluded from everyone and had their consent taken away from them (because they couldn't do what they wanted to do), so I believe that Jesse is even more upset because Grace resorted to manipulation, just like her mother. The victim turned into a perpetrator to survive. I think that this is when he realizes that Tatiana's power and abuse over Grace was massive compared to how she treated Jesse, and he needed to process that. And it also reflects on how Grace behaves with others - she doesn't know how to behave. She has social anxiety. Even though she's a trauma victim, she doesn't need to be treated with gloves, because in my opinion, some people don't actively want to be helped recover from their trauma if they find others pitying them etc. She needs help, yes. But she also needs to touch the reality of what she did, and not be pitied or justified for what happened to her. It's not good for their journey to recover and to be forgiven by the ones they've wronged.

I hope I don't sound harsh myself, but I'm talking from experience. My younger sis had a similar experience to Grace's. When her trauma happened, and I learned about it, I tried to be there for her and give her what she needed, thinking it was the best in order for her to get better. But it didn't work. On the other hand, coddling her made her worse. So my father and I started being blunt in telling her things, and I'm not saying she's better, but we've noticed that being "harsh", trying to make her see the reality of things, improved her mental state more. All of this to say that imo, Jesse reaction was completely normal, and he knew he couldn't have answered otherwise or Grace wouldn't have had the will to react and try to change for the better. Grace needed to hear that, even though she already knew and willed to change to have a better life for herself, now that she is free. Everyone but Kit had the same reaction, but Kit is built differently from others, and we knew that. :( It didn't mean Jesse or the others wouldn't forgive her, even though Grace acts like she's already resigned to being cast aside. When Grace runs to the Institute, in fact, not only Jesse goes to her and tries to protect her, Lucie and Cordelia also do that.

[destinyc1020]

having been on twitter myself and very recently left it, i would for sure agree that there's more timmy fans who come for tom, it escalated like mad over the past couple years. of course there's good timmy stans because i am friends with some of them, but it's so so strange how i think that among their fandom some have really made dunking on tom normal and acceptable. the proof of this can be seen when there's a hate tweet for tom made by a timmy stan, there are lots of likes on it from people within the timmy fandom. but on the flip side, when there's a rare tom fan hating on timmy, the tweet has less likes and more quote retweets calling them out or arguing in the comments. at least for toms fandom that seems to signal a less toxic fandom, i get the sense that most of the stans don't really care about the drama and just want to keep on vibing. i don't know what it is that those types of people who get so mean are big fans of timmy, it's certainly not a reflection on him since he's never encouraged that behavior. you're right destiny when you say he'd cringe if he knew what some of his fans say.

i don't know why timmy's fandom is like that, they shouldn't really be feeing insecure, but there's just a sect of his fans that really delight n dragging others down. it's really weird to me, i'm not sure if more of them are younger or cliqueish and that leads to the behavior or what. i'm glad that there's a really open discussion on this page about it bc it's one of the reasons i left twitter i was so done with the constant negativity on tom and also z from the normie dudebro side of twitter. there's a really nice supportive community on there for tz stans, but unfortunately it's just not the greatest for someone sensitive like me. something i've noticed, though, it is hard to stay away from twitter now!! i feel like i got so used to checking it that i almost have an 'itch' now that i'm off my account and deleted the app off my phone. i don't really want to call it an addiction but it feels pretty similar to it, i think the sense i'm getting from a lot of your anons is that people upset by twitter have got to step away from it. if you feel a compulsion to check it like i did, that's a big red flag that it would be a good idea to step away. another thing im glad of is tom speaking up about taking social media breaks. i truly cant imagine what it would be like to read such negative things about yourself or a loved one, so im glad he has the self awareness to step away. this is the longest anon message i've ever written but i love the thoughts you have on this kind of thing destiny, its good to see some honest talk about how fandoms can effect us. fandoms should be for fun so if yall arent having fun for sure reassess!

Thanks for your input Anon 😊

I honestly don't know much about Timmy's fandom tbh, so I can't really speak much on it, but just based on what some of you have said, it just seems to be a huge sense of insecurity on their end? 🤷🏾‍♀️

I mean, if you're solidly sure of your fave, and you think he's the best (or whatever), you won't feel the need to bring down OTHER actors. I keep saying this.

The fact that SOME (notice I said some) of his fans seem to need to put down Tom all the time just gives me the impression that they must view Tom as some kind of a threat. If they didn't, they wouldn't be behaving that way imo.🤷🏾‍♀️

That's my psychoanalysis for the day lol.

Re: Twitter...

Yea, if you're finding it difficult to quit ANYTHING, then technically it is an addiction.... whether you realize it or not. 👀 If you feel anxious or uneasy when you leave social media or delete the app after a few days, then yea, you're addicted lol 😆

You should be able to leave social media alone and feel completely FINE, and not feel like you're "missing out" on anything. You really should be able to live your life without being "plugged in" all the time. 👀

Jmho 🤷🏾‍♀️

I most definitely urge fans to just delete the app and take at least a week off and see how you feel! 🙏🏾 The great thing about this is that the longer you stay away from smthg, the less and less you will feel the urge to be on it.

[why-even-ask]

okay i'm getting personal because it's been on my fucking mind for a while and thank you bioshock i guess.

summary: i love-hate andrew ryan and frank fontaine very much and i have my reasons

aaand of coure, tw domestic abuse, childhood trauma whatever. and alcohol and blood. and bioshock spoilers

yes i love-hate ryan and fontaine

I'd break their noses and try to ruin their lives but also drink with them and chat with them and spend time with them. okay so i played this fucking game (bioshock 1) and i loved it, yeah the twists were fucked up and all but i always had this weird attachment to fontaine and ryan despite also hating them, and then it fucking hit me in the guts one morning

man, my life has been a lie, my childhood has been very fucked up in terms of parental stuff but the fucking trauma bonding does tricks. it took me 18 fucking years to understand that not everyone's parents endanger their children's lives and do horrible shit. it was "first scold him and then ask him if he's dying or not" in medical emergencies, and outright denying possible emergency medical care. i thought my life has been perfect in their hands but apparently false memories. blurry memories coming up to the surface and fucking me up.

i vividly remember the times when her voice went from a soft one to death threats and back like Atlas to Fontaine. I ran from their rage and danger to their shelter. They were all I could ask for and all I was trying to run away from. I had no one else, only one friend who was also abused. We thought it was okay. We thought they were the best parents we could ever have.

and i probably should have learnt after all the life-threatening situations, right? bleeding over the floor daily but being refused care, public shaming after a minor disagreement, all that stuff? i should have learnt that i shouldn't trust them or maybe even not talk to them since I've moved out, but nope. i have even legally applied to get my father's name added to mine. stupid fucking move maybe but I LOVE HIM. I ADORE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. yes i am also extremely disgusted and sometimes i want to punch him and his eyes scare me and he could get us all killed multiple times but I LOVE HIM.

I understood it all after playing bioshock. jack did kill fontaine, yeah, but i wouldn't be able to. once fontaine said "you were the closest thing i had to a son" or whatever, i would drop everything and go hug him. i would forgive him. hell, there would be nothing to forgive anyway. i think he'd love me. you can understand how fucked up it sounds but it sounds completely normal to me. i feel like this, i really do.

I find myself calling my parents all the time, hearing their praises makes me feel so fucking good. i would even take a stab to make my parents praise me because i am fucking conditioned to do so. i always wanted them to care, not be mad, i wanted them to smile and say that they were proud of me. it makes me feel whole, makes me feel so fucking happy when they love me. especially with one of them, i would love to drink and fight and break noses and drink and hug and hear praises.

i want him to LOVE ME. i want him to tell me that I am doing well!!!! I want him to see me as his fucking HEIR! I want him to consider my existence! I want him to think about ME and not other people's children!!!!!!!! I want him to set my name in contacts as something other than my full legal name with my surname in all caps!!! He tells me that i wrote my paper well and then i become the proudest, he tells me that it's not as good and then i want to break some noses!!!! it's not fucking enough!!!!!!! i should be the best in his eyes!!!!

i cant imagine a life where im "standing on my two feet" because i wont be able to handle that. i am not able to be "independent", and i don't even want to. yeah jack built himself a life but you know what? i would beg at the feet of ryan and fontaine to consider my existence.

holy fuck now reading it all like this, it sounds horrible. but it's a glimpse of trauma bonding with parents i guess. i should write that shit as a story to explore it or something, i don't know. i wish there was an ending to bioshock where we could save fontaine and he could say lovely words or something. i think im fucked up beyond repair at this point.

[brokendarkfairyempressforever]

Tests scores and grades define me and I want to cry

Do you know how messed up this is

I had a teacher who didn't prepare us well

I didn't know how to study for it

So much home life crap

So much mental health illnesses that I can't get help

One god awful morning of AP bio test day

And I didn't get a good score on it

I had to deal with so much life stuff that no one else in a million years would ever live through and I had so much trouble staying alive let alone passing my classes

B+ at the end of the year it's fine

But it means nothing

Cause it doesn't count

I have to take the test again or take the course in college

Well guess what?

I was so fucking excited for AP bio I love bio I couldn't wait to learn

And I thought I was gonna have a therapist I thought I'm finally gonna get help it's gonna be okay, hard, but okay

BUT GUESS WHAT

I'M NOT PRIORITY

WHO FUCKING CARES THAT MY MENTAL HEALTH IS IN SHAMBLES

IM DYING EVERYDAY

YET NO ONE GETS IT

LIVE IN MY HEAD ONE DAY AND YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE

YET I CAN'T SHOW MY TRUE WORTH SO EVERYONE THINKS I'M DUMB WHO WHO CAN'T DO ANY OF THE WORK EVEN THOUGH I'M TRYING BUT I CAN'T I CAN DO IT BUT SOMETHING IS HOLDING ME BACK AND THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTOOD WAS MY LATIN AND HISTORY TEACHER WHO HELPED ME AND GAVE ME ENCOURAGEMENT AND I WAS ABLE TO SHOW MY TRUE WORTH. MY CHEM TEACHER HELPED ME IN OTHER WAYS THAT I'M STILL GOOD ENOUGH HE HELPED ME LEARN THE MEANING OF FUN, HE HELPED ME BE A KID AGAIN. AND I WISHED I JUST ASKED HIM FOR HELP INSTEAD OF BEING SCARED OF EVERYTHING

IF I WAS FUCKING NORMAL I COULD OF GOTTEN GRADES I DESERVED. THAT I'M GOOD ENOUGH

WHY CAN'T I JUST SHOVE IT AWAY LIKE I USE TO. NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME I'M FINE NOTHING HAPPENED SO I SHOULD BE NORMAL I CAN DEAL WITH THAT CRAP WHEN I'M 40

NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME ANYWAY THEY HAD IT WORSE

WHY AM SO SAD, SCARED, ANGRY, ANXIOUS, EXHAUSTED, BURNED OUT NUMB, NOT KNOWING HOW TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE, NOT KNOWING HOW TO CONTROL MY THOUGHTS, NOT KNOWING HOW TO CONTROL MY FACE RIGHT, NOT KNOW HOW TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT I'M SO DUMB AND USELESS AND WORTHLESS I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT EVERY DAM DAY I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF

I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT HERE

EVERYONE GETS MAD AT ME

EVERYONE COMPLAINS TO ME

EVERYONE VENTS TO ME

EVERYONE GETS SAD AT ME

I STRESS EVERYONE OUT

I TAKE EVERYONE'S STRESS

AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING

AND EVERYONE SUFFERS

IM AN IDIOT

I'M WORTHLESS

I'M USELESS

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE IT HERE