#but i brought it up with her this week and she gave me a referral to some places.

[rigaudon]

I am holding myself together by a fucking thread and I just want it to break so i can get a break.

[pbandjesse]

I am tired. It was a long and rainy day. But not a bad one.

I didn't sleep amazing. I had some very active dreams. It was like being in a video game and a lot of happening. When I woke up I didn't feel great. But we had a lot to do today.

I got dressed. Wore my layers then I had planned. I didn't realize it was going to be so rainy and wet. But I was fine. I couldn't find my boots? So I wore moccasins which I would never normally do in the rain but it was fine. We didn't have far to go.

James made me a half a peanut butter and jelly for breakfast. And I drank as much as I could. Water and milk. But I felt very bad this morning. A mixture of anxiety and nausea and just general upset. It was not an ideal way to start the day.

James drove us to my appointment. This was the Doppler only appointment and I was a little frustrated. I want to see baby. I want to know they are okay!

When we got there the office was dark? I checked and my appointment was at 8:50. And we got there at 8:30. And the office opened at 8. But then a nurse saw us and came and let us in. They just didnt turn the lights on because we were the first appointment.

We wouldn't have to wait long. And I got taken back first.

I did not feel good. Which made it easier to tell them what was wrong. My stomach issues. My nausea. My swollen parts. The pains u see my ribs. It's so hard to know what is normal pregnancy stuff and what is unusual or worrisome.

They brought James back to the room. And soon the doctor was there. And she was super sweet. She made me feel a lot better. She gave me a new prescription for zofran. And some suggestions for over the counter things. And a referral to a GI doctor. And then we got to hear baby.

It took a second to find her heartbeat. But when she found her it sounded strong. And then it went bloop because she was moving around and flipped. The doctor said that she's moving good and she pressed in my belly and said everything feels normal. And it helped make my anxiety feel better. Like it's still there. It seems to just be a condition of being a pregnant person. But still. It made me feel better to hear them. Even if I would have preferred to see them.

The doctor said I should start to feel her in the next month. Which is crazy. I wonder what that's going to be like. I've heard the begining called a flutter. And then it's like being kicked from the inside which sounds unpleasant. But it's still exciting to think about.

I got some blood taken. They gave me a flu shot. I felt pretty sick still but I was trying to remain positive.

We made the next appointment. And James paid our funny $3 balance. And then we were off. Back into the rain.

James would drive us home. And told me that they were hoping it was the last gross biking day for a bit. And when we got home I would lay down for a bit. James gave me a kiss and left.

I had planned on laying there until 1030. But then I decided I really really wanted McDonald's for breakfast. So I got myself together. Still couldn't find my boots. They ended up being in the car. I must have left them when I got back from the beach. I changed into them and headed to McDonald's.

I used the app. First time doing that. Was able to get two sandwiches so I would have one now and one later for lunch. This was a good move.

The drive into camp wasn't amazing because of the rain but it wasn't horrible either. I would stop at the post office to pick up a package I forgot about last week. I was worried they might have sent it back but thankfully it was still there.

I got to camp at 11. And Joe caught me as soon as I got out of my car. And asked me to come to the tool shed to see if I could use this box he found. But then he also showed me the kitten he found!

Slightly spicy and obviously terrified. I saw with them for a minute cooing but soon we would leave him be and went back to the office.

It was nice to see everyone. I got right to work printing some stuff off for my workshop tomorrow evening and started doing a little research and answering some emails. But there wasn't much for me to do until 130.

I asked Joe if the tool shed was unlocked. And if I could go hang out with the kitty. So that is exactly what I did.

Poor kitty was so freaked out. I tried just picking him up. No biting but a lot of scratching and hissing. Didn't hurt me but I put him back and tried a different approach.

I put some more towels in his cage and covered most of the top of the cage with another towel to give him the illusion of safety. And it took about a half hour of slowly moving my hands in and talking to him. And eventually I got him to let me pet him and scratch his ears and he eventually let me hold him for a second. But as soon as he got scared I put him back in and gave him a second. But eventually he let me hold him and clean his dirty eyes and nose. I realized he had a bobbed tail!! Big eyes, little ears, dirty nose, half a tail. He's the whole package. I'm calling him Bobbi. Not sure if he's a boy or girl yet but we need to find this little guy a home.

Me and James have the word out. And Meril may have a place through a friend. But nothing is guaranteed yet. Still working on it.

At 1 me and Sarah would go get ready for programs. I originally was going to help with the horses but instead I helped her with critter talks. They would first send me to go find some toads but I wouldn't have any luck. I didn't want to show up empty handed so I collected some slugs.

I also saw so many good mushrooms. Which was very exciting for me. I didn't even photograph all of them!!

When I got to the nature building I put my slugs in the tank with the newts that Sarah caught. And we brought Rosie the snake, Sampson the box turtle, and Nellie the terrapin over to the lodge.

This group is adults. It's a retreat and they are always really nice. This is their 7th year I think doing this program. We did it a little more freeform. Having the animals on the tables and talking to the adults as they came up. There was lots of questions about the difference between turtles and tortoises and terrapins. Lots of pictures and holding the animals. We couldn't let anyone hold Rosie because she was going to start shedding soon and that can make her to stressed. So she was just climbing all over Sarah. In and out of her sweatshirt pocket. It was very cute.

And the adults were great. We had some lovely conversations and it was cool getting them to pet things they were a little scared of. It was really fun.

I misunderstood the schedule and we ended earlier then we were supposed to but no one seemed upset with us. I didn't realize until the very end of the day when I was talking to Elizabeth. Oops. But me and Sarah were pretty sure the animals were tired and so we got then back to their enclosures. I noticed that Sampson's tank did not have enough substrate and so I would dump a bunch of coconut fiber in and he immediately looked happier. It's not the most ideal substrate but it's fine for now. I would let the office know we needed more.

I would take the long root back. Taking pictures of the huge area of chicken of the woods mushrooms and some of the others along the way. The rain was picking up again when I got back to the office but it wouldn't last to long.

The last hour I was there I was just chilling. Doing a little research on some things. Had the rest of my snack. And then after checking in with Heather and Elizabeth about the plan tomorrow (I'm going to lead a painting project) I went home.

Traffic was pretty bad once I got down to the city. But I would get home around 430. I was starting to not feeling great but I held it together.

I opened the backdoor for Sweetp to run around. Checked on Crabcake. Put some stuff away. Put a frozen pizza in the oven. And the. James was home. I was very happy to see them.

They would jump into a few small things while I worked on collecting the materials for my workshop tomorrow. And ate the entire frozen pizza be ayse James didn't want any and I felt a bit like a black hole. And after that I would come upstairs to work on moving things around in the baby room. Which is coming together really nice. I have some ideas for the walls next. There is still some figuring out to do but it's a start.

James went to record their podcast after bringing me some apple cider and moving a chair to the basement for me. And after I got to the end of my energy I would get some water and lay down to watch TikToks for a bit.

Eventually I took a shower and washed my hair and thought about how we can better utilize storage in the bathroom. I want to do a reset on a lot of our storage stuff because it's all kind of a mess right now. I am hoping that I can do some of that on Thursday when I'm home for the backdoor install but we'll see how that day pans out.

Now I am in bed. Waiting for James to be done with their friends. And then I am hoping for sleep. Tomorrow I have the painting program at camp, followed by my evening workshop which is a sewing program. I am looking forward to it. I already have 8 people coming! I just hope that I feel well.

I hope you all have a great night. Love you all. Until tomorrow!

[wishful-seeker]

Guuuys i finally see a CRPS doctor this week!

Tw: brief mention of wishing self harm, and mention of medical abuse.

So for 4 years ive had undiagnosed chronic pain, its severe, ive been bed/house bound for 2 years and need a wheelchair when i leave the house.

I talk alot about my experience with being disabled, but i usually don't talk about my actual symptoms often.

I can't use a computer 90% of the time, on good days, which is now twice a week, but used to be never, i can play pc games in 20 minute increments, twice a day. I can't wash dishes, i cant walk without pain, i can't sit in chairs without pain. Im stuck laying in bed, all day, everyday. I usually can't make art, sometimes i can. Im just in bed, on my phone, in constant pain. Its a VERY difficult existence and i have often wished i didn't have limbs because the pain can be so intense.

So ive gone to countless doctors, rheumatologists, a pain specialist, an orthopedic, a neurologist. The reason im always saying stuff like "doctors are scum" is because every single doctor ive ever met has minimized this pain, lied to me and told me they'd do everything they can and didn't, and purposefully wasted my time. I even traveled to a different state to see rheumatologists, they saw me twice, i literally cried and begged these people to give me medicine for the pain, they gave me a shot that they said would help for 2 weeks, it helped for 30 minutes, when i asked them what to do they ignored me. They diagnosed me with fibro specifically so they could get me to leave them alone. I knew that diagnosis was incorrect. Last doctor i saw was a neurologist, i told her i needed to be tested for CRPS, because that was the only lead we had left. She scheduled a brain mri and nerve damage test, they came back normal. I brought up that there is no test for CRPS, she said i was right, and i could definitely have it, but she said she can't diagnose it and i need to see a pain doctor. I told her first time i saw her what i was looking for, and she mislead me into thinking she had experience with crps, and wasted my valuable time and money with tests that were irrelevant. My pain doctor wasn't an option because he doesn't treat crps because he doesn't believe it exists.

So i was lost

Every doctor i knew actively worked against me and none of them could refer me to a CRPS specialist.

But last week i simply googled "crps doctor near me", i found one close by, called them, they didn't require a referral, and the appointment was scheduled a week later. No 2 months wait time, no bullshit doctors approval. Just a phone call away. Im seeing them in 3 days. Wish me luck!

To others out there struggling to get diagnosed, im rooting for you.

[takoichigo]

I fucking hate this.

When I was in the hospital, I asked for help with my mental health. In May. On discharge, they gave me a list of every single provider in a 50 mile radius and a sheet of paper that said "referral to mental health" on it and that was it.

The cancer center has a social worker who reached out to me, and she said she'd help me find someone. She found two places, and I picked the one with female therapists. She said they'd give me a call the first week of June to schedule an appointment.

Nobody ever called me.

I went back and forth with the social worker a few more times. The cancer center has a therapist on staff, so I went to see her a couple of times, but we didn't click at all and she was not helpful. She mostly just made me uncomfortable. The social worker said she'd keep trying to find someone for me.

I finally got an appointment with a place last week, on Monday. They upset me immediately because I had no idea how high the copay was (literally more than a hospital visit) and the receptionist and billing folks were both pretty nasty with me. I still haven't gotten paid and I had $7 to my name. They made me agree to pay them this week once I got paid, but I looked and I'm still not getting paid this week. I have an email in to HR about what the fuck is happening there, because I was supposed to have short term disability kick in on July 1st and I still haven't seen anything from it, but of course they haven't replied to it.

Anyway I did see a therapist last Monday, but all we did was fill out paperwork and she asked me about whether I wanted to kill myself and what triggered that. She was surprised they hadn't done a screening on me first, so when I went to leave she brought them paperwork to set that up and said I'd likely hear from them by the end of the week. I had another appointment that was scheduled for today, for the purposes of discussing medications I am currently taking. I never heard from them last week.

This morning they called me to remind me of my appointment today, and I asked about the screening. They tried to say I'd done it last week, and when I said no, I hadn't, they said they'd have to check into it and call me back, but if I hadn't done the screening there was no reason for me to come in today.

They did not call me back. I had to pull many strings to get rides to and from my appointments this week, so I called them back myself after waiting as long as I could. They told me not to come in, and said they'd call me back to schedule the screening. So I canceled my rides.

Half an hour later a different person calls me to let me know my appointment is canceled for today (thanks! I know!) and they want to schedule my screening. They ask when I'm free and I say basically whenever, but not tomorrow. She pauses and says "oh! I had a cancellation for today at 2! Can you come in for that?"

...that's when my appointment was supposed to have been to begin with.

I was kind of rude about saying no, I would not be coming there today. Now I have to wait till next Tuesday. For a screening. So they can schedule another appointment about the medications I'm on. So they can figure out how to actually get me into mental health care. And by that point I'll have spent over $350 on copays. That I don't have.

If it hadn't been so hard to get into a place, ANY place, I'd have walked out the door last week when they were nasty to me and said to hell with this place. I'm gonna try to talk to the social worker again tomorrow, I guess.

I'm so angry and fed up at this point. It's like every fucking thing I've had to deal with has been an absolute failure. I'm half tempted to just go to the hospital and scream at people until someone agrees to see me about my fucking brain. Because it can't take any more of this.

[lastoneout]

Ngl I think I am truly about to hit my fucking limit and idk what to do about it anymore.

Ever since my nerve block wore off my migraines have been worse than they've ever been before in my entire life, like I'm literally having one every single day, and I now have severe neck pain on top of it which is also constant, and legit none of my doctors give a single solitary shit.

I tried to bring this up with my pain clinic and the guy just said it was good that the nerve block helped for a month or so, and that my current issues were just muscle pain and I need to go to PT about it, and I can't get in with a new pain clinic bcs my primary never gave me the referral she said she would and no matter how many times I call the clinic and leave messages about it no one ever calls me back.

My neurologist just seems confused that I'm still having migraines despite being on like 6 medications that are supposed to help manage them and she says it in a way that really makes me feel like she thinks it's somehow my fault, and when I brought up the neck pain she just told me to take ibuprofen even though I've told her repeatedly that it doesn't help, and she also said I should do the nerve block again even though it put me in the ER and made everything worse in the long run. Plus I'm pretty sure she'd just prescribe another steroid taper pack and once again ignore me when I say I'm really sensitive to them and they make me feel like shit and the last one didn't help.

I can't take my rescue meds more than 4 times in 30 days and I've already taken it more than that bcs I was desperate. The steroid taper pack helped for like a week before everything came back just as bad as before. I can't take my fioricet because it messes with my birth control and I had sex less than 5 days ago. I can't take the oxycodone they gave me in the ER bcs it makes my migraines "bounce back" worse once it wears off. Ibuprofen still isn't helping.

Do I call my neurologist? Idk what she's going to do, she doesn't seem to give a shit, and there's a solid chance the on call doctor just refuses to speak to me, and my referral to a new neurologist just got turned down bcs apparently the new clinic "doesn't have anyone who can see me for my problems". My pain clinic also doesn't give a shit and frankly I don't even want to be a patient there anymore since the doctor has just made everything worse. Do I go to the ER? I've been there dozens of times over the last couple of months and they can usually make the pain ago away for a day before I'm right back where I started, and they usually just give me fioricet which again, I do not want to risk pregnancy. Urgent care? They can't do anything to help either.

I'm in pain all the time and nothing is helping and none of my doctors care and I just want everything to fucking stop. I feel so abandoned. Like I'm worthless or broken bcs why else would I be treated this way? Why else would all of my doctors ignore me or reject me or regard me with contempt. Being nice doesn't work. Being confident and blunt makes them angry and thus less likely to help me. Breaking down sobbing in their office doesn't do shit.

I'm so fucking done. I just want this to stop. I'm so tired of being strong and fighting and getting nowhere. Fighting is just making it worse. No one who can help cares. I just want to lay down in my bed and wither away, I guess I deserve it for having the audacity to want better. I can't take this anymore, I really can't. But I don't have options. I just get to suffer.

Like the only way I know to make it clear to people that I'm basically at rock bottom is to admit that I've reached the point where I no longer want to be alive and I absolutely know that saying that to a doctor will lead to more problems than solutions. And like, I'm not going to hurt myself, but I've def hit the "life is not worth living" stage and a migraine has to be pretty fucking bad for me to get there.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[thevoidofstars]

Even MORE rambling under the cut. TW for denial talk and more therapy bullshittery

I'll be so real, my previous therapist's refusal to talk diagnoses except for a "maybe" is why I go into denial so often.

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to be a baby about this. I understand why a therapist might not want to diagnose. But I expect that to be communicated with me. I'm also pretty sure I never came across as diagnosis seeking, so she had no reason to not at least discuss possible diagnoses with me. I am mostly upset there are zero notes about what we were working on in my chart, so my new therapist only has my word to go on. Anyway.

But yeah I'm not even mad that she didn't want to diagnose DID/OSDD. That's a big deal. What I AM upset about is her never giving us at least a UDD diagnosis temporarily. I'm upset because she never tried to refer me to someone more suited to my needs. It made me feel like she never truly believed me about the dissociative and ptsd symptoms. Because the most she did when I was at my lowest was schedule me more frequently. I had to ask for a referral when really she should have mentioned it sooner. She never knew what to say after a certain point in relation to my dissociative symptoms and many flashbacks. She would ALWAYS redirect the conversation to my career or less pressing things. And she only gave maybe one grounding technique and insisted I needed to be more consistent with it even after saying it was only working for certain alters and did not help the collective me.

I don't need a professional diagnosis but damn medical recognition after two years of therapy would have done wonders for my denial. At least make me feel like I was listened to, if nothing else. But NO it was always about the career and other adult life shit I was handling. I literally told her that I was having flashbacks at work and it was making it, you know, HARD TO WORK. And she used that as an opportunity to talk about career AGAIN. Or it would be about my anxiety. The anxiety that was managed through meds and coping skills. But since GAD was on my chart she brought it into every conversation, wasting the precious 30 minute phone call I had with her every two weeks.

Therapy just often felt like I was talking into a void. I had more insights talking to my partner than with my therapist. She was good with my psychosis, had some initially helpful things to say about parts work, then when I started getting flashbacks and more dissociative symptoms due to dredging up the past she didn't know what to say anymore. She could only bring up work

Anyway I'm mad send post

Not diagnosed, not medically recognized, but a secret third thing

[thinfatfit]

tw suicide

ok i’m really upset....... i was fired from my family dr today. 

first of all i haven’t been feeling well recently because i haven’t been able to take my normal dose of wellbutrin since there’s a supplier shortage. 

also my dr appointment started with my family dr telling me that a program she referred me to called her and told her that they tried to contact me but didn’t hear back from me so they cancelled the referral. i said yes that’s true because they called from an unknown number and the referral was from a year ago so i didn’t expect any calls and didn’t check my voicemails, then when i did and saw it was them and called them back they said it was too late and they already cancelled it but if she re-does the referral then it’s fine. and she said no the referral was a lot of work and she’s not going to resubmit it since this was already her second time doing it (the first time it was rejected was not my fault though - they didn’t even contact me, they just rejected it outright because i had been recently hospitalized). 

and then the main thing: 2.5 years ago when my mom died i asked for accommodations at work so that i could work from home one day per week since i barely had any vacation days and i was really depressed and had no energy & also had a million things to do to handle the estate. i needed a dr’s note and my family dr was really hesitant to give me one. she gave me one for 6 weeks and then REALLY REALLY REALLY did not want to renew it and i had to BEG her and say that i was in therapy and going to a grief support group and doing all these things to try to get better and she agreed to renew it for 3 weeks only and i had to BEG for that. ideally i would’ve taken months off because i was literally suicidal but all i could do was this one day a week work from home since it was right after law school and it was a licensing thing bla bla bla. anyways since then i’ve been really angry about that because i REALLY needed the accommodations and i was really clear about how much i needed them and it wasn’t ok how she treated me. i’ve brought this up to her before and she has apologized but in a roundabout way, like “that wasn’t my intention” and “i was doing what i thought was best”. fast forward to today and she told me she was taking a leave for a few months because she was feeling burnt out from the pandemic. i was VERY triggered. i told her she’s lucky that she doesn’t need to get an accommodations letter since those can be hard to get. and she defended herself and i said that i hate her and she said that she can’t be my dr if i hate her and i said i do and basically that was that. 

i feel really worried about not having a dr anymore (i take a lot of meds) and also kind of bad? i dont know. and also upset idk.

[atlafan]

Oh please tell us more about the breast reduction it’s something I’ve been contemplating for a long time as well

so it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, but I never brought it up to my doctor because doctors have a history of not believing women, but my PCP has been amazing to me so I have no idea why I was scared to tell her lmao

she said it was a great idea and gave me a referral right away. Then I set up an appointment for the consult, and the doctor was like yeah your boobs are too big for your body. Certain insurance companies only cover breast reduction if the doctor is taking out a specific amount of fat/tissue. He’s making my boobs like half the size they are now, so I qualified for full covered. I think I have a $1000 deductible so I think I just have to pay up to that $1000, and then insurance covers the rest. They needed more info, and the doctor gave them everything so it was approved. The doctor also took pictures of my breasts and the rash that I have underneath to show the insurance company. It was a much simpler process than I thought it would be?? And I’m getting it done way sooner than I thought too. Like end of September I’m so excited!

It’s about a six week recovery, 3 weeks without working/working out/lifting/etc. luckily he’s able to do the anchor method and doesn’t have to fully remove my nipples so the process should hopefully go smoothly. It’s only like a 2 hour surgery and then they give you time to wake up and whatnot. I’m excited because I’m hoping once my boobs are smaller I’ll be able to lose weight in other areas a little easier.

The doctor also said he was really glad I was doing it now instead of waiting years down the line. He said he wished more women my age would do it because the relief is so good. People try to scare you about them getting bigger or breastfeeding and stuff. And like I do plan to have kids, and he even said with it without the surgery, there’s always a possibility you won’t be able to make milk, and I was like yeah exactly and formula exists for a reason. I laughed because before I took my shirt off he was like, “remember breasts are sisters not twins”, and then he was like, “your breasts are the exact same size” and I was like YEAH I KNOW lmao

[themockingcrows]

Faint

Chronic invisible illness sucks. Sometimes we stay quiet. Sometimes we cope by giving our favorite characters our condition to get some comfort. This fic is the latter case, wherein Rose Lalonde has Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and deals with everything that brings in order to spread a bit of awareness.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31556225

She’d thought it was normal, till she brought it up to the others. The chest pain, the exhaustion, the dizziness. The sense of running on an internal timer so precise that if she overstepped its bounds it would be time to collapse into the void itself. The darkness at the edges of her vision when she’d been upright too long, when she was stressed, when she was running, dancing.

She’d thought it was normal, that everyone just had more stamina than she did before they had the same symptoms occur.

“That’s not normal. You should maybe see a doctor!” they’d unanimously said. John had been concerned, Dave had been flippant with jokes but the worry was easy to detect, and Jade was forceful with her reasoning.

Rose had finally told her mother something was wrong, to spur a visit to the doctor. It was hard to explain at first, but when her guardian further questioned how she felt, how long she’d felt that way, it had nearly turned into a shouting match.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? What if something is really wrong, Rosie! This isn’t something to just keep quiet!”

If she’d known it was abnormal, perhaps she would have mentioned it sooner. If she’d known. If she’d had a reason, she might have even been able to keep up with ballet instead of having to quit, feigning disinterest when it still made her heart sing. Violin was hard enough to deal with, with her arms raised the entire time. But ballet was just a no go anymore.

To the doctor, then, after a few weeks of edge of seat waiting. The family physician, who they’d known for years. Who didn’t believe her. Not at first, at least.

He’d checked her weight first thing, and finding her normal range, asked about her habits. While he spoke, he checked her joints and how stretchy she was, keeping her moving while talking till she was reeling on her feet before he let her lay down. Stupid old man. Her problem felt like it was in her chest or her head, not her joints! She’d always been plenty bendy, able to pull off poses ahead of her ballet class with minimal effort, the stretches never quite feeling like enough to really pull in her body in a satisfying way.

Head swimming till she lay flat on the exam table, arms crossed over her stomach absently, Rose continued to answer questions.

She was doing okay in school. She was just more tired than usual.

Yes, this had been happening for quite some time.

No, she’d fainted before, but only once. And only because she’d been up too long dancing. She didn’t miss the curious look the doctor gave her mother, the raised brow. He checked her abdomen, he checked her glands, looking for distension or rigidity, looking for clues. Nothing. Nothing that she could see, at least. Nothing that felt any different from normal. He continued to talk, keeping her lying down for a while, and checked her blood pressure while she rested, the pulse oximeter being placed on her opposite finger.

75bpm, 120/80. Everything normal, everything fine. He left the devices in place, however, and then did something strange.

“Could you stand up for me, Rose? Nice and straight, right here by the table.”

There were no questions this time to keep her occupied. Just two sets of eyes staring at her in the small room, watching as she felt the cold sweat start up on her forehead, the shake beginning in her limbs. It was stronger when she stood still, when she couldn’t prowl around. She felt nauseated as the sweat turned to a hot flash and started to soak into the fabric of her shirt, and with it came the panic as she saw the darkness at the corners of her vision.

“Can I sit down please.”

“Not yet, try to hold out a little longer,” the doctor coaxed, inflating the blood pressure cuff once more. She focused on the discomfort on her arm instead of the pounding in her chest and head, the increased breaths. Nausea rose in her throat, bile, bitter, salt from excess saliva.

“Can I sit down. Please,” she said again, not caring that it sounded like begging.

“Nearly there, just a moment longer.”

She didn’t have a moment. She felt her knees quaking, felt the floor rushing up to meet her, but gratefully felt her mother’s hands hurrying to catch her waist and balance her till the doctor finished his data gathering.

80/50. 145bpm.

The monster had a name now. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. There were hopes she’d just grow out of it, but there was a chance it might be long lasting. In her case it seemed to be at least partly linked to how bendy she was, how loose her skin felt, how stretchy it was, how easily she bruised. That, too, had a name. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.

What had been a slow appointment was suddenly moving very fast. Referrals were being made, appointments with different doctors at the big hospital in town, and paperwork was being handed to her mother in a thick stack. Informative pages, recommendations for diet, for exercises, safety precautions, warnings, risks. A whole new world was opening up below her and swallowing her whole, and Rose didn’t know how to feel about it.

One thing was certain, however.

She didn’t plan on telling her friends. Or anyone, for that matter.

It would be her little secret.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“...Is it going to hurt?” was Rose’s only question. She felt very small, much smaller than she’d felt at the clinic with her mother. The room here was bigger and more sterile, with strange looking machinery and electronics. She’d asked the same when she had her first EKG earlier, and had been relieved that the most painful part was having the gummy electrodes pulled back off after the painless test was performed. Something about being in a hospital gown and swinging her legs on a different looking exam table just made her feel even more fragile than the long walk through the building had. At least her mom was there with her.

“No, not at all. It might be a little uncomfortable, or a little cold, but there’s no pain,” promised a technician with a smile. She smiled back a little uncertainly, unconvinced. “All we’re going to do is get some pictures of your heart. I promise, an echocardiogram doesn’t hurt. It’s just a paddle with cold jelly, you’ll hold your breath when I tell you to and stay very still, and we’ll see how things look from different angles.”

“And you’ll tell me if I’m going to die or not.”

“No,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll be telling you if you have any issues with your heart valves or not.”

“Same difference.”

“You underestimate just how much the human body can handle before needing intervention,” he chuckled. “C’mon, legs up on the table and get laid back. I’m sorry for having to keep the shirt open, I know it’s embarrassing. Mom, you can see everything, yes?”

“Yes. Rosie if you need to hold my hand, I ca-”

“I’m fine, Mother. Thank you.”

“Well. If you change your mind, I’m right here.”

“Can you see the screen?” he asked Rose. She nodded, then went very still to watch the technician lift a bottle of gel and squeeze a splurt onto the paddle's end instead. “Right. Sorry this will be chilly, just try to bear with it. And-”

“Stay very still,” Rose finished for him as he opened the front of the gown and pressed the paddle to her chest. She hadn’t been watching the screen at first, but when it lit up with a fluttering white and gray form it was hard to ignore. She knew what it was, of course, though not what the technician was looking for. Seeing your own heart pushing blood around, flaring and calming as it cycled pulses, was kind of amazing. There it was, the only thing keeping her alive, and they were checking to see if any potential defects inside of its valves from the EDS were making her sick.

The procedure was quick enough. A roll here or there, a drop down section of the table for him to do further measurements underneath of her as she lay on her side, and soon enough she was done.

“What’s the verdict, am I dying,” Rose said, voice carefully calm and face deadpan. The papers from the physician had said this was a non-deadly condition, that neither of them would kill her, but the concept of damage to a heart valve of all things being real had brought out the morbid part of her brain.

“There’s a bit of a leak,” he admitted. “But your measurements are just fine and within normal ranges. I wouldn’t be too worried about it, but if you start feeling worse or new symptoms we might recheck within the next few years.”

Rose wiped off the gel with the offered cloth and covered back up while the technician spoke with her mother, the words flowing quick and easy as she asked questions and they discussed the findings. Rose herself stared at the blank screen for a moment before setting her hand over her heart, feeling the pulse, remembering how it had looked.

She was fine then.

All the more reason not to make anyone she knew worry.

She informed her friends that it had been a vitamin issue and that she was going to be just fine before changing the subject, getting swept up in conversations about games and comics and music all over again. Same as ever.

Same as always.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Treatment wasn’t much. Increased water consumption, and a stupid amount of salt. Compression stockings, when that alone wasn’t enough. Rose drank gatorade till she could smell it in her dreams, ate pickles and pretzels till salty foods lost their amusement and her mother had to get creative in the kitchen and with the ordering in catalog. Everything was salt and fluids, compression stockings just tight enough they gave her the will to live back. Thankfully they came in black and she could just pretend they were normal stockings, and for anyone just looking in passing, they would be just another part of her wardrobe.

Yet none of it was enough. The weakness persisted, the fatigue, and through it all that awful, stupid racing heart. If the sound of a beating heart could drive a man mad from beneath floorboards then, surely, the persistent throbbing in her ears and the pain in her chest from her own rushing tempo would be enough to drive her mad. Going to the grocery store made her sweat through her clothes, made her vision blur even as she clung to the cart for balance. More than once, she had to go find a deserted aisle to sit down on the floor in, legs stretched out in front of her, waiting for the worst of it to pass as she debated just how much she might regret laying down flat to hurry it along.

Rose assumed this was just how life was going to be. Stockings, salt, water, constantly living on an internal timer to get things done. Annoying, but not much of a burden. She could imagine living her life like this, one way or another. Others did it every day.

Then had come SBurb.

Fire from the sky and the end of the world, rushing, hurrying, breaking the bottle. She hadn’t been wearing her stockings for the day, but was grateful for the opportunities to sit, few and far between as they were. There was plenty reason for her heart to be beating out of her chest then; plenty of scary, inexplicably stressful things were happening. She had entered the medium with grim determination, and set about the task of destroying imps with a bit of glee.

She had to be quick in dispatching them, there was no alternative. Fainting around these things was unthinkable, and she had plenty of stress to get out with her knitting needles. Rose combined aggression with ballet and her own trained limberness for maneuvers that, in a normal situation, she’d never have reason to use.

It was thrilling.

It was-

Gasping and out of breath, Rose settled on her knees and held her chest after her latest kill, needing time to recover. To rest. It was like she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t open her lungs enough. Like she was drowning on dry land. She gagged, saliva thick and sticky from exertion and, somehow, early dehydration. Slowly, she flopped onto her back and threw her legs up against the wall, feeling the ache and throb as the pooled blood rushed back towards her torso and brain.

Maybe she should get her stockings before continuing, given she had no idea what to expect going forward…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The game up through getting to the meteor had been quite the experience. She’d been able to pace herself somewhat, exerting herself in bouts that she could control better once she’d gotten some thoroughly upgraded weaponry in hand. Now, godtiered and being able to fly, she found she was able to handle being upright longer than usual.

Well.

Mostly.

She still had an affinity for walking normally. Maybe it was because it let her track her internal timer better, a long ingrained pattern she was comfortable with. Maybe it was the fear of falling from height, knowing it wouldn’t kill her but that it would still hurt unless someone caught her. There was also the setback of getting enough fluids and salt.

Gatorade was too much to hope for, but water was doable at least. Salt as a base was also available, but drinking straight salt water would have been anything but subtle.

...Maybe it was time to be honest. Rose was fairly certain that Dave already had an idea something was up, having been around her for some time by then. He always seemed to be watching her carefully, and after a few conversations with Kanaya she’d walked in on, even Kanaya had begun to have a more cautious air in their interactions.

Would that just get worse, if she told everyone?

How would Vriska react to such a thing? Such a weakness? The Seer of Light, waylaid by darkness brought on by standing for too long, she could hear it now. Brought on by sitting upright too long, sometimes. It had progressed in ways that she was frustrated about, spending time reading and trying to figure out how to make compression stockings of the right elasticity out of her god tier outfit in her down time. A dress? Sure! Simple! A garment that would help her out without cutting off all circulation to her legs or being useless? Bit more difficult.

At least Kanaya was content to let her recline whenever she wanted. She never asked, never brought it up. Instead she welcomed the blonde head to her lap, the subtle tug on her hand that meant she was going to slide to sit on the ground against the wall for a time to watch the vast space they were traveling through.

Maybe she would just keep it quiet forever. Or, at least, till after their final battles were done. When there was time to rest, when there were doctors again, Gatorade or something similar, she could get this under control and go back to her plans of dealing with it like she had imagined on Earth. Whatever lay ahead of them could be handled.

She’d keep it quiet. It would be her little secret.

Till she’d fainted in front of everyone, at least.

Another argument had broken out between Karkat and Vriska, Terezi egging on from the side and Dave adding the occasional beatbox for effect much to everyone’s annoyance and amusement in equal measure. Rose and Kanaya were observing and commenting for the most part, following them all up the stairs, but the growing intensity of the clog meant that the foot traffic had come to a stop.

Moments ticked by, then minutes.

Rose felt the shake in her knees, the cold sweat on her brow starting up.

“Dear, are you quite alright? You look pale.”

“I’m fine,” she promised with a smile, looking ahead at the group who took up the stairwell. Surely they’d move any moment. Any time now. Any second. They couldn’t argue forever, not even Karkat and Vriska on a bad day, it would end any time. She just needed to hold on, and then she’d be back upstairs with her book on the sofa, feet up, recovering stealthily yet again.

The argument dragged on, and the pain in her chest started up. Vision blurring, Rose turned her head to glance down the stairs, half turning. Maybe she could go back downstairs and use the restroom or something instead, buy time for them to move while having an excuse on hand so nobody would be suspicious.

“I’m-” she started to say.

Her legs buckled beneath her, and she knew no more.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“See, if you’d just moved your ass instead of backing up into the wall like a cornered meowbeast, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s not like I pushed her! I don’t know who pushed her!”

“Nobody pushed her, she just collapsed, I was right there. We’ve been over this.”

“Well, why did she collapse then!”

“Has she been drinking or something?”

“No, not that I’m aware. She ate earlier, too.”

“Sleeping?”

“Plenty.”

Rose slowly opened her eyes and stared up quietly at the ceiling, the view from the floor at the bottom of the staircase. The argument had a new source now, the squabble more contained than before, but still lively. Kanaya was watching Terezi pull Karkat and Vriska physically apart like she wanted to jump in and do it herself, but she kept her cool hands on Rose’s arm instead, immobilized. Dave had a notebook he was using like a fan over her face, cooling her off, drying the remaining sweat on her brow. He stopped when he realized she was awake, setting it aside and pushing his shades up the bridge of his nose.

She knew that look. Worry. Suspicion. It made her stomach ache a bit with guilt.

“You good now?”

“...Yeah. I fell?”

“Swan dived face first for the concrete, more like.”

Kanaya’s head jerked her direction and she smiled broader, leaning down to hug Rose tight around the shoulders.

“I was so worried! You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No,” she admitted, surprised. “How-”

“I’m quick,” Dave shrugged, glancing to the side. Kanaya pressed a kiss to her cheek before carefully helping her to sit upright. “Hey, yo, shut the fuck up, she’s awake now. Everyone can stop the blame game, new topic after a quick five.”

“Lalonde, what was that about!” Vriska said immediately. “Did you just trip over your own feet?”

“Kanaya said she collapsed,” Terezi sighed. “Not tripped.”

Karkat glowered, but crossed his arms and was quiet for a moment before speaking. “Thanks for not painting the floor with your thinkpan, we’ve got enough problems around here witho- UGH” he grunted, Terezi’s elbow making swift contact with his side, halting his contribution to the subject.

“Are you sick or something?” Terezi asked.

Rose furrowed her brow, looking around at everyone. Looking back to Dave, looking to Kanaya, both of whom briefly exchanged knowing glances. It appeared the jig was up. Now to just let the cat out of the bag properly so it would stop suffocating.

“I fainted,” Rose said.

“No fucking shit,” came Karkat’s helpful response.

“It’s. ...I’ve done it before,” Rose said, trying to measure her words, trying to figure out how to explain quickly not only to Dave but to members of an entirely different species. “On Earth I was sick. I’m still sick.”

“So we just need to get you medicine or something, right?” Dave said.

She shook her head.

“I’m already taking my medicine best I can.”

“Man, if you know how to make meds can you whip up some pepto or somethin’, because I think I’m gonna die if I don’t get hold of some before the next time we eat makeshift Alternian shit,” Dave said. Rose shook her head again.

“Water and salt.”

“What about it?” said Kanaya, rubbing Rose’s upper back when she still looked a bit woozy. Rose accepted the invitation and leaned into her shoulder, hugging her with one arm to give herself a bit more courage.

“That’s the medicine.”

“...I don’t follow.”

Rose groaned and dropped her head against Kanaya’s neck for a moment before sighing and straightening once more.

“I’ve got a condition called POTS.”

“Like-”

“No, not like fucking weed. It’s Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.”

“What the fuck does all that mean? Are you contagious?” Karkat asked, getting another sharp elbow from Terezi, hard enough he slapped at her arm afterwards a few times in annoyance. “Will you knock that the fuck off?!”

“Don’t you think she would’ve mentioned something if she was?”

“SHE’S A FUCKING ALIEN! How do we know if it’s not contagious to US?” he argued, taking a quick step back to avoid yet another elbow coming his direction. Vriska caught him around the neck and scrubbed her knuckles deep against his scalp till he cringed.

“Preeeeeeeetty sure she would’ve said something that important before no- YOW!”

More than a little annoyed, Terezi yanked a section of Vriska’s hair till she released the thrashing Karkat, then quickly slapped a hand Karkat’s direction to keep him at bay.

“What’s it mean,” she said simply.

“It means my body is stupid and my brain doesn’t get enough blood to it when I’m upright. It all goes to my legs and can’t get back up to my head fast enough,” she said. “My heart races very badly and I feel like I’m dying and I get very weak. I get tired. I get sick. And if I’m not careful, I faint.”

“So it wasn’t a vitamin problem,” Dave mumbled. “Fuckin’ knew it.”

Kanaya frowned a bit, lifting a hand up to stroke a section of Rose’s bangs away from her face, to stroke down the side of her cheek with her thumb. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? We could have watched out for you.”

“I didn’t want to hold anyone back,” Rose shrugged. “I thought I could handle it. And I didn’t want-”

“UGH great! Now we’ve got a whole person who’s useless to cope with!” Vriska shouted, rubbing her eyes with one hand.

“That,” Rose said flatly, more than a little annoyed.

“She’s not useless, she’s sick,” Dave said.

“SAME DIFFERENCE! It’s a weakness! A BIG weakness! We’re heading towards a huge fight and we can’t count on you at all now!”

Rose set her jaw. “I can handle myself. I just have to be quick an-”

“You can’t handle yourself, you just fell down the stairs from standing still! What if you collapse during battle, huh? What then? I’m sure as shit not sweeping in to save you, and we need all the god tier powers we can get to be FUNCTIONAL during a fight!” Vriska continued, yanking her hair free from Terezi’s hand to stalk closer, staring down where Rose sat, arms crossed. “What can you do? Ranged attacks while sitting down?”

Releasing Kanaya, Rose stood up quickly, immediately regretting it when her vision swam again. She braced herself and bent her knees before locking them in a wider stance for balance. It was a weak spot. A point of pride was that she’d come this far just fine as it was, and now that the cat was out of the bag her worst fears were coming true.

“Hey, easy, don’t go down again,” Dave said from behind her.

“Shut up, I’m fine!” Rose insisted. “What do you want me say, Vriska! That I promise I won’t collapse? You don’t know what I’m capable of in a fight! You don’t know what options I have on hand! Don’t discredit me just because I have this bullshit to deal with. If I can work around it, so can you. If you can’t then which of us is weaker in the end, me or you?”

It was spoken as a challenge, pure and simple. Tension was thick in the air as they stared each other down, Rose with her hands balled into fists, Vriska with crossed arms. Everyone was waiting for something to give, for the other shoe to drop.

“...Whatever,” Vriska muttered, the first to break position. She turned around and lifted her arms behind her head to stretch as she went up the stairs. “Humans are so fragile and booooooooring! Terezi, come help with dinner, I don’t know what to aim for this time.”

A collective breath was released. Terezi smirked a bit.

“That was pretty good, Lalonde. Normally she’d have kept going, but I think you got her in a corner now.”

“TEREZI, COME ON, I’M HUNGRY!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, keep your rumble spheres tethered!” she shouted, before turning with a laugh like broken glass to run up the stairs after her friend.

Karkat, alone with the trio, watched Terezi run off before looking back towards Rose. She shuddered, then quickly sat back down on the ground and flopped onto her back with a heavy sigh.

“I’m fine!” she was quick to say. “Just. Need to be down for a second. Just a second. Holy shit.”

“What, think you were gonna get into a catfight?” Dave asked, picking up the notebook again to sway over her face a few times just in case it was useful again.

“Yes!”

“Would’ve been funny,” he admitted.

“Would’ve been hilarious if this is what finally got us at each other’s throats,” she said sarcastically.

“How do you feel now that everyone knows what has been wrong?” Kanaya asked, stretching her legs out before scooting closer to Rose’s side and laying back as well. “Relieved?”

“Yes. ...Though. What if she’s right…?”

“First time for everything,” Dave shrugged. “Here, lift your heads up,” he instructed as he dropped the notebook and instead lifted his cape, scooting it in a wad beneath their heads. He settled opposite Rose and stretched out as well, one knee bent up so he could tap his foot occasionally, arms splayed out.

Karkat waited for a moment before Dave patted the open space in the circle, then came closer and flopped down as well, hands on his stomach.

“...So you’re SURE you’re not contagious.”

“Dude, with how often she swaps spit with Kanaya I’m pretty sure you’re safe just breathin’ the same air if she’s unaffected,” Dave pointed out.

“Well, good. ...Sorry for asking earlier,” he muttered. “I just didn’t know what to think! Lalonde being sick out of nowhere is-”

“It was rather obvious, if you watched her closely. Something was wrong even if I didn’t know what,” Kanaya said. Dave nodded as well, making Rose groan and cover her face with her hands.

“How obvious was I?”

“Real obvious,” Dave snorted. “Don’t worry about it. We’ve got your back now, and we’ll have your back durin’ a fight. You know that.”

“I’ll slice anything that comes for you if you go down,” Karkat said helpfully. Given how much work he’d done hoping to be a threshcutioner before,

Kanaya reached for Rose’s hand as it came away from her face and gave it a squeeze. “We all do.”

“Yeah,” Rose sighed. “Yeah. I know. You’re right.”

She had backup now. And a while to think of how to explain everything to the others when they met up with them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It felt like years ago, that final battle. Maybe because it had been years by then. It was kind of hard to keep track sometimes, really. She’d held her own, had backup, and they had all come out on top. They’d made a new world, populated it, let it grow and come back to live amongst everyone. She’d been hopeful that after all that, after all the advancements, there would be progress in her own disorders. Treatment options beyond salt and water, beyond stockings.

The fact there wasn’t, that it was still a chronic illness, that there was no magical cure in a special pill to take even after all of that, felt a bit like a slap in the face. Somehow, despite everything, having that bit of hope crushed had been enough to send her into a depression deep enough that it took months for friends and family to help pull her out of it.

There was no ‘better’. There was just coping. And she had to be okay with that.

She had options at least, thankfully. She could fly to get places faster than walking, even if she was on a harsher timer than before. She could drive. Her home was comfortable and easily accommodated a wheelchair that she could use outside of the home as well, half the time pushing herself along and the other half of the time being pushed by Kanaya when she got too tired. Life was good in many ways, even if there was no miracle to be had.

She was alive, married to the love of her life. She had friends and family surrounding her. She had aspirations for a long future, and hobbies that kept her plenty busy. It was enough for her.

When Kanaya leaned down behind her to kiss the side of her neck, sharp fangs barely there on her skin, Rose pulled the brakes on her chair and reached back to stroke Kanaya’s hair fondly. Her wife sat down beside her on the dock, overlooking the vast lake, and squinted out over the shimmering surface to make out where their friends were. A boat was heading this way and that trailing a water skier behind on a tow line, while two people flew above it keeping an eye on whoever was below kicking up wake behind them.

“Are you sure you didn’t want to participate?” Kanaya asked, amused when the skier went down into the water and was pulled up by the two flying lifeguards. “They said they had an innertube as well. You could sit and be towed.”

“Mmm. I’m fine,” Rose said with a smile. “Maybe next time, I don’t much feel like getting wet today. What about you? It looks plenty safe. Roxy and John wouldn’t let anyone drown.”

“I’d rather be near you,” she shrugged. “Perhaps we can have a turn in the boat instead later. We could take a tour around the lake without getting wet.”

“I love how your mind works,” Rose chuckled. She stretched a bit, then pushed the legs of her chair straight out, propping her legs straight out in front of her with a grateful sigh, pooled blood circulating somewhat easier again.

The skier was, apparently, Karkat. At least that’s what the shouting and cursing indicated as he struggled in the air with the duo holding him up safely. He dropped back into the lake with a splash, only to be carefully fished out again and deposited on the boat. Rose snorted a laugh before giggling at just how silly the situation looked from a distance, knowing she’d hear all about the details of it later from everyone involved. Kanaya looked at her with a soft smile before leaning against the side of the chair, nudging Rose’s leg till she stroked at her head and horns as one would pet a cat.

“I’m so glad to hear that sound…”

“Laughter? I’ve laughed a lot recently, haven’t I?” Rose asked, a little confused.

“Yes. You’ve been in such a good mood lately, compared to before. Every time I hear you laugh or see you smile it’s like sunshine.”

Rose leaned forward to press a kiss between Kanaya’s horns, making her wife hum softly, blissfully.

“You know just what to say to make an already good day better.”

Somehow, Rose felt, every day was just more proof that everything was going to be okay now.

((If you would like to learn more about POTS please visit this website for information!

http://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30))

[prettywordsyouleft]

MonX Hospital | Shownu

Pairing: Son Hyunwoo x reader

Genre: physiotherapist – hospital au / strangers to lovers

Warnings: medical terms, injury and recovery, a water scene, basically you will fall madly in love with Shownu by the end of this >_>

Word count: 4296

Index: Shownu | Wonho | Minhyuk | Kihyun | Hyungwon | Jooheon | Changkyun

You didn’t know why your neighbour was acting over the top like this. Sure, you had taken a nasty fall from your front step four hours ago, tripping on the welcome mat outside your door, of all things, before tumbling off into your garden. You had assured Cassidy then that you were fine and some rest would help. However, she had watched the whole thing, even heard the crack when your ankle had twisted during your accident.

She wasn’t about to let you rest up in bed with just an ice pack and ibuprofen.

However, you had walked into the emergency department and surely that meant nothing was broken, right? There was a little swelling and that was to be expected with a nasty sprain. You had told Cassidy you’d go to your general practitioner in the morning if it was any worse. That would be much better than sitting in the ER department’s waiting room for hours as you had thus far.

“You’ll thank me for this one day,” she told you after your umpteenth sigh and you turned to the woman, shooting her an imploring gaze. She patted your lower arm gently. “You’re too young to be messed up from an injury.”

“You’re not that much older than me, Cass,” you pointed out and she shrugged. “Don’t act like you’re wiser than me over this.”

“Take it from a professional klutz, you’ll ache from morning to night if you don’t get things checked out.”

“It’s probably just a sprained ankle.”

“Do you have a medical degree?” the woman shot back and you slumped into your chair, defeated. Cassidy grinned smugly. “Precisely why you and I are going to wait until some hot doctor comes and-”

“Miss L/N?” an older, balding doctor called from the doors and you gave Cassidy another look.

She helped you up to your feet. “Okay, so he’s not hot but there are always the technicians and other doctors you’ll be seeing today to brighten your mood.”

As you expected, the long hours of waiting around the hospital hadn’t confirmed a break in any of your bones. It wasn’t all good news either. “I’ve done what?”

“You’ve torn a ligament in your ankle called the anterior talofibular ligament. When you rotated your ankle like this,” the doctor picked up a foot model and re-enacted a similar movement as to what you believed had happened before continuing. “It caused the ligament to tear. There’s good and bad news in this. The good is that you came in immediately after the incident occurred so we can begin treatment right away. The bad news is that ligaments vary in recovery rate. Normally they heal within six weeks, and with a solid physiotherapy plan, your motion and strength should return to normal or as best as a normal can be within two to three months. However, as I said, they have a tendency to take their own pace so what we like to see in recovery might not be the actual prognosis time you face.”

“Aren’t you glad I brought you in now?” Cassidy breathed from the chair beside you and you nodded slowly, deciphering all the information given by the doctor. He proceeded in filling in a few pieces of paperwork, one for medication, another for a referral to the hospital physiotherapy clinic, and two more for work and your usual doctor. He then placed your now considerably swollen ankle into a support bandage and issued you some crutches for the next few days.

“It would be best to head up to physiotherapy now and book in an appointment. They get pretty busy by mid-week and so you’ve caught the start of their week well by being injured now,” the doctor mentioned with a wry smile and gestured for the door. “Good luck with your recovery, Y/N.”

“You sure you can hobble up there?” Cassidy asked as you struggled to get a hang of the crutches once out of the orthopaedic department. She smiled gently. “I can dash up and book the appointment if you like.”

“That’d be good and I’ll go fill my prescription while you do that,” you proposed, meeting back up after attending to your different tasks. You frowned at the dazed expression upon your neighbour’s face. “Did it go well?”

“I don’t know if I’ve just sealed your fate or not,” Cassidy breathed out and you cocked your head to the side, waiting for more information. “The therapists up there are something else. And your one, Hyunwoo is his name. I don’t know if you’ll survive your first meeting with him.”

“Of course I will,” you replied, hobbling towards the exit. “Stop dreaming of me meeting someone special within these hospital walls, Cass. I’m coming in for treatment, not anything else.”

You were kind of grateful that Cassidy had work when your appointment in the physiotherapy clinic came around three days later. Because you really didn’t want to hear her tell you, “I told you so”.

Boy, was Hyunwoo something else, indeed.

It wasn’t even just the fact that he was physically attractive. He was too comfortable to be around, joking with you not even five minutes into the first meeting.

“So did you throw out your welcome mat?” he mused, reading over the notes and you chuckled softly.

“Not yet.”

“I figured it might not be as welcomed in front of your home after your nasty fall the other day,” he continued and then looked up at you with a smile. “How’s it been feeling?”

“Pretty sore and stiff,” you admitted and Hyunwoo nodded, ticking a couple of boxes. The initial part of your appointment continued with him asking you questions about your injury and general health and you answering them as best as you can, smiling and laughing along the way. By the end of the questions, you had almost forgotten why you were even here, just enjoying your time with the man.

And then Hyunwoo stood up. “I’m afraid the fun part of today is now over. I have to be a little mean to you now.”

“Mean?”

“I need to examine the amount of movement you have but I promise I’ll end it with a soothing massage afterwards,” he expressed, reaching forward for the crutches you had walked in on and tucked them under his arm. He then held out his other arm. “Here, allow me to help you over to the cubicle we’ll use today.”

Your eyes nearly popped out of your head once attached to his arm for support. It was as strong as it appeared, helping you maintain your balance as you hobbled with him to the space for your treatment.

Hyunwoo was watching you avidly, or at least, how your leg moved, murmuring encouragingly until he had you seated on the bed. He smiled warmly at you. “That was pretty rough, huh?”

“I haven’t walked without the crutches yet.”

“That’s okay, I won’t take them away from you just yet, I promise. But they will be leaving you later next week with all things going well, so let’s help you get to that point, shall we?”

Even though Hyunwoo’s examination hurt, and brought you close to tears twice, he was so gentle and soothing throughout that you remained rather relaxed.

“You okay?” he asked when he was done and you nodded softly, which made him smile yet again. You wondered if you would need any painkillers after this session or if his smiles would continue to remove the pain from your awareness. He patted you on the leg gently and then hopped up. “I’m just going to get the ultrasound machine. Don’t go running off anywhere, will you?”

You laughed at his sentence and once he returned with the machine, Hyunwoo pulled the back of the bed up and helped you sit up before moving to the end of the bed, lifting your leg so he could sit down, placing your ankle on his lap. You were so focused on his actions that you failed to feel the cold squirt of the gel he put on your leg but you did feel the warmth of his hand supporting your leg, and of course the machine, as the wand began to move in slow, circular movements.

“Ohh,” you hummed appreciatively and Hyunwoo chuckled.

“Told you, I’ll make you feel good, Y/N.”

“Well you’re good at it,” you replied mindlessly, your cheeks reddening when you realised what you said. Hyunwoo sheepishly chuckled.

“Good to know my years at school training are paying off.”

“Right, of course,” you agreed awkwardly, fanning the flames licking at your cheeks.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” Hyunwoo mentioned, leaning in towards you a little. He grinned. “It’s the machine doing all the work right now.”

That deflated the tension, both of you laughing together. It beeped three times to let you know it had finished after several more minutes of treatment and Hyunwoo wiped away the excess gel, handing you a sheet with three gentle exercises to try at home and your crutches too.

“I’ll see you on Monday, Y/N.”

“You will.”

“Have a good weekend, and make sure to get rid of the mat until you’re better. I don’t want you hurt any more than you are.”

Did he want you to swoon any harder instead? Nodding in reply, you fare-welled the man before hobbling out of the department, sucking in a deep breath.

You hoped come Monday you would be in better condition to squish down your rising affection for your physiotherapist.

Monday came and went, with much of the same banter and comfortable company from Hyunwoo. As your sessions continued, you grew closer to Hyunwoo. He would ask what you were doing outside of work or plans you had and share tidbits about himself. He was always joking around with you and his touch was just as warm as it had been the first time you met him.

Perhaps he had healing powers within those hands of his. Your leg over the past five weeks had healed a great deal.

“Yes, that’s it Y/N!” Hyunwoo praised as you managed to handle the gym activities today. You were exhausted but felt good to notice the strength returning to your ankle. He gave you a high five that lingered a little before handing you your water bottle. “I’m proud of your recovery so far.”

“Those exercises at home you gave at the last session helped me.”

“Well I’m going to give you a new instruction this time around,” he enthused with a bright smile. “How’s your Thursday looking?”

“Thursday I’m pretty flexible for time, why?”

“I’ll book in the pool.”

“I’m sorry, the what?” you shot back immediately, your eyes rounding as saucers.

Hyunwoo examined your expression for a moment before smiling again. “Are you afraid of water?”

“No,” you replied, your eyes darting away from his torso. Surely he wouldn’t insist on getting in the pool with you, right?

“Good, hydrotherapy is a great form of exercise and strength building-”

“I mean I’m not scared of water but I can’t exactly swim either.”

“That’s fine our pool is designed to be able to reach the floor at all times. It’s not really used for swimming, it’s a series of exercises done in the water to take the weight-bearing aspect out of the equation. I think you could benefit from this. Besides, I’ll be right beside you the whole time. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

This knowledge didn’t ease you any. Not only was Hyunwoo going to see you in a swimsuit, you would potentially be seeing him in his. Your heart began to race with the anxiety building and Hyunwoo noticed, rubbing your shoulders gently. “Hey, have I ever done anything to make our sessions unsafe? I promise you it’ll be fine. Okay?”

“Oh-kay.”

“That’s my girl!” he enthused and nodded happily. “Let’s go book in the appointment now, shall we?”

And despite trying to slow down the clock, Thursday arrived and you were seated in the lobby of the therapy clinic, waiting for Hyunwoo to call you in. Fiddling with the strap to your beach bag you had brought along to carry the extra things you needed for today’s session, you gulped when you heard your name called.

Hyunwoo normally wore a polo shirt and sports track pants so when you noticed his uniform was that of black swimming jammers and an equally form-hugging black sports shirt, you actually needed a moment to find the strength to return to your legs.

Today wasn’t a good idea.

“Shall we go? The pool is all ready,” he called and you nodded faintly, hauling yourself up onto shaky legs. Hyunwoo came to your aid, assuming it was sheer nerves.

Which it was, just not about the actual pool.

Once helped into the room, Hyunwoo walked down the ramp with ease into the water. He looked so natural within the pool and you assumed that some of those toned muscles must come from being a swimmer. He then gestured to you to join him. “There’s a changing room off to the side there but it looks like you have your suit on underneath?”

You blushed at his observation, nodding numbly. “Yeah, I could just take it off here.”

“Allow me to give you the privacy to do so then,” he replied, turning around so you could take off your outer layers.

You had opted for your favourite one-piece suit, deciding anything else would be not very appropriate for today’s session. You were here to exercise, nothing more! And that’s what you told yourself repeatedly as you approached the ramp. Hyunwoo turned then, coming up to meet you half way and took your hand. “Ready?”

“I guess.”

“We’ll start easy with just walking up and down the pool, okay?” Hyunwoo instructed and you nodded, soon feeling comfortable to walk without his guiding hand. He was still at your side just in case you needed him.

You didn’t dare look in his direction.

“Alright, let’s try some stretches,” he announced, coming over to the side of the pool and demonstrating a leg lift. You executed them with relative ease, and the next four exercises also. Hyunwoo then went to get a weird looking hollow dumbbell and returned, laughing at your confusion. “It doesn’t look like much but this bad boy can actually be really hard to push through the water. Have a go.”

You gasped when you pushed it under the water, your gaze snapping back up to his in surprise. “Wow, it’s really heavy now!”

“Clever isn’t it. Try walking up and down whilst pushing it through the water as you walk. It’s going to take a bit more out of you so remember, slow and steady. Ready?”

“Sure!” you replied, heading off down the pool. It was definitely work and when you reached the end you were puffing. Hyunwoo left your side, walking backwards so there was some distance between you. He then encouraged you to return to his side, watching you intently.

You don’t know what came over you then. Walking back to him felt as if you were making your way towards someone you craved. You walked with purpose, pushing the weight through the water with more ease this time. You were determined to get back to his side, your gaze never faltering from his. You gasped softly when he held out his arms as you near him, seemingly as permission for this moment to exist between you both.

And just as you almost reached your goal, you lost your footing somehow, your leg slipping out from beneath you, the weight you were holding tipping you further forward. Before you could save yourself, Hyunwoo was there, fully wrapped around you, holding you flush to his body.

For a moment, all you could hear was each of your heavy breathing from the incident. And then he swallowed, his mouth near your ear. “Are you okay, Y/N?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Sure?”

“Mm.”

“Are you scared?”

“Only of you,” you admitted slowly, despite clinging onto him firmly. Hyunwoo tentatively pulled back so he could look you in the eyes.

“The feeling’s mutual.”

“It is?”

He nodded honestly. “I could get fired for the thoughts I have in my head right now.”

“There’s no security cameras in here, right?”

“No, but why wo-”

Your lips on his cut the sentence short, the tension snapping between you passionately. You hadn’t realised just how long it had been building, how long you had craved a moment like this with Hyunwoo. You had blurred the lines between therapist and patient long before this moment though.

And it wasn’t just you.

Hyunwoo was kissing you back with just as much need, his hunger overwhelming you. Backing you up slowly into the side of the pool, he finally pulled away, reaching to grip onto the bar gently pressing into your back to steady himself.

“That shouldn’t have happened.”

“I know,” you replied dazedly, watching Hyunwoo attempt to rein in his evident desire. You smiled weakly. “We’re coming to the end of my sessions soon, right? So I guess it’s not as if you have to feel-”

It was him cutting you off now with a kiss, groaning into as he caressed your lips. Sliding your hands up his chest, you joined them behind his neck, leaning away from the bar and into him completely.

You knew this was breaking several medical practices, for sure. Yet you couldn’t pull back, wanting to taste more of Hyunwoo the longer his lips were on yours.

Reality called you both back from the heady embrace when his stopwatch beeped to let him know the new hour had arrived. Jerking away from you, Hyunwoo instantly ran a hand through his hair. “Wow uh, we need to wrap up here.”

“You must have other clients to work on,” you mentioned and caught his startled look. Shaking your head and hands you laughed awkwardly. “Not like this, I mean, I hope not but-”

“No, only you. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

You disliked how easily that made your heart leap about with delight to hear. Still, Hyunwoo looked panicked and you could tell he was overthinking the moment the longer he stood in the pool.

Heading towards the ramp, he stopped and then backtracked to your side. “Here, let me help you out.”

“I can hold the bar.”

“Right, you should hold the bar.” You both made it out of the pool and Hyunwoo made a beeline for his towel. “I’ll get you to make an appointment for next week. We’ll give the pool a skip, okay?”

“Of course.”

“See you then,” he said as he walked through the door quickly.

You sat down slowly, looking back at the pool before you. It wasn’t the heated water that had caused your mind to run away with you.

You didn’t quite know how you would face him next time.

Deciding not to cancel your appointment as you had convinced yourself all weekend long to do, you turned up on Monday to the hospital clinic, waiting for Hyunwoo to call you in for your session. Instead, a young woman called out your name and you felt your hopes crash immediately. Had he really avoided you like this?

After asking about Hyunwoo, the woman who introduced herself as Beth shook her head. “Hyunwoo’s off sick. He never gets unwell, so it’s a first. He sounded awful on the phone earlier.”

“Really?” you replied, worry etched within your eyes. “I hope he’s going to be okay.”

“He should be, he’s a healthy guy usually! Anyway, shall we start our session?”

You worried about Hyunwoo for the next two days in between your sessions, hoping that today you would see him back in the clinic.

He was there, though he still looked pale. As soon as he ushered you into a cubicle, you went to reach out to feel his forehead, stopping midway. What were you thinking?! You had told yourself you wouldn’t make him any further awkward in your presence than you had a week ago.

He chuckled weakly. “I’m okay, honest.”

“You look awful.”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me any further than you no doubt were,” he admitted quietly and you merely stared back at him. Hyunwoo sighed and looked at your chart. “This is your last week of physiotherapy here. I still think you need some extra sessions so I’ll give you a leaflet at the end of today’s session with approved private clinics who will take you on as a patient with a surcharge. It’s not too much and you’d only need weekly sessions. But let’s talk about that later.”

“You came in to say goodbye,” you concluded, dropping your head. What did you expect? The other day was a slip up between a professional and his patient. Even you knew the logistics behind it.

“Shall we start on our training today?” Hyunwoo asked, clapping his hands together to try and energise you both. It didn’t work, and by the end of the time together you were equally distracted and quiet.

You didn’t know how to thank him for his time and generosity. Even if you had kissed him and given into your feelings for him, you could still recognise he was great at his profession.

And now, your time with him had come to an end.

“Thank you, Hyunwoo,” you managed to say, looking down at his sneakers, knowing you’d cry if you looked up. “I’m grateful for your help with my injury. I’ll ensure to continue with therapy until it’s back to normal.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“Is our session up?”

“We have five minutes left,” he replied and you nodded, reaching down for your bag.

“I think we can end it here. Thank you again.”

“Y/N, wait!”

You couldn’t stop there; you knew the tears were going to spill down your cheeks any second now. You chided yourself for falling trap to them, watching as they ran down your cheeks through the mirror in the bathroom you darted into after leaving the department. Allowing yourself a few minutes to acknowledge the ache in your chest, you then gathered yourself back up, dabbing away your tear stains and stepped out of the bathroom.

Promptly into a waiting Hyunwoo. He relaxed visibly, scratching at his head as he smiled weakly. “I was right to wait here then.”

“Did you forget something?”

“Technically I could have looked in your file for it but I figured I’ve already broken enough rules that I should ask you instead.”

“Ask me about what?”

“Your number. Please.”

You merely stared at him, processing what he said. Jarringly, you reached for the phone he held out and punched in your number. Were you dreaming just now? Hyunwoo chewed on his bottom lip, trying to curb some of his satisfaction in gaining your personal information. And then he gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze.

Well, you were definitely not dreaming. Snapping your stunned gaze to his face, you watched him grin shyly. “Can I ring you tonight?”

“Really?”

“If you’re busy, then I can wait but-”

“I’ll be free after five.”

“I’ll ring you at six,” he confirmed with a giddy smile, feeling yourself mirror the expression. He waved you off with a laugh.

When six arrived, you jumped as the phone you held went off right on time. You waited a moment as not to seem as if you hadn’t just spent the last thirty minutes staring at the screen or anything.

“Hello?”

“Y/N? It’s Hyunwoo here.”

“Hyunwoo,” you called, trying not to giggle happily. “Are you sure this is appropriate? You won’t get in any trouble?”

“I closed your file today so you’re officially no longer my patient.”

“What am I then?”

“Yeah, that’s the culprit.”

“Well, I have a confession to make,” he said with a quick breath and you frowned. “I might have looked at something I shouldn’t have before I closed your file. Is this the same welcome mat that tripped you up on that fateful morning?”

Getting up with a start from your couch, you dashed to the front door and opened it, finding Hyunwoo kicking gently at the mat under his feet. He looked up at you and grinned, still holding the phone up to his ear. “Is it?”

“I hope it’s alright, but I brought a replacement one,” he mentioned as he ended the call, lifting the bag he held up and shaking it. You laughed and he grinned. “The salesperson said this one is so heavy duty that it won’t even move in a storm.”

“What about you? Will you move in a storm?”

“Only into your arms to comfort you, I hope.”

“Want to come in?”

“Are you sure you want to let your therapist in? I might find all the flaws within your home that could injure you and want to fix them all,” he admitted and you stepped aside to welcome him inside.

But before you shut the door, you leaned down and grabbed the welcome mat, throwing it down into the garden bed where you had fallen last. Smiling brightly, you then turned to Hyunwoo. “Have you eaten? I could make us some dinner.”

“I’ve been dying to try your food ever since you told me about that party you threw for your family two weeks ago.”

“You might think I’m a horrible cook, I had help then,” you pointed out and Hyunwoo followed you down the hallway, leaving the new mat by the door and expressing that you have help in him right now.

You hoped that he would keep showing up on your doorstep like this.

_________________

Next: Wonho

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[ijustwant2write]

Rest Beside Me-Hvitserk Ragnarsson x Reader

(GIF credit @whenimaunicorn)

Requested by @theprincessandtheprince: 'Can you do one where a sick Hvitserk is nursed back to health by Y/N who falls in love with him?

Characters: Hvitserk Ragnarsson x Reader, Aslaug x Reader (platonic)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

(Y/L/N)=Your last name

Warnings: Mention of illness, mention of death, sexual tension and lots of fluff

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Guess who was able to get the supplies for a lower price, again this week, may I add." I smirked as I approached my father.

We were still stood in the middle of the market, unphased by the usual crowds. He rolled his eyes with a smile, sighing before he spoke.

"I lose the bet again then I see."

"Yes you do. That means I get to choose a piece of jewellery today."

"A piece of jewellery? That's what you want?"

Father and I always made this a game. It made gathering supplies more interesting. He was the towns leading healer, he had studied illnesses for a majority of his life, and had discovered new cures. Father had met the love of his life (my mother) when he cured her back to health, and of course, I came along a year later. But there was nothing that could have been done to save her during childbirth, something he never forgave himself for; that was what he was looking into now, something to ease the pain of birth and to save the mother's. Though it was harder than anything else he ever faced.

Most of our bets never had a prize at the end. Sometimes it had been some sort of treat for each other, our favourite food, but I had my eye on a necklace, and I had never wanted anything else in my life. I would never ask my father if I doubted he could afford it.

"It's just so beautiful father, a simple necklace. If we don't have the money, then I understand." I sadly smiled.

He held out his arm, grinning as I looped mine through."Come on, show me this dazzling necklace."

Once father had bought it, we returned home. I couldn't stop touching it, or gazing at it in the mirror. It was strange how a piece of metal could make me feel so happy. I helped him put away the supplies we bought, making a list of what we had so we wouldn't forget what we had.

"Have you delivered the vials of medicine to the patients I listed?" father asked.

"Yes, they all seem to be recovering well. They said their thanks and mentioned that they were mentioning us in their prayers to the God's." I replied, sitting down in a chair beside the fire.

He sat opposite me, clasping his hands together and resting then on top of his stomach. It was times like these that made him look older, and I couldn't help but think about when I would have to start looking after him.

"(Y/N), I have something to tell you."

"What is it?"

He chuckled."There is no need to worry. It's just that I need to go away for a while."

"Go away? Where? Why?"

"An old friend of mine is also a healer. They have a difficult case on their hands and need my expertise. It isn't far away, but I shall have to stay there for a few days."

"But, what about the people here?"

"I have spoken to Queen Aslaug, she has given me permission as we are allies with the people I am helping. And I said that you would take over my duties."

My eyes almost popped out of my head, and I leaned forward in my chair."What?! I've never done this by myself!"

"You are more than capable. You make your own antidotes, you know what herbs you need to use for certain illnesses, and you have a mind heart. Everyone says so."

"What if I do something wrong?"

"You'll have all of your books I made you write, they're exact copies of mine. You can always use them as a referral."

"I don't know father, it's a lot to process. When are you leaving?"

He hesitated, casting his eyes down."Tomorrow morning."

"You leave in the morning?! Why didn't you tell me sooner?!" I raised my voice, becoming more worried.

"Calm down (Y/N), please." he also leaned forward, reaching for my hand, and I gripped onto it."You know I would never put you in a position where you were uncomfortable, scared, or humiliated. I've chosen to put you in charge because you can do this!"

I said nothing.

"Believe me when I say that everyone will be in capable hands with you around. Even Queen Aslaug was confident about you."

"She was?"

"Yes! There are the other local healers to assist you, should you need it. But I am sure that you will do great just by yourself."

"Why couldn't you tell me a week ago at least? I could have got my head together, I could have reviewed everything I learnt."

"Because if I told you then, all you would do is worry and keep yourself up late at night thinking about everything that could go wrong. Telling you the night before I leave means you just have to get on with it. Believe me, you're going to surprise yourself with just how amazing you are."

Father was right. I couldn't sleep much that night. I thought about how much I would miss him as well as the heavy duty he had practically dropped on me. Although I knew he did it on purpose (and for that I aas slightly angry with him), I realised that it was also a test. He wouldn't be the healer forever, the role had to be passed down to someone.

In the morning, I tried to seem happy as he left. Father sadly smiled, knowing how upset I was. We embraced for a long time, and he chuckled when he tried to pull away. When I finally let him go, I watched him mount his horse, waving one last time before he rode away. I didn't move until he was out of my sight completely. Sighing as I turned around to head inside, two shield maidens suddenly showed up.

"(Y/N) (Y/L/N), Queen Aslaug has requested your help." one of them announced.

"Why? What's wrong?" I asked.

"She believes that Prince Hvitserk has fallen ill."

"Let me gather my things."

As they guided me to Hvitserk's home, I thought about how quickly my first appointment happened. Father had literally just left, and someone was already in need of my help. However, this was the Prince that was ill. What if I was unable to heal him? What if I gave him the wrong treatment and made him worse? I almost wanted to slap myself for thinking such stupid things. This was what father had told me not to do, I was worthy of this role, and I was going to look after the people!

"Queen Aslaug, we have brought her." the shield maiden said, and they parted, revealing me.

I bowed my head as I curtsied."Queen Aslaug. What can I do to help?"

"Thank you for coming. I know this is a lot to ask of you as this is the first time you have worked without your father. But my son is stubborn, he will not let anyone see him."

"What are his symptoms?"

"He is extremely pale, he feels like he is on fire, constantly sweating, and he has no strength in him. What's wrong with him?"

"From what you said, it could just an extreme case of a cold. The winter has been harsh on us, so it wouldn't surprise me. But I shall go inside and confirm that."

"I warn you, he will not be easy to speak to. He does not like to be seen as weak."

"Don't worry, I will get through to him. I've dealt with men like him before."

I walked inside, already hearing his heavy breathing. As I walked through the home, I couldn't help but be in awe of how big it was. I had always lived in a small home, I still loved it dearly, but all of this space for one person? It didn't seem fair. Continuing to his room, I knocked on the wall beside the curtain that separated it from the rest of the house. There was a grumble from inside, but I walked through anyway.

"Prince Hvitserk," I bowed just as I had to his mother,"my name is (Y/N), I'm here to check on you. Your mother says you are not well."

He was bundled up in multiple furs, hunched up into a ball. His glare was harsh as he looked me up and down.

"I don't need a healer. I am fine." he moaned.

I took a few steps forward, seeing how shiny his forehead was with sweat."I shall be the judge of that. You do not look like your usual self."

A smug grin formed on his face."So, you watch me then?"

He was cocky, and at any other time, I would be disgusted, but this showed that there was still some spark left in him.

"If I say yes, will you let me help you?"

He nodded."You know, I have seen you around too."

"You have?" I wasn't really interested in the conversation, but it made him distracted from what I was doing.

I grabbed my water skin, pouring it onto a rag. There was a smile on his face as I placed a cold rag on his forehead.

"Yes, I have. It doesn't surprise me that someone as beautiful as the goddess Freya is also as nurturing."

I scoffed at him, though there was humour behind it."You really must be unwell if you're having thoughts such as that."

I looked through my bag, picking out certain herbs to mix together. It was simple to say that he had a cold, it was a bad one, but easy to cure.

"Where is your father? You're normally trailing behind him."

"I'm sorry, would you have preferred to gaze upon his beauty?"

He laughed but it caused him to start coughing. I quickly poured water into a nearby cup, gently grabbing the back of his head and tilting it upwards. His lips met the cup, and I slowly tipped it, letting him drink.

"He has gone away for a few days, and I'm in charge now." I explained as I laid him down again.

"Well, aren't I lucky?"

I rolled my eyes with a smile, crushing up the herbs whilst still perched on the edge of his bed. Mixing it in his drink, I turned around to face him.

"You are not seriously ill, it's a common cold, the weather has made it slightly worse. But you are in need of medicine. This is going to taste disgusting, but trust me, it's going to help you get better sooner."

He sat up in bed, grimacing as he looked into the cup, but drank it anyway. I refrained from laughing when his face scrunched up, spluttering as he tried to get rid of the taste.

"I'll make some more medicine, and I'll deliver them to you, they should last you three more days, and if you need more, I'll return." I explained, standing up and packing up my belongings.

"No."

"No?"

"You'll deliver them everyday and tend to me."

"And why would I do that? I have other people to see."

"Then see me last."

"Hvitserk, you don't need me here-"

"I command it."

"What if I refuse?"

"Then you are going against your prince's desires."

"I shall speak with your mother about this. My Prince."

I hastily left, surprised to see Aslaug still outside. She instantly looked at me, almost charging towards me.

"So? How is he?"

"He will be fine my Queen. I have provided him with medicine for now, but I shall need to return tomorrow with more."

She squinted her eyes at me."Why do you seem unsure about something?"

"The Prince, he...he requested that I come here frequently and...tend to him."

"Then you shall do as he asks."

I kept my mouth shut. I did want to stay alive.

"If he feels that he needs help to get better, you will visit him every day."

"He said I could come after I made my rounds with other patients."

"That seems smart. See to it that he gets back to his usual self quickly."

I don't think that will be a problem.

"Thank you (Y/N), you will be rewarded greatly. And your father will hear of this, he will be very proud."

The next day, I made my way to all the patients, having to explain every time where my father was. No one complained, and this boosted my confidence. I held onto that new feeling as I arrived at Hvitserk's house, knocking before entering, calling out as to not startle him. He was sat up in bed this time, already looking better, he wasn't as pale.

"Prince Hvitserk, how are you feeling?" I asked as I walked towards him.

"A little better. But I am tired of being stuck in bed." he huffed.

"I hope you have not left that bed since yesterday?"

"If you have told me to remain in bed, then I shall do so." he smirked again."It's a shame there is no one here to share it."

"Well no one should be sharing a bed with you if you're ill." I retorted.

He chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Did you take anymore medicine?"

"Yes."

"Was it still horrible?"

"It is the foulest thing I have ever tasted."

It was my turn to laugh."That means it's good medicine."

"I would rather be drinking ale."

I pulled up a chair, sitting down as I made his medicine again."I'm sure you would. Just do as I say and you'll be back at with your friends, drinking the night away."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes. Sometimes too much as my father says."

"How come I have never come across you at feasts or celebrations?"

"I am there. I just never seem to pass you."

"How could I miss such a pretty face?"

"You do like to compliment, don't you?"

"Only when I mean it."

I glanced up at him, but quickly cast my eyes back down to the ingredients when he looked at me.

"I miss training too. I haven't held a sword in days." he mumbled.

"Are there any upcoming raids?"

"Not so far. But I can't wait for the next one."

"Why do you like it so much?"

I held out the cup of medicine to him, and for a moment his face dropped. He kept looking into it, swirling around the liquid as he spoke.

"The thrill of it all. We are viking, it's our purpose in life. I get to earn my way into Valhalla whilst exploring new places that no one else may have seen yet. I can face a thousand men in battle, but I can't defeat a stupid cold."

"If you take your medicine, you will." I urged.

He closed his eyes as he downed it all, still hating the taste. I took the cup from him, gently placing the back of my hand on his forehead. I could feel his blue eyes staring at me, even if I wasn't looking at him. Hvitserk was a charmer, he knew his way around women. And he was a Prince, it was much easier for him to get them to fall at his feet.

"Well, you're not as hot anymore." I commented as I pulled away.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Such a humble man." I muttered, but his laugh told me that he heard it.

As instructed, I had to visit everyday, and despite Hvitserk still being under the weather, his confidence hadn't faltered. However, the cockiness had worn off, his comments were much sweeter now. Perhaps I was giving him too much medicine, maybe it was making him slightly delusional. I used to dread going to see him, wishing that it was any other patient that had requested such a thing. However, as soon as he showed me his true self, I was beginning to like him, and it didn’t feel like such a chore; I even found myself refraining from making his medicine until I arrived, meaning I would have to stay for longer. As I had also been there longer into the night, he had hired a guard to wait outside and walk me home safely.

“You seem sad today. Tell me what is wrong?” Hvitserk asked. 

He was fully sat up with his legs crossed and only needed one fur to keep him warm now. It felt horrible to say, but it was almost sad that he was getting better, I wouldn’t have an excuse to seem him.

“Don’t worry. It’s none of your concern.” I gently said, sitting beside him on the edge of the bed. He leaned closer to me.

“You hardly have any time to socialise anymore, you said so yourself. I bet you haven’t been able to get anything off your mind recently.” 

We held eye contact for a few more seconds than I would have liked, and I didn’t even break it as I spoke.“I’ve heard gossip amongst the people. About us.”

“And what do they say?”

“I don’t think they believe that I’m caring for you. They think I’m looking after you in a different way.”

He didn’t seem offended by it.“And why should you care?”

“Hvitserk, I’m well known throughout the town, I’m the healer’s daughter! If they think I’m sleeping around whilst my father is away-”

“You don’t need to panic.” he laid his hand on top of mine.

“I’m a woman, of course I need to worry about something like this.”

“No, you don’t.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, my tone much more snappy.“What do you mean?”

“You’re so interesting (Y/N). You have all of this knowledge inside that pretty, little head, and somehow you still have room for kindness and patience. It baffled me how you brushed me off that first time we met, because I thought you would feel sorry for me. You’ve not just cured me from an illness, you’ve shown me what a bastard I’ve been. And for some reason, you made me want to be caring, yet there is only one person I want to protect.”

Unknowingly, our faces had inched closer and closer. Our eyes were still connected, except for the flickering looks to each others lips. It was all too tempting and teasing.

“And...who might that be?”

“I think you know who.” 

His free hand wrapped around the back of my neck, finally pushing our lips together. I instantly leaned into it, not even thinking as we kissed. It was hungry, both of us wanted control over the other, but no one was winning. I was the one to break it, suddenly feeling shy under his stare.

“We shouldn’t have done that.” I breathed out.

His smile dropped.“Why?”

“Because you’re still sick, so now I am going to become ill.”

He let out a relieved sigh.“Well, perhaps it is time I return the favour.”

“I did think you would be saying that under different circumstances.”

“We may not be doing what you expected, but you can still lay in my bed with me.”

I kicked off my shoes, jumping on top of him.“Are you feeling better?”

His hands grabbed onto my thighs that were straddling his waist.“I feel like a brand new man.”

“Good, cause I don’t give this treatment to my other patients.”

[ms-meredith-milton]

FIC: A Model Patron, 1/?

BLAME @sabrecmc FOR THIS!!!  :)

No idea how far I’ll get--that’s why I’m not putting it on AO3 yet!--but when I saw the prompts @sabrecmc was floating around, one of them bit me and wouldn’t let go until I wrote this down.  So whatever gets written is a gift to Sabre while P&P is playing hide and seek with my muse!

Fic: A Model Patron

Pairing: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Tags/warnings: BDSM; pre-serum Steve; prostitution / sex work; Great Depression; power imbalance; age difference; eventual graphic kinky sex!

Original Prompt (though I’m taking it in a rather different direction): Prompt 9:  Smol hooker Steve, so I was thinking that it could be Depression-era sort of noir-ish vibes.  With the economy in shambles, lots of people, including many Irish immigrants, turned to selling their bodies to have enough food to eat, but who would want someone like Steve?  Or so Steve figures.  But, he hears about a guy who has been trolling the docks looking for a very particular type of person for certain “special clients”.  Steve’s no stranger to pain, so he figures he can handle it and if it puts some food on the table, it would be worth getting knocked around a bit. At least he would be getting paid as opposed to the usual running his mouth situation.  Or, how smol, 1930’s Steve enters the world of bdsm and finds himself ensconced with a particular reclusive millionaire with very specific tastes.

A Model Patron

When Steve had first accepted a gig at the Academy, he had expected to be humiliated: his imperfect body, frail and small, exposed to a circle of elite art students whose ranks he’d never be able to join.  

But he hadn’t been humiliated by the modeling at all.  The students had been courteous, though distant distant, and as Steve sat on the raised platform, above them, he’d been their muse.  Steve was the center of their devoted concentration, at once a person and an object, as the Master walked around the room commenting on someone’s shading across the curve of Steve’s ribs, or how to capture the jut of his hipbone, or the right pigments to convey the fading bruises on his cheek and arm (remnants of Steve’s last scrape). 

Steve hadn’t hated it; he liked it.  Liked to be looked at, liked to be transformed into artwork.  It had made his blood sing and his body hum.  And his miserable, treacherous body (his goddamn traitor cock) responded for all to see. 

That had humiliated him and he’d vowed not to go back, even when the kind, old professor delicately assured Steve he wasn’t the first model to respond to observation in a physical manner. 

But Mr. Cavalli had recently let Steve go when his business took another bad turn; the pinch in Steve’s stomach and the danger of being turned out in the cold was enough to conquer far greater humiliations.  He needed steady work, but one solid gig would stave off disaster.  

Steve shifted nervously in his seat and stared at the student work displayed in the hallway. Fine, but generic.  Steve didn’t care for it.  (And couldn’t help thinking he’d be capable of better, given such fine paints and canvass--not to mention lessons.)

“Can I help you?” Professor Ellis asked politely as he stepped out of his office and saw Steve waiting. His greying beard was meticulously trimmed, his old brown shoes carefully polished, and his old fashioned jacket well brushed.

Steve scrambled to his feet, glad he’d taken such care with his own appearance. 

“Professor Ellis,” Steve said, holding out his hand.  They shook.  “Steve Rogers here.  I modeled for your life drawing course a few weeks ago.”

“Yes, of course,” Professor Ellis said with a smile.  “It’s nice to see you again, Mr. Rogers.”

“And you, sir,” Steve replied, heart racing nervously.  The professor looked at him expectantly. 

 “I--” Steve faltered.  “I’m here to inquire if there might be any openings for models again.”

The sad expression on the professor’s face was answer enough.

“I’m afraid we got more applications than usual and we’ve already hired our models for the upcoming session,” he said gently.  “And we’re operating on a reduced budget, so we have fewer slots than in previous semesters.”

Steve’s stomach dropped.

“I understand, sir,” Steve said in a hollow voice, then added after a moment’s hesitation, “Perhaps there’s a waitlist in case a model cancels? And, I-- I understand that funds are tight for the Academy; I could accept a reduced rate if there’s any opportunity that opens up.”

Steve knew he reeked of desperation, but instead of withdrawing awkwardly the Professor only looked softer.  

Then a sudden change--he cocked his head to the side and frowned, scanning Steve up and down.  

“Was it my advanced drawing course in October you sat for?”

“Yes, sir.”

The professor nodded and hesitated before speaking. “Actually, I may be able to refer you for something after all.  Won’t you step into my office, Mr. Rogers?”

Steve followed him, only barely managing not to trip all over himself in his eagerness.  

The Professor began shuffling papers across his messy desk, clearly looking for something as he spoke:

“Not long after you modeled, a young woman--afraid I’ve forgotten the name!-- came in to look at some student work and show it to the collector she works for who sometimes acts as a patron to promising young artists. He liked young Mr. Winslow’s drawing from that class and purchased it directly, though sadly no additional patronage seems to be forthcoming thus far. But a few days later one of this young lady’s colleagues came by to reiterate the collector’s satisfaction with the work.  And with its subject.”

At last the Professor found the card he’d been looking for, but instead of handing it to Steve he held it, frowning.

“I was given to understand that the collector she represents may be interested in dabbling in some . . . unusual art work of his own.”  

There was something odd in the professor’s voice and Steve started to worry that the old man wouldn’t give him the referral card after all.  He held his breath as Professor Ellis finally looked up and met his eyes.  

“The Academy has very high standards for how we treat our models,” the Professor said almost primly, “and it is our policy not to refer our models to unknown parties. But since it seems you may be”--a delicate pause as he selected the right phrase-- “in a difficult position . . .”

Steve’s cheeks heated even at the careful euphemism, but he took the card without hesitation when the Professor held it out.

“Thank you, sir,” Steve said, trying not to sound stiff.

“Of course, Mr. Rogers,” he said, still a little melancholy.  “I hope the position proves satisfactory.  I wish you the best of luck.”

They parted and Steve finally looked at the card. 

All it said was “Miss Natalie Rushman” and a phone number in Manhattan.  

>>>

Steve was fifteen minutes early for his interview, so he paced the side streets nearby killing time since he didn’t want to look too eager (or desperate).  And Miss Rushman had offered to meet Steve at a pub near the Academy instead of making him travel all the way to her offices in upper Manhattan, saying she would be in the area anyway.  When he’d asked how he’d recognize her if The Old Pony was crowded, she’d replied that she’d find him--then reminded him that she’d ‘seen him before’ in a tone that made him blush.

At exactly 3:59, Steve stepped into the pub, blinking as he adjusted to the dim light.  A voluptuous redhead in a beautifully cut green dress approached him immediately with a slight smile.  She extended her and greeted him in a deep voice: “Good afternoon, Mr. Rogers.”

It was strange; she looked so familiar, like someone he had seen around his neighborhood from time to time. But he was sure he’d have noticed such a high class lady in his area, so it was probably just a passing resemblance.  (Or his exhausted mind playing tricks on him.)

“Very nice to meet you, Miss Rushman,” Steve replied.  

“Please join me.”

Steve slid across from her in the small corner booth near the window.  

“Thank you for taking time to meet with me,” Steve said.

“Likewise.  Thank you for meeting me here,” she said, green eyes sparkling.  “Please allow me to offer you a drink--compliments of my client.   What would you like?”

“Coffee if they have it.”

She nodded.  

“What’ll it be?” the barkeep asked Steve.  

“One coffee and one vodka,” she answered.

The bartender gave Steve a queer look, but didn’t say anything. Miss Rushman studied Steve’s face with an intense expression while the man brought their order.  Steve flushed, then turned brighter red as the man set the coffee in front of her and handed Steve the vodka.  She traded their drinks immediately, paid, and raised her glass saying, “Cheers.”

“Good health,” Steve replied. He wrapped his chilled fingers gratefully around the warm cup.

She took a sip and leaned back in her seat, still examining him.  

It was the strangest interview he’d ever been to and Steve was starting to feel an echo the professor’s uneasiness.  His blush was spreading down his neck and he started to drop his head awkwardly, almost bashful, then reminded himself that he had nothing to be ashamed of. Steve raised his head again and threw back his shoulders. 

“Yes,” she said at last.  “I think you may be a very good fit.”

“Thank you,” Steve said, trying to reign in his temper. “Perhaps you could tell me more about the position now?”

Steve couldn’t quite keep the impatience out of his tone, but her smile widened despite that (or perhaps, oddly, because of it).

“Quite so,” Miss Rushman said, leaning forward to fold her hands on the table.  “I represent an unusual and eccentric artist who has been searching for a . . . special muse.  He’s had single sessions and even a few repeats with models before, but never formed the artistic bond he craves, which is one it would take time and trust to nurture.  Something more collaborative.”

Steve sipped his coffee and nodded, intrigued.  

“My client values his privacy,” she continued. “He is exceptionally wealthy and well-regarded and can compensate you very handsomely for your services.”

“Would I know any of his work?” Steve asked, thrilled (and more than a little bewildered) by the idea that a luminary of the art world--both rich and famous?--might want him as a muse.

“No, I’m afraid not,” Miss Rushman replied smoothly.  “His wealth and renowned are based on industry, not on his purely private artistic achievements.”

Steve tried not to let his disappointment show.  

“I must warn you that the artist can be . . . difficult.  Fickle.  Hard to work with.”

Steve nearly snorted. Sounded like every artist ever.  And this one was a rich industrialist to boot?  He’d probably be a terror. But Steve could handle that. He’d handled worse.  

Miss Rushman continued.  “He can be harsh, but he is not by nature cruel. He’s brilliant, arrogant, and impatient.”

She took another sip of her vodka.  “Are you still interested?”

Steve nodded. “Very much so.”

“Good,” she said with satisfaction. “Would you be free for a meeting sometime soon? Tomorrow perhaps?”

Steve tried not let his relief show.  

“My schedule is very open tomorrow,” Steve said, trying to sound confident.  

She smiled. 

“Excellent.  If you are still interested at the close of our meeting, I will provide some funds for travel expenses. This is separate from the salary.  For your initial session, the artist would pay you 100$.”

Steve couldn’t keep the shock off his face and it undoubtedly doubled as she continued.

“But perhaps you’ll find that you’re busy tomorrow after all,” she said, “when you understand the exact nature of the . . . art.”

Another sip of her vodka. Steve’s stomach began to tighten up into knots; there was something decidedly unnerving about all of this. He felt like he was always missing something, like he couldn’t read between the lines.

“If you accept the position, Mr. Rogers,” she said, leaning forward, her expression intense, “you would be the canvas for his art.”

“Pardon?” Steve said, cocking his head to the side.  “You mean that he’d . . . paint on my body?”

Hardly seemed like that would require such princely pay or all this mystery.

“He might,” she answered with a hint of a smile at her brightly colored lips.  

“But he mostly works in a different medium--the relationship between pleasure and pain.”  

Her voice was low, intimate, almost a caress. Steve’s heart began to race as she continued: “He likes control. Intricate patterns of rope twined around the body. Leather cuffs. Chains.  And he likes to inflict pain and make it show. Bruises. Scratches. Sometimes welts.”

Steve took a sharp breath. A few moments ago, he’d felt chilled but now the pub seemed far too hot.

“So, this so-called ‘artist,’” Steve said tightly, “wants a ‘model,’ he can tie up and beat?”

“A vulgar way of phrasing it, but not entirely inaccurate.”  She waved a hand dismissively and finished her drink.  “But he’d want to make it good for you. And he would hurt you, but he would never harm you.”

“What’s the difference?” Steve bit out. 

“No lasting damage. His tastes aren’t particularly extreme and he has exceptional control. As I said, he’s not by nature cruel.”  

Steve couldn’t keep back an incredulous snort. (Not cruel! Just wanted to pay for the pleasure of beating somebody up who couldn’t fight back.) 

Her expression tightened and she added in a grave tone, “And if you change your mind at any point and tell him to stop, he will.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” Steve asked with a glare.

“Believe what you like,” she answered smoothly. “It is the truth.”

With that, she slid abruptly from the booth and took a small envelope from her purse.  She placed it on the table.  

“Funds for travel expenses to Manhattan and a good meal on the way,” she said briskly.  “Noon tomorrow at the enclosed address if you’d like to meet him and continue the interview process. If not, then I wish you well, Mr. Rogers.”

She took one step away from the booth, then turned back to add in a soft voice, “He isn’t always a nice man, but he is a good one.”

Then, as if by magic, she seemed to vanish in the crowd.  

Steve’s coffee cup shook in his hand; he set it down abruptly with a clatter.

It was quite some time before Steve collected himself enough to go home, envelope secure in his inner breast pocket, right above his too-rapidly beating heart. 

[hermeysdentalequipment]

Yall, I fucking hate our healthcare out here where I live.

I have a great general practitioner and she needed to refer me to a gyno. If I go outside the hospital system she's in, Ill play hell getting that referral to the doctor it needs to get to. So, I agree to stay in the system. I just met the woman for the first time today and geez.

The nurse reviewing my medical stuff didnt even see that I had just had an exam done 3 weeks prior and was prepared to do it again. Keep in mind, its all in the same computer system, no requesting or transferring records. I bring this up and shes like "Oh, I probably shouldve checked that first." Ya think??

Then, the gyno comes in and we discuss birth control options. I am currently on one method and I want to switch to another because of health risk reasons associated with my current med. She looked at me like I was crazy and gave me contradicting information about the risks of the med, going against my general practitioner, the one perscribing it to me. Thats fine and all, only if I didnt already do my own research and know my general practioner was right and the gynos information put me at more risk.

Then, shes trying to find another reason for me wanting to change and says to me "Well, most women want to switch because this med can cause weight gain and moodiness" Heres the bit yall: I weigh about 270 pounds and am about 5'7". I dont look little. How fucking rude! Not only that, but there are a HOST of other potential side effects and you choose to mention those to me?! Thanks, asshole.

Then, she tells me she needs to check me for STIs. I recently had an exam where, due to my lack of sexual activity, they chose not to test for them. I dont mind getting tested in the slightest, but I tried asking why they didnt do it and why it needed to be done today. I just wanted some answers since I know Im not an expert on these things. She tells me "Oh, yeah, I dont know why they didnt do it. We do them for everyone here. I totally believe what youve told me about your sexual activity, but Ive been duped before, so we like to make sure" That is the WORST way to word that answer. Thanks for accusing me of lying to you TO MY FACE. I understand the reasoning behind it, but the lack of consideration for the patients feelings was really unnecessary.

Thesres a few more rude red flags that she's not really listening to me, like not taking no for an answer when discussing birth control options until the fourth time and not paying attention to what I said my cycle was in relation to our next scheduled appointment, but the final big thing I didnt like was the physical exam. She wasnt very gentle and didnt seem to consider how uncomfortable I am, despite me making noise and clenching my muscles. And, right before it started, she brought in a lady I didnt recognize and didnt introduce her until after she had left and I was about to leave the office. She knows Im a new patient and shes about to show off my vagina to anyone in the room. It would be fucking nice to know whos taking a look.

What a goddamn mess, I fucking hate it here. I was treated like a woman, not a person. I know this is pretty common, but this is why Ive avoided the gyno for this long.

[acyborgkitty]

Today again feeling optimistic. Had my first appointment with my new psychiatric nurse at Kalasatama, the previous one triggered some major medical trauma because she didn't seem to believe I was actually sick, so refused to move a meeting to video, and wouldn't consider making a referral for a formal Autism assessment. It was awful, and I felt that even the first time we met that she didn't really want to help me. Or she couldn't. I should learn to trust my instincts, especially with how hard doctors have become for me since getting sick.

Anyway, thanks to the intervention of the psychiatrist who ran the BPD virtual group I attended I got assigned a new psychiatric nurse, who agreed we could meet by video because of my ME. Today was the first meeting. I was SUPER anxious given how stressful previous meetings with doctors have been, but she was really nice and seemed to be easy to talk to. She said she'd help refill my anxiety meds, gave me her direct number to text and call so I don't have to navigate complicated systems, and even brought up the Autism assessment when I just asked about support for Autistic adults like coaches or something. Our next appointment is scheduled in a month.

It feels like such a simple thing, just to be treated like a reasonable person who knows what they need help with, but so few medical professionals seem able to do that. I'm grateful it seems like I got one who can.

Still in the hopefully tail-end of a 6-week crash from the stress of breaking up with my former boyfriend, but felt so encouraged by today's appointment I met a friend for a hot chocolate at the village cafe. It was a little overstimulating, but not terribly so, and I said when I felt I needed to go and it was totally fine. Also, the cafe has a couch so I was able to lie down for most of the time we were there, and the Flare earplugs made the (relatively quiet) noise of the environment bearable for me. Now I just have a little sore throat, usual for when I'm in PEM. Will go to bed soon and hope for a good night's sleep... haven't been having them lately, though before the crash I was sleeping the best I had in years thanks to a new magnesium supplement...

I'm tired, but feeling pretty happy with how today went. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist at the HUS Functional Clinic tomorrow to start discussing pacing. Here's hoping that goes as well.

Also downloaded the youandME app today to start tracking my symptoms. So glad that exists.

[essays-for-breakfast]

Do You Remember?

Kiane Week Day Five: Affection

Note: So, I had no idea what to do with the prompt for today. That’s when randomness entered my creatively-bankrupt brain. I hope you enjoy my first dive into first person referral POV.

You. Let me hold you close, now that we have nothing to fear. Our war is won, our past conquered, our future brighter than I could have hoped. Let me kiss you, now that you wear my ring and I yours. Let me create a shrine for our love, a forest that will last a thousand years, where the daisy blooms all seasons and the birds carol the song of a Giant and a Fairy.

My people say that the Sacred Tree produces a seed only once every five thousand years. A single bloom with a single kernel from which the strongest and most beautiful tree will sprout. The odds of witnessing such a wonder are slim, few Fairies ever do, and those who hope and search all their life might still return emptyhanded. A pearl in an ocean of sand.

And yet, I found the pearl without looking for her. She pulled me from a river, healed my wounds, and nursed me to health. In every sense of the word, she saved my life.

You.

You are my pearl, my one in five thousand chance, my strong and beautiful rock in an ocean of worries.

Let me reminisce the years we spent side by side, as friends, as comrades, now as husband and wife. Do you remember?

A cave in the sun. Water ran down the stone, cool and fresh, but the walls of your home never felt cold against my back. Because your warmth melted all ice. How often did we play tag in the meadows while the grass whispered with the wind? Do you remember half of it? One day blended into the next, one year mingled with the following, but you were always there, with a smile to brighten my mood and a hand to lift me up. Free of my own memories to chain me, I saw the world through your eyes. So vivid and cheerful. Every face a new friend without a shred of hostility.

Sometimes I want to go back to these days with you. But we have more now than we ever did back then, don’t we? More memories to wallow in, more experience to rely on, more friends to ask for support, advice, or a mindless night indulged in liquor. And a child to share our stories with.

In truth, I don’t want to go back to the cave in the sun. Tears stain the end of this chapter. I now acknowledge why Helbram needed to die, and the sound of the rose tearing through his skin and flesh no longer wakes me in the darkest hour before dawn. But what I did to you will forever haunt me. Please don’t worry, you can’t kiss away the guilt, your words can’t lift the burden. I realize my mistake now. Perhaps one day I will find the strength to remind you how truly sorry I am.

A man can endure torture, he can stomach tremendous loss, he can throw himself into the steel-infested fires of the battlefield time and time again, as long as his mind has a happier place to return to. Nothing lets us hold on and continue to strive forward more than a blissful memory to keep us company.

I robbed you of that.

But I underestimated your strength. You thrived without the warmth of memories, you blossomed, and never once did you betrayal your ideals. Although everyone in your clan told you to find your meaning in battle, you proved that fighting for the sake of fighting is sad and meaningless. Your kindness touched others, allowed them to grow beyond the cage they trapped themselves in. It was this kindness that cradled me during the endless nights in prison, and it is this kindness upon which the merger of our clans and, in a sense, the Seven Deadly Sins are build.

Do you remember how we met again, as comrades?

I had given up hope to see you after all these years, but there you stood, alive and more beautiful than I could have imagined in my most luxurious dreams. You hid your face behind your hair, and you blushed when the Captain introduced you. How many careful, affectionate glances did you throw his way? And I hovered right there beside you, drunk with delight and on the brink of tears.

Yes, I was jealous. How I pulled my hair every single time you snatched the Captain into an embrace. No one deserved you in my mind, least of all an ill-mannered, inconsiderate man of Meliodas’ caliber. My respect for him probably made it worse. I watched him like a hawk, desperate to find a flaw that would prove he wasn’t worthy of your praises. I made a fool out of myself.

Hey, don’t laugh, if he or anyone else came along and played with your feelings like that, I would stare him to the ground and then chase Chastifol after him. What more can I say to convince you of my devotion for you? I’ve never learned the humility to share what I love. We should put this on a list of things you still have to teach me.

But there were good moments with the Sins too, even back then. Our missions brought us closer together and so did the plethora of parties we celebrated afterwards. The alcohol might have clouded my senses then and again, but I still recall the best parts. Your face illuminated by ten thousand candles on ten hundred chandeliers during our mission in Lothien. Your story about the first time you went fishing and pulled a twenty-feet Dragon Trout from the lake. Your laugh when Ban dove headfirst into the barrel with Aberdeen Ale.

Each day I watched you, and each day your beauty grew, until I was convinced a shower of daisies and primroses rained down on me whenever you passed me by.

But this chapter had to come to an end also.

Without you, where was I supposed to go? To an empty cave in the rain? To a forest I hadn’t seen in half a millennium, a ruin of ash and smoke and burnt seeds? Loneliness was my companion and misery my only driving force. Without you, I allowed anger and prejudice to cloud my judgement, I allied with knights I didn’t trust to hunt down a knight I should have learned to trust years ago. Shadows arose unseen to me, and I allowed them to seep into my heart. I became one with the evil my bitterness gardened. And then you returned to my life, side by side with Ban and the Captain, a smile on your face and a greeting for me on your lips.

Yes, without you, I wouldn’t have rejoined the Sins. Not for the princess’ pleas, not for the Captain’s orders, not even for Elaine’s sake. You, Diane, you made me stay. Blessed by your kindness, gifted with your cheer, awarded with the sight of your sleeping form under a firmament of thousands of stars, I followed you into battle.

A battle in Liones, where you gave me hope that perhaps you did remember the cave in the sun.

A battle amidst the labyrinth of Vaizel, where we fought our predecessors and lost our Captain but gained one another.

A battle high up in the marble remains of a Goddess temple, where I remembered all the promises I made to you and learned to fly.

And a battle against the Demon King, the fate of the world on our shoulders, life as we knew it on the brink of collapse, where I at last found the courage to ask you the ultimate question.

Do you remember?

Now, your hand rests in mine, and I will never let go. I know the contours of your palm better than I know my own, all the hills and fissures and your heartbeat pulsating underneath, but I will never get tired of stroking the skin to hear your giggles. The light seeps through a canopy of birch leaves and paints beautiful patterns onto your face. Let me hold you close and listen to your steady breath. Let me hum a soft lullaby to you. Let me be at peace while your head leans against my shoulders and your hair tickles my cheek.

You are my pearl, my one in five thousand chance, my strong and beautiful rock in an ocean of worries.

You are you.

And I love you.

[i-bounced-byeeee]

Don't mind me just trying to process and assess my mood lately. I've been in a rut and I'm not entirely sure what kind of rut it is. I don't really feel depressed but I also know I'm not okay mental health wise. I'm just having a hard time pinpointing what exactly it is.

So in gonna ramble. Long post incoming and no read more because I'm on mobile.

January, 2021 I found out my Cat, Sparta had Diabetes. I was trying to do everything I could to get his insulin for him so he'd be a healthy happy kitty. My sister had to help with this and it's thanks to her we were able to get him started. I also fell down the stairs a week after all this and then a week after that I suffered a stroke but didn't know it.

I had been out that day and when I came home I took something for a headache and laid down to nap, and when I woke up the back of my neck and all down my leftside was tingling like it had fallen asleep and wouldn't wake up. After a few hours of this I went to the nearest hospital where they did a CT, some blood work, and a urinalysis. They didn't see anything unusual ams since I wasn't displaying any otherbsymptoms of a stroke they just gave me a baby aspirin and sent me home with a referral to an outpatient MRI and said if it got worse to come back.

It did. I went back and the doctor that saw me confirmed I had tingling in my left side, said it might have been because of my fall down the stairs a week prior, and to take a Valium with motrin and Tylenol. Then he sent me home. I made an appointment with a neurologist who was extremely worried because of my gait, I could barely walk and I was a fall risk. He had me admitted to the hospital, they did a bunch of blood work, an MRI, and a spinal tap. They discovered I had a stroke in My right cerebellum and I had 3 or 4 lesions on my spinal chord and we aren't sure if they're related to the stroke or not.

Now I've gained sensation in my left side since then but it still does t feel quote right and my right side is super sensitive and sometimes feel like I've got a cat constantly scratching me, usually on my thigh and right side of my waist.

In February I started occupational and physical therapy, I also celebrated Lucian's 5th birthday. I spent most of my time in bed playing resident Evil games and watching TV shows.

In March, my cat started to go down hill ad showed signs of ketoacidosis so my mom took him to the vet. They did some tests because his numbers weren't as high as they should be for that and learned he had pancreatitus, and started treating him for that, however he began to get worse and needed hospitalization, which would have cost us $6000 which we didn't have and hisboutlook over the weekend was very verybgrim.. my cat died March 27th. I had him for 12 years and I don't think I've fully even processed he's gone. Everything feels... weird. Surreal almost.

In April my mom found a cat up for adoption and we went to meet him, I liked him and so we paid a rehoming fee and brought him home, I named him Zagreus! He kind of helped ease the pain a little. I also started looking for a dog because I wanted a dog for my son yo play with. The search was hard and we couldn't find a dog that was a good fit for us. Either the dogs we'd find weren't good with kids, cats, or they were too rowdy or too old. I looked for a dog from sometime in April until June when I decided maybe another cat would be better, none of the cats we had currently would play with Zagreus so wanted to get him a friend.

I adopted Purrsephone the first week of June. She settled in really well! And she is doing great. I also had started really gardening after Sparta Died so on top of the kitty care I am also gardening and working outside. I also work for my moms pet sitting business when I can so I can earn some extra money.

In July I went to visit my dad in California. I wasn't feeling well that whole day we spent traveling and puked when we got there. We didn't get to go camping because there were fires everywhere, but I still enjoyed my visit it was hard at first because of my anxiety but it eventually calmed down.

I came back last week, I'm not sure how I feel about my upcoming birthday because even though I want to do stuff and have fun, I also don't have the money to do much at all, and I don't really have any friends to invite over. I'll also be losing my dad's insurance coverage on my birthday so I need to start the process of getting on the state insurance.

I've had some pretty severe baby fever, I've also been wanting to get my own place, to get stuff for my own space, stuff for my garden, stuff for grooming, stuff for Lucian to get him prepared for kindergarten this year. I've been designing adopts which haven't sold yet, and I've been trying to draw but I'm having a hard time because I feel like my art falls flat.

I've been wanting to do everything but don't have the motivation to do all the things I want to do, I've also been incredibly fatigued and my right side has been in some pain thanks to possible nerve damage. I've been trying to roll with the punches and things see. Pretty alright currently but there's a part of my brain that's struggling with something and idk what so I can work on it.