#im so sad now i miss them but whatever
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remember when in season 1 dean figured out john was possessed by azazel and sam immediately took his side and stood next to him he didnt even question him... yeah
#theyre brothers#thats family they love each other so much#literally no one understands how much they LOVE LOVE LOVE each other like theyre always ALWAYS gonna be each others n1#i love them so much#im so sad now i miss them but whatever#supernatural#dean winchester#spn#sam winchester
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phinktober day 11: ur fav AU
i dont rlly do AUs so i just drew them how i wish they would dress xo
(dan’s tats r carnations and snowdrops and phil’s r roses and honeysuckle. for no reason 🤗)
ALSO bonus version w makeup bc i couldn’t pick <3
#soz copied caption from twt i have been drawing for 7 hours straight i need to drink water eat something take a piss and a shower and sleep#no braincell rn#goodbye it is wine time#hope yall like this idfk what people what these days other than ship art but im not doing that so sorry no knights fucking for you#just me making them look like me bc i’m a narcissist etc#god i am way too tired to be yapping rn i have no filter whatever ABYWAY HASHTAG DANIPHIW#art2 and craft2#dnp#phanart#dan and phil#daniel howell#amazingphil#dan howell#phil lester#phinktober#punk edits irl come back to me please#i’m missing a fkn hashtag i just know it whatever i don’t CARE im TIRED i have eaten nothing but half a jar of picked today i feel so goblin#idk why i tunnelvisioned w this piece it’s not even that good or detailed LMFAO#actually the tattoos were a BITCH and also made me sad bc of my whole failed tattooing career etc#OH MY GOD WHY AM I YAPPING SO MUCH SOMEONE EUTHANISE ME#good NIGHT !!!!!!#pickles not picked btw but i’m not retyping all of that#now i’m sad bc i’m out of pickles and it’s 10pm and everything is shut:( hate my stupid gay life
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sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all
My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.
#Its so shocking whenever anybody mentions that fic to me#like its just such a specific combo of interests how are there this many people interested in it...#I have some fragments of unfinished chapters for it laying around but I was struggling to get them to work#and I definitely dont have the motivation to finish them now#If youre curious the chapters were going to be Slaughter avatar miss Power and Web avatar Mr Big#and possibly Flesh avatar Butcher but I never got around to starting that one#The Miss Power chapter was basically going to be about her having kind of lost her thread#I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity as to what happened with her home planet#but she hadnt been in contact with them for agessssss and her radio is damaged and her ship is in bad shape#the chapter was just going to be her being like 'pfff I dont interpersonal connection Im doing great out here. Murdering. All on my own'#Well she has her little squirl thing but she treats him like an animal#mr giggle cheeks or whatever#anyway I wanted it to imply that whatever happened her bloodthirst was destroying her#The Mr Big chapter was from Lesley's perspective#She would have been one in a long long line of assistants that Mr Big went through like candy#Lesley is his favorite though because. while she is terrified of him. shes still willing to push him. to be honest with him#but she also knows exactly when to step off. when to lie to appease him#( its always a tossup as to whether he wants a sweet lie or the harsh truth that day. He can always tell either way#its a gamble he does to be cruel. She always picks right though. or maybe he's more lenient with her than he should be)#He likes that she knows exactly how to push him without ever stepping over the line#He likes that her guilt and revulsion are slowly eating her up inside but shes too selfish to leave#She likes being special. She likes the idea of ruling the world alongside him#She'll always be second in command but shell be so much higher than everyone else#and shes willing to do anything to get that#Mr big doesnt think shell ever make it that far#but he likes her anyway#shes the one assistant he'll be sad about dying#OK damn apparently I did still have things to say about this old fic DAMN#still not gonna finish it tho. they call me the struggler becaus.e writing is a struggle...
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🧸♡ ⋆。˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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day 15 except i got busy with school and wasnt able to draw and had to get caught up so i drew it way later but i got caugh tup so whatever,,,
#i lvoe soho i used to listen to so many covers with him#i had taht one bacterial contamination one on loop#peace anf love soho#soho#digital art#mine#my art#fanart#vocal synth#utau#doodle#expulsion lore has changed such taht it will be announced on monday#i think it is likely because even though i got caught up on the work i was supposed to#my art teacehr set me an impossible task despite knowing ill get expelled for failing it#she told me that i should not feel safe even though i got caught up on my other work because im not safe#like ok thanks i suppose i feel so supported by the staff and teachers of this school#even if they dont expell me i might just drop out because why is everyone always out to get me#whatever who care#it was sunny today and it will be storming tomorrow peace and love#also im going to post the art for the other days i missed now#i was going to post them all at once in one post but i decided against that#i still need to draw todays drawing also but ill do that later#very sad that i failed my drawing challenge cries#sorry to dissapoint
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I forgot I followed the mom of someone I'm not friends with anymore and a picture of them was in it and I barely even recognized her
#ugh im embarrassed that i liked tge post but whatever#also its sad its been that long#her hair grew out and they look how ive imagined them to with longer hair#ive managed to not think about them for a while and now a post of her shows up#i still miss her even though i get why we're not friends anymore#i wonder if ill get blocked by her mom#my ex friend hasnt blocked me so i guess i doubt it but whatever#SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHH#bnuuyposting#oversharong ..
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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to
#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something#and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na#it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you#i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me#im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my#house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama#i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single#day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so#tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up#but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet#tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies#we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless#talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them#to fill the gap the empty space#well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the#same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately#trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt#okay im definitely pmsing but whatever
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hi im gonna sadpost for a bit
#talkys#down here hee hee#anyway#i keep getting really sad about like. I'm Only Getting Older. When Will I Find My Person.#but its not even in a ''older = no one will want me'' way#its more like. i want them Now. we only have so much time on this earnth i want as much time with this person as possible and im missing#out on so much of it#literally that ''i wish id met you sooner'' post. with the carly rae jepsen lyrics and everything.#i dont even Have em yet and i already wish id met em sooner#i dont even have em yet and im already wondering how i ever lived life without em. bc im living out the answer right now#and it is‚ well. very miserably. im doing very miserably without em.#im optimistically jealous of future me#while also hoping this future me is very very very soon into future me#i want to be there Now. time is being wasted right now without you‚ wherever you are#(saying this as if its ever gonna happen again + as if i wont have to go thru heartbreak 50 more times before ever MAYBE finding a good fit#but whatever. im really trying to stay in the deluded ''im excited for it to happen'' boat instead of the Get Real Lmao. If It Had Never#Happened Once It Still Wouldn't've Happened/No One Is Around or In Line to#Date You Soooooo Get Used to Another Few Decades of Nothing and No One boat. wah#anyway. sad !
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.
#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect#surely that aspect of my being is evil of me#pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore#not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter?#like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them#&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege'#required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like#im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month#and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt#because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me#like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like#idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever#like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off#because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit!#i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it#like it had fucking anything to do with you#like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not#ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now#becomes normal once its them or some shit
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update on gf situation btw . for those who r curious or sent asks etc
#v soon after i asked for advice i talked to her and asked her why she doesnt draw anymore n abt other stuff etc etc#she basically said she doesnt feel at all content rn but she will start again once she feels better . which is so understandable#and im also glad to hear she still does love what she loved etc...just several factors in her life are making her . discontent atm#one of them (i think a big one maybe) is me being gone for like a month . we stayed w each other a lot b4 this#so the wait has been Agonising for both of us and i just didnt realise how much she missed me . which is like . idk . shes so sweet i love#her so much and while im sad my absence is contributing to her current situation im like. woah...there is someone who misses me so much.wow#i also need to like tripple clarify bc my post asking for advice was vague and i feel like it was misinterpreted a lot :#my gf is not confused abt what she wants to do + i am not using romantic relationships as a career progression device + i do in fact have#friends and a life outside academia and am aware that i too could just as easily become disconent w my work#life etc or even lose all my passion for whatever reason + i do not in fact . only love my gf for her art. i love her for everything she is#which includes smn who is very passionate abt art which is why i was concerned etc etc . anyway#we talked abt it and i now understand things more and also will hold her through it until she feels more content again#and then ill keep holding her through everything good and bad for as long as i can :) i love her sosososososo much#and also i miss her so much and if i dont see her soon ill Perish and Die . anyway
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if i am the only one in the house with covid then like sure thats great and lovely and im glad but also like. my heart is just breaking bc my gf is downstairs and if im positive i dont even get to touch them again before they leave and im trying to be brave about it but it isnt working
#and im supposed to go see them for their graduation in like less than 3 weeks and i already was going to be hurting over plane ticket#but like to miss an Entire paycheck AND have covered shifts on my fucking vacation#im being angry to distract from being deeply fucking sad#there is nothing good there is nothing happy i thought i had one more night to hold them and i dont#on the bright side we have started looking at apartments. i'll be with them by april forever.#we'll have a place thats ours and we'll never have to leave each other again#saying goodbye gets harder for me every time but i might not even get a proper goodbye#and im really really relieved they tested negative im just miserable everything abt this is miserable#whatever i hope i explode every day until april#and like i dont even have anything comforting right now bc it all just feels so deeply fucking hollow n miserable bc jackie is Right There#negative#sickly victorian posting#speaking
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sighhhhhhhhhhh
#ever since i started realizing my hyperindependence was a defense mechinism and not a clever strategy ive been getting so sentimental#i keep randomly thinking 'man i should go check my twitter account and see how it's going there' and then i remember i havent had that#account in 1.5yrs and even before i deactivated the dynamic was so screwed anyway that i couldnt just waltz back in like nothing happened#not to mention that half the reason i even looked at twitter is no longer available as a feature. and then i don't have a substitute either#i think this is happening bc in accepting that i am fundamentally not built to succeed as an independent/isolated entity i am also allowing#myself to miss things that i tried really hard to hide behind walls bc i felt like they were counterproductive to my growth#and like. i think that was actually true for a while and i really did need to build this healthy sense of self-prioritization so that#i could heal all the wounds that caused me to behave in a codependent and self destructive way. but now i've achieved that goal. it's done.#so keeping those same restrictions around after they served their purpose was just holding me in place bc i've outgrown them#this has def been the scariest thing to face thus far bc it felt so contradictory to my overall goal of Not Being Codependent and that by#accepting this unchangeable condition all the work i put into that would be undone. but. both things can be true. there's always balance#so yeah all this sentimental stuff coming up i guess is like. i never 'forgot' anything but i only let myself think about it rationally#and now i'm going back through all of the memories and allowing myself to feel them emotionally again. mannn this i why i love psychology#like yeah i miss these things but ive also accepted that things had to change for a reason. i wont say the thing but. yknow. and that's ok#by doing the rationality work first i can now think back on these experiences and feel the happiness without the sadness of 'losing' them#it's been really difficult working through this stuff but im glad ive reached this point where i can accept myself limitations and all#and i get the feeling that having this deeper openness to whatever the future holds will end up being pretty worthwhile
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.
vent ahead, sorry
#hey woo look it's missing my ex boyfriend hours!...#i was happy from breaking up for a minute and now im just so sad. i miss him he was my best friend since childhood and now#we havent spoken for month and half so far#it sucks so much i hate it here. i keep hoping hed reach out to me one day. not to date again but just not to pretend were strangers anymore#i wish i could tell him about my work. about dumb things my cat does. about dumb things i do.#i wish i could listen to him telling me whatever as long as its not hurtful. i wish i was better and didnt expect too much.#i wish my self esteem was higher so i wouldnt regret things i did that i was sure were best in the situation we faced.#i wish i were able to be more helpful and supportive. i thought i was and turns out it was received in an opposite way.#i wish i could send him memes or tell jokes or send uquiz links or picrews#i dont know when it all went wrong man i thought everything was good and everything was falling apart while i didnt even notice.#i hate how short it took to end 15 years of being friends. i hate how i cant even relate to his situation because mine is so similar yet#yet it affected us in such different ways. i hate i wasnt able to do more. i hate that he didnt do more.#i hate that im blaming him for things he has no say in. im angry at being helpless and unable to change anything.#i hate that he told me he loved me amd that he wanted to live with me and then broke up with me less than a month later.#i hate that i made him break up with me. i hate that i put so much hope and emotions and work in it and that he told me he cared#but it was me who was ready to go anywhere for him and do anything for him and it wasnt the other way.#i want to say so much and yell and cry and apologise and yell again but at myself this time and bash my head against the wall#i want to know that someone cares about me as much as i care about them. but it wasnt this relationship but he was my best friend#and i wish i could say that i wish we never dated but i dont because i was happy and i hoped we were happy together.#and every time i asked it was okay and fine and good until suddenly it hasnt been for months and i never knew because he never told me#and i know i cant read minds but i wish i was able to tell the signs. i wish i was less selfish. i thought he wanted what i want#but telling stories about living together and setting up furniture or having pets together was what i thought was for us but was for me only#and i didnt even know#i thought wed be friends forever. yes i thought wed live together as partners too but he was my best friend and i lost him and all i can do#is to cry about it.
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Okay I haaaate to complain cuz I do love J Michael Tatum but man, I gotta be honest. I don't think Cid's voice should be that deep and I think his accent isn't strong enough. Chris Edgerly definitely had the right voice for Cid but at the same time I think his acting was a little. Lacking. But I'd still rather have him back 😔
#tatum im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry#i love you sir but man idk about this. im sure a lot of this is just due to the change cuz i was like that about cloud and tifa in part 1#but ive gotten used to them now. like i think cloud's va has the perfect voice he just cant really act for shit#and cait sounds basically the same thanks to the accent. plus the va barely sounds like a different person in the first place#but its SO noticable and new with cid AND different. i miss the raspiness of edgerly's voice..... it just felt so accurate#like yeah maybe cid SHOULD be a little grating to listen to. the man fuckin smokes after all#tho okay yeah his voice is deeper in jp compared to edgerly so okay okay okay whatever i guess. im still sad tho.#but hey at least tatum voicing him gives me another reason to call cid gay lmao#rebirth spoilers#personal
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also having now actually seen the whole thing adventure time has skyrocketed into one of my favorite shows ever. like for real i liked it as a kid and have always had a fondness for it ever since but rewatching it now has made me realize Just how fucking good it is and how unlike anything else it is. its so good and appeals to ME specifically in so many ways please for the love of god if you haven't watched adventure time WATCH IT. WATCH IT RIGHT NOW
#ALSO. i think i may have mentioned this before but i really do think AT has one of the best senses of worldbuilding and continuity#i've seen in a cartoon. other than like steven universe maybe (gee i wonder how that happened)#but seriously like the fact that its able to be so goofy and weird a lot of the time while still constantly keeping in mind all these thing#and having them inform the story and world in realistic ways is so good it has really blown my mind#nothing is ever retconned nothing is ever forgotten about. even the seemingly most meaningless things will still be remembered#and referenced by the characters because thats how people are!! they dont just have stuff happen to and around them and then never#bring it up again!! but they also dont constantly go ''remember when we did xyz?'' stuff just comes up naturally if it makes sense#for it to do so. and i think thats so fucking incredible and admirable#AT's flavor of weirdness and comedy and raw emotion is something so wonderful and perfectly aligned with how i like my stories#and it really does have a vibe that is unlike anything else. i am going to cry thinking about it#like the closest thing i can think of. and lord forgive me but im being genuine in terms of vibes closest thing i can think of that#i've experienced at least is dsmp. in the way that there are things that are so fucking dumb and strange and things that are so gut#wrenchingly emotional and beautiful and simple and often those things are intertwined. its stupid and weird and funny and sad#its silly its dark its fun its tragic#something about both of them just feels like a representation of the human spirit in its purest form to me. they impact me the most#because they represent all sides and experiences of existing#idk. but ive always felt like this even before i got into AT again. i said a while ago if dsmp was made into a show it would HAVE to#be an adventure time style cartoon. and every time i see fanart drawn in the AT style or whatever it makes me so happy even now#ANYWAYS. sorry to derail but i really have missed the vibes of the dsmp and in a weird way AT felt a lot similar and i really love that#FUCKKKK not me getting emotional over the indominable human spirit. im gonna go saw my legs off BYE I LOVE ADVENTURE TIME#serena.txt
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