#so like. this person either managed to fake their way thru a test or. /someone/ *cough* just let them pass w/o looking over the work

[riarnu]

:u

[stressedspidergirlsfandomblog]

Okay, so imagine this

Kaer Morhen is a place that little boys go to die, if they’re lucky, or they become witchers. 

(In some ways, Strangers Like Me is what fucking ran thru my head literally all night last night. I wrote nothing, I could not sleep, and my brain SPIRALED all over this)

And somehow, despite the world beating him down and beating him down and beating him down and shelling him out over and over, he runs into an idiot bard who has no fear of him. Who slowly goes from thinking he’s a simpleton to realizing there is a man in there, a boiling seething lake of feelings and anger overtopped by a thick layer of ice. And the bard makes it his life’s mission to help him learn that he is human. (the whole fic idea is more Geraskier, but it has to START the development elsewhere)

he also bumps sorceress who teaches him love and anger and all sorts of other things -fancy table manners, philosophy etc. He has access to things with her he’d never have had in the keep. She teaches him how to eat chicken on the bone with a fork and knife (book canon), and all the other fancy utensils because he’s a person dammit and he should know that his napkin goes in his lap. He devours her books, and since she can read minds she can draw out the conversations from him. She teaches him how to have those conversations and those debates. 

TWs for all the canon compliant fucking misery that is Geralt’s life. Child abuse, neglect, assault, etc. 

Geralt is incapable of believing good about himself, or expressing himself normally or knowing what to do in social situations. He mimics, he copies, he attempts to replicate, but if the situation changes he isn’t sure what to do. 

Trauma gives us 4 options. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. He knows how to fight, but sometimes it leads him to battles he’ll never win. Flight is usually safest. Freeze can also work well, but he doesn’t know how to fawn, no one’s praised him enough or taught him how to give praise or fake affection in turn. Usually, he chooses to freeze until he can assess better. If there’s no blades drawn, it is time to freeze. 

( I am looking at this purely from a child abuse perspective) 

He has no idea what to make of Yennefer. She is rage, and greed, and feelings, and luxury. She teaches him to fight back. She teaches him you can be angry and people will not always leave you. Some children/adults will do anything to please someone in hopes of affection until they feel safe, and they begin to test boundaries. And with Yennefer, he’s allowed. Neither one of them knows how to process emotions in a healthy way, not really. But if she wants to throw a jam jar at the wall -not at him, never at him. She doesn’t want to hurt him. She’s just angry and has to break something. Better the jar than herself. Or him. He learns to stomp and yell right back, to knock things off the dresser or desk. Maybe it’s not a good lesson, but it’s something. 

She teaches him choice in bed. He’s never had choice in bed, he’s never made love. He has had sex. Voluntary, involuntary. Me for her, let the girl go, use me instead. He heals. He always heals. He can kill them if he wants to, but that raises more problems than it solves. Kaer Morhen has no women. He learns very little about making love there, either, feelings are forbidden. However, he learns to keep himself silent and still as his cock is stroked, he learns to not let the bed so much as creak the slightest bit, not the softest change in his breathing. He learns how to use precum as lubricant because there is nothing else, and while he doesn’t learn how to kiss, or fuck, he learns how to touch. There’s no kind of education like that. It’s control, management of pain, seeking approval from people who rarely give it. 

Yennefer gives him approval. She gives him choice, and she teaches him to move his hips. She teaches him it’s alright to breathe through it, to beg for it, to twitch, it’s okay to want something for himself. He can’t reconcile it, can’t adapt well to it. But in bed, with her, he allows himself to be freer. It doesn’t translate for him, into other situations. His learning is contextual. He has trouble applying the lessons she tries to teach him to other social situations. He can fight back with her because she likes him. He can argue with her about books because she starts the conversation for him because he doesn’t know how. He is heinously smart, he can read, write, and speak at least three languages, he can synthesize information so quickly it stuns her. If he’d been chosen as a mage, if he could access the Source, he would set the world on fire. 

She teaches him to say ‘no.’ It’s not something he knew he could do. Not outside of negotiating a contract. Most of his world is lived inside of his own head because he isn’t allowed to offer opinions unless someone asks. Other than contracts. There is a script, there are rules, he can say ‘I won’t kill that’ or ‘that’s not enough coin’ or ‘no.’ Those situations he can talk freely and articulately. 

They experiment in bed, to a point. She can tell when he’s getting cagey and stops. She never makes him say ‘no’, never lets it get that far, because she knows he’ll freeze. When he’s vaguely curious about light bondage she simply tells him to see if he can even stand to put his palms on the headboard and not touch her. He can’t. He can’t stand it if she won’t touch him, either, when she offers to return the favor and see if he likes that edge of control. He doesn’t. She’s had other lovers, but none like him. None as broken and angry as she is. (The book says, it flat out says, they did not know HOW to be kind, but they wanted to be, and so they were, when it describes how they make love.) They try other things, some things he more tolerates than enjoys -the unicorn. But he doesn’t hate it, he just doesn’t prefer it. 

He can’t admit to feelings, he can’t admit to loving her, and so she can’t tell him because he isn’t ready to hear it. He can’t believe any of it, and so she can’t say a word. Telling him would chase him out of her life forever. When he tries to share things with her, when he tries to push himself to describe any part of himself, she listens. She uses many of his failings against him when they fight, but never what he tells her in confidence and struggle and broken words. When he tells her ‘they botched it’ meaning they botched him, he’s worthless, not made right, and horrible, she tells him perhaps she is the same. 

Eventually the fighting is too much, the frustration at themselves is too much. They can’t heal each other. What they need doesn’t line up yet. 

They break apart and he travels again, happy to reunite with Jaskier. Not that he understands that feeling. But something feels ...easier, with the bard around. He tries on occasion to engage in conversations, just sharing a random fact or quote with the bard and Jaskier doesn’t realize what Geralt is doing for weeks until Geralt stops and he finally asks him what his quote of the day is. Geralt visibly perks and Jaskier finally understands what Geralt has been trying to tell him. He finally asks the right question and Geralt talks to him for hours, long after the sun sets, as animated as his training allows him to be, describing how he’s connected this human myth to an elvish historical event that is corroborated by the dwarves, he had to read it in Elvish, and also Dwarfish, but he can’t find a written version of the myth he’s only heard it spoken or sung. 

Jaskier takes him to Oxenfurt and leads him in and out of guest lectures. They sit in the back so Geralt can hide, because that’s what he does. Don’t look people in the eye unless they tell you to. Don’t look up, don’t be big, don’t exist if you can help it. And he hides and scrunches in on himself, but he listens, and the bard lets him pore over libraries and scares off anyone who would complain at a mutant witcher touching precious tomes. Geralt is gentle, and careful, and sweet, and he deserves to read what he wants, he deserves answers to questions about the world he could never find in Kaer Morhen where his only training was how to survive as a witcher. 

Jaskier teaches him how to answer the question asked, not just say what he thinks people want to hear. That’s not what I asked you. I asked what your preference was. He learns that Geralt was very much raised to believe children should be seen and not heard, in terms of himself. He doesn’t speak up, doesn’t offer anything unless asked. Not unless it’s about witchering, then he is allowed. And so he makes sure to ask. Are you hungry? Would you like to stop for the night, too? Does that hurt, it looks like it hurts. And Geralt learns to listen to the words, and he learns if asked, he is allowed to speak for himself. He doesn’t have to do what he thinks Jaskier wants. Unless prompted, around people, he rarely speaks, rarely converses, and just tries not to be terrifying. Keeps his head down, hood up, he doesn’t want to be hurt. He’s sick of being hurt. He’s sick of going hungry, he is sick of being miserable. And he has found if he is invisible, people leave him alone. He doesn’t get stoned, he doesn’t get beaten, he doesn’t get chased out for just wanting a bed to sleep in and a warm meal. If he doesn’t take up space, he can exist. Jaskier speaks for him, people think perhaps he’s a simpleton who the bard travels with, they don’t know the quick mind behind the eyes focused firmly on the ground. 

It constantly breaks Jaskier’s heart. He has never seen Geralt smile. He has never heard him laugh. He has heard him talk with intonation on occasion, and usually only when reciting what he’s been told. He is an incredible mimic for tone and pitch and it astounds the bard. When he asks Were you even listening to me at all?  and Geralt begins reciting everything he had said, with perfect inflection, since Geralt’s last one word response, perfect tone, perfect everything other than he doesn’t change his voice, his gravelly voice will never soar into tenor heights. 

Children, ones who don’t know what he is, love him. Parents who don’t know, don’t see the swords strapped to Roach, they don’t mind the bard’s pet simpleton playing pat-a-cake with their children, they don’t mind them teaching him to make flower crowns. Or watching them draw in the dirt. The children never think he’s stupid, they like him all the more for knowing they aren’t, either. He lets them pet his horse, and boosts them into the saddle. He helps them reach fruit on tree branches, and pulls down prickly berry vines full of blackberries so they can gorge on the sweet fruit. Jaskier loves watching him with children, because he’s less guarded. He starts out small, makes himself so small, so nonthreatening, and when the children realize he’s happy to play with them, he relaxes. The tension leaves him and the villagers ignore him. Any adult stupid enough to want to play with children, to humor them, and listen to their stories can’t be right in the head. The bard’s assurances he won’t touch them or hurt them goes a long way. 

He used to freeze and flinch and shudder whenever Jaskier touched him, because he could not understand. He still doesn’t. Emotions make no sense, touching for affection that isn’t between lovers makes no sense. Jaskier stays with him, so they must be friends. He’d admit it openly if asked. He doesn’t understand he loves the other man. He wouldn’t know that’s what he was feeling even if he was told. He feels nothing, it’s a scooped out shell, there is nothing inside of him other than sometimes anger. That’s why he had to leave Yennefer. She was the sun and he just reflected her warmth, he had nothing of his own to give back. 

Patently untrue, but there’s nothing that would convince him otherwise and Jaskier doesn’t try. Geralt is ridiculously capable and educated, and wonderful and the bard does what he can to praise him when he can because he knows Geralt needs to hear it. No one praised him or loved him as a child. Hugs are still foreign and after years of them his first instinct is still to flinch. He will sleep comfortably draped across the bard, or with the bard curled into him. He doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t have the same personal boundaries other people do. If he’s cold, and Jaskier is there, he sees no reason not to share heat. 

It had given the bard heart failure when they’d been sitting around the fire after eating and Geralt had just started pleasuring himself without understanding why that might not be socially acceptable. He’d offered to help the bard first. Not wanting to give Geralt another reason to be ashamed, or small, or scared, he had declined, and wondered in what world could a boy grow up afraid of being held, but feel perfectly comfortable jerking himself off in the company of others. What had been even odder was the witcher had continued their conversation as though this was normal. Hadn’t lost focus, his breathing had never changed, he hadn’t seemed to take much pleasure from his actions, and Jaskier couldn’t understand why he was doing it. 

It had made his heart hurt in new ways. It’s a perfunctory action, meant to relieve an itch, not something for pleasure’s sake alone. Everything he does has function and reason and logic. 

When they run into people Jaskier knows, and they want to talk to the white wolf, or see him, or bother him, Jaskier tells them to leave him be. He won’t talk to them. His poor witcher gains a bit of a reputation as being a tame monster, trailing his bard on a leash and killing monsters as directed. 

When they’re low on grain for the horses, he goes to busk and see if he can drum up coin. When he comes back to pay the stablemaster, the last thing he expects is for Geralt to be paying with his body, a blank expression on his face as he braces himself against the door of an empty stall. He looks at Jaskier without any kind of shame, any understanding of what’s happening to him because he needs feed for Roach, and she needs a warm place to sleep out of the muck during the rainy seasons. Her hooves need to be dried out, he needs to borrow tools to clean the frogs and check her shoes. He might need the services of a ferrier. He’ll get a bit of coin for this and then some extra. If it isn’t sex with a lover, it’s just a transaction, what should he care? The bard escapes when he realizes only Geralt saw, and pukes his guts up into the gutters. He’d have tried to stop it, but the stablemaster was bigger than he was and he couldn’t take the risk the man would hurt Geralt. 

The horses taken care of, Jaskier uses the coin he’d earned to have a bath drawn up and helps Geralt bathe until all trace of stable is washed away. He tries to ask, and when Geralt openly tells him it’s just better that way, he bites his tongue so hard it bleeds rather than reply or push the issue. He has coin, they’re fine, Geralt won’t need to do that again while they’re together. 

He notices how the witcher gets thinner after, stress and shame eating his insides even if he won’t admit it. He’d been the heaviest Jaskier had ever seen him after living with Yennefer for a few years. Healthy. Shiny hair, bright eyes, enough meat over his bones to hide them. Slowly his spine creeps through his skin and the bard can count the vertebrae. It will pass, and he realizes he’s seen this pattern. This has happened before he just hadn’t seen. It passes, Geralt finds lucrative contracts, and his body fills back out. 

They continue to work on what feelings are. Geralt remains baffled by the fact the bard will not bed him in any capacity, and doesn’t understand why they can’t share a little pleasure. Jaskier knows if he gives in, Geralt will never let it progress beyond more than just skin on skin. He’ll never understand it could be more. He has to wait, he has to keep pushing for the witcher to understand there is more. 

They happen upon a town, and a small girl, perhaps three or four years old, picks flowers by the side of the road. There’s a house visible in the distance, but it’s awfully far for a small child to have wandered. Geralt immediately looks around for a dead body, half expecting to find the child’s mother dead in a ditch. Nothing. When she notices his hair peeking out from under his cloak as he crouches down to talk to her, she pushes the fabric off his head to twirl her fingers into his hair. He barely breathes as he asks her where her ma and pa are. She points at the house and said she wanted the orange flowers. He looks over and sees that while there are what seems like thousands of wildflowers much closer, none are the color she’s currently collecting. The child will be missed soon enough, he supposes as he offers her a seat on his shoulder. Before she accepts, she splays small fingers under his eye and he freezes, waiting for her to scream or reject him. She simply says ‘pretty.’ When he lifts her up, she tangles a hand back into his hair to help her hold on and keep her balance. She stuffs the flowers into her small apron -probably made more to humor her than for any practical purpose, and occasionally pats Geralt’s head and tells him again, his hair is pretty and he’s nice to take her home. 

When screaming reaches his ears, he knows the little girl’s name is Ivana, and he tells Jaskier, “Make noise, her mother is in the fields looking for her.” The bard’s trained lungs will project far better than his will. His lungs are trained to breathe evenly and slowly in all things. He will endure if he keeps his heart slow and his breathing calm. 

“Over here! We’ve found her!” Jaskier calls, his voice ringing stridently over the fields. He’s not sure how she could hear him from so far that only Geralt can hear her frantic calls, but all the same he sees how Geralt tilts his head and nods to himself. 

They speed up, Geralt’s stride long and even as the woman comes pelting across the grass, crushing flowers, and her skirts hiked up over her knees to keep them out of her way. She gasps slightly when she sees Geralt and the brightly dressed bard, not sure what they will do to her or her daughter. She can see the swords on the roan mare. “I haven’t coin, please don’t hurt her,” she says. 

Jaskier feels Geralt shrivel. “We just saw her picking flowers and knew she’d be missing,” he explains. “We don’t want coin. Not for returning a toddler to her mother,” he protests. When she reaches out for her child, and Geralt obliges by leaning to hand her off, the girl shrieks in displeasure. 

Geralt freezes, one arm half coming up to ward the mother off, but unsure. Why wouldn’t she want to go back? It’s Jaskier who saves the situation by laughing. “I see she’s gotten quite attached,” he tells the anxious mother. “Here, Ivana, come down, he’s very tired and he’s not a pony. You brought flowers for your ma, didn’t you? You can’t show her very well from up there,” and holds out his arms. The girl allows Geralt to pass her over, and he swiftly deposits her on the ground where her mother relaxes immediately. She shows the flowers, and offers Geralt one. 

“Are you a witcher?” she asks. 

“Yes,” Geralt says, careful not to open his mouth too much. His teeth are a bit too white, and his canines a bit too sharp. Not fangs, but some people choose to see them that way. They’d grown in sharper when he’d lost his baby teeth, he’d seen plenty of other humans with teeth like his, but against his pale skin and yellow eyes, the effect was more noticeable. More monstrous. 

“There’s a wyvern, my man, when he gets back from ploughing, he can show you. I see Ivana has taken to you. If you’ll watch her while I bundle herbs, I’ll feed you both lunch.” She isn’t afraid of witchers. “We don’t have much coin, but there’s a bounty on the beast, you can turn it in, if you travel up the road a bit. In the mean time, I can offer you a place to sleep, some feed for your horse, and a meal in a few hours once I’ve finished my tasks.” 

Jaskier knows Geralt is well pleased with the idea just from the shift of his shoulders. “Geralt’s a wonderful babysitter,” he smiles. “I can help you with the chores, I’m sure. Just put me to work. My name is Jaskier, that is Geralt, and you are?” 

“Oh gods above, I’m so sorry, I’m Melina.” She reaches out to shake Jaskier’s hand and the bard accepts warmly, but when she tries to do the same for Geralt the bard gives her a look and she drops her hand. Odd. “Ivana, you mind Master Geralt, or I’ll give you such a hiding you won’t sit for weeks, do you hear me?” 

“Yes, Mama,” she promises. “I will show him where to put the horse,” she says proudly and Geralt makes a ‘lead the way’ gesture at her with a little bow that makes her giggle. He takes Roach’s reins from Jaskier and follows the girl child to the barn. 

“He won’t hurt her?” 

“No, he’d die in her defense in a heartbeat.” 

“But he can’t shake hands?” 

“He wouldn’t know that’s what you wanted,” Jaskier tells her. Not sure if that makes it worse or puts her more at ease. “You don’t seem much afraid of him, considering how we started.” 

“Witchers help people,” she smiles faintly. “My pa would have died long before he met my ma if not for a witcher who saved him on the road. Took a bad rake across his face, though, the witcher. My Pa taught us, even if we don’t know much reading or writing, history turns. People used to trust witchers. Then they tried to kill them all. And they’ll trust them again. Any man willing to risk dying to save others can’t be all bad.” 

“That is what I’ve been saying.” He glances up to see the black-clad witcher come back into view with Ivana swinging his hand happily. He can’t hear her, but he knows she is chattering nonstop. 

“Is he... simple?” she asks softly, watching as her daughter teaches Geralt a new clapping game he hasn’t seen before. He seems to be devoting all his energy to the game. 

“No,” Jaskier breathes. “No, he’s brilliant,” his heart aches. “Will they be alright out here, your man won’t come home and try and beat him with a stick?” 

“No, Roddy would never. He’ll come from the back fields as is. My Roderick is a good man. How could he hit your Geralt for playing with our daughter?” 

“People have done worse for far less,” Jaskier says bitterly. He has no idea why he’s sharing with her. Perhaps months on the road of people being truly horrible to Geralt have made him desperate to talk to someone who isn’t. Someone who is kind. 

“I see.” She shows Jaskier the herbs she’s drying, some to sell, some for home remedies. Vegetables to jar and pickle, and hundreds of other small tasks made near impossible by having a small child to mind. “My boys help their father in the fields, so that he can work on other tasks once they can manage the rest.” As the bard gets the knack for how to tie the herbs, she watches him a few seconds. “So what’s wrong with him?” 

“Nothing,” Jaskier protests. “Nothing at all,” he aches for Geralt. “People, people are the ones who are wrong. He does everything he can to not draw attention. The less he talks, the less he moves, the less people notice and the less likely they are to-” His head snaps up when he hears a husky chuckle from outside. “Your man early?” 

“No, he doesn’t laugh like that,” she says. 

“Who the fuck is that then?” he demands, peering from the small window. Ivana is pointing at something dramatically and stamping a foot and he realizes the laugh is Geralt. His heart squeezes and he blinks rapidly. He hadn’t known Geralt could laugh. Not in all the years they’d been travelling together. “Oh,” he gasps, the wind knocked out of him. 

“Let them be, if she starts to have a true tantrum I’ll rescue him. It’s about time for her to nap, she’ll be fussy soon enough.” 

“Eh, he’ll be fine,” Jaskier tells her, rubbing at his eyes with a knuckle. “He’s faced worse than a grumpy toddler before.” 

“Perhaps, Master Jaskier. But he cannot swing his sword to stop her from inconveniencing him.” 

“He would never. Although, he might turn tail and run in here, seeking rescue,” he tries to turn the conversation somewhere else. 

[bnha-headcanons-and-shit]

Broken inside [Psychopath!Overhaul x Reader] part 8

You took a deep breath and tried to prices what just happened. There was no way you could get out of this alive.

‘Why? Why did it have to be Kai? Why!?’

“Oh... Um, hi Kai...” You managed to say. He responded back, with a smile on his face. Unlike your parents thought, you knew that that smile was fake. You knew what he really was, unlike them.

Your mother then went on and commented on how you already know each other and that that’ll make things easier. She then continued to talk about how they offered him to stay as hr lived alone without his parents, and as your parents were about to go on a long trip regarding their job, they thought it would be a good idea to let him stay with you. As much as you wanted to say that you don’t approve of that, there was no may for you do actually say it. Thru didn’t know his true nature. You couldn’t just give it away like it’s nothing.

The talking didn’t last as long as you wanted it to. Just a few minutes after, they were already leaving.

“Be good and don’t make any mess! And have fun of course!”, your mom said as she closed the door. You smiled back at her, fearing what was going to happen after she closes the door.

As the door were finally shut, you threw a look at Kai, fearing what he might do next. As the door were now shut, his friendly expression was gone back to the emotionless one. He looked at you for a brief moment, before turning towards the bathroom and going there.

You took a deep breath, trying to process everything.

You were now living in a house, with a boy, who was also a psychopath. You didn’t know what else he could do, other then strangling people. And probably killing someone with a knife. You weren’t even sure if it was safe to sleep anymore! Kai could easily kill you in your sleep, without hesitation. Again, he didn’t feel anything, why would he care.

You stood there, in the middle of the hallway, thinking about all the possible things that could happen, forgetting that he was in the bathroom.

“Will you just stand there all day?” You flinched at his response, turning towards him. “N-no, I’ll go to my room now. Will you-“

“He didn’t let you finish your sentence. He just went to the living room, sitting on the large sofa you had. He took out the phone he had and looked at it, probably trying to find something. You just hoped it wasn’t anything that could make you die.

You opened the door of your bedroom, entering it and closing it right away. As you looked around it, you could see that 2 large bags were next to the wardrobe that had a mirror on it. You sighed, not wanting to think about Kai for one moment. That was indeed hard, since he was in the room next to you. Your living room.

There was a question in your head. Should you tell this to Jessie? Would it be a good idea to do that? You had no clue if it would be damaging to you, as he could find out about it at one point. It was a game you had to play carefully, liking it or not.

You decided to stay quiet about it for an little more while. For now, you had to keep it low, not making any trouble about it.

Even if that meant not sleeping a lot, as you didn’t know if he would kill you or not.

*time skip to Monday*

“Wow (y/n), you look like you haven’t slept in days!”, Jana said. You wished you could tell her the truth about it, but there was no way it could happen. For now, it was better to be quiet about how you live with Kai.

“(y/n), what did I just hear? You live with Kai now, huh?”

‘Oh come on!!’

You took a deep breath before speaking back. “Yes, he lives with me while my parents are away”, you then paused to yawn before continuing. “You have a problem? And for your information, he sleeps in the living room.” There was no way you'd leave that detail out. Last thing you needed was people sharing gossips on how you sleep with him. That’s the last thing you needed.

“You’re no fun (y/n)!”, one of the girls said.

You ignored it, trying to find a nice place to put your head on and sleep a little. Before you could do that, Anastasia decided to talk to you.

“You didn’t get much sleep, did you?” You gave her a tried smile. “Yea, that’s the case. It’s kinda hard to, considering that I’m sleeping with a boy in my house.”

“Well, as long as nothing that’s not against your will happens, you’re gonna be fine!”, she jokely said. You wanted to protest with the whole ‘sleeping with a boy in the house' thing, you decided that it’s better not to. You didn’t want anyone to think something suspicious.

“Come on, get into the classroom!”

You flinched at the voice of Mr. Aizawa. You forgot that your first class was physics and, since you had a maximum amount of sleep for the weekend at 3 hours, you weren’t sure what to even do now. You shouldn’t sleep in class, but how were you supposed to function for 7 classes without much sleep!?

“Pay attention to this. It will be important and will be on the test”, Mr. Aizawa started talking about today’s lesson. You were partly awake at the time and you were struggling to stay up and not fall down onto the desk. You tried to keep your head up and look like you were actually paying attention, but no such luck for you. Again, you found yourself putting your head down on tot he desk, slightly looking up. You then notice Aizawa looking at your direction. You mentally curse yourself, expecting him to get angry with you and tell you to wake up. To your surprise, that didn’t happen. He walked this there rows, and while walking pass your desk, he murmured a word.

Sleep

You softly nodded him and put your head down on the desk. You let yourself drown into the dreams, softly falling asleep.

You felt a soft touch on you later on. You raise your head up and see Mr. Aizawa who just woke you up. It must me the end of class.

“I apologize for sleeping in the class! I was really tired and-“

“You don’t have to apologize for that. You didn’t have enough of sleep for some reason, I won’t ask why”, he started. “I know that it is to be without sleep for a day or two. You needed some sleep badly, I couldn’t let you be like that for the whole day. Now go out. You have English class next”.

With his words, you realized you didn’t sleep just one class, but two. That meant that you lost 2 classes of work. Good for you. Good that he didn’t get all the students out of the classroom so that you didn’t have to wake up. He was... Nice enough to do that for you. You had to return that with a good grade on the test, that’s for sure.

Next class was English, with that new teacher Yamada Hizashi. He was a teacher form Japan, just like Aizawa is. You kinda questioned why did they come there, as this country wasn’t really a special place. You didn’t complain, as they were both good teachers.

Today you noticed something different with Hizashi thought. He was normally really loud person, making sure everyone heard him. This time, he was more or less on a normal voice level. Weather that was because he wasn’t feeling okay or because Mr. Aizawa told him that you had a few sleepless nights was a mystery to you.

Either way, you were thankful that you had some more peace for yourself and sleep a bit more.

[a-memoir-of-me-blog]

control the population. population control. keep them at animal like behaviors. keep them asleep? yeah...no. if it affects the economy of the country you live in...it affects you! <3 but ofc....use the system to your advantage, always. lol. am i katniss

Yeeeooooo. They were on this since 1960s. Under "Subsistence Agriculture" heading. It says "the us and other industrialized countries sought to move farmers "beyond" subsistence into industrialized production as a part of development programs in 1960s"

They fucked knewwwww. They're developing hydroponics and vertical farms and NASA is working on making places on mars for this. And the population control had to come to a halt because too many people being born and not enough food. Bruhhhh

"A return in subsistence agriculture has taken hold in parts of the world where farmers feel production for the global market has not benefitted them either financially or culturally (and it's bad for their health with all the Monsanto shit). For example, indigenous people in the southern Mexican states of Oaxaca, Chiapas, and Guerrero have largely returned to subsistence agriculture. The nation reported in 2010 that Zapatista farmers have "in effect chosen to withdraw from the national economy, some weaning themselves off expensive chemical fertilizers and subsisting on corn they can grow, Harvest and barter""

AND ITS STILL GOOD. because ITS FOR THEIR OWN INTEREST. BUT ITS DIRECT TRADE. NO MEDIUM. BRUHH

Omg. Hunger games is fucking real. "Shifting cultivation....primarily found in tropical and subtropical zones where traditional farmers have to abandon plots of land after the soil become infertile".

BRUHHH. The SHIFT. Who's changing this? Who's making the weather bad?! Who's creating these wars to make all the land of FOOD die?! BRUHHHH. POPULATION FUCKING CONTROL

Texts to my first love:

-I fucking volunteer. The hunger games was a fucking warning

-him: idk babe but go for it. Like i have no idea about how and what a farmer in oaxaca, mexico do and shit and honestly really dont care what they do either.

-you should because this literally affects you in everyway (economics...duhhhh)

-him: how

-your health, your money, your freedom to do X Y Z because you are being fed this shit (like their freedom to be healthy...get food actually worth their dollar...etcetc, whole domino effect). There is war over this stuff bc we need land to live and make food and its all about primary means of survival. Literally everythinggggg

-him: who says the supermarket im going to is sourcing from this guy specifically. (omg...lol). Hun this has nothing to do with me fr. hahaha. Maybe to you cause you find it interesting but i know i dont

-no. It has everything to do with you (bc its economics duhhhh). Like literally the ground you are standing on

-him: no it doesnt. Farming outside of the country has nothing to do with my living location or situation

-not them specifically. But in these commercialized places and big agribusiness, they 1) underpay workers 2) keep them out and cant go to family and support them (with already not even enough money for adequate things) 3) their health is bad (pesticides, etc…) 4) their family will have family issues and the kids will also have issues and educational issues as well and are very vulnerable 5) leads to kids acting out and becoming a burden to not just parents but also the economy that they are within 6) the cycle will continue.

Omg. yes it does. This is what makes people sick and what makes land die and what makes food not available and waste water and we all have a war on this…

-him: where in the us do you see this (omgg….third world america. Ppl dying. Ppl getting kicked out of their homes. Its everywhere. It may not directly impact you, but damn, does it indirectly impact you…)

-if you havent noticed, the places war torn and having terrible health and are poor and having issues with their land and bad weather is all perpetuated by monsanto. These countries were the og agriculture that had an abundance of arable land and crops and now they are dying because of food greed. And its so funny bc we are killing the land we are fighting for and we are gonna end up with nothingggg. Bruh. we get our food out there (and that affects food prices and availability). Thats why VERTICAL FARMING and HYDROPONICS and INHABITING mars for that. Because we are literally running out of food for people and water and its all our fault and they cant even go to school because they have to pay for all of this and its just to survive. Like….what happened to having the pursuit of happiness, when all they are doing is just trying to survive, not die on the streets, etc….and its all bc the system and the greed. The greedy white man.

-him: this is on a country to country basis case. Their shitty living situation, education and all this is due to their gov neglect (yeah...neglecting them from being protected from americas corporate greed and their scam…) not US being the sole cause of this. But honestly i dont really for it to be frank. Im worried about actual shit in my life that im dealing with and not a mexican farmer in god knows where and his issues

-you NEED to care for this.omg. This literally causes ALL conflicts because of power issues and if you stand neutral, you chose the side of the oppressor. Power is fighting over needs of resources to survive, right? And people will rob them and hide them because greed and the need to hold power because they are threatened lololol. The powerful one will always want more and more and more (but if you become more than human and dont fall into your condition...then you will give it away. Go make more and more and improve it….) but then they realize they have too much and then will make someone exchange it for a fake ass inflated price with no intrinsic value that wont keep them alive (aka….money and material things) and bruh. Food and water is fucking PRICELESS. We will literally kill for that because it KEEPS US ALIVE. And if they keep killing and also contaminating it, then 1) we will all be bloody af 2) we will have water..but its all contaminated and 3) we will have too much of nothing….and even if things werent contaminated, the balance would be off. We would 1) have too much to consume and it will go to waste, we will be too hype and start having kids at an alarming rate and the baby boom will happen all over again...this literally involve you 100% and the only way i can see this cycle to stop is get out of it. Be more self reliant and community based.

-him: no it doesnt babe...like what 100% involves me is my living situation, work situation that im getting together (he’s moving out to ny for me :’D), school. Like shit that actually is right now affecting my life and i can actually manage and make a change in and not this.

-and really care for your neighbor

-that because the system set it up for you (thats why you need to know how to use it to your best ability and get out) and just continue it on and on and on and keep you working more, keep you held back, keep taxing you more, etcetc….thats like having the farmer work for all the food but doesnt get shittttt for his labor and only people they work under will reap the profits and the food (that they prob dont even want to eat themselves) that goes out to the market and they just keep them doing the sammmeeee thing day in and day out. Farmers dont even get to reap the benefits of their hard labor.

And yes. Take care of yourself now, definitely. But remember to always know the system and take it to your advantage and use it to better yourself. Thats what the system does, it is a literal test. And then you can do more global and huge scale things. Thats what everyone will do. Go thru the struggle of being in the system, find the benefits that are hidden and the keys to get out and milk it so hard and then you can work on what you want to work on for yourself and for others. Because you will only get what you give...do what you wanna do for yourself and others to continue this life and legacy that you have. Thats the give. U gotta give it all and give in to this wholly. And use it to your advantage and all the tools and your own mind and imagination and creation and then before you know it, youre creating your world around you and you dont even realize it...but yes. U give your effort and work for someone and/or something and use their benefit from it and their references (but never get stuck in that!!) and the experience that also happens along the way. Build on your foundation as you go thru it all. Get the good, defend from the bad. Attract the good. Make them want to go to you, and it only works with genuine and care. Thats literally what school and work is for and life. But always remember there is a bigger takeway from this than just the time you are going to sacrifice. Just a lot of people dont know what to take out of it and just study and get good grades and they dont know why they are doing it….or worse, they just start to work and get money and thats it….we are more than money and numbers...we are more than a made up value and we are more than just being in this infinite “time” of “things”. We’re timeless….

-him: thats all i wanna do. Use life experience, corporate experience, life experience all to my full advantage and be able to flourish to my beneift and with that give back fruit of my labor to you, my family, and our family one day. That is an attainable goal i can handle and accomplish

-me: yessss babe. Alwayssss remember to give back to the people around you and your neighbors and your community because theyre the ones who will remember you and care for you and come together for you because they know youre a good person who only helped them. Theyre youre team. Were all on each others team. Lol lorde is woke. I love her pure heroine album

And also be hellllaaaa aware and careful in the corporate world because they can definitely corrupt your mind and the government and the public. Dont become a spawn. Dont let them let you get lost in their sauce and keep you blind from YOUR real goal. They will try to enslave you with their money and their false power giving. So direct a lot of your energy into direct beneficial things. Like thats why im like “why dont corporations/unis/communities, give like not just education stipends, but like stipends that keep their health up” ex google. I think theyre a pretty sustainable and socially and environmentally friendly and conscious company and keep their employees healthy and top notch and best ability to work and not just give them insurance and healthcare (because why take care of it and spend mad money on it when it can be prevented….and with prevention, it is less and you get more out of it…). Like they let them get rest when they need to so they can be more productive and to their best ability and also keep them autonomous so they dont get burnout  and they get a share of their stock so they directly see the benefits going straight to them thanks to their hard work and commitment. And if it doesnt give that, invest money into like...things that keep not just your health up but also the planets. So you can stay away from bad health and then given “meds” to “fix” a “problem” they want you to think you have. And thats why i urge you to stop drinking and smoking all the time.