#im so exhausted and everything hurts all the time
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if y'all see me venting and deleting sorry I'm going through it rn
#personal#once a year at minimum I'm guaranteed a fucking regression like breakdown#its so fun < lying#thank gd im starting things this year to try and help my body/brain stop being like This#im so tired of constantly being on edge#it feels like it's been a week in my body every day that passes#im so exhausted and everything hurts all the time#hoping that helping the mental/trauma component of this fatigue a little helps me get at least a little control back in my life
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i am not immune to launchpad sol and albin thoughts
#ramble tag#its so like. okay.#launchpad was when they 'peaked'. best years of their lives#the . i think what we canonically know happened at launchpad was like.#laquidditch (fun!) christmas special adventures (fun!)#and then . also#getting deeply bullied. sol lightly kidnapped to launchpad. lizer. claudius. 'you made us run until we threw up' 'im pretty sure he got off#on torturing kids'. literally what the fuck was their deal#getting stuck in a spiders web ???? for a semester ?????#......??? getting chased down by a vaccum cleaner ..........#'it got a lot darker near the end' ... fun pretend child endangerment#like . man.#not to sound CRAZY or anything. does anyone get the impression launchpad was like. a bad ? time ? for them ?? like. it just straight up. bad#by god does it rlly sound to me like#the feeling of when high school was so bad it made ur life a living hell to be in. and u were truly just. surviving#but then youd b goofing off w ur friends in a little dorm. and the stress and the exhaustion seems to color everything that isnt that.#in a beautiful hazy rosy golden film#it hurt but the hurt was monotonous and dull. so all u remember were those shining bright in betweens#sol and albie sneaking into the kitchen and enchanting the self moving cookingware and just seeing what happens#and watching mothership approved saturday morning cartoons in bed#and studying together late at night n sol tucks albin in after hes crashed from hiss allnighter#and passing notes in class#and all that free time over crittermas breaks to do stupid dares and long rambling conversations abt nothing#sol knits albie his first sweater#they have their first beer together#they come back after a really bad day for the both of them and lie on the floor and talk abt anything but that#albin practices spells on sol and its not a good or safe idea but its probably fine#albin pettily bitching about his assigned partner for an arcana class project and sol blindly tsking his side always#only wizards can check out library books and albie checks out all sols books for him#...... anyway
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#jhhh I'm so fucking scared#im so exhausted and tired and i do not think i will pull this off#trying to move tomorrow and i. i have some help but#ii don't know if it's enough#I don't know if I've thought of everything in fact i know i haven't#and I'm so scared something I've missed is going to fuck me over#im trying so fucking hard I swear#i swear i swear i swear#ii just want this to work i just want something i do to finally work i#......i want help and i swear I'm trying so hard to ask for it but I'm so bad and it's so hard to find regardless#what if it's not enough what if I'm not enough what if i can't park what if i can't move everything what if#what if i didn't make a request to the damn place what if they don't let me do stuff tomorrow it was so hard getting this much help at all#ii don't think i can do it again *certainly* not in time#fuck fuck fuck fuck I'm so goddamn panicked I need to sleep but i CAN'T#gghhhh#....everything hurts so damn bad#iim barely gonna be able to help tomorrow i....#i hate this i hate being so useless#worthless just taking up space i#ffuck#im so tired
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debating whether 2 go to sleep or not
#i am very tired#but i am in a whimsy state i dont want to fast travel away from#but also the horrors have me#im being tossed between wahoo ! :] <3 comfort and Anguish#between wow everything is so good everything is ok to straight sobbing#more so in the opposite direction and then back again#but also i am So tired#body aches from emotions n exhaustion#ngl i felt such strong urges 2 sh but now i dont know if i even have the energy#i havent done it at all since my arm#and even that still hurts me literally everyday#its scarred over n has been for awhile now but it aches n tingles n burns#sometimes my whole forearm feels icy hot#and every time i wake up and straighten my arm its like im ripping it open inside it hurts so bad o(-<#but at the same time i need Hurt#i deserve it#& i want the bad feelings 2 go away#i want to just be able to sit in the joy n whimsy#i need to beat it out of me#its my fault its my feelings
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:)
#i’m so fucking done honestly#i’m so sick of feeling like shit#like how can i not have ONE good day lmaoooooooo it’s so stupid. as soon as things are going kinda well it’s just like 📉#everything hurts and i’m so fucking tired and i’m so dizzy and disoriented all the time#i don’t feel real i feel like im on a separate plane of existence than everyone else or even from where i was last year#i feel so locked out from the rest of society like what is even fucking going on#god i feel like shit#and it never ends either#it just continues to get worse#i’m so done#i just want to be done but nope i have years and years of this ahead of me#fuck#anyways#fuck it we ball!! :D#everything’s fine i’m just exhausted and idk how im going to make it through this year#but it’s fine i have good friends and family#it’ll be fine
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the effort i put into that last batch of oc answers rivals final assignment research papers
#head hurts eyes hurt i have been glued to my phone All Day but it was so so so much fun. the way i've been yapping since yesterday........#i really put Everything i have into these silly little asks.....im exhausted but pleasantly so#mariam shut up challenge#you really asked the best combination of questions res <3 hurt And comfort#i had the bestttttt time ever#im literally incapable of writing down a few lines. it's all or nothing
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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The mental illness is mental illness-ing.
#casually over sharing and dirty deleting all effing evening#im so fucking sad#and its so exhausting to never understand if im allowed to feel my feelings#to never really be sure if im over reacting#to feel so fucking much all the fucking time#to be hurt by everyone and everything and not be allowed to show it#because it's probably my brain being fucked up and i logically shouldn't be upset#and all the while feeling so completely hurt#on top of being so isolated and overwhelmed by daily life#living is just so fucking hard
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the need to make art VS the need to lie down in bed
you will not believe who wins
#i desperately need to post snippets of songs and covers I am rotting it's not good#ive also had the need for OCs because I want to draw them but I don't have any and I need them but I haven't written in ages#everything's a stranger and im the new kid in town#12 days until my first day of college#i wasted this summer too#im so tired all the time and my head hurts#when will it end#also heat exhaustion#so sayeth karma#im not having a good time in the club
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Now we're nearing the end of my move (fucking finally) i can safely say that if i had not had the Song of Salvation on repeat for large stretches of time during this i do not think i would've made it through as well as i have
#jay talkin#like not to be dramatic but i really needed that damn song to grab my hand and pull me up so i could keep packing and tidying and going#obviously the support of my fiance means so much more than that and without him i do not think i would have made it thru this#in any kind of state at all. he's my world. but also yeah that song kept me going#its the specific kind of hope it brings that isnt a very sunshiney everything will be ok hope#but moreso ok. i know you hurt. i know you've had enough. but come on one last time lets go#bc you HAVE to keep picking yrself up snd going 'ok one last time' over and over till u dont have to do it anymore#and thats just. what i did. my body is a mess now my legs and arms keep giving way#cuz more than a month straight of this has exhausted me and exacerbated my prexisting conditions#but i made it through and im nearly done. and this song helped immensly#last time smth helped this much is when i was watching texas chainsaw massacre every night to be able to sleep#it was like the only soothing thing i cld latch on to. felt familiar and safe. got me thru some rough shit#now S.O.S has done much the same. thank u dethklok i suppose#feels kinda corny ey but idk. idc anymore S.O.S and AOTD in general has been a salve on my brain lately#grabbing nathan forcefully. my fucking favourite fuckhead o how u have helped in these trying times
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#what fucking day is it even#i can't keep track#everything hurts as always#could probably track my vent posts by the 'everything hurts' tag#im tired and scared and lonely and i need so much help but there's nobody who can help me damnit#and I've reached out so hard#I've run face first into my own limitations#I've pushed past them time and time again to try and ask for help#i can't do it anymore i just can't#i wish the dms i get from these helped i wish the hug emojis helped like they used to#but goddamnit i need physical assistance and there is nobody able to give it because everyone is busy and needs help too#everyone's life sucks#everyone is exhausted and ground down to nothing and busy as all hell#....so of course nobody can help me#its selfish of me to want it#......bbut damnit I've been so selfless all my life......#...can't i be selfish just once....?just a little.....
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sry. just got a bit frustrated
#im tired. i wish that it was easy#i hurt all the time and im constantly crying and i feel disgusting and useless and im so exhausted and i dont know.#i hate the way everything is i hate that its like this i want everything to be better so badly
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it's a shitty night tonight and I am handling it horribly 😎
#just finished sobbing on my closet floor lol#went shopping w/ parents and had to walk around in heat and humidity and it was terrible#my legs were hurting my back was hurting it was fucking hot out and i was pissed#got some nice stuff but spent the entire ride home trying to drown everything out#especially being surrounded by ultra right assholes#now locked myself in my room trying to ignore everything my parents say/listen to#im sick of staying in my room all the time but there's no way in hell im leaving and having to hear everything#plus they're gonna talk to me about it and i am not in the mindset to deal with anything rn#like FUCK#how much longer do i have to live like this i hate it i hate it i hate it#ALSO ive been an Adult for like 2 weeks and it's just now hitting me that i am not ready for it#so yeah add that to the tally list#plenty of other things going on in my brain but this is getting long#probably wont post this but maybe i will#gotta get this out of my head but im angry and exhausted and scared out of my mind#hey maybe ill actually use tumblr as a diary and post the aftermath of a breakdown#venting yippee#tw vent#feel free to keep scrolling
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you're making me wish you'd stop talking to me bc i don't think you have anything to say to me about anything except my academics. i can't even breath in your presence without you going on about how i should be learning
#do you not realise doing this is not helping?? like at all???#it's only making me want to go against you and do everything wrong on purpose#ik you want the best for me ik you love the most but please please try to understand that this is only stressing me out more#i can't remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn't related to how im studying#and please also understand that i cannot always follow your study methods i can do only what suits me the best#just bc a lot of achievers are following smth doesn't mean i should be#and i beg you talk to me about literally anything else#this is only making us grow apart#and i can feel it and it just hurts#also you kept telling me to talk to people more and make friends but now that i actually have friends you want me to#cut them off bc i've been talking about them a lot and wasting time?#also is the first thing that comes to ur mind when i say i have a lot of hairfall is that u need to get me married???#you weren't like this before what changed#it devastates me how much you've changed over the course of two months#you're not only stressing me out but you're exhausting yourself out too please you're growing old take care lf urself#not everything has to be about me#it only makes me worry and make me feel guilty that im not doing my best for u#the only thing id want is for you to think about YOURSELF for once#i love u so so much so please don't do this to both of us please please prioritise yourself#we can work this out together i swear just listen to me once hear me out
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my brain is so full of stress it might explode. but ill do my best to keep putting out my best and stay kind to myself and others. but man, is it hard
#i wish i had something for myself rn#but i come home so exhausted i cant even focus on art#everything has been burning me so thin#i keep talking down my own art now. i keep refunding clients. i honestly want to give up on everything#people tell me i do a good job but i dont see it. i dont see an artist whos worth anything right now.#i dont know if thats a phrase#i have a early morning shift tomorrow and i cant fall asleep#i want to just rest but im so restless#i dont want to put pressure on anyone besides myself bc i feel like a huge burden#if i do so#everyone else should be having a good time#so i feel like a bummer to take up their emotional space and time#i appreciate the kindness people have shown me recently#i know i work hard. but im still so broken over everything#i just havent felt like an artist since it happend#he left a bigger scar on my ego than i thought it would#and every time i voice it i feel someone is out to end me for it#but at the same time i feel completely unnoticed and unheard#i dont expect anyone to see me as me#i just feel this lump in my throat now. this weight on my hand#they say kind things but im so hurt inside i dont see it as truth right now. i dont see anything worth admiring#they say such sweet things and i want to accept them so bad because my heart needs it#but i cant help but feel the words die as they reach my ears. im just too hurt i cant see it#i cant see the truth in my work all i see is someone else's desire in their commission#as long as they are happy. as long as they are satisfied#thats all that matters#i dont feel important enough to be apart of the process anymore#i dont feel worthy as a person or artist#i just feel less than nothing and that no one will care
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