#and its so exhausting to never understand if im allowed to feel my feelings

[darlingian]

The mental illness is mental illness-ing.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[heyitslapis]

im trying

[kentoxo]

friction | reader (f) x crush!nanami pt.7

pairing: reader (f) x crush!nanami

synopsis: [AU] you have always had a crush on nanami. since the day you were hired as his personal assistant, you've been right at his side combating numbers and making money within the finance department for the company you two worked for. but, things take a turn when nanami catches wind of your feelings, and rejects you. little did he know the weight of his mistake.

warnings: angst, heartbreak, sexual tension, jealousy (future smut)

a/n: im back!!! with part 7!!!! (i hope i tagged everyone who asked to be in the taglist). thank you all for your patience, and for your kind words from the last part! it brought up my mood entirely :) im sorry im so repetitive, but truly i am grateful. i hope this is well written (looked over it like 8 times)

all parts: pt.1, pt.2, pt.3, pt.4, pt.5, pt.6,

December | Tokyo, Japan | Wednesday 

It was around 2 A.M. when Haibara grudgingly entered the small speakeasy. 

It was a small, cozy bar inside the facade of a greasy burger joint, which Haibara gladly ordered from. He peeled the wrapping of his hot smash burger like a banana while making his way towards the back of the restaurant. The bar was separated with a curtain, and it was immensely dim. The only goers were a few guys in the corner, and Nanami at the bar itself. Haibara squinted through exhausted eyes about 4 empty cups near Nanami’s folded hands. 

Drunk, are we? He thought. 

Haibara casually laps at his greasy fingers, crumpling the wrapping paper with his other hand as he strolled over to Nanami. With a now somewhat clean hand, Haibara pats on Nanami’s shoulder. “You look like a loser, and I’m tired. Why don’t we call it a night right now and do this some other time?” 

“I can’t sleep,” Nanami begins quietly, wagging his finger in the air to beckon the bartender. “Please, two on the rocks.” 

“Whiskey? Tequila?” 

“Anejo, dark rum, please,” Nanami requests, bringing his hands up to his chin to rest on. He was pensive, but somewhat lost, as Haibara noticed the distance in his hazel orbs. It was unfamiliar, this version of Nanami. 

Haibara grimaces, already unenthused by the selection of drink, “we work in a few hours, you know. Are you sure we want to drink this much? Because I’m not.” He passes the crumpled burger paper to the waitress that came over.

“I’ve seen you come into work after getting black out drunk, and run on an hour's sleep. Sit.” Nanami grabs the seat next to him and pulls it out for Haibara. His close friend stares at him skeptically, but takes a seat. 

Haibara begins to take off his coat, the warmth of the bar melting him completely. Draping it over the back of his seat, he rubs his hands together, preparing himself for the night. “I’m never a responsible drunk, I can admit that. But you… this isn’t like you at all. What’s going on?”

Nanami emits a shaky sigh, trying his best to keep himself relaxed. But even slightly drunk, nothing to waive his nerves and the weight of his sporadic thoughts. “I feel like… I’m going crazy,” Nanami begins quietly, his eyes not daring to leave the bar. The two requested drinks make its presence known as they sat before the two men. “I just don’t understand why.” 

“Let’s start with what happened,” Haibara begins. You called Haibara, once again in tears while you explained what happened just a few hours ago at the steakhouse. You fall asleep with that same woe, allowing Haibara to nap for a few hours until Nanami calls him up. “Did something happen between you and Y/N?” 

Nanami raises his eyebrow, “how do you know?” 

Haibara’s tongue was too slick, “Y/N came back down by herself, and returned to the office because you gave her ‘extra work.’” 

“I could have, for all you knew,” Nanami huffs before taking his glass. 

“You came back down and didn’t say a single word,” Haibara grabs his own glass. “Whenever you were spoken to, you’d shake your head and say ‘repeat that.’” 

“All of a sudden you want to be meticulous,” Nanami murmurs before taking a sip of the dark brown booze. He looks up to meet Haibara’s eyes, which were stern and looking straight through Nanami. The blonde gives in, and carefully puts his cup down. “Y/N and I had a talk.” 

“Clearly.” Haibara downs his drink immediately. Might as well get drunk while Nanami was paying. He waves at the bartender and silently asks for another round. “Give me the rundown.” 

Nanami adjusts the collar of his crewneck, clearly becoming a bit shy, “No need for all of the details. Y/N, she um…- she confirmed the rumors regarding her feelings for me. They… aren’t just rumors.” 

Haibara had to bite his lip to keep a smile from forming, “is that right?” Nanami’s eyes narrowed down at his glass, staring at the large ice cube slowly melting. The struggle to keep from smiling disappears when he realizes that this wasn’t Nanami. “I assume you rejected her? Like you always do.” 

Nanami grimaces, looking away as if trying to shield his expression from Haibara. It was almost like… he was lamenting all his decisions that led him to this point. “...I did.” 

“So, what’s wrong?” Haibara starts, his words emitted slowly as he wants to carefully tread this new side of his friend. “You aren’t interested in relationships, Kento. Was there something else that happened?” 

“N-no, it's… exactly that, actually,” Nanami hums, his tone ornate with perplexity. “I rejected her… and it has made me unsettled since.” 

“What makes you unsettled?” Haibara asks, curious over this new side of Nanami. “You can’t reciprocate her feelings, so you rejected her. She can’t blame you for being honest.” 

“A-and, that’s the thing, right?” Nanami runs a hand through his hair, closing his eyes a bit. He’s drunk, Haibara noted. “I was honest, and told her… not really politely, but I told her I did not feel the way she does. But now, I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“Alright, let’s make this easier for the both of us,” Haibara sharply interrupts. He slightly slams his glass down, gaining the eye contact of his dear friend. Guilty hazel eyes meet his own, but they don’t flicker away. “Just tell me what’s bothering you. Let it all out.” 

Nanami stares at him for a moment, fixing his eyes on each of Haibara’s. He could feel the pit in his stomach, working with the feeling of his drunkenness. His body felt hot, but goosebumps danced along his skin as though he was freezing. He could feel his cheeks warm, not just from the ethanol, but from his unaddressed feelings. Feelings that he’s not even aware of. Feelings he didn't even know he had. 

“I…” Nanami begins hesitantly. He downs another glass of liquor, a growl-like sigh leaving his dry lips. He was working up the courage to admit what was bothering him, but the conflict of why was keeping him silent. Haibara noticed this and quickly tapped his friend's shoulder. “Hm?” 

“Bartender,” Haibara calls, “two cups of absinthe, please.” 

Nanami lets out a chuckle, despite his feelings, “what do you know about absinthe?” 

“A lot, actually,” Haibara amuses him, “you’re not gonna get me fucked up without having at least one sweet thing.” 

“Absinthe is gonna fuck us completely,” Nanami replies, genuine laughter leaving him. A rare curse coming from Nanami. The two cups arrive, which both gentlemen take one. “You know it’s not that sweet… and it’s diluted.” 

“Just drink,” Haibara hisses, the two lifting their cups and downing the alcohol. They immediately cough, leaning against one another to suffer the coughing and the laughter that follows. “Shit, I always forget how strong it is.” 

Nanami covers his lips with a closed fist, laughter running around it, “it’s watered down for a reason.” 

After the sea of laughter calms, Haibara nudges Nanami. He could tell they were both tipsy, Nanami more so as he was here for an unknown amount of time before his arrival. “Please, tell me everything that’s bothering you. Better to get it out of your chest than keeping it in and suffering that.” 

Nanami gulps, but finds comfort in his friend's words. Haibara was right. He called him out here to do exactly that. And Nanami would feel worse if he dragged Haibara outside just to not confide in him. Carefully putting down his cup, he straightens his back and clears his throat. The liquid courage must not go to waste. 

“I mean… what am I bothered by?” Nanami whispers. The tip of his index rubbed along the rim of his glass. “We’ve grown up together, Yu. You’ve never seen me with a woman, nor was I ever really interested.” 

“But?” Haibara’s curiosity saunters with the alcohol in his system.

“I guess what really bothers me,” Nanami hums quietly, “is that of all the women I’ve met. From our school days, from outings, from work– it’s her. Why… is it her?” 

“Is it bad that it’s her?” 

“It’s not bad– not at all,” Nanami quickly says, “but how come I’ve become so taken by her? Without even realizing it? Am I that out of touch with my feelings?” 

Haibara chuckles at Nanami’s small panic, “it’s not that you’re out of touch with your feelings, Kento. You’ve never had these exact feelings to begin with, so this is foreign for you.” 

“But… as people, we aren’t that acquainted,” Nanami’s eyes lowered to his hands. “I don’t know anything about what she likes, her family, her hobbies. How can I like someone I know nothing about?” 

“Let me put it in a different perspective then,” Haibara suggests. “What are things that you like whenever you two work together?” 

Nanami looks up at Haibara and pauses for a moment. Then, his lips part, “I like that she always does things exactly as I request, even before I ask.” 

“She’s quite the assistant,” Haibara agrees. 

Nanami nods, “she is detailed in her work, extremely meticulous and doesn’t let any detail get past her.” He doesn’t pause at all this time, and keeps going. “She always knows what I like to have. I come into work knowing she has my cup of coffee, and wait for her to tell me what I want for lunch because I need not tell her.” 

Haibara fights off a smile. It was extremely relieving to see his friend finally like someone. It was almost destiny that life had kept his heart dormant until now. Until you. 

“I like that she’s honest without being rude,” Nanami says slowly, the ends of his lips forming a soft smile. "She has a sweet tooth, but she wanted to try my coffee after I confided its context to her.” 

“She has a good head on her shoulders,” Haibara concurs, encouraging him to keep talking about you. 

"I like the way she pushes back her hair whenever she has to deal with a more tedious task. And the way she smiles whenever she finishes all of her work for the day."

Haibara was cheering for you in his mind.

"I like..." Nanami begins hesitantly. "...that she's my assistant, and nobody else's." Haibara felt his own feels warm from his admittance.

Nanami finally feels his body go completely hot, his chest taking on the most warmth. He could feel his smile tickle his own cheeks, insistently forcing him to cup his mouth. It was overwhelming– realizing that he was wrong this whole time. He lied to you when he rejected you, albeit his newly discovered feelings. His free hand cups his chest, feeling his heart pumping at a speed alien to him. 

“Yu,” Nanami begins quietly. He looks over at him, face suddenly pale, “I think I’m having a heart attack.” 

Haibara finally breaks, and starts laughing. He quickly wraps his arm around the blonde man. Haibara leans his forehead against Nanami’s, soothing his nerves from the simple gesture. “You’re not having a heart attack, Kento. You’re drunk and feeling things we both didn’t think you had.” 

Nanami nudges him off, rolling his eyes. “It wasn’t like I’d never like somebody,” Nanami huffs, bringing his cup to his lips to sip at the watered-down remaining alcohol. 

“I can’t even count in 20 hands how many women you’ve rejected in the many years that I’ve known you,” Haibara scoffs. “You are sculpted like a Greek god, and yet somehow you’ve managed to waste it until now.” 

Nanami shoves Haibara a bit, but chuckles escape his lips. Haibara joins him. It felt like to have such a heart-to-heart, especially with someone like Haibara. Nanami raises his hand to the bartender, pretending to sign a check in the air. “I’m so sorry for keeping us so late for my foolishness. But, thank you very much for being my friend, Yu. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I really appreciate it.” 

Haibara rolls his eyes, “you’re right; it has not been easy, and I deserve to be compensated.” He then laughs through already soft words. “But honestly, it’s no biggie. I’m glad that you actually feel comfortable enough to talk about this with me. You’re usually one to keep to yourself.” 

Nanami’s drunk smile remains, “that’s fair. But please feel free to call out if you don’t feel well rested. I can absolutely vouch that you had a family emergency.” 

Haibara held his chest, his eyes full of surprise, “the work-obsessed and policy-abiding Nanami is willing to lie for me? You really do love me.” 

The bartender comes with the check, and Nanami reaches into his pocket for his wallet. Although under the influence, Nanami couldn’t get rid of the smile on his face. “Yeah, well. I asked you to come out, so this is the least I could do.” 

Haibara watches as Nanami tosses his credit card onto the bill. “But I have no plans of leaving you on your own tomorrow. We gotta really seal the deal, and finally be finished with our clients.” 

Nanami nods in agreement, watching as the bartender returns and collects the closed bill. “You just reminded me that I should send an email to both Marketing and Sales to warn them about our new clients.” 

Haibara nods, “yeah, they’re a bit much, aren’t they? Especially with how they stared at Y/N at the restaurant. Weird pervs.” 

Nanami, without meeting Haibara’s eyes, says simply, “it was why I didn’t let Y/N assist me during this time. A bird informed me about their crude manner with women.”

Haibara chuckles, but immediately stops and looks over at Haibara. All the dots were connecting like the stars in the Big Dipper. “No wonder you kept mentioning that Takada shacho assigned you his assistants. I thought you kept saying it to boost your rep!” 

Nanami shows a cocky grin, “that’s a given. But, I didn’t want Y/N to be a victim of that. Especially now that I understand what I’m feeling– I don’t think I would have acted decent.” 

Through slurred words, Haibara chuckles, “you’re so whipped, Kent.” 

“Whipped?” Nanami looks over at his friend, innocently tilting his head in confusion like a pup. “What does that mean?” 

Haibara gets off from his seat, his body warm and stomach satisfied. He lifts off his coat from the seat, and begins to pull on the sleeves. “Come, I’ll tell you outside.” Nanami signs the check, and retrieves his credit card. 

Walking slowly behind Haibara, Nanami couldn’t help but feel something. It felt like the cross between relief and anticipation. Suddenly, he felt at ease about the future, almost as if his unrecognized worry was now washed away. He felt hopeful that he could remedy his mistake, and start something new… with you. 

Of course, that won’t be easy, as you were currently sleeping with a hollow, broken heart. 

Taglist: [Now Closed]

@blossomedfloweroflove @numblytemporary @everyoneandtheirmothers @animechick555 @inthedarkshadows000

@m-arj-1 @julk4e @hadassery @swoozleee @angxlsatvrn

@v1x3n @s-witch-bitch @furgusonn @watyousayin @thechaoticarchivist

@simp-manhwa @5sos-wdw @ffyona1214 @phantombaby @evangel44xxcds

@ukiyodestiny @jasminelee324 @eurydxceorphxus @moonlightazriel @s3rp3ntsssc0ve

@dusty-dweller @wifenanami @bokuatsubro @ayesayman @starry-eyed--dreamer

[drvscarlett]

THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT

Pierre Gasly x ex!reader

Summary: The 4 times that they break up and get back together and that 1 time they didn't.

The Tortured Drivers' Department series

A/N: im on a roll with updating the Tortured Drivers Department now that im nearly done with every reqs. I hope you enjoy this and let me know what you think or feel about this

Taglist. @tea-bobba @boiohboii @c-losur3 @haikyuen @stelena-klayley @stinkyjax @0710khj @jinimon-tr

"You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith This ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots"

Pierre and Y/N are the type of people that is confusing to talk about. No one really knows the big deal between the two of them, are they friends or are they lovers? One minute everything is all good, they are about to go to the store and pick out rings then the next thing that you know they already broke up. What was constant was that they always find their way back to each other.

Maybe it’s the lifestyle that makes it work; Pierre is a famous F1 driver that travels the world most of the year while Y/N is a grand recluse of a writer that is trying to find her way to the market. They don’t need much time from each other, and they understand the busy structure of their work.

Maybe its also the fact that they have years of friendship backing them up that's why they were able to last long with each others antics. So, what happened to them?

I.

The first kind of break ups were pretty silly. It was usually something that could be fixed in a matter of hours or a day being away from each other. Its something very random and weird like this.

"Wait, so you are breaking up with me because you are writing?"Pierre was confused.

Pierre had been in relationships before but he has never once heard of someone wanting to break up with him because she has to meet a certain deadline.

He felt very whiplash by the whole situation because she was just kissing him and they were cuddling in bed in the morning. Now she wants to break up with him.

"Yes Pierre, I need to be in my most heartbroken self to write my best lines"Y/N confirms.

"So does this mean that once you finish this thing you are working on then we can get back together?"Pierre clarifies.

Y/N nods as she brings out her working laptop and a notebook.

"So should I say something mean or should I just leave you be to your senses?"Pierre wondered.

"Do you really wanna break up with me so badly?"Y/N had too much of Pierre's question

Pierre raised his hands in defeat.

"Okay then lets break up"

Pierre headed straight back to his room to allow Y/N to work on her things. He chuckles at himself with the weird antics of his girlfriend, (or should he say ex girlfriend) but he busies himself with some emails that he has from work.

It took Y/N two days before she comes crawling to their shared bed. Pierre was in a sleepy state when Y/N snuggled to his arms.

"Are you done?"Pierre wondered.

"Yeah,just passed my manuscript"Y/N agrees.

"Can I call you my girlfriend again?"

II.

Qualifying was extremely difficult today with Pierre taking p15. To make matters worse there was this pressing issue that Pierre might be axed from the team. It honestly frustrated him to the point that he was only doing sim work, training, and more training.

It worries Y/N a great deal especially when Pierre seems so out of it.

"Pierre c'mon get some rest" Y/N begged.

It was already 2 in the morning and there was still a race tomorrow but he insisted on hitting the gyms to train.

"You are going to be exhausted later during the race if you keep doing this"Y/N reminds.

"I don't care, I have to work hard"

"Pierre please listen to me"

"You're the one who is not listening to me"Pierre snaps "Don't you realize that I have the possibility to lose everything that I have worked hard for if they cut me off the team."

Y/N was in shock with the sudden outburst and if Pierre was in his usual self then he would have immediately apologized for raising his tone. But Pierre was far from thinking clearly.

"Pierre that was not nice"

"Nothing is ever nice in this world"scoffs Pierre.

"Look I'm just trying to help you he-"

"You know what, why not just break up with me so I can focus on my thing without anyone nagging" Pierre suggested.

She could feel the tears prickling her eyes and threatening to fall. But her mother did not raise her cry over a stupid boy like this.

"You're really going there huh" Y/N said "See if I care"

With a slam of the door, Y/N was gone and Pierre felt even more antsy than ever. It wasn't the fact that he has a messed up weekend but he has the possibility of messing up a good relationship because of his blind rage.

In a couple of hours despite Y/N implying that she didn't care, she was at the race patiently waiting for the lights to go out. It was difficult for her to just leave Pierre especially when he is in this state of mind.

But of course, Y/N's pride was something that she holds dear that is why she didn't show up to Pierre's garage. It is kind of weird to see the crowd of yellow and black colors but Y/N was so glad that she has Isa by her side to join her during the race.

"Never gets easier to let him go for races huh"Y/N comments as she watched Isa putting on Carlos' helmet.

"Well, I'm sure he tries his best to be careful on the track" Isa smiled.

"Why aren't you giving any pre-race goodluck kisses to Pierre? He might need it" Carlos suggested.

Y/N could just roll her eyes, Pierre wasn't superstitious like that.

"Okay laugh all you want but don't make me say I told you so if he gets involved in an accident"Carlos warns.

"Don't mind Carlos, he is just joking"Isa shrugs it off.

"But Isa, its true remember when-"

"Stop stressing Y/N out Carlos, go race and be safe"

"Aye aye"

Y/N watched the playful interaction before the couple parted ways. The scene struck a chord in her heart because she knew that she could never act that way with Pierre. Their whole relationship was a secret that only the grid knows Y/N is off limits. But outside the grid, no one knows about it. Fans equate them as close friends but never more than that.

"What's on your mind honey?"Isa asked

"Nothing Isa, I'm okay"

Y/N showed a weak smile and Isa was hesitant to press things but she just let friend be.

"Look the race is starting"Y/N diverts.

The sound of the engines filled the air and off the cars go. Y/N watched as everyone gets off with a decent start, she could only hope that there was no incident today especially for Pierre's sake.

Everything happened all of a sudden as white smoke filled the air and a loud collision was heard. The cameras were quick to pan to the accident and the two girls clutched each other's hands as the smoke clears.

"It's Nico, its not Carlos" someone from the garage reassured Isa and the girl could feel a sigh of relief.

However, the same cannot be said to Y/N as the frustrated team radio of Pierre can be heard and the familiar livery was seen in the middle of the wreck.

Any amount of pride or memory of what he said last night was suddenly thrown out of the window. She just wants to know how he is or if he is safe from that tragic collision.

"Y/N, they're going to check on Nico" Isa pointed out to some Renault people "You should probably go since Pierre would be there too"

Y/N was about to deny that she didn't want to see him but Isa had a stern look on her face.

"Just go honey"

And she comes running to the medical bay to look for the injured man. She was a bit thankful that precautions have been made in this sports that allowed drivers to walk away from such accident without major damages.

Maybe, a bruised ego is their biggest worry now.

"Y/N"Pierre was confused to see her.

Maybe the damage has been far more worse than he imagined because he was now seeing things. As far as he could recall, Y/N was not around when the race started. So how is she here?

"God, you scared me P"Y/N wrapped him in a hug.

Pierre was a little bit sore from the crash but there was this instant warm feeling knowing that Y/N didn't abandon him. Even if he was really moody and too shitty, Y/N was still there for him.

He remembers how terrible it was being in that car and thinking that the last memory he shared with Y/N is a bad one. He didn't feel great at all so he held her as if its his second chance.

"I didn't mean what I said last night"Pierre whispered "I'm really sorry for hurting your feelings. I wasn't thinking straight and there is just a lot of pressure-"

"It's okay, I know Pierre"Y/N consoles "I won't be leaving you anytime soon"

A chaste kiss was shared between the two of them, a symbol that they have reunited once more.

III.

The third time they broke up was when Pierre asked her hand for marriage and she didn't say anything.

After being constantly invited to weddings, Pierre is bound to pick up some courage to ask Y/N out. He developed this dream that he wants a life with Y/N and he is ready to take it to the next level. Knowing Y/N, he picked the right size and the perfect ring. He also knows her dream proposal place which is somewhere with a view of the city.

He had everything planned out perfectly so imagine his surprise when she answers.

"Pierre, I can't do this" Y/N dropped the bomb.

"What? Why?"

Y/N felt like an extreme asshole because everything was perfect. Any girl would say yes to this prime opportunity of marrying their childhood bestfriend but Y/N sees through things.

"Pierre we aren't even official to the public and now you want to escalate it to marriage" Y/N reasons.

"So that's it, you don't want to marry me because I can't call you mine in public?"

"It's not just that" Y/N sighs "but our careers are just taking off and we haven't talked about our relationship yet and suddenly were going to go to marriage"

What Y/N saying was valid but Pierre was not listening to any of it. He felt very crushed and he could not think straight at the moment.

"Let's just break up if you can't see a future with me"

"Pierre, you know that's not what I meant"

"Then tell me how would you feel if the person you truly loved didn't want to marry you"Pierre roared.

It was a devastating scene between the two of them. How Y/N wished that she could undo what she said a few minutes ago but she knows that she only means well. A rushed marriage will also lead to rush separation and she will not put herself to that.

"Let's break up then, I think its best if we go our seperate ways for the time being"Pierre concludes.

It took them three long weeks before they got back together. It was due to an intervention by Charles that allowed them to speak again and talk their differences. Pierre has been more understanding now and heard Y/N's point out.

They got back together but it felt like there is a huge crack that took a heavy blow with their relationship.

IV.

Y/N had a terrible day at work with her manuscript being asked to be revised by her publisher. All she needs was a good rest and possibly some cuddles with Pierre. She prays as she twist the doorknob that Pierre was not in his one of his moods.

"Mon amour"Pierre called out "I was waiting for you"

Pierre can cook but it doesn't mean that he does it often. It was a good surprise for Y/N to see the dinner table set with all of her favorite dishes and an array of fresh flowers in a bouquet. She eyes the man warily as she takes a seat

"I didn't miss any important dates, didn't I?" Y/N asked.

"Is it bad that I wanted to do something special for you?"

In other days, she would want to argue about it but for today she didn't want to do any of that. She had no energy to question Pierre's weird behavior and she just wants to enjoy the dinner with him.

It was a lovely dinner but Y/N knows that Pierre was hiding something from her. As she was putting away the plates, she knew that she had to get an answer or she may fall asleep overthinking things.

"What is going on P, I'm actually scared you did something stupid that's why you are buttering me up so much"

Pierre lets out a heavy sigh, they knew each other too well that they can't really keep a secret with each other.

"My PR talked to me today and they wanted to announce a relationship to help my whole image"Pierre confesses.

Articles are very easy to miss but as a writer, Y/N knows how a different usage of an article changes the meaning of the sentence. Pierre used "a" rather than "the" which means he is not referring to their relationship.

"Who is it?"Y/N wondered

"She's a model, her name is Caterina" Pierre explained.

There was a heavy silence in the room as Y/N dried out the dishes. She knew that this was all because she was not very marketable due to her timid personality. She was not even famous for her books so that's another reason. Bottom line, they can't announce her because she seems very different from Pierre and she is not the WAG material.

"How long?"

Y/N was used to this kind of treatment. She felt like she accepted this as long as she can get to keep Pierre at the end of this whole thing. People would think she is crazy but love makes people do crazy things.

"Just 6 months and its over"Pierre answered.

It was also very difficult for Pierre's end. He have tried to lobby that he wanted to announce his relationship with Y/N but he is held by a contract. If he decides to deviate then he might lose his seat.

He knows how difficult it was to ask her for this but he had no choice.

"I'll get packing then and I'll move out in the next few days"Y/N mumbles.

Pierre stopped her for leaving and held her tightly. She instantly melts in his hold and she easily reminds herself why she puts up with all of this.

"I love you, don't you forget that"

The world moved with Caterina being announced as Pierre's girlfriend. However, they didn't know that after 6 months then Pierre is back to Y/N's arms. It was always Y/N and Pierre even if the world can't see it.

V.

It started with a normal dinner reservation.

Y/N has been promised by Pierre that he will take her out for dinner. They both understand that the past few weeks has been tiring for the two of them with the stress of racing, writing, and personal issues. The dinner is a nice way to reconnect with each other.

However, here she was already an hour waiting for Pierre to show up.

The hour goes from two to three and by the fourth hour, she decided that she will just go home. She have felt upset with Pierre before but this was a different kind of upset. It's not something to be fixed by flowers, vacations, or any of those stupid letters he does.

She reaches their shared apartment and started packing her stuffs. Her mind was already made up and this time it was going to last. The relationship was doomed to failure anyways.

And just before she finished packing, Pierre stumbles in.

"Y/N, do you have a schedule tonight?"Pierre asked.

He was met with silence as the writer ignores him.

"Oh c'mon what did I do wrong this time?"Pierre complains "Sit and talk with me Y/N"

Pierre could only stop Y/N by bringing all her packed clothes out of her suitcase. Something that heavily irritated Y/N, which caused her to finally speak.

"Can you just let me pack in peace"Y/N begged.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong"Pierre stops "Do you have a flight somewhere? Maybe I could drive you"

"You don't have to drive me Pierre"

"Then what's going on, I arrive here and you are fuming there-"

"You made me fucking wait four hours"Y/N snapped.

Pierre racked his brains for anything that he missed and he suddenly remembered how he reserved dinner with her. He felt like all the color drained on his face.

"Don't do this, I'll make it up to you Y/N" there was a desperation in Pierre's voice.

"I can't, we can't keep doing this P"Y/N admits it "We keep on breaking up and then making up then we act like this is a healthy relationship. We can't do this"

Strong arms wrapped around Y/N's waist and she could feel the wetness on her shoulders as Pierre buried his face there. It was proving more and more difficult for Y/N to leave him.

"I have to do this P, for you and for me"she remains firm.

"Tell me you don't love me"Pierre refuses to let go.

And Y/N cannot admit that because she knows she will always love Pierre. But she was scared that in loving Pierre so much then she may not have any love left for herself. She doesn't know what to do if she loses Pierre so its best if she will be the one to let go of him first.

"I'm sorry Pierre"

With a heavy heart, she removes the him away from her. She picks up her bags and closes the door. She left without taking a look back at the man she has loved from childhood till now because she knows that the moment she sees him then all form of control she has will evaporate.

And everything was two years ago. Here is Y/N with her third best-selling novel book signing tour. Sometimes she likes to think that she lost Pierre to be able to write the books that made her extremely famous. Most of the times, she wishes it never happened because she would rather have Pierre than these best selling novels.

It was her first time in Europe for work. She was often here to watch and support Pierre from the sideline. She never thought that she will be back in Europe so loved and so adored.

But it seems like destiny has a way of messing things up.

"Hi! What's your name?"she greets the woman in front of her.

Even though it has been a long day, she managed to master the art of keeping a perfect smile. She understands how the fans have been waiting in line for so long and she has to give them the best experience as she signs their book.

"My name is Kika, I'm a huge fan of yours" the woman introduced.

Y/N looked up to take a look at her. Kika had a dazzling smile and has this certain aura that exudes her charmingness. Y/N felt that she should be the one asking for Kika's signature because she looks like a stunning goddess.

"I really love the way you write things and I used to read it with my boyfriend when he is not racing"Kika narrates.

Racing, its been a while since Y/N heard that. She completely cuts off that certain topic ever since she left Pierre.

"Oh that sounds like a fantastic way to bond as a couple"Y/N agrees

"Yeah and actually my boyfriend told me that he knows you. I was actually wondering if he is joking but I figured that maybe he is"

There was this sinking feeling in her heart but Y/N would like to think that she made some friends in the F1 grid so this may be their girlfriend. Or maybe her boyfriend is bluffing.

"He races? In what kind of race"Y/N asked,she was careful.

"Oh he does Formula 1, his name is-"

"Kika mon amour"

Y/N didn't have to hear the voice twice to know who that voice belongs to. She knows that voice very well and she couldn't believe her rotten luck.

"Pierre, we were just talking about you"Kika embraces Pierre.

Pierre was shifting nervously and Y/N suddenly realized that Kika doesn't know anything about the shared history between the two of them.

"Oh so you are Pierre's new girl" Y/N knew how to act "I'm so pleased to meet you and yes I know Pierre from childhood"

"See mon amour, I was not lying"Pierre teased.

"So you do know her, we should definitely set up a lunch or dinner together"Kika exclaimed "I can't believe that my favorite author is your childhood friend"

She has that bright and genuine smile on her face. It was that certain genuineness that Y/N makes her heart crack. Why did she have to be so sweet and kind, its so difficult to fault her of anything.

"Y/N is one of the best authors, I know" Pierre proudly states "She has a way of tugging hearts"

"Indeed she has, I remember that when I first started reading one of your series I was so hooked and I wanted to pattern my dream partner to how you write the character of.."Kika babbles.

And everything felt like fading in the background. But Y/N didn't miss how Pierre was looking at Kika so lovingly and so endearing while Kika was rambling excitedly. The heart that was once healed was getting torn up once more because of what's happening in front of her.

[espresso-lessdepresso]

you asked for ted stuff, its my time.

Ted looks like the least touch-starved person. Now pair him with a touch starved reader(ex me). boom. just imagine how sweet he would be? like he would be so understanding?

Boom indeed. Brain! Ted with a touch-starved reader! Go!

Ted Nivison hc2 (im doing headcanons now who am I???)

Ted first didn't think much about skin ship until he noticed the lack of it from your side. You just never initiated it, it was never something you were used to giving or receiving.

Ted noticed how easily you got overwhelmed, worked up or exhausted from skinship so he tried to not overdo it. He would chuckle a little sometimes when you wouldn't know how to react to the skin ship, finding your awkwardness amusing and cute.

Ted at first thought that you disliked being touched altogether. But what's with that look in your eyes whenever your arms brush against each other?

Ted found that your little crumbs of skin ship were somehow more intimate than they should be, it meant more to the both of you; you letting him in little by little and him savouring every touch you allowed him.

Ted even savours holding your hand. Just- his palm is so big compared to yours, he finds it oh so endearing. Slowly gliding his thumb over your knuckles, not really interested in whatever else is going on in the background. Just you.

Ted tries to not go overboard when you let his arm around your shoulder, he tries to not pull you into him because it might make you uncomfortable and take everything two steps back. But god, if you lean into him, there will be a smile plastered on his face. He'll be just so giddy and proud, pressing his lips on the top of your head.

Ted, why must he be so sweet and understand, why must he let you take your time and have you helplessly fall for him?

Just don't melt into his hand, finally giving in, when he holds your face in his palm, he wouldn't know what to do with himself at the sight. Do you know how difficult it is for him to not pepper kisses all over your lips and face?

.✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ .

This a heavy self inserting buuut my brain was brring so...

When Ted notices that the reader is feeling unwell, their emotions too big for their own good, he would gently place his hand on your shoulder. He would be completely taken back when you hug him, arms around his torso and face pressed against his chest. He would be so grateful that you find comfort in his touch and would try his best to calm you down. Or let out all your pent-up emotions. Either way, he's right there for you, gently rubbing your back up and down to get you through it.

++++++

Engage and let me know if/how you like the writing. Reblogging/Sharing is much appreciated.

master list

[cal-writes]

honestly, i am SO beyond worried for zoro at this point in terms of his Emotional state cause like ???? man's feel like he hasn't really had a chance for his feelings to blow up in his face yet cause He Keeps Shoving Everything Down For The Sake Of Doing His Job / literally trying to constantly keep everyone (else) alive. (also cause idk why but something about zoro these days just feels like there's some kinda tickling clock over his head since we basically know all the other strawhats inside & out, but zoro's story is like So Bare Bones i feel idk yes, i'm looking at you specifically, wci) that's not even getting into my fear for his PHYSICAL state cause that injection Dr. Goat Man (i forgot his name rn) gave him being like This Adrenaline Shot Will Keep You Going But It'll Only Multiply Your Pain Afterwards or whatever and like 👁️👁️ i know he was out for like two weeks i think post-wano so that was probably his body resting up since then but like .... M A N .

🤝 you and me both. its hard to tell if oda is going somewhere with it all or if zoros already had all the story oda is going to tell. i hope not but. it would be kind of poetic to have zoros arc be at the end since he was the second main character introduced and the past chapters seem to be building up towards some kind of confrontation

in general zoro has been a lot more tense since the time skip which is to be expected

like zoro understands their position more than most and has seen and has carried the consequences of them not being prepared before

its very oldest sibling of him. like i cant have fun i need to think about what everyones having for dinner

like he was fucking stressed getting off egghead bc they were being persued by an elder when he was already exhausted from fighting lucci. people say he was being prideful for not wanting to abandon the lucci fight as if zoro isn’t perfectly fine with running away (ive gone into it before but tldr zoros insisted beating lucci so lucci wouldnt fucking snitch on their escape route - which then of course happened)

not to mention this whole thing

even after that hes still very serious but hes always been more concerned than luffy about things

(tho oda splitting the group up gives me hope bc less people means he has more time for each of them)

regarding the wano fight… i want there to be more to it but again, not sure if its not already “done” from oda’s perspective. i hope its not but etc etc

like you cant just drop literal death and just never mention it again (please)

(it reminds me of the critical role vox machina campaign where a character died and made a deal with a death goddess to remain with the party until the quest was done so by the end he was taken away - love the drama of it all but hope thats not it)

maybe in the new arc thriller bark will come up again. bonney has kumas memories so she knows now as do brook robin and sanji. if sanjis allowed to be a real character and have some more plot maybe his “germa transformation” will make him be an asshole and tell everyone.

(im hoping that odas friendship with zoros live action actor will make him give him more material tbha gdjhahs)

but yeah we will have to wait and see. considering oda has been pretty good about payoff so far im cautious optimistic but im not holding my breath

[erosedescending]

A DRONE TAKES A BREAK

So... its been about a month since i last posted a personal drone story. that is because the drone has been largely inactive. yes, i am still regularly brainwashing myself with audio files. yes, i am still working with my controller to become the best drone i can be? so why so quiet?

At the beginning of the month, i just couldnt get into dronespace... and i couldnt figure out why... i felt useless, wrong... like i wasnt good enough. but see... that had nothing to do with the dronespace. that was just how i generally feel in life. and somehow... doing all that drone work in my head was knocking things loose.

i have long struggled emotionally. struggled with abuse and the after affects, struggled with being closeted and self-denial for over 20 years. this past month... a lot of that came out. i cant afford a therapist, so i just had to work on my own. discovering myself, seeing who i am without a mask. learning what past traumas i had suppressed, and how to forgive myself and love myself.

i still have quite a way to go on this stuff. i have only begun to clearly recognize my traumas and their effects. and i find i have come to a point where i have to really figure out who i am without that mask. its a lot of exhausting work. and i have had multiple days where i had to stay home from work because i was crying all day.

but this is GOOD! im getting better. im HEALING! and i am so proud of myself for making it this far and beginning to recognize my traumas. recognize the people i let into my life that just... continued some of the same abuses... all because they made a good place for me to hide from myself.

now that i have done so much work, i feel the drone coming back. and i realize... that there is no way to properly work on a healthy mental space unless the emotional work is done. how could i have ever been a healthy drone of i didnt do this?

so, the drone took a break, allowing me to SEE and HEAL and it is an ongoing process. but now i can move forward with more understanding and more clear goals. the drone is back, and i am sure many adventures await as i both continue to heal, and continue to dronify.

and when my healing is finally complete... well, then we can just lock that totally healed emmi identity safe away in a vault where it can never be harmed again and let the drone run things. 😋

[devieuls]

hello! i really like how you write for Keigo 😭

Im sorry but can i request Hawks with a smaller fem reader? maybe she has mouse quirk?

He really loves their size difference and the little prey and predator thing going on between them <3

Just some fluffy stuff about their daily life, and if you can maybe a bit of nsfw? 👉🏼👈🏼

Sorry if its too much! Love your blog!!

THE DAY OFF

Hawks x Fem Reader ¡smut!

Warning : nothing wrong at first, just sweet fluff and a little bit more spicy. Towards the end: a little more spicy

Synopsis : Your boyfriend after a week of tiring work needs to clear his mind and allow himself some time with you between sweet moments and… why not, maybe some attention a little more… intimate.

Length : 2.5k +

Note: Honey, don’t apologize, I’m also here for your requests! I left implied the height factor, you understand however that Hawks plays a lot on your difference.

I made the protagonist of the story a day of rest for Keigo and Reader, so I’m sorry I could not do many small macroscenes, I tried but the effect that came out wasn't really in my style. Moreover, the characterization of Hawks doesn't make me write totally innocent and only soft with the reader, especially in the home. I hope you like it anyway!

Thanks for the support and compliments!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For many weeks your sweet boyfriend has been busy with work, between the new recruited helpers, his public appearances at the request of his agency and the hard work of hero n.2, you didn’t even have time to talk or do something together. You didn’t complain, you were also a hero, of much lower rank but always a hero, so you didn’t blame him if he was too exhausted to give you attention.

The night you spent the time to cuddle him and to make him feel your presence while he fell asleep slowly, you needed that little to be happy. See how his muscles relaxed under your touch, his wings letting go on the bed losing some plumes; his tired but serene face resting on your breast, while his arms wrapped around your body as if you could leave at any moment, whispering some sweet thanks before falling totally asleep.

The bad part came in the morning, when you woke up alone in bed with no trace of him, like a ghost only visiting you at night, of course, you knew he would come home every time but you missed his presence. When it was still No.3 you had more time to spend together, even short moments that lasted as long as a movie.

Fortunately Keigo had had three days of rest, a bit for the pressure made by the n.1 who saw him exhausted both by the association to which he replied, the winged hero would never take a day off, it was not in his nature to rest without reason, especially if he knew he was fundamental in the dynamics against villains. However, he accepted these days to recover and maybe give you some extra attention, knowing that he had really left gaps in your relationship.

That morning you woke up as always alone, it was habit by now, therefore you had not given weight to some feathers left on the bed or some objects of Keigo’s costume left around the room. You took a quick shower, washed your clothes, and put on one of Keigo’s hoodies to stay in, ready for breakfast and maybe a movie.

Your ears stood up when you heard some noises in the next room, knowing for a fact that there should have been no one in the house but you. You felt some chills as you took the wooden broom pole and walked towards the kitchen, knowing that the noise was coming from there. You tightened your grip just before entering and once you crossed the threshold you were more than ready to use the pole to attack the intruder.

Fortunately, it was just your boyfriend making breakfast, now looking at you with a confused expression.

< Woah Woah, angel I understand that I was very absent, but it is not a good reason to take me to poles > he said laughing while he turned the omelet and controlled the rice.

< No… it’s that you… I mean, I heard noises and… you’re never there in the morning, I didn’t expect… > you answered by putting the pole down and then approaching him.

< Didn’t you expect me to be home? I’m on forced rest or some shit like that, I don’t know. But I have more time to spend with a beautiful mouse > he walked away from the cooking area and approached you, taking you from your hips and landing on the part of the kitchen peninsula, making you shudder because of the cold marble against your bare legs. < Are you hungry princess? > he asked leaning on your neck, leaving some wet kiss.

You've bitten your lip feeling the little attentions of your boyfriend on your neck

< A little bit… since when do you cook anything other than fried chicken? > you asked laughing, leading the blond to detach from you and look into your eyes.

< You know, I have so many hidden talents, babybird. > said with a deeper tone than the previous, causing a senseless redness on your cheeks.

He smiled as you blushed and lowered himself between your legs, at the height of your intimacy making you suspect that he would go to tease you there and blushed more, the boy laughed and opened the scaffold that was under you, pulling out some bowls and plates. when he stood up again and laid the various ceramic plates, he felt your look burn on his bare back.

< What is it, princess? You thought I’d touch you there? > asked jokingly, knowing perfectly well that doing what he did would make you think of something else altogether.

< N-no! is that you stooped there and… fuck it, don’t do it anymore if then- > you stopped when the predatory look of Keigo was peering from head to toe, overtaking on your bare legs under his sweatshirt. He leaned on one of the shelves and bit his lip.

< "If then" what, birdie? if I don’t really do it? You know, my appetite has now changed tastes, I could eat my little y/n > he said to then indicate your legs < Especially if the dish is so well in sight > he concluded, approaching you again, putting his hands under his sweatshirt, immediately feeling the absence of panties. < How can I expect to eat anything else? > he asked as his thumbs caressed the point between the hip and the "V" of your intimacy, making you squeak.

< K-Keigo is burning something… > You said while holding a deep breath, and then release it when the blond walked away from you to turn the fried omelet on one side.

You stepped off the shelf and sat down in one of the peninsula’s stools that overlooked the open space of the living and dining room.

< The omelet is gone, there remains fish, rice and vegetables, I hope this suffices > he said while he was bringing on the table the various dishes and bowls, also retrieving some green tea and chopsticks to eat. < Princess, it’s ready, come and eat >

You nodded and then you reached him and you got your mouth watering < Wow, after this, we can get married > You said without thinking. Actually you weren’t the best cook, of course you could do something but Keigo… well he between the serving and the scent that left his food seemed almost a chef.

He laughed for the umpteenth time and moved your chair for you to sit. < As if you could decide otherwise, we’ll get married. > he said to serve you the various dishes and then sit in front of you.

You stepped off the shelf and sat down in one of the peninsula’s stools that overlooked the open space of the living and dining room.

< The omelet is gone, there remains fish, rice and vegetables, I hope this suffices > he said while he was bringing on the table the various dishes and bowls, also retrieving some green tea and chopsticks to eat. < Princess, it’s ready, come and eat >

You nodded and then you reached him and you got your mouth watering < Wow, after this, we can get married > You said without thinking. Actually you weren’t the best cook, of course you could do something but Keigo… well he between the serving and the scent that left his food seemed almost a chef.

He laughed for the umpteenth time and moved your chair for you to sit. < As if you could decide otherwise, we’ll get married. > he said to serve you the various dishes and then sit in front of you.

You spent the time of breakfast in peace between jokes and chatter, littleness that you missed to say the least, see him smile and tease you for your cute reactions made you feel good.

After washing the dishes you let yourself go on the sofa, to watch some movies and spend time pampering yourself. You found yourself lying on his chest as he gently stroked your back and played with your hair, sniffing it every now and then, enjoying your sweet scent. You hid the blush on his chest, trying to focus on the film you were supposed to watch together, but in half an hour of film you thought about how relaxing it was to be in that position with him expressing his affection without being a complete pervert.

He also left you sweet kisses blowing on your cheeks and your head, making you close your eyes and almost fall asleep for all that sweet attention, until you had to get up to go to the bathroom to do your business and maybe check if the washing machine full of your underwear had finished, so as not to remain in that condition with a perennial horny like Keigo. Not that you mind having sex with him again, on the contrary, it turns you on just the idea of being able to touch him again, feel him again…

After finishing in the bathroom and realizing that you still have all your underwear wet, you left the room and walked into the hallway to get back to your boyfriend. Suddenly you felt big warm hands, one covering your mouth and the other on your side, forcing you to back away, you felt the heart in a thousand and you tried to free yourself from the grip of the person, until he stuck you against the wall and began to kiss your neck with a certain fury. You gasped and sighed relieved as you recognized your boyfriend’s touch, letting yourself go to his attentions.

He smiled smugly at your reaction, carrying your arm behind your back and with the hand closing your mouth he did the same with the other arm.

< I need you to be a good girl. > He said with a deep, hoarse voice, giggling in the same tone, already making you feel wet between the legs. You nodded in response, biting your lip and sobbing when you felt his fingers playing under your sweatshirt. It was ridiculous how wet you were with so little, but you blamed it on the sex withdrawal that lasted for weeks.

After finishing in the bathroom and realizing that you still have all your underwear wet, you left the room and walked into the hallway to get back to your boyfriend. Suddenly you felt big warm hands, one covering your mouth and the other on your side, forcing you to back away, you felt the heart in a thousand and you tried to free yourself from the grip of the person, until he stuck you against the wall and began to kiss your neck with a certain fury. You gasped and sighed relieved as you recognized your boyfriend’s touch, letting yourself go to his attentions.

He smiled smugly at your reaction, carrying your arm behind your back and with the hand closing your mouth he did the same with the other arm.

< I need you to be a good girl. > He said with a deep, hoarse voice, giggling in the same tone, already making you feel wet between the legs. You nodded in response, biting your lip and sobbing when you felt his fingers playing under your sweatshirt. It was ridiculous how wet you were with so little, but you blamed the abstinence from sex that lasted for weeks.

Only one of his hands remained to block your arms thanks to the wrists crossed, while his fingers caressed and followed the line that led to the center of your intimacy, making you squeak. You sighed heavily as he began rubbing his middle finger on your core, then descended towards your clitoris and began massaging it, switching with his thumb.

You slammed your head against the wall, biting your lip so hard that you broke it and spilled a trickle of blood that Keigo promptly licked while mumbling. A groan came out of your mouth, making you clench your fists and stick your nails in your palms, leaving small half moons on them. The blond smiled satisfied, pitting his erection against your stomach, making you feel how hard you had made him.

This was one of the things that Keigo loved most, your height so much lower than him, that he could make you feel his erection in that way or stand on top of you just like that, making you feel like a helpless little prey.

Keigo came to you with his fingers as easily as a knife cuts butter after being out of the fridge for hours. You dripped on his fingers and groaned obscenely against his ear, making him pant with pleasure, and then came out of you with a clean scissor kick. You left a small scream of frustration and he walked away from you, just enough to leave a small space for you to shoot but enough to look at you from above with that predatory look in the dim light, almost leaving that amber that he had in his eyes shine. < I want you to spread your legs on the bed right now. > He said in an authoritarian tone, observing how your legs were shaking for the previous stimulation. With a little heaviness you detached yourself from the wall and slowly walked, finding it behind you immediately after.

< Run, little mouse. > He growled against your ear, making you shudder and accelerate the pace, to get to the room < Run, because if I get to the room before you, I will make you scream so much that you will lose your voice. > He said to disappear into the dark.

You were almost tempted to be late and suffer the consequences, but you knew better not to play with fire, especially if the fire in question was a horny winged boy with so many perversions that BDSM could make a book about him. You stopped to think about the decision to be made but then you thought it was better not to disobey and arrive sooner.

Too bad that when you came to the room with your breath, there was your boyfriend on the doorjamb, with an annoyed look that turned to you, always predatory and that made you feel so small and insignificant.

< Too late, mouse. Take off your sweatshirt and get doggy on the bed, now. > his voice thundered in the empty room, making you tremble and nod. You felt like you were in a cage, you knew it wouldn’t go lightly, but maybe… you didn’t mind at all.

----------------AUTHOR'S NOTE----------------------------------------------------

I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Don’t hate me, I have to let you imagine some perverted scenes with your favorite winged hero, I know you can make whole sagas with the mind films you make about him.

Don’t hate me for this choice, I’m sure you’ll like it, the anon asked me for some nsfw and I wrote some of it

- Mel

[bastardrobocop]

not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

[storm-of-feathers]

cant sleep gonna say my thoughts.

I think what a lot of people miss about tumblr (and especially unfocused blogs that, say, aren't fandom oriented) is that it's essentially an open journal. it's a microblogging website, and all blogging micro or macro is fundamentally a web log (where the term comes from!). if it seems like I'm not talking ab something enough, it's not because I don't care at all.

It's because first and foremost, this blog is a piece of my soul that I am choosing to share. I'm not trying to be an activist on the internet, I'm not trying to sway anyone to my opinions. I'm saying the things I think and feel. If I talk ab american politics too much, that's because im american. if I'm writing frustrated posts about performative internet activism, that's because it feels exhausting to be out there doing the work (because that's what it is. Its work. Its boring and taxing and it feels like youre getting nowhere. Until you see how far youve come) and having to come to tumblr and seeing people say I didn't talk about [disaster 30000 of the past ten years] enough.

if I seem angry and upset and scared and irrational, its because i am those things. you have to understand. in spite of my rather large follower number, this blog is, first and foremost, for me. I am writing things down and allowing strangers and friends and wanderers to read it. I won't call it a privilege that can be taken away, bc its not like some of my thoughts are exactly a treat, but it is something to keep in mind.

if you ask me why I'm talking about the supreme courts recent decisions but not similar decisions in other countries, the answer comes down to "one of those directly affects me, and therefore i can fight back."

but I shouldn't have to announce where and how I'm fighting back. if for no other reason, my own fucking safety. but also bc this blog isn't any sort of guide to activism, it's not any type instruction. it is, at best, my diary that I published.

and that isn't a bad thing!! and it shouldn't be!!! that's why I harped so hard on the carrd post. that's why I'm vaguely annoyed with my reddit posts. that's why I shared my marital status and sexuality for a long time. that's why i have a rwby icon. that's why my blog title which hasn't changed since 2018 is what it is.

I understand that sometimes I have opinions people don't like. oceangate in particular has proven to be a fantastic example of that. But i am, at the most basic terminology, venting my thoughts and feelings.

that's why I'm talking ab the supreme court and their awful decisions. why I may not be talking about issues that don't directly affect me, but might affect some of you. it's not because i don't care. It's never because I don't care.

It's because my target audience is a mirror.

[ravenquingvax]

14 year old me deserved better

we shouldn't have been bullied, our parents shouldn't have emotionally neglected us, we shouldn't have been allowed free reign on the internet

i have irreversible trauma all because my parents didn't understand the difference between giving shelter & food to someone and real parenting

i felt abandoned and unloved and pushed away and hated

i felt utterly worthless to, and unwanted by, the very people who had fought to have me

my parents went through IVF to have me, you know, and yet my whole life I've never really felt loved or wanted by them

i ended up so alone and scared i fell into an older person's trap and was hurt in ways that i didn't understand back then

i felt so broken and discarded, like i truly had nothing left to give to anyone else

it really fucked me up

i understand how this all happened and it sickens me

i hate that some parents hate their children and hurt them internationally, i hate that some parents don't know love and therefore can't give it to their own children in the future

i hate that people refuse to accept that girls can be evil and predatory, i hate that we treat victims as criminals even if they "followed every rule"

its no wonder i gave up on my education in the end

its no wonder i stopped living

im stuck and I feel helpless

i was talking to people, I was getting help, I was making progress (and technically i still am but not in ways that truly help in the long run) but it got too overwhelming and i just fucking shut down again

i feel trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me

it never did and never will

i feel trapped in a cycle of anger and sadness and sickness and exhaustion

5 10 15 20 25 30

i feel so fucking stuck

so fucking done

i woke up at 6am today and i couldn't fall back asleep

i trued writing it off, literally by writing fanfiction, and I've refreshed tumblr and twitter so many times since I woke up that in kind of sick of them

its now 8am and I feel dead

but not energy wise

just emotionally unwound

I'll probably feel better after i have some water and talk to my boyfriend, knowing me

but i wanted to talk about how just fucked everything feels

i feel like a vase someone smashed into smithereens and that was put back together with paper mache and string

her name kills me almost every time I see or hear it now

i think i might hate myself less than her these days, honestly

she stole my innocence and my trust and my childish love

she robbed me of a colour, of a book series, of a movie, of a flower and of so much more

she probably doesn't even remember me anymore, if she's still alive after everything

i don't know what I'd prefer

5 10 15 20 25 30

would i rather she got help and found love and happiness?

would i rather the opposite?

i feel too tired to care

she's not the last, nor am i certain she was truly the first

but she ruined me in ways nobody else could dream to

she left a sickness in my veins that i cant get rid of

its almost become lovely

i would miss it if it were gone

the hate is ugly and hisses, but i take comfort in its heat

maybe i am broken, maybe she broke me, maybe

i woke up today with terrible thoughts of things i dont want to do to myself or to others

thats fucked up

i can't remember if i was always like this or if she did this

maybe its both

5 10 15 20 25 30

all i know is that im tired

i want to stop hurting

i want to stop being scared

i want to stop being angry

i want to stop being sad

i want to stop being so tired

i just want to live and love

i love people, i do

i hate feeling such strong hatred that im not so sure is even really my own

i just want to be happy

i feel sick

[ethernetmeep]

day summary: fine. weirdly enough discussed politics. asked my stance. say i dont really know but people should be allowed to exist. said communism is good in theory but in execution tends to turn totalitarian. im not an expert at political discussion so imagine im a mouse trying to explain the stock market here. fish out of water. asked if i was mad based off my tone of voice & cut dry demeanor. said a phrase i only wrote down but never published, “no, i just sort of talk like this. like grandmacore is cyanide. its cyanide to me.” & explained the way i talked a little bit. unsure if it helped. i am quiet by some nature. i gave my friend a red velvet cupcake though and some oreo chocolate to possibly make up for my abnormal behavior. i am always abnormal.. probably. there is something wrong with me constantly

walked through shelter facility. did not take photos, unfortunately. staff only areas. cats to be treated & soon off to the cages for the public eye to see. storage, many things. was assertive during the discussion. mother mentioned how i was never this assertive before; assumed good before bad. first interview of any nature, hence the help. as i have said before, i am a late bloomer. car ride was exhausting. told i was too assertive; i did not pick up on this in the moment. when i am excited i sometimes am tunnel visioned yet still logical. i know i do not have the gig, and it is fine if i never will. i am just happy to be having a conversation. cried because of forwardness. was afraid i made my interviewer uncomfortable. she said she loved my enthusiasm, but i am never sure. i am still somewhat scared about it. i hate making others uncomfortable & when i do i wish to apologize but in this certain circumstance i cannot because it will apparently make me immediately not get the job. prohibited from the only thing i understand. no one believes me when i say there is something wrong with me, but its also very likely my diagnosis of what is wrong is skewed & is just something which appears similar. i will never know. all i know is that its odd and i feel like an ethernet cable trying to be forced into a bluetooth headphone when the holes dont match & they dont align with one another.

oh yes, also actually further reading asimov on numbers. will finish before the month ends. after this, maybe i will hassle the sisyphus rock that is ulysses. maybe. i believe its likely i will pick up my book on the ocean as a nice break in between

as always thanks for reading. do appreciate it all. more cat images

oh yes frankie is also out of the office now. apparently he had bladder surgery hence his stay. hope he finds a nice home.. massachusetts has some of the highest adoption rates so that is nice to know

[coveredinredpaint]

hi! my name is rex too and i think thats pretty cool

anyway, i was wondering if you had any tips on dressing feminine but like,,,, also being able to pass? or tips on being confident enough to not need to pass?

heyy that is pretty cool!!

im gonna be honest with you, i never really managed to pass before starting t. there were like 5 times ppl gendered me correctly but after that they immediatly "corrected" themselves. the only person who didnt was a toddler, i hope hes doing great.

all the tips and tricks ppl gave out never worked for me, never managed to figure out why, im thinking it was mostly my voice.

so i got absolutely no passing advice for you, but i can definitely tell you how to work on your confidence and say fuck you to societies ridiculous expectations

(it turned out longer than i distracted, i cant give concrete advice apparently my apologies)

tw: mention of bullying and some mental health stuff but nothing heavy

before i start i will say that it takes time. it takes time to learn and let go of this need to fit in. to learn to do your own thing even if you have to do it alone. to grow and learn who you want to be or are.

first we need to understand that expectations of how we should act or dress or look, whether based on our gender or not, are absolute bullshit. like straight up made up.

step one is kill the cop in your head. every time you judge yourself (or someone else) for something, ask why you care about that. most of the time its cause you have been taught in some way that what youre doing is not according to "the rules". this can be for the smallest things, like when i get really excited and stim about something i used to feel embarassed because "men dont act like that". sometimes i still feel that way. its not something you can just get rid of, so its important to actively affirm yourself that what youre doing is okay and that you are allowed to do what makes you happy.

dealing with yourself is already a hell of a challenge, but other people, that something else. i hope you live in an accepting area and i have heard many stories of people are queer fully accepted for it. but often thats sadly not yet the case. surely isnt for me at my school. there are people who are gonna make you feel like shit, who are gonna call you all the horrible things the voice in your brain calls you too. you are gonna wish you were "normal" sometimes, even if you dont really mean it.

going back to normal? going back in the closet? letting go of the clothes that make my feel better even on the most dysphoric days? fuck no, i finally started to get myself, my life back, im not sacrificing that for some teens whos names i dont even know. so you turn it around, no longer "why do they treat me like that" but "how dare they treat me like that" if they kick you while youre down you better bite their ankles and dont let go. most people who bully people who are "other" are terrified of what they see in us. we are living proof that their belief of how the world should work is very wrong. they call you a fag and a tranny? you better come to school next day in the gayest clothes you own. they call you an emo and bark at you? you better be dressed even more punk the next day. they may laugh at you, yell at you, even record you or push you around. it doesnt matter, they hold no power over who you are.

but please do not try and carry this alone. dont let yourself turn bitter. its is difficult to be treated like shit for simply existing. even when it doesnt hurt as much as it did its still exhausting. find someone to talk to, whether its a family member you trust, a friend, a mental health professional or other queer people online. its important not to suppress your feelings. get them out, by either talking about them or writing or making art or music.

know that its your life and you can live it however the hell you want. be kind to yourseld, be kind to others. if you are not where you want to be to right now you will in the future. cant really call it a life if you didnt live for it. it will get better, you just got to keep going and keep fighting.

[softdaemons]

everytime i return to my sns hours all i can think about is naruto and sasuke traveling together post ending, after trying to live in the village but they just cant for all the obvious reasons. sasuke can't sit still and even though he conceded at the end of their fight he hasn't changed his mind in that the world /needs/ a revolution. it takes a while and alot of fighting and denial on narutos part most of the time leading to one of them bursting out the door in anger not being able to take conversations anymore lack of conversation, but naruto eventually allows himself an ounce of honesty that the villages obsession with him ushering naruto onto a pedestal of being a hero and beelining him to be the future hokage sakura pushing him towards hinata the death cost of the war the continued treatment towards sasuke. it all pains him, a cruel mix of ptsd trauma and depression ontop of rage and anger after what his family has gone through, he has gone through, sasuke, and everyone else he's met along the way that have been orphaned or treated wrong by the shinobi world.

so they eventually agree to leave because konoha is exhausting and claustrophobic to say the least, with a quickstop at nekobaas to get properly set up with material, but also mentally prepare before truly leaving. nekobaa and her apprentice both give them some tips of neighboring places that may be looked past by the other villages that they can look into for money and lodging should they want it, and thats the way naruto and sasuke exist for a while. taking odd jobs, protecting innocents from other desperate or vile induvials looking to get on top with the new changes swirling around. months stretch into a year or so and of course they fall in open love, naruto pondering and feeling guilt of being away from home for so long, but he gets anxious over falling into the mix of expectations again, and sasuke keeps him up. the closest they ever go back to konoha again is maybe to visit gaara.

i'd imagine from time to time team taka comes along on their journey. deep down naruto and sasuke bitterly thinking that things couldve been like this maybe. not separated and working together earlier on. but they don't dwell on it for now and over the course of one meetup karin and naruto whove been hitting it off through their lineage start gossiping over uzushio and this basically turns into my excuse of naruto and sasuke settling down at the whirlpool ruins, taka included. i want to imagine they turn it into a place of respite for those who may have been displaced during the war - most of those individuals being ones crawling out of hiding being descendants of the uzumaki and other orphans. its a beautiful sanctuary and a spearhead for naruto and sasukes plans of creating widespread change, from dismantling shinobi programs to train child soldiers, publicizing history starting with the destruction of uzushio and the uchiha etc etc your basics.

im iffy on there being also being a few uchiha stragglers - survivors who had left konoha in secret. im sure konoha would not allow or even the clan head allowing individuals to leave the village in order to keep them all in one place/together. but i can buy some people making it out wanting a life away, but after the massacre events living in secret as normal civilians, only coming out of hiding post war after hearing about the sanctuary being built for another clan and being assisted by the infamous sasuke.

ALSO. i think naruto would be fierce in fighting for jinchuuriki and what the world has done to the tailed beast and their hosts alike. extremely determined to protect them and mourning not only his family but another one he never got to know with the other hosts. i can see bee stopping by uzushio as a sort of second home and them bonding and training more in a way that sasuke cant even understand. i think it would def help naruto build upon his own independent identity. honestly idr canons comments on the jinchuurikis fate but i think it would be the sweetest thing if the beasts came across individuals they connected to that they could find their own hosts and they would come to uzushio to train with nar and bee.

im gonna shut up now this is the most self indulgent au trying to cram 92852837 things in it at once. tldr. sasuke and naruto are in love and after a while and deep into their healing process they start their own family and have 2 daughters.

[storybookprincess]

i hope its okay for me to write to you, but i feel like… im slowing losing my passion in writing? not really. i know thats not true because i still have so much fun with writing but sometimes i just feel like nothing i write matters and i’ll never be as good as other people because my first language isnt english. and i know, i know - comparison is a thief of joy and i usually dont compare, i swear (i even hide my stats on ao3 so i dont have to measure myself with numbers). its just that.. sometimes its tough. i dont know what i want. i dont want to quit but this just drives me crazy sometimes haha anyway.. have you ever feel that way? any tips on overcoming it? (if you dont want to answer, thats fine - thanks anyway for giving me a space to rant)

i’m going to keep it 100% real with you—i’m actually dealing with the exact same thing right now

i just feel……… tired as soon as even i think about writing. i wonder what happened to the person who could bang out 2k words within an afternoon & still feel that irrepressible itch to write more. big projects don’t seem invigorating & exciting anymore; they just sound exhausting. and it terrifies me, because being a writer is so central to who i am. if i lose that, then what??

anyway, all of that is to say that the following advice is as much for myself as it is for you, and that you’re not alone in this struggle:

1. first, take a deep breath. it’s okay. it’s okay for your passion to wax & wane. it’s okay if you take a little hiatus from writing or posting anything. its okay if you take a big one. it’s okay if things about your writing routine change. you are a writer, and you always will be a writer, even if you don’t put another word on paper for the next decade. you’re a writer not because of your word count, or your current wip, or the time you dedicate to writing today, but because of how writing has shaped who you are. because if you went back in time & erased writing from your life thus far, you would no longer be you. you’re a writer, now & forever, and nothing can change that

2. with all that being said, i hope you can understand that it’s okay to take a break. in fact, it might be necessary. i’m actually taking a break for the month of january, because i know that if i keep pushing myself when i’m creatively running on empty, i’m only going to further deplete my resources, not restore them. when i was younger, i used to think of decisions as all or nothing. you either keep writing or your quit. but that’s not true at all. you can take a break, even an indefinite break, and pick right back up where you left off. taking a break isn’t quitting, and while i know every creative person online is currently suffering from Content Machine Disease, you are allowed to go weeks or months or even years without sharing your work. breaks are okay. breaks are necessary

3. think about the bigger picture. first, what life stressors are you dealing with right now? these can often be hard to spot, but they lurk in the background, sapping your creative energy. you can’t run a marathon on a broken leg, and you can’t create when your mental energy is being drained. have grace & patience with yourself as you sort out the big stuff or just weather the storm. life obstacles to writing are very real

and second, try to think back to when you were most passionate about writing. when writing was thrilling and exciting and invigorating. what was it about that time that was different? did you have close writing friends who have since drifted away? were you writing about certain topics, or in certain formats? how has your mindset towards yourself & your creativity changed? for me, i’ve realized that i probably need to start replying to comments again, because that was a huge part of my excitement & joy when my love for writing was at its peak. how can you recreate those past circumstances in your life right now?

as always, i’ve gotten way too long winded 😅 if you got through this whole reply, thank you. i am wishing you all the best in rediscovering your passion, and please know that we’re walking that road together