#im so disconnected. i don't know who i am

[allent-ayep]

I would like to tell you who I am and what I draw (besides the anchored post). I'm Allent or aYep (АЙеп) . I'm 20, yep.

I've been in the babtqftim fandom since 2018, when the original author's comic was still active and I was very young to be thinking about anything. I was hooked by the character designs rather than the plot, so I started writing fanfics in the "as original" genre, completely separate from the comix in terms of plot and using only the characters' appearances, not even a character. Sorry, I was disconnected from the English-speaking fandom as I dwelled exclusively in the RU community, where I gained quite a large audience by my standards, created several groups and drew illustrations for my fanfics. I've never read IM, so forgive me if I can't do fanart since I don't know the plot or the characters (I'm ashamed), but as far as I became aware after a year spent in tumblr, it's now considered canon. Unfortunately, my knowledge of Eng is very poor, I will wait until I finish the translation to fully familiarize myself with the story, but in the meantime I've been creating my stories for 7-8 years. My first fanfic was "Ink Pearl" (350+ pages of horror and shame). It's now deleted, but in a few years it will be rebooted, and if I can find a good translator, I'll publish it on ao3 as well. In general, I have 5 AU on another platform, they sometimes appear in illustrations, but mostly I draw on the current fanfic "The Whole City's Sleeping". You can check it out on ao3

I don't know why I decided to tell this. I understand that rus are not very well-liked and not always everyone will be able to understand some nuances or humor, I know, it's hard for me to understand a lot of things too, since I'm weak in slang and often use an online translator, I don't understand what is canon and what someone doesn't like. I just wanted to explain why I'm so stupid or misunderstand comments/messages, I really irresponsibly studied English in school and university😭 (I'm studying to be an architect by the way). The different mentality gives a little gap between me and the wonderful subscribers of this little account. Thank you for taking the time to look at me🥺❤️

Please, if there are questions or outrages about anything, write me a detailed comment, it's important, I want to understand everything and explain it too if necessary. I'm dumb

[adhbabey]

I didn't know my head could be so quiet.

In a traumatic space, where I'm unaware of my identity and myself, confused why my alters won't front. The whole time, I was thinking, "Why isn't anyone fronting? Why isn't anyone coming to save me? Why am I alone right now in my thoughts?" And I don't know if I even realized how dissociated I was from everyone, that I couldn't feel or hear anything because the trauma was so intense.

It is said that systems lose activity in a safe space, but I feel like that could be not said for this situation that I experienced very recently. I couldn't hear or think of anyone in my head. I felt as though some alters were rather close. My co-host, Rai, two of my protectors, Damien and Tsuki. But I couldn't perceive any of them, nor could I perceive myself. It was like I wasn't real, and wasn't really me.

All my friends and people around me were real. I remembered them, as best as I could, I knew who they were. But I was in a cycle of self loathing and loneliness. I felt so disconnected from everyone around me. I still feel afraid to reach out. I don't want to be harassed and abused again.

My head is still swimming, I am numb and in pain. I am reaching for a light to come and heal me. I still don't know where I am. I still don't know who I am. But I lived through several days of repeated trauma. And I'm terrified and numb at the same time.

I'm scared, I'm suicidal, I feel alone there. I'm decompressing, and slowly realizing how tense I was the entire time. I feel like I'm able to understand that I wasn't able to really feel anything. I don't know if I fully processed what happened to me, and why I am experiencing the way I am right now.

But trauma is so fucked up. And I didn't realize my whole body becomes so dissociated when I'm in it. So much so that I don't notice the others inside my own head.

[sebbyisland]

akanematic.mp4 (youtube link)

[wingsofhcpe]

yall ever get the urge to disappear and/or rebrand your entire online presence or is it just me

[dullahandyke]

i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard

[cryptojuice]

take this with a grain of extremely drunk but at this point I'm my journey? now? I'm like literally the idealest person in the world and I think everyone else has something wrong with them

[psilactis]

feeling some sort of way about being a late diagnosis autistic adult

[honeytonedhottie]

honey's fashion commandments⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🪞🎀

welcome to honey's fashion commandments where i break down the basic principles of fabulosity! the rules that i SWEAR by when it comes to dressing up and feeling glamorous, think of this as my style bible, but with pink highlighter and lip gloss stains…💬🎀

COMMANDMENT ONE ; DRESS FOR SELF FIRST, TRENDS WILL FOLLOW

theres nothing wrong with keeping up with trends but when you're SO caught up in it, you lose your originality and sense of style and thats NOT hot. only follow trends that you feel connected to/that follow your style already. we don't wanna be someone we're not and feel disconnected to our true sense of style. fashion is self expression just like we talked about in a previous post so its highly important to dress for you!

especially because we're trend setters more than we are trend followers. if u feel like following a trend, put ur own twist on it and give it that flair that only you can give it. originality above all.

COMMANDMENT TWO ; MIX HIGH AND LOW FASHION

i never subscribed to the idea that if we wear luxury we can't wear thrifted pieces and i think thats just total bullshit. thrifted finds + luxe pieces = chef's KISS. because i love thrifted and DIY-ing my clothes so i can have pieces that no one else has, but in that same breath i love spoiling myself and buying myself expensive pieces for my closet. be your own stylist babe, dont let people make you feel bad if u thrift/buy things on the less expensive side.

COMMANDMENT THREE ; ALWAYS ACCESSORIZE

accessories literally make your outfit you don't understandddd. bracelet stacks, signature necklaces, earrings, all of the above. cute hats, statement purses, shoes. a good outfit is all in the details and this is something i understand really well. your signature touch is in the details so it's important to have a good accessory collection and learn how to accessorize accordingly to your outfits.

COMMANDMENT FOUR ; ALWAYS DRESS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO RUN INTO AN OPP

look, i have no opps (and if i do, then its one-sided) but kimora lee simmons says this and i've always kept it close to my heart because i strive to look my best as much as possible/always. fashion communicates something always so i always wanna look like the glamorous divalicious barbie that i am, therefore i always put the effort into getting ready and wearing pretty clothes.

like it doesn't matter WHERE im going, if im going grocery shopping i’ll throw on a cute matching set, my juicy tubes gloss, and some gold hoops—because you never know who you’re gonna see.

[luveline]

I love bombshell!reader omg they’re so cutie. Im in an angst mood so imagine reader finally being hit emotionally hard on a case and asking spencer to stay with her in the hotel?? The rest of the team tries so hard to help but only Spencer can help her omg 🥹

thank you for your request ♡ fem!reader

Morgan has an arm around you. It's the first thing Spencer notices, and he thinks, Thank fuck. Thank fuck someone's holding you together. And then he thinks, Maybe I should be that someone. 

He's never seen you shaking that hard. Your usual easy air, not unlike Penelope's, has shrunk to nought. There's no flirty smile sent his way as he approaches, no dramatic throw of Moran's arm. I'd never cheat on my baby, you'd say, though you and Spencer aren't really dating. 

"You okay?" he asks. 

Spencer feels powerless in the face of your despair. You're obviously not fine. Kids always hit you the worst, and so many? Your reaction is warranted if uncharacteristic. 

You don't answer him. Morgan squeezes your arm and stands with a kiss to the top of your head. "I'll leave you in the best hands," he says in way of farewell. 

Spencer sits in the space Morgan vacates, hand behind your shoulder, his fingers curling between your side and your upper arm. You've had blood wiped out of your eyes haphazard, crusting of crimson on your lashes like a morbid mascara. He feels like crying for you. 

"Hey," he says, giving your back a slow, heavy handed rub, "Sorry I wasn't here." 

"That's okay." Your voice is all shudders like a trapped moth. "I'm okay." 

He steers your face to his with a cautious hand to look at you properly. With want of a better method, he takes your untouched water bottle and holds it to his sleeve, pulling it over his fingers while the fabric is still saturated to wipe away the missed blood.

You follow his touch, eyes closing with a quick, pained sigh. Like he's pricked you with a knifepoint.

"I know you think you have to be perfect," Spencer says, sleeve turning a dirty orange, "but this is enough to affect anybody." 

"I am perfect," you say quietly. It falls flat. 

Spencer cups both sides of your face. Your eyes flutter open at the feeling. "You're perfect. And a perfect person would handle this badly." 

His hands look rigid compared to the soft slopes of your cheeks, but they're gentle. 

Tears like silver line your eyes. You wear grief like everything else until suddenly you don't, a crack, a sniffle and you're turning your face into one of his hands desperately. Spencer knows what you need before you're moving, pulling you into his chest with a hand braced behind your neck. 

"It's okay," he says, hoping that if he says it with enough conviction it'll be true. "It's not your fault. There was nothing else we could do."

You shake your head from side to side against his shoulder. "I should've been quicker. I knew what was going to happen, I knew. And I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't–" Your sob is pulled from you on a hook, hard and sudden enough to end in a wheeze.

Spencer doesn't know what else to do but hug you and hope it calms you down. He's not used to being the most composed of the two of you, a disconnect between the salacious woman who hounds him relentlessly and the one who's falling apart in the circle of his arms. 

You shake. Spencer rubs your back, shielding you from the cold weather until Hotch shouts for the BAU to fall in and get ready to leave. 

"Will you stay with me?" you ask, pulling away from his chest reluctantly. "I don't want to be alone. The hotel's too…" 

Spencer frowns, eyes closed, his face crushed to the side of your head. "Of course I will." 

He knows what you were going to say. It's too quiet after all of tonight's noise. And alone, blaming yourself, he knows you'll scare yourself. Tear yourself to pieces. So Spencer sticks to you like glue from the SUV to the hotel to the jet the next morning. He'd do anything you asked him to do no matter how hard. 

When you're ready, you'll fall back into your flirtatious routines. For now, Spencer takes your twitching hands under the table and holds them.

[writersdiscouragment-blog]

"You're an idiot."

"Hello to you too, Ryan." Oliver grumbled while making a pot of coffee. It was still early, barely 7 and he hardly gotten any sleep. The plan was to sleep in since call time wasn't till the next day, but Oliver wasn't used to sleeping past 6 during weekdays.

"I saw your interview. Bro, you need to be careful. You and Lou already have fans thinking you're a couple for real."

Oliver rolled his eyes. It was a fair warning, although he was used to fans thinking he and Ryan were a couple. In comparison, the tweets about him and Lou were a drop in the ocean.

"Considering I still have psychotic fans dm-ing me about cheating on you even before the interview, I don't think there's much I can do right or wrong at this point." Oliver pointed out, he busied himself by letting Jade and Bear out to the backyard.

He heard Ryan let out a gruff sigh, "Look, I know you're doing this social media block or whatever, but now they're scouting out our location while we're out filming. I just don't want you to get harassed or whatever by some fans who thinks that buddie is real and decides to make it your problem. It's bad enough they think you talk to them through your photos."

Oliver grimaced at that, he knew fame came with cons- he was just having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that so many people thought they had an actual relationship with him.

Half of them didn't know he was even British.

"I appreciate the warning, I'm sure Lou does as well but i dont think its gonna make any difference. We both seen how some people take it too far. Im off twitter for that reason." Oliver made his usual cup of coffee and got started on the second cup, poking his head in his fridge to see if he had what was needed to make banana pancakes.

"Yeah, but not Lou. He's still getting hounded so just ease up on the heart eyes, he gets enough death threats as it is. I doubt he needs to deal with fans thinking he's in a relationship with you, the guy is still single. Don't hurt his chances now."

Oliver honestly couldn't figure out if Ryan was joking or not, but he figured it didn't hurt to be a smart ass while having such a dumb conversation. "Are you saying he could do better than me? Ryan, I'm hurt."

He could almost imagine Ryan rolling his eyes at him. "Way better, Oli."

"You dick." Oliver heard foot steps coming his way. "Look, Ryan, I appreciate the warning. I'll try to calm down the heart eyes okay?"

"Thank you. That's all I ask, you and Lou don't need that drama if the show keeps Buck and Tommy together."

"Agreed." Oliver didn't jolt at the warm hands and arms wrapping along his middle under his shirt. "Talk soon, man?"

"Yeah, later."

Oliver disconnected the call and turned around to see a very tired Lou, his hair sticking up in curly tuft and a good amount of stubble over his jaw.

"Morning." Oliver could already feel his face heat up as Lou pulled him closer to kiss.

"I thought the plan was to sleep past 8 am for once." Lou complained petulantly. He nuzzled his face unto the crook of Oliver's neck, his words causing Oliver to let out a huff of a laugh, "We should be in bed, you should be spooning me right now."

Oliver carded his fingers through Lou's hair, "I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep, figured I could just make us breakfast instead."

That didn't seem to appease Lou at all, the older man continued to hug Oliver as Oliver tried to make pancakes for them. "Who was that? On the phone?" Lou asked sleepily.

"Ry." Oliver petted Lou's head again before grabbing a bowl and bananas. "He wanted to give me a heads up, or a warning I guess?"

That had Lou wake up a bit. "A warning? About the show or something else?"

Oliver sighed, "Both? I guess. Apparently I keep blushing when I talk about you to the point where some people are asking if we're a couple." Oliver couldn't help but laugh as he felt Lou smile into his neck.

"Imagine that. Us?" Lou feigned disgust, his nose scrunching up that Oliver couldn't help but find adorable. "Good heavens no."

"Shut up." Oliver swatted his arm, "He just doesn't want either of us to go through what he and I went through."

Lou let out a soft hum, watching Oliver intently. "I know we agreed to keep things between us, did you want us to be more discreet?" Truth be told, Lou was under the impression he was doing a good job at distancing himself from Oliver but not the show or Tevan. He had seen what Oliver had gone through and didn't want to add to it.

"No...I mean." Oliver took a deep breath in and out. "I don't know to be honest?" He admitted, he relaxed and leaned into Lou. "I didn't realize I was being that obvious when talking about you." He felt himself flush again as Lou kissed his neck and then cheek.

"I'm not complaining. I like the fact that I have that affect on you." Lou mumbled into Oliver's neck. "It's selfish, but I like that people can tell that I make you happy. I can make you smile that Lou smile."

Oliver let out an annoyed groan, "I do not have a Lou smile." He had given up on making the pancakes, enjoying just being swayed and kissed by his boyfriend.

"Fine." Lou conceded without any fuss. He kissed Oliver on the lips, they were meant to be short quick pecks but Oliver turned in Lous hold so that he could chest to chest with Lou, grabbing his hips as he deepened the kiss.

Oliver wasn't sure who pulled away first, but his grip on Lou's hips tightened. "Okay," he sighed, kissing Lou again who just hummed and waited for Oliver to continue, "Maybe I do have a Lou smile. Is that so bad?"

Lou smiled into the next kiss, enjoying how Oliver seemed to just give into the kiss and his holds "No, I don't think it is."

Besides, Lou thought Oliver's "Lou smile" went along with his "Looking at Oliver eyes" well.

[thecoolerliauditore]

on one hand, very glad my suspicions of burnout and gimmicks as a result of fear of losing viewership were wrong at least as far as we know. im glad the CCs are having fun and their enjoyment is being prioritized, even if i am still not entirely convinced everyone's on the same page.

on the other hand, it's melancholic but this is pretty much the nail in the coffin in me having any interest left in future installments of the series. for those of you concerned: I am forever haunted by my brain diseases and will be continuing to post, write and draw 3L - SL for the rest of my forseeable life (plus completely disconnecting from any need I feel to interact with WL and beyond leaves me with more time to work on. certain larger scale projects I have had plans for)

i respect grians decision-making and he would know better than me how to run a youtube series, however I do question how much of an oxymoron it is to not care about viewer feedback for a youtube series run on viewership (and when so many of the recent behind the scenes decisions we've been privy to - such as Scar and Grian's hesitancy to team up based on comments calling them "boring" -- imply the opposite regarding the cast's mindset). it makes me concerned for the longevity of the series going forward, since those not happy with the direction that I've seen have all been very passionate and old fans, but I've also seen an equal if not louder support for this season, so I digress.

Part of me wonders how much of the "we want last life 2" sentiment (<-- something I've previously spoken about how I don't agree with) the cast has been exposed to, since it felt strange to me that it was even bought up. I have had a thought about this and the consequences of "don't maintag your negativity" e.g. the reasonable people know to hide their critical posts, and what that leaves a creator with are the unreasonable people, and if it's only that feedback that gets processed, then inevitably things tend to go in weird directions. Were any of us actually "tired" of Desert Duo interacting? Were any of us mad at Gem for killing Grian in SL?

It's frustrating to see crit posts get flagged down with accusations of disrespecting or attacking the CCs, or "we don't want you here anyway, just leave," when myself and all the people I've spoken to being not avid haters but rabid fans who feel frustrated and actively want to continue liking the series. Not to mention most of the people also being active members of the fandom ontop of that -- we claim that fanart is important and makes the series even more special than it already is, yet people seem more than happy to sacrifice that just for the sake of not seeing critical opinions.

t-shirt that says blah blah blah. but I reserve the right of feeling disappointed.

[syscest]

I feel like i want to explore being plural but i also dont feel like i understand it enough and i live in constant fear that im disrespectful, misunderstanding, and just faking it to feel special.

I do feel like there is a disconnect in who i am at different times, the most jarring between me being ace and slightly sex repulsed normally and then suddenly just moments of extreme horniness. But i also just dont feel like i have continuity of character at all, like every version of me before and after Right Now This Moment is an entirely different person

many many many systems are made to feel like they're "just faking things for attention". plural imposter syndrome is so common i don't think i know a single system who hasn't had to work thru it to some degree.

you cannot disrespect other plural systems by exploring a potential plural explanation for your own experiences - it helps to be conscious of the variety of plural experiences out there and not expect everyone else's experience to be the same as yours, but that only matters for your interactions with other systems.

if you're worried about misunderstanding plurality it always helps to listen to a variety of other systems' experiences, as usual plural respect is a good starting point but there's a lot to be gained from just hearing other systems' personal experiences too.

splits between "very horny part of the system" and "not at all horny part of the system" are pretty common! plenty of systems have some headmates who are very dtf and others who want that shit kept far away from them. it's not unheard of as a kind of fluctuating asexuality either, but that doesn't mean you can't explore both possibilities.

and yeah uhhhh. been there with the feeling like you don't have a stable continuous identity thing. for us plurality helped resolve a lot of that, both via providing more identity structure for us to glom onto and by helping identify patterns of identity that were already there. I can't guarantee it's what will work for you and plurality certainly isn't the answer to all identity problems. but like,

these are all fairly common experiences for plural systems. i think it's worth exploring the possibility, especially if that's something you already want to do.

[youremyheaven]

Ketu: Detachment & Connection

I thought I would expand more on the nature of Ketu in this post. Although both Rahu and Ketu are shadow planets (they are the north and south node of the moon) they experience this darkness very differently. Rahu seeks intense immersion in their experiences and seeks to absorb as much of their material realm (Rahu is the head) but Ketu is disconnected from this completely (Ketu being the headless torso) and even if they want to, they cannot immerse themselves in the material realm, they find it disorienting or simply feel disconnected from it all. Its meaningless to them.

The Ketu nakshatras are Ashwini, Magha & Mula

Ketu is in the darkness and to be Ketuvian is to be in a tunnel perpetually seeking the light. It can be a very uneasy energy to inhabit if imbalanced but this is why spirituality is so important to Ketu natives, they have to cultivate spiritual discipline if they are to peacefully embody this energy and find clarity in its detachment. Most people struggle with overattachment, so having this Ketuvian energy is a great starting point since you're already detached but grounding is very important as there is such a thing as being too detached or uncaring.

The Ketuvian struggle for connection reminds me of certain 8h themes and I think 8housers and Ketuvians have a lot in common in that regard. You need to have an intense kind of connection to feel anything at all, everything else feels kind of mild to your senses. Only intensity can wake you up and make you feel "awake" or "aware" as Ketuvians are sort of in this passive detached state otherwise.

I noticed many of these themes in Jungkook's solo songs. He is a Magha Moon and Mula Rising (he has such a puppy energy, it must be Mula's dog yoni hehe)

I had mentioned in one of my previous posts that being heavily tatted (a full sleeve of tattoos or just being covered in tattoos) is a very Nodal thing to do because they're plunged in shadows and making a mark spiritually helps them feel more connected or because they have to indulge in the extremes of anything for it to feel impactful.

Jungkook has a song called "Still With You" released in 2020, widely considered a love letter to army. These are the English translation of some of its lyrics that I found correlating to his Ketuvian energy

"That faint voice of yours that grazed me Please call my name one more time I'm standing under the frozen light, but I'll walk step by step towards you Still with you

With no light in the darkroom I shouldn't get used to it But I'm used to it again The low-pitched sound of this air conditioner If I don't have this, I will fall apart We laugh together, we cry together I guess these simple feelings were everything to me"

Fame can be a very intoxicating and addictive experience for Nodal natives. Since they feel very disconnected otherwise, they experience connection when it is pouring in such a large or vast scale. But this sort of dependence on fame and fans can also be destabilising and unhealthy because you never know when it might all go away. Since fame is so fickle, its dangerous to rely on it to feel "connected". This is why soooo many Nodal natives who are celebrities are sooo often self-destructive. You keep chasing that high and you'll never feel satisfied, you can never fill the vacuum you have and the harder you try, the more empty you feel.

I don't say any of this to be discouraging, im only trying to point out the emotional expectations we place upon certain experiences and even relationships and how it turns toxic and unhealthy when we do that. If we were to use another person to feel connected or tethered to the world, whilst it may work for us, they must feel very drained by being our anchor.

Jungkook has another demo called Decalcomania and the lyrics go like this:

When I see you smile in the screen You're good at everything You're just perfect Feels like I've never been you

Do you even see me? Do you know who I am? Or how do I look now? You don't like me like that

Come and tell me so much, you beautiful heart Oh, I'm gonna listen to you Please

All the numbers too big Can't get out of your game Oh, I want to paint it like you Please

I want to be your decalcomania I want you I want to be your decalcomania I want I want you

He is singing about himself and how he feels dissociated from himself. Fame can be a very dissociative experience for Ketu natives as their search for connection means they feel even more disconnected from the person they become to achieve this connection. Decalcomania refers to the process by which engravings are transferred to another surface (paper, pottery etc). It ties back to Ketu's need to be marked upon, they need something to make an impression on them, literally, because otherwise it does not feel real to them. Jungkook is asking himself to transfer the person he sees on screen to himself, so that he can embody the lightness and joy he sees on him.

Jungkook has another solo song called My Time in which he sings:

"24, feels like I became a grown-up faster than everyone else My life has been a movie, all the time I ran to where the sun rises every single night It's like I've been to someone's tomorrow The boy who found the world too big Keep on runnin' errday, pick the mic up Friends ridin' subway, I'll be in the aeroplane mode All over the world rock on, I made my own lotto But is it too fast? There are traces of losses Don't know what to do with, am I livin' this right? Why am I alone in a different time and space?"

Nodal natives (both Rahu & Ketu) regardless of whether they're child stars or not, have to grow up faster than others. This again makes them feel very disconnected from kids their age, you feel vv lonely.

Oh, I think I was in yesterday 'Cause everybody walk too fast I'm a little kid grown up not knowing it (Like a child who got lost) This got me oh just trippin’ It feels I'm roaming over Don't know what to do with, am I livin' this right? Why am I alone in a different time and space?

It feels confusing and disorienting to live a life that others cant relate to you. Immense wealth and fame can make you feel this way but Ketuvians feel this way in general. They look around them and they feel lost like everybody else is moving too fast.

"Sometimes when I'm gasping for air I wear my hat low and keep running Yeah, I don't gotta know where I go Even if it's opposite of sun One time for the present Two time for the past Happy that we met each other Now 'til the very end"

He's expressing his gratitude for everything even though it feels so alienating and confusing.

There is another song called Stay Alive in which he sings:

"그림잔 커져가지만 Although my shadow grows larger,

괜찮아 너란 큰 빛 덕분이니 It’s okay because it’s thanks to the great light that is you"

This is such a sincere explanation of what its like to be a Ketuvian in the limelight, he's thankful for having such a vast fanbase, the source of his "light" (remember that Ketu is in darkness and is always seeking light) but chasing this light means having to morph into somebody else/feeling disconnected from yourself which he succinctly expresses through the line "my shadow grows larger". Since Ketu is in perpetual darkness and is a shadow planet, it does not confront its shadow on its own. Its the seeking, the constant chasing for the light which they need that brings them to see their shadow.

Perhaps you feel very void and disconnected in general but you have a friend or a partner who makes you feel very tethered, through them you absorb their light but this also means you learn to look at yourself more clearly (Ketuvians are blind to their own nature) and this can be a very disconcerting and difficult experience if you've seldom ever felt "seen".

Emma Watson, Ashwini Sun, Mula Moon

I remember reading this interview in like 2010 where she said that whilst doing red carpets for the last Harry Potter movies she would have these moments where she looked into the mirror and felt very disconnected from the person she saw.

She subsequently turned to yoga and meditation and is even a certified yoga instructor. She has also mentioned going on silent retreats.

Ketu natives truly find balance in their lives when they cultivate a spiritual practice and devote themselves to it. Emma has largely stayed out of the limelight in the last decade or so and will probably continue to do so, this is very Ketuvian again, these natives find social interactions, especially the kind of intensive press tour celebrity life to be very draining, they need to retreat and do things in a way that is "real" to them. Emma has spoken about taking a break from acting and working behind the scenes.

Jungkook deleted his IG despite having 40+ million followers and like most Ketu natives he is very private and has no social media. It does not feel natural or real to them.

In her British Vogue interview, Emma said,

"...Her characters have felt, at times, “much realer” than she was. “I’m just so glad that I did [step away from acting] because I have this feeling of having my own voice and creative space and sovereignty in some way that I don’t think I did before".

This time has allowed Watson to concentrate on her “inner scorecard” (how you feel about yourself on the inside), versus her “outer scorecard” (your outward success, as seen on social media, for example). “I get a front row seat [with] some of the most successful, beautiful, incredible people in the world,” she says of Hollywood’s inner sanctum. “And when you have that seat it becomes very, very clear that there is just absolutely no level of success that will make you in any way happy or content if you do not like who you are or enjoy what you’re doing when no one’s watching.”

All of this feels like evolved, balanced and mature Ketu energy.

Miranda Kerr, Ashwini Sun

She is another person who I've always thought embodies a very healthy and evolved Ketuvian energy

Here's an excerpt from her interview:

“First, I try to do a little meditation and yoga, depending on how I feel. I've been meditating since I was 18. I've learnt Transcendental Meditation and Kriya Yoga Meditation, but sometimes I'm just too much in my head and so I need to put on an app. I use Insight Timer, which has different guided meditations, from a five- or 10-minute meditation or deeper ones which help if I can't sleep.

“Gratitude puts everything into perspective. The way that we speak to ourselves is really important, and to be aware to pull yourself up if you’re being self-critical and try and look at things in a positive way. For example, we can look outside and say, ‘oh my goodness, I can't believe it's raining’, or we can look outside and go, ‘well, it's cosy when it rains, I'd love to be inside and I get to wear my favourite scarf’ – we can switch our whole perspective on so many things. For me, waking up in the morning and thinking of at least three things I’m grateful for is so important. Just simple things like, ‘I’m grateful that we have fresh running water’.”

Salma Hayek, Magha Rising

Salma has been practising meditation and yoga for decades and has said: “It’s actually feeling the energy,” she said. “It moves and it dances inside of you, different sensations and emotions. So I use a lot of the frequency machines.”

Hayek claimed that her meditation works wonders for her appearance. “Sometimes when I’m doing it, people tell me when I come out of the room, ‘Oh my god. You look 20 again,'" she said.

She also warned that if she stopped meditating, her face would suffer. “When I don’t do it for a while, guess what?” she said. “The face starts to drop and everything starts to drop.”

Spirituality comes easier for women than men imo and Ketuvian women are more likely to buy into all things spiritual like crystal cleansing, chakra reading and even other offbeat spiritual techniques.

Gigi Hadid, Ashwini Sun & Rising

Gigi is another person who embodies really healthy Ketuvian energy

In her interviews, she always sounds very grounded and tethered. She said:

"I got pregnant and I really started to think about what I wanted after, when the world opened back up. (she got pregnant during covid) It kept coming back to just a more stabilized schedule where I’m not in a different country every week. This is very stabilizing. I have an office that I come to. I know everyone here. I don’t have to look a certain way to show up. It’s a different experience for me, and it was the right time because I was ready for that,” 

To realize what is causing you to feel unstable and deliberately manoeuvre your life to create that stability requires self-awareness and maturity.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mula Moon

He has talked about how bodybuilding and building his physique really helped him feel connected to himself in a different way. I think this is an interesting manifestation of Ketu's disconnection and need to go to extremes to feel anything. Arnold's workout routine from his Mr World days is pretty insane, he worked harder than anybody else and was single-mindedly focused on it. Pushing yourself to such extremes and committing to it is difficult but those Ketuvians who can do so will benefit from it immensely.

Ketu is detached from the material realm. For a Ketu native that isn't tuned into their spiritual side, this can mean feeling disconnected in general but the blessings of retreating to spirituality, slowness, stillness etc means shifting to a version of life where you feel anchored within yourself without depending on anybody or anything to feel that way.

All of the people I mentioned above turned away from the spotlight or made choices to make their lives more grounded and stable and as a result they feel content and satiated. They are detached from the material realm but firmly tethered to the things that matter to them.

I just wanted to make a brief post about how Ketuvians embrace their shadows and how spirituality anchors them.

I hope this was insightful.

[incongruous-faggot]

While I have some issues with his visual design in Marvel Rivals, I need to admit, I am charmed by the voice lines they gave Moon Knight.

Now, it's important to hear all of them (or at least many of them). If you only hear the voice lines he has with other humans, he can very much be misconstrued as just "the Butt of the joke Mooney Lunatic" character.

But the gods believe him. Because they know Khonshu! They don't necessarily respect Khonshu, but they know him, and they can engage with Moon Knight as a man who is in contact with a god, and not just as a "crazy person"

And after hearing how he talks with the gods, I get a sense that Moon Knight is playing up his disconnect from reality a bit to mess with people. Especially in his encounter with Scarlett Witch. That whole interaction reads like him baiting her into equating herself with him, before deliberately saying something odd to pull the rug out from underneath her.

I also enjoy the inconsistencies in moon knighs voice lines when you spawn in. At times he trusts Khonshu, at others he doesn't, when he announces what his friends call him, he hesitates just ever so slightly, I'm not sure which alter is present during that line. He's tired, he doesn't want to be brought back to life anymore, but also he's come back from worse and these guys he's fighting are amateurs.

Also props to the voice actor, he brings so much silly, offended cunty attitude to the character, and I swear there's an internally consistent shift in tone, probably between alters, that I have yet to figure out.

Im not sure they quite reached what they were going for. He is very easy to perceive as the moon knight you see from edited comic panels/ the worst offenses of bad writing of one of marvels few mentally ill heroes. But, there's just enough respect and intrigue about his perspective in this writing that I can't help but love him.

Anyways yeah, can't stop thinking about this man.

[theriverbeyond]

i would be feral abt t4t paldulcie

adds such a great layer to the ambiguously erotic long distance mentorship situation… dulcinea as a trans elder… i’m frothing at the mouth

SEE i wasn't thinking of Dulcie as a trans elder in this situation, I think Juno Zeta would put her her son on blockers aged 10 and be the kind of mom to have a toddler portrait tattoo redone to be like, still extremely binary but now the baby is dressed in blue with a baseball cap.

specifically I want to explore the experience of being trans and having these kind of... long distance, no faces, text only relationships where you can feel fully affirmed and the disconnect that then exists between your real world experience, and how this interacts with of course also being critically ill and not wanting anyone to see you because of that. the compounded body horror and also then, intimacy when there IS someone you trust to see you sick, see you naked, and the way that interacts with the vulnerability and exhaustion of sickness,

and there's another layer I really want to explore regarding how critical illness i.e. cancer can often impede or slow medical transition while ALSO drastically shortening the time in which one has to make these decisions. to quote my favorite movie "there is still time", but what if there isn't? what is there ISNT time? what if you're dying, and you want to die in the body you want to be remembered in, but you don't know if you'll get there? there's a horror in that. this quote from harrow the ninth:

"“The only thing that ever stopped me being exactly who I wanted,” she said, “was the worry that I would soon be dead … and now I am dead, Reverend Daughter, and I am sick of roses, and I am horny for revenge.”"

i think this would add to Palamedes' like... "i need to cure her i need to save her" and also heighten Dulcinea's rebellious streak (she wants cigarettes!!! she hates roses!!!) while also interacting with how she DID, in fact, decline Palamedes' proposal. she decided to stay where she was. there's so much here. im getting dangerously close to getting really personal here on tumblr dot com but im shaking the bars of my cage

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hey uhm you dont know me or maybe you do. but im the kid that left those stupid tags on one of your posts.

your response was "should we tell everyone. should we throw a party. should we invite Bella Hadid." (just to refresh your memory)

When I added those tags, I thought it was fine. It was more or less banter with a moot in the tags. I didn't think you'd see it or even care. I was tone deaf. and im sorry.

and like, it has been months since i added that in the tags and then you screenshotted and added to the post but i think about it a lot. and i think about what the people in the notes said a lot.

i never meant to be insensitive or anything, i was trying to be light hearted. idk i just needed to get this off my chest.

oh hey what's up lmao

I want to be so clear that I was never angry at you as an individual, it's mostly just like... it's very frustrating as a woman who's moderately gender nonconforming to talk about my frustrations with being expected to shave, wear makeup, etc, and so often be met with people derailing the conversation to talk about how much they love those things.

I want to be so clear: I have absolutely no beef with any woman or any other person doing whatever the fuck they want with their body. shave whatever you want, put on as much or as little makeup as you like, wear whatever clothing makes you happy. I don't feel any animosity towards people who enjoy things that I don't, it's just endlessly tiring to ALWAYS have someone feeling the need to chime in to talk about how much the love stuff that feels totally disconnected from my life specifically when I am trying to talk about that disconnect. and it is genuinely kind of inevitable, I don't think I've ever been able to express that feeling without someone chiming in to talk about how they can't relate at all and feel completely the opposite. which is a fine way to feel, but maybe read the room!

anyway. I know it was a cunty response and I am sorry if that hurt to see. I genuinely do not have any grudge with you, and if anyone has been shitty to you about those tags I am deeply sorry, because that's never something I would have wanted. I appreciate hearing from you 💜