#im not happy with how i look. by how people perceive me. i feel so disconnected from myself.

[wingsofhcpe]

yall ever get the urge to disappear and/or rebrand your entire online presence or is it just me

[mirick-vn]

always able pass school but never able to pass as a man

[scramratz]

Hey so if you dont feel like answering this it's fine & chill and all, you're just a stranger who's comics I like after all. But I've seen you get a few more personal asks & the way you answered them always seemed very nice so. Uh. Here I go. Because I've been rotating this in my mind for the last month or so like it's a shitty fish png

So like. I've been on HRT for a good 4 years now, and I love everything about it. I pass more often as a guy now, though it's hard to say how frequently exactly. But It made me feel comfortable enough to become more gnc again, which is something I heavily suppressed before and early into hrt, because it just was a fast lane to misgendering town which destroyed me emotionally back then. It still hurts a lot sometimes now, but im less likely to get me misgendered these days even with make up and a skirt and all that. Which, sounds great in theory! But now it just makes people yell slurs at me in public instead and shit. It feels like my options in society are either

- put on a gender conforming act that feels like I'm a clown performing for the circus just to get gendered correctly without all the abuse (bad, not fun, hate it, love clowns but hate this)

- keep doing what I'm doing, actually maybe fag it up more! It's fun! (Great now the men are spitting at me again in public. And not in a fun kinky way)

Like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place man. And I love my friends and they support me and make me happy, and my family (at least the ones I care about) just let me dress like a little freak and dont mind, .... so I feel I should just be able to move on. And I dont have much like internal gender problems tm. Like I haven't figured it out beyond vague I'm a transsexual queer thing dude girl sometimes. But I'm fine with that. That's chill. I know what I wanna look like and be called blabla. What isnt chill is what happens when others perceive me, and that's sorta intrinsically tied to the whole transsexual gnc (?) Thing. So it makes me think about it all the time. I'm just so tired of it. I'm gonna have to keep going I guess because what else is there to do. But some days I just wanna teleport to an alternate dimension where cishet people tm at large finally stopped being the gender obsessed freaks they claim 'we' are

I wish this ask couldve just been like.... peace and love on planet trans... life is great, no notes, let's all hold hands and have a cookie w our HRT... but I just needed to get this out someplace that wasnt my diary or irl contacts

Yea I get where you're coming from. It sounds silly but something that helps me is remembering all the trans folks that came before me. I'll watch documentaries from the 60's-90's about these fabulous transsexuals who lived despite the hate, if even for a short time. A lot of them coped by expressing themselves underground, at balls and bookclubs, and bars. Somewhere cis people dared not go. Those places still exist you just gotta look for em. Besides, I take great pride in carrying on a long legacy of being hated!

[mariacallous]

Ashley Poprik has never been the model for a video game character. As a writer on projects like Spider-Man 2 and Call of Duty: Black Ops 6, they work on games, not as characters within them. In 2023, however, a cabal of angry gamers was convinced otherwise. They were furious over how Spider-Man 2’s Mary Jane looked; more specifically, they complained, she simply wasn’t hot enough.

The problem, these gamers falsely claimed, was that Poprik—then a writing intern with no ability to change a character’s face, let alone one based on a real-life model—had inserted themself into the game. Gamers concocted this conspiracy based on a photo of the writer, placed side-by-side with Mary Jane; in the photo, Poprik and MJ both sport long hair with a middle part, are smiling, and have a similar face shape.

Poprik, who identifies as gender-fluid, describes themself as having androgynous features. “A big narrative spun up that I was a trans woman, and so I was getting hate from any alt-right winger,” they say.

“I was getting so many death threats, pictures of decapitated women, and YouTube videos about me that were just straight made-up information,” Poprik says. “It forever changed the way I feel about video games.”

Eventually, things got so bad that Poprik had to wipe personal information from the internet out of fear for their safety.

Poprik has faced months of ongoing online harassment as well as in-person accusations of making things “woke”—especially for features within the games they had no involvement in. Yet in each case, Poprik says, they received no support or security resources from the companies they worked for.

“When a marginalized dev is harassed, they’re on their own,” Poprik says.

Today, being anything other than a cisgender game developer in the United States is more dangerous than ever. Online, transgender and gender-nonconforming developers become harassment targets at the whims of reactionary grifters railing against anything socially progressive or the result of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) efforts. Offline, President Donald Trump seeks to deny their existence with executive orders aimed at “restoring biological truth to the federal government,” restricting lifesaving health care for minors, and removing trans people from the military.

Other executive orders, though, pose a more imminent threat. Trump’s move to eliminate government funding for programs that battle discriminatory practices are already being mimicked by tech companies like Meta, Google, and Amazon. Developers fear their own employers could follow suit. Given that so much of what’s come to be known as “Gamergate 2.0” has focused on gamers railing against real or perceived DEI efforts, these worries don’t seem unfounded.

WIRED spoke with seven developers across the industry in workplaces ranging from AAA studios to small, independent companies. Many spoke to us only under the condition of anonymity out of concern for their safety or because they did not have permission to speak to the press on behalf of their companies. (WIRED independently confirmed all their identities and employment.) What emerged was a consistent narrative of fear, stress, and alienation that follows them into the workplace and is thriving in the online culture surrounding video games.

As Poprik notes, “being a queer person in games can feel really lonely.” Very few people seem to reach out to their affected colleagues, they add, and “sometimes it feels like the lack of any sort of support means they’re happy with the state of things right now.”

Ellen, a trans developer working in AAA games, says the thought of rolling back DEI initiatives in the games industry is particularly disconcerting because, while these programs offer support to employees, they also positively impact the larger games culture by fostering an industry that produces titles that speak to and welcome a larger group of players. (Ellen is a pseudonym.)

“At the corporate level, you're making a case why it's good business,” Ellen says. “But on a personal level you're trying to make sure your community has a space carved out in the company, and your fans have a space carved out in your games.”

Like the other developers WIRED spoke to, Ellen describes daily stress that bleeds over into her work. “The news comes like an assault,” she says. “Times like this just enforce that it's important to keep going, that art like only trans people could make needs to exist in the world more.”

Even as she wonders if she should leave the US altogether, Ellen is fearful of traveling within the country as well, given that protections for trans people vary by state. Laws related to even the basic ability to use the bathroom according to a person’s gender identity shift from place to place, and Trump’s recent moves are further complicating such matters.

Return-to-office policies in the games space, for example, are removing developers’ ability to work remotely—including in states where they may feel safer. Developers who travel internationally for work could also be at risk of losing their passports. The State Department, following the president’s executive order on “gender ideology,” is no longer issuing documents with “X” gender markers, and has begun confiscating passports and related documents indefinitely when people attempt to renew theirs.

Professionally, this spells trouble for affected developers. Many gaming events take place across the US, from Los Angeles to Boston. These gatherings are business opportunities for game developers, where they can network, learn from peers, scout new jobs, find funding, or show their games. Next month, thousands in the gaming industry will gather in San Francisco for the annual Game Developers Conference. But some developers will be forgoing the show out of concern for their safety.

“I'm concerned I'm going to get trapped in the US,” an American developer based in Canada tells WIRED. It’s also unclear if they’ll even be able to enter the States with their current passport. “No way I'm going to risk it.”

The video game industry has a poor history of standing up to targeted harassment. It’s only in the past few years that companies have begun instituting policies and taking serious action against abusive individuals. Developers themselves have complained that their companies are not doing enough to weed out harassment online. More than a decade later, the impact of Gamergate remains as a playbook for mob-driven harassment, and the communities to utilize it.

Three developers WIRED spoke to pointed to the events of Gamergate—a large-scale misogynistic and transphobic harassment campaign by online trolls in 2014 that profoundly affected all of gaming culture—as a sort of canary in the coal mine.

“Even before the bathroom bills, around the time of the first Gamergate, you could see people getting more and more bold with their anti-trans beliefs and folks just brushing it off as a ‘joke,’” says one developer. “But then jokes became memes, and memes became popular, and then an entire culture of spreading anti-trans hate became acceptable and something we are supposed to tolerate.”

Over the past year, anti-DEI efforts intensified in gaming communities as people blamed perceived flaws and flops on diversity efforts, while ignoring the macro factors of a struggling industry. Conservative circles targeted small companies and consultants they perceived as having influence on progressive values in video games. They went after anything they considered antithetical to games they wanted made—stories without minorities or queer characters, fictional women they think are attractive, and narratives bereft of what they view as leftist political agendas. Similar anti-DEI sentiments have since ripped through the tech industry and expanded nationally.

The trans community in games has felt these attacks acutely. Controversies around inclusion on something as small as optional top surgery scars in a character creator made developers targets. “It's felt like a slow creeping horror of watching right-wing party after right-wing party realize we're a softer target than the rest of the LGB community,” one developer says.

Many developers feel frustration that the gaming industry overall has remained silent so as to not alienate an imagined audience. “It signals to players and their own workers that the company lacks a spine in standing up for their work, while signaling internally that the bottom line will always be dollars,” says another developer. “Can’t piss off the bigots, because they spend money.”

It’s even more disheartening for trans, genderqueer, and nonbinary developers who work at the very companies that won’t publicly defend them. “I know there's a lot of the rainbow capitalism, ‘Hey, we're all in it together. Look at all these flags we're waving,’” says Dax, a trans developer at a AAA studio. (Dax is a pseudonym.) “But in the end, it's a company making money. They want to appeal to as many people as possible.”

Even among progressive colleagues, Dax feels disappointed in what she feels are empty platitudes: apologies with no action, or sentiments that appear to be empathetic of her experience, but reinforce the idea that she’s suffering alone. “I remember being a cis white man, and I was scared of saying anything, or doing anything,” she says. ”I wanted to stay in my lane and not bother anybody, and that's what they're doing. The second I transitioned, I was treated differently in the industry, overall.”

Over the course of reporting this story, WIRED reached out to companies that have previously participated in corporate pride events or included trans or nonbinary characters in their games, including representatives at companies such as PlayStation, Xbox, Riot Games, and Activision Blizzard, and asked about supporting their employees. Only one company replied: Devolver Digital. In a statement, the indie publisher said that it respects the rights of all individuals and does not tolerate discrimination, victimization, or harassment based on a person’s race, sex, gender identity, or gender expression. The company added that it will continue to support its colleagues by ensuring their voices are heard.

The developers WIRED spoke to are asking for more from the places that employ them, the people they work with, and the players that enjoy their games. “We should be out there being shown off,” Dax says. Companies should not shy away from hiring or representing queer communities in their games, many of the developers tell WIRED, and they want to see company DEI initiatives highlighted, rather than hidden away.

The industry is already bleeding talent through mass layoffs; refusal to support its own employees may push many more out the door. Even before the current administration, trans and gender-nonconforming developers faced discrimination. “I went from being trusted with my knowledge to being questioned,” Dax says of her transition. “They suddenly are not giving me the same respect or understanding.”

Dax says that some people are casting blame on the trans community and its current predicament for being “so out and proud.” She disagrees with that idea. “I want to see [companies] take bold choices and stand with us instead of cowering, wanting to appease this very loud, very small group of people who just can't stop slurring and screaming and being unreasonably hateful. By saying nothing, they're siding with hate.”

[rainbowsky]

Anonymous asked: Hi I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask. I guess that you are from Canada or usa based on ur posts. I am planning to go see LOCH in canada. I'm neither chinese nor east asían. I'm Lil nervous since this would my first time a chinese movie in theatre. Like is it OK? Will people look at like I'm out of place or something? Im not sure about the usual crowds . Please ignore if it's not a suitable place to ask this question.

I am in Canada. Definitely not the US. 😑

I understand that for some people it can be scary to go to neighbourhoods and businesses that are outside our normal daily routine and that are primarily populated by people from different cultures and backgrounds. If you feel any of that, that is a sure sign you need to get out there and explore those areas and broaden your cultural horizons.

I can't speak for other countries or what their norms might be, but here in Canada it's something everyone should try to explore. You will meet new people and have new experiences, and in the end you will find that we all have much more in common than any differences we might have.

In my experience, as long as you are being polite, respectful and non-obnoxious, people will welcome you and be grateful for your business and appreciate your interest in their culture. Depending on the demographic makeup of the area you are going to and how often they see people like you, you might get a few curious looks at most. In the vast majority of cases you're just going to be one of the crowd, and no one will make any special notice of you at all. Especially in any major city in Canada, where there is such a mixture of people from all backgrounds.

When you are in an unfamiliar area don't be afraid to strike up conversations or ask questions, but make sure you are doing so respectfully and that your questions aren't based from an assumption. For example, "Where are you from?" can be offensive because it implies the person is a foreigner when they might be a 3rd generation Canadian. It is also more personal than is appropriate for a stranger to ask.

Better questions are more open-ended, and are rooted in your own ignorance rather than in their perceived 'difference'. For example, "I haven't seen anything like this before - may I ask what it is used for?"

Always, always be respectful and remember that you are a guest in their [business, neighbourhood, etc.].

When it comes to seeing a movie from GG and DD, most of the people in the theatres are likely to be fans of theirs, and they will be very excited to see you there. They want GG and DD to be supported by as many people as possible. It can be especially exciting to see GG and DD's broad appeal across cultures and geography.

When I went to see Born to Fly, some Chinese XFX actually came up to me after the movie and asked me how I knew about Yibo and if I enjoyed the film. Of course I dare not tell them I was a turtle, but they were very sweet and friendly, and very happy to fill me in on everything about the movie and about DD (which I already knew but politely smiled and nodded at 😅).

In the extremely unlikely event that someone is awful to you, it is critical that you understand it is because they are an asshole, not because they are from a particular cultural background. There are assholes everywhere, in every shape, size and ethnicity. One Chinese person's behavior is in no way indicative of any other Chinese person's beliefs, attitudes or behavior.

I hope you enjoy the movie, and encourage you to find other excuses to explore your city and find new neighbourhoods and cultures to appreciate.

[miumura]

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 — TEN THINGS I HATE ; JAY FIC

“ I’ll do better, if you stay with me like this. ”

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ where jay keeps a journal where he documents all the reasons he hates you, his rival. despite claiming he will forever hate you, keeping this journal only makes him realize his feelings for you.

PAIRING rival!jay x gn!reader

GENRE angst, fluff — WARNINGS jealousy ; overthinking !

WORD COUNT 1.7K+ (1730)

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ soph strikes again!! angst cb, did we cheer?? anyways i was in the feels okay 😢 listening to music while writing really unlocks something in ur brain im telling you…idk what really went thru my mind when making this but enjoy 😊🫶

#1 – HOW YOU’RE GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

Is it normal to have a journal dedicated to someone you hate? Whatever, I just need to get this off my chest. Whenever you’re involved, it’s like I could have nothing I want. It’s stupid, but I don’t care, it just pisses me off when you easily follow instructions, perfect things on your first try, and get all the awards I wish to have. I admit, jealousy consumes me. It's frustrating how effortlessly you seem to achieve anything you want without even trying. Seeing your achievements plastered all over the school only intensifies my anger, making me wish I could tear your posters into shreds. I've never despised second place more than now. Why can't I find contentment with my own scores or position, just like you? How can I remove you from my life and find peace within myself?

#2 – HOW CHEERFUL YOU ARE.

How is it possible for someone to remain so happy throughout the entire day? I can't help but wonder if you possess some magical influence over my friends, as they seem to shower you with compliments non-stop. It's weird to hear nothing but praise for you while I find myself complaining about various things. It's almost as if nobody comprehends why I harbor such animosity towards you, and this frustrates me immensely. Every time I express my emotions, they tell me to laugh and smile more, as if I don't already do it enough. But then, when I contemplate your cheerful and positive demeanor, it becomes clear why they encourage it. You're like the epitome of a model student everyone aspires to be, while I remain the perpetually angry and stubborn person. No wonder everyone wants to spend time with you, and perhaps that's one thing I can agree with others on.

#3 – YOU LIKE THINGS THAT I LIKE.

It's almost like a curse that we share the same interests. It's the reason I keep encountering you everywhere. Whatever I do, you seem to be there, expressing your fondness for the same things with your friends. It's frustrating, and I can't help but roll my eyes at the thought of encountering you even more. Even listening to music has become a challenge, as I know you like the same artists. I purposely skip their songs because they only remind me of you, and I hate being consumed by thoughts of you. I yearn to stop learning more about you so that I can enjoy the things I like in peace, without these constant reminders of you.

#4 – YOU MAKE ME OVERTHINK.

Maybe because of how perfect you seem to be in other’s eyes, I wonder how I look in other people’s eyes too. Am I that awful to hang out with? Am I always seen as this angry person who hates everyone? I’m not that, I know that–my friends do as well. But others? I’m not so sure about that. What confuses me even more is why you persist in wanting to spend time with me despite any perceived flaws or stubbornness on my part. You could easily choose to be with other people who might seem better to converse with. Yet, you continue to stick around, refusing to give up on our “friendship”. And because of this, I can see how others might form a negative opinion about me. My constant push to keep you away could be misunderstood, leading people to believe I'm simply a horrible person.

#5 – YOU LIKE ME.

I'm not sure if you have romantic feelings for me, but I can tell that you consider me a friend. It's interesting because I hadn't thought of you in that way before, but it doesn't seem to bother you. Today, you stood up for me, and it felt really heartening. Normally, I might have felt angry or vulnerable when someone defends me, but this time it was different. I don’t know, it just did feel really nice. Your quick response in telling those people to stop was captivating, even though I didn't express my gratitude at the moment. Lately, I've been struggling with the loud voices in my head, and sometimes I wonder if you could help quiet them too. But now, I'm not sure what I'm trying to convey. You confuse me a lot.

#6 – YOU GIVE THE WRONG PEOPLE SECOND CHANCES.

The other day, I saw you in tears because someone had broken your heart. I must admit, I was taken aback because I had never seen you sad or upset before. It was quite a contrast to the cheerful version of yourself that I'm familiar with. What happened to you that everyone sees all the time? I hope you had someone to tell you your problems too, as it’s not easy for someone who is your rival to be comforting you. I didn’t, so I hope you went home that night filled with less worries because you have someone to talk with.

What surprised me even more was that the very next day, you gave the person who hurt you a second chance. I can't help but wonder why you keep allowing people to hurt you when it's likely they'll repeat the same behavior, ultimately affecting your radiant smile. Stop going back to the people that hurt you once, it’s only going to be a cycle. I wish I could share these thoughts with you, but I hesitate because I doubt you'd take them to heart coming from someone like me. However, I can't help caring despite my own imperfections. It's puzzling to me as well, as you make me feel oddly connected to your feelings.

#7 – SEEING YOUR TEARS.

I never imagined how much I could despise seeing someone cry until the moment I witnessed your tears. Ever since that day, I always thought about it, so how could I let it slip out of my mind this time? I’m sorry for yelling at you today. I’m sorry for saying I hate you. I didn’t mean it, I was just extremely frustrated today, and not at you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know how saying this won’t do anything, but I truly mean it. I wish I could rewind time once I saw water fill up in your eyes, but what’s done is done. You made me realize something crucial—that I've always seen you as a rival, whereas you only wanted to be friends with me. I allowed my competitive nature to ruin our chances of a meaningful connection. I fear now that you might avoid me, and I understand if you do. I worry that I might continue to hurt you, just like the people you often encounter, who don't treat you with the kindness you deserve. You deserve better than that, and I'm sorry for contributing to your pain.

#8 – GIVING ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

I never imagined we'd get another chance after what happened. I tried avoiding you, genuinely attempting to keep my distance. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't resist reaching out to talk to you again. It's almost as if we both sensed the need to address the situation, leading us to have that important conversation. I still don’t know why you gave me another chance. Did I not say hurtful things to you? How easily are you able to put that behind? Your ability to forgive and move past it leaves me in awe.

It's making me reflect on my own flaws, especially how I tend to hold grudges and struggle to let go of negative feelings. I can't quite comprehend how you do it, but you make me think about you more than ever before. Every word I speak now feels like it needs to be carefully considered, thanks to your presence in my thoughts. Your gesture of offering another chance touched me deeply and brought a smile to my face. I can't help but wonder what you've done to influence me in this way. I think you really did something to me.

#9 – FEELINGS, FEELINGS, FEELINGS.

We've connected much faster than I anticipated, even surprising my friends. I'm left wondering what you've done to me. You've become an all-encompassing thought – your smile, your laughter, your sense of humor – everything about you fills my mind. At times, I ponder whether I ever cross your thoughts too. Could this be love? My friends have mentioned it, and I can't find a way to refute them. I'm fond of you, immensely so. Isn't that a crazy twist?

It's a strange journey we're on. I started this journal to document the reasons I disliked you, but look at where it's led us. Is it too soon to be feeling this way? The idea of revealing my feelings is terrifying, yet I'm unsure if I'll ever have another opportunity. Please bear with me, allow me to find the right moment. Perhaps soon, hopefully, you'll be in my arms. I realize how absurd all this sounds – what am I even saying?

#10 – HOW EASY YOU WON ME OVER.

You won. You won my heart effortlessly, but I didn't win yours in return. I'm burdened with regret for how I've treated you. My ignorance and neglect weigh heavily on me now. It's painfully clear that he's all you've ever been able to think about. Why did I delude myself into thinking I could make a difference? If only I had treated you with the kindness you deserved from the start. Could that have made you love me instead? These thoughts haunt me.

I've grown aware of my own attachment, and I'm sorry for allowing it to consume me. I apologize for the disruption I've caused in your recent weeks. I can't bring myself to be genuinely happy for you and him, though he does seem like a better man than I could ever be. It's evident that I need to move on for your sake, to make things easier for you. Yet, there's a part of me that wishes I could still claim you as mine. That longing will always remain unchanged.

I doubt you'll ever stumble upon this journal entry, not that I would ever permit anyone to. But regardless, I want you to know that I do love you. It's a truth that's etched deeply within me, even though it pains me to admit it.

💭 — fun fact this was supposed to have a happy ending until i pulled out spotify n listened to lyn lapid…yeah.

ENHA PERM TAGLIST (🎥) — @flwoie @ixomiyu @yenavrse @shinsou-rii @bearseulgs @ilovewonyo @yenqa @dimplewonie @bubblytaetae @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @starcubes @starikizs @wonioml @chirokookie @xiaoderrrr @neozon3nha @en-chantedtomeetyou @millksea @enhaz1 @eundiarys @woon2u @ja4hyvn @judeduartewannabe @j-wyoung @thia-aep @vampcharxter @softpia @officiallyjaehyuns @itsactuallylina @hsheart @sweetjaemss @ahnneyong @hanienie @jwnghyuns @kpoplover718 @jiawji @rikizm @haknom @yeokii @wvnkoi @whoschr @teddywonss @shinunoga-iie-wa @flwrshee @skzenhalove @misokei @s00buwu @ox1-lovesick @miercerise @litttlestars @enhapocketz

[dxmedstudent]

Forgive me if this is rough and messy, im down with a viral illness and this is something I've been thinking about after reading some stories on reddit but...

Can we just... not frame illness or disability (or infertility, which for many is a kind of disability) as some kind of karmic punishment?

Like, if you don't like someone because they were nasty or even evil to you, that's fine. We can agree they were a Grade A Butthole with added haemorrhoids.

If something bad happened to that person, you're not evil for not being sad about it, or even feeling schadenfreude. Feelings are complicated, and wanting someone who hurt you to feel hurt is something many of us can understand. That's not what I mean here and I'm not going to dissect that further. This is also not to defend the person for being a butthole - they deserve to be criticised for poor behaviour.

But I always feel deeply uncomfortable when people in comments roll out the "Yeah! your nasty cheating ex is now infertile / in a wheelchair/ a depressed alcoholic, that's karma! The universe has a way!"

...Because you're inadvertently framing physical or mental disability or infertility as a whole...as a punishment. And by extension implying that people who experience these things did something to deserve it.

I know it can feel good in that moment to imagine that this is some evil person's reckoning and that everyone gets their comeuppance. But it's such a dangerous way to look at things.

We need to get away from this frankly outdated and damaging belief that a healthy body is a reward for spiritual purity and that illness is a punishment for sin. That a body which doesn't work quite the same as most people's... must be due to moral failings. These beliefs have very real and damaging effects in terms if how we as a society treat the vulnerable - the mentally ill, the homeless, those with addiction issues, those with sexually acquired illness, for example.

It's disturbing how often even people who declare themselves to be ostensibly atheist will turn around and basically say something surprisingly religious, in the worst way. And not realise that they've not yet examined where these beliefs are coming from.

Hate the evil cheating ex, by all means. Be glad that they are unhappy, if you want. I won't tell you how to feel. You don't need to wish someone who was a horrible person well. You don't have to like them, forgive them or dismiss what they did (we should hold them accountable). We can absolutely unite and agree that someone is/was a nasty person.

But don't ridicule them FOR being unwell. Don't link illness with a perceived moral failing. No matter how evil you think they are.

Because most people who are suffering the exact same thing are not evil and didn't do anything to deserve it. And by framing it as such, how do you think it affects the many other disabled people reading your comment? Do you think they deserve everything that happened to them? What exactly do you think someone has to do to deserve good health? How perfect do they have to be?

Most of us are going to experience disability some degree, in our lives. We need to stop treating it as a rare or freakish event and see it as part of the spectrum of human experience. Struggles with adddiction are very common and are a cry for help and not a moral failing. 1 in 10 couples experience infertility. It's so fucking disrespectful to the many people with disabilities. To my patients. To my friends.

And to me.

As someone with infertility issues, it's pretty bloody triggering to read a whole bunch of strangers gleefully declare that "infertility is just nature's happy way of making sure awful people don't reproduce". That maybe people who have recurrent miscarriages "should just give up" because "nature's trying to tell them something".

Like...how very *eugenics* of you.

As if...plenty of awful people don't have children and aren't awful parents? All the bloody time. Are you advocating for all children to be appropriately supported and looked after, do you support children in care? Trans and intersex children? Children with complicated physical or mental needs? Or is this just a way for you to pat yourself on the back that your presumed or proven fertility is a sign of your own moral superiority?

Do those commenters eschew all medical care when they are ill? Obviously not. Nor should they - because misguided and petty though they are, they are also entitled to seek care if they need medical help. But they seem to think that when anyone they disapprove of experiences health problems they should, what? Just give up and suffer in silence?

Modern medicine exist to treat a myriad of illness and help people manage a plethora of disabilities. It exists FOR people. You don't have to earn adequate healthcare, it should belong to everyone. People are imperfect. Messy. They make mistakes. They don't always the the best care of themselves. That doesn't mean that they don't deserve healthcare or dignity. Or that they deserve judgement and scorn.

Illness. Doesn't. Discriminate.

By which I mean, it doesn't CARE if you're a nice person or a horrible one. I know that society likes to tell us that if we work out, eat healthily and are positive, that nothing bad will ever happen and we can "organic food" our way out of being ill. But that's just patently not true. And I say that as a doctor.

In medicine we have a saying, that the worst things happen to some of the best people. Because we see people who are lovely go through things nobody should experience.

All the time. It's heartbreaking, because we don't like seeing bad things happen to perfectly decent people. It makes all of us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and sad. But it happens all the time.

We need to be very careful about how we think of, and frame, illness in all it's forms.

[loveamongdragons]

Hey!! Im sorry, this is a really weird question and you really don't have to answer but I love your atla posts sm and they really make me think. Love your fics too. Here's the thing... I actually just know atla via fandom osmosis so I have no clue what you're talking about in this post:

https://www.tumblr.com/loveamongdragons/774408895286460416/hey-can-we-talk-about-this-as-apposed-to-this?source=share

Could you please elaborate? Thank you! I hope you're doing well, take care and stay hydrated! <3

Hey there! So happy you like my stuff ^^ it's not weird to ask at all, welcome aboard.

So, I concede that I might be grasping at straws here, but at the same time: the thought had randomly occurred to me and then dug its claws into my brain with no warning whatsoever.

My point is that the scenes at hand are quite similar: one person shoots an arch/circle of fire, and Katara is on the receiving end. Her reactions though differ significantly.

I find it intriguing, shall we say, that she shows zero fear when Zuko, "the face of the enemy", the guy that had spent the entirety of the show up until then hunting them, casts the fire in anger, but is petrified when Aang, her friend and love interest, casts fire in his chipper way. Like, isn't that curious?

In that same vein, it is curious how Zuko is the only person whom she ever shows the depth of her anger. You'd think that hurling all sorts of accusations at a person who you perceive to be your enemy, and whom you perhaps even believe to be evil at heart, might scare you a little bit? Or maybe you'd at least expect to deal with retaliation or something. Instead, Katara is perfectly comfortable with her anger around Zuko, up to the point where she turns her back on him in the Crystal Catacombs and starts to cry. With Aang though, she is consistently walking on eggshells and trying to stay amiable and motherly.

At the same time, she seems to be perfectly fine with Zuko's anger, too. For heavens' sake, she looks concerned and confused, and not scared in the slightest when Zuko shoots fire at them in the second gif. In regards to Aang, we get this line from Katara though: "I'm not saying the Avatar State doesn't have incredible and helpful power … but you have to understand … for the people who love you, watching you be in that much rage and pain is really scary."

Yeah, so it's as if Aang's bottled up feelings of pain and rage have always been more scary than Zuko's explicit pain and rage. And it's just curious how in those two scenes Katara has less trust in Aang's ability to control himself than when she encounters a pretty emotionally distraught Zuko - who both do the same damn thing, with VERY different consequences, of course.

Now, you could say: hey, it's just because Zuko was a proficient firebender, and Aang wasn't, and Katara thus knew she couldn't rely on Aang's abilities, but she could rely on Zuko's (and... girl... the way this alone sounds!). Which, I fully accept that this might be the case. But it still wouldn't take away from the fact that it's curious as hell that Katara did not show any sort of fear in that scene with Zuko, and the argument becomes interesting again when you imply that she even at this point had enough trust in Zuko that she didn't even perceive him as a threat.

I must say: I adore this scene! I love this encounter between Zuko and Katara because I think it's the first real emotional exchange they have. Katara offers to heal Iroh! She is concerned! He pushes her the fuck away. (Mirrors their later encounter beneath Ba Sing Se, too). Did Zuko spend the next days thinking about her offer? Did he wonder in secret late at night if he should have accepted? Did he find himself feeling cozy, warm, sad feelings towards her, and then pushing them away? Did he think about it when he met her again in the Catacombs, and then later at the Gaang's camp? Did she?

[manicpixiefelix]

head, heart, hand. {Felix Catton/Reader/Oliver Quick}

Part 8.

Summary: The fallout of arguing with Oliver, not fighting with Farleigh, Felix hooks up with your not-girlfriend, and so you provide comfort to his sort-of-ex.

{ masterpost }

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: someone makes a move on the reader while they're very very drunk and the reader is far more sober, but it doesn't go past kissing, if that's something you're possibly concerned about.

A/N: 5424 words. welcome back. this one goes many different places in the span of one night. the farleigh of it all. the annabel of it all. im worried this one might feel OOC so id really like to hear if there's anywhere i could improve on my characterisation, what worked, what didn't?? as always unedited, and as we're nearing the end of the term (in the fic) we only have a few chapters left at oxford before we get to go to saltburn!! LOVE YOU ENJOY!!

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

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"Didn't have to do that," Felix sighed from his desk, head bent low over his textbook. It's the first thing he'd said since Oliver left. You, still on his bed, picking through a textbook for a class you both share, found half-shoved under his bed, look up.

"Do what?"

"That thing with Michael What's-His-Name's file," it almost sounds like guilt in his voice, but he still isn't listening to you, "you could get in real trouble for having that."

In swift movements he stands, and you catch the sight of his scowl despite how he doesn't turn it upon you. Once again he's sitting on the floor, back to the foot of the bed, lighting up another cigarette, legs crossed in front of him.

"I'll put it back tomorrow." You're not used to Felix disapproving of you, it's a kind of discomfort you want to shake as quickly as you're able to. After a moment you add, "I know it's not really Ollie's fault, I shouldn't have -"

"I don't want to talk about Ollie right now." He's focused on balancing his ash tray on his knee, watching it with such intensity it's as if he's trying to define life's secrets from it.

"Should I go?" Murmured, almost like you're afraid of anyone hearing it, even Felix. It hangs, golden in the hazy heat of the afternoon.

"'m not the boss of you," Felix mumbles softly, head low, again his words coloured almost with guilt. You know he will never shake the quiet shame he sometimes is hit with when he remembers the way people often perceive the relationship you two share; too close, too loyal, too imbalanced.

But you've never cared; you will never treat him differently, never want for anything but his happiness, never beat the canine allegations. One day you hope you'll convince him that's okay.

So instead of leaving, you close the textbook and stretch yourself out across his bed, laying the on your belly with your head resting at the foot, by his. Your hand rests on his head, running your fingers through his hair.

Felix breathes out a lung full of smoke. He doesn't look at you. He leans into your touch and closes his eyes. The moment is a quiet one, tension thick and choking and full of things neither of you can talk about.

It's the strangest afternoon you share in a long while, one full of silence and the slow, mind numbing sound of pages being turned and the scratch of pen against paper.

"I'm gonna get ready to go out tonight," you say softly, finally breaking the silence when the courtyard outside is every shade of gold and orange in the sunset. Felix just hums in acknowledgement from his desk, "Fi?"

"Yeah," he huffs, dismissively, still looking at his notes. You've got the file in one hand, doing up the buttons of the shirt you'd forgone in the afternoon heat of his dorm room, but had to wear back to your own.

"You want me to text Oli?" You watch him grow tense at the name alone.

"Yeah, maybe, I don't know," he mumbles, almost forcibly nonchalant, despite the hard line of his shoulders that hadn't been there moments ago. Then, as if to clear the moment, he sits up straighter, turning to you in his desk chair with a look of determination in his eyes, "India still into me do you think?"

"I know India's still into you," you can't help but snort, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Would you be totally cut up if I -" he doesn't even need to finish before you're rolling your eyes.

"She'd be thrilled," but your smile softens a little, even as you shake your head with exasperation, "she's all yours, Fi."

Perhaps it's the fondness with which you acquiesces to his arguably selfish request that makes him take in the full exchange that had just passed. Felix takes a moment, tension and expression dropping as he turns pensive for a moment, unable to look you in the eyes. After a beat, you turn to the door, fully intending on letting the moment pass, but you hear Felix stand.

He doesn't say anything as he approaches you, still wearing that rather grim, thoughtful expression, but he wraps you up in a hug. He holds you as close as he's able, and after a beat of surprise, you gently drop the file to wrap your arms around him in return.

I love you. I'm sorry. All the tension from the afternoon drains away in this hug, in him pressed against you, leaning into you, breathing deep and even and steady. Pressing your face against his shoulder, you give him a brief kiss against his warm, golden skin, and hope he can feel your smile too.

The hug breaks, but still he holds your face for a long moment. He's smiling again. I love you. Thank you. He kisses your cheek quickly.

"I'll catch you at the King's Arms, yeah?"

"'course, Fi," you assure him with a warm smile of your own.

Back in your own dorm, that single moment of warmth unfortunately can't overwrite the entire afternoon of sickly tension. Looking at Oliver's name in your contacts, you frown. You should text him, invite him, Felix told him he would -

"Yeah, maybe, I don't know."

You don't text Oliver.

Annabel also isn't at the King's Arms that night. Of course you know why, the answer sits across from you with his arm around your not-girlfriend, but part of you still kind of feels bad for if the sweet redhead ever finds out.

"What are you sulking about?" Farleigh's smug voice in your ear, Farleigh's arm around your shoulder, Farleigh's cigarettes you keep stealing, Farleigh who you've tucked yourself up against for the night.

"'m not," you try insisting, frowning at the lighter that's clearly out of fluid and refusing to relight your cigarette. He gives your shoulder a squeeze.

"You sure, Peter Pan? Where's your shadow?"

"You don't give a shit about Oliver," you snap a little too quickly, both frustrated by the situation you're trying to ignore, and the useless lighter, but Farleigh reads right through it and practically cackles. Still, he wraps his other arm around you and squeezes you against his side with glee, even as you try to protest.

"Ooh~" Farleigh teases, poking your side with a wide, fond smile, "trouble in pauper's paradise?"

"That's fucking mean," you rib him none too gently, but he actually snorts with laughter. The lighter still won't bloody well start.

"I feel like you're fucking edging me with that lighter, fuck," Benji, from Farleigh's other side, smacks your lighter out of your hands and holds out his perfectly working one.

"Thank you, Benny, that was pissing me off," Farleigh says with a satisfied smile, his laughter having died down. You, finally take a draught on your cigarette, grateful for the warmth, and the nicotine as it hits.

"Could kiss you, Benj," you finally let yourself smile, "someone remind me to get a new lighter," you add, leaning across Farleigh without hesitation to plant a kiss squarely on Benji's lips after he'd wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, teasingly at you at your comment.

"We'd fascinate psychologists," Farleigh chuckled, but his voice is warm and fond, and Benji turns back to his conversation with Alicia and Jake on his other side once the moment had passed.

"Probably," comes out distracted, however as your teasing mood drops and you look to your phone. Should I have called Oliver? But when you look up, across the table, you see warmth and fondness in the way Felix looks at India, enraptured by whatever story she's telling. With one arm around her shoulders, he lets her distractedly play with his other hand, leaning into her, all attention on her. Making her feel like the centre of the universe, the way only Felix knows how to do. India glows in a way you've never seen before, lighting up under his direct affection, beautiful and elated, maybe even a little bit flustered.

There's not even a hint of jealousy at the sight of them. All you know is how much you love your friends, and how happy and beautiful they look together in this moment. There is contentment, satisfaction, like a job well done... Farleigh might have a point about the psychologists.

Speaking of - Farleigh grabs your chin and tilts your face to look at him. Immediately you smack his hand away.

"Stop that! What is that? What are you doing?" You squawk at him immediately. Again, he grabs your chin, frowning, intent upon gazing intensely into your eyes. This time you let him.

"I'm figuring out what this is," he mutters like he's deep in thought. You let your gaze roam for a moment, hoping he gets whatever this is out of his system. You wiggle your chin in his grip, and it's enough to prompt more of an explanation, "if you're not sulking, then I don't know this -" rolling your eyes, you smack his hand away.

"Fuck man, I'm not sulking," you insist, remembering your cigarette and taking another puff, glad it hadn't gone out.

"You've been weird lately; angry - ranting," Farleigh made sure to stick to your cover story despite having seen through it the minute you'd tried out the other week, "you and Felix have had some weird vibes," he takes the cigarette from you, and you settle yourself against him further.

"Fi and I always have weird vibes," you pointed out with a little smirk, keeping your voice as low as he was, glad he didn't feel the need to publicise this discussion too broadly. Farleigh snorted, but shook his head.

"You, sure," Farleigh conceded, handing back the cigarette, "but," he leans in, leans into your with a knowing, dangerously sharp smile, his hand coming to rest on your thigh, "Felix has been weird about you," his voice slides along the word weird as his hand slides up your thigh, as if to prove a point, before sitting back. Giving you a moment to recover, Farleigh sits back up like nothing happened, letting go of your thigh and taking a drink. He gives you a squeeze, arm still around your shoulders, "or hadn't you noticed?" Back at regular conversation levels like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Across the circle of your friend group, Felix's gaze momentarily flicks to you as India's in the middle of some kind of enthusiastically rambling. Gaze briefly passing to Farleigh, he then looks back and raises an amused eyebrow in silent question. The smile you give him is instinctive and warm, a silent answer. He mirrors the smile for the briefest moment before his attention returns to India.

Of course you'd noticed the change.

"Of course I've noticed." Your gaze dips; you become fascinated with your drink for the moment, trying to brace yourself for whatever comment you knew Farleigh had coming.

"Surprised he hadn't put you on a leash."

You elbow him hard in the ribs. He retaliates by flicking you repeatedly in the forehead. Its a blurry mess of frustration and elbows after that, pulling hair and wet fingers in ears and trying to sink nails into each other's soft sides, all squabbling and cursing and insults not made for polite society.

"- you put your fingers near my mouth I'll bite them off!" You holler even when he's got his arm around your neck in a kind of choke hold, which is around the time the two of you are pulled away from each other.

The rest of the table is staring at you both, while you and Farleigh straighten yourselves up, a little flustered at the many incredulous stares you were getting.

"The fuck was that about?" Felix, of course, is the one to voice the question the others all had. You look to Farleigh, his expression mirroring yours; no malice, no frustration, like nothing had happened.

"Bit of horseplay," you shrugged easily, meeting Felix's eyes, tone bright and chipper. He looked unconvinced.

"Just two dudes being guys," Farleigh's tone was light and breezy as he settled back into the booth, and you alongside him, letting him once more sling an arm around your shoulders.

"Guys bein' pals," you agreed with a nod. Farleigh pats your head for emphasis. The group thankfully decides that they've had enough of the weird moment to go back to their own conversations. Felix was the last to focus back on the conversation he'd been having with India and Alicia, narrowing his eyes as he looked between you and Farleigh.

Before turning his attention entirely away, his gaze fixes on you. There, in the very slight tilt of his head, the look in his eyes, the way his jaw tightens, you see his concern for you. You lean your head back on Farleigh's shoulder and let yourself relax, let yourself give him a genuine, reassuring smile. It's enough.

Farleigh clears his throat.

"It was either that or tell him you said that," you explained under your breath, to which Farleigh nodded in understanding, hand running up and down your shoulder idly as he reached across the table for the communal fries, bringing the basket closer to you both.

"And you don't want to tell him because you know I'm right," Farleigh is back to smug, but at least this time you can join him in his amusement.

"No, but I'm humouring you because I'd like to talk about how good I'd look in a collar," picking up a chip, you eat it with a grin as Farleigh rolls his eyes. After a moment, however, he comes back with this contemplative look, still amused, but eyes narrowed and searching like they had been earlier. You eat another chip and tell him to put his eyeballs back in his head, "seriously, quit looking at me like that, Farleigh -"

"He has been weird-weird," Farleigh says like he's agreeing, though you tell him you have no idea what the fuck he means. Taking a deep breath like he was ramping up to something, Farleigh looks across the group to Felix, before looking back at you with a kind of put-upon smile, "I say this only as someone who's know you for like, more of my life than I'd like to admit -"

"I love you too, go on."

"- so I kind of think that it might not look that different to anyone else, like they don't know it's not your usual brand of weirdness," he wets his lips, giving you a look like he's not even sure if he's meant to be saying this, like he might be letting you in on a secret you're not supposed to know, "he's been really hot and cold with you."

Of course you'd noticed.

"I slept with Oliver."

Beside you, Farleigh appears to go through all five stages of grief at once.

"You make it very hard to be friends with you sometimes," he says, shaking his head. You, however, are focusing on how many chips you can eat in a rush rather than think too much about the topic at hand.

"That mean," you tell him flatly, mouth full of potatoes, "you're being mean again."

"You chose to sleep with Oliver, that is a choice you made; I'm gonna be mean about it, you've earned it, you know you have -"

"Remember," you gave him a shit-eating grin, "how the next time we went drinking after that costume party, you spent a full half hour in the beer garden ranting about how stupid you thought Ollie's costume was," you ate another chip while Farleigh narrowed his eyes at you with barely concealed contempt, but you powered on, "and it turned out that you thought the costume didn't do him justice, which then -" your grin grew wider, "became you ranting about how his eyes are too blue, and why does he dress like that when we can all see his arms, imagine if he wore a shirt that fit!" You gleefully recounted, even as Farleigh's mouth flattened into a thin line, like he's bitten on a lemon, but he couldn't look you in the eyes.

"Hey, that's not what I -"

"And then -!" You spoke over him, "you forgot where you were and tried to take an angry nap in the bushes."

"I don't -" a flustered Farleigh squirms for a moment in his seat, unable to look at you, "remember that, and," he turned a faux serious look upon you, "if you tell anyone I said that, I'll tell them you're lying."

"I'm just saying," you shrugged, "don't act like you don't know part of the reason why I slept with him."

"Fine," Farleigh rolled his eyes, allowing his flustered frustration to ease. After a moment of contemplation, of watching Felix, he hums quietly, thoughtfully, "that can't be it, right?"

"What can't be it?"

"If Felix was going to start being jealous it wouldn't be over Oliver."

"See, that's what I thought."

"So he is jealous?"

"I don't know," you say quietly, still not quite sure how to feel about it; Felix had taken the news fine when you'd told him, he hadn't seemed any different, but of course there'd been a change. Why now?

"That's really stupid of him," Farleigh finally says, dismissively.

"It is, isn't it?" As you try and laugh, your heart's not in it. You look at your phone again, another wave of that strange discomfort that you'd been feeling lately washing over you again. You can't stay.

Everyone's surprised by your early departure as you say your goodbyes. You cite the need to study hard tomorrow, giving hugs and kisses as you start the short journey back to your dorm. Felix murmurs that he loves you and a cheeky thanks in your ear and you know he's talking about India. You kiss his cheek, and then you head off.

Nothing had seemed off when you'd told Felix.

"You look like you're about to burst into song; what happened to you?"

"Something happened!"

"Am I meant to guess?"

"No, no- I mean, like how nothing happened between me and Ollie a few months ago; something happened!"

"Something happened between you and Ollie?"

"The something that didn't happen last time -"

"I don't remember last time, Y/N, you're being so cryptic, I love that you're excited but -"

"Yes, Ollie and I slept together. Finally!"

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"No, good 'oh', promise!"

"Didn't sound like a good 'oh', Fi; is everything alright?"

"Yeah, of course, sorry Y/N, I promise, I'm just... I don't remember you being this excited about a hook up... and I don't think I was excepting it to be Ollie, you know? Was he really that good?"

"Let me put it this way, it was the kind of good that none of our other friends would believe if I told them."

"Fancy that, Ollie knows what he's doing; good for you."

"Great for me."

It wasn't particularly vulgar or explicit, you'd had far more in depth conversations about your various hook ups, Felix had seemed as happy for you as he always did with these kinds of stories. But he'd started looking at Oliver different, you'd noticed it. That too is when he became the clingiest. Farleigh was right; on nights out with Oliver around, Felix threw out any pretence of subtlety or person space. Felix acted like your boyfriend.

But then, any other night, any other group situation, it was like any other day. Sometimes he'd barely even glance at you. Hot and cold.

You're so in your head on the walk home that you barely register someone sitting at your door until you all but trip over them.

Annabel.

She'd been crying.

"Fuck you." Is how she greets you.

"What are you doing here?" A twinge of pity, a twinge of guilt, to see her obviously distraught at your doorstep. She gets unsteadily to her feet, swearing at you again. Reaching out to steady her, she surprises you by lunging at you, grabbing you.

"You were there, weren't you? With the rest of them," Annabel's gripping your collar, makeup smeared with tears and eyes red-rimmed, "with him," lips still inches from yours, her gaze unfocused but searching, "I can fucking smell it on you- you- you and rich boy-" but she stops for a moment, expression falling to confusion, "Farleigh?"

"Annabel -" you ease her hands off of your collar, partly confused, but mostly pitying.

"Why do you smell like Farleigh?" She sounds almost like a lost child, refusing to let go of your hand as you pulled out your keys. God she looks so helpless, tears still welling in her eyes, vodka bottle mostly empty by her feet.

"Why are you so good at telling what Farleigh smells like?" You countered with, swinging the door open. At this, some of the righteous indignation fires up in her again, flouncing into your room.

"You all went to the same boarding school, you've all got these same habits, and same but different scents you cling to," she's scowling at your dresser as you picked up the vodka bottle and brought it into your room, shutting your door. You watch her for a long moment, see how she analyses everything you have there, perfumes, colognes, makeup, skin care, little bits of paper rubbish - she picks up a bottle and flicks off the lid, not caring where it landed amongst the rest of the things there. When she sprays it, she seems to almost relax amongst it's mist. Of course. It's Felix's favourite, Felix's scent as she'd so aptly described it, for when he'd spend the night.

"Of course you have his too," she says faintly, almost derisively.

Allowing your attention to finally drift from her, you start getting ready for bed, heading to your closet to hang up your jacket.

"You all need to mark your territory," she spits, out of your peripheries, you see her move away from your dresser and pick up her vodka again, "need everyone to know who you own, who we all belong to -"

"Anna, that's not -" you sighed, unsure of where any of this was going, but not liking it either way. As you search your drawers for pyjamas, you felt her gentle hands on your hips. Jumping at the sudden touch, when you spin she braces herself against the drawers with hands either side of you, while your hands become trapped, the last bit of resistance between her chest and yours.

"I smelled like you both for weeks," she murmurs, gaze roaming your body, almost hungry, landing back on your lips, "you remember that? I should- I should- should have been fucking sickened," she admits, voice a low whisper, the hunger turning needy, turning into almost a whimper, "the things I want you both to do to me make me sick to my stomach," her lips inch closer to yours, shared breath, heat in the air, "of course I know what the fuck you all choose to smell like, I can't get it out of my fucking head," you should lean away but there's something intoxicating about her rage, her desperation, her desire, "Our Annabel, that's what he'd called me, what you'd -" and she kisses you, vodka still wicked and bitter on her tongue, all but panting into your mouth as her hands find your hips again.

But it can't continue, you can't let this go on. As you lean back to free your arms, to hold her back, she takes advantage of the opportunity to slide her hands beneath your shirt, cold and nimble against your belly -

"Could've been my Felix -" she mumbles, as if in a trance, eyes hazy and full of both tears, like she was looking into a memory. The minute her fingers find your fly you grab her hands firmly. It takes you a moment to regain your composure, to remind yourself that she wasn't in her right state of mind, that she probably didn't even know what she was doing or saying -

My Felix flares bright and hot and possessive in your mind. My Felix.

"Ow," Annabel's noise of pain brings you back to reality, but thankfully it seems the shock to her system brought her back too. Looking down at your vice-like grip on her wrists, she looks back at you as you let her go, embarrassment in her eyes as she perhaps realises some of what she'd been doing.

"I'm not sleeping with you tonight, Anna," still, your voice is gentle. She huffs an embarrassed little laugh, starting to sniffle again. Again, you remind yourself that this poor girl just got her heart broken by your best friend, and decided to deal with that by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. You'd committed to showing her some compassion tonight.

"I know." The tension drops, and she just leans her head forward to rest her forehead on your shoulder. You can't help but hug her, feeling the heavy way she sighs as you're giving her a reassuring pat on the back. The two of you stay like that for a very long few minutes until you hear her start crying again.

"Do you wanna borrow some pyjamas?" You ask softly, and feel her nod.

The rest of the night is quiet after that, taking care of this distraught young woman who got her heart broken by your best friend. It reminds you of nights you'd spend with Venetia back at Saltburn.

Annabel sits on your bathroom counter patiently, ankles crossed, watching the way you focus as you wipe off her makeup with meticulous care. When you take off her necklace, you coil it delicately on top of the nice clothes she'd been wearing, now sitting on top of her shoes by your door. At first she tries to wave you off when you offer to brush out her hair -

"There's -" she hiccups; the full bottle of vodka has finally hit her, but still she tries to shake her head, "too much hairspray, it'll be a hassle -"

"I'll be gentle," you told her softly, assurance in your eyes and a warm smile on your lips, "if you'll let me." Annabel melts under that gaze, sitting in borrowed pyjamas, face clean, cross-legged on your bed in the lamp light. You treat her with the gentlest care, brushing out her hair while you can still hear her occasional sniffles; she sits as primly as she's able, only apologising once at the start for it's length. You assured her it's fine.

"You scare me sometimes," Annabel mutters into the quiet, voice watery. For a moment, you pause.

"Me?"

"Both- both of you. You and Felix," she sniffles again, "and Farleigh too now, I guess," you can tell she swallows thickly, voice catching in her throat. When she tries to dip her head, she can feel the way you're still holding gently, still working, and she apologises faintly. Carefully, quietly, giving her space to organise her tipsy, upset thoughts, you continue to brush out her hair.

"Never met anyone like you, you know? Didn't think people like you guys existed. You're always everything; the most without even trying," she takes a deep breath, but it's undercut by a faint sob that's almost a chuckle, "I kind of think you don't even know what I mean- you especially, you know?" You... don't.

You brush, only giving a faint apology, but all she does is fidget, the words spilling unrehearsed from her, things she's clearly been bottling for far too long -

"Felix is everything everyone wants, and you're everything everyone wants him to be," she says it so forlornly, "the sun and it's fucking warmth," then, almost disgusted as she spits it under her breath, "I think about how he's never going to fuck me the way he looks at you while he's shitfaced, how sick is that?"

With a few more strokes her hair is brushed out, and without even thinking you start to braid it. Annabel's dissolved into tears again, her face in her hands, but you're just careful not to tug on her hair too hard as her whole body shakes with them.

"He never gave a proper shit about me, did he?" Annabel sobs as you're tying off the braid. The minute it's done, she turns and throws herself into your arms, sobbing against your chest, "I'm just another fucking girl to him!"

"He still loves you as a friend, I'm sure; you know how Fi is-" you pet her shoulder carefully as she clutches your shirt for dear life.

"I don't wanna be his fucking friend! I gave him my fucking heart and now he's probably got his dick in that slag India, who said she was my friend!" Spitting her words with fury, with venom, she looks up, but only sees a look of pitying apology in your eyes; she's probably right. Lip curling, she throws herself back on your bed, hands covering her face once more, "he doesn't fucking care," she groaned, fury turning poisonous with resignation, "I know he doesn't care; if I thought he truly cared I would have fucked Oliver -"

"What?"

"- Felix is so fucking fickle, god, seems like he doesn't even care about Oliver anymore, I should have- should have -" she continues on, but breaks down crying again. Getting off the bed, you leave for the common room for half a moment, filling it with water.

"Drink this," you instruct, sitting next to Annabel on the edge of the bed. She scowls, but follows your orders easily, even if she can't properly look you in the eye. The water seemed to have at least helped, as her crying quiets down as you refill the glass in your bathroom sink.

"I feel like shit," she mumbles, watching you come back into the room and place the cup on her bedside.

"Well you look pretty," you tell her teasingly, trying to lighten the mood even a little as you gently pinched her cheek. She does not appear to find the humour in the moment. Still, you turn off your lamp and climb over her into the bed, "please don't throw up in my bed or on my floor."

"I know where your bathroom is."

The two of you kick off the neat duvet but pull the thin, luxurious sheet over you both.

"Thank you..." it sounds begrudging as she says it. You tell her it's no stress, sitting up for a moment in order to open your window a crack, let a breeze in overnight, but still hear her when she says, "you're a bad friend."

Still sitting, you take a deep breath, sighing as a silhouette in the moonlight.

Annabel is more astute than you possibly gave her credit for in this state; amongst all her felt injustices, she'd never once asked about how you felt about Felix fucking India, your well established not-girlfriend. Because somehow she knew, perhaps even that you gave your blessing. You'd never been a cruel person as long as you could help it, but you'd made peace with your priorities too long ago to start apologising for them now. So yes, you'd taken Annabel in for the night, but she knew in her heart that you were partially at fault for her despair in the first place. You both knew.

Enabling Felix was never really about making anyone else happy.

"I know."

Something about your admission seems to be enough for Annabel, however. When you lay back down beside her, she curls up against you, tucks herself all along your side, arm around you, head on your chest.

The next morning, Annabel moves silently around your dorm. When you wake up, all that's even left of her presence is the empty cup of water on your bedside. No kind of note, no text, she'd made sure she didn't even wake you before leaving.

Fucking Christ, what a bloody week did yesterday feel like, is all you can think as the mid-morning sun slashes through your barely parted curtains and paints your chest with light.

You consider sleeping in, consider that you'd definitely earned it after yesterday, but then your phone starts ringing. It's Felix. He sounds grim.

"Hey, can you get over here? We need you."

[faunandfloraas]

Aussie question time: when I find out an idol is American/Canadian, their image in my mind completely changes because now it’s like “Oh I know exactly who you are, I grew up with your type around me” there are subtleties that I’m going to understand that others might not. So with all that said, I’ve been curious about what that’s like (if you experience it) w the skz aussies (throw in a lily if you’re feeling it -v-) 🎤

this is wayyyyyy too long so I'm putting it under a read more- also disclaimer: i dont know these guys and these are just my opinions, dont take em too srs <3

Hmmmm... Well I guess I'll start with Felix- I've said it before a bunch but the whole "Felix is a tiny uwuw baby sweet summerchild who is just such a baby" etc. etc. has made me laugh from the get go- because Yep! he is incredibly sensitive and sweet natured and kind and he cries a lot- 100% that is true. Dont think I'm saying it's not. But like. He also grew up in western sydney, he grew up in a area that if you google it one of the first suggestions is "is it safe" but then at the same time he went to private catholic school im pretty sure. and i saw pics from back then that he'd posted back in the day of cool little felix with his gold watch and his fade and all his little homeboys looking rowdy on the train- I know that kid and while that kid can also be sweet and sensitive, he's not incapable and hes not a baby. Good recent example was when he went on that Jewel box show with the gay dudes and people were acting like he was *so uncomfortable* and sooooo out of his element and so this and so that- theres gay dudes all over sydney, there's gay dudes all over australian media- the idea felix couldnt handle that was simply laughable to me- but it kinda shows how many outside perceptions of him still very much fall into that vaguely infantalizing thing. Like when he was the one who was happy to go up to adam levine and dj snake in that skz talker while the other boys were much more shy? that didnt shock me at all. felix went to korea as a whole teenager laregly against his parent wishes- he's actually quite an outgoing and brave guy. Outgoing guys can still be sweeties, though- one doesn't negate the other.

One other aspect of Felix i think a lot of fans just gloss over but is easily noticeable by me is that he can kindaaaaaa be ... a lil bitchy? like he's never ever mean or cruel dont get me wrong- but he has a slight bitchy streak, he rolls his eyes AND he's actually much more sarcastic than people bring up? Again- he does it a lot with Chan and that doesnt shock me- they both are aussie boys, Chan will get it and I think Felix can very much be himself with Chan, he doesn't necessarily feel the need to put up an extra air of like... Sweetie boy-ness? bc when he calls chan a cunt on live chan just laughs and goes OI!! so yuh the main thing with felix is while i do think hes a little sweet guy, ive never from the get go had a hard time seeing him outside of that box, too. Also maybe that's a lil bit aussie humour slipping under the radar here or there 🤔

Chan to me from the get go too was pretty much like. Prototypical overachieving aussie Good Boy. Like, i had a drafted post i never posted bc it was too niche- but it was essentially about how he speaks about sports and the like, and it just said "We get it. You went to zone carnival" which was the sporting event that the kids who got gold or 1st place were sent to. If you went to zone, you were the Successful kid. I think these days most fans perceive him as... a bit of a goofy guy? but I have gone through the archives and i have seen the comments from people talking about how chans such a bad boy- thats shit is so funny to me bc you can show me every iteration of chan and I'd never, ever think he's a bad boy. Like he wishes he was a bad boy, he kinda cosplays a bad boy- even him referencing swearing bc of his australianess and shit over the years makes me giggle a little bc i feel like felix def 100% swears all the time but he doesnt like Smirk about it too much? he doesnt really bring it up? things like that stand out, it to me feels very like Oh yeah I'm this naughty Aussie boy who swears hehe and then all the australians are like ? Girl we all do huh lmao

Otherwise, I dont have as much to say about chan as i do about felix, funnily. Like idk people might perceive differently to me, but nothing too far off? I will say that given Chan's success and the fact he was seemingly a very well achieving kid too (maybe not debuting for such a long time is part of this) he is WAY more humble than I'd expect. Like not to besmirch Australian men but a lot of them can be really loud and cocky, especially the famous successful ones (any sport star) it's almost encouraged to be like that if you're a dude (but only to a certain degree, anything beyond a certain point and you'll be roasted lol) So I have to give credit where it's due and say that Chan *Seemingly does have a very good nature and I appreciate that about him! Its probably why I like him so much bc he actually very much doesn't give off those vibes- he doesn't seem like that overly macho cocky bloke I know very well. So that makes him good fun for me- he's very successful and he's confident and yet he doesn't activate any of my bitch instincts- thats impressive! I don't know him, so I'll never know for sure of course, i feel like i need to make that disclaimer but still I do believe he has a good heart, and he tries so hard! and I appreciate that.

Lily is weirdly like Chan. like she's hilariously like chan tbh- I wonder how they really get along sometimes bc I feel like they might look at each other and be like Hm... we the same............ ? Lmao I will say though, lily is a bit out of pocket and half of that I believe is her personality but half of it is just.... I think she's just australian 😭 like i cant lie you get me as a teenager to early 20 something and put me on a live and I can promise I would be saying as much ?? shit. Like, I do think Australians are a little loud and not necessarily always.... tactful (again Not everyone, but yk.) lily certainly fits that bill to a T. I appreciate that regardless of her idolhood she does still say things that maybe she shouldn't, she shrugs off a shoplifting confession, she says she'd murder someone if she had to, she bought and wore a shirt that fans quickly tracked down and found out all the proceeds were going to Palestine- she would have known what that suggested. she clearly had this goal of being an idol since she was a baby, like literal baby but she hasn't sacrificed her broader personality, even the parts that could potentially be off-putting to those idol fans that expect perfection and nothing else. I appreciate that in her! and I hope she never loses her little weird girl spark bc it does make her very dynamic! Her slightly gruff aussie girlness is very fun for me to see in the idolsphere bc it def feels out of place, but in a refreshing way...

so yeah. Idk if this was sensical, I was making dinner so I put my phone down a bunch and it's probably disjointed but thats my opinion... my thoughts, my ideas! Idk my take on them. Thanks for asking 🫡

[dollfaceirene]

irene's 101 guide on how to improve your self concept

hear ye, hear ye! I heard you're tryna improve your self concept but have absolutely no idea where to start so i've made this post to help aid you and hopefully answer your question on the 'how' of improving your self concept.

Firstly, what is your self concept? Your self concept is basically who you perceive youself to be.

For example, if i was to say "do you think you can manifest a sp?" and your response was "ofc not, im not worthy enough" ya da ya da ya, then you perceive yourself as someone who isn't worthy enough for a sp.

Here are some reasons why your self concept may be a lil shaky & how to fix it

You always seek validation from the 3D

As someone who's known about the loa for like 2 years now??, it's basically the unspoken rule to not seek validation from the 3D of your desires materialising because,

a) the 4D (your imagination & inner self) is the cause and the 3D (outer reality) is the effect

b) The 3D = neutral, it will only reflect whatever assumptions, desires, etc that you persist in.

How to fix it?: Become present in your 4D/imagination, thats only what matters. Affirm you only seek validation in your 4D, visualise, etc because at the end of the day, it will always be 4D ➨ 3D, not the other way round!

2 . You easily waver

Wavering = switching between states, Do you find yourself persist in one assumption (one thats the new story) but as soon as you see the opposite in the 3D, you find yourself re-affirming the old story again? Then you're wavering!

How to fix it?: Have some self discipline! Whenever you find yourself affirming the old story, clock it then affirm/visualise, etc whatever correlates to the new story. Remember, the more you repeat the new story, the more the old story becomes dead to you because you will be so used to being fulfilled in the new story, you wont even bat an eye at the old one.

3. You assume you can't manifest 'large' manifestations but others can

C'mon now, nobody is born with ultra special manifestation abilities that make them manifest better than other people, everyone has the same limitless abilities when it comes to the law of assumption, if one person can manifest a mansion, why can't you? You are as capable as manifesting anything as anyone else!

How to fix it?: Honestly just acknowledge that you are among everyone who is a master manifestor, its litch in your DNA to be a master manifestor! I suggest affirming master manifestor-related affirmations to help you be fulfilled in the state of being a master manifestor.

TIPS & ADVICE

You may feel like consuming LOA content is good for helping you and stuff and its honestly fine to read LOA content when you are feeling unsure but it gets overwhelming when you overconsume content since alot of LOA content may contradict each other, as people write their advice based on their on beliefs. This is why i recommend just consuming "back-to-the-basics" typa posts and when you feel content, apply it! (instead of constantly looking from post to post on "how to manifest" when you already know.

2. Affirmation tapes are a GAMEEE CHANGERRRRR! I really recommend Indigo Detry's ones and listen to them when you are doing activities that dont really require concentration (e.g art, reading, etc).

3. If you're looking for good loa youtubers i really recommend Indigio Detry and Manifest it, Finesse it (GOATS FRRR😩😩)

OUTRO

I hope you enjoyed this post and it helped you in any way; please let me know if you have any questions as i would be happy to answer them <3

[idkwh0y0uare-haha]

MCR HELPED ME FIND MY CONFIDENCE AND NOW IM GONNA RANT ABOUT IT

admittedly, I'm a new mcr fan. I started listening to them a year ago and they've been my favorite band ever since. Shortly after I started listening to them I started watching clips and interviews bcuz i thought the band was so interesting. The last band I really liked was lovejoy (yes, ik what the lead singer did and I no longer support him or his music) but i started liking mcr a lot more

Of course, I really started liking gerard way, and he stuck out to me in particular. Dw, I love mikey, ray, and frank too, but gerard was the first to stick out to me (could also be because he's the frontman, but I don't think so)

I found gerard to be such a relatable person. Obviously, I don't relate to EVERY ASPECT of gerard's life but there were some things that I was able to relate to, which I won't go into detail about that right now but probably later

As a trans, queer, and alternative person, I found comfort in the fact that mcr was (and is) such an icon to those communities. Like if I was alone in a room with gerard, mikey, ray, and frank, I would feel EXTREMELY safe and just the fact that they're so well known is just so important to me

I was able to relate to gerard's gender non conformity because even though i'm a trans man, I still appreciate things that would be considered "feminine" especially amongst my peers. Before listening to mcr, I would try to present as masc as possible because my more "feminine traits" made me feel extremely dysphoric and all I wanted was to pass, but the things that gerard would say about gender and sexuality helped me feel seen in a sense. That's when i realized that I liked wearing eyeliner and eye makeup. I actually liked dressing differently in clothes that made me happy. I actually liked painting my nails black and red. And I actually liked wearing lots of jewelry. I'm not sure when I would have realized that if i didnt start listening to mcr

Not only that, but I stopped caring about how "masc" I looked, because in the end, none of it mattered. I wasnt happy trying to be as masc as possible. I wasn't happy trying to be like every other boy in my school. I'm happier just being me and not caring about how I'm perceived, and ironically ever since i started dressing how i actually wanted to, I've been misgendered a whole lot less which I personally thought was hilarious.

And because i'm dressing and looking how i want to, I feel so much better about my appearance and personality. I feel like I can actually be myself and like what i wanna like, and nobody really gives a shit anymore. Sure, I get a few weird looks and people just not knowing what my gender is, but I don't care anymore because i'm happy, and I feel like mcr really contributed to that fact

if it wasn't for me listening to helena on the school bus one random day, I would have never watched any mcr interviews and I would have never known just how much gerard way specifically would have helped me in my journey to finding my confidence again. Gerard way helped me stop caring so much about how other people see me and instead how I saw myself and while i still have those days where i feel like shit and just wanna hide in a hoodie and a pair of jeans, that happens a lot less than it used to, and who doesn't have a bad day every once in a while?

it probably sounds stupid saying that gerard way (unintentionally) helped me find confidence in my gender and how i express myself, but he really did. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin and to be honest, it's because listening to mcr made me realize that i'm not alone and that there are other people out there who feel the same things i feel, and that made me feel seen.

So excuse me if i talk about gerard way a lot, but gerard really helped me understand my gender and how i wanna express it. I'm so much happier not having to worry about conforming to gender roles that don't even matter, and honestly my chem and gerard way really helped me realize that

so yeah, I fucking love gerard way. Before you get annoyed about the fact that i talk about him so much, maybe think about why i do

Mcr saved me

thank you for listening to my emo yap session

[mrradmccoolman]

AHHHH sorry it's been so long!! welcome or welcome back to

ELLIOTT'S ANDERPERRY SONG ANALYSIS

today's song issss....

Spider by Momma

this one is very much a todd-centric song for me-- specifically focusing on his relationship with himself considering the way his family and the people around him treat him. the andersons are soooo unexplored in the movie and have such potential for a complicated and realistic family dynamic. i hope this analysis gives some insight into how i perceive both todd and the andersons as a whole-- i could go on and on about them, but ill try to keep this shorter for your sake!!

"blessed by every little universe" i see this lyric as how todd perceives his brother, jeffrey, to be. now personally, i see jeffrey as being a good big brother in general, who simply falls into the trap todd's parents and the people around him do-- they don't quite know what to do with him/understand him. (understand this is very much headcanon territory here; as i mentioned, todd's relationship with his family and brother is woefully unexplored in canon. many people see jeffrey as distant or even neglectful of todd, which isn't in any way a wrong perspective, but it's just different from the one i myself take :)) as much as todd loves his brother, he can't help but feel bitter sometimes at the way things seem to come so easily for jeff. one of the hardest things about having undiagnosed anxiety is that you truly believe everyone else around you is experiencing the same level of anxiety as you are, they're just better at dealing with it, and there's something inherently wrong with/weak about you that you can't. that was my experience, at least, and i think todd would feel the same way. not to mention jeffrey's various accomplishments; he's smart, well liked, sporty, and fulfills his parents expectations. things are surely more complicated than that, but todd may frequently feel like he's lesser than his brother, and of the two of them, his brother is blessed in every conceivable way, perfect to the point that his excellence extends to every possible universe with him in it. this lyric is also a parallel to one that todd uses to describe himself, which ill get into later.

"in a web, he's praying" this is another lyric i believe to be todd describing jeffrey. this means multiple things; it could be in relation to the religious aspect of welton/todd's upbringing, perhaps about how in jeffrey's personal 'web', he's meeting their parents expectations of faithfulness. it could also be about jeffrey praying for him; i think of a young todd praying to god to make him better, to fix him somehow. who knows if jeffrey or his parents actually pray for such things, but todd wouldn't put it past them. he wonders if jeffrey wishes for a better brother, one more talented, more outgoing, less like todd.

"big plans, an orchard i could call my own; a bed, a roof, my savings" in this lyric, todd refers to himself and his future with wry sarcasm when he says he has "big plans", because despite the adventurous future his parents have set out for him, he knows he cannot fulfill them. it's not just that he knows they won't make him happy; it's that he knows no matter what he does or how hard he tries, he'll be a disappointment to them regardless. therefore, his actual "big plans"-- or what he sees as the only things he'll ever manage to achieve-- are simple: somewhere to sleep and a roof over his head, perhaps on a farm somewhere where he works to pay rent (there's nothing wrong with doing so, but in his parents minds, to do so would mark him as a failure forever). his idea of his future is bleak and drab, because he doesn't believe he can amount to anything worthwhile.

"like a spider catching nothing" this particular lyric was what first made me think of this as a todd song, but i did some digging on the symbolism and found it fits even more. i like to look at genius lyrics sometimes when im not sure what a lyric means, just to gain some perspective, even if the way i personally see it isn't the way the artist originally wrote it to be. (that's the great thing about music!) i was curious what the artist meant with this line, but couldn't find anything on it, so i looked it up on its own to see if it was a thing people had written about and found this article. (just want to make it clear-- i don't know anything about this website or it's religious connections, but i did think the article was cool!) one of the ways it describes the symbolism of the spider really resonated with me in relation to Todd. it describes a spider's web as representing the mind and the string of consciousness, the complicated patterns being our thoughts. it also describes how presumably, early spiders were unable to differentiate between sticky and non-sticky webs, and so got caught in their own webs-- "unsuccessful spiders". it's with this perspective that i relate this line to todd. todd is so frequently anxious and caught up in his own thoughts that he finds himself paralyzed with indecision or making the wrong choice, too entangled in his own web to get free. what should be his safe space is instead another trap for him to spiral into, and what should be natural for him is instead the very thing that trips him up (social norms, relationships, self-esteem, etc etc). i use "should be" very loosely here because that's not necessarily true, but it's the way todd has been told he should be. he is an unsuccessful spider, catching nothing yet spinning web after web anyways with no end, getting entangled in his own trap. his web is a metaphor for many things: his anxiety, his self-esteem, etc.

"caught up in the highest corner of the room" while this line alludes once again to the spider metaphor, it also outlines how todd distances himself from other people, either by choice or circumstance. whether he wants to or not, he feels he doesn't belong/connect with other people, and sits on the outskirts instead. he doesn't know how to fit in socially even though he wants to build friendships, and convinces himself it's safer to stick to the sidelines anyways, even though it makes him unhappy. not only this, but it's hard for him to relate to other people. he feels like no one understands him. i think specifically back on when he first moves to welton, and all the poets are hanging out in his and neil's room. though it isn't conscious, he's excluded for the most part. the others can percieve that he's different than them and act accordingly. it isn't out of malice, but it still hurts him. it even takes neil quite a bit before he truly gets todd and how he feels.

"spun out and staying" todd is exhausted with being on edge all the time, "spun out", but he doesn't know what to do to stop it because nobody understands. he's alone and feels there's nothing he can do to change it, so he stays where he is because it's the only thing he knows.

"i'll watch, pretending that they're watching me" todd watches the people around him attentively, perhaps jealous of what appears to him to be ease at connecting with others. he observes them as examples of what a 'normal' person looks like and tries to imitate them. wistfully, he pretends people see him back, and are paying attention to him, even though he finds himself fading into the background.

"got good technique in faking; schooled in every little universe" lo and behold, it's the parallel to jeffrey i mentioned earlier!! todd is well-practiced in pretending things are fine, or at the very least, going under the radar. this could also be in relation to how he hides many aspects of his personality from the people around him; ex: when he receives a second desk set from his parents, even though he feels frustrated and hurt, he doesn't tell them how he feels. the "every little universe" part is a callback to the previous lyric; he feels so inadequate that he doesn't believe there is a universe where he manages to meet anyone's expectations.

"well-taught in waiting" todd is used to this sense of stasis, perhaps waiting for someone to notice or care about him, or for something to look forward to when everything feels so insurmountable. consider the dead poets society meetings, practicing with neil, writing poetry, etc. he's practiced in dealing with the things around him by surviving off of morsels of hope.

"no shine, heaven takes a lot of work; i've heard some people saying" while todd feels that friendships and success come easily to other people (for example, jeffrey) he thinks bitterly that for someone like him, it would take a lot of effort to meet the world's expectations, work that would not look pretty. he believes this because he's heard the people around him saying these sorts of things as he grew up, essentially saying he needs to shape up and do the work to be the man they believe he needs to become. in tandem, they imply that he himself is a lot of work, and/or hard to deal with. the lack of support and understanding he receives for his mental health really shows how other people would treat him, especially his parents. having a loved one with mental health issues is a learning process, one that im afraid nobody was willing to go through for todd until he meets the poets.

"they see what they wanna see" todd believes that no matter what he does, he will always be seen as a failure, as inherently wrong. nothing will ever change that, and he's exhausted with bothering to try, so he feels resigned to his reputation. no one will understand him, so why try explaining himself or connecting with others?

"i stick to diabolatry, it's my breed" diabolatry is defined as "the act of worshiping demons and devils." i see this as reference to both his sexuality and mental health struggles, both of which are attributed to the devil and satanic practices throughout history. todd and the people around him try to ignore these things about him, but deep down todd can't escape them; they're part of him. diabolatry is "(his) breed" because his anxiety, depression, and sexuality are part of who he is.

"planting empty seeds" todd is repeatedly told both through words and actions that the things he cares about are worthless and paltry, and that they won't result in success, which is what his family thinks matters most. anything other than what they expect of him is an empty waste of time that will never grow into anything substantial, so he shouldn't invest in it at all.

"everything is bad in me" the last new lyric, and this one is pretty self-explanatory. the whole song culminates in todd's ultimate belief: that he is the thing that's wrong, not the world around him. he expresses his frustrations, but when push comes to shove he knows that it's him that is the problem, and he's foolish for blaming anything else, but he can't help it. (of course, we know that's not true, but things aren't that simple for him.)

i hope you all enjoyed!! this was a fun dive into todd's character for me and an explanation of how it feels to deal with severe anxiety when the people around you don't understand/think you're just overreacting. it's something ive dealt with all throughout my life, especially from family, no matter how well-intentioned they were. let me know your thoughts!! :)

<- prev | next ->

[roughentumble]

God. I bet Logan gets really bad domdrop. He'll finish a scene and get real quiet and then softly asks, "Babe, am I bad person?"

GOD. LITERALLY ABSOLUTELY SOOOOOO TRUEEEEEE

because he's always at war with his desires and his impulses and he tries to act very Human, like he doesnt /hate/ being a mutant and there are parts he embraces, but he also tends to hide/downplay those sides and only bring them out when he WANTS to shock someone. he contains multitudes. he's like, big on how others perceive him and will play into that intentionally in order to get the social upper hand by not presenting exactly how you'd expect, either being more or less animalistic than his apperance and your own biases would lead you to think.

im getting a little off topic but it is related! despite all that he is scared of being Too Other, Too Freak, Too Beast, Too Animal, Too Mindless. is he too violent? can he put down the violence, will the world let him? is he only made to be a weapon? what would others think of him, if they saw all the instincts he fights against? is he the instincts he fights, or is he the thinking man who wrestles with them?

all questions he struggles with, so any scene-- but extremely and especially a scene where he's mean or violent-- is going to bring those questions back up in his head until he's found a way to settle them and accept himself. i love the idea of wade and logan going out into the woods to dismember and gut each other, and then fuck in the bloody aftermath while their bodies are still knitting together, but logan is still trying to cling to normalcy and humanity enough that it would cause MAJOR domdrop once they were done. he'd be nauseous over what he got pleasure out of doing to another person, because doesnt that just confirm every evil thing ever said about him? while wade doesnt have the same reservations, because he's made peace with his own violence, and is much easier able to compartmentalize what theyre doing here as their version of "playing" because they can both take it. logan has absolutely no desire to dismember someone who cant grow back from it(or even if he does have the urge to do so with people who wont heal, the fact that they wont heal stays his hand and makes the thought repulsive even when the urge to do so with SOMEONE remains), so clearly this doesnt say anything bad about logan, to wade. clearly logan is just someone to the left of human who has inhuman urges and has no interest in sating them with the blood of innocents, he's just a Guy. its Fine. but logan isnt able to see that distinction in himself, and really struggles with feeling like a monster

he needs a lot of TLC and gentle introspection to get over it, and even after he's dealt with it there will be times where he looks over at wade and needs to know. did i hurt you too badly? am i bad because i want to hurt you? am i a monster? could you ever love me when i have your blood in my teeth?

then there's the "dont touch me, im a fucking monster" days where he starts breathing heavy and getting in his own head, and he needs to be talked to nice and sweet, reminded of how happy it makes wade and how he isnt alone in their games. he isnt bad for being an aggressor. because that's what it comes down to, being the aggressor feels like an evil tainted role when its him, but obviously its not bad when WADE is hurting HIM-- a flaw in his logic that he cant see when he's in the moment and panicking and feeling like utter crap

logan getting domdrop is actually something that can be so personal

[llondonfog]

ough listening to The Prince of Egypt soundtrack again. The Plauges. Malleus and Silver. Ough. Im psychologically damaging myself 🛌.

allow me to contribute to the psychological damage even further!! :) (+ sorry in advance for the incredible word vomit because i got in a Mood!!)

The relationship between Malleus, Silver, and Lilia is one that has me foaming on the floor, scratching at my walls, and genuinely rocking back and forth in all around despair, and I don't think it's given the nuance that it should be.

Lilia hatched Malleus out of the love he had for Meleanor and Raverne, a grieving and mournful love that he's carried for centuries for the two people in the world who he cared for most and could not save. The fact that their child, the only remnant left of their existence in this world, might die because of the cold, aching loneliness it has suffered under for so many centuries without its parents, is simply unthinkable. He cannot fail again, and whatever the price may be, he will not allow Malleus, Lilia's last link to his loved ones, to perish. And yet we know from Malleus during his youth, Lilia was not one to raise him directly, though he was called in from time to time to help aid in Malleus' tantrums despite the fact that he was most likely exiled. While not cruel nor unkind to the young prince, he is not fatherly material, nor does he pretend to be even as he softens over time due to his travels and worldly experiences. However, one cannot fault Malleus for latching on to Lilia to perceive him in that role, whether or not he's ever spoken such a desire— without another male figure in his life, Lilia is the only constant enough for Malleus to look to for guidance.

On the other hand, we have Silver. Silver, the child of Lilia's greatest enemy, the one who is directly responsible for the death of Meleanor and most likely had a hand in Raverne's disappearance. A child who Lilia fully considers killing in his cradle in an act of revenge for all that had been lost due to the Knight of Dawn and the Kingdom of Swords' quest for power and control. And yet Silver is the very same child fated to be loved so truly by Lilia, waking for him from a sleep of four hundred years. And with Silver, Lilia truly becomes a father— albeit, not the best example of parenthood as we know. But there's a depth of care here that we do not see with Malleus (understanding it would have been impossible— Malleus was the crown prince, Lilia a disgraced and lowly species in the hierarchy of Briar Valley), and Lilia truly tries his best to ensure Silver's childhood is a happy and healthy one. It's clear that even Silver reciprocates that same devotion (cue me blubbering over the acorn scene), and that Lilia does recognize himself as Silver's father to the point of feeling agitated when his "lie" is discovered and he refuses to dig deep and confront the reasoning behind why he simply couldn't tell Silver the truth of their relationship before.

(Don't get me started on THAT, I could have a whole page on my fascination with Lilia's twisted relationship on love and bonds.)

So we have two young men for the sake of comparison— both owe their lives to Lilia, both raised/guided in some capacity by him, both viewing him as a father/father figure. And yet, there's a difference in their closeness with this man; Malleus has the gift of having spent more time with Lilia, and yet Silver is the one who views himself as Lilia's one and only son. Silver constantly thinks of how to ease his father's life, how to repay him for all that he's done, and how he can best ensure Lilia's "happily ever after", devoted to him in a way that almost makes him Lilia's knight in shining armor instead of Malleus'. Whereas I feel like Malleus not necessarily takes Lilia for granted, but I don't think he's as acutely aware as Silver of the precious nature of time, and how they might have so little left with Lilia until the start of Chapter 7. And I think it's that separation of Silver viewing himself as Lilia's son out of gratitude vs Malleus' view of Lilia being his because he's simply always been a protective, guiding force that really sets off this confrontation for me.

It's this difference in how they think of Lilia that has me spinning wildly in my head. Lilia's departure is tearing Silver apart, it is breaking this boy into a million, shattered pieces, and he is hiding it from his father! He wants nothing more than to beg the man to take him along, to stay by his side and protect him, and yet there is simply no way that he feels that he could demand such things from Lilia if this is the choice that his father has made— he will respect Lilia's decision even if it breaks his heart. For Malleus, this is simply unthinkable— Lilia MUST stay, because it is what both he and Silver want. And while I do agree that Lilia handled this entire decision in the absolute worst way possible, it was still his choice (to be a dick) and Malleus is robbing him (and everyone) of this agency by forcing them into his dreamworld.

So now Silver must stand before the prince he's sworn to protect and serve, on behalf of the man who truly loves him out of everyone in this world, and fight for Lilia's right to leave them and die alone even if allowing him to leave will destroy Silver. And that's just Wild to me— the son of the man who took nearly everything from Lilia is now the one to love him so fiercely that he is willing to stand up to the greatest mage in the world and fight on Lilia's behalf. And every day I live in fear of the next update where Malleus has had enough of Silver's meddling, and finally fulfills what his mother was not capable of accomplishing.

All for the love of the man who believes himself to be so truly unnecessary in their lives.

When I get you, Lilia Vanrouge, WHEN I GET YOU!!!!

[freyito]

I'm in that 'damn I'm too feminine guess I'll die' phase right now, pretty sure it happens monthly, so, I was wondering if I could ask for Liu Kang with a ftm reader who's normally happy just crashing down one day, specifically because they think they're too feminine for people to perceive them as a guy?

Thank you for writing such amazing stuff btw!! :D

anon, you saved me. you SAVED ME. ive been in such a mood and ive been wanting to write something comforting!!! but i havent been able to think of a prompt and i didnt really have the energy for anything in my inbox. and then you BLESSED me with this absolute banger of a request oh em gee.

and don't worry, you're not alone either anon, im also lowkey goin thru it. twinsies!!!! letting you know, from a very feminine (androgynous, but apparently i seem fem aligned) trans man, its okay to feel this. there really is no definition to masculinity and you are a man regardless of what people say!

added some bonus characters for myyyy self indulgence if you don't mind

cw: male reader, ftm, just fluff, implied romantic relationships w/ all, proofread

ʟɪᴜ ᴋᴀɴɢ (ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴏɴᴜꜱᴇꜱ) + ɪɴꜱᴇᴄᴜʀᴇ ꜰᴛᴍ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

-Liu Kang...

is almost disheartened at the sudden change of behavior. Just the other day you had been so vibrant, bringing color, a certain tone to the world. Something even he didn't think was possible. When he had met you, he was smitten. With your positivity, your optimism, and above all else, you.

To find you, quiet, sullen, hiding from him, it was heartbreaking. The absence of your voice and your light was something that very clearly rubbed off on him.

Finding out you've broken because you do not feel yourself, because you cannot look in the mirror without seeing the man you aren't, it fills him with sorrow. Because, he sees you as a man, regardless. He always will, and it will never change.

To be honest, he's quite unsure how to comfort you. He's by your side, reassuring you that you are masculine, that he and many, many others see you as a man. And he wants to make sure you see that. The best he can be is sympathetic, it hurts that he can't necessarily understand you on a deeper level.

However, that does not change how he sees you. Nothing defines masculinity, nor what makes a man in his eyes. Even as a god, he believes there really is no definition to anything, aside from what you make it.

He lets you know exactly that. There is nothing in the world that could change his mind, no insecurity- no matter how big- you find will ever change his view of you.

-Kuai Liang...

originally thinks you are playing a game with him. So suddenly, you disappear. He looks for his sunshine around every corner, every closet, any possible hiding place he can think of. You are the light of his life, your shining brilliance cannot be matched.

So when he finds you sulking in your room, hiding, back turned from him and the world, suddenly concern eclipses his light. The pit in his stomach forms, ever expanding with worry.

Hiding because you do not see yourself as... yourself. You can almost hear his heart shatter. You are afraid other people see this, too. That you are not a man in anyone's eyes.

At first, he believes someone had put this through your head. Someone had told you this, had made you feel this way. And the fire burned within him, something telling him to find whoever had said this to you. Yet, when he finds out it is simply you perceiving everyone else's looks towards you like this, his mind slows down.

Kuai insists you are wrong. His usually calm temper replaced by him adamantly denying that you are seen as anything else. You are a man, regardless. He has never seen you as anything else but one.

Knowing you put yourself down this this claws at him, he partially feels guilty. But he puts in the effort to make you feel exactly like who you are, to bring your radiant light back into his life again.

-Johnny Cage...

can't stand loosing your positivity, your light is an ever-burning warmth that keeps him rather grounded, despite his wit and charm.

He's plunged into sudden darkness when he wakes up to you with your back turned to him, pushed as far away as possible at the edge of the bed. In an instant, it feels like his whole world is ripped away from him.

But, he's determined to make sure it isn't, and he begins with the questioning almost immediately. This was the quickest you've ever seen him wake up. And to find the reason you've pushed yourself away from him is because you don't see yourself how he sees you, and that you are ashamed- no, no. He can't have that.

Johnny cuts you off immediately, showering you and pampering you with affirmations. He does not allow you any room to let your mind twist your identity. He makes it known that you are a man, he sees you as a man, everyone sees you as a man.

He's serious, too. All traces of the signature Cage tone are wiped out, his voice soft, yet heavy. He doesn't let you, not even for a second, get back into your dysphoric mind-space. He tries, real hard, anyways.

Johnny only lets up when he finally sees even a potential smile on your face. And once he's so sure he's affirmed your gender,- and you've affirmed yourself- he's back to his over-the-top persona, bathed in wit and perhaps even a little bit of pride.

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