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#im so angry. im just so angry. it was unfair. it was so unfair
cheesebearger · 1 month
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it is fucking me up more than a little that my parents made my brothers my responsibility when i was 6. like i hadnt really done the math or thought about how young i was. but i was 6. i was 6 years old when i was first told that if my brothers did something bad, i had to be punished too, because i was their "role model" and if they did something bad that must mean i was bad at my role. collective punishment for pretty much everything. and from that point onward, i was really solely responsible for my brothers.
i raised them. my middle brother and i helped teach our youngest brother how to talk. i taught my youngest brother how to ride a bike. we taught each other compassion and conflict resolution, in a household where conflict resolution meant screaming and shouting and threats and sometimes even physical violence.
and i was fucking 6 years old. i was fucking 6. i was a child. i was a child, too. a child told her needs were selfish, that i needed to set my needs aside to serve as role model and parent for my brothers, and as therapist and life coach for my failures of parents. at 6.
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inkskinned · 1 year
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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p4nishers · 10 months
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oh. mobius loving loki as death loves everything. he's been here since the beginning of time and his work is all he's ever known and he spends eons watching variants get pruned and he feels like the only one who cares. then he meets a definitely-not-analyst who knows him and is desperate for him to say that he knows them too and even after they erase his memories over and over he remembers it deep down and he dedicates himself to loki variants and feels sad, is sadness when they get pruned. no there's no justice or comfort, there's just the tva but he cares the most about ppl dying, he cares so much about loki's fate and he sticks his neck out several times just so they can live and it's making me think of death taking no pleasure in his job. of death knowing there's no such thing as justice and hating the world for it anyway. you must learn compassion to be death. mobius loves like death.
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simcardiac-arrested · 2 months
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can we talk about no way back. hi . Hello ! i want to talk about this (-1 HP) drawing (-1 HP) that you've made (-1 HP)(-1 HP)(-1 HP)
Hi. um. what if the cracks started showing
#what if im so used to pushing down my emotions that. um. haha . (sweats)#what if the real me . umm. is soemwhere down there 👇 (bottom of mariana trench)#What if i have eons and eons and eons and eons and eons of pent up anger. is that like. fucked up#what if im a ticking time bomb and i’ve already gone off two or three times but there’s still More? what do i do when just ‘moving on’#isn’t enough? what if i still hurt? what if you apologized and i still hurt and i hurt and i hurt until the end of time#but i can’t show it because well that’s unfair right? that’s stupid and unfair because you said you’d try to be better and i said#that i want to be there to see it. I mean why do i get to be angry and ruin everything that’s just wrong. it’s wrong and i should just stop#and move on like you expect me to. because it’s fine. it doesn’t matter and it really is fine why wouldnt it be#what do you mean i look ‘bothered’ i’m literally fine. i’m not mad and i never think about all the things you’ve said to me. Whaaaat hahaaaa#seriously i’m not mad. well. I mean. it’s still there but i’m not mad. it’s still there somehwere (bottom of mariana trench) but like#it’s not Here and it never will be so like. i’m good. Really. why are you asking what’s the matter#the matter is that we’ve both moved on. okay? I’ve moved on. im moving on. im so moving on im on the other side of the planet already#that’s how moved on i am ok ? We already talked about it once it’s fine. i’m not mad. i’m really really not#can we just go back to telling jokes?#cramswering
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llycaons · 1 month
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me and a beloved mewtual going LITERALLY and EXACTLYY to each other as we reaffirm a core part of the story being wwx's overall journey in his social dynamics to stability and security as he goes, not without tragedy and loss, but from a contentious and unsupportive main relationship in a hostile social setting that degenerates quickly into dysfunction and instability and violence to end up with a supportive and healthy and happy life partnership with someone whose main life goals involve taking care of him
#like YES wwx lost so much and he was truly happy in some aspects of LP and it was so unfair what he lost#but starting the story being so close to jc and then ending it being so close to lej was unquestionably a net benefit for him#and im someone who does support reconciliation but it's a happy ending that wwx is with someone#who can and will prioritize him and care for him and support him and prove himself trustworthy and a moral equal#in the way that wwx needs#not that it doesn't hurt. it probably hurts jc more tho#and um how do I say this. I don't rly care? after all he's done to wwx he doesn't even have the right to be in the same room as him#let alone demand shit from him. any reconciliation HAS to come with sincere and heartfelt apology#and if wwx rides off into the sunset w lwj and jc is left alone and miserable well. that's tragic but that's also due to his own actions#like dude you treated him like that what did you expect...#like at the end of the day. actions have consequences and shit#'well he didn't know about xyz' the shit he was doing to wwx both before and after he lost his gc was insane sorry#jc acts on emotion amd doesn't stop to think he might not have all the info...#also like. I get him being angry abt jyl even a decade abd a half after the fact#but attacking someone ill and unarmed multiple times as they're trying to flee#and intentionally using their phobia to terrorize them. is just deeply cruel and malicious and ignoble. he's a shitty person#idk how much he cries. 40 year old minor....#like personally I don't consider him abusove as a brother but he's clearly ready and willing to abuse his power as a sect leader#when he gets mad enough#but yeah sect leader and uncle and brother of the year 🙄#cql txp
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deus-ex-mona · 20 days
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. ​how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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widevibratobitch · 5 months
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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hella1975 · 1 year
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me
#rant#i guess#it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever#like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning#i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry#its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too#it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but#a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container#or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside.#it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time.#i hate this survivalistic shit#its not long before i move out thank god but still#he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything#like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice.#i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it.#and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive#at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont#let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know#writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy
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skunkg1rll · 5 months
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🦨
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angelstrawbabie420 · 13 hours
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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skitskatdacat63 · 10 months
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Watching the Brawn docu has me wanting to reach through the screen to choke out Christian and Montezemolo
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#like i feel like obv theyre probably being dramatic for the sake of the docu#but at the same point it rly feels like they still hold a grudge#and im not one of those people who decrys the rb19 as being illegal or whatever#but my god for someone's car who gets accused of being illegal a lot christian youre sure talking a load of shit#like ik hes talking abt his standpoint from back then but atp in his career after all hes been thru#should he not be admiring them?????#as i said in my other tags:#wah wah angry bcs another team found a loophole in the loophole sport???#i love tho brundle is like talking abt how he loves how teams exploit and bypass the rulebook#like to be the rulebook is like...you read it in depth so you can see what you can get away with#and obv the other teams will be annoyed but at the same time i feel like id be lowkey congratulatory like wow nice loophole!!#and also the rb5 was pretty good imo and just needed time and got bludgeoned by the brawn#meanwhile the ferrari of this ssn is basically like the ferrari of well this season#like ferrari and mclaren in 2009 basically had thw same situation as this yr#start out shit and then developed enough along the season to get podiums and wins#like rbr somewhat has a point bcs imo theyd def be the top team if not for brawn's double diffuser#so i get that yknow. but ferrari was just straight up trash and cant put up w the fact that they made a shit car#also 2009 KERS is SOOOOOOO much more broken and unfair than the DD imo!!!#like ex. Fisi totally should have won Spa but Kimi got him literally just bcs of KERS#but god yeah anyways these fucking politics ny god....the one thing max moseley did right was to accept the Brawn hahaha#why am i getting pissed at 14 year old drama LMFAO#fuck i am so happy for Brawn i think it would truly be the most unfair thing in the entire sport if they had screwed them over#i reallt just think the other teams were eternally salty because they voted to get Brawn into the sport#and then get pissy when Brawn is actually fucking fantastic#like they just expected them to be trash and then got pissed when they werent backmarkers its so dumb#ANYWAYS THEYRE NOW TALKING ABOUT CHINA 2009 MY FUCKING BELOVED SEBMARKSON!!!!!!!!#^ but speaking of that. so funny that christian was a total whiny bitch at the FIA meeting btwn Malaysia and China#talking abt how unfsir the decision was and then WENT ON TO WIN THE VERY NEXT RACE LIKE BRUH STFFUUUUUU#catie.rambling.txt
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ahalliance · 1 month
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i need to do exposure therapy with purgatory i think the fandom experience at the time instilled the unpleasant dread and despair i still feel whenever i think about the event
#though it was also . the event itself’s fault . lol#and the miserable experience it was to watch them play from 7 pm to 5 am every single day for two weeks my time#and yes a lot of my unpleasant feelings towards purg come from my own ass being hyperfixated on the serv/etoiles#to a point where i struggled to Not watch . which made the feelings worse yknow#also like it kinda sucked for everyone it also sucked as an etoiles viewer . man was constantly stuck between the#‘i can’t fight like i want to bc people will complain that im too strong and it’s unfair nor can i Not fight bc people will complain that#i’m going easy on people/not invested in the team’ . and he was right people shit on him either way#like the event marked him in the ‘damned if i do damned if i don’t’ department so much that he still uses purgatory as an example today#and then he joined purg2……. babey girl ur hyperfixation is hurting u….. i actually enjoyed purg2 more tho so idc as much LOL#purg2 was better bc it was an event u actually willingly joined and it included people not from the main server so it wasn’t stuck in#fucking ‘is this lore or a pvp competition’ limbo#anw yeah even though i dislike purgatory overall bc it rly did shitall other than make people angry for two weeks (on ur server thats#supposed to be about uniting cultures . they all spoke in primarily english for two weeks bc the competition model that purg was#was just not built for short distance discussions…. lord)#there’s still some cool stuff that came out of it . my fave highlights r bloodhounds and nice cogs i love them#when i feel stronger i will comb through the vods to write up the relevant stuff for the etoiles miraheze page i just . am still not strong#enough . the detox must be slow and steady#jay rambles#also i am going to bed now i should have been asleep ages ago
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irlctubbo · 5 months
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I wish I was born a British boy but nooo I was born a girl in the US south with parents who constantly dead name me
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yuukei-yikes · 1 year
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are any kano experts out there. do you think he'd apologize to takane for what he did to her in ep 7
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aqqleshiqqing-archive · 11 months
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it only clicked to me how many good songs steven stoughton has btw
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