#im sick as fuck and i NEED to get my hw in

[nyaskitten]

I hate the stupid fucking cunts who manage Xfinity I'm not sorry. Why the fuck are you always screwing everyone over with disgusting fucking prices??? We had to drop cable COMPLETELY a few months ago just so we weren't as overcharged, and this cuntfuck of a company decides to continue being shit, and continue overcharging??? Actually go to hell.

[steampunkedparm]

need to redye it but!! dayyummm boy thats a more even dye then i was expecting for my first time eve dying clothes >:3

hopefully going out to get more dye (and. fabric markers. i forgot them last time..) tomorrowwwwww i am ecstatic ab this shit

[sameteeth]

having to constantly ask for grace is exhausting. please forgive me. im so sorry. i cannot perform to your standards. dont look down - you'll see the gaps in my body that supports you and realize you want to get off. these gaps have always been here - they'll always be here - i am not a complete person. sorry for lying. i didnt want you to think me an animal. sorry for lying. i didnt want you to be uncomfortable working with a dog

[sadstrever]

cw: 116lbs

gw: 106lbs

hw: 150lbs

hi. so my last account got banned so i realize now i should be a little more careful of what i say cuz i guess i concerned some of you. or this will just be my last post because i need to vent.

wanna hear how i started my day? i chew and spit my food into plastic bottles(i know i’m disgusting no one should ever do this) and i was opening it and it exploded fucking everywhere and the smell was putrid and it was all over me and my bedroom. and i was hungover. and it was 7am. and i threw up immediately after. anyways, i haven’t e@ten in weeks. lol. almost a month, which isn’t the longest i’ve gone so don’t worry this is not that bad lol. ALSO NO I WILL NOT BE GIVING TIPS. ever since my brother moved away it’s been pretty easy to st@rve. the hard part now is knowing where to draw the line. my best friend has broken down a lot recently because of me. i’m an awful person lol. i let them get too close and now they know too much about the disgusting things i do. i needed space because seeing him just makes me feel guilty for putting him through this with me. i tried to end the friendship 2 nights ago over a bottle of v0dka. it did not work out very well. i said some really hurtful things to him that i didn’t mean in an effort to push him away. once the alc wore off i made him a cake to apologize which now that i say it out loud, it does not feel like much of an apology at all. he somehow easily forgave me which makes me feel even shittier. he said it was because he knows im sick. i don’t know what i’m doing. the derealization has gotten worse. i tried going half sober which didn’t help. i’ve developed a laxative problem too which also doesn’t help. it’s not as bad as others though, i was just taking 3 a day for a minute(a few months)but that’s so fucking bad for you and it really made my stomach problems worse. i took 3 today for the first time after not taking them for weeks and there was really no reason. just a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. when that didn’t help, i tried to smoke but i got too high because i only smoke every other day now which lowered my tolerance. when THAT didn’t work i went to the gym and burned 460 calories and then THAT didnt work so i walked around and burned 240 more. none of it made me feel less empty. i’m so sick of it. why is it all so fucked. nothing feels right. i want to try and recover but i don’t remember the person i was before all of this. my brain just fucking can’t figure it out. i don’t feel like a real person man. i want to recover and not because i’m giving up. starving is the easiest part of my life. it’s all that seems to make me feel a little better. eating always makes me so depressed and in a worse way. it makes me aware of reality in a way that fucking kills me. i need to do it if i want to feel human, if i want to be a good friend, daughter, sister. i’m gonna wait until i’m underweight which is once i’m 109lbs. 7lbs away lol. it’ll probably take a week or two so i guess i’ll update on how i’m trying to recover. fuck i really don’t want to man. pls give me tips because i can’t die and just be a sad fucking story to everyone i love. or just fucking report me like u guys did last time, not having any safe place with people who relate will totally help too!!!

[plaguethewaters]

hey lychee heeyyy if you ever wanna yk talk about the beeduo kids I will. I will Very gladly listen (<- avid listener)

my french hw is looking at me very badly.

ANYWAY i have been having very heavy brainrto about a second beeduo kid her name is Maple and she is absolutely perfect in every single way.

i have.l extensive enderman headcanons about pretty much all of their society and biology - because im sick and dumb in the head mostly, but also because i have a pretty detailed space au with endermen as a race where most of the wordbuilding came from. Then again, in my canon continuation au (wich started with the idea of making a better ending to the dsmp and then spiraled into like two more seasons and twenty to forty more years of story) ranboo is, in fact, a full blooded enderman and also a prince from the end so i kinda needed to get mysself some lore for that too.

Strictly maple specific biology fact include

endermen do not have any gender, but they also do not have any sexes. Unlike humans and other human based hybrids, endermen reproduce entirely asexually.

enderman reproduction is strictly based on the End, because endermen are technically made of End Dirt. There's a small, slightly related specie of enderman that is instead made of Nether Dirt. Ranboo is a little bit of an experiment, because they're made of both. (it was not an experiment on purpose. His older sister accidentally spilled the wrong dirt while he was being made)

This works basically like these: two or more people (more often more, as children are raised communally in hauntings. The only "single parent" household that really exists in the end is the royal family, and that's a whole other can of worms) decide they want a child. They gather around one of the Sacred Birth Places, which is any space that has a decently high density of dragon magic, and then they perform a ritual that i have yet to properly think about to make that baby. The baby is then made from the magic dirt and it'll proceed to grow pretty much like a human child.

The Dirt Baby is made 40% of dragon magic, 10% of Dirt, and 50% of their parent's shared souls.

(in my minecraft wordbuilding, a "soul" is the code a player runs on. For endermen player specifically, their sould is physically made into the enderpearl)

(the endermen that get farmed for the pearls aren't players, mostly. Kinda like the difference between and ape and a human irl)

Now enderian children. They are such fucked up little creatures and i love them very much.

First fact! They Do Not Have Mouths

just like. they don't. just skin down there.

It is mostly a defense mechanism: most predators in the end do not have the same kind of night vision enderman have, and hunt mostly by sound. Which means endermen children are uniquely silent and still most of the time.

The mouth does open with time - it fully opens around the time an enderman is fully matured. My ranboo, for example, still has his mouth kind of attatched by new lmanburg, and gets it fully open by the end of canon

children, not having mouths, cannot actually speak. They communicate mostly by vibrating (a purring kind of sound they produce with a secondary set of vocal cords that sits in their chest, just below their pearl. It can make a purring sound, a static kinda sound, and many many others), gesturing, and flapping of their secondary ears

their two sets of secondary ears are much smaller than the main set and will gradually disappear by the time they're like, 12 (which is also when the mouth is generally open Enough to start making sounds). Think of it like losing baby teeth.

And now, the star of the show (and the end of this post bc it is getting kind of long and i do actually need to study lmao)

BABY MAPLE!!!!

maple happens when Micheal is around thirteen (so think, 9 to 10 years after the end of the serie), and after a lot of things have happened in my regular canon

(For context, in that time period: The main villains (the egg and dream and dream xd) have all, separately, been defeated. Ranboo has been brought back to like, michael has lost his first two lives, the nukes have been launched, the apocalypse has happened for a few years, the dsmp as a political entity has been disbanded and every association to that has been made a bannable offense, our Main Cast beeduo family included has moved to a new, much normaler city, ranboo has discovered he's the long lost prince to the enderian empire and he has got a mother and a sister and he's actually even fucking richer than he was before, benchtrio has gotten a decent new life, michael has started elementary school and made a few friends, wilbur has gotten so much fucking therapy and is gradually trying to mend his relationship with his family. Not necessarily in that order).

At one point they just. decide to have a baby, just because, and michael is SUPER fucking on board with the idea. he loves the thought of a baby sibling, he adores the idea of having a partner iin crime, he's already decided the ways he will corrupt them to his side and use them to get more ice cream after dinner. he's happier about it than his parents tbh and they're really proud of that.

So they go to the end, and poof out baby maple with the usual enderian dark magic. Maple is a biological beeduo mix, and since my tubbo is a dragon hybrid, she's half enderman half dragon.

Given that she's made of end Dirt she's mostly enderman looking and deveopment wise, but she will grow wings at one point and her horns look a lot more like tubbo's than ranboo's.

Her name was given by tommy, because she has a cute little tail that looks like a maple leaf. He absolutely cried when they told him they're calling her maple, and he will deny this to his death.

They raised her pretty gender neutral because of the whole "endermen do not have gender thing" (and also bc in my minecraft world. people do not have gender at all mostly? Like sexes exist for human and human hybrids but there's a much much less strict gender spectrum) - but the second she was aware what gender identity was she fell in love with being a girl, and that was it. She was like, 6, but her opinion never changed much.

She becomes taller than michael by the time she's seven. He is adeguately horrified by that fact. She is still shorter than ranboo tho and it makes him gloat quite a bit.

She's very fem presenting, but she keeps her hair short by endermen tradition. (for enderman, the act of cutting one's hair is considered basic hygene. Not cutting it indicates grief, mourning, or a general tragedy big enough that you can't even take care of yourself. Ranboo, who still didn't remember this but did it by instincts, stopped cutting his hair after doomsday. Even decades post canon he keeps it super fucking long, out of the respect for the Goddess of Death that allowed his revival) (and also he thinks he looks relly fucking pretty with long hair) (he is right)

i have more thoughts but it Is 6 (six) pm so i am stopping. Good lick and very much thank you if you actually read my whole rambling lmao

[kraro-school-life]

A little update on my life rn:

I am sick. Like stayed home and cried multiple times because my throat hurts so fucking much sick. Whoever is trying to strike me down is doing a fantastic job :) The multiple weeks before haven´t been enough? Yet I still need to get my shit together, because so much is HAPPENING and I didn´t feel like writing by hand. So here´s my (kinda) journal entry.

There is this one art competition, which my teacher signed me up for. And I haven´t been able to work on my project the whole summer and the deadline is in 1,5 weeks. This IS optional regarding my school grade, but this is like a significant competition and my teacher and me think I have, eh, at least a decent chance at getting podium? I have a fully thought out, detailed idea... but basically only 2 sketches. And now I have to decide: do I go for it and start even though it´s gonna be HELLA (extra!!) work and might not garantee podium. The thing is, I don´t know if I´ll even finish this thing. Or do I just give up. Which, now that I typed it out, sounds crazy. Why would I give up? (Because Im so tired and stressed and all this work is not good for my mental health, bud did we ever care about that? haha).

Now that we got that out the way, MORE FUCKING DECICIONS!!!1!!!1

And not like small ones, no, the art comp might give me valuable clasification, that´s hard enough to decide. Now I have to decide what subjects I want for my Abi (exit exam). Are you being fr?? I knew this was coming but isn´t next Monday a bit too soon? Bro. Anyway. The thing is - I need to decide. And for that I need to do research if the subjects matter and how much, if specific degrees require subjects... Do I look like I know what I will be dooing with my life. So that.

I need to get info about a 10 day school? project I´m a part of. At least I hope it will be a fun trip. (Not fun making up all the work tho).

I am also responsible for my grade´s yearbook, which I also need to get started on immidatly. But for that I luckily have a friend that can help me out the first 2 weeks so I don´t have to stress as much. (I volounteered, but still. Someone´s gotta do it right.)

Generally uni research and qualifications are something I HAVE to get started on. Just yesterday I was in 9th grade wth?! I hate this transitional period. So much potential for mistakes, so many choices.

And school ofc, because assigments don´t know what a break is <3:

Religion presentation

Physics research

Philosophy hw (excerpts)

Eco hw

School art project finish

History hw

gonna brb trying to make a realistic schedule with all this shit.

My god is being a functioning member of society difficult,

Hope I don´t fuck myself over,

xoxo - ♦️

[mightbeorphanedidk]

PLASTERED SMILE MASTERPOST

This is more for myself than anything else, just a record of the progress I made for P.S in case I need it. And also I just wanted to make a masterpost of something

Okay my bitchass didn't even MENTION the fic until chapter 5 was out wtf

First direct mention: Voting on a new title

My drafts are funny + Poll results + My bird got eaten by a fucking magpie

Exam period is over + Chapter 9 is nearly done

My friends worry for me how do i live laugh love in these conditions (reblog)

Alastor what a mouth you've

Chapter 10 posted i hate my dog (lovingly)

My drafts are still absolutely hilarious + Progress on chap 12

Rosie makes a big decision + I get sick

Making fun of character design + I'm getting more sick but refuse to admit it

Internal Dialogue: Do I go insane or not?

I got distracted :( (reblog)

My science teacher assigns me a fuckton of hw + chap 17 is fine

I have to cement this point; My drafts are HYSTERICAL

More sneak peeks, I speak BANGER lines (reblog)

Plastered Smile is my #1 Bae

My beta reader is a BITCH

STILL A BITCH (reblog)

The struggles of being a teen writer </3 (catch up big bro)

My big ass mouth mentions P.S to an IRL friend

Chapter 19 :0 I am nervous

My doc is lagging (reblog)

CHAPTER 19 IS NEARLY DONE! My chap average isn't that bad

Up to editing! (reblog)

How was the story guys

JUST IN! One-off comment becomes intense foreshadowing, author says she doesn't know either

Sigh, chores :/

I'm eating chat is this real (reblog)

"chat what do i do when i accidentally vent my issues into a cannibalistic deer this is so not dattebayo" was i high writing that

Its a long wayy to tipperary, it's a long way to go, it's a long way to tipperary, to the sweetest girl i knowww (its a banger song for the ANZAC hearmeout (reblog)

*GASP* What the hell happened to the cane, orphaned?

I INSPIRED SOMEONE TO WRITE I'VE PEAKED

Editing chap 20 + Sentimental thoughts n stuff

I forgot to say that they reuploaded it moments later

Posted the last chapter, I aggressively play Roblox easy obby 725 stages

nvm (reblog)

im a busy woman what can i say

i can finish this epilogue (i made the masterpost right after that post)

no i cant my life sucks

Pretty Crier (Cryer? The crying? who gaf at this point)

Perspective

Misunderstandings (Old toxic men yaoi)

[mainfaggot]

patterns (again) (sorry) (not really because I apologise beforehand but ill do it anyway lol):

- sunlight made me so happy when I was a kid. it started making me feel nauseous when I hit 17. depression turned me into a vampire. i kind of like sunlight again, but it's a strange 50/50 situation since it can make me feel sick with melancholy if it hits the wall a certain way or bathes my bedroom from a specific angle. not even exaggerating i am just that neurotic over non issues. so sensitive for what exactly? yeah I don't know either! fuck

- i dont know why i get so sad sometimes but then i get annoyed about getting sad and then i get all self deprecating about getting sad and then i get sadder. this is not new at all. this also goes for getting anxious. i feel like a little freak sometimes. working on it for real (progress is a sine function graphed weirdly by a 15 year old)

- it's bad when i dont want to be the cuntiest in the room. so unserious but actually if im not willing to dress up a little it means it's so over. well actually it depends sometimes it's so over but im dressing up to preserve my sanity... but sometimes I can't even do that. so.

- trying to rationalise everything always. i have virgo disease nothing can cure me. maybe a girlfriend (but she would leave me, on account of my virgoisms)

idk why i made this list I just needed to word vomit and i ❤️ lists and not doing my big boy hw even though i am a 20 year old trying to get a bachelor's degree. love and light and nausea god i am nauseous

yours temporarily,

zay mainfaggot

[leoolol2]

29/09/2024

I wasn't expecting something this big, but here is my second day of writing.

anotação pro meu psicólogo: o senhor pode me fazer um relatório pra eu ir pro psicólogo da minha mãe, por favor? ela queria que eu fosse porque eu realmente tô com dificuldade de estudar mesmo estudando fora do meu quarto, e ela achava que o meu quarto era o problema. :) obrigado.

Well, I can't sleep. Like, at all. So here I am, already writing this in 2:30 AM! I probably will have an all-nighter and wtv, I should be productive tonight.

I was a bit productive, doing some of my math homework and watching some mvs from my fav bands until 4 am and then just passing out. I then woke up at 9, and my mom wrote some of my fav bands on my nails! i forgot to mention yesterday that i painted my own nails at night. (mcr and p!atd). i also took a bath in the morning and washed my hair; something i think i havent done for about 1 or 2 weeks? i think im getting worse, mental health wise, but i dont know. i'll update this once the afternoon ends. I also ranted a bunch about mcr and fob to my mom, and she complained about linkin park to me. i love my mom and having similar interests with her! My brother came to visit us today! :)

I ate some actual meal today: broccoli, rice, just a bit grinded meat, sweet potato, and normal potato. The broccoli tasted like shit. I also drank peach tea. After lunch, we went back home and got my Nina the Killer cosplay jacket to a dressmaker so that she could put a zipper on it. We then went to get some icecream at McDonald's! I ranted a bunch about MCR again but this time to my brother. :)

After that we went back home and my family decided to put up the shelf I had on my floor for the longest time. It's a bit crooked, but I don't mind, honestly. I now have a bunch of shit I need to put up on the shelf once more, though. It's all on my bed, making me barely able to sit here and write this on my PC. Well, I should put up my stuff on my "new" shelf.

after scrolling through tumblr a bunch my mom did my nails for me. it was fun. i only got a top coat added because my black nail polish is on the verge of dying but its fine! i'll buy some later. my nails are not shiny, though.

i did some of my hw, and also got my piano out of under my bed! my friend also got me in contact w this russian boy, i think hes cute. hes in brazil too, so i rly hope he replies to my dm on insta.

im so so soo sleepy, so im gonna go sleep after i finish at least this teacher's hw. its 21:47, for the record. i didn't stay up that late today. still, im gonna post this. i hope whoever reads this has a good day!

꒰꒰・┄┄┄┄・rants section・┄┄┄┄・꒱꒱

this is a section i made up to see if any time i have any rants, i come here!

so it will be more in depth than the actual casual diary. (i also will mention when exactly i wrote it!)

12:52. thinking about how my therapist tells me to act as my own best friend. i dont know how, genuinely. i cannot. maybe i can suck my own dick sometimes and tell myself im so hot and the best person in the world, but thats obviously not true. its not like i feel like that all the time, either. from a day to another i suddenly feel like the worst person alive. its not as if someone tells me that i am, or something triggers me. i just feel that out of no where. but whatever.

16:22. My dad doesn't understand that yelling at my dog doesn't do anything. It just makes her madder and more pissed off at the world and makes me actually feel sick and about to cry. I want to protect her from everything. I don't want to be here, I want to go away with her and fuck everything else. I won't be missed probably anyway. The only people that would miss me is my online friends, who doesn't really know me in real life. Well, I guess some that have this blog can now know more about me. :)

16:26. Thinking about the ripped up letter. I wasted 2 hours of my night writing that for a girl who didn't even want me romantically. She just wanted to have fun, someone to kiss with no feelings truly attached. I guess that would be fun if my feelings didn't feel so extreme. Someone I love can become someone I despise just because of a small mistake they didn't really mean to do. Well, I try not to be too mad at them for that, but this isn't the case of that anyway. I wanted her to be my girlfriend but she didn't want to have anything romantic. She practically cut ties and said that she had shit for yesterday when she used to be so excited to see me some time ago. Maybe it was an excuse that she made. Either way, we're not talking. I don't really care about her. I care about the time and words of mine that she wasted.

17:46. i was listening to music and back to the old house reminds me of them so much. fuck. i miss frank.

17:59. i feel too feminine, doing my nails and liking girly things. my face is too feminine, my voice is too feminine. everything about me, the way i walk, talk, read out loud, interact with my friends. absolutely everything. i want to cry thinking about it because i dont want to. maybe this is an internalized issue of some sort. i really need to address this in therapy, probably.

18:17. I just noticed im going back to my "scenecore"/crunkcore phase. fuck. one of my worst, honestly.

18:30. just wanna mention how amazing i feel rn:3 feeling on top of the world is so good !!

18:58. winderson is making me rage. makes me want to punch him or throw it somewhere. but he's my baby, i cant do that.

[wabbitriii]

i think i wanna be dead sometimes

i don't wanna go im so tired so exhausted so just everything. and i'm behind on math hw and i'm just i need a day off but i have play but they'll understand if i'm sick right?? i can just do everything at home and also there's physic i can make it up later that's easy enough and just

i just need a day to both relax and get myself in order

im so stressed im just so stressed and im so tired and i can't do this i can't and dad probably won't even let me i just have to really put on a show for mom she already suspected it

i'm so depressed i m so fucking depressed i can't do this i just can't

one of the voices in my head is just repeating "no" again and again and again and again and agiN and again and i can't make it stop

that's another thing i keep hearing: "make it stop" it???? what's it???? and HOW????????

please god let me stay home just please please please please please

please

IM CRUMBLING AT THE SEAMS

[brninwis]

hi tumblr life update thihg uhh its been a year since ive been on here, and its been a long one.

im currently no longer friends w the people i have been for the past 3ish years. sev and i didnt like this girls bf, and overall weve been having personal issues w the group, and then our confidant decide to snitch to the girl n her bf. apparently they miss us but wtf do you want? the bf or us?

anyways. not much else has happened. im graduating january 25th with a hs diploma equivalent(?) which is very exciting. i failed the entirety of hs just to graduate early. i was a junior with 12 credits and all Fs, skipping school everryday. and now i havent skipped at all.

uhmmm…… my relationship with seven is really good. we get along very well and hes literally the only person i hang out with. we joke abt being friendless and its true…. but at some point we’ll find new ones lol. hs needs to be overr…. uhmmm…. nothing bad w me and sev. weve talked abt my asexuality which was a huge thibg on here, and he accepts it but i feel miserable about it.

if i could choose between being ace and being fucking normal id be normal. its so scary being in a relationship with an allosexual when ur quite literally sex repulsed. like when is he going to get sick of me, when does. it become too much? and he’s a sweetheart, so i know he’d suffer in silence until it gets too much. but is it already too much???

uhmmmm sev has his driver’s license. which is rlly cool!! weve just been driving around.

i did my last show at my hs and sam and i did a speech afterwards. the show was she kills monsters and it was great.

i also did rent at the theater guild this august(?)!!!!

making me think abt my old friends, they claimed they missed us and we dont care abt them anymore, but did u care abt my show? my first ever non high school show and none of my supposed “friends” gave a shit about it. not one single word, or hey thats cool, or ill come see it. yet next chapter they put the fault of our failing relationships on me.

sorry ourr friendship breakup was so messy, i was the villain in the situation even tho there was none.

i havent self harmed in a really long time, i cant even remember the last time!!? before taylor swift which is august. so also before that.

lord i just thought of something i shouldn’t say on here but also wtf? how do i deal with that,, how did i deal with that???????

ive been gaining weight, im almost at my hw���.. which is fucking killing me, its a combination of my antipsychotic, birth control, ed, and my boyfriend. its sometimes hard having a bf with the opposite ed you have, and his is more? scary? even though both are. but i care more about his health than mine, and he eats more with me which is good. but also, not good for me. and i can’t restrict bcus then he is too. cat and mouse?

gonna go on a new birth control which goes in my arm.

i cant think of anything else. my life is at a standstill right now, im in between being an adult and a teenager. and its not helping that im graduating early. im just frozen in fear. im excited for thw rest of my life but im also not. uhmmm…

there was supposed to be a major snow storm tonight, but i see no snow. i hope it happens tho bcus i dont want to go to school.

[ignatiusteto]

ah yes the worst time to be over thinking the same thing repeatedly in your head that you literally only have One Friend (that y'know you can confide in and things even if there is a little gap sometimes) (and that is literal states away yes I'm talking abt u bc i love u ur literally my ONLY like best friend if u see this) because the two other people that I had been friends with one an ex best friend and one that just drifted bc more interesting ig are best friends forever now which really does hurt bc y'know someone that hurt you really bad intentional or not and the only other person you Could call a friend are just y'know have what you used to have and your former friend tells you all these things that YOU used to experience and have and you can't even participate in the irl group because you get repeatedly pushed out by a person so full of hate of anyone that has more issues than them and it's just :) great!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[feua]

I just wanna skip tomorrow but theres too much going on

[zenyye]

.

[stardust-revengers]

I just!!!!!love!!!!!being!!!!!s i c k!!!!!!!!:)))))!!!!