#im sad because this show helped me out of my depression and now its back worse then ever

[billieeilishmommy]

just so you know,, i know

in which you have been more sad recently, causing you to not want to do anything, not even hang out with your girlfriend. and she knows somethings wrong

a/n please yall this is my first angst fanfic with billie,, and i kinda used my own personal life for this guys sorry if it's specific,, use of y/n

tw depression, mentions of not eating, crying, cussing, mentions of sh, loss of family

(if you are not comfortable reading things with those topics do not be afraid to stop reading! and know im here for you. your not alone, i love you all and your here for a reason babies)

ever since you lost your dad, you haven't been acting the same. yeah, your dad wasn't around, but that doesn't change the fact that its your dad. apart of you is missing now and you wont be able to get it back.

obviously billie has been with you the whole time, but eventually she had to go because of her music and you understood that, honestly you would rather be alone, of course you loves billie being there though.

you were currently laying in your bed, surrounded by plates and cups, most of them having food in them since you couldn't bring yourself to finish them, but it made you feel overwhelmed, but you just couldn't get yourself up to clean it.

all you wanted to do is lay there and think about this, everything bad was happening to you and you don't know why.

the last time billie was at your house was around 2 days ago, and you haven't talked to her since then. you wanted to, but you didn't want to look on your phone because you knew that you would feel guilty for not responding so you didn't. you laid on your bed watching your comfort shows and youtubers over and over again until you found some sort of relaxation.

all you were thinking about is how this grief will never go away. its stuck with you forever no matter what.

eventually you'll start to live with it and continue on with how you used to be, but not right now. all you wanted was comfort but you also just didn't want to be around anyone.

a few days later, the last time you've ate was around 3 days ago and the last time you've talked to billie was 7 days ago. you missed her, and who knows what she thinks about you. hell, she probably thought you blocked her. that was why she came into your room with no notice, just showed up.

"y/n? are you okay? you haven't talked to me?-" she says, cutting herself off as she steps in your room

"hi billie" you say quietly, your voice hoarse since the last time you've talked was ages ago.

"are you okay baby?" she says to you, not worried about all the trash and plates on the floor, she immediately sits beside you, "sit up for me princess. tell me whats wrong"

your eyes immediately start to fill with tears, and before you can get a word out the tears start falling and you can't get them to stop

"its okay hun" billie says to you softly and wraps her arms around you and gently kisses your forehead.

"billie i can't-" you cut yourself off with heavy breathing.

"yes you can my love, you can breathe okay, you can talk okay, your okay." she reassures you and it helps you calm down a lot.

"are you okay now baby?" she says quietly to you.

"i think so.." you sniffle, wiping the tears from your face.

"whens the last time you've gotten up love?" she asks you, worried. all you do is just shrug in embarrassment.

"its okay baby, have you ate any today or do you want me to make you something?" she asks you in a comforting tone, she knows just how to talk to you.

"im not hungry." you protest and put your head on your knees.

she gives you a look, knowing that your lying. "what do you want me to make you baby?" she asks, cuping your cheek.

"nothing, im not hungry" you say, in a colder tone this time and she nods, not wanting to make you uncomfortable in any way.

"are you okay my love?" she asks softly

"no bils.. i can't do this anymore." you sniffle into her shoulder, genuinely so tired.

"baby don't say that. how about you come over to my house for a few days? you can shower at my house and ill make you food and ill get you a drink at canes, i know you like their lemonade." she says and rubs your thigh.

you nod in response, you stand up for the first time in a while with the intentions to actually go out. "are you hot?" she asks you, you have on a sweatshirt and pajama pants, obviously you were sweating like a mother fucker, but you had to hide your scars.

billie knew that you struggled with this before, but she didn't know that you started again, so you had to lie and say "no im not, im cold actually"

"okay baby, do you want me to turn the heat on in the car?" she asks you

great you think, eventually your gonna have to tell her.

"noo its fine baby" you say to her quietly and she nods at you, taking you to her car.

--------------------------------------------------------

did this eat yall

[kisstuals]

if blue could be happiness

PAIRING. na jaemin x female!reader WORD COUNT. 2.4k CONTAINS. angst, romance, actor!au WARNINGS. implied smut, just the reader being sad and in her head a lot, pretty reflective and retrospective, not much plot more emotions and vibes PLAYLIST. if blue could be happiness - florist | never goodbye - nct dream | liability - lorde NOTE. turns out i love complex female characters and depressing stories and men who fall harder… who is sensing a theme in my works? also im kinda back hahahaha hope everyone has been well xx. i’d say i’ll be more active now but i have a bad track record. that being said, please do give this some love and interact and let me know ur thoughts bc that will motivate me to be more active and post more things!!! would love to chat with you all <3

All you have ever known is being alone, so you can’t help but pull away when Jaemin comes into your life. Too bad he’s here to stay.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE TRAVELING, there is a wave of relief that hits you when the plane finally makes its descent in New York City. The tall buildings shimmer against the twilight sky, and even from so far away, you can sense the hustle and bustle of the always-busy city. You can imagine people getting off work after staying late, going into bars for happy hour. They laugh and giggle with their friends with a drink in their hands. New York City is always alive, and that’s why you love being there, as the fervor and excitement almost allows you to forget about how empty you feel all the time.

Despite that, there is a blue stillness around. A cloud of comfort, broken by a brief anticipation.

Your fingers curl around your seatbelt, waiting for the indication that you could finally take it off and leave the plane. It had been a month since you were last home, as you had been in Paris for the shoot of your upcoming movie. There is no doubt that your time there had been lovely, for you participated in every cliche there was for a Parisian tourist… eating too many croissants every day, visiting the Eiffel Tower, getting lost in the Louvre. The actual work you had gone to Paris for also concluded smoothly, but film shoots were never a problem for someone like you who actually enjoys their job.

None of that mattered though. You were aching to finally be home. It’s difficult to ignore your heart that is practically beating out of your chest, but that may be for reasons other than simply arriving back in your favorite city.

Reasons that are called Na Jaemin.

You wonder if he thought about you nearly as much as you did over the past month. And why would you, consider that you were the one who pushed him away. But you keep on wondering this as you leave the plane. He plagues your mind at the baggage claim, when you get into the car waiting for you, and the entire ride home. The buzz of your phone on the leather seat next to you is the only thing that pulls you out of your daze, eyes blindly following whatever buildings you could see in the distance. It was getting late, but New York never slept.

It buzzes again, and you finally blink before reaching for your phone. It’s a text from your sister, who had been house-sitting for you (or, more of an excuse to hang out in the city).

sister: he just showed up.

Your eyebrows furrow. The texts keep coming in

sister: (name). sister: JAEMIN IS HERE sister: when are you getting back?

Movements growing frantic, you quickly look outside for a landmark, realizing you were still pretty far from your apartment. And with the city traffic, it would at least be another hour.

you: WDYM HE’S HERE? you: i won’t be home for a while you: tell him to go wait in my room

She sends you a thumbs up and you sigh, leaning back into your seat to close your eyes in hopes of getting some rest. Your efforts prove to be futile, of course, because he’s all you can think about.

The first time you met him, you were drunk out of your mind. It was Ryujin’s party for actors to gather and mingle if you remembered correctly, but truthfully your memories of that night were pretty foggy. Everyone was dressed nicely and there was expensive liquor lining the countertops, but you ungracefully stumbled into Jaemin, a new and rising actor whose name was everywhere on the tabloids, in a corner somewhere. See, you were normally always on your best behavior, with perfectly styled hair, manicured nails, and hands folded politely. You never tripped over your own feet. You never spoke out of turn. You never did what you weren’t supposed to do, which was a long list considering you were an A-list actress with an image pristine like glass. People looked up to you.

So you had really no explanation for how Jaemin’s hands ended up around your waist, his lips chasing your own. Your body was hot against his, aching for his touch, and when you finally gave in, there was no stopping either of you. His lips moved ferociously against yours, lighting your skin on fire wherever they touched you.

It was no surprise you ended up in his bed later that night, but it was equally less of a surprise that you left the next morning before he could even wake up.

Yet, that was only the beginning. You seemed to run into him everywhere. At parties of mutual friends, you didn’t even realize you shared. At dress fittings, because the stylist for your next movie also happened to be his personal stylist. At the new coffee shop you decided to try out, and then realized was his favorite.

Suddenly, you couldn’t run away anymore. He was going to be in your life, whether you willed for it or not, so you entertained it for a brief minute. So you kissed him at parties and showed up at dress fittings with your hand in his. Every Sunday, you went to his favorite coffee shop together. You went to sleep in his bed and woke up in his arms. His name was linked to yours, and everyone talked about it, but you didn’t care. You had relinquished all control of your life.  

It was great, until it wasn’t. Until he got too close, and you went too far.

That night, there was a downpour in New York City and you retreated back into the comforts of your home. Of the perfect, orderly life you built for yourself.

And the next morning, you left for Paris.

There is a tremble in your fingers as you enter the code to your apartment. Why was he here? You pushed him away, and then he was meant to stay away. People don’t usually try so hard to remain in your life. Probably because of how distant you keep your heart from them. Or maybe that’s why you began doing it in the first place. It’s been so long, you cannot even remember what came first.

Your sister greets you with a worried smile as you enter. She takes your coat from you and you take a moment to set down your belongings, including the large suitcase you had been hauling behind you. The longer you take to go into your room, the longer you have to prepare for whatever is about to happen.

“(Name). He’s been waiting.” Your sister says, looking pointedly at your room door. You’ve dug your toes so far into black boots that you are afraid they may appear at the other end. There is a fleeting touch of comfort on your shoulder before she walks away. With a sigh, you take off your shoes and arrange them neatly on the shoe rack.

In an apartment as big as yours, the walk to your room is shorter than you remember, but you know you cannot delay this any further. Jaemin is definitely aware of your presence, no matter how softly your clothed feet hit the wooden floor of your apartment, so you finally open the door.  

Your heart stills when you see him. He’s sitting at the foot of your bed, wearing a fluffy brown jacket and a hat to match. It’s pretty obvious how he looks out of place against your cold, blue walls.

“Hi.” His smile is cautious like you might run away upon seeing him. His worries are not entirely absurd though, as you do consider backing away. But his eyes are warm, and you remember how much you are aching for his touch. You can’t help but take another step towards him.

“Hi.” Your voice cracks and he notices, but you both choose to ignore it.

“How was Paris?”

“It was good.” The temperature of your room must be near freezing, but somehow your words are colder. Jaemin winces, subtle yet noticeable, and stands up, rubbing his hands on his jeans. You pray that he doesn’t move any closer to you, as then you might actually run away, and somehow, he listens.

The heart is a silly little thing, because you find yourself disappointed at the distance between Jaemin and you, even though this ruin was your doing.

“(Name)...” You’re not sure what he’s going to say, but the deep breath he takes before speaking lets you know that you are not ready to hear it. Not yet.

“Sorry for making you wait. Got stuck in traffic.” You begin moving around the room to straighten up a few things that suddenly looked out of order, even though no one had entered your room while you were gone.

“Oh, uh, it’s okay.” His gaze follows your every move. “I hope your sister wasn’t uncomfortable with me just showing up.”

“No, not uncomfortable. Just surprised that you’re here.” Arranging your lipsticks from the darkest red to the lightest nude seemed like the perfect task at this moment, so you stand in the corner of your room farthest from Jaemin, hovering over your vanity.

He sighs. “Me too.”

This makes you glance back at him, eyebrows raised. “You are… also surprised that you’re here?”

“Yeah, considering how you just left me, why would I want to be here?” Jaemin is always honest, and you appreciate him for that, but you can’t ignore the guilt that pools in your stomach as you finally meet his eyes.

Your lips purse, and if you’re feeling anything, you don’t let it show. “Why are you here, then?”

This is the question that ultimately pushes him over the edge. Jaemin’s expression darkens as he finally closes the distance between you two, stopping just close enough so you could feel his breath against yours.

“You’re seriously asking me this? After everything?” He asks incredulously, his eyes searching for answers in your own

“I told you it was over.”

“Okay, but why?” You don’t answer, but you also don’t step away. “What are you afraid of?” Your lip quivers.

“Stop,” you whisper, as you feel your resolve starting to break. Jaemin takes a step back but keeps going.

“That I’ll break your heart? That I’ll leave you and go away?” He lets out an empty, pained laugh. “Well, isn’t that what you’ve done?”

“Jaemin, I–” You begin to speak, but now it’s his turn to cut you off.

“But despite all that, I still love you.” Your eyes widen, and an unknown, indescribable feeling overtakes your entire being. A single tear escapes you, of guilt, and fear, of love and longing.

The room is silent for a minute, and then another.

You are unsure of what the proper response to his confession should be, but whatever it is, you have messed it up already by waiting so long. You owe him an answer, because of everything you’ve put him through. Because you walked into his life, and then walked out, doing it first as you were afraid he would soon enough. But above all, because you loved him too, despite everything you had tried to convince yourself of.

“I’m sorry.” You aren’t sure how to put all your thoughts in words, so you decide to apologize first, instead. And even though it may be a deflection, you hope he realizes that it’s sincere.

But there’s disbelief in his eyes, and you hate that he doubts you, even though you’ve given him every reason to. “That’s it?”

“You’re right. I left because I wanted to do it before you could.” You continue, providing him with the honesty he deserved from day one. “I was so sure you would, because people always leave anyway, you know? They come into my life, I get used to them, then they leave, and I have to get used to life without them. There’s only so many times you can do that before you simply cannot anymore.”

Jaemin’s expression is unreadable as he considers what you said. “So, the solution was to push me away, even though I told you I wasn’t going anywhere that night?” Now his tone is neutral, and you are unable to figure out if he is mad, upset, or disappointed by your explanation.

“Do you know how many times I’ve been told that?”

You had always known that the film world was a lonely one. Your dad was a producer and your mom was an actress. They fell in love when they were twenty and fell out of love when they were twenty-five, with affairs and scandals galore. That left you and your sister, mere toddlers, stuck in the middle, as they threatened to leave each other. Eventually, they just left you. Despite all that, you chose to go down the same path, as the film world was the only world you knew. And then you went through it all over it again, as friends, boyfriends, managers, and mentors all came into your life, only to leave again. The only person who had stuck around was your sister, but because she had to.

Jaemin was the first person who ever wanted to be in your life, by choice.

“I should’ve been more clear then. If I had told you I loved you that night, would you have stayed?” He asks, his voice breaking.

“I don’t think anything would’ve stopped me that night,” you say quietly, remembering how quickly you booked a flight to Paris, and leaving one week earlier than you were originally supposed to for your shoot.

“And how about now?”

You look into Jaemin’s eyes and see only a love for yourself, despite everything, just as he said. And in that moment, the heaviness that you had been carrying around in your heart for as long as you can remember finally settles.

“I want to stay.” You admit.

“So what’s stopping you?”

The question that has plagued you forever now rises to your lips, in a bout of vulnerability you never saw for yourself. “Please don’t leave me.”

At that, Jaemin is immediately reaching for you, the touch that you had yearned for finally engulfing you. He gently cups your face, pressing his forehead against yours. “I’m here, aren’t I? And, I always will be. I won’t give up on us.” You nod, and return his touch, tugging on the collar of his jacket to pull him closer. “And if you leave, I’ll come after you, again and again, like I did today. I just needed to know that you want this as much as I do.”

“I love you.”

And then you kiss him like you never have before, like blue water in the forests of love. Because if blue could be happiness, that is all you ever want.

© kisstuals, 2023

[moxielynx]

@whatudottu hihihihiiiii so ur ramblings about tetrax has me wanting to talk about tetrax cause i will take any opportunity to talk about him

d-23 tetrax is cool even if he didnt speak much in the episode, honestly d-23 ben deserved to be smacked around a little (/J /J that kid is like 13 😭), the twist that they were actually the good guys this whole time was great, especially since sixsix was also working with azmuth, which was a nice perspective

i like to imagine that d-23 tetrax is actually a total sweetheart and didnt actually like fighting ben since ben is just a dumb kid who doesnt know any better (even if he is a stubborn brat)

im pretty certain that petropia in the reboot is perfectly fine because for a while Vilgax wasnt. Vilgax, so he couldn't have hired Tetrax to steal whatever that crystal was from petropia then destroy it, so reboot tetrax is just what happens as a result of Tetrax not facing the consequences of his actions so now he's a MEANIE!!! but the dad instinct is still there judging from the way he interacts with Ben in "Mutiny for the Bounty"

as much as i prefer classic tetrax i really like that they went with a completely different approach with reboot tetrax, and like it makes sense too considering theres no way petropia would be destroyed in the reboot as well if vilgax couldnt do it (if petropia were to also get destroyed in the reboot then that would be so funny cause that basically means the planet is fucked no matter what 💀💀), its really cool to see that this might be what tetrax was like before working for vilgax and makes me really think about how different each version of tetrax is, and only makes me even more depressed that we never got prime tetrax in Omniverse, especially since there could've been so many moments where tetrax could've showed up

classic tetrax obviously isnt as cruel and uncaring as we see in the reboot or as he said when he was telling ben about his backstory because if he really didn't care as much but was like "okay this is fucked up i need to get my act together" then he wouldn't have looked so distraught watching his planet fall

i refuse to acknowledge the change in reaction in uaf tho cause it fucking SUCKED they cant just turn him into this stoic fucking guy after he literally shows up and shakes ben like a rattle, that and also they obviously didnt gaf about his backstory cause in the og backstory you can tell petropia's destruction was YEARS, probably decades ago cause he had those back spikes and even a different outfit but in the uaf version its just the same exact model THEY DONT CARE ABOUT TETRAX LIKE I DO!!!!!!

uaf tetrax made me so sad because i was already insane about the idea of dadtrax because of Secret of the Omnitrix, but when tetrax first showed up in uaf he picked up ben and for some reason my first thought was "omg is he going in for a hug" only to have that ripped away from me when he just straight up starts shaking ben around like a ragdoll 😭like imagine you dont see a guy for like 6 years, last time you saw him he helped you save the world/galaxy, and the first thing he does is fucking shatter you for no reason (or at least appears to be no reason), and all you get from it is a "sorry but i had no time to explain", like thats crazy, the REAL tetrax would never harm ben that is his SON !!!!!!!! and then after the single episode we had of tetrax and even petropia we just. never see him or the planet ever again. like we could've had so much world building for petropia and they decided to just throw it out like it was nothing

tetrax is genuinely such a cool character and its horrible how underutilized he is in every show, like yeah he was in 2 (technically 3 counting the reboot) movies but that doesnt really make up for how little we really saw him, especially since like i mentioned earlier prime tetrax wasnt even in OV which is probably the biggest missed opportunity in history, and the strangest part about it is that we got plenty of episodes exploring different planets and even a whole other system (galactic monsters special) so it was literally the perfect opportunity to write an episode about petropia and how its holding up

also never apologize 2 me about rambles, especially rambles about tetrax, i fucking LOVE reading people's silly little thoughts on things they like :3

[manwiththemagic]

spn s1 ep4 "Phantom Traveler"

more notes on my rewatch!!

OMG this is the demon episode isn't it? IT IS ISN'T IT? IS IT???

ew an airport. Post 2001 too damn ☹️

"you know what are the odds of dying in a plane crash? 20-1?" BRO. not helping the puking man..

BLACK SMOKE!!

In through the eyes? That got retconned.

WHY WAS SHE NOT MORE FREAKED OUT HE HAD BLACK EYES. chick you are the reason everyone's dead.

HOW DID HE JUST OPEN THAT?? demon strength???

Rip plane

Wait does this mean demons could have done 9/11? wowza...

Early bird Sam!! “good morning sunshine!"

“you get some sleep?” “yeah.” “liar. Cause I was up at 3 and you were watching infomercials” LMAOOOO but also d'awhhhh :((( the nightmares!!

“it's not just her.. It's everything.” THE VISIONS FUCK YES. YES. YESYSYSHSHG

I love the visions plot lines!!

“your never afraid?” “no man, never.” *Sam pull out a knife from under deans pillow.* LMAOOO CLOCK HIS ASS!!

“Thats not fear.” uhhuh...

WAIT THIS IS THE DEANS SCARED OF FLYING EPISODE LMAOOOOO

reminds me of hunter corp Dean who legit has a private jet..

Random guy calls Dean about the plane issue whaaaa

WAIT THIS GUY KNOWS JOHN. HE HAS INFO.

oh gosh. “yeah he was real proud of ya! Talked about you all the time.” “...he did..?” FUCK.

I still I hate john. I HATE EM. always will 😋

“welp we're missing the old man, we get Sam! Even trade” “aha. No. not by a long shot.” THATS RIGHT. CAUSE UR BETTER MF. uhm anyways.. I like this old guy, hope he doesn't end up SAD AND DEPRESSED LIKE ALL THE OTHER OLD GUYS IN THE OAST 3 EPISODES.

Monster porn live on tape? LMAO JKJK!! demon gotta stop moaning tho.

They definitely aren't showing the crash because they don't have the budget, not because it's locked in a warehouse and you don't have clearance..

Wtf is Evp?

LMAO THE FAKE ASS “nOoOooo survIvoRsSss” they did NOT get that mf off the tape.

Dude sees shit, and is now in a ward. Common. Common.

DEAN STOP HARASSING MENTALLY ILL MAN.

sams puppy dog eyes back at it.

Black eyes 😋 OOOGA!!

okay wait why tf is this demon doing this. They don't just “do evil”...

This guy isn't a monster bro..

Wait are they actually going to the wreckage?

SUITS!!!

“you look like a seventh grader at his first dance! ☺️” SAM PLS.

OMG wait they had the budget holy shit

LMAO HELP ME HELP ME “what is that?” “its an E.M.F. reader.” “no I know what an E.M.F. is. Why does it look like a busted up walkman?” “cause that's what I made it out of! ☺️ It's homemade!!” “yea.. I can tell😒” SAM WOAH DON'T KILL EM!! LMAOSKSK

Sulfur on handle!!!

Oh shit actual homeland security is there..

LMAO THESE MFS GET CAUGHT EVERY EPISODE.

Run bitch runnnn!!

This poor pilot.. it wasn't your fault :(((

Oh shit he possessed.

Sulfur!!

Babies first demon.

NO BC WHY IS DEMON BRO DOING THIS.

Everytime.. 40 minutes in.. WTF

and another crash.. fun..

BUT WHY. JUST CAUSE??

“this isn't our normal gig..” how WRONG you are pal..

“this is big.” it's really not.. you fight GOD. by s2 demons are nothing to you. By s4 Sam's fucking one. By s6 Sam's been tortured for 100's of year by an ex-archangel who's basically his ex 🤷. By s13 your son is part ARCHANGEL. sooo...

Rip chuck Lambert— SORRY CHUCK? mbmb..

Nazareth?? Wtf is this demon on?

40 minutes? Wtf biblical numbers..?

Okay they got the flight attendant on the phone.

WHY PLAY ALONG LIKE IT WAS A PRANK. DUDE.

and she hung up.. girl your COOKED!!

Deans plane fear!! LMAOOO.

“your joking right..?" “DO I LOOK LIKE IM JOKING?? Why do you think I drive everywhere SAM??” LMAOSOSO

LMAOO DEAN WAS BORN TO BE A TEEN GIRL. “really..? Ugh... Man..” while rocking back in forth. He's so REAL LMAOSOS

Dean looks like he has PTSD LMAOOO

“your humming Metallica??” “it calm me down.!” LMAOOOO

“Hey! Say it in Latin!” “i know.” “Hey! In latin it's 'cristo'” “i know!!” LMAO I LOVE THEM.

“cristo.” “sorry I didn't..?” “cristo.” “??” “nevermind.”

Sam is honestly way kinder than me. I'd be making FUN of Dean but nah he's just like "no it's OKAYYYY just some turbulence dwdw.."

Dean you are so awkward.. it's def mr smiley

They found em!! It wasn't mr smiley damn..

Awh shucks.

BEAT THAT BITCH UP!! HE TALKED ABOUT JESS.

PLANE DOWN. PLANE DOWN.

DID LIGHTNING JUST STRIKE THEM???

okay all good now.

Nono demons killed jess. It wasn't wrong.

John redirecting calls to dean.. mf come ONNNNNNNN

Sam's peeved, rightfully so omg..

Kinda meh for an important episode.

[estrophore]

Signalis Post (barely coherent thought vomit)

So I finished signalis on Monday and i think ive just about recovered enough for me to make a gush post about it on tumblr dot com, which i think i have to do cause i dont think any other game has really hit me as hard as this one. Spoilers obvs.

Being pre-transion, with that associated depression and closing off from oneself, ive always found it difficult to get out my feelings, even in private with just myself, and yet signalis has filled me throughout with its beautiful romantic melancholy and left me genuinely sobbing for the gay robot and her space girlfriend (almost worried that if id played this game on estrogen it might actually have just killed me on the spot). the only other times i can think of where i really cried were playing We Know The Devil near the beginning of the year, which really fkin hit the part of me that struggles to accept myself, and that time i rewatched the last episode of she-ra after reading the ‘Word War Etheria’ fanfic, which brings the characters so much more to life i fell for them all over again.

Signalis is a game that calls back to a lot of classic horror like resident evil and silent hill, which i havent got round to playing any of yet, but i think nostalgia works both ways sometimes and i’ll be playing them sooner now. sometimes horror gets stereotyped as all death and violence, some games fill themselves with skulls and corpses, and big ugly monsters and basically shout ‘DEATH!’ in your face repeatedly and it all just comes off as a bit garish and ridiculous and not actually very scary really. Signalis sits at the other end of that scale (with some of my other fav horror games like soma, cry of fear) where its environs are most usually just… quiet. Still. Muffled. Sad. just as often as theres tension or creeping fear because of this i find theres a strange kind of comfort too. Maybe its just that in most other genres of games theres so much of music, UI elements, pickups and interactibles with vibrant design. Here, theres room for your mind to just occupy the space. A soft fog. A dimly lit room. An empty train. Snow out a window. Liminal spaces that dont expect anything from you.

Signalis is a game thats just simply, unapologetically gay, and i dont think i would have been quite so invested in Elster and Ariane’s relationship if they were a straight couple. Its why representation is important, if art’s way for us to explore our emotions then its important to have media that we can relate to. Even Adler’s role isnt typically masculine. Our replika characters are manufactured, designed for certain roles in the base. Notes from the tough Stars and Storchs in the shooting range, the dollish Eules with the fairy lights and music player in the dorm. I couldnt help but think of groups of Eules sat around chatting, together, and im yearning for that feeling of togetherness, of understanding a friend that closely. I somehow missed the couple in the mineshaft (next playthough, ill find you v_v ). Despite the harshness of life in the Eusan nation (especially for the gestalts) the characters in it are defined by their feelings of belonging and hope. With the obvious parallels to east germany, i think of posters of cosmonauts and space travel from the time. Propaganda, sure but also made with the genuine belief in something greater. When the events of the game take this away, well, we find the last Kolibri, whod rather lose herself than lose her [ah. Im not sure theres a word here to properly describe the relationship they embody]. Its a game defined by loneliness.

We dont lie up at night scared by some corrupted android. We arent stuck with horror at the flesh everywhere, not on its own. We lie awake thinking about Elster and Ariane’s love for each other, the horror of their decline, the futility of trying to hold on forever. Its existential horror done perfectly. It shows an ending postponed and stretched far beyond its limits, and so squarely reminds you that you do, in fact, have to die one day. You’ll break down. One day you’ll say your last words to the people you love and you wont even know you have. Ariane’s final few diaries arrive with the full force of the narrative behind it, like a spear through my heart. For the record, I got the promise ending. Im still sad. It's a game about raging desperately against an unfair ending. I might think about this game for the rest of my life. I would sincerely say its an artistic masterpiece, by the sure definition of video games as art.

I like that the story leaves a lot open and abstract. I think it makes the emotional themes takes centre stage more. And i havent had nearly enough time to sift through it and come up with my own takes, we’ll need a few more playthroughs for that. And theres so much more to say that cant go in just these few paragraphs! Signalis is a game about two girls who had to run away from everything to find someone they belonged with. The universe may be cold and bleak, but you have to try, you might just find something beautiful, even if it doesnt last forever. I think if anything, we should all have the chance to find love and happiness like that, and we shouldnt have abandon a world that doesnt work for us to do it.

[stewpid-soup]

VENT CW!! STAY SAFE!!

anyone else find it exhausting to just enjoy things?

I don’t want to support people or companies that are actively doing things that are bad (racism, homophobia, defending SA, etc etc). but it’s so mentally draining to look through all of this terrible shit and not be able to enjoy things bc of their creators or ppl associated with it

i mean, i don’t support dream. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. I don’t support dream or the dteam as a whole - but the dsmp was such a big comfort to me through quarantine, and even now i still love the storyline and the characters.

HP, well that’s self explanatory. JKR is just a shit person and i’m not gonna give her my money bc i enjoy the plot of HP. I just take fanon on its own for the most part. I own the books and the films already (my family loves HP and has for a long time, since before JKR was outed as a transphobe) so i don’t need to buy anything from her. HP was a huge part of my childhood and the thought of not interacting with any content related to it makes me so sad, because i still love it even now.

and as controversial as it may be, i’ve enjoyed hazbin and helluva boss for years now. it was another comfort during quarantine, and i watched it with friends and got to bond over it. i do not like vivziepop or support her, and it’s exhausting to see all this back and forth about her online bc it’s so confusing. I love these shows and it makes me so happy that I get to see hazbin come together after waiting so long, and the same goes for helluva boss. of course there can be improvements to the way vivziepop writes some characters, but i still love these shows so much. it hurts my heart to feel like i can’t enjoy the content because the creator is such a bad person.

and then the number of musicians i’ve had to stop listening to because they turned out to be shitty people. or actors i avoided watching content of because they’re bad people (especially when the list of ppl who support Israel came out- of course im not supporting anyone on there, but some of the ppl on there just rlly hurt my heart because ive enjoyed their content for so long)

i know there’s not really any way to avoid this, as people are complex and can be an asshole w/o you knowing. funding people like this isn’t something i want or care to do, so of course i actively avoid it. but I just don’t know what to do when it comes to this.

a friend told me that it’s sort’ve about picking and choosing things, because you never know what people are really like. they said that with the state of the world, it’s important to stay educated but don’t let shitty people get in the way of things you enjoy. i’m just at the point where i feel like i can’t enjoy anything because anytime i get stuck in a rabbit hole of content, i see people going back and forth about who should be cancelled and who actually isn’t a bad person. cancel culture is one of the worst things about the internet, and it just makes interacting with fandoms even more toxic than it already is.

ig this is just a rant talking about comforts i have that i feel like i can’t enjoy anymore because of cancel culture and just like..people being people? i’m just so tired of finding something i enjoy and then learning out that they are or possibly could be doing/supporting something bad and just— it makes me feel so guilty because i don’t want to indirectly/directly hurt anyone. i know what i believe in and what i do and don’t support, at least for the most part (still learning everyday atp), but it doesn’t make it any easier to part with things i hold so dearly in my heart.

does anyone else feel similarly? if so, what have you found that helps or at least is a comfortable middle ground?

idk bro, my life is so exhausting with everything i deal with in real life- so to feel like i can’t even find comfort in my silly little shows anymore is really depressing. my mental health is not doing well lmfaooo

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Was feeling too hurt over my garden to relax so i asked the angels to tell me a story showing how i can feel better -

this is my interpretation

4 , 3 & 2 of swords pulled in that order was wild to me .. moving backwards like maybe i have to allow myself to fall back into a bit of a depressed state, even if it feels like regressing, its actually not, because i have to allow myself feel the emotions in order to flush them out, have my cries, but i cant rly do that unless im alone & able to let my body be heavy.

then two of swords says Ok you need to stop being avoidant now, (avoidant of the garden itself)(i didnt want to go outside today)(i dont want to tomorrow either), but eventually you must make the choice to stop letting the bad thoughts *blind* your own vision -

you must make the choice to move into the 8 of cups & walk away from the big disappointment, go forward & leave that sadness behind.

(i know 8 of cups can also represent that you're repressing your emotions using avoidance, but in the context of what i asked, i feel its showing me to let go, head towards being joyful instead of letting the pain discourage me from working as hard on the garden.) let go & Walk straight IN to the death card:

Embrace the change... I love the death card it is number 13 i love everything it represents, so i felt deeply comforted to pull it here, i actually had a strong feeling i would pull 3 of swords, death and temperance lol. death is acceptance of endings, transformation..ultimately im sure this experience will transform me in the direction of temperance,which is always the goal, isnt it. The ability to maintain true composure thru stressful times.

When things like this happen i generally assume it is to strengthen my acceptance muscles. Soo this reading does confirm for me what i already felt. just a matter of time i suppose. it helps to see it laid out like this tho. i feel less sadness in my stomach now that ive been shown this & contemplated it thru writing.

if any1 else is awake and read this and feels theres more interpretation to be added, please comment ! i just wanted to give a brief rundown of my thoughts on it. the sequence it shows rly resonates...thankyou angels and guides 🙏

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[abaharashi]

I was 27 when i first discovered Night in the Woods. I was piqued by its art style and charm. I had been needing something to jist BE with. I didnt newd achievements, i didnt need scores or mechanics. I didnt need difficulty or grandiose stories that stretch across the stars and peirce hearts unseen.

I needed a game i could sit with. Take my time and just relax, and enjoy.

Gregg was a favorite early on. Its easy to see why. Everyone should have a Gregg in their life. But i quickly grew attached to Bea. I was drawn to why she waa so...snide with Mae. And given their supposed history i felt so inclined to learn more aboit Bea. And try to reform what friendship was there before things when caput.

Im not going to talk about the rest of those adventures or stories. What i want to talk about is how i am now 3 years into my transition, and playing this game through for the 3rd time now...and its so fucking cathartic in a way.

I related to Mae alot, given how i felt when i was 20. I dont have derealisation but i do get anxiety and depression. Its been notoriously bad recently.

And in a world entering the year 2024 on calander, with so much going on all the time, everywhere. I know i can go back to Possum Springs. And just try to emjoy life and get through another day.

Its not real, but i cant get out much. Adulting will do that to you. Capitalism has made it difficult regardless of age. And those trips with Gregg to the park and having a mini knife fight. Or going to the mall with Bea and shoplifting because "cool kids stickin it to the man" or finding out why Angus doesnt talk with his family much these days.

It brings me back to a time when things did seem uncertain. When i was scared and anxious. But when i also had this bravado to see another day and put 1 foot infront of the other. Because Life.

Those days are so difficult now. You go to work and then feel like super heated glass being doused in water. And you cant stay at work. You cant. Youre akin to a mannequin at that point. You have to go home because youll end up hurting yourself somehow, intentionally or otherwise.

And this great sadness overtakes you and its joined with mania and you just...dont know how youll get through the day. Or if you even want to wake up the next day.

~~~~~~~~~

I've been listening to the NitW OST for the past.... 2-3 days now. And all the tunes are so...simple in their construction and melodies. But they hold this special place in my heart. Maes House especially. It reminds me that my house and family are not like Maes. And i wish they were. Atleast in how the game portrays them presently. I cant even go upstairs to get food unless i cover up now or dress in modest fashion because transition had made people uncomfortable around me expressibg my body in ways i nevwr could before. Not in sexual fashion but showing a bit more skin and wearing tighter clothes and such. And its an insidious uncomfortable they demonstrate. They dobt say it vocally most times to try and be respectful i guess. But i can feel those thoughts burring into me and the....velcro fuzzy distortion that builds between us.

I cant be myself and they don't want me to, because it makes them uncomfortable.

So ive been going back to Possum Springs. And talking with Gregg and reading his enthusiasm helps alot. "I have a friend whos super supportive and would punch someone out for me"

"But hes not real"

I need him to be. Ok? I need Gregg to be real. I need Possum Springs to be real. I need that feeling to be real for me again. A world where im not so...beaten by life and wanting to hope for a better day bit having to fight tooth and nail for every good day i have. Where i dont have to worry about the financial burden of debts, or the worry that this procedure will set me back an additional 20k.

I just want to feel that youthful joy and energy again.

[winderlylandchime]

And we are officially at 3x12: ‘come on Brian, don’t act like you don’t care about the backroom being closed. You said it yourself: you love public fucking’ ‘Damn, maybe Michael is actually gonna be cool if Hunter sticks around. I can’t believe they are actually keeping him like a stray cat. *looks at me all fake seriously* this is a good time to tell you, mom and dad also found you outside like that.’ ‘Im gonna need them to leave Emmett alone! Everyone leave him the fuck alone! I feel so bad for him- mel can you stop acting like Emmett is on a trial?’ HUNTER IS ABOUT TO MEET BRIAN!!!! ‘HE DOES EXIST BITCH! BRIAN FUCKING KINNEY! What did I say?! Everyone has a crush on Brian! Okay, i like Hunter now.’ ‘TED YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I feel so horrible for you but i am willing to put my feelings aside to rip your head off! Emmett deserves happiness not this shit’ ‘damn Ben can’t catch a break. His man AND his stray kid both being obsessed with Brian. No wonder he’s boring. SHIT HE KNOWS THE DEAD KID! OF COURSE A FUCKING COP DID IT. Why am i acting surprised? Carl, i had some faith in you, please dont fuck this up fully’ and now the infamous Deb at Brians party scene ‘DEBBIE IS BACK AT BRIANS! COME ON BEST FRIENDS! *pauses tv and looks at me* is this what I look like to you when I’m watching this show? Wait. Is this what i looked like when i asked (our uncles name) how gay sex works? Oh my god, I am Debbie at a gay orgy! Wait, is she expecting Brian to save the day with this cop killer thing? So the theme of the show is: blame Brian, use him for help and money and be mean to brian, got it’ ‘he told Justin about the dead kid picking up a cop? Yeah Brian is officially caring about it because no way is he gonna ignore just- oh Teddy, this is heartbreaking. Emmett baby, you’re above this. I get it but fucking hell you deserve better. Who the fuck does Mel think she is to just call Emmett that?! OH SHIT EMMETT CALLED HER A CUNT! GOOD FOR HIM! Thank you emmett. I know it’s bad to be happy about this but she is very rude sometimes. Im still angry for how she treated Brian about that life insurance or whatever.’ BRIAN AND HUNTER SCENE IS UP!!! ‘Hunter go hom- peanut car! BRIAN! Now this duo is something i can fuck with. So hunter and Brian. Or Jen and Brian. Or Daphne and Brian..so basically everyone except Mike.’ And the bar scene is up ‘this is the most depressing bar ever no wonder its a cop bar- are they trying to find the cop- HEY HE HAS A BOYFRIEND! SO HANDS OFF!(hunter offers to pay Brian) everyone is willing to pay him. Hunter. Justin. At this point, give me 4 more days and I’ll pay him too. BRIAN BE CAREFUL WITH THE COP, why are you asking so many questions? Who do you think you are? Oprah? He has no business looking this pretty while horribly interrogating a murderer.‘ And now the sad Ted and Emmett scene is up ‘NO TED! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON WITH HIM? EMMETT GET OUT. LEAVE. DONT LET HIM DRAG YOU DOWN TOO. EMMETT HE NOT ONLY WANTS TO DO DRUGS HES ALSO TELLING YOU HE CHEATED! Emmett nooooooooo’ and the best part of the ep is up: Britin hustler scene!!! ‘Oh damn Blondie, look at you looking fine as fuck! Absolutely no dying young will be happening on my watch Brian! *waves his hand towards Justin* yeah, whatever he just said. Too big words for me right now. Do they have matching jackets or is he wearing Brians clothes? Brian really cant escape teenagers who have a crush on him. *said at the same time as justin* EXCUSE ME? He’s the boyfriend! See hunter, the reason Brian laughed is because Justin has owned his ass for the past 3 years! Blondie…you’re 19. And you were a stalker stealing credit cards at 17. That is considered an annoying teen’ ‘NOO HUNTER DON’T GO WITH HIM! FUCKING HELL THIS SHIT BETTER NOT GET HIM KILLED. I actually got attached to the little fucker’ And to end this on a good note, he went out to call his friend to tell him about the episodes and a cat scared the shit out of him and now he’s afraid to leave the house. At 36. I have a 5 year old child that I’m babysitting, who has a crush on Gale.

I’m snorting about him telling you your parents found you like that. That’s some peak sibling behavior.

He likes Hunter because of his crush on Brian? So relatable. I’m so excited he’s at this part.

So the theme of the show is: blame Brian, use him for help and money, and be mean to Brian. What’s that meme that’s like “you did it, you broke qaf down to its bare essentials? That’s this.

Emmett is so lovely during this arc, and so relatable. I agree with your brother about everything.

Do they have matching jackets or is he wearing Brian’s clothes? I die! Brian really can’t escape teenagers who have a crush on him. YUP. I love Justin’s complaining about teenagers. That is such an iconic and hilarious scene.

You are doing such a good job babysitting. And he does have a crush on Gale. He’s going to find out that Gale is straight and wow, I want to know his reaction.

Thank you for these summaries! I love them!

[stxrmylxve]

a good life lesson you might need to hear.

it’s not too terribly bad ig, just my childhood in a nutshell and what i’ve learned lol

As a child growing up, i hated to look in the mirror. it wasnt because i didn’t like myself, hated myself, etc, it was that i looked at myself and saw my parents in me. however, i didn’t hate my parents. we were quite a happy family and i must admit, dispite a lot of discipline, i was spoiled af.

My parents wanted me to walk a tight line. they oftentimes viewed others as dumb and believed i could be much better. i would brag to them about my grades and i would get a good job, but good grades were expected of me. it blew my ego off and i turned.. sad in a way. it still pains me to look back at how i used to be, even still recently in the past year i could say i was this way.

i remember going into middle school; phones were pretty vague in my house, but i would still talk to my friend ever once in a while. she was at school and i was out for the whole year of 6th grade and it severed our bond a good bit. i was her only friend through elementary, but being alone in middle school made her migrate to new friends, bad friends. she would always talk about how she was so excited to see me when i got back, and when i did, she didn’t even bat an eye at me. she stayed with her friends and left me alone to find my way through school myself. she promised to help me, give me tips, help me meet new friends and who to stay away from, and she didnt, she abandoned me.

I guess what i’m trying to say is that relationships dont last. it might sound as what the current generation would call ‘cringe’ or ‘depressing’, but we all know it’s true in its own way to each of us.

Once i realized this, i began relying on myself and myself only. i kept things from others, not because they were necessarily bad, but because i was scared. scared to open up. scared to be myself. I shouldn’t have been, but i was. i shaped myself into someone else to have friends and to please them.

when i joined online in the recent years, it was certainly interesting to learn about. i learned that it is actually okay to be yourself. if someone doesn’t like it, they can be blocked or can block you, or maybe even people will stick up for you. you can be your own self online, and i think that is so cool.

I guess after all of this rambling, it’s a long way to say thank you for the 53 followers i have right now. it’s not a heafty number like many others have, but i do hope to continue to grow as i show others that its okay to have weird thoughts, to share them, to have kinks others dont have, or have that one cool skill no one knows about except your pets. i hope i have at least created a safe space for my small community and i just want yall to know i am here for you because i’ve learned a thing or two by now.

hell, i dont even care if you go anonymously and want to talk through my inbox or if you want to venture into my dms for quicker answers, im here. even if you send me something quick, a meme, any message truly puts a smile on my face.

it shows people know me. they know i exist.

[basilquesadilla]

Just a warning, this post is just a rant/vent with about 0 organization, and may also have some mild, vague spoilers.

Watched Heartstopper season 2 with a friend last night, and I think this time that show really hit me hard and made me feel super single with my aromanticism, even with Issac there. I really enjoyed spending time with my friend, but I got sad because my thoughts were going “This isn’t forevee, you’ll be back to being alone soon.” Watching issac feel awkward amongst his own friend group felt so relatable, anf I resonated with that hard.

I feel like my aromanticism is just something I’m constantly going up and down with how I feel about it. I’ll feel great about it for a bit, then i wont feel hood about it at all for a while, which is getting tiring to experience. I often try to attach queerplatonic/platonic meaning to romantic songs, and i tried to do that with the song that played in the final scene where Charlie talks about the bullying he experienced and what it was like. But i couldn’t do it. There’s not even anyone I’ve met that i’d wanna be in a queerplatonic relationship with, aside from a few where i knew there was no chance. I just felt so lonely so I couldn’t even listen to it.

One thing that doesn’t help me is I feel so touch starved yet I’m also often touch-averse, likely due to the former. It took me nearly a.year with my current friends who I met last year to even do hugs, and I doubt it’ll ever go beyond that because i feel like people never show their friends that much physical affection. Especially since, even if i am non binary, i still look like a cis man right now. And I know a lot of people would find like doing any physical affection with me because of that probably, and I’m touch averse so what does it matter anyways lol. It’s just a torturous limbo lol.

My friend was saying how the show made them want to reinstall dating apps, and meanwhile after the show I had to tune my thoughts out with TikTok and listening to other music to avoid my thoughts.

Another thing that hurts is(this is some long context that i need to add) is that after high school ended, i really didnt get to keep in contact with a lot of my friends(Ik that’s common but bear with me). I’d watch some of them thriving and finding friends despite it being 2020 fall semester where covid was still in its full swing in terms of impact on uni, and meanwhile I was alone. I was severely depressed, and lonely. Because no one i met in my courses with other engineering majors clicked with me(the classes were pre reqs for me as a computer science major). So then I got more lonely, and sophomore year was a repeat.

Final week of school that 2nd year i even decided i couldn’t take talking to even my online friends community aside from 2-3 close friends there. Then junior year happens, and i met my current friends. And of course i love them and everything. But i also have this voice in my head saying that the repeat will happen post graduation. We’ll all go to different places, and then they’ll talk to me less and less, and eventually I’ll just feel lonely and isolated again, and be back to thinking some very dark thoughts. And it’s terrifying. And i guess watching heartstopper s2 reminded me of all that, even tho i absolutely adored it still. All i could think in the back of my head was “you will never experience affectionate touch like this. You will never be able to be in a romantic relationship,’or a queerplatonic one. You’ll be lonely and your friends won’t always be there with you.”

So yeah, here I am, back to feeling shitty about being aromantic and hating it. Because instead of feeling the yearning, crushing, and relationships like others. Instead of feeling physical affection like others. Instead of being able to see a future with a partner. All im experiencing right now is bitterness at my lot in life and how i feel like all my friends will slowly leave me, and i won’t be able to make new ones because I suck at doing that as shown by the 2 years before meeting my current ones. And that just makes me feel depressed. I honestly feel kinda broken and hopeless. Aro and thus a lot of relationship options are cutoff from me, cant find people I’d want to enter a queerplatonic relationship with, AND have trouble with making friends. It just feels like I’m destined to be lonely, and ik it isnt supposed to be a factor in that, but it does feel like being aromantic plays a role in this whole mess for me rn. And i hate that.

If you read to the end of this, ty and I greatly appreciate you :) 💛

[kittyrob0t]

I will type this while im still feeling pretentious

in a good way, don't get me wrong. Lately, I've been feeling an overwhelming need to learn new languages, read books again, shift the music I listen to, and simplify the clothes I wear. Albeit, this might be temporary for now, I am clinging on to this momentary idealization of a want for this lifestyle. I know at my age, it will be difficult to learn a new language, and hopeless considering it might be a barren skill to have if I'm never even going to leave the country sooner or at all. But alas, my brain has decided to do something, and I must follow. This is more and more showing up as a stage of mania and ADHD, which I will ignore, and proceed with. In the past I've always wanted to learn new things, and have always failed because I use life as an excuse to forget or even tire of doing such things. I've also always wanted to have a simpler wardrobe with better pieces but have failed as well because I always put front that I am a victim of capitalism and am not privileged enough to afford slow fashion. Hence my repetition of clothes despite having a ton of them. I no longer enjoy making coffee, I make it, but finish it in less than 10 minutes without actually savoring it. Even the process itself. Which I know sounds ludicrous but I just miss romanticizing the small bits of life as I have been eternally depressed to do so.

I started the last three months with a labor some skincare routine, I now can't seem to be bothered. And I have been in an eternal melancholy for weeks that honestly feel like months. And maybe it has been months, I don't really remember. I haven't really had a fair grasp on time since five years ago. I also have this idea of reading these blog entries in videos I want to create, but it might be too much and overwhelming, and as I'm typing this, maybe its better to keep two separate mediums for now. Especially since I haven't even started video taping anything. It's also funny how I've never talked about filming anything in the first paragraph and now I'm blabbering on about it.

As for my quietness, I am in a pit to be honest. I am currently going in no sure direction with my career and now that I have finally stepped up, am coming to a long stop, I think most probably I am. Sometimes I get sputters of ideas that maybe I should do more work on my portfolio, but I can never find the time to do it, because I always think I'm better off doing something better at that moment. And then it all gets faded out, until a desperate happening comes into my life and I think about it again, and the cycle continues. I currently am working three jobs, one full time, two part time ones that feel like the other one is in disguise. It's a lot more needy than I am, and the fact that I'm depressed doesn't help. I am also currently processing training sessions for a voice acting gig that will last for 6 months and can probably pay for 3 years of rent, for a French web company about to launch audio smut. My desperation for money has definitely made me tolerate some red flags my employer has been showing, especially the time I asked for a contract and he sent me a two-sentence PDF with two underlines for signatures, five minutes later.

Someone has also been 'managing' me, in music, and have been singing as a back up for an indie rapper that seemingly only has intense rhythmic pop in his discography. Most of our shows either has my mic set to the lowest volume; either that, or my voice is incredibly low and quiet, and in decibels the naked ear can't hear, If that's even a phrase. But even then, I still value the 500-1000 peso bills I receive after (under) performing. I seem to think I get better with each performance, but whenever I get off, I always hear the feedback that I seem to have not existed there at all. And to be honest, I don't know what to feel. But I don't feel sad at all. There's certainly a humor to it. Feels like being a ghost employee in a band, paid to be silent.

I've also some to admit that I'm terribly disappointed with how my life is going, but often forget that I am, because of the little tiny happy moments that happen in between, that when I do remember, I feel a little worse that I don't know how to tell people how miserable I am because I feel that the time has passed.

I am currently determined on being alone, as I am weighing if I truly enjoy it because I get to so many things I plan on doing, or maybe I'm just genuinely busy; or that I am just glutted with the presence of other people, and have tremendously low energy to associate myself with. Which by the way, worries me that I may seem like a bitch.

[addictedtodis]

I regret everything

I regret being friends with people not because I hate them but because I am emotionally attached and invested to them. I miss the days when I was the quiet girl when back then nobody bothers me and in turn I don't bother them. I regret opening up to people and I regret showing my true personality or atleast a quarter of that. I hate that ever since that now I have people that I don't want to dissapoint I suffer because of overthinking thoughts that plagues me. I miss when silence weren't suffocating when it was actually welcomed. When I didn't have to spend my time laying on my bed having these thoughts that just don't make no sense. I regret every decision I made and action because maybe if I wasn't friends with any people. I wouldn't feel like this sometimes. I hate it that there will be consequences and I want to distance myself I want to do that yet everytime I get to do that I am plagued with guilt and sorrow. I hate the fact that i am being selfish thinking this way that I am trying to erase people that i know are good influences to my life by shutting them out.

I am trying so hard to stop it but I don't even know why my mood is erratic. I want to complain and I want yell and I want to cry but I'm being dramatic because you know this would be gone tomorrow so quick and so fast it doesn't even feel like I was sad. I miss the silence so so so much. I want it to be comforting again not like now when I always have to talk because I feel like I would disappear if I stop. Yet I contrast myself I don't want people to stop talking and I want to hear noise and I wanna hear about trivial things that is happening in other people's lives.

I hate that my brain does humor why can't it be serious for once. Why can't it acknowledge the fact that maybe I am just not fine at that moment. I hate that whenever something is wrong , I would either joke about it or run away from it. I hate crying even if it would help me all it do is make me exhausted. I don't wanna die yet I also don't wanna live. I feel like everything I do is contrasting. Sometimes I feel that what I am feeling is just not real that its just me getting affected by other peoples emotions tbh I'm blaming the internet. My secret is that I cannot stop thinking. I feel like a jerk a lot at times because if I feel hurt I'll ignore everything and make it look like there is no issue like why the fak would there be.

I don't even know what I am talking about the only thing that makes me relieved is the fact this feeling would be gone and I mean it would come back at another time but well atleast its not everyday. I hate that I decided today to pour my heart out and I would regret this in the future but ya know kinda promised to God i'll do this shet kinda went to church this morning—. Moving on everything is fine tbh kinda tired of my hyper af brain. So yah introducing myself it is I and pretty sure I hab a bad case of loneliness, overthinking, anxiety, mood swings, despression?( bruh no Im not — I be sad not depressed its different ) just overall being human.

But even with all these thoughts I hab I still like to remind that I still have faith in Humanity.

- this was supposed to be a confession about my mental state to my bestfriend but I was okay at the end of the day and I don't feel sad no more so yah I didn't send this shet but thats okay.

[amaranthineghost]

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🥥 ꒱ TWO WHEEL DRIVE: COUNTRIES APART ( lando norris. )

lando norris x biker!reader

after leaving miami, life goes back to normal for the two except now they are left with a sense of longing to be back together. late night texts yearning to see one another again until she has had enough and seeks out lando's teammate, oscar, for help.

authors note: we are ignoring the typo in the dm with oscar because the website i was using wouldn't let me curse so it took out the ass in assuming!

1 3

ynusername

liked by yourbsf and 25,023 others

ynusername life lately

view all 830 comments

yourbsf finally glad im back being your backpack

⤷ ynusername oh shush it was only a couple of days

⤷ yourbsf still a MAN was on MY seat

⤷ ynusername 🙄

user so we just have to act like miami didn't just happen

user i feel empty now

user feels like they collided (not literally tho) but moved on and never looked back

⤷ user right do you think they still keep in touch?

⤷ user no clue, i really hope so

user mclaren needs to bring her back

⤷ user before lando gets depressed!

landonorris don't have too much fun without me

⤷ ynusername says the guy who had to leave

⤷ user SHADE THROWN

⤷ user lando its giving "without me 🥺"

user at least they still comment on each other's posts

⤷ user i don't think i could take it if they didn't

landonorris

liked by ynusername and 801,728 others

landonorris fuuuuiisjck so close to another win, but I'm happy with p2. although I think I'd be happier on two wheels instead

view all 5,395 comments

user lando's getting a little too close to max for comfort

⤷ user right, like mclaren's car is FAST

user hello?? the motorcycle reference is everything

⤷ user you can tell they miss each other so bad

⤷ user right like their posts say EVERYTHING

⤷ user and the way they try to soft launch, but everyone knows because what other biker, other than the one that almost ran him over, would he be missing???

mclaren amazing performance, lando! super close to the win, we'll get him next time! maybe you'll have a certain lucky charm there to help bring it ����

⤷ landonorris yes please

⤷ user bro is DESPERATE

⤷ user i mean wouldn't you if you were him

⤷ user yes i would

ynusername good job lando! you did amazing today! i wish i could've been there to see your performance, but i was still watching 🫶🏻

⤷ landonorris marry me

⤷ landonorris thanks darling, i wish you were there too! 😊

⤷ user not the pr response

⤷ user i think his team was lurking over his shoulder

user HELLO his deleted comment

⤷ user right, like we all saw that mr norris

⤷ user and the fact he called her darling YOU AIN'T SLICK LANDO

⤷ user i mean i'd act like that too if i had a hottie biker telling me good job and wishing she was there

user she's got him WHIPPED

user he's so smitten for her, it's so cute to watch

⤷ user what content do you have that WE DON'T PLEASEEEE SHOW IT TO ME RACHELLLL

user im so sad they've gone back to their normal lives without each other

⤷ user right they post like they never met

⤷ user do you not see the caption he wrote in reference to her and her bike? and also the comments back and forth to each other 💀

⤷ user they wanna be dramatic, shhhh

⤷ user apparently

ynusername has posted a story!

[caption: goodbye for now miami!]

user LEAVING MIAMI???

user girl please tell me you're going to monaco

landonorris taking a vacay?

⤷ ynusername something like that!

⤷ landonorris have fun, darling

oscarpiastri see you in monaco

⤷ ynusername thank you again, can't wait to meet you!

⤷ oscarpiastri it's no problem, my pleasure

—

taglist (found here): @poppyflower-22 @sapphiccloud @darleneslane @decafmickey @slut4lrh @kaa12 @taylorslovesswifties13 @sbella13 @nhlfs @beskardroids @hiireadstuff @lorenica @delululeclerc @c-losur3 @casperlikej @soamericn @tellybearyyyy @geniusalpaca @namgification @landossainz @sweate-r-weathe-r @luvsforme @rylieverstappen-sargent

proofread by @foreveralbon <333

[b0mblover]

It’ll be Okay in the End

By: J

cw; selfharm, generally negative thoughts, blood (etc everything that comes with sh)

lopt essentially has a silent breakdown and mason comforts him or smth idk im not good at summeries,

[Note; this was wrote out of my own desperation for comfort, not romanizing sh, i do not encourage or believe anyone should do this to themselves, seek help.]

i uh, actually had a easier time writing this than most things, probably because ive been essentially replaying this whole scene in my head for literal years! i for once wasnt upset when i wrote this, i was very tired tho! uh i have alot more to say but hawaii part ii lopt is taking over my brain again, so im gonna go do that! have fun with my depressed 100% projected loptson ig!

•

lopt was in ‘his’ so called room, scribbling away at some paper,

mason was rather concerned, hearing frustrated noises constantly, what sounded like pencils breaking,

they had been “partners” officially for 3 months now, mason had always cared about lopt to an extent, partner or not, but this was… odd.

sure lopt had his own life, hobbies, but he didnt care to keep /that/ much from mason, especially whenever he asked,

but, this was different.

lopt had came home from wherever the fuck he was- hell if mason knew details- annoyed, he stormed off to some room, when mason tried to ask what was wrong he only blew him off saying that “its none of your fucking business, you wouldnt get it anyways”

•

lopt was scribbling away in his notepad, despite being a god and literally being immortal, he still couldnt force creativity to come to him,

it was his fifth time trying,

most drawings resulted in poorly scribbled out lines,

he had went out to try and get inspiration for “some project” though he didnt really /have/ anything to work on, starting a new drawing always seemed to be a block for him,

he sat down his broken (6b) pencil, (rather violently but he didnt want to acknowledge that) and got up, he knew somewhere in him, that he needed a break, he walked out of his room to get water, but his mind wouldnt leave him alone,

constant thoughts about how awful his art was spewed around

“youre not “talented”, youre worthless”

“itd be better to quit now”

“just rip up the damn papers, theyre ugly anyways”

“imagine- you could just go and alleviate all this pain, just with that knife-“

he tried to push down his thoughts,

grabbing a cup from the cabinet and filling it with water,

the knives in the butcher block seemed so… tempting,

most of him /knew/ that he shouldnt- that it was wrong, that mason would be disappointed- disgusted, if he found out about his thoughts,

but, he couldnt help it,

all memories of the nights he got up from their bed to take part in something that would disgust his partner made him sick.

questions runned through his head as he sipped on his water, leaning onto the counter

“would he be sad?”

“would he care?”

“would he call me names?”

“tell me how pathetic i am?”

“leave me?”

“would he hate me?”

“tell me how ugly my body is”

“tell me how he hates the scars”

“tell me just how much he despises me”

the voices grew louder wither every question,

saying that he wanted mason to hate him,

that he did hate him,

in the very back of lopts mind, in the tiniest corner, he knew it all wasnt true, that he was being dramatic over nothing,

but even then, the memories of all the times he loved someone- all the times he didnt question if they hated him, what they all said to him,

he felt like doubting himself was the only way to have them not leave,

to not abandon him,

he took a deep breath before sighing, realizing his cup was empty, he decided that he had enough of a “break” and that he needed to start “working” again,

•

mason was sitting on the couch, some random tv show playing for background noise, when lopt wasnt “there” it was almost too quiet, in a way, mason had grown to love how loud and chaotic the house was with lopt- even if thery were the only two people in it.

he seen lopt walk into the kitchen for around 8~ minutes before he trudged his way into his room once more,

he didnt know excatly as to what lopt was doing,

granted whatever it was had to have been important, he didnt usually spend 3+ hours in a room alone silently, it started to make him worry, was lopt sick? just why did he seem so upset when he came home? is he okay? did he hurt himself?

•

lopt sat down at his desk once more, staring at the scribbled page, a sphere, he couldnt figure out how to shade it properly on the background,

he sighed turning his attention to the top left drawer,

he stood up walking over to his dresser, pulling out another drawer, he took out a roll of bandages, and some tissues, 

he knew that he shouldnt, that it was essentially pointless, that hed feel better soon enough,

but that fear crept back up,

“what about last time you didnt? remember? it got only worse because you didnt”

he rubbed the sides of his nose bridge, the voices were annoying, they knew that he was gonna, even without the encouragement.

he sat back down at his desk, sitting the tissues to his right and the badages to his left before pulling out the left hand drawer,

he rummaged through it, various miscellaneous items, before coming across a box,

a red box, seemingly quiet old, with yellow letters reading “do it” on the front,

he took one out, ‘unwrapping’ the razor blade,

straight edge,

he stared at it, contemplating just what hes doing with his life,

“i cant draw, i cant write, i cant make people happy, i cant make music, i can only recite the tales others have told, im worthless, im doless, i will never amount to anything or anyone in my life, god or not, human or not, this is deserved, if i cannot create, then i at lease deserve to bleed”

a mantra he told himself, attempting to poorly justify his actions,

•

mason listened at the door, hearing nothing, no pencil, no walking, almost no breathing, he didnt know everything about lopt, sure, but he knew that he didnt look well off, and what boyfriend would he be to his partner if he wasnt concerned?

they had an unspoken rule to always at least knock before walking into the others space, granted they had seen every part of each other, it was just a courtesy they had, 

though, something felt off,

mason felt as if he shouldnt knock, that lopt was hiding something,

all those sleepless nights where lopt comforted him abundantly, he had felt him get up, a few times he had caught lopt in the basement, he didnt know just what he was doing, he always hid something,

he didnt want to break any boundaries sure, thatd be rude and disrespectful, but, he had a weird feeling in his gut that it was for lopts own saftey,

“please forgive me for this” he muttered to himself,

sharply inhaling before opening the door,

simply greeted by lopts back.

•

lopt heard the door open, he had three lines going diagonally down his right arm, bleeding, he fumbled the razor, dropping it onto the floor, it had gotten rather dark by now, so it probably wouldnt be seen, he attempted to get the tissues, he had always been a great liar,

“ill just say i accidentally cut myself, if he asks what i was doing with a weapon, ill deflect and say i was being stupid”

it seems like he fumbled the tissues for a bit too long.

“hey”

mason said over his shoulder,

he moved his left hand to cover the cuts,

“o-oh, hey, whats wrong?”

“hm, well, i mean nothing? i guess, what are you doing?”

“i- you guess? is something the matter?”

mason had noticed he was oddly covering his forearm,

“you ignored my question.”

“huh?”

“i asked what youre doing.”

masons tone sounded alot more pissed off, granted he wasnt, just concered more than anything,

“o-oh i um, ok dont laugh but uh- i was trying to draw”

“and why are you covering your arm? are you hurt?”

“i- huh? wh- no, no! i uh, may have also been playing with a blade and accidentally scraped myself, nothing much”

“let me see”

“what?”

“let me see your injury”

lopt was taken aback, all of his previous partners never asked to see his wounds, scars sure but never his wounds, even if they werent self inflicted, he was shocked, he hadnt planned for this.

“i- i assure you dear, it isnt anything to worry about-“

“let me see it. are you hiding something?”

in that moment lopt felt small, like a child almost, weak, helpless, he didnt know how he could get out of this without mason either finding out or being suspicious of him.

“i- here”

lopt moved his left arm to mason, there were a few small cuts on it, though rather old looking,

lopt moved his right arm off the table, into the shadows to not call attention to it.

“uh huh, now the other?”

lopt seen his eternal life flash before his very eyes.

his mind went on autopilot and raised his right arm, he usually would fight but, he knew itd be pointless, mason would just worry more, thus making him keep a closer eye on lopt, he didnt want to feel selfish, not like that,

“oh my, i- oh my god,”

mason was shocked, he had suspected that lopt had hurt himself in the past, granted the scars,

but, he didnt think he still did it, sure the weird behavior, but it never really dawned on him until that moment.

.

mason had brought (more like dragged) lopt to the bathroom, running the slits under cool water, putting pressure to hopefully get the bleeding under control, he opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out another roll of bandages,

he stood behind lopt washing the blood off, still slightly in shock,

“why?”

“huh?”

“why do you do this?”

masom questioned, fully aware of the long list lopt was about to give out,

“i- well, i dunno..”

lopts voice trailed off before starting again,

“i mean, i dont even know why i do this, it just feels good? like i can do something right? it makes me feel like im not worthless”

mason hummed for a second before choosing his words

“do you feel normally that youre worthless?”

“i guess so, i dont know why, i have the best boyfriend, my life is great, i just dont know..”

“mmhm, what were you trying to draw?”

“i dont know. does it matter?”

lopt shot back

“well, you seemed frustrated at it, so im sure it’s important to you yeah? so then it’s important to me”

mason brought his hands around lopts wrist, rubbing it slightly attempting to calm him down

“i- i dont know, i just, i feel frustrated, so i tried to draw, but drawing makes me feel more frustrated, so i did this- an- and n-now-“

lopt began to stutter, tears swelling up in his eyes, mason had only seen him cry on a few occasions,

“shh- shh its okay, i know what youre saying, breath, okay?”

lopt inhaled deeply, feeling masons left hand move to wipe the tears away,

he didnt even know why he was crying,

mason bandaged lopts arm slightly tight, 

“shh, now, you wanna talk about this? or wait a little bit longer to calm down?”

“c-calm down”

“alright alright, shh youre okay, see?”

mason lead lopt into his bedroom, taking lopts hand under the covers as he had done for him every sleepless night,

lopt could feel his eyelids starting to droop, the warmth of his boyfriend comforting him, the love of his boyfriend comforting him,

he shoved his head into masons chest, finding it to be the most comfortable spot out of the entire bed,

mason ruffled his hair, slowly stroking his hand on his neck,

“y’know, you may be a god,

and you may be immortal, but,

ill be with you for as long as you need, in this life and after”

lopt didnt respond, just slightly nodded his head before burrying it deeper into masons chest, 

maybe tonight wasnt so bad after all,

spending time with mason- no, his boyfriend, was never bad.

lopt faded in and out of sleep, trying to fight the melatonin being produced, just to feel the sweet touch of his boyfriends skin, before he completely felt himself drift away, he heard him speak,

“I love you, i love you so much, never forget that, in this life and the next, ill always love you, lopt.”