#im not trying to ruin my last year
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I have never thought about writing fics. I have never really came up with ideas. But goddammit The Outsiders musical.
I be yearning to write now... The brain is braining. And people keep telling me to write...
But I'm scared of the ao3 curse and look, I'm just trying to get through my senior year as an academic weapon who also goes out to parties and stuff. Let me live a life before I have to actually be an adult with a job.
#internal conflict#ao3 curse#im scared#!!!#the outsiders#the outsiders musical#oh how i am tweaking!#i have thoughts#archive of our own#ao3#decisions decisions#im not trying to ruin my last year#look im a premed#so i cant be missing class because i got hit by a bus#i dont want to be an adult#as if i'm not already one
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can i say it now?
sage of time/time powers didn't make sense for totk zelda. at ALL.
when in botw, before the calamity, in aoc, did she EVER show an affinity for time powers? i get that it was like this sort of. hidden power kind of thing, but it still doesn't make much sense. not for zelda.
#not to mention. light dragon still.#like..... it doesn't make sense in my head.#i would have understood it if it were link who was sage of time. because he canonically has magic related to time#(e.g. flurry rush. bullet time. plus connections to the hero of time)#they could have made a banger design with time themes for dragon zelda. im just saying#and i get kind of trying to connect her with sonia a bit but idk.#i TRIED to bring this up back when totk first released but people didnt like that very much#i think both zelda and link are connected to time and light but they each have more of a connection to one over the other#like. okay. dragon of time zelda. yes?#phases in and out of existance at will. sometimes she's seen at the two different places at the same time. maybe more.#her appearance is pretty unpredictable. the average hylian who has no clue what the dragon spirits are talk about things going missing#weird things happening whenever the dragon of time flies overhead#legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#totk spoilers#idk if people still care but it was more expensive than usual so#negativity#i feel bad for making this post after bitching about people being too harsh about totk#and people were. i was hyperfixating and legit could not talk about it because people were horrible about it to me#which genuinely ruined a lot of my experiences online last year#its really hard to try and reframe it as “all that matters is that you enjoy it and what other people think shouldn't affect that”
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Please save me, I'm reading a reddit thread about Seb vs Max(bcs Tost said he thought Seb would win out), and none of these people know how good Seb was in his prime
#the fucking ignorance in this thread im gonna shoot myself#theyre like:oh he barely won 2010 and 2012#uhhhhh you mean two of the most competitive seasons in history?????????#2010: literally had 5 championship contenders for a while and then still 4 for the closer#^ also tbh its super impressive to me that he was never leading the wdc and still managed to pull it off at the last moment#and 2012 which is regarded as one of if not the best seasons of all time in which there were six different winners in the first six races#i cannot fucking believe i jsut saw a comment basically seb is not as aggressive as max#saying he doesnt have the samw 'step on their neck' mentality as Max does#uh what??????????? im sorry but seb was one of the most ruthless drivers ever and was way more of an asshole abt it. multi-21??????#but fuck. these people dont know him and his wdc years at all 😭😭#still has the record for most poles in a season. is still the youngest wdc and polesitter#got pole and won a race in his 1 ½ season IN AN STR before rbr could even try pulling that off#it just really sucks to me how his flop years have ruined his reputation for some people#yeah ofc he kinda fell off in the latter years of ferrari and amr but that doesnt erase all of his incredible performance in the prior yrs??#like please i beg of you go watch the rbr era years and you will be impressed istg#another stupid argument was saying 'oh he made too many mistakes in 2009 and lost a wdc he couldve won'#first of all that was only his 2½ season and his first season in a top team#and also not all of his dnfs and crashes in that ssn were his fault :/ the car wasnt the most reliable :/#i love max and i think hes probably one of the goats but my god the regency bias is insane#^ and alongside that. oh you point out all Seb's mistakes but completely ignore when max was called the crash kid?? 😭😭#like saying seb lost 2009 due to rookie mistakes...YEAH CAUSE HE WAS ONLY IN HIS 2½ YEAR AS A 21/22 YR OLD#also I think its impossible anyways to say who would win that matchup bcs theyre in completely different eras#seb dominated that v8 era and max dominates this current era. its truly impossible to say bcs they mastered completely dif cars#like whu cant we just say both of them are pretty damn fantastic as rbr golden boys??#anyways. fuck im so irritated right now. this is an affront to my spirit!!!#its really just: say you dont know seb without saying you dont know seb#catie.rambling.txt
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i feel dangerous when i'm not sober
womanhood&addictions. im clean for 110 days! i rarely draw something that i put my genuine emotions into so this was a very healing experience <) pretty dark imagery but i feel so good you don't even know... very satisfied with how everything came out.
#wine bottle bc last year i drank a whole bottle by myself#very quickly. and i got so wasted that i ended up smoking a cigarette for the first time in my life#on the next day i decided that i messed up and that i was ruining myself so i needed to cut the alcohol out entirely#im clean of any selfharm for over two years now. very proud#a few years ago i was so drunk that i cut my finger pretty badly while trying to cut bread for my equally drunk friend#varicosity... menstruation... body hair...stretch marks... itchy skin...#i'm so in love with womens bodies#need to draw more of things like this#art#my art#digital art#digital drawing#digital artwork#artists on tumblr
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You know I was thinking. Since I was a ten year old and boys would ask me out as a joke, cos I was the fat autistic ginger nerd who no one wanted to be friends with, and they found that hilarious, up to being rejected recently by hookups in the past few months cos I'm not far enough in my transition or I'm too fat or too ugly or too much for some people, I've dealt with rejection and people laughing at me instead of loving me my whole pre teen-adult life.
Just thinking of damage done by a cis and heteronormative world, and how queer love is so healing and joyful and wonderful, and how I feel, at nearly 33, ready to commit to someone and be in it for the long haul because they like me DESPITE all my flaws. They love me for me and I love them for them and they're wonderful to me. They've never said an unkind word to me (and i believe them wholly that they never will and never have to anyoen else either). They've never asked anything of me that is unreasonable or I can't do. They've not laughed or run a mile when I talk about access needs like my chair, their only request being that they can still hold my hand while I show them off to the world.
It's been six months of 'getting to know you' and having fun together indulging in shared fandoms and writing together. For me, it's been about four-three months of pining and wanting. A little less time wishing and not daring to hope because I'm definitely punching above my weight lmao.
Idk. Something something queer love is being seen at your worst and not being judged. Queer love is joy, and happiness. Queer love is healing past trauma and being in it *together*. Queer love is everything.
And you know what for the first time in a long long time I'm gonna do some linocut guidelines and get them printed and transfer them to blocks and make some heartfelt art. Because they inspire me. They're my Muse, my love.
Bonus ramble in the tags about former unrequited and toxic 'love'.
#hadley tag#this is a hadley appreciation blog now and im not sorry#i didnt think love could be or feel like this#makes me wodnwr if the 'love' ive had before was love at all#when my last ldr went wrong and she ghosted me after 7 years of friendship and more#it destroyed me but with hindsight she was trying to make me someone im not#i was dieting on and off. unhappy with myself. unhappy in rhe music i was bzcked into liking for her sake bc she hated the music i wanted to#listen to. i had long hair. presented high femme. the day i came out to her as genderqueer she blovked me on everything. on christmas eve#no less. she broke my heart but i look bsck and it was unrequited. i was a good excuse for her to come and live in the uk but thats it#Once she had 'cooler' friends and a boyfriend she cheated on me with she ditched me#and I'll never forgive her for that. ill never forgi e her for the years afterward thT i was damaged goods#because she ruined me mentally.#but im healed now. im healING now. im ready to let myself be happy again#im ready to feel the whole gamut of love and affection and all of that#im ready to love and be loved. see and be seen. feel wanted and make them feel wanted too.#its going to be a long wait til we can meet but once xmas is out of the way this year im going to save up with hadley and were going to make#time for each other and meet and then we see where we go from there :>#im so happy i 'met' them#the good omens fandom is magic i stg
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my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol
#.mei chats#soryr really my family is. great i need to stpo complain#i just wish theyd realize that im not incompetent#i do a really good job taking care of myself for the entire 10 months out of the year that i dont live with them#and im proud of the independence ive developed bc i worked really hard to feel ANY sort of positive feelings about myself#but they just dont recognize it at all when i come back#trying to tell me how to microwave my food and reminding me of paperwork i have to do#Thanks i literally managed the entire program tasks myself for the last 6~months but yeah you better remind me about the medical forms#or else ill totally forget and mess up the whole thing :'333 bc im just so stupid!! thakn you soooo much for taking care of me!!#<- not like ive been hypervigilant and anxious about making sure i do every little thing with it perfect#in fact there was actually an issue w one of my forms bc they made me submit it even though i didn't think it was filled out properly.#they were like “itll be fine youre overthinking” guess who got an email 3 days later saying the form was completely invalid.#god just bottom line why cantthey trust me when i say im on top of it. fucking trust me this program is my entire life right now#i am putting literally eveyr ounce of effort i've got into not ruining it. they just dont see the improvements and growth ive made at all#so frustrating bc ive worked so hard to pinpoint and fix that specifically but what can ya do#god this got long. sawry#.not f/o related
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i miss boxing
#sorry vent movement 🏃#thinking abt how nothings felt right since graduating high school but it feels even less right since quitting boxing last year#thinking abt how there was a 60ish yr old woman still kickboxing at my old gym and i planned on being like her#and doing kickboxing/boxing for the rest of my life as long as possible#but ‘as long as possible’ turned out to be like. 7 years.#and how that was supposed to be a constant. and it was a pillar of my identity and self image#but then my knuckle started hurting when i punched and then it started hurting when i did anything at all#thinking abt how its not fair#not fair that theres nothing diagnosibly wrong w my knuckles that i could fix theyre just ruined for some reason#thinking abt how i could try harder to fix my knuckles but i quit bc im scared to irreparably damage my right hand#bc i need that for like. any livelihood or joy in my life. haha#thinking abt how my family kinda makes me feel guilty for not trying harder and maybe i quit too easily#but also i thought quitting while im ahead to protect my hands was a smart move but everyone makes me feel like i just gave up on it#and ig i did literally give up but i wish it didnt feel so WEAK#thinking abt how its not fair and its not fair and its not fair#x
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never think of ichi getting a haircut and being upset with the result while getting your own hair cut lest you also be cursed with a cut You Did Not Want
#snap chats#everyone was here the last time i had a mental breakdown over a haircut i got right#part two baby !!!!!!#II WANT TO DIE SO BAD#i didnt have money to get it cut properly so i just had my mom do it since shes cut our hair for years#and she cut it too short and now i just feel dysphoric and ugly and i want to scream and die#‘snap youre making a mountain out of a mole hill’ LET ME BE UPSET#ITS MY HAIR MY FACE MY FEELINGS so if i wanna cry like a baby let me#esp since im going back to school this week like UGH I WANTED TO LOOK NICE THE FIRST DAY#i guess this is better than having my hair longer but still.... day ruined#at least ichi’s hair looked great.... i dont wanna look in the mirror for the next half year#ok im done being dramatic bye. im gonna cry on the couch <- exagerrating. hopefully.#ill probably judt try to draw to distract the fact my self consciousness is worse now LMAO WE’LL COPE SOMEHOW WE ALWAYS DO
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dress i ordered for my uncles wedding didnt fit, might kill myself
#tw ed#<to be safe ig. vent in tags#ohhhhhhhhhhhhh#im so upset about this i could actually cryyyyyyyyy#i have ruined my body#and now i just have to fix it on my own as well#trying to improve my relationship with food and get better from BED#at home#with only youtube videos and tiktok dieticians to help#i might actually kill myself#ive been trying so hard to be positive about this but idk if i can keep it up :|#i tried to talk to MORE THAN ONE mental health professional about it but they all shut me down cuz they were clearly uncomfortable with it#which... whatever im a big girl but why become a therapist if you cant deal with such a common issue WHATEVER#i am eating healthier and im more active than ive been since i was like 13 and its showing#just very slowly#which is good cuz fast weight loss doesnt last and im trying to like meaningfully change and stuff#butttttttttttttt iam going to be fat for the next 2 years at least#and thats with no setbacks and it just feels like :( like sad face emoji#i am going to be fat at my uncles wedding that i DONT want to go to i dont have anyone to bring as my plus one#and i hateeeeee my cousins and im DEPRESSED#but i dont wanna take antidepressants and i WONT#and i feel sick and anxious all the time and ive lost 40lbs but im still FATTTTT#because i fucked myself#i literally used to eat til i threw up#5000 calorie binges every other day and it has lowkey ruined my body fr#not jsut in looks like yea im over weight but in so many other ways too#it wrecked my confidence and im still young enough that my health is mostly fine i just know everything would#easier if i had never done it#and then tried stupid shit to UNDO it like brotherrrrrr yoyo dieting is NOT the move#starving yourself for days then binging is not the moveeeeeee
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#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over#stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that#the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no#way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try#to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying#things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she#just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was#spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she#didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively#asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a#bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i#didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to#embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my#brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going#to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave#she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this#i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad#delete later
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you know i understand people have different coping mechanisms but i really wish some of those were not public
#^this is about. fuckin . mcyt edtwt#<- warning for talk of that in tags take care of yourself<3#i have this really bad habit of going down rabbitholes of edtwt accounts#cause someone will qrt one and then i cant help but click and click etc#and the thing with mcyt ones is like . i cant have my main interest ruined like that#like one of the best things in my life#cause its already happening a bit ill see a recent picture of wilbur and think 'i want to look like that'#but not in the way ive meant it for years (just regular gender envy) more like .Yknow . Yeah#anyway sorry i try not to talk too much about body image shit on here but . Todays bad#it feels so stupid too seeing all these accs talk about the drastic stuff they do & im just sitting here having had a regular dinner like#it feels stupid to even talk about it as an issue idk#like yeah last year sure i was trying my best to not eat lunch on most school days but thats not even the case now so like . Idk#<- Definitely out of choice and not cause my friend won't let me skip Yep yep yep#alex.rambles.txt
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i think i may be somewhere on the aplatonic spectrum
#i was going to say i’m not super bothered when i don’t make friends but then someone reminded me that like 90% of my vent posts#in the last couple weeks have just been god i wish i could make friends and wasn’t weird and lonely and quiet and awkward and-#but like. i think what bothers me is less ‘i want friends and don’t have them’ and more ‘i want to look like a friendly person but dont’#like it’s hard to come off as friendly and approachable when i cower any time im approached#but it’s not necessarily about lacking human connection really. like i Do Have Friends.#the friends who stick around the longest tend to be the ones who reach out first is all#idk#i really think i have avpd like even if i didn’t have the full blown symptoms before covid#like i think the trauma of the last 4-6 years has just ruined Other People for me in some ways. and it’s hard to bounce back from that#shoutout to my psychiatrists epic advice about that which is ‘just uh do it anyway’#like i get what he’s saying but. urgh.#like i genuinely feel like i need to bolt out of the room whenever someone makes small talk#and my mind just goes completely blank trying to figure out what to say next#and it’s humiliating like. god just ask them ‘how about you’ for once i.n your damn life instead of freezing#it can’t be that hard#and yet. it proves to be#punktalk#punkvent
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Funny. I was thinking just yesterday about how it had been awhile (almost a year) since I had a good old fashioned fainting spell. And the last time I had one I didn't even think I was dying like a lot of other times I've had them in the past. Well then last night (tonight? Today?) between 2 and 3 in the morning I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, was thinking "man this feels like so much effort I'm so tired" when I turned around to dry them, and then I realized I was on the floor somehow in the fight of my life with the perception of consciousness again.
#i can't be certain how many times i lost consciousness bc i tried to stay on the floor after that#ive learned the hard way not to try to get up once you're down until you're really sure it's over#it's not just gonna be once. i stay in limbo for well. who knows how long!#literally who knows. not me. i was the one unable to hold onto waking#tales from diana#fainting cw#health cw#luckily. whenever it was i first realized i was fainting i had the instinct to sit on the ground#not comfortably. but when i realized what was happening i noticed i was facing the closet leaning my back on the sink#so i mitigated a possible concussion#last time i had one in the middle of the night like this by myself (5ish years ago) i didn't tell my doctor till my next physical#and she was like 'why didnt you come? you couldve had a concussion' and i was freaked out by that#my head hurts a little but not much so i think injury-wise im probably ok#but i should go to the hospital or something today... now that i know i have hashimoto's disease#im wondering if that was some kind of thyroid attack or smth#and they weren't gonna schedule me to see an endocrinologist till DECEMBER#yeah i cried a little when i woke up this morning about it#im just so sad. i can't stop suffering i can't stop being in pain#ruins everything. i was gonna see my family today#i have so many things i wanna do but i can't even dry my hands in the middle of the night anymore
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Me: starting to make lunch in the kitchen
Mother: comes in after me and makes it VERY clear that *i* am in the way
Also mother: gets pissed off when i say i'll make my food later
#I WAS THERE FIRST#cCLEARLY GATHERING INGREDIENTS#but no IM the one getting in HER way#for fucks sake its my birthday tomorrow she abandoned me during an asthma attack i had to get her to call me a fucking ambulance for#and today shes fucking aggro bc i was IN *HER* WAY????#and after i fixed her fucking tv EVEN AFTER SHE WOKE ME UP o fixed her fucking app she was having issues with she RUINED the chicken stock#i was trying to fucking make last week AND SHE INVADED THE FUCKING KITCHEN WHILE I WAS TRYING TO MAKE FOOD#but no obviously im the fucking problem#also bought her a fucking mini waggle maker bc she cant eat the big ones i found 4 more kdramas for her to watch AND shes put zero effort il#into my birthday#like i spend the entire year picking presents for her and my dad and my sister and ALL THREE OF THEM COME TO ME FOR THEIR PRESENTS TO EACH#OTHER and she fucking refuses to put any effort into gifts for me#just hands me cash#“its too hard i dont know what you like” even when i fucking made a list of gift cards she could get AT THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE#and we always fucking eat where anybody fucking else in the family wants to eat#nevermind its supposed to be my fucking birthday#anyway turns out im still bitter and angry that my birthday has never been about me#time for my annual Birthday Self Pity to start#at least i organised my own birthday cake this year#so im actually getting what i want#since last year the dessert she made i cant fucking eat#bc im fucking allergic to eggs#and the year before that she wasnt speaking to me so i bought my own present#jokes on her that was my best birthday in decades#bc i actually got to do what i wanted which was fucking nothing#she didnt force us to go out for lunch AND THOUGHT SHE WAS PUNISHING ME#and the year before that i put my fucking foot down and said i wanted fish and chips at home#but she had to choose the fucking fish and chip place and she chose the fucking chinese restaurant so it was shit#i have forced myself to stop caring about my birthday bc it's just retraumatising myself every time i care
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sometimes I think about the fact that through the neuropsych evaluation I had when I was 14 i was deemed to have a working memory related possibly-genetic anomalous neurological issue based on how insanely and noticeably bad my immediate recall skills were/are. and i did not learn about this and had just assumed it was adhd related until literally last year at the age of 21. because it was never addressed ever
#I’ve had so many issues in school and shit because of this and it sometimes makes me So anxious#like#like I double and triple check texts I write sometimes just because it’s so common for me to miss something small thatd make me sound stupid#or something along those lines#that and ugh god DATES. due dates. I’ve almost ruined entire final projects because I recalled a date wrong#whenever I have to enter verification codes I have to say it out loud multiple times becuaee if I don’t there’s a good chance I’ll forget#almost immediately#like it’s affected a ton of stuff in my teenage to young adult life and I didn’t know that it was a legit NEUROLOGICAL problem until last#YEAR. in my (sort of) fourth year of college???#(sort of because i did 3 years community college 1 year of uni)#what do I even DO with that information#other than. I mean. im trying to get reassessed already but that’s primarily for autism reasons#having a hard fucking time with that though but anyway#it’s just wild to think how much of my life I’ve dealt with that without any legit help for it#kibumblabs#personal#sorry this is really out of nowhere I just. remember it sometimes#like oh yeah. i literally have a mystery neurological handicap. right
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#called my dad tonight and im trying to convince myself that even though the Health Issues:tm: have ruined the last three semesters so far#there IS progress. because its the first time in like. six years that ive managed to not give up before december. and this with everything#going on + i was unable to take ANY fucking meds!!!!!! so it was just me and my brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but also holy shit the health stuff has been so so so annoying. i hope it will be over soon oh my god#medical tw#vent /
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