#bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i

[waheedawolf]

.

[wienerbarnes]

Witch Bitch

Pairing: Bucky x Witch!Reader

Word Count: 3,943

Warnings: witch stuff, burning at the stake 😳

A/N: this is heavily inspired by american horror story: coven bc i recently watched and ive been binging all of it lately but its not necessary to know anything about ahs lol i kinda just used their fancy magical terminology and concepts bc they were cool🤪 

MAIN MASTERLIST

The best time of the day was breakfast. It was the time when Bucky, Sam, and Sharon were most often together. Sometimes training overlapped and they missed lunch. Sometimes missions ran long or friends were in town and they missed dinner. But the morning? They were all early birds, all awake by seven. They took that shared characteristic and shared breakfast together whenever they could. Bucky usually took care of the coffee, Sam usually took care of the eggs and bacon, and Sharon usually took care of the bagels, toasting them to perfection before slathering on a layer of cream cheese.

It was a moment of peace in their day. Quiet before the noise of the gym or the conference room or the jets or the private trainings or the interviews with prospective agents or anything else they do on a daily basis. It was a time for three friends to just sit and eat and enjoy each other's company as though they are just that: three friends. Not super soldiers or captains or special agents. Just people being normal. Normal doesn’t last long, though. It never does for them.

Bucky’s on dish washing duty this morning while Sam and Sharon chat idly behind him, waiting for him to finish so they can all leave together. A soft voice interrupts them, though, making the three of them stop what they’re doing because no one has access to this floor except for the people that live here - meaning them three.

“Who’s in charge here?” You ask.

“Who the hell are you?! How did you get up here?!” Sharon asks, ignoring your question.

You were in a long, flowy black skirt, slit cut in the left side exposing your leg, and a long-sleeve black shirt, tucked beneath the waistband. Think black boots cover your feet and a black hat sits on your head to complete your look. Bucky almost doesn’t notice the folded black umbrella underneath your arm as his eyes trail down the multiple chains and necklaces around your neck, falling between your breasts.

“I’ve been trying to find someone to help me but the people in this building are not very helpful. I figured I’d find who’s in charge myself, something that you all don’t seem to want to help me with, either.” You explain.

“The only way to even enter this building is through strict appointment and background checks, and no one’s even allowed past the nineteenth floor.” Sam explains.

“Why are you entertaining this? I’m getting her out of here.” Sharon says, moving to walk towards you to take you out of the building herself.

As she nears closer and closer, you wave your hand lazily, without taking your eyes off Bucky, the only one who hasn’t said anything this whole time, and Sharon collapses on the floor soundlessly.

“Jesus!”

“What did you do!”

Both Bucky and Sam panic as they rush to Sharon’s body on the floor. They frantically run their hands over her body, looking for the point of injury that made her collapse the way she did, but they find nothing. No holes, no blood; she didn’t even make a sound.

“She’s not breathing and she doesn’t have a pulse, what the fuck did you do to her?!” Sam yells at you.

You roll your eyes, “Okay, you got me. I don’t need help finding who’s in charge, I already know it’s you. I still do need your help, though.”

You’re ignored as the two men hover over their friend, unsure of what to do or what even happened to her.

“Oh, alright, move.” You order them, stepping over Sharon’s body.

You stand before her, lifting your hands to hover over her body before closing your eyes and letting out a deep and long exhale. Bucky and Sam watch as it takes only about seven seconds for their friend to suddenly gasp for air, jumping back to life. The boys crowd her once more, checking her eyes, her pulse, everything to convince themselves that she’s actually alive like that, and if she was even dead in the first place.

Sam finally looks back up at you from the ground, as though he just remembered that you’re there, “What are you?”

You smirk in response, ready to finally get what you came here for.

…

“So, you’re a witch?” Sam asks, the four of them now occupying a private conference room for some privacy.

“A witch who killed me.” Sharon adds.

“And a witch that brought you right back.” You reply, leaning back on your chair, leg crossed over your knee, slit exposing your thigh. Bucky’s eye twitch to look at your bare skin for a second before returning to meet your eyes.

“So… what do you do?” Bucky asks.

You smile at his innocent curiosity, “All witches don’t have one universal power. Some are clairvoyant, some do voodoo, some dabble in pyrokinesis, divination, transmutation, descendum,” You glance over to Sharon, who’s still pouting at you, “Resurrection.”

“And can you do all of those?” Bucky asks.

“Almost all of them, but I’m not here to talk about me.”

“Why are you here?” Sharon asks.

“You guys hunt the Nazi’s, right?” You ask, aiming your question towards Sam, knowing he’s the Captain in charge.

“Hydra, yes.” He confirms.

“Well, your Nazi’s somehow got a hold of my magic. And they are playing with very dangerous fire,” You begin.

Bucky interrupts, “We’re all for taking down Hydra, but, don’t you think you’re a little more… powerful than us?” He asks.

“Bucky!” Sharon slaps his arm, as though she’s shocked that he would ever admit such a thing.

“I am. But I’m not that powerful, either. Not anymore, at least. A group of those Hydra invaded the coven my sisters and I were at. I was the only one that escaped.” You tell them.

“Did Hydra take them?” Sam asks.

“No, they killed them.” You respond, growing irritated as the subject grows touchier and touchier.

“Can’t you just bring them back like you did me?” Sharon inquires.

“No! I can’t. Like I said, I’m not that powerful anymore. Maybe I’d be able to bring back a house full of dead girls when it was me and twelve others but it’s just me now. I wouldn’t come all the way over here if I had other options.”

Silence grows over the group as they process what you’ve gone through. Surviving through the massacre of your fellow witches and not being powerful enough to find the people that did it on your own. You’re vulnerable.

“So what can we do?” Sam asks, ready to join forces with you.

“Help me locate the men who did this so I can handle the magic part.” You tell him.

“What magic do they have?”

“Although witches control most of the magic, sometimes it can be taken on in… physical forms. Specifically blood. The blood they retrieved was from a witch that was skilled in Vitali Vitalis.”

“The alive within the living.” Bucky translates.

“There are two worlds: the living and the dead,” You begin to explain, “Vitali Vitalis keeps the balance between these two things and it’s one of the most difficult powers for a witch to master. Oftentimes it’s used to give parts of your own life, health, and energy to someone who needs it. But it can also allow you to take life from someone and give it to yourself.”

“Like immortality?” Sam questions.

“Not quite. Any witch can be killed with a knife or bullet. This kind of magic keeps you from dying of age. I’ve only ever known one witch who mastered it.”

“What happened to her?”

“She used it for evil, like this. Took the souls of hundreds in order to allow herself to live for almost three centuries. Until she was killed, of course.” You finish, a small smile on your lips knowing that she got what she deserved.

“What, you burn her at the stake?” Sharon jokes.

“Yes, actually. We did.” You tell her matter-of-factly, becoming more and more irritated at the fact that she doesn’t seem to take this is as seriously as you are.

Bucky interrupts, sensing the rising tension between the two girls, “So when we find these guys, you’re going to burn them at the stake, too?” He asks.

“Yes,” You say, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “The consequence of using magic like this for evil is death by fire. I hope you all don’t think the rules will change on account of these men being Nazi’s?”

“Well, we just have a different way of doing things -” Sam begin to defend

“Yes, I’m aware. The countless destruction caused by you and other militaries, the millions of innocent lives lost yearly, not only in the constant war and irresponsible handling of your nuclear and alien weaponry, but by incorrect prosecution. Not to mention the billions of dollars spent on your ridiculous prison systems that don’t work when actual bad people escape and the death penalty practices in certain states. I just figured my way was easier. And cheaper.” You reply.

Silence crowds over the four of them once more as they think over all their options.

“I’m in.” Bucky speaks first.

“Me, too. Even if I don’t like you.” Sharon follows.

“Feeling’s mutual, dear.” You smile at her.

The three of them look to Sam, waiting for his commitment as well.

“Alright. Let’s get to work.”

Plans were made, theories of location were thought of, and plans to execute the mission were put into place, all of which included you. A temporary room was given to you when the information of your lack of a place to stay was brought to light. Only for the duration of this mission, is what Sam told you, but you can spot the amount of love and light in his heart from miles away.

It was later that night, and you’ve since cleansed the room, going as far as to place a protective spell on the entire floor. You’ve lost too much already, and you’re not about to risk anything.

A knock at the door sounds and the visitor you’d been expecting has finally arrived. You walk towards the door, still in your clothes from earlier but now you’ve removed your shoes, and open the door to reveal Bucky.

“I was waiting for you.” You tell him.

“How’d you know I’d come?” He asks, stepping through the door when you step aside, silently gesturing to him to enter.

“I can hear your thoughts. You've been debating whether or not to come see me for the past thirty minutes. Your mind is very loud.”

“Tell me about it.” He mumbles to himself, thinking about the countless nightmares, voices, and all the other reminders of just how loud his mind was.

“You can ask all your questions, you know. I won’t take any offence. You’re just curious.” You tell him, settling on your bed, hoping he’ll join you and stop hovering near the door.

Luckily he takes the hint and takes a seat across from you.

“I’ve never met a witch before. A real one, I mean. Like, someone born a witch. Like Salem witches -”

“I understand.” You chuckle lightly.

“You don’t seem… afraid of me. Or, hesitant, rather.” You tell him, thinking about how he’s received your presence here compared to his colleagues.

“I was wary when you killed my friend, but… you just need some help, is all. I’m sorry, by the way, I’m not sure if I said it before, but, I’m sorry for what happened to your friends.” He tells you.

He’s very polite. But you supposed that’s not abnormal considering he got his manners from the 1920’s. You like it, though. You give him an appreciative smile before giving him the okay to ask you whatever he wanted.

“So you said that witches can master multiple powers but have one specialty; is yours resurrection?”

“Yes; it was the first power I ever exhibited when I was a teenager. I was about fourteen or fifteen. My next mastered skill is descendum and then clairvoyance, where I was in my twenties, or so.” You tell him as he looks at you with pure fascination in his eyes.

“What is - what is descendum?”

You pause, “The power to descend your soul down into the afterlife - to hell. And return alive.”

His eyes widened, not even knowing that was something someone can do; not even knowing that hell existed in the first place, “So, you’ve been to hell?”

“Yes. I’ve also been able to retrieve people from hell, their soul. A variation of my power of resurrection, I suppose.” You explain, not being too fond of that power; descending to hell.

Bucky sits in silence for a few minutes, and you let him. You can hear the question lingering around in his head; what he’s thinking. But you let him build up his own courage to ask it. You know he’s only scared of the answer; the answer you know he’s not going to like.

“What is hell like?” He whispers.

“It doesn’t matter what my hell is like. Everyone has their own personal hell they experience when they die.” You tell him.

Confusion clouds his features as he registers your answer.

“Is there… Is there no heaven?”

You smirk, “It’s nice that you’ve remained religious after all this time.”

“Yes, there's heaven. But only for the purest and most innocent of souls. And rarely do people escape life without sin. Everyone has evil in them.” You tell him, knowing it’s a harsh truth that no one wants to hear.

The people Bucky’s killed, the crime he’s committed, the families he’s hurt; it all passes through his mind. Everyone has evil in them.

“What was your hell like?”

“I’m not telling you that.” You tell him quickly.

Bucky ponders what his own hell will be like, after seeing the way you’re clearly shaken up about your own. The fall from the train. The man in a lab coat sawing off the rest of his arm. The needles poking through his skin in the middle of some facility. The chair.

He doesn’t realize that he’s looked away from you until he snaps his thoughts back to the present and sees he’s looking down into his lap. He glances up to see your face, your soft features and kind eyes staring at him. He glances from your eyes to your lips and back up again before clearing his throat, not realizing how close he got to you during his time here sitting on your bed.

“You know, I, uh, I should go. Thank you for, uh, answering my questions, but we head out pretty - pretty early tomorrow, so,” He trails off, standing and patting down his shirt to smooth out the nonexistent wrinkles in a nervous habit.

He makes his way towards the door and his hand touches the knob when he hears your voice, “Hey, Bucky?” He turns slightly to face you again, a hum to indicate for you to continue.

“Thank you for coming to see me. And thank you for all the kindness you’ve shown me. You’re a very good person.” You tell him sincerely.

He gives you a nod of you’re welcome before exiting.

He’s not sure if you told him that because you truly mean it, or if it’s because of the state of anxiety and existential crises you’ve put him in now that he’s going to be thinking about his personal hell, but he appreciates it, nonetheless.

He thinks you’re a pretty good person, yourself.

…

The mission goes off without a hitch. The combined skill of the Avengers’ stealth, spyware, and experience along with your magic and witchery makes for an easy capture of the men who killed your witch sisters and stole your magic.

It’s not long before the facility they were at was shut down and cleared out, arresting any officers and rescuing any prisoners or hostages, and the five men specifically responsible for the destruction of your coven are in separate custody. What’s left of the blood is returned to you, as well.

That’s where the group of you stand now, a decision to be made about the criminals you’ve captured. To be put in the maximum security prison floating in the ocean, or to be put to death by fire.

“I don’t believe in being the executioner of people.” Sam tries to convince.

You can’t help but let a laugh escape you, “Do you know who you work for?! Do you know who you are?!” You remind him.

“Those guys can’t escape the Raft.” He tries, referring to prison in the middle of the ocean you’ve heard about.

“You did.” You respond, knowing about when Steve Rogers took him out of that prison, along with other superheros.

You see Bucky and Sharon look between the two of you, torn between how these Hydra criminals should receive their fate. Staring into the hot depths of flames or rotting alone in a cell? Both seem to be too merciful, in Bucky’s opinion.

“This isn’t just running the facility or experiments, Sam. This is different. They were using dark magic to commit crimes. Maybe they should face the consequences of a dark-magic-punishment.” Sharon offers.

You don’t have time to be shocked at Sharon agreeing with you and picking your side before Bucky agrees and Sam is outnumbered. He stares at you and gives a single nod, allowing you to do this your way.

You smile, a silent thank you for giving you the closure and opportunity to serve justice to those who did you harm. “Off to Massachusetts, then.” You tell them, and Sam takes his seat in the pilot's chair, Bucky accompanying him in the front of the jet.

You take a seat, making yourself comfortable for the flight to Salem and you feel a body take the seat next to you. You glance up to see Sharon looking at you, but you notice she has something in her hand, offering it to you.

You look down to see a small plastic bag of fruit gummies. But not just any fruit gummies, you realize. Halloween themed fruit gummies. The pictures on the outside show the various options inside: witch’s hat, a broom stick, a melting pot, a vial, and a magic wand. Hilarious.

You take the gummies, though, accepting her attempt at a truce.

It’s not long before you and your temporary teammates find themselves standing before a large, empty field, multiple wooden stakes standing about fifteen feet tall scattered about with plenty of space in between.

You lead the walk to a group of them standing tall in line, so the men can be burned at the same time, as opposed to one by one. A group of large, burly agents lug the Hydra operatives along, behind you and the rest of the team.

Bucky hangs around your left, as to not be in the way of the black umbrella held in your right hand, and Sam and Sharon trail behind you. You can sense their uneasiness and tune out their worried thoughts. Everyone’s first burning is always an experience; they’ll get over it.

Bucky doesn’t seem worried, though. In fact, you can’t hear his thoughts this time around. But he still stands tall and straight, walking with confidence, so you make a safe assumption that he’s okay.

None of the men’s cuffs or shackles are removed, but thick rope is tied on top of it, around the wrist and looped around the waist, tying them to the stake. The cuffs are special grade - high tech Avengers vibranium - and they can be retrieved later once the fire burns out.

“Any last words?” You ask, more for tradition than whether or not you actually care.

They look scared, obviously not expecting their fate to look anything like this. You remember seeing Bucky tackle one of them in the facility, prying his mouth open to rip out a tooth, or what looked like a tooth, like a dog caught eating something it wasn’t supposed to. A cyanide pill.

Silence comes from them, except for one of them, “Hail Hydra!” He yells, as if that cowardly and pathetic phrase would change anything.

With a raise of your hand, seemingly with no effort, you wave it and the stakes all begin to rise up in flames. There’s nothing to spark, no twigs, no gasoline, nothing, and Bucky watches as the flames rise, growing stronger as they engulf the five men. They begin to scream, and Bucky looks over at you, as if to confirm you didn’t bring gasoline or something with you, and he sees a smile slowly grow on your lips.

They haven’t stopped screaming; they’re still alive when you turn and begin to walk back the way everyone came. Bucky follows, and eventually Sam and Sharon do, too, the other agents staying behind until the end to retrieve the cuffs and shackles that will survive the fire.

“So, now what?” Sharon asks, the air quieter as the screams have slowly stopped in the distance.

I can’t imagine what kind of paperwork follows this, “Back to the tower.” Sam responds.

“The coven’s only a short walk from here.” You say, not needing to elaborate much more. The men have been caught and brought to justice, but you still have a broken, battered, and beaten down coven to fix.

A friend of yours was meant to go by and retrieve the… bodies. Which you’re grateful for. But magic won’t help you fix the walls, the floors, mop the blood, or find other witches in need of an escape and a place to improve and master their powers. You have a lot of work to do.

As the view of the jet gets closer, you prepare to bid your goodbyes to the Avengers, your thank you’s as well. Regardless of your attitude towards them before, you couldn’t have done this without them.

A metal hand engulfs yours, pulling you back a bit as Sam and Sharon continue on.

“Do you need any help?” Bucky’s warm and gentle voice floods your ears, hand still in yours.

“You guys have been more than enough help, now, really.” You try to tell him, but he has none of it.

“You may be tough, but you can’t fix up that house by yourself,” He tells you, “I can be pretty handy, fixed up a few things back in my day.” A soft smile grows on his face.

You glance over his shoulder as Sam and Sharon wait by the entrance of the jet, “Don’t you have to go back?”

“They won’t miss me.” He tells you, not even looking back to confirm with his teammates, hand dropping to run it through his hair.

You giggle at him, before giving him a shy nod in answer to his offer to help you fix up your big house.

“I’m going to hang out here for a few days.” He yells over his shoulder.

“We figured.” Sam calls out, and Sharon throws you a wave as they board the jet, the opening close after them.

“Lead the way?” Bucky offers you, taking your hand once more, interlocking the fingers this time.

And so the two of you are off, one of your hands still clutching the umbrella, holding it above your head, and the other hand interlaced with the one of a handsome and kind super soldier. This wasn’t the way Bucky expected the last two days to transpire, but he’s glad they led to holding the hand of a very pretty witch.

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Flatbush & Atlantic: part x

part i part ii part iii part iv part v part vi part vii part viii part ix

And we’ve finally come to the end of Cass and Mat’s story! I want to thank every person who’s read this over the past few months, especially those of you who have reblogged, commented, and shared this with your friends. Your feedback means the world to me, and please tell me what you think of this final part! I’ve also got some ideas floating around for an epilogue, so don’t be surprised if that pops up in the next few weeks.

part x

May 21 (fri)

For once, it wasn’t Cass’ alarm that woke her up. Her internal clock didn’t let her sleep in past 6, but as she lay in her bed, comforter pulled up to her chin and curls up in a haphazard messy bun, a realization struck her. She didn’t have anything to do, and that was just about as far from normal for her as possible. Normally, she’d be hopping in the shower at this time, getting out and shoveling some cereal down her throat before running to catch the train, or desperately trying to finish some last-minute reading before an early lecture. Her grandparents’ flight didn’t land at JFK until 1, and she wouldn’t need to leave until an hour before that to get Mat and drive to the airport. 

Padding out to the kitchen, she just caught Ryanne, who was about to leave for a clinical rotation. “What department are you in this month?” Cass asked.

“OB/GYN,” Ryanne responded. “I got to observe a birth the other day, and it was one of my favorite things I’ve gotten to do so far. Obviously I don’t know for sure yet, but I think I might want to match into it. You get to do a little bit of everything — there’s some surgery, some routine care, some deliveries. And with the Black maternal health crisis, I figure we need all the Black OBs we can get as a country.” 

Cass smiled. “That’s wonderful, I’m glad to hear.” She knew that Ryanne had been a little stressed out with the prospect of trying to pick a residency; she hadn’t felt drawn to any of the other rotations she’d gone through quite like this one. 

“What about you? What’s your schedule like today?” Ryanne asked as she poured coffee into her travel mug. 

Cass flopped down on the couch, looking over at her. “It’s just...I have nothing to do. Nothing needs to get done. No cases to read, no essays to finish, no paperwork to file or anything. Chris gave me this week off for finals anyways, so I couldn’t even go into the office if I wanted to because there’s just nothing for me to do. Do you know how rare that is for me?”

Ryanne laughed. “Cass, I’m in med school. The last time I had a true ‘off day’ was two weeks ago, and even then I spent most of it studying.” She slung her backpack over one shoulder. “See you tonight, have a good day, babe!”

After some toast and a smoothie, Cass was back on the couch, trying desperately to think of something to do. She thrived on being busy, thrived on feeling like she was needed and contributing to something worthwhile. Pushing herself up, she walked back to her room, deciding to change and go out for a run. Cass liked to keep in shape and exercise as often as she could, even though it had been a few years since she had been on an organized sports team. She was usually able to make yoga classes at the school gym twice a week, but typically didn’t have the spare time in the mornings for a run. And by the time she got back it was almost always dark, way too late to even think about going out alone. 

Lacing up her tennis shoes and grabbing her AirPods and keys, she set out, down the stairs and past the door. As she jogged down the streets, making familiar turn after familiar turn, Cass realized something remarkably profound. Every place she passed had played a part in the last three years. St. Lucy’s, where she had stumbled in with inconsolable tears after her abuelo’s stroke, lighting a candle and praying with some old Italian woman for his recovery. The bodega on the corner run by Carlos Gonzalez, one of the first people she met when she moved to the city and the only one who knew how to smoosh her sandwiches down how she likes. The Edible Arrangements where she, Stella, and Ryanne had bought Alicia a congratulatory fruit bouquet for finally asking out her coworker Juliette. They had been dating for six months. The high school she passed every morning on her way to the subway station. These were the people and places that had made her life what it was, and she owed them her thanks. 

An hour and five miles later, Cass decided to call it quits, walking the last few blocks back to the apartment as a sort of cool-down. She jumped in the shower, throwing her hair up in a towel once she got out and resigning herself to watching whatever was on TV. Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives it was, apparently. Four episodes and one snack break later, it was time to get in the car to head over and pick up Mat. Cass drove down Manhattan Island, tapping her fingers in boredom as she hit yet more traffic. It was noon, why was there even traffic in the first place? She pulled into the visitor’s spot in the underground lot of Mat’s apartment complex, taking out her phone. Just got here! Mat popped out of the elevator a few minutes later, holding a bouquet of tulips. “Sorry I’m late, I was going back and forth between tulips and sunflowers for awhile, but I figured the pink was maybe a better choice? What do you think?” Cass started to laugh, and Mat looked offended. “What?”

“Babe, it’s so sweet that you want to impress my grandma, but have you thought about how the poor flowers will fare?”

His brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Cass adjusted her seatbelt, leaning over. “We’re going to be out for awhile. We’re not going straight back to their hotel. So…” she prompted.

“They’ll wilt.” Mat finished, his face falling. 

She covered his hand with her own. “Don’t worry. It’s a sweet gesture and I’m sure she’ll appreciate them. We’re all going out for dinner after the ceremony tomorrow, why don’t you bring them then?” 

He perked up. “I’ll run up and put them back in a vase, be back in a few!” Mat gave Cass a quick peck on her cheek, leaving her with just one question. Mat owned vases? He slid back into the passenger’s seat shortly after, clicking his seatbelt in and connecting his phone to the speakers. 

Cass rolled her eyes. “I don’t know a single guy your age who’s not obsessed with John Mayer. It’s kind of weird, honestly.”

“You don’t like him?” Mat asked curiously. Cass was usually into more guitar-based, acoustic stuff, so he figured she’d be into at least some of his stuff. 

“Some of it,” Cass responded, pulling out of the lot and onto the street. “Go ahead and play it, I don’t mind at all. Not what I’d usually put on if I’m alone, that’s all.”

Mat nodded, looking absentmindedly out the window. “So, what should I know about your grandparents?”

Cass’ face immediately burst into a smile at their mention. It was always so clear how much she loved her family, and that was one of Mat’s favorite things about her. How hard she loved. “Alright, so it’s Dolores and Roberto Cabrera. They’re wonderful people, I genuinely think you’re going to like them a lot. They’re both super fluent in English, so don’t worry about communication. They originally immigrated to Texas when they were in their teens, abuela was a housekeeper at a few hotels in San Antonio and abuelo worked in the fields for awhile before getting a job at a little hardware store in town, where he worked until they retired. My mom’s the middle of four, two older sisters and a younger brother.”Mat listened intently. “My abuelo’s a little more rough around the edges, so don’t be surprised if he gives you  a little bit of a hard time, but it’s not out of malice or anything. He’s always been very protective over us, my mom and her siblings, and now us three. He might do the whole ‘nobody’s good enough for my Cassidy” thing, but he’ll get over it. He means well.” 

She glanced over at Mat, who was looking decidedly nervous. “Seriously, chou, it’s going to be fine. Abuela’s totally different, they’re like polar opposites. I can almost guarantee that she’ll say something to the effect of ‘if my granddaughter loves you, I love you.’ Very much go with the flow, she’ll probably want to come over to your apartment and cook for you.” Her expression softened. “As long as you’re kind and respectful, they won’t have an issue with you, Mat. They’ll see that you treat me how I deserve to be treated and love me like I deserve to be loved.”

Cass pulled into the garage by the international arrivals terminal, cutting the gas and checking the time. “The flight was supposed to land at one, so they should be getting out of passport control by the time we get inside.” It was a little after one thirty, but if there was anything Cass knew, it was just how long customs could take at an airport as big as JFK. Even in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, and even though her grandparents were travelling on their American passports and could use the citizen’s line, she had heard that it could take upwards of an hour or two to get through. 

The concourse was pretty bare apart from a few kiosks selling “I ❤️ NY” shirts and a surprisingly busy Noah’s Bagels, so Mat and Cass made themselves comfortable on one of the rows of plastic chairs lining the room. The arrivals screen had marked their flight from Mexico City as having landed nearly an hour prior, so it was little surprise when Cass popped up from the chair, straightening her shirt and walking over to a couple that he could only assume were her grandparents. Mat quickly followed, catching up to her just as she threw her arms around her grandma. “Abuela, te extrañé,” she said, the sound muffled by Dolores’ scarf. She pulled back, kissing her grandpa on the cheek before stepping over to Mat, one hand placed reassuringly on his back. “Abuela, abuelo, this is Mat, my boyfriend.”

Mat stuck his hand out, shaking theirs. “Mr. and Mrs. Cabrera, it’s so amazing to finally meet you. Cass speaks so highly of you, and she always talks about her summers in Hermosillo.” 

Dolores pulled Mat in, embracing him from the start just as Cass had expected. “Mat, it’s wonderful to finally meet you. Cassidy has told us so much about you, it’s clear she loves you a great deal.”

Mat ducked his head and blushed. “I’m not sure if she can love me more than I love her, but I’m happy to be in such good company.” 

He took both of their suitcases as Cass gestured to the sliding doors. “I want to get back to the car before they charge me for another half hour,” she said. 

Mat slid the bags in the trunk of the car as Dolores got in the passenger’s seat. With a gulp, Mat realized that meant he had to sit next to Roberto. He had been perfectly nice on the walk over, but as Cass had warned him, it was clear that he was a little guarded. Whether that was just his personality or whether Mat had yet to earn his trust hadn’t been determined. 

Her grandparents had been to New York once or twice before, but it had almost always been just to fly in before driving up to visit Cass’ family in Connecticut; they had never really been able to see the city. Cass  felt strongly that that had to change, so she had arranged for a mini-tour of Manhattan before they got dropped off at their hotel for the night. “So, Mat,” Dolores said, turning around in her chair, “Cassidy tells us you’re a hockey player? That must be so exciting, how long have you been playing?”

Mat nodded. “Yes ma’am. I play for the Islanders, so we’re right here in Brooklyn, but I live over in Manhattan. I’ve been playing the sport since I was four or so? Really little. But I just finished my fourth season on the Islanders. And it is exciting, I love being with my team and being on the ice, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.” 

“That must keep you busy, though?” Roberto asked gruffly. 

Mat froze. He couldn’t lie and say that he was home all the time, able to be there for Cass as often as he’d like to, because he wasn’t. But if he let on just how often he was gone, would that make him even more wary? “Oftentimes, yes,” Mat began slowly. “The team’s usually on two or so road trips a month, they’re usually about a week long. But they’re balanced out with plenty of home games, and there’s lots of guys who balance the job with a family and other responsibilities. I’m always excited to be able to be back in New York, I love it here. And to be with Cass.” Roberto nodded, not seemingly totally satisfied but content enough to not push the issue further. 

“He’s really good about spending time with me, abuelo, even though we’ve both got busy schedules,” Cass added, catching Roberto’s eye in the rearview mirror. “We meet in the morning before a class to get coffee, or lunch in between studying if I’ve got time. I go to every game I’m able to when he’s playing here in the city, or over in Jersey. We spend plenty of time together, he doesn’t blow me off. You don’t have to worry.” He seemed much more at ease with his granddaughter’s response. 

It was a whirlwind three hours around New York, Cass playing chauffeur as they went to the top of the Empire State Building — her pick — in St. Patrick’s Cathedral  — her grandpa’s pick — and around Central Park, stopping at one of the many pretzel carts for a snack. They dropped them off at the hotel, Cass’ eyes getting misty as her grandma pulled out the serape stole from her purse. Her fingers danced over the colors, the stripes of red and blue and pink and green, and knowing that it was made by the hands of someone so important to her made it all the more beautiful. The rest of her family was driving in later that night, after Nick got out of school, so everyone wouldn’t be together until the graduation ceremony the next day. 

The couple decided to get takeout on the way back to Mat’s apartment, Mat jumping out of the car to run in and pick up the order while Cass circled the block until he was out. As they sat on the couch, cuddled into each other as they broke into the boxes of Chinese food, Cass thought absentmindedly that Mat handled his chopsticks way better than she ever would have given him credit for. Her grandparents had been on her mind. More specifically, her grandparents and Mat had been on her mind. It wasn’t that she thought he had messed up in any way — she was positive he’d absolutely won over her grandma and her grandpa was slowly but surely coming around — but some lingering concerns about what they might think about their relationship. “I’m not sure that they’d actually care, but when you talk to them tomorrow maybe don’t mention how often I sleep over here? They’re wonderful people, but they’re a little old school about this stuff.” 

“This stuff?” Mat asked curiously. 

“Living together, sex before marriage, that kind of stuff.” 

“And how do you feel about it?” 

Cass raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you think you could ever get me to do something I didn’t want to do? I’m way too stubborn for that.” Mat threw his head back, laughing. “But seriously. I don’t make the decision lightly, because commitment and intimacy in that way is something really big and important to me. You already knew that I don’t do hookups, it’s just not my thing. But I can see this, us, going places. I want us to go places. And I’ve never been very good at listening to people when I don’t want to. So I’ve made my peace that my choices might not be ones everyone would be thrilled with, but it doesn’t really matter to me as long as I have you.” 

Mat nodded, putting down his food to card one hand through her curls. “I get that, I do. Obviously that’s not so much the attitude with a lot of the boys, but your principles are part of what makes you who you are, and I love who you are. Every part of you.” Cass smiled against his neck, leaning down and kissing him on the shoulder. “I want us to go places too, I hope you know that.”

“Glad to hear.”

They ate without speaking for a few more minutes until Mat broke the silence. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” 

“With you,” Cass answered honestly. “Here, or we could get a nice brownstone over in Brooklyn.” 

“Somewhere with a yard,” Mat mused. 

“Yeah, a yard would be nice,” Cass agreed. “I’d like to get a dog, I’ve always grown up with dogs and it would be nice to have someone to keep me company when you’re gone.” Her family’s two dogs, Patches and Scout, were back at the house in Connecticut, and on more than one occasion, Cass had made the two-hour drive up just to see them. She paused, glancing down at her hands. “In five years? You’d better have put a ring on my finger by then, Mat. I’ll be almost thirty. Approaching old maid status” 

Mat laughed, an easy, breathy sort of laugh that somehow erased all of the tension in the room. “I think you should double-hyphen.” 

Cass looked at him doubtfully. “Cabrera-Shaw-Barzal? Yeah, I’m going to have to pass on that one.” 

He shrugged, the corner of his lip pulled up in a half-smile. “Just saying. It’s got a ring to it.”

“Have you given much thought to what you’d want to do with your name when you get married?” Mat asked curiously. It really didn’t matter much to him, since it would ultimately be Cass’ decision, but he didn’t want to assume anything regardless. And it didn’t escape Cass that he said when, as if it was certain, as if it was a given. The surety made her heart flutter. 

Cass shook her head. “Not particularly. On one hand, I do like the idea of the whole family having the same name. It seems nice. Unified. But I don’t want to feel like I’m erasing my culture and who I am just because I’m getting married. And all due respect, chou,” Cass poked Mat’s cheek, “but Cabrera Shaw’s the name on my degrees. Cassidy Barzal didn’t go to law school.”

“Very fair,” Mat said with a chuckle. 

Cass took a deep breath. If it seemed like they were having the “future talk,” she figured it was best to go all in. “Do you want kids?” she asked, tentatively, hesitantly. It was obvious that Mat was good with kids, she’d seen as much, but being good with kids and wanting children of your own were two very different things. Cass had wanted to be a mom since she knew what a mom was, and even though they probably should have brought up the topic earlier, she wasn’t sure what she’d do if he said no. Thank God, she never had to find out. 

“Definitely,” Mat said, nodding. “Not now, obviously, we’re young and haven’t really settled down yet. If you got pregnant we’d make it work, but I don’t think either of us is looking to be parents right away. But in a couple years, once we’re married and have a proper house with space...Yeah, I’d like to have kids.” He looked over at Cass. “What about you?”

“Always wanted kids,” Cass responded fondly. “I loved growing up with siblings, and I know my parents were the same way. Two or three, I think. I’ve thought about adoption too, but obviously that’s way in the future.”

Mat kissed the top of her head. “We’ve got time.”

 May 22 (sat)

 The graduation ceremony itself wasn’t until noon, so Cass had more than enough time to get ready after waking up at 7. Alicia barrelled into her room at exactly 7:22, throwing a shirt at her and telling her to get dressed. Cass stumbled out of the room ten minutes later, pulling on socks and grabbing her phone from the charger by her door. “What are you guys trying to pull?” she asked, yawning and trying to wipe the sleep out of her eyes. 

“Uh, we’re going to the diner, duh,” Stella said with a smile, tossing Cass her purse. “Come on! You know it fills up early on weekends.” Glen’s Diner had become an apartment staple over the past few years, the restaurant having been the first place the four of them had eaten in the city when they moved, not having bought groceries yet and not wanting to pay the premium for delivery. It was cheap, open 24/7, and Cass would swear up and down that their blueberry pancakes were the best she’d ever had. 

They were seated just after 8, happily slurping coffee and stealing bites of each other’s breakfast twenty minutes later. It was a nice day and hadn’t gotten too hot yet, so they decided to walk back after finishing the meal. In reality, “going back” meant Alicia stopping to buy a new necklace, listening to a busker for a few minutes, and petting no fewer than five dogs on the one-mile walk. There was still plenty of time before they had to leave for the ceremony, but after Cass did her makeup and tamed her curls, there was just enough time to watch an episode of Parks & Rec before having to actually get her stuff together. Not as flexible as she once had been, Ryanne helped zip up the back of her dress, a white lace bodycon from her sorority days that she had definitely worn to at least two semiformals. Hey, Cass thought as she straightened her hemline, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 

She had ironed her robe and put it into a dress bag the night before, and gently folded her school stole and the serape from her abuela into her purse. Mat’s necklace hadn’t left its place since Valentine’s. Her dad’s parents had given her a beautiful pair of pearl studs for her undergraduate graduation, and it felt only right to wear them for her next step. She fastened the ankle straps on her heels, and popped her head out to the living room. “Everyone ready?” She was met with a chorus of “yeses,” and grabbed her keys from their dish by the front door. 

“Let’s go get our girl graduated!” Alicia hollered into the street. 

The girls had originally objected to Cass driving herself to her own graduation, but relented as soon as Cass reminded them that she was the only one who knew where to find the free parking, and the rest of them only drove sedans. “Cheryl has way more room. Y’all want to be cramped on purpose?” 

“Fair point,” Stella had said begrudgingly. 

Exactly twenty-six minutes later, Cass pulled into a spot about two blocks away from the arena where she would be graduating in an hour’s time, hugging each of her friends as Ryanne handed her the dress bag. “You’re going to kill it in there,” she said, rubbing her back. 

Cass laughed. “Ry, all I’ve got to do is walk across a stage without tripping.”

She shrugged. “It’s a fine art that few have mastered.” 

Cass entered through the side, flashing her ID to the security guard standing by the door. Half an hour later, everyone had been ushered into their seats, carefully arranged in alphabetical order. For the most part, Cass was friendly with everyone in her class; if they weren’t outwardly hostile to her, she saw no reason why they deserved anything other than kindness, but was relieved to see Robin sitting next to her. “You excited?” Robin asked, brushing a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear. The lobby doors must have opened, because as she asked, crowds started to mill into the seats, waving at anyone who would catch their eye. 

Cass bounced her head. “I am, but it’s kind of surreal, you know? I knew we’d get to this point, obviously. It’s what we’ve been working towards for seven years, really. But the idea that it all essentially comes down to this…”

“An hour, a few handshakes, and a piece of paper,” Robin helpfully supplied. 

She nodded. “Yeah. It’s almost anticlimactic in a way? Like sure, we’ve got our JDs after this, but knowing we’ve still got to pass the bar. We’re not over the finish line yet.”

“Columbia has a 97% pass rate, and you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, Cass. And I’ve spent three years surrounded by the smartest people I’ve ever met.”

“Fair,” Cass said, “it’s just kind of a weird feeling, you know?” Robin nodded. “And plus, for most of us, we’ve pretty much spent our whole lives in school. Aside from positions as summer associates, or part-time jobs and internships, we don’t really know how to do anything other than school. It’s just a little bit of a daunting thought to suddenly feel like we’re being thrown out to the wolves without really knowing what to expect.” Cass’ phone, which she wasn’t technically supposed to have but had snuck in anyways, chose that moment to buzz with a text notification. It was from Mat.

Met up with the crew! Can’t wait to see you walk across that stage, Cass. I love you and we’re all so proud of you. Mat had attached a photo of everyone she had brought with her — both sets of grandparents, her parents and siblings, and roommates. 

“Your boyfriend is nauseatingly cute,” Robin observed, looking over her shoulder at the message. 

Cass laughed. “That’s true, but I knew what I was getting myself into.” The music started ten minutes later, and the ceremony began. If Cass was being honest, she didn’t really remember much of anything from the first half of the ceremony, before the conferral of diplomas. She was so excited and nervous and unbelievably ready all at the same time that all she recalled from the dean’s speech and the student speeches were vague comments about their “awesome responsibility” and “duty to pursue truth and justice” and “commitment to fight for what is right over what is easy.” 

As soon as she realized it, her row was being ushered into line to receive their diplomas. “Cassidy María Cabrera Shaw.” She heard her name, but really had no clue who had spoken it. The dean? One of her professors? As Cass walked up the steps and across the stage, the only thing she could think was don’t trip don’t trip don’t trip. Then she was handed a diploma, flashed a brilliant smile for the photographer, and shook hand after hand after hand before walking off the other side of the stage. She was pretty sure she could hear Mat and Noah yelling their congratulations from her seat on the floor. 

Having a name towards the front of the alphabet meant that Cass was almost always called on quickly in class, or on roll call, or at graduation, as the case was. But that meant that she had to sit, quietly and politely, for the other four hundred names to be called. And it took awhile. After Robin Cahill came Wesley Coleman, then Samuel Cogswell, then Fiona Chan. Cass didn’t mind having to sit through the whole thing, especially when Fiona, Les, Samaira, and her other friends crossed the stage — she cheered as much as anybody — but it was a long time to be sitting in a folding chair and the thousands of people packed into a small space didn’t help her temperature regulation. 

There was the benediction and congratulations, and then the recessional of the graduates. Graduates, Cass thought. She was a graduate. She had finished, she was done, she had accomplished the one thing she wanted most to do since she was a little girl watching Legally Blonde for the first time, looking at Elle Woods and thinking I can do that. And she had. Her feet carried her to the back room of their own accord, where she picked up her bag and was engulfed in a flurry of hugs, congratulations, and kisses on the cheek from her friends, the people who she had spent countless late nights in the library with, bar hopping to celebrate the end of finals, and afternoons on each other’s apartment couches, yelling fact patterns at each other and trying to come up with an analysis before the timer went off.  

Following the stream of sky blue graduation gowns, Cass walked outside, waving at her family when she spotted Eliana hanging off of a lamppost in the courtyard to get a better view. Her sister nearly tackled her as she made her way to the group. “Cass. I already knew you were brilliant, and I still think  you’re the smartest out of any of us,” she gestured between the two of them and Noah, “but now you’ve got the degree to prove it. I’m so proud of you.” 

Noah was next. “You worked hard, and I know how badly you wanted this. You’re a really good sister.” He wasn’t usually a big talker, and Cass’ eyes definitely got a little misty as he spoke. He had verbally committed to Minnesota State the week before, and Mat might have been more excited than even Cass when he heard the news. It was an incredible program that had a serious track record of sending players to the NHL, and she was so proud to see her little brother doing what he loved. Her mom and both grandmas were crying, as expected, and Grandpa Joe wrapped her up in a hug as soon as he got the chance. 

Mat had been hanging towards the back of the crowd, not wanting to feel like he was intruding on family time, until her dad nudged him forward. “Go say hi to your girl, Mat,” Patrick said.

“Will do,” Mat said, squeezing Cass’ hand and pressing a quick kiss to the top of her head. “Sometimes it blows my mind how incredible you are,” he said. “Everyone’s already said how smart you are, and every bit of that is true. But you’re so much more than that, you know?” His thumb rubbed over her hand. “You’re beautiful, and curious, and you always keep me on my toes. You’re so passionate about your work, and you’ve got the biggest heart out of anyone I know. You’ve never met a person you didn’t want to help. And I promise I’m not biased just because I’m in love with you.” 

Cass gave a watery laugh, blinking and thanking God she had the foresight to wear waterproof mascara. “God, I love you, Mat.”

Her dad had always been the picture type, insisting on documenting every waking moment. He was the living embodiment of “pics or it didn’t happen,” for better or worse. He took a few of her with her law school friends, then Alicia snapped one with just her immediate family, then there was one with everyone. Cass also got a picture with Mat, where he was bending down to kiss her, the tassel on her mortarboard just barely brushing his nose. Then she was in one with all of the seniors on the law review, and a friend pulled her away for a few with the Latinx Student Association. By the time they finally managed to tear Patrick away from his camera, it was time to head back to the hotel and get ready for dinner. 

Mat got Patrick to send him the photo of him and Cass, and was about to post it on Instagram when he hesitated. “Hey, is it cool if I post this?” Mat said, showing Cass his phone. Most people knew who she was, and he had posted pictures of her before, but they had never been this obvious, this clear, this real. 

“Go for it.”

Mat pressed post. So, so proud of my incredible girlfriend @casscshaw for graduating law school. You’re one of the smartest, most empathetic people I know, and you’re going to make an amazing lawyer. 

Cass grinned, a big, genuine smile as she was surrounded by her family, the people who meant the most to her — whether they were related or not. She looked up at Mat, who was smiling softly down at her as he reached one hand up to fix her tassel. “What’s next?”

[harry-styles-sunflower]

Wandering Hands Part 4

Hellooo everyone! I hope you are all having a lovely day! SO this is Part 4 of Wandering Hands.

What it is: You and Harry become friends but you come with certain baggage that might make any other man run.

Word count: 7.5k (longest part i’ve ever written ahh)

Warning: Cursing and smut (lmk if I forgot one!)

This part is ~juicy~ ALSO! New character alert, if you want to picture somebody, i picture zach roerig 

Pls reblog if you like it :) Thanks in advance for the support! Feedback is always helpful, I love hearing from you all!

♡♡♡

“Yes and no, I mean I still have to get to know you more Harry. Trust doesn't come overnight, it takes time.” You sigh  

“You act like we haven't spoken all day and night for the past two months.” His tone has changed to agitated.

“Okay, we have but still. I don't want you meeting Sam for a while.” You tried to get him to understand now with remaining calm.

“Why not though?” He pushed.

“Harry stop questioning me it's my decision,” you raise your voice a little. You were growing agitated now.

“You act like I'm a horrible person or like I'm not worthy of meeting him. You sit there and scoff at me while I try to have some fucking interest in your life” he remarked at you. Him cursing towards you pushed all buttons for you.

“Damn it harry how the fuck am I supposed to know you'll stick around? How do I know that if I introduce you two now that you wont just leave and he'll have to overcome a second heartbreak of getting over another man in his life?” you said a bit louder. He looks at you and slowly realizing the whole situation. He stays quiet for a bit and looks down.

“I'm sorry you're right. I understand. I shouldn’t have pushed it,” You sigh and he walks over to you and hugs you.

“Ive never done this before Harry, I wanna do it right,” you lay your head against his chest and wrap your arms around his waist.

“I know love, I know. I just got excited. I like you a lot so meeting someone else like you got me excited,” he squeezed you.

“Thank you. I appreciate that. And don’t curse at me in anger, I don't do relationships like that,” you stated. You didn’t, not even with Michael, you never cursed towards each other. Maybe about other people but never about each other.

“Sorry wasn’t very gentleman of me,” he kissed your head.

“I forgive you. If we want to do this we have to communicate well, and calm. Im sorry for scoffing at you. It was rude, and you didn’t deserve it. I could’ve came out differently,” you looked up at him.

“Thank you and you're right. Communication is key. But uh, does this mean you've been thinking of breaking up, like since you said the whole thing about what if I don’t stay..”

“No Harry, but I have to take precaution. It’s not that I’m coming into this relationship expecting it to end but my guard is up a bit. Trust and time will help bring it down.”

“Okay,” he lifted a finger underneath your chin and gave you a soft kiss, “I don’t intend on leaving you know.” He said against your lips.

“I know,” you pressed your lips against his. He pushed your lips more against his by holding your head in place.

“Our breakfast has gotten all cold, want to go out and grab something from the bakery down the road?” He kisses your forehead. He somehow always gave you instant relief with his kisses.

“That sounds amazing,” you get your shoes on and were out the door. Harry lent you a hoodie, your cardigan from last night wasn't going to cut it in this weather. You weren’t going to give him this back. You two walked out his house together, hand in hand.

“What’s Sam’s favorite snack?” He asks as you walk.

“Week before last it was cosmo brownies, last week it was Rice Krispie treats, I don’t know what this week will be,” you laughed, “he has my taste buds.”

“I’ll be taking note,” he kissed your hand.

“Are you and Gemma close? I figure since you had makeup wipes in your bathroom she was here recently?”

“Yeah like two months before we met she had visited, she’s one of my best friends. We text everyday,” he looked around the street. It wasn’t very busy. Just a few people walking their dogs.

“That’s nice, I hope Sam can have that one day. If not with a sister a best friend you know?” He nodded. Maybe you shouldn’t have brought up kids so early in the morning. You two walked into the bakery and it smelled like flour and chocolate. It was a cute small mom and pop shop. You were looking at their options on their small paper menu when you heard your name.

"y/n?" you've heard this voice before. Probably haven't heard it in two years.

"Matt?" you turned towards him. Harry turned towards you two. He had blonde hair and was tall, around Harry's height. Blue eyes and crooked smile. He was Michael's best friend. He took care of you for a bit after Michael died. 'A bit' being three years, then they sent him overseas again. You two instantly hugged. He still smelled the same. He was still tan so he must've just gotten back.

"It's been so long," you wiped a few tears that had escaped. You were so happy he made it back home.

"I know, we have to catch up, how's Sam? He must be huge!" he said with a wide smile.

"He is! You left him when he was at my hip and now he's almost at my ribs. He's going to be tall. We have to catch up though, maybe tomorrow. After school?" you asked.

"Yeah! I can do that," he smiled at you.

"When'd you get back?" Harry was the jealous type that was in extreme denial of being the jealous type. So he stood there uncomfortably as you spoke to your friend. Too close of a friend for him. He watched the way Matt looked at you and he didn't like it. He also didn't like the way he hugged you. So he coughed. You turned around and grabbed his hand. "Wait, Matt. This is Harry, Harry this is Matt. He was Michael's best friend." you explained.

"Nice to meet you man," he shook Harry's hand before answering your question, "I just got back two days ago, was going to text you today or tomorrow actually."

"I'm happy you're home," you said knowing he knew what you meant. He knew you meant you were happy he didn't have the same fate as Michael.

"Me too," he looked over at Harry and gave you a questioning look.

"So Matt, Harry is my boyfriend," you smiled up at him, and Harry looked down at you smiling. It was still a little weird for you to say. You weren't used to it yet. Matt nodded as you spoke.

"That's great y/n, I'm really happy for you. You deserve it," he said genuinely. You smiled at him.

"She's a keeper man, she was great wife, even better mother." Harry squeezed you closer to him.

"Yeah mate, I don't intend on letting her go,"

"Oh shit, you're British, that's pretty fucking cool." he laughed. Harry nodded and you rubbed his back.

"The accent is just about the only cool thing," they both laughed.

"Alright well I have to go, I'll text you later y/n, nice meeting you Harry," he hugged you and kissed your head and shook hands with Harry. Harry who was trying very hard to contain himself. After this morning he didn't want to push you away even more. Matt left and you decided on what you were going to get.

"I think I'm going to get a cream cheese bagel and a croissant on the side, oh and tea. We didn't finish ours"  you told Harry.

"Me too," he ordered for you two and you sat at a small table waiting.

"He was nice," Harry spoke up first.

"Yeah he is, him and Michael were practically brothers. They both never had siblings. I consider him like my brother in law, he took care of Sam and I for like three years after Michael passed. They needed him though and I was a lot better than I was in the beginning so I told him to go and he left," he listened to you as you spoke.

"How long have you known him, like since you were 15 too?" he looked outside the window.

"Nah, I met him after Michael got back from training, so like for 11 years now?" he nodded.

"Does he have a wife too?" he asked right before they brought our food out.

"No, I set him up with someone I met while I was in school, college, and they were together for a bit, but um she saw what happened to Michael and said she wouldn't be able to handle if that happened to Matt so they broke up." you took a bite of your bagel.

"That kind of stinks, finding someone, loving them, and then them leaving you because they think you'll have a similar fate as your friend," he sipped his tea.

"Yeah, I understand both sides. She's missing out on a great man now because its been five years and he's still alive," you sipped your tea.

"So you plan on hanging out with him tomorrow?" he wipes his mouth of cream cheese with a napkin.

"Yeah probably, Sam's going to be so happy. He calls him Uncle Matt," you smiled, "does that bother you? That I'm going to hang out with him?" you asked.

"Oh no love it's okay, I understand." he really wished you wouldn't. He wished he could hang out with you and Sam instead.

"Thank you for understanding," you reached over and grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

"What time do you have to be home by?" he asked.

"Ugh, sounds like I have a curfew," you laughed, "But usually they drop him off around noon so I have to go soon," you pouted.

"Wish you didn't have to," he said honestly. You agreed. You two had finished your breakfast and you walked back to his house. You had about an hour left to be with him before you had to go. You walked in hand in hand and when he closed his door you pulled him close to you and leaned up to kiss him. He kissed you back with need and leaned you up against his wall.

"Want you," you breathed into the kiss.

"Need you," he responded. He leaned his head down and kissed your neck. He was becoming addicting. You pressed your hips against his and he groaned.

"Harry," you moaned.

"Yes love?" he bit under your earlobe.

"Let me do what I wanted to do last night," you reached down in between you two and grabbed his length.

"Don't tell me twice," he grinned before placing his mouth on yours again. He led you back to his room without taking his mouth off yours. He fell back against his bed and you climbed on top of him. You grabbed his hands and intertwined your fingers. You brought them above his head and kissed at his neck. He was loving this. You kissed down his neck to his chest. You put your hands under his shirt and rubbed near his butterfly. He hissed because your hands were a bit cold from outside. You lift his shirt up slightly and kissed around his butterfly and down to his ferns. You tugged his gray sweats down and kissed at the waistband of his boxers. You rubbed him through the thin material before pulling it down. He propped himself up on his elbows to watch you. You loved pleasuring others, it wasn't something you fell short in. You released him from his boxers and he sighed. You began pumping him slowly and licked his tip placing him flat against your tongue. You licked up and down his shaft a few times before taking him slowly into your mouth. Your gag reflux was minimal he'd soon find out. Your left hand rubbed his balls while your right pumped him slowly. You spit lightly on the tip causing him to moan at the view in front of him. You slowly deepthroated him earning a louder groan and he put his hands in your hair gathering it in a fist.

"Fuck, y/n. Do that again," You lifted your mouth off of him, a line of spit forming as you pulled away and took all of him again," his hips jerked and you moaned. You sucked his balls and pumped his length fast as you did.

"Y/n, I'm close," you put your mouth back on him immediately, wanting him to release in your mouth. You looked up at him fluttering your lashes as you took him full again. You felt his cum hit the back of your throat and you swallowed. You didn’t stop sucking until you were sure there was no more cum left. He ended up pulling your head off mumbling 'too much' before pulling you into a heated kiss. He flipped you so you were under him.

"Harry, we can't," you whined.

"Ugh," he groaned, "I want to make you feel just as good," he reached down and rubbed in between your legs. You moaned and grabbed his wrist.

"I want that too but I have to go," you kissed him. He kissed you back and put his hand on your cheek.

"When will I see you again?" you hadn't thought of it. Sam only went to his grandparents every other weekend. Two weekends was too long without him. You bit your lip and looked away.

"I'm not sure," you felt bad not being able to give him an answer. His hand on your cheek gently turned your head to face him again.

"I wasn't lying when I said I'd wait for you," he kissed your nose. You closed your eyes savoring the moment and trying to keep your emotions in check. How had you found such an angel?

"I'll try and plan something for this week," you whispered before kissing him lightly.

"Okay," he whispered back.

You two got up, Harry getting dressed again as you fixed your hair. You watched him, photographing every movement into your memory. He walked you to your car and closed the door as you got in. You opened your window and he leaned inside. He put a finger under your chin giving you a lingering kiss making you want more. But you had to go. You said bye and drove home. You did some laundry before your doorbell rang signifying your son was home. You sped walk to the door excited to see your boy. You open the door and he attacks your waist.

“Hi baby,” you squat down and kiss his head. He was such a sweet and affectionate boy. You savored every moment.

“Hi ma,” he kissed your cheek before hugging you. He whispered in your ear, “grandma wants to talk, I’m sorry,” before kissing your cheek again and running inside. You had a confused look on your face as you watched him run off.

“Y/n,” Lydia spoke.

“Lydia?” You questioned.

“I know about Harry,” you were shocked, “Sam told us at dinner, he was excited.” You swallowed. You never wanted to tell Sam to keep secrets so you couldn’t be mad about this.

“He um, okay. Um we just, Sam’s not meeting him for a bit. Not until I think it’s time.” You spoke.

“Are you two a couple?” You couldn’t tell what her tone was. Condescending? Approving? Genuinely curious?

“Uh yeah, officially so. This past weekend.” You were so uncomfortable.

“I’d like to meet him, he knows about Sam right?” She looked at you with a raised brow.

“Yes of course he knows about Sam. I wouldn't keep Sam a secret. And you’ll meet him when I feel it’s time too.” You hated how you felt like you were co-parenting with her. You were his only parent.

“Okay well,” she looked around, “I’m happy for you y/n, it’s about time. Maybe not move on and forget, but move on and still remember you know?” She purposely didn’t look at you.

“I uh yeah, I obviously won’t forget him. How could I? He was my husband. But I do think I deserve to not die alone, have another love.” You swallowed. Why was this so weird? And why was Lydia being so nice?

“I agree. Well have a good night,” she said before walking away.

“You too,” you said lowly.

You closed the door and leaned against it. Sam.

“Sam?” You called.

“I’m sorry Mami,” he looked down with a guilty look on your face.

“Don’t be sorry baby,” you walked towards him, you lifted his chin up and smiled at him, “I’ve never taught you to keep secrets, so I’m proud you didn’t.” You kissed his head.

“Grandma and grandpa didn’t look mad when I told them, and I also said he was just your friend!” He explained. You loved his enthusiasm and the way he spoke with his hands.

“They couldn’t be mad, it’s my life. I think grandma is actually happy I’ve got a friend,” you told him. You weren’t going to spur the term boyfriend on him just yet. You were sure Harry would be okay with it too.

“She’s getting a lot nicer ma,” he said with a confused look on his face. You both shrugged and laughed. You two cuddled on the couch for the majority of the rest of the day. You watched Inside Out and taught Sam a few ways to express himself. He said he felt like joy that day with a little bit of fear because he didn't know how you would react about him spilling the beans about Harry. You cleared his worries before sending him to shower before dinner. You checked your phone to see Harry had texted you.

H: Hey beautiful, how are you?

Y/n: Hi handsome, I'm good. Just cooking some dinner.

H: I'm jealous, I had Chinese. I'm reading a manuscript now.

y/n: Perhaps you should focus on that and not use me to procrastinate?

H: You already know me so well.

y/n: 😘😘😘

You cooked spaghetti, one of Sam's favorites. Pasta always made him extra sleepy so it was the perfect meal for a Sunday night before school. Your mind kept wandering off as you cooked to Harry's dimpled smile making you smile yourself. Once Sam was out the shower you two talked about what the week ahead would look like.

"Sam, you remember Uncle Matt?" you asked as you served him. He twirled the spaghetti with his fork before nodding vigorously.

"Yes of course!" he said before stuffing his face. You laughed and handed him a napkin.

"Um he might hang out with us tomorrow, after school. I have to text him," you sat next to him with a plate for yourself.

"He's back?!" he exclaimed.

"Yes," you smiled. You know he loved him a lot.

"I can't wait to see him," he said before taking another bite. You two soon finished your plates and you let him watch some Disney before bed while you cleaned up the kitchen. You sent him off to bed once you finished and got his lunch ready for the next day. Your phone rang and you saw it was Harry.

"Hello?" you said.

"Hey love, Sam asleep yet?" he asked.

"Um, yeah why?" you put his backpack on one of the chairs and looked around you. It was like he was watching you. You heard a knock on the door.

"Harry, hold on someone's knocking. Has to be Lydia or something. Only she knows the code to open the door," you open the door surprised to see Harry.

"Hi," he blushed, "Uh someone let me in. I just thought I'd bring you something. Partly because I missed you and just wanted to see you again," he passed you a black plastic bag. Inside was a Rice Krispie Treat and 'Sam' written on it with black marker and Pringles with your name on it. You once told him you liked Pringles on one of your long facetime calls.

"Harry," you were speechless, it was so sweet what he had done.

"I probably shouldn't have come, this is an invasion of your privacy I'm sorry," he backed away.

"No no, its fine I'm just shocked. I never expected something like this. Come here," you put your hand on the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. He kissed you back hard and wrapped his arm around your waist. "I'm so happy, and thankful, and lucky," you spoke in between kisses. He smiled down at you and kissed your forehead. You stepped back and put the bag on the side table near your entrance.

"I'd invite you in bu-" you observed his face go pale and eyes widen. He was looking behind you. You turned around and saw Sam standing there with wide eyes.

"Sam, what's wrong?" you ran to him and bent down to his level. He looked funny,

"I got sick ma," he said still staring at Harry in the hallway. You looked behind you at Harry and then back to Sam. He whispered in your ear, "I threw up in the toilet," you nodded.

"Okay, sit on the couch okay? I'll be there in a sec okay?" he nodded but didn't move.

"Hi Harry," he spoke. This isn't what you wanted or expected.

"Erm Hi Sam," he waved. Sam waved back before leaving to sit on the couch. You walked to your door, speechless.

"Love, I'm so sorry I know this isn't what you wanted. I didn't mean for this to happen," he rambled.

"It's okay, um come in? Might as well rip the bandaid off," you walked in and got a thermometer to take Sam's temperature. Harry walked behind you but stayed a comfortable distance away. Sam couldn’t take his eyes off him. You took Sam's temperature and he had a slight fever.

"I'm Sam,"

"I'm Harry,"

"We knew that about each other already," Sam giggled.

"We did," Harry giggled too. You were holding back a cringe as you watched them.

"He got you a rice krispie treat, say thank you," you whispered to him.

"Ooh thank you," his eyes lit up.

"Yeah no problem," he leaned against your wall.

"You're so far, sit next to me." Sam patted the seat next to him. Harry looked at you and you gave him a slight nod. He sat next to him and they stared at each other for a bit.

“You have drawings on your arms, marker?” Sam pointed out.

“Honey, wouldn’t you feel better in your own room?” You tried to steer away from the tattoo topic considering Harry had a half naked mermaid on his arm. Sam laughed at what you said like it was ridiculous.

“Ma, I won’t sleep now knowing Harry is here and I want to sleep in your bed tonight,” he pouted. You couldn’t help but smile.

“Okay fine. Only because you’re not feeling well. I’m gonna go get you medicine.” You got up.

“Harry stay with me,” you son put his tiny hand over his, “cool rings!” Was the last thing you heard before entering your kitchen. You called out of work and set an appointment with his doctor for the following day. When you came back to the living room him and Harry were playing rock, scissors, and shoot.

“Ma, look at this new game Harry taught me!” Harry gave you a dimpled smile before showing you.

“Very nice,” you observed, “here c’mon. Take your medicine, it’ll bring your fever down,” you served him on a teaspoon and he took it. He made a funny face before swallowing it.

“Medicine is so gross. Makes you want to throw up again,” you and Harry both laughed.

You sat on the other side of Sam and he quickly curled up to your side. You put the blanket over him and you and put your tv on. Harry observed you two and watched tv with you. Sam soon fell asleep again as you felt him drool onto your shirt.

“I’m going to go put him in my room,” you slowly stood up to not wake him.

“Let me help?” Harry asked. You nodded and he picked Sam up gently before following you into your room. You turned a lamp on so you two could see where you were walking. Harry gently put him on the middle of your bed and tucked him in. You climbed in on your side and pushed Sam’s hair back off his forehead. You gestured for Harry sit on the other side.

“If you want, you don’t have to,” you told him. He shook his head and climbed in on the other side.

“Thank you,” he said looking at you.

“For?” You questioned.

“Letting me get to know him. I know it wasn’t your plan for us to meet this way but thanks for not closing the door in my face.” He reached over Sam to put a loose strand of hair behind your ear. You look down back at Sam.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” you smiled. You hadn’t planned for them to meet like this but life happens.

“Beautiful boy,” he states.

“You know it?” You smirked.

“Course I know it, what kind of Brit would I be if I didn’t know a Lennon song?” He laughed lowly.

“Michael would sing it to him to put him to sleep. After he passed I just changed 'daddy' lyric to Mami,” you explained.

“My mum used to do the same thing,” he smiled at the memory.

“Her and I can relate on being boy moms then,” you smiled.

“I don’t think I want her to talk about me to you,” he grinned.

“Oh no, I want to hear it all,” you leaned against your hand. You two were facing each other with your son between you two.

“He’s a good kid, very social. He started asking me about my rings and where I got them,” he smiled.

“He’s nosey,” you lightly tapped Sam’s nose earning a smile from him in his sleep. Harry laughed and shrugged his shoulders.

“I didn’t mind it,” he plays with a loose thread on your blanket.

You three eventually all fell asleep in a big cuddle. When you wake up you feel Sam's small head on your stomach, Harry's forehead against yours, and all of your legs tangled together. You opened your eyes slowly and smiled. You felt like a family, finally complete.

"Mornin'," you heard Harry's deep voice say.

"Hey," you looked at him pulling your forehead away. He leaned over and gave you a quick peck.

"Sorry I fell asleep here," he says before placing his head back against the pillow.

"It's okay, I enjoy seeing your face first thing in the morning," you smiled.

"I like this a lot to be honest with you," he looked between you and Sam.

"I do too," you bit your lip. So much had happened between you two in just a few days. Sam stirred between you two.

"Could I cook you two breakfast?" he offered. You nodded and ran your hands through Sam's hair. He was warm again.

"What's his favorite?"

"Waffles," you smiled.

"Could I use your bathroom?"

"Of course, spare toothbrush in the hallway closet." you told him. He nodded and walked to your bathroom.

You escaped to your thoughts of how you could get used to this.

♡♡♡

Breakfast was a success. Harry and Sam got along well and you were happy. Harry left to go to work before you went to Sam's doctor. Doctor's appointment was unsuccessful. "Probably just a bug," they said. Matt had texted you and you explained what was going on with Sam. He assured you he didn’t mind and he'd bring you some food and some light food for Sam. When he showed up at your door, he had soup for Sam and chowder for you. You all shared a meal together and watched a movie. This was something similar to what you guys did years ago. It was close to night and Sam had went off to bed before Matt left. You took out two beers for you to share and sat next to him.

"Cheers," he clinked your bottle.

"Cheers," you took a sip.

"It's good to be home," he sighed relaxing back onto your couch.

"It's good to have you home," you leaned against your cushions.

"I don't think I'm going back," you looked over at him.

"What? What do you mean?" you were a little shocked.

"My active duty commitment is up, I could take another mission if I wanted to but I think its time for me to settle down," he took a swig of his beer. You nodded in understanding.

"I think that'd be great, if it were for me I wouldn't want anyone out there," you faced him on the couch.

"Yeah," he brought his arm that was behind his head and slapped it down to your knee, "So! Tell me more about this Harry guy," he grinned looking at you.

"Ow," you hit him back, "And what do you wanna know?" you blushed.

"Everything?" he said in a girly voice making you laugh.

"Well, we met at the bar across the street and we basically spoke every night then every day and night and yeah we just got to know each other well. And yeah you know it's been nice. To have someone again," you took another sup of your beer. Matt nodded in understanding.

"I'm happy you're happy, I know he would've wanted that." he reached for your hand and squeezed it.

"Yeah I know, we spoke about it once..." you wandered off.

"Us too," Matt looked up towards the ceiling.

"I figured you made some kind of promise, the way you treated me after he passed. It was very promise like."

"I would've done it, promise or no promise." he looks back at you.

"I know, thank you. Could never say that enough."

"You don’t have to," he squeezed your hand again. You laid your head on his shoulder. You were so happy to have Matt in your life. It was like another piece of having Michael around. You didn't have a brother either. So he fit perfectly into your life.

"I miss him," matt spoke up.

"Me too," a tear escaped.

"I can hear him laughing at us, saying 'you two are pathetic'," he laughed, "But then you'd probably give him a look and he'd say, 'oh not you, just matt," you laughed along and finished off your beer.

"You're right," you bit your lip, "Harry's somehow helped me say his name more comfortably,"

"I've noticed, that's great." he smiled.

You spent the rest of the night catching up and setting up a profile for Matt on Bumble. He was embarrassed at first but then became excited. He liked that girls had to match first, he didn't want to make any girls uncomfortable. He left and you caught some sleep before your day of work, it was going to be long.

♡♡♡  

ONE MONTH LATER

It was Saturday morning and you awoke with Harry leaving your bed. He was staying over more often per Sam's request. He enjoyed waking up and jumping into your bed and telling you his crazy dreams or hearing the dreams you two had. You enjoyed not falling asleep alone anymore. This morning though you awoke to Harry leaving because he liked to take a run and then make breakfast or pick some up on his way back. You opened your eyes slightly and you saw him moving around in front of your dresser. He put a headband on to push his curls back and put his sweatshirt on. He was wearing tights underneath some basketball shorts as well.

"Cute," you giggled. He turned around quickly and smiled.

"Morning love," he walked over to your side of the bed and kissed your lips.

"Mmm, don't go," you pouted.

"Okay," he kissed you again.

"No I'm joking, I'd feel guilty if I held you back," you giggled as you twirled a curl of his around your finger.

"I'll be quick, promise," he pecked your lips and stood up.

"Please keep your music low, be safe please." he walked back over and slotted a kiss on your lips.

"Of course baby," he said before he walked out your bedroom door. You stayed in bed until he got back. You usually never fall back asleep as you worried for him. He'd only go on a run every other day. When he got back you were on your phone scrolling through social media. Harry had posted a picture of you two last night. He already had a highlight called "Sam doing cool stuff" and it was adorable. He came over and gave you a quick peck before hopping in the shower quickly. He dropped off his phone on your night table as he kissed you and left it there. You noticed he was getting a lot of notifications back to back. You didn’t want to be nosey but you two also established you had nothing to hide from each other. You checked his phone and noticed they were all notifications from the Zillow app. They were all price drops on houses. Harry came back into your room as you looked at his phone. You tried to toss it away from you before he noticed but it was too late.

"Everything okay love?" he said with a wide grin on his face. He was only wearing a towel around his waist.

"Uh um are you moving?" you mumbled.

"No? why?" he looked confused.

"You got a lot of notifications so I just checked and it was price drops on Zillow,"

"Oh, uh yeah. Um," he sat next to you on your bed, "I was just looking at the market because uh like for us."

"For us?"

"Yeah, I would like us to move in together eventually. I've just been looking at houses for like 4 rooms and backyard and stuff," he was blushing and fiddling with his fingers.

"That's so sweet," you smashed your lips onto his. He fell on top of you on your bed.

"I want to wake up to you," he brushed his lips against yours. You felt heat spread in between your legs as he worked his way down your neck. You felt him grow hard through his towel.

"Harry," you moaned in his ear.

"You up for it?" he looked at you and you nodded quickly. He lifted your shirt and sucked your nipples giving both equal attention. He reached a hand down in between your legs into your shorts. He groaned into your mouth,

"So wet, so good for me," he said before biting your bottom lip. Your eyes fluttered closed as he inserted a finger into you. Then you remembered.

"Fuck, Harry," you whined. He didn’t pay you mind thinking it was a satisfied moan. You pushed at his chest.

"What happened?" he looked at you with concerned eyes.

"I ran out of condoms and haven't gone to get any, do you have?"

"Ugh no," he put his head in the crook of your neck.

"Ugh, damn it," you bit your lip.

"Don't do that," he took his thumb and separated your teeth from your lip, "It's only going to turn me on more," you laughed lightly.

"Harry, how um are you good at you know? Like um-"

"Pulling out?" he cut you off.

"Yeah,"

"Yeah, pretty good" he smirked.  

"You want to?"

"You do?" he said a little more shocked.

"I want you so bad," you said before planting your lips on his. He climbed back on top of you and pulled your shorts and underwear down. He rubbed a finger between your slit and you bucked your hips against his finger. He took this as a sign of your impatience growing. He removed his hand and instead lined himself up at your entrance. He pushed inside of you slowly both of you moaning in each others mouths.

"Fuck, ugh you're so warm and tight," he kissed you. His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to concentrate on not cumming so soon.

"I love feeling you against me," you pushed his hips closer against you. When he bottomed out you both moaned lowly. He thrusted in and out of you slowly but eventually he picked up his pace. He groaned as his thrusts became sloppier.

"Love, you almost there?" he put his hand behind your neck before kissing you roughly. Barely letting you answer.

"Yes," you breathed out. He reached down in between you two and rubbed your clit. You felt the tightness grow in your stomach and you tightened around him as you came. Your legs were wrapped around his hips so he roughly pulled your legs apart before spilling himself all over your slit.

"Fucking hell," he moaned, "that was too good." he kissed your lips and then your neck.

"I'm on a high excuse me," you grinned. He smirked and got off you. He picked up his towel he had previously wrapped around himself and wiped in between your legs. This wouldn't be the last time he would do this over the next few weeks.

"Thank you," you blushed.

"Yeah of course," when he finished he got you dressed and himself. Sam was bound to wake up soon. "I'm going to go make some breakfast, any requests?"

"Hm, I'm craving a tuna sandwich," he scrunched his nose but nodded and went to make you your food. ♡♡♡

It was a few weeks later and you were sick. Sam was in school and Harry had taken his work to your place to take care of you. You were laying in bed while he was reading a manuscript. You had a terrible bug that wouldn’t let you hold any food down. You had never felt this way before. Harry continued making you soups and stews even though your appetite was low. You were surviving on ginger ale and saltines for most of your days. You watched as Harry worked and the way he concentrated on what he was reading.

"Any good?" he jumped slightly.

"Hey you're up," he pushed your hair away from your face.

"Hi," you smiled, "I have to get Sam,"

"I was going to pick him up,"

"It's okay, I need fresh air."

"We can both go?"

"Okay," he reached over your bedside table and got you your Gatorade bottle.

"Drink, you look dehydrated."

"Okay, dad." you narrowed your eyes at him and sipped.

"I'm just taking care of my baby,"

"I know,"

You two eventually got up to go pick up Sam. You told Harry to drop you off at the drug store at the corner of your street afterwards to pick up some pads. But you lied. You were late and scared. You never had morning sickness before but now you couldn’t help but think it. You bought a small test, one where you had to pee in a cup and use a dropper. It was the only thing that would fit in your back pocket. You got back in the car and Harry gave you a look.

"Um, they didn’t have the ones I like,"

"I'll go to Walgreens later and pick some up," you nodded as he drove you all home. Sam told you about his day at school. You told Harry you were going to use the bathroom once you got inside to your apartment. You assured him you were okay and he told you he'd make a snack for Sam while helping him with his homework. You headed inside your bathroom and realized you forgot a cup. You reached into the cabinet below your sink and got a disposable dixie cup you usually use for mouthwash. You peed in the cup and got the dropper. You placed a drop on the test and waited three minutes before looking. You were sitting on the toilet lid when Harry knocked on your door.

"Love, you okay?"

"Yeah! Coming out now!" you washed your hands and wrapped the test in toilet paper before looking at it, shoved into your back pocket, and stepped out.

You enjoyed your night with them. Forcing yourself to eat and try and feel better. You tried to keep a mind over matter mindset. You read Sam a book before bed and squeeze him tight before finding out if everything is going to change. You walk back to your room and Harry's already getting ready for a shower. He walks over to you and wraps his arms around your waist.

"Feeling better baby?" he kissed your nose.

"A little, um stomach is funny," he nodded as he listened. He moved his hands down to your ass but you pulled away suddenly before he could feel the test in your pocket.

"Love?" he looked at you confused,

"Uh sorry, just not in that mood," you ran your fingers through your hair.

"I wasn't expecting you to be, just wanted to give it a little squeeze. But I'm sorry love, I know you're not feeling well," he kissed your head.

"Yeah it's okay uh sorry I pulled away like that," he nodded.

"I think I'm gonna go shower alright?" you nodded. He left and you pulled the test out and unwrapped the toilet paper. Your door opened back up and you jumped.

"Forgot my towe- what's that?" he looked at you confused.

"Crap," you put your head in your hand. "I thought this bug could be morning sickness or something. I've never had it but I'm also late."

"W-what? What's it say?"

"I-I don't know yet. I haven't looked."

"Why not?" he was pale and his forehead was already glistening with sweat.

"I'm scared," you choked out.

"Love," he rushed to you and kneeled in between your legs, "I'm not going anywhere no matter what that test says. I love you, you know that. You and Sam are my family now. I don't care that we haven't been together that long. I already know I want this for a long time." he picked your head up in between your hands. You mumbled an okay. You began unwrapping the paper and you both looked at it at the same time.

"Look for two lines?"

"Yeah, that'd be positive" you revealed the test and took a deep breath. One line was dark and the other was not. You couldn’t tell if you were relieved or disappointed. You tossed it on to your bedside table and sighed.

"I still meant everything I said," Harry spoke.

"I feel the same way Har, I just have a lot of feelings and thoughts going through my mind. Could I have a second?" he nodded and left to the bathroom to take his shower. You felt weird. Like you wanted a positive test but also like you couldn't accept one. Everything felt so fast. Being pregnant felt so far from now, yet it also felt crazy to start all over again. Harry came back to find you with your arm across your eyes while you leaned against your pillows. He walked over to your bedside table to turn your lamp off but when he saw the test again he froze.

"L-love, love!" you jumped at his raised voice.

"What Harry?" you asked worried.

"The test! It changed! There's two lines now!" he grabbed it and looked at it.

"That's impossible," you stood up to look at it with him. Sure enough there were two lines. The other faint yet there.

"I'm so confused," you breathed.

"I'm going to Walgreens to get a digital one I can't not be certain for tonight." he kissed you before he left and yelled an I love you before walking out the door. He seemed excited with hints of anxiety. You didn’t know what to feel. You two had been together for only a few months, still learning about each other. You paced the floor back and forth until he got back.

"Love?" he called from the hallway before entering your room, "I got this Clearblue one, I see a lot of celebrities use them,"

"Oh okay," you took the box in your hand.

"Hey, what'd you feel after we saw the negative test?" he reached for your hand and squeezed it.

"I don't know honestly, it's scary to start all over again. We're just starting ourselves," you looked down.

"I understand, I'm going to be here though, no matter what," he pulled you in for a hug, "I'd like to be happy about it if its positive."

"Me too," you whispered.

"Feel like peeing?" he laughed lightly.

"Sure," you laughed too.

You walked to your bathroom and Harry followed. You sat down and waited a bit until you were able to take the test. Harry helped you with putting the cap on and you finished taking care of yourself.

"I can only imagine what everyone's going to say," you run a hand through your hair.

"Love, it shouldn't matter. We are the only one's who thoughts should matter." he cupped your cheeks, "Oh and Sam of course," he quickly added. You giggled and nodded.

"You're cute," you kissed his lips.

"Thank you, let's check it?"

"Yeah," you smiled.

♡♡♡

What do you guys think it is??

[emospritelet]

WL verse: 27 Can you have Nurse Faye or someone make a passive aggressive bitchy remark to a recovering Lacey about Tilly being in the ICU?

27: “Is there anything more I can do?”

Prompt list here

[AO3]

x

Lacey Weaver wasn’t used to being sick.

She had always been fairly robust, despite living on the streets and in abandoned buildings for years. After meeting Weaver, and settling down, she had flourished, rarely even suffering from colds. But the virus was indiscriminate, it seemed, and it had affected her badly. Even now, able to breathe again and her fever gone, she was as weak as a newborn kitten. It was some comfort to know that neither her husband nor her daughter had caught it, although she worried for the child that was soon to be born.

She ran a hand over her belly, the IV tube taped to the back of her hand catching on a fold of the blanket. The chair beside her bed was empty, and she hoped that Weaver had gone home to get some proper sleep. It was hard to know what time it was in the hospital, but there was light coming in through the window. Perhaps he and Tilly were eating breakfast together, seated around the kitchen table of their new home in the suburbs with the morning sun streaming in. Or perhaps he had relaxed the rule she herself had set down about eating meals at the table, and was letting Tilly eat her breakfast on her knees in front of the TV. He almost certainly had. The thought made her smile.

The door opened, and Lacey pushed herself up a little further on the pillows as Nurse Faye walked in, pushing one of the meal trolleys. She was efficient enough, but cold and clinical, Lacey found. 

“How are you feeling, Mrs Weaver?” she asked, her tone dismissive.

“Fine,” said Lacey. “A lot better, actually. Can I go home?”

“That’s for the doctor to decide.”

She moved the tray table into place, taking the breakfast tray from the trolley and setting it down. Lacey looked at it without enthusiasm. A bowl of porridge with raisins, a cup of peach yogurt and a bagel. Her appetite had not yet returned, but she knew she needed to eat. The cup of tea to the side was more welcome. Nurse Faye took her pulse, then her temperature, nodding stiffly and making a note on her chart. 

“Stay in bed,” she said, in a tone that suggested Lacey had been planning on racing up and down the corridors on a gurney. “Your fever is gone, but we need to be sure you don’t pose a danger to others.”

“I’m not exactly gonna go around licking the door handles,” said Lacey tartly, and the nurse frowned at her.

“No, but you might decide to go to the ICU to check on your daughter,” she said, matching Lacey’s tone. “The doctors are extremely busy, and you’d only get in the way.”

Lacey blinked rapidly as a cold hand squeezed her heart, making it thump in fear.

“What?” she demanded. “Tilly? Are you saying she’s here? She’s sick?”

“Yes.” Nurse Faye was watching her impassively, but there was the tiniest quirk at the side of her mouth that made Lacey’s hackles rise. “Didn’t your husband mention it?”

Her mouth twitched further, a twist of her lips bordering on a smirk, and Lacey’s eyes narrowed. She gets off on giving people bad news. She likes having that power over the patients, keeping them in the dark until they say something she doesn’t damn well like. Bitch. Dammit, Rafe, why the hell didn’t you tell me?

“I guess maybe he did, but I was half-asleep when he came in,” she said, trying for a calm she didn’t feel. “How is she?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Nurse Faye lightly. “Although if she’s in the ICU, I don’t suppose it’s a mild case.”

Lacey wanted to scream at the woman, but she held her nerve. Her fingers dug into the blankets, fists clenching.

“I need to see her,” she said, and Nurse Faye shook her head, tutting.

“I just told you that wasn’t possible.”

“Then I need to see a doctor.”

“I’m afraid they’re busy.”

“Dammit!” Lacey snapped, slapping the blankets. The smirk grew a little, and she wanted to strangle the woman. “When can I see her?”

“When I tell you,” said Nurse Faye, and nodded at the tray. “Eat your breakfast.”

She closed the door, and Lacey glared after her. Her anger faded into fear as she thought of her daughter, lying in a bed in intensive care, sick and scared. Turning back to the breakfast tray, she pulled a face. Any appetite she might have had was gone, but she needed strength, and so she wolfed down the tepid porridge, followed by the yogurt, and crammed the bagel into her mouth between sips of tea. At least that was hot.

Slipping from the bed, she tested her strength, a little unsteady on her feet. There was a hospital issue gown on the chair by the bed, which she had used on the few occasions she had left to use the bathroom. Anyone seeing her out in the corridor would assume that was where she was going. If she happened to take a detour to the ICU, Nurse Faye would never know.

x

The house was too quiet.

Weaver had not expected to sleep, whatever Nurse Gale had said, but she had been right. He had lain down fully clothed on his bed when he got back home, and the next thing he knew, it was dawn. The house was silent, and the blissful oblivion he had felt on waking from sleep vanished in a flash as he remembered why. His mouth was dry, a foul taste in his mouth, his clothes wrinkled and uncomfortable, and he sat up, running his hands over his face. His wife was in the hospital recovering from the virus, his daughter was in the ICU, and he was sitting on his arse doing fuck all to change it.

Getting angry at himself usually helped him to get moving, and true to form he pushed to his feet, tearing off his wrinkled clothes and heading for the shower. Thirty minutes later, he was clean, dressed, and nursing a cup of coffee in anxious hands, waiting until he could head to the hospital. There were restrictions in place for visitors now. He wondered how Lacey was doing. Whether he could bring her home. He needed to tell her about Tilly, and felt guilty for lying to her, but while she was still weak, perhaps it was for the best. He glanced at the clock, and gulped the rest of his coffee, wincing as it scalded his throat. Time to go.

x

Lacey made her way down the corridor, wheeling her IV on its rack beside her. The floor was cold beneath her feet, and she knew she needed to get back to her room quickly before she was missed, but fear for Tilly made her keep going, turning the corner and almost bumping into a running junior doctor. The ICU was hectic, filled with hurrying staff and the odd desperate-looking family member, and she saw a young nurse with brown, shining hair and an air of calm efficiency herding the visitors out in a line, instructing them to keep their distance from one another. Lacey slipped past her as she was arguing with a particularly vocal woman.

“I told you, only one family member per patient,” she said. “And only when the doctor says it’s okay. I need you to take a seat and wait.”

Lacey slipped through the door, fingers tightening on the chrome stand of the IV as her eyes swept around the ward. There was no sign of Tilly, and she was unsure whether to be relieved or not. Perhaps Nurse Faye had been lying, and Tilly was safe and well, at home with her father.

“Mrs Weaver?”

A familiar voice made her turn, and Lacey tried to look as though she was meant to be there. Dr Milliner was kind and knowledgeable, and had been the one to treat her when she first arrived at the hospital. He looked tired, his eyes hollow and his cheeks unshaven. She wondered when he had last had a full night’s sleep.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said. “What are you doing out of bed?”

Lacey hesitated.

“I - someone told me my daughter was here,” she said. “Is that true?”

“Lacey?”

She glanced around to where her husband was standing by the door, his eyes wide and frightened. Dr Milliner glanced away, sucking in his cheeks as Weaver strode up to them. He hadn’t shaved either, and looked just as tired. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked, sounding as close to scared as she had ever heard him. “Did - did something happen?”

“How could you not tell me our daughter was sick?” she demanded, and he looked pained.

“Lacey…”

“She’s gonna be alright,” interrupted Dr Milliner, before Lacey could respond. “I - look, it’s only supposed to be one parent at a time, but since you’re a patient, Mrs Weaver, I’ll waive that. Come with me.”

He led them swiftly to a bed at the end of the room, where curtains were still drawn around it, and pulled them back. Lacey clutched Weaver’s hand as Tilly was revealed, lying with her eyes closed and a ventilator mask over her mouth and nose, brown hair curled on the pillow. Weaver threaded his fingers through hers, squeezing tight, and Lacey could feel tears prick her eyelids. Machines were beeping, keeping pace with her racing heart, and she shook her head.

“She looks so small,” she said thickly. 

Weaver released her hand, putting an arm around her and pulling her close. Dr Milliner gave them a tired smile.

“You did the right thing bringing her to us,” he said. “Her fever had spiked, and she was having trouble breathing.”

“I was told she was in a bad way,” said Weaver, sounding anxious. “How bad are we talking?”

Dr Milliner shook his head.

“She’s gonna be okay,” he said gently. “Last night I was worried about her prognosis, but she responded well. We’ve brought the fever down, sedated her to calm her down and let the machine do its work getting oxygen into her. She’s stable, and no longer critical.”

“Oh thank God!” Lacey felt like hugging him, and Dr Milliner’s smile widened.

“I want to keep her in for a few days, make sure there’s no sign of pneumonia, but she’ll be okay. She’s a tough little cookie.”

“Takes after her mother,” said Weaver, and Lacey laid her head on his shoulder with a shuddering sigh of relief. He kissed the top of her head.

“Right,” said Dr Milliner. “Well, you should really get back to bed, Mrs Weaver. I’ll be along to run some tests in a while, and if I’m happy with the results, you can go home today. How does that sound?”

Lacey nodded, wanting to cry with relief.

“That sounds great.”

“Good.” He glanced between them. “Now. Is there anything more I can do?”

“No, thank you, Doctor,” said Weaver. “Thanks for saving them.”

“Anytime.”

Dr Milliner hurried off again, and Lacey turned to face her husband, taking his hand in hers. Weaver was watching her with a wary, almost guilty expression on his face, and let out a heavy sigh, opening his mouth.

“I get it,” she said, before he could speak. “I get why you didn’t tell me.”

He seemed to sag with relief, his grip tightening on hers.

“Maybe I should have,” he admitted.

“Maybe,” she allowed. “Would I have, if our positions had been reversed? Probably not.”

He smiled faintly, and leaned in to kiss her.

“Well, you heard the doctor,” he said. “Back to bed with you, or I won’t get to take you home.”

Lacey leaned into him, taking a moment to rest against his firm chest as she gazed at their daughter.

“Are you sure she’s gonna be okay?” she whispered, and felt him nod, his arms going around her.

“You heard the doctor,” he said. “I’ve cornered the market in tough cookies, it seems.”

“Weavers are hard to kill,” she said stoutly, and he chuckled, a deep rumble in his chest that made her cling to him a little harder.

“I’m sure the newest Weaver will be just as tough,” he remarked. “Come on. Let’s get you back to bed.”

[scorpiofangirl1109]

Bubba’s Little Princess chapter 2

Tuesday April 24th 2001

It was the middle of the night when Detective Munch woke up, still laying next to his granddaughter. The little girl’s cries had woken him up. Katie was crying out for her mother in her sleep and was kicking her legs slightly as she tossed and turned. But she was still asleep and was not aware of her actions at the moment. The sight was honestly heart breaking for John to see. There was nothing that anyone could do to prevent the nightmares but that did not mean that the man wanted to see his granddaughter in such a state.

So Munch gently shook Katie awake and said “Sweetie, wake up. Come on, sweetie, wake up.”. He was unsure of what else to say to wake up the young girl, but he kept gently shaking her and tapping her shoulder to wake her up.

It did not take too long for Katie to wake up luckily, and the young girl was upset and buried her face into her grandfather’s shirt as she sobbed hysterically, shaking slightly, still afraid from the dream she had just had. It was obvious to Munch that it was a nightmare. Dealing with nightmares was nothing new to the grandfather, as when his son Josh had been little, like all kids he had nightmares. And he had comforted his son and stayed with him until he fell back asleep. Somehow this was a different situation, mainly because surely this had to be due to the trauma Katie had gone through with being abandoned by her mother.

“It’s alright, sweetie. It was only a bad dream, you are safe right here with Bubba.” John told his granddaughter, kissing her head and rubbed her back. Part of Munch was unsure of what else to do to comfort the crying little girl in his arms right now as he was not sure of how best to help her. Katie had spent the night with him plenty of times before and a few times she had nightmares at his house. But those were simple as all it took for Munch to calm her down then would sit with her and let Katie cuddle up to him as he read her a story again, she would always fall asleep again before the story ended. This time things were different and Katie was just so hysterical as she cried into John’s chest, making wet spots on his shirt with her tears.

It took quite a bit of time for the young child to calm down and for her to stop sobbing hysterically. Munch kept holding Katie close and rubbed her back with one hand, she clung to him like a vine.

“It’s OK sweetie. I’m right here. I am not going anywhere.” Munch reassured the little girl once again. “Do you think you can tell Bubba about the dream you had? I think it might make you feel better.” He hoped that this would work because clearly Katie was upset about whatever she had dreamed about. But if she was so upset, the young girl may not be in a state where she would talk about her dream.

“It was scary.” Katie said slowly. The crying had luckily stopped at this point but she was still scared. It was evident from how the child was still clinging to her grandfather like how a baby koala clung to their mother.

“How was it scary sweetie?” Munch asked. As she aired for the girl’s response the detective could not help but tuck some of her blonde hair behind her ear. It was a little bit tangled because Katie had been sleeping, but it was something that could be dealt with later on.

“Cause mommy leave me all alone again.” Katie told her grandfather. Her little hands gripped her stuffed bunny a bit tighter. “But it different in dream.” the girl continued looking down at the blankets on the hospital bed.

“Can you tell me how it was different?” Munch asked looking down at his granddaughter, as he continued to rub her back and hold her close to him. He was a bit unsure of what else to do to comfort the little girl but his simple presence seemed to be enough to keep Katie calm. Well for right now at least.

Katie was quiet then and she continued to look down at the hospital blankets. It was a long few moments of what felt like painful silence to Munch before his granddaughter responded to his question. “Cause Mommy not the same. She threw away all the food and drinks. Then she laugh and tell me bye bye.” As the girl was recounting the dream tears were starting to form in her brown eyes once again, threatening to spill over. Clearly she was still about the dream and talking about it was upsetting her. “Then she leave me and lock me in the house so I no go after her. And I cry and cry for her but she no come back and no one come for me. Not even you Bubba and then I cry and cry before you waked me up.” This was the point where the young girl began to cry all over again.

Munch felt his heart break for a second time seeing how Katie was upset again and he continued to rub her back and hold her close to him. He felt her bury her face into his shirt once again as she was crying. If there was a way John could take away the nightmares for his granddaughter he would do so. It was hard to see his granddaughter so upset like this. Katie was definitely his little princess and he treated her as such. Sadly, there was no way Munch was able to take the nightmares away from his granddaughter completely. All he could do was sit there and comfort her and reassure her that everything was ok and that the bad dream was not real.

“It was just a bad dream, sweetie. You are not alone. I am right here and I am not going anywhere.” Munch told his granddaughter, still rubbing her back as she cried into his shirt.

It took a few minutes for Katie to calm down and Munch kept rubbing her back even though she had long stopped crying at this point. But he did use his free hand to grab a tissue from the tissue box that was near the hospital bed. After wiping her nose and throwing away the tissue, John kissed the top of Katie’s head and held her close again.

“Bubba?” Katie asked softly from her place in her grandfather’s arms. “You tell me another story?”

Even though it was the middle of the night and all John himself wanted to do himself was go to sleep there was no way that he could say no to this small request Katie had. Anything to help her fall asleep.  

“Of course sweetie. Bubba can tell you a quick story to help you sleep.” Munch told his granddaughter. “And then we’ll go back to sleep OK? I’ll be right here next to you all night.” when Katie nodded her head slowly Munch began to tell her a story. Like before he made it up as he went along.

Luckily after a few minutes the story put Katie to sleep. She was cuddled up to her grandfather resting her head on his chest and clutched Bun Bun in her arms. After John was sure that Katie was sleeping soundly, the detective took off his glasses putting them on the table besides the bed before he fell asleep himself.

It was early in the morning when Munch was woken up by someone shaking his shoulder. It caused him to be startled and sit up in the bed, squinting from the sunlight streaming into the room. Reaching over for his glasses Munch put them on to see that it was Captain Cragen in the hospital room. Luckily Katie was still sleeping soundly, still curled up to her bubba as she had been earlier, Bun Bun still clutched in her arms. John was not about to wake her up when she was sleeping so peacefully, especially as she most likely had not slept much the nights she was all on her own.

“You look like you didn’t sleep much.” Cragen remarked watching as Munch carefully slid off of the bed and laid Katie down so her head was resting on the pillow as she slept. Luckily the young girl was still sleeping soundly and had not noticed that Munch was no longer right next to her. The captain handed the detective a cup of coffee which was accepted gratefully by the latter who took a long sip. Cragen put a bag down on a side table, he had brought some bagels for Munch and Katie to have for breakfast.

“I found myself watching her sleep. I had to make sure that she was alright.” Munch said taking another sip of coffee. The caffeine would be much needed to get through the day.

“How’s she doing?” Cragen asked looking back at Katie who was still peacefully sleeping in the bed.

“She is doing as well as one would expect her to do after what she’s gone through. The doctors had to put her on IV fluids because she was so dehydrated. And I had to stop Katie from choking last night because she was shoving her food into her mouth so fast. She also needs a bath because she hasn’t had one for a while but other than that the doctor says she is going to be fine. Well.... she’ll be fine physically at least,” Munch replied.

Cragen nodded as he listened to Munch. “That’s good. Olivia told me what Katie told her last night about what happened. How is she doing emotionally?”

John took another long sip from his coffee and sighed for a moment before answering his captain “She was a wreck when Olivia and I arrived at the scene, sobbing hysterically. You could hear her cries from down the hall. And she was clinging to me like a vine last night and didn’t want to let go of me when the ambulance came. I rode with her and she refused to let go of my hand the entire ride and once they brought her here. She had a nightmare about what happened, she was screaming and crying hysterically from it. I spent a while trying to calm her down and eventually got her to sleep.”

“And how are you doing?” Cragen asked Munch. “You doing OK? I know you must be going through a lot right now.”

Truth be told, Munch was feeling a lot of different things at the moment. But because he had been focusing so much on his granddaughter the past few hours, his own feelings had taken a backseat because Katie needed him. His granddaughter was John’s most important priority at the moment. Plus, with how much she had clung to him last night, it was not like he was able to do too much for himself.

“I should have known something was wrong. I really should have gone over and checked on them. Then none of this would have happened.” Munch said shaking his head slightly. “I made a point to spend more time with Katie after my son died, helped my daughter in law by babysitting or let Katie spend the night with me at my apartment. I had dinner with them at least once a week. But still this happened.”

“John…” Cragen said slowly “You can’t blame yourself for this. None of what happened was your fault.”

“I didn’t try to be there for Ashley as much as I should have. I helped her with childcare and had dinner with her but that was it. I was more focused on Katie that I forgot about Katie’s mother and how she was doing.” Munch said. “After Josh died, she took it hard of course but she seemed to be getting better. I guess I was wrong. I never saw her as the type to abandon her own child. Katie could have died if they had found her too late.”

One thing Munch was grateful for was that Katie had been found when she was. With how dehydrated she had been, it probably would not have taken too much longer before she would have died of dehydration. There was no way Munch would have been able to endure another loss, especially right after Josh’s death. The pain from that was still so fresh and real even three months after the accident.

“But the good thing is that they find her and she is going to recover.” Cragen told Munch.

“I know you’ve had a lot to think about but have you thought about what you are going to do when Katie is released from the hospital?”

That was one thing John knew he had to think about as he had no idea what it would look like once Katie was given the all clear to go home. One thing that Josh and Ashley had done after getting married on the advice of the detective himself , was that they made a will. And they had asked John if he would raise Katie if something were to ever happen to the both of them. Munch had said yes of course, but never in a thousand years he would ever be in the position where he would have to potentially raise his granddaughter.

“That hasn’t even crossed my mind. But I am taking her back to my place once she’s able to leave. Her parents made a will after they got married and named me as Katie’s guardian if something were to ever happen to the two of them.” Munch told Cragen. “I said yes when they asked me but I never thought I would ever have to be in the position where I would possibly have to raise her.”

“Well that’s a start. But you still have to go to family court. I can make a call to Cabot and see if she can recommend someone to you to help you in court.” Cragen said.

John nodded slowly as he took a sip of coffee. This was going to be a long process and there was no way of knowing how long Katie would be in his care. It could be a week or it could be months that Katie stayed with him and that idea was slightly nerve-wracking to the senior detective. Taking Katie for a night or a weekend was one thing. She’d have her suitcase packed and it was a time for John to spend some quality one on one time with Katie. But raising her was a totally different story, especially as it would be different taking care of a little girl versus raising a little boy.

Plus this time Munch would be doing this on his own without anyone else there to share the responsibility with. When Josh was young he and his wife had obviously been married but had gotten divorced when Josh was really young. They had split custody of Josh after the divorce and co-parented. Co-parenting was fine and Josh had turned out well with him and his ex wife’s parenting. This time it was all up to him though as his ex still lived down in Baltimore and John was busy with his life here in New York City.

“Thanks Captain.” Munch said glancing back over at Katie out of the corner of his eye. It was a relief to see her still sound asleep after the day she had yesterday and how long she had been up after her nightmare. “It helps a lot. But I’m going to have to take time off to take care of her. She needs me and I don’t know if I can leave her right now based on how she was clinging to me.”

“I understand and I have already given you have time off to spend with Katie. As much time as you need to take care of her. We have it handled at the precinct.” Cragen said. “We’re going to handle her case. We will find her mother.”

It was still quite difficult for Munch’s mind to actually process that his granddaughter was actually the victim in a case that his squad was investigating. There was no way that the detective could have predicted or imagined this. Because of how he was the blood relative of the victim of the case and his role as a detective, John knew that he was going to have to recuse himself from the case. He was too close to everything. But John still wanted to know what happened and why Ashley had done what she did to her own daughter. But would knowing make things any better?

“Bubba!” A tiny familiar voice called out for John which snapped him from his thoughts. “Bubba!” the voice said again. Munch turned towards the bed and saw that Katie was awake now. Even though he was only a couple of feet away from her and she could see him it was clear that she had gotten scared that he was not right beside her when she had woken up. So the grandfather walked over to the bed and sat on the edge carefully giving Katie a small hug and kissing top of her head while rubbing her back gently.

“Bubba, you leave me!” Katie said upset. She was not crying thankfully but she was still upset,nonetheless.

“I didn’t leave you sweetie. I am right here in the room with you. You’re ok honey.” Munch said to his granddaughter, reassuring her that she was OK. He looked up from comforting Katie and saw Cragen and the expression on his face. It was not a good sign if Katie was freaking out over Munch simply getting up the bed to talk to someone in the room. Once Katie seemed reassured Munch stopped rubbing her back but kept an arm around her as she rested her head on Munch’s chest holding Bun Bun close to her. “Katie, do you remember my friend Captain Cragen? He works with Olivia and I at the police station.” Munch asked.

The young girl looked over at Cragen who had moved closer to the bed and sat down on the chair near Katie’s hospital bed. She studied his face for a long moment before she slowly nodded her head yes.

“I remembers him.” Katie told Munch. She remembered meeting Captain Cragen when she was at the precinct when Munch had been watching her for her mother.

“Well, I’m glad you are doing OK now that the doctors are helping you.” Cragen told Katie. “It’s been a little while since I saw you.”

“Are you gonna find my mommy?” Katie asked Cragen. The young girl knew that Munch was a police officer. Munch had explained to her what his job was when she had asked him one time when Munch picked up Katie from daycare one day after work when she spent a weekend with him. And she knew that her bubba and his work friends helped people who needed it.

Munch knew that it was the job of the special victims unit to help his granddaughter and find her mother. But he was not sure if he was ready to hear what Ashley had done to her daughter because of his own feelings of anger towards her right now. And even though she had been abandoned by her mother, Munch knew Katie loved her mother a lot and she was only three years old, so she would want her mother to be found so she could see her again. Even if she had just gone through a major trauma with her mother.

“We are going to try our best to find her sweetie.” Cragen said to Katie giving her a small smile.

This seemed to be a good enough answer for Katie as she smiled a bit. It was the first time since he had found Katie that she had smiled. Even if it was a small smile. Seeing that smile was more like the granddaughter John knew and loved very much. Hopefully it would not be gone for very long.

“Bubba? I hungry.” Katie told Munch. “I eat breakfast now?” It was not too surprising that Katie was hungry from how she had inhaled her food and had nearly choked on her dinner the previous night.

Before Munch had a chance to say anything to his granddaughter that was when Cragen took the bag of bagels he had brought for Munch and Katie. “I brought these for you and your Bubba to have for breakfast.” Cragen told her.

“What do you say Katie?” Munch asked Katie to remind her to use her manners when she did get her food. Her parents had been working on her manners with her since Katie was able to form complete sentences. They had been done well as Katie was pretty good about remembering her manners. But she was still only three so she could forget and just needed a reminder just in case.

“Thank you Captain.” Katie said as Munch unwrapped the plain bagel with cream cheese for her and put it on some napkins on the rollaway tray table that was next to the hospital bed. Of course munch would eat his own breakfast but after yesterday’s little episode with the food he would make sure that Katie was OK before his own breakfast. They did not need another close choking call.

“You are very welcome Katie.” Cragen said as he got up from the chair next to the bed. “I have to go to work now but I am glad I got to see you and that you are doing good.” As he was getting ready to leave Cragen gave John a small but still perceptible nod.

“Bye!” Katie said waving to Cragen as he was leaving. She smiled and began to eat as the Captain gave her a small wave from the doorway before closing the door to the hospital room.

It was later in the morning when Munch heard the sound of his cell phone ringing. He had been sitting in the chair next to Katie’s hospital bed as she watched Sesame Street on the television in her room. Because Katie was glued to the TV and was focused on watching Elmo that Munch went to the corner of the room in order to answer the phone. He did not want to answer the phone in the hallway where he would be in the way of the doctors and nurses working here. Plus with how much noise in the hallway it would make it harder for the detective to hear the other person on the line. John was also sure that Katie would get upset if he left the room for even a second. When he had gone to use the bathroom attached to the hospital room Katie had freaked out and cried. So John knew if he went into the hallway Katie would have a massive freakout.

“Munch.” The detective spoke into the cell phone. Out of the corner of his eye Munch kept an eye on Katie to see how she was doing. Luckily the little girl was still watching the TV totally engrossed in her show that she was not paying attention to her grandfather talking on the cell phone.

“Hey John.” Olivia greeted John from the other line. “How are you doing? Cragen told us about his visit to see you and Katie.” She said.

Munch nodded at what Olivia said. He knew Cragen must have been on his way to the precinct when he had stopped by the hospital and then filled the rest of the detectives in on what he had told Cragen. “Katie had a rough night, After you left I put her to bed and during the night around two in the morning she woke from a nightmare and it took me over an hour to get her to calm down to where she finally fell asleep. So I didn’t sleep much last night and had a rough night as well. I’ve had a lot of coffee to compensate for that.” Munch replied.

“How is Katie doing physically?” Olivia asked. “Do they still have her on the IV liquids?”

“She’s drank some water from a  bottle but they are having her on the IV for a little longer. I have a feeling you weren't calling just to check in on us.” Munch said to Olivia. He was not sure what to expect but he knew there was something up if Olivia was wanting to talk with him about something.

“Cragen called Cabot after filling in Elliot and Finn about the case. He called to see if she could use her connections to help you find a family court lawyer to gain custody of Katie. Cabot made some calls and she has a friend who can help you gain custody. Their name is Rachel Corbin. She’s willing to come meet you at the hospital to talk to you.” Olivia told Munch.

The detective knew that he would have had to get custody of Katie sooner or later. At least it would be taken care of sooner. And Katie would not have to be put into a foster home and go through the foster care system. The poor girl had already been through enough in the past few days and there was no need to rip her away from the only other family member she had in the city.

“That’s good. I’m not leaving the hospital anytime soon.” Munch said. “Did she say when this lawyer would be coming over to the hospital?”

“Cabot didn’t say but it would be sometime today. Before I go, is there anything we could do for you and Katie?” Olivia asked.

Munch thought for a moment. If Katie was going to be having an extended stay with him then he was going to need a lot more of her things. At his apartment he kept small things like toiletries, socks and underwear, a pair of pajamas and a few spare changes of clothes for Katie. Plus since Katie was three years old after all and would want her favorite toys with her. There were a couple of her father’s old toys from his childhood that he has saved at John’s apartment but Katie still usually brought a few of her toys whenever she had stayed with him.  And he definitely did not have enough for her as it could be a long stay depending on how long they took to find Ashley and any legal actions that she would face whenever she was brought back to the city.

“Is the apartment still blocked off? I don’t have enough things to take care of Katie like clothes, and she is going to want some of her toys with her. I would go but I can’t leave Katie. I can give you my spare key to the apartment.” Munch told Olivia.

“You don’t have to leave her. We can go to the apartment and get the stuff. I can see if they cleared the scene and pack some of her stuff up to bring to you.” Olivia said to John.

“Thanks Olivia.” Munch said. “I really appreciate it.” John honestly did not know how he would be doing without people helping him right now.

“You’re welcome. Take care of Katie. Give us a call if you need anything.” Olivia said before she hung up the phone.

Munch flipped his phone closed and then put it in his pocket. As he did this he heard the sound of Katie’s little voice calling out for him. So he turned and went back over to where Katie was laying in the hospital bed. He sat down in the chair next to her and asked “What is it sweetie?”

“Bubba, why you go over there?” Katie asked as her little hand reaching out towards her grandfather’s. If he was not sitting on the bed next to her she still wanted to at least hold his hand. Munch took her small hand into his own, knowing it was reassuring to Katie that he was there.

“I had to answer the phone sweetie. I didn’t leave you, I was only on the phone for a little bit.  It was Olivia. She came over to talk to us last night remember? She just called to tell me a few things.” Munch told Katie.

The little girl thought about that for a moment and said “OK Bubba. Watch Elmo with me?”

“Of course honey.” Munch said as he got comfortable and watched the show while holding onto Katie’s hand. Anything to make her happy.

Around one in the afternoon Katie had fallen asleep after lunch. Most of the morning Katie had asked for snacks, saying she was hungry, but the doctors wanted to make sure she ate slowly and did not throw up anything she ate. So when her lunch had come she had eaten it pretty happily. Munch was glad that Katie was taking a nap as she needed the sleep after the night she had. The little girl had gotten to the age where naptime was a bit more of a battle so the fact she had gone down without much of a fight after all was a miracle within itself.

Munch had watched Katie for a few moments to make sure that she was asleep before he turned off the tv in her hospital room. He had gotten the newspaper to read while Katie slept. Right as he was starting to read an article there was a knock on the door. John put the newspaper on the side table and out of the corner of his eye made sure that Katie was sleeping. The detective walked over to the door then and opened it.

There was a woman standing there in front of the door. She did not seem to be too much younger than John did, in her mid forties and was carrying a briefcase in her left hand. She was dressed in a light blue pantsuit outfit. “Are you John Munch?” The woman asked. “My name is Rachel Corbin. Alex Cabot told me you could be in use of my services.”

Oh right. This was the family court lawyer. To be honest, Munch had forgotten about her coming over while making sure Katie ate her lunch and watched Sesame Street with her. Munch really had to call Alex Cabot later on to thank her for what she was doing for him right now as it was a huge favor that she had done for him.

“Yes that’s me. Come in. Just be quiet, I just got my granddaughter down for a nap and I don’t want to wake her.” Munch said as he stood aside to let the lawyer into the hospital room.

“Of course. I understand completely. I have three daughters of my own.” Rachel said as she walked in as Munch closed the door behind her. The woman then proceeded to sit in the chair across from the one next to Katie’s bed and put her briefcase by her feet. She opened the briefcase to take out her notepad and pen.

John walked back over to the chair near where Katie was asleep and sat down. Talking to a lawyer about taking custody of his only grandchild was never something that the grandfather ever thought that he would have to do but here he was. But at least with Katie in his custody it would reassure Munch that Katie was safe and that she couldn’t be abandoned again.

“How much do you know already?” Munch asked Rachel as he was not sure if this woman knew much about the situation at all. He was certain Cragen had told Cabot the information that he and Olivia had told him.

“Cabot told me what your captain told her this morning.” Rachel said. “Considering the circumstances, I can file for a petition to have temporary custody of your granddaughter. And because the hospital needs to release your granddaughter to a parent or guardian, I can get an emergency hearing set for sometime this week.” Rachel told Munch. “I just want to ask a couple of questions.”

Munch sat back and took in everything that Rachel told him and nodded slightly, it all made sense to him. He didn’t care too much about the terms as long as Katie was with him. “Ask away.” He said as he re-adjusted himself in the uncomfortable hospital chair.

“I know that your son was young and your daughter in law is also young, but did they ever prepare a will where they had stated what would happen if they were unable to raise their daughter?” Rachel asked. “If they do have a will it could be extremely helpful to you.”

“They did prepare a will, they were advised to after my granddaughter was born. I don’t know the name of the lawyer who they went to but they did ask me to raise her if something were to happen to the both of them.” Munch replied.

“Well I can see if I can locate the lawyer they used for creating their will. But also I have to ask about any other family members in Kaitlynn’s life.” Rachel said. “Besides yourself, who does she have on your side of the family?”

Munch looked back at Katie for a moment as she continued to nap before answering the lawyer’s question. “Katie’s father, my son, was killed in a car accident in January and his mother and I spilt up when my son was really young but we shared custody. My ex wife had another child after our divorce, Katie’s aunt. My ex’s mother is still alive that is all I really know about my ex’s side. They live in Baltimore so Katie only sees them a  few times a year.” He said. “And I have a brother whom Katie has seen here in the city.”

“And her mother’s side of the family?” Rachel questioned. “How much do you know about them?”

Munch didn’t know Ashley’s family well. Having only met her parents and her siblings a few times and had only met the extended family at the wedding. And it had been a few years since the wedding had happened. But they all seemed like decent people. “Her parents live in Boston most of the time but also have a home in Orlando. They are caring for their aging parents and Ashley has two older brothers and two older sisters in the Boston area. I don’t know much else about her family.

Rachel wrote some things down on the notepad. “How active are you in your granddaughter’s life?” she asked.

“Pretty active. I moved up to New York from Baltimore back in ‘99 to take a job up here. She was about 18 months old when I did. Before that I saw her whenever my son and her mother were in Baltimore. But after moving here I saw her a lot more and helped her parents out. But after my son died I made a point to spend more time with her, babysit her, let her spend the night with me, have dinner with her and her mom. Stuff like that.” Munch told Rachel.

“And do you think you are going to be able to provide the care  Kaitlynn needs and provide a stable home for her?” Rachel asked.

Munch knew because he worked as a detective he worked off hours and that those hours were long. There had been times he had to postpone plans with Katie because of a case and not being able to leave the squad room. But he would do whatever he could for Katie because he loved her so much, he couldn’t lose her too. And the judge may see his job as a hindrance in his ability to be there for Katie but he would make sure that was not the case.

“I know my job as a detective keeps me busy and I work odd and long hours, but I already have taken care of my granddaughter and I know how to take care of her the way her parents would want her to be taken care of. And I would do whatever I need to do for her. I love her so much and would not let anything bad happen to her.” Munch told Rachel. “She’s gone through enough hell.”

The conversation between Munch and Rachel continued for another hour where Rachel explained to Munch what the court would be like and what he should expect. As Rachel was finishing some notes up Rachel asked “Do you have anything else you want to ask me?”

John thought for a moment, his mind going a thousand different directions at the same time. There was so much he was trying to figure out. So he just shook his head no. “No. I can call if I think of something. Thank you.” Munch said getting up so he could see Rachel out the door

After Rachel packed her things up and followed Munch to the door before stopping the doorway and said “You have nothing to worry about. I don’t see any problems with the court awarding you custody. Give me a call if you need something. I’ll let you know the court date.” Rachel said as she walked out the door.

Munch closed the door behind Rachel heading back to the chair next to Katie’s hospital bed. Amazingly the young girl had slept through the entire meeting with Rachel which the grandfather was happy about because he didn’t want little Katie to overhear anything Rachel said and to worry about things that was something she didn’t need to worry about. But one thing was for sure there was no way Munch would let anyone take Katie away from him.

It did not take long for Rachel to call Munch back with a court date. She was able to get an emergency hearing for the next day. And that was a good thing because Katie’s doctor had said she would be able to go home the next day because she was in better shape. They  had taken her off the IV fluids and she was back to drinking what she would normally drink and she was able to keep meals down. And the nurses said because they did not have the facilities for it that Katie would have to wait to have a bath for when she came home. But one of the nurses had come and washed Katie’s hair and combed it out for her and braided it.

John did not know how to do Katie’s hair besides brushing it and help put a headband in Katie’s hair. So he was glad the nurse had done it for him and it seemed to have make the little girl happy which is something she needed after what she had been through. As Katie was eating her dinner and watching Blue’s Clues on the television. The dinner happened to be one of her favorite foods, mac and cheese. Her face had a bit of sauce on it but Munch would wait until she was done eating before he wiped her face. Munch had ordered a sandwich from the hospital cafeteria for himself. It wasn’t great but the detective was not expecting much from a  hospital cafeteria. He had explained to Katie that she would be getting to leave tomorrow which made her happy but he had not said anything about him having to go to court. Munch did not plan on telling her about that until he had to go, knowing she would most likely freak out.

“Bubba?” Katie asked as she was finishing up her dinner but her eyes remained glued to the TV.

Munch was in the middle of taking a bite of his sandwich, so once he swallowed he wiped his mouth with a napkin and said “Yes sweetie?”

“What happen when I leave?” Katie asked. “We go back my house? Cause I want to go back home. Bun Bun too.”

John sat for a moment thinking about how he should explain this to Katie. She was only three years old she truly did not understand what was going on right now. The detective wanted to make sure that he did not make Katie feel upset or anxious about anything going on right now.

“Well sweetie I am going to have a friend get some of your stuff from your house and they will bring it to me because you are going to stay with Bubba for a bit while they find mommy ok? It’s like when you come sleepover with Bubba. OK? Won’t that be fun?” Munch asked hoping Katie would be OK with that.

“A sleepover? Bun Bun too? And my dollies?” Katie asked as she finished her dinner then, the tray completely empty, she had even eaten her green beans.

Munch took the wet wipe that came with the meal and wiped the mac and cheese off her face even as Katie made a face and turned away as she did not like the feeling of the wipe on her face. After throwing away the wet wipe he answered Katie’s question. “Yes Bun bun is invited too. I know you would be lonely without him. And your dollies will come too. I’ll tell my friend to get what you want, OK?” Munch said.

“OK Bubba and bun Bun a girl not boy” Katie said correcting her grandfather slightly annoyed her grandfather had called her stuffed bunny a boy.

John couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle and said “I’m sorry. Well, please tell Bun Bun that she is coming with us.”

Katie smiled at this and said. “OK. Cause Bun Bun scared when she alone. And she no like being alone.”

“Well we wouldn’t want that, would we?” Munch said leaning over and kissing Katie on the top of her head and tucked away a piece of stray hair that had gotten loose from the braid the nurse had done.

“Bubba? Can you come cuddle me?” Katie asked from her place in the hospital bed. “Please?”

“Of course, sweetie.” Munch said, unable to deny Katie this small request. Plus he was dying to get out of the uncomfortable hospital chair. The grandfather got up and gently sat down on the bed next to Katie and sat on the edge of the bed.

The little girl instantly snuggled right up to him with her bunny in her arm as her head rested on his chest and she kept watching Blue’s Clues. John let out a small smile as he leaned down and kissed the top of Katie’s head and held her close. Hopefully tomorrow good news would come.

[lavidaatravezdeunavion]

Week 3

June 30 

We had to be up and ready to go at 7:40am because today we were going to be driving to the Jesuit Missionaries about 3 hours away. Before the missionaries, we went to an amethyst mine. It was cool to hear about it and they said that they don't export the gems so the only way to get it is by buying directly. The gems were breathtaking! 

After another two hour drive we finally arrived at the San Ignacio's missionaries and ate at the comedor right in front. I got a pollo milanesa and a salad. I crushed the salad but the pollo was average so I didn't finish it. 

After lunch we toured the missionary. Our tour guide explained to us that these missionaries were sent to spread the word of God to the Guarani People. They had built multiple communities in the surrounding area including brazil and paraguay. Later they were taken out and some of the guarani people went back to living in the jungle. San Ignacio was abandoned and destroyed, so the restoration is only partial. It was cool to be able to walk through their common spaces and know that a couple hundred years ago there were indigenous people walking on the same grounds. 

The tour finished and we loaded up on the bus for the three hour ride back home. We ate dinner at the hotel and I got a pumpkin soup as a starter and let me tell you I was a little on edge because I’ve never had pumpkin soup but it was sooooo delicious. Since it was a starter they only gave me a little but I would’ve been happy eating a whole bowl of it, 9/10. For my main course I got the fish of the day which was “pacu” with a side of mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes didn’t disappoint but the fish could’ve been better. Not my cup of tea. And for dessert I got a flan. 

After dinner we all went to bed since we had to get up even earlier to head to the waterfalls.

July 1

We left the hotel at about 7:30am and headed to the waterfalls that was only 30min from our hotel. We were trying to get on the first train up to the waterfalls so that it wouldn’t be as crowded on the lookout. It was perfect timing because as we wrapped up taking all of our pictures a crowd of people were walking up. If you are able to get on the first or second train in Iguazú falls it honestly will make taking pictures a lot easier. 

After we saw “la garganta del diablo” we went to the little store they had and I got an empanadas de espinaca y queso (spinach and cheese). When I paid for it the guy told me to be careful with the animals. But I realized that the birds here are VERY vicious. I stayed inside to eat my empanada but my professor went out to drink her coffee and eat her empanada and got attacked by some birds! This is why they have cages specifically made for people to eat in LOL. 

We did another trail to see the falls from a different angle and it was just mind blowing. 

After the trails we had little time for lunch. I didn’t want to eat too much because we were going to be taking a boat tour right after. From one of the comedores I got some chicken and rice. While on this trip there are two things that I really miss: rice and beans. They have rice here but they usually eat potatoes and beans are not very popular here so my Salvadoran blood has been a little sad.

Anyway we got on the boat and I definitely recommend doing it if you are able. They give you a waterproof bag to put your stuff in and I also recommend taking your shoes off and putting them in the bag. I was also wearing a poncho which helped protect me, but regardless you will get wet. They take you really close to the falls and you can take some pictures in front but then they tell you to put your phones away because they take you sooooooo close to the falls and get soaked!! 

Once the ride was over we got back on our tour bus and headed back to the hotel.

For dinner, we ate at the hotel and I got the pumpkin soup, salad and the chicken milanesa with a side of mashed potatoes. Pretty good meal, favorite of course was the soup.

After dinner some friends and I went to the store to get something to drink. I got a white boxed wine that was only 55 pesos! (~$1.30). If you were wondering, no I did not finish it. 

July 2

We were able to sleep this morning till about 9am since we had to leave the hotel at 10am. We got on the plane and headed back to Buenos Aires.

 After we got off the plane and back to the resi (which I sort of missed) we dropped off laundry and got a little snack.

Later that night we went to “Caracas bar” to watch the Brazil vs Argentina game. I got this drunk called guarapanita which was rum and fruit juice. I also got some tostones de carne which really hit. The bar was a really cool and had a big screen to watch the game on but unfortunately the energy in the bar was really off. If you don’t know Argentina lost and it was really sad :(.

July 3

I was so excited to wake up today because my sister was going to be coming to Buenos Aires! I got up at around 10:30 and went to brunch with some girls at this cafe called adobo. We ended up walking but then couldn’t find it and then google maps said it was twenty min away so we got a taxi but what we didn’t realize that there were two locations #whoops. Anyway the food was bomb. The bagel sandwich just hit differently and Nutella and banana French toast was to die for! 

After breakfast I went back to the resi and picked my things for our trip to Uruguay later that evening. I picked up my laundry and waited for my sister to arrive. Once my sister got there we went to exchange some money. I thought that Uruguay was going to be cheaper than Argentina for some reason but I was wrong. The exchange rate right now is about .55 Uruguayan peso for 1 Argentine peso. 

We went to a cafe near Plaza Serrano called “La Panera Rosa” and I got a Chicken Rigatti Pasta. It was honestly one of the best meals ive had. It really had a lot of sauce and contrary to what Future says you can really never have too much sauce.

After lunch we got in a taxi and headed to the port and got on a Buquebus. Which is a ferry and then a charter bus to Montevideo,Uruguay. 

We checked into our hostel and then I messaged a friend I had met back in 2016 through Amigos de las Americas a nonprofit organization that I volunteered for. When my friend said he'd love to meet up I was ecstatic! We went to a random cafe near by and got a Chivito, which is a typical Uruguayan sandwhich and of course some wine.

 After my friend Miqueas gave us a little tour of the city and we headed to a bar to get a night cap. 

July 4

Happy fourth of July!!

This morning we got up and checked out of our hostel since we would be traveling to Colonia later. We walked to a restaurant to get some “breakfast” even though it was 11:30 am. My sister and I shared a milanesa that came with two fried eggs and some fries and potato salad. No need to mention the restaurants' name there are probably better ones out there. 

After lunch, we headed to Montevideo Shopping because my friend works around there so he said he would meet us up after he got out. Sooo in the meantime, we got to walk around and window shop. 

Once my friend got out of work my friend took us to the coast to get a good view and he knew I had a blog so he wanted to make sure I got good pictures! ( Gracias Miqueas!!! <3) 

After the photo session, we headed to the bus terminal and got our tickets for the bus ride to Colonia. We decided to get a quick bite to eat in the terminal to this restaurant called “La Mostaza”. My sister and I shared Ravioli, which was pretty bomb. The filling for the ravioli was like spinach and it was different but definitely tasty.

Once we finished we headed back to the hostel to pick up our luggage and then got a taxi back to the terminal and then got on the bus for Colonia. Once we arrived to Colonia I was a bit nervous because I did not see too many taxis but luckily once we walked outside there was a stand and then headed to our hostel and went to bed.

July 5

Today we got to sleep in again and then got ready to go get some breakfast. We went to this cute coffee shop called “Colonia Sandwich and coffee shop”. I got a roast beef sandwich and some tea. The place was really cute and since its winter time here they had blankets for everyone who sat outside which definitely helped. 

There were a bunch of birds surrounding us it was a little scary but more cute lol.

After lunch we just walked around the town which is really small so it wasn’t too long. We saw a lighthouse and some cool views on the coast. 

Later we did some more walking and found the drawbridge that we couldn’t find earlier. We also gained a new friend along the way lol. 

We decided to get a little snack to hold us over so we could try and eat dinner at a “normal” time. (Dinner in Argentina and Uruguay is usually eaten around 9 or 10pm so its been something difficult to adjust too) We walked into this restaurant that was right in the center, I wish I could tell you the name but the sign outside literally just said “Restaurant”. Anyway my sister and I shared a Rice with seafood dish and some wine. I loveeeee seafood so this was a perfect combination for me.

 After we decided to walk and get some ice cream at Freddo which is a pretty popular chain here. We got a Dulce de Leche cone.

Much later we went to go get some dinner at a pizza place called “Napo” it was really delicious. You could even see them making your pizza. My sister noticed that the guy making the pizza had a hat on and said that's probably a health code violation but im still here so I guess it's not that big of an issue. My sister and I got a salad and a pepperoni pizza and some red wine. (forgot to take a picture of the pizza sorry!)

After we headed back to the hostel and went to bed.

July 6

Today we woke up and checked out of our hostel and then headed to go get some breakfast. We went to this cute cafe called “Picnic”. I got an orange juice and a caprese empanada and then my sister and I shared a donut which was nothing like ive ever had before 10/10.

Since we had basically seen all the important landmarks we walked around and went window shopping. After we decided to go do a wine tasting at a place called “Buen Suspiro”. We had tried to go there the night before but it was closed. We got some charcuterie and tasted four different wines: Rose, Sauvignon blanc, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Tempranillo. My favorite was the Tempranillo and a close second was the Sauvignon blanc. 

After the taste testing, we went back to collect our belongings and headed to the port to get on the ferry back to Buenos Aires.

Once we got back I helped my sister check into her hostel and then headed back to our resi to work on this blog because it was long overdue!

After I finally caught up we went to dinner at “La Robla”. I got myself a Milanesa with a salad and my sister got a Steak with some mashed potatoes and we shared half a liter of sangria. I didn’t know sangria is literally just wine and fruits lol, the more you know.

For dessert we got a banana split!

After dinner, we walked my sister home and then went to bed.

This week we’ve done a lot of traveling so im excited to be back in BA!

Hasta luego,

T.L.

[illfigureitoutasigoalong]

being there

i was born alone and i will die alone. i have to find a way to romanticize this.

i’ve had an interesting day. i was fine with it until about 5 minutes ago. we carved pumpkins with CL and liam. CL randomly left in the middle of us carving? did not tell anyone he was leaving, just straight up left. at first it really pissed me off but then again he wasn’t raised to be any better than that. i really wonder why CJL and the whole lewis family acts the way they do. where did they go wrong? we were so close once. i digress.

i saw a tumblr post a while back that said something like “i learned a lot about being a friend when i was alone.” it really stuck with me. and now i know why.

anyway the reason i came to my realization: a few weeks ago i was up late and i shed a tear because i love my sister so much. like i truly feel like she is my soul mate (not in a gross creepy romantic way) but i just have a hard time believing i will feel as close to anyone ever as i will feel to her. i have to stop this feeling. because i know she doesn’t feel the same way. it’s not that shes trying to be cruel or intentionally mean, i just really feel as though she simply does not have the capacity to feel that way about me.

she is reserving this feeling for a lover. i literally just realized this, even though i have been putting this together for a few days. 

she told me in the car today when we were having a heart to heart “the other day when you told me you cried cause you love me so much? i love you to death but i’ve never done that.” and it hurt??? like she didn’t say it or mean it in a mean way but i was kind of gutted. and yesterday we were in the kroger parking lot and someone posted on IG “what is the best non sexual act of intimacy you can think of?” and she said “dying of laughter together, or basically everything we (as in she and i) do together but with a boyfriend.”  which is fine! but now it all makes sense.

i used to think all the time to myself “i don’t need anyone, not friends, not a girlfriend or partner, no one else. as long as i have my sister.” but i can’t feel that way anymore. recently as she has had health issues i think about what i would do if i lost her. i feel like i would die too. in a literal sense. but she wouldn’t if she lost me. she has said so. “it would be hard, but i would keep going.”

i’ve never felt so lonely. even when i was in college and i didn’t have friends, or during breakups i always felt her by my side and knew i wasn’t truly alone because i fooled myself into thinking that she felt a connection to me in the same degree. but that isn’t true. god, i feel so.... gutted. i know i used that word already but its how i feel. empty on the inside in the worst way. i feel like i know something now that has changed me. and not for the better.

she is very naive. and when she thinks of love and relationships it’s a very pie in the sky all or nothing kind of thing. she expects her future husband or boyfriend to suddenly fall into place in her life and complete her. and while i definitely hope that happens, it takes work. it takes time. it won’t be perfect in the beginning and all the time. there is no one magical man out there that is absolutely perfect for her in every way. not to say theres no guy out there who loves sports, and tennis shoes, and jesus and respecting women, but also his feet may stink, and his mom may be a bitch, and he might have weird tendencies. 

but shes never been in a relationship so she wouldn’t know that. and i could never tell her because she wouldn’t accept that information from me. she sees me as someone who wouldnt understand because ive been in long term relationships. don’t get me wrong, back when relationships were a far distant concept to me, i too felt that way. when i was a lot younger i thought that when i had a girlfriend everything would magically be perfect. and it doesn’t work that way. not by a long shot. in fact most of the time having a gf made me feel worse in some respects. so.

when i first came out, her reaction hurt me the most. i had never seen firsthand how selfish she could be. and what’s worse is my mom said that it was actually me who was selfish and terrible. she viewed it as me “doing this to our family” and betraying my sister and taking something from her because i was dating her friend. it wasnt until almost 4 years later when i broke up with s, that things feel normal again. who even knows what will happen when i date someone new and they have no excuse not to like her.

not to mention, ever since that moment, when i realized that my sister could never be happy for me getting married or having those kinds of life milstones, i always hoped and prayed that the rest of the “sterotypical life events” would happen to her first. because i know for sure she wouldn’t be able to be happy for me without being sad for herself. i knew she would cry at my wedding because she’s not married, i knew she would be sad for me having kids because she wouldn’t have kids of her own (if that kind of thing would happen to me first). even when i was dating s, i refrained from taking photos, not because i was worried about what people i know would say on social media, but because i didn’t want my sister to see it and resent me.

that has to stop. i can’t keep doing it. i always silence myself in order to make my family comfortable. especially when it comes to me being gay. i don’t watch my tiktoks out loud, i don’t talk about my favorite books and shows and movies because they are all gay. i censor myself in a weird way and they don’t even know i’m doing it. it fucking sucks. and for what? it’s literally not helping anyone.

anyway back to my point. i have to start living for only myself. because i’m all i have.

from here on out, i am doing what i want, especially in terms of my apartment.

on december 1, I am applying to live at marshall. i am buying whatever i want for my place and saving up my money. i’m gonna fill my home with the gayest shit imaginable. this whole time i’ve been refraining from buying things because casey hasn’t even thought that far in advance. oh fucking well. learn to grow up. i feel like she won’t even think about the practicalities of moving until january. but i will be fucking ready.

tomorrow i am going to do things for me to make me feel better. i’m going to go get a bagel and i’m going to dress up for my costume and take photos. i’m going to make molds and sell them. i’m going to pay my taxes. i’m going shopping. i’m going to start living my life the way that i want to because i deserve to. no one who has the amazing things ive been blessed with should be as unhappy as i am.

[kulifefall2019]

Food On & Off Campus

Cyrose Conteh

Michael Smith

Amin Gould

Perry Carpenter

Theme: Food On/Off Campus

Prologue: Brooke-Lynn, a student at Kutztown University, finds it tempting to walk down Main Street especially while trying to avoid “freshman 15.” The smells on Main Street are indescribable, Brooke-Lynn explains the two most common Main Street scents, food and cow manure. Both smells intertwine, but on a good day the cheesy savory smell of Tommy Boys Pizza will take over the rotten egg smell of cow manure. With all the other places to eat down Main Street. Tommy Boys will forever be Brooke-Lynn’s favorite place to eat off campus because they offer good prices for large thin and crispy pizzas. Brooke-Lynn encourages everyone to go to Tommy Boys and try their pizza for the first time because their pizzas aren’t too greasy and most definitely not soggy. If you’re looking for something other than pizza, Tommy Boys is still the place to go, explained Brooke-Lynn. They have amazing cheesy mac n’ cheese bites along with freshly tossed salad and many many more stated Brooke-Lynn. Even though eating off campus can be enjoyable, it can also be pricey, uttered Brooke-Lynn. When she’s not eating off campus her favorite place to eat on campus is Chick-fil-a. Brooke-Lynn explained how waiting in a long line at Chick-fil-a before class can be detrimental if she plans on getting to class on time. South Dining Hall is another place on campus that Brooke-Lynn goes to eat. She talks about the salad and bagel bar being her favorite. On days where she wants to save money, South Dining Hall is the place she’ll go for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Brooke-Lynn is not alone in trying to navigate the world of food at Kutztown on and off campus. Food is necessary for all students. There is not a single person who doesn’t think about it on a daily basis. In this blog post, we will cover food at Kutztown in four acts: Act I South Dining Hall on campus; Act II North Campus on campus; Act III Tommy Boys off campus; and Act IV Pop’s Malt Shoppe off campus. Introducing Act I: South Dining Hall will be Michael.

Act I: South Dining Hall on campus

       I came to KU not knowing to expect I listened to many of my friends telling me about their experiences with their first year of college. My friends told me that it was not what they expected it to be. Most of the them were telling me how they didn’t like the food the cafeteria because there was little variety. My experience with the South Dining Hall has been on and off because sometimes there are good meals and at other times the food is not tasty. I mainly eat at the South Dining Hall at night because we practice until 8:30pm each evening. Many of the stores in the Marketplace are often closing as I just get to the facility after practice most food stores will be just closing. I like to go and eat after practice and often the food is well done, of good quality, and taste great. There are some evenings when I go to South Dining Hall that the quality that the food is not completely cooked and it does not taste very good. I can tell when it’s a good night and bad night because of how the food looks like as it is being served. I know when it’s a good night at south when there are a lot of people in there having fun and enjoying their food. I wanted to obtain an opinion of the South Dining Hall food so I interviewed my roommate Dominick Wilson. Dominick says the food at the South Dining Hall isn't really as good as it was talked up to be. In the beginning the food was okay because it was new to him.

Act II: North Campus on campus

If you’re on the Northside of campus before 8pm you can pick up something at the multitude of places to eat. If you are ballin on a budget, Cub Cafe might be the one for you. This Kutztown dining hall has a large variety of food to choose from, like speciality made sandwiches or freshly made hibachi. However, maybe you’re not feeling like Kutztown served food; maybe you want something with a little more flavor. Let us take a walk over to the Academic Forum to get in the outrageously long Chick Fil A line. Chick Fil A is the Academic Forum’s main attraction with students sometimes flooding out the door to get their hands on some delicious waffle fries. The small line rivaling Chick Fil A’s is that of the unauthentic mexcian cuisine in the AF. However, maybe not of this appeals to you and you are more of a coffee and breakfast person like my friend Emma. One thing Emma likes to get every day when she’s on North Campus is Starbucks. She claims that her favorite time of the day is when she is able to sit in the luxurious Starbucks section of the MSU with her coffee. Emma says before coming to college she was unpleasant that she would have to start making her own coffee, this was before she knew there was a Starbucks right on campus. Know she says that she wouldn’t want to go to any other college in the world. Maybe you can’t pay out of pocket for these wonderful food choices, that is not a problem with having a flex plan. The flex plan at KU is a set amount of currency on every student KU card that allows them to purchase things like Chick Fil A or Starbucks among other things. Whether you want an all you can eat food experience or a higher quality food experience, there’s always something to enjoy on North Campus.

Act III: Tommy Boys off campus

Since coming to kutztown all I have heard is how good tommy boys is and how I need to try it. After trying their pizza i can say it supported it's hype. From the big slices to the overall taste it was worth going. Shane a sophomore here at kutztown when asked how he would describe tommy boy’s described it as “heaven on earth.” Shane says he goes to  tommy boys about once every two weeks and does not get sick of tommy boys food.  

Act IV: Pop’s Malt Shoppe off campus

Since I came to Kutztown in August, I have gone to Pop’s Malt Shoppe at least eight times. Pop’s Malt Shoppe is an amazing family friendly restaurant located on Main Street in Kutztown. With all the amazing food Pop’s has to offer, their ice cream flavors are to die for. Pop’s have over 30 ice cream flavors. My all time favorite flavor at Pop’s  is black raspberry. Their ice cream is so creamy, refreshing, yummy, sweet and rich. Their vintage 50’s style provides a family friendly atmosphere that appeals to all ages. The workers are also very welcoming to students and families. Ali, a fellow freshman, also loves Pop’s. Her favorite thing about Pop’s is the cute 50’s style theme. The checkered walls, red stools, records on the walls, and the music played mixed with the delicious foods to offer will have you addicted to Pop’s Malt Shoppe. She would recommend the mac n’ cheese burger and the mac n’ cheese bites to anyone who’s never eaten at Pop’s. At Pop’s there are so many food options to choose from off the menu. Pop’s have amazing fries, especially their chili cheese fries explained Ali. She talked about how their nacho cheese fries are amazing but when it’s topped with chili, they’re to die for. Pop’s Malt Shoppe is Ali’s favorite place to eat off campus. When she has the time and money, Ali enjoys having their creamy mint chocolate chip ice cream with whip cream and a cherry on top. Although Ali enjoys eating at different places on Main Street, Pop’s Malt Shoppe is still her number one favorite place to eat.

Pop’s Malt Shoppe: Cyrose Conteh

[talialevine]

You Know Not To Disobey

In the beginning of her novel, Women Who Run With The Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes, “Wildlife and the Wild Woman are both endangered species. Over time, we have seen the feminine instinctive nature looted, driven back, and overbuilt. For long periods it has been mismanaged like the wildlife and the wildlands… throughout history, it has been plundered or burnt… natural cycles forced into unnatural rhythms to please others.” I include this quote because I believe that any woman, when looking at how the concept of womanhood has defined and shaped her life, would feel as though a greater force has always been working against her. For this is how I have felt my entire life. Womanhood has mostly been defined for me in my twenty-four years of life on this Earth, yet I have never wavered in my exploration to discover others who share my own definition. In this way I have looked at the concept of womanhood differently as I embark on different periods in my life. This short memoir is dedicated to sharing my vulnerabilities as I have experienced them as a young girl, and as a woman, and the ways in which those vulnerabilities have defined and shaped the way I look at womanhood.

When I was ten years old I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. While my father played an absent role, my mom was hyper-controlling. She would check my testing kit every week, eventually causing me to fake my numbers with control solution in order to please her. Both my parents tried to limit my activities in fear of my Type 1 getting out of control. This taught me that in turn, my life was limited and I would never be able to do the things “normal children” could.

I was taught how a woman is “supposed to be” from a young age. Being a daughter of two post-World War II generation parents I grew up in a household of my parent’s making. As Dr. Estes writes, the “post-World War II generation grew up in a time when women were infantilized and treated as property… parents who abused their children were simply called ‘strict,’ when the spiritual lacerations of profoundly exploited women were referred to as ‘nervous breakdowns,’ when females who managed to slip the collar for a moment or two of life were branded ‘bad.’” Although the world began to progress, parents growing up in this era had clear morals and values instilled into their way of life, and this significantly affected the ways in which I was raised, and how my shortcomings were handled by my parents. When I disobeyed, my father took an authoritarian approach. Although my father never hit me, he had a particular style of punishment that was terrifying to my sensitive young self. He liked to back me into a corner, so I would have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I recall once running from him and barricading myself in my bathroom (no doors had locks on them in my home growing up) with furniture to try to keep him out. When he finally got to me he would point his finger in my face and grit his teeth. My father taught me that obedience was key, and lack of, was the ultimate betrayal. Throughout this, my mother was silent. She too, was taught that disobedience of her husband was unacceptable. So she would put her head down and say nothing.

A Film on Family Life in the 1950′s

When I was fourteen years of age, my family travelled to Akumal, Mexico, as we did every holiday season since I was little. We went with some dear family friends, whose children were the same age as my brother and I. When we rented a golf cart to drive around the village, my father warned me not to drive as you had to be sixteen to get behind the wheel. However, one day as my father and I, along with Mary and Rick (her father) drove home in the golf cart, Mary asked if we could drive back into town without our fathers to check out a store. Rick said that was fine, and my father did not protest, in fact, he said nothing. We dropped them off at the condominium complex and drove back to the store. Mary didn’t find what she was looking for and so we got back into the golf cart and started to drive back towards the condo, however we stopped suddenly when we saw a blue van speeding towards us, the same style that my father had rented. As the van parked, my father stormed out. He ran towards me. His face was red, his eyes were crazy, and he grabbed me violently by the arm. Mary, Rick, and I all protested at once.

“Get the fuck out of my way,” he said.

“Mick, please, it was my fault!” Rick pleaded. My father forcefully dragged me into the car, as I was not going willingly.

“You are never to disobey me, you knew what I said,” my father stammered through gritted teeth.

“Dad, Rick said I could go, you didn’t hear -” I tried, but my father told me to shut up, and I did as I was told. We drove back to the condo in silence, as I tried to hold in my sobbing. He parked and opened my door, grabbing me once more by my wrist.

“Dad, stop, you’re hurting me!” I cried. He started walking faster, so I could barely keep up with him, and every few steps I would slip and fall. He didn’t stop, he continued to drag me all the way through the outdoor lobby, and all the way up three long flights of stairs to our condo. When we got through the door he physically threw me into my room.

“You are never to disobey me again, you hear?” He asked.

“Fuck you,” I said through sobs. His eyes flickered, like I had set something off in his body, something violent and uncontrollable.

“You will stay in here until you apologize,” he said and locked the door from the outside so I couldn’t escape. About five minutes later I could hear Mary and Rick arguing with my father. He told them to leave. I still had my cell phone so I called my mother, hysterical. Her response?

“Well you knew better than to disobey him.” She hung up.

Years later my therapist and I went over this story with my father, hoping to receive some means of reconciliation. He told me, “Sometimes you have to forgive yourself, and I have forgiven myself.” This incident along with years of borderline physical and mental abuse, caused me to view my womanhood as something that made me less than. It showed me that I was not important, my suffering did not matter, and my only job in this world was to obey the men who sought to control me.

After my grades were unsatisfactory for my father’s liking in my junior year of highschool, a similar event unfolded. This time, his words affected my future. He told me I would not get into college, “hell with these grades you wouldn’t even get into CU,” he said. He told me if I didn’t get my act together I could end up in the street, as I certainly would not be welcome in his household. My mother watched me cry, and she watched as my father told me crying was weak, so stop it. I stopped crying, went into my room and swallowed every pill I could find. I passed out, pissed my pants, and by the time my mother came into the room to check on me my blood sugars were lingering dangerously low. I spent two days in the hospital. The doctors wanted to admit me to the psychiatric clinic and put me on suicide watch, but my father protested. He told them he was a doctor and he was taking his daughter home. I was released “Against Medical Advice”.

When I woke up in my bed the following morning, I was covered in sticky patches. I had a large bandage where medical staff had tried to place the IV while I was unconscious. There were two plastic medical wristbands on each of my wrists, stating my name and what I was admitted for; attempted suicide. My father was the first to notice I was awake. He told me breakfast was served and to please meet him in the greenhouse, where our dining room table was. Groggy and confused, I walked into the greenhouse. My father, mother, and brother had already started eating. Bagels, lox, cream cheese, tomatoes, egg-whites, onions, and orange juice were all laid out beautifully on the table. I sat down and my father started speaking.

“We know you didn’t really want to kill yourself,” my father said, pausing to swallow some OJ, “and we know you did it to get back at us.” I didn’t say a word. Neither did my brother or my mother.

“So,” my father continued, “we want you to set up a plan to move on and let us know how you plan on getting back on track in school.” He continued eating his bagel. When I didn’t respond, he said, “Understood?” I nodded and left the table. It was never brought up again. Not once. To this day we do not talk about it or acknowledge it ever happened. Which is fitting, given how the next seven years of my life have played out.

This early exposure to rules regarding how women are supposed to act dictated how I viewed myself in the world. I did not feel I was allowed to speak up when wrongdoing was inflicted. I felt that my sexualization in the eyes of men and women was to be taken as a compliment. I was promiscuous through college, craving attention from others in order to prove my self worth. Freshman year, when I met a group of girls who accepted me, I felt like I had finally found my place in the world. These girls had a group of guy friends, a year older but five times as rowdy. They hosted wild parties on the hill and I was grateful to be liked by them. As Sophomore year rolled around, the girls and I moved into a house together. We frequently partied with the group of boys, and eventually each and every one of my roommates had slept with one or more of them, everyone except me. I began to receive unwanted attention from the boys, as I assumed they were aware that I was the only girl in the house that had not been “conquered” by the boys. One boy in particular, Nick, who had an ongoing relationship with Maddie, one of my roommates, began to show a particular interest in me. He would corner me at parties and ask for “just one kiss”. Each time someone else intervened, reading the uncomfortable situation. The first few times I laughed girlishly and tried to play the situation off casually, however, soon I developed a concrete disliking for Nick, one I was extremely verbal about both to Nick and Maddie.

One night all the girls in the house decided to go out, but I had a test the next day and decided to stay in. A few hours later I heard footsteps and loud noises upstairs. At first I assumed the girls had come home early but I soon identified the source of the voices; Nick and Lucas, another boy from the house. They started banging on Mikela’s door, shouting for her. We had been chewed out the day before for throwing a party at our house that disturbed our neighbors, so I immediately ran upstairs to calm them down. They were huge coke-heads, and they were fucked up.

“Talia!” Nick cooed.

“Please be quiet, Mikela and Maddie aren’t here,” I said.

“So you’re here alone?” Nick asked.

“Yes,” I said annoyed, not realizing my mistake. Nick smiled.

“Well,” he said taking off his shirt and walking downstairs, “Let’s have some fun!”

He crashed down the stairs and I followed, hoping to get him to leave. Lucas stayed upstairs. I told Nick to leave. He did not. He did the same song and dance I was getting so used to. Again, I refused his advances. But this time, there was no one to intervene, and he got mad. He slammed my body into the kitchen cupboards. He told me to obey him, words I was accustomed to adhering to. He went into my room. I only wanted him to leave. I told him this. I said I wouldn’t tell anyone, just please leave. He smiled, and I knew what was going to happen next. He knew what was going to happen next. And I let it happen.

I didn’t tell anyone for weeks. My roommates only knew Nick had been violent because of the damage they inflicted to the house. I slowly stopped going to my classes. Planned out how I was going to end it all. I would walk up towards Chautauqua and drown in the lake. Finally I told my best friend, Emily. Then I told my mom. She sent a cheesecake from New York and a package from Europe, and arranged for me to see a therapist. She did not want me to prosecute. My father and I have never spoken about the incident. When I finally told my other roommates, it was only because they were planning on going out with Nick that evening. At first they were sympathetic, then we never talked about it again. They continued to hang out with Nick (you can’t make this up).

Why Society Defends Rape

 I eventually dropped out of school. I went to a recovery center for five days in Arizona, but they drugged me heavily and most of the meetings were for drug addicts and alcoholics. I moved back in with my parents in their home in Arizona. They let me stay there for about five months before they let me know they were disappointed with my progress and I would need to go back to school and move out, which I did. I went back to school for one year. Then I dropped out again. After months of suicidal thoughts, I decided to leave Colorado, and Boulder in particular, for good. I moved to Arizona and got a job working at a clothing boutique. About a year later I decided to re-enroll in online courses.

I am now finishing my degree and am set to graduate from CU Boulder in August of this year. I have not overcome my past. I have a lot more work to do in order to become a stronger woman. I do not feel strong, but I am alive. Perhaps that is the secret of life; to endure.

My story is not over. The concept of womanhood that has defined my youth, will not define my life. As Dr. Estes writes, the Wild Woman is an endangered species, but I am a Wild Woman, and I will not be tamed.

[the--blackdahlia]

Under My Skin (Sam x Reader)

Title: Under My Skin

Summary:  (Y/n) went missing on a food run five months ago. When she is found, everything seems normal until it's not anymore.

Warnings: Kidnapping, demon blood

AN: Hope you enjoy! Feedback is welcome

She had just been on a food run one morning. She woke up early and decided to treat the boys to Panera. She kissed Sam’s forehead before she left and snagged the keys to the Impala, hearing Dean groan some in his sleep.

 That was the last she had been heard from.

 When Sam woke up, she wasn’t back. When Dean went outside for ice, the car was still parked in front of the motel room and the keys were laying on the hood. And her purse was laying by the front tire.

 They had searched the town over and over for weeks. They had called Bobby, who sent out his own bulletin for hunters to keep their eyes and ears open. But (Y/n) was nowhere to be found. It was four months ago, going on five, and Sam couldn’t function anymore.

 “We’ll find her.” Dean said. Sam stared ahead at the newest motel they were staying at. He didn’t want to leave the last one, or the one before that. What if she came back and they were gone? Dean stared at his brother. The silence was unnerving. “Sammy.”

 “It’s been almost five months Dean.” Sam said, his voice soft. “No signs. How are we supposed to find her?”

 “I…” Dean started to say, when there was a sound of papers fluttering. He turned to see Cas standing there, holding someone in his arms.

 “I found her on the side of the road a few states over.” Cas explained. Sam jumped to his feet and ran towards them. He knew who it was. He took (Y/n) from Cas and held her in his arms.

 “Cas, what happened?” Dean asked, walking over to the angel.

 “I was in Nebraska, doing some recon. And I found her lying on the side of the road.” Cas explained. “She didn’t seem hurt, but there was Sulphur around her.” Dean and Sam looked at each other. That’s when there was coughing and groaning coming from Sam’s arms, drawing his attention away from the other two men in the room.

 “S-Sammy?” (Y/n) said, her eyes fluttering open.

 “I’m here.” He said, cupping her face and smiling. “What happened? Where did you go?” (Y/n) looked up into his eyes, trying hard to remember but coming up empty.

 “I don’t know.” She said. “I just remember I wanted to get us Panera for breakfast. I wanted a bagel.” She slowly moved so she was sitting on the bed by Sam. She was a little light headed and she couldn’t figure out why. Sam placed a comforting hand on her back to keep her sitting up. Cas walked over to her then and touched her forehead.

 “She’s telling the truth.” Cas said, stepping back. She slumped against Sam’s side for a moment, groaning a little. “She doesn’t remember what happened to her.”

 “(Y/n)?” Sam asked, looking down at her.

 “I’m okay.” She said softly. She could feel his strong arm keeping her safe against his side. “I’m hungry though. I feel like I haven’t ate in months.”

 “I’ll get us something.” Dean said, grabbing his jacket. “Come on Cas.”

 “But I wish to stay and talk to (Y/n).” Cas said. He had been searching for her too, but Dean knew that Sam needed time with his girl. He grabbed the angel’s arm and dragged him from the room, leaving Sam and (Y/n) alone.

 “I thought I had lost you.” Sam whispered softly, holding her close. “I love you so much.” (Y/n) smiled and snuggled into his chest. She caught a familiar smell when she was close to him, but just passed it off as remembering him.

 ****

 (Y/n) seemed to bounce back easy, like she hadn’t even gone missing for five months. She was right back to helping Sam with research and cracking sarcastic jokes with Dean. Everything seemed to be running smoothly. A little too smoothly. The Winchester luck was just going to have to change things. Especially when Cas showed up.

 “There’s demons in this town?” Dean groaned. “Fantastic. Can’t catch a break, can we?”

 “It’s ok grumpy cat.” (Y/n) said, patting his arm. “We’ve dealt with demons before.” Dean and Sam looked at each other. They hadn’t expected (Y/n) to jump back into hunting so soon.

 “We better move before they leave.” Cas said.

 “(Y/n), are you sure you’re up for this?” Sam asked. She smiled sweetly at Sam.

 “Of course.” She said. She was starting to feel hungry again though. But for what, she didn’t know. She pushed the feeling aside and got her weapons ready for a hunt.

 ****

 Sam and Dean went one way, Cas and (Y/n) went another. As much as Sam wanted to go off with (Y/n), he knew that Cas would probably be able to protect her better. And if demons had taken her in the first place, he wanted to get his hands on them without her around.

 “Dean, does (Y/n) seem off to you?” Sam asked as they walked, guns out.

 “She’s been through a lot.” Dean said. “We’ve came back a lost worse from less than she’s dealt with.”

 “We don’t even know what she dealt with.” Sam sighed. “I just wish I knew so I could help her.” Dean was about to respond when someone ran in front of them down a hallway. Without even looking at each other, the Winchester brothers took off after it.

 ****

 “Cas!” (Y/n) called out as something ran into him and threw him. He hit the wall with a hard thud. The figure turned to look at her, black eyes staring her down.

 “We meet again.” The demon said, standing up and walking towards (Y/n).

 “Get back!” (Y/n) said. But the demon kept coming closer. “I said get back!” She tossed up her hands in defense. The demon stopped moving, frozen in place. (Y/n) lowered her hands slowly, allowing the demon to move. Sam and Dean ran to where Cas was then, looking up as (Y/n) raised her hand again, freezing the demon in place.

 “What the…” Dean started to say as the demon coughed up smoke and disappeared, the body falling to the floor.

 “(Y/n)?” Sam asked, standing up slowly and walking towards her. (Y/n) stared down at her hands.

 It all came crashing back to her like a semi hitting a car.

 ****

 She woke up, her hands handcuffed to railings on a bed. But that wasn’t what woke her. The feeling of something sticking in her arm. She looked over to see an IV line running from her arm up to a pole. The pole had two bags of something red. Blood.

 “Well, I see my patient is awake.” A man said. He wasn’t dressed like a doctor. “Human experiment number 0573.”

 “What are you doing?” (Y/n) managed to ask, her mouth feeling like it was stuffed full of cotton.

 “Don’t worry. It won’t hurt.” His eyes turned black. “Much.” (Y/n) struggled then, trying to pull herself free from the restraints that held her in place.

 “What are you doing to me?!” (Y/n) screamed. The man smiled.

 “Well, we’ll block this part out when we release you back to the general public.” He said with a shrug, pulling up a stool to watch the red liquid travel down the line and into her arm. “Demon blood is as good as any vitamin you’ll take. You won’t feel as hungry until the need for more hits you. And Sammy boy will be able to tell you all about that.”

 “Stop! Please!” (Y/n) begged.

 “You’re just one of our little test subjects.” The demon said, laughing. “Hopefully, it won’t kill you like it did the others.” He stood up, laughing as she screamed.

 ****

 “(Y/n)!” Sam begged, shaking her gently. “Wake up please.” (Y/n) opened her eyes and blinked, tears falling down her cheeks. Dean and Cas were standing over them, watching.

 “They did this to me.” She whispered.

 “Did what?” Sam asked, cupping her face. She set up, crying harder now. He pulled her into his chest. Now she knew why he smelled so good. The last bit of Azazel still was inside of him.

 “I’m the girl with the demon blood.” (Y/n) whispered. Sam looked over at his brother and the angel. He could feel (Y/n) shaking in his arms. “I remember it. All five months. They kept me tied to a bed and fed me demon blood on and off through an IV.” She coughed. “They said I was an experiment.”

 “I wasn’t enough?” Sam asked. He looked up at Dean. (Y/n) shook a little more.

 “They said you weren’t the chosen one anymore.” (Y/n) whispered. “They were testing to see who could survive. I guess I passed their test.” Sam picked her up then, pulling her to his chest.

 “Let’s get out of here.” Sam said. “We’ll figure this out after we leave this trap.”

 ****

 (Y/n) went right to sleep when they got to the motel. Dean, Sam, and Cas stayed awake late into the night, trying to figure out what to do. It was bad enough when Sam had demon blood, because he was the last of the psychics. But now, if the demons were experimenting on humans, who knew how many others there were out there.

 When Sam finally fell asleep, (Y/n)’s eyes snapped open. She looked down at him, asleep by her, his hand reaching out for her. She hated to do this, but she knew what she had to do. She got up and quickly jotted down a note before grabbing her bag and disappearing into the night.

 ****

 Sam’s heart was beating a mile a minute as he searched the room the next morning. (Y/n) was gone again and the only thing he could think of was the demons weren’t done experimenting with her. Dean was just about to call Cas when he saw the paper sticking out of Sam’s laptop. He pulled it out and read it before handing it to Sam.

 Dear Sammy. I know you’re probably freaking out. And you have the right to. I’ll be back once I detox from this demon blood. If you can do it, so can I. I’ll be in touch. Love, (Y/n).

 Sam clutched the note in his hand and looked over at Dean, determination in his eyes. These demons had ruined their lives. And Sam was going to make them pay.

Tag List: @petrovadixon @smoothdogsgirl @tornjeansandabrokenheart @theas-bedtime-stories @aiaranradnay

[survivortongatapu]

Episode 3 : Like He Lost Tag On The Playground | Andrew Gentile

So few subjects to choose from to entertain myself Too high to competently do this education stuff Too many grains of rice to eat I need a bagel with loxspread because I'm Jewish

The motivation to show that I'm manly, good at challenges and have lots of testosterone is not worth all this pain of clicking stupid numbers in the multiplication table. I keep telling myself I'm doing it for two charities: - The sanity of my tribe - The children

Literally 9x6=potato at this point

Lol being immune and lurking? I’m in Ecuador going to the Galapagos rn so outcast island is the best thing ever.

So I have no idea where I stand on my tribe at all! I'm initiating most of the conversations that I have which sucks! And I'm trying my best to form bonds but also not try too hard! 

 hope i can get enough to win this immunity to be honest i am glad i was not voted out 

We lost the challenge and I'm just woo! Jordan got a lucky pass and only got to submit 30 points had that been me I would have been voted out smh. Kaci got evacuated to Outcast island luckily so no drama tonight!

YES! we won rip kaci but woo us i hope we can keep winning

So IDK what the heck our vote was last round. I thought everyone was voting for Adrian but instead it was a huge mess. Basically I'm glad we won because otherwise I think we'd be in for another messy tribal council. 

his confessional will probably be a little less filled up than normal because: A. Free Rice took up all my time of socializing with people B. No tribal but on the other hand, i got the highest score in Free Rice which idk what to feel about it. It's good because I helped my tribe win, but bad because.. challenge threat label? But having a challenge threat label in Ausvivor when.. half the game is premerge won't affect me much. Only thing really going on is the Reward/Idol System... APPARENTLY Andrew found half of a Super Idol on the Purple Rock... and we need to find the Purple Rock. He said he told me, yes, ME! because he trusts me the most which is GREAT. Also though, I'm talking to Charlotte and she's done the EXACT SAME THING as Andrew on both times she's gone to the Idol System, first time, they both grabbed the torch in the cave, second time, Andrew got the Purple Rock like... 2 minutes before her which SUCKS for her. But I'm glad Charlotte is telling me about it too. I got a disadvantage for our tribe in the next challenge because I searched in the top hole of a tree, which Pocket told me to search in because he did the bottom and middle holes, but whatever! Antoine went into the bush on the clear path, and did the Yellow Rock. My goal right now is to figure out what most people on our tribe have done for the Idol System so I can have a greater knowledge of it and find out where idols are! Overgrown -> Keep Going = END Clear -> Top Hole = DISADVANTAGE Clear -> Middle Hole = END Clear -> Bottom Hole = END Clear -> Keep Walking -> Bush = END Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> Yellow Rock = DISADVANTAGE Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> Blue Rock = ? Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> Purple Rock = HALF SUPER IDOL Clear -> Keep Walking -> Keep Walking -> None = ? Rocky -> Cave -> Grab Torch = END Here's my list of what I know so far, so I wanna know what happens on the Overgrown and Rocky sections now. Outcast Island is also having its first Tribal, and I'm assuming Conor or Kaci will go because they're more inactive. And besides that... nada! I have WAY better strategic relationships with people now because everyone talked game last round. I feel so much more aggressive and proactive in this game! It's really nice getting what I want. Like I've never done that in games before so being able to have more control over my fate is SOOOO nice and strategy is.. kinda, sorta fun! So I'm having a great time and playing the game, and I guess I can just hope I win.

We lose. Johnny no lifing does NOT prevail RIP Kaci. She would've been a good ally, but she's a fool and didn't tell RTP that she was excusing herself for the challenges, which is kinda playing survivor 101 if you know you're not going to be here, which is fucking tragic, but it's okay. Maybe her pretty face can make her way back into the game from outcast island. WE SHALL SEE

So things are goinf well...-ish. We might have lost the challenge but we don’t have to go to tribal thanks to Kaci’s absence. Thank god. I think if we went to tribal now it would all blow up, I still want time to soldify the bonds I’ve made, so no matter what i have options when things do inevitably change.

I really hope we'll win the challenge tonight. I'm worried I might have to fight for my spot if we lose! I hope those hidden rewards are worth it cause they are hard to find.

So Tim basically has attached himself to my hip as a dynamic duo in this game. Honestly, I am perfectly okay with that. I feel like Tim will be a particularly loyal ally to my cause, and he will definitely boost my reputation on this tribe. Still working on getting in with Stephen, but I feel like I have done that successfully. Johnny is another potential ally on this tribe and lord knows I need to start earning them.

bye trip and your idol hehehe

Y'ALL I'VE FINALLY DONE IT! AFTER TOO MANY GAMES TO NAME I HAVE FINALLY FOUND AN IDOL. And it's a ruby idol, so I can't wait to fuck shit up. I'm not telling anyone about it either cause I trust no one :)

Glad we won this challenge, but I am starting to get nervous. By this point I expected strategy to come into play a bit more, with people already starting to talk about who they want gone. But thats not happening. Tribal would, at least, reveal alliances and start the game going. That being said every round we win is a round I’m 100% safe, and a round I could find an advantage in reward.

I love that we won immunity! It's such a great feeling to not have to worry about going to tribal. Also, RIP Trip. It's sad that the person who sacrificed himself for us was voted out first. Though I do doubt if there was ever any hope for him seeing as he would have had zero connections. At the very least, Kaci is surviving which is good for me since she is someone I would like to work with. If Adrian comes back, though, I could very easily use him to take out his other tribemates like Jay. Hopefully, he is bitter enough to do that.

I CANT THIS TRIBE IS.... I wish i had a gif of this but just imagine the gif of Brenda Lowe saying "I don't even have to do anything and people align with me!" LIKE!!! IVE BEEN ADDED TO 2 ALLIANCES WHILE IVE BEEN AT SCHOOL ALL DAY. AND PEOPLE SAID TO WAIT FOR MY OPINION TO DECIDE WHO TO VOTE.. I LOVE HAVING CONTROL. I have.. POWER.. love it. Also Chrissa and Pocket are fighting because Antoine is in Pocket's pocket essentially, but Antoine doesn't really talk to anyone else, so Pocket wants Charlotte out, while Chrissa wants Antoine out. IDK Also now I'm in 3 alliances!!! Alliance #1 - Good Eggs - Andrew/Carson/Chrissa/Jay/Owen/Pocket Alliance #2 - hey youtube stu here - Andrew/Bryan/Carson/Jay/Owen/Willow Alliance #3 - The Watchdog League - Andrew/Antoine/Carson/Pocket/Willow this is fucking.. insane why are these people like this i feel like the only sane one. also, jay threw Pocket under the bus in Alliance #2 Pocket threw Jay under the bus in Alliance #3 so Willow/Charlotte/Chrissa/Jay/Antoine/Pocket are the names circulating andj ust... i dont even know. this tribes a mess

These people are the most wishy-washy people ever. First nobody want to say a  name and then, when I decide to throw a name out, nobody want to really commit to it. OMG, I don't know what to do with these guys. Like i'm suppose to be in an alliance of 5, who care who is voted out outside of it! To be honest, I wouldn't be surprise if my name come up tonight or if i'm going home. It's either me or Jay to be honest or I'll be surprised.

Nothing going on

Oh boy, immunity aint that swell. reward was lame, i injured myself but didnt even die like come on ryan. anyways ya, its chill #LongLiveJordanPines

So apparently Pocket is throwing out my name. It’s too early to try to take him down but I won’t forget it.

I hope the vote goes smooth i just want us to be on the same page and so i just hope however the vote goes we still are on the same page 

Ok so. Jay made an alliance of me, him, Carson, willow, owen, Charlotte, and drew. So I’m cool with that for now. Also. I thought willow was gonna be the target before hand. But it turns out pocket was targeting Charlotte and Chrissa was targeting Antoine and they had a little kerfuffle about it. I don’t like that pocket was targeting Charlotte. So I suggest to this alliance we vote him out. But like. This vote is probably gonna be all over the place tbh. Smh. 

Im more than happy to not have tribal but my forest searches are going horribly! Ive gotten closer to Raffy and even proposed a final 2 with him. ALSO Stephen found half of the supeidol and decided to tell me about it I'm estatic! I smell a swap coming though so.... Honestly thats good for my game because that means that I won't be voted out from my original tribe who I think have an alliance already made :/ (without me in it of course). I still want to work with Johnny and Raffy and Stephen and maybe even L.A but for now jm leaving all of my options open!

So I found something in the reward, half a super idol!!!! eek. but now i have to keep looking for the other half, although chances are someones found it. But it’d be a bad idea to broadcast in the hopes that someone will come forward with the other half. I have told Tim, my ally, so that if he hears anything he will tell me. I hope that isn’t a mistake, but I trust him. Idk if I’ll tell Johnny, or Jordan, the ither two I’d consider aligning with, I don’t 100% trust them yet.

Its time to find part 2 of the SuperIdol, let the hunt begin.

Ok despite this round being twice as long, even less happened. Kaci was medevaced, which sucks because I really wanted to work with her. At least I know I'll have an ally at outcast island if i get voted out. I've got johnny on my side still, as well as jordan, rob, and probably stephen. I had a convo with tim today, and I also want to work with him. I'm just wary of how many people i give my loyalty to because I'm sure andrew is also going to have his own allies. But honestly? why am i even thinking about this game. Why do i have to constantly remind myself that I also have an opportunity to win. Anyways! I think i'm in a good spot on this tribe. I wouldnt mind a swap tho, lets shake it up!

this game makes me wanna eat my own ass bc pocket and chrissa fought and the vote switched from pocket to chrissa to charlotte to antoine back to chrissa back to antoine maybe idk I'm literally gay and i wanna die and I'm like in 18 alliance chats and I'm on call with jay carson and willow trying to figure this out someone pls fuckin help

i somehow flipped this vote to Antoine?? like i said earlier i wanted antoine out and this is somehow working... i love big movez!!!!! im shaking. this is for you pocket!! also apparently charlotte likes antoine more than chrissa.. we're working this. i really do feel like brenda lowe rn with everyone coming to me and me just telling people things! like i dont think imma get the blame for this vote from ANYONE because andrew/jay/willow were doing the heavywork while i suggested it. whew. hope antoine goes because he sorta petered out after night 1.

heres a short synopsis of the vote and what happened: 1. i got added to 3 alliances and every single one wanted different things, with pocket, jay, antoine, charlotte, and chrissa being targeted. 2. i went on call with bryan/jay and they tried getting me to vote pocket, i like pocket, so i was like EHHHH maybe iDK! i like majority :3 could we do antoine? 3. talked to andrew during that call who wanted chrissa out hard, said "CAN WE CUT ANTOINE PLEASE.." 4. went on call with andrew/jay, said we could do antoine, not too bad to flip it. they agreed, added willow, told everyone while i ate food. 5. :) woo lets see if this works

ugh its gonna be ant tonight which is kinda sad bc hes really nice f;alksdjf this is too messy honestly 

I would vote out Pocket rn because he's asking to if it weren't for the fact that we all just went to the trouble to save him, and now he's gonna be a piss baby that things aren't going his way. Sorry I don't respect that and now I don't respect him as a player so he can go back to Party City (Zwooper) where he belongs.

This round has been a massive mess. So to start, I wanted to vote out Antoine, but Chrissa and Pocket had a fight about whether it's Antoine or Charlotte. I talked to Andrew and we decided to cut ties with Chrissa and Pocket and start a new alliance with Bryan and Willow replacing them. Well what do you know! A new conflict broke out on whether to vote Chrissa or Pocket! It really looked like Chrissa was leaving until Owen messaged me saying that he's voting Pocket no matter what. So naturally I call my closest ally, Carson, and we get to talking and we decide we want Chrissa to stay. But we didn't want to alienate Andrew, so after the vote was set on Pocket, we talked to Andrew about the vote since he didn't want Pocket out. We ended up deciding on voting Antoine because if he leaves, and Pocket continues to trust Andrew, we have a solid five (Me, Andrew, Carson, Willow, and Pocket) and I trust Bryan to vote with us too. 

And as we speak, Pocket is having a meltdown and asking to leave and I'm sorry I didn't go through so much effort to get this vote the way it's supposed to be JUST TO CHANGE IT AGAIN! Sorry buddy, I need numbers, and you're one of those numbers. :)

[culturalgutter]

At first it was the way the bears were stacked atop each other that appealed to me. I’d see ads for We Bare Bears while watching other shows and think, “That is adorable/charming/cute/apealing?” Their shape, the color arrangement. Just the whole stacking thing. But one weekend shortly after the 2016 election, I made myself chocolate chip pancakes and decided I’d watch an episode of this bear cartoon and see what was what. I ended up spending the day watching episode after episode of We Bare Bears.  My first episode—or at least the one that I remember most clearly—was, “The Demon.” In it, Ice Bear and his friend Chloe Park face the terror of the neighbor’s little dog after Chloe accidentally loses her hoody to the fiend. It is nicely done with Chekov’s potato gun appearing in the first act appearing again in the third. It has elements that I most like about the show at its best. A reliance on character to drive the plot, conflict and action; diverse characters; a careful calculus around consequences; appropriate stakes; and, resolutions that tend toward ending in a better place than the episode began. These elements aren’t easy to pull off, especially in an eleven minute episode.

In We Bare Bears, three bear bros, Grizz, Panda and Ice Bear, live together in a cave in the woods. We Bare Bears is set in the Bay Area.  A lot of cartoons and shows are set supposedly non-specific anywhere or everywhere that only make them seem even more the product a specific place, often, ironically enough, California. But We Bare Bears goes ahead and lets their place be their place and then sees what stories they can tell. You might have suspected from their names that these bears are not biologically related. The bears are a chosen family with Grizz as the oldest brother and Ice Bear as the youngest. And even though Ice Bear is, as he says, “best bear,” all the bears have their own charm. Grizz is an outgoing and enthusiastic brown bear. His wants to be cool and to have a lot of friends. Sometimes he tries too hard or is too caught up in his own enthusiasm. But he tries hard and when the bears befriend Chloe, he learns some Korean to try be a good friend and maybe to reassure her father and grandmother that being friends with bears is alright. Grizz loves 1980s and 1990s action movies and has made a couple of his own “Crowbar Jones” shorts, starring himself as Crowbar Jones and “Pando,” a comic relief sidekick clearly inspired by Panda.

Panda, aka, Pan-Pan, is as his name implies, a panda. He’s also an otaku loves anime, manga, Japanese and Korean pop music and K-dramas, though likely not Vampire Prosecutor, more say, Boys Over Flowers and those body-switching romantic dramas, like Secret Garden (2010). Panda loves the idea of being in a relationship, but it’s probably a good thing he isn’t. He has a waifu body pillow named Miki-chan. Panda is intensely involved online hoping for likes and shares and trying to meet his true love. He’s an otaku who doesn’t read or speak much Japanese or Korean.  He’s allergic to everything and is vegetarian while his brothers love meat. Panda is sweet and sensitive but also capable of becoming resentful to the point of supervillainy.

Ice Bear always refers to himself as “Ice Bear,” except that one time he was conked on his noggin and started wearing a man-bun and hanging out with tech bros. His room is the bears’ refrigerator, where he knits and watches figure skating. Ice Bear was nonverbal as a cub and his affect does not necessarily reflect what he is feeling on the inside. Ice Bear comes across as neurodivergent and probably on the autism spectrum.

Ice Bear is clearly the coolest and arguably as he claims, “best bear.” He has what Grizz and Napoleon Dynamite would call, “skillz.” He speaks Russian, Korean, Pigeon and, I expect, many more languages. He likes axes, throwing stars, martial arts, salsa dancing, cooking, knitting and making robots. Ice Bear also has a secret life his brothers don’t know about. One revealed particularly in two episodes that are We Bare Bears influenced by Drive (2011), general Nicolas Winding Refn-ness and by John Wick, “Icy Nights” and “Icy Nights II.”* The song playing when Ice Bear enters the city in “Icy Nights” recalls “Nightcall” from the Drive soundtrack.

Grizz befriends Wyatt the biker at a gas station in the desert.

The bears make friends, though. They befriend Chloe Park, a 12-year-old Korean-American child protege who comes to study them for a college biology course. Chloe is stressed and lonely being the only tween in university. And they are also friends with Ranger Tabes, who reminds me of Rosie the camp director from Lumberjanes. Tabes out for their part of the forest. And they are friends with Charlie, a bigfoot voiced by Jason Lee, so I always kind of think he’s Earl from My Name Is Earl. Charlie also hosts the Halloween episodes, each a little horror anthology. (One with a fantastic take on Scooby-Doo).

We Bare Bears has some superficial similarities with Polar Bear Cafe, which also features a polar/ice bear, panda and grizzly bear–as well as a llama, sloth and penguin. Polar Bear Cafe‘s Panda is obsessed with being cute.  Like Ice Bear, Polar Bear is responsible and can drive a car. I enjoy his attempts to teach Penguin to drive.

“Ice Bear is responsible.”

There is a grizzly bear who gets most of his clothes from the Harley-Davidson store. But Polar Bear runs a cafe. There are a lot of puns. And the show skews towards a younger audience. That said, I think We Bare Bears make a little nod to Polar Bear Cafe with the “Coffee Cave” episode, in which the bears turn their cave into a cafe. Ice Bear becomes a barrista to facilitate Grizz hanging with cool people and Panda tries to make time with a woman he thinks is cute.

I enjoy We Bare Bears‘ references to film, tv, games, comics and cartoons and even Walt Whitman. When the bears work “shushing the unshushable” in an Oakland cineplex, there are a slew of film references that would warm the heart of the most cantankerous cinephile. In another episode, the bears recall films like Phase IV (1974) and Empire of the Ants (1977) as they obey the wishes of a queen bee.

The bears listening to the queen.

Ranger Tabes in peril!

Panda is pursued by a virtual reality Doof Warrior from Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). And there’s a bit from the beginning of Quincy Jones’ Ironside theme in “Bear Cleanse” when someone is secretly eating cake. It might’ve been taken from Kill Bill (2003) or from Lo Lieh dangerous fists in King Boxer/ Five Fingers of Death (1972). Grizz knows it from Kill Bill, but Ice Bear definitely recognizes it from King Boxer. I like that the creators are using art that they like. And art that I like, too.

While the structure is episodic, there is no total reset at the end of every episode. “Icy Nights,” for example, uses a number of elements from earlier episodes—Ice Bear’s modified roomba, for example. And human characters who are almost doppelgangers of the bears, Tom, Isaac and Griff, appear first in “Panda’s friend” and then in two more episodes, “Bro Brawl” and “The Mall.”

The show alternates between episodes featuring the bears in their presumably current adult forms with ones about the bears as cubs. If you must have origin stories, the baby bear episodes provide them and do a pretty good job. The baby bear episodes also do a good job of capturing a kids point-of-view. In general, I prefer the adult episodes, but that might be because I am an adult. As always, I don’t begrudge kids’ interests being put before my own in cartoons meant for kids.  I do, however, very much enjoy “Los Escandalosos,” in which the baby bears become a tag team in a kids’ lucha libre league in Mexico. There are some sweet luchador names in that episode and mariachis sing a ballad about los Escandalosos. Incidentally, “Escandalosos” is also the Spanish name for the show. I appreciate the pun making the title, “Scandal Bears.” It only took me two days catch it, but I did.

I also appreciate that We Bare Bears rarely translates the Spanish, Korean or Russian in the show. The writers relies on us to understand generally what is going on and not freak out when we don’t understand specifically what is said. There are times when we don’t understand something and that’s okay. I particularly appreciate that while we learn why Ice Bear knows Russian, we don’t see when Ice Bear went from non-verbal to verbal. Neurodiversity isn’t exactly the same kind of plot point as that time a Russian man in the arctic took in Ice Bear. At the same time, if the writers did decide to show the first time Ice Bear spoke, I trust them to do right by him and neurodivergent folk.

The bears are trying to participate in the human world and figure out how they fit into it. They not like they other animals anymore, but that’s okay. Though it might negatively impact their health as they prefer to eat, say, pizza bagels over bamboo and seals. And they’re not quite like humans cause they’re still bears, and that should be okay, but it’s not always.

Panda being hassled by the Man.

Daniel Chong talked a bit about how one of the things he was thinking of when creating this show was the ways that this experience paralleled being a minority in America and particularly, racism in America. Sometimes people react negatively to the bears and it’s just those people’s thing, not the bears, though it is particularly distressing to Grizz.**

I mentioned before that I appreciate that whatever shenanigans the bears or a single bears cause or are involved in have appropriately calculated stakes and consequences–and not just in the sense that a cartoon meant for all ages should probably not have a lot of gruesome death in it. The person most responsible for shenanigating takes most of the damage and uninvolved people or innocent people caught up in it are not as subject to the shenanigans.*** And that’s a relief to me. It’s not a cartoon that relies on either the pleasure of someone finally getting what they deserve–one day that Roadrunner will get his/her due!–or on the shock of, say, Ren’s cruelty to Stimpy, Jerry’s cruelty to Tom the Cat or Woody Woodpecker’s flat-out sociopathy.

Sweet jean jacket.

When the bears dig a cool jean jacket with a tiger on the back out of a dumpster, they get a run of good luck. The luck is low level, but the bears are ecstatic. Ice Bear says, “This is the best thing to happen to Ice Bear” and they all agree.  Panda finds money in the pocket. Grizz gets three high fives in a row. Ice Bear finds coupons for salsa dancing lessons.

The rain stops. Streetlights go their way. Pizza bagels are on sale. A cash opens up at the grocery store and they are first in line. But when the jacket’s curse is revealed, it operates on the same level. They each want the jacket for themselves and end up fighting. Joss Whedon’s We Bare Bears would straight up have killed one of them, but instead Panda accidentally punches his own face.

They realize, ‘We’re not wearing this jacket. This jacket is wearing us. We have to get rid of it.” The temptations the jacket uses to try to get them to take it back are things like pizza mistakenly delivered to their house. All of which are stakes and consequences appropriate to the situation. We Bare Bears is about critters and people mostly trying their best and screwing up sometimes. It is a pretty gentle cartoon, though there are both shenanigans and hijinx. It seems to me that in its own way going the chill and gentle route can be more avant-garde than another manic cartoon.

*I see a little Tokyo Drifter in the part where Ice Bear is silhouetted in red, too.

**There is a thing here where I talk a bit about the Prime Directive and the ways that it is kind of butts, but we have bears to discuss.

***This is a more complicated calculation when Panda goes bad in “Braces.”

~~~

Carol Borden isn’t going to lie. She kind of covets that jean jacket.

Ice Bear is Best Bear At first it was the way the bears were stacked atop each other that appealed to me.

[dietcoachesofamerica]

(images courtesy Mark Warnke/Men's Health)

The following men not only wanted to shape up, they took action and made their ambitions a reality. 

Take a look at how they shifted their habits to improve their lives for years to come.

How Christopher Jacob lost 38 pounds in 4 years

After his wife had a heart attack in 2012 at age 45, Christopher Jacob knew they both had to make a change. 

The father of three from Saudi Arabia had high cholesterol, and feared he was on a similar path.

Jacob and his wife both vowed to take shaping up seriously to ensure they would be around to support their kids for decades to come. 

Despite a work schedule packed with travel as a director of human resources, Jacob made exercise a priority. While traveling, he would pick out his hotels based on the workout facilities, searching for options with either a pool to swim in or a gym to lift in. 

Jacob would also follow along with fat-loss workout videos from Mens Health Fitness Director BJ Gaddour, C.S.C.S., to add variety and blast calories. (Gaddour just launched his newest and most intense fat-burning workout program ever with Mens Health, MetaShred Extreme.)

He also reigned in his calorie count to about 1,500 to 2,000 per day, using the app MyFitnessPal to track his intake. On days when he overdid it, he worked off the extra calories at the gym.

The 44 year old got off his cholesterol medication in January 2015 and has been off it ever since. The same motivating factor that pushed him to take action in the first place continues to drive him to keep the weight off today: His kids. 

I am a family man, Jacob says. And I would like to see my kids grow, influence them in any means possible, and have an impact on their livesso that when the time comes to let them go, I know that I have taught them well. 

How Ted Gibson lost 45 pounds in 6 months

The sexiest women in the world want Ted Gibson. Angelina Jolie, Jessica Chastain, Anne Hathaway, and other A-listers line up for himfor haircuts, at a price of $1,500 a pop. 

Related: The 100 Hottest Women Of All Time

But while New Yorks top hairstylist was busy growing his salon empire, his girth grew too.

I just wasnt exercising as much as I had been before, says Gibson, 50. And the weight slowly crept on. 

As a 64, 200-pound ultralean bodybuilder in the early 1990s, Gibson had always been a naturally big, muscular guy. 

But last January I hit 280, he says. I had less energy and my back hurt. I wanted to look amazing for my impending 50th birthday. 

So Mens Health paired Gibson with Vinny Brandstadter of Peak Performance, a New York City gym just around the corner from his salon, and Mens Health nutrition advisor Mike Roussell, Ph.D. 

Roussell worked to sneak healthy tweaks into Gibsons diet that wouldnt affect his overall lifestyle. He helped Gibson find healthy meals at each of the restaurants where his staff orders lunch every day. 

Along with making key changes to his diet, Gibson hit the gym three days a week. Gibson did aerobic intervals that built his endurance and hour-long circuits that burned between 500 to 700 calories.  

Related: The Lifting Technique That Flattens Your Belly

He admits he was nervous to not be the big guy anymore. 

But Im now at 235 pounds, says Gibson. This is the best Ive felt in a long time. I have a lot more energy, my back doesnt hurt, and Im getting a lot of compliments. 

How Yosef Herzog lost 50 pounds in 5 months

Yosef Herzog played sports in high school and college. But once he graduated, his structured workouts fell apart. Aside from intramural sports and some pickup basketball games in Manhattan, he rarely stepped foot in the gym.

The weight crept up on him. At 231 pounds, he began experiencing back pain and was out of breath after tying his shoes. 

After trying to develop healthier habits and losing motivation after a couple weeks, Herzog signed up for the gym at his office.

His evaluation session didnt seem that tough: Lunges, planks, and pushups. But 20 minutes in, Herzog lost his lunchtwice.

I wouldnt say I was in Chris Farley territory, but I was definitely in bad shape, says Herzog. 

He began alternating cardio and strength training, six days a week. 

Herzog also cleaned up his diet. He swapped oatmeal in for his usual breakfast bagel, salad in for subs, and Mexican-style chicken and beans in for burgers. 

In less than half a year, he weighed 181 pounds and needed new clothes. The fitter I got, he says, the more confident I felt.

How Bryan Hodgins lost 190 pounds in 2 years

From age 2, Bryan Hodgins had been overweightbut a lot changed for him at 17, when he got a job at a local grocery store. 

Hodgins started in the heat of August 2014walking over a mile to get to the store where hed push carts and help customers pack their groceries. He weighed about 380 pounds at the time.

Related: Why Some People Sweat More Than Others

At first, Hodgins didnt think those 7-hour shifts had any impact on his body.

I didnt notice any difference, he says. I had family and people I work with, over the course of a year and a half that I was [at the store], tell me, Youve lost weight. And you know, I never believed them.

A little less than a year later after he started working at the grocery store, he was helping his family move and weigh metal at a scrap yard. On a whim, Hodgins decided to hop on one of the scalesand was floored by the result. 

I can still remember the number as clear as day as being 247 pounds, Hodgins says.

He had lost about 140 pounds.

Even though the weight loss was accidental, the significant amount of pounds hed dropped really began to sink in. 

When you see a number that low, from what youve started at, you get a sense of accomplishment, he says. And so I tried eating better. 

Hodgins began incorporating more protein-rich foods like chicken and eggs and eliminating packaged sweets and salty snacks.

He also started working out with a friend from work. 

They made me do mountain-climbers and pushups and situps, Hodgins says. They kicked my ass when it came down to it.

Now down to 190 pounds, Hodgins is studying to be a paramedic. He hopes to eventually enlist as a combat medical technician in the armed forces. 

How Mark Warnke lost 53 pounds in 4 months

Mark Warnke had just booked tickets to propose to his girlfriend on the beach when she ended the relationship. 

Warnke was devastated. But in the aftermath of his breakup, he decided it was the perfect time to take control of his life. 

He started in the kitchen.

Warnke switched out his frozen meals and canned soups with chicken breast and fresh vegetables that he could throw on the grill Sunday night and eat for the rest of the week.    

In the past, Warnke had tried trends like cutting carbs and diet pills, but nothing worked better than eating whole foods. 

He also started doing bodyweight workouts on the Mens Health website.

Soon Warnke was able to put his heartburn medication away and after only a month of his new training regimen, Warnke had to go out and buy all new pants.

He was down 53 pounds total four months after the breakup. 

But if you ask Warnke, he didnt lose the weight to spite his ex-girlfriend.

It wasnt an, Im going to show her, he says. It was an Im going to be the best person I can be.

How Jake Galicia lost 86 pounds in 2.5 years

When Jake Galicias blood test results came in, he was shocked to find out he had high blood sugar and lipid levels. At 29, Galicia thought he was too young to be on the borderline for metabolic diseases like diabetes.

Galicia had always been on the heavier sideat the time he was 247 poundsbut the new father could not stand the idea that his condition might someday stop him from watching his toddler grow up. 

In February 2012, Galicia started a low-carb diet full of protein and vegetables.

Despite working sporadic shifts at an insurance company, Galicia made it a priority to squeeze in workouts.

Galicia would exercise anytime between the early morning and midnight, depending on when his shift fell that daybut he always made time. 

Initially hed hit the gym to run on the treadmill or complete circuit workouts. But as the fat began melting off, he started incorporating strength training into his workouts to gain muscle. 

And those odd hours at the gym were well spent. Galicia eventually shed 10 inches from his waist.

Now 33 years old, he says perseverance was key to his weight-loss success.

No matter how hard it may seem, you have to finish your workout, he says. This is how your body exceeds its known limits, preparing you to face more difficult physical tasks.

This article originally appeared on MensHealth.com.

Read more: www.foxnews.com

[viralhottopics]

How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys

(images courtesy Mark Warnke/Men’s Health)

The following men not only wanted to shape up, they took action and made their ambitions a reality. 

Take a look at how they shifted their habits to improve their lives for years to come.

How Christopher Jacob lost 38 pounds in 4 years

After his wife had a heart attack in 2012 at age 45, Christopher Jacob knew they both had to make a change. 

The father of three from Saudi Arabia had high cholesterol, and feared he was on a similar path.

Jacob and his wife both vowed to take shaping up seriously to ensure they would be around to support their kids for decades to come. 

Despite a work schedule packed with travel as a director of human resources, Jacob made exercise a priority. While traveling, he would pick out his hotels based on the workout facilities, searching for options with either a pool to swim in or a gym to lift in. 

Jacob would also follow along with fat-loss workout videos from Mens Health Fitness Director BJ Gaddour, C.S.C.S., to add variety and blast calories. (Gaddour just launched his newest and most intense fat-burning workout program ever with Mens Health, MetaShred Extreme.)

He also reigned in his calorie count to about 1,500 to 2,000 per day, using the app MyFitnessPal to track his intake. On days when he overdid it, he worked off the extra calories at the gym.

The 44 year old got off his cholesterol medication in January 2015 and has been off it ever since. The same motivating factor that pushed him to take action in the first place continues to drive him to keep the weight off today: His kids. 

I am a family man, Jacob says. And I would like to see my kids grow, influence them in any means possible, and have an impact on their livesso that when the time comes to let them go, I know that I have taught them well. 

How Ted Gibson lost 45 pounds in 6 months

The sexiest women in the world want Ted Gibson. Angelina Jolie, Jessica Chastain, Anne Hathaway, and other A-listers line up for himfor haircuts, at a price of $1,500 a pop. 

Related: The 100 Hottest Women Of All Time

But while New Yorks top hairstylist was busy growing his salon empire, his girth grew too.

I just wasnt exercising as much as I had been before, says Gibson, 50. And the weight slowly crept on. 

As a 64, 200-pound ultralean bodybuilder in the early 1990s, Gibson had always been a naturally big, muscular guy. 

But last January I hit 280, he says. I had less energy and my back hurt. I wanted to look amazing for my impending 50th birthday. 

So Mens Health paired Gibson with Vinny Brandstadter of Peak Performance, a New York City gym just around the corner from his salon, and Mens Health nutrition advisor Mike Roussell, Ph.D. 

Roussell worked to sneak healthy tweaks into Gibsons diet that wouldnt affect his overall lifestyle. He helped Gibson find healthy meals at each of the restaurants where his staff orders lunch every day. 

Along with making key changes to his diet, Gibson hit the gym three days a week. Gibson did aerobic intervals that built his endurance and hour-long circuits that burned between 500 to 700 calories.  

Related: The Lifting Technique That Flattens Your Belly

He admits he was nervous to not be the big guy anymore. 

But Im now at 235 pounds, says Gibson. This is the best Ive felt in a long time. I have a lot more energy, my back doesnt hurt, and Im getting a lot of compliments. 

How Yosef Herzog lost 50 pounds in 5 months

Yosef Herzog played sports in high school and college. But once he graduated, his structured workouts fell apart. Aside from intramural sports and some pickup basketball games in Manhattan, he rarely stepped foot in the gym.

The weight crept up on him. At 231 pounds, he began experiencing back pain and was out of breath after tying his shoes. 

After trying to develop healthier habits and losing motivation after a couple weeks, Herzog signed up for the gym at his office.

His evaluation session didnt seem that tough: Lunges, planks, and pushups. But 20 minutes in, Herzog lost his lunchtwice.

I wouldnt say I was in Chris Farley territory, but I was definitely in bad shape, says Herzog. 

He began alternating cardio and strength training, six days a week. 

Herzog also cleaned up his diet. He swapped oatmeal in for his usual breakfast bagel, salad in for subs, and Mexican-style chicken and beans in for burgers. 

In less than half a year, he weighed 181 pounds and needed new clothes. The fitter I got, he says, the more confident I felt.

How Bryan Hodgins lost 190 pounds in 2 years

From age 2, Bryan Hodgins had been overweightbut a lot changed for him at 17, when he got a job at a local grocery store. 

Hodgins started in the heat of August 2014walking over a mile to get to the store where hed push carts and help customers pack their groceries. He weighed about 380 pounds at the time.

Related: Why Some People Sweat More Than Others

At first, Hodgins didnt think those 7-hour shifts had any impact on his body.

I didnt notice any difference, he says. I had family and people I work with, over the course of a year and a half that I was [at the store], tell me, Youve lost weight. And you know, I never believed them.

A little less than a year later after he started working at the grocery store, he was helping his family move and weigh metal at a scrap yard. On a whim, Hodgins decided to hop on one of the scalesand was floored by the result. 

I can still remember the number as clear as day as being 247 pounds, Hodgins says.

He had lost about 140 pounds.

Even though the weight loss was accidental, the significant amount of pounds hed dropped really began to sink in. 

When you see a number that low, from what youve started at, you get a sense of accomplishment, he says. And so I tried eating better. 

Hodgins began incorporating more protein-rich foods like chicken and eggs and eliminating packaged sweets and salty snacks.

He also started working out with a friend from work. 

They made me do mountain-climbers and pushups and situps, Hodgins says. They kicked my ass when it came down to it.

Now down to 190 pounds, Hodgins is studying to be a paramedic. He hopes to eventually enlist as a combat medical technician in the armed forces. 

How Mark Warnke lost 53 pounds in 4 months

Mark Warnke had just booked tickets to propose to his girlfriend on the beach when she ended the relationship. 

Warnke was devastated. But in the aftermath of his breakup, he decided it was the perfect time to take control of his life. 

He started in the kitchen.

Warnke switched out his frozen meals and canned soups with chicken breast and fresh vegetables that he could throw on the grill Sunday night and eat for the rest of the week.    

In the past, Warnke had tried trends like cutting carbs and diet pills, but nothing worked better than eating whole foods. 

He also started doing bodyweight workouts on the Mens Health website.

Soon Warnke was able to put his heartburn medication away and after only a month of his new training regimen, Warnke had to go out and buy all new pants.

He was down 53 pounds total four months after the breakup. 

But if you ask Warnke, he didnt lose the weight to spite his ex-girlfriend.

It wasnt an, Im going to show her, he says. It was an Im going to be the best person I can be.

How Jake Galicia lost 86 pounds in 2.5 years

When Jake Galicias blood test results came in, he was shocked to find out he had high blood sugar and lipid levels. At 29, Galicia thought he was too young to be on the borderline for metabolic diseases like diabetes.

Galicia had always been on the heavier sideat the time he was 247 poundsbut the new father could not stand the idea that his condition might someday stop him from watching his toddler grow up. 

In February 2012, Galicia started a low-carb diet full of protein and vegetables.

Despite working sporadic shifts at an insurance company, Galicia made it a priority to squeeze in workouts.

Galicia would exercise anytime between the early morning and midnight, depending on when his shift fell that daybut he always made time. 

Initially hed hit the gym to run on the treadmill or complete circuit workouts. But as the fat began melting off, he started incorporating strength training into his workouts to gain muscle. 

And those odd hours at the gym were well spent. Galicia eventually shed 10 inches from his waist.

Now 33 years old, he says perseverance was key to his weight-loss success.

No matter how hard it may seem, you have to finish your workout, he says. This is how your body exceeds its known limits, preparing you to face more difficult physical tasks.

This article originally appeared on MensHealth.com.

Read more: http://fxn.ws/2hNBcrV

from How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys

[viralhottopics]

How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys

(images courtesy Mark Warnke/Men’s Health)

The following men not only wanted to shape up, they took action and made their ambitions a reality. 

Take a look at how they shifted their habits to improve their lives for years to come.

How Christopher Jacob lost 38 pounds in 4 years

After his wife had a heart attack in 2012 at age 45, Christopher Jacob knew they both had to make a change. 

The father of three from Saudi Arabia had high cholesterol, and feared he was on a similar path.

Jacob and his wife both vowed to take shaping up seriously to ensure they would be around to support their kids for decades to come. 

Despite a work schedule packed with travel as a director of human resources, Jacob made exercise a priority. While traveling, he would pick out his hotels based on the workout facilities, searching for options with either a pool to swim in or a gym to lift in. 

Jacob would also follow along with fat-loss workout videos from Mens Health Fitness Director BJ Gaddour, C.S.C.S., to add variety and blast calories. (Gaddour just launched his newest and most intense fat-burning workout program ever with Mens Health, MetaShred Extreme.)

He also reigned in his calorie count to about 1,500 to 2,000 per day, using the app MyFitnessPal to track his intake. On days when he overdid it, he worked off the extra calories at the gym.

The 44 year old got off his cholesterol medication in January 2015 and has been off it ever since. The same motivating factor that pushed him to take action in the first place continues to drive him to keep the weight off today: His kids. 

I am a family man, Jacob says. And I would like to see my kids grow, influence them in any means possible, and have an impact on their livesso that when the time comes to let them go, I know that I have taught them well. 

How Ted Gibson lost 45 pounds in 6 months

The sexiest women in the world want Ted Gibson. Angelina Jolie, Jessica Chastain, Anne Hathaway, and other A-listers line up for himfor haircuts, at a price of $1,500 a pop. 

Related: The 100 Hottest Women Of All Time

But while New Yorks top hairstylist was busy growing his salon empire, his girth grew too.

I just wasnt exercising as much as I had been before, says Gibson, 50. And the weight slowly crept on. 

As a 64, 200-pound ultralean bodybuilder in the early 1990s, Gibson had always been a naturally big, muscular guy. 

But last January I hit 280, he says. I had less energy and my back hurt. I wanted to look amazing for my impending 50th birthday. 

So Mens Health paired Gibson with Vinny Brandstadter of Peak Performance, a New York City gym just around the corner from his salon, and Mens Health nutrition advisor Mike Roussell, Ph.D. 

Roussell worked to sneak healthy tweaks into Gibsons diet that wouldnt affect his overall lifestyle. He helped Gibson find healthy meals at each of the restaurants where his staff orders lunch every day. 

Along with making key changes to his diet, Gibson hit the gym three days a week. Gibson did aerobic intervals that built his endurance and hour-long circuits that burned between 500 to 700 calories.  

Related: The Lifting Technique That Flattens Your Belly

He admits he was nervous to not be the big guy anymore. 

But Im now at 235 pounds, says Gibson. This is the best Ive felt in a long time. I have a lot more energy, my back doesnt hurt, and Im getting a lot of compliments. 

How Yosef Herzog lost 50 pounds in 5 months

Yosef Herzog played sports in high school and college. But once he graduated, his structured workouts fell apart. Aside from intramural sports and some pickup basketball games in Manhattan, he rarely stepped foot in the gym.

The weight crept up on him. At 231 pounds, he began experiencing back pain and was out of breath after tying his shoes. 

After trying to develop healthier habits and losing motivation after a couple weeks, Herzog signed up for the gym at his office.

His evaluation session didnt seem that tough: Lunges, planks, and pushups. But 20 minutes in, Herzog lost his lunchtwice.

I wouldnt say I was in Chris Farley territory, but I was definitely in bad shape, says Herzog. 

He began alternating cardio and strength training, six days a week. 

Herzog also cleaned up his diet. He swapped oatmeal in for his usual breakfast bagel, salad in for subs, and Mexican-style chicken and beans in for burgers. 

In less than half a year, he weighed 181 pounds and needed new clothes. The fitter I got, he says, the more confident I felt.

How Bryan Hodgins lost 190 pounds in 2 years

From age 2, Bryan Hodgins had been overweightbut a lot changed for him at 17, when he got a job at a local grocery store. 

Hodgins started in the heat of August 2014walking over a mile to get to the store where hed push carts and help customers pack their groceries. He weighed about 380 pounds at the time.

Related: Why Some People Sweat More Than Others

At first, Hodgins didnt think those 7-hour shifts had any impact on his body.

I didnt notice any difference, he says. I had family and people I work with, over the course of a year and a half that I was [at the store], tell me, Youve lost weight. And you know, I never believed them.

A little less than a year later after he started working at the grocery store, he was helping his family move and weigh metal at a scrap yard. On a whim, Hodgins decided to hop on one of the scalesand was floored by the result. 

I can still remember the number as clear as day as being 247 pounds, Hodgins says.

He had lost about 140 pounds.

Even though the weight loss was accidental, the significant amount of pounds hed dropped really began to sink in. 

When you see a number that low, from what youve started at, you get a sense of accomplishment, he says. And so I tried eating better. 

Hodgins began incorporating more protein-rich foods like chicken and eggs and eliminating packaged sweets and salty snacks.

He also started working out with a friend from work. 

They made me do mountain-climbers and pushups and situps, Hodgins says. They kicked my ass when it came down to it.

Now down to 190 pounds, Hodgins is studying to be a paramedic. He hopes to eventually enlist as a combat medical technician in the armed forces. 

How Mark Warnke lost 53 pounds in 4 months

Mark Warnke had just booked tickets to propose to his girlfriend on the beach when she ended the relationship. 

Warnke was devastated. But in the aftermath of his breakup, he decided it was the perfect time to take control of his life. 

He started in the kitchen.

Warnke switched out his frozen meals and canned soups with chicken breast and fresh vegetables that he could throw on the grill Sunday night and eat for the rest of the week.    

In the past, Warnke had tried trends like cutting carbs and diet pills, but nothing worked better than eating whole foods. 

He also started doing bodyweight workouts on the Mens Health website.

Soon Warnke was able to put his heartburn medication away and after only a month of his new training regimen, Warnke had to go out and buy all new pants.

He was down 53 pounds total four months after the breakup. 

But if you ask Warnke, he didnt lose the weight to spite his ex-girlfriend.

It wasnt an, Im going to show her, he says. It was an Im going to be the best person I can be.

How Jake Galicia lost 86 pounds in 2.5 years

When Jake Galicias blood test results came in, he was shocked to find out he had high blood sugar and lipid levels. At 29, Galicia thought he was too young to be on the borderline for metabolic diseases like diabetes.

Galicia had always been on the heavier sideat the time he was 247 poundsbut the new father could not stand the idea that his condition might someday stop him from watching his toddler grow up. 

In February 2012, Galicia started a low-carb diet full of protein and vegetables.

Despite working sporadic shifts at an insurance company, Galicia made it a priority to squeeze in workouts.

Galicia would exercise anytime between the early morning and midnight, depending on when his shift fell that daybut he always made time. 

Initially hed hit the gym to run on the treadmill or complete circuit workouts. But as the fat began melting off, he started incorporating strength training into his workouts to gain muscle. 

And those odd hours at the gym were well spent. Galicia eventually shed 10 inches from his waist.

Now 33 years old, he says perseverance was key to his weight-loss success.

No matter how hard it may seem, you have to finish your workout, he says. This is how your body exceeds its known limits, preparing you to face more difficult physical tasks.

This article originally appeared on MensHealth.com.

Read more: http://fxn.ws/2hNBcrV

from How to lose your gut, according to 6 regular guys