#im not great at advice but this is typically what i do

[lesbonym]

Hey! Fellow autistic lesbian here :)

I was just wondering how you’re able to talk (or type I suppose 😅) dirty so easily? Whenever I try to do it I always feel so awkward and that REALLY does not help me as someone who leans top/ dom

Sorry if that’s sort of a weird question to ask, but everything you post seems so effortlessly beautiful and hot at the same time???!??

Hiii, I'm super flattered that you find my answers to asks hot and beautiful, hehe. I do tend to edit and sit on them for a long time until I'm happy with them.

I think it's also because I've spent so much time creating stories and writing stuff down. I find it easier if an anon gives me more to work with, so I can imagine how I'd react to the situation. I'm also fairly in the middle with being a switch, and often, it depends on how someone approaches me in asks.

There's some asks I don't answer too because it's something I'm not into or I don't know how to handle, something like brat taming. Sometimes, I don't have ideas, so I try to ask questions in a flirty way to get an anon to be more clear in what they want.

I'm honestly super awkward, irl, and this has helped me gain a bit more confidence. I guess the best advice from autistic to autistic is to probably imagine a character similar to you saying it that you really like. If it sounds cringey, retry. If not, then you probably have something that'll turn someone on. My best advice is to treat it like a self-insert fanfic, lol, do what you'd find hot.

[catmask]

genuine question – and i hope it doesn't come as weird – but how do get into...pokemon? </3

pokemon universe feels so big and there are so many games and i really like their designs – both for pokemons and trainers – making ocs in this setting would be so cool but i have no idea how to. begin!

could you give some advice?

ps leaving compliments for your comic and art in general!! i really like how your pieces are so colorful! gives the vibes of some small but cozy and fun town in a videogame..

no worries!! it seriously depends on what you are interested in - gamewise, region wise, and story wise.

heres what i can say. if you like typical top-down style pixel art rpg games where you solve tile puzzles and build a little team of monsters, any of the games before x and y is a good choice. platinum is a great introduction to the series because it doesn't baby you but is still decently difficult, heartgold/soulsilver are the 'coziest' games imo but may spoil you because of how much content there is, black/white and black/white 2 are the most story-driven of the games and bw2 is probably the longest play of all the games. emerald is also great, but its genuinely a hard game even as someone whos been a fan of the series for years. i would say to start with hgss because they're my favorites, but they're so good it might raise the bar too high for all the other games pixel-art games.

if you prefer 3D graphics, but still like the 'run around catching guys and solving tile puzzles', i think sun and moon are the best of the 3D games! the story is engaging and a little more modernized so that there are actual cut scenes, i think the pokemon available are cute and the region is really pretty. i thikn after that, x and y is pretty cute! the story is less strong in comparison to sun/moon. importantly; every game in the 3D era has a new type that was not present in the pixel art era - the fairy type, so if you want to learn the MODERN type chart and balances, the 3D games are where you'd need to start.

finally, if you're not a fan of the 'catch pokemon run around region' type games, pokemon has a LOT of really awesome spin off games. my favorites are as follows...

pokemon mystery dungeon explorers of sky. its the strongest story the pokemon company has ever written, and im a big fan of the mystery dungeon style gameplay.

pokemon ranger (any ranger game!) the story and graphics are cute, and it focuses on rescuing/rehabilitating pokemon more than capturing them. really lovely expansion of the pokemon universe.

pokemon go, because its free! so if you dont want to download a rom, or sink money into a new franchise, its an easy way to get into it.

pokemon snap - this was actually my very first pokemon game i ever played! (never owned it though heha) but there was just a remake for the switch, if you've got a switch that is. the game focuses on photographing pokemon in their natural habitat, and its really quite cute. slow paced and fun if you're not sure about battling yet.

finally... if you weren't looking to get into games at all, pokemon art + fan creations are personally my favorite things in the entire fandom! artists and writers and fangame devs are the people who hold this fandom up, engaging with their creations is a great and typically free way to involve yourself... im sorry this is so long, i hope this helps!! and ppl are free to add on to this hehe

[drdemonprince]

doctor demon prince im in my 5th year of undergrad suffering from functional freeze and Cant Write Papers disease (subtype where i eventually write it 7 months later and its really good for how rushed it is). ive also been doing unmasking work and trying to make progress w my nervous system and my relationships, i still have a long way to go . im going to graduate eventually (who fucking knows when) but with a pretty shit gpa.

Anyway my question is why the fuck do i keep wanting to get a masters degree when i know this setting sucks real bad for me. i love 2 learn but either dont have a handle on my adhd/autistic workflow yet or simply dont have the combination of traits it takes to succeed in academia. and i have student loans. i probably wont be accepted to any masters programs anyway but i dont know what else to do !!!!!!!!!!! 🙃 seeing as this is the transgender autistic grad student website maybe u or some of ur followers have advice for me..... 🫶 ok thank u byeee

I'm sorry to have to say this, but why do you want to go to graduate school? It will drive you deeply into debt, cause you a huge amount of stress, subject you to a wildly inaccessible environment where student neurodivergences are often unfairly cast as signs of laziness and lack of academic potential, and, in a majority of fields, it doesn't lead to improved career prospects (typically, the equivalent amount of time spent working in your chosen profession will get you just as far, if not farther, than a graduate degree).

I don't recommend graduate school to almost anyone. Graduate school was a stigmatizing, exhausting, abusive, exploitative, traumatizing experience for me that left me profoundly socially isolated and physically sick, and trained me in an increasingly irrelevant and scientifically unsound field that basically does nothing but regurgitate neoliberal truisms back to the elites that already believe in them.

Some of the faults I've just listed don't apply to *every* academic field in the world -- but it does apply to most of them!

I think it's important for people to know that Master's degree programs are, by and large, created as a revenue source for universities. Undergraduate enrollment has hit a wall -- there's only so many more people who can go to college, in a world where college has become increasingly obligatory, college pays off professionally far less than it used to, and in times of low unemployment there's very little reason to go to school -- and so the possibility of growing undergraduate enrollment has become more and more thin. This means universities have been unable to turn growing profits for years. And that's what matters to them -- profits.

Left without the revenue source of more college students' tuitions, universities have turned toward courting repeat customers -- duping college graduates who are unhappy with their post-graduate career prospects by investing in even more school. In most Master's degree programs, there are very high fees, very limited financial aid, and very very limited mentorship (compared to, say PhD programs, where shepherding you through the program is at least an advisor's duty).

I've worked in higher ed administration for years now and I've seen how disposable Master's degree students are taken to be -- they're paying for a pricey credential and they get very little out of it, in the end -- in most programs, and most contexts. When we need to fill a budget gap, we create a new Master's program -- without regard for whether it is necessary, and without ever being able to prove it will aid our graduates in getting jobs, or even that the degree will fill a necessary niche.

You can feel free to write back to me if yours is a field where a master's degree is necessary or yields positive career outcomes for a great many people (social work and athletic training come to mind). But even still, I don't think you should subject yourself to a completely inaccessible environment that you are already struggling in and taking on more debt to do so. You deserve better than that. And 99% of graduate programs will not do right by you.

If you'd like to read more about just how exploitative graduate programs generally are, and why, I recommend Karen Kelsky's book The Professor is In, or her blog of the same name:

[candiid-caniine]

Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

[shatteredstarsart]

Things the new LMK animation studio, Wildbrain, could work on for the new upcoming season and season after:

1) Dont use flash animation style as a crutch, flash works with daily life shows, not so much with action/adventure cartoons. It makes it look like a content farm and we arent about that. Especially characters eyebrows, thats definitely a hand drawn thing to do for this.

2) Dont be afraid to play with the characters limb sizes. There's a lot of stretching and squishing with the characters, despite them being literal LEGOs, thats what makes the 2D animation for thus show great, you can break the LEGO figurine rules in the real world.

3) Dont be afraid to test out new things, Flying Bark did it all the time, with thier flashback sequences they often took inspiration from Chinese ink paintings

4) When designing new characters, dont directly take from the figurines LEGO gives you, use creative liberties and change certain aspects of the design from the figures. As much as I like complicated designs, I found in the actual show, the simpler you can make it while still making it feel complex makes it look good

5) Flying Bark used a 50% White overlay layer for the irises for all the characters, including Wukong and Macaque, it makes thier eyes look more alive, which i noticed Macaque was lacking in. Along with make making the irises and eyes slightly bigger, which i noticed Nezha (and what I assume in Erlang Shen) consistently had these weird inconsistencies compared to the other characters in the entire trailer

6) Use interesting camera angles, I guess this advice is more for the storyboarders of the studio, since thier job is to make the layouts and camera angles. Whenever there's a fight in the show it typically gave you an interesting way to look at it depending on what was going on, like for the Corrupted Wukong and Macaque fight in season 3, they were constantly going between being far away and up close to thier faces, depending how tense the moment was, the more tense, the closer you wanna be.

7) Try your best. LMK fans are quite picky, especially sense we've always held these high expectations from the show. I know the first season animation style was ... a little weird but its only gotten better from there. LMK fans may be brash at first, especially since we're all kind of miffed about having little to no news for the show to suddenly it could possibly be airing in a month and the studio we loved and adored said they are no longer working on it anymore. Im sure as time moves on you'll get better, but God please, move away from flash animation as if your life depends on it, it really only limits the ability of the show to tell its visual story as flash animation has so many limitations, especially for the genre

-yours truly, Monkie Kid fans <3

[thewertsearch]

GA: What Are You Doing […] GG: im getting dave to set up that expensive equipment GG: so i can start doing all that witch of spacey stuff you were telling me about GG: which i appreciate, since my sprite turned out to be sad and useless, and not very wise at all :(

What, so she's not giving any advice?

I'm not against the idea of Jadesprite having agency, of course - but at the same time, it doesn't seem like it should be possible for a Sprite to abandon their charge. I think creating a Dream Sprite has really fucked something up.

GA: I Was A Sylph Not A Witch […] GG: what is a sylph? GA: I Think Its Sort Of Like A Witch GA: But More Magical

That means basically nothing, which is probably deliberate. Class exposition has always been vague as hell.

I guess this implies that there are some explicitly ‘magical’ classes, such as the Witch, the Sylph, potentially the Seer, and presumably the Mage. Sollux did cast a curse, after all, and Rose is casting all kinds of spells. Perhaps Jade and Kanaya will learn to do the same.

GA: But Regardless I Think Our Roles Are Approximately The Same Since We Are Both Stokers Of The Forge GA: As Well As Holders Of Breeding Duties

Breeding duties, eh?

Maybe Jade's the one responsible for breeding animal species to inhabit the new universe. Biosphere construction sounds like a fun challenge, and one that's right up Jade's alley.

GG: it sounds like GG: it involves GG: a lot of breeding :\ GA: Well It Does GA: But Not Breeding Through Means Typical Of Most Species […] GA: I Didnt Mean To Alarm You By Implying You Were Required To Wage A Great Deal Of Personal Procreation Over A Span Of Several Weeks GG: yeah, whew <_<; GA: Though It Should Be Clear That Repopulation Is Among Our Duties As Well In The Long Term GA: And Ive Gathered That The Cloning Apparatus In The Veil Is Probably Meant To Permit An Initial Boost On The World We Select For Settlement GA: But Beyond That It Is Up To The Descendants To Perpetuate The Race

Why, though? Like, what's stopping the Players from using the Veil's cloning gear indefinitely?

Maybe they can, but it just doesn’t scale. Eventually, your burgeoning population will be growing faster than you can build cloning machines, and their natural reproductive rate will dominate the numbers.

[starboy2023]

Perfect Personalized Diet! (dm for your personalized diet too!)

Using my height, weight, bmi, activity level, and maintenance caloric intake, I was recently able to create a personalized day-by-day diet to help me lose my depression weight! 

My journey: (skip to the bottom for the final diet!)

Hi! I'm starboy, and this is my ED blog! To be transparent, at my low weight, I weighed roughly 90lbs, with my bmi being 14.1. I was incredibly ill, and know I cannot go back to that wieght; however, it helped ease my gender dysphoria, and my problems with OCD massively. In June of 2023, I was 98.5 lbs with a bmi of 15.4. You can go to my twitter for body checks and pictures!

Currently, I weigh 109 lbs and my bmi is 17.1. I am deeply unhappy with this, and though parts of recovery have been great, I recently learned that I may be terminally ill. I figured if Im going out anyways, I’m going to go back to the one thing that brings me endless comfort: my eating disorder. By July 1st (in about 7 weeks from this post), I want to get to 100lbs, with a bmi of 15.7. 

How I created this diet: (and how you can too!)

To explain how I calculated and created this diet, I used this link: “Calorie Calculator”, to calculate my maintenance weight. I rounded up to 115 lbs for my weight just to be safe! Using the maintenance number calculated from 115 lbs, which is 1,601 calories a day, my height, 5’7”, and my age, 18 years, I asked chat gbt to create a customized day by day calorie intake diet. Due to working Wednesday and Friday, I asked it to have those days be the highest caloric intake, and I asked for Monday and Saturday to be the lowest intake days, due to those being my typical clubbing/partying days. I also use 16:8 fasting, but I like to do a 24 hour fast every other week. Chat GBT gave me lots of advice and gave me a range of options, but the diet I decided on works best for me! I highly recommend reading thoroughly because it is very very helpful if you don't know the science behind weight loss!

My exact chat gbt message: (if you would like to make your own, copy and paste this message into Chat GBT and replace the weight, height, bmi, activity level, and maintenance calories)

“I am an 18 year old female, that is 5'7" and 115 lbs. My BMI is 18.0 currently. My physical activity level is sedentary. To maintain my current weight I need to consume 1,601 calories per day. I want to lose 15 lbs by July 1st. How many calories should I consume daily to lose 15 pounds by the beginning of July? Create a per day caloric intake schedule that includes fasting for 24 hours once every two weeks that goes until the beginning of July, where I would loose 15 pounds. Have my lowest caloric intake (or my bi-weekly fasting date) on Monday and Saturday, and have a little bit of a higher caloric intake for Wednesday and Friday: all while I am still on track to loose 15 pounds(making my weight 100 lbs) by the beginning of July.”

The final diet: (the part you guys really want!)

I eat between the hours of 12-7pm for my 16:8 fasting, and fast on every other Sunday.

Monday: 800 calories

Tuesday: 1,100 calories

Wednesday: 1,200 calories

Thursday: 1,100 calories

Friday: 1,200 calories

Saturday: 800 calories

Sunday 1,100 calories (fasting every other week)

Overall, I will be consuming 7,300 calories a week. (for reference, eating my maintenance calories would be 11,207 calories a week). That is a 3,907 weekly calorie deficit, and roughly a 558 calorie daily deficit. Remember! A deficit is how you lose weight!

I hope you enjoyed my explanation blog! If you would like me to help you create a personalized diet around your work days and life habits, please let me know! This is my favorite type of math, and if you need any tips or tricks, feel free to dm me here or on twitter!  What type of blog or info dump would you guys like in the future?

Twitter: @star_boy2023

Tumblr: @starboy2023

[uncanny-tranny]

How does one go about getting a t prescription?

How long does it take + how expensive is it?

Where would you even start, what type of doctor do you have to contact, does planned parenthood give people T prescriptions?

Sorry for the ask, I just can't access this information anywhere else

I need to start this post by saying: I - the person answering - am a USAmerican. I have no experience with getting testosterone in other countries, but I have researched other healthcare systems that are in place for trans healthcare. In my country, testosterone is a schedule III controlled substance, and you need a prescription from a doctor to legally possess it (I could rant for hours about how much I hate this, but this is the reality of how the US operates, apparently). I'll be sharing my experience since I know it best with the hopes that it helps - I am not legal or medical advice.

In many places, you will typically be referred to an endocrinologist, someone who specializes in hormones. It isn't unheard of for your primary care physician to order scripts for testosterone, but if they do, it's because they would be licensed to. Not all PCs can even prescribe testosterone in the US because it's a controlled substance.

I personally went through an online clinic in order to get my testosterone - which was needed for me because at the time, I'd had very few positive experiences with healthcare.

In terms of price, that depends on if your insurance will even cover the cost. I pay out-of-pocket, and for those paying that way, that can run (typically) between $150-$300. This also depends on what type of testosterone you plan on administering. I've found that IM injectable testosterone is cheaper than cream or gel testosterone - each method has their own pros and cons, and the prices vary drastically at times.

Planned Parenthood can be a great path for those who have the Planned Parenthood facilities that offer trans healthcare. Not all Planned Parenthood facilities will offer trans healthcare. And, indeed, I was planning on using Planned Parenthood, but the closest one that offered trans healthcare was over an hour away and later seemingly ceased offering that care, which would mean I might have had to drive three hours to the next one. That's a huge contributing factor as to why I chose a virtual clinic.

If you are comfortable with your primary care physician, you might be best helped by asking them. I'm sharing my experience, but this is by no means a comprehensive look into how you would access testosterone. Your needs, the care available, and where you live all impact how you'll get care, and the last thing I want to do is tell you to do something you can't.

[jqmalikhsgib]

bluebonnet

one

warning: the reaper but with a twist. mention of rape, blood, scars, murder, mention of pregnancy. typical criminal minds jargon

bright lights. all you could see was bright lights. you felt your heart pounding. almost as if it was trying to free itself from inside of you. you could hear voices. so many people talking over you.

but the one voice you heard was his. even in your blurry vision you could see him. teardrops falling from his beautiful brown eyes. you were confused. why was he crying? why are people crowding you? why do i feel like you were dying?

the light touch on your shoulder startled you. you turned with a light frown. derek was holding his hands up with a small frown.

“didn’t meant to startle you. you alright yln?”

you shake off any trace of stress from your face. it had only been a week of being back here. after six months of recovery physically and mentally you were still quite nervous to be here. you give derek your best smile before nodding.

“sorry. i was thinking too hard. guess im use to day dreaming. did you say something?”

“yeah. hotch has a case.” derek asked. you can tell he wasn’t quite convinced. you were grateful he decided not to push.

you hum before getting up. you and derek walk to the roundtable. jj smiles at you before she begins presenting the case.

as you read over the file you felt sick. six women murdered in their homes. brutally beaten to death after being raped by the unsub multiple times.

once jj finished presenting the case and aaron tells everyone to meet on the jet in twenty minutes, you get up and start to walk towards your desk before aaron stops you. you turned and follow him to his office.

you watch as he closed the door and grabs his go bag. “i want you staying here.”

you simply shake your head.

“that wasn’t a suggestion. this case—”

“needs all the people it can get. the unsubs cooking off period is getting lower by the days. im mot sitting this one out, hotch.”

he simply shakes his head. he sighs as he steps closer to you. “you’ve been out for six months, yln. i understand you want to get back out there. but after what happened. this case is too similar—” he gulps before continuing. “as your unit chief i advice you to step away from this case. at least—at least stay here with penelope. you can consult here.”

you simply sigh before nodding. he lets out a deep breath, pleased you’re listening. he begins to walk away before turning around. “be safe, okay?”

you watched as him and the team leave. spencer was the first to stare and wave. he gives you a small smile before the elevator closes and they were all gone.

you walk down the hall and knock gently, waiting for penelope to give you the okay.

“hi, sweets. hotch told me you were staying behind to help.”

you give her a warm smile. out of the whole team penelope didn’t look at you like a victim. she didn’t give you the sad pitiful smile everyone around you did. it felt great.

you hated the looks given, the whispers, the gentle voices. it made you feel small and fragile.

you know it’s just apart of this job. you’ve done the same to other victims in the past. but now that you were on the other end—you felt shame.

“ready?”

you look at penelope with a simple smile. “yeah.”

you were beaten. every last bit of your body ached. all the training you’ve done the last few years went out the window. there he stood with his evil smirk, looking directly at you.

he points the gun to your temple. you closed your eyes. if you were gonna die you refused to see his face before he killed you.

you knew he loved the attention, he loved the power play, he loved watching the fear in his victims eyes. you weren’t gonna give him the satisfaction.

“he should have taken the deal.” he whispered in your ear.

you shake your head. “he’d never make a deal with someone like you. he doesn’t make deals with cowards.” you state angrily.

he laughs. “im not gonna shoot you, yn. no. i want to take my time with you. ruin the only thing that makes him happy.”

you suddenly wake up, heart pounding, sweat dipping down your forehead.

the lights turn on quickly as you felt his hand on your back. “hey! it’s okay. it was a nightmare. just a nightmare.”

but it wasn’t a nightmare. it was real. you gently touch your stomach. you could feel the permanent scar right in the middle. a reminder that he would always be apart of you.

you turned to look at your husband. “im sorry. i thought they were gone. i thought the nightmares were gone.”

“don’t apologize, yn. it’s—are you sure you’re ready to come back to work? maybe this is a sign. this last case was pretty gruesome—”

“and i handled it just fine didn’t i? come on aaron, im fine. you’re telling me you don’t get nightmares?”

aaron sighs before nodding. “okay. im just worried.”

“i know. but im okay, aar. i have to go back at some point, right?”

“yeah.”

you rest your head on his shoulder as he leans back. you were grateful for aaron. if it weren’t for him you wouldn’t have gotten through all this.

it had only been three months of dating and a month of marriage. you and aaron had chemistry the moment you met but never did anything about it.

after catching george foyet—the boston reaper—and your healing process, aaron finally expressed his feelings. you decided to date and keep things private. only a week of dating and he proposed.

you thought he was insane! you weren’t even official, not really. here he goes, on one knee, and a beautiful diamond ring, asking to spend the rest of his life with you.

you thought he was kidding until he told you exactly how you felt. life was too short. after almost losing you he had to marry you immediately.

you had been dancing around each other for years. you knew aaron was your person. after making him sweat a bit you finally said yes.

you both decided to keep your relationship private. it was only a need to know and no one needed to know besides the directors of the bau.

“ill be okay, aaron. i just need to get use to this. returning back to the bau. i promise if i need time away i will tell you.”

aaron hums before kissing the top of your head. “thank you. i appreciate that. let’s—let’s get some sleep? we have to be at the office early tomorrow. they want us to fill out some paperwork.”

you simply nod your head cuddling up to your husband before falling asleep.

your leg was shaking nervously as you wait for strauss to call you into her office. currently aaron was in there talking to her about your marriage.

you knew they couldn’t say much. it wasn’t like it was against the rules. but it was very heavily frowned upon.

especially since aaron was your boss. when he walks out he gives you a reassuring smile.

“yln.”

you sit up before walking towards her. aaron grabs your arm softly and squeezes it. you felt slight relief at the small gesture. when you walked into strauss office you sit down as she sits across from you.

“you know why you’re here miss yln?”

you nod your head.

“you understand that your relationship with aaron hotchner is frowned upon?”

“yes, ma���am.”

“just because it’s not directly against the rules doesn’t mean it’s not against protocol. your relationship can be considered dangerous in the field. people could get hurt if made the wrong call.”

“i understand, ma’am. but aaron and i have—we’ve been pushing emotions down for a long time and it hasn’t affected our work on the past. i don’t see how that would change.”

“it changes for many reasons, yn. the obvious is being married to each other now. feelings are one thing but now it’s out in the open. you both have expressed these emotions which can cloud judgement. another is what recently happened to you,”

your breath hitched. you knew it was a possibility that this might get mentioned. you were just hopeful it wouldn’t be.

“i know what mister foyet has done to you is,” erin couldn’t finish the sentence. knowing the details of the case. it would make anyone cry. “and it’s only your second week officially back. now that you and mister hotchner are married, this could cloud his judgement more considering.”

“i understand your concern. but aaron and i talked. we both think it’s best if i report to gideon from here on.”

strauss hums as she nods her head. she continues to give you a blank expression before speaking once more. “i think that’s best miss yln. but, as i told aaron, if i hear about your relationship affecting your jobs i will not hesitate to discuss termination. is that clear?”

you nod your head understandably. strauss nods before rising from her seat.

“that will be all. congratulations.”

you thank her before leaving her office. aaron was still there waiting for you. he walks over and grabs your hand. “you okay?”

you nod your head.

aaron kisses the top of your head before the two of you pull away from each other. you both head back to the other side of the office.

hours of paper work you had been exhausted. you wanted nothing more than to go home and lie down.

you sigh heavily before looking up and seeing spencer staring at you. the whole team had been very on edge with you since returning. you knew it would take time for them to see you back in quantico. you just hope that they will eventually go back to normal.

“what’s up, doctor?”

spencer shakes his head. “just—how are you?”

“im fine.”

“it’s okay if you—”

“i appreciate you worrying about me, spence. im fine, okay? i don’t—i do not wanna be looked at like im fragile. i will be okay. i promise.”

spencer nods his head. “if you need to talk im here.”

you give him a genuine smile. you go back to finishing up paperwork before the clock strikes seven. you grab the paperwork you finished and head upstairs to aaron’s office.

“hey. these are done.”

aaron looks up. you hand him the paperwork. “i should be done in an hour. please don’t feel obligated to wait.” he stating. knowing you’d wait for him to finished up his own paperwork.

“okay. should i order in?”

“ill pick something up on my way back home. anything you wanted?”

“i have a craving for mexican.”

aaron paused. you didn’t realize until he gave you a sad look.

“just—bring home anything, yeah? ill see you later.”

“yn—”

you closed the door before leaving quickly. when you finally got in your car you took a deep breath. you closed your eyes tightly.

when you felt relaxed you drive off. getting home felt like a relief. you immediately head upstairs and take a shower. the water running down your body made you feel less pain.

you gently touch the scars on your belly before the memories start to flow once more.

you stared at the doctor and shake your head. you were sure he was wrong. the doctor seemed confused at your reaction.

aaron stood holding your hand and caressing it gently. “honey,”

“no, aaron! he’s wrong. you’re wrong! im—tell him he’s lying, aar.”

he gives you a look of sympathy. your eyes start to water.

“miss, are you okay?”

your chest starts to hurt and your vision gets blurry. you wanted to scream but nothing comes out.

you could hear the doctor and aaron speaking but it sounded far away. your brain was jumbled.

of course this would happen. of course foyet would have the last laugh. when you were finally happy again. or at least somewhat becoming happy. you and aaron had just got engaged. only a week of dating and a month of being out of the hospital.

you were finally in a good place. you knew it was too good to be true. george foyet had ruined everything once again.

“honey. are you okay?” you look up and see aaron staring at you. you didn’t even realize you got out of the shower.

“sorry—i got lost in my own—how long have you been standing there?”

“about five minutes.” you hum before he sighs and wraps his arms around you. “please don’t shut me out. talk to me.”

you look at him in the mirror. you simply shake your head before drying off and walking to the bedroom. aaron follows as he sits down on the bed and watches as you get dressed.

once you had your pajamas on aaron grabs you by the waist and kisses the side of your stomach.

“talk.to.me.” he says between each kiss before looking you in the eyes.

you begin the shed tears.

“how can you—how can you still love me?”

he frowns.

“what?”

“after finding out foyet—” you couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“honey, what happened wasn’t your fault. george foyet was a monster who tortured and raped you. mentally and physically. he took from you to get to me, yn. all this—it was a game to him. i know it’s hard and i know it’s gonna be hard for a long time. but we can’t let him have this power. even im the grave. we—we have to allow ourselves to be happy.”

“but how could i aar? how could i be happy when he took something from me. from us! you wont be the first man i get to experience creating life with. he took that from both of us.” you shake your head.

“no! he doesn’t get to have that, okay? as far as im concerned you and i will get to experience that together when the times right. we will experience parenthood together, okay? foyet doesn’t get that chance.”

you sit on his lap as he kisses the back of your ear. “he won’t take this away, honey.” he whispers in your ear. “i won’t allow it.”

you hold on to your husband tightly. you knew you had a lot to work on. you just hoped aaron stood beside you through it all.

as i said, george foyet with a twist.

thoughts?

should i continue?

let me know!

[contentloadingandstuff]

Hi I know it was a vent post and you probably don't want anyone to i guess give advice/support (idk what to call this) but!! As a person who consumes content, especially written, i can tell you for sure that writing is a great skill to have! Like in school, people would pay me to write/help them with essays. But that's not important - what is important is that you are a great writer! And I don't know how long it's been since you started trying things outside of tumblr, but things take time. Unless you are super famous or have connections, you're not going to get involved in things right away. And that's okay!!! That doesn't mean you suck. It allows you to build a name for yourself as you continue doing great work that will get you recognized eventually!

But seriously, writing is NOT a skill that EVERYONE can just do. I've read work from people who could be a great artist as you said, but their writing reads as if it was written by a child. Or even a decent enough story that is better than a child's level, but still flows horrible and makes me try to skip parts to get to what I'm interested in. And I see this very prominently in the nsfw spaces, although there are some great writers like you, there are just as many (and im not trying to be rude) subpar writers. There's just no way I can stress enough that writing, especially being able to write things of a good quality, is a skill that is very important and i know you'll get to where you hope to be in time, and am grateful you continue to make content!

Like literally i am obsessed with your blog and I check at least every 2 days or so if not every day at least once. Please continue the great work you do, and continue growing in your craft and i knowyou will achieve your goals and i will personally look forward to everything you'll write!

-an experienced fanfic reader!

It's perfectly okay to write as you did here - posting my thoughts on a public blog means that I'm alright with people seeing it and commenting on it. Hm... Now that I think of it, I may be over sharing on the blog in general, but, honestly? It's my corner of the internet, and it's an important place to me - so it's probably alright. Anyway...

I wasn't expecting anybody to put this level of thought into any sort of interaction with me, if I am to be honest. I'm positively taken aback.

First of all, thank you. Reading this was very uplifting, and I will hold onto your ask, returning to it in moments of doubt. I can't stress how wholesome it felt... So just... Thank you.

The amusing thing is that I was never a great student at school, and essays that I created (both in my native language, Polish, and English) were usually mediocre. But I definitely had a better time, enjoyment wise, with Polish essays since those in English were always absurd. Very general, require certain hard words or phrases, and the damned word limit. On my highschool finals in C1 English I had to write an essay about the risks and opportunities AI provides (if I had a penny for every time I wrote about something like this, I would have a lot of them, but I wouldn't be able to buy more than a pack of gum)... in under 800 words. I'm a simple guy - either do it properly, or don't do it at all. These kinds of restrictions are the bane of my writing. Still, I got an 88%. Polish is similar, but there's no arbitrary word limit and the formal requirements go on for pages of rules and regulations. Brr. Never want to do it again. But I will. Since I'm studying law and all. The point is, I wasn't good at writing in the official sense - which doesn't give me a solid base of confidence in myself, and it's visible in the frequency of me doubting myself here.

Tsk. Pathetic. I'm making a clown of myself in front of hundreds of people, am I not? Typical of me.

In general, having my own blog killed most of my interest in reading and watching what others are doing, though I still occasionally read up. And when I do - comparisons. Okay, so this fic is short, not much attention paid to pacing and style, quite generic in topic, written with the most stereotypical words for this kind of content, but it's nice... Oh? Oh. It has over two thousand likes, reblogs and comments. Cool. What does it do that I don't? Am I writing too long fics? I do think so, because short form tends to get more attention. That's perfectly reasonable, but sad nonetheless. I can't fully enjoy the stuff of other people for another reason as well - my mind screams a question at me every short moment - "and what have YOU done that measures up to this?". This doesn't only apply to fics. Kinkymation, a nsfw comic creator for genshin, zzz and a few others that's quite famous, has it all seemingly - very characteristic and memorable style, good, wholesome content, lots of it too, and can write a good enough narrative. I even heard that he does animations now. The only minor shortcoming is I think the lack of variation in his stuff - everything is vanilla ice cream, wholesome-romantic and slightly cheesy at times. But he's still a great cc.

He has everything one could dream of in this "field", and I constantly compare myself to him. And the conclusion? I am nothing. I am a flounder, a bottom feeder in comparison to him.

It's not that I want to earn money - as you surely noticed, I never ever prompted my Kofi since I made it in spring of 2024. I just want to make something that I can be proud of, especially if it includes joining forces with those that make up for my lack of artistic skills. It would be very nice, for sure.

Alas, the reality is what it is, as the saying goes.

Never mind. On a final note, if you're checking contentloadingandstuff this frequently, I really need to kick myself into high(er) gear. You wish me well, and I should show some basic gratitude.

Again, thank you. So much.

[tehrevving]

Hey Rev, can we get backstory on Reader and Barret's relationship please? Really enjoyed their banter in the latest fic and im curious

Sure, let’s do it!

Reader joins AVALANCHE in a similar way that Tifa does in the Tales of Two Pasts novel. She gets invited to some planetology film screenings, makes some friends and slowly ends up becoming a wanted eco-terrorist. Funny how that happens. 

She grew up in Midgar, living a reasonable life for the slums, but still in the slums. Her parents were killed when she was an adult in an accident caused by Shinra not maintaining infrastructure properly. Aside from that, her main beef with Shinra comes from the fact that she’s so desperate to leave Midgar but is completely unable to save up enough money, or make any plans to leave. It’s expensive to leave Midgar, and then she has nowhere to go if she does manage to leave. She has no friends or family to stay with, and the amount of money that she needs is completely out of reach. 

She was a regular at 7th Heaven, being somewhat older than the rest of the cast. I see her as being mid to late 20s, compared to the others who are typically in their early 20s. She ends up meeting Tifa and Barret once they take the bar over. She’s struggling to make ends meet working while also studying to become a primary school teacher above the plate. The accreditations that are required to work above the plate are insanely expensive, and they try their best to prevent the ‘riff-raff’ from moving up in the world. She figures it’s her best chance at a better life and will eventually give her the ability to move away. 

A teacher, wtf Rev??? I hear you asking. Yeah look, I know she doesn’t quite seem the type. But Vincent needs someone who is perceptive, patient, kind but also forceful and won’t take his bullshit lmao. Make more sense now? It’ll never come up in the fic so dw lol.

Anyway, she’s smart and resourceful but not a great fighter, so while she helps with a lot of the AVALANCHE planning, she’s not out there in the field. This, everyone, means that she’s often left behind babysitting Marlene. Now, finally we can get to her and Barret’s relationship lmaooooo. 

Barret has a lot of respect for Reader because she not only babysits Marlene, she also educates her, because she’s training to become a teacher. Marlene is pretty young, but it’s never too early to start learning lol. Marlene really likes her, and so Barret does too. 

Because Reader is a bit older, Barret treats her more like an adult than he does Tifa and Cloud who are a bit younger and need more guidance. He jokes with her a lot more than with the others, especially the sexual humour that we’ve seen in the fic lol. I personally think it's interesting how Vincent and Barret’s sense of humour clash, but Reader, who was designed around being able to bounce off Vincent’s sarcasm, meshes with Barret really well. Anyway Barret wants Reader to make good decisions, and so sometimes ends up giving ‘fatherly’ advice. 

Vincent makes Barret uncomfortable because he’s ‘unnatural,’ and hasn’t quite gone through enough character development yet to shift his thinking from being so black and white. Mainly, he blames Vincent for his otherness instead of Shinra. 

Barret struggles somewhat to reconcile his non-malicious dislike for Vincent, with the respect that he has for Reader and his want for her to make what he thinks are good choices, while also accepting she has the ability to make her own choices. He flounders a lot, but his intentions are good and he does eventually get past his very black and white thinking.

[wannaeatramyeon]

i just saw that you are biased towards vasco tabasco as well 👀👀👀👀 i beg for anything, i have read all the fics on this app twice and im getting withdrawals from my bit tit himbo 😭

Tell me who isn't biased towards our baby Tabasco and I'll fight them!!

Ty for the ask! I just love Vasco so much. He's THE ride or die and has always treated little Daniel so kindly from the start.

He doesn't always get it right but he tries and he learns and his heart is in the right place 😭😭

I feel like there's just SO much I want to read and know about Vasco. HC, x reader, drabbles, novels. But here you go anon, take some wordvom instead

Vasco Headcannons

The Burn Knuckles said they started the gang just cos they like him. Vasco was probably just shouting about protecting people and being all pure then attracting all these macho dudes that were going down the wrong path. He has a sense of justice that is just... Irrefutable. The kind that kids have before they grow up and get cynical and corrupted and he reminds them of a simpler time.

Also he's strong af so if you don't want to die, you come around to his view pretty quickly.

Damon Goh the rubber ducky guy hid away his ducks until Vasco saw them one day and was like 'omg!! These are so cute!!' with his typical heart eyes and asked for one. Since then, Damon just unapologetically carries them around.

No idea Leonn Lee is a girl. Doesnt care if she is, Burn Knuckles membership is open to all.

Doesn't know there's a tool council, thought it was something for architect class. Never made the connection with the Tool nicknames either.

Unapologetic crier. You've seen his tears. Encourages Burn Knuckles to show their emotions. They hold therapy sessions like a confessional but apart from Jace - Vasco and the rest of the gang share 1 braincell so no good can come from this.

Makes friends everywhere he goes. We've seen Vasco make his own crew out of the Homeless, and that's just how he is. He's made friends with BEARS like cmon.

Not that great with names or faces though, and he's just a general clown so he doesn't actually remember a lot of people.

Has a rather childlike and innocent view of the world with justice and lookism. It used to be pretty black and white but he learns and is understanding of the shades of grey pretty quickly. Let's be real, if Vasco was leader of the world - we would all be a lot better off.

Toxic masculinity who? Gender roles what? Zero interest in subscribing to men can't do this or women shouldn't do that. Will be the best provider or househusband ever, whatever makes his partner happy!

Daniel or Jay busy or out of town? If Vasco is available, he will be looking after Enu or Jays puppies. This is absolutely non negotiable. He always gets first dibs.

Seen and heard enough about Vin Jin to think there's no redeeming features with this guy. Although Vasco might be the only person that thinks his rap is pretty good lol

Very little sense of self awareness and decorum around girls. Not really sure where he's going wrong until Jay spruced him up and his post-date download with Jace.

Says he's married to the Burn Knuckles and he's talked less about finding a partner since then. In all honesty he finds the dressing up and the flowery words exhausting. He just wants to find someone that loves him for him, BNC uniform and all :(

And this is the perfect segue into...

Vasco x Reader headcannons

Vasco is the ultimate friends to lover trope. He needs to get to know you first and your personality before he can begin to develops feelings for you. Your morals aligning with his is a must.

Doesn't think too hard on confessing if he likes you. He's a straight forward guy. Main obstacle is Jace giving him terrible advice based on trashy romcoms.

Only Jace (occasionally) or family call him Euntae. Will be so flustered if you do.

He is 100% innocent your honour!!! You likely need to take the initiative in the relationship. He's a romantic at heart but doesn't know how to express himself and is worried about being too foward. First hand hold? First embrace? First kiss? Gonna be all you.

Gets more relaxed the longer you date. Once he's more confident of your comfort levels and knowing that he can be himself around you, will initiate a lot more.

Not a huge fan of PDA but loves holding hands and holding you. It just feels right with you in his arms.

Vasco would naturally be the big spoon, but omg if you were the big spoon? He has never felt so protected and loved and will absolutely melt.

Huge fan of couples outfits. Not the cool ones, the cheesier the better. "If found return to Y/N" "I'm Y/N". And tbh Zack is sick with jealousy that him and Mira don't do that.

Still has an old fashioned sense of chivalry where he wouldn't want you to fight even if you could. After seeing you fight a few times though, he reluctantly let's you get on with things. Will try to step in where possible, but more that he doesn't want to see you get hurt.

Loves the novelty of classic dates at first, especially after seeing and reading about it all so much. Fancy 3 course meals, grabbing a coffee together.

After a while though, would prefer to just have more meaningful dates and take you to his favourite places. Even if it's that Fish Soup place lol, but you don't mind cos you can see how happy he is and being with Vasco is enough.

Expect good morning texts, good night video calls and everything in between! This man isn't afraid of the double or triple text. There's a lot of "I can't wait to see you!" and "I miss you!!" and just random ones like "I tried to buy milk but forgot my wallet lol"

As long as it's not against his morals, he will do A N Y T H I N G for you. Tired? Foot massage. Craving at 3am? Let me run right out. Prefer him clean shaven? Hold on I'll get the razor. He loves you so so much and it shows!

[andromeddog]

hi! love your art :) i just wanted to ask if you have any resources you’d recommend for WWI uniform/gear references for art purposes? i’ve been struggling to find good refs (especially for officers/anything beyond just the basic infantry uniforms) so i thought i’d ask what you tend to use! thanks & have a great day!

hello hey hi!!! ty for the message i love talking about uniforms and spend way too many hours of the day looking for reference of them

so i talked a bit about this before in this post! i stand by a lot of what was said there aka pinterest, google searching/scouring, and that book i linked........ these are all good for officers too! looking for officer ref is often very similar to infantry stuff, tho there may just be less of it depending on what specifically you're looking for. if you are looking for very specific references and want to get insane about it i can talk about that too.... tho i would like to say i dont have like one specific website to link bc i use so many different ones only like once or twice

if you're willing to spend money i'd recommend looking for books on the subject- there is always one strange book from like 1970 about the helmets of ww1 on ebay or something. the nice thing about that is they will typically name the different parts of a uniform, which allows you to google that specific thing to get a closer look. learning about the makeup of a uniform/everything's specific use helps when its time to draw them. ofc this isnt a super sustainable option but investing in a good encyclopedia once has saved me so much time. that guide to ww1 has been well loved

if youre not looking to spend money there are still a lot of options. stuff i like in no particular order:

reenactment pictures- action shots, higher quality pictures than something from 1918. you can find whole galleries of people's reenactment battles (?? is that what theyre called??) if you do a little clicking around.

stock photo websites- be really careful here bc you dont want to get into trouble with usage rights. i only rly use these if im desperate and then very sparingly and piecemeal bc i dont want to get in trouble lol

websites where they sell reproduction/reenactment uniforms- here is an example. reproduction stuff is great bc u can usually find every little bit of the uniform being sold somewhere by someone. ebay has also been surprisingly helpful.

& the thing i would like to stress the most is that i rly dig for references. i literally have 21 tabs open with different searches for super specific things on my phone at this very moment. i use google image search extensively and scroll through literally so many jpegs, pngs, pdfs, webps, etc etc etc. the unfortunate truth is that the more specific you get the harder it is to find stuff. i recently drew a ussr female fighter pilot and had to get ref for her uniform from about 5 different sources (and that was one drawing!!!!!) sometimes i find a reference for the exact thing i need on a website that has nothing else of use to me. the best advice i have here is just keep scouring and clicking and you will eventually find something. i wish this was more helpful but once you know what you are looking for you can search for that thing specifically and that's a big help

this did not need to be so long but if theres one thing about me i will go on and on and on given the chance. im insane can you tell

[butchhamlet]

hi it's me again im the anon who dropped about 800 words about ocd hamlet a couple weeks ago (maybe longer, time has been weird for me lately).. it made me soo happy to see it resonated with you and with some other people who reblogged it as well!! i've been projecting on hamlet ever since i read it and it feels like every time i read it i learn more about him AND me... and ever since Symptoms showed up he's been even dearer to me and im just so glad people like my interpretation as well :)

i hope it's ok for me to do this again because i want to talk about what if lady macbeth has ocd also. and i know this is sort of well. dangerous if that's the right word because 1) lady macbeth IS the villain in her play even if i love her from the bottom of my heart and i support everything she does and ocd is already an incredibly stigmatised and misunderstood 2) hand washing is possibly THE most stereotyped compulsion that sort of epitomises this really warped view of ocd in the public consciousness. i personally do not have handwashing as a compulsion or really any physical compulsions that are direct responses to my intrusive thoughts so i will try to be really really careful when im talking about this. + other disclaimers: again while i have definitely experienced symptoms of ocd i do not know if i have it and i am NOT diagnosed + ocd experiences are different for everyone + you cannot diagnose a character because they are not real + this one is mostly projection and is more a frame of reading than it is an interpretation grounded in textual evidence (esp since i will be talking about the sleepwalking asleep a LOT and she is technically, well. sleeping.) so just. take everything with a pinch of salt and please let me know if i ever overstep!!

im mainly going to be drawing on experiences close to real event ocd even though i know that typically real event ocd is defined by the fact that the sufferer blows their past mistakes way out of proportion and/or question their memories, and i guess i cannot say that lady macbeth’s guilt is completely unjustified because uh. she did kill a man.! but i do think her behaviours after the murder reflects what i’ve seen people speak about online as well as some of the experiences i’ve had. 

guilt as illness

this is more general to the whole play i guess but i wanted to point out how the consequences of the macbeths’ regicide is absolutely portrayed as a disease. there’s a LOT of foreshadowing in lady macbeth’s advice to her husband in the immediate aftermath of their murder: she tells him not to “think / so brain sickly of things”, and says, “these deeds must not be thought / after these ways so, it will make us mad”. (2.ii) the doctor later alludes to “infected minds” (5.i) in relation to lady macbeth’s madness. the fact that the fixation on guilt is seen as an illness i think fits so well with ocd: whenever im having a bad day with intrusive thoughts and mental spirals it genuinely feels like there is something festering in my brain like a parasite feeding on anxiety. 

guilt is also so intrinsically linked to sleep in macbeth: famously macbeth comes out of the king’s chamber ranting about how he may “sleep no more; macbeth doth murder sleep”, and lady macbeth’s obsession pours out of her when she is sleeping (and this is exactly why a doctor is called). i would argue that fucked up sleep is somewhat presented as an illness in ‘macbeth’ too; or if not, at least unnatural. this idea is all over act 2 scene ii (right after macbeth commits the murder) but i think it’s best epitomised in act 3 scene iv: “you lack the season of all natures, sleep.” (lady macbeth) season as in both night-season and seasoning/preservative. so sleep is both a natural part of life, and something that keeps things the way nature or god intended. the doctor says too that disturbed sleep is “a great perturbation in nature” (5.i). nightmares are DEFINITELY depicted as illness: macbeth says that they “sleep / in the affliction of these terrible dreams / that shake us nightly” (3.ii)

insomnia is highly associated with ocd since the obsessions/compulsions prevent sleep and sleep deprivation increases the commonality AND duration of obsession. if a significant portion of your day is spent devoted to obsessions/compulsions, there’s a chance they may become assimilated into intrusive dreams, since dreams are generally regarded as a way that the brain processes memories. thus, we can see that the way guilt in ‘macbeth’ is linked to disturbed sleep parallels how ocd is linked to sleep disorders. so not only is guilt itself an illness in ‘macbeth’, it links to other disorders too

2. withdrawal from dialogue

lady macbeth stops being on equal footing in terms of number of lines with macbeth after the murder. from act 3 she really only responds briefly to what macbeth says, and she’s not even in act 4. i sort of see that as her being dragged under her spiralling thoughts and retreating further and further back into her mind. i know i definitely zone out a LOT more on days where im being absolutely bombarded by intrusive thoughts. she’s definitely disoriented by the begining of act 3:

nought’s had, all's spent, where our desire is got without content. ’tis safer to be that which we destroy, than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy. (3.ii)

the whole soliloquy (if you can even call it that—it’s only 2 couplets) is riddled with paradoxes and confusing wording. her mind is completely scattered and it feels to me as if she’s just been arguing with herself. this might be reaching slightly (as if this entire post isnt kind of reaching already. sorry) but to me it kind of mirrors the absurd leaps of logic my intrusive thoughts and rumination can sometimes take: how can it be “safer” to be destroyed? how can “joy” be doubtful? it doesn’t make sense, and it’s confusing and frightening, but it feels absolutely real. (also note: as you’ve said before ocd is sometimes called the doubting disease. and lady macbeth calls her experience “doubtful”….

3. the mad scene

(disclaimer again i KNOW she is supposed to be asleep the entire time BUT i am going to. sort of. ignore that. sorry</3)

in the beginning of act 5 scene i, lady macbeth’s lady-in-waiting says,

since his majesty went into the field, I have seen her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, unlock her closet, take forth paper, fold it, write upon't, read it, afterwards seal it, and again return to bed — yet all this while in a most fast sleep.

i’ve never experienced physical compulsions myself, but this sort of repeated, methodical act matches how i’ve seen people describe them. the doctor specifically calls them “actual performances”, which suggest, i think, something mechanical and dictated in some way; “perform” is definitely a word i’ve seen people use to descrive carrying out compulsions. (do correct me if i’m wrong!)

then let’s look at lady macbeth’s actual speech:

out, damned spot, out, I say. — one, two — why, then, 'tis time to do't. — hell is murky. — fie, lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard! what need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

the jumping around of her thoughts honestly feels exactly like my mind alternating between intrusive thoughts and desperately trying to justify why they aren’t true. she goes from reflecting on her debillitating guilt, to being anxious about going to hell, to replaying and checking her memories, to reassuring herself (and macbeth) that she won’t get caught, and then to thinking about her guilt again. it’s a rapid-fire, relentless cycle that continues throughout the scene. she’ll jump from reenacting a moment with her husband, to the obsessing over the blood on her hands, then back again. notably, in her address to macbeth, she never seems to be reenacting the exact same moment. she taunts him for his cowardice seemingly before the murder, then pleads with him, saying that “banquo cannot come out his grave”, then goes back to when they are fleeing the crime scene. i think this reflects the sort of distortion of memory that constant memory checking and ocd can cause. the moodswings and the flip-flopping between “everything’s fine” and “i’m going to hell” are also SO intense and honestly it’s exactly what it feels like on my worst days. 

in the entire scene, lady macbeth speaks in prose instead of verse: it’s obviously a sign of madness by itself, but i also think it reflects the complete loss of control she has over her thoughts and actions. in the beginning acts she is all about control: she demands “spirits / that tend on mortal thoughts” (1.v) to do her bidding, she tells macbeth to “leave all the rest to me” (1.v), and she tells him what to do at every moment. but at this point in the play she can’t stop the onslaught of regrets, guilt, and memories, and she can’t even control herself physically.

speaking of the elephant in the room: the excessive handwashing. i think of lady macbeth’s handwashing as less of a reaction to a genuine fear of contamination, but as something more akin to body-repetitive behaviours like skin-picking (dermatillomania) and hair-pulling (trichitillomania, which i think i have) which are associated with ocd.

i sort of headcanon lady macbeth to have absolutely horrible skin splits on her hands (<- this part is complete projection): and so following this interpretation, i think of her handwashing sort of as a form of self-flagellation because rubbing her hands continually will make the skin tear and bleed. (gore tw?) that, then, fits in with the blood on her hands: in her semi-conscious state she thinks it’s duncan’s, when it’s really hers.

i know that another common compulsion is counting: and lady macbeth does count (“one, two—’tis time to do it.”) one of the reasons people with ocd may count (and there are many reasons, this is not the be-all-end-all) is “attaching meaning to particular numbers where certain numbers will induce anxiety, while others will reduce anxiety. for example, if you assign special meaning to the number three, you might count your steps by threes, or lock and unlock your car three times before driving, or any variety of other action ruled by this magic number.” (<- quoted from nocd website)

i also know that repetition of words or phrases is another common compulsion. and these are lady macbeth's final lines:

to bed, to bed; there's knocking at the gate. come, come, come, come, give me your hand. what's done cannot be undone. — to bed, to bed, to bed.

4. her death

in your ocd hamlet post, you talked about how hamlet’s death is almost peaceful in his “silence”, and how horatio, despite knowing all his flaws and obsessions, believes wholeheartedly in his salvation. (that honestly means the world to me, by the way, so thank you.) the macbeths went through EVERYTHING together: the planning, the crime itself, the aftermath—it’s clear from their dialogue that at the beginning of their sufferings they saw each other go through sleeplessness, nightmares, and obsession. but over the course of the play, they completely fall apart. (i think the last time macbeth uses “we” to refer to the two of them is to say “we’ll to sleep” and “we are yet but young in deed”, which is the most ironic thing ever.) macbeth’s only response to lady macbeth’s death is “she should have died hereafter.” i honestly don’t know what that means in terms of the ocd reading, or in comparison with horatio's reaction to hamlet's death. i'd love to know what you think.

thanks for bearing with me!! i’m a bit less confident in this reading than i am for ocd hamlet, and it’s more likely i’ll get something wrong about ocd in this one, but sorry i just wanted to unleash this somewhere i hope that’s okay and genuinely please tell me if i say anything wrong or insensitive! i also typed this over 3 hours and went over the text as if this was a homework essay.....? and it is now almost 2am so i’m sorry if this isn’t coherent. i hope you’re having a wonderful day :)

hi same anon here i forgot to put this in but. i listened to verdi macbeth opera mad scene una macchia è qui tuttora the whole time i was writing that thing in case anyone would like to know...... i love it so so much my favourite video recording is by sylvia sass on youtube https://youtu.be/tP59Ox8MdQ4?feature=shared&t=319 AND there are full productions of the opera on youtube as well. thank you so much for reading!!!!

YES.... YES..... YESSSSSSSSSS I LOVE AN OCD LADY MACBETH... IT'S ABOUT THE GUILT IT'S ABOUT THE REPETITION DOES EVERYONE HEAR ME? TODAY WE ARE DOING GUILT AND REPETITION

i have had similar thoughts about the sort of inherent trickiness of it (oh, the lady who washes her hands a lot has ocd? whoa, totally original thought that has nothing to do with pop culture perception of ocd) (and also she did kill a man). but you really said it all with that ksdhfdksnfdsn. i will pitch in that i DO have handwashing compulsions and tbh. i personally think lady macbeth ocd reading is a net win even if it does trail a little close to stereotypes because if you dig even slightly deeper than "haha handwashing" it allows for an examination of ocd not just as an action but also as a manifestation of guilt and illness. which is SO macbeth. the body politic is sick the government is sick!!! again im taking the words right out of your mouth here this ask whips ass

shaking your hand on conceiving of ocd as something parasitical. really feels like there is some Thing up there feeding on my brain. (also on intrusive thought dreams. fucked upppppp like man leave me alone)

AND ON THAT NOTE i feel like even if she is asleep it can still be ocd. i say this with no medical training whatsoever and this isn't, like, me asserting that people actually do compulsions while asleep, but on a narrative level, the emotional processes happening to her character are petty clear even if she's sleepwalking, right. once again no medical training whatsoever

the jumping around of her thoughts honestly feels exactly like my mind alternating between intrusive thoughts and desperately trying to justify why they aren’t true. [...] the moodswings and the flip-flopping between “everything’s fine” and “i’m going to hell” are also SO intense and honestly it’s exactly what it feels like on my worst days.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. the ugly intrusive thought -> self-reassurance -> self-reassurance makes it worse -> intrusive thought (harder and worse) spiral. and literally this is EXACTLY what it feels like. me when i accidentally say something rude and then i'm evil for three days. except she killed a man

i sort of headcanon lady macbeth to have absolutely horrible skin splits on her hands (<- this part is complete projection): and so following this interpretation, i think of her handwashing sort of as a form of self-flagellation because rubbing her hands continually will make the skin tear and bleed. (gore tw?) that, then, fits in with the blood on her hands: in her semi-conscious state she thinks it’s duncan’s, when it’s really hers.

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH. ON AN ANALYTICAL LEVEL AND A PERSONAL LEVEL. LITERALLY THE LEAPS I CAN DO IN MY BEAUTIFUL MIND TO BE LIKE WOW IM JUST LIKE LADY MACBETH (BLOOD ON MY HANDS). YOU N ME BROTHER

and re: her death and the macbeths splintering apart. that is honestly the most painful part of this play for me, as a lover of evil couples and also of their specific dynamic. the fact that they mesh so well at the beginning (i mean, they argue, there's friction, but they're clearly on the same page--they enter their first shared scene both thinking the same thing and a lot of their communication is in implication) and then they just. fragment. and i think with the OCD ladymac reading it's even worse, because the thing about OCD at least in my experience is that. at some point the people around you stop being able to understand what the fuck your problem is. even when they're trying really hard. because it doesn't make any sense! the compulsions don't make logical sense the self-flagellation doesn't make any sense none of it is SOLVING anything but it also does make sense, To You, on a level you cannot really explain to people that don't Get It*. and so like. the macbeths are already breaking apart because of their responses to the murder, and this is just one more thing coming between them. she is trapped in a cage in her brain that he cannot see.

*(i think not infrequently about the overlap between OCD and psychosis; i haven't experienced psychosis and obviously there are major differences, but i relate a lot to what psychotic people have said about, like, the ability to hold multiple contradictory truths at once. my compulsions will not actually stop disasters from happening, but they also will. you could maybe pull in something about macbeth's parallel loss of control + his hallucinations? but i'm not diagnosing macbeth with psychosis necessarily i'm just saying words).

anyway, anon, i am always extremely impressed by your dedication to writing out quotes and coming armed with evidence, and also your analysis fucking bangs. this is such a good ask i need to frame it on the wall your mind is huge. i hope you have a wonderful day as well :)

[windvexer]

what cards do you think represent "same as usual" in context of a daily spread? i always feel like im expecting something crazy to happen whenever i do a daily spread to see how my day will play out

Great question. I do not do daily spreads so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice on this.

But here are some ideas.

1. All cards are "same as usual" unless you get really wicked specific portents of something big happening.

E.g., only major arcana cards indicate something big is going down.

Or, all cards specifically point towards backstabbing and lies.

Or, all cards are King cards (perhaps indicating a person?).

You can develop specific portents for yourself. E.g., when you do your special daily spread, an Ace indicates that something really big is going to be coming up, so cards have to be pair with Aces to get an "it's going down" meaning.

This is kind of more related to Lenormand type stuff and if you're looking to expand your reading skills, learning Lenormand is a fun way to look at tarot in a new light.

2. Expand your understanding of card meanings to include small ideas.

7/Swords doesn't have to be an act of betrayal towards you from a coworker or whatever. It could be an uncomfortable memory that you haven't dwelled on for a long time popping up to ruin about 20 minutes of your day.

The Knight/Wands doesn't have to be a dashing new adventurer who comes into your life, it could be an exciting but brief creative idea that you ruminate on during a coffee break but then forget about.

Personally I'd recommend this take if your goal is to get better at tarot specifically because it's useful to challenge our notions of what the cards can be.

3. Don't use tarot for daily draws.

Such a cop-out answer, I know. But, I have never been able to sustain a daily draw practice because I personally think tarot sucks for daily draws.

I think tarot is a really great system for what it is, which is displaying broad and typically spiritual archetypes and concepts that are best used for a bird's-eye view of large situations, and not only that, but situations which lend themselves to the microcosm proposed by the tarot.

When you get right down to it, there's a lot of shit in day-to-day living that simply is not represented in the tarot at all, or if it is, is a niche meaning or one you might even have to invent yourself.

Other systems of cartomancy, like using playing cards or Lenormand, tend to lend themselves much more readily to "mundane" questions. And learning them can make you a better tarot reader.

4. If it's about learning tarot, do your daily draw at the end of the day.

Even doing this temporarily can help you understand how cards relate to the more common stuff that's going on.

[sans-guy]

Do you have any advice about keeping bittys? I was thinking of getting one (maybe classic or fell, or both if they would get along and keep each other company?) but I'm not sure if I'm ready. Do you keep yours in a cage or can you let them roam free? Also how much should you feed them?

i am definitely not an expert or qualified by any means, before crumb i really had no idea how to care for one, but it really is just like having your own guy hanging around.

most sanses are typically Ok with just existing around you, but the buggers can teleport short distances, so just be mindful.

i don't really know anything about papyrus bitties but i heard they're a lot more social typically than sanses; but then again always depends on the type.

remember they're just little guys so i wouldn't recommend sticking them in a cage; i did with crumb for a while but eventually i just let him roam my house as much as he wanted, and he was much happier that way. He didn't go far because there's no nice hot fresh food outside.

If you really want them to have a nice place of their own, a doll house could work?? might be a little patronizing to them since most of them are like pink and frilly barbie houses. but there are people who hand make small houses for bitties. they're pretty expensive tho

they'll eat whatever you eat, i guess just make a little extra whenever you cook. obviously they don't eat a lot, but it does bring a guardian and their bitty closer when you guys share meal time :>

don't feed them like. bitty pellets. that's a load of bs. would you want to only eat crunchy dried food all the time? wears their teeth down too.

enrichment depends on the type but all of them like joke books, im pretty sure.

Idk what bitty would be fine with being left home alone all the time so i really only recommend getting another one if you work all day; but it's a costly mistake if their personalities don't meld with each other :(

i'm sure any rescue/adoption centers will let you bring your bitty in to meet another one to see if they get along initially.

If i'm going to reccomend one to a beginner, i'd say a blue/swap is the best choice, ik ik they're popular but they really are pretty easy to take care of and very interactive

classic is another good choice, but they like their naps and alone time so they're good if you just want a chill guy without the higher maintenance and attention a swap needs.

ones like swapfell or horror or yandere i only recommend for intermediates, i hear a lot about their temper or aggression.

crumb is a special case for me, he's my first and only bitty (so far)

his last caretaker wasn't so great with him, not sure what they did, but whatever they did resulted in crumb's hesitation when it comes to socializing. He's getting better though, but i still allow him to pick and choose when and who he wants to be around; forcing him to is counter productive.

tldr; just show your little guys some respect and decency.