#im not finishing this when i cant even remember doing it
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omg wait i just sent in the baby it’s cold outside request and im now realizing that YOU PLANTEF THE SEED IN MY BRAIN WITH YOUR HCS WHEN I CATCH YOU!!
but if you don’t mind could you please go more into depth with that idea pls pls pls
the christmas spirit
you were sat on your sofa watching you boyfriends newest podcast episode, you were sorting through your own footage when you hear him talk about making a christmas album
now you knew he could sing, but an album worried you, he was no sinatra. so you decided to call him up and see what he was thinking
you clicked on his contact and began calling "jayjay😏" after 5 rings you really considered giving up, but you finally saw the word connecting
you again considered hanging up when he answered the phone looking like this.
"what." he groaned it a low pitched voice, you giggled before realizing what time it was by him
"jay why were you sleeping at five P.M" you squinted your eyes at him
"im tired." he deadpanned. you sighed before laughing again at his mad face, before you could speak he began to stretch and the angle where he dropped his phone gave you a full view of his beautiful body.
"do you know hot you are?" you ask admiring your boyfriend.
"ill hang up on you, slut." he never did like compliments.
"brat, anyways." you rolled your eyes "i just finished watching chuckle, you looked very cute, but what was this about a christmas album?"
his face lit up "i forgot to tell you! okay so remember my way, well i know you remember it but you get it, i wanted a new project to focus on so im going to make a christmas album!"
schlatt found it very hard to focus on one thing for a prolonged period of time, but he always loved singing so you believed this would be good for him.
"babe and how are you gonna do that?" you questioned, he began to pout as he walked to his bathroom and set down his phone on the counter
"what you dont beweve in me?" he asked in a weird baby voice, while alos having a mouth full of toothpaste
"gross. no of course i do, but i mean your gonna need a producer, a person to re-write the music so you can own it, a vocal coach, how much is this gonna cost you?" you voiced your concerns
"not as much as ill make from it" he laughed
"ugh i hate you" a sigh escaped you but he persisted
"and one more thing.. i want you to be in it."
-if there is one thing you knew about yourself, it was that you were not about to be one of those youtubers who started making shitty music
-so when i tell you it took a long time to get schlatt to convince you to be on the album, it took months
-but when you eventually came around schlatt was ecstatic
-and honestly you were kinda excited too, you would get to see your boyfriend after not seeing him for over a month
-and with this album drop, you both agreed it would basically be your own version of a hard launch
-you wanted to pick songs that would compliment both of your voices, but also make it pretty clear you were more then just friends
-you chose santa baby and baby its cold outside, but schlatt added another, your favorite song, something stupid by frank and nancy sinatra
-you were so excited to see him that the thought of having to sing that well didnt even cross your mind
-but you boarded your flight to LA without second thought, excited to see your favorite boy when you landed
schlatt fucking hates Los Angeles, its hot, the people suck ass, theres always traffic, and right now, the fact that your not with him is driving him insane.
your flight should be landing any minute, and hes sitting in an airport trying to hide and make sure no one recognizes him.
the reason that becoming increasingly difficult is because fucking jack manifold, tom simons, and harry tornado (average harry), waltz off the plane, into the airport, in los angeles.
where everyone is always looking for someone to recognize.
schlatt is hiding twenty feet away from them, but hes already gotten noticed four times, the man cant catch a break.
he just wants to see his girlfriend, not interact with his fuckass fans
that fact that your relationship was private didnt help, he would one hundred percent makeout with you in the middle of the airport, but now that you have planned your hardlaunch he has to contain himself.
harry and jack were taking a picture with a fan, and tom was pissing as usual when schlatt finally saw you
he launched himself up and flailed his arms around like a clown to you, when you saw him you bolted across the floor and threw your bags at harry, who fell over from the force.
like flat on his ass.
you ran and jumped your man “i missed you so much baby” you laughed
“there is a group of teenage girls to your left that have their phones out, i love you so fucking much but save it for the bnb.�� he smiled down at you
you giggled and looked over at the six girls, who were activley ignoring harry and tom who were awkwardly standing by them
"holy fucking shit im your biggest fan, please please please can i get a picture with you ive been watching you since i was fucking ten." one girl yelled
"kezia shut the hell up your gonna scare her away." another slapped her
"alanna you dont understand." she wailed
"you look alot like our art teacher" another added
"renn arent you a patron of her podcast?" holy fuck there were so many of them
they all began yelling over eachother and fan girling over you, "do you guys want a picture, or we can make a tiktok or something, up to you guys." you said politely
"can i be in it?" harry asked quietly
"um, sorry, who are you?" tom and jack started hysterically laughing and slapping harry
you guys ended up making a funny tiktok in the middle of LAX and they told you they were all friends because of an art class they have together.
after you all said our goodbyes you all loaded into ted's truck that schlatt was borrowing to haul you all around
you got in the passenger seat as schlatt went over the plan for the week
"okay, we have an airbnb for all of us, but two of you have to share a room, theres three in total. so jack tom and harry two of you will have to be sharing a bed, no homo in my airbnb do ya' hear me?"
they all burst out laughing and agree to schlatts terms
"okay, today once all of you are back at the bnb, im gonna head to the studio to record my solo songs, tommora' im recording with tom and jack, harry you can tag along or whatever, wednesday me and you are together"
he rested his hand on your thigh as he looked at you, his eyes full of stars, looking at you as if you had hung them
"then Thursday, me ludwig, quackity and theo are gonna be down there, the rest of the week is scheduled incase we need to re-record anything or just have fun, everyone undertand?"
he squeezed your thigh as he drove, eyes locked on you
"eyes on the road buddy" you pushed his head foward and sat back in your seat admiring you boyfriend as your friends wrestled in the back.
"harry cut it out, tom stop touching his bum or whatever you britsh fucks call it. youre being gay man, what did i say about that." schlatt jokes, he told you privately that he was bisexual so you knew his jokes were simply just jokes
you watched him as he yelled at the monkeys in the back seat and all you could think is how good of a dad hes going to be, you've spoke about kids before, and your both on the same page which is a huge relief.
you thought about what features your kids would get from him, and god you hoped it was his nose, you loved his nose.
"can ya' stop thinking so hard i swear i can hear your thought." he laughed as he stopped at a red light, looking over to you again
"i just love you so much." you laughed
"ew mom and dad are gonna fuck!" tom gagged
"get a room you perverts" harry lent over the middle console and made smooching noises, schlatt grabbed his face and pushed him back into his seat.
"this is gonna be a long fucking week, im gonna kill myself i swear." schlatt scoffed
"take me with you then" you sighed and slouched into your seat.
day one. (six days remaining)
you woke up with schlatts arms wrapped around your waist, good start.
you both woke up early so you could get breakfast for you and your kids, as you walked up the streets of LA all you could think about is how you want to spend the rest of your life with this man.
"penny for your thoughts?" he laughed, but was one of his calm laughs that was so genuine and unforced
"just love you, love us y'know? i wanna have a big house, a cat, maybe a dog, some little you's running around, i just cant wait to move in with you next month"
"if you say anything like that again ill fuck you right here. dont test me, im gonna have to walk around witha' boner now you whore"
your laugh escaped you and you had to bend over and stop walking as you look up at your now tomoato colored boyfriend.
"c'mon keep it moving." he gunted, a small smiled appearing on his stone cold face.
you ate breakfast together then made your way back to the bnb to deliver food to your "kiddos", soon after they all left for the studio so you decided to start a little project of your own, a suprise one
since schlatt was going to hard launch your realationship through something he loved, you decided you'd do the same
a little video about the love of your life
day two (five days remaining)
you and schlatt repeated the same routine in the morning, you went and got breakfast, went back the bnb, got changed and finally left for the studio
on your walk there schlatt warned you about the homeless person right infront of the studio
"no im so serious, he actually tried to stab me two days ago, and when i finaly got away from him he started yelling how he could take me, and not in a fight. let me tell you, he was not my type."
you both walked into the studio to be met by a italian man named David, but it was pronounced daviday.
he directed you both to a booth were you were instructed to drink tea and blow bubbles into a cup
"babe im starting to get nervous, if i fuck up, or have a voice crack, and you laugh at me. so help me god im breaking up with you" you told him
"lemme tell you what happened yesterday" he sat down and began drinking his tea. "i let harry sing one line on jingle bells and his voice went up and octave and cracked. it was so funny holy shit, i have to get that recording."
you both contiuned talking about the recording process so far, until david told you he was ready to begin, starting with baby its cold outside and you were gonna do a full run through no matter the mistakes.
the music counted in and you started off the song "i really cant stay" you sang. then your boyfriend came in with "but baby, its cold outside" and your eyes widened at how good he sounded
you went through the full thing and after the last line you laughed until you heard davids voice, "both of you, that was shit, do it again."
schlatt didnt even seem fazed by this. holy fuck you were in for a long day.
once david was semi happy with that song you moved onto something stupid, and that one went by much faster.
but the song you were dreading most was next, mostly cause you had to carry the whole song
schlatt started off the ong with the iconic bu-bum, bu-bum' when your voice came in "santa, baby, just slip a sable under the tree for me, been an awful good girl."
as you sang your eyes looked up at him an winked before you focused on singing again.
schlatt continued through the song, but the moment you were done, he scurred off to the bathroom while you did certain lines and verses over and over
when he came back, his face was significantly redder, but you just laughed and moved on, too focused on perfecting your song
you had been recording for over 12 hours now, both of you exhausted.
when you were finally done it was two am.
you called an uber and headed back to the bnb
as you fell asleep on schlatts chest, all you could think about was how you couldnt wait to upload the album, and finally live with the love of your life.
#guys i got lazy near the end#jschlatt x reader#jschlatt#schlatt imagine#christmas#holiday album#streamer reader x content creator schlatt
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from february 💘
#stranger things#stonathan#i remember drawing this in a barnes & noble because i was doing pretty bad mentally and i knew#that my cure-alls would be my books my tea and drawing these two jackoffs#steve harrington x jonathan byers#i also think the reason i never posted it (this is from either february of this year or february last year) is bc it was meant to#just be a self care thing. didnt want a whole lot of people seeing it#my computer died at the barnes and i was soooo frustrated i walked to a taco bell to plug 'er back in and finish this#that ended up helping too. tacos & stonathan cant go wrong#artings#every now and then i see this in my archives or files and im like huh wow i dont remember drawing this#then i dont look at it for a longggg timeeee#real ones will know that this was drawn in february cuz thats when i headcanon their anniversary meow meow meow#steve harrington#jonathan byers#stonathan art#stonathan fanart#stranger things art#stranger things fanart#also pretend that this is height accurate lol i still have a Lot of problems w this drawing even though i rlly like it a lot#eyes
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do you remember when we felt like the only two alive?
#w101#wizard101#w101 oc#wizard101 oc#dasein#wizsein#oc: aedan#sal art#its missing lemuria prequest hours#aedan will never say it because hes Nice but sometimes he rly does get annoyed having to share dasein's attention#like hes so happy that dasein got what he wanted wrt Being Something#but he does also miss when it was just the two of them#like Way back even before they met Stallion/the other heroes#he wishes he'd had the chance to show dasein around the spiral before things got Complicated#two finished art pieces in as many days. hoo boy#i got to azteca on aedan so im getting like. Excited. this is the last part of the game that really feels like a slog to me#khrysalis is Long but i enjoy it too much to be annoyed by it#and for as much as karamelle sucks its a VERY short world#I CANT WAIT TO DO ARC 3 AGAIN!!! I MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#OH the song is Remember When by Wallows btw#one day ill share my whole wizsein playlist here
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You’re right, it is rough for us new folks. It’s frustrating trying to navigate when so many people spew hate towards each other.
I’m getting so tired of seeing “If you believe ___, then you have no reading comprehension.” Even from people whose opinions I agree with.
It’s gotten better as I’ve blocked people/filtered tags, but back when I first got here, it was awful.
I'm putting all my opinions under a cut just because it was long, and not because it was triggering
I think, from my perspective, it's two separate things. On the one hand, the obsession with canon, whether people want to admit it or not, stems from this belief that all the shippers they personally hate will HAVE to leave once we get book confirmation.
Which, of course, explains the sizable Azris/Neris community. That's how that works.
It always gets dressed up "well I just want the "bad" shippers to go" without admitting they want EVERYONE to leave, AND that their aggressive behavior only punishes the people who are trying to ship and let ship outside of the bullshit. The people in love with fighting won't leave, they'll simply rebrand into an anti account.
And secondly, this belief that it's SooOOOOoOOOOooOOOooo obvious what the next book is about from an author who retcons her own world building book to book and has done so since the inception of this series. Which like, to some degree, is the one thing everyone agrees on, but only conditionally and only when it suits them.
So canon becomes a convenient, inconsistently applied weapon in which some folks can beat others over the head with to shove their very specific interpretation of the books onto others- this happens even IN the ship (see: I'm, apparently, not really an elucien and I owe that one redditor who claimed I "sometimes" wrote elucien and was a feysand/gwynriel an apology LMAO). I've watched people within the ship itself fight smaller, newer accounts because their vision doesn't align with what often what amounts to a fanon interpretation ANYWAY.
Ultimately, none of this would be any of my business (and its not lost on me I was vaguing people instead of just calling them out directly), except for the amount of people who routinely slide into my DMs talking about how nervous they are to interact, how other people have come after them with sharp teeth for the crime of different head canons/ship preferences. I take that personally, I guess, because I remember being new and nervous and like, people were mostly very welcoming and kind.
This is everyones hobby, and it's both not serious, not life threatening, or worth a lot of the vitriol that happens day to day. I wish folks would consider the question, "who cares?" when it's not offensive or harmful.
#like if this is the environment people want i cant stop that- i am not the fandom police nor do i care to be (AND IM NOT ELUCIEN HOUSE MOM)#but you know when people lament that artists dont create fanart unless theyre paid#and fic writers dont finish what theyre working on and leave#just remember this is your environment that you curated#you dont get to have appreciation when youre shitting all over people 24/7 for not falling in line#for not agreeing with you#or for even wanting different things#and maybe fandom is this way to YOU#If I'm feeling burned out i can only imagine how other people feel
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WHSIKEY IM NOT ANSWERING YOUR ASK IM SO SORRY
#I CANT. I CANT LIE TO YOU I CAN T DO IT#YOU JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOURE OUT OF WORK AND FINISH THE EPISODE#remember how ive said the ehole time that prime defenders s2e39 fucked me up so bad.#im not even joking when i listened to 39 the first time i . paused it so many yimes to compose myself.#The Thing happens and i stopped fucking watching for an HOUR because i was cryinf and i had to psyche myself up to start the ep agajn#and in the coming parts that you havent seen yet i CONTINUED to cry but theres a thing that happens that#made me throw my hamds in the air so forcefully that i FELL OFF MY FUCKING COUCH#and CONTINUED TO WATCH THE REST OF THE EP WHILE SITTING ON THE FLOOR#and then i proceeded to stand up and walk in circles around my apartment for like 20 minutes#fucking SCREAMING to myself because jonesy hadnt finished the episode yet and i couldnt fucking TALK ABOUT IT#my neighbors probably thinking im fucking nuts
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Guys guys guess what!!! I'm still struggling with health issues and writing takes a lot of effort I just don't have the energy for. But some friends decided it could be fun to do a little fanfic/fanart collab. And it's just a silly casual thing so its okay that it will take me a really long time. So im gonna be working on an enby Dazai fic that will get fanart with it!!!! I'm really excited. I hope it turns out good. This will be the first project I'm working on since I went of hiatus and im worried it will escalate my issues again but im going to try anyways. Wish me luck!!!!
#crab says words#crab writes fics#anyone that remembers that post i made back in January about enby Dazai..... thats basically what the fic will be about :D#im so hyped because so many people have expressed excitement over it now#even if it takes me a super long time to be able to finish it since its a casual thing with friends i know they wont be upset with me#i dont participate in events because people get irritated when i cant go fast enough aha#anyways yeah i just wanted to share#friendly reminder that even tho im talking about it now it does usually take me several months to write a short oneshot so it will be awhile#i hope my health issues dont make it take a lot of extra time because i will feel so bad haha 😅#if i manage to do this without a bunch of issues then i will end my hiatus and continue working on the soukoku fic :)#we shall see#i hope it all works out!!
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At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in
i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment
#infinite wealth spoilers#snap chats#what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO#i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed#i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was#like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting#esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english#typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others#im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily#it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO#maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in#like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok#thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE#POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time#but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter#like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts)#its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0..#BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time#i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game#and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that#if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point
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God, this is fucking crazy
So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.
Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?
I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.
I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.
It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.
So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha
#speculation nation#im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly#i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails#at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school#then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work#simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo#(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot#which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple#but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing#so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.
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overall i think movie sonic being redesigned was a good decision but sometimes i wish they had never done it with how annoying people are about it with the constant spread of misinformation about how/why it happened + this attitude people have gotten from it thinking they can get anything they don't like in a movie or show or game changed if they complain on twitter enough regardless of what exactly they're wanting changed or how close the release date is or what company is making it or whatever
#so many people who do not have the power to change whatever youre mad about#have been harassed in the name of bullying them into fixing it like we did with sonic. like what the hell#remember when people decided sonic frontiers was bad very early on and were harassing people who worked on it or were excited for if#and were like ''well it worked with the sonic movie so its ok !!!''. what is wrong with you people#also people saying it over things that just cant be changed#i remember like 3 or 4 months before the live action monster high movie came out people were making the sonic joke for the millionth time#even though filming had already been finished and a lot of progress was made on editing too#and the things theu were wanting changed would require restarting the whole thing#even though it had a set release date of october and they definitely wouldnt meet that deadline if they redid the entire movie#its not the same!!!! not everything can be a sonic movie situation!!!!#dont even get me started on people just lying about the whole thing being a marketing stunt#and im not saying dont criticize movies ever just stop pretending everything can be a sonic movie situation
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i NEED to get back into writing but it's so hard and im being so brave about it😭
#i have so many tabs open i keep changing my mind about what i should write#ive just been fucking around on my laptop for like an hour idk what im doing#at first i was like well i could just warm up with some random prompts. but then i was like thats not motivating enough rn#so i was like okay i'll work on memory wip. but i don't have an outline and i've only written a little bit of the first draft#so i don't know what's going to happen which means i'd have to Think. and also read through my notes bc i don't remember what i've decided#abt the characters and worldbuilding#but like. i just cant be bothered to do that😭#so you see the issue is laziness#i guess i should just use a simple prompt at first even tho i dont feel like it just to get over the hurdle#at least i'll have written something....#speaking it into existence I CAN WRITE REGULARLY IF I CHOOSE TO!!!#I'll need the outlet when I start my new job in august im so fucking nervous#i'll need something to keep me sane😭#and i want to actually be able to finish the projects i start! at least finish a single draft! i've done it before i can do it again!#vee.txt
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reason number 874569 why i cannot be trusted with asbel
asbel you're not allowed to say that.
#wips#2hcb1#<- which is shorthand for the title of my angsty fan fic btw I cant remember if I explained that#tho this scene is from the sequel i will probably never finish. this is the first art i've made for it#for context he tried the 'I guess I'll take your hand' friendship speech on Emeraude and it didnt work#thus channeling his inner edgelord of lhant#as if such a thing exists. every reference photo of asbel is like 😀😄😊🙂#nah it's definitely lambda saying that even i wouldn't make asbel THAT ooc#this is what I do now when Im exhausted but cant sleep. draw asbel in various states of misery and torment.#i have to remember that im the weird one here. graces is normally so cheerful what have i done 😅#i am cringe but i am free
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ill never be good enough at anything
#vent#events of today only proved it#im genuinely so close to giving up completely#i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing#I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im#the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did#i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships#i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long#i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math#i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive#hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough#i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi#i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i#know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out#i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on#just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height#the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from#if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic#i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me#i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.
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Losing a family member or a partner is already literally one of the worst parts of life we have to go through but being the person(s) that have to also handle all of the legal, formal, and financial parts of it makes it so much fucking worse like rubbing salt in a wound.
Like here I know you're devastated and grieving but also you need to fill out assloads of paperwork and get things set up immediately and figure out how to pay at the very cheapest $1k for a cremation without even being able to give the person you loved a proper funeral because it costs thousands of dollars more, and having to call Medicare and all the other govt. places to report her death and so fucking much that has to be handled.
Honestly everyone needs to find a way to teach themself at least the basics of everything that has to be handled after death because your family or partner could be perfectly fine one day and then all of a sudden an accident happens like a fall or wreck and it could all fall on you to handle every single thing.
And not a single part of the process is easy which only makes what is already one of the hardest things to go through in life exponentially worse.
And, death is so extremely expensive. Literally the cheapest possible cremation we can find is $995 and that's no funeral or anything just straight to ashes in a box.
You don't want to be struck with such a tragedy and have zero knowledge of what will become your responsibility to handle and pay for.
I know it's awful to even think about your loved ones dying but not knowing what to do when it happens, because death is the one thing that happens to us all and it can happen at literally any time, will only make everything worse and harder for you.
If you know you will be responsible for handling someone's affairs after death, take the time to actually sit down and discuss how they would want you to handle it and seriously consider looking into some kind of life insurance, even if it's not for much, because creation and funeral services require payment upfront and this isn't something that can be put off until you can afford it. Wether or not they had a life insurance policy could be the thing that could completely fuck you financially especially if you were already struggling.
#death#dying#i dont know what we're gonna do im gonna have to make another post asking for help because we absolutely do not have $1000#but it needs to be paid#im trying so fucking hard to keep myself going but this is all literally just the fucking worst#its been 29 and a half hours since she fell. 30 hours ago everything was fine and normal and we were just eating dinner like any other night#she didnt even get to have her dessert which i was literally finishing up making for her when it happened#i ran to her as fast as i could and i called for help and i tried me best to help and stop the bleeding but she hit her head too bad and#there isnt a single thing the drs can do except keep her as comfortable as they can until her heart stops#as she lays there twitching#no im not okay#i know there isnt anything different i couldve done that wouldve saved her but god damnit its all just fucking horrible#its been just over a full day since it happened and i still almost cant believe it fucking happened#it hurt so bad when i first got up and remembered i dont have to make her breakfast today#it hurt every single time i walked by or glaced at her bedroom door#or realized it was just a bit too quiet in the house cause her tv isnt playing the gameshows she loved to watch#or didnt have to make her a plate for dinner or bring her any dessert#jaye shut up
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#idk why i thought it would be different this time#im an absolute idiot. im too fucking stupid to comprend all this shit#'maybe my professors will know how to help me' they never tell me shit. they havent helped me at all. i feel so stupid every correction#no matter how much i read or what i watch its like i cant understand anything#i used to love programming!!! i used to actually know what i was doing!!!!! when did i become so stupid!!!!#should i aak for help from someone else? probably! but i dont want them to know how much of an idiot i am#just kidding. i know all my friends know how stupid i am. doesnt mean i dont want them to give them even more proof of that#nor bother them either tbh. why should they have to waste time because im a fucking idiot?#im. such a disappointment#i dont want to do this anymore#every monday is just me going to that stupid class and see how dumb i am compared to everyone else. so pathetic#how did i even manage to pass all my classes? how do i only have my thesis left?#part of me wants to abandon everything but what would i do then? look for a job?#im an idiot and a horrible artist where the hell would i get a job? not like finishing my thesis would change that but. yknow#im so scared. for real how did it end up like this?#everyday i feel more stupid. i remember less. my body hurts a little more each day for reasons unknown#i dont understand how others have any expectation of me#i cant talk to others because everytime i have tried to express any worry i instantly get a joke or mock in reply#im so tired of everything#haunted.txt
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after basking in the glow of my pettiness - writing on the mirror ‘would an adult leave their nail clippings on the shared vanity’ 4 my brother - karma got me, bc i accidentally knocked a fucking cactus onto my bed
#stream#i’m#u know what i was fucking right i don’t care#i knocked it at 1.06a & it is now 1.43a literally im using a folded towel as a pillow ALSKALSKALSKLAKSLA like#now i’ve got to do SO much laundry & fucking vacuum i’m going to end it all#BUT OH MY GOD ???? MY BROTHER IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS UR ALMOST 24 HOW DID U NOT FUCKING CLEAN UP UR NAIL CLIPPINGS#JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ????? WHAT IS WRONG W U !!! HE CANT EVEN FUCKING CHANGE THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WHEN HE FINISHES IT OH MY GOD !!!!!!!#like ‘why doesn’t he have a girlfriend’ mum look at this#U LOOK AT THIS#this is what u got#bc i’m going to kill myself#i want to smoke soooooooo bad but it’s ok bc i’ve chugged a glass of wine & then remembered i can get high & now i’m chillin#1.47a & livin the dream#if i start looking at myself & my surroundings i will have a breakdown#like omg at the fucking meeting on friday we had coworkers that graduated come back for what reason idk it was nice to see them but they’re#like ‘if u want. a gap year or 2 before grad school go ahead like u should do that’ & im like mama …#i’ve been in school for like 6.5-7 years …. like + minimester + summer courses 😭😭 like break ?#if i took a break i literally would not go back to school#like ALSKALKSLAKSLAKALA#& i need to fucking apply to grad schools still FOR THIS FUCKING FALL#like y’all ….#i’m going to KERMIT#like i-#i’m also just toyin in my head like#y’all what if i just fucking go to japan#like#it’s so unhinged like do u speak japanese ? no i fuckign do not but i DO know that u can get languages courses (intensive) for good prices#so i know i could learn japanese#like bro#why not
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turns out going out and doing things is good for you vs staying inside for weeks at a time lol but sadly leaving the house cuts into drawing im trying to make up for it by watching studies and collecting comm refs
#this is the most i’ve gone out in a very long time#and i made some extra money doing favors for my family so i have plenty to get a new pen now and then some#so i treated myself to some books and even read one#i cant remember the last time i finished a book lol#lyriumsings txt#but i also feel guilty cuz i still have two comms left and anytime i spend not doing schoolwork or comms feels bad#even though i know it’s good for me#and realistically i know i did a lot of comms like 11 or so since july last year#and an art trade and gifts in between#and my commissioners are the sweetest bestest mutuals on earth#so they haven’t pressured me#but i feel so guilty when i’m not working ngl#which the anxiety is ofc bad for making good art#and then my brothers birthday is coming up and everyone wants to go to the state fair#im so neurotic it’s painful#this is why being awake at 4am is bad im going to sleep now
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