#im just so tired seeing all the terrible things
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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literally having the worst day ever and i cant ever be happy (has only experienced minor inconveniences today but they keep adding up)
#first of all i didnt get a lot of sleep so im mad tired#second of all the place i usually get lunch on campus said they werent doing bagels at the moment and it ruined me#cuz i was soooo excited to get bagels#third of all i was already cranky so i got all in my feels last night#so i had a dream where my gf who isnt my gf and saw each other on one fo the campuses and she was w her friends#at one point we were both leaving and iw as watcing her and her and her friend knew i was there#so then her friend comes over and shes like '[gf name] loves you so much'#and i was about to cry tears of joy i was like REALLY???#and then her friend started laughing and gestured to my gf who isn't my gf's OTHER friend behind me and she was like 'jk lol she meant#this friend not you el oh el'#and then my gf and her friends were all laughing at me and i burst into tears#and then in full on sobs i was like 'i loved you so much how could you leave me'#and then my gf was just like 'well youre a bad person and you think youre sooooo myseterious and youre a terrible person and i never loved#you' and oh my god it ruined my morning#i know a lot of it was just psychological cuz i was already moody when i went to bed#and i have this werid paranoia where i think her and her friends talk shit about me#which i doubt they do but it still stresses me out#so thats probably why that hapepned#and then on top of all that. fourth of all im getting lunch and i literally see her outside. like i dont see her for days and of course#the day i least want to see her shes right there#i mean im generally doing better than september and i didnt feel the same sinking feeling#i used to in like sept but still like brooooo bro this day could not be worseee#the only good thing that happened was that i passed my physics exam <3#also yeah again i said these are minor inconveniences im just frustrated lol#sunny rambles
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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I alluded to this in tags awhile ago but like. IK continuity doesn’t work this way and when things shifted from kooky and silly 40s stuff with psas scattered to like dark brooding whatever we’re supposed to take it as like either time passing with some hand waving to personalities or ‘it was always like this for them trust’ but thinking about dick specifically going from holy galloping grasshoppers Batman to dealing with Bruce in spyral and shit is so so so sad I can’t articulate it well rn but like everyone kinda agrees the shift happened after two face and jason but like no dick saw it all he saw it while it happened he saw Bruce taking tim to baseball games and then gaslighting him at 16 he saw the man who’d take care of a random baby on the fly threaten to send his youngest son back to the league he saw the man who helped usher in a new era of young heroes treat Steph like shit he saw the man who inspired hope for a future in civilians heroes and enemies alike take advantage of cass’ suicidal thoughts and separation from her own humanity he saw everything and he just has to. Deal. To everyone else this is just Bruce and ppl like Tim and cass justify it to an extent bc they love him and get exasperated and when Dick is angry but how couldn’t Dick be angry? That’s his dad and he’s being so fucking mean and idk I’m rambling
#i promise this is better thought out on the daily Im so so tired rn autocorrect is saving me#and It’s like the lighthearted era of the 40s smacking someone across the face into shit like throwing him into Jason’s memorial#like It’s not even whiplash bc it’s always happened it’s just. aaruhdsjak#and this is why I hate the entire thing where Bruce does nothing and it’s ALL terrible writing like#they had Superman doing corporal punishment bro idk#and not saying that’s good or necessary today I’m just saying unfortunately for Bruce Stans literally everyone is shaped by his behavior#It’s why they’re so fucked to eachother too#like the reason perfect dad bruce who’s only issue is miscommunication is annoying bc u#sets up every following issue tk ve of the same vein#he and Jason DONT have genuine morality clashes that usually end up violent and beLetha#near lethal bc they’re both secure in their own righteousness#It’s ‘they need to talk and Jason needs to call alfie and gl#go to Sunday brunch and Bruce needs to be okay with killing the really really bad ppl :(‘#like no bro sorry they’re not as wishy washy as u 🙄#that’s a joke#Im not saying bruxe should hit his kids I’m just saying when he does it’s not automatically the writer doesn’t know him#they might know him all too well actually#also it’s just the way it’s framed for me sorry I think Conflict is interesting#so bruce growing up (at 60 lmao) and dick just having to deal with it is sooo#like idk IK dc is trying to happy family Damian and Bruce rn but to me Bruce DID get somewhat better but Damian can’t ades#address tough shit without feeling luke he’s dragging it and rlly he should be grateful they’re turning a blind eye tk his mistakes so he#goes along with it#pretend the soulless ‘i hate you bc I’m insecure and secretly think ur my favorite Drake!’ is actually#‘i know the role I need to play in order to keep things smooth and if u#i talk to any of you genuinely I’ll explode and also you’ll hate me and also I think I’ll hate you I think I already do so’#that’s my coping#and thats for me personally like this entire post Is how I personally like to see it#i like happy go lucky batfam in microdoses except WFA y will not be forgiven for what u did to Duke#also for the og post I have a whole thing about how Bruce’s attempt to separate the man and the mask causes him to do crazy shit to his kids#but diff time THATS just how I get my middle between incorrect quotes bruce and dudebro bruce tbh
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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#its like every now and again i am brought down by a terrible loneliness and am forced to remind myself i have in fact more or less#been alone in some sense of the word for more than a few years now theres been such incredible lengths of my lived adulthood where ive#been to deal with everything on my plate entirely by myself for the most part. not to say that i have been like Alone ive kept busy and all#but sometimes i have to remind myself its been years and years since ive had what i would call even some kind of community. and its a#necessary pain to reflect that That is probably why routinely i am completely leveled by some loneliness. this goes of course without sayin#a lot of this is circumstance why i would maybe end up so alone but the reality is im often the only one who gets me im often the only ear#can open up to im often the only one there to catch myself slipping the only one there to take care of myself when im hurting or sick or#tired. and its not that i dont ask for help. something something circumstance where i dont get it from other people#hardly a thing worth stopping myself over but the moments where i have to pick myself up by my own bootstraps for the nth time completely i#the dark by myself its hard not to feel small. looked past. even though im really doing quite okay all things considered. still quite#unfortunately alone and equally isolated and drained of any energy to change this or get out and find community (if i had the space and#the time and the money of course dont forget about the money)#and at the deepest reaches of this feeling i can only see cosmically that this is what im supposed to be doing. to some strange effect that#I Am at least on the right path as tucked away small and hidden and invisible as this may make me feel. bc its never a hard contrast to mak#that if i did have the ability to truly embrace and make a change in that regard would i? would i do it right? could i keep it? where would#that take me? and of course the answer is in this state id just fumble it. and be right back here#when do i get to have that fire in my hands unequivocally where i may finally furiously rid myself of this isolation this loneliness either#forever or long enough to make the change from this lack of connection and community i truly have?
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With the way i keep witnessing horrible things lately I hope i witness my death soon
#i can still hear the screams and i can still see that car and everyday that passes#i keep wondering how all of the people involved in all those incidents are doing#cant even say 'well guess ijust wont go out of the house too much' because the first one i literally heard it all from my bed#i really wish lately i would just shut up already and not talk more than necesary#im done with myself and i hate what a terrible person i am and no matter what i do i never improve#i will just keep seeing horrible things and doing horrible things and being told horrible things#and i will become more horrible each time until no one can ignore what a monster i am#im so tired#haunted.txt
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#tw emetophobia#i think im gonna throw up#i haye her so much its unreal#just reading her name in a text makes me start to panix#her presence is ruining my life. its ruining my relationship. its ruining my eating habits.#its ruining my sleep quality. everything is ruined because of the extreme distress she puts me under#something must be wrong with me mother/something must be wrong#i feel terrible#guilt guilt guilt#its easier to fear never seeing her again than it is to fear seeing her#i feel terrified#shes just going to keep me like this forever#its not fair#i just want my lover#i just want to go home#im so tired of this.#someone hold me love me save me please please please#its starting to show on my facw#everyone can tell that im suffering#i cant sleep i cant eat i cant think shes all i know#im afraid im going to lose the good thing that i have#i miss him so much. where is he????? why isnt he on the other end of the phone????#why is someone else answering my texts????#aughhhh#i just..... i just i just i just#i just need it to be over#from the couch#Spotify
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there's so much shit i want to watch and read and play but i cant because i just have no time anymore. like when i was a teenager id clap a game a week and read for hours and finish entire 10+ season tv shows and now i have to come home and say would i like to eat or talk to my friends or spend time consuming media for 2-3 hours before its time to teleport back to work tomorrow cause i only have the energy for one! i can only do one of them whats it gonna be
#having to go hm would i rather read this book or play a game or watch a show cause i know#i only have time for one of them. ill only ever finish one because my life is nearly half over so its like a constant war of#WHATS MORE IMPORTANT....WHO WINS IF I COMPARE#like its fucking exhausting. as if im not tired enough already#i just miss having enough free time to have hobbies and love things. maybe im just terrible at time management but it really feels like#i just have no fucking free time anymore all i do is work and come home zombifiedly consume 1/10000000th of some show book game w/e#then go to bed and start it all over#like bruh i miss loving things. i miss seeing and playing and hearing new things#i dont even have time to listen to music anymore really. i mean i do but like#really sit down and listen#new kacey musgraves album. new ari album. and ik theres more im forgetting#havent heard more than 1 single. like who i am. thats not my behavior. EVER !! i am possessed by the devil and hes disguised as my job#ok rant over but i miss being a chronically online fangirl fujoshi im going to kill my fucking selr goodnight
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#vent#life is just#me being like: oh shit. im gng through a terrible time but no one wants to talk to me. i thi k everyone hates me.#then i end up approaching my parents who are the only people i see everyday and im like wanna talk?#and the whole conversation beats me down and i walk away from it like: oh. yeah. people really dont want to talk to me. everyone hates me#im even more stuck and idk how to talk to people even more#i swear i want to talk to people. i swear. but all i have with my right now are problems. im not feeling any joy.#idk how to talk to people. im just gonna sound like a sad bitch and annoy and bother everyone#im so tired of living fr and idk how to say that to the people around me#i have the suicide chatline saved bc idk just in case i guess. it felt necessary. i was rly gng through it#i havent.... really brought it up with my therapist#but simultaneously idk how to??? it feels like every time i go there im getting worse. i have other things to say.
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if I can be honest lol I feel like shit and lowkey like everyone hates me because I'm so annoying:/
#i literally havent told anyone except my therapist about exactly why the past few months have been so bad#and i had plans Wednesday with friends i havent seen since November#and i was going to tell them#i finally felt ready to#and they both canceled#and another friend hasnt responded to messages grom earlier#and i know theyre busy but with the cancelation its just making me feel like i suck and i should just never try to be vulnerable ever again#plus Another gc is where some friends were planning out 30th bday trip and onr of the friends#changed the gamr plan to us 4 girls to ... 3 couples and me#and im... actually really hurt? l#that shed think an acceptable alternative to a girls trip (that we havent done since 2016) is 3 girls with their husbands.. and me#and i know things have been terrible for months and the complete burnout and emotional turmoil isnt helping my reaction#but i just feel like all my friends hate me and i have no purpose in their life and they dont wanna see me or care about me at all#i know thats dramatic and juvenile but i am too tired to be emotionally mature#i cant believe i didnt tell anyone for months#and i was finally ready to#and both friends canceled dinner because they double booked even though we made these plans 4 weeks ago#idk i just realized this morning that ive isolated a lot the past few months#and it's almost all because of what's been going in and to have friends bail just when i was resdy to confide in them...#obviously they have no way of knowing this dinner Meant something to me but i vant help the regressive takeaway that i was right and i#should never be vulnerable because my friends don't care#anf i don't deserve (?) to have have that support system#me
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1:07 am thoughts
#i just got in bed after seeing my friends.. usually with them i can manage to not feel this weight on my heart for a bit but tonight was#so bad… i have this terrible feeling in my chest#and i was on the verge of tears all night#for many things but mainly because i feel like im slipping away#the other night i was painting and i just slowly realized that i just dont want to do this anymore. and i mean all of this. everything#and it didnt come out in a moment of crisis or breakdown or anything like that.. i was 100% calm#and these days it is sinking into my chest. i am so tired#my friends were talking about the future and i wanted to cry because i dont want a future and i cant even picture it in my mind#im exhausted i keep thinking how nice it must be. to finally Rest
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i fucking hate myself i have to gget up in 4 hours
#life is sooo great atm#im continually getting excited abt things just to have them taken away#i was excited abt my alevel results being good bc i was consistently predicted a*a*a and then did much worse than that#i was excited abt being able to drive bc i live in the middle of nowhere and then i failed. im so terrible i will actually never pass#i was excited that i kissed a girl who i thought was pretty and who liked me back and then she ghosted me. havent spoken to her in three#months#i was excited abt seeing my home friendss in a nearby city and goibg clubbing and such and then i found out they dont like me and hhate#having to be around me#i was excited abt my best friend coming to see me but he refused to book train tickets until they were too expensive and now hes not comi#im excited abt Christmas. but im home for 5 weeks and i have at most 5 friends that i can occasionally see (but none who will want to hang#out with me more than once a fortnite)#so like. i dont know why i try#why do i even think i could ever be happy#i have consistently fucked up all my friendships for the past 7+ years#i was really fucking depressed and suicidal and managed to help myself out of that but i still havent managed to find anything other than#very fleeting happiness.#im so tired of this. i really donnt know how or why to deal wifh this anymore#my original posts#honestly if you have advice feel free to give me some. im so hopeless and i really have no one i can talk to about things
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#christ. so i was selected as the top candidate for the program i interviewed with on Friday#and im very annoyed and very pleased and also annoyed that im pleased#im pleased bc it means that they were impressed with what ive done to this point and they think i communicate well. which is cool#and the project is very very cool and id love to work on it#am annoyed bc this does put pressure on me to accept bc they can only put one student forward so if i dip out then thats it for them#which i find extremely stressful. and everything is just so much more complicated if i go to the uk for a phd#and i dont get the luxury of faffing about and taking a bunch of classes like i could in the us. ugh but it would b so cool to go back to#the uk and i wouldn't have to fucking drive. ugh. this project.#ugh its like my boss said#sometimes the project is more worth it than the school. id have crazy cool opportunities to learn things on this project#but at the cost of taking a lot of classes in the us. but every project is what u make of it#but im so fucking dyslexic thst its hard to learn outside a classroom bc i cant concentrate and i dont have a person talking me thru the#info. so idk idk. hopefully when i visit the other school ill kno how i feel#god but i loved living in the uk. and i could travel so much more freely there bc the trains and all that. im so fucking restricted bc im#so terrified of driving. i dont have good reaction speed and i space out too much and i get intrusive thoughts#sigh... but id be a whole 24hrs of travel away from my family instead of the 10hrs thst i am now#so id probably only get to see them once a year maybe? in contrast to 2 or 3 times#and im just worried something terrible will happen and then ill be like fuck i wasted all my time making myself miserable so far away#idk. im so tired. we had like a mile abd a half hike out to a site one way and we left at 7.30 got back at like 4#it was a long fucking day. and im tried. and i have no filter. and when i talk too much it really annoys me#also! i got confirmation that i fucking suck at recording data. wow im so shocked. its basically designed for me to be terrible at#but its still slightly embarrassing. like srry i fucked up ur data. i cant write words correctly#literally i kept writing my Ls upside down today. why? idk that not how i see them. my brain just cant make Language right lol#whatever. my parents r calling tomorrow and i can info dump at them abt my dyslexia knowledge and my academic knowledge of biblical history#bc instead of listening to anything useful to my job. i choose to listen to lectures on neurology and theology. bc fucking idk#its interesting im relearning my bible lore from a non religious perspective. theology is fucking fascinating. ugh anyway#i shoulf sleep im so fucking tried#unrelated
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It Was Obvious - LN4
Lando Norris x Fewtrell Twin reader
Summary: Lando and Y/N Fewtrell have been seeing each other since just before the season started, what happens when they all go on vacation for summer break and are forced to continue and try to hide their relationship.
TW - NOT EDITED, lowkey mad cheesy, some fluff, talks of slight anxiety, secret relationship
WC 1200+
Y/N POV
"Lando, he's going to kill us if he catches you in here," I whisper to my boyfriend of 6 months, who is currently in my room pulling me in for another kiss.
"I'm willing to fight," Lando whispers again before kissing me again. It was a rushed make out session knowing we didn't have much time making me feel like I was back in year 10 hiding my boyfriend from my parents. But instead of my parents not knowing it's my twin brother who just so happens to be Lando's best friend.
"I love you," I whisper when he pulls away. I see the light blush crawl up his neck before settling on his cheek showing that regardless of how long we have been together we still get the giddy feelings.
"I love you too," he whispers back before slipping out of my room presumably going to his or Max's.
It's not even ten minutes later before another knock rings out through my room making me think Lando is coming back in already..
"Come in," I call out not moving from my bad. When the door opens to reveal Pietra I relax slightly knowing I don't have to worry about my twin coming in and finding out the truth had it been Lando.
"I wanna talk to you," P tells me softly making me sit up and start to feel some anxiety sink in, not knowing what she wants to talk about.
"Im not picking sides in the divorce," I joke softly making her laugh and shake her head.
"I'm not breaking up with your brother," P tells me softly making me laugh cause I knew damn well she wasn't trying to talk to me about that.
"So you and Lando?" She asks with a smirk on her face. I instantly feel all the air in the room leave making it increasingly more difficult to breathe.
"Hey, hey, hey, calm down! I'm not here to get anyone in trouble. I just wanna know more information," P tells me softly when she notices the panic starting to take over my body.
"Please don't tell anyone," I whisper out not knowing how to to trust anyone right now.
"I won't tell anyone. I think it's something you and Lando will need to do on your own time," she tells me with a smile making me relax a little bit more.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks me with a smile. I nod my head with a smile knowing I haven't been able to talk about my relationship with anyone but my mom.
"We started dating in February shortly after Max dragged you and I to that stupid golf thing. We had been talking before that but after Lando got wasted and couldn't take care of himself I went back home with him and pretty much babysat him until he went to sleep. The next morning he woke up and he set up a really cute brunch where he asked me out," I tell her with a smile making her smile with me.
"How did you figure it out?" I ask making her laugh out loud.
"Girl I love you to death but you guys are terrible at sneaking around. We've been here for for two days and everytime I can't find you, Lando just so happens to be missing as well, so I decided to spy on yall. Well kind of, I just so happened to be coming out of the bathroom when he was leaving your room and I truly wouldn't have thought anything of it but I was already suspecting you guys," she tells me making me nod.
"I think Lando and I are gonna make Max to lunch and tell him. I'm tired of lying to him and hiding my relationship," I tell her making her nod and smile.
"I think it's about time 'cause that was almost 7 months ago," she laughs out. I laughed with her happy to know she was happy for me and supported my relationship.
We're nearing the end of our trip and I have decided it was time. Keegan was already making jokes about us being together and thankfully Max was brushing them off as a joke but I'm sure he's going to start realizing the truth.
"Hey Max, I was wondering if you wanted to go to lunch later?" I ask softly not wanting to give too much information and try to pass it off as twin bonding.
"Ya, we could go to that one restaurant you've been begging to since we arrived," Max says with a laugh.
"I saw it on TikTok and it looked amazing," I reply back showing my excitement.
I make sure to text Lando the plan and while I plan to tell Max just us I want Lando nearby incase he wants to talk to both of us.
We're halfway through our meal when I finally drop my fork and clear my throat.
"I have to tell you something," I tell him making him drop his fork and roll his eyes jokingly.
"I knew you didn't just want to hang out with me," he jokes making both of us laugh.
"Ya, um but you have to promise to hear me out before getting upset," I tell him suttering in stress a little making him focus on me completely.
"So, please don't be upset but, landoandiareseeingeachother," I breath out in one breath talking too fast for anyone to understand.
"Try again and breathe this time," Max says trying to stay calm at the situation.
"Lando and I are dating," I tell him refusing to look at him. When I meet his eyes I he is giving me the most disbelief look possible.
"Are you kidding me?" Max asks in pure disbelief making me grow increasingly more nervous.
"I promise he's a good one," I quickly come to defend my partner.
"You thought I didn't know?" Max rephrases his statement making it clear he already knows.
"You knew!" I announce being quite a bit louder than I had hoped.
"I've known since Miami. I mean that confirmed it but I definitely caught on before that," Max tells me slightly stunned that I didn't realize.
"I wanted you to tell me when you were ready. Besides its been funny watching you and Lando try to sneak around all this time," Max tells me laughing slightly.
"So you don't care?" I ask him trying to get clarification. He just shook his head no.
"What about P?" I asked just getting curious to the situation now.
"What about her?" Max asks, clearly confused now.
"She came into my room earlier in the trip and asked me about it," I tell him, giving him some more detail about the conversation.
"Oh, no I didn't tell anyone I knew. Meaning she also caught on to your guy's terrible sneaking," Max laughs before adding, "Hell, even Keegan caught on."
I just laughed at that before sending Lando a quick text to let him know he could come in if he wanted. When he met us at the table Max explained to both of us how he caught on and when he realized we both had feelings for each other, which had been long before we started talking.
"Hey but if you break her heart I will pay Verstappen to take you out," Max tells Lando as we are walking back to the beach house we rented for the week.
That just made Lando laugh before telling him he wouldn't dare hurt me.
It was nice being able to spend the last few days of break not having to hide my relationship.
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