#but im too ugly and selfish and stupid and fat and disgusting

[sensitivegoblin]

:,(

[widevibratobitch]

.

[diary20216969]

why>?

-because i have crippling gender dysphoria and even the thought of doing something so womanly makes me want to puke and then cut my ovaries out with a fork

-because i dont want stretch marks

-cause i dont want my vagina ass and clit ripped apart and then sewed back

-i dont want baby fat

-i dont wanna give life to something that may end up getting borderline personalty, depression, schizophrenia, polycistic ovarian syndrome, anxiety or substance addiction.

-cause life sucks and not putting someone through this current reality is a gesture of kindness

-cause my body is mine and i dont want anything inhabbiting it

-cause i hate commiting to anything

-cause i dont owe it to anyone

-cause breastfeeding disgusts me to the core

-cause i love y skinny body and flat tummy

-cause i love sleeping

-cause i love drugs

-cause i love fucking people

-cause i love having y perfect body worshiped

-cause i love being a sex worker

-cause i love looking young

-cause i already have enough people to provide for

-cause ive done things i’ll never be able to say out loud or forgive myself for,ever

-cause im not a walking vagina or a breathing uterus

-cause im too smart and have too any dreas and goals to accomplish instead on focusing on whiping shit out of an infant’s ass

-cause i wanna beat the shit out of any kid that cries like a stupid fuck

-cause i hate men and if i would get pregnant with a son i’d abort it instantly, lol

-cause i dont wanna go blind, have all my hair fall out

-cause i dont need any more ptsd from childbirth or depression from postpartum

-cause i dont want to spend 9 onths of my life walking on eggshells with my thoughts eotions actions and diet

-cause i love my free time

-cause i haven’t lived yet. cause i want and deserve to.

-cause i want all my money to myself

-cause i flushed the last one down the toiled, not before showing it the middle finger after causing myself an abortion and telling that little piece of shit that i won and to fuck off to hell.

-im selfish and i love it

-cause the world is dangerous and cruel

-cause kids make you weak and are a liability

-cause i just dont wanna deal with a teenager’s bullshit again

-cause i will totally fuck them up for good lol

-cause i already raised a kid while i was a kid and had no childhood or happiness

-cause i unhealthy as fuck

-cause in m family both my mom and dad, brothers and e have chronic ibs

-cause i want my childfree life to be a statement that everyone in my faily is a stupid fucking breeder and they can fuck off

-cause our planet is dying and becoming slowly inhabitable

-cause by 2030 there won’t be enough food to feed everyone

-because the world is already overpopulated and there is not enough food or space to sustain us all

- cause men exist

-cause i not a dumb animal that was born to procreate but i was born to die.

-cause there’s no life after death, and inbetween everything sucks

-cause the whole process is so goddamn disgusting

-cause the lil shits pee in my uterus, swi innit, feed on me, make me anemic, give me the most terrible mood swings i’ve fought my whole life to control

-cause they won’t be special, they will be some gross pathethic human like the rest of us

-cause i would love the ore than i love myself and that would hurt me

-cause they would grow up with a single parent

-cause their only parent would be a sex worker that had videos online with herself fucking her ass or puking for money

-cause i’ve fucked 3 kids

-cause they could be lgbt in a world that does’t accept them

-cause i’d be a emotionally unavailable parent

-cause they iage of being called ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ doesn’t ring any bell in my ind and just makes me cringe

-cause i wanna transition to looking androgynous in a couple of years, one way or another, in order to stop feeling dysphoria

-cause im a recurrent drug addict, smoker, drinker with a sex addiction

-cause i’d happily let the be the same things i am

-cause kids are so stupid and gross and we only find the things they do adorable because we are evolutionarly programmed to find them cute in order to protect them and perpetuate the species

-cause cats are so much fucking better

-cause they would most likely need to work their entire life to make money in order to not die or starve

-cause i like reading books

-cause y brother will absolutely have kids one day and thats enough

- cause my kids would be ugly as i was when i was a kid

-cause id muc rather focus on love, romance and finding the perfect girl

-cause theres so uch about myself id want to explore

-cause theres so much i havent tried yet

-

[bruiseswayne]

so i think im just gonna use this blog to yell and vent every now and then because i don’t really have someone to talk to without consequences and writing a diary or something like that just feels very empty, like i’m talking to myself and i’m not even listening or something?? but this blog is perfect because it’s public but it’s not popular so it doesn’t feel useless but it also doesn’t become stressful

so don’t worry i’m not in extreme distress or whatever, i don’t need anyone to reach out and talk to me, i don’t need advices, i just really, really need to do the written equivalent of climbing up a roof at night and just scream at the top of my lungs hoping i don’t wake anyone up

holy shit they still do read mores i’m so GLAD

i’ve just been feeling really sad lately? those last therapy sessions i’ve mostly been thinking and talking about why i have such a specific list of things i need to do in my life to ensure i die without regrets, or with as little as possible at least

and the more i think about it the more i realize it’s really just about proving myself and others that they were wrong about me?? like most of my life i’ve been told i was ugly, fat, gross, selfish, stupid, etc etc and it looks like nowadays all i’m doing is trying to become the opposite of that so i never get told that again and i can die knowing i wasn’t that in the end

so i’ve been trying to better myself so so much and it’s not all bad obviously!! because now i’m at least a bit more informed, i’m more considerate than i used to be as a teen for example, and all that stuff. so that’s good

but the whole physical aspect of myself, i can’t change it and i fucking hate that i believe 100% that i am unlovable because of it. it’s not even like “weh im fat nobody likes me” it’s “nobody likes me no matter my weight or attitude because i am just an ugly piece of shit” woops???????

thoughout the years it just felt like i was reminded multiple times that i am practically impossible to love or to be with at the very least, that i’m undesirable and unattractive, and fuuuck i believe it so much and it drives m crazy that i can’t change it unless i go through drastic measures like.... idk, plastic surgery or something

and this fucking non-existent love for myself translates into me seeing too much into everything and making it such a bigger deal than it PROBABLY is but also it just feels so TRUE

like hmmmm how come nobody ever flirts with me? ah right, it’s because i am disgusting!!!! uwu i just realize i’ve always been the one who makes the first steps in all of my relationships or attempts at them. could it be because nobody would approach me otherwise?!?! :V

and deep down i know this is probably far fetched and whatever but BOY DOES MY MIND REALLY ENTERTAIN THE IDEA Y’KNOW and obviously, ideally i should love myself and find myself pretty and whatnot but i dunno, at the same time, why would i??? i’m not even my type???

so at the end of the day i end up lying in bed staring at the ceiling feeling this emptiness but also this anger towards the people who brainwashed me into believing i’ll never be loved and desired and all, and it sucks because i feel like all i’d need is some good, goood closure as i prove them wrong or something but i can’t, because so far, dammit it seems like they’re right LMAO

but let’s be real, even if i DID prove them wrong, what the fuck would it do, right? i don’t think these people even remember me? i don’t think they even think something like “wahaha i sure told her! hopefully that scarred her for life wahoooo” they probably don’t remember it because fuck it was any fucking other day for them

which makes me even ANGRIER that it’s affected me this much and they can just go on and have good lives while i am Here, drowning in self pity

idk i hope someday i can finally forget about these events and look at myself and think “not bad” at least

[radic4-l]

31 Reasons

I'm making this post so my voice can be heard. Not for attention, not for compliments, not for an ego boost, but so people can realize what someone can go through. With social media, everything seems so perfect and so fake. Nothing seems genuine anymore. No real connections, no true meanings, just words with an empty meaning. I hate it. I don't like how false everything is, and I want to put out something genuine, something that might bring light to what reality is for some people, like myself. This may stupid to post, some people will say i shouldn't post this, and some will not care and call me an attention seeker. I'm not looking for anything. We all go through shit, so here is something raw, straight from the heart, and something that someone else may be able to relate to. But I wanna share this so people know, this is who I am. This is what I think of daily. "31 Reasons Why I Hate Myself I genuinely hate myself. I'm not sure why, but I think I know why. I think of all the things that are wrong with me and how I can fix them, but I never do anything about it. I think of all these things every day, and I torture myself with my thoughts. 1. I'm annoying to myself as well as other people 2. I'm not as pretty as I'd like to be. Or maybe I am pretty, just not applying myself or doing what I can to make me love myself 3. I weigh too much. I am fat. I am too fat for my height and age. It's a fact. Not an opinion 4. I don't have the right personality. Meaning, I do fit or connect with anyone but a select few of people. I'm too weird for others. Sometimes too serious. I just don't fit in 5. I pretend to be happy when I'm not and it's exhausting 6. I don't care. I don't care about myself 7. I can't keep anything. Whether it's friendships, jobs, relationships, emotions, anything. I always change my mind or somehow fuck something up. Always. 8. I'm inconsistent 9. I overthink way too much about every single detail 10. I'm rude when I shouldn't be 11. I cause my own problems but do nothing to fix them 12. I'm gross. I stopped taking care of myself because I feel like I have no motivation or reason to do anything 13. I'm lazy, in general. I don't do anything and I don't do anything for myself or others. I just eat and sleep and smoke weed. I'm too lazy to fix my own problems. Too lazy to better myself. Just a lazy piece of shit 14. I'm overly critical and judgmental towards others, but no where near as critical and judgmental as I am to myself 15. I tend to hurt and push away the people who are there for me 16. I'm worthless. I haven't amounted to anything, and as of right now I have nothing going for me. What good am I to society? I'm not 17. My stomach is too big and too fatty. My body weight it too much for me sometimes. Even walking can be too much for me. How did I let myself get this big? 18. I have the ugliest toes, and I'm very self conscious about them 19. I always bite my nails because of my anxiety. Sometimes I have an anxiety attack from doing nothing. It just happens. I wish it would stop 20. My thighs are too much. I feel like a walking sack of shit every step I take because I can feel my thighs move like an earthquake every time I take a single step. It's disgusting 21. I have ugly skin. My complexion is horrible, I have bad acne, my skin is blotchy, I have scars and stretch marks every where. It's not pleasing to the eye 22. My hair is ugly because I can't take care of it. Going back to being lazy and not caring enough 23. I never leave bed sometimes. It's like a safe place for me. No one can hurt me and I can't hurt myself 24. I'm too scared of change because I can't let go of my past 25. I can't let go of my past. I think of every wrong thing I've ever done, and I hold it against myself. I'm a horrible person 26. I contradict myself in every situation I'm put in because I always second guess myself 27. I can't trust myself. Period. 28. I'm mean to people who don't deserve it. Sometimes to random strangers. I enjoying pissing people off to avoid being mad at myself 29. I feel like I'm too stupid to have a real career because I can't get through school on my own 30. I don't like leaving the house because I feel like every one is judging me based on how I look and talk. I'm very insecure about myself, and I feel like everyone I come in contact with thinks badly of me 31. I'll never amount to anything in life because I avoid reality at all cost. I refuse to face reality and accept it. I can't handle knowing that my life is shitty and that I'm the reason why I'm in the position I'm in. I blame others and their actions for why I'm so messed up. When in reality, I'm the only person who has control of my life, and that's probably the reason why it's come to this. I don't know why I do this. I wish I didn't I want to change my life, but I don't know how. I, for some reason, expect everyone to do it for me. I expect things to change on their own. "I'll do it when I'm ready" but when I'm ready, I never do. I never do anything to help myself. I've been raised to be an independent person, but I'm desperately dependent on everyone else. I hate myself, and I wish I didn't. I wish I knew how to not hate myself so I can better myself. Sometimes I feel like there is no point in living anymore, but I know I have to so I don't hurt the ones who do actually love me. I'm very selfish in many ways, but I'm very selfless in others. I want to be the best I can be, but I keep letting myself down. I become worse every day. I just want to be better. A better me" I know people will think that I'm just feeling sorry for myself, or maybe that I'm just being a baby about things and I need to grow up. But if you stepped in my shoes and thought the way I do, you will see the on going battle I fight with myself every day. It's not easy to overcome. I somehow wake up every day and put a smile on my face. I somehow manage to look at someone in the eye and say "I'm okay!" But I know I'm not okay. This isn't okay. I'm just self loathing, but Im serious when I say, I don't know what to do and I don't know how to stop. I want to better myself, and I know I can, but for some fucking reason I can't. This is what it's like to be me.

[orchidsoftie]

this past month has been so unkind to me. i feel like my head is going to explode. i’m so frustrated with myself. i feel overly emotional and angry and sad.. i hate everything and everyone. and i overeat. i eat and eat and eat and i can feel my fat rolls when i sit down but whenever i work out nothing seems to change. my legs will look like this forever. it’s so bad. it’s so bad. whenever i see a girl, the first thing i do is compare their legs to mine. my legs are huge. they are so big and muscly. i hate my legs. i hate them! i hate my huge thighs. i hate my muscly butt. i hate my hip dips. i hate my thighs..i hate my thighs so much. i hate my huge muscly calves. i hate them. i hate my swollen ankles. i look so disgusting. i hate my legs. they are so huge. recently i used to be okay with the top half of myself, even as much as i hated my legs. now i hate my top too. i hate my waist. i don’t have a waist anymore. my stomach is full of fat. i have so much fat on my stomach. i can feel it pushing on my jeans. i hate jeans. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my body so much. im being so overdramatic. i hate my body. i wish i could just die for a little bit. i wish i could disappear. i wish i could become an airy wisp. im so disgusting. i can taste the food i ate on my tongue. its disgusting. i never stop eating. i hate eating. my do i eat so much? i eat so much. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my habits. i hate my emotions. i hate being so overdramatic. i hate doing this. im failing everything. i just want to scream. i hate being alone. i hate being with people. i hate looking at people. everyone hates me. everyone HATES ME. with a passion. i can feel it. they all hate me. and they stare at my stomach when i sit down. i can feel the fat rolls on my stomach when i sit down. i hate my stomach. i feel queasy when i look at y body. i hate my legs so much i hate my legs. i have my waist. i hate my wide shoulders. i hate mmy skin. my skin is so disgusting. my ars are covered with red bumps. i will never get rid of them. people will always think im having an allergic reaction. i look like a fucking trash dump. nothing i do wil ever be enough. i will never be prety. my stupid fucking nose. i hate my nose. my cheeks are so fat. i don’t hve a jawline anyomore. i want to decorate my room with plants but i will never take care of them. it takes so much effort to clean my room. the wall of picture sin my room is so fucking ugly. i hate it. its so ugly. i have clothes everywhere. id on’t have anytime to do anything. i dont have time to do my fucking homework but im here typing on my stupid computer AHHHHH i fucking hate myself i hate every fiber of my being and i hate even the imaginary parts of me, the figurative parts of me that you can’t touch. i am a failure of a human being. i will never be enough. i hat everything. i hate teh fact that im going to be majoring in something im not interested in just to get into a good school. i hate everyhtign. i hate it i hate this i hate myself. im so bad at school. i hate everything. i fucing hate everything. i want to just disappear. im not going to kill myself. im too selfish. i hate myself anf love myself at the same time. i am nothing. but most of all, i hate my legs and my stomach. they can fuck off

[obliviondestiny]

I hate myself

Everything about myself is disgusting and awful.

I am 250 pounds. I'm supposed to be 100, but my dumb ass can't stop binge eating. Stupid ass weak mind.

My eyebrows are too saggy. They sink down into my eyes a bit. Ugly bitch.

My arms are covered in old scars. Stupid fucking knife.

My skin is full of stretch marks and acne. Fucking nasty.

I always think that my outward appearance is why I have no friends, but nope guys, Im also a shitty person.

I yell at people and try to push them away. Rotten bitch.

I project my issues onto others and expect them to help me. Selfish cunt.

I get jealous and don't like sharing friends and not being their favourite. Entitled fucker.

No matter what I fucking do, there will still he something that makes me hate myself. I'm a shitty human being.

If I lose weight, maybe someone will notice me. I won't be the worthless, fat, autistic sack of shit that people think of me as. I'll be thin and beautiful and all the shallow beautiful people will come drag me into their clique and I will feel purposeful. Stop fucking eating

[scribbledoll]

some personal meanspo 

um trigger warning...i guess...

there are some beautiful fat people in this world. beautiful inside and out. they are wonderful inside and out. healthy at every size. but not me.  im fat and ugly. the fat collecting in awkward places. im not beautifully fat. im not proud of it or happy with it. i shouldn’t be. my fat is poison. it makes me uglier than i already am. i have to lose weight to be anywhere close to being as pretty as those beautiful fat people. fat=/=ugly except for me. because its me. i am the problem.  im a bad person. inside and out. im ugly. im a stupid piece of shit. im an oversensitive fat white american. the absolute worst type of person on the planet. im vile. horrible, selfish disgusting.... i am everything wrong with the world. want proof? youre not allowed to say “not all white people are bad” because thats a lie. i am bad. and no one is allowed to deny it. if all of us died, the world would be literally saved. i am a fat american, the worst type of person. the reason why everyone else is suffering. fat. stupid. ugly. horrible. im so fucking fat and disgusting. a failure of a daughter. my mom deserves better than me. she deserves a fit and healthy and strong daughter who can lift things and be healthy and good and smart and pretty and everything a little girl should be to her mom. i should be thin. i wont be a big fat liar. i will be thin. good. good. good. good.  im so fucking ugly. no wonder no one likes me. my butt is so big. embarrassingly big. im white so not only that, but its cultural appropriation, i think is the right term?  its bad for me to have a big butt. i need to get it smaller. so small. small and acceptable for someone like me. small and not racist. i need to not have my butt stick out so badly.  i need small breasts. flat chest. no boobs. adrogynous. so i can look like the child i feel like. i can look more like the child i mentally am. i can be the cute, fairy-like androgynous little kid i feel like i am inside. i can be light, small, and dainty. my feet wont leave marks in the snow or sand. 

but no. im fat and ugly. the fattest one at work. 150 pounds of disgusting revolting horrible piece of shit. im short. i should not be this fat. i need to lose 50 pounds yesterday. years ago. but im fat, lazy and i eat too much.

im not eating anything until i sleep. i will go to sleep hungry, and i will wake up hungry. we’ll see what happens then. 

but i need to lose weight. 

for years ive been struggling with self hate ... some of it over how fat i am.

i ignored it. i fought it. 

i hid behind body positivity. 

but found nothing

body positivity is not for me. because i am not beautiful at every size. 

i am so happy for those who are fat and love themselves. i hope others who are fat find love for themselves too. because they are Different from me. they are Good and deserve Love no matter what. they deserve to be happy. they are good people.

im not. 

you. you reading this. 

you are beautiful. 

you are Good.

you are enough. 

any look, any trait you have ... is automatically beautiful. because you are good.

your worth shines bright and its all i can see. you’re Good. 

please dont hurt yourself. 

please take care of yourself. 

you are worth it. so worth it.

yes, You. 

[yes-buzzfeed-said-i-m-funny]

I still ache. In my mind, im in a dark room, with little light, my knees to my chest, and me crying. All this because you don't love me and I don't want to force your feelings but I don't think you realise how hard it is to get to both my mind and heart. You're the first boy to do that. Not even my father could compare to what you did to me. You unlocked my heart, showed me love was real and that it's a mad, mad illness. I want to thank you but I can't even read your name without sorrow and shock. But it's okay. I'm fine now. I just needed a tumblr rant. I'll write again on here tomorrow. It's okay. I'm okay. I can assure you that. I won't let you dare hurt me again. I know you will. But I've changed the locks to my heart. Or is that a lie? Maybe I'm lying to myself. Maybe I'm lying to you. I had the balls to ask you on a date, but It'd be another three years before I'll have the balls to tell you how I really feel. I love you, Mr L. And I'm so embarassed to be writing this, but who else can I open my heart to? I'm not a pussy. I didn't raise myself to be weak. I raised myself to be strong. I knew you were hurt when I rejected you. I was 14, you were 16, I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I was scared you wanted my body. I was scared of falling in love. I was scared of becoming a housewife. It wasn't until I had a dream about you, four months later, that I realised, "Holy shit, I'm an idiot". But it was too late. You didn't care about me. You were trying to move on. And that's okay. I deserved that. But that made me mad. It became a game, of blocking, friending, unfriending, you ignoring my messages...me not resisting to reply to your every single one. Cat and dog, month by month, I bit my toungue. I formed a crush on you. Irony, innit? It was another few months after that that I realised: I loved you. I didn't know why. I was hating myself and my oestrogen for making me fall for you. I can assure you though, it's definitely because of your egotistical personality. I know this because I was attracted to my last boyfriend after arguing about my vegetarianism. It didn't work out so well. I always felt guilty though, because I didn't love him. I loved you. I just wanted to let you know that my turn-on is now being treated badly. I wonder why. I got to admit partially the reason I rejected you, was because I didn't like your looks. How selfish, arrogant was I? Now I feel sick if I look at anybody else. And your profile picture just gives me shivers and sparks. I sound super creepy, my apologies. I forgot love was the disease of the mad. Also, speaking of apologies: I'm sorry at my poor attempt at flirting, or conversations. I was so scared of saying the wrong thing, and I wanted you to be attracted to me again. Disgusting, right? Gotta admit, that joke about cats and pussies, was so super bad and so super cringe, like ughhhh. Don't ever want to mention that again. When one of the girls from the neighbourhood's cousin stayed over, talking about Tinder, she mentioned your name. I found out you lost your virginity, and I was in shock. "Somebody else fell for your devilish arrogant smile" and I was cool. I didn't really care. I was shaking for a good minute, but I think it's great you're having fun, enjoying your teenage years. I don't care who you sleep with. Because I'm keeping my virginity for somebody who I love. Not you of course. You don't love me back. And I know I'll be a virgin forever, because I don't want to fall in love ever again. I date, sure, but it's more of something to do. Something to keep me from thinking of you, and feeling lonely. It still happens though. Mr L, how could you do this to me? After all the long conversations we had. Now, whenever I try to have a decent conversation with you, you either don't reply, ignore me, answer in short, don't care, or tell me I'm stupid. Hah, more like stupidly in love with you. I try so hard to impress you. I'd say "well, im done with that now", but I know I could never keep up to that sentence. I could write all night. But I'm not sure how much my broken heart would last. I'm not a pussy. I raised myself to be strong. Mr L, I'm in love with you. I'm not sure if it's past or present tense, btu I am. I wish you'd give me another chance sometime in the future. Without calling me stupid or thinking I'm stupid. And second considering that because I'm in love with you, I'm going to make mistakes. I'm going to be clumsy. I'm going to be stupid. And it's your fault. And mine.  I'm slightly chubby. Okay, I'm fat. I don't eat that much anymore though. I did overeat to deal with stress. I couldn't tell you how much has been going on, for like, my entire life. I don't want to tell you though. I don't want pity. I don't want you to look down on me. Plus, I found out from a mutual (well, I can't exactly call friend, even though she's my friend), that you've had unimaginable pain. I couldn't even imagine. So, I guess we're equally fucked up. Isn't that fun?  Maybe I should just shh, and end this letter with a conclusion. But at the same time, I'm not going to shut up because you tell me to, or because you call me stupid (which, in itself is a burn to you because I think you forget, we have the same IQ of 115), or because you doubt my intelligence, or because I've embarassed myself with trying to impress you once agian. I'm not going to be quiet. Because, when I get the balls, I will shout to Hobart, I love you. As stupid as that is. Somebody needs to hear it.  Watch out for me in future years, though. I'm going to be a bomb that everybody thought was dead for a decade. Watch me. I will fuck your heart up as much as you did mine. Or at least I'll fuck up your brain. Attraction isn't everything, though, you say arrogantly even though you know yourself that it makes 50% of the relationship. Gotta admit, I'm similar though. I want conversation, intelligence, love. Not just looks. Y'know, I'll let you in on something. I've always had this thing, where one day I'll exercise, eat healthy, dress nice, and everything, and be a famous burlesque dancer. Reason? Because that's kinda my "female empowerment thing" plus, I've always loved dancing. I always wanted to show my peers from school how great I could be, and that they shouldn't doubt me. But now I couldn't give a shit. All I want to do is show you that I'm not just fat. I'm not just ugly. I'm not just stupid. I am beautiful. I am rockin'. I am sexy when I want to be. So, fuck you.  I'm sorry If I don't know how to respond to you sometimes, but tbh you're an asshole.  But, I love you, Mr L. I really do.  I just wished you hadn't thrown me away.

My own love story, a letter to the boy I fell in love at 14. Mr L. Or is it Lord Mr L now?