orchidsoftie - Tumblr blog

[orchidsoftie]

i feel like im in sensory overload but my thoughts are all the senses

[orchidsoftie]

small, tiny droplets of happiness are all that keep me going. but i feel like they are too small

[orchidsoftie]

i feel tired of my existence. not like a “i need a break tired”, but like “even if i had a break i would never regain my energy” tired

[orchidsoftie]

why does ruining my future feel like i’m rebelling not against myself, but my mother?

if i’m lazy and slack off studying and such, i feel like i’m not being ~irresponsible~ for myself, but instead going against my mother’s words, which gives me a sense of relief and enjoyment. which is like, not good, but i genunely cannot help it. in my life, i genuinely can’t think of anyone i resent more than my mother. resentment is the most accurate form of description for her. when i take care of myself, like work out, or do homework, or eat healthier, i have this awful stomach feeling just telling myself that i’m doing it for her. which is so exhausting and mind melting. i’m not doing it for her. i’m not, i’m not, i’m NOT!!!! god, even when i’m motivated to do something myself i can hear her voice in my head. when she tells me good job when i do something good, it feels worse. why? why? why must i act this way? it’s times like this i wish i could disappear. i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to do anything at all. i hate it. i hate doing things for people. i hate doing things for my mom. i feel like...i barely do anything truly for myself anymore??/?? which is obviously not true, but like, i don’t know.... when i do my homework, it’s not for me. it’s for my mom. everything i’m supposed to do is solely for the benefit of my appeal on a college application, therefore for my academic future, therefore for my mom. is my life even my life? i don’t think it is. you hear, “everybody wants to be the best”, right? it’s not true. i don’t want to be the best. i don’t want to be the best. i’ve tried so hard to make myself like the idea of being a doctor, an engineer, a ceo. a rich and successful woman who is powerful and can travel anywhere she wants. but...is that really who i am? i don’t think so. i don’t have that much ambition in me. why is that SOOO awful? why is that such a bad thing? why is it bad that i don’t want my name to be honored? why is it bad i don’t want to be filthy rich? why is it bad that i don’t want to be the “best”? i’m fucking tired of competing. i hate it. everything is a fucking competition. i feel like a puppet. i feel like i’m choking. i don’t feel an ounce of genuine in myself anymore. who even am i? under everything. under my grades. my classes. the ideas that have been drilled into my head from my parents. there must be something there. but i don’t think there is. i just want to live alone. in the woods. i wish i could live in a cottage in the woods. i don’t care about anything or anyone. there’s no “i couldn’t live without you” in my body. i could live without everybody. i could spend the entirety of my life alone. and i probably wouldn’t feel that lonely.

[orchidsoftie]

my depressive episode is over ladies

im okay haha

[orchidsoftie]

i genuinely hate every part of me

[orchidsoftie]

why tf is my immune system weak asf

i want to be able to beef burf it up like the girls do but no0o0øøoOoO)oo0OooO i just HAVE to LACK a GAG REFLEX #fuckyou

[orchidsoftie]

this past month has been so unkind to me. i feel like my head is going to explode. i’m so frustrated with myself. i feel overly emotional and angry and sad.. i hate everything and everyone. and i overeat. i eat and eat and eat and i can feel my fat rolls when i sit down but whenever i work out nothing seems to change. my legs will look like this forever. it’s so bad. it’s so bad. whenever i see a girl, the first thing i do is compare their legs to mine. my legs are huge. they are so big and muscly. i hate my legs. i hate them! i hate my huge thighs. i hate my muscly butt. i hate my hip dips. i hate my thighs..i hate my thighs so much. i hate my huge muscly calves. i hate them. i hate my swollen ankles. i look so disgusting. i hate my legs. they are so huge. recently i used to be okay with the top half of myself, even as much as i hated my legs. now i hate my top too. i hate my waist. i don’t have a waist anymore. my stomach is full of fat. i have so much fat on my stomach. i can feel it pushing on my jeans. i hate jeans. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my body so much. im being so overdramatic. i hate my body. i wish i could just die for a little bit. i wish i could disappear. i wish i could become an airy wisp. im so disgusting. i can taste the food i ate on my tongue. its disgusting. i never stop eating. i hate eating. my do i eat so much? i eat so much. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my habits. i hate my emotions. i hate being so overdramatic. i hate doing this. im failing everything. i just want to scream. i hate being alone. i hate being with people. i hate looking at people. everyone hates me. everyone HATES ME. with a passion. i can feel it. they all hate me. and they stare at my stomach when i sit down. i can feel the fat rolls on my stomach when i sit down. i hate my stomach. i feel queasy when i look at y body. i hate my legs so much i hate my legs. i have my waist. i hate my wide shoulders. i hate mmy skin. my skin is so disgusting. my ars are covered with red bumps. i will never get rid of them. people will always think im having an allergic reaction. i look like a fucking trash dump. nothing i do wil ever be enough. i will never be prety. my stupid fucking nose. i hate my nose. my cheeks are so fat. i don’t hve a jawline anyomore. i want to decorate my room with plants but i will never take care of them. it takes so much effort to clean my room. the wall of picture sin my room is so fucking ugly. i hate it. its so ugly. i have clothes everywhere. id on’t have anytime to do anything. i dont have time to do my fucking homework but im here typing on my stupid computer AHHHHH i fucking hate myself i hate every fiber of my being and i hate even the imaginary parts of me, the figurative parts of me that you can’t touch. i am a failure of a human being. i will never be enough. i hat everything. i hate teh fact that im going to be majoring in something im not interested in just to get into a good school. i hate everyhtign. i hate it i hate this i hate myself. im so bad at school. i hate everything. i fucing hate everything. i want to just disappear. im not going to kill myself. im too selfish. i hate myself anf love myself at the same time. i am nothing. but most of all, i hate my legs and my stomach. they can fuck off

[orchidsoftie]

[orchidsoftie]

Princess Mononoke, background art

[orchidsoftie]

[orchidsoftie]

hey. don’t worry about why josh is eating less than you today. josh isn’t recovering from a restrictive eating disorder and making up for a deficit of thousands upon thousands of calories. also i’m pretty sure i saw him eat a kit kat off the gym floor last week so i wouldn’t look to him for dietary comparison anyway

[orchidsoftie]

Tyler Glenn Wishes He’d Known This Before He Came Out

Tyler Glenn is a queer musician who plays in the band Neon Trees. He spoke alongside actress Lena Waithe, YouTube star Gigi Gorgeous, and poet Alok about what he wishes he’d known before he came out. And when it comes to self forgiveness, they all say one inspiring thing.

[orchidsoftie]

I am actually obsessed with the perception I have of my own self and I need to check myself in the mirror or in a window every time I get the chance because I am scared that my face looks weird, some people mistake it for vanity which is not but no one actually thinks that my face looks weird and no one even notices all the flaws I claim to have and no one thinks my eyes are two different sizes even though I am losing my mind because I think so: an autobiography.

[orchidsoftie]

I’m doing good. Way better than ever, really. But there’s this buzz at the back of my brain that never really shuts up, day and night. I started to face it more directly last year but it’s not easy. The last two days were bad.

I’ve drawn about all hard topics that hurt me, so I decided to tackle this one as well. One might ask the purpose of showing things like these to thousands of people but I find it cathartic in a way, to take it out of my brain for just a little while and quite literally put it into another physical place. I also think it’s important to speak about the things that make us afraid and sad. Whatever way that may be. So, thanks for listening.

[Okay to reblog~!]

[orchidsoftie]

[orchidsoftie]