#im just screaming my hurt into the void
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reader who, when revealed that megumi used to beat up delinquents, couldnt help but be surprised. "megumi? my megumi? sweet, kind, quiet megumi?" and ends up saying that out loud and getting teased so hard by nobara and yuuji they missed how hard megumi was blushing at that comment.
#in my head they were still in the pining for each other fase#reader thought sure megumi is quiet and all but hes so sweet to me im surprised he would hurt anyone#megumi would be worried reader thought of him differently but it was just a surprise is all#he will always be sweet kind megumi to them in the end#their megumi.#pls someone write this i BEG#screaming at the void with j.#megumi x reader#megumi fushiguro x reader#jjk x reader
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"the intent, throbbing pain at his head and face and down his side–failsafe's side– pulls him back from the calculations. panic. whatever. he frowns a miniscule amount at failsafe, who blinks assent and nods with a barely-there motion of his head." okay. bathing in acid jokerstyle right now
#FAILSAFE IS JUST LETTING HIM. THEY HAVE NO CHOICE#IM GONNA RIP UP THE FLOORBOARDS WITH MY TEETH#hey ros. hey. ur hurting me. ur hurting me bad#this is targeted im gonna cry and scream and wail and thropw up#whiskey yelling into the void
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Right as im fucking thinking of coming out to my parents they start going on about their shitty right wing politics i sweart to god im going to blow up the pentagon
#idk man im just rambling#im just screaming into the void honestly#providing ail to the needed??? well its too fucking expensive so obviously you shouldnt do it AM I RIGHT??#“we shouldnt let foreigners into our country!!!” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING. ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF#im going to kill the president i swear to god#in less than a month i could get surgery + start hrt without my parents even knowing but im too much of a pussy to do it#and i mean that btw. like you literally can do it for free without your parents consent#if my mom isnt even willing to stop being xenophobic when it comes to bolivians I doubt that she would accept me for who i am#theyre in that very comfortable stance where theyre like “theyre allowed to say what they think!!!! they arent hurting anyone!!” to bigotry#and my father doesnt even want me cutting my hair short so i doubt him even more#well i already hide 90% of my life to them. so whats new
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I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!
#this isnt' meant to be a deep post im just screaming into the void#im back in the city and there is just this deep sense of dread and I wish I could call my friends and talk abt it but everyone who would#understand is too busy#I have one fren who I think mite but shes busy#I have one midterm this week and im still scared of my prof even tho ik she means well and I rightfully pissed her off last last week#I want to leave the committee I work for completely#I want to leave this school completely!!#aaaaaaaaaaa#I want to go grad school#I also just look online and I wish I went to a diff school than this one#bc my family does NOT have the money for this school if Id just waited and gone somewhere else I would not be in this much DEBT#ik i was in a tough situation a few yrs ago and HAD to just pick a school + get out#but still#I think just. if my life events hadn't been so shit and bad#if I hadn't been in such a Bad place during and after the pandemic id be at a diff school#one that didn't make me feel so BAD and one that didn't put me in so much debt#some of why im pissed off and anxious is lit my fault#I burned some bridges and hurt ppl and pissed them off!!#but yn when u make a mistake and everyone around u will def define u by it#bc me rn#I just need to leave and not come back#or if I do not come back for a long time#I wish I could pack my shit and do the rest of the sem online#the only thing I'd miss is choir bc I love it#all of my friends (most of) are in choirrrr#its the way choir is the only thing that makes me feel good I hATE everything else
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dont want to keep bothering everyone but i need to vent or iwill do something drastic
#somuch has happened this week that ifeel like i canf even talk abt becausewtf r ppl supposd to say to me in response to it god i just want#a normal fucking life a normalfamily that isnt so fucked rhat any type of event doesnt end in someone in tears or covered. in blood#itstriggered my ed again andim getting bad i feel like. i want to disappear aga in and just cut everyone off so icant bother them anymore#i hate living lklethis it hurts so fucking bad like i feel it thru my entire body#im grasping for any sense ofcontrol and autonomy ans all mybrain can thinn of is throwing eveeyone away#iwish it wasnt tempting i wish i could just sleep andbe fine but no i woke up stillfeeling like this#yesterdaywas so fucking hard#ifeel alone but its my own fault#my brai n telling me not a single oerson wants me around and thatim better off alone again 🚶#anyways s bye again ijust havw to scream to the void so i dont explde
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im bitter im very very bitter but j think today i will allow myself feel like this instead of pretending i dont. we can stop repressing everything for a bit. as a treat.
#neg post im sorry i only come back to scream into the tumblr void#im just. so. bitter#alone and pathetic#and i spent the whole drive home chanting not to kill myself bexause i didnt want to go home and continue bejng alone like i am every other#miserable day of the year but especially today.#but alas#i wish people would actually want to do things with ME. instead of it constantly being the other way around and then either getting#cancelled on or forgotten about or just flat out denied#i try not to let myself think about this stuff because it really really hurts and makes me feel very negative things but#todays my birthday and its ALWAYS a bad day and its been especially horrible this year so im allowing myself this one little thing
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beaver gnawing on wood noises
#purrs#delete later#this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or#idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who#like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different.#and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the#knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know#there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find#magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o#one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me#the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all#these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live#with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it.#and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other.#and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so#hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they#are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who#im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all#appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a#symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will#never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want#love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3#like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling#and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and#bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.
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"if you want more work then promote the group" im so fucking mad!! on this, the day of lesbians!! you asshole you haven't even paid for the work i've completed yet im down 1.5k and my bills need paying and i'm stressed to High Hell
#screaming into the void#i wanna run i wanna Die like that is the end all be all to it i just wanna roll over and be dead#ive been promising people Money and christ it hurts not having what i was promised#''im short right now'' THEN PAY ME UPFRONT BEFORE YOU ASK ME TO DO SHIT FOR YOU!! I BROUGHT UP THIS POINT#YOU'RE SPENDING /MY/ MONEY WHY WOULD I DO MORE WORK FOR YOU#PROMOTIONAL WORK IS STILL WORK#THATS YOUR JOB THATS THE CUT I GIVE YOU
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happy points cuz im feeling like shit
made french toast this morning
im making a workout plan, v excited for gym
my cat is cute
#mine#happy points#screaming into the void time#🤡🤡🤡#im a clown#i mean i know neither of us are ready for anything#but the flirting was a joke#yikes#im still figuring out how to navigate the whole friendship#like see we sorta confessed our undying platonic love to each other#which is cute#but im a clown#its just a tiny part of the amount i care for them obvi#and thr lines between the real best friends trope the soulmate trope and literal lovers are nearly nonexistent in my head#so for my sanity and their comfort i have to take some distance#except. thats not very easy#i can do it thats not the issue#but they will get hurt#but also im hurt lmao#i did downplay it ngl i obviously didnt tell them im in literal love with them#partly for their comfort partly because i- how do you even say that to someone#that would be a great conversation like hey i would fucking die for you out of love#like hey i think about your hands and voice and mouth every night before i sleep because i love you#ha ha 🤡🤡🤡#nope#its overwhelming#i dont know how to navigate it#im not gonna flirt anymore obviously cuz it was like. it was way more real to me than it should have#but its funny in the most tragic way - THEY THOUGHT I WAS JUST BEING NICE??? BRO??? I TOLD YOU YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HUMAN#just kill me please i didnt ask for feelings
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i’m venting in the tags ignore this
#yelling into the void#most of this will probably be triggering so don’t read it#i really need to fucking scream or just have the biggest panic attack of my life to get this stupid feeling out of my chest#i need a coping skill that doesn’t involve smoking or starving myself or hurting myself in some way#all i want to do is starve myself but im forcing myself to eat and im proud of myself for it but i also hate myself for it#i hate everything right now#i want to be a different person so badly#someone that people don’t move on from so quickly#there is probably so many typos and this might not make any sense but oh well
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Why won't she reply?! I sent her a msg and everything :(
#This is about a math teacher#Ok look the worst that could happen is another nervous breakdown which is FINE okay I haven't had one this year yet anyway.#And like... having to take a 9th semester is whatever.#I mean I don't have my shit together anyway so another like 4 months in college won't hurt. Okay? Okay.#(sorry i just wanted to scream that into the void)#(contrary to what i was told i do not infact feel better)#What's it gonna be this year? Binge eating till im sick or not eating till im sick? Choices choices choices
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why do you think you're blacklisted?? your writing is frcking INCREDIBLE 🥺🥺🥺 pls pls don't give up!!!
i just know the difference between regular lack of interaction and purposeful exclusion and i fall into the later. i have a suspicion as to why but im not considered a friend so it doesn't really matter shat i feel about it. i guess it just upsets me personally when its my biggest passion that no one cares to say a word about
#the fics im super proud of and excited to write about or more of#are the ones that i have gotten almost to no zero feedback about#and its hard for me to find any writer on my dash who doesn't have some kind of regular support from other writers#but im honestly screaming into a void#i was so psyched to be writing again but the more i write lately#the less people say anything about them#and the less interaction i get and im just sitting here with no friends on this site anymore#wondering if my writing is worthless because everyone else is better and my work had zero redeeming qualities to comment on#theres an intention behind the scenes that ive felt before from this same part of rhw fandom#and im hurting a lot lately about it#like my old writing is cute#but only getting comments on those and not the current ones im proud of#it stings and i feel like im just a bad writer thats just taking up space in this fandom#id leave and literally no one would notice#i have no place here despite how hard I've tried#but interacting with my work is a curse#i wrote 500 words of joel todat#and im ready to delete it#no one cares#everyone else is better and thats what they care about
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#ughhhh sorry 3am angstposting incoming#notes from the crypt#i just got back from teo weeks of visiting my parents and extended family#sometimes i wonder if it would be kinder if they just disowned me and were done with it#they arent even subtle about how little they care about me and my wellbeing and safety#every time i delude myself into thinking things can be repaired they twist the knife a little deeper#im just so tired#i try so hard#i give so much of myself and work so hard to be optimistic and kind to everyone and get back apathy or worse#i just don't know how much longer i can do this#my heart hurts so bad it feels like all my veins turned to glass and then shattered#i just dont know what to do#i dont know how to build a found family or neighborhood support system from scratch#im so tired of just surviving#is it really so impossible to find someone to cherish who will cherish you back?#maybe my dad is right and im just unloveable#i want to go home but ive bever really had one#and im honestly losing hope that i ever will#ill end up like ellenor rigby#or one of those people you hear about where no one realizes they are dead for months until they get evicted for not paying rent#or until their corpse starts leaking through the ceiling of their downstair neighbors apartment#i just wish someone out there cared#sorry for being dramatic ill be fine in a few days probably#and im not going to do anything drastic- i have my cats to think about#i just need to scream into a void and write these thoughts before they eat me alive#anyway im going to sleep#hopefully in the morning ill feel less like a moldy shoe left to rot on the side of the highway
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i don't know the last time anyone said something nice to me without me asking for it first
#just thinking#i've been begging everyone in my life to care about me for so long that i'm not sure anyone genuinely does#every time anyone has told me they loved me or cared about me has been because i say it first#this should probably stay in the drafts but what does it matter#i dont think it was always list this but maybe it has been#i dont know how to trust if any of it is genuine when im asking for it#this is why i dont think anyone would miss me if i was gone#chest hurts and i cant breathe#maybe i wont wake up tomorrow#make it easier for me and everyone else#even when im at my worst no one wants to help or try to make me feel better#another reason to go back to suffering in silence#maybe im unlovable and i always will be#screaming into the void <3#still thinking about this and should delete it#oh well#the bad thoughts persist into the morning so they are true thoughts#the cliff is looking real nice over the edge#i say i wont beg but im reaching that point
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It just hurts when you have to beg and plead with your mother to get you food or medicine but then your at her every beck and call for whatever the hell she wants. Not to mention going downstairs and find her happily only cooking for her and her son that's 8 years older than me and is my full sibling. And she completely just forgets about you even though you've been sick for WEEKS and clearly struggling to eat without throwing up everything let alone get up.
Then she starts screaming at you about your room being a mess and yelling at you for some bullshit. Not to mention your brother's fucking useless and can't even get off his ass to let the dog in and out and won't help clean him up when he lets him inside covered in mud.
It just hurts so much, I know this isn't a diary or that I shouldn't air out things like this so much but I have nothing else.
I'm so tired of all of this.
#random breakdown#vent post#screaming into the void#it just hurts so much#am i just stupid#why am I even letting these people into my heart anymore after everything#random#god ignore me please#im so tired#please tell i’m not the only one#please save me from this hell
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I'm over here fighting with an ice pack to get it on my left shoulder in a helpful way and my right shoulder keeps clicking ominously I'm going to cry
#screaming into the void#im fine#just realzing ive been at a 4 on the regular pain scale all day and didnt ever thinking to do anything about it#because of my warped sense of pain#im gonna start crying#my entire shoulder girdle hurts
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