#in less than a month i could get surgery + start hrt without my parents even knowing but im too much of a pussy to do it

[v1rtualtrash]

Right as im fucking thinking of coming out to my parents they start going on about their shitty right wing politics i sweart to god im going to blow up the pentagon

[trans-i-am]

Interview with Jake -

Interview with a trans man who had taken hormone blockers

Warning: There may be anatomical terms used that some readers may be uncomfortable with. I did not edit any answers I received.

There is often a lot of discussion surrounding hormone blockers and what they do for those who take them. They are controversial, but often debates about them lack personal accounts and firsthand experiences. We can research and analyze information online to form our opinions, but we can often learn more from a conversation with someone who has taken them. I recently had the opportunity to speak with an individual about their experience with taking blockers before beginning Testosterone. His name is Jake. I wanted to get a look into the firsthand experience he had being on blockers and how he was affected by them.

Q: When did you realize you were trans?

Jake: I realized I was trans in middle school. I came out to as many people as possible almost as soon as I realized. I wanted to start making changes to my identity asap haha.

Q: How did your parents respond?

Jake: My parents were wonderfully accepting. They have supported me through everything and have always raised me with an accepting love. I'm very grateful for it.

Q: When and why did you make the decision to take blockers?

Jake: I learned about hrt in the early stages of my transition, but it was against my insurance company's policy (kaiser) until I was 16. They told me the policy was pretty standard everywhere in Colorado. This was in 2010 and things have definitely changed which I'm very glad about. It felt so awful to have to wait that long as a young adolescent.

Q: Was it easy to find a doctor to prescribe them?

Jake: The endocrinologist I visited suggested I take blockers until I was old enough for testosterone. I definitely agreed because he said it would stop my period and breast development and any further puberty advancements. I was already pretty far into puberty at that point. I started my period when I was 11.

Q: What did you take and how often?

Jake: My endocrinologist, who I was referred to through my insurance, prescribed me Lupron. I don't remember the exact numbers but it was a shot in my lower back every month or so. My mom is a nurse and she administered the shot to me every time. It wasn't a very painful shot. The worst part was that it came in a syringe that you had to mix up. And that created some bubbles or something that felt a little strange going into my body haha. It was a very mild pain that went away the next day. Less soreness after than a flu shot. They were great.

Q: Did you feel any differently on them (positive or negative)?

Jake: I don't think there were any side effects. Everything that happened to me seemed like an intended effect. I belive sometimes Dr's prescribe blockers before starting T anyway because it takes a while to get the T built up in your system enough for your body to stop producing estrogen. The blockers make that transition a little smoother Id imagine. They didn't affect my mental health in any negative way.

Q: Would you recommend it to others?

Jake: I would recommend it 🙂.

I had asked if any of my followers if they had any additional questions, here are a few I had received:

“I’m 14 is it too late for puberty blockers? Or should I try to get hormones?”

Jake: Not at all. From my experience, puberty lasts well into your 20s. The rapid development that has the most changes with any hormones coming into your system happens early on. It could possibly affect you later on starting T because you would be going through voice cracks and emotional swings at the beginning of hrt no matter what age you start at. So if you want to keep at a similar pace with peers of your age, you may want to just start T if you can. But who cares about that? There's no one right way to do it, and you should start T at any point in your life that you want. It all smooths out as you age.

“I’ve heard that mtf kids will have problems later getting bottom surgery because they don’t get the size growth. Is that anything like being ftm? Like will I lose length starting blockers or will I get more length? ( if you don’t wanna answer that’s ok!)”

Jake: I don't know much, if anything about bottom surgery. I'd say the blockers didn't affect anything. The T made my clit grow 🙂 it's about an inch now maybe.

“Will people that get hormones always avoid needing top surgery? Or at least only need keyhole?”

Jake: I imagine if you start hormones before any breast develop then I guess so? But blockers don't deteriorate that tissue. It just doesn't grow much. I got top surgery when I was 18 and it wasn't a keyhole procedure. I wore binders for years.

Stigma often surrounds the decision to take hormone blockers as puberty is often viewed as a very vulnerable time in a child’s life where small decisions can have major consequences, but often we fail to remind ourselves and each other that these are still people who are capable of making informed decisions about their lives and these decisions are not made on a whim. Perhaps we can take a step back to remember that there are many circumstances in life and we often create stereotypes about people that can be very counterproductive. Many people have an idea about what it looks like to be a person that takes hormone blockers, what kind of person takes them, and what circumstances lead to a person taking them. We can often find ourselves looking at outliers as a common occurrence. Many assume that hormone blockers are taken the moment that a child enters puberty, that these decisions are made without individualizations for the client, and are made solely by the parents without education of the child in question. The goal of my interview is to remind our community that we are talking about real people and not just theoretical children. They deserve our respect, support, and understanding.

I want to thank Jake for allowing me to interview him about his experience. If you’d like to get ahold of him about his experience, his Twitter is:

https://twitter.com/KittyFeles

[samsaprat]

Smells Like Summer

01.05.18

(first and foremost allow me to apologise for my grumpy face. seemingly the only good photo of my face all month.)

So, it’s been a month since my last proper post (I’ve decided to go monthly now to keep myself from stressing about it.) I’ve finished my first year of Uni and am feeling all sorts of emotions, but I guess I’ll catch you up from the beginning. 

Half term was tough; I came out as trans to my Nan (who was fine, although she did take pitty.) My parents are no closer to getting my pronouns right than they were a year ago, but they're using my name faaairly well now, so there's that. I was also able to have a good conversation with a family friend, who is family, really, about their trans kid and what my plans are and how it’s all going. It’s good there are people around me that are there. Having family support probably makes me one of the luckiest guys tbh.

Coming back, the first few days were almost blissful. The sun was out, it was finally warm, I received a letter stating I have in fact been referred to the gender clinic and my second binder had arrived! It's also just nice to be around people that kind've get it and have only known me as Sam. It seems harsh; my parents do try, but it's massively comforting to be around people that only know me as a guy (albeit a trans guy) but none of them are conditioned to call me by my dead name or old pronouns which makes day-to-day much more comfortable.

However, once the work kicked back up to meet the deadlines, things quite quickly got worse. I found myself in mindsets that I haven’t been in in a looong time and it was worrying. I was being the person I thought I’d managed to bury. I guess moving on isn’t as simple as moving away. Despite that though, my friends are still all here, I handed in my work and have finally been able to have some time to myself.

I planned to do loads already. Go on days out, draw more, try to get the online presence going and hopefully start selling work etc. However, all I’ve actually managed to do is get fat, see Love, Simon twice and lay in bed thinking about boys all day. Classic, Sam.

This is by no means a dig at Love, Simon. That film is beautiful and is honestly so much more than I expected it to be. I so thoroughly expected it to be another half sob-story about a gay white guy in the closet - a story I’ve heard a thousand times before - and although that is kind’ve what it is, the way the creators have dealt with the content is nothing short of superb. It’s funny when it needs to be, it’s difficult when it needs to be and the story actually feels weighted, as it should.

It’s partly this wonder of film-making that’s sparked a recurrence in my head ever since that solely involves a lot of boys and an awful lot of kissing. Not a complaint, but damn that Ferris wheel. Don’t think it’s completely taken away from still being into women.. but jesus, men.

To clarify, as I haven’t technically come out here yet, I’m Pan. When it comes to attraction, I couldn’t care less what someone’s gender is. I have no preference or limitations. For me, if you’re cute and funny then I’m likely to find you attractive, however you identify. 

(side note: you’d think this would get me loads of dates but it, in fact, does not. I’m very single. Help.)

Saying that, I have found that I can go through kind of phases of being attracted largely to one identity. Like, right now, I’m near obsessing over boys. I can’t really stop thinking about boys and having boyfriends and how cool that would be. It doesn’t take away from the fact that in reality I really don’t mind on gender identity for partners but my lil imagination right now is doing gay-man overtime. If it weren’t for there being so many cute guys around, I’d say it was getting problematic.

My mind being filled with so much gay stuff and dreaming about boyfriends has been slightly helpful though. It’s kind’ve solidified my decision to go ahead with bottom surgery. Prior to recent weeks, I was sure I wanted HRT, top surgery but was still kind’ve looking into bottom surgery and deciding whether or not it was what I wanted. After mulling things over thinking about being with a guy, it’s made it pretty clear to me that I don’t think I could be happy in my current position and be with another man. It’s brought up an awful lot of insecurities I have around myself and second-guessing and asking “am I just a straight chick?” which really is not the case. Reality is, I want to fully and completely be a man, penis included. (Apologies for the bluntness but really how else do I explain that?...)

Now it’s just a case of telling my parents. It’s gonna be tough. They’re still telling me to put off trying to get top surgery until I’m in my 30s which is not happening. I know it’s out of worry for me- my Mum’s a class-A worrier and is especially petrified of surgery which is not a brilliant combination. I think it’s about time that I do just straight up tell them. No more umm-ing and ahr-ing which I’ve been doing until now. I just need to tell them that being pre-everything is kind’ve ruining me and when I see my future, I see myself as a man, and for me to full-fill that dream while my body is still young and able and to ensure that as much of my future is as happy as possible, I need to start that process now. With or without them.

-

So, long story short, it’s been a bit of a ride. I got fat, I got stressed, I got deadnamed and misgendered, I spent too much and have developed an unhealthy obsession with men, apple juice and jammie Wagon Wheels (the only acceptable wagon wheel) BUT boys are very cute, checking out boys in the supermarket is now an official favourite passtime, I’m more sure of who I really want to be and where I want to go, the sun’s out, and I can sleep all day with only my mum to tell me off. Oh AND I’m going to the zoo AND the aquarium in the next few weeks. Perfect date. If only there were someone to enjoy them with. Dammit.

Anyway, this is a long update and I’m kind of sick of talking now. Half of you bastards probably aren’t that bothered by the crap in my head anyways. So, I’m done.

This has been samsaprat talking about shit no one really cares about.

See you again next month.

Peace.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Ok I'm sending this in bc I'm genuinely confused and want to be corrected if necessary. Why aren't trans people taught to embrace their body instead of changing it? I've seen posts going around with words like 'its ok to be a trans man and feminine' and I agree because your gender is what it is no matter your outward appearance. why can't trans men be men and be feminine why is 'transition' needed? You can be a man with a vagina and that's okay.. I don't understand why that needs to change

Kii says:

If a man is comfortable with his vagina, then there is no reason that anyone should pressure him to change that, but if someone is uncomfortable with a part of their body and that discomfort is affecting their mental health, then they also have the right to change that.

I digress a little, but I think a topic that often gets left out of the body positivity movement is the right to body modification. So, if someone (cis or trans) has small breasts and they feel insecure and that insecurity is affecting their clothing choices, relationships, etc, then they have every right to get breast implants if they feel that is the best way to remedy that discomfort. They shouldn’t be shamed or told that they should learn to love their small chest because if they are resorting to surgery, because they’ve probably tried. Surgery is expensive and painful, so it’s generally not something people decide on overnight.

Many trans people experience dysphoria about their bodies and have experienced that for awhile before they make the decision to pursue physical transition. It’s impossible to know what’s best for a person unless you are that person, so trans people shouldn’t be discouraged from transitioning if that’s what they want, as long as they’re making informed decisions. 

Lee says:

I think people tend to overlook the fact that a lot of trans people don’t medically transition in every way possible, and there are a lot of trans men who have vaginas and choose not to get lower surgery. In fact, I think the majority of trans men don’t get lower surgery.

There are many reasons why trans people might not to transition:

Medical transitioning can be expensive and time-consuming

They may have health issues or disabilities that make it physically unsafe to medically transition with hormones or surgery

They may feel comfortable with how their bodies are currently and just don’t feel the need to change it

They may not want all the changes that come with starting hormones, or the scarring or potential sensation loss or complications that come with surgery

Some trans people don’t have dysphoria so they don’t feel the need to medically transition

Other trans people do have dysphoria, but try to manage it in other ways than pursuing medical transition wearing masculine/feminine clothing, binding/wearing breast forms, packing/tucking, etc.

They may be genderfluid or have a changing gender expression/presentation and not want to change their bodies in a permanent way

Some non-binary people may feel dysphoric no matter what genitals or hormones they have, so they figure it’s not worth it because none of the options are what they want

Some people may not be able to access medical transitioning due to medical gatekeeping

They may be mentally ill and can’t get a letter in support of them and their mental health (hello ableism) and their local medical teams may not do informed consent

They could be larger and a surgeon refuses to operate on them because they aren’t skinny enough (hello fatphobia)

Some people may not be satisfied with the current surgical options available and feel that they aren’t a good choice for them

Younger trans people may not be able to transition medically without their guardian’s permission and many parents/guardians say no

If someone is financially reliant on a transphobic or abusive relative they may not be able to safely medically transition

They may be able to pass without a medical transition so don’t feel the need to bother with it or they may not care about passing or not want to pass

They may be waiting to medically transition until they’re ready emotionally and when they’re in a stable situation

Some people would rather not go through the whole process of getting surgery and going through the recovery

It can be hard to afford to take time off from work to get surgery or keep up with school while recovering from surgery

Trans people who are comfortable with their bodies because their bodies are their bodies even if most people of their gender have a different body are valid

Relevant links:

Here’s What Trans People Who Aren’t Medically Transitioning Want You To Know- Buzzfeed

Transgender people: 10 common myths

On Choosing Not to Medically Transition: what transition has and has not meant for me

How I’m Transitioning Without Transitioning

Are you still transgender if you don’t want, or are scared, to have surgery or hormone therapy?

Debunking the ‘Surgery Is a Top Priority For Trans People’ Myth

So yes, there are some trans people who do embrace their body instead of changing it, and people who can’t ever quite embrace their body but still choose to stick with it.

But that doesn’t mean that path works for all trans people. There are trans people who just aren’t comfortable in their bodies, and medically transitioning is the path that will make them the happiest in life. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to medically transition, and there’s nothing wrong with getting surgery and hormones.

I’m a trans person who has been under the knife more than once. I’ve been through major surgeries, a double mastectomy to give me a flat chest, and a hysterectomy to remove my uterus and cervix and fallopian tubes. That was about 8 hours of surgery and I’ll be going through a much bigger surgery when I get phalloplasty. In total, I’ll be going through at least 4 transitioning surgeries, maybe more (there are multiple stages of phalloplasty). And surgery has risks, it’s expensive, and it’s disrupted my life. I really wish that I didn’t need this surgery because it would make my life easier, but I do.

Trans people sometimes have to take drastic steps to reduce our dysphoria, but we do it because it’s necessary. I had debilitating depression that I had been hospitalized for despite taking antidepressants and being in months of intensive outpatient. Once I got top surgery, I no longer had to spend hours fighting off dysphoria about my chest and my depression decreased and my mental health improved.

Maybe I could live with this body I was born with- but I shouldn’t have to. If I could be happier after surgery, then getting surgery is the right choice for me.

And multiple mental health professionals have agreed with me on this- I’ve actually needed to get multiple official letters from licenced medical professionals according to the WPATH guidelines saying they think surgery is the right choice for me before I could get surgery.

Some statistics:

Suicide rates dropped from 29.3 percent to 5.1 percent when there was access to transition-related treatment. (De Cuypere, et al., 2006)

A meta-analysis of transgender people who transitioned medically demonstrated that the average reduction in suicidality went from 30% pre-treatment to 8% post-treatment, and that 78 percent of transgender people had improved psychological functioning after treatment. (Murad, et al., 2010)

86% of patients who accessed transition were assessed by clinicians at follow-up as stable or improved in global functioning. (Johansson, et al., 2010)

In a cross-sectional study of 141 transgender patients who accessed medical transition, suicide fell from 19 percent to zero percent in transgender men and from 24 percent to 6 percent in transgender women. (Kuiper, Cohen-Kettenis, 1988)

“Although more evidence would be welcome, adequately treated gender dysphoria is likely to be safer than the untreated condition, which is associated with an enhanced risk of depression and suicide. Reassuringly, few transsexuals regret undergoing treatment.” (Levy, et al., 2003)

“Second to social support, persons who endorsed having had some form of gender affirmative surgery were significantly more likely to present with lower symptoms of depression.” (Boza, et al., 2014)

“Studies show that there is less than 1% of regrets, and a little more than 1% of suicides among operated subjects. The empirical research does not confirm the opinion that suicide is strongly associated with surgical transformation.” (Michel, et al., 2002)

Testimony for HRT, by TransActive

WPATH’s statement on the medical necessity for transgender healthcare

AMA Resolution 122, which determined the American Medical Association’s stance on the medical necessity of transgender healthcare

The APA’s statement on the medical necessity of transgender healthcare

TranScience Project’s Hormone Therapy and Safety, which offers several citations that talk about the medical risks (and overall importance) for HRT

The Endocrine Society’s Clinical Practice Guidelines for transgender patients, which details their recommendations in full favor of HRT beginning on page 4

More info: What does the scholarly research say about the effect of gender transition on transgender well-being?

So back to the question. “Why aren’t trans people taught to embrace their body instead of changing it?”

Well, as I stated before, plenty of trans people choose not to medically transition. And those people aren’t visible enough. There’s a lot of pressure to medically transition and look cis-passing from both cis people and misinformed/misguided trans people (truscum/transmedicalists) because trans people who choose not to transition are often invalidated and misgendered. So yes, your gender is what it is no matter your outward appearance, and not medically transitioning is valid and it needs to become part of the mainstream narrative too.

But the trans people who do medically transition have probably tried to embrace their bodies, but that doesn’t always work. It just isn’t the way our brains work, for whatever reason. People who do choose to medically transition do it because it’s what will make our lives the happiest moving forward.

And there are many studies and experts who will attest to the necessity of medical transitioning for the people who need it, as you can see from the sources above.

[adventures-in-transmania]

Let’s talk about misgendering. I know I’ve addressed this before. It used to be a constant sore spot from the time I came out to the time I started passing as male.

High school was a joke. I knew I was trans at that point. I was reluctant to talk about it with the cisgender male friends I had, seeing as they weren’t exactly supportive about the name I preferred to go by. Online was a welcome reprieve, I didn’t have to show my face, I could talk to people. I felt bad about ‘lying’ for some time to some pretty decent friends, however, once I actually talked to them about /why/ I did it, they became the most supportive people in my life at that time. I’m not quite sure what would have happened without them. My family wasn’t the best, I’m sure I’ve gone over that repeatedly.

I got to college where a classmate brought me into their circle of friends, most of which happened to be queer. Even those who weren’t were super supportive (or certainly knew how to pretend to be-again, another sore spot that I’ve gone over repeatedly). It was nice. I didn’t realize that initially and introduced myself as my deadname by wrong pronouns. I had to reintroduce myself and while some people didn’t understand why I didn’t just do that in the first place, they went right along with it, just like they did with the several other people who did the same. I was so used to going by my legal name, by my legal pronouns, I didn’t think I could do anything else. The name thing was something to get used to, not only for those around me but for myself as well. The pronouns, people kept apologizing. They still do sometimes. A quick apology is okay. Ideally, just the correction is necessary. I misgendered myself and deadnamed myself so often at first. I have talked to trans people who had the same issue, I’ve talked to trans people who said they’d known for as long as they can remember and didn’t have this issue. It depends on the person.

In high school and for the first part of college, I wasn’t really all that dysphoric about the lack of facial hair, my body shape, my voice, etc, etc. Hell, I was okay with never starting hormone therapy. It wasn’t a sore spot. I was still all for top surgery; breasts just get in the way, tbh. But it was expensive and I didn’t have the necessary support.

However, after going to counseling, talking to some other trans people (one trans woman in particular, tbh), a switch got flipped and suddenly I was aware in a way that was much more painful. I wanted the flat chest, I wanted everything that would make people think I passed as male without question. A peer referred to me as ‘he’ for the first time without saying ‘she’ first and things just /clicked/. I felt relief and anxiety. I felt gender euphoria. By that point, I believe I was in the process of legally changing my name. The university had quite the time with it, but the professors seemed to not remember me from the first two years I spent being quiet, so they seemed to have an easy time adjusting. My advisor, I’m pretty sure didn’t even come to know me as my deadname.

I realized I wasn’t genderfluid or non-binary. I was a transgender man. I invested in a binder. The first time I put it on, I’m pretty sure I cried or came very close to it. I was still hiding this stuff from my parent, because of a lack of support. I would bind occasionally to start with, it wasn’t a necessity. Everyone around me knew I had breasts, it was kind of hard to hide DD boobs. I wasn’t supposed to start HRT while living with my parent and grandmother, so I got a bit depressed, believing there was no hope of ever achieving that goal. It wasn’t a big deal before, but now it was. It was becoming a chore to explain to people around me that just because I appeared to be a woman, I wasn’t. I wasn’t good at confrontation. My friends were great (well, except for some instances, but again, beating a dead, traumatized horse). I relied heavily on their support, their attempts at not misgendering me, at not deadnaming me. I had a classmate that graduated with me from high school that I thought would pose a problem, but he was fantastic. I know it was harder on him than the rest, considering he’d known me from such a young age, since before we had a concept of gender, part of living in a small town, and he lived probably 2000 ft away from me for the majority of our lives, not that we were close.

At work, I had several older women who tried their hardest. My department manager wasn’t the best, but the effort was made and I could not ask anything more. She was infamous for the long apology, the one I’ve come to hate. It’s nothing personal, I promise, but every trans person knows it takes time and effort. You do not need to go into the whole speech. We’ve heard it before. Hell, most of us have said it before, whether it be to ourselves or others. We understand it takes time. We understand that you met us under different circumstances and that it’s hard to change your perception of us. But the more you do it, the less you have to think about it. Whether it be name or pronouns, the more you make the effort to refer to someone with the correct pronouns, even if it doesn’t match your perception of us, it will come more naturally and eventually you won’t even have to try! How do I know? Because I looked in the mirror, compared myself to every other cisgender male I saw, pointed out all of the areas people would consider feminine or masculine. I analyzed every move, every thought I had. I categorized things as masculine or feminine (in a very binary way of thinking, which is harmful in of itself). I nitpicked myself. I practiced and practiced. No matter what I did though, I couldn’t change my voice, my breasts, my first impressions on people. They perceived me as a woman and I could not change that, no matter how I acted. I could see how trans men fall into the toxic masculinity thing, and I did myself on some instances. I’m trying my best to be better now, but it’s easier when you pass.

I worked in customer service. I didn’t correct customers because they saw me once and that was it. It was pointless. So I got misgendered a fuckton. It hurt, sure. But I forgot about it, most of the time. I tried talking to my transgender parent about it and got indifference or the argument “they couldn’t possibly know,” as if I didn’t already know that. I was looking to them for support, not for them to defend everyone else. I knew logically it made sense, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less. It didn’t mean I didn’t deserve support from someone who I thought would get it.

The rare instances I’d get gendered correctly would make my fuckin’ week. I’d be happy the rest of the day. Getting misgendered was just another ‘eh, whatever’ moment, especially at work, or for anyone just meeting me for the first time. I had classes I was out in and my peers were rather great with discussion. I particularly remember touching on trans issues in sociology and having great discussions with a variety of people. They corrected their pronoun usage once they realized I may have looked like a woman, but I outed myself as a trans man.

In my experience, women had a much easier time with the acceptance. I had a handful of men who also accepted me, but women seemed to have less of an issue. I felt more comfortable around men in middle and high school, just because I got along better with them. But after that, women felt safer. Whether they perceived me as a woman or as a transgender man, I felt safer in their presence rather than men.

In the same vein as the legal name and pronouns, I had issues with restrooms. I felt uncomfortable using women’s public restrooms and I felt forbidden to use men’s rooms. The incident with my cisgender men who called themselves friends and who I considered supportive certainly destroyed any progress I’d made. There were times, I’d either put it off or walk across campus just to use the one single stall restroom. I felt uncomfortable having to use a stall every time. It was bad. I left college in June of 2018. I stopped talking to pretty much everyone from college at that point. I stopped counseling.

Before that, however, I left my job with some supportive coworkers. I talked so openly about being trans, those who weren’t supportive were surrounded by people who were. I was terrified. I left this job to take one with my aunt, who didn’t know I was trans, who didn’t really keep in contact with me.

I started in August of 2018. By the end of October, I walked into an appointment I had with specialty care and got my first shot of T, unbeknownst to my parent, my grandmother, my aunt, my current workplace, which I’d only been at for a few months. I wanted to come out before that. I needed to. I was so tired of being misgendered and just broken down. It hurt and I had nowhere to go with that hurt, no one to talk to, no one who got it. My conservative aunt didn’t know, I worked with many older people, older men especially. I was terrified. I couldn’t talk to my transgender parent about it because I’d get the whole speech “you have to understand...” I understood! They didn’t know any better. When I tried to talk to them about anything regarding trans issues, it was them making excuses for cis people. Like, I get it, cis people can’t be expected to suddenly ‘get’ it, but I sought out to complain to another trans person who I thought <i>would</i> get it. The fact I didn’t even have that outlet, it was discouraging, to say the least. If another trans person, if my <i>parent</i> didn’t ‘get’ it, what chance was someone else going to?

I started HRT and suddenly it wasn’t an option anymore. They’d notice. I needed to be out. I should have told my aunt first, I shouldn’t have taken the job without telling her, I shouldn’t have taken the job without telling /them/, them being my three male managers. I was terrified.

I talked to my parent about it. They offered no advice. They left the option up to me. To be fair, I didn’t give them an option with the HRT. I wasn’t supposed to start it while living with them and I did. They were disappointed I didn’t tell them prior, but I think I would have made the same decision given the circumstances. Their condition was that I shave if necessary and keep my voice high for my grandmother (the second of which I did not do, but it didn’t seem to make a difference, she didn’t notice that).

I wore a button at first that said “ask me about my pronouns” or “use male pronouns.” It was a big store that day. At the end of the day, I came out to my aunt, who said “niece, nephew, it doesn’t matter,” which was nice at the time. It was definitely a response I didn’t expect to get, but was happy about. I wasn’t really someone the managers were keeping tabs on, so it flew under the radar for quite some time. In November of 2018, probably a month or two after I came out to my aunt, I was a passenger to a travel store with another coworker (a team leader) who I apparently felt comfortable enough to address the issue with. He’d helped me more than any other person at this job and seemed like a decent guy. I figured he’d at least understand the dilemma I had, given other circumstances. I either didn’t use the women’s restroom and avoided the men’s room, or got over my anxiety (thanks “friends”) and insisted I use the men’s room. It wouldn’t have been bad, but I worked with so many different people in so many different places. A lot of the places didn’t have gender neutral options and I didn’t want to make my coworkers uncomfortable. However, after starting HRT, it was clear I would eventually pass to our clients and it would become unsafe to use the women’s restroom, if that was what they agreed upon. Luckily, I live in NY where the state law is people are able to use the restroom of their gender identity, thank you NYC. Unfortunately NYC doesn’t offer protection up in our very conservative area. When you pass several Trump 2020 signs in small towns, you feel a little unsafe as a transgender individual.

This coworker offered what I would  have considered unconditional support. He even offered to talk to our managers on my behalf. While I asked him not to, as I thought I should be the one to talk to them about it, he did anyways and it made it somewhat less awkward. He was sooo god damned supportive, more so than any other cisgender man in my life offline had ever been. I went into our office probably a week later to talk to the three managers about it, only to have the wind taken out of my sails when they said he had already brought it to their attention and it shouldn’t pose an issue. I had spent an entire week planning what I would say in my defense, because that’s how I thought. In my last job, my manager offered to put a lock on the men’s room so I’d feel comfortable, which I never took her up on. This wasn’t exactly an option in this job and my managers didn’t seem to have ever worked with other trans individuals, so they wouldn’t have really had the forethought or sensitivity training like my last manager to have thought of something like that.

It still wasn’t exactly that easy. I didn’t want to cause issues so I would keep an eye out to make sure no one else from our company would be in there before using the restroom. It was torturous at times, it was unfair, to be completely honest. I hated that I had to do it, I hated that I felt the need to do it, I hated that one person who made me feel so uncomfortable in male spaces that I still, despite passing quite well (I haven’t gotten misgendered by a stranger in <i>months</i>) STILL have minor anxiety about using men’s restrooms. I’m getting better, but I still brace myself for the confrontation that may occur. I’ve had several male workers who have either seen me exit the men’s room or been in there with me but haven’t caused an issue. I have a handful of circumstances I remember in particular. One being an older gentleman having no issue seeing me come out of the men’s room. I don’t think I ever came out to him, but he didn’t even hesitate. I was terrified he’d have an issue with it, but he just treated me as he usually did, nice as could be. I’m pretty sure he stopped referring to me with she/her after that. Another instance I waited to make sure another male coworker wasn’t going in on break because he would always refer to me as she or her. That supervisor, the one who’d shown “unconditional acceptance,” followed me in not thirty seconds later. I had a slight panic attack. I wasn’t exactly ‘passing’ at that time, and it was certainly another coworker, not a stranger. I couldn’t help but think back to that time with ‘friends’ where they were okay with it until suddenly they were faced with the reality that they would be sharing ‘male spaces’ with me and suddenly they weren’t okay with it. I didn’t want to, I couldn’t go through that again, not with the one person at this job who seemed to not only accept me but was able to talk about serious stuff like that, while somehow making it seem a lot less serious. I waited as long as I felt socially acceptable before exiting the stall and proceeded to wash my hands and leave.

Skipping ahead to probably a couple months ago, that same supportive coworker (ally, if anyone deserves that title) got excited over someone gendering me correctly. This, after months of people gendering me correctly. It was still super validating and kind of him. It was nice to see someone else excited over a source of gender euphoria for me. I may have brushed it off at the time because of course others who hadn’t met me before were calling me by male pronouns, I passed well enough. But I think it’s harder for those who met me with their perception of being a woman. I don’t think they’re able to see past that perception as easily as people who didn’t have that perception to begin with. That’s why I don’t mind too much if my coworkers misgender me occasionally, as long as it’s followed by a correction, no apology necessary. I get it, you met me and thought I was a woman, and I didn’t correct you then. However, if you don’t correct yourself, you will get me correcting you. I’m done being misgendered mercilessly in front of clients, ESPECIALLY when I’m the one running the inventory.  I know I pass well enough to clients, I haven’t been misgendered by clients in probably ~8 months, unless they hear one of my coworkers say something.

That leads me to today. Since 2020 started, I’ve been rather aggressive in correcting people about pronoun usage. I was quiet before, to the point that people may not have heard me. However, I now have facial hair and a pretty deep voice. I’ve been passing for at least 6 months now. They’ve had time. If you do not correct yourself, I will loudly do so for you. So, I’ve had rather very little sleep in the last week or so, working and all. I was a bit manic this morning. An older gentleman misgendered me (not the first time, probably won’t be the last) and I corrected him rather publicly (”I’m not a girl, thank you!”) in front of several coworkers. The supervisor, that ally I mentioned earlier, came up to me probably 30-60 minutes later, apologizing for that guy. I had no clue what he was talking about originally. I was over it after two minutes. After being misgendered for 6-8 years, it’s not something you hold close to your heart. He asked if I wanted to know, I, of course, said yes. After he informed me, I felt the need to explain some things. I’ve never had someone apologize for someone else. Especially a cisgender man apologize for some other cisgender man. I’ve talked to this supervisor about some personal things, too, and I like to think he gets it to the extent that he can, just like I can sympathize, but not entirely understand the things he’s got going on. It’s an understanding that I don’t have with many other people. It’s nice in that environment. I’m not sure why he felt the need to apologize, maybe the fact I was so loud about it, but I wasn’t exactly “upset” by it. Rather, I want the correction to be made, because then hopefully he’ll correct himself next time, and the time after that, there may not even need to be a correction. He seemed to think I took it to heart that this person misgendered me when 1. this person misgenders me a lot, 2. I expect this person to misgender me a lot, and 3. I take it to heart <i>every</i> time a person misgenders me. I mean, sure, if certain people were to begin to misgender me, yeah, it would hurt, especially after all the time they put into not misgendering me. But this guy is not and will not be one of them. It was such an insignificant event but I guess my response went above what was expected? Despite being told that my response was completely valid? It was just an odd exchange, although I still appreciated that thought and the fact he listened to my reasoning. That person had no reason to apologize on behalf of someone else, though. I’m rather sorry he felt the need to.

[color-in-your-hands]

31, 35, 36

This got really long really fast, so this is going behind a cut for brevity’s sake.

31. Hardest character to write. Oof.  Um.  Not gonna lie, but Ronan’s POV is a million times harder to write than Adam’s, which is why Ronan’s chapters tend to be slightly shorter, delayed, or otherwise less satisfying to me when I re-read them, despite the fact that I tend to unload some of my favorite character moments (Kavinsky and Noah stand out in my mind here) in his POV and not Adam’s.Otherwise, Gansey and Kavinsky are tied because I struggle to write them in ways that feel authentic to their characters, and also Henry, which is a failing of mine because I didn’t invest much thought into him prior to TRK and never thought I’d have to write him into CiYH period; I’ve said in the past that I never thought I’d still be writing CiYH long enough to regret not including Henry earlier on.Ask me again when I start my re-writes of the earlier chapters, I suppose, since I’ll be trying to rectify some of these sorts of hangups of mine by then.

35. Tell some backstory details about one of your characters in [Color in Your Hands].I’m going to use this opportunity to talk about Noah, who is hands down my absolute favorite character in CiYH to write, to the point that writing scenes with him in them is actually difficult when it comes to keeping things on track.Skip the boxed text if you don’t care, I guess?

Noah is the oldest child in his family, extended family included, and his parents’ only son.  He and his sisters, Adele and Nessa, wanted for nothing but were never spoiled, as their parents came from relative wealth and also became wealthy in their own rights. He was a very active, lively child with ADHD that his parents did not always understand but always encouraged, and though he mellowed out as he got older, the trend of his parents being ceaselessly supportive of every one of his half-finished pursuits endured.  They were ecstatic when he decided to pursue a career in academia, which he’d struggled with but had always enjoyed.

At the start of their senior year of undergrad, Noah’s friend Barrington Whelk’s family had a very public fall from grace involving embezzlement, fraud, and tax evasion.  Whelk lost everything and took this very, very badly, and found comfort and hope in the notion of treasure hunting when news broke of the discovery of the Staffordshire Hoard in the UK.  Noah indulged this new interest, not thinking any harm could come of it.  He was wrong.  Most of the damage Whelk caused was to Noah’s face and skull, not his brain, but he does have lasting effects of traumatic brain injury that used to have a greater impact on his life than they do now.  Noah spent two years in and out of hospitals, repeatedly going under the knife for trauma-related reconstructive surgeries, healing, having a mental breakdown, getting a lot of therapy for both PTSD and the mental breakdown, and moving across the country to New York to finish his BA and start earning his Masters.  He’s still getting a lot of therapy.

This is where we find him seven years later, in CiYH’s present day.  He’s dragged out his Masters as long as possible, but part of him never believed he’d have to worry about what would come after that.  Turns out, he has a future to start thinking about, and two very distinct, mutually exclusive possibilities that will irrevocably change his life once he decides.He’s stalling and he’s running out of time to do choose before one of those futures disappears for good.

36. A spoiler for [Color in Your Hands].

The story proper ends in January 2017, eleven months after the start of it the February before, during winter break between the fall and spring semesters of Adam’s senior year.  By that time, the following things happen to the following characters, in no particular order: Ronan babysits Fletcher’s boyfriend’s baby for a weekend while they’re away. Adam works his ass off to catch-up and earn his BS in Computer Science, study for the GREs, and start applying to grad schools.  Gansey is offered an opportunity and takes it, without hesitation, without telling anyone.Blue gets on a plane for the first time in her life.   Henry finally makes a few appearances and it turns out he’s Gansey’s secret boyfriend.Tad gets his top surgery, starts HRT, and achieves a goal, not necessarily in that order.  It’ll be a big year for him and no one will care but me. Kavinsky is around, and then he isn’t.Fletcher gets married and the wedding happens in the fic.  No one but myself and @archer-and-anders​ will care.  

[nodamncradle]

1. How has being transgender/nonbinary interacted with or impacted other facets of your identity (e.g. race, religion, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, etc.)?

So, this is a little bit of a complicated question. I guess first we should establish some groundwork and go from there. I’m white . I was raised practicing Judaism (we converted), and it was a pretty staunch faith. I identified as gay before I came out as trans. I’ve always been pretty poor.  

Now looking how beings trans has impacted that can be done. It hasn’t change my experience as a white person. In terms of religion, I don’t really believe in G*d anymore, I guess I never really did. It always felt silly to pray to someone who hates queers and wasn’t for me. Since I began to reconcile my self with my trans identity I think I came to terms that G*d really wasn’t real, at least not for me. It sucks, but I feel sorta liberated. I feel sorta melancholy, life would probably have a few more answers and meaning if G*d was real, but so it goes, I guess.  I’ve started practicing a form of Buddhism more recently, I don’t know if Nirvana is real or if the Buddha was really enlightened but the practices really help bring some patience and restfulness in my head that seems to always be too full to function. In terms of my sexuality, I don’t identify as gay anymore. I don’t identify as straight either.  Being trans really grounded me in the truth of genitals not being binary, and sexuality being so much more than what’s in your partner’s pants. It feels so inappropriate to call myself straight because I’m a boy who likes girls (a lot), because I also like NB people and queer boys and just…gender and therefore sexuality isn’t as simple as 14 year old lesbian me thought. I identify as queer. It feels a lot more comfortable sweater to wear than lesbian. That always felt wrong to me. I don’t think it has had much of an impact on my socio-economic status much (yet). I’m college, I live on 125 to 300 dollars a month, and that’s just because my job sucks. I think it might in the future though, I am so scared I will never get a good job because I am trans. I think that’s why part of me wants to get passing now and go stealth before grad school, but who know. I’m scared about a lot of things, including this.

2. What have some of your negative experiences related to being transgender/nonbinary been?

My parents don’t accept me, I thought they did but they really, really don’t. They keep basically saying if I treat my depression than my gender dysphoria will go away, but I don’t know about that. I do know I am trans, I have always been trans and I am trying to having to explain that. I cancelled my HRT appointment because they basically said I would disowned if I carried this through. I am scared and sad a lot. I miss my family. I guess another thing would be the misgendering and dead naming me, but that has been a lot less bad that I suspected it would. Sometimes people text me calling me the female version of my name or calling me it and it’s sad and scary but so it goes. I also hate binding my chest, my ribs and spine and neck ache constantly, but I won’t be getting top surgery any time soon (but I also can’t function without it, I feel like my brain is short wiring when I don’t bind).

3. What have some of your positive experiences related to being transgender/nonbinary been?

My friends have been good, my job has been pretty good (they have to be though, Title IX exists). I don’t know. I can’t think of many. I’m trying to and I think when I get further along in my transition I will find some. Right now, I don’t know. I know it exists out there but I haven’t found them yet.

4. If you could tell every cisgender person in the world one thing about trans people/the trans experience, what would it be? (You can have more than one answer.)

No one chooses this, life would be a whole lot easier if I just lived as a woman, I could do so much more. Being trans limits my opportunities so much it scares me, but I can’t do anything about that. It’s not fun to be mocked, not be able to, to have to be on hormones, to have clinical depression because of dysphoria (and also shitty mental health genes), but all those things outweigh the anxiety and anger and uncomfortable-ness that comes with me living as a woman. I’m not a woman, and the thought of living as one makes me very very…well, unsettled, I guess is the word.

Support from cis friends is important, and this isn’t me brown-nosing the cis. If you have a trans friend who is going to use the bathroom, go with them (if they’re comfortable). It’s fucking scary and we need support. Just listen and don’t try to speak on things you don’t understand. Using the right names and terms of endearments makes such a difference. Don’t pander to us about pronouns and things, sometimes being called handsome makes a trans guy real happy and sometimes it makes them real fucking uncomfortable.

5. If you could have a phone conversation with your younger self (whatever age(s) you’d like), what would you say to them?

It’s gonna be okay, we figured it out. Please stop hurting yourself, please stop hating yourself. I know it’s not easy because your sad and miserable and uncomfortable with yourself all the way down to your bones, I know you ache but you have to just try to come to terms with who you are. You’re still going to be you after you transition, that’s what dad says, so try and be okay with laughing too loud, impulse haircuts that are too short and crying when dogs die in the movies. That shit doesn’t go away. I promise it will get better and it’s not perfect and I’m sad too but it’s gonna get better. I wish me from 5 years from now could call me before I called you to see where he’s at, but that can’t happen so you’re stuck with me. You are almost 20, and I know you never thought you could make it to 20, but you did and I am proud of you. I think the most important thing to say to you is I’m sorry and I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you, I’m proud of you. You’re smart and witty and compassionate and I am sorry I was so mean to you. You’re just an angry and sad kid and I am sorry for being so hard on you. I’m gonna work harder to be proud of you and I hope you try harder to take a deep breath and appreciate being. That’s all I’m asking, once a day count the breaths going in and out of you and appreciate them. Not everyone has that, and I know that doesn’t fix the sad or bend the broken but just try it, it helps. Your anger is the manifestation of your sad and just try and dismiss that, it’s the most destructive part of your nature (mom and Thich Nhat Hanh agree).

6. What has your experience with your family been like?

This is a hard and complicated one that I don’t know if I can answer right now. That’s still developing, I just came out to them. They’re processing. Mom is angry, mom doesn’t understand, mom is scared. Mom says she understood who I was before I was even born but I don’t that’s true. If she did she would know that this hurting and pain has been around for as long as I could remember, and I guess what’s worse would be if she knew I was hurting this much and she ignored it. It’s a lose lose. I don’t know.

Dad says it doesn’t matter, me being trans, but he wants me to try harder to be okay with who I am before I transition medically because who I am isn’t going to change, just how I present and so forth. He’s right. I don’t think mom is right.

Mom makes me sad. Mom is trying the best way she knows how. I know that, but it hurts the same way the best she could hurt when I was little. I want her to stop yelling and making fun of me and saying trans people don’t exist and I’m a girl, I want her to just stop. I understand she may never understand but I want her to just try to acclimate and let me exist. I am an adult, if I regret this, why not just let me and move on. That sounds so pissbaby-like but it’s true. She says she’s telling me that cold hard truths that no one else would, but I think she’s just making it where I’m gonna have to choose between family and my transition, and family isn’t enough to keep me from offing myself. That looks terrible typed out. I’m so miserable. I wish she would just accept me. I don’t know if she ever will. She doesn’t believe me. It scares me and makes me sad. It is what it is.

I miss my parents, I miss my brothers and I miss my sisters. I miss being a part of the family instead of the weirdo who comes home every now and then for dinner and ends up depression napping in the middle of the day. I love my family more than anything in the entire fucking world but they can’t take this from me. I never thought I would be the queer kid without a family or home, but I am afraid within the year it will get there. I do not think I will be home for birthdays or Christmas and that makes me very sad. You are afraid of what you don’t understand. I miss my family.

7.What else about being transgender/nonbinary would you like to write about?

Reach out and support each other. This is mainly for FTM and MTF trans people, support NB people. Begging for acceptance from cis people by throwing NB people under the bus doesn’t fix shit, they’re still gonna stomp you in with their boots and not let you piss where you want, not cover your medicines, ect. Just stop, they/them pronouns are valid. NB people are valid and have about as much explaining and justifying to do as you do for being MTF or FTM. Stop using binary behavior and language as standards to justify being the most trans, you’re invalidating feminine trans men and masculine trans women and everything inbetween and I just wanna know for what? A pat on the head from your local cis, fuck that noise. Community is more important that that.

On the same note, protect trans femme people (emphasis on POC). The violence against our community is concentrated against them. Don’t be complacent. Love each other, support each other, care for each other. Help your local trans youth community, if you can. Protect trans youth.  

[g5b3ysjw-blog]

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What It’s Like Being Trans and Pregnant

The author, in the pool with a pretty adorable companion.

Last year, I made an appointment to talk to my priest, Father H., and nervously told him my deal: I’m transmasculine, which means I can’t lay claim to being either a woman or a man; I’m somewhere in-between. But aside from getting an undercut haircut and slimming down, my transition has been mostly spiritual and personal, not physical—hormone treatments and surgery don’t interest me because they wouldn’t affect my ability to embrace and love myself. They wouldn’t make me happier.

For me, coming out helped me to settle into my chromosomally female body. Until then, I’d spent 27 years locked in combat with my body. I wished that being feminine and being happy weren’t at odds with each other, and hoped that wearing my makeup the right way would make me into a Real Woman. But I was trying to shove myself into a woman-suit without success—because I’m simply not a woman.

When coming out to my friends and family, I felt a sense of obligation to reassure them that very little about my transition was going to affect them, but the stakes were somewhat higher with my priest: I was coming out to Father H. in preparation to have my marriage blessed in the Church.

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"Well, you did always seem sort of androgynous," Father said, absolutely zero shock or discomfort on his face. "As long as it doesn’t interfere with your attraction to Michael or your openness to having kids, I don’t see why it would be a problem in terms of marriage." Try to imagine coming out to someone—your priest, no less—and receiving a response so reflexively cool, reassuring, helpful, and accepting. This, friends, is a man who’s good at his job.

But Father H.’s reaction stands in pretty sharp contrast with most of the responses I’ve received, even from people who are allies—or even members—of the LGBT community. An ideal reaction to coming out might be, "Cool. What can I do to help?" Or, as my brilliant husband Michael put it (perfectly) the first time I told him I wasn’t a woman: "As long as you still love me."

Sadly, many people’s reactions haven’t been so compassionate. When I came out, some people seemed immediately concerned with simply projecting the right image, while others acted dismissive of my transition because I’m OK with continuing to look physically feminine and keeping my traditionally feminine name. Either way, they were too concerned with their own discomfort to be a friend.

I get it: As a culture, we’re still in the baby stages of understanding transgender identities, so a lot of people now assume that a transition happens mostly on the outside. The most public transition of basically ever has been Caitlyn Jenner’s. She’s a woman who clearly needed to go the hormones-and-surgery route, but because she’s the only example many people are familiar with, a lot of folks seem to think that all trans people must want to change their appearance.

The truth is that one’s transition begins early, in your heart and mind and soul. Interventions like hormone replacement therapy and surgery are frequently medically necessary, because they are capable of easing the debilitating emotional suffering a lot of trans people go through. But HRT and surgery can’t change who you are—they can only validate you. This works for a lot of trans people, but for others, it isn’t the right path.

Rebecca and Michael on their wedding day.

Things were just settling down when, a few months after my wedding in the church, I found out that I was pregnant. I was immediately sidelined by hyperemesis gravidarum, a titanic version of morning sickness which is—I’m fairly sure—the only thing Kate Middleton and I will ever have in common. Soon after, the body I’d always been happy with starting changing dramatically: My boobs inflated, my butt became blazing hot at night (just my butt, nothing else), and I started hating the taste of ginger and the smell of cooking oil, potatoes, and toast. I couldn’t drink water without getting sick, so I had to drink Gatorade for five straight weeks. My skin cleared up on my face but got worse on my chest and back, and I started needing to take midday naps. Inevitably, my abdomen started to protrude enough that I had to give up on my jeans and start wearing what we’ll generously call "athleisure."

It’s cool: I wanted this. Well, not exactly—Michael and I wanted kids, and I happen to be the one who has a uterus, so I’m doing us a solid and gestating a baby. I never wanted to be pregnant, because it sounded like a nightmare, and to be honest, it is. Pregnancy is an absolute nightmare that I never want to go through again. That’s the case not least of all because, on top of a physical affliction that put me in the ER three times in a week because I couldn’t eat or drink, pregnancy has forced me into the hard realization that some of my friends and family must feel that I didn’t insist on my masculinity enough, or in visible enough ways, for them to respect my transition.

It’s fine when people I don’t know well call me "a pregnant woman," or "Mommy." How could they know who I am just from looking at me? But when my loved ones, with whom I’ve had multiple conversations about my transition, suddenly default to describing me as a woman, that’s a problem. To make matters worse, some have also encouraged me to accept the more odious gender roles that people ascribe to women in general, but especially when they’re pregnant. They're not uncommon complaints, even if they affect me a little differently than pregnant people who aren't trans: submission to people violating your physical boundaries by touching you without permission or giving unwanted attention to the way you look; accepting that people will talk to you as if you’re the child, not the one carrying the child; resignation to the "fact" that your baby is now your identity; or the insistence that mothers (and otherwise female-bodied parents) must follow the very narrow, strict codes of presentation and behavior that have plagued people like Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian after they had children.

Sometimes I feel like if I’d really committed to presenting as more masculine—like if I’d started asking people to refer to me as Rex and been really particular about pronouns, started dressing in a more masculine way, or gotten medical interventions—I wouldn’t have to deal simultaneously with pregnancy and gender dysphoria. Maybe I brought this upon myself by not living up to what other people want out of a transition. But if I’d gotten hormone treatments, regardless of the fact that I didn’t want to, would it have been so easy for me to get pregnant? And isn’t what my partner and I want for our future more important than whether or not I look not masculine enough to be happy with myself but masculine enough to convince other people that, yes, I’m really trans?

Being told to defer to other people’s expectations and feeling guilty are, I’d imagine, some of the few ways in which I share the emotional experience of pregnancy that women must go through. A friend said that his family was convinced he’d been a colicky baby because his mother had eaten spicy food once during her pregnancy. (I’ve been downing hot peppers like my life depends on it... should I be worried?) My sister told me she’d overheard a woman who was so paranoid about her eating habits that she opted out of coffee for her entire pregnancy even though you’re allowed to have one cup of coffee per day.

Between the horrifying morning sickness and my heartbreak over realizing that some of my loved ones didn’t seem interested in actually knowing me, I started feeling like I wasn’t ever going to ever be happy during this pregnancy. Maybe I was going to look back on it with regret, and maybe once the baby was born, I’d spend the whole rest of my life having to stand up for myself as both a person and a parent. Since one of the reasons I had wanted to have a baby in the first place was my faith, I met with Father H. again and told him how discouraged and deficient I’d been feeling.

"You know," he said, "I think that your willingness to embrace ambiguity is going to be a huge advantage for you as a parent."

If you aren’t sure you’ve ever experienced grace, think about any time in your life that someone said something elegant and simple to you that washed you in calm. That one sentiment reminded me that my experience as an individual and my experience as a parent are going to be reciprocal. When I’m my home with my husband, I feel total support, love, and perfect happiness with who I am and who we are. Whether or not anyone else understands my transition is irrelevant to the fact that I understand it and celebrate it myself, and that my husband, partner, and co-parent loves me for it. In raising a child, that happiness will be fed into my child and back to me; it will compound itself. And from what I understand, that’s the beauty of parenthood.

Rebecca Jeanne Vipond-Brink is a queer, trans, and Catholic writer, editor, and advocate. You can see more of Rebecca’s work at rvb.cool and connect on LinkedIn.

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[cherrykcrunch]

Advice maybe?

yoo I’m getting paid really soon for the editing I did. Collectively my dad and I sorted out that I worked about 20 hours total. and the pay at the beginning was determined to be something like 20-30 dollars an hour. so low range 400 and high range 600 (probably gonna be on the lower end). 

I’m putting at least 150 into my bank account to save for future shit. I owe my mom $60. The rest will be free for me to spend with maybe some put aside to get some decent lunches at school. so probably around $160 to spend??

the thing is, I’m not sure what I want to buy yet. I’d easily go buy a solgaleo and a lunala plush (which seem to sit at around $60 each when I checked online) with no regrets whatsoever but my parents would likely not appreciate that or allow me to do so.

 (They’re both central parts of my sun and moon teams. I don’t put them in boxes for anything. plus it’d be neat to have all the starters and legendary pokemon // I also like having plushies I have a lot from when I was a kid but I find them super comforting and like if I’m at home I’ll always bring a couple around the house with me throughout the day to wherever I am. Particularly if I’m sitting down. I tend to give them nicknames and like make bracelets and scarves and like clothes for all that for them because it’s calming and actually very fun? I never played much with human dolls but I had a massive bin full of animal figures. And yeah some people would think It’s a waste but those kind of things have value to me, and it’s money I worked hard to earn so it’s not really anyone else’s place to say what I can or can’t spend it on - of course if I wanted to spend it on something illegal or unsafe that’d be different - I might try to make the argument and see where it takes me)

Seeing as it’s likely that’ll be difficult or impossible, I’m thinking of other things I might want to do. 

If I had gotten this much money in the past I would’ve immediately gone to spend it on books at my favourite secondhand bookstore. The thing is, It’s not around anymore (though if I was looking for something hard to find I could likely email the owner since we talked frequently). another thing is while I still love the thrill of collecting books, I don’t read them anywhere near as much as I used to. It’s not that I don’t want to or don’t have time. It’s the face that I have trouble getting started and extreme difficulty focusing now. Its something that depresses the fuck out of me because I’m still interested in the stories but I have so much trouble immersing myself now.

The second thing I would default to was art supplies. but the thing is I’ve had a horrible time with art this semester and last. I struggle to motivate myself to do traditional art beyond sketching on my notes and tests at school because I’m desperate to be doing something else. digital art has little hold up but I have a good tablet and a good program I’m comfortable with I don’t need anything more than that. Something I was thinking about doing was investing in some decent acrylic paints but I haven’t done a proper acrylic painting for a year or more now because of focus and motivation issues. (Doesn’t help that I have a summative right now that literally has to be a goddamn fucking acrylic painting). And honestly? I want to distance myself from art for a while. I want to get back into it when and if I genuinely really want to and I feel comfortable sitting down and I can focus for more than a half hour at a time, less if you consider the set up time.

There’s obviously something very important to me that I’d willing put all my money towards : HRT - testosterone in my case. the thing is? my parents kind of backed me into a corner and made me promise I won’t take anything or do any sort of physical surgery until I’m 18 and most likely not living under their roof. At this point my dysphoria is a major issue, as well as the problems I face with having a period. 

I can’t go to school without wearing my binder because I just break down. Wearing it so often causes me some strain though. I’ve been finding that I don’t breathe deeply enough and as a result feel trapped and restless and my back and shoulders start to ache midway through the school day. But I need one thing at least to keep me grounded in that way. If I was taking hormones I’d be fine wearing a looser sports bra as an alternative because I recognize that seeing other changes would even out some of the stress. 

As far as periods go, I don’t get them on a solid monthly basis. they come and go about every six weeks to two months. And the week before, during and after are an absolute living hell. before I generally get extreme mood swings, lash out at friends, split frequently and generally unsettle the foundations of most of my relationships with other people at the time. During I feel tired, sleepy, depressed, bitter and barely function with the feelings as well as physical things I have a heavy flow so I get woozy and dizzy and usually lightheaded and vaguely confused often, It usually lasts a full 7 day week take or (more likely) give a few. I feel violent aggressive and I generally just feel like curling up in a ball telling everyone to fuck off and dying on the spot. After I feel worn out emotionally numb and I usually have to fix up whatever fuck ups I made at the time (apologies, catching up, etc.). Basically my bpd rears it’s ugly head in full gear for two weeks and then I have to spend one or two more fixing it up.

But, I made a dumb promise, and even though it’s dumb I can’t break my promises it’s one of the few things in my own moral code that I’m not a hypocrite about. 

So there’s my dilemma right now I don’t really know what to do but If I can’t get what I want most (Honestly? I can’t)  I might as well go for the second (if that’s even possible?) and yeah I could just save that too but why? I feel good when I spend impulsively (in the sense of having a set sum of money and having the free choice to spend it when and where and on what I want as whims take me) and If it goes in my bank account I won’t be at it for years likely. I feel I need something in the moment that’ll make me happy, not in the future. I feel gross and depressed and terrible now and if I can make myself feel better I’m going to do that over having money to spend when I’m at a place where I’m happy enough as is.